#hello amigos i am briana

[oliviakeyy]

Just want to write about Jonghyun & SHINee for a bit.

Yesterday I was watching Lee Hi’s performance of Breathe and started crying. And I watched it again today several times and cried. Then I watched SHINee win artist of the year and cried again. This whole thing is going to be a mess of memories, typos, and such, but I just want to write this out for myself.

I became a SHINee fan back in 2009. I found them on accident on Youtube and it started with “Juliette.” At first, I wasn’t a fan of the song, but everyday on my way to classes in college, it would just keep replaying over and over in my head. I used to get so frustrated and ask myself “why is this song stuck in my head if I don’t like it?!” So finally, I decided to give it one more shot, because if a song gets stuck in your head, there has to be a reason. So I watched it again, actually.. several times because they were so cute. Then I finally decided, “Okay... let me give them a chance.” From there I found “Replay”, which I fell in love with upon first listen. I basically went through all the music videos they had that were accessible through Youtube (Love Like Oxygen and Amigo). Soon after, I had their album downloaded and was playing the whole thing on repeat.

Not too long after, they started dropping teasers of each member everyday for “Ring Ding Dong” and I was so hyped. It was the first time I ever experienced the infamous ‘K-pop Comeback.’ I instantly fell in love with the song and that’s when I decided that these guys were just too good to be true and I dubbed them as my favorite group.

I’ll never forget when I went home for Thanksgiving break and all I was doing was playing “Ring Dong Dong” throughout the house on full blast. I made everyone listen to the song and eventually, this became the song that also got my cousin and mom into K-pop. I remember sitting my cousin down and just forcing her to watch SHINee videos. It was my first time ever converting someone to a Shawol. 

I used to have this internal struggle back then that was ‘who is my bias?’ At the start, it was Taemin. Then when Ring Ding Dong came out, Key stole my heart. My mom used to buy anything and everything that was Key shaped (actually she still does). But then, Hello Baby happened, and everything about Jonghyun caught my attention. My cousin used to be so mean and would ask me “Key or Jonghyun?” And I could never give her a answer. I felt bad betraying Key by choosing Jonghyun and vice versa. Eventually, I accepted it and decided Jonghyun was the one.

Anyways, I basically fell in love with SHINee ever since then and everyone around me thought it was just a ‘phase.’ I’ve had phases in the past that have lasted a week to a couple years, but they always seemed to have left me eventually, but I was convinced SHINee wasn’t just a ‘phase,’ and I was right. It’s now 2018 and I’m still going strong.

Without SHINee, I wouldn’t be who I am today. I’ve met so many friends and have had so many experiences because of SHINee. My first time ever in Japan back in 2010, I bought a Jonghyun pen they were selling in Yokohama in China Town. My first day of school in Osaka that I was studying abroad at, a girl in my class pointed to it and asked ‘Is that Jonghyun?’ We’ve been friends ever since. We even went to their first ever concert together back in December 2010. I mean, we spent a ton of money on those tickets, but it was totally worth it. I even cried from happiness and ran into a pole afterwards.

Because of SHINee, I started learning Korean and eventually I went to live and work in Korea for 3 years. I met another friend in line at a SHINee concert who was also living in Korea and we ended up going to all their events, pre-recordings, and concerts together. The best times there were SW2,3,4, 7th anniversary, SMTOWN Week, Taemin’s solo fanmeet, Gumi concert, and Sokcho concert.

Another funny thing that is actually true is that I started wearing contacts because of Jonghyun. I’m actually terrified of eyes and hate watching people put on eye make-up, putting it on myself (I can but it takes a while), contacts, and just touching eyes in general, but I told myself one day “If Jonghyun can wear contacts, so can I. I’m going to do this for Jonghyun.” Why? I don’t know. But I was so sick of glasses so I needed motivation. I finally did suck it up and learn to wear contacts, and eventually I got LASIK. All thanks to Jonghyun hahahaha.

I went to Jonghyun’s concert back in 2015 and each concert he would change up the setlist a bit. So a song he sang the day before, he might not have sang the next day. My top two favorite songs by/written by Jonghyun are “Love Belt” and “Gloomy Clock.” At the time, I think he had sung Gloomy Clock, but he never sang Love Belt yet at any of his concerts. So when it came time for the concert I was finally going to, I hoped he would. And he did. The moment he said Love Belt would be next, I lost it inside. He sang Gloomy Clock as well which was another bonus. It was beautiful. I went to his encore concert as well when he added extra dates and when he sang “Skeleton Flower” I teared up. I really wish I could’ve seen “Elevator” live too, but never had a chance.

