#her: that’ll prob be in 5 years but cool. a long explanation for why you won’t walk 20 minutes? k.

[armadil-lo]

hey so remember how my sister constantly treated me like shit and i decided i’d had enough and cut her out of my life six months ago?

well, i decided to give her another chance because she’s moving all the way across the country again tomorrow (back up near auckland, but a few hours’ drive further north), and i felt kinda weird about leaving things unspoken with her moving so far away. so we met up at my work a few days ago and talked things through. (or rather, i finally told her my side of things - though i should have realised her lack of genuine apology even after that was suspicious.)

but we only had a couple hours to catch up before i had to work that day, so i was like “why don’t you come over to mine on christmas? that way we’re not both alone on the day, that might be nice.” and she agreed.

but today, instead of spending christmas together, she refused to come over and instead picked a fight with me. all the classic things, y’know; attempted guilt tripping, blaming me for her being so disorganised, accusing me of not caring, not understanding my side of things, refusing to back down when i tried to be calm at first because i really didn’t want to fight again.

but of course, eventually i snapped. i’m literally not going to put up with that again. if she wants to start arguments with me and treat me like that only a few days after we tentatively made up after not talking for six months - and on the day before she moves across the country - then that’s her problem. i don’t have to deal with her if she clearly hasn’t learnt anything from me cutting her off the first time.

i honestly don’t know what i was expecting by giving her another chance. she only ever disappoints me. and now i wish i never had because i feel like an idiot and she’s literally ruined christmas. i should have seen it coming. the couple days we were talking again like normal was nice, but it wasn’t worth it. all she does is manipulate and guilt trip and place blame and start shit when it’s totally unwarranted and unnecessary. and i do not need that in my life.

i’m not giving her anymore chances. she’s hurt me enough, and i’m not going to let people get away with thinking they can treat me like that.

[lady-nevermore]

Therapy Session 7 - Soooo many Trees and soo many Dreams! :O

8/7/2017

Today I took a different route to get to therapy, see they ended up changing locations as of late, so this time around me and my mom ended up taking a bus route (funnily enough, I ended up taking the bus that was right in front on my old High School, AHS, haven’t sat on that exact metal bench since I graduated AHS High School over 7-8 years ago, that def. took me back.....I remember how me and my friend Reina were reminiscing about when we first met, I was sooooo antisocial back then, and very picky aka only friends with Greenbean, I told her how glad i was that she got me to open-up and that it helped me to socialize and create a whole group of friends during my freshmen year, she told me that she was glad too, and that made me smile) but anyways, that bus route ended up taking us through one of our town’s local park which we needed to walk through in order to reach the therapy building on the either side; and it was really beautiful, haven’t been to this park in a very long time and holy crap, soooooooo many wonderful trees, heh I sound like a hippie, prob another thing me and the Doctor from Doctor Who have in common I guess.....just need my own version of Rivah and I’m set! ;)

But anyways, so today we talked about how loss a grief (in many shapes and forms, not just to death, but also like grieving over those who are still living, in a sense), has made me make a bad habit of keeping others at an emotional distance, or as my therapist likes to put it: it’s my defense-mechanism against the pain and my fear of getting hurt again. I told her how I vowed/made a promise to never repeat my past mistakes when it comes to my current friends: aka ( @theamazingflyinglion , @angelotics , @hellfire47 , and @th3-d0rk-kn1ght-d0t-exe ), or any new potential friends in the future as well. 

My therapist has made me realize that this time around things are completely different than they were back in the situation when I was still friends with my High-School Friends, cause now I realized that most of you guys actually are in the know about my struggle with depression and anxiety (as well as my sometimes urge/need for space and/or alone time by myself at times, in order to recharge).....back in my High School Days, early Community College days (this was back in like 2009-2011) I wasn’t even barely aware in the slightest that I was struggling with depression and anxiety (I mean I suspected to be sure, but I wasn’t aware of how to deal with it or even accepted it was real), let alone my friends knowing about it....My therapist has made me realize that I now have a better support system with my tumblr friends, my folks and including my therapist herself, and that you guys are all in the know with what I’ve struggled with (aka the emotional abusement I suffered at the hands of my aunt when I was 5-6 years old), as well as the bouts of depression and anxiety that I struggle with now (none of my high school friends even knew about any of that), and it’s because of all of this, that my therapist has tried to get me to understand that communication and awareness (and that not allowing my feelings to fester, or bury/ignore my feelings) is key, and I completely agree she’s right (I have a bad habit of dealing with things on my own, and am too stubborn/prideful when it comes to asking for help or opening up to people about my issues.

But yeah, we also talked a lot about my dreams as of late too; I’ve had some recent dreams about tornados as of late, the skinny-funnel type, it’s mostly just this one in the corner of my mind, outside of my window, it’s far away, but everytime I acknowledge it being there in my dream, that sight of it fills me with an awful sense of dread/fear, yet if I stare at it long enough it also makes me feel a weird calming sense of awe and wonder......I think it represents my turmoil/depression/anxiety, but in a bittersweet way (since it’s connected with my past in several different ways, both good and bad in a way: my childhood, my teenage years, my once bleak future, but now a sorta more hopeful one).

