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lovelyirony · 5 years ago

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Hello. I'm having kind of a shit day ( just found out my sister's hair was full of lice) so if you wouldn't mind could you write some thorbruce? Sorry if this bothers you, I hope you and your family are doing ok

this could never bother me. I hope that this little story helps! i really wanted something comedic, or at least my attempt at it. so without further ado...a fusion of a thief AU and royalty AU!

Bruce Banner technically has a career as a scientist. He writes research papers occasionally, helps out with other science projects, and wears smart, science-y glasses.

And so what if he just happens to make most of his money stealing rich people things like paintings, wine, and other assorted items off of boats and out of houses? Well, that’s extra. Doesn’t even go on any tax forms.

“You’re gonna get something done to you one of these days,” Tony tells him over margaritas. Tony is one of the rare people who caught him, let him still take the Warhol because “I sure as hell didn’t pick it out, I have taste,” and invited Bruce for cocktails.

“Of course I am. Maybe jail.”

“No, not that,” Tony says. “You forget I will be offering my lawyers. They could get the devil himself scot-free. And you’re way better than that guy.”

“Then what?”

“You’re going to have to balance yourself,” Tony says, smiling. “And I can’t wait to see you pull it off.”

Bruce wishes he had more friends like Tony, because unfortunately both Jane and Helen have texted him that he’s screwed for his next goal: Odin.

Odin is a king who made his whole goal to cover up the shady dealings of his reign, and while his sons are doing better to call it out and bring about new policy ideas now that it is said that Odin will be retiring from the throne, so to speak, nothing has changed yet.

Bruce knows that people say the next king in line, Thor, is very similar to his father.

So he’s planning on infiltrating a party. This involves getting a planet ticket to Asgard, sneaking in, and maybe also leaving by boat. He’s not sure yet, depends on how quickly Tony can engineer a self-steering boat.

(The boat’s gonna be there.)

“You’re gonna get your ass kicked,” Helen snickers over drinks. “Have you seen his arms?”

“I’ve heard your ramblings about ten or twenty times, yes,” Bruce says. “For someone who loves their wife as much as you do, you also have an interesting love for Thor’s arms.”

“They’re buff!” Helen protests. “Jane also nice arms, but they are not buff.”

“Guilty as charged,” Jane says from the kitchen, rolling her eyes. “Bruce, be careful. And for the love of god, don’t talk to any of them if you can.”

“Like I would.”

Thor is very bored with present society. His father has banned all of his friends from attending, Loki has decided to go on their own way in as outrageous of a dress as they could find, in any case guaranteeing that their mother’s attention would be focused on making sure that they had the right accessories.

There is not one interesting person to talk to.

Thor is bored.

This means Thor isn’t so much as paying attention to any sort of conversation and has found one new guest that he has never met before.

“Hello,” he says.

The man whirls around. He has curly, nearly-messy hair. Nice nose.

“I don’t think we’ve met before,” Thor says. “I’m Thor.”

“I’m Bruce,” Bruce blurts out, because he is a Class-A Idiot.

Of course he gets caught at a royal function.

“And you haven’t met me before. I’m a...scientist.”

Thor smiles.

“Well, what study of interest are you in?”

“DNA sequencing,” Bruce says weakly. “And you are...Thor, right?”

“Yes,” Thor says, smiling. “Did my father invite you?”

“Your mother,” Bruce says, knowing that Queen Frigga is occupied at the moment trying to ensure that Loki is not stealing all of the strawberries. She cannot possibly come over and confirm his story or realize that she has no idea who he is.

“How is your night faring, Your Highness?” Bruce asks nervously. He cannot make eye contact.

“None of that,” Thor says with a chuckle. “That title is...stuffy. Overused. I’m just a regular person who is assuming a throne.”

“Any plans then, regular person?” Bruce asks in a snarky tone, grinning.

“None that I’m comfortable sharing within earshot,” Thor mutters under his breath, into his drink. Bruce smiles.

His eyes crinkle up. That’s cute.

“Good idea. Never know what your father listens to.”

“Not a fan?” Thor asks.

