#heels are hell even if cosplay is suffering

[ortustella]

much sad I was hoping to see my eeveelution group from Friday or mine and my roommate’s ToZ cosplay from today make it into the main Katsucon tag just bc of how many times we got stopped and asked to be photographed. ah well here’s to hoping, the eeveelution group turned out so well.

in other news tho just one more day of the con, then monday night i’ll be driving home. whether or not i get on that night is tbd simply bc it’s a 7/8 hour drive and i’m doing all of it bc i’m packmule car. still always lurking on skype tho!

[nobodyfamousposts]

My-Crack-ulous: Aku-Maid

In which I am a horrible person...

No seriously. Don’t read this.

For @mermain123, for bringing up the cursed image that started this mess in the first place.

Mermain: i said i was suffering

Mermain: i didn't want you to make the internet suffer

Me: That sounds like the internet’s problem.

Also for @bloody-writes. You know why...   ; )

_________________________

Hawk Moth was a supervillain who had been terrorizing Paris for the better part of two years.

But no one could really argue that not all of his ideas have been good. Or well thought out. Or in any way sensible even.

Like the time he akumatized a baby.

Or the time he akumatized a girl to transform people into exact replicas of herself.

Or the fact he keeps akumatizing Mr. Ramier for going on 29 times at this point…

Or the other time he akumatized a baby…

Times that he destroyed Paris. Times that he nearly destroyed the world. Times that he gave people powers that were completely contradictory to the goals of getting the Miraculous he was after by erasing the heroes from existence or transforming them in ways that made the Miraculous inaccessible.

But none of his akumatizations had ever gotten him as much hate, caused as much misery, were were ultimately as pointless as this most recent incident.

Aku-maid.

It was known the instant she was akumatized. As soon as she was transformed, a wave of power enveloped the city. And within that wave, half of the people of Paris were transformed as well. 

…the male half.

Her power was to transform all the men of Paris. She didn’t even have a weapon or attack that did it, it just happened almost instantaneously. All men suddenly found themselves changed.

Or rather, their outfits…

“Ah!”

“What the hell—!?”

“I can’t get it off!”

One by one, every male in Paris suddenly found themselves in a much different state of attire. What had just been a normal day full of various styles and appearances had all suddenly become very…frilly.

“WHY AM I A MAID?!”

Much as implied her namesake, the akuma’s power involved transforming whatever any man was wearing into some variation of a maid outfit.

Every man.

All over Paris.

From Andre Bourgeois, who has refused to leave his office to make an official statement…

“ANDRE!” Audrey shouted, banging on the door. “Get out here this instant!”

“But, honey, I can’t be seen like this!”

To Roger Raincomprix, who has tried to continue his normal duties despite the…change of uniform…

“Stop in the name of the law!” Roger shouted, reaching into his pockets in an automatic reaction to try to get his handcuffs. While the dress he was wearing did still have pockets, the only item they procured was a cleaning rag, which was notably less threatening as the suspect in question stared for a moment before deciding to take off.

“HEY!”

And yes, even to…

“I’m a Macrophage!” Adrien gushed happily as he lifted his lengthy skirt to give a twirl.

…even to Adrien Agreste, who was apparently the only one to find anything pleasant about the current crisis.

Nino stared.

“Dude. Seriously?”

“I’ve always wanted to cosplay!”

Nino, having been long-since exposed to his friend’s deep love for anime in its many forms, at least knew what a Macrophage was. But even so, he couldn’t help but feel there was something odd about the way Adrien took to the long pale dress and cap.

Kim rested a hand on Nino’s shoulder. “Just let the guy enjoy this.”

“At least somebody is.” Nathaniel muttered bitterly as he tried to hide as behind his sketchbook. It was a futile attempt, of course, as he at most only covered his face, leaving the red dress, white apron with pockets, and knee-high boots on full display.

“I don’t understand how he can.” Max complained. He tugged at his own skirt in vain, looking at Adrien’s ankle-length ensemble enviously. The skirt was much shorter than he would have liked—reaching a couple inches above his thigh and almost seemed to be defying gravity to stay that way despite his attempts to get it to either flatten or otherwise lower. “I question the design choices.”

“But you look just like Misaki from Maid Sama! And Nathaniel looks like Lizbeth!” Adrien insisted. “It’s totally a cosplay!”

Max just stared incredulously. He was wearing a black dress with puffy sleeves that tapered off just shy of his elbow, white apron, a cap, and thigh-high black stockings and knee-high boots, it seemed Adrien did have a point.

Max, in all fairness, didn’t particularly care in favor of the problems that came with suddenly finding himself in a short dress, heels, and a corset.

“I just can’t peg where Kim or Nino’s outfits are from.” He continued, studying the outfits in question contemplatively. “But give me a little time! It’ll come to me!”

The boys had been having an afternoon hangout session in the park. No girls. No teachers. No Gabriel Agreste or bodyguards to whisk certain teen models away. It was supposed to be a normal non-drama-filled day.

…which was naturally when it became something less than normal and certainly more than drama-filled.

“I think I get why girls complain about this sort of thing now.” Kim said, looking at his shoes. “These heels are kind of uncomfortable…”

“Are you sure it’s the heels and not the flippers?” Nino asked, annoyed.

Sure enough, Kim was wearing flipper-heels. They were black and also had black ankle straps with a little bow on each. This strange footwear did seem to go with Kim’s talent in swimming, which was also emphasized by the ruffle maid swimsuit they matched with.

“Nah, it’s definitely the heels.” Kim insisted.

So this was what their all-boys’ afternoon had come to.

Kim was wobbling on unsteady heels.

Nathaniel groaned and kept his ever reddening face covered.

Max was questioning where they could procure jackets. Long jackets.

Adrien was giggling to himself and asking if they could do a full Cells at Work group cosplay.

And Nino paled, suddenly realizing something.

"Guys. Guys, we have to hide!"

"Why?" Kim asked. "It's annoying, but this akuma doesn't seem really dangerous."

"No, you don't get it!" Nino hissed. "If Alya catches us, we will NEVER live this down!"

Nathaniel looked over the edge of his sketchbook. “Alya wouldn’t actually post pictures of us to the Ladyblog, would she?”

A long pause followed.

The boys paled.

Except for Adrien, who turned to them with a gasp of excitement. “Do you think she would? We could do a group picture!”

All the other boys paled even more, looking downright ill.

And immediately took off running.

Or at least as well as they could with heels. None of them made it very far without tripping, stumbling, or simply struggling to stay upright as they still tried to move away from the area as quickly as the heels would allow.

“But what’s wrong with—?”

“JUST RUN, ADRIEN!”

“Who thought maid outfits with high heels was a good idea?! How can anyone be expected to clean in these things?

“I will never draw high heels on a super heroine again.”

“I can’t breathe! Who created corsets?! What objective does this achieve besides crushing one’s lungs?”

Nino groaned, still running. “I hope Hawk Moth is suffering as much as we are!”

_____________________

If Nino Lahiffe had the ability to break the fourth wall and peer into the events happening outside of his immediate vicinity, he would be happy to find this was actually the case.

And he would laugh.

Oh, how he would laugh.

“Sir…?”

“Don’t.” Came the dark growl from a very unhappy supervillain. “Don’t say anything, Nathalie..."

This was an akuma that impacted every male in Paris. Every male.

…even to Hawk Moth, himself.

“Why did this happen?”

It would appear that even Hawk Moth was not immune to Aku-Maid’s power as he had been similarly transformed. And unfortunately, due to the change, he could no longer access his Miraculous. The Butterfly broach had disappeared, having been transformed along with his outfit.

And his outfit had…actually left much to be desired.

Which was truthfully just a nice way of saying it was ugly.

Really, really ugly.

Normally the picture of stoicism, Nathalie had to pretend to cough to avoid reacting.

“Can’t you order the akuma to undo it?” She eventually was able to ask.

He lowered his head and closed his eyes in concentration. “No. It’s no good. I’ve lost the link!”

His eyes widened and he clutched his chest in a panic.

“Where is the Miraculous?!” Hawk Moth demanded, trying—and failing to pull at the tasteless dress. But as others across the city had already discovered, the clothes were magic and would not be removed or displaced. Not even the frock or the cap he now wore.

“Sir, you were transformed when you changed. It looks like the Butterfly Miraculous was transformed along with you.”

He froze, eyes widening in horror. “But that’s—”

He grasped at the empty place on his chest. Where once had been his lapel and pin now only had ruffles and a leathery texture. His mask remained in place, though it was now fully black except for the openings around his eyes and mouth, which were bordered with a lighter grey color. The material and outfit overall had a shine to it that could be found on any wetsuit.

To put it nicely: he looked atrocious.

To put it bluntly: he looked like some sort of BDSM role-player with a maid kink.

So it was fortunate, perhaps, that no one else in Paris would have to be subject to the sight.

Except Nathalie. Who was probably going to have nightmares.

Or a coronary from the laughter she was trying to hold back.

It was admittedly a bit hard to tell.

But it seemed she was handling the situation a bit better than Hawk Moth, despite the fact that the man was currently unable to see himself or the full extent of the monstrosity he now wore.

…this was probably for the best. Given the man’s fashion sense, there was really no telling whether he would be horrified or inspired, and nobody would want to find out.

“I can’t contact the akuma! And I can’t call it back!”

He moaned, covering his…already covered face with his hands. “I’ll never be taken seriously again!”

Nathalie resolutely held back from pointing out he was barely being taken seriously now.

“It’s…not that bad?” She tried. Not very well, but she tried.

Hawk Moth clutched his head in horror. “Unless Ladybug and Chat Noir can stop this akuma, we’re doomed!”

“Sir, it’s just an akuma that puts men in maid outfits. It’s really not that bad.”

“DOOOOOOMED!!!”

__________________________

The akuma, for her part, was unaware of her benefactor’s misery, too busy enjoying the abject misery of everyone else around her.

Nobody knew just what had set the girl off to get her akumatized in the first place. Her comments about men being “the eye-candy now” suggested an argument. The maid outfits involved suggested what the topic of the argument had been regarding.

To be honest, nobody had actually realized she was the akuma responsible. She did appear fairly normal by akuma terms, dressed in a seemingly authentic Victorian era dress more befitting as an authentic Lady’s Maid compared the frillier, lacier varieties that the men around her had suddenly found themselves in. What would normally have gotten her a few odds looks was mostly ignored in the face of the sudden change. Few even took notice of her dark purple skin or black hair. Or the fan in her hand.

“THAT’S RIGHT! SEE HOW YOU LIKE BEING OBJECTIFIED!”

The yelling…was a bit harder to miss.

It was the first thing that drew the attention of the three girls settled at the cafe.

The second thing was the various cries of horror as several of the men around them suddenly discovered their state of dress transformed into…well…dresses. Of a variety that made the little cafe appear more like a maid cafe than anything.

The third thing was the appearance of a familiar face running down the road, holding up his long white dress to make running easier as he looked for a place to hide.

Marinette stared.

“ADRIEN?!”

Adrien Agreste was running around in a long white and pale cream Victorian-era dress and cap, looking like Cinderella running from the ball. Except a maid.

A quick glance to her companions showed that both Alya and Kagami were similarly staring in befuddlement, so this was neither her imagination or a fever dream.

“Adrien? What’s going on?” Alya asked for everyone.

“It’s an akuma!” He replied, quickly. “She’s putting everybody into cosplay!”

“…cosplay?”

“Yeah!”

“…everybody?”

He paused, glancing around. “Well…all the guys, I think?”

Marinette stared.

“…Just that?” Alya asked, thankfully taking over while Marinette’s brain started to become aware that this WAS Adrien she was talking to. “She’s not doing anything else besides putting guys into…‘cosplays’?”

He blinked in confusion. “I…think so?”

“She isn’t…I don’t know…commanding you or anything?”

“Well, she hasn’t yet. Which, really, isn’t so bad for an akuma if you think about it.” He said with a frown before he noticed the strange look on Kagami’s face. “Kagami, are you okay?”

Kagami made a strangled sound.

“Marinette?”

Marinette pretended to choke on a drink from an empty glass to avoid speaking.

“Can I add to your order?” The waiter came by, seeming unconcerned by the ruckus or the act that he was now wearing a rather cutesy maid outfit the likes of which would be seen in a maid cafe in Japan.

“You don’t seem put off by this.” Alya pointed out, noting his relatively unfazed attitude compared to the panicking of the other men around them…or the gushing from Adrien.

