#hes a sleeper agent for the entire french language

[jinxedpanda4life]

Criminal Investigator AU HC

I would first like to start off by saying thank you to everyone. 

I honestly did not expect the response I got to my Damirae Hospital AU HC list. 

When I first woke up and checked tumblr ~13 hours after posting I had a holy shit moment. 

I felt powerful, should I? Probably not. 

But! Since I am noticing a lack of AUs in the fandom, whether on Tumblr, AO3 or FanFiction.net, whatever AU comes to my mind I shall jot down some hcs for! 

Thank you all once again!

(Also trying format changes for easy reading)

(Also Also, I am thinking the story is less fluid but more episodic)

Let’s get started:

- So I’m thinking this is some FBI, SVU, and FBI BAU mixture or whatever. Basically all the great shows we know in love shoved together. From Bones to Criminal Minds and everything in between.

- Special Agent (Dr.) Raven Roth is a lead interrogator and is the resident psych consult. 

She’s been educated in interrogation, behavioral science, psychology, forensic pathology, and criminology. 

She has combat training (hand to hand), she carries (for her job) a gun and at all times has a knife/dagger on her person (people have stopped trying to figure out where she keeps them). 

Her father was/is crime boss T. Trigon who is currently imprisoned. 

Was born in the states but fled with her mother to Romania when she was a newborn.

When Trigon found them he killed Arella and took Raven, she was abut 9 - 10 years old.

She took her mother’s last name when she turned 18. 

Knows two languages besides English; French, Romanian, Romani (various dialects but knows multiple), Greek and Latin

On more than one occasion some goon of her father’s tries to recruit her, every time she kicks their ass. (Damian was there for the most recent (he was still green though))

Lives by herself in a decent sized apartment, has a gun safe (gun safety is important!), a cat (Nevermore), and is a regular at a 24/7 bookstore &/ cafe

Can usually be found wearing some kind of jacket, sweater, cardigan

She once helped save some kids (Melvin, Tommy & Teether) and is now their surrogate aunt, she has photos of them at her desk @ work. (Damian assumes/ed that they were her kids)

She also, when she can, hangs out and babysits them on occasion.

Raven is part of a team consisting of Dick Grayson (unit leader), Kori Anders, Garfield Logan, Jaime Reyes, and very recently Damian Wayne 

- Special Agent Damian Wayne is a lead investigator (he is still a bit fresh to the unit), translator, sniper and combat coordinator

He’s been educated in martial arts, explosives, hand to hand combat, close range combat, and combat (basically he knows how to kill you 9 ways to Sunday), also, behavioral science, computer science, criminology, linguistics and language. 

He can easily translate (into English): Arabic, Mandarin Chinese, Russian, Hindi, Bengali, French, Polish, German, Spanish, Portuguese, he can also learn any language you put in front of him and know the basics within a day

(Having lived in many places around the world he needed to be able to speak and understand in order to survive) (wow dramatic much?)

His father is currently the director (or deputy director, whatever floats ya boat) of the FBI.

His mother was essentially a secret agent who worked for various agencies around the globe. (deceased)

His grandfather was the leader of a, um, well to be honest, terrorist agency. (deceased)

Was sent to live with his father when he was 15 (when his mother died) and has been in the states ever since

Lives alone, he has an upscale apartment that he truthfully spends little time in, has multiple locations in the home where various weapons are stored, his place has a very cold atmosphere

Is either in proper work attire or in work out clothing, there is no in between

Tries and fails not to take work home with him

He sees a therapist (who says he should probably try investing in relationships with the people at his job)

His only “friend” (he hates calling him that, more like close acquaintance) is Jonathan Kent who was in his class at the FBI Academy, Jon works in a white collar crime department in Metropolis

The only person he actually kind of sort of doesn’t dislike is in fact Raven Roth, she’s a no bull shit person, he likes that

He may know Grayson because of how he’s Bruce’s kind of son but it does not mean he likes him

He finds Logan annoying as all hell, even if he is somewhat useful

He picked a fight with Reyes first day and regretted it (he will never admit that), he respects him

Anders is overly friendly in his opinion, kind of acts like a secretary with all that positivity and grates his nerves, he tolerates her

(Unlike last time I am not going in detail about the rest of the team, this will be brief)

- Supervisory Special Agent Dick Grayson (Unit Chief) is basically Dick Grayson with a big fancy title but all the same skills

He is also obsessed with Slade Wilson and Red X (who is Jason in this)