After reading his note, there’s one thing I wish I did. I had the chance to meet him back when he was promoting his Base album. I had gone to his pre-recording for Crazy in the early morning around 4AM. It takes about 2 days to get into a pre-recording, so my friend and I had a lot to do to get in. We succeeded, but afterwards, we were so sleepy that we just went home when it ended. I just want to thank Briana right now for spamming my KakaoTalk with messages in order to wake me up to tell me Jonghyun was having a fan meet for people who went to the pre-recording. I literally shot out of bed and just ran out of my apartment, caught a taxi, and paid about 60,000 won (~$55) to get to the location. I was late and Jonghyun was already talking to everyone (which was embarrassing cause I saw a lot of heads watch me come late all by myself, even Jonghyun turned to look over at this lonely girl coming super late lofl....), but thankfully the SHINee staff still let me join. I’m so glad my pre-recording number didn’t smear off while I was sleeping. When it was my turn to go up and shake Jonghyun’s hand and talk to him, I was nervous. At the time, all the Korean I knew had completely left my brain and I had no idea at all what to say, all I could say was “축하합니다” before his manager or staff, whoever it was, told me I needed to move on so the next person could go. I really wish I could’ve told him “수고했어요” now. But, what’s done is done.

Basically, I just wanted to write about how much SHINee and Jonghyun mean to me. Literally, if you want to be my friend, whether you like k-pop, hate it, knew about it, didn’t know about it, you HAD to know I loved SHINee and Jonghyun. Every one who knows me, knows I love Jonghyun, that is a fact. Because I couldn’t be myself if someone didn’t know. Jonghyun was literally a part of me that made me, well, me. When everything happened back in December last year, I had people who I haven’t talked to in YEARS write me and ask me if I was doing okay. More people messaged me that week than people did to wish me a happy birthday. 

I’m not a very openly emotional person when it comes to the more sorrowful emotions. I don’t cry much, especially not in front of others. When I found out about Jonghyun, I was with a friend at the time for the whole week. I don’t like to cry in front of others for sad reasons, I literally can’t do it. My body just automatically stops it and I don’t know why. It especially sucks when I want to cry and I really wish I could just let it out, but my body just won’t allow it. Because of this, I’m the type of person who prefers to cry alone, because it’s the only time I actually can. It doesn’t bother me that no one is there to comfort me, because I prefer there not to be, at least not in person. So basically, that whole entire week of Jonghyun’s death that I was with my friend, I didn’t cry. I hated it. I wanted to cry because honestly, I felt so empty and weak that whole week. And crying just makes it feel better. However, I had it stored away until I was finally home by myself the end of that week. I was finally able to cry, even it was just a single tear.

But, I think his death is starting to catch up with me now. Ever since seeing that Lee Hi Jonghyun Tribute video, I keep rewatching it and I cry before I go to bed, and when I wake up. My body is finally letting it out. 

I’m so thankful SHINee came to my hometown in Chicago back in 2016. The feeling is so much different when traveling somewhere to see them vs them actually coming to where you live, especially your town or city specifically. I’m so thankful I was able to see him in their last Dome Tour in 2017 in Osaka on Key’s birthday. I’m also just thankful in general for all the different times I was able to see Jonghyun. The very first time I was ever leaving America, I wrote my number one wish on a balloon and sent it off into the sky. I wrote “I hope to see SHINee.” And a couple months later, that wish came true at SHINee World 1. At that time, I thought I would never see SHINee live again for some reason, so I cherished it. And since then, I have seen SHINee and Jonghyun many, many times, and I’m so thankful. I don’t regret anything at all. Those were the best times of my life.

I want to thank Jonghyun for all he has done, all the great songs he has written, all the people he has helped and inspired. Personally, I have never dealt with depression or anything of the sort, but I know someone who has and who is, and I know Jonghyun was a big help and inspiration to that person to keep going. I’m very sad he had to leave this world, but I hope now he can rest well. His legacy and music will live on even if he isn’t here with us physically. SHINee World will forever be by his side and I know he will always be by ours. I hope SHINee, Jonghyun’s family, friends, and all my fellow Shawols out there all take care. Thank you for all you’ve done Jonghyun. It’s been hard. You did well. I love you.

[indiaok]

Have you seen The Craft? It kind of makes me want to be a witch.