#hey guys im sooo normal im feeling sooooo normal right now

[rosenbergamot]

if you could understand me (CH.1)

Grian's voice is soft and inquisitive when he speaks. “Now, what’s this about? What’s wrong all of a sudden?” He likes when his voice gets like this, when he talks to Scar like he’s a human despite not knowing he can understand every word he says, when he treats their one-sided conversations as actual conversations, even if the language isn't there. ‘My best friend left me’, he says. ‘He’s trying to find our family. Or get rich. I don’t know, whichever comes first, I guess. And you and Mumbo are my only friends. But I can't talk to you! And I did it to myself! It's all just so...' He forgets the word for ‘annoying’ in dolphin, so he trails off. ‘Annoying’ isn’t even the right word. It hurts. It's killing him. There’s no language that can convey that. or: Scar is a mermaid. Scar has been left behind by all of his friends. Scar is lonely. That is, until he meets two humans on the beach, and decides that playing a little joke on them would be fun. So, Scar pretends he doesn't know their language. As a bit. A little prank. But Scar doesn't expect to like them so much, and once he realizes it, he's too far in to go back.

Here's the first chapter for the day 1 prompt for Mumscarian week (pranks). I'm so excited to share this with yall! First chapter is under the read more, and there is a link attached so you can read it on ao3 as well <3 MWAH

Read the first chapter on ao3 HERE !! Or read the first chapter below the cut!! OR BOTH ^^

The humans don’t know he speaks their language. 

Scar doesn’t blame them, because, well... he isn’t exactly advertising it. The moment they come onto his beach with all their silly instruments and metal things and glass tubes, scooping out water and picking up fish and inspecting clams, writing it all down on some strange flimsy pads, that's when Scar knows he has to mess with them. They're just too easy, what with their silly little faces and their "aha's" and "oho's"! 

Life’s been boring (re: depressing) ever since Cub moved south. In the brief few words they exchanged before he left Scar all alone, he said it would be easier to start an industry where there were more mermaids and less humans. He said it would be better for them, for both of them, if they were to just pack up and leave, go somewhere where it's not just the two of them, where Cub can use his brain and Scar can use his charisma, and the two of them can flourish. But Scar doesn’t want an industry! He really just wants to spend his time sinking ships, breaking pieces off of said sunken ships, and creating statues. Gem used to help him with that, finding sport in crashing ships and ripping them apart with her claws. Pearl would help him get the humans to shore. Cub would sigh at them, but help them lug the materials back to their cave. 

(Cub had also mentioned Gem and Pearl, as hushed as it was-- as if he was afraid to say their names after all this time, after they left with no trace. He had a theory that they went somewhere warmer, somewhere more familiar, somewhere that was easier. Scar didn’t know what to say to that. So he didn’t say anything.) 

That was a long time ago, though…

The first time he meets the humans it’s windy on the surface. 

He lays and watches the water. The way it’s ruffled by the wind reminds him of when he and Cub would wait for boats to pass (boats , a word he learned when he was younger and more daring, peeking his head up by the docks to listen to fisherman as they talked deep into the night) so that they could chase the waves they created; man-made waves, different from the way the water breathes on its own. 

It’s times like these when he wishes that Cub had stuck around. The sea snakes are only so interesting gliding across the sand until he gets bored and starts to fling them out of the water for amusement-- which apparently they don’t enjoy! And, jeez, apparently everyone’s a critic nowadays, can't handle being tossed up out of the water… 

He combs through his hair, ratty and unkempt, strands coming loose as he does. Pearl used to help him maintain it. Now it’s all… annoying and long. Braiding it would help him a bunch-- would also remind him of Pearl, which could either be good or bad for his mental health right now, but he's willing to take the risk. So, yeah, he’ll braid it! Might as well do something with his time. 

He starts to slowly swim through the water, searching for just the right strand of kelp to help him out. Usually the best pieces are near the shore, right where humans sometimes like to come and swim. Cub, Gem, and Pearl used to scare them away by biting chunks off their bodies, made it a competition to see who could get the most in their mouth before the humans ran away. He never participated, not as fast or as bloodthirsty as any of them, content to watch and laugh and jeer and judge. Nowadays he just nips at their toes if they're too deep in the water, sends jellyfish their way if he's feeling extra spiteful. But humans don't come around much anymore. He's not sure if that's a blessing or a curse. 

If he’s lucky maybe he’ll find a piece of fishing line that some careless human left behind. It lasts much longer than kelp. Last time he had to scour the seafloor for a sharp enough rock to cut the braid because his teeth were not doing the job. Some pretty impressive stuff! 

If Cub were here, he’d tell Scar to stop going so close to the shore, because one day a human is going to see him and not be intimidated by sharp teeth and claws, and they’re going to lure him in, and then they’re going to hook him and flay him open on the beach like they do with the fish. 

Which is ridiculous. If they hooked him, he’d just kill them! Easy as that! And then he’d eat them! Simple plan! 

(Thinking of eating a human makes his gills flare out. What do they taste like…? None of his friends would ever tell him, but they also never complained.)

In spite of the Cub in his head he moves closer to the shore, keeping his eyes sharp for a long thread of fishing line. 

Humans don’t usually like wind. They yell about how it screws up their ‘casts’, how it makes sand fly into their eyes, how it blows away their stuff. Which means he’s good to go as close as he needs to! What stupid human would be out right now? 

(Apparently two stupid ‘researchers’ is the answer to that.) 

As soon as he bursts out of the forest of kelp, right near the dock but not close enough to be obscured by it, he realizes that there are two humans standing right where the shore meets the water. Their pants are rolled up, feet bare (prime for nibbling, might he add), and they’re talking loudly about something that Scar can’t really make out. He hadn’t been able to see them until he got closer. And now that he’s closer, it seems they saw him before he saw them.

Aw, man. Rule number one of hunting: see your prey before they see you. He’s already failed.

They yell something. A commotion. He turns to retreat, but then something splashes above his head. His immediate thought is a net. His next thought is I'm going to die.

For a second, he is frozen. For a second, he sees himself caught and hooked, cut open, hung from poles and left to die and dry in the sun. He imagines Cub coming back just to find nothing in his wake. He imagines the pain he may feel at that, the regret, and maybe that gives him satisfaction for a moment, no matter how grim and disgusting it feels inside of him. He imagines giving himself up to these humans, letting them cut him open, saying Cub and Gem and Pearl with his last breaths, imagining they can hear it from wherever they went. He shakes his head, the images disappearing.

And nothing happens. He looks up and sees... a fish. A dead fish. That's weird. 

A peace offering? An apology for treading where they shouldn’t? 

Bait? Says the Cub in the back of his mind. 

The fish is different from what he’s used to. Not from around here. That’s interesting. 

That’s dangerous, dude, sneers Cub, flicking him on his imagined forehead. 

I mean, yeah… but isn’t it also interesting? 

He eyes the humans. They’ve moved back, but they’re still in his water. There’s a less conscious part of him that wants to scare them off right now, prove that this is his land, that they can’t just put their gosh darn feet wherever they so please! He shoves it aside, sighing. 

It’s been… pretty lonely around here without the others. 

Just come meet me, man! Argues the Cub in his mind-- which is ridiculous! He knew when he left that Scar wouldn’t be able to follow. He’s not made for long distance travel; Cub is. Maybe that's why he didn't even try to convince him. Maybe that's why he was gone in the morning. Maybe he knew that Scar would say no, would stay in his home, would wait for Pearl and Gem to come back no matter how long it took. 

And so that's why he left. And so that's why Scar is alone. And so that’s why Scar isn’t leaving. 

(And Scar is also curious as to who these people are. They’re not coming closer, not throwing weapons at him, and they walk around with their flesh exposed just waiting for him to take a bite out of them. Do they not know? Do they think this water is safe? Do they think they can set themselves up here, as if Scar hasn't been here his entire life? The most important question, however, is: what do they taste like…?) 

