#hhhhh i love women and nonbinary people so much

[skylerlovesyou]

i just want you all to know i’m in love with you all and i would kiss you given the chance. GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!!!!!!!

[aquivi]

I like the idea of being with a man, but any time a man makes a move on me I get incredibly uncomfortable. 

I do not like the reality of men, only the idea of being with men.

I can fantasize about men and find men attractive, but thinking about realistically being with a man makes my stomach churn.

I like getting attention from men and being validated in my attractiveness, but the moment it goes from attention to an interaction (i.e. from flirting to asking out) I start panicking.

Confusing a strong emotional connection/dependency with a man for romantic feelings, can be due to mental illness. (ashgsgfdaghdjk)

You get crushes on just about every guy you’re friendly with, because there’s really no difference between friendships and crushes to you (ow)

You feel like you could theoretically be attracted to men (you may even have fantasies about them), but in practice you never have any feelings for them.

You’re far more certain about being attracted to women than you are about being attracted to men

Only/mostly being into guys who are gender nonconforming or feminine in some way. (gyftdsetdryftuynfgkhjgy)

Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with. (hgjg)

You lose all attraction or get extremely uncomfortable if there are any implications that they might like you back. You get deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate (i have like an entire thing about this one)

Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them. Confusing your anxiety around men for “butterflies” or being flustered.

Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man

Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image

You have every reason to be happy in your relationship with a man, but you just aren’t / everything is going really well, but something is missing and you can’t figure out what

Going along with escalation because it seems like the ‘appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals

Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless

After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with

Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify

The idea of kissing, cuddling, dating and/or having sex with men is really scary/anxiety inducing, and the idea of doing any of those things with women isn’t (or is noticeably less scary)

OR: preferring to ‘be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore

When I think about guys, I think about all the things that I could tolerate doing with them (dating, kissing, sex, marriage) but always in terms of what I could force myself to do, not what I want to do.

You don’t have much of an emotional reaction to kissing or being otherwise physical with a man, or you even dislike/hate it

Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as undetailed as possible or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing (hgfjkh)

Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to

Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women

Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women when you’re not that way with anyone else

Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend (hHhHHHHh)

When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend”

Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people

Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men and being more careful not to look than they are (GHAFDSHGHJGH)

Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women (????)

Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media

Having like half your friend group from school turn out to be LGBT+ (theyre all stoners)

Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position (hhhhh hhh )

Really focusing on the women in heterosexual porn (WOW ME !!!!!!!!!!!)

none of your girl friend’s partners are ever good enough for them, and you take it very personally, and you don’t feel the same way about the men you’re friends with

Being mistaken for a couple with one of your (girl) friends is exciting for you, and being mistaken for a couple with one of your (guy) friends elicits no reaction or feels weird or wrong

Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you

Being nonbinary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your nonbinary identity and your lesbianness at the same time (this one fucking confuses me !)

Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian

Worrying that bc you can’t be 100% sure you’re not attracted to men and can’t be 100% sure you won’t change your mind, you can’t be a lesbian

Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma and that means your lesbianness would be Fake

[lookslikechill]

WIP Song Summary Game

Tagged by: @requiemesque​ and @katerinarevel (thank you so much, I love writeblr tag games that incorporate music!!)

Rules:  what are three (3) songs that really embody your wip? how do they relate to it?

3 songs that embody Daydream Walking below the cutoff!  Warning, I got super rambly, especially for the first song.

Tagging: I’m not sure who hasn’t already done this, soo if you wanna do it, just say I tagged you!!

**Even BIGGER Warning!!!!  I dug much deeper into the many many heavy/hard to stomach themes that are very much present in/going to be present in this work!  For the first song I mostly just talk about masculinity, but for the second two content warnings for: abuse, murder, death, drug abuse/addiction, mentions of cocaine and alcohol, mentions of accidental overdose and vehicular deaths, police neglect/incompetency, mentions of weapons (guns, knives, etc.), and one single rape mention.**

Man to Man by Dorian Electra

So you want to play rough in the parking lot See you acting tough, but I know you're not We can take it outside, scuff up in the streetlights I just really wanna fight with you

Man to man, hand to hand One on one, friend to friend Are you man enough to soften up? Are you tough enough to open up? Man to man You gotta let me in 

This song perfectly represents the elements of masculinity vs. toxic masculinity, and internalized homophobia in DW.

Admittedly, when I first started writing Daydream Walking, I felt rather guilty for a period of time about how male-centric it is, with three main men and a whole lot of male side characters.  However, I realized there’s no reason for me to feel bad about it. It’s there for a reason. I’m a man, a trans man, and I often recognize and am bothered by the presence of toxic masculinity around me, the way a rigid standard of masculinity hurts both men and women.  And I certainly hope to address it in DW.

Clay is what would be considered effeminate today, he certainly comes off as gay.  In the futureverse of Astervale 4146, he does not stand out, it is okay for him to express himself the way he does- dramatic and charismatic, grinning and talking, dancing and joking.  When he’s plunged into the past, into the grim reality of 1947 Port Cassandra, California, he sticks out like a sore thumb, even when disguised and toned down.

