#hes a man of few words. hes patient. kind. rather the opposite of my grandmother. shes talkative

[that-thoughtful-waffle]

I. I want to try to convince my grandmother of this, but I just don't want to fight her. It's a losing battle. I'd need to have sources and not only sources but sources that shed believe. Or enough sources that her belief in the schemes that she's bought into might waver. I wish that she'd believe that I'd try to convince her of such things out of love, but my father's side of the family seems rather resistant to changing the beliefs they hold. No matter what they're in regards to.

Oh my god, food extract is not the same as an essential oil.

Food extract is the flavoring of something cooked down into a carrier oil or alcohol that is safe for human ingestion.

Essential oil is the pure extract of the plant refined down and distilled for concentrated medicinal purposes to a significantly higher strength than simply adding ground up mint leaves to your water. The two are not comparable in any way.

Cinnamon extract and cinnamon essential oil are not the same thing.

One is about 100 times the strength of the other and can also cause acute organ failure. I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the food extract.

Sweet gods I’m not trying to be mean, I want you to be aware and safe and stop putting yourselves and others at risk. Please.

[cakesunflower]

Reach For You [Dad!Calum AU] Ch. 14

Previous Chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13

Chapter 14

WHEN RICHIE ANNOUNCED that Laila was pregnant with their third child, Aspen had become beyond thrilled with joy and excitement at the thought of getting a new addition to the family, to having another niece or maybe even a nephew. When Richie told them that Laila was already four months along and they were going to throw a gender revealing party, Aspen had been utterly shocked. Her sister-in-law was four months along and no one knew—no one could even tell, and Aspen was kind of baffled at how good Laila looked to not even look like she was pregnant. When she’d been four months along with Luna, Aspen already had a bump to show for it. Not Laila, though. Aspen was admittedly a bit jealous.

“You sure it’s okay for me to come?” Calum questioned quietly as they walked up the pathway between the front yard to Richie’s house, his hand grasping Luna’s as to make sure she doesn’t slip on any ice, since it had snowed a few days ago.

Aspen shot him an exasperated look. “Yes,” she answered for what felt like the dozenth time before scoffing slightly. “Didn’t you and Richie make up? Why’re you worried?”

Calum shrugged as they walked up the front porch steps. “Don’t know. I don’t wanna, like, overstep or anythin’,” he admitted with a small frown, lips thinning at the confession. Sure, he and Richie had settled things a week or so ago, but Calum didn’t want to suddenly start acting like family if Richie didn’t consider him so—even though Aspen assured him time and time again that he was. And Calum knew he was—he was family to Luna and Aspen. But did that extend to the rest of her family?

He felt his girlfriend squeeze his free hand, offering a pretty smile that made his heart jump. “You’re not, bub,” she reassured before ringing the doorbell.

It opened only a moment later, greeted by Aspen’s mother as she pulled her daughter in for a hug before ushering her into the house and out of the cold. Calum had Luna go in first as she greeted her grandmother, and Calum offered a close mouthed smile to Mrs. Russo, unsure of how exactly to greet her, feeling a familiar warmth spread through him when she pulled him in for a hug. Calum returned it, eyebrows shooting up in surprise, rolling his eyes as he caught sight of a triumphantly smirking Aspen over Mrs. Russo’s shoulder.

The house was already teeming with guests, family members of all ages from both Richie and Laila’s sides everywhere, as well as their friends. The family members from Richie’s side only happened to be those who showed up to Luna’s birthday party, since most of them lived in different states and they didn’t really have that big of a family. But Calum greeted people from Laila’s side, smiled at the kids running around as he took in the gold Boy or Girl banner hanging on the wall behind the dining table, which was decorated with plates and utensils and foods, most of them sweet treats galore for the occasion.

The first forty minutes of Aspen and Calum’s arrival was spent mingling with everyone, until Mrs. Russo brought out a big black balloon that all the kids gathered excitedly around. She held it up and away from their reach, laughing as she brought it over to the wall under the banner, handing it to Richie as the balloon floated between him and Laila.

“Come around, everyone!” Mrs. Russo called out excitedly, bringing the guests into the large dining room.

There was a camera set up on a tripod on the opposite side of the dining table to record everything, and Calum and Aspen exchanged sweet smiles as they came to stand together. He felt a tug on his jeans, looking down to see Luna who silently put up her arms, and he grinned at his five year old acting like a two year old before picking her up and resting her on his hip so she could get a view of the action.

“What’s going on?” Luna asked, frowning in confusion at the sight of the balloon.

“We’re gonna find out if Uncle Richie and Aunt Laila are gonna have a girl or a boy,” Calum explained to her as more people walked into the room, finding places to stand so they could watch.

Luna looked puzzled. “How?”

Aspen, who’d been listening, explained, “They’re gonna pop the balloon. If the confetti inside is blue, then it’s a boy. If it’s pink, it’s a girl.”

Luna’s pouty lips formed an O in understanding, wondering eyes on the big black balloon. Once everyone was gathered in the dining room, Richie grinned as Laila grabbed one of the needles. “Everyone ready?”

A chorus of excited agreements sounded, and Calum joined in as everyone counted down from three, feeling a smile curl at his lips at the sight of Richie and Laila’s anticipating grins. And then when they reached one and both of them pierced the balloon with a loud pop! Calum cheered with everyone else and gave Luna a shake as blue confetti floated around, the room loud with cheers and laughter and exciting clapping while Richie engulfed Laila in a hug.

Calum watched with a smile as Aspen rushed over to hug her brother as her mother hugged Laila, before the two switched, wide grins on everyone’s faces as Luna asked to be put down to run to her cousins. Richie was making his way around the table, thanking everyone who congratulated him until he got to where Calum stood, who stuck his hand out and said to Richie, “Congratulations, man.”

Richie smiled, the elation evident in his eyes as he accepted Calum’s hand and shook it. “Thanks. Thank you,” he nodded with a laugh.

Absently, Calum found himself moving towards the nearest wall, letting everyone celebrate the happy news as he watched quietly. He hadn’t detected it, but a bittersweet feeling crept up on him as he watched the happy couple celebrate with their family and friends, keeping the smile on his face yet he could practically feel his thoughts racing in his mind.

He should be celebrating Richie and Laila, but Calum couldn’t help but wonder if Aspen had a party like this; if her family or friends threw her some kind of gender reveal party where she found out she was having a girl. Or if she just found out during the ultrasound and had forgone the party aspect of it all. He hated that he was here to have a fun time but was instead wondering, grieving, lamenting over the thought of his girlfriend going through the pregnancy by herself, felt his stomach twist at the reminder that he wasn’t there for any of it.

And while he no longer held Aspen for blame, it was still something to mourn the loss over. Still something he wished he had been a part of.

                                                                *****

In the middle of his conversation with one of Richie’s friends, Calum felt a finger repeatedly poke the back of his leg, causing him to look down in confusion just as a voice asked, “Uncle Calum?”

The sound of Richie’s daughter, Mariam, referring to him as Uncle Calum had him nearly choking on air, not at all expecting that from the little girl. It gave his heart a pleasant tug, a light flutter in his stomach as he recognized the sensation as a feeling of belonging. “Yes, sweetheart?” he asked, smiling down at her as he quickly recovered from his shock.

She looked up at him with dark eyes she’d inherited from her mother. “Luna’s in my room and she’s sad. Will you talk to her?”