He moves himself out of the shadows, reaches up a hand to grab the fish. His claw digs into it, warmed by the sun, and then he yanks it down. 

One of the humans screams. The other one screams immediately after, an involuntary reaction. 

There’s a flailing, and then one of them loses their balance and falls face first into the water. The splash disturbs a school of fish nearby, sending them careening in Scar’s direction. He swipes his nail downwards, manages to spear one on his claws, and shoves it into his mouth. 

As he chews, he sighs. Those things barely put up a fight. How boring. Wouldn't it be more fun if they tried to bite back? Maybe hit him with their little fins? 

He looks at the human again and finds their eyes wide open. Looking directly at him. His stare sends a jolt down his spine, makes him straighten himself up, suddenly aware of things he hasn't been aware of in forever-- like the way his hair floats around him, how shiny his tail is, how his scars look underneath the water. So as not to startle him, Scar waves as gently as he possibly can. The human starts to scream, bubbles erupting out of his mouth. Just as quickly as he fell, he scrambles out of the water. 

His hand falls. He notices, then, that there is more blood on his claws than he thought there was. There must be blood around his mouth, too. Oh, dangit. Just when he's trying to be friendly and not scary, too! They even gave him this gift! Some weird new fish, all different colours than he's used to. He turns it over in his hands, claws gently scraping a deep wound in the neck. A clean wound. It was killed swiftly, not with teeth and not with claws. And, jeez, humans are so dang strange! Where’s the fun in just killing it easily? Where’s the hunt? 

The humans are out of the water now. He cautiously swims to the surface, peeking his eyes out and blinking as the sun hits his head. On the beach he sees two people screaming at each other. The one who fell in the water has a ridiculous moustache on his face, his hair short and spiked from running his hand through it. The other has curly hair, some weird circular things on his face, and a whole thing of oysters at his feet. 

They gesture wildly at each other, their backs to him. On his beach. Near his water. Oh, boy, didn��t anyone ever tell them not to turn their backs on a predator? Jeez, it’s like they’re asking for him to mess with them!

“Mumbo, I thought I told you to keep your nose out of the redstone supply! It’s not for snorting, it's for powering our equipment!” The smaller one yells.

“For goodness… Grian, you know I haven’t done that stuff since college. I-I’m not on drugs, mate, I’m just… I just… I saw something.” The bigger one scratches at his head, his hands shaking. 

He slowly slithers up closer, making sure his tail stays below the water, his belly to the sand. He drags himself up by his claws, keeping an eye on the two of them. They don’t seem to notice anything, too involved in their little argument to even question if what they saw had good intentions or not. 

And he has good intentions! Of course he does-- of course! He just wants to scare them a little bit. Maybe take a chomp out of their legs. Maybe taste their flesh. Maybe fill his mouth up with their blood. 

If it were Cub or Gem or Pearl sneaking up on them like this, they’d be dead within seconds. But Scar just wants some entertainment that’s different from staring at fish all day… actually, mostly he just wants to taste them. Like, he really wants to taste them. He’s a nice guy! Just a little bit… peckish. 

And he’s getting closer. And closer. And closer.

“People don’t come to this beach for a reason, Grian! They-- the locals said that there are,” his voice gets real quiet, "spirits in the water.” 

“Why on earth would spirits be in the water and not on land?” 

“I don’t know, man, I’m not-- not some kind of… spirit expert! Why on earth would spirits be stuck on the land, though? How does that make sense, mate? We shouldn’t apply our own logic to spirits. Honestly, check yourself.”

The small one puts his head in his hands but says nothing. Just as Scar pulls himself out of the water, eyes trained on the heel of the bigger one, the small one’s eyes flick down to him. They’re a deep brown, almost black, magnified a bit by whatever ridiculous thing he’s got on his face. 

“Mumbo.” He says. Quietly. Carefully. “Don’t look now, but there’s… something there.”

Bigger one freezes up. “Y-Y-You… Grian, this isn’t very funny. I’m not a fan of your pranks! You know this!” 

Small one is still looking at him. Challenging him.  

Instincts tell him that he failed this hunt and he is vastly outnumbered, but curiosity gets the better of him. He could probably still… take a bite. 

A pause. Then, using all his hunting instincts, he rockets himself towards the leg, feeling his fangs dripping with saliva as he does. The small one is faster on the land, though, and tackles the big one out of his reach, his jaw snapping closed onto nothing but air. 

The humans fall to the sand, and Scar slithers back into the water as quickly as possible, relief pulsing through his body. Not his best move, he’ll be honest. 

“Mumbo, you absolute spoon! ” Shouts small one. 

He sticks his eyes out of the water. They’re both staring at him. They go white as he blinks at them.

“Do you… heh, um… do you see that, mate?” 

“That’s what just tried to take a bite out of your leg, buddy.”

“Oh. Oh, goodness.” The big one’s voice trickles off into nothing. His eyes flutter, then he collapses into the sand. 

Holy shit I killed him. 

A series of clicks and trills come out of his mouth before he can stop them. Mostly curses. He learned it from the dolphins around here, way back when he was younger, when Cub said that he should probably spend less time listening to humans speak and spend more time listening to ocean creatures speak. He’s pretty fluent now. What good does that do for him, though? 

‘I just wanted a taste?’ He says to him in dolphin. The small one doesn’t seem to care, immediately dragging his companion’s body away from the water. 

Maybe I can convince him to throw the whole body into the water? Get a full meal out of it? And some cool bones! Ohhh, I’m a genius! 

And then maybe small one will stick around and he’ll have tackled two of his issues! He’ll have a new friend and a taste of human! What a perfect compromise. 

Just as he’s planning the best way to convince small one to hand over the corpse of big one, suddenly he starts to stir. Scar tries not to look too disappointed. The small one is whispering to him, brushing back his hair and bringing him things that he eats and drinks, slow and unsure. The whole time Scar is there watching them. The whole time they both watch him right back, conversing in quiet voices.

But he wants to hear them! How selfish!

He swims a little bit closer. 

“Stay back!” The small one barks.

He stops. A beat passes. 

“Do… do you think it understands us?” The big one asks, just loud enough for him to hear. 

Small one regards him with a shocking amount of unfriendliness. His fins droop at the stare. 

“Uh… I’m not quite sure, Mumbo. It’s not really a human. But it’s not really a fish either. Say, what are the odds that English of all languages made its way down to the bottom of the ocean in a country colonized by England rather early? Probably quite low, yeah? Just generally speaking."

Big one appears to be thinking. “Right. Point taken. Um. Do you… do you think maybe it’s just hungry?”

“Well, I gave it a fish, Mumbo! For goodness sake, it shouldn’t be greedy.”

“It’s bigger than a normal fish, Grian! Look! It’s like the size of a whole human!” Big one gestures wildly at him, his voice going all high pitched. “D-Do you absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that just one little fish is enough to satiate something that big?”

“So you want me to give it more fish.” Deadpans the smaller one. "You want me to reward it for attacking you? For trying to take a big ol' bite out of your leg?"

“Well, if it stops the thing from attacking me again, I’d be right chuffed about that.” 

A dramatic sigh, and the small one pulls himself up, walking barefoot across the shore until Scar can barely see him anymore. 

Amateur move. He could just kill the big one right now and be done with it, drag his body so far down the short one won’t even know what happened. His eyes must turn hungry, because the big one starts to giggle nervously.

“Y-You… right, you’re looking at me like I’m a delicious meal right now. And I see where you’re coming from! Really, I do-- I mean, I’m not a meat eater, but if I was then I’d imagine that a human would taste pretty interesting. Maybe even good? Probably dependent on their diet. Not… not that I would eat humans if I did eat meat. Because that’s cannibalism. And that’s generally frowned upon. Illegal and unethical, one may say. And they do. Say that, that is. It’s, like, a thing written into the law.” 

Alright, now Scar’s confused.