The waiter took it in stride.

“It’s okay.” He replied blankly. “I’m already dead inside.”

“Oh.”

He turned to Kagami. “Do you need anything else, Miss?”

Kagami was still staring at Adrien, blushing furiously.

“I think I have a problem.”

“You mean a kink?”

“A. Problem.” She spoke through gritted teeth.

“Story of my life.” The waiter replied as he refilled her glass of water, either unaware or uncaring of the specific nature of her trouble.

Alya gasped in sudden realization. “Wait! If this is happening here then…” She turned to Adrien. “Where were Nino and the boys?” He blinked, curious. “Oh, they decided to head home. Why?”

An almost sinister smirk formed on Alya’s face. One that would have anyone it was directed at cowering in fear. And strong enough to be felt from several blocks away.

Unbeknownst to them, Nino felt that smirk like a trail of cold fingers down his back, and promptly threw himself into his room and slammed the door shut behind him.

As if she sensed this, Alya slammed several bills on the table and dashed out the door.

“GOTTA GO!”

Realizing an akuma was about, Marinette was right on her heels. She found a nearby alleyway and immediately prepared to transform and face this latest threat.

“Oh my god. OH MY GOD.” She broke down, letting out the laughter she’d been trying so hard to hold in. “He’s a dork! The boy I’m crushing on is a complete DORK who is in to cosplaying! He thinks maid outfits are COSPLAY!”

…or she would be.

“And here I’ve been driving myself nuts with anxiety over just asking him out and he doesn’t even—”

Any minute now…

“Marinette!” Tikki hissed. “You need to stop the akuma!”

“Can’t I just take a picture first?”

“MARINETTE!”

“Oh fine…”

_____________________

Luka didn’t realize anything had happened. He felt a bit off balanced for a moment, and a bit colder, but attributed that to being on the Liberty. So he simply shifted his stance to be a bit more steady and continued playing. It wasn’t until the drum stopped that he realized something was actually wrong.

The look of shock from Mylene and the following shriek from Ivan cemented it.

He spun around, not sure what could have elicited such a cry from his fellow bandmate. And at first, he couldn’t really tell what had happened. Ivan was crouched behind the drum set, covering his face with his hands and trembling in what appeared to be mortification.

Then he noticed the mobcap on Ivan’s head, which he was pretty sure hadn’t been there before. And Ivan’s shirt seemed distinctly…fluffier and frillier than he remembered seeing a few minutes ago. He tried to move closer to offer help, only for his own balance to be off. And when he looked down…

Oh.

The dress was new.

As were the stockings.

And the notably thinner and sleeker heels on his boots.

He hummed to himself, considering the change.

“Akuma?” Juleka asked him.

“Most likely.” He replied.

Mylene had rushed up to their practice stage and to Ivan’s side, even as he moaned for her to not look at him. The poor guy was completely red in embarrassment. Seeing how upset he was, the other three had backed away, leaving Mylene to try to help her boyfriend.

“Luka, are you okay?” Rose asked worriedly, trying to respect Ivan’s need for space while also checking in on their other effected bandmate.

“I’m fine. It was just a surprise at first.” He replied.

It wasn’t every day that you suddenly found yourself in a maid outfit, after all. It was a simple outfit. White off the shoulder puffy sleeves with black frills. A black tube skirt. White apron. And…he reached to his neck where a weight was, feeling a choker.

Huh…

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Honestly, he could be in worse.

Rose seemed surprised at that. “Really? Even with those shoes?”

He looked down at the shoes in question. The boots were his style—surprisingly, given it was an akuma. The higher heels were definitely different from his norm, and clearly what Rose was referring to. In any other circumstances, she would be right.

But...

Luka smiled, shifting his stance and resting a hand on his hip. “Well, someone had to teach Jules to walk in heels. And I couldn’t show her if I didn’t know how myself.

Juleka huffed. “Don’t say that like you didn’t enjoy playing dress up.”

Luka merely curtsied, not only showing off more of his slightly ripped and punk-looking fishnet stockings, but almost proudly displaying his ability to move fluently in heels.

Rose appropriately “oo-ed” and “aah-ed” at his display. Juleka merely shook her head and smiled. Ivan was still recovering from his panic attack and had resolutely refused to come out from behind the drums, despite Mylene’s reassurances.

“So it has to be an akuma, right?” Rose asked.

“If it is, I want a picture or two, at least.” Juleka muttered as she admired Luka’s outfit, mumbling about commissioning Marinette to recreate it in her size. She hadn’t known maids could come in this style.

Mylene nodded from her place at Ivan’s side. “Though it seems rather fortunate if this is all the akuma is doing.”

“We don’t know if that is it, though.” Luka warned. “For all we know, there could be some other ability she has if she catches us. It would probably be safer if we hid out inside until this is over.”

The others agreed. And Anarka, bless her soul, actually came up with a large blanket for Ivan to wrap himself in to preserve his dignity. Then she and Mylene helped the taller teen to safely relocate to inside. Much like Luka, Ivan’s shoes had changed, but he was substantially less able to maneuver in them. And no amount of effort or force on his part could seem to separate the heels from his feet.

Once he and the others were inside, Luka moved to follow. He hesitated, however, at the sound of something landing behind him.

“Viperion? We’ll need your help.”

He turned to see Ladybug standing tall. And was that perhaps a hint of blush on her face?

Oh. 

A shame.

It looked like Juleka wouldn’t be getting her pictures, after all...

_____________________

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

He shuddered, backing away from the door as far as possible.

“Ninoooooo…”

It was a fight for survival.

“C’mon, Nino. Just open the door.”

The survival of his dignity, but still!

He’d lost track of the others and immediately rushed home and to the safety of his room. His room, which he could lock and hide away in until this all blew over.

“I have a key!” Came Chris’s voice. “Somewhere…”

“Give it and I won’t take any pictures of you.”

“Deal!”

His room, which his traitorous little brother was willing to allow the enemy entry into.

Under any normal circumstances, he wouldn’t be this desperate. But if Alya caught him like this…

Black dress. Puffy at the shoulder, sleeves that extended to his wrists and were bound by white cuffs. A white smock tied back with a white ribbon. White bow at the neck and white frills along the bottom of the dress?

Oh yeah…Alya would never let this go…

He knew he shouldn’t have gotten into all those anime Adrien pushed him into! So what if the maids were cute? And sure, he’d admit he's had a thought or two of Alya in such attire...

But how was he supposed to know Alya had such thoughts as well? And in the complete opposite direction! Clearly this was the akuma’s magic punishing him!

Nino looked to his window.

It would be a long fall, but it was his only escape.

But would the broken legs be worth it when Alya would soon figure out what he did and be able to catch up to him easily?

Maybe he could try to climb up instead…but in these heels? It was suicide!

“Fufufu!”

…screw it. 

He opened up his window, only to meet a new pair of eyes.

Ladybug stared in surprise from her place at his windowsill, a certain box in hand.

“…hi?”

“Oh thank god!” He exclaimed. He took her by her shoulders, half leaning out and half pulling her in. “Alya’s insisting on taking pictures! Please tell me you have my Miraculous with you!”

“Actually, about that—”

“I don’t care! I’ll do anything! Just please—SAVE ME!”

Ladybug looked back behind her to a distant rooftop and the other allies she’d left behind.

The sound of a key jingling could be heard and Nino stared up at her, pleadingly.

Well, she could never resist the eyes…

By the time they’d gotten the door open, the room was empty.

Nino was gone.

_____________________

Six heroes stood assembled.

Ladybug.

Chat Noir.

Carapace.

Viperion.

King Monkey.

Pegasus.

Six heroes.

Five of whom were male.

And…still wearing some semblance of feminine maid-like outfits.

Ladybug wasn’t sure if she should be impressed or worried.

“What the hell?! I thought the Miraculous were supposed to change us into our hero suits?” Nino groused.

Contrary to his hopes and expectations, using the Miraculous had not transformed him into his normal Carapace look, but had rather simply given him a different outfit. The dress itself was green and had a turtle shell pattern, while the apron and waist belts were a brown color. The bowknot around his neck was a dark green and a brown to match the apron. He wore stockings. And to his very limited relief, his shoes were flats instead of heels.

“Well, at least this skirt is longer.” Pegasus said, now wearing a dark brown blouse and bicycle skirt. The skirt went to just above his ankles, for which he was grateful. But this seemed to be countered by the increase of height to his heels.

Plus no corset. The outfit was still fit tightly and not very comfortable, but at least he could breathe now.

“Though I believe we’re getting away from maid-wear now.” Chat said, conversationally.

Pegasus gave him a flat look. “I’m not complaining.”

If Chat had witnessed his earlier ensemble, surely he would understand.

King Monkey, for his part, seemed somewhat appeased with his Miraculous suit. It was a notably more Eastern style of dress, appearing more like robes worn by palace servants. He wore a light brown waistcoat with wide sleeves over a blouse and a wrap-around skirt. It looked heavy, but Kim seemed to have no trouble with it. Maybe it was made of a lighter material…?

And Viperion’s dress was different in style as well. Whereas his maid outfit as Luka had been more punk, this was more sleek. Wearing a green sleeveless dress and white smock, as well as what appeared to be a green corset. The dress had a slit at the sides, giving more maneuverability for his legs…as well as more show, given the appearance of a garter belt and stockings. His shoes were high heeled but including a beautiful snake design that wrapped around his ankles. To finish it off, rather than remain bare, his arms were covered in what appeared to be loose green sleeves that started at his elbows and extended to his wrists.

…maybe a picture or two wouldn’t hurt? Or three? Because the amount of details on these outfits were amazing and she was just brimming with ideas now…

Ladybug broke out of her musings when someone tugged on her shoulder to get her attention.

It was Chat. Chat who, much like the other heroes, as dressed in a fantastical outfit. Though a maid outfit, it was definitely more cat-themed with a giant paw-like gloves covering his hands, a paw print on his apron, and bow and bell on his tail which rang as he shifted.

What material was that made of, anyway? She kind of wanted to give it a feel and see if she could find something to compare it to. Maybe a quick sketch?

Oh. Right.

Akuma.

Maybe if she was lucky, they could finish this quickly so she could rush back home and take notes while she still had the ideas bouncing in her brain.

…maybe someone would have gotten pictures by then…?

“Ladybug?” Chat whispered, snapping her back to reality.

“Yes?”

Chat frowned in concern. “Is the Guardian okay with this?”

Ladybug froze.

“PSST! Ladybug!” Came a voice from a nearby rooftop, drawing her attention.

“Master Fu?”

“Ladybug! Here’s the Miracle Box. Take as many allies as you can and resolve this as soon as possible!”

“Master? Are…you hiding in a box?”

“No questions! Just go!”

“…he’s fine.”

Chat seemed uncertain, but decided not to pry.

“Let’s just split up and find the akuma.” Ladybug said. “But don’t engage until we’re all together!”

With that, the six split into three groups, with Chat and Carapace going one way and King Monkey and Pegasus going another, leaving Ladybug and Viperion searching together with the former trying not to get caught stealing peeks at the latter.

“Is something wrong?” He asked with a smile.

…trying. The key word was trying not to get caught.

“No! Nothing!” She replied quickly. “I’m just…surprised that you can still move so quickly in those heels.”

“I’ve had practice.” He explained, still smiling. He even lifted one leg behind him, managing to stand perfectly balanced even on one leg in heels.

“I…see.”

Part of her wanted very much to laugh. It was the same part that had found this entire day ridiculous. The other part of her was her inner artist at work and really wanted to make a few sketches inspired from the presented outfits. Like Viperion’s sleeves…and those shoes with a snake coil wrapping around the ankle…

“Ladybug!”

Gaah! Focus!

She turned towards the shout to find King Monkey and Pegasus stumbling towards her.

Her fingers twitched. She ignored it.

“We found the akuma.” King Monkey reported. “She doesn’t seem to be doing anything. Just…kind or roaming around.”

“And laughing.” Pegasus added bitterly. “She appears to be doing a lot of that.”

“How’s THAT for ‘doll them up’?” Came a shout from street level. “HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, HUH?!”

As if on cue…

Ladybug and the others peeked over the edge of the roof.

“Has she displayed any other powers?” She asked.