At that, a concerned furrow drew Calum’s eyebrows together, feeling his heart sink at the mere mention of his daughter being upset for whatever reason. She’d seemed perfectly happy throughout the party, confusing Calum as to why she was suddenly so upset. But instead of standing around and wondering, he asked Mariam where her room was and thanked the little girl before practically jogging up the stairs.

Mariam and Nadia’s shared bedroom was the first door on the right, the door halfway open as Calum peeked his head in, feeling a breath escape him at the sight of Luna sitting at the foot of one of the twin beds, gripping a stuffed dog as she looked down at it. Even from where he stood, Calum could see her sad eyes and downturned pouting lips, eyebrows lifted in a kind of sorrow no five year old should be capable of. Calum’s throat dried, gut twisting in discomfort at how upset she looked.

“Hey, bug,” he greeted tentatively, stepping into the room before taking a few steps inside. “What’re you doin’?”

“Sitting,” Luna’s quiet, obviously glum voice answered.

Calum swallowed. Just hearing the sadness she felt made his heart ache. He stood in front of her. “Can I sit with you?” Luna nodded, dark curls bouncing as she refused to look up from the stuffed toy. He sat down to her right, the mattress sinking under his heavier weight as he rested his hands on his knees. Looking down at his daughter, Calum asked, “What’s got my princess so sad, huh?”

Luna was silent for a few moments and Calum waited patiently, though his worry never ceased. He just wanted to see her smile back on her face, protective paternal instincts simmering with the desire to rid of any and everything that could upset her. It was an aspect of fatherhood that was overwhelming, yet he was more than ready to take on that challenge for the rest of his life. It was a breathless kind of love, what he felt for Luna, willing to do whatever he possibly could to make sure she was happy, healthy, loved and safe. A responsibility that no longer felt as such, but rather an instinct that existed in every fiber of his being.

Suddenly, Luna spoke up in a timid, upset tone. “How come Mariam and Nadia get a brother but I don’t have any?” she questioned quietly, gloomily.

Calum’s throat dried with a hitched breath, eyes widening at her words as his grip on his knees tightened. He definitely had not been expecting that, and he wasn’t entirely prepared to answer her inquiry, either. He wasn’t about to tell his five year old that she wasn’t going to get a sibling any time soon—yet he couldn’t tell her that she was. His relationship with Aspen, while they were building on what they once had, was new in the sense that they were still getting reacquainted with one another. They had only recently started being parents together—they were content with what they had for now. Calum just needed to find the right words to tell Luna.

“Because your mum and I have you, princess,” Calum answered carefully, shifting his gaze to her as she looked up, green eyes meeting brown. He tried to lighten the mood, offering a smile. “You really wanna share your crown?”

Luna nodded. “I would if I had a brother.”

Calum wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or run and find Aspen to handle this conversation. He was too afraid of saying the wrong thing. Raising an eyebrow, he asked, “You know you can’t pick if you have a brother or sister, right?”

Unless they counted adoption, but obviously that wasn’t a conversation to have right now.

Luna shrugged in response to Calum’s question, looking back at the stuffed dog as she pet its fur. “Don’t mamas and daddies have to love each other to have babies?” Luna looked up at him once more, childlike innocence written all over her face as she spoke matter of factly. “You and Mama love each other, so you should have a baby.”

Holy fucking hell—his five year old was legitimately making him sweat.

Calum gaped down at her, eyes wide and lips parted as Luna went back to petting the stuffed dog, utterly oblivious to the fact that she was maybe five seconds away from giving her father a heart attack or something. She was just a little kid, but the fact that she so confidently stated that he and Aspen loved each other—Calum was genuinely considering if Luna was just saying that because they were her parents and she assumed they did, or because there was something there that gave her that idea.

His heart was picking up its pace under his ribs. He loved Aspen at one point, of course he had. And since the moment he ran into her again, to sleeping with her on Halloween night and now getting back together with her—Calum wasn’t going to lie and say he didn’t consider the fact that those strong feels for her never went away. It was something he struggled to make sense of since seeing her again because while Calum was well aware and accepting of the fact that he obviously, very loudly, had feelings for Aspen, he just wasn’t entirely sure if they were at the same level as to what they used to be yet.

There were many days where he asked himself if he loved her; it was something that frustrated him when they were still on bad terms, wondering how he could possibly love someone who had kept his child from him? But now that the truth was out, the air was clear and he was back together with her, there was a small voice at the back of his mind reassuring him that his love for Aspen never left him—not entirely. It had always been present, something he kept in a box in the back corner of his mind, which was now opening to let the contents free because, with her, he was finally happy.

He had a family with Aspen. In her, in Luna. For Calum specifically, how could he not be in love with the mother of his child?

When Luna hadn’t said anything else, seemingly distracted by the stuffed dog in her hands, Calum pressed his lips together and swallowed, throat dry from the shock his daughter enlisted upon him. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s go have some more cake, yeah?”

Luna nodded, jumping off the bed and putting the dog back in its place before running out, and Calum let out a breathless, disbelieving scoff of a laugh as he near dazedly got to his feet and followed her out at a slower pace. The conversation had been extremely short, but Luna had effectively thrown Calum in for a loop. How fitting was it that his own daughter helped him realize that he still loved her mother? After everything they’ve been through, the good and bad and good again, they’ve grown together in a matter of months succeeding the years they spent apart. Of course he loved Aspen.

Reaching downstairs, Calum found Luna eagerly waiting by the table, and he chuckled to himself as he cut her a slice of cake before sitting her down at the small kids table that was set up. He ruffled her curls lightly as she dug into the treat before looking up and catching sight of Aspen walking into the kitchen. Weaving around some of the guests, Calum followed her inside where she was pulling out a can of Sprite from the fridge, smiling at him as she popped the can open.

But Calum stopped, shooting her a defeated look as he let out a breath through his mouth, and with them being the only two in the kitchen, Aspen shot him a puzzled look before letting out a small laugh. “What’s wrong?”

Calum had considered keeping his and Luna’s conversation to himself, but if he had to suffer through that, he was going to let Aspen know about it. It was a sensitive topic, he figured, but he still couldn’t help but speak up on it. “I just got myself out of the most awkward conversation with our daughter.”

Raising her eyebrows, Aspen took a few steps towards him before leaning back against the center island, Calum standing in front of her. “The most awkward conversation I can think of having with Luna is the birds and the bees, but I doubt that’s what you’re talking about.” Aspen let out a laugh at the horrified expression that took over Calum’s face, not at all wanting to think of that conversation. At least not for another thirteen years. At least. “What was it?”

Pressing his lips together, Calum took in the curiosity in Aspen’s green eyes that she’d passed down to their daughter, pretty and framed with long eyelashes. Briefly he considered dropping the topic, but then he spoke up anyway after taking in a breath and shoving his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “Luna asked why she didn’t have a brother or sister.”

Aspen’s eyes widened, freezing when she pulled the can away from her mouth, not yet swallowing her sip as she stared at Calum in incredulity. He, in turn, rolled his lips into his mouth and slowly nodded his head, both of their expressions reading their own variations of what the fuck? The party going on in the other rooms seemed distant in this moment as Aspen processed what Calum said, slowly swallowing her drink.

“I—” she began, giving a quick shake of her head as she met Calum’s gaze. “What’d you tell her?”

“I just—I told her that she was, like, our princess and if she really wanted to share her crown and then she said she would if she had a brother,” Calum blurted, feeling uncharacteristically flustered as he spewed out what had taken place. He took his right hand out of his pocket, waving it as he spoke. “And then—” He stopped, not wanting to go any further because then Luna had spoken about parents loving each other and how Calum and Aspen loved each other. And while he wasn’t at all ashamed of what he felt for the woman in front of him, there was still a hesitant part of him that feared telling her was too soon. Even if they had said it to one another many times years ago, even if they had a kid together. Aspen raised her eyebrows, silently demanding him to continue, and Calum finished, “And then I distracted her with cake and that was that.”