He’s wringing his hands, still talking. “Say, do you even eat humans? Because every story I’ve heard says people only really leave with a few bits of their flesh missing. Much better than being eaten whole, might I say, because at least you’re still alive, even if you are missin’ a few veins and maybe even some muscles. Pretty important, but not as important as the whole body. Or the organs.” He hums, looking like he’s genuinely intrigued himself. “Goodness, but imagine if you could just get straight to the organs. Your claws look rather sharp, you could just,” he kind of swipes his hand across his own chest, “do that. You know? Wouldn’t that be a scary thing? Gosh, am I glad you can’t understand me, because I am both speaking nonsense and giving you very good ideas.”

He is! It’s very entertaining. Scar has started to drift closer, completely forgetting about his previous goals of dragging him down and feasting on his corpse-- because if he did that, then he wouldn’t get to hear him talk! And that would be a shame! He’s got a weird accent-- both of the humans do, actually, and it’s a little hypnotic to listen to. It reminds him a bit of Pearl, but different in so many ways. And his face lights up when he talks! Even if he looks increasingly more scared the closer Scar gets. 

“A-Ah, buddy, you are… you are getting quite close, aren’t you?” He scoots backwards in the sand, so Scar stops. A click. A trill. Telling him not to leave. He bows his head in submission, hopes it makes him look pathetic enough that the human will forgive his former plan to eat him and keep talking. “You… huh, that’s very interesting. That must be your language. You have a language. And you are-- you are speaking it to me right now, currently, as I speak to you, almost as if you are responding.” 

Inwardly, he giggles. Outwardly, he clicks once again: ‘I’m a respondy sort of guy!’ 

It makes his eyes go all shiny. Cute! “Wow! You are absolutely responding to me! H-Hold on, let me get my notepad--” he trips as he stands up, sand scattering, and grabs a little slab of something and a shiny tube. He starts to move his wrist, watching him all the while. “We came here to study the water and the wildlife, environmental conservation and all that good stuff, but we really did not expect to find… whatever you are! Gosh, you’re very cool!” 

‘You really think so?’ He slaps his tail against the surface of the water, puffing up his chest. The human gets a glimpse of his tail and nearly drops his stuff, mouth falling open. He smiles, hoping his teeth aren’t still all bloody and off putting. 

As the human moves his wrist, he speaks aloud, “multicoloured scales on tail… bared teeth at me, unsure if sign of aggression? ” 

The small one is coming back now. He’s way too fast! Scar is enjoying this big one and the funny ways he speaks and how his eyes look when he’s excited and the way he admires his tail! He does not like the way the smaller one glares at him as if he’s done something wrong. He didn’t do anything! 

He only tried to do something. Very different, right? 

“Mumbo, what the heck are you doing?” He cries. He’s carrying three more fish. “The thing is right there!”

“Yeah, mate, but it’s been docile! It’s just watchin’ me! Listen, Grian, it-- it made these sounds,” he tries to imitate what Scar said, failing so miserably that he has to submerge himself to roll around on the seafloor, his laughter attracting some curious fish that he can’t even eat because he’s so busy giggling . When he comes back, the guy is still talking. “...and honestly I’m not quite sure if the previous display of submission was because it felt bad or was trying to be peaceful or-- Grian, I’m not certain how aware it is, honestly? It seems like it knows what’s happening. And… it’s got a human face.” 

“I see that, Mumbo.” Small one studies him. He studies him right back. Small one is less curious, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still curious. He just hides it well. “I… look, I’m honestly not sure what to do with it. Like, obviously let it go, yeah, but it doesn’t seem to want to leave. Animals don’t tend to stick around like this.”

“It’s not an animal!” 

‘Exactly! I’m just like you! Except only kind of. I'm missin' the whole legs part.’ He clicks and trills at them. 

“See?!” Big one is happy again. His chest flutters. “It’s-- they’re listening to us! They may not be able to understand us, but they’re still capable of speech.”

The small one comes closer to the water. He watches as he bends down, placing the fish at the shore, waggling a finger at him. “Don’t you dare attack me when I’m here to give you food, or I’ll be quite pissed off.”

Ohhh, it would be so funny if he attacked him. But he won’t! He’s a man of many talents, and one of those talents includes restraint. 

(But it would be really funny if he did it, still.) 

He swims up slowly, so as not to startle them. The small one takes a step back. He picks up a fish and stares at it. It looks equally as shocked as he is to see it, eyes frozen over in a permanent state of disbelief. Still, he’s hungry, so he shoves it into his gullet and devours it, licking blood and viscera off of his lips as he stares up at them.

“I’m gonna be sick,” the big one says. 

“Huh.” The smaller one is smiling, now, his suspicions softening. “Y’know, Mumbo… they’re rather cute, wouldn’t you say?”

His ears pin back to his head. He’s what? Cute?! 

“You-- what the heck , Grian? They just devoured a fish in front of you and you think that's cute? Your priorities are... man, I don't even know what to say."

“N-Not in that way! God, I’ve just gone and embarrassed myself, haven’t I?”

“That’s practically a human! You can’t flirt with the person we just met out of the ocean, Grian, have some tact!” 

“But they’re not practically a human! They’ve got a whole… whole fish half, Mumbo!” He devours another fish. They’re both looking a bit apprehensive now. “Um. Yeah, this is a whole mermaid situation, for sure.” 

“And mermaids are basically human!” 

“Well, we don’t know that? We didn’t know they were real until about,” he checks something on his wrist, “oh, I don’t know, thirty minutes ago?! And I wasn’t flirting, you strange man! It’s just… they looked happy to have some food.” 

He’s not wrong about that. Scar’s happy to eat! Happy to be in the sun! Happy to be talking to a few humans even if they seem to think he can’t understand them! Happy to be playing a little trick on them the most! 

“Huh.” Big one seems to relax. He looks at Scar, his head tilting. “Yeah, I guess they did. Say, do you think they’re struggling for food out here?”

“Maybe?” Small one steps closer, as if to get a better look at him, and yet it still frightens something deep inside of him. He snatches his fish and dives under the surface. He can hear him apologizing. He comes back up, a better distance away, and tries to soothe the nerves that jitter around in him.

Smaller one struggles for words for a second. “I’m sorry, mate, I-- shit… Mumbo, I think we’ve found something else interesting to observe.”

“Oh, what could be more interesting than…” he looks down at the stuff around his feet. “Measuring water contents and looking to see if the oysters have any genetic mutations? What could we possibly observe that would be more fun than that?” 

They both grin at each other, and whatever little nuanced message they communicate via their eyes goes completely over Scar’s head, but still... he’s got a feeling he just made two new friends today.

[cottoncandy-jester]

✨Lie down darling it's time for a dream✨

Faking it pt 2(mom squad)

Thought i would do a part two except with the mom squad cause...yeah i like the thought of this scenario plus yaku makes my heart race

This is very much 18+ also like before reader is a girl

Sugawara koushi

Okay so starting with sugamama

he knows something isn't quite right when you guys do it mostly cause he knows your body

He knows your soft spots and little twitches during climax

Hell he knows the exact moan you maie when cumming

He is the type to catch you redhanded

Like when you guys do it and you claim to cum

He just stares at you for a looong time before giving you a look that just oozes with "you sure bout that?"

Honestly he is pretty upset that you would just lie right infront of him

He calls you out and when you try to come up with some excuse he doesn't want to hear it

"c-cumming! A-ah koushi!"

Your loud whine and arching of your back made the male above you grunt lowly as he cummed inside you but something wasn't quite right. There was no tight clenching feeling around his cock and the way you looked under him made him question the words that just spilled from your lips

"you came?"

His question made you shudder as you looked into his eyes only to see darkness staring back at you, he was dead serious and it was a little scary. As you wrapped your arms around his neck and leaned up kissing his lips quickly a soft laugh escaped you

"of course I did koushi! What a weird question"

Your playful tone made him relax but something still wasn't right, he knew your body almost better than you did. He knew what you having an orgasm felt like and that did not feel like that, as he stared at you a feeling of embarrassment and pain flooded him at the thought of you faking an orgasm, was he that bad at sex now?

"sweetie, did you fake that orgasm?"