“Can’t say I’m dedicated,” Bruce answers with a shrug. Thor smiles, leaning in closer.

Thor’s about to answer more, willing to speak with this man. The night was turning around, and--

Odin claps him on the back.

“Thor, I have some people you must talk to for the future,” he says, not even sparing Bruce a glance as he turns his son towards a group of the most ancient looking old men Bruce has seen.

Thor swivels his head back.

“I hope to see you again!” Thor calls.

Bruce waves.

“Probably not,” Bruce sighs to himself. “But I’m sure you also won’t see some of your vases again.”

In the news, they reported that it had to be at least a three-man job. The surveillance didn’t help, heirlooms had been nicked out of at least six different rooms, and top secret documents had been spilled out into the back lawn, some artfully arranged as if they were reading material for the next garden party.

Thor has an idea of who did it. Has since his mother confusedly asked “who’s Bruce?”

He’s clever, that’s for sure. Going directly to the house? Using Odin’s disregard of people he doesn’t think are worth his time? Oh, it’s perfect.

It would also make a good quality in a husband, if he says so himself.

Bruce is currently lying on his back at Jane’s house, the sunshine warming him.

“You’re gonna die!” Helen yells. “You told him your name and you are storing, just casually, a priceless artifact!”

"I’m not storing it. I just put it back in a museum,” Bruce says.

“You think that Odin’s honestly not going to get it back?”

“Nope,” Bruce says. “Because he didn’t change the paperwork on it and it has a loan repayment clause thingy. I don’t know how it works but he needs to pay the museum for it and it’ll be bad press for a while. That and his shady dealings with repressing country public opinion. I think Thor’s up to the plate.”

He is. Bruce is right. Odin has rescinded his claim on the throne, allowing a coronation to be held for Thor.

“Are you gonna go?” Jane asks.

Bruce snorts.

“And what, risk being detained in Asgardian jail or being murdered? Nah,” Bruce says. “Besides, I probably won’t ever really interact with them ever again. And I have no purpose for being there.”

Bruce isn’t sure how. But he gets an invitation to go. Well, he’s sure how he got it. Thor remembered him, probably found out that he wasn’t supposed to be there.

He’s mad.

He’s from fucking Ohio. He knows that no one is supposed to notice him under any circumstance besides maybe an eating competition or a tornado warning.

“You have to go,” Tony says. “I’ll be there, I can cause a distraction. Loki owes me a favor.”

“How does Loki owe you a favor?”

“They needed some help with executing a perfect red carpet walk a couple years back to ensure they upstaged someone. I don’t know who, but I helped. Loki owes me.”

“But why do I have to go?”

“Because if you don’t then Thor’s not gonna stop,” Tony says. “Because if he personally invited you, that means something. It means you’re either going to die or he’s going to make sure he has a very fun time at his own coronation.”

“Why wouldn’t you have fun being coronated or whatever the fuck you call it?”

Two hours in. There’s been two hours of this. Bruce has fallen asleep twice, and Tony keeps jabbing him in the side.

“Decorum,” Tony hisses. “If you fall asleep, you’re going to cause a scene.”

“So sorry that I don’t find this just entirely interesting,” Bruce says, “I wasn’t the one who minored in anthropology.”

“Majored,” Tony says. “Among other things.”

“Is this when we couldn’t find you for a year? Like, when you went to California or whatever and had a crisis?”

“I didn’t have a crisis,” Tony says.

“Sure you didn’t,” Bruce said, snorting. “You were sad and probably ate five loaves of pumpernickel in one day.”

“If you keep talking we’re gonna get kicked out, and I want my record of being kicked out of royal events to be kept to a minimum of two.”

“You’ve been kicked out of two?”

“One was England. That’s practically a given.” Tony hisses. “Now no more.”

Bruce falls asleep again.

Thor catches him in the audience.

He has to bite his own tongue to stop from laughing. Sif side-eyes him.

He raises an eyebrow. She looks out into the crowd, sees the man who has fallen asleep. She stills, trying very hard not to laugh.

