#heinrix tries to shut that desire away while ammabel pursues it

[zahra-hydris]

the whole thing with calligos (and subsequently with the aeldari) on quetza temer shakes ammabel a little bit. worten's comment about calligos falling to chaos out of "loneliness and boredom" hits a nerve.

abelard has informed her that he wants to leave to be with his family when he can. she's just had a disastrous dinner date with heinrix where she's basically realised she loves him just as he informs her they probably won't last. she was betrayed - yet again - by someone she knew, deep down, she probably shouldn't have trusted (but she wanted to! einrich made her feel like she really *was* one of the people! that she *was* a good ruler!). and there are basically two people in the entire expanse who understand the position she occupies, and one of them is dead (basically) by her hand, and the other nearly cleaved in two in an effort to protect her.

and even though she's always been separate from others around her (as a commissar), in practice it got messy. she got (perhaps too) attached to her past regiment after being with them for so long, who also got (perhaps too) attached to her. and after having that kind of connection, she's been implicitly seeking it out again. so she is starting to feel a little lonely at the top.

she also feels like, despite all the power she has, she's floundering to genuinely do anything meaningful with it. all those big, noble ideas she had of doing better, and yet she wonders how much better she's truly done. she also wonders how much closer she is to corruption now.

but everyone seems to notice how morose she is on the shuttle ride off of the planet, and she feels embarrassed about it being so obvious. so she tells herself to get over it.

but she does go down to heinrix's quarters to fix things with him.