Aspen gaped at him, lips parted and looking completely thrown off. “So basically you bullshitted our five year old.”

“She ambushed me with that question!” Calum defended, waving his hand as he let out a short surprised laugh. Then he pointed at Aspen. “Next time she asks that I’m sendin’ her to you.”

Aspen shook her head, obviously in disbelief that the conversation even took place before shrugging in acceptance. “I’m not that surprised she asked something like that,” she admitted, catching Calum raising his eyebrows dubiously. “She loves playing with her cousins and other kids. Some kids would rather not share their parents’ attention with another sibling but I guess Luna just. . . Wants someone to play with, you know?”

They quietened after her words, a silence hanging over them despite the party they were in the middle of. It was a bit of a risky conversation to have, talking about a baby other than Luna, and it was too soon. Both of them were well aware of that. But Calum couldn’t lie to himself; the thought of another baby, where this time he could be there for every step of the way, was something that made his heart jump excitedly.

This damn party was bringing up way too many thoughts for his little family that he wasn’t sure they all were prepared for.

Calum swallowed, glancing out the window before saying, “I’m gonna step out for a smoke.”

Aspen parted her lips to speak up, though whatever she had to say died on her tongue as Calum turned and walked out of the kitchen towards the front door. She remained put, holding onto her can as her gaze burned holes in Calum’s back as he went, rolling her lips into her mouth in thought. There was a small furrow in her eyebrows; Calum had cut down on smoking quite a bit, though very occasionally the need for one was too great for him to pass up. The fact that he needed one now told Aspen that the topic of more kids Luna unwittingly brought up wracked some nerves in her boyfriend. Aspen couldn’t blame him, but she also didn’t want this to fester.

So putting her can down, she followed his steps, the heels of her boots clicking against the floor as she smiled at a few of the guests she walked by before stepping outside, forgoing grabbing her coat from the closet and just going out in her sweater. Calum was leaning forward on the railing and Aspen shut the door, crossing her arms over her chest as the cold weather prickled at her skin, taking a few cautious steps forward as she came up to his left.

“I know it’s a touchy topic,” Aspen spoke up gently once she reached his side, feeling a small spark of relief when he looked her way as she did. The simple action told her he wasn’t ignoring her, wasn’t angry with her. Her eyes met his. “But whatever you’re thinking, talk to me. Don’t blow it away with a cigarette, Cal.”

His adam’s apple bobbed, thoughts whirring around his head. Part of him knew that a conversation like this was too soon in their relationship, but there was also another that told him that he and Aspen have been through a lot together, and that if a conversation was enough to rattle them, then what hope did they have? He had faith in them, in her, and got his heart to trust enough in their relationship that just talking about this wasn’t going to be enough to destroy them.

“Before I even talked to Luna, I started thinkin’,” Calum began, deciding that he might as well be truthful. His arms were folded atop the wooden railing, lowering his right hand as smoke curled from the end of the cigarette. While his face was turned towards Aspen, his brown eyes were gazing around—not to avoid looking at her, but just taking in the snowy sight around them as he spoke. “Started thinkin’ ’bout how you did everythin’ on your own—and I’m puttin’ blame on you because that’s just what happened,” he quickly added when Aspen opened her mouth, relaxing when she nodded. Calum let out a sigh as his breath fogged in front of him, looking down at the railing between them. “And I just, I don’t know, wanted to be a part of it too, you know?” He offered a smile, nostalgic and maybe a bit self deprecating. “It probably sounds stupid, huh? Missin’ somethin’ I never had?”

“No, it doesn’t,” Aspen instantly said, eyebrows furrowing together at that as she shook her head. Her hand came to rest on his left, squeezing it as Calum met her gaze once more. Aspen’s heart squeezed in her chest. He wasn’t saying any of that to make her feel bad—he was just speaking his own thoughts and feelings, and Aspen appreciated that. She didn’t want him to keep any of it to himself in fear of making her feel guilty or bad about everything. All that shit happened and they were working through it. He’d forgiven her and told her to forgive herself, too. There was no time for guilt. “It’s normal for you to feel that way, Cal.” She offered a small smile and a one shouldered shrug. “I kind of felt the same way too, you know? Got to thinking how wonderful it would’ve been with you there, too.”

Calum’s lips quirked up into a small smile, appreciative that Aspen let him speak his feelings and contributed some of her own. Both of them were aware there would be times that they’d find themselves lamenting over the past few years, but so long as they moved on from them, didn’t reenter the stage of anger and resentment, they knew they’d be fine. They weren’t ignoring what happened, that’d be unhealthy, yet sometimes they couldn’t help but reminisce over a time both spent less happy than they could’ve been.

No longer wanting to feel the small weight on his chest, Calum straightened his back and smirked, a boyishly mischievous spark in his dark eyes as he closed the distance between him and Aspen, left arm wrapping around her neck to pull her close. Teasingly, he said, “We could do it all together for baby number two, yeah?”

Aspen let out a laugh, head tilting back to look at him as she grinned, glad for his way of lightening the mood as she wrapped both of her arms around his waist, keeping him close. “Yeah, we’ll get right on that,” she rolled her eyes, feeling his chest rumble with a laugh and pressing her cheek to his chest, reveling in the comforting heat his body providing. Aspen closed her eyes, humming, “You’re so warm.”

Just like that, Calum suddenly noticed that she was only in a sweater, snubbing out the cigarette as he wrapped both of his arms around her with a click of his tongue. “Woman, why’re you out here without a coat? If you get sick I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Aspen snorted, pressing her nose against his chest, inhaling his pleasant scent that tingled her nerves in the best way. “Always a charmer.”

tags: @crownedbyluke @rishlo @bitchinbabylon @ghostofcalum @dxmncalum @letsfxckindance @unsexilexi @calumthoodsyonce @grreatgooglymoogly @therainydays4 @sadbreakfast-club @lifeakaharry @codycasperky2 @calntynes @complete-trash-101 @kinglyhemmings @empathycth @friendly-neighborhood-michelle @cxddlyash @checkeredcalum @lovelettercalum @nostalgia-luke @captain-what-is-going-on @slimthicccal @bloodytbs @miahelizaaabeth @ghostofhood @elsysoza @writing-in-riverdale @tourettesboi @angelbbycal @bbteamlove @xoforeverx @stfujace @thebodaciouscth @helplesshood @runawaywithme-xo @lietomemyvalentine @emma070900 @cosmixcalum @babygirlcashton @calumamongmen @5sos-stan4lyfe @ihatemyself21 @lipstickstainfading @crystalisinfinite @misskarynie @wrappedaroundcal @wcstethenights @michealcliffturd @akacalciumhood @poppedpins @dollbitxhes @5saucewho @hearts-to-the-sky @booklove-2 @walkedhomealone @andreabjoerg @qualitylu @softboycal @early-thoughts @5saucefanfic @dher216 @all-i-want-is2b-loved-by-you @babyloniancal @xlov3quotingx @aybbblondie @rexorangecouny @flowerchild8341 @romanticalumhood @kaxseychill @babyloncalm @calistheloml @calumh-excess @egyptiangoldhood @irwinkitten @soulmatecashton @gettingjillywithit @asht0ns-world @visualm3nte @xhaileyreneex @cal-pal-cuddles @invisiblexcth @cliffordcntrl @calumsmermaid @5secondssofssummer @cals-babylons @mysteriouslycali @hoodcentral @cathartichaoss @inlovehoodx @gigglyirwin @roselukes @thepixiedreambitch @calumhoodless @paqueretteash @antisocialbandmate @sunnysidesblog @escap0-with-me @thewhitestbitch-u-know @rosecoloredash @biwriting @calteahood @2k17muke @theagenderwhocriedwolf @caelumhood @kinglycalum @fucking5sos @ohhmuke @ghostofch @isabella-mae13 @5secsofsomewhere @tupeloohoneyy @sublimehood @shower-me-with-roses @hotmessmichael @pauliip @jetblackyoungblood @astroashtonio @valentinelrh @softforcal @glitterprincelu @meetashthere @hereforlukescruff @old-zeppelin-shirt

