#heres how nandermo can still win

[fandom-animals]

Guillermo tells Nandor about what happened and how he regrets it and Nandor uses his last wish for Guillermo to become human again and this is okay w Guillermo that way Nandor can bite Guillermo and it won't be an issue and this time the transformation works I'll solved it guys :D

[imdayyydreaming]

wwdits season 6: why laszlo's science experiments might just be a metaphor, and how they've hidden the cure to vampirism in plain sight (or here's how everyone will find a beautiful existence, eternal or not)

laszlo's science experiments largely failed. by the end of the season, he had come nowhere near figuring out why guillermo's transformation had been stymied or how to complete it, even though the real answers were so simple.

but one experiment didn't fail, and that was using guillermo's sweat to go out into the sun and survive. guillermo's sweat stopped the sun from taking full effect on vampiric skin, and here was our first hint. here, also, is what laszlo did right. guillermo's sweat had this property, not because he wasn't a full vampire, but for the reason he wasn't a full vampire: his van helsing dna.

laszlo, by using guillermo's sweat, began to understand that it had a property to fight off the vampirism of his undead skin enough for him to survive, even though his skin did still burn. so, if merely applying guillermo's sweat could allow a vampire to defy their nature and go out in to sunlight, what could a stronger substance do? a substance like blood?

so, this is what i think. guillermo's van helsing blood, if enough is taken in, could be the cure to vampirism. it would reverse all vampiric properties until none remained. sure, guillermo eventually did turn, but his body put up a good fight against it and it only happened after guillermo had actively drunk human blood.

the vampires, particularly nandor, seem to be tiring of vampirism. he arranged for guillermo to be given a choice, one that it has been heavily implied he was not given with "vampirism is a curse", etc, etc. so if the direction of the show is not for guillermo to become a vampire, it might just be for nandor to become a human.

nandor, who has seen laszlo experimenting all season. nandor, who saw laszlo restore life to colin robinson after all his energy was drained. here's where the metaphor comes in- it's laszlo's energy transfer machine.

it can transfer the energy to bring someone back to life, but it cannot bring back the person who transferred the energy and died as a result. therefore, laszlo cannot make someone a full vampire through science (bringing back someone already dead at the hands of the machine) but he sure as hell can bring any other dead person back to life, and so can reverse vampirism with his experiments.

so, i think we're going to see nandor become further disillusioned with an eternal existence pretty much straight away in season 6. it's as the baron said- "with the right company, it can be beautiful". nandor will not have the right company. nandor will not have guillermo, who he gave the choice to become human again to. as we expected, we saw nandor remove guillermo's vampirism, but against what we all thought, he didn't do it out of spite and instead did it out of love.

this is just going to grow in season 6. nandor and guillermo's relationship will finally get the chance to blossom when nandor asks the question that season 5's ending made inevitable: if not to become a vampire, why are you staying? guillermo's answer will be because they are a family. he loves all the vampires, wants to be close with them, no matter whether he is human or vampire. but the one he loves the most is actually nandor.

at this point, or maybe sometime before, nandor will realise exactly how much love he holds for guillermo and exactly what type of love that is. this will be the final catalyst to him realising that he no longer wants to be a vampire. he wants to spend the rest of his existence with guillermo, but most importantly, he just wants to be a human again.

then, he is going to laszlo, who will eventually realise that guillermo's blood is the cure. guillermo will give his blood to nandor to drink, only after making absolutely sure that nandor is making a decision he truly wants to make. in other words, giving nandor a choice in becoming human that he never got when he was turned into a vampire. the same choice nandor gave him. here, we will see them truly equal.

they will be humans, together, going out into the world and no longer existing in the shadows. nadja and laszlo will likely stay vampires- they do have the right company that the baron described, and the only time nadja showed an inclination to have anything other than immortality was when she was ignored by laszlo. the vampiric lifestyle suits them perfectly. nandor and guillermo, not so much.

this way, everyone gets their happy ending, and the show can conclude. this way, everyone has an existence, whether eternal or not, that they see as beautiful, in or out of the shadows.

[barren-heart]

Exactly 😏

The year is 2024. It’s election night. Nandermo becomes canon, but only in Spanish.

[sunny-superstar]

HERES HOW NANDERMO CAN STILL WIN

•Jerry

[whomstwedointheshadows]

Season 6 Nandermo Prediction: Monty Python to Seinfeld to the Office Finale

In Honor of Reality TV House Flippers, I Present Vampires in Court TV

*CRACK ATTACK*

To honor Serial Killer Guillermo and the show subverting the reality/ sit-com format, I need the Staten Island Gang questing to face off the Big Bad. The Big Bad has a Network. They track them down, expanding their own territory, nutty vampire death sentences and leaning in to dark humor. Gore, bodies, glory everywhere. Evidence to one former familiar, everywhere, as vampires now help with cleaning up as as they are more equal in the house.