“No.” Pegasus replied. “From what we could see, her power has already been activated to…obvious effect.” He hesitated, resolutely avoiding mentioning his new outfit or the indignity he’d already suffered. “She has only been laughing. And tripping the occasional person while searching for someone in particular—possibly the one responsible for her ire.”

Ladybug nodded. “At least she’s distracted and doesn’t know we’re here. We just need a plan of attack before we try to fight her.”

“No problem!” King Monkey said with a grin as he reached for his weapon. “We can just do a head on attack with our weapons and—”

They stared.

In place of his staff was a broom. A normal cleaning broom.

They sent cautious glances to each other before they checked their own inventory.

Said inventory consisted of a broom, a bucket, and a feather duster.

“I believe that constitutes as a problem.” Pegasus stated worriedly.

“That’s no fair!” King Monkey exclaimed. “Adrien was able to summon a machete!”

Ladybug blanched at that. “A what?!”

Pegasus pushed up his glasses. “I believe it’s a component of his…‘cosplay’?”

“Pfft!” Ladybug covered her mouth with her hand.

“Ladybug?”

“I-it’s nothing!” She replied hurriedly.

Viperion raised his eyebrow at her but didn’t comment.

King Monkey at least seemed to take it in stride.

“Now we just need a plan for attack!”

“With what?!” Pegasus questioned, waving the feather duster in frustration. “Our weapons don’t work!”

“More like our weapons aren’t actually weapons.” Viperion said, considering his bucket.

“I could smack her.” King Monkey offered, holding up his broom. “Maybe your feather duster has dust on it and could make her sneeze?”

Pegasus gave him a flat look.

“I think the broom is the best weapon we have right now.”

“Don’t knock a bucket!” King Monkey commanded, resolutely. “I got one stick on my head one time and it took hours to get it off! Buckets are evil, man!”

Pegasus sighed and rubbed his head. “It concerns me that you’re the second person I know whom that has happened to.”

Ladybug coughed, discretely trying to draw attention off that particular subject lest identities be at risk. “Anyway, I think I have a plan...”

______________________

To be honest, it wasn’t that difficult of an akuma. Especially not with six of them teaming up against it.

Akumaid truly see to have no ability other than the initial one of transforming what any male in Paris was wearing into something embarrassing...unless you were Adrien, apparently. Aside from that, she showed no other power—neither over the clothes themselves or the people wearing them. Well, she wasn’t controlling any of the victims or shrinking the clothing to choke them at any rate...which if you think about it, was rather lame for an akuma in the power department.

The only real disadvantage in battle came in the difficulty the boys had moving freely in their current outfits. And the afore noted lack of proper weaponry.

Their advantage of surprising was ruined by Chat’s bell ringing before they could ambush her, and both Carapace and Pegasus losing balance with their heels and falling over. King Monkey’s outfit, while longer, also meant more fabric to flap about and resist his movements regardless of how light it may have been, so he wasn’t able to get a hit in fast enough before the akuma turned on him and knocked him away.

Chat was able to get a hit in though.

With his…Kitty Wand…

“THIS IS MAGICAL PUNISHMENT!” He shouted as he smacked the akuma over the head.

“Chat. Chat no. Chat why?”

And Ladybug had hopelessly lost her composure by this point and was laughing. Just laughing. Laughing so hard she was crying actual tears as she smacked her own thigh in her struggle to breathe. Viperion was trying to help her stay standing, keeping an arm around her to support her as she half leaned and half chuckled tears into his chest.

“What’s going on? Does the akuma have some power over Ladybug, too?” King Monkey asked.

…

Viperion sighed.

“Sure. Something to that effect.”

Ladybug wheezed.

“LADYBUG!”

“Lu-haha-lucky haha-charm!”

It said something when her own Lucky Charm magicked up a paper bag. With Ladybug still victim to her fit of giggles, Viperion simply put the bag over her face and had her try to breathe.

“A paper bag doesn’t help with out of control laughing.” Pegasus noted as he forced himself to his feet.

“Do you want to try to figure out the Lucky Charm?” Viperion bit out in annoyance, Ladybug still shaking in his arms.

Pegasus coughed and backed away. “No, thank you.”

Ladybug let out another giggle.

“All right, enough! I’ll stop her!” Carapace shouted, reaching for his back. “With my…serving plate.”

His shield.

His precious shield was gone.

“…Carapace?” Ladybug asked.

The newly rendered Turtle Maid sighed and simply threw the plate as he had his shield, not expecting much.

…the plate slice flew through the air at a surprising speed, but missed the akuma entirely. Instead, it sailed past her, hitting a light post.

Ladybug had expected it to bounce, but instead there was a sound of shredding metal as the serving plate actually tore through the lamp post and into the concrete itself.

The lamp post, now detached, tilted and fell over—conveniently on top of the akuma before she had the time to realize what was happening and move out of the way.

SLAM!

It fell on top of her and she hit the ground.

“Huzzah?” Kim asked.

“Well…that’s one way to defeat an akuma.” Pegasus marveled.

“Great. Now can we fix this already?” Carapace asked impatiently. If they took too much longer, someone was bound to catch them.

That someone would probably be Alya.

And that was the last thing he wanted at this point.

“But I kind of wanted to make a sketch at least…” Ladybug muttered to herself, holding the paper bag Charm to her chest.

“LADYBUG!”

She waved her hands insistently. “I’m on it!”

But she could dream…

“MIRACULOUS LADYBUG!”

It was with some disappointment that the Miraculous Cure wiped away the outfits of the other heroes, returning them to their original costumes.

“OH THANK GOD!”

“That was…horrible…”

“Corsets were invented as a torture method, I swear…”

“Shieldy!” Carapace exclaimed, hugging the shield in relief. “Never leave me again!”

“You okay now, Ladybug?” Chat asked her in worry.

“I’m fine.” She said, even though she wasn’t really. She felt like she’d missed a chance, even if it was for the greater good. But it would have been an abuse of her power to be taking pictures of the guys in that state and she already felt bad enough for breaking down laughing in the middle of the fight.

In that moment, however, the loveliness of ladybugs that made up the Cure returned from their task of restoring Paris to flow over Ladybug herself before vanishing, leaving her holding an envelope in their wake. Curious, she opened the envelope…

She gasped.

Inside were a multitude of photos of the other heroes. From different angles. In different positions. All of them in their new outfits.

Ladybug bit the inside of her cheek to keep from responding and drawing attention to herself.

…Thank you, Tikki.

Best. Kwami. Ever. “Ladybug…” Carapace said in growing wariness. “What is that?”

“Nothing!”

“Ladybug. That better not be what I think it is…”

She shoved the photos back in the envelope.

“It’s nothing at all!”

“Why don’t I believe you?”

Noticing the stand off, the others approached as well.

“It was just something I was missing, yeah.”

“Then let us see it.”

“Can’t.” She replied, clutching the envelope to her chest. “It’s…Ladybug stuff.”

“Hand it over. Right now!”

"NOOO! THESE ARE FOR THE FUTURE OF FASHIOOOON!”

“GIVE US THE PHOTOS!”

“Wait—did she get any of all of us in a group cosplay pic?”

“NOT NOW, CHAT!”

Unfortunately, that small distraction was all she needed to get away.

Viperion, the only one having been pretty nonchalant this whole time, simply watched her leave and the others shout after her.

“…isn’t she going to take our Miraculous back?”

_________________________

Angela sighed, already dreading what was to come.

It was a humiliating end to an already humiliating week as the former akuma victim had been forced to return to her job to go over the updates for the new Ladybug game with the rest of her team.

Said updates were apparently to include maid outfits for the female heroes thanks to one particular coworker who had decided to work on maid outfits for the female heroes instead of the level he was assigned. It had been part of the reason she had been angry enough to be akumatized.

The fact that he was insistent on shoving his maid fetish into the game for no good reason other than having them be eye candy was the other part.

The images in question that he insisted on bringing featured the three female super heroes of the city: Ladybug, Rena Rouge, and Queen Bee.

But not as anyone had ever seen them.

Instead of their usual hero suits, the three girls were portrayed in sultry, even provocative poses. And most notably, all three were wearing some mockery of a French Maid outfit…as what would be believed by Americans, no less.

They might as well have been the initial sketches of pinup posters.

“You can’t still be serious!”

“Hey, I’m not the one who got akumatized just because I was jealous that someone else had a good idea.” He said bitingly and giving her a pointed look, perhaps still a bit bitter of the aforementioned experience that her akumatization had caused.

“It’s not a good idea, John.” Angela countered. “There was no reason to have the girls be running in maid outfits.”

He shrugged. “We could just say an akuma did it. After all, we did just get an akuma who did exactly that.” He said, giving her another look.

She clenched her fists and was about to retort when their team lead entered the room.

The meeting commenced and she’d been forced to bite her tongue. Each of the team members went over their progress and updates for their contribution to the game. Level design. Enemies. Testing.

And then came his grand achievement. Instead of the level he was assigned, he gave scantily clad designs for three of the eight known heroes.

What effort.

“I was thinking we really need to include something to make our game stand out, so I made some extra skins for the heroes.” He bragged, sending her a smug look. “The appeal would sell plenty of copies.”

“Or the controversy.” Angela muttered back before turning to the team lead and hoping that the man leading their group had more empathy…or sense.

The team lead looked over the designs with an analyzing gaze. Tiffeny, despite the initial impression his name would give, was a rather buff man who took no shit. But was also a guy. Who liked guy things. But did those things include young women in maid costumes?

After a moment, Tiffeny dropped the pictures on the table and looked at John incredulously. “You know, if you were going to base skins off recent events, you could at least have been authentic.”

John stared. “What?”

“It was the guys who were affected by Akumaid. Not the girls. If we’re going to do maids, we need to keep it true to life, just like the rest of the designs we’ve included. We talked about this when we started this project.”

“But it’s what the audience wants!” John argued.

“Do you know who comprises the majority of our audience?” Tiffeny asked. “Girls. Girls, gay guys, and those who are exploring their interests. Guys in the outfits would sell leagues more than the girls.” He started ticking his fingers “It’s different. It’s original. And it’s based in actual events. People would love it.”

“But…they’ll love this!”

“Man, if people wanted to see sexy girls in skimpy clothing, they’d play literally any other game! Or watch porn.” Tiffeny explained. “But what game do you know of has had guys in maid outfits?”

“Well...”

“Exactly. We want to stand out. And we even have recent events as justification. So if you’re going to be wasting time you should be spending on level-making to put people in maid skins, then get those male heroes some maid costumes.”

“But that’s not fair!” John exclaimed.

Tiffeny paused at that. “Hmm…you’re right.”

With that, he turned to her. “You’re good at designing. Make some butler outfits for the girls. Something dashing to serve as a counter for the guys.”

Angela blinked in surprise for a moment before smiling.

“Sure thing!”

“You know…” one of the other workers noted. “While we’re on the subject, I WAS thinking of some medieval armor designs for the girls and princess dresses for the guys.”

“Hey yeah! Like a light green for Viperion!”

“Maybe teal might be better?”

“Ooo! How about…”

Soon enough, everyone seemed to be invested in the new plan.

Everyone that is, except John.

“Lovely!” Tiffeny said cheerfully. “Plan it out and bring the concepts to me later.”

With a new task in hand and John’s pouting to forever be a memory to hold onto, it seemed her day was looking up…

_________________________

“That was some akuma battle.” Marinette said as she slid into her seat next to Alya.

The reporter, however, only looked annoyed. “Ladybug had apparently called all the male heroes and I completely missed it!” She groaned and leaned back in her seat, bemoaning the lost opportunity.

If she’d hadn’t been so focused on tracking Nino for the purpose of collecting blackmail ensuring his safety, she would have been able to catch all of the male heroes in their maid outfits.

Marinette smiled. “You know…I may have a connection…”

Alya gasped.

“No.”

Marinette giggled and slid over her phone with a picture showing.

“NO WAY!” She cried out before staring up at Marinette in shock. “Girl, you have to send me these!”

“Wait—you have what now?” Nino had arrived, initially hopeful that he had avoided the worst of that day only to have those hopes immediately dashed upon arriving to see the two girls sharing what could only have been one thing…

“I have pictures of the heroes in their new outfits.” Marinette replied cheerfully as she swiped through her phone. “Oh look, Nino! You’re in here, too!”

“WHAT?! NO!” He shouted, rushing forward.

Marinette quickly grabbed back her phone and hid it in her pocket with an overly sweet and not at all innocent grin.

“Mari, come on, no! Don’t do this to me!” He begged.