He noticed how pale you got from just a question and that was the evidence he needed to confirm his thoughts. Without thinking the male rocked his hips now slamming deep into you earning a shocked gasp from your lips.

"k-koushi what ar-"

"shhhh I'm going to make you cum, then we can talk about this but for now I need to see you at least squirt so it seems we are going to be here a while"

Akaashi keiji

He likes to think that you enjoy having sex with him

He doesn't brag or anything but he feels confident in his sex life

You never complained to him so he didn't think anything was weird

Sure sometimes your moans sound a little overdramatic and weird at times but maybe it's cause you really like it

One day after a session and a ton of aftercare he decided to jump into the shower

You two normally shower together but today you two decided to take separate showers

You were desperate for the orgasm that keiji failed to give you so you figured you would use a toy while he showers

You were not expecting to be caught

A shaky sigh escaped you as you shoved the toy deeper inside, the vibrating feeling driving you close to climax. You felt a little bad for telling keiji that you cummed when you really didn't but you honestly didn't want to hurt his pride so you would usually just make yourself cum afterwards when you're alone.

"so close, ah..I'm going to cum"

Your needy little whines that escaped you only got louder but before you could even do anything someone gripped your wrist tightly, you flinched only to be face to face with akaashi who had a curious Expression.

He slowly pulled the toy out of you before dropping it on the floor. He honestly didn't know what to think, you two just had sex and you were using a sex toy right after either you were still horny or not satisfied

"tell me, what exactly are you doing?"

You glanced down to see the male was still a little wet from the shower, you must have been too busy to notice the shower stopping and him getting out. A gulp came from you as you decided to confess the truth

"i-im sorry keiji, I didn't quite cum so I decided to just-"

"tell me you did and handle it yourself? That's quite rude. As your partner you should tell me these things"

His tone was brimming with pain as a large sigh came from him and he settled between your legs his tongue now trailing along your thigh.

"guess I have to make you cum over and over until I feel better about this"

You looked down and could see the light smirk on his face and honestly that scared you. You two spent the next hour fucking so hard that you were sobbing and shaking

Iwaizumi hajime

Okay so it takes him a while to find out

You keep it a secret pretty good

You two don't really talk about sex much except for when you want to try a new kink

Oikawa thought it would be funny to get you drunk and make you spill all your secrets

He learned your breast size, your favorite songs, and another interesting secret

"h-hajime is always sooooo busy and we barley fuck it's sooo awful"

Oh? Yes do tell more you drunk cutie

"then when we do have sex he has his moments where he just can't hit it right..ughhh I have to fake it sometimes..isn't that the worst tooru?"

Oikawa is SHOCKED

And offended like iwa chan how you neglect this poor girl of her proper needs

The idiot talks to iwaizumi the next day telling him everything

Iwaizumi is not pleased no he's pissed that you went to oikawa and blabbered about how unhappy you are

Jealousy is quick to set in and before you know it you find yourself in the back seat of iwaizumi's car facing his wrath

"did you tell shittykawa so he can fuck you? You think he can fuck you better than me?"

Iwaizumi's harsh tone as he pumped two fingers in and out of your wet cunt watching your body writhe in pleasure again the leather seats.

He had asked you out on a date but during the date he was cold and distance the entire time and you just realized why. The male pulled back only unbuckle his pants whipping his hard cock out as he looked down at you with a look of pure rage before he took out his phone and started to record you

"you're gonna soak these car seats with your juices and prove to shittykawa that I'm enough for you"

You two fucked for hours and when done iwaizumi sent the video to oikawa with zero explanation.

Yaku morisuke

Okay for this one yaku is a little mean but...I mean it's yaku.

Okay so yaku is terrifying when angry

You honestly didn't even mean to fake it the first time but he didnt catch it and you were way too scared to say anything

After your third time faking you were wondering what to do

He is really good at sex but there are just some times where he doesn't quite hit the mark

Like the dumbass you are you asked lev for advice

Lev honestly said to just talk to him but you decided you rather die than do that

So lev did it for you- AND BOY

You hummed as you cut up carrots for the curry you were making for dinner while yaku was gone, you definitely wasn't expecting him to show up early and by the slam you heard you can guess that he was very upset.

Before you could turn around you felt arms wrap around you locking you in place, a hand swiftly reached and gropes your breast. You tensed before glancing back and seeing angry eyes glaring at you

"h-hey, sweetie what's-"

"so, I can't make you cum huh? That's what you think yeah? What did you and lev laugh behind my back about it?"

His tone was sharp as he calmly reached past you to turn the stove off before pushing you against the counter bending you over it and quickly exposing your already wet pussy with a low growl

"fuck you, fuck both you and lev for making a damn fool of me."

When you tried to speak he simply wrapped a hand arounf your throat before giving it a firm squeeze while his other hand quickly released his cock from his pants.

"shut the hell up, do you know how fucking embarrassing it is to hear that you told lev that you faked an orgasm or two with me? Damn it that really sucks to hear but I suppose it makes sense"

Yaku lined himself up before shoving himself inside you with little to no warning, he pulled you back against his chest his hand still around your throat as he started to mercilessly fuck you in the kitchen.

"it's fine, just means I gotta break you a little..all you're going to think about is how good I make you feel. I'll make sure to make up for those times you didn't cum by making you cum all over the floor, you'll be my littlw dumb cock whore once I'm fucking done with you"

Yaku did make good on his statement and fucked you while whispering filthy words and Insults in your ear til you started to cry. You wounded his ego so it was only normal for him to be your self esteem just a little bit.

[ask-svt-hearteu]

Hogwarts! Hoshi

Anon requested: “Hi! can i request a Hogwarts Hoshi please? thank you so much💓💓💓” and “Heyyy! i really love your Hogwarts!Au and i was wondering if you could do a Hoshi!Hogwarts AU???? thanks in advanceeee”

Genre: fluff

Word Count: 1570

honestly people don't really know if he's Hufflepuff or not 

like somethings yeah, and other times no...

like what Hufflepuff disco dances on the chairs at lunch 

people really only have two thoughts about him 

"sheesh people are trying to eat here" 

"lmao that Soonyoung guy is really funny" 

walking around the school, he'll be really playful 

and seemingly not serious about anything at all 

but you've never seen him in class or working 

paying attention most of the time 

if he's not, he's probably goofing off with someone 

or trying to sneak in food and pass it around 

freaks out when he doesn't have all the notes 

and goes beg someone wonwoo for them 

but seriously studies so hard for exams 

because he's muggleborn 

and pretty open about it 

all about proving everyone wrong, that muggleborns can succeed too 

and gets really angry when some people bully others about it, or just any bullying in general actually 

he used to stand back, because he was scared to go up 

but one day in second year, he gained confidence and just exploded 

"you're not even HALF the person he is" 

ever since then no one bullies anyone while he's around unless you wanna face his wrath 

and 12 others 

Hufflepuff's cheeriest beater 

hits the flying balls with a smile on his face 

still hella competitive though

if anyone can pull off being serious but bright it's Kwon Soonyoung 

doing tricks on his broom whenever they win

with the announcer Seungkwan screaming in the background 

"YEAHHHH HUFFLEPUFF IS THE BEST!!! LOOK AT OUR BEATER HOSHI GO!!! GO HOSHI HYUNG!!" 

best subjects are Charms and Astronomy 

in his first year, they had to learn 'incendio' 

a spell to create fire 

waved his wand around and said the word once and all of a sudden the desk was on fire

screamed his head off 

"FIRE FIRE FIIRREEEEEE" 

he was like okay Charms isn't my thing 

a week later Jihoon was like 

"??? it means you're good at it, just learn how to have some control"

shows off to to all the new first years at dinner annually 

it's basically a tradition now to have Soonyoung light the tip of his wand on fire and creating smores for everyone 

and consecutively getting detention 

in third year, he got this brilliant idea after he had got a high grade in astronomy 

"HEYYYY YOU SHOULD START CALLING ME HOSHI CUZ IT MEANS STAR" 

for a while everyone was looking at him like wtf 

but he legit said it like 17 times a day though 

so they gave in 

somehow, it became understood you only call him Soonyoung if you were close 

or a teacher 

you're a Gryffindor meaning you have Herbology with Hufflepuff 

you stand right across from him 

so whenever he makes a mistake and looks up in embarrassment to check if anyone saw 

you normally catch his eyes and offer an eye smile then put one finger over your mouth 

making him giggle loudly the first time 

"are bowtruckles funny to you Soonyoung?" 

