#hi im studying and have two finals tomorrow and im so tired and ab to kms and i would like dick grayson to kiss me

[uc1wa]

i think, though dick grayson has a sleazy, perverse image surrounding his being, he can be a not-so-dickhead with you during finals. dry texts that drove you mad during the entire semester turned into "wanna grab coffee" and "do you need help studying?" especially if you're an underclassman in comparison to him. he's taken the class that you're currently taking? yeah, he's a dick most of the time, but he'll send the files of notes and outlines he took to your laptop. he's the worst, but he brings you coffee and a pastry when he knows you're studying. he's a total asshole who never answers you during the semester, but when he sees you worn out, with puffy eyes, he's fucking you deep and slow enough to make you think he's not that bad.

[taylornock]

how cell phones made our lives better while simultaneously ruining them

hi fam!! it’s me, again. are you tired of hearing from me? me too. that’s why I’m here to rant about social media / phone / technology. bc i hate it… but in a loving way???

everyone remembers when they got their first iPhone. seriously. why is that such a monumental moment in our lives? i can hardly remember what i felt like freshman year of high school but can pinpoint the feeling of sheer glee unwrapping my iPhone 6 in eighth grade. i have this thing that is attached to me 24/7 - when I go anywhere (even downstairs) without my phone i feel weird. that is f***ing SAD! PATHETIC. i hate feeling that dependent on what is essentially a pocket robot.

for what it’s worth - phones have done INCREDIBLE things for the world as we know it. for example, this quarantine shit has been testing all of us; and our phones are helping us get through it in so many ways. our phones let us see the faces of those loved ones we are missing, our phones provide us with stupid tik tok content to keep everything light hearted, and our phones let us check in on each other. all amazing things! when we are at school, we have instant access to our lives at home . being able to call my mom whenever i want is something i definitely abuse. “mom, I’m on my way home from Thompson right now and i think i have a brain aneurysm but my bio final is at 11am tomorrow will i make it” … an actual conversation i had with my mom at the end of freshman year. needless to say i was medicated shortly after THAT meltdown. I am such a brat that i don’t know what i would do if i couldn’t text my dad and have him immediately get me the password again to our Uverse account…… god forbid i miss an episode of the bachelor. i have this phone, and that’s what i do with it? abuse its powers to ask my parents for medical advice or a password i forgot? have we lost sight of everything here?

throughout life and especially throughout quarantine… my phone is the definition of a possession that is a blessing and a curse. I’m so grateful to have the ability to bother my friends - whenever i want! the options are endless! i love keeping in touch with people i thought id never hear from again, and being able to talk to so many people in my life and make my heart swell. now, when a conversation with someone other than my two roommates (shoutout parents) is so rare ⎯ that phone is my weapon and i use it to help flatten the curve: flatten the curve of covid19 and flatten the curve of my mental illness 🙃 [humor is a coping mechanism okay let me live] but like, i KNOW i’m not the only one that looks at my screen time and immediately wants to die. how can i honestly be looking at my phone for that long? picking it up THAT many times?????? my phone is the best distraction and also the most toxic - it makes me feel better but has a tendency to bring up all my issues and blast them into the reflection of my blue light glasses...... its called fashion look it up.

to give some examples - let’s open up my most used app: snapchat. I go on snapchat with the best of intentions - to see a memory from a year ago that makes me smile. to respond to my friends and see what their mood today is based on the look on their face. to creep on snap stories and see what everyone’s cooking and doing with their lives. somehow, tho, after spending a few minutes on the app.. i end up with a pit in my stomach most of the time. the person i want to respond hasn’t responded in 4 hours. oh god lets overthink this- they don’t like me anymore and are no longer interested in speaking to me and only respond every once in a while out of pity or because they are uncomfortable. everyone hates you. oh and GOD FORBID someone leaves me on open??! I am not funny nor interesting nor worth a reply - suddenly, i have equated my value to receiving or not receiving a photo of someone’s blank stare. this is extreme, and this is dramatic. but trust me —— this is the hamster wheel always turning in my head. I’m not even going to touch on snap maps; that feature is pandoras box and someone better fucking shut it.