[giranswife]

Truth or Dare Au || Ch. 1

Summary: Ashley and her friends take a trip to the beach to enjoy some time away together. While they’re there, they stumble upon some interesting ruins that a few of them wish to investigate. Which will quickly become their shelter from a storm, and they decide to make the time worth it by having some fun. Little do they know that by starting a game of truth or dare, they will be sealing their fate with a vengeful spirit.

W: self-insert x canon, fluff, eventual slight nsfw, eventual horror

Ship: shirey

Next Part

(( Note: This is my horror au just in time for halloween! It’s a multi parter, I know that I have a lot coming, please bear with me!! This is based off of and heavily inspired by the movie Truth or Dare. I will be using scenes and maybe some dialogue from the movie, but I will definitely be twisting the narrative a lot to fit my mix of comedy and less death. Think of it as a slightly watered down version. ))

@self-shipping-angel

The warmth of the sun from the window served as the perfect light for me to catch up on a couple pages of my book. I leaned against the kitchen counter, using the morning sunlight as my only light source. My initial idea was to finish the short read before Shiroe was out of the shower, waiting for him patiently while also completing this book. I had been trying to finish it for months, work and other things keeping me from it.

I rubbed my sleepy eyes, sipping on my tea beside me. The house was rather quiet, and I felt myself falling against my palm that rested against my cheek. The words on the page below started to blend together, and my eyelashes slowly fluttered closed. It didn’t take long for me to slowly fall asleep.

Before I could slam my head into the counter, I felt a hand slowly touch my shoulder gently. It caused me to jump a bit, my eyes fluttering open as I glanced at the man beside me.

“Oh… hey Shiroe,” I mumbled, “Did I fall asleep?”

He nodded, his hand running down my cheek. The warmth of it calmed my thudding heart, and I relaxed into my chair with a sigh.

“Yep. Almost. Are you sure you want to go?”

I nodded, sitting up from the stool and stretching my arms.

“Of course I do. I just didn’t get enough sleep as I would have wanted to last night. Besides, Sayeko and Marielle would kill me if I canceled plans.”

Shiroe shook his head, chuckling as I yawned and leaned my forehead against his stomach. He ran a hand through my hair, delicately pushing the strands as he held me close. In the peaceful quiet of the kitchen in that early morning, I could easy fall back asleep in this position. But I was both excited for this trip and ready to get out on the road for some damn fresh air.

“No they wouldn’t. I’m sure she’d understand if you were tired.”

“Yeah, but… I’ve been looking forward to this weekend for months.”

Shiroe let out a sigh, but didn’t protest. He knew that I was right, and he definitely didn’t want to upset me.

Today we were getting ready to meet up with our friends to head out to the beach for the weekend. Me and Sayeko thought it would be fun to get away for the weekend, all of us needing a break from everyday life and stress. I haven’t spent a lot of time with my friends like that in a long time. It would be great to get away and have a fun time.

After months of deadlines and meetings, this was what I needed. Shiroe felt the same, but he was just looking out for me. It’s why I loved him and why I was excited for us to get married soon. It was another reason why we needed to get away. Lately he and I have just needed a break from the world. We would technically still be with friends, but we did get a separate hotel room in the hopes of having some alone time at night.

Just as I was getting used to the feeling of his arms around me, I heard my phone chime beside me. I quickly picked it up, reading the text from Sayeko through blurry eyes.

“Oh, they’re about to pull up,” I said, quickly shutting my laptop and throwing it into its case, “Are you sure you don’t just want to take my car? It’s gonna be kind of cramped.”

“Yeah, it’ll be easier to take one car. Besides, they already agreed that they trust me driving more than any of you guys.”

“Now, I have no idea why they’d say that.”

I winked teasingly, slipping my bag onto my shoulder.

“Hey, I’m a pretty good driver,” He said, then took a better glance at my face, “What?!”

“Yes, babe, you’re a good driver. But more like you’re… too good of a driver.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He followed me to help me grab my bags, just as Sayeko pulled up in our driveway. She should have already picked up Akatsuki and Marielle, and we were their last stop. I helped pitch in some cash so we could rent a bigger vehicle since most of us who had vehicles didn’t have one large enough for all of us.

Biting my lower lip, I tried not to giggle too hard as I spun around to face him. The look on his face was pretty adorable. He looked almost betrayed in a cute, joking sort of way.

“Shiroe, baby, I love you. But you drive like my grandmother.”

He scoffed, “I do not. I drive responsibly!”

“Too responsibly!”

“So would you rather me drive like Naotsugu?”

My eyes widened, and I had no words at that point.

The lift of his brows just made me giggle loudly, gently pushing his chest playfully. The thought was already frightening enough, and he knew that. He was there when I specifically asked Sayeko not to let Naotsugu take the wheel. At all. I’d much rather deal with Shiroe’s careful driving than his… fast and furious kind.

“Yeah, I thought so,” He laughed.

“You know, just because you won this time, doesn’t mean anything.”

I poked his chest for emphasis, pursing my lips as I noticed him getting closer. My chest heaved slowly as I tried to catch my breath from laughter. The distance was slowly closing between us, and I felt his fingers slip through my own. His lips pressed against mine so softly, that I almost didn’t feel it at first. I kissed back, smiling in between each one as my cheeks flushed red.

It wasn’t until I heard the loud knock near my ear that I suddenly jumped and yelped rather loudly.

“Are you guys ready in there?”

I rolled my eyes, quickly opening the door before he could knock that loudly again.

“Oh, there you are! What’s taking you so god damn long?”

“None of your damn business, bitch.”

“Now, that’s just rude!”

I stuck out my tongue at Naotsugu as I walked backwards towards the car.

Sayeko was already rushing out of the car to give me a hug, helping me get my bags and throw them into the trunk. Marielle rolled down her window, reaching her hand out to pinch my cheeks.

“There’s my cute sister!”

“Marielle, please, don’t-”

She stopped only long enough for her to open the door and yank me inside. Her arms wrapped around me in a tight embrace, and I was already beginning to gasp for air.

“Marielle, do we have to do this every time?” Akatsuki asked from the seat near the opposite window.

She rolled her eyes, giving me a sympathetic smile.

“Didn’t you two just see each other yesterday?” Sayeko asked, appearing behind us as she tried to help Marielle relax her fingers.

“Every day away from my sister is a terrible day!”

Finally, I was able to break free from her hold, and I slid down onto the ground as I gasped for breath. Granted, I was being a bit dramatic about the whole thing, but it really did feel like I was just getting my breath back after a long time. She literally knocked the wind out of me.

Sayeko helped me onto my feet, and she tried not to giggle from the face that I was making. I rubbed the base of my neck and chatted with the girls while Shiroe helped Naotsugu put up the rest of the bags.

