#hence this post which i am posting quietly to my sneeze blog 🏃♀️
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#delete later#not snz#not expecting anyone to read this; just writing things out into the void#(actually i drafted this a couple days ago and it has sat in my drafts marinating. i'm banishing it from my drafts now... begone!!)#this week has been... honestly pretty awful; one thing too far and this culmination of squashed-down hurt just toppled down on me 😭#working such long hours + not getting proper acknowledgment for the work i've spent so much (unpaid) overtime on really feels discouraging#and worse too that that feeling of discouragement bleeds into my capacity to interact with my coworkers as usual :(#i worry that i'm establishing myself as#someone difficult/antisocial/unlikable because at lunch time i don't have the energy to properly extend myself socially#but what energy is there to spare? how do other people have energy for everything anyways??#i don't know. i so often feel like i'm expending all of mine simply convincing myself to keep going :')#the resulting social isolation almost feels like a form of self-sabotage... i worry that i am failing my friendships or establishing myself#as someone who doesn't show up. i also recently had a conversation with a family member which was honestly very painful and discouraging#which remains awkwardly unresolved because it brought me to tears and i had to leave the room 🏃♀️#and as a result of everything above i cried in my room for an embarrassing amount of time 😭#sometimes i think if i did not force myself to be painfully hopeful about everything my life just might collapse in on itself :')#anyways... i think for so long i have been pretty cautious about not overstepping and not presenting my worst self to people.#and in a way it's deeply lonely to get into this practice of always withdrawing because those parts of me have nowhere to go#hence this post which i am posting quietly to my sneeze blog 🏃♀️#it sounds terrible but i almost wish i could let myself burden people? like at least a little bit more? without all the fear and constant#self-monitoring and the associated guilt... i feel like i have spent a long time learning on how i should act etc#but that those learnings came with an acute fear of saying too much and driving people away 😭 so all i can do when i hurt is withdraw#anyways this is very long winded (if you are still reading this i am surprised and grateful 😭) but#on friday i had dinner with a friend which#slowly felt like normalcy again; we walked around a park with christmas lights and then walked around a grocery store and talked about#so many silly insignificant things#and i thought it was so lovely to be in her presence... i felt so happy that we could still talk like that and have it feel so natural#because she's someone i look up to astronomically... and i think she was happy :') it ate away a little at the loneliness
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