second most used app is instagram. i scroll for hours, i have time limits set for the app acting like i’m actually going to listen to them and get off. lmaooooooooo. i love looking at aesthetic stuff and dogs and food and recipes and my friends’ beautiful faces. but you know what i don’t like? constant nudges to compare myself to others. oh look at her having a party with all of her friends even though we aren’t supposed to be. am i a loser for trying to be safe? oh look at her washboard abs, i’m never going to look like that and will never live up to the standard of beauty society has set for me. look at all of these people in their happy relationships. why can’t i have that? it goes over and over and over. its not like i sit there and think of these things just like that, its a precedent in my mind when i stare at everybody else that i am going to size my own life up against theirs. for years i followed every single elite model / VS angel on instagram to motivate me to do better - to start being psycho about what i did to my body so i could be as gorgeous as them. what kind of fucked up mindset is that? i would literally watch their footage of them eating rice and vegetables once a day and try to copy it. i would watch their runway walks obsessively trying to recreate them in heels alone in my house - like that was all i could imagine doing with my life. did i ever stop for a second to look at that photoshoot of gigi hadid and wonder if she was happy? wonder if the constant pictures she saw of herself ever made her insecure? what was i doing? the day i unfollowed those girls was a monumental day in my journey to a better self image. i didn’t realize the people i thought were my “motivators” were actually my triggers. i have grown to a point in life now that i would much rather eat a stack of chocolate chip pancakes that make me dance in my chair like an infant than practice my runway walk and shame my body in the mirror. and i am so freakin happy! 

i could go app by app for hours. but moving on to the next thing i hate about cell phones - how they have destroyed our biological methods of communication. you hear about those psychos who think the world is destroyed by technology and we are going to be overrun by robots. but hey, I’m with the psychos on this one. i have this amazing friend, Trevor Wright, who without fail at EVERY dinner announces “phones off friends on” and collects our phones into the center of the table. yes, we are 20 year old adults. yes, we hand our phones over to Trevor and let him yell at us for trying to see if ~that person~ snap chatted us back. i have so much respect for him because of this. there is nothing worse than staring at your phones when you could be having a good conversation about life, about love, about laughter + memories, about “do you think hellen keller is real?” anything, bro, anything. anything but snapchat messaging your hoe of the week or mindlessly playing tetris to twiddle your thumbs. we all need to start loving a little harder, and the first step to doing that is to communicate better. communicate smarter. I’m guilty of alllll of the above, don’t get me wrong. and I am ADD asf and constantly playing mindless games just to stimulate my brain. but i need to stop that! even writing this is taking some time away from the dumb shit on my phone - and encouraging me to communicate how i     r e a l l y   feel to my homies that will read this. communication - especially body language - is fascinating. I’ve studied it in  psych, I’ve learned the neurological bases of behavior and why we do what we do. I’ve learned how much our life experience impacts who we are as a whole...and it! is! fascinating! i also think that’s why i love film so much. because it can capture the raw moments of your friends just being your friends, of you just being the person you are, and the world around you just existing as it exists. i love the raw moments; and not just because indy blue posted one youtube video of her slow mo laughing and now thats the only footage i find myself shooting. 😚

im not quite sure what this post is, lol. but - just a rant on technology. so listen to me:

take advantage of technology + social media! it CAN BE GREAT. for so many reasons. but, don’t let technology + social media TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU. stay true to you - know how to communicate with yourself and your loved ones without the use of a robot. remember that feeling when you setup up your first iPhone? imagine if you could feel that again, with your phone nowhere in sight. if you don’t know how to communicate with yourself yet, start by journaling. WRITE! TYPE! SPEAK! do what you want. getting your thoughts down even without an audience is so crucial to understanding yourself and others. if you don’t like to write, reflect. breathe. meditate. make art. do what makes you feel at peace, and do whatever makes you feel like the world makes a little bit more sense than it does. 