“Don’t do this to ME!” Alya cut in. “You can’t just show me that and take it away! That’s just not fair!”

“Don’t worry.” Marinette assured them. “It’s going where all my blackmail material goes.”

“Wait what?”

“Since when do you have blackmail material?”

“Since somebody started a game of ‘let’s take pictures of Marinette while she’s asleep and post them online’.” Marinette replied dryly.

Nino groaned. “Come on! I said I was sorry!”

“And now I can be just as sorry.” She replied blithely.

Which was to say: not sorry at all.

“Come on! Alya made me do it!”

“It was just in fun! Marinette! Please!”

“Do you want me to beg? Cry? I’ll cry.”

“I’ll pay you! Pretty please! At least the heroes if nothing else!”

“Oh no you don’t!”

“My blog NEEDS this!”

Marinette smiled at the minor chaos she had caused as the normally happy couple bickered with each other.

Sweet sweet music.

“Hey, Marinette!”

And speaking of sweet…

She turned to look up at a certain blond-haired model as he arrived at his own desk. Though he seemed to be a bit distracted by the arguing couple.

“Hey, Adrien!” She greeted, for once with no stutter to speak of.

“Hey, um…are they okay?” He asked, gesturing to the two.

“Oh, they’re fine.” She said, waving them off. “Just…a bit excited over the recent akuma.”

At that, Adrien brightened. “Wasn’t it awesome?”

She nodded, trying to keep her laughter inside.

“You…ah…enjoyed yourself then?”

Adrien shrugged, looking a bit sheepish. “Well, it’s not often I get to dress up in a way that’s ‘silly’. Or in anything that isn’t promoting Father’s brand. And I’ve never gotten to cosplay. So it was…really fun.”

Oh. Ouch. Okay, that one kind of hurt. The poor Sunshine Child…

“You know…” Marinette said, leaning over her desk and smiling at him. “I’ve seen a bit of that one anime you mentioned.”

“Cells at Work?” He asked, brightening up.

She nodded. “Mmhmm. I could make you a jacket based off the lead Red Blood Cell. And if you like, I can keep it so you can wear it whenever we hang out.”

He gasped. “Really?”

“Sure! Maybe you can come over sometime so we can try a fitting. We could even play Mecha Strike.”

Adrien beamed. “That sounds great! Thanks, Marinette!”

She waved him off and went back to full sitting in her seat.

Alya and Nino both became distracted from their arguing by the miracle they had just witnessed.

Marinette Dupain-Cheng had just spoken to Adrien Agreste…and not a stutter to be heard!

“What the heck, girl?” Alya whispered, sliding into her seat beside her friend. “Since when could you do THAT and why haven’t you done it sooner? I could swear I saw hearts in his eyes!”

Marinette shrugged, grinning sheepishly. “After seeing Adrien Agreste in a maid dress, I kind of wondered why I was so scared of talking to him to begin with.”

Alya laughed. “Well, at least something good came out of this, then.”

“You know...more good WOULD come out of this if I had pics of those heroes..." 

“Really, Alya?”

“You’re pretty much the only one who managed to get any shots of the male heroes!” Alya exclaimed. “Seriously, how?!”

Marinette giggled.

“Just lucky, I guess.”

________________________

OMAKE 1:

Knock! Knock!

“Felix?” His mother called on the other side of the locked and barricaded door. “Will you be coming out?”

“That depends. Do you have a camera?”

A pause. Which was all the answer he needed.

“Then no.”

OMAKE 2:

Fortunately, in the midst of their searching, the team had managed to find the akuma and her primary target, getting between the two.

“So what happened?” Ladybug asked him.

John gripped his skirt, nervously. “She’s my coworker in developing a new video game and she didn’t like my input.”

“What set her off?”

The guy rolled his eyes. “She’s one of those types who wants to take the fun out of video games.”

“What?” Ladybug blinked.

“Okay, so I wanted to put some maid costumes in the game! It was just for fun! Besides, it would have added a bit of pizazz! Something for the players to enjoy!”

“You could just try making a good game.” Pegasus pointed out. “If you have to rely on a cheap gimmick to get buyers, it may not be a good product.”

"I'm sorry, really! I mean, sure, I'm still going to put it in the game, because who wouldn't want hot maids, but still! That doesn't mean I deserve this!"

The akuma raised her fist and shouted at him. “THEY ARE HEROES, DAMMIT! THEY DESERVE BETTER THAN MAID SKINS JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE GIRLS!”

Ladybug blanched. “Wait…is the game about me?”

Pegasus coughed and looked away. “There have been…rumors, yes.”

Viperion tilted his head. “That seems like a double standard though…since we’re the ones in maid outfits...”

“Not the point, Viperion!”

Ladybug frowned.

“I don’t think I want to help now.”

“Ladybug!”

[freewheelshippin]

30 utapri questions!

Thanks @dekiaibadchoices​ for the tag, this was an awesome way to wind down after a ton of nonstop busy busy busy!!! (and thanks for tagging this blog vs the general utapri one so i can REALLY gush LOL) Here’s the OG meme! 

1. Your best boy?

BANANAMAN RAN WHO ELSE  

2. Your least favorite boy?

“least favorite” implies dislike which...not true! truthfully it’s much of HEAVENS by nature of ‘I haven’t spent as much time getting to know these characters so I don’t really know who they are.’ (though I already know I love to go for drinks and snacks with Van hehe) i do like all of HEAVENS quite a bit from what i’ve seen so far but that affection has not had time to ripen! 

3. A character that you never thought you would love as much as you do now?

mnmnj ranran tbh 

4. A character you can relate to in any way?

I can’t answer everything with Ranmaru but like. His ambition, straightforwardness, and how the soul and spirit of music motivate him to move forward beyond a tough past are things I same hat so much ;; But HONESTLY I also relate a lot to Masa and Tokiya, especially in their moments of self-doubt and dramatic commitment to to their art? 

5. A character that you think deserves more love?

Oh, Cecil, without a doubt. He’s such a resilient, committed, and open-hearted cutie and gets really shafted by canon tbh. Which makes it harder for everyone to see what a great boy this sweetie is! But I appreciate how Shining Live has given him some room to have really cute and standout moments so everyone can love him more but okay like, give me more Ceci and Ran palling around I love him most when they’re up to shenanigans 

6. A character you would want as your partner?

well we’re posting this fuckin here so you all fuckin know (im very embarrass rn i can barely say it lmao) 

(for the record i would also very much like to be friends with reiji and syo, they are cool people i think i’d get along with! and i know myself, if i knew otoya or masato IRL i’d just be like ‘well. that’s my son now’ and basically appoint myself their tough big sis-type-friend lookin out for them lol) 

7. A character you would want as your mentor/senpai?

I would swallow a pinecone before I called him ‘onii-san’ but teach me how to network kotobuki-senpai 

(No, like, forreal, I suck so, so bad at a ton of stuff Reiji is aces at, and I respect the hell out of his *waves* general everything and skilll navigating the industry. Since I’m a goofy, jokey, overenthusiastic teacher for work a lot it’d be nice to be on the receiving end of all that energy! and be a fucking decent kouhai that isn’t so horribly unappreciative of all his hard work and good cheer ) 

8. Your favorite ship?

shut your whore mouth i dont have the marbles to write it out 

(tbh it’s also Haru/Tomo, I just feel so much more romantic chemistry between those two than Haru and any of the boys u___u  Friends’ selfship stuff goes without saying, haha, and ngl I’m kind of About a Ren/Van rivalry hatemance? can i call it a kismesis thing? it’s a kismesis thing.) 

(actually no I think I’m just a member of the “Ren Fucks and sometimes it’s Hatesex” club) 

9. A character that you want to cosplay/have already cosplayed?

I had plans to cosplay Ranmaru a couple months ago bc it’s really not much of a stretch for my wardrobe, haha, but I dunno about that anymore! Part of it was wanting the Euphoria of looking like a tough, twunky, princely anime character but tbqh I’m already that every day of my life so 

I suppose if you were to pull my leg I’d go for cosplaying Van, mostly because I wanna try that mullet on for myself. 

10. Favorite side character?

TOMO!! LOVE U BITCH WHEN WILL I HEAR U SINGGGGGG 

11. Your favorite solo song?

god this is horrible how can I decide??? so many good ones??? I think it’s a draw between Top Star Revolution, No. 1, Brand New Melody, Wild Soul, Seien Brave Heart, and Junketsu Nara Ai ~Aspiration~ ??? 

12. Your favorite duet song?

HMMMMM again too many good ones. Three-way tie between Haru Hana, NorthWind and SunShine, and Original Resonance! 

13. Your favorite trio song?

Ahhh Dream More than Love is really nostalgic bc it’s the first Utapri song I really loved, but i gotta be real. It’s just Egoistic. There’s just no getting better than Egoistic 

14. Your favorite group song?

mmmm i’m be basic. Poison Kiss 

15. Your least favorite song?

I love Ai and Shouta Aoi’s incredible voice but......I’m really not a fan of super slow, overly-saccharine songs. u__u so A.I. really, really doesn’t land with me, much less so than easygoing (like Knocking on the Mind) or somber (like Winter Blossom) songs. 

16. Your favorite singer?

ranran...it’s always ranran...

(I do also adore Natsuki’s and Camus’s voices! I tend to like deeper, richer vocal qualities, but you just can’t beat Ranmaru’s subtle growls and high-energy rock!!!! <3) 

17. Your favorite group/trio/duo?

god what combo of these idiots DONT i love? I could watch Reiji prank and tease Ranmaru all fuckin day, and I also really like it when Ran’s at his most ‘tuff big bro-y’ with, like, Ai, Otoya, and Cecil!!! but honestly I do like how the Ran/Masa/Ren trio isn’t so straightforward and is more or less held together by a thin string of professionalism, there’s something i appreciate about not forcing ppl to just bury the hatchet and be Perfect Friends but you all can still care about each other? (Ranmaru needs to be nicer to them still but...) 

i need to suggest one that isn’t ranmaru centric fjdsioafjsa i fuckin love Soccer Buds (otosyo) and I loooooove it when Otoya and Cecil are good to each other!!! 

18. Your favorite member of Starish?

they’re all my favorite but if you REALLY had to make me pick.....Masato, probably, haha. I just...if you take yourself too seriously and care so much about everything but still know how to be Nasty how can I not love you??? 

19. Your favorite member of Quartet Night?

what do you fuckin think, hoss 

20. Your favorite member of Heavens?

I mentioned earlier I don’t really know Heavens well, so ofc this is all liable to change! But off the bat I love what a conniving yet wholesome bastard Eiichi is and Van is just the kinda guy I would rib and pal around with IRL!! 

21. Your favorite seiyuu/voice actor?

Ahhh that’s tough! I love all these goofbags, and Tattsun really is just so cool and makes music I’m pretty about. But I think I gotta give it to Suwabe, his performances are always so him but still pretty varied, and how can you not adore a man who loves his chihuahuas that much??? 

(if i’m being 100% honest Tattsun lost points bc he voices my absolute least favorite character in granblue ffjsfjisda) 

22. Favorite Drama CD?

HMMMMMMM see as a certified Giant Tool for Everything Mecha and silly and extra, I enjoyed the hell out of Polaris, but it really suffers from a lack of Ranmaru in my humble fuckin opinion lmao. So even though I’m not one for pirate stuff most of the time, I gotta give it to Pirates of the Frontier!! I really loved Ranmaru and Otoya’s dynamic in that one, and Camus was juuuuust the right amount of shitheel, too. 

I haven’t heard the whole thing but that thing from Egoistic where Natsuki squeezes Ranmaru to death and Eiichi’s just like ‘WUAHAHAHAHAH’ is also the mcfuckin best. 

23. Your favorite shining live card?

CAN’T PICK 

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PICK?????????? LIKE??? I love the fucking dumb, dumb, dumb ostentatiousness of Evil Villains, I LOVE a good heel, and I also worked so so hard to t1 that event and had a lot of fun doing it!! But also, I just love his big smile and all the energy and mixed prints from Fortune and Prosperity, and it was literally the first time I ever got the exact card I was rolling for in a gacha on the last pull I had left!! (He also came home during a time I was really going through some shit, and ngl it rescued me a little bit!) but AHHHH Soulful Bass also came out right around my birthday, I love all the textures in the outfit and it’s generally the most My Aesthetique thing Utapri has ever released!!! And god, I just love it when he’s so confident and in his element like this, it sets me on FIRE to see him light up the stage wurghjgfj ;___; They all make me just want to HUG SO MUCH ARGGHHHHH 

24. Your favorite song beatmap?

Ahhh I think Shining Live really has great beatmaps across the board so that’s a tough pick! Almost all of them are super fun in their own way, but I think I gotta hand it to Wild Soul, Top Star Revolution, and Innocent Wind! 