Alistair actively conforms to the standards of masculinity of his time, both because that was what he was taught to do and also out of a sense of paranoia, a fear of what will happen if he’s caught, a fear of being viewed as weak, as less than a man.  Though some of this protects him, it also leads to his mental health issues(PTSD) being unresolved, which harms him. His stoic refusal to share his feelings and express emotion also harms his relationships, and though he may not recognize it, is part of what leads to his wife wanting to divorce him in the first place.  Not only is he different when he returns, supposedly alive and well, from war, but he won’t say a word about it to her.

Despite how progressive the future may initially seem, harmful ideals about men and women and their roles still exist, especially among Astervale’s rich and powerful, and this has an impact on Quince; on his belief in himself, his willingness to look more closely at his own situation, to speak out, to say no.  It certainly doesn’t help that it’s the men in Felicity’s life that Quince is most often coming in contact with, whose opinions of him he knows. The existence of Quince and Felicity’s relationship in this wip, this novel-beast of mine, is partially to prove a point, to bring the issue of abuse against men, but especially at the hands of women, to the forefront of the mind.  I can’t believe how many men I’ve spoken to who believe they can’t be abused- if a women tries to rape him, he’ll just hit here, right? Because all men are inherently stronger than women, right? Because any man would be willing to, and capable of, physically fighting off an attacker, right? It just comes with so many more harmful ideas, I simply cannot unpack them all right here.

In short- Men should be allowed to express, or not express, masculinity in many different ways, as long as they are healthy and do not harm women or other men.  Men should also be allowed to express emotions, and not only that, be but taught how to express them and deal with them in a way that doesn’t harm others. This is definitely a broad theme in DW.

Freaks by The Hawk in Paris

We have a flair for the shade and the inbetween We like to run with the wolves from the darker scene When we turn the safety off, the shots are automatic All our friends tell their friends we're so dramatic

We'll have you wrapped around our trigger finger Queen bee yellow, you're the skin for our stinger We'll make you swoon, make it hurt just a little We're the boys and the girls and the freaks in the middle

We know the halls you walk are unforgiving It's not the kind of place to find your place among the living We have a plan, we've got the means for your liberation You'll only have to blur the lines on a few occasions 

This song hits the themes of corruption and manipulation right on the head.  I also just love the sound of it- shady and smooth, lyrics flowin’.  In both the future and the past in Daydream Walking, there is corruption.  

In the past, it is more deeply rooted, at least in Port Cassandra.  The Captain is listless, dispassionate, and careless, past his prime and clinging to glory days gone by.  He largely ignores problems growing right underneath his nose.  Half the police forces is using, and addicted to, cocaine, as well as drinking heavily.  There are many more ways in which the police force in Port Cassandra is SUPER flawed, from each individual officer/detective to their aged/out of date vehicles, but it all tracks back up to the man in charge.  Not only does he not take care of brewing issues, he actively makes choices that get in the way of the productivity of the force.

In the future, well, I choose not to reveal how corruption has a role there, quite yet. >:3c

As far as manipulation goes, Quince is most certainly being manipulated/gaslit by Felicity, and manipulation also plays into corruption in Astervale’s government.

To end this section, the lyrics “the boys, and the girls, and the freaks in the middle” are fitting because of the many different characters appearing in DW, including quite a few nonbinary characters! (Note: Not that I think of nonbinary OR trans people as freaks, just seems to reflect some general societal outlook, especially historically unfortunately hhhhh)

Florida Kilos by Lana Del Rey

We could get high in Miami, ooh-ooh Dance the night away People never die in Miami, ooh-ooh That's what they all say (You believe me, don't you baby?)

Come on down to Florida, I got somethin' for ya We could see the kilos or the Keys, baby, oh, ya Guns in the summertime, chic-a-Cherry Cola lime 

And this one nails the drugs. Port Cassandra is up to its nose in cocaine, and not only it is inside the police, but many of them are also heavy drinkers.  The majority of people also smoke.  Quince is an alcoholic self-medicating subconsciously to deal with the abuse he’s been experiencing at the hands of his wife, and Clay is temporarily out of commission when he comes into contact with a new street drug.  Themes of addiction, recovery, and, yes, accidental death all show up in this thing.

The murder and death.  We start off dipping our toes into the waters of the investigation into the murder of the Morgans in Astervale, and many follow after that.  In Port Cassandra, many murders and “accidental deaths”(read: cocaine overdoses/drug associated car crashes) crop up, keeping the small police department stretched thin.  

And the presence of weapons, including guns, wands(which are treated as weapons/only issued to certain Government officials, mostly Enforcers(wizard cops)), knives, and even, cars. Clay’s means of travel into the past is an enchanted knife that cuts through the fabrics of time.  Alistair is almost constantly armed, or has a weapon nearby.  Clay, Daphne, and the rest of the Enforcers all possess wands, which allow them to do things with magic that cannot be done without a wand (for example: bodily manipulate somebody without their permission).

Additionally, the dreamy, slow sound of it feels really fitting, especially to the portion of the novel-beast set in Port Cassandra.  

(End note: Quince DOES get a happy ending, goddamnit!!  I feel like that is very important.)

If anybody has any further questions, please please please send them in!! I would love to answer them, and thinking about these things helps motivate me and figure out the rest of the story and what I should do next!