IF YOU ARE READING DOWN TO HERE, I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, SAY IT BACK! LIFE IS A FUCKING HIGHWAY. AND IM SO GLAD YOU’RE ON MY INTERSTATE. <3

xoxoxoxo

gossip girl

[ves-abs-roq-pas-blog]

Smiling

Hi ves, I need help lol. I fell. I didn't mean to, it just kind of happened. It took me 6 months to finally realize and accept that I did. It wasn't even some big gesture or anything that got me- it was just a long week filled with little moments with him that made me catch myself smiling. But through all of this, I’m weirdly comfortable. I feel like I just want to enjoy these months with him because he makes me smile and he makes me happy. I know I’m leaving, and I’m okay with it now. I want to just enjoy what’s in front of me now and take it one step at a time. I want to smile at the little things he says to me and does for me. And when it’s time to leave, it’s okay. I’ll have the memories of the happiness he brought me, even if it’s temporary. I want these moments and when it’s time to move on, then I will. I Don’t want to miss out on the good things of the present. I’ll take what comes and move on when it’s time.

Monday.

It started Monday. He texted me on his way to school if I was busy and I didn’t want to respond because I was scared to. I told him about Texas last Friday, and we got weird after it. He didn’t want to talk about it, and I didn’t want to talk to him. That’s how it was for a week. Then Monday comes and he texted me if I was busy. Eventually, I told him I was just studying a little in the library and he asked if he can meet me there. He came to sit in my table after a few minutes and we just talked like normal. Then he wanted to see something on my laptop with me, so he asked me to move over and I didn’t want to because I didn’t want him sitting so close, but I did anyway. His friend came a little later and sat with us too, and his friend was a really nice dude too. Push and I were making a joke that his friend didn’t get and we were just smiling at each other and his friend goes “No, stop. He’s my best friend, you’re not allowed to joke with him and make him smile.” And later this girl I’m friends with saw us too and was asking why I was with them. I don’t really like her because she talks about Push all the time. I think she really likes him? But Push was just like “well we’re hanging out with Abbey, obviously” and it just made me smile for some dumb reason. Then in class later, he saw me and put up the peace sign at me, and I smiled because that’s like MY thing. It’s my universal greeting to all my friends, and he noticed it and did it back to me.

Tuesday.

I was leaving class that night and he chased after me. He screamed my name down the hallway and joked “are you going to leave just like that? not even going to wait for me, i’m hurt.” I just laughed and said, “that’s what I usually do.” and he responded, “I know, you always leave me, it makes me sad.” I just smiled and he asked me how my day was and everything, then I heard his friends calling him and he just looked at them and was like give me a minute. I told him I had to get home because it was late and that he should go with his friends since they were looking for him. He just said, “okay, fine haha. i’ll see you tomorrow”

Wednesday.

Oh wednesday....

We had a science lecture hall meeting and I was sitting with some friends before it started (funny story actually, Sean was sitting with me too haha) and he walked in and went straight to me and was like “Hi!” and my friends all gave me a weird look. He sat in front of me and we were talking before the meeting started. We ended up talking about how I don’t sleep often and he said how he read an article about how it was because the food I eat makes you sleepy. And we were just joking about food and sleeping habits. I was talking about how I can’t be on my phone before sleeping because it keeps me up and he was like oh, you need sleep so I probably shouldnt text you at night. And my friends were all like wtf i didnt know you texted him lol. Then we started joking about something AND I SAID SOMETHING MEAN BY ACCIDENT. I said something like “everything that comes out of your mouth is a joke to me” AND IT SOUNDED MEANER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD. I was trying to joke but I said it wrong and he got upset by it. He just said “oh, ok.” and he turned around and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the meeting, and everyone around us were noticing that it was awkward. UGH. After the meeting, he just mumbled “see you in class” and left. I didn’t even get to apologize or say bye. I felt so horrible.

Thursday.

I was still feeling guilty and I didn’t know what to do so I texted him. I said, “So I looked up what you said about food making you sleepy and I’m sad because potatoes make you tired” He didn’t text me back until like two hours later, but we were okay. He responded to me and we talked about potatoes and bread for like an hour lol.

Friday.

UGH FRIDAY.