25. Your least favorite song beatmap?

A.I. u__u Sorry, Ai...it’s just not fun for me.

26. Black Deja Vu or White Gravity?

Actually I’m really glad for this question bc I’ve been so busy lately I hadn’t given myself the time to really check them out! checking ......... 

and yep. Black Deja Vu. (I mean...Ranmaru is on it, haha.) But I’m so about this. Love this heavier sound and all these harmonies, this is so juicy. (White Gravity also absolutely kicks ass though!! I’m really liking that voice group, it’s making especially good use of those higher registers!) 

27. Utapri merch that you own/want?

Honestly I don’t have much u__u Not a lot of Utapri merch is my thing...you know? I’m mostly shopping for Ran merch if I’m getting any, but I’m very picky about how he gets drawn? Keeping his toughness and a particular clothing style about him is so essential, haha, and barely anything hits that sweet spot for me. But I will say I adored the whole ‘My Favorite Things’ series, and if I had the budget and space atm I’d love to get some of the Ran goodies from that line! 

28. How did you get into Utapri?

I first heard about it through some acquaintances from cosplay before Quartet Night was a thing. It didn’t appeal enough to my heavy metal ass to make me drop everything and try it, but I did have an interest in it I couldn’t explain and I’d always intended on trying it out. (especially after I got into Love Live and idol anime for a bit.) But it was Shining Live that got me! And I really only downloaded Shining Live because I was super exhausted after a business trip, didn’t want to leave bed once I got back home, and just wanted to sink my teeth in something new I could enjoy for hours while lying down, haha.  

29. A set theme in shining live that you want to see in the future?

This will surprise nobody, but something tougher. More rock, more punk, more metal. I want all of them in studs and spikes and leather, and I want less polish. More rough! 

I’d also love a wrestler set complete with who’s-a-heel-who’s-a-face but that’s a pipe dream and a half, lmao. 

30. Why do you love your best boy?

Oh boy. 

I think he’s this powerhouse of a human bean who can face a ton of pain and meet it with a big middle finger. And that middle finger is chasing after ambitious dreams, of spreading the power and soul of the same music that made me who I am and influences so much of my work, but also being ... you know, smart about it? He’s an idol because like, sure, maybe it’s not the OG dream, but you can’t dream if you’re dead, and you also deserve to give yourself a life and platform to share some of who you are, and you can do a lot of good with that, too. (And I won’t lie, I respect the drama of a man who takes his hair that seriously and commits so hard to the aesthetic he wears fuckin mismatched contacts i just. charm point ) 

But at the same time....I don’t know, this might sound presumptuous, but. I think. I just think he’d think I’m as neat as I think he is. I’m an ambitious, passionate person, too, and I also furiously stick to my ideals, and I also love the same kind of soul of music he does. I lean a little more metal than I do rock, but I think that’s nice, like sharing it has that ‘alike but different’ kind of familiarity and novelty all at once. Sometimes it’s tough sharing just how deeply rock and metal have sculpted me and my artwork (and therefore my career), bc it’s so deeply personal to me, and sometimes there’s weird elitism/misogyny/racism to deal with, too. But. The way he talks about rock, the way he describes the passion and how it transcends identity and is just a pure rush of power and sharing your feelings..................it just feels like he Gets it the same way I do. Just that unspoken, burning passion and understanding. I know it sounds weird to feel that strongly over just a music genre, but I just vibe with how to him, it really isn’t ‘just’ a music genre. I feel more accepting of myself for it, and I’d like to think he’d be real proud of himself for that.  

And listen, like....I’m very sentimental, but I really don’t like saccharine, flowery, romantic kinds of affection to be lavished on me. Just be straightforward but also a little tsun about it fjdsjfas and ..... those are the kind of feelings I can accept. And that’s the way Ranmaru is, and it’s also grounded in the kind of reality that I don’t like to be swept away from. He’s just so cool and hardworking and unwavering in his passion, it makes it easier for me to do the same despite all the bumps in the road. This got real long but Ran’s a cool dude, haha, I got a lot of positives to say. 

Anyways, I never tag folks for these things, but I love seeing everyone’s answers! If you see this and wanna fill it, feel free to count this as a tag from me :) I know this got real long, but with 30 questions how could it not haha? Thanks for reading and sticking around! 

[artemisnightingale216]

Love and What We Do In It’s Name: Chapter One- Unemployment

Authors Note: So here we finally are! The first official chapter! @sagetheai and I have been working tirelessly the last few days to put this together and I’m very happy with how it turned out! I’m also happy to note that a certain spider demon (who belongs to @vivziepop ) makes his debut as well! Hope you enjoy!

Read the prologue here

Memories are such an interesting yet perplexing thing. A single one can hold more meaning than an entire lifetime. Some are filled with happiness and joy, the emotions we crave like the air we breath. Others bring the feeling of sadness and heartache, things we try to forget as time passes; in some cases, this is easier said than done. Then there are the simple moments, the ones that cause no real outburst of feelings, but still they can mean more to a person than all the money or knowledge in the world. More so than that, memories shape us into who we are and who we will become, how we treat ourselves and others, and what one will do in any given situation.

At least, that is what Ottilie had always believed. Being a person without many memories to go back to, it was really all she could do. She remembered her death. Other than that and her first name, not much else. No matter what she tried to recall about herself, that was all it ever came back to. That cold and dark night that had taken her short lived life away from her.

She assumed it had been short lived, at least. The face that stared back at her in the mirror when she dared look appeared young, but she could never be sure. Everyone around her looked young, even the ones who had been there long before her. One of the few perks of living in Hell, they called it.

The first memory she had, aside from dying, had been arriving in Hell. She remembered opening her eyes to a dark red sky that had seemed oddly beautiful despite its strange color, her confusion giving way to awe as she admired its unique hue. And then she fell from it, the air around her deafening as it pushed at her all the while she was pulled down at an alarming speed. She turned and watched as the ground below her came closer and closer, dread filling her now as she was sure that she was going to die. In those last few seconds, she had found that she did not fear death. Something told her that she should, but the dread she felt was only from the suffering that would no doubt come with it; she was not sure why, but she was tired of suffering. When she reached the ground, she heard the sickening crunch of her own bones breaking and felt the sticky sensation of her blood coating her skin, the pain she had known would come following quickly after.

She had lied there, broken in a pool of the dark red liquid, nearly the same color as the sky she had just been dropped from, waiting for it to end. She was aware of people walking past and around her, some even brazen enough to step right over her, and she wondered many a time why no one offered to help her. The pain eventually did end, but she did not die as she had thought she would. Instead, her bones had mended back together as if they had never broken in the first place; her blood took a bit more time and a headache formed from the lack thereof, but eventually she was able to sit up and look around.

There was a sense of familiarity to the buildings and shops that surrounded her, the structure of them calling forth some emotion she could not place, but at the same time they were completely foreign to her. Nearly everything was made of either stone or wood and seemed mute in color, the sky being just about the only bright thing as far as the eye could see. What drew her attention next was the fire that clung to some of the buildings, making her wonder why no one was trying to put it out, but it did not seem to be damaging anything that it touched; something had sparked inside of her at the sight of it and made her turn away quickly, not wanting to look at it any longer.

That was when she noticed the people. Some were dressed in fine suits and elegant dresses, their hair combed and done up in curls with large hats covering their heads, while others wore tattered rags and walked the streets barefoot. It was not their attire, however, that made her stare in shock, but their bodies. A great many of them had horns and teeth that looked like they could tare through anything they sank into, but many more bore animal like appearances with more than just two arms or legs and fur covered ears that were just about as tall as their heads. She could not even begin to name the creatures that they appeared as, but that had more to do with the fact she could not remember what they were called. Some of them had noticed her staring and brushed her off, but others took on looks of anger and turned their noses up at her. She was called words such as: harlot, skank, bitch, dumbass, and many other colorful terms she did not know meant what at the time.

It was not until she caught her reflection in a pane of glass that she realized she was no different from them. Though she did not bare the appearance of an animal, per say, it was still a bit of a sight to see. Her skin was a light, sickly blue tinted purple in some areas and a permanent blush that ran across the bridge of her nose and along her cheeks appeared to have been painted there. Her hair, which was in a state of disarray no doubt a result of her fall, tumbled down her back in long strands of lavender. Jutting out from her temples were two sets of matching horns the same color as her skin, the tips tinged purple and blending with the blue near the middle, the top set twice as big as the lower. She could not quite tell if she was short or tall with everyone around her varying in height, but she could only guess she was at least at or slightly below average and her body was rather petite. Her left eye was a stunningly brilliant shade of blue, much more vibrant than her skin, and her sclera was only just slightly darker than with dark lashes framing it in a complementary manner.

She knew immediately, however, that something was wrong with the right side of her face. It looked wildly different from the rest of her and even she knew that it was not supposed to look like that. She brought a hand up to touch it, but she was shocked to find that she could not see it in front of her face. She waved the hand to and fro, able to see it when it came into view of her left eye, but not her right. It was then she realized that her hands did not look right either and when she looked down she found that from the elbows down were in the same state.

People stared at her as she passed, making her notice what she had failed to before. They knew she looked odd, too. Even compared to the ones with scales and tales that trailed behind them, she stood out the most; she would come to find out later that she had a tail as well, but it had been hidden from sight beneath her tattered dress that day.

Much time had passed since then. Hell had changed right along with it, but Ottilie had stayed the same. She still wore dresses that brushed along the ground, heels that were appropriate for a woman but didn't meet the height requirements of what was expected, and her long hair was still pinned back away from her face while still trailing behind her in long waves. She was stuck.  Stuck in a time period she wasn't even sure she belonged to.

She knew this to be true as she stepped out from her tiny cottage squished between two large apartment buildings on the Southwest side of the Pentagram. People staring at her like they were better than she was, but she simply ignored them.

“What is that girl wearing?”

“I wouldn't be caught dead in something like that.”

“You're already dead, you dumb bitch.”

“Is she wearing gloves? In this heat?”

“Some people really need to catch up with the times. She looks like she's going to a cosplay party.”

“What the fuck is cosplay?”

She felt the weight of their stares and the sting of their words and would have been blushing if her cheeks weren't already so red, but looking back and showing them they affected her would only spur them on, so she simply stared at the ground, careful to look far enough ahead so she would not run into anyone as she made her way to work. Despite her shy demeanor and odd choice of clothing, Ottilie had been lucky enough to find a well paying job for someone who lived alone and that was not far from her little home.

“Good morning, Boris,” Ottilie said quietly as she walked past the bouncer and up to the front doors of a large building lit up in spotlights.

“Hey,” Boris grunted back in reply, his thick arms crossed over his broad chest as he leaned against the wall behind him. The large bull demon never had bothered to learn her name. Not that it bothered her; companionship never was her forte.

Ottilie stepped inside and was greeted with the sight of people bustling about and fluttering their hands in mad gestures as they prepared for an upcoming scene. Stage lights were being repositioned and fixed into place so they lit up certain areas of the set. Cameras were pushed into various spots so that multiple angles could be captured all at once. Voices could be heard shouting back and forth, the conversations jumbled and confusing to the untrained ear. Outside, she would have found all of this to be overwhelming, but here it was just another normal day for her.

She made her way towards the back of the set, ducking under props and once again avoiding bumping into anyone, no one seeming to care if she was there or not. She reached a door painted a light pink, a gold star nailed to the wooden surface, and pulled out a set of keys. Unlocking the seemingly overly tall door, she turned the knob and stepped inside. Flipping on the lights, the fuschia and baby pink room once again greeted her for the day. Though fairly large, the room was packed full of so much furniture and stage props that it was almost claustrophobic. Along one wall was a long mirror surrounded by small lights that lit up the glass in an almost ethereal yellow glow. Beneath it was a table laid out with various makeups and accessories, almost enough to make ones head spin. On the wall beside it was row after row of costumes that were all lovely in their own right hung on rolling racks and a large bright red wardrobe stood in the middle, its contents even more appealing than the outfits on either side of it. A full sized bathroom occupied the other wall, the only thing separating the two being the carpet and tiled flooring. The wall beside Ottilies head was covered in picture after picture, all of them of the same person, some featuring one or two previous fellow cast members. Tucked into a corner was a small white polka dotted and fuschia colored pet bed which currently sat unoccupied; it had been placed beneath the makeup table more times than she could count on both hands and feet, but had been dragged right back into the corner no sooner than it was placed, so she simply left it alone now.