The Big Bad is revealed to be a holy terror and also cute as a bloodthirsty bunny. Bunnicula, the Big Bad, if you will.

See Murder Husband dream fighting together, Guillermo pledging to do whatever it takes to survive and come home together, overcoming this comically adorable foe. The fight is more glamor shots, inspiring questions of fan service and striking home Yes This Is Homoerotic and Camp until they win, plot feels rushed to audience but it’s clearly just a set up for Big Confession Time. Obviously they are Fully Realized and Ready for It, now show us!!

Vampires done vamping with the fallen head home, masses of dead-dead/undead cut up, ready for further dumping. Incriminating, but just the usual work for a familiar now shared. Matching gore and relief for Nandor and Guillermo, a picture of intimacy.

All these dead in the name of Flirting, they openly acknowledge, laugh together. Nandermo is here, the scene is tipping in to a Big Confession, Big Kiss… something…

In swarm the police, Humans, incongruous immediately with sense of culmination of fifteen years of pining. Trucks, helicopters, tanks against stakes. Completely lost the romance, dark humor into a Gritty True Crime NARRATIVE.

Narration of Colin Robinson expressing ACAB, but an energy vampire has to feed, won’t it be great when this airs? First acknowledgment the footage is broadcasting somewhere and he feeds from the viewer.

Too tired to kill them all, too many to immediately hypnotize. Nandor bats, at Guillermo insistence, now begins comical on-the-run and hypnosis witness tampering from the vampires. Wackiness includes decorating courtroom based on family side, sculpture and blood fountain delivery… but Guillermo somehow gets one day house arrest with his mother, Nandor does his best to arrange a tender Spa Day and they’re summoned back to night court. Night Court is of course, more nebulously supernatural and quickly kicks out of Mortal Prison into Farce with Consequences.

Mainly: Can someone explain the relationship of a rampaging slayer to his vampire former-master-warlord as they’re claiming new territory? How safe is the wider supernatural community, and are they like, a new conquering force or …another Thing? What to do about this?

Return of lawyer Lazlo, reference to hating the English during all the court proceedings (and damn isn’t this the ending of Monty Python and the Holy Grail? Seinfeld? -that was only because they were cowards that ran out of budget or wouldn’t get characters together, classic comedy half hours end with a wedding), public acknowledgement Guillermo’s a fucking slayer/serial killer to Silvia de la Cruz, seemingly friendly with Nandor and show of being peaceful amongst the crowd of supernaturals and, rather than fury of a Van Helsing, she shares she knew Memo had it bad for his boss. (Clearly, the Slayer bloodline doesn’t activate into killer mode, or is more controlled, when she understands them and isn’t surprised.)

Cue talkback scenes about an effing clip show in court as evidence, Nadja mostly focused on famous like OJ and explaining the web of who was horny when because what when presented with evidence, wearing matching wigs with Lazlo. Mimics Office Finale allowing for further commentary, still centered around present character interests. Definitely charting the course of Nandermo, getting more off camera stories of observing the Pining. Murder is framed in the context of caretaking and making Nandor horny, like they’re going out of their way to explain (to Silvia?) how involved her son is in their unit and vampire relations. Also, he’s a badass so no one fucks with him or those under his protection. Thank g- there’s this badass footage that doesn’t show Memo in too much danger or really, really hurt.

Cross examination of Nandermo by Lazlo, first kiss revealed years ago off screen, fucking all season, I love you’d exchanged but ‘I’ll be with you forever, whatever it takes’ WAS exchanged in the previous episode before battle, thus honeymoon glow and downright joyous-sexually charged battle.

Lawyer Lazlo: Do you think we have a fucking documentary crew and now we worry about courtrooms? Gizmo killed a theatre of vampires to save us and we took over the fucking council. Yes, we’re callous, we’re cruel, we’re insensitive to mortal and immortal suffering if it doesn’t concern ourselves. We’re killers, including our dramatic slayer here who’s the youngest but catching up on body count, and we’re a family. We love each other. We will protect each other. We’ll end anything that gets in our way, whatever it takes. Nandor, you’re up.

Nandor: *to put a button on the unable to drink blood, totally able to slay Guillermo arc, see previous fights up to Bunnicula, reference to be together forever, whatever it takes.*

Obviously Nandor has already discussed a big celebration for a possible yet-not-planned turning, but Guillermo suggested simple and ‘like a courthouse wedding, yes’ - Both understand the offer is on the table and Guillermo just says when he’s ready, and it’s okay if that turns out to be never. His hesitation has remained his ties with his Mom. It’s yes to all his life with Nandor, vampirism second concern when he’s accepted and ready as he can be for the consequences, specifically loosing his mom, who is not brain scramblie’d and here today, seeing all of Guillermo and his vampires.