“Are you ladies ready to go? You got everything?”

“Yeah, yeah we’re fine. Just waiting on you two slowpokes.”

I winked, ignoring the roll of both of their eyes.

The sun was beating down above us, which was both a good and a bad sign. It was a good sign that it was perfect beach weather, but it was bad because it made me miserable. I was feeling much better once I was inside the car, sitting in front of the AC that was blowing right on me.

“I’ll stop at a store and let you guys get some snacks. We’re about two hours out,” Shiroe said, giving my hand a little kiss before he started the car.

“Ooooh! Did you say snacks?”

“Yes, children, he did.”

“Who the hell are you calling a child?!”

“Naotsu, baby, please. Shhh…”

I rolled my eyes, folding my legs underneath me in the seat and getting more comfortable.

This was going to be a long, long ride. But I was looking forward to it. My friends may be weird and sometimes wild, but I loved them to death. This was one of the reasons why I knew that this weekend was going to be the best.

But little did I know that there was so much more in store for us. So much more than just a simple beach weekend.

Something much… much deadlier.

[interracial-datingproject-blog]

An Essay on Personal Conflicts

People say opposites attract, but if that was true, then why do we see so few interracial couples? Often, couples that come from different races bring together very different cultures and backgrounds, leading to a clash of ideals and ideas. This clashing is often much more than these couples can take, leading to early breakups on relationships packed with potential. However, when both partners manage to keep an open idea, something new and special can be created. Personal cultural differences can cause strains to appear in interracial relationships,  but compromises, patience, and acceptance of each other’s cultures will lead to a wonderful life together.

Interracial relationships can be a difficult thing to navigate. Every relationship requires compromise, but this may be even more true for those of different cultures. When choosing to be with someone of a different culture, one is opening themselves up to a different experience and outlook on life. As cited in Medley, B., Reviere, R., Stackman, V. (2016) Current national surveys indicate that about 85% of people ages 18 to 29 approve of interracial dating, and few young Americans say that similar racial and ethnic backgrounds are important in their choice of mates To see how many sacrifices, and what they entailed, anecdotal evidence was collected. Two people, both in interracial relationships, were asked about their experiences and compromises made within these relationships and how it has affected their lives. To keep anonymity the two women will be referred to as A and L. When asked how they met their significant other, A said that she had met him through her best friend while L said that they had met through work. A is a Hispanic woman who is currently in an interracial relationship with a Korean man. When asked about the first cultural differences she first experienced in their relationship she mentioned the food, “his family eats a lot of sushi, which I did not like when we first met but is now one of my favorite foods.”  She explained how she was sort of off-put by the new food experiences but that it eventually became part of her life as much as his. She had also explained how the language barrier was frightening at first. The grandmother of her significant other speaks little English while his mother does speak English, but often speaks in Korean. She talked about how it can be scary being around people you want to impress when you do not even speak their language. L, who is also a Hispanic woman, is in a relationship with a white woman and could not relate as much to experiencing new cultures. It was also asked how they dealt with these new changes and experiences. A said that she would “try to spend time with his grandma in order for her to get a sense of what kind of person I am” while L said that she tries to include her significant other in her family's traditions as she knows that her significant other does not have many of her own. It was also asked if they have incorporated any of their significant other traditions into their own daily lives. A said that she now eats tons of sushi and listens to KPOP, Korean Pop Music which she had not listened to before. Now she and her friends enjoy watching music videos and going to KPOP concerts. L said that there are not really any traditions for her to incorporate, but she has started to bring her significant other to her family’s special events, such as making tamales on Christmas. She said that she enjoys being able to show someone new experiences and cultures because it brings them closer. Overall, both women said that they are extremely happy in their relationships and that there must always be a compromise, but if you are open to new experiences then it may lead to new likings and hobbies of your own.

The struggles of being in an interracial relationship are also shown through popular social media sites like YouTube. A very popular one that I watched recently was Yappie, by WongFuProductions. The show contains a very realistic depiction of Black women dating an Asian man. One of the main issues they face in the show is the lack of respect of the boyfriend by the girlfriend’s friends. One of the girlfriend’s exes immediately started making racist jokes at the expense of the boyfriend, saying things like “Ching Chong” and “dog eater”. However, this couple got past this incident by leaving the premises and cutting off negative influences. Another friend told the boyfriend that not all people think like the ex; not that all people are that racist. Sometimes when there are negative influences in life, it is best to just cut them off. Another issue that this couple faces is the fact that all the boyfriend’s friends just assume that he is only dating the girl just because of her race. This issue is resolved by the friends, along with the members of the relationship, accepting everyone for who they are as individuals, rather than who they are as a race. This includes things like assuming that someone likes something or is good at something because of their race. Another YouTube video that describes how people get past culture differences is called “Intercultural Couples on Miscommunication”. The video starts off with people describing the problems they faced in the beginning of their relationships. This includes things ranging from thinking that hair is a weave to another race being a lot more adventurous in bed. A huge issue for all these couples was the language barrier. Different words have different connotations in different cultures. Sometimes, a sentence could be interpreted in a way that it wasn’t supposed to. The way that all these couples got past this is by being patient. Each of them was very understanding about these understandings, and after a while of being together, they eventually learned about each other’s quirks. With patience, any amount of differences can be overcome.

We can also find cross-cultural couples’ difficulty in the youtube video [Interracial Couples Talk Family] this video was about interracial couples share awkward moments and weird traditions'. It was pretty hilarious for me to watch this video and see slight conflicts between two people from different culture background. Personally, I think being with someone from a different country than yourself is quite amusing and interesting. It would never get boring, because of the differences in the 2 different countries, the culture, the language barrier, etc. interracial couple would always have something to giggle and laugh about. Also, the interracial couple can interact with other couples like them. It will certainly spread a positive effect on other people if a video like this talk about and share funny stories about each habit and manners and cultures from each country. However,  the video has also pointed out that sometimes interracial couples face some misunderstandings and little arguments, mostly because of the language barrier. Some couple in this video see this as a benefit because they can learn the other language, if you ever have children, they can be raised with more languages, we automatically get to know the other culture. It gives as the messages that all those great benefits can be a stressful disadvantage at the same time.

The level of difficulty of interracial marriages depends a great deal on the level of commitment, preparation, flexibility, patience, and effort of the people involved. The more of all of those things that are brought to the marriage, the less “difficult” it will be.

If you enter such a marriage without ever talking about ethnicity and culture with your intended, you are probably in for a bumpy road and difficult time. If you devote time and effort to understanding how your different ethnicities create different expectations of marriage and of the roles of each person in a marriage, you’ll be able to build a partnership that works for both of you. It also prepares each spouse to be able to run interference with their families of origin, in order to prevent unfair criticism from being leveled at their partners. That said, an interracial marriage can be a beautiful thing to experience. Aside from the benefits of companionship, affection, and care that are part of any marriage, interracial marriage brings a deep awareness of another culture, when done right.

Differences will eventually arise with every couple, but interracial couples have to deal with huge cultural differences that other couples do not have to. However, with a little patience and understanding, they will find that they can get past them. This is shown through interviews and online sources. All relationships will have bumps in the road, but how long they will last depends on how hard the partners are willing to fight.