- Supervisory Special Agent Kori Anders is a lead investigator and is also a go to for undercover work

- Special Agent Garfield Logan is a lead interrogator, is head of the unit’s K-9 unit and kind of has a thing for Roth (which she does not reciprocate) 

- Special Agent Jaime Reyes is a tactical analyst, tech analyst and is head of the unit’s SWAT team, he does not do well with talking with people, or change

The Scarab is a computing program that Jaime created himself

STORY START:

- When Damian first joins the team there is another member, Special Agent Terra Markov, she is revealed as a sleeper agent but she aligns herself with the team and sadly is shot and killed in a fire fight

- A couple weeks after Agent Markov’s death everyone is talking about what they are doing for an upcoming holiday, Damian says probably nothing, Raven invites him to spend it with her and her “niece” and “nephews,” he declines

- About a day after the holiday Damian is home looking through case files when someone knocks on his door

-- It is Raven. He asks how she knew where he lived, she says she asked Dick, she also says that she knows how it feels to be alone and that he may be insufferable but it doesn’t mean he can’t have a friend

-- His response is saying he isn’t the kind to make friends with co workers

-- “I’m not asking to be your friend Damian, I am asking you to be his,” She reveals a small black great dane puppy “I know that other people aren’t really your thing, but having someone in your corner and waiting for you is always nice, even if it isn’t human.”

-- Damian invites her in, names the dog Titus and thanks her

-- “Just make sure no one tries to kidnap and kill you, we don’t need you to go full blown John Wick.” Damian has no idea who that is. Raven tells him it is an action movie series that he should watch. She leaves. He does watch them that night with Titus on his lap. (after having gone to the local pet supply store to get everything he needs) The action is inaccurate but he enjoyed the movies none the less, and decides that he probably would go into John Wick mode if someone hurt Titus.

- SA Roth and SA Wayne are sent to a high security federal prison to interrogate a prisoner, who refuses to speak

-- When they get into the interview room the prisoner does start to speak, but not in English and not in a language Damian is fluent in

-- Raven on the other hand immediately responds to the prisoner (shocking the prisoner and Damian) “He is speaking Romani though not the dialect of those overseas, he learned it here.” 

-- Damian is fascinated by it and they are essentially switching roles the entire time

-- They leave having successfully interviewing the prisoner, and Raven leaves behind a written list of common words in Romani so that they can possibly communicate with the prisoner better

-- As soon as they are on the plane back Damian asks her a myriad of questions from “How many languages do you know?” to “When did you learn that?” and even “Are you a spy? Sleeper agent? Part of a terrorist cell?”

-- “Not as many as you, when I was a child, if I was part of any of that you wouldn’t be asking.” The rest of the trip is spent with her teaching him Romani and even some Romanian

- Dick & Kori eventually get together and after a while they break up. Kori takes some vacation time. At the same Dick has been temporarily reassigned to another unit.

-- Chaos ensues

-- Garfield thinks he should be the interim unit chief, Jaime thinks the same, as does, you guessed it, Damian (Raven doesn’t want to she is comfortable with her role on the team)

-- In the end they are assigned an interim unit chief, SSA Jason Todd, who usually works overseas on covert op missions (not gonna lie this could easily flow into a Jayrae thing)

-- Everyone kind of falls into line, except Damian, Damian doesn’t like him for two reasons

1) He doesn’t act serious about the job 24/7

2) He has been flirting and hitting on Raven the moment he stepped into their sector 

-- Damian hates the names he gives her; “Little Bird,” “Sunshine,” “Princess,” “Rae,” (no one calls her Rae, not even Garfield, at least not after the incident) etc.

-- (Little does Damian know, Jason and Raven have worked together before and are actually friends)

-- This all comes to a head when Damian and Jason are the only ones still in the office after a tiring case.

          “You shouldn’t do that you know.”

           “Do what? All I am doing right now is contemplating where Grayson                    keeps the liquor.”

           “Call Raven all those names, she doesn’t like it.”

           “Really? Because if you haven’t noticed she hasn’t exactly asked me to                stop.”

           “She gets uncomfortable, maybe not to the extent of asking you to stop,              but she tenses up and her body language becomes slightly more                        agitated.”

          “You seem to pay a lot of attention in how she reacts to thinks baby brat.             Seems to me that you like her.”

           “Of course I like her, she is a good friend and reliable teammate.”

           “No, you like like her.”

           “That presumption is juvenile.”

           “But you don’t deny it.”

           “Tch.”