Nandor, a strategist: welcome to our wedding!! Look at the public awe of your many conquered foes! You’re so amazing as a warrior and my closest friend. I am PROUD for EVERYONE to know you’re incredible and I’m head over heels for you, forever. Everyone includes your mom, as my family too, who is not killing all vampires on sight now! And everyone knows if they fuck with your vampire or slayer family, we’ll kill them and enjoy it together! Do you appreciate my intricate ritual of planning a wedding after you went and said yes to forever before I could propose after our many escalating battles together?

Guillermo: so, even with the documentary crew, we’ve always kept our intimacy for us. Yes, it was kinda toxic, but Nandor is my idiot, except when he’s a genius. And it feels good. To be proud of us. They celebrated me. So, let’s party.

Cut to everyone dirty, raunchy dancing, sloppy kissing, exceedingly graphic reception cut for rating. New glitter portrait of vampiric Nandor and Guillermo, kissing, sparkly bare chests in the Tigris, captioned ‘Honeymoon’

___

++Would love to see a parallel for the death of the historian in Monty Python leading to an arrest of King Arthur/Knights and the dead camera crew members leading to excessive workplace safety fines being the only lasting damage determined by the court.

+++Collin Robinson is somehow working for the prosecution, a corporate media outlet, and as expert testimony. No one is ever clear what the ‘trial’ actually is, he’s just fond of objections. Framing moves from court tv to royal wedding coverage, slowly edging the viewer wanting Nandermo confirmation about [yes, that is a glitter portrait from Nandor to Guillermo on 10 anniversary as master and familiar and here’s another one from later on their second anniversary.. of what? Well, how one can define a relationship is complex… oh! Let’s go frame by frame on these clips of their hands! ] confirming the bigger picture, Has segments devils advocating himself against Nancy Grace angry emotional vampire.

*** this is specifically a Crack!fic ideas playing with the idea all of Nandermo must be on camera, the viewer is primed for the next big step to be a confession or kiss, but what if we just jump straight to just married the dirty grinding, sloppy drunk kissing in public with all your family watching. Strikes me as a f-you to all the sweet chaste network gays, this is the suck and fuck show, babe

**** this is also a subversion of Guillermo resolving his arc as a vampire, having to be ‘ruthless’ enough, instead it’s about being assured in himself, what he wants, and cherished by those he loves. His found family accepting and making space for his family, because they care about his decisions and maybe he doesn’t have to choose, so they try. He’s gained the confidence in himself and is celebrated, welcomed, and supported by those he loves.

*****Listen, Nandor, was it kind of toxic to let your boyfriend get arrested and did you maybe plan a slaying rampage for the ‘gram- no one can quite prove, but good thinking if it was spur of the moment after the arrest, it tracks that a former warlord would yell about how awesome his spouse is and don’t fuck with us so they can have a bubble of peace due to the terror

[leafatlaw]

ok so so hear me out, Guillermo is happy in his relationship(as far as we know) but in order for Nandermo to become cannon they have to break up at some point. However because Guillermo is happy with Freddie there has to be a valid reason for the break up or else it wouldn’t make sense for it to happen. And furthermore if Freddie was to simply die (by Nandor or otherwise) it wouldn’t be fulfilling. So what I’m saving is Freddie’s probably a vampire hunter and is going to try to kill the vamps which will then lead to Guillermo dumping his ass.

[atomicrebelomega]

Hey everyone is this funny?

[mysweetcheesemygoodtimeboy]

NO BUT if it’s Nandor who’s at the altar and he’s marrying someone else we could get a dramatic scene of Guillermo crashing the wedding being like I OBJECT and then some feelings would have to be confessed 👀👀

[diamondcitydarlin]

hey yall, bear in mind that even if nothing concrete happens with Nandermo tonight that absolutely does not imply that nothing romantic will ever happen, case closed, because we do after all have another season that is currently in production as I type this post, and I feel rather confident in assuming probably several more seasons after that, their dynamic has already been defined as a slow-burn / will-they-won't-they, with het examples from TV such as Sam/Diane in Cheers, Jim/Pam in The Office, Eleanor/Chidi in The Good Place, Joey/Rachel in Friends, etc, it's a very common trope, a popular choice in television writing for how it can hook viewers in for an extended, almost indefinite period of time across episodes and seasons. I of course understand the frustration in the baiting-and-switching of possible non-het couples in countless popular fandoms and titles, because yes, of course that is a thing- flirting with the possibility of representation without actually ever giving it so as to wring the fans for views/money/engagement and keep systemic prejudice among the executives, network shareholders and so forth happy, I'm not gonna even try to gaslight anyone on that as someone who moves in these entertainment worlds and has seen it firsthand.