Hoshi's kinda notorious for ruining plants 

so you guys have these exchanges often 

but really the only things he's good at is creating fire when needed, 

the only reason why he's passing 

you guys have had this 'inside joke' going on for about two years now, being in fourth year currently 

you both don't really talk much outside of class besides the 'hey what's up' in the hallways 

but on this day he musters up the courage to walk up next to you

"heyyy y/n" 

looking away from your friend, you grin, "heyyy" 

glancing back at your friend, she wiggles her eye brows and leaves winking 

yeah you pray Hoshi didn't catch that 

walking together, talking and making jokes, you eventually get to your class

"this is me, bye Hoshi~" you wave and walk into the classroom

"byee~" he calls happily before turning around and sighing 

not before being pulled to the side by Jun though 

"I see you there, make a move" Jun smirks 

Hoshi simply groans, ”she called me Hoshi though, i'm basically being friendzoned!!!" 

"but you never told her to call you Soonyoung!!! you have to tell her!" 

"what if she thinks i'm weird!" 

it's known between their group of friends Hoshi has a major crush on you 

"you can do it okay!" Jun cheers before walking into the class also 

and although Soonyoung didn't show it, he was lowkey stressed for the rest of the week 

because how was he supposed know how you felt about him 

ooohhh but Jun knew but the sly fella wasn't gonna tell Hoshi anything, gotta learn himself 

that doesn't stop Jun from walking up to you in the common room one night 

"y/n!!!" 

you look up from your essay and give him a look, "what?" 

you unwillingly let him slide into the couch you're sitting on 

"sooooo about Soonyoungie" 

you don't show a reaction even though you're freakin out on the inside 

"Hoshi? what about him?" 

"next time we go to hogsmeade, i'll come over to you with Soonyoung and listen to me, MAKE A MOVE!!" 

"uhhh" you say speechless, you eyes wavering, "are you trying to break my heart?!?!" 

it's obvious to you by now, Jun knows you have a crush on Hoshi 

well seems like he's tryna put Hoshi im a position he doesn't want to be in

"what NO never!! i'm telling, you. unleash your Gryffindor!" 

you roll you eyes at him, "don't you have better things to do, i'm trying to finish this essay that's due tomorrow" 

he simply smiles before leaving, and of course excessively whispers "Hogsmeade" 

yeah well that time came 

with Jun's girlfriend dragging you to Hogsmeade and very obviously making the two of you sit in a specific four seater booth 

with her sitting across from you 

you stare at your friend, "Does Jun think he's a master at love now that he's got you?" 

you can tell you friend gets a tiny bit flustered, "ah what are you talking about?" 

"mhmm" you nod sarcastically, "well i'm getting a butterbeer" 

she shakes her head, "NO" 

"ooka-" 

"HI BABE" Jun suddenly comes over saying a little too loud, sliding into the booth next to her, "heyyy Y/N" 

this of course only gives Hoshi the option of sitting next to you 

you smile nervously, "hey Hoshi" 

"a-ah, hey y/n" he flashes the most adorable grin ever 

"sooo where's the butterbeers at? excuse me can i get two butterbeers?"

he calls someone over then gives Soonyoung a smirk 

"can i get two butterbeers too?" Hoshi calls also 

'okay??? like am I just supposed to assume he's buying one for me?? or maybe he's just thristy??' you think 

"I-" you start 

"I got you don't worry," he says with a smile, cutting you off 

you laugh sheepishly, "ah you don't have to, i'll pay" 

he shakes his head, the corners of his mouth twitching up 

at this time the butterbeer arrives

Hoshi reaches in his pocket and quickly hands them to the waitress who's already walking away  

"i can pay you back" you blurt looking into his eyes 

"it's no big deal, here drink" he hands you the drink 

his eyes are the cutest when he smiles 

"well okay we're gonna go do couple stuff so i hope you guys do too" Jun leaves you and Hoshi with that statement, taking his girlfriend and your friend with him 

you whip you head back at Hoshi who's already looking at you 

it seems like the both of you just decide to ignore jun's words 

with blush tinted faces 

"soo Hoshi-" 

"just call me Soonyoung" if possible the redness in his ears is more noticeable 

"a-ah okay, wow I'm getting cut off a lot today" you joke 

"my bad" he chuckles

the both of you sit there making jokes as you finish the butterbeer 

he stays sitting next to you and doesnt move across from you 

it might have looked uncomfortable to others but you were okay with it 

completely okay 

"let's go look around!" he suggests excitedly 

when you both were walking down the streets, his elbow grazed yours 

you wanted to hold his hand so badly 

well he wanted to hold you so so much too 

you guys end up looking at candy 

"i love the chocolate frogs" you say looking at a box 

"i'm trying to collect the cards" he laughs as if he's embarrassed 

"well if i get anyone important i'll give it too you" you nudge his arm smiling 

making his heart jump 

soon it's time to go back so the two of you ride the carriage together 

and as it's time to part ways, you don't want to leave 

not without something happening, what, you don't know 

"i had a great time," you say softly, wrapping your arms around him 

burying your head into his shoulders as you feel his arms wrap around you 

"let's hang out again, anywhere, the hogsmeade trip is too far" he says by your ear 

"i'll find you soon, soonyoung," you depart with a smile on your face, winking

"i hope you do," he laughs, showing off his brightest grin

"OOH SOONYOUNG GET. IT." 

you don't turn around at the sound one of Soonyoung's friends 

but you raise a hand to your mouth to muffle your giggle when hearing Soonyoung's pleads to stop the teasing

The Seventeen Hogwarts AU Series:

| S.coups | Jeonghan | Joshua | Jun | Hoshi | Wonwoo | Woozi | DK | Mingyu | Minghao | Seungkwan | Vernon | Dino |

MASTERLIST

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this mentally ill person causes an extreme amount of chaos in my life which is completely not needed because although i lack certain things - i could probably get by without them. like im going to be sad and whatever but im not going to die and ill find a way to live. 

but their illness absolutely causes many of my issues to be triggered which does not in anyway allow me clarity in the moment because i am still working on my issues. and heres what i can give to myself: i never ran away. ive been knocked down and shit on and dragged through the mud and as much as ive even wanted to - ive never run away and i never gave up. this is my strength. this is the resilience. 

i have alot of complex feelings about this and i want to not entangle all of them into this giant lump of grief and sadness but to address each part of it and work through each part on its own to complete the big picture. and i feel im doing this in my own life like ive gone from complete mental break downs to just being really sad. my immediate thought is not ‘i want to fucking die’. like maybe i feel this way and its one of the thoughts but its not the first one. its not the overwhelming one anymore. and i cant even express how this has made things better for me. i am able to cope so much moe when im not in an anxiety attack like death could truly be imminent just by my own hands. 

like heres an overwhelming fact: no one will ever give a fuck. no one will ever really want to help. 

one day im sure ill be romantically surprised by the prince charming that changes everything for me but until that day comes - ive spent a decade involved in other peoples lives because i have no life of my own. i have no family, no traditions, no holidays. no one can join me for a thing - i join them. 

and heres another overwhelming fact: this is not remotely fair. i was dealt a really shitty hand and its not fair but nothing changes this. nothing changes that its not fair. i will not get my parents back. i will not have a family i grew up with. its not fair. this is just a fact, not whining - it’s not fair that this happened. and of course “life is not fair” but its truly not fair to have your parents die at an early age. its not fair to have a child die young. theres many not fairs. its just .. not fair. 