-- If anything after that conversation Jason seems to doubled his advances. Which confuses both Damian and Raven. Damian because it is inappropriate and HR will be hearing about this. Raven because she was under the assumption that she and Jason were just friends. (Jason actually does have genuine intentions but is like 60% just egging Damian on)

-- Eventually (far too long for Damian’s tastes), both Dick and Kori return. At first it is sooooooo awkward. Like mom and dad divorced have shared custody but don’t hate each other but also cannot look each other in the eye. ((Was that a mouthful? Good)) No one can really look at each other the same? Though they do have a meeting to sort it out, get everything out in the open.

- Raven’s annual kidnapping/attempt to convert her/torture comes almost exactly one year after Damian joined the team (this is his 2nd time dealing with this)

-- This time Damian is prepared. By prepared I mean Raven doesn’t even leave her apartment before she is taken to safety. 

    “Damian what is going on?”

    “Christmas came early this year that’s what.”

    “Christmas? What in gods name are you talking about.”

    “God has no dealings in this matter.”

    “You do realize you are sounding like a bad action movie? It is not even 6 am and I am in your car going somewhere, I have had little to no sleep and I am barely dressed. What is going on?” Damian hadn’t payed attention to what clothing Raven was wearing. His mind was on one goal. Find Raven, keep Raven safe. His eyes glanced off the road enough to realize she was indeed not properly dressed. Her body was merely adorned with an oversized tee-shirt, tiny barely there shorts and a pair of fluffy socks.

    “I apologize, it appears in my haste I did not leave you time to properly clothe yourself. As to why you are here, it seems your father and his people have shortened their waiting time this year from one year to a little more than ten months.” Ravens hands fisted her shirt. “This time I was prepared,” last time he was still new to everything, last time he made mistakes, this time there will be no mistakes. “Since our last encounter with your demon, so to speak, I have been setting in place precautions and safety measures to ensure Nevermore and yours’ safety. I have also been tracking the movements of his big players. If any came close I would mark it down. Multiple are entering the city at this moment. Seeing as you we taken last time I have made plans to ensure that will not happen again.” The car made a snap turn down an unfamiliar street pulling Raven from her clouded gaze.

    “So I am going to be okay this time?” Her voice was faint and restraining against hope.

    “You’re going to be okay.” His hand lightly held hers. Only to stop the shaking, they told themselves, only to make everything better. “Nevermore is with Titus at my place being watched by a friend of mine. I have already walked Grayson through everything we will not be expected at work this week, but we can work remotely.”

     “We?”

     “I’m not going to leave you. Ever.”

-- ((Sorry for the blocks of text))

-- As Raven finds out they are at one of Damian’s safe houses. The one least likely to be tied to her. It is fully stocked with food, has security cameras and if needed weapons. The only problem is that the only clothes there are Damians.

    “Thought of everything huh?”

     “I was following their pattern, I expected to have more time to acquire clothing for you.” (he was looking away and blushing, you cannot tell me he wasn’t)

-- Raven just resigns herself to wearing Damian’s clothes, yes his brain does stop working for a hot second when he sees her in only his clothes.

-- All attempts to try and retrieve codename: Gem of Scath are foiled (like some good math)

-- So many bonding moments happen. Cuddling (pure accident *rolls eyes*), eating together, inside jokes, etc. At one point Damian answers her phone (he disabled and disconnected the tracer) to one of the mob guys after them.

    “Hello?”

     “You can hide the gem but we will find her.”

     “I’m sorry, is there a jewel you are looking for? I don’t think I have and any jewels that I am coveting.”

     “We know you are with her! It is but a matter of time until we collect her.”

     “I hope you do eventually find whatever you are looking for sir, but I haven’t the slightest idea the gem you speak of. If you could give me a physical description? Is it a ruby, diamond, onyx? Is it round or more of a pear shape?”

    “...”

    “Well, I will look for it here, but I do not believe I possess what you speak of. Will you give me your number so I can call you back?” (The line cuts dead, and Raven can be seen laughing in the background, the phone was on speaker)

-- Once the team tracks down, arrests and interrogates all of the parties working for Trigon; Raven and Nevermore can go home. Though both are reluctant in their own way. Nevermore has grown attached to Titus, and Raven well Raven has feelings. Sadly, as Raven knows, feelings are dangerous to have in their line of work. 

-- Look at Dick and Kori they were together and then they fell apart and the team almost imploded.

-- What about Trigon if he finds out about Damian and how she feels towards him? What kind of danger will he be in then?