but also, this show is different and I think out of fairness to the writers and producers, directors, y todos involved in the making of this show, it warrants keeping in mind that the writing has already gone leaps and bounds in terms of representation in comparison to most mainstream tv shows. I can't, for example, think up off the top of my head another show that has made four of the main cast openly, vividly, unashamedly pansexual in both term and lifestyle. I can't think of another show that has featured a human guy topping a BDSM vampire at a blood orgy for a good minute or so of screentime (I think everyone forgot about Jeremy and Constantine. I think they're boyfriends now and will one day go on a double-date with nandermo, mark my words. anyway, that's a different post)

so, it's definitely not like this is a show that would shy away from Nandor and Guillermo being together romantically, at least not for nefarious reasons (that I can think of). But mostly, on a personal note, I think the foreshadowing and subtext of this season has been pretty clear in terms of laying groundwork for a romantic relationship to be the payoff-

but whether it'll happen TONIGHT? Eh. I think a step forward will be taken or a boundary broken or something along those lines, but I don't and have not anticipated that they will, like, officially become boyfriends in this episode. Still think they're ultimately destined for each other though, but I've been confident of that since Guillermo's first breakdown in Citizenship tbh lol. Anyway, there's time.

But honestly like...if I HAD to choose between idk Nandermo kiss and Colin definitively coming back from the dead in this ep, I'd choose the latter. My heart is still shATTERED.

[gertyorkess]

currently thinking about how this season is going to be about guillermo learning how to find himself and explore his slayer skills more and learning how to separate himself apart from just being nandor’s familiar and the episode called farewell and how it’s the second to last episode and the way that there’s still members of the vampiric council out there and here’s how we have can a direct parallel to s2 with the vampires saving guillermo

[ineffably-human]

Here There Be Leaks And I'm Losing My Mind

Someone has blessed us with NEW LEAKED CONTENT in this S4-deprived drought. For anyone who hasn't seen it (I found out on a server, haven't even seen what the tags are saying about it yet if anything), please view the video here and/or read the transcript here, then return to me so I can scream and flail about this below the cut:

So here's what I'm noticing in all this:

Guillermo still calls Nandor 'Master'

Guillermo is referred to as a familiar and the script doesn't have him correcting

he has 'a shrewd and incisive mind for penis stuff' alsjhflashf YEAh he does or maybe just Nandor's penis stuff

Nandor is still insecure about the funeral I see

Nandor had male wives!!!

Nandor goes out of his way to thank Guillermo in great detail, like far more than is necessary, and more than the genie who is the one granting the freaking wish

Which tracks with the Freddie leaks, I think: that Nandor is going out of his way to be a good friend to Guillermo, who appreciates him and is in his corner. More than we saw even post-s3 and the fight - Nandor is giving strong consideration to Guillermo's feelings and well-being, more than we've ever seen before. I wonder if he has feelings for Guillermo at this point, or if something's prompted him going this extra mile.

This line also makes me feral:

"You know, I teach lessons in desire, greed, et cetera by fucking with the wishes from these so-called 'masters' but you two bested me."

This makes space in the dialogue solely to say something very telling: the genie sets people up to fail by taking advantage of their greed. But as a team, Nandor and Guillermo are successful. Nandor's greed can't be turned against him in this situation because Guillermo is there, because Nandor needs Guillermo to be at his best. Like, y'know, a spouse.

I know how fandom is, and I know Paul Simm had that line in interviews about how "this season is going to be about, instead of Nandor looking for love, his already having found it." And I know some of you will think it's gonna be this woman he's looking for, like suddenly a spouse for Nandor who's perfect for him is gonna appear out of nowhere and nothing is going to go wrong. And like...no. No, the love he's found is Guillermo, guys. I'm sure.

Taking a look at the leaks we have so far: we have Guillermo dating elsewhere (I feel like that's gonna come in the first few episodes because Freddie is someone Guillermo clearly met in England), Nandor dating elsewhere, the whole Richie Suck thing which is about a different form of master-familiar relationship, and I think that's in just the first few episodes. Both the Freddie scenes and the looking-for-a-wife conversation take place with Guillermo and Nandor attached at the hip. (Think about 'Gail' where we never see them talk to each other. I still have no idea if Gail knows who Guillermo even is.) And the praise! And the teamwork!

I am so very, very sure Nandermo is being positioned as the love Nandor already has. The relationship we're meant to root for.

Between being apart and coming back together, experimenting with other people becoming important in their lives, the stuff we know we're getting about Guillermo's look into his heritage and biological family - the main through-line we're getting is going to be about Nandor and Guillermo navigating what they are to each other, and realizing what they have in each other. We can only win there.

