#hhhhhhhhhhhhh this boy got my heart so quick

[itsmyonlydaytobefancy]

11.8?.17

Yo I'm finally taking care of myself. St least for the past few days I have been

and it feels great.

Like I worked out, got some shit done, cleaned and moisturized my skin and now I'm drinking and listening to music.

I only have my fairy lights on and I'm listening to brand new and like wow why didnt I do ths earlier. I feel so good. I felt good even before I started drinking

I felt great just finding a new band but like this is so good.

And I think I'm feeling a bit of love. It's so obnoxious but at least it feels good. For now. I guess I just have to enjoy it before it crashes and burns and breaks my heart.

[itsmyonlydaytobefancy]

11.4.17- journal

HEY SO IDK/IDC ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT HOW THE READ MORE THING WORKS ON MOBILE SO IF YOU DONT GIVE A SHITB(WHICH YOU PROBABLY DONT WHOOPS) YOU CAN JUST WHIZ ON BY. SORRY THIS POST GOT SO LONG

Okay, so I already made a post about how I'm kinda happysad today. But I'm gonna write about everything that happened.

So, a little after 8 he came to my house to pick me up. We drove to Kingston to see the new IT. On the way up we talked and listened to some of his favorite tunes.

Almost an hour later we arrive at the theater. We park kinda really far away from the entrance because we thought we could go in through a different door. Nope whoops. But it's okay.

We go in and he takes his phone out so the lady can scan his prepaid tickets, which is cool. We hit the concession stand and we get two bottles of water. He insists on paying but I tell him no. He gives in but then changes his mind again saying he wants to pay. I handed my card to the cashier quicker so HA! There 😌. We head into the theater and he asks me where I want to sit and I shrugged and said idk, he then asked, further back, or the front? And I said back. And then we get a row up and he asks further? And I was like idk, you pick. So we ended up going to the top. They were actually really good seats. Especially for a spook like this.

The ads were just getting over at this point and the movie started. I kind of knew the beginning part with the kid and the boat and the clown like SUP GEORGIE. TAKE THE BOAT. But I jumped anyways. I jumped A LOT which is embarrassing. Fuckin spooks. Like, I kinda joked with myself earlier,being like "oh this would be the perfect opportunity to make a move and cling to him like how petty girls do in the movies™️" but I DIDNT MEAN FOR IT TO ACTUALLY HAPPEN. I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE IT. NOPE. IT DID A SPOOK. I COVERED MY EYES AND DID A SQUEAK AND I FUCKIN LEANED INTO HIM LIKE THE DAMN SCARDEY BITCH I AM. BUT HE PULLED ME IN SO THAT WAS REALLY GREAT. AND WHEN THERE WERE MORE SCARY PARTS HE WOULD PULL ME CLOSER AGAIN AND RUB MY SHOULDER. LIKE. JESUS. HE ASKED IF I WAS OKAY AND STUFF. AND WE MADE JOKES TOO. LIKE AT ONE POINT THE FUCKIN CLOWN SAYS "EGGBOI". LIKE EGGBOI. IT FUCKIN GOT ME. IT GOT HIM. IT WAS GREAT. EVERY TIME THE KID FROM STRANGER THINGS MADE A UR MOM JOKE, WE WOULD DAB. WE FUCKIGN DABBED.

ANYWAYS, THAT SHIT ASIDE, movie was really good. I liked the music. I liked the cast. I liked the story. I probably should read that shit, but hoo spooks. But with words. Spook.

Anyways, we headed out and back to the car, seemingly further away than on the way in to the theater. It was so quiet and not windy. Not overly cold either. He said it was a nice night out. I agreed. We talked a lot on the way back. And we listened to more music. His 2016 favorites on Spotify to be exact lol. We talked about school and what got us both interested in biotech. And other things too but still. He gave me a cute lil pep talk on continuing with my classes. Just to get em out of the way. I'm not totally sure I can do that. I wish I could, just to make him proud, but I think it's too late to save em. I just don't have enough energy right now to write these damn papers. He says he gets it, and I don't doubt he does, but hoo boy my brain has totally shut down for now. I need to get back on my feet. But his pep talk was super cute anyways. So cute and sweet. He means so well.

Eventually we pull up to my house and he pauses, asking if I'd like to drive around for a bit. Just an extra 10 minutes. And I say YES OF COURSE. So we drive all around town. From my house, to the high school, to sea street. We went through the rotary by the package store probably seven or eight times, going back and fourth through town. He kept saying "...okay, one more round" and "okay, only ten more minutes". It was so cute. Like he actually didn't want to leave. AND HE HAS SUCH A LONG DRIVE TO DO TO GET HOME. ITS LIKE TWO HOURS. LIKE THIS CUTE ASS BOY DRIVES TWO HOURS TO PICK ME UP, ALMOST TWO HOURS TO KINGSTON AND BACK FOR THE MOVIE, PLUS THE EXTRA HOUR OF STALLING, TALKING TO ME AND THEN HE HAS ANOTHER TWO HOURS OF DRIVING TO GET HOME. LIKE, THIS BOY. THIS B O Y. THISBOY.

So then it's almost 2 am and we decide that we gotta stop this shit. The night must end. I give him an awkward car side hug and he tells me nah, he'll get out to hug me. He's tall and I was kinda on my tip toes and I kinda tipped over when we backed away from the hug. And then he was like, "oh man, we can do another hug" sO WE DO ANOTHER. AND THEN A FUCKING NOTHER. He tells me that he had a real great time. I agree. We talk about it a bit. And then I told him that he has to come closer because I got a damn secret (this is my fucking trick for dealing with tall people. It's a great idea. Learn from me) and so he leans closer and I do a damn smooch on his cheek. And he was like "ah I was kinda afraid of that happening" and I was like fuck oh no. Hes gonna give me the boot. And he continues on to say that it's hard to like, see where this relationship is going. He said his mental state is all over the place (understandably though! Something bad has happened to him. He's going through a real tough time this poor boy.) and that we live so far away and that we're kinda in the same boat with school and that It might not be a good idea if we like, kinda kept this up? He said he might be able to see me next week but probably not(because of sad thing) and I think he kinda hinted at like, not really ever? Or not for a long while. He said if he stops messaging me, don't be alarmed. He said he'd probably keep it up because we click so well but still.

And then after that talk we hugged again and we said goodnight and goodbye. I told him to "drive safe and stuff" and then he question/mocked me "stuff?". We laughed and we said bye again.

Im just so happy and so sad. Like I get it. I really do. But I just don't want to let him go like this. Like, even if we could just be friends and we see each other like every other week or even once every month I'd be happy. I also want to make sure he's okay. He's so good. It really sucks he's going through such a hard time. Like, I feel like, he's dealing with it p well, but he might just be like, blocking it out? Hoooo boy. I really wish, like REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPE that he doesn't drop me. I really don't want to lose him. I fucking wish I could drive. I swear I'm gonna scream of I don't get my permit on Monday.

It sucks that I have him on my brain so much. And he's gonna be even more in there because now I'm worried. Like, I know my ocd definitely plays a role in things like this, but it's also just like, wow. He's such a good in my life right now. Like, I guess I'm kinda selfish but maybe, he feels the same way? Maybe he just doesn't want to get my hopes up or something? I mean, again, scramble brain but ST I L L.

Anyways, FUCK.