-- Like all of her feelings Raven puts them in a box and locks the box away. Not just figuratively, in her safe there is a box with: post its, torn papers, journals, etc. That box has a lock on it. Whenever she has a new feeling that she cannot ignore, like her feelings towards Special Agent Wayne, she takes out the box and writes her feelings down. They can range from a single sentence to pages worth. (Her feelings towards Damian fill a small notebook she has on hand). Once she has written all of her feelings out she places them in the box, locks said box and then places the locked box in her safe, which she then locks.

-- Is this a healthy way to cope with her feelings? Maybe not. But, it is way better than how Damian deals with his. Violence. Also art but violence comes first.

- At this point both Damian and Raven have caught the feelings (highly contagious I hear), which makes this a little awkward and a little not awkward. For one everyone but Raven knows how Damian feels towards her. He does things for her and with her that no one else gets the privilege to.

-- To list a few:

--- He brings her tea whenever he gets himself coffee or tea

--- He talks to her about what he does outside of work, even about his kind of friend definitely not enemy, Jon.

--- They socialize outside of work. Watching bad movies (some of them are not that bad), going to the park with Titus (they once got Nevermore in a leash and walked her), meeting each other before and after work to get breakfast or dinner.

--- He doesn’t glare at her

--- He allows physical contact between the two

--- He worries about her (hello he created an entire plan so that she wouldn’t get kidnapped, with contingencies and everything, garfield would be lucky to get a plan)

--- His eyes light up when she talks, or enters a room, or you know exists in his vicinity

--- He actually smiles around her (Dick caught him smiling once at Raven and he though Damian was having a stroke)

-- Even though everyone knows Damian likes Raven, very few know that Raven likes Damian back. (this only includes; Kori, Dick, Jason, Titus, Nevermore, and Melvin) She does do certain things that give herself away just like Damian.

--The list:

--- When Damian gets frustrated or angry she puts a hand on his arm, or holds his hand

--- She laughs at things he does (light chuckles, or little giggles)

--- She will talk to him about his interests and actively tries to have conversations with him about things unrelated to work.

--- She blushes when he does something unexpected (like a compliment)((Mostly she tries to hide it until he isn’t looking at her))(((Kori has caught the blush before)))

-- Luckily for them it does not take some cliche ‘One suddenly becomes in danger and the other one saves them only to be close to death and then they admit their love for one another and promise to go on a date when the other is healed’ situation. 

-- Damian actually asks Raven out after being tipped of by Jason and Dick that she may like him back. Damian finds out when they have days off at the same time and asks her while leaving work.

   “Raven, you have this weekend off correct?”

   “Yeah I do. I wasn’t planning on doing anything though. Did you have something in mind?”

    “Um, yeah, heh, I was wondering if you would do me the pleasure of going to dinner with me tomorrow.” *Awkwardly rubs back of neck*

    “Like a date or two friends going to dinner?” *Thinks she sounds harsh* “I am honestly fine with either since we are friends.” *nervous smile*

     “Like a date if that is okay with you of course.”

     “Yeah, yeah totally that is totally okay with me.” *Starts sounding like a teenage girl who only knows about 10 words, because she’s nervous*

      “Good, I’ll be by your place around 1830, if that is okay?” *nerve central, the central nervous system could never*

       “Yup that is totally fine with me.”

       “Great.”

       “Good.” The elevator opens in the knick of time.

       “See you tomorrow evening Agent Roth. Have a good night.”

        “You too, Agent Wayne, you too.”

-- When Damian does pick her up he feels like his brain is going to explode. She looks absolutely breathtaking. This is just like all the other times they’ve gone to dinner, except this restaurant is slightly fancier and they are on a date.

-- Raven feels as though all her emotions are leaking out at once, she has no idea what she is doing.

-- In the end they have a good time and decide to do it again. Damian does bring up that all of the breakfasts and dinners they regularly do could now be considered dates. Raven does not oppose that switch at all.

- Fast forward a handful of years (like 3?), Damian and Raven are moved in together (Nevermore and Titus are happy about this, they even allow the humans to adopt another pet, a cat named Alfred). Damian is now Supervisory Special Agent Wayne and is in charge of their unit. Raven has retired from field work and now works at the FBI academy and at Virginia State University. In about 6 months Damian is going to propose and Raven will say yes. Their wedding will be small but happy and full of life.

Once again I would like to thank everyone and all the support the previous post got.

Like last time if anything is disjointed, out of place or seems wrong, please go ahead and tell me. I have been working on this since the last one, but have finally had the time to finish it.