[lonelyrat15]

replacing my nandermo clown makeup with my “here’s how marwa can still win” conspiracy hat

[poordearthing]

every night for the last week as I'm going to sleep my brain is going "here's how Bernie can still win" but with nandermo

[guacamoleravioli]

here’s how nandermo can still win

[chelsfic]

Unseemly Desire, or Nandor's Season of Self-Discovery - Nandor x Guillermo Fanfic

Sequel to I Fell into Fantasy | WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: In which Nandor tries to convince everyone, including himself, that he does not have any unseemly feelings for his familiar. 

A/N: I couldn't decide on a serious title or a goof title, so I went with both. Thanks so much to Spiff from the Nandermo server for helping me workshop this idea. After I wrote "I Fell into Fantasy" I just kept thinking about how Nandor would spin into denial and the angst that would ensue. Then I woke up this morning with the idea of an axe throwing competition?? And now we're here?

Oh, yeah....this is a multi-chapter fic *flops around the floor helplessly*

Warnings/Tags: Angst, mutual pining, Eventual smut, Blood drinking, Toxic Masculinity in the Ottoman Empire, Repressing feelings, Axe throwing...the usual

---

Nandor wakes to the sound of his familiar quietly shuffling about the crypt, no doubt lighting the dozens of candles that line the room. The vampire shifts inside his coffin, frowning at the sticky feel of dried seed on the inside of his trousers. He’d gone to bed that morning with a powerful desire still coursing through his veins along with Guillermo’s sweet, virgin blood. The mere memory of last night’s feeding is enough to stir him once more and he growls, driving the heel of his palm against his crotch to stifle his reaction.

“Master? Are you alright?” Guillermo’s voice is sweet and tentative.

“I’m fine! Why would you ask such a thing?” he snaps irritably, then in a softer voice, “Is it safe to open my coffin now, Guillermo?”

In answer Guillermo cracks the lid, easily lifting the solid weight after years of practice. His master sits up quickly, tugging at the bottom of his loose nightshirt in an effort to cover the obvious stain on the front of his pants. 

“Good evening, master,” Guillermo greets with his usual respectful subservience. 

Good. Perhaps he won’t have to work too hard at reestablishing the boundaries he’d so savagely torn down the night before. It’s imperative that Nandor reminds his familiar of his place within the household and, especially, within their...relationship. His reaction to drinking Guillermo’s blood was shameful and he does not want his familiar getting any high ideas about a romance with his master. 

He knows--how could he not?--of Guillermo’s inappropriate attraction to him. He hears the way the human’s heartbeat races whenever they are physically close. He sees the secret grins on Guillermo’s lips when Nandor does anything the least bit kind. But a romantic relationship between a vampire and a familiar? Yeeck! It’s just not done. Of course, he considered the sex slave option when this unnatural lust first manifested. Other vampires make such arrangements with their familiars. But Guillermo would want more. He would want snuggles and romance and caring and...maybe even a break from his chores?! And the idea of using Guillermo for sex, while appealing, also causes him to feel a burning, stabby pain in his chest that he can’t identify.

No, it is better that he keep things strictly professional. A master and his servant. Nothing more.

Nandor finally steels himself to look up at his familiar, keeping his face a cold, forbidding mask.  And then he sees the massive bruise on Guillermo’s neck.

It’s an angry, deep purple that extends from his jaw down the side of his neck and beneath the collar of his fuzzy sweater. Two scabbed puncture wounds sit in the center of the damage, like demon eyes looking back at Nandor accusingly. He sucks in a breath and involuntarily reaches out to brush his fingers against the wounded skin. Guillermo flinches away from the touch with a pained mew.

“It’s just...tender, master,” Guillermo explains, almost apologetically. 

Nandor can’t think straight. His eyes, liquid and deep, full of some unnameable emotion, focus on the damage he’s caused. How many dead bodies has he tossed aside without a qualm? How many bruises and bites and broken bones has he caused? But he’s never seen the results on someone he--

“I...Guillermo,” he whispers, finally locking eyes with his human and bringing his hand up to cup his cheek, “I did not mean to be causing permanent damage…”

Guillermo gasps softly at his master’s touch. He leans into it, silently thrilling when Nandor doesn’t immediately draw his hand away.

“Permanent? No, master, it’s just a bruise. It will fade eventually,” Guillermo assures him, but Nandor still looks skeptical.

“Does it hurt?” he asks and Guillermo brims with happiness at his master’s concern.

“Only a little bit, Na--master,” Guillermo stumbles, nearly breaking the carefully established protocol between them. 