what do i do with this information? this is like .. a real turning point to make. 

i guess to start, how do i feel? and i feel... sad. and frustrated. and lke.. i wish the world was a better place. im angry that like.. people really take for granted what they were just handed and i dont know how to stop being super bitter about it. im not even pissed i didnt live a glamorous life but the older i get the more i realize that my parents were completely and totally unfit parents to their core. and like this is so hard to admit because i loved my father soo much and this person did so much for me and my ungrateful mother but he did so little as well. 

and i repeat this cycle. i was given such little attention as a child that i am absolutely grateful for something i should have gotten purely out of love. like why do i walk around with “i never asked for this” tattooed on me? since i was a small child i just felt like - wow i never asked to be here you know. like im not TRYING to be here. i was just popped out of the womb and now im like this giant burden to your life and like my mother didnt care at all and she held sooo much resentment towards me. and this is what i knew. this is all i have ever known in my whole life. mentally ill people who are completely incapable of caring for anoter human being making me an intregal part of their lives. 

and what really has confounded me for years is whether or not i am mentally ill. like is everyone around me crazy or am i the crazy one? and its like -- no one knows the isolation ive had except me. and they take this as like being lazy or unsociable but ive been terrified to go out and interact with people because am i the crazy one or are they? 

but as i get older i realize i honestly may not be the mentally ill person. how could one ever tell this when ive been under duress since i was 3? its not that i am mentally ill its that im reacting to my surroundings like any normal human being. i am not psychotic or paranoid, i dont have delusions or an ego. im actually, i believe, a pretty fine and sane person who appears mentally ill under these scenarios. i thought i had a mood disorder - no, i just live an extremely stressful life. and have for like two decades. of COuRSE i feel different things quickly and without regard. of COURSE. thats a REACTION to the scenario, usually of which is completely abnormal. 

and there is not a single person in my life to pat my back and be like hey, its okay to feel this way you know. its okay that youre angry. its okay that youre sad. ive begun developing the voice in my head that will be this person. i realized its the only way i will be able to survive. when ram dass said you are not your depression, i realized i am not any of my emotions. i am just feeling these things. and there is a reason why i am feeling them. im not just waking up rying to feel this way. thre is a root problem.

but when you are surrounded by mentally ill people, they suck you into their illness and you react to this. so not only do i have my own issues im dealing with seperately on my own but now i have these issues coming up begging to trigger certain emotions and thoughts in me which really are not issues im capable of dealing with because IM not  a therapist or a trained professional and i can barely navigate my own life right now. but i work especially hard not to have this fall on other people. i understand that i was handed this deck. no one else was handed it. this is for me to do what im going to do with it. so i blame no one for me not having parents. it is no ones responsibility to fill their roles. or even be a family member to me. 

for example; hearing constantly about how this political system doesnt work or poor people are disadvantaged or the city is corrupt etc. -- all facts im well aware of which linger in my mind on a daily basis which i have to fight with everything i have to get out of bed and keep doing something. but now i have it being reiterated to me as well on a regular basis and my desire to do anything has dwindled to nothing. 

i have become trapped in this non relationship because it was easy for him to get what he wanted by giving me just a bit of what i wanted. he has been very very very selfish from the beginning because he knows he will not be monogamous or fulfill my emotional needs but continues to maintain this non relationship. he believes i am responsible because he “told me this” and i continued to be involved with a mentally ill person who spent all of his time with me, usually by his own choice because again, it was “easy for him”. he reiterated ENOUGH times that he believes i need to be cared for and that he has done everything he is currently possibly able to do within his own means to care for me. 

but its kind of like .. this stray dog. like you know this dog needs care despite its survival on its own and you feed it every once in awhile maybe give it a bath, hang out with it for awhile but you never give the dog what it needs. 

and also, you’re treating me like a dog. as if i have no emotional brain to feel what it’s like for someone to treat me like this. as if i dont know that you have a home. and you have all the things you need. and youre just feeding me scraps because you feel bad. 

ive lost respect for him because hes running. its not even a jealousy issue becuse i know if i went away for three months and returned, all of my problems would still be there. my parents dont come back in thre months. he never tried to improve his situation and instead ran away from it and ive just lost alot of respect for him for doing that. 

and if i cant respect him i dont know if i can even be his friend. 

and he has not shown appropriate respect for my own issues either so what i am feeling right now is just an overall lack of respect for this person. like i still love them but i feel like i cant hold my own head high or like sleep at night knowing i dont respect this person but im still supporting them. its like nikki sixx. i dont respect him anymore and i probably will never support his projects again. but i had such a deep love and adoration and like i still have that first love kind of feeling like this person really influenced my life and i owe their character alot for my character but omg do i not respect him at all. could i never look at nikki sixx again?

no. 

and thats the confliction. like it does not matter what he does at all. it matters what i do and what i decide upon this and how important he is to my life. i lost all respect for my ex when he cheated and lied. u know its the lieing. its not even the cheating. im not even mad about the cheating, its the lies for months on end. like what a mar on your character. thats who you are now. youre a person who lied. do i still look at him?

yes. do i still talk to him? no. did i talk to him? yes. because being so young i didnt know how i would feel in this scenario like this was anther nikki sixx. five years out of the gate - i would not watch video games to this day if i didnt have this relationship and this is like the most comforting thing in all of my life. like even beyond weed, the most comforting thing is just some guy playing video games. and thats only from my ex. i wouldve never developed this comfort in watching games had i not ha this experience. now thats apart of who i am. and i think about him atleast 10 - 20 times a month. easily. i think about the time we spent together, i think about how much i loved him, how much i loved his guitar playing -  i felt really lucky at the time and that this would be the man i would marry and spend the rest of my life with. i wanted to do this. 

and i talked to him because i wanted this sooooo bad i hoped that he could say or do something that would regain my respect and nothing he did or said made it any better. i never regained respect for him. and its because the action was already done. i dont think i could forgive an abuser, you know? like i dont think i could get punched in the fucking face and be like oh it was just one time they changed. they did not change at all they just learned to not do that again because the consequences are dire. the action is already done. you were a working brain of a person before you cocked your fist and then you completed the action and NOW you’re sorry? NOW you learned? 

i think he is not a person right now you can currently admire or respect. and like nikki sixx, he gave me alot. like alot of negative experiences whch couldve been much worse that allowed me the opportunity to learn about myself. life is not fair and life couldve been some fucking piece of shit jamming a dick down my throat. and like for the position im in thats actually alot more likely to happen to someone like me so its lucky that i encountered some mentally ill jerk off living with his mother. 

to be fair, i guess hes right - he hasnt BEEN someone to respect or admire. he has sat on his high horse while crying and then running away. and i cannot at any point n the future see myself saying “wow good job you abandoned all your responsibilities to work on yourself.” because again - you abandoned them; they werent taken from you. you took for granted what youve been given and then took advantage of your priviledge to “take a break from it” and that’s just not respectable in the least bit. no matter if you come out of this as jesus fucking christ - if jesus murdered a dude before he was crucified - fuck jesus. 

i feel as the mostly not mentally ill person n ths situation as i look down upon it i see this person running away and realizing how much they took for granted and how poorly they treated me and the love that i actually provided to them. this of course will take weeks, if not months to realize as lonliness sets in and no one is really interested in being friends with someone mentally ill or he encounters similar situations. 

what i feel like right now is that i have a choice. i could gamble upon my gut feeling whch could very well lead to repeating a cycle again; hes “not monogamous”. so even if he were to realize anything at all, it remains tht hes “not monogamous” and i would have to gamble two years worth of hearing that against it suddenly changing (it wont.) 

or i could walk away and commit myself to the knowledge this person is mentally ill, unlikely to get better an caused a large amount of pain in my life so i should not maintain any communication with them because mentally i will always be thinking like.. i dont care. go fuck yourself. and in turn never provide them with anything they are looking for from me. 