References Stackman, V. R., Reviere, R., & Medley, B. C. (2016). Attitudes Toward Marriage, Partner Availability, and Interracial Dating Among Black College Students From Historically

Black and Predominantly White Institutions. Journal of Black Studies, 47(2), 169-192. doi:10.1177/0021934715623520

Videos of Interest

Yappie (Minutes 1:05-3:00)

Intercultural Miscommunication (Minutes 1:20-2:50)

[rissagomes]

A Warrior’s Vow, 2

Genre: Fantasy/Humor

Short Story - Complete

Previous Chapter

Rating : PG 13.

Wygar has lived through many things, but this latest was the worst of them all. He had lost his family, his friends, became trapped into this alternative realm who was seriously not the best one for his usually sunny disposition (because he was not grumpy, darn it) and now he had lost the last thing that he had left - his little human pet. Now, alone in a very threatening world, Wygar must decide whether he has had enough or if he still has a last quest on him.

Copyright © 2019 by Priscila Gomes Bandeira writing as Rissa Gomes. All rights reserved. This short story or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Chapter 2

The breeze brought a touch of water in its tendrils, the scent promising that rain wouldn’t take long to follow. Even as he appreciated the nice smell in the air, Wygar glared at the huge white rat that was now happily chewing on his cheese, seemingly without a care in the world. Stupid animal – how dare he steal from a grand warrior such as himself?

He ought to be offended, he was aware of that, even as he ran his fingers through his long grayish beard. If he was still living in Ascardia, the animal would have been killed and served as a meal for the warriors. There would be music and dance, a grand feast indeed.

Seemed to be a huge effort to kill the animal just to feed his own appetites – after all, there was no way he’d be able to eat all of it and most of the meat would go to waste, therefore it would just be cruel.

Besides, surely the animal was starving. If it had been difficult for him, who was gifted in many areas, to steal the food without either the humans or the other pets noticing, imagine for a little brainless thing such as this rat!

He could be generous, Wygar concluded, as he walked away from the food without a fight. After all, it wasn’t as if he was starving.

In fact, he was doing rather well. He had made himself quite the home in Verbera’s house – a comfortable bed made of some nice smelling leaves he found around her home, an old bone carved on the shape of a sword and a sharpened stone to be used as weapons if needed and if he needed water, the river was only a short breeze away.

So all in all, everything was working out… except for a very important thing.

His pet was still missing.

He didn’t understand how that could be, after all, Nephelle had been wounded. People would have noticed a wounded human female appearing out of nowhere, wouldn’t them?

Then again, there was an awful lot of human females around… and for some reason, a lot of them seemed to find themselves either sick or wounded and needing a healer.

So many, in fact, that he was starting to review his idea of living with a healer to start with. Why, if the human slept, Wygar hadn’t noticed. Even on the few hours that he needed to take his rest, the human was walking around, talking to the most different people and brewing weird – and often bad smelling – things on her large black pot.

Annoying, indeed.

Still, this healer seemed to be famous in the region, and he had noticed that many people with different accents would come to visit – so if his Nephelle needed aid, this woman was the one to go to. Which meant that moving away would be stupid.

Unless Nephelle was dead and all of this wait was sheer stupidity. He wondered sometimes.

It had been a month since he had first woken up in this hell land people called Philtria. It was so far away from his home, he couldn’t even begin to compare the two – and from what he had found, the people he had met, it was difficult to even believe that this place had once been the home of soft-hearted Nephelle.

What could be happening to his pet?

It had been a month, a long time for someone who had been as hurt as it clearly had been that day. Had it found treatment elsewhere? Had it died from its wounds?

Not that he was worried about Nephelle, far from it. In fact, if his pet had died, he was in the perfect place to get himself another. And he would, if he wished to do so. No problem.

Getting to his feet, Wygar left his home to wander around Verbera’s place, which was filled with a strong scent of echinacea’s roots. The woman was probably making some tea for the patients, as the spring had brought with it a harsh amount of cases of flu and bad colds. Still, he hated the scent, so he didn’t feel too badly for willing the breeze to send the smell away from him even as he walked towards the door of the house.

His plan was to head towards the tavern, which was about two breezes away from Verbera’s house. While it was quite farther away from where he was than he would have liked, Wygar still thought that the healer’s house was the best place for him to stay. People tended to talk a lot when they were burning with fever.

Or drunk.

He was about to slip through the door crack when he heard it.

Loud voices. People were arguing.

Who would argue with their healer? Wygar frowned. That didn’t look as if it was smart – you didn’t confront the person you needed to trust blindly to take care of you when you were at your weakest.

As the voices grew even more altered, Wygar found himself floating towards them, straining his ears to catch the words they were saying.

“That’s absolutely impossible, Alastair.” A woman’s voice that Wygar recognized as belonging to Verbera declared. “I refuse to do as you are asking of me.”

“It would be smart, my dear, for you to obey my commands. After all, what would the king should I, his most trusted man, tell him that I discovered the person still using magic? What he would do to you in case I pointed your way?”

“I only use magic to heal, as you well know.” Verbera hissed, glaring at the man in front of her. Wygar frowned, staring at it as well. The tall blond didn’t seem to have been taught any manners, much less the art of courting. What kind of man dared to behave that way to a lady, more than that, a lady who looked to be old enough to be his grandmother?

Where was the respect?

“And that, too, is considered a crime.” The man, Alastair, said with a soft smile that made him “Really, Verbera, I’m not asking for much. I know who is doing magic – I don’t think she’s doing this on purpose. I’m going to find her and teach how to control herself. If you think properly, I’m going to be helping her not to break the law – it’s a favor that I am doing.”

Verbera shook her head. “You know what I think about this law against practicing magic.” She walked back towards the stove and glanced at the black cauldron with that light smoke with that nauseous smell.

“Our King seems to like it enough,” Alastair slowly begun, being immediately interrupted by Verbera. Leaning forward, Wygar had to strain to catch their voices. It wouldn’t “Our King has no personality. He would put fire to the royal coffers if you told him to do that, and you know that well enough.” Her voice was hard, strong.

“That I do.” Alastair nodded in agreement, looking as if he was bored. Wygar had no doubt that the man was anything but bored – he looked like a fine snake, at ease even as he prepared to attack. “Then again, I only do it for the good of all.”

Verbera snorted. “Your Elle didn’t believe that.”

“Elle didn’t know what she was fighting then, but that’s no longer a worry. We had our disagreements but, at the end of the day, she loved me.”

“Did she?” Verbera’s voice was soft, its eyes twinkling with knowledge of the truth. Wygar found himself interested in what the female had to say. “Stop giving me this gospel you tell everyone. We both know that it isn’t the truth.”

“Elle didn’t know that she loved me, of course, but she did. Or she would, had she waited to see what I would become… but it doesn’t matters now. I broke her spell and now will be able to show the world all that could have been hers.”

“I don’t think she wanted it. Powers, riches… Elle didn’t seem to care about it at all. Why, in the short time we knew each other she seemed your perfect opposite.”

“Elle would have understood, in time. Some women need that, you know – time, to get to know her future husband. To understand what the wedding would be like, what would be expected of her… if she had had that time, I’m sure that we’d now be king and queen.”

Wygar wasn’t sure what to believe, but it seemed to him that this Elle, whoever it was, was a rather smart human to deny this man.

And a rather brave one to stand against it.

“But she’s not here, and now you want me to make some innocent drunk beggar look guilty of practicing magic?” Verbera scowled at him. “Do you understand that the King might order him killed for that?”

“You said yourself, he’s a drunk beggar. He’ll be dead soon enough from his drinking anyway.” Shrugging, Alastair lifted his eyes and met hers. “Better than some innocent that’s weaving magic without knowledge of doing so, with his or her whole life ahead of them be killed for an accident… Don’t you think?”