Nandor notes the mistake and snatches his hand away as if he’s been burned by holy water. He clambers out of the coffin without Guillermo’s assistance. They go through the motions of dressing. Nandor bends down so that Guillermo can get his shirt on over his head, steps into his trousers and boots, and sits quietly while Guillermo arranges his hair. All the while a single word cycles through his head.

Fuck!

---

Guillermo is practically buzzing with energy despite last night’s blood loss. Every time he moves he feels a delicious tug on his wound and the memories of his master’s touch come flying back to the surface of his mind. He doesn’t even care that Nandor dismissed him so abruptly after getting dressed. Nor does he care that he gave him a seemingly random and unnecessary order before fleeing the crypt in his bat form. Guillermo sits on the floor surrounded by his master’s extensive blade collection, carefully cleaning and polishing each one with a giant, goofy grin on his face.

---

“Well, well, well...doing the flight of shame, Nandor?” Laszlo chuckles at his own joke as Nandor drops out of his bat form into a chair in the fancy room. 

“Very good joke, darling! Because he’s finally given the sex to Gizmo!” Nadja crows.

The couple are sitting together in the loveseat. Laszlo is bent over Nadja’s hand, painting her nails and heedlessly dripping lacquer all over the upholstery as he does so.

Nandor’s face blanches in alarm and he cries, “What the shit are you two talking about!? I have not been doing sex with Guillermo! Yuck! Unspeakable! Why would that even occur to you?”

“Me thinks he doth protest too much, eh, darling?” Laszlo remarks to another shriek of laughter from his wife.

Nandor jerks to his feet, bristling and defensive, but before he can think of a reply Laszlo continues, “Well if you weren’t having sex then what the blazes were you doing to the chap to cause those tantalizing moans?”

With this Laszlo launches into a cartoonish impression of the desperate cries and moans that Guillermo made as Nandor drank from him. Nadja claps her hands in delight and joins in the fun. The pair of perverts are soon screeching and twitching in exaggerated, obscene mockery of his familiar.

“Enough!” Nandor roars, stomping his foot petulantly. “Stop speaking of my familiar this way! It’s highly inappropriate!”

“So, you’re saying you didn’t roger your little rotten soldier last night?” Laszlo arches a brow, snorting under his breath derisively. 

Nandor stares back at him in confusion, “What the fuck--?! No! Certainly not. Very...disgusting to even say such a thing. Gross!”

Laszlo glances to Nadja with a sly smirk as he speaks, “Then you wouldn’t mind if my good lady wife and I extended an invitation to the fellow to join us in a ménage à threesome?”

Nandor takes to the air, eyes glowing with rage as he hisses wildly at Laszlo.

“Hey dudes, what’s all the fuss about?” Colin Robinson, drawn by the pulsing waves of drama emanating from the room, appears in the doorway.

Nandor drops back onto his feet and whines, “Laszlo is making unsavory claims about my familiar and I won’t have it!”

“Nandor’s being a snake dick because he’s horny for his familiar and won’t admit it!” Nadja counters. 

Nandor’s mouth snaps shut at that. Nadja’s words have struck true and Nandor feels a shiver of panic at the thought of his shameful secret being known throughout the household. He must convince them they’re mistaken...but how? 

He’s still too enraged to think straight and rather than address Nadja’s words he simply bellows, “Satisfaction! I will have satisfaction against these two perverts!”

Colin grins, his eyes lighting with hungry delight, “How about a contest of some sort? Whoever wins is right. Of course, you should choose a neutral activity. Something in which you’re all equally matched. A checkers tournament? Scrabble, maybe…”

“A contest! Yes!” Nandor interrupts with an excited grin. “A challenge of strength and accuracy! Guillermo! Bring me my axes for throwing! My throwing axes!”

Nadja rolls her eyes and looks about to argue when Laszlo stops her with a hand on her arm.

“I say, good idea, Nandor. We’ll compete in a game of throwing axes. But to prove that you really are telling the truth and you don’t harbor secret, moist fantasies about your little familiar, we’ll make it more interesting. Whoever gets their axe closest to Gizmo without skewering the little guy wins!”

Nandor deflates, “That’s not...I don’t…”

Guillermo enters carefully holding a bundle of wickedly sharp axes. The blades shine in the candlelight and contrast against the soft, muted colors of his sweater. Nandor imagines one of those blades sinking into his familiar’s soft flesh and he shivers. 

Laszlo looks as if he’s already won the little game he’s playing and Nandor clenches his fists, forcing levity into his voice as he announces, “Everyone in the garden! We are going to have a little game!”

---

Guillermo can’t decide if he’s more livid or terrified. He’s standing up against the fence, shivering despite his hat and coat, and desperately trying to hold still as his master casually tests the weight of the axe in his hand. Nadja and Laszlo look on, each carrying axes of their own, and Colin Robinson looks positively frenzied as he feeds off the tension in the air.