I’ve also had a recent dream that all my high-school friends shunned me (were angry at me and rightfully so, and were hurt by my actions aka me isolating myself and turning my back on all of them when: I was simultaneously struggling with like 5-6 college course right out the bat, when my high-school friends in me were drifting a part/parting ways as well as me dealing with drama with WOLF, and to top it all off My friend/Mentor Codename: Obi-wan ended up passing away from colon-cancer, which was the final straw and I ended up failing most of my college courses, and all of which ended up me shutting down in completely in a horrid sense of numbness/apathy/and depression for several years, numbing the pain by running way via my nerdy fandoms).....but even so, I still turned my back on them, and I still feel accountable for my actions, which is why I still feel like they deserve an explanation, and one day I will be ready to face them again and give them that much at least.......And I mean it’s hella tempting to just leave all of this high-school stuff back in the past, and tbh any normal sane person would, but I’m neither heh, jk jk  x)

But seriously though, I mean I understand that it wasn’t entirely my fault either, most of my high-school friends and I were drifting apart for a while, so I knew it was gonna end up happening eventually, and there are a few choice friends I’d rather not reconnect with again (the narrow-minded ones like WOLF for example), but just as much, there are a few select few who in my opinion deserve to know what had happened all those years ago, those whose loyalty and friendship were like the bright spots of some very gloomy and dark times and whether they end up understanding or wanting to reconnect with me will depend on so many things, but  it’s like my therapist says: When I’m ready to face them again, they’ll be there, but before any of that I gotta work on myself a bit first, until I feel ready for that confrontation). 

I told my therapist that the dream of my old high-school friends shunning me, made me feel torn and disgruntled cause when I woke up my feelings were that I didn’t deserve or felt worthy of having m current tumblr friends now, cause I’ll prob end up hurting them just like I hurted the others, but what’s worse is that on some level i felt sorta low-key guilty for betraying their loyalty/replacing my old high-school friends with my current ones, which is stupidly irrational, that’s not how friendships work, you can have more than just one best-friendship ya know!

The second part of this dream included me at my old high-school, visiting my old Mentor/Friend, the one that passed away from colon cancer, but he wasn’t there, and I think a part of my mind knew/was aware that he had passed away; it’s gonna sound silly, but I sorta wish he’d visit me in my dreams as a spirit or something, I mean I’ve told ya’ll about me being sorta semi-spiritual, and that I used to live in a haunted house when I was a mere youngling, so yeah a real selfish part of me believes in the afterlife and ghosts; here’s hoping he pays me a visit one of these times in my dreams more often then heh! x)

Speaking of dreams, I’ve also had dreams that I was protecting my old high-school friends, and my old mentor/friend that passed away, from these Giant Paper-Air Plane Spaceships, and the Doctor was there, it was pretty cool! :D

A lot of dreams are pretty fun actually, some have been about Team STRQ going on adventures/missions in Hyrule, or me adventuring with the Doctor ^-^

^My therapist says that I have one helluva an imagination lol x)

I tried Getting her into Doctor Who, but they took it off netflix, dammit! Dx

My therapist ended up giving me another page of helpful things to be aware of Cognitive Distortions aka irrational thoughts that can influence my emotions and how to become more aware of them, in order to stop and catch them before they start to lead me to a much darker path, aka stewing/dwelling on my repetitive negative irrational emotional-triggering thoughts or allowing them to fester long enough that they can tempt me back spiraling back into a pit of despair. 

^Def. something I gotta try hard in working on becoming more aware. o.o

My Therapy Sessions have been moved to Fridays now, so that’ll be interesting, gonna have to be going by myself now, but I think my anxiety-levels can take, so that’s really hopeful actually! :O

Speaking of hopeful things. my Therapist, my mom, and even I have all noticed that I’ve been slowly making progress/changing/become more hopeful as of late.....baby-steps......but I think I’m finally getting there! :)

But anyways that’s all for now, thanks for reading! ^_^

- Lady Nevermore

Side Note: I’ve told my therapist that I’ve finally went to the DMV and have gotten the little Driver’s Handbook, been studying the crap outta it, but they totally changed the DMV system here in my little town, so now I have to take the Knowledge/Written Permit’s Test in Vacaville, and I gotta wait till September to take said test, welp, my therapist says that on the bright side, this gives me more time to prep and study for it. ^^;

I also ended up telling her that I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test, (took it 4 times, just to be sure, hell I think I ended up taking it back in 2011 after I graduated High School) and the anwser’s still the same: INFJ-T (I told her that most of it’s spot on, though I dunno if I agree with all of it), she says she’ll look into it, but that she doesn’t agree with putting labels on people, cause she believes that people tend to change, that they’re not forever stagnant, and that really really spoke to me and made me respect her in that moment, I even told her so, and she thanked me. ^^