#hey can we talk about the fact that the greyscale arc is only 3 episodes long. it feels like 20 years.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

thought about prjme defenders greyscale arc for longer than 30 seconds

[loavesofoaves]

GOT: Episode 7 x 03 Review

You know, for a season that D & D have been hyping as “nonstop action,” I’m rather bored. Just because the pacing is fast does not mean anything of actual substance is happening. Episode 3 proves that.

The episode opens with Jon and Daenerys meeting for the first time; a meeting that has been hyped since the show began. And it was remarkably underwhelming. As to be expected, Deadpan Targaryen is only concerned with the throne, and Jon tries to tell her that they have bigger fish to fry and that winning the throne will be for nought if the White Walkers invade Westeros. They have a back and forth on what’s more important: Jon bending the knee or the fight to the North, which goes nowhere after 20 minutes. But hey, we got some memeworthy Daenerys reading off all her titles and Papa Davos saying “This is Jon Snow” so LOL. (BTW, is Davos even a character anymore? I feel like he exists solely to be a straw man and fatherly mansplainer.) Also, why is Jon’s resurrection a secret now? You’d think with this show logic even Hot Pie would know about that.

 The thing is, I really want to sympathize with these characters. If Emilia Clarke didn’t play Daenerys as so god damn deadpan, she almost would’ve had a nice speech about how she is not going to back down after all she’s been through. I’m shocked that they acknowledged that Drogo raped her when it turned into TRUE LUB on the show. And if there are bigger fish to fry, then why doesn’t Jon doesn’t bend the knee, especially considering Winterfell isn’t even his god damn birthright anyways?

 But dramatically satisfyingTM, amirite?

 There are also a few scenes at Dragonstone that reflect the sad truth that GOT has become a parody of itself. Jon stands brooding on a ledge and Tyrion gives him shade for it. Tyrion tries to outsass and mansplain things to Daenerys and she calls him out for making shit up and pretending it’s the most sage advice ever. I honestly can’t tell you what any of them talked about other than mining Dragonglass, that’s how boring those scenes were.

Remember when these characters actually had development, guys? What sweet summer children we were.

Speaking of ruined character development, we see Euron parading Yara and the Sand Fakes around a cheering King’s Landing. Because no one cares that Cersei blew hundreds of people up and it was totally an accident? MMkay. Euron brings Ellaria and Tyene as a gift to Cersei and then asks Jaime if she likes being butt-fingered, I shit you not.

Cersei locks up Ellaria and Tyene and basically kills Tyene the same way Myrcella was killed by kissing her with poisoned lips. Yet another example of characters somehow finding out exactly what happened offscreen because it is convenient. The scene is also an example of Lena Headey and Indira Varma blowing it out of the park despite lazy writing. These actors are too good for the material they were given to work with, and it shows. It’s hilarious how many roles D & D have “reconceived to suit their actor’s talents” that actually ended up being less dramatic and meaty than they would’ve been had they followed the source material. But it looks like we’re done with Dorne for good at least.

Next we see Cersei giving Jaime a blowjob because they are just in true love, guys. And then they end up doing the do and I believe Lena’s body double is back. I just don’t understand why D & D are trying to push the twincest on us, but god damn. How little regard they have for Jaime’s character arc is astounding.

 Cersei also has a conversation with Tycho Nestoris from the Iron Bank in which she demands money because Dany will free all of the Iron Bank’s slaves....even though Braavos doesn’t permit slavery?

Just counting down the days until Confederate is cancelled, good grief.

I will say it was surprising to see a scene that was attempting to establish some sort of logistics even though it failed miserably.

Back in Winterhell, Sansa is a boss ass bitch and tells everyone what to do as if they are not experienced lords. This totally would’ve been earned if D & D had actually followed Sansa’s political plotline from the books, but I guess rape powers make you a leader. Littlefinger, who is officially the most pointless character on the show at this point, takes Sansa aside to give her a nonsensical speech thats only purpose was to fill the season 7 trailer. He is interrupted, however, by the return of Bran. But unlike the genuinely heartwarming reunion that was with Jon and Sansa, Bran is now a robot because the three-eyed raven must have no emotion for some reason. Sansa, of course, has no idea what Bran is talking about, so Bran decides the best way to demonstrate his powers is to remind Sansa of being raped and tell her how beautiful she was when it happened.

I screamed “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK” at my TV.

D & D are seriously messed up. They aren’t just incompetent, they are fucked up.

There are just so many things wrong with this. One, we did not see Bran’s transformation into this robot, so we can’t just accept this drastic change without reason. As of last season, Bran still seemed human. Of course, the deaths of Hodor and Summer were tragic, but Bran doesn’t even bring them up as a reason for his detachment. So this sudden character change just comes out of nowhere. And even so, the fact that D & D gleefully like to trigger Sansa and the audience like this by bringing up rape for no reason just shows how juvenile they are.

And Bran. Well, they’ve never been invested in his character development since Season 2, so at this point it’s easy to just call him a plot device and not try to explain anything.

Well, RIP book Bran. Book Jaime’s holding a seat for you.

Oh, and there’s also a scene showing that Jorah is OK and basically all you needed to do to cure Greyscale was peel it off, because of course it would be that easy. Jorah decides to go stalk KHALEESI, Sam experiences the very real task of being an unpaid intern who doesn’t get credit for anything, and that plotline went nowhere and served no purpose! But someone needed to get greyscale because….?

Oh, and there’s a pointless Theon scene just to show he survived.

I am literally trying to remember what else happened this episode, but it was so boring that my mind is blanking….oh yeah! There were some fights somewhere. Grey Worm and the unsullied storm Casterly Rock, and Tyrion narrates how they’ll go in through his hoe-door because he is oh-so-clever, but oops! They get bamboozled by Euron Greyjoy. It turns out most of the Lannister forces were actually marching on Highgarden and take it offscreen because gay people obviously don’t know how to fight.

I have to laugh at Benioff’s ignorant-ass comments in the “Behind the Episode” sequence. Like, bitch, do you remember who won the battle of Blackwater? So much blatant homophobia in assuming a house that has an openly gay character has a shit army when the whole point of season 2 was showing that the Lannisters needed their army? HOW did GRRM decide these guys were the best choice to adapt the show again?

Anyways, Jaime confronts a defeated Olenna. Olenna, who is just too damn good for this show, agrees to drink poison as her execution, and then reveals to Jaime she was behind Joffrey’s death. She has the same thing on her mind as the audience: Why the fuck is Jaime still with Cersei? A woman who’s committed the atrocities the Mad King threatened to do? Jaime retorts with some bullshit and leaves Olenna to die, but she’s the real winner here, escaping this shitty writing and absolute bullshit. Oh, and she calls Joffrey a cunt because swearing is cool (I know, I am guilty of being a potty mouth, but that’s not out of character for me).

Oh! And I just remembered that Varys and Melisandre have a conversation. It wasn’t a bad conversation, and it wasn’t even out of character, but I was so outraged by all of the things happened this episode that acceptable scenes fell through the cracks.

I am just stunned that even shownlies could watch this crap and think it’s anything more than shock value entertainment. The writing just keeps on getting lazier and lazier, and it didn’t even pay off with anything of real excitement or value. Even the fanservice is lackluster. I am actually dreading Season 8 at this point. It is so obvious D & D just want to be done and they don’t care about logic as long as they can get from point A to point B.

If anything, the show has made me appreciate the books more, so I guess that’s one positive that’s come from this.