Finally back in the comfort of solitude, she shrugged off her overcoat and hung it on the coat rack beside the door, her shoulders surprisingly bare despite the old fashion design of her dress. She then walked over to the wall of costumes and carefully riffled through them to avoid wrinkling the fabrics until she came to the dress she was looking for. After removing it from its hanger, she threw the skirts over the top of a headless and limbless mannequin and worked it down until the plastic figure was dressed in it. Opening a bottom drawer in the wardrobe, she quickly found the matching boots to the ensemble and placed them where the feet should have been.

Completely unaware of the fact, she hummed to herself all the while she worked, content in the quiet as she took out pins and a needle and worked at the few loose threads she had missed. She was next to never aware of when or if she was humming. Only when she stopped and felt that familiar tingle in her chest did she know she’d been doing it. Very few people had ever heard her hum and she had always made sure no one was around if she decided to sing; that was something she did only when she had complete privacy. Perhaps it had something to do with her past, but she recoiled at the very idea of anyone hearing her so much as utter a single note worthy of being considered a song.

She continued to hum as she stepped over to the mirrored wall, her hands quick across the table as she moved the cosmetics into place for better reach. She was usually more careful around mirrors, but she happened to glance up and catch her reflection in the illuminated glass, her hands pausing in their task. Her blank expression deepened into a scowl and she quickly looked away from the mirror, unable to stand the sight of the person who looked back at her for the few seconds she had glanced into it. Though the right side of her face was covered by the sweep of her bangs, she did not much like looking at her reflection in general. Even in the mornings when she would be dressing or doing her hair for work, there would be no mirrors for her to look at even if she wanted to.

Her eyes now back on the table, she let her fingers slowly graze over the blushes, powders, and foundations that sat there. Not for the first time, she wondered if they could even begin to cover up the imperfections that damaged her body to the point where she felt she had to hide them.

That train of thought was quickly dashed away as the door opened behind her and brought her back to reality. Her hands quickly went back to work, placing the last containers of blush and foundation into their proper order, before she turned around to face the person that stood in the doorway.

Standing at eight feet tall, the figure that stepped into the room had to duck his head just to fit through the doorway even with the extended height of the door. Like most demons, he was as strange looking as they came. Complete with not only two arms, but four, the appendages seemed almost too long for his thin and lanky body; the second pair appeared to sprout from his rib cage just below his chest. Though he had a stick-like figure, his chest was rather voluptuous, which may have had something to do with the white fur gathered there, and the second thing one would notice about him after his height. His legs, which were curved like an animals, had to be the longest part of his body, serving to give him his tall stature. He sported a smoothly angled face with a smile as wide as his head baring sharp teeth and a single gold tooth that gleamed in the light. His light pink hair speckled with spots of fushia somehow always managed to stay up and away from his head while also still being soft to the touch, a feet he showcased whenever he was in a flirty mood by running his fingers through the medium length strands. His eyes, one completely black with a magenta colored iris that had no pupil and the other being relatively normal with a matching iris, were large and rather striking on his face; beneath each eye were sets of three magenta colored dots that almost resembled freckles and helped draw attention toward them.

Much like Ottilie, most of his clothing was a blast from the past. His top was a white and pink striped blazer with padded shoulders and a hem that reached just past his hips; the top buttons were always left undone, leaving his chest nearly on full display and causing the fur there to puff further. Around his neck he wore a black bowtie, the center matching his eyes, and just above it was a thin black choker that seemed just a bit too tight around his thin neck, perhaps just the way he liked it. His hands, already long and slender as they were, were made even more so by the gloves he wore on each hand, the fabric loose around his arms despite the way they clung to his hands. Rather than pants, his hips and butt were just barely covered by a pair of extremely short shorts and high heeled boots that ran up nearly the entire length of the long limbs.

“Hello, Angel Dust,” she said as the tall figure closed the door behind himself, her voice quiet and monotone yet somehow warm in greeting him. Like most demons, Angel Dust went by a pseudonym rather than his real name. Some did it to hide their identities while others just wanted to leave their old lives behind.

Angel smiled when he saw her standing by the makeup table, his second pair of arms crossing over his stomach while the other smoothed out his hair like it already wasn’t in its natural place to begin with. “Hey ya, toots. What’s shakin’?”

“Same as always,” she shrugged lightly as she pulled out one of the chairs that sat in front of the table. The first time he’d asked her that question, she’d been immensely confused and thought he was actually asking her if some part of her was shaking. He had burst out laughing when she explained that no part of her was shaking at the moment and explained what he meant after finally calming down. “What about you? How was your weekend?” she asked as he walked over and lowered himself into the chair.

“Fuck me in the ass and don’t even get me started!” Angel Dust scoffed dismissively, both sets of arms crossed now. “I couldn’t catch a break! First the hotel got attacked by these little egg shits then I was stuck cleanin’ ‘em up just ‘cause I was the one who ‘bashed ‘em in in the first place’! I asked why the maid couldn’t do it only to discover she’s been missin’ for the last two weeks! That probably explains why nobodys been makin’ my bed for awhile. Then come to find out someone put itching powder on all my sex toys! Took me two hours just to clean ‘em off and two showers before my crotch stopped itchin’! Felt like someone had set me on fire down there!”

“How would you know what that feels like?” she asked as she started applying his makeup while she listened, her hands able to find the right bottles, brushes, and sponges without even having to look where she was grabbing.

“Don’t ask,” Angel let out an exasperated puff of air, his eyes staring up at the ceiling as she used mascara to make his eyelashes look fuller and thicker. “So now I have to come up with a better prank or that fuddy-duddy antler boy is gonna win. Add all that to the fact I’ve been put on a detox until further notice and can’t have my fix, so I’ve just been a total bitch all weekend.”

“As opposed to how you usually are?” She ran a stick of eyeliner along his waterline and around his eyelids to make them pop against his magenta eyeshadow and white skin.

Despite her monotone voice, he knew she was only joking with him and couldn’t help but snicker. “Yeah, don’t you know I’m a saint?” His perturbed expression returned. “Now to top the cherry on the sunday: my gal pal Cherry ain’t allowed at the hotel no more! She ain’t allowed to spend the night or even visit! Who am I supposed to gossip with now?”

“Why was she banned?” Dark red lipstick was carefully rubbed along his lips, making them fuller as well.

Angel hummed as he rubbed his lips together to better apply the thick substance while she removed a tiny smear that had formed at the corner. “She threw a bomb down the toilet and pretty much destroyed the plumbing.” Ottilie paused and stared at him, wondering if he was serious. “She wanted to see if she could make the water in another toilet fly into the air,” he shrugged.

“That certainly would be interesting to see. What gave her that idea?” Dabbing a bit of blush on his cheeks, she was careful not to overdue it or risk clotting the fur there.

“The same reason why I’m on a detox right now.” He was all too serious as he stared up at her, the chair lower to the ground than normal furniture to give her easier access to his face. She didn’t seem shocked by this bit of news, knowing all too well the ‘bright ideas’ he could have once he got high enough. He leaned his head forward as she removed a wig from a styrofoam head in the wardrobe and place it over his natural hair, having to smooth it out first to keep it out of the way or risk having it poke out from underneath the synthetic do. He let out a long sigh. “If I’d have known it was going to be like dis, I don’t think I ever would’a gone to that place.”

“It cannot be all bad,” she pointed out as she cupped his face and turned it this way and that after lifting his head back up. “Did you or did you not say there was someone there you fancied?” She adjusted the wig, something that was not easily done with the big blonde hair, and fixed the bangs so they swept over his right eye.

“Husk?” he barked out in a laugh. “He don’t pay attention to nothin’ unless it’s in a bottle… and don’t tell me to get in a bottle ‘cause I already tried that.”

She nearly asked where he’d gotten a bottle that size, but then remembered who she was talking to. “Well, that aside, a detox may be good for you. You can go a little overboard sometimes.”

“But overboard is where the fun is!” he whined as she stepped back and he stood up, forcing her to look up and him down. The blank stare she gave him said it all. “Ugh. Fine. I’ll stick with it… for now.” Satisfied with that answer, she walked over to the mannequin and took the dress off of it, her hard work likely to be ruined if she pulled it the wrong way. He stepped over to her in a single stride, something he could easily do with legs as long as his, and ran his hands over the fabric as she held it up. “Damn, sweetcheeks. You outdone yourself this time!”

“Thank you.” A ghost of smile pulled at her lips, but it was gone almost as soon as it had come.

Almost all of the clothing Angel wore on set had been made by Ottilie. Her talent for sewing and designing dresses, like most other things in her second life, had been discovered accidentally while working one day. Angel had been about to go on when one of the stage hands stepped on the long train of fabric he’d been wearing and ripped it at the seams. After punching said stage hand and knocking him out cold, he’d pointed to her and demanded she fix this trainwreck. It came to both of them as a surprise when she grabbed a needle and thread and stitched up the tare like it had never been there in the first place. Able to go on in time so they weren’t behind schedule, he’d approached her afterwards, lifted her up like she weighed nothing, and proclaimed her to be his new personal makeup artist. The two had been friends ever since.

“Where’d you even get the fabric for dis?” His fingers were quick as he unbuttoned his blazer and removed it, neither of them caring that his was now half naked. She didn’t even blink as she leaned down and unzipped the back of his boots, letting him step out of them before pulling down his shorts and draping them over the back of the chair along with the blazer. Now on full display, she looked him over for a few seconds before reaching up and fluffing out the fur on his chest. “Oh, yeah baby. Just like that.”

She playfully smacked his arm. “I got it a new craft store on the West side of the Pentagram. Apparently the owner used to own another store when they were alive, but was sentenced to death after they found out he was using body parts for some of the products.” Angels eyes widened as they darted to the dress. “Worry not. The fabric is satin. I made sure to check.” He breathed a sigh of relief as she helped him step into the other pair of boots, his hands on her shoulders for balance; she was having a bit of trouble getting his feet to fit in just right.

“Harder! Harder! You know how I like it!” he laughed before she forcefully shoved the boot on. “Ouch! Hey, watch it, will ya?”

“Sorry. This is my first time.” She placed the other boot on his foot and zipped them both up. She felt a twinge of satisfaction when he snickered again, her head down as another small smile pulled at her lips. She stood up and picked up the dress again before holding it out so it pooled on the floor before he carefully stepped into it, neither of them wanting his heels to catch on the delicate fabric. She shimmied the garment up his long body until the bust was over his chest, holding it there as his long arms reached around the back and zipped it up.

Angel ran his hands down the length of his torso while she smoothed out the dress and began replacing his gloves with opera style ones, admiring his reflection as he turned towards the mirror, kissing the air and fluttering his lashes as he did. The wine colored satin was complementary to his complexion and the way the bottom layer hugged his legs while the top flared out made even his skinny hips look bigger and the fan-like design of the single strap across his shoulder drew attention to the sweeping neckline that let the top of his breasts hang out. The back of the dress was cut deep, reaching nearly all the way to his hips, allowing him free range of his lower arms while also giving a pleasing view of his back. “Ya know, I think dis might just be my favorite one yet.”

“I thought the Kitten one was your favorite?” she recalled as she watched him.

“Dis just blew it out of the water,” he shook his head, his hair swaying with the action before falling back into place.

Ottilie felt a pang of envy as she watched Angel continue to admire his reflection. While she had never been attracted to him, she couldn’t deny that he was appealing; perhaps if he didn’t bat for the other team, the two might have even fooled around from time to time, but she had always both admired and hated the way he could look at himself without feeling disgusted. It was a feeling she had never known and likely never would. She enjoyed working with him and he was the only friend she had, but she couldn’t help but hate him just a little bit for being able to enjoy something she never could.

Unbeknownst to her, Angel noticed the slight scowl on her face and a sad expression came to his own. He quickly recovered and turned to her with a smile. “Would you look at us? Two smokin’ hot dames who work hard for their money and no man to show for it.” He took her hands in his and squeezed lightly, not even phased by the coldness that seeped through both her gloves and his.

