#hes so strong but in the face of xl's rejection. hes so weak

[illuminatedferret]

thinking about hua cheng in the cave of 10,000 gods, asking xie lian not to tell him what he thinks of hua cheng's feelings

thinking about hua cheng, this brave, courageous man, who lived when he wanted to die because his beloved god asked him to, who endured both witnessing xie lian's desecration (the worst suffering in the world) AND being torn apart by resentful spirits, who survived 10 years in mount tonglu and came out on top, who has lived 800 years dominating the world all in hopes of achieving his goals, unashamedly forging his own path...

...asking Xie Lian not to speak. because he can brave facing anything in the world except his beloved's rejection.

[hualianff]

《I》

Hearing this, XL pulls back to look at HC. He wipes at his tear-stained face, briefly thinking he must look a pathetic sight. 

“You- you haven’t?” XL timidly asks. HC shakes his head, lips pursed as if he wants to say something but isn’t sure how.

An icky feeling of satisfaction bubbles in XL’s tummy. Before HC can respond, XL immediately straightens up as a realization hits him. A fresh wave of tears floods down his cheeks. 

“I-I’m sorry, San Lang. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on you earlier…” XL mutters shamefully, his voice cracking a little. He shifts his gaze downward, unable to meet HC’s eye. “I know your love life is none of my business.” 

HC sharply inhales at that. XL feels even guiltier knowing he’s offended HC.

“That’s not- wait-” HC begins.

XL makes a move to leave HC’s lap, except a pair of strong arms anchor him down. HC hugs him close, making it clear he’s not letting XL go. XL obediently melts into HC’s body. He’s always been weak for HC’s hugs. They make him feel unbelievably warm and safe.

“Oh, Gege, you really have no idea, do you?” HC whispers sadly. He lifts a hand to cup XL’s cheek, tilting the other’s head up to look at him properly. XL’s face scrunches up as he begins to cry again, soft sobs escaping his quivering lips.

“I’m sorry…”

“Hey, look at me,” HC demands, firmly but not unkindly. He almost regrets his choice of words when XL complies, looking at him with teary eyes that resemble a kicked puppy. HC carefully thumbs away his tears. “Gege shouldn’t cry over things that don’t deserve his time. Even if it’s me.”

XL sobs so hard he hiccups.

“I-I’m s-sorry-“

“A-lian. No more. No more apologizing,” HC pleads, pressing a kiss to XL’s nose. “It’s you, my love. It’s always been you.”

XL makes a confused noise. He must have heard wrong because HC certainly couldn’t be implying that XL is the one he loves.

“W-what?”

HC smiles comfortingly, one eye shining with unyielding affection. He wraps his arm around XL’s shoulder, pressing their bodies impossibly close, providing XL the physical contact he desperately needs.

“I’ve loved you for so long. I don’t even remember what it’s like to not be in love with you,” HC murmurs, voice laced with restrained emotion. XL gasps at the confession–a confession meant for him. Has he been the one this entire time?

Somehow, in the back of XL’s mind, it makes sense.

“You- you love me?” XL chokes out, wondering if he heard correctly. He unconsciously grips a section of HC’s shirt, wanting to keep as little space between them as possible. 

“Hn.”

“For years?”

“Hn.”

XL nuzzles against HC’s neck, breathing in his minty scent. His sobs have reduced to shuddery breaths, now struggling to breathe for a whole different reason.

“…you called me A-Lian,” XL grumbles out half-heartedly. 

Without missing a beat, HC asks, “Hmm, do you not like it?”

“I love it,” XL answers, the rush of euphoria seeping into his veins. It must be because he’s coddled right up to HC. After all, HC is the one who makes him the happiest. “And…I love you. It’s been a long time for me too.”

HC smiles against XL’s temple. 

“I’m glad Gege feels the same. As you heard earlier, I had my doubts. You’re so good, A-lian. Don’t you know? You’re like a precious ray of sunshine that everybody naturally gravitates to and you connect with them. You treat them with compassion. You uplift them. You fight for them and protect them.”

XL’s eyes widen at the sheer passion of HC’s words. He wonders if HC is using the word “them” to refer to HC himself.

“Your impact on people’s lives is invaluable. You are simply amazing. Anybody would be lucky to have you by their side,” HC continues.

“San Lang…” XL says though he’s at a total loss for words.

“I always selfishly wished for you to love me the same way I loved you. But I was afraid your affections towards someone like me were merely platonic. He Xuan told me to suck it up though, said it would make your birthday if I confessed,” HC says. He runs his fingers through XL’s hair again, pushing away the strands that stick to his damp face.

HC frowns.

“But I made you cry instead,” he says regretfully.

“I thought…” XL starts but cuts himself off. It’s a little embarrassing to admit how worked up–how jealous–he got over the possibility of HC loving another. 

“You thought I would confess my feelings to someone else on your birthday? At your birthday party?” HC finishes XL’s thought, clicking his tongue in disapproval.

“Kind of.”

HC scoffs.

“Maybe.”

“Gege.”

“Well, yes-“

HC grasps the sides of XL’s face in his hands, connecting their foreheads as he speaks with disdain.

“If I had done that, you’d have every right to beat my ass and sever all contact with me. You hear me? That’s an asshole move and completely unacceptable.”

An hour ago, this scenario made XL’s stomach churn in a nasty way almost to the point of puking. He doesn’t know what he would have done if HC had slipped through his fingers. Even if this had occurred on his birthday, XL doesn’t think he could have cut HC out of his life. XL can live without HC’s love, but not without HC himself.

But now, with the confirmation that HC actually reciprocates his feelings, XL feels as light as a feather, his heart no longer clouded by the fear of rejection. 

“I know. But I can never stay mad at you. You always treat me well. Even when I am upset, you make everything better. Just by being you. You're my favorite person to be around and...I’m just so glad you love me,” XL says, his eyes crinkling as he smiles.

“What, like it’s difficult?” HC laughs, rubbing their noses together. “Loving you is as easy as breathing. Loving you itself is like a breath of fresh air. I live to love you, gege. Best decision of my life.”

For the third time that day, XL’s eyes tear up, his heart overjoyed. A few memories flit through his head: him and HC going out for coffee, going on road trips together, taking long walks in this very park. Mundane memories where they did so little, yet HC made him feel so much. 

“All this time?” XL whispers. 

“Yes,” HC whispers back. “All this time and forever on, I am yours.”

As XL leans forward to peck his beloved’s cheek (“Gege, you missed.”), he internally muses that his birthday wish came true. 

Three years later, HC makes XL cry on his birthday again–this time by getting down on one knee with a ring pledging their eternity.