#hhhhhhhhhhh mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

[softshouyous-archive]

um this is super random but like i was watching this coming out video by this person i follow and like they’ve been out online and irl for a bit, but they explained how they came out and all in more detail and like they talked about how one of their parents was sort of not okay with it, but after a few years they’ve become more accepting. i’m vvv happy for them because you can really see how much that means to them and that’s just a v!!!! ideal and great outcome

but like it made me think about my situation and? as sad as it sounds.... i don’t think i’ll ever be able to have that? with my mom, she’s neutral i guess?? about it? but my dad is like........ suuuuuuuuuuuper incredibly homophobic, like..... i still remember a moment from a few years ago p clearly. we were leaving target and we passed by this gay couple who looked like they were about to kiss and as we got far away enough, my dad was talking about how he really disliked that and he just sounded so disgusted, even going as far as to like fake vomit??? which is like uh...... sir 

and there was another time (also...... at target gjkfdghf ???) where i vaguely remember that we were talking about something and then i guess it was relevant to the convo, but he was p much like ‘you and your brother better not turn out to be gay or else i’ll disown you’ and i was like hhhh intense ???? like uh....... like he’s just..... made v bad comments about lgbt things and like..... his dislike for it isn’t Light, like whenever he expresses his disdain for it, he usually sounds p mad or disgusted and it. sucks 

the thing is like?? like it doesn’t really hurt me that much whenever he says those things?? like i do get bothered but i’m not personally hurt?? and i think it’s because even though my dad is nice to me and cares about me and all, i don’t.... think we have a strong emotional bond?? like i appreciate him as a person and father and i like spending time with him, but even still, i don’t feel too much of a connection or strong love for him?? which i really, really hate to say, like i wish it wasn’t that way but it is unfortunately :// 

but yeah like i don’t know...... i don’t think i could ever come out to my dad and ..... that does but also doesn’t hurt me too much (probably bc of what i said) ?? though it does hurt to think about how he’d probably disown me?? oh fuck that’s so weird to think about.... it’s really weird to think about because i see him quite often and consistently and he does express that he cares about me.... and for him to suddenly like... turn on that.... would be so weird ?? and saddening ?? 

i don’t think about it too often but i can’t really.... imagine what his reaction would be.... i feel like he’d be really angry and oh my god he’s so scary when he’s angry 0: i feel like he’d be in total disbelief and like he’d probably yell at me tbh kdsghlk god this is so weird to think about ...... if he really would disown me like he said, i can’t like.... i can’t fathom him actually saying something that would p much mean ‘never contact me again, i never want to see you’ like that’s just SO weird since he’s been apart of my life for the past 20 years, even if i don’t always see him...... like i want to think that even if he told me that he’d disown us if we were gay, i want to think that like, he’d make an exception? or he’d realize it’s not bad bc like. whenever he’d think of lgbt, he’d only think of strangers ? not people he knows, i think ? hh ? and like actually his gf’s kids and nephews are all gay but he doesn’t treat them harshly so maybe....

hhh i don’t know this got way longer than it was supposed to be and is just me p much processing all these thoughts for the first time in a while.... i just don’t know how to feel about this and god i just hope i never have to come out to him.... and like i don’t know if i’m going to end up with a gf or bf but if i end up having a gf i don’t know what i’m going to do.... i guess i’m fine with not telling him about being in a relationship but something that Does scare me is like what if my gf and i express pda in public and he........ by some chance happens to see like.... that is one of the scariest things that could happen how does someone explain That