“I think you mean one hot dame,” she corrected.

Angel gasped dramatically. “How dare you call me ugly?” He burst out laughing at her, knowing she was annoyed, though it didn’t show on her face.

The two were interrupted by a knock at the door. Not even bothering to wait for a reply, the door opened and the stage director walked in. “Five minutes to action, gorgeous.”

Angel turned to look down at Ottilie and smiled again. “Duty calls.”

“Your public awaits,” she replied as she fixed the fluff of his chest one last time, something they always said to each other in a tit-for-tat fashion.

Angel turned and sauntered out of the room, ducking deeper this time to avoid hitting his hair on the doorframe. The director watched him go, his eyes glued to the sway of his hips, and whispered under his breath, “If only I liked dick.”

The director turned when he realized Ottilie was standing there and shook his head, her expression indifferent to his apparent attraction to Angel. “You did a nice job on that.” She was about to thank him, but he went on before she could. “That’s why I’m sad to say you’re fired.”

Ottilie felt like something heavy had been dropped into her gut, her voice small as a mouse as she asked, “What?”

“Listen, it’s nothing personal kid,” the director said, unaware of the fact that she had been in Hell long before he had, as he looked over the clipboard in hand and scratched at his fur covered ears. “We’ve just had too many complaints about the outfits being too…. What was the word… old fashion. Demons nowadays want to see ripped up jeans and halter tops so small they look like bras. No one wants to jack off to ball gowns and corsets anymore.” Ottilie felt her hands trembling as she gripped at the skirt of her dress, suddenly reminded of a time she’d felt wrongly dressed for the occasion. “Personally, I’d love to keep you on, but your style just doesn’t cut it anymore.”

Ottilie felt a rush of every kind of emotion imaginable, but her expression stayed schooled in a blank slate as her lips parted slightly. “What am I going to do about a job?”

The director seemed to have a sudden idea. “You could always go back to working the set. I hear you used to be quite the go getter when you were in front of the camera. Popular too. You and Angel Dust could even do a few threesomes. I’m sure he’d love that.” Ottilie was almost tempted to take the offer. “All you’d have to do is be willing to show more skin.”

“No,” Ottilie said immediately, making the director jump at how high her voice suddenly got, though it was what one would consider normal volume on any other person. “I cannot do that.”

Many years had passed since then, but before becoming part of the wardrobe department, Ottilie had been a rather famous adult film star. Not only were people enraptured by how kinky she could be, they were also attracted to her unique look and the mystery of what she hid behind her hair and the bits of clothing she was unwilling to take off. Soon enough, she was staring in picture after picture, women wishing they could be her and men wishing they could be in her. The mystery could only take her so far, however, and people began to wonder what she was hiding. Soon, they began to stop wondering and started demanding that she show them. When the studio had said it was either give them what they wanted or find something else to do, she’d started in the wardrobe department the next day.

“That’s a pity,” the director shook his head. “Here’s your pay for the week. That should get you through until you find another job. Probably best if you collect your things and go. Wouldn’t want to upset the star, now would we?” She took the envelope he held out towards her and watched as he walked away, not even seeming to care if she decided to steal anything, not that she would; she looked down at the nearly weightless item in her hand and knew that it would barely cover her rent for the month, if that, and with Hell being as overpopulated as it was there was no hope of her finding another job before what little money she had would dry up.

Knowing the scene Angel would cause if he came back and found out the news, she collected the few belongings she had and headed towards the door. She paused and turned, taking a look around the room one last time. It was strange how over the years it had become a home away from home for her and now she had to say goodbye to it. She promised herself she would hold on the memories she had of this place, fighting back tears with all her might as she closed the door.

[bucklebombreviews]

Bruised and Barbed 1: ECW Hardcore TV episode 1

Hello everybody and welcome to this the first entry in the bruised and barbed series.  Today we will be starting our journey and look at the very first episode of ECW Hardcore TV, that’s ECW as in Eastern Championship Wrestling.  This takes place on April 6th, 1993 from the ECW bingo hall.  I watched the WWE Network version of this so any music or video that has been changed I am unaware of on this one.  Anyway let’s start this journey through the Saved By The Bell era nineties and get into the show.  

Our show starts out with the most knackered early 90s music as we get a super low quality video that looks like it was filtered through and edited by a teenager taking a break from PornHub and first discovering Windows Movie Maker.  Oh boi what have I started.  It gets better though as we are sent over to part of the commentary team of Stevie Wonderful and Jay Sullie, and holy shit look at the fucking ramen mullet on Wonderful.  It’s Joe Dirtyful and gives me the weirdest feelings in my pants.  Aside from that I can already tell that Sullie is as boring and bland as wall paper paste, oh well still better than most of the commentary team on modern WWE.  Soon after the commentary team introduces itself they bring out the owner of ECW Tod Gordon.  Gordon looks like every Jewish big businessman from every movie and TV show in the 80s.  Anyway Tod announces that on this week's episode and upcoming episodes they will be holding a tournament for the tv title, awesome I’ll mark my calendar.  After this the commentary team announces that there will be a third man with them and out comes Hot Stuff Eddie Gilbert.  Gilbert tries to get himself over as the first heel on screen by trying to get into the commentary team and yelling when it is revealed that the third is Terry Funk.  Funk comes out and is just wonderful, corny but wonderful.  Funk is an obvious and predictable face here as it is pretty apparent that he is going to be more than a commentator soon.  During all this Terry is called a living legend, holy shit this is 93 and he is called a living legend that was over 25 years ago.  Man’s fucking old and been through some serious wars.  

First Match: Super Destroyers © V Hell Riders

Our First match on ECW Hardcore TV is that of the Tag Team Champions Super Destroyers versus the Hell Riders.  Before The match even starts our ears are assaulted by the Super Destroyers manger and mouth piece who is horrid, and I’m sorry guy if these big lads can produce poetry in motion I’ll put my wiener in a vice.  The match starts with the Hell Riders rushing the Super Destroyers followed by a shit brawl, riveting.  Throughout the match the commentary team cannot decide which Super Destroyer is which, honestly at this point I don’t care because it is obvious that this is a glorified squash match for the champions and not even a good one.  The match drags on and on with some tame spots here and there and ends with a standing splash thing from one of the super destroyers to end the match, fucking yawn.  

The whole match the crowd is dead silent, not a good sign for the champions especially on the first televised episode.  Even more so since it was a squash match where they could get all there shit in to try and get the crowd to pop even a little bit, even if they are heels they should have been able to get some sort of heat reaction but nothing at all.  After the match the Funker goes out to get an interview with the Super Destroyers manager, who at this time we learn is named Hunter Q Robins the Third as if it fucking matters at all.  An this guy would not quit screaming for the life of him.  Terry manages to quip something at the sad man and gets the biggest pop of the match.  This is beyond sad and signifies to me that it would not be surprising to me if these guys lost the tag belts within the next 3 or so episodes.  

Segment: Sandman

Let me first explain how I remember the Sandman.  Now remember that I have very limited exposure to ECW but I remember him as a cane swinging, beer chugging, ruffian.  Holy shit where the early nineties a different time for the Sandman.  

The Sandman is a surfer gimmick, in retrospect that makes sense but holy shit did he make a big jump not too long from 93.  In the veneit he wears a shoot wet suit, giving me weird flashbacks to Kaval.  The surfboard he brings to the ring puts this whole thing over the top for me, sunglasses sure fine whatever, but a surfboard?  This guy is an obvious face what the fuck is he going to do with a surfboard in the ring besides have the heels hit him with it.  I think we can all agree that if this guy isn’t using the fisherman's buster/suplex for his finish or at the very least the surfboard stretch then they were missing out in the creative department.  

    I’m not sure if the music here on the network is the original or not but it sounds like the worst Beach Boys knock off ever, and the editing looks like that same teenager from the beginning found the fade out tools in Movie Maker and made it take an uncomfortably long time.  At the end it tops it all off by saying that this guy is the current Heavyweight Champion, on a show that just started.  This guy, everybody praise Saved By The Bell.  

    Match 2: TV Title tournament Sal Bolomo V Tommy Cairo

    Before the match starts we go to Terry Funk who gets a small interview with Tommy Cairo who is at this time undefeated.  Cairo tries to get over ECW as a whole, I’m sure to try and get some more money out of his appearance, as well as saying when the iron man comes to town everyone else goes down.  OH MY!  Terry gets really animated and excited for this guy and the crowd pops a little bit, holy shit the crowd isn’t silent.  I think this guy is the first likeable character to come on the screen besides the Funker.  

    The announcer starts by introducing Sal’s manager the Cosmic Commander, who is the second likeable figure to be on the screen just for the fact that I am wondering what type of drugs they had to consume to come up with not only that name but the gimmick as well.  Let's combine businessman attire with a red coat and space turban, holy shit this is the next great cosplay move over Max Moon.  We also find out that it is Sal “Wildman” Bolomo, makes sense a wildman in roman soldier garb, fuck yes makes so much sense.  

    The match starts off about as fast as a snail in a tar pit with a collar and elbow into an armdrag, and we repeat that spot because it was so exciting.  Then Cairo shows his strength by pretty much shaking off a hammer lock.  This is followed by some boring corner brawling and a submission attempt by the Wildman.  Then some tape degradation, wonderful.  Cairo gets rolling again and it becomes pretty obvious that the Wildman has no gas in his tank and goes from rest hold to rest hold.  So far there has been a mediocre amount of selling and very little attempts to target any sort of limb to even make all these rest holds and dead submissions even make a little bit of sense, it's super disappointing.  At one point Cairo no sells a headbutt to do a standing splash.  This is followed by the Cosmic Commander distracting the ref just for his guy to get hit by an interfering Johnny Hotbody.  This is super confusing because the distraction led to his own guy suffering and ultimately getting counted out.  

This leads to even more immediate confusion because I presumed that Cairo was the face, he did break a few rules during the match such as getting up on the middle rope, the most dangerous rope, to do some punches to Bolomo but nothing so serious I would consider him a heel.  This is soon washed away though when Hotbody goes to the ring to attack Cairo, only to end up brawling to the back.  A disappointing end to a disappointing match.  

Match 3: Tony “Hitman” Stetson V Rockin’ Rebel

During the introduction and very early in the match it is revealed that Rebel is the number 1 contender for the heavyweight belt and Stetson is a part of the number 1 contenders for the tag belts.  I love this and think that it is something lost on modern wrestling today,  just because you are at the top or near the top of your division does not mean that you should not have interesting matches with people at or near the top of other divisions.  I think this is especially so for tag team wrestlers.  Just because you are a tag team specialist should not mean that you forgot how to work a singles match, and through singles matches maybe some tag guys could get over parts of their character that may not get to be showcased in a tag match against a really good singles opponent.  This type of match also shows that the whole locker room is aware of the rest of the card instead of being delegated to there own little bubble.  Over all I think booking like this could lead to some very interesting interactions.  Go early ECW.

I’d like to start off this match by pointing out some obvious gimmick infringement, by this time Bret Hart had already been at the top of the card in the Fed.  Stetson needed to change at least his moniker to avoid obvious comparisons that I will jump off a limb and predict that he couldn’t live up to.  

Hey do you remember how the last match started because that’s how this one starts, arm drags for everyone.  This is horrid on the part of these guys because it means that they did not watch the last match nor care to ask the guys in the match before what some of their spots were going to be .  This shows laziness and is something that could’ve been easily avoided.  I am at least happy to say that in the early parts of this match Stetson starts working the left arm of Rebel, good on him.  The only problem is that Rebel doesn’t sell this at all, boo.  This confuses me because at this time we are in the NWA associated Eastern Championship Wrestling which is supposed to be built on some old school principals, the fact that there has been a lack of selling and limb targeting confuses and upsets me.  Anyway these two have a pretty good back and forth game some drop kicks some splashes what have you, pretty much the same shit we’ve been seeing all night.  This culminates in Stetson getting a near fall on Rebel being stopped by a rope break.  This is followed by Rebel doing almost a lazy pin in the corner winning by putting his legs on the ropes.  This gets him a little heat, not much though.  

This is followed by a ringside interview where I can see where Rebel’s talents really lie.  He’s obviously not the best talker ever and he has some very annoying things that he does, such as continuously pointing at the camera.  He gets over how it’s a privilege to get an interview with him and how he is going after Sandman.  At the end he does gimmick infringe a bit on Ric Flair and he does yell a bit much for his style of talking but overall it was far from the worst thing on this show.  