“Is that the man you want to pursue?” she whispers as the officiants droll on about tradition. Thor nods. Sift snorts. “Of course you do.”

The party afterwards is tasteful. People are in a line to congratulate Thor. Bruce is by the appetizer table slowly but surely stealing all of the colby-jack cheese slices.

“I hate you,” Tony says to Bruce. “You’re a menace to society.”

“Put that on my headstone, see if my ghost sticks around to cause trouble,” Bruce says. “Besides, I am not paying for any of this. I’m already eyeing the chocolate fountain.”

Tony rolls his eyes.

“I suppose this is what I get for bringing you here.”

“You literally did not have to, I got an invite and you forced me to come,” Bruce says. “And all because I stole priceless artifacts. Ugh.”

Thor finally manages to escape a long line of well-wishers/want-to-make-sure-he-won’t-do-things-he’s-gonna-do people.

He finds Bruce slowly but surely demolishing the pineapple.

“Nice to see you again, Dr. Banner,” he says. Bruce stills, turning.

“I wasn’t expecting to even meet you today again,” Bruce says, smiling. “How have things been?”

“I’ve gotten some more space for storage,” Thor says, referencing to the act of stealing and also revealing his father’s less-than-golden past. “Thank you for that, by the way.”

Bruce stills.

“You...know?”

“The queen knows no one by the name of Bruce who is a scientist. You paused. Terrible lie, really. You’re lucky you’re quite good-looking and my father is a fool.”

Bruce looks at him.

“I stole a lot of shit from your house and you’re calling me good-looking?” Bruce asks.

“Well to be fair, I’m just glad you didn’t steal my blanket on my bed. It’s pretty soft, pretty valuable,” Thor says grinning.

“Didn’t get to see that room,” Bruce responds.

“You’ll have to come up with me some time then.”

Bruce almost spills his drink.

“Are you...?”

“Flirting with you? Yes.”

Bruce takes a sip of his drink.

“Interesting. Although I hardly doubt your mother will be pleased to see you talking with someone who stole things.”

“On the contrary, she most likely won’t mind,” Thor says, smiling. “Just because she married my father doesn’t necessarily mean they’re affectionate.”

Bruce tilts his head.

“So what you’re saying is that no one in your family likes your dad?”

“Not especially. Kind of a bastard, if you ask me.”

Bruce laughs.

“So. What kinds of things does a king like to do for a date?”

Thor puts a finger on his chin, teasingly.

“Well I’m not sure. Is it kingly of me to offer a lunch?”

“I would say I’ll accept,” Bruce says, laughing. “So long as it’s a good lunch.”

Tony is gasping in disbelief as he sees Thor put a hand on the small of Bruce’s back, leading him to meet the queen.

“Only my brother,” Loki says, pursing their lips. “Of course he falls in love with the man who stole from the kingdom and would probably be arrested for about twenty years.”

“He does that,” Tony says. “Thank you again, for inviting me.”

“No problem,” Loki says. “God knows I needed someone else to judge the questionable fashion choices people made. Just...ugh. Look at her shoes.”

“I need another drink to even think about looking at those,” Tony says, turning towards the bar.

With Thor and Bruce, the kingdom gets two excellent rulers. Bruce is more focused on environment sustainability and education infrastructure, and can frequently be seen leading children all over the grounds of the kingdom, identifying herbs and plants and grinning as they picnic for lunch.

Thor focuses more on bringing more of the...unfavorable history to light, reinventing what he wants for his country, and leading by example.

Of course, Bruce and Thor are photographed together getting breakfast, lunch, and on one memorable occasion, in-sync eye-rolling at a United States event.

(Tony gets it framed for their wedding gift.)

#HI SO SORRY THIS CAME SO LATE #I WAS REALLY TRYING TO MAKE IT GOOD #some of the plot is questionable because i am absolute shit with plots but! firm belief that thor just loves bruce #also YES i made loki nonbinary i can do that because they are #loki #thor #sif #tony stark #helenjane #bruce banner #thorbruce #bruce: steals from odin #thor: did you know i would actually marry you #lovelyirony writes

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