“Master, why are we doing this, again?” Guillermo wishes his voice didn’t have such a marked tremor in it.

“I am defending your honor, Guillermo. Now be very, very still,” Nandor launches the axe without any further warning. 

Guillermo shrieks and he feels the air to the right of his head part as the blade sinks into the wood of the fence an inch away from his face. He turns to stare at the quivering handle with wide, horrified eyes.

“There!” Nandor announces with a smug smile. “No one could beat such a throw! Contest over, I win. Guillermo, attend me--”

Nandor is already starting to stride back to the house but Guillermo barely has a chance to let out a relieved sigh when Laszlo steps up wielding his own weapon. 

“Not so fast, Gizmo! I’ll have my turn, thank you!” his voice lilts up dramatically as he raises the axe, screwing one eye shut and taking aim.

Nandor whirls, eyes wide with panic as he urgently hisses, “Be still, Guillermo!”

Guillermo shuts his eyes, whimpering as he awaits his fate. One second Laszlo is letting out a manful bellow as the axe leaves his fingers and the next second Guillermo is hissing in pain as the blade cuts into his cheek. His eyes flash open in shock and he brings his hand up to cup his face. Blood pours from the shallow wound. The pain is a sharp, burning intensity that brings tears stinging to his eyes.

“Ha!” Nandor gloats. “You’ve lost! Your blade touched...him.”

Laszlo swears under his breath but Nandor has lost his steam as the reality of his words hits him. He steps forward, involuntarily reaching for his wounded familiar. Then he catches the knowing look on Laszlo’s face and he stops himself, straightening his spine and raising his head in a show of haughty indifference that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“My turn!” Nadja trills, flipping her axe from hand to hand with a little skip in her step. 

“Master… please!” Guillermo begs. There are tears leaking from his eyes now. Whatever fucking insult Nandor thinks they made against him isn’t worth this!

“Yes, Nandor, the boy has a point. My lady wife is known for many...eclectic skills, but her aim isn’t one of them. We could put a stop to this if you’d care to admit we’re right about your shameful little secret…”

“Never!” Nandor shouts, looking like a giant, angry toddler.

Guillermo’s head spins, “What? What is he talking about, master?”

Nandor turns to his familiar, injecting authority into his voice as he commands, “Guillermo, tell Nadja and Laszlo that we were not doing sex together last night!”

“E-excuse me!?” Guillermo sputters, feeling a heated blush creep up his neck.

Nandor lets out a frustrated growl and his lips curl in revulsion as he shouts, “Tell them that I did not have disgusting, unnatural sex with a...a...human servant! I order you!”

The hand he’s kept clutched over the bleeding wound on his cheek falls limp at his side. Guillermo looks from his master’s cold, detached expression to Nadja and Laszlo’s expectantly curious faces and he sighs in resignation even as another tiny piece of his heart chips and falls away.

“...He didn’t,” he says in a small voice and then, more loudly, “We did not have sex.”

Laszlo looks unconvinced and Nadja just looks annoyed.

“This is getting very boring and I still have not had my turn to throw the axe! Here I go!”

She flings the blade through the air with barely a glance in Guillermo’s direction. It wobbles in the air, toppling end over end as it cuts a deadly path that Nandor immediately sees will end in his familiar’s gut. Guillermo has barely enough time to flinch but Nandor moves with supernatural speed, dashing in front of his human and plucking the axe from the air before it can hurt him.

“Nadja!” Nandor admonishes in an affronted tone. “That was very careless of you! You could have seriously injured my Gui--my familiar! I’m very annoyed with you both!”

Guillermo trembles from behind Nandor, clinging to the fabric of his cape for comfort despite the anger, hurt and resentment that still broils just beneath the surface of his emotions. He’ll deal with all that once his legs resolidify.

Laszlo waves away the near-catastrophe with a flick of his wrist and holds out his arm for Nadja as he comments, “I think we have our answer, darling…”

Nandor’s hands curl into fists at his sides as he watches the other vampires stroll away with smug satisfaction on their faces.

Fucking shit!

---

“Guillermo…” Nandor pauses on his way up the step stool, he squeezes his familiar’s hand in his. “About tonight…”

He’s going to apologize for putting me in danger...for saying those things… Guillermo looks up at him with hopeful expectation in his eyes.

“I hope you are not getting strange notions in your little human brain because of what Laszlo said. It was very wrong of him to make such a sickening claim,” Nandor’s voice is pure condescension.

Guillermo is silent for a beat, swallowing against the lump of emotion in his throat and blinking his eyes rapidly before looking his master in the eye and lying, “Of course not, master.”