Match 4: TV Tournament Jimmy Snuka V Larry Winters

Holy shit Jimmy has obviously been banging the roids, if the camera was better I’m sure he would have backne everywhere.  He’s fucking huge.  

Jimmy Snuka also cannot talk, this is made evident almost immediately.  He reveals that he has a new manager Hot Stuff Eddie Gilbert.  Gilbert comes out and tries to get over his managerial firm (?) of Hot Stuff International.  

  The match starts with Snuka dominating Winters with strikes and putting him on the ropes.  Gilbert is cheating often by choking Winters.  Snuka does an atrocious botch on a back body drop, ends up falling with Winters, way to go roidy magoo.  The match rolls on with Winters getting squashed and Gilbert continuing to get involved.  Winters did get momentum for about 2 seconds before Snuka continues beating him down.  Winters did get another head of steam with some nicely times whips and tackles, even doing a correct back body drop.  Gilbert gets involved and causes Snuka to take momentum again.  Snuka ends up winning with a top rope splash.  After the match ends Snuka throws Winters out cementing himself as a top heel.  Oh my what have we done to deserve this.  

Match 5: Sal Bellomo V Ernesto Benefico

This Match sucks.  This big slow boring fuck in Sal Bellomo who we seen earlier inserts himself into this match and squashes Benefico in a matter of seconds.  This did nothing for him at all considering the lazy show he put on earlier.  This was short, boring, and all it did was hurt Beneficos character.  

Ending Segment

The show ends with Tod Gordon and Terry Funk getting over the continuation of the TV tournament and that sandman would be there next week.  Terry tries to get over that this show is new different and fresh,  now I don't think it is but in the future it could be.  

Closing Remarks

This show was obviously done on a shoestring budget,  the cameras were crap with the second camera especially having its color balance off drastically in a few matches mainly the Rebel match, the sound was hardly there in a lot of spots, and the venue was obviously a community center.  I admire that they did everything they could with what they had but man does that make this a hard watch at times.  

The Wrestling was very underwhelming even for what I thought it was going to be.  I knew that the amount of high spots would be nonexistent but I was at least expecting some good ring psychology and limb working.  I didn’t even get that, what you end up with is 5 matches that all feel mostly the same with everybody pretty much working the same moveset.  I can’t even say that many of them got there characters over that well in this episode besides the big heels in Rebel, Gilbert, and Snuka.  And even then what exactly are there characters and motivations.  I can't tell you much more than Rebel wants the Sandman's title, Gilbert is full of himself and doesn't like Terry Funk, and Snuka might want to be the tv champion but that isn't even exactly clear.  

As far as the commentary team goes I can tell that they were still finding what they were supposed to be.  Wonderful was the heel but didn't exactly get a whole lot of heel dialog in.  Jay Sullie is boring and bland but gets out some information.  Terry Funk does the most in trying to get himself over as a top face and try to slowly build to a match with gilbert.  

Over all this episode was tough to get through but had some fun moments.  I know that the first year of ECW will be a hard one to get through because it is before it really finds its feet but i'm excited to get through it.

Show rating: 2 out of 5 yams

[anxiety-trademark]

The week in review:

Raw 11/16 NXT 11/18 NXT UK 11/19 Smackdown 11/20 Survivor Series 11/22

Raw:

Appreciate Lana providing logic to the creation of this match.

“Is this a Disney movie” lmao.

Honestly Shayna works better as a henchman than as a final boss.

Love Lana’s theme btw.

rip Mandy.

Ugly kick by Asuka. Not a compliment.

hahaha Lana tagged herself into the match while Shayna had Asuka in the clutch. hahahahah.

“You suck, get out” rofl.

Asuka you’re trash for not saving Lana. Truly.

“I’m actually really proud of you, you showed a lot of courage tonight.” Nia is funny. A bitch and a bully, sure, but funny.

There’s number 9. rip.

First of all, Dana’s shaky interview was going really well, and I wish they had let her finish it cuz god knows she needs the practice.

Second, WHY IS MIA YIM ATTACKING DANA OF ALL PEOPLE?

I’m not sorry, I shamelessly love Bray and Alexa together, goodbye.

“Your word is... jackass” lmaooo why is he even doing a spelling bee to prep for this match.

rip Rambling Rabbit for the 38th time.

What makes him being killed so damn demented is not only the way he exhibits agony and suffering as he dies, but the way they STAND BY LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY. This is the definition of sociopathy.

“Bullseye!” “More like... Rabbit’s heart!” *continues laughing hysterically* jfc.

Really love how Alexa puts her hand beneath her chin and then waves. That goes along with her characteristics developed since the fairy gimmick in nxt back in 2014/2015, to the cosplaying mean girl in 2016/2017/2018, to the babyface in 2019/2020. Also adds another layer with her gloves. Love that.

Nikki’s wandering around looking for Alexa, when clearly she should be looking for the Firefly Funhouse. I suggest asking Seth or Randy.

“Friends never give up on each other,” they also don’t give each other ultimatums cuz that’s toxic af, but okay.

She keeps running her mouth about Fiend and I can already see Alexa demolishing her for it.

LOVE the cohesion in going from one segment to the other as Sarah runs around looking for an interview. Fitting since that’s obviously her job, but it went together smoothly. They really come off as tmz lol.

I appreciate how Miz doesn’t want to fuck with Bray cuz he knows Bray will just torment his family lol. I also appreciate his reasoning because he’s a true opportunist. he doesn’t want to exhaust himself with this match cuz he might cash in later.

Love Alexa’s remixed theme, it’s jarring af. Walking red flag btw.

Oh nooo Nikki what are you doinggg.

I’m not a fan of how Nikki sold this interaction. Didn’t feel natural at all.

OH SHIT the sound of that slap, oof.

Oh my god I love how Bray came out and glared at Nikki. FANTASTIC. Absolute gold. Then he just smiles at Alexa as she takes his arm to escort him to the ring.

And the way the camera focuses back on Miz and Morrison... Miz’s face... I can’t, this is tremendous tbh. What a great story to run throughout this week’s Raw.

lmfao the way Alexa stuck her head between the ropes to scare Morrison. Ugh this pairing is easily my favorite thing in wwe rn.

Interesting, so Bray protects her. A fair duo.

I will never not cringe at watching people pretend to break someone’s neck by twisting it to the side. If I was a wrestler, that’s a move I would NEVER allow to be done to me.

On the plus side, Alexa took out Morrison and he sold it really fucking well. On the negative, it seems that distracted Bray as he’s more concerned for her well being now.

Oh my god the way Alexa reappears from behind the barricade. Creepy as shit.

Love watching her “balance” on the barricade considering she was one hell of a gymnast in her day.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for watching Lacey progress in the ring, cuz I think her character work is just fantastic, but holy shit what a downgrade going from Mandy and Dana to Lacey and Peyton.

Why is she excited? Why is it exciting to fight Sasha? Maybe Asuka should’ve taken that match a bit more seriously, considering the outcome. But I’m jumping ahead of myself.

“No one is ready for Asuka,” except for Charlotte, Becky, Shayna, Alexa, Sasha...

I do appreciate how Lacey isn’t scared of anyone while Peyton is wary of literally everyone. That’s good. Nia has a point though, y’all could’ve used Mandy. I guess it doesn’t matter though, considering the outcome. Jumping ahead of myself again.

“Worst idea since Quibi” lmao shots fired.

*Bonus* Peyton/Lacey online exclusive: they vibe real well off script. Peyton made points saying she can’t wait to teach Lacey how to be on a team. That’s valid cuz Lacey is NOT much of a team player. Points to Lacey though, she’s funny as hell.

Highlight: Alexa Bliss

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NXT:

Awesome hearing War Pigs during that Shotzi promo. Is that the official theme song for War Games? If so, baller to wwe for shelling that cash out.

I’m guessing Shotzi was fixing her tank? Was that the premise? Regardless, the setting was different and interesting.

I really like the fencing around nxt’s ringside. Fits with the grungy “indie” feel.

God I’m gonna have to watch Candice defeat Kayden and Kacy aren’t I?

Indi bought the Garganos a flat screen tv? :/ mk. What does she have to gain? Johnny was an AWFUL champion and Candice has never even held gold. What is she hoping to accomplish?

“Indi is gaining one of the best mentors in the nxt locker room” lmao WHAT.

omg Kacy and Kayden are so fucking entertaining, I feel like I say this every time I watch them. All tag teams need to TAKE. NOTES. Look at that cohesion and teamwork. Whew.

Hold on don’t try to retcon Tegan as leaving Candice’s side. I hate Tegan even more than I hate Candice, and she was a shite friend to Dakota by proxy of being a spineless dweeb, but do not try to paint Candice as the victim in her feud with Tegan.

I know nothing about the Dakota/Candice friendship but I’d go ahead and blame Dakota since she’s hella douchey lmao.

Imagine thinking Indi is an upgrade from Dakota. Commentary is super funny and distracting tonight lmao.

Was that not a flatliner? Sure looked like an intended flatliner.

So Kacy attempts to kill herself in the process of taking out Indi and none of the cameras caught it? :/ we still using interns looking for college credits in production? Is that what’s happening??

Vic is kind of an awful commentator in his actual calls. “Nice suplex, almost a brainbuster” better hope that was a brainbuster cuz if not, that was the saddest fucking suplex I’ve ever seen in my life.

So Kacy almost kills herself using offense against Indi and Indi was coherent first? Ugh anyway.

Why do we have to listen to Ember speak every week? What a terrible idea.

So now she’s gonna be nxt’s savior by getting rid of Dakota and Raquel? Oh for fuck’s sake.

Why does she have fucking soda tabs on her gear still.

Why is she teaming with Toni. I THOUGHT THEY WERE HEELS. Seriously, am I the dumb one? Am I the one who needs their hand held? Has Ember not been acting like a heel since she returned? Am I the only one confused about Toni’s alignment??

“We’ve fallen victim to the numbers game” WHEN have you fallen victim to the numbers game, Toni? WHO WROTE THIS.

I know nxt wants me to give a shit about Ember and Toni, but good luck making me care about anyone down there more than Dakota or Rhea.

I would really appreciate it if Dakota was moved up to the MR without actually showing any dissention from Raquel.

Dakota calls a lot of matches, I’ve noticed. Pro shit.

Toni’s German suplexes are amazing if she’s actually never hurt anyone, cuz MAN they look gnarly af.

Gorgeous tornado ddt by Ember. Nice speed, great handling by Raquel.

Don’t Dakota and Toni have quite the history? From UK?

Today in wrestling commentary: Vic cannot tell the difference between left and right.

Whoa I just noticed Dakota isn’t wearing her knee brace. That’s kind of monumental, right? Isn’t that a big deal? I feel like that’s a big deal.

Honestly I might like Toni more than Ember. She comes off as a lot more likable since her move to nxt.

Oh Christ I gotta see Candice again. 

Hi why isn’t this main eventing? Do Rhea fucking Ripley and Io fucking Shirai not deserve it?? For real???

Hate it when refs hold the title up crooked. Noob.

Holy shit Io’s speed is TOP. TIER. Whew.

And then slips on the turnbuckle, sad. Could’ve been worse, could’ve been a Shotzi wipeout (and that’s what I’m gonna call it from now on)

What Io has in speed, Rhea has in strength, these are the facts.

Why did Vic cut Beth off by saying exactly what she was in the middle of saying? Vic’s losing a lot of points tonight tbh.

oof gnarly German suplex off the second rope by Io.

Oh my, Rhea’s ear is covered in blood. Must have punctured her ear with an earring. Rough. I say this as someone who has her fair share of piercings: it BOGGLES MY MIND why any of these women wrestle with their piercings in lmao. No ma’am.

Brutal match, whew.

Rhea wiped her own blood on her face.

There are some aprons spots with Rhea obviously waiting around that needed some work.

Rhea can sell, certainly, but her screaming is way too dramatic at times. Most notably at wm in the empty arena, but this match is a close second. Almost borders on annoying.

Niiice Rhea adding a nice vortex spin on the tail end of her cloverleaf submission. Points. Keep that.

Oh that Riptide attempt countered into an armbar by Io. BEAUTIFUL.

I liked that. Io goes for the 619 in the middle rope, Rhea ducks. Io goes for