Verbera bit her lip and sighed. “The King won’t believe it. Didn’t you say that this magic has been happening at Airyll? Mitsuken it’s a good month away on foot and there’s no way that this man would have been able to get a horse.” With yet another sigh, she turned back to him. “You are asking me to incriminate an innocent man when just a bit of logic would be enough to convince the king that I was a liar and was guilty of treason.”

“Leave the King to me, my dear.” Leaning forward, Alastair’s eyes didn’t waver from Verbera’s. “Stay by my side, Verbera. Work with me, and I swear, nothing bad will happen to you. You’ll be able to keep living here, working however you see fit, with nothing to bother you.”

“Except for yourself.” The woman snorted and Wygar found himself smiling at the human. If he didn’t already have a pet, he might adopt this one – this woman’s spirit was strong, burning with fire behind its intelligent eyes.

“Now, I might pop back here once in a while, when I need help, but for the most I swear I’ll leave you in peace.” Lifting both hands, the man offered an oily smile to the woman. “What do you say?”

Verbera let out an angry sound before she agreed. “Fine. Bring the man, not like I have another choice, do I?”

“Now, my dear, you are starting to understand how things work around here…” With a smile that was downright predatory, the man nodded and walked away from Verbera towards the backdoor.

Shaking his head with disappointment at the human female, Wygar took the longer path out of its home on foot. He would leave through the same door he walked in – the front door, as any honored male would… And while magic would definitely speed things up, he didn’t want to risk that Alastair person finding out that he was there.

That, he thought as he crossed the living room in silence, was why he didn’t like the human race in general.

Where was the honor in threatening someone to do something for you? Nowhere, if you asked him. People, especially people that fell under your command had to trust each other intrinsically. Had to be able to blindly follow their leader, knowing that he only had their best interests at heart.

There wasn’t much honor in war, no, there wasn’t. As a warrior from the grand lugyeri race, he knew that maybe better than most. There were times in where, to end a conflict, he had to do things he was less than proud of.

Things he wished he could forget.

But that was the truth of war, many of the scars one carried were inside of themselves. As a warrior of the lugyeri race, he knew he needed to honor these scars by using them as a badge, as he would not be the same person he was today without them.

They had served their purpose of teaching him to be a better person, a better warrior.

Still, even when he had to do things that still shamed him, he had done them knowing that his commander had their beloved race’s best interests in mind. He had done that so other people wouldn’t have to, so his children and grandchildren could grow in a world that was just a little bit better than the one he had grown in.

And that, by itself, made those deeds a little bit more honorable.

Sliding beneath the door crack, Wygar decided to walk half the way towards the tavern and float the rest. It would make the path safer, even if that did mean he had to be on the watch out for animals hunting for a meal.

The thought of food reminded him that his meal of the day was now in the belly of that white rat. Glaring at his rumbling belly, Wygar took a deep breath and kept walking towards the tavern.  There would be food there, and he could surely find a safe place to sleep for the night.

It wouldn’t be safe to return to Verbera’s house that evening. He’d do so sometime tomorrow, and use his time this evening wisely listening to the drunk males tales.

He needed to find his pet. The same urge that told him it was alive, told him that the danger to it grew with every passing second. Each human he met in this world would confirm his fear – his pet wouldn’t survive long without his help. It might be a human as well, but he doubted it would have agreed to turn on the drunk so quickly as this Verbera woman had.

Which meant the man would have hurt it or killed it.

Feeling his heart racing inside his chest, he used the sudden burst of energy to summon the wind towards him – no, not a breeze. A strong one, the taste of water in the air told him he might have provoked a storm. No matter.

Surely the heavy water shower would serve as a cover for his wind magic.

The tavern was warm and loud, smelling strongly of sweat and alcohol. There was some food as well, Wygar thought, weaving through the breezes until he managed to bring the correct one to him. Taking a deep breath he sighed in appreciation – aw, fried chicken with apple pudding for dessert, a man had to take the time to enjoy the pleasures of life.

He was about to sneak inside the kitchen to make himself a plate when a man’s voice reached his ears.

“I swear it!” it slammed its huge fist on the table, drawing the attention of some of the other patrons. “There were three of them, I heard. Majken, over at Airyll a couple day’s ago.”

“Stop with the lies, Gilbert.” the man’s companion said as it bit into a succulent chicken’s wing that was making Wygar’s mouth water. “We all know this is impossible, as majken no longer exist. Lord Alastair hunted them all, remember?”

Another man laughed “I think someone skipped way too many classes at the school, William. Don’t mind him.”

“Well, I do mind. He’s my brother in law and if someone heard this, he could go to jail for telling lies—“

“It isn’t lies! I swear it!”

“Of course you do, pal.” The man said, clapping him on the shoulder with so much strength that Gilbert ended leaning forward. “Good ale makes a man swear to anything!” Laughing loudly, the man turned to the other one. “Don’t worry William, I doubt anyone would take him seriously while he’s in this state.”

The men grumbled amongst themselves and Wygar made a decision. He would follow this man around, see what he discovered. He remembered clearly Nephelle talking about majken and a war that lasted years to no end, a war against these creatures. Suddenly, their arrival in Philtria made more sense – as one such as himself would never believe in such a huge coincidence.

Yes, he needed to follow this man and discover what he knew. After all…

After all, he’d made a warrior’s vow and damn if he wouldn’t follow it through.

Continues...

[lulus-library-blog]

No title

            I look in the mirror and feel a torrent of bile rise up my throat. I hold it back, barley, and feel a terrible burn as I swallow. I force my eyes up one more time and look back into the mirror. My tears make the mirror look clouded, and I take a sigh of relief as my nerves calm and my stomach settles. I take a breath, like a baby breathing air for the first time, and go about my routine. I tie my hair back into a simple pony tail that keeps back the waves of doubt flooding into my mind. I apply makeup that helps mask my insecurities and the not too subtle features of who and what I once was. I shed my old clothes like my old life, and try to get comfortable with my new self. The new outfit is still lose and ill fitting, but I hope to grow into it soon. I look up and see a new person, someone I have dreamed about for years now. She is not all there yet but the reflection seems less misty than before. It will have to do for today, I suppose.

              The doorbell rings and I am shaken from my thoughts and quickly rush to the door. I’m unsurprised to see my best friend, Maggie, standing patiently, a kind smile on her face. I can’t help but smile back, her calmness an infection spreading through my body and into my heart. The panic and fear from only moments prior seem to vanish in her presence. She adjusts her worn-out leather jacket and awkwardly gestures to her car. I take one last nervous breath and stride out the door, my knees buckling with every step I took.

              The silence in the car is uncomfortable, but neither of us know exactly what to say. We’ve been Friend for years, but for the first time since we met an awkward, oppressive aura looms around. It feels like a piece of lead is laying on my chest, making me unable to utter a sound to help relive this growing dread.

              “So, uh…nice weather?” Maggie weakly says. I stifle a giggle, the ridiculous and out of place question helping ease the atmosphere a bit.

              “I guess so.” I say to her, “All I know is that my allergies have been trying to kill me the past week or so and nothing has helped much. ‘Nice’ isn’t the first word that comes to mind.” Maggie shrugs and smiles an easy going smile. I feel my heart once again lighten up and smile back. Maggie pats my shoulder and looks over to me, the car paused in time at a waiting red.