because i would also not detriment any future relationships with maintaing contact with him. not because i would be some cheater but because he has proven to make inappropriate and disrespectful comments to other peoples spouses when he has a failed relationship with the person. and i want to respect my future partner enough that they wont have to endure that kind of treatment from someone who thinks they know me on an intimate level. 

i made a comment some weeks ago like i’m not going to walk away, i know you’re ill and unlike other people i’m not going to blame you for it. and he said that that had made him feel good and like he could lessen the anxiety of going away to work on his illness and then tonight he commented that i would probably “fuck off” within a few days of him leaving. 

and then i think about asia o’hara. and how this is my only reference to anyone without parents in any circumstance that is moderately close to my age. and like all these things she does and says - i get it. i know where its coming from. and one of the last few thngs she said on the runway was that she was put on this earth to serve. and you will feel that way when you lose parents or they become ill before they die. you are here to serve an make other peoples lives better. and  feel that. ive felt that. i felt that standing in my fathers living room realizing no one would ever know what this was. if i did not exist my fathers life wouldve been worse. so my existences purpose was to make his better. not to like go out and succeed and be amillionaire and put him in a house. but to serve, to make it my life to make another persons life better and i could expect absolutely nothing at all for it. like my life mightve gotten worse for it. but to this day i am not regretful at all. i couldve went to school and had luxurious jobs and did all the things. i couldve. but instead i stayed home and cared for this stubborn sick man who got up every day for 35 years at 4am to drive a transport truck on winter canadian highways for 14 hours a day. my existence was to see that. i was supposed to see that. i was put on this earth to see my fathers life and to honor that he existed and he worked and he lived and he breathed and people should know this. 

she said, “ive learned that friendships have become extremely important and i treat them like family to me” and thats not wrong. thats another person just like me who is saying because i have no family, the people in my life are going to take a bigger step because i do not have the responsibilites or obligations to distract me from helping the greater good. 

and m so sad. i could scream from teh top of my building how sad i am and cauterwall like a cat in heat. and im hurt. and im so many things.

but this sick man, who is leaving for months, took the time to ave this conversation because i began the threat that what we currently had was going to be over on his return. and we cannot define what this is. but if you believe you will return and i will be adoring and in love and fascinated and interested by all your tales - probably not. and he is saying, “i may never see you again”, “i cant make any commitments to you.” “i cant tell you whats going to happen” and the ease of the relationship has ended, and he is saying “we are broken up, this is not a relationship anymore” but the conversation continues. no.

no.

its not a conversation as i sit silently tears streaming down my face as he rants on and on about things, contradicting himself at every turn. and hes “angry” but hes not angry, and hes upset that he’s worried about me like he’s never been in love before. he’s upset he doesnt want to leave because hes worried about me like hes never been in love before. and it all sounds so .. psychotic. and he hangs up, and i call back and he answers and he doesnt want to do this and he cant do this and hes done everything he possibly can for me. 

i could choose to put myself aside and serve the “greater good” of this person “becoming better”. and by doing this i take full acknowledgement that i could receive absolutely nothing in return. i could be shit on again. i coul watch this person fall in love with someone else (they will) and i have to have the strength to be happy for them because theyve reached “better”. i guess im like.. disappointed in myself that im not better than i thought i was because of my history. like i should be able to accept this opportunity to fulfill my fucking existence but im really ... begrudging my exstence because im still resentful for not getting anthing for my father.

like not like money or anythng but like you get literally nothing. no praise. people literally question whether you should even be applauded for it like it was your job anyways. and thats such a dark side to humanity that you have to remain positive and loyal and “happy” while witnessing all of this and carrying like the burdens this had all created for you. 

and i guess i kind of lost respect but i dont think ram dass would say thats okay because i lost respect for the fact he became worn out by being a caregiver. but only a few people in the world are legitimately care givers. you have to truly have something in your soul in order to endure the care of others. and not everyone has this. this is why we have to like super respect nurses and people like that because they are care givers. we respect mothers because they are primary (usually) care givers. they are always obligated. mom has to be there, period. many women upon giving birth learn the trait of being a care giver. and like many women will live until they give birth being selfish ungiving pieces of shit and then spend the rest of their lives caring for someone else. 

my care giving is an extremely respectable part of my character. if not the most respectable part. but i have lost alot of this trait over the past three years - i never asked my dad for anything in return. like yeah he already ~ gave me things but i never was like hey ill do ths an this for you if you give me 10$. like hes not paying me to do his groceries. hes not paying me to change his bandages. im not asking him to do that either. nor am i trading any service with him - i dont change hs bandage for him to make me lunch. i am just serving him as a care giver and you will not get anything in return and a good and true care giver expects nothing. i am no longer this person. i went kind of backwards  in life and i worry now that maybe ive become sooo jaded that maybe i will never truly be a care giver again.

and of course. of course i dont need to at all give this care to a capable grown ass priviledged man. i absolutely do not. is this even the most deserving person? 

i dont necessarily have to jump to a decision right now because the next three months will dictate it for me but i would love to break the cycle by making a commitment to myself on a decision/action i will take and living with the responsibility of that action because if you choose not to decide you still have made a choice. 

and my gut says no. my depression says yes. my depression is very desperate and i think holds on to things that arent there. my gut says no, dont support ths person. our call ended with, “ill call you in a few days”. to which i feel like - why bother? i cant actually speak about how i feel about anything and ill just have to sit and listen to his stories about whatever the fuck he did. and i dont care. and i cant pretend to care and i cant pretend to be happy for his decision i barely respect. 

i dont wan tto spend my summer looking forward to his calls, you know? i just want to let it go and have my mourning period and move on. 

and maybe its shitty of me but i hope he feels guilty and i hope its hard for him. i do. because thats the result of a decision that cant be respected. and thats how you should feel when you go through with it. because honestly? none of this is real and its a projection of the fear of losing me. if it doesnt matter we wouldnt have had the conversation. 

and yes, the moment he sleeps with someone else this will all be over for me. and thats the result of being involved with someone who is monogamous. thats a choice he made and will probably make and when youre a hundred miles away, i never have to care about you or choose to see you again. like even with my oshawa ex i fet like i hope he feels like shit. not because i want to be with him but beause he deserves to feel that way. it doesnt even benefit me. you just deserve it. 

i do not regret not spending another night with a mentally ill person. i wish i couldve spent the last night with a person i loved but it wasnt able to happen. 

he told me i should “take this as a wake up call” to have “more than him” in my life nd i dont believe at all thats what it is. its a wake up call to learn how to take care of myself - n all ways. like no one else can or will or should fulfill anything in my life, i should fulfill everything that i need. so that i make a choice as to who to be around. i will have to live more frugally and learn how to moderate my pleasures. 

i am disappointed that again i feel like if i do talk to him that i will begin to lie because i want to be left alone. i do not want to be told what to do or that what im doing isnt enough. i jsut want to tell him what he wants to hear. like i want to tell him that ive gotten a job but the job is on a farm. i want to say that like im already doing what he said he wanted to do. and like i want to be fulfilled with myself so that when i lie and say that this farm is owned by some family who treated me kindly and i felt ths and this its just a personification of my self improvement. llike im half way into it anyways - i lie about a therapist to justify things i already fucking know but no one listens to me so i hve to make up ths story to make it sound like it didnt come from me and now its respectable. 

so fine. ill ‘see a therapist’ and ‘go to work’. but again, i’m not really going to talk in detail about these things. and if he asks  i would just tell him that its just something im doing and im not interested in talking about it. that it doesnt define me or anything in my life at all. it gives me an ongoing excuse to turn down phone calls or texts when im not prepared to answer them at that time as well. remaining silent is just not good enough. 

ive been a very honest person in my life and i think its time for me to be selfish in order to et myself to the next step and it sounds really stupid to be dishonest to better myself and attempt to regain my care giving traits nd maybe itll all blow up in my face and ill learn a new lesson but for now this is how im going to sleep. i will tell him its my therapists advice not to talk to him about these things until weve established a mutually respectful way of communicating and if we dont it doesnt matter what i did or did not tell him because it literally doesnt matter. if he is capable of maintaining his own interest in my life then maybe ill open up more - he can either work towards that to be a mature, respectful human begin or disregard it and any sort of relationship between us. of course, the position is just a summer job, giving me an out if ths somehow lasts the summer. 

tomorrow i have to go through excruciating pain - again for my fucking cyst and i have contract testing at some point and i really want to do these things on my own and grab my last weed for like a week and just exist. not for a week. id like to wake up and do shit on friday too. and i know so hard that depression will be the firs tthing i feel when i wake up. and as the days go on its going be even harder and sadder but i just have to figure it out an get myself through it. 