I hope the new year will bring us all some good. Possibly more head canons to come.

[floggingink]

Riverdale, “Chapter Twenty-Five: The Wicked and the Divine”

Jughead has seen more “mob movies” than I have, so I can’t verify his “classic trope,” but he’s speaking my language

I found Archie’s Devil Wears Prada errand-montage zippy and playful, much like Hiram Lodge himself

especially the direction of the construction guy’s arm clapping Archie’s shoulder to add movement to the swerving transition (not a technical term) as he steps into the trailer

Hiram’s soft V-neck sweater is, I assume, cashmere

Veronica’s look is so inseparable from collars and pearls that she has a collar made of pearls sewn into her dress

RAS wanted a Veronica-confirmation episode, so by God, he is getting one, and Veronica’s age be damned! Hiram and Hermione wanted “the same monsignor” from Veronica’s baptism, who I guess has been on leave at the Vatican for five years okay!

Archie wants to know if Veronica will have “to memorize stuff”

Veronica’s confirmation sponsor is her grandmother, which is par for the course, as is volunteering at a soup kitchen for her like 8 hours of required community service. I also had to write a report on Saint Lucy and pray a rosary in front of an abortion clinic. Veronica probably won’t have to do that, since you can’t say abortion on Riverdale

do soup kitchens have any actual paid employees, or are they all stocked with kids who just need volunteer hours/Matthew Goode’s character from The Good Wife in his spare time wearing that blue sweatshirt to characterize him as being “just that nice”?

Hiram is such a fucking soap opera star when he says Veronica has made him “the happiest father ALIVE.” like, alive?

“ISN’T SHE A MIRACLE?”

on FP’s kitchen table is the same kind of half-gallon of milk that Jughead was drinking from the morning after his birthday party. the Andrewses kept a spare half-gallon of skim milk just for Jughead in their fridge? the nicest thing Fred ever did for him

Jughead doubts it: Jughead is VERY sassy with Sheriff Keller and FP loves it!!!! because Jughead can have an anti-authoritarian ’tude WITHOUT NECESSARILY being “a gang member” at that particular moment!

FP is so crisp and put together! FP looks GREAT! what up though, Gladys?

wow I can’t believe Jughead’s article wielded so much political power that its legal ramifications echo throughout the entire episode, as if Jughead were Nellie Bly

“CAN I GET A QUOTE?” this is the Jughead that FP plainly adores

Jughead and Betty both drink skim milk, so, their wedding will be soon

are men on webcams actually fool enough to ask the webcam girls if they can MEET IN REAL LIFE? I have no knowledge about this world, but I would imagine the answer would be “Have you ever seen a film, ever?”

50 Shades of Betty: Betty looks pretty great in that severe black fucking wig and I still want an apology from Chuck specifically about dissing the wig

“Catholic chic” means veils optional, like the stole in black tie

What damn high school in America: Jughead doesn’t have to wear the preppy Lodge uniform, I see? shame

Best costume bit: Betty’s heart sweater is possibly my favorite thing she’s ever worn. I want it BADLY

ARE YOU TELLING ME HIRAM LODGE WANTS TO SUE A HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?

“DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER��? IS THERE SOMETHING HE WROTE THAT WASN’T TRUE? ARE YOU ~NOT~ BUILDING BOWLING ALLEYS ON NATIVE AMERICAN LAND? I will fucking suit up and be Jughead’s lawyer on this. as has been demonstrated, I have seen every episode of The Good Wife and can probably practice law in Illinois (for instance I know that in Illinois you only need one-person consent to secretly record a conversation)

I love Betty and Jughead being in the same room, of course, but Betty’s gentle, poking “And...did you?” is EXCEPTIONALLY cute. Betty is so cute. and sometimes scary

Jughead’s least clueless moment of the season so far is him looking back knowingly at Betty when she says maybe he would do it to “avenge Toni’s grandfather”

“WE’RE PALS.”

Jughead kind of looks great leaning against the window. like the lighting or something. God, please let me one day see the two of them making out with Betty in her cheerleading uniform

okay, I thought Betty and Jughead, IT WAS IMPLIED, had already had sex, because I was shown them waking up together after they had slept together in the trailer. apparently they LITERALLY slept together. APPARENTLY THEY HAVE NOT HAD SEX YET. I should have known, from the sleeper biceps, that Jughead was still pining IN THIS WAY, FOR THAT! I should have KNOWN Betty had not RIDDEN JUGHEAD INTO THE SUNSET YET. fuck! what am I doing!

Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: I also emotionally defend Betty’s ecru lie about not having “done anything” with anyone since the breakup since, as one will recall, immediately after her and Archie’s kiss they stared in horror at each other and have not talked about it since, thus cancelling it out as a real kiss (this is also a statute of Illinois law)

Hermione Lodge has some sort of skinny gold Lothlórien belt on over her deep merlot blazer

Archie > Dawson: Archie is sweet when he apologizes for making Pop double-check the order: “It’s more to make sure I get everything right.”

Archie hears Pop’s slip about Hiram being “the boss,” but other things happen and he FORGETS! at what inopportune time will he remember? when he’s physically embracing Jughead Jones?

although couldn’t Pop just play it off like Hiram is Archie’s boss? think on your feet, Pop

for the record I love Agent Adams and his whole deal. his plan is so insane that it might be brilliant. I just do still wish he were being played by either Sterling K. Brown or Max Greenfield

he doesn’t appreciate Archie’s attitude: “Is there a problem?” yeah, uh, Archie’s like twelve years old and not a trained undercover field agent? I love this stupid shit

oh, everyone’s being evicted from Sunnyside? if only Jughead hadn’t driven the southside’s only lawyer out of town with Kenickie Murdoch’s switchblade

OH MY GOD HERMIONE’S PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

according to everyone’s facial expressions, Veronica is under the impression she is doing good political maneuvering inviting the McCoys to her confirmation, Hermione is stunned she did so, Veronica really wanted to sing a solo, and Josie doesn’t know why she has to fucking apologize for anything

Josie being Veronica’s “gift” from Mayor McCoy is horrifying

Sixth period is Intro to Film: Cruel Intentions is a fantastic Catholic standard, containing as it does cocaine, “experimental” girl-on-girl French kissing, Ryan Phillippe’s ass, the line “I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself,” and implied step-sibling fucking, all of which I think Riverdale should include more of

the blue and red lighting inside the Wyrm is still nice. does the Wyrm even count as a dive? strippers probably wouldn’t waste their time at dives

wow there are some true beards in this crowd

okay…..the idea that Tall Boy is a better suspect than Jughead…...because he’s physically taller…..is singularly the most fantastic thing…..I have ever heard…..

I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: the sound of Archie shifting on the leather of Hiram’s couch is real good

“I RESPECT A MAN WHO WOULD GO TO SUCH EXTREMES.” HIRAM PLEASE!!!!! ARCHIE IS TOO DUMB FOR THIS!!!!!!

Gay?!: Ben? who the fuck is Ben? who is BEN? who the fuck?

OH MY GOD Jughead got in to see the mayor AGAIN! is Ethel Muggs her secretary???

Jughead interrupted Mayor McCoy eating her salad at her desk

for like the third time in the series she says she’s “always liked” Jughead, which, fat lot of good that’s done him

in Riverdale there is a red uniform at the soup kitchen, because even THE POOR must abide by aesthetics

Archie doesn’t know what cutting cigars means

Archie’s shoulders are nice under that polo

Betty’s plan about “treat it like a missing person’s case” and making it like this snooping Blue and Gold intrigue thing is of course welcome as a pretense for the two of them working together (on the show’s part), but in reality it’s just the fucking bare minimum that THE AUTHORITIES should ALREADY BE FUCKING DOING THEMSELVES

at this point I went to bed and had a very gripping, sexy dream about Veronica and Jughead. Veronica and Jughead

“Damn good coffee”: Hiram floating having to “bring Archie in” on the Lodge Family Tammany Hall is only slightly less absurd than the Federal Bureau of Investigation having already done so. what does Archie need to be brought in on, exactly? he’s just Veronica’s arm candy. he barely knows what a cigar is

while it is STILL ODD that Veronica has done a 180 on her accepting her father’s criminality, she still holds Archie up as a beacon of goodness, because, like I said, shoulders, polos

Jughead’s “order of the Ophidians” as he tapes up the Missing poster is either, so far as I can tell, an extremely obscure MMORPG reference or he’s just calling them snakes, but like, in Latin

Penny didn’t die of gangrene from her blistering wound like on the Oregon trail? probably a plus

FP is in some deep pain here. this is so far beyond his worst fears about Jughead joining the Serpents that he like never even fucking considered—I NEVER FUCKING CONSIDERED IT, IT WAS FUCKING RIDICULOUS

I certainly don’t think Penny’s terms are like, PARTICULARLY OUT OF LINE

ooooh Jughead’s little snipe at his father for fridging Jason!