              “Lil…I know the past year has been super hard, but I want to say I’m proud of you. You very brave for coming this far on your own, you know?” I look away and shrug. I don’t feel that courageous. I can’t help but look back at the window, and see a stranger looking back. The reflection of the woman in the window still feels like a stranger to me, and I fear if I will ever get to know her. All I do is mumble a thank you and let silence fill the car again. The light turns green and life returns to the world, and once again we drive on until a typical, middle class suburban house comes into view.

              The car slows and I my heart races faster than ever before, my breath staring to come in gasps. The beat echoes in my ears and I hear nothing by the thump, thump, thump from in my chest. Maggie is talking again, but I can’t hear anything. I reach out for her hand and look into her eyes, her face becoming blurry and misty as tears cloud my own. She hugs me and pats my head. My heart slows and my breath steadies, life slowly returning and the numbness receding.

              “You okay?” Maggie asks, concern overriding the worry she has for me. I take a deep breath and try to catch some of the words that hung about in the air. Even if its borrowed courage, I can definitely use it now. I look into her eyes and see the reflection of the woman there. I smile and try to lie to them both.

              “I’m okay” I tell them. “I’m going to be okay.” I say to myself. Maggie walks me to my door and heads back to her car, pointing at her phone dramatically. I smile genuinely this time and nod, giving her a quick thumbs up. I turn back to the wooden door in front of me and swallow a scream in my throat. I ring the door bell and hear footsteps approach. The door opens and I see my brother for the first time in a long while. He doesn’t look all that different honestly. Still the same as he was back then with little changed. A kind of time capsule I can look back on and remember a less happy time. He looks at me like a strange. It takes a moment for recognition to register, and his face melts into a look on understanding, then rearranges itself into one of worry.

              “Lu…Lil! We, ah, didn’t know you’d be coming…” he managed to say. I shrug and try to put on my best fake smile.

              “Sorry for showing up out of the blue…are mom and dad home?” I ask, already sure of the answer.

              “Yea…yea the whole family is here. Are you sure you want to come in looking like, uh, that?” He gestured to the stylish heeled boots and up to the small flower hair clip I kept in my hair. I nod and he sighs, reluctantly letting me pass into my once familiar home. The smells of home drifted in the air and the feelings of safety lingered, like an almost forgotten name just on the cusp of a memory, trying its best to not be forgotten. Yet even tinged with this nostalgia, I can’t help but notice the eyes of the people around me, avoiding looking and heads turned slightly away. I bite back a scream and smile as best I could.

              “Hey everyone…I’m home.” I finally say after a few moments of hesitation. I walk over to my parents who were a moment ago talking loudly and happily to their guests, now stare at me with looks of dread and embarrassment. They remember their manners and eventually find the energy to stand and hug me, though I do not feel loving warmth in their arms. The silence of the house is defining, the eyes of everyone around all trained on me. I grab my arms to shield myself from them, but it’s useless. I fell naked and defenseless, all sense of the courage I had mustered till now slowly dripping off of me like a cold sweat. A cough from behind me caught everyone’s attention, and my brother had a bottle of wine in hand. The family rose and pass me, like I was a phantom that was not welcome in this home, and went to flood their questions away before they could their mouths. The only ones left were my mother and father, the only eyes left looking at me. I sat down opposite them and tried my best to seem like I know what I am doing, their gazes stabbing me in the heart. “So,” I say, “how have you two been?” They look at one another and sigh. My mother turns to me and smiles a very familiar one that I see too often in the mirror.

              “It’s been a rough year. Paying of loans for the new house down in Florida, making sure your grandmother is taken care of and happy, and a hundred other problems coming up. We manage but…unnecessary problems are always coming up, I guess.” She says, eyes fixed on mine. My heart clenches and I nod in agreement. She keeps trying to put on a brave face, but her façade falls short and she rushes to the other room to get a drink. My father sits quietly on the couch, all his attention fixed on a football game behind me.

              “How’s work Dad?” I ask, hoping some more small talk would alleviate this awkward loathing. Eyes now on the TV, he shrugs and says no more. I wait patiently for something else, but am left as disappointed as him. I sigh and get up and wander over to my old room, the rest of the gusts not bothering to look my way. It reeks of teenage awkwardness and of bitter memories from a time that would rather be forgotten. Yet as my fingertips touch my forgotten sanctuary, a pleasant nostalgia seeps like poison throughout my body, and soon I am numb with it. I lay on my old bed and look up at a familiar ceiling and close my eyes, a wave of exhaustion overcoming my mind.

I open my eyes to see daylight streaming into the window. I look around and there is no longer dust covering the furniture and the room looks new and well lived in. I sigh and feel tears trickling down my face, remembering when this was in my life. It is in this moment I remember the looks and smiles of my family and of what they hoped I would achieve one day. I remember looking into the mirror and wanting to smash the face I saw every day. I remember the fear and the hatred I had for myself. I realize how easy it would be just to end it all…rather than look at that face again. I feel a knife in my hand suddenly and look at the cold blade, seeing the face of a man I had wished to never see again.

I wake up with a start, a cold sweat breaking across my entire body. I look outside and notice everything was the same. My eyes were closed for but a moment, but I feel like it had been an eternity relived. I go to the bathroom and look up at my face, and see the woman I so wish to see. Her face is looking more familiar than before, and much clearer than a while back. I touch the mirror and smile a little, for the first time today a genuine one.  

              I take out my phone and type a few words to Maggie before returning to the main living room, the party back in full swing. I grasp the attention to those who refuse to see me with my presence, but ignore them and simply sit and wait.

              “So,” someone asks eventually, “how are things with you?” I notice they don’t say my name. I shrug and lean back in my chair.

              “Not too terrible. Treatment is expensive and everything, but I think it’s going well. What do you think?” They awkwardly nod and move to a new subject. I can’t help but smile at this and see my father not too happy with my answer. I look him in the eyes for the first time that day, and smile. He can only huff and goes back to watching his game, any chance of talking now forever lost to the screen.  

              The phone in my lap vibrates and I look down, another genuine smile appearing on my face. I stand up without a word and leave, the people around me who were before silent now curious very curious about me. I approach the door, but stop as I hear hurried footsteps behind me. Turning I see my mother, a look of concern I don’t think I had ever seen plastered on her face.

              “Where are you going?” she asks. I shrug and point to my phone.

              “Work called. Need to get back and write some things up for tomorrow.” The lie leaves my lips so easily, it feels oddly natural and right. I smile to my mother and shrug. “Don’t want to have any problems, right?” I open the door and start my walk out, when my mother grabs my sleeve and calls out.

              “Luis! Don’t turn away from me!” she yells. I stop in my tracks. A name that I had hoped died years ago had reared its ugly head again. I let the name hang in the air for a moment before turning to face my mother, and I see in her eyes the ghost of the man my family wish I could be. From the tiny gasp I hear escape her lips, I think she understands that Luis is dead and buried.

              “Bye Mom.” I say. I close the door gently behind me. I breathe the now night air and feel how cool it feels on my skin. It feels like I had never really breathed in real air, but the crispness of it all removes any numbness from my body. I walk a ways down the street until I see Maggie leaning against her car. I can’t help but think she looks cool in her rugged boots and worn leather jacket. The kind of woman I wanted to be since we met. Yet I look down at my own cute outfit and smile. This feels more right.

              “How’d it go?” Maggie asked. I shrugged and she smiled.

              “It was nice to say good-bye.” I replied. She nodded and pointed to the car with her thumb.

              “Want to get a burger? My treat.” She knows I won’t say no to free food, so I nod happily and get into the car, seatbelt already hooked in and a look of need before she even sits down. We speed of into the night and I look at my reflection of the window and see myself in the passing street lights. I feel like, for once, things might be okay.