[3inghao]

HI CRUSH ANON HERE AND I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT FEEL EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN MY LOVE LIFE I LOVE YALL HAHHAHHA I DIDNT EXPECT FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN :'))))) at the same time tho i feel like things might have to be put on hold for a while i dont know !!!! ok sorry sorry ill explain so ,, ive figured out that im like really really into this boy. in a way thats probably not the best for me right now, esp bc ive got a lot of things to juggle right now (1/17)

but also bc ive been thinking and like ,, ok so this story might put things more into perspective. so its like monday and i get a text from him thats just like ‘hey what are the rest of your classes for today/do you have like 15 min or something to be in a shoot of mine before it gets dark’ and im like PANICKIN bc ofc hes asked some of us to be models for his photography hw before and its always super casual BUT this is the first time that IVE ever been asked specifically (2/17)

and so obviously i jump at this offer and im like ‘umm i dont have any more classes today so sure just lmk when and what to do :) also whats the shoot about?’ and hes like ‘ok cool we can meet at your room at like 5:15 and ill tell you about the shoot when we meet up :)’ and he wanted us to go to this reaaaaally pretty park at sunset and do the shoot around that time and i was like ‘ok do u want me to wear anything specific’ and he was like ‘nothing in particular :)’ (3/17)

and so i start getting ready and im nervous af bc it meant spending more time alone with him and i felt so unprepared for that LMAO but yeah so he comes up to our room and i open the door and my heart skips a fucking BEAT and i almost slam the door in his face but i force myself not to aha and so we go and hes like ‘ugh im so tired i want coffee lets get coffee’ and so we went into the starbucks around the corner but then i was like yo will we make it to the park in time (4/17)

and hes like ‘o shit yeah’ so we leave without getting coffee rip but yeah we go to the city park and oh my gskldgskd it is so fucking pretty its right before sunset so everything is golden and the sky is rainbow but you can already see the moon and holy one of the prettiest views i think i have EVER seen !!!!! and then he explains to me what the project is finally and hes like so its an experimental photo set thats supposed to represent all the things we left behind in modern society (5/17)  

and so for me he said he wanted me to pose in the city park at sunset sitting on a bench with my hands cupped like i was holding a heart (hes going to photoshop the heart in later when hes editing the pics) and then like leave it behind on the bench and look at the sunset behind me which is supposed to represent and i quote “leaving love behind in the pursuit of beauty” and i literally was like 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 the whole time LMAOOOOOOO (6/17)

but yeah so we did that in like 15 min but after we were done i legit didnt want to leave bc (i wanted to spend more time with him but also) IT WAS SO FUCKING PRETTY SKDHJDFH and ahhhh i like looked over at him and he looked sooo at peace just like looking out over the water and the sunset and the scenery was so beautiful i almost blurted out hi i think ur beautiful but i stopped myself in the nick of time thank god LOOOOOL (7/17)  

but he like made eye contact with me and i like held myself together but there was a moment where i felt like djdhskjdkd idk how to describe it i was kfskshdhdjdh idk it could be just my imagination but I FELT LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE AHHHHHHHH and i was so tempted to ask him about the hand holding on saturday but i didnt i held myself back again thank god lol and then all of a sudden he goes ‘hey do u want pics’ and im like wot (8/17)

and hes like ‘do u want some pics of urself? like we r already here so !! plus i want some photos to put on my photography insta’ and i was like sljkddjkd ok why the hell not so he directs me into different poses and stuff like that and after the sun sets we finish and then we r walking back bored af so we start wandering around the little shops nearby and then we finally get home and then our friend texts the group chat like ‘hey anyone want dinner now’ (9/17)

and we were already really close to a dining hall so the two of us went and got dinner and our friend just joined us later and then during dinner when it was just the two of us we started talking about me losing the bet of when our friends were gonna hook up and so i have to treat him to japanese bbq and we were talking about when and hes like ‘well theres nothing im gonna celebrate for a while except my best friend from home is coming bc her sisters getting married here” (10/17)

and i was like ‘omg thats great ??? congrats to her !!!! omg’ but idk this is where it gets kind of confusing bc idk we were talking about maybe going this weekend but his best friend was coming and he was planning on spending all his time with her but i think he said that we could go get japanese bbq with her too ?? and i think i said ok but i dont think we locked down any like specific date and time at all ??? this part is a lil confusing to me (11/17)

so anyways that happened and i havent really interacted with him after that whole thing like we still have a streak on snapchat lol but he will do this thing where he wont open or respond to my snapchats for like literal hours ,,, even though i know hes ON snapchat bc he will like watch my stories ??? like w o t ???? i dont think hes doing it on purpose if that makes sense ?? but its still annoying and borderline infuriating and sldkghsldkgh (12/17)

and also like ok ,, his best friend came like yesterday and i saw her on his snapchat story and h o l y g o d she is the most beautiful girl on all of fucking planet earth i shit u not like i actually !!!! screamed when i saw her shes so fucking gorgeous and on his story theres a bunch of snaps of the wedding etc and a pic of him and her in a photobooth and sldkgsldkghs holy ???? i dont know how to put this into words but they are p e r f e c t for each other (13/17)

like in every way possible they are literally best friends and shes an actual goddess and together they look sooooo aesthetically pleasing it is legitimately intimidating and ahhh sldkgldgkh so the thing is !!!!! i already have practically no self esteem left ,, and a dinner with like HER and THEM will probably d e s t r o y m e from the inside out i will literally just feel inferior in every single way possible and i have NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS UGH !!!!!! (14/17)  

but yeah that kinda just made me realize that i might need to take a couple steps back ??? from this entire thing and him in general ,, and also that before anything happens i really want to work on me first like obv x has got his shit together and theres that whole thing with his best friend and idk !!! i like have pledged to go to the gym way more and get my fucked up sleep schedule back to some resemblance of normal and f o c u s on my academics and skincare and eating more healthy !! (15/17)

like i wanna be a person that everyone can look at and be like yes !! u go girl shes got her shit together and yeah !!!! aha :’) and also i need to COOL IT with my feelings about x like as amazing as he is and as fun as it is to spend time with him and as much as i want to pursue everything about this relationship i dont think im in a place mentally and emotionally where i can handle that so !!!!!! for now im gonna (try to) just distance myself a lil (16/17)

and yeah !! if he asks to go out for japanese bbq tonight/tomorrow i think im just gonna be like ‘ahh i wish i could but im super swamped with work rn sorry :(((‘ (which is 100000% true) and just leave it at that *deep sigh* anyways thats where i am at this point thanks for tuning in yall aha :’) i just need to not be hurt in this relationship and distancing myself for now is the only way i know how to prevent that ,, and i probably wont be that successful but !!! heres to trying :) (17/17)

awwwwwwwww crush anon BUT THE SUNSET DATE (yes im calling it a date) does his best friend go to the same college as you guys?? bc if he’s single and she doesn’t live anywhere near him there probably really isn’t anything between them that you need to worry about. I def support the focusing on yourself bc the more confidence you have in yourself the less insecure you will be once you actually get into a relationship so go you!! my gf and i are actually starting to facetime each other and work out together too so all of us can struggle in that tryin to be healthier lyfe! i think in one of the other asks you mention more happened? but i also think that maybe a bbq date with him wouldn’t be bad? and i think you should try to have it with just him and no one else! idk fill me in on any new developments :0