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH “YOU WILL BE THE DEATH OF US,” THE ANGUISHED REALIZATION IN FP’S EYES, GLADYS STAY AWAY!!!!!

I can’t believe the sixth season of The Wire takes place in Riverdale and doesn’t even have Sonja Sohn playing Agent Adams

Alice’s angel wing-white Founding Father blouse and Betty’s textured peach sweater

Hal is REALLY skittish about Chic, considering that HE’S HIS SON, SO FAR AS WE KNOW. but Hal hordes important information until the bitter end, so he probably just knows some shit

The Blossom Whoever the fuck’s spawn: “He’s a stranger. That’s my beef.”

“It’s been ~some time~ since my last confession” is usually the most accurate clocking I could give as well

I love the very dangerous clusters of candles inside the confessional

These students are legally children: NO ONE is helping Veronica. Veronica is trying to “find her thing” like, in the dark, lit by votive candles

I loved the circle of beautiful mob wives drinking wine and talking about how praying to “the Almighty” for “forgiveness” makes them feel better #aspirational

Hiram isn’t fucking around with Mr. Man “disrespecting Pop Tate.” Pop Tate is an angel, doing his best out here in a chaotic world. his poutine is probably great!

Archie’s stuck using the wrong kind of plunger

Poppa Poutine says Hiram lost his “mojo” in “the joint”

is Poppa right? is Hiram weak? if you subtract the Andrews boys, he doesn’t seem to have any problems

The 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: Josie is back with killer witchy earrings, a lovely dress, and a fierce hold on the remainder of her personal agency

of course it’s “Bitter Sweet Symphony” but with harps. you know the Verve doesn’t get any royalties from that song? are the Rolling Stones the worst band in the world?

I LIKE THE SWOOSH FROM LARRY OR WHOEVER AND POPPA BACK TO ARCHIE WATCHING THEM

the back of the church is bathed in purple, the altar is yellow, the monsignor is in BRIGHT PALM SUNDAY RED, and this is what church should have always been like

Fwoopy hair is the best hair: Hermione’s strong-shouldered structured white jacket is amazing and Jughead forgoed his hat, to be respectful

Cheryl’s a chaos angel from hell: slightly strangely, Cheryl isn’t there at all this episode, but what we are truly robbed of is seeing what she would have worn to the confirmation

Veronica has a SUPER-SWEET very light pink/purple manicure!

Summer + Blair = Veronica: you better believe when Veronica was asked if she renounced Satan I was like, IS SHE GOING TO LOOK AT HER FATHER AND STORM OUT OF THAT CHURCH????? I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT!!!!!

instead I got an amazing thematic light show about Veronica choosing to believe in Archie’s unflagging internal compass and following his light (“the light of the Lord”!)

HE GIVES HER A TINY HAPPY NOD WHILE SHE’S THINKING, LIKE “YEAH BABE I KNOW YOU RENOUNCE SATAN!!!!!”

Veronica was rich: Veronica does look like a fucking angel up there

wow, Dilton isn’t DJing the afterparty? weird

why are Betty and Archie standing together AT ALL?

Abuelita is 100% right about pinching Archie’s cheek and Archie goes with it because he is respectful

Jughead eats: Jughead is so tormented he neglects the buffet!!!!!!

Jughead’s suit is very nice. I like the progression of his wearing better and better suits

Betty takes the news of Jughead’s CONFESSION that he “cut” Penny pretty stoically, as she did boil a guy once

POOR JUG IS RIGHT, IT DIDN’T EVEN MATTER!

Closed Captioning tells me the junkyard guy’s name is “JUNKYARD STEVE,” MY MAN

“If only we lived in a town where the answer could be no.”

Sexy, aesthetic Southside: Jughead in his leather jacket OVER HIS SUIT JACKET is pretty good!

“BY ANY CHANCE WAS THIS GENTLEMAN TALL?” OH MY GOD!!!! CASE FUCKING CLOSED BOYS!!!!!!!