Nandor nods in satisfaction and he swings down into his coffin. But he tastes the edge of human sadness beginning to taint the air of the room and he frowns. Hadn’t this whole mess started because he was trying to get rid of the sad human smell? He is caught in one of those hog day loops!

Nandor hesitates, scowling as he chooses his words, “But… I am sorry about the axes. It wasn’t my idea. And… and… I would have been really sad if you had died, because you’re...special to me, Guillermo.”

Nandor lets the words hang in the air for a moment, watching the start of a smile curling his familiar’s lips before shaking his head and waving a hand in front of Guillermo’s face in a flourish, “You will forget about that last thing I just said.”

[boylikeanangel]

and I'm gonna clarify a few things before I get a load of "um actually"s in the notes and my inbox lol.....I'm sort of willing to give season 4 somewhat of a pass for not explicitly building up nandermo because they started shooting it before nandermo really blew up proper in the fandom, so any decisions they'd made in terms of nandor and guillermo's relationship developing were already stuck by the time they realised just how much people wanted them to get together. that's not really my issue tho. my issue is that now they do know how much people want it, and they are explicitly using that almost as a means of comedy?? in interviews?? like I'm sorry but simms saying he doesn't know whether they're teasing nandermo or not.....that is textbook queerbaiting and the only reason people aren't so willing to see it as such is because it's coming from this show in particular. like I'm sorry but can you fucking imagine the outrage if another show spent two seasons having one male character become more and more explicitly in love with another and have it alluded to many times that those feelings might be requited, or that their arcs set them up to be soulmates, and have other characters assume theyre in a relationship, only for that 2 season arc to end with the other guy getting married to some woman they introduced halfway through the show? and this isn't me necessarily saying they did all that consciously - in fact I'd go as far to say the writers have no idea what they've written looks like such a big deal, all they care about is if it's funny! - just that the fans have picked up on a lot of subtext, been extremely vocal about how they think it's building to something, and then the guys in charge have seen that and decided to capitalise on the popularity of those theories by teasing about it in interviews. and that's a problem in an of itself. either they are or they aren't building up to nandermo and by refusing to acknowledge it either way... THAT'S LITERALLY QUEERBAITING. at this point I don't care if nandor is bi, as far as the events of the show is concerned he's only ever considered women as viable partners, never a mention of wanting a husband or boyfriend, and the only reason we know guillermo is canonically gay is because the existence of his boyfriend was leaked a few months back. this is not the glaad award winning representation everyone seems to think it is (and seriously wtf was that, simms? demanding a glaad award cuz you said in an interview that all your characters are pan? that made me so uncomfortable idk why everyone was acting like that was a #ally moment LMAO) and even if it was, it's STILL a shitty move for refusing to clarify whether this is 1) a slowburn like they'd have us believe it is, 2) they haven't decided if they're going that direction or not, or 3) they just have no intentions of doing it at all. I'm willing to stick it out for season 4 and see where they go with all this but the attitude that the creators seem to have at the moment is really not giving me much hope - and I'm saying this out of concern for everyone who is still convinced this is some epic conspiracy - I think you need to take a step back for a second and recognise that if they didn't have you fooled into thinking this show was the pinnacle of queer writing for saying nandor and laszlo fucked one time, it'd be pretty obvious that these people have little to no interest in actually committing to nandermo. this isn't me saying it'll never happen, just that if one day it does, it'll figure very little into what's been going on for the last 4 seasons. nothing that's happening right now is part of an epic slowburn, at least not consciously. sometimes it's not a romcom in disguise - sometimes it really is just a sitcom. I really, REALLY hope I'm wrong, but just do a little damage control for yourselves here, I'm begging you

I'm gonna say it now and I promise I am saying this from a place of love for both the show and the fans of it, some of y'alls attitude of "wwdits can't be queerbaiting us with nandermo because they're both canonically queer!" is literally not constructive at all and is only gonna end up getting you hurt later on down the line if it doesn't go canon. there is a big difference between saying these characters are queer and actually putting them in a queer relationship. you can admit they're baiting nandermo, it's okay. it's important actually. hold the writers and showrunner accountable for this kind of behaviour. saying "all the vampires are pan" is not the same as actually committing to making the characters explicitly queer on screen and making the popular gay ship canon. do not let them get away with thinking it's the same. please I'm begging you, wwdits is not the exception. it can still and IS still baiting us. acting like they're incapable of doing us harm with shit like that because nandor said he likes men once only gives them a pass for doing the absolute bare minimum or even straight up doing homophobic writing (like constantly playing guillermo's feelings for nandor for laughs and never resolving that in a way that does him justice - yknow, like dragging it on for two seasons and then having nandor marry a previously unestablished woman instead....) and you know it