I buying lunch with my two guy friends/lab partners and I saw push walking in the cafeteria and he like didn’t know where to sit and he ended up sitting with this one girl we knew and for some dumb reason, I decided to sit at the table in front of them with my friends lol. I was just being dumb with my friends and laughing and stuff and I like saw him looking over at us and he was like spaced out from the girl he was sitting with. Eventually, the other girl was just like, okay I’m going to leave and he was like okay see you later. And when she left he got up and walked to our table and said hi whats up. And my one friend is like a senior who’s really good looking and knows like everyone and when he saw push come to our table he was just like oh hey man, whats up. And I was dumb and was like “oh hi, i didn’t realize you were sitting near us” BUT OBVIOUSLY THATS WHY I PICKED THE TABLE BECAUSE IM STUPID LOL. Then Push was like oh I’m about to just chill in an empty classroom before classes start, wanna join? And my friends were stupid and were like “Oh yeah, we’re about to leave too, bye abbey, have fun!!!” AND THEY LEFT ME. I was like rolling my eyes at them. I was like, yeah sure, let me just grab my stuff. And he was just waiting for me when I was packing up and we were walking and he made a joke about how he was surprised that I had friends and I just slapped him and was like “wow, rude.” We were just chilling in the classroom and he was like “I’m really thirsty, can I have some water” and I was like “there’s a water fountain downstairs” lol. But I let him drink from my water bottle anyway and I was like “now I have to get rid of your germs, thanks.” And our friend stopped in for like 10 minutes bc she was waiting for someone so she just stayed with us until they came. This dude came into our classroom and was like “oh did you guys need a clicker for the projector?” and after he left, my friend was like “wow he was cute” and push was like “abbey, did you think he was cute?” I was like “i was paying attention to the clicker not the guy” and he laughed and was like “was the clicker cute?” and I was like “oh yeah, definitely. Clickers are so cute.” And he was like “Really? Because I really love clicking.” AND I WAS LIKE “HA HA OK I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE” He’s so corny lol. I think clickers are cute, so he says he likes clicking. What the heck lol. After my friend left, we were talking about how I’m a very pessimistic person and he’s pretty much the opposite of me. I was talking about how most people irritate me and I don’t generally like people. He asked me if he irritated me and I just smiled and was like “I wouldn’t spend this much time with you if I didn’t want to” and he just smiled back at me. Then we talked about how I didn’t like him at first because I thought he was too energetic, but now I realized that I actually like him like that and he was like “Good. I’m happy.” Then we were talking about nicknames and how I hated being called Abs, but my best friend started calling me that and she’s the only one allowed to call me Abs. Then he said something stupid like “at least now I don’t need to go to the gym because I already have Abs. I’m just going to take you with me everywhere so I can always have Abs” and I was like smiling. I don’t know why, but he made me happy when he said that. Then he complimented my shirt (it was the sushi shirt that says lets roll) and he was like mine is boring. And like I used to have this stupid thing in freshman and sophomore year about how i always liked guys who wore stripes. I was just like no, i like your shirt. Stripes are actually my favorite. And he was just like “ha, thanks. you always make me feel better.” Then he walked me to class and we were talking about me dyeing my hair purple for some reason. He was like “I feel like you’d have different colored hair. That’s something that you would do” And I was like “Yeah, I’ve had green, red, blue, pretty much all the colors” And he was like “Oh yeah! I remember the green hair.” And I started laughing and was like “Uhm, what? I never had green hair in college, how would you know that.” And I was laughing inside my mind because he knew I had green hair. Like, did you look through my facebook and old photos or something? He was just like “oh, uhm, idk what I’m thinking about, I thought you did” And I was just laughing but I didn’t want to call him out and embarrass him so I was just like “Idk maybe you thought it looked green” And we got to the science building and he was like “Good luck on your exam, I’m rooting for you.” And I was like “Thanks, I’ll see you monday.” 

I took my exam and it didn’t hit me until my drive home that I haven’t stopped smiling. He just put me in a good mood and made me smile so much, and I didn’t realize it until later. And that’s it. Thanks for listening, I’m sorry this is so long.

Love Always,

Abs