Hermione hauling Veronica back for the photographer

Archie looking up from behind the closing art deco elevator doors

The female gaze: Archie is of course so handsome and perfectly proportioned in his suit. his handsomeness is such a given that I take it wholly for granted, like how when not suffering an allergy attack I can breathe from both nostrils but when one hits and I’m sneezing up my guts I’m like, air coming in from both nostrils? true bliss, I’ll never forget it again

God, did he get rid of his tailored cranberry Blossom suit? not the WORST crime committed in Riverdale, but probably worthy of eviction

Fifth period is AP English: as @hangingonyourwords noted, Archie knowing the word “coup” is VERY surprising! GOOD, ARCHIE

Hiram Lodge is, I think, listening to that song from Carmen while pouring himself a stiff drink, the massive Rory Gilmore portrait of Veronica over one shoulder and the blue light of an antipodean sea streaming in over the other, using a rotary phone to call in A MURDER

Tall Boy having to suffer interrogation by Jughead, whom he surely must have always despised, is his final indignity 

Jughead calls Betty “one of us,” which has not been given enough fanfare by ANYONE in the show! Betty is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT as much a Serpent as Jughead, unless Jughead’s mother is a Serpent, except that she hasn’t had to shout their stupid rules into someone’s face yet

I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: “YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED MY SON’S QUESTION.”

the poor Serpents have been twisted around rich northsiders’ fingers for so long that they don’t have any fucking idea what to be doing when NOT at the behest of a blackmailer or bribery. I don’t know what it means to be a Serpent except that it means you’re poor and comely. and VERY civic-minded

“You’re a Judas, Tall Boy. And an idiot.”

Gay.: Sweet Pea raises both his arms to vote

FP’s gonna run Tall Boy out of town. a word of advice: one town over is not far enough

hell, Archie’s seen all those mob movies too! he and Jughead must’ve watched them together while Jughead was sleeping in his bedroom

Archie’s speech to Veronica is GOOD, ARCHIE, and what Veronica gets out just reinforces my thought that Hiram is literally starting a second town under Mayor McCoy’s nose, which would concern me expect that it has been definitely shown that even after things are executed on Riverdale I confuse myself and am invariably exactly wrong

I would probably kiss Archie too if he looked at me like that and said “I’m with you,” which I think explains Betty

HAHAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY!!!!!! SOMETHING IN THE WATER IN FP’S TRAILER

Jughead’s suspenders? a startling plus!

I like the quietness of “Maybe we can ask Veronica on Monday.” it reminded me of Archie’s face-saving some-other-time-definitely promise to go to the library with Jughead

“Maybe we should just investigate quietly until we know more.”

BLESSED BE THE CHILDREN and Jughead’s brusque scoff at himself for saying “my darkness”

in a move that the last few episodes haven’t shown him as having enough sense to make, Jughead puts his hand, not on Betty’s hand, but directly on the skirt of her dress

also Jughead knows that dress zippers have a point where you think it’s gone all the way down but really you’ve got a little further to go otherwise you can’t get the waistline over the hips? Jug’s got a little bit of game going on!

I like the silhouette of Jughead’s Adam’s apple

while Jughead is doing an excellent job delicately checking in with Betty’s sacral chakra, with his bare hand, I don’t want to overlook either his own gently crossed ankles as he holds her or his AMAZING SOCKS

when Betty tells him she needs to tell him something, he EXHALES a “What?” before he says “What is it?” WHOOP

she is missing a pretty sick meatloaf or pork of some more at her mother’s dinner table

I didn’t think there was a physiognomically scarier white guy around than Chic himself, but I was wrong!!!! it’s definitely that guy at the door!!!!!!

oh shit, Archie sort of got somebody (else) killed. this is like when Jughead didn’t mean to but definitely got somebody’s face beaten in by Tall Boy and Serpent Baby—holy shit what happened to that kid!!!! where did Serpent Baby go???

Certified pedigree: OKAY SENDING THE STATUE HEAD TO HIRAM LODGE VIA A CONFIRMATION “PRESENT” TO HIS DAUGHTER IS A PRETTY GREAT MOVE. I ASSUME THIS WAS YOU, FP JONES. FP IS REALLY GOOD AT PUTTING WORDLESS THREATENING MESSAGES INTO BOXES

in the shot bingo of Riverdale, the middle box would have to be Betty coming through her front door and pausing because she hears something suspicious

Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: the squishy sound effect of the rags on the wet floor? her perfect hair? her bright blue turtleneck? “Elizabeth, did you lock the front door?” Alice is already three steps ahead!!! Alice Alice Alice!!!!!

Alice and FP have now both cleaned up somebody else’s murder’s cranial blood (I’m assuming Chic clocked this guy, which means it was probably Melody), further proof they belong together

Please protect Betty: Betty fucking Jughead probably saved her life

Next week: Cheryl shoots a bow and arrow!!! into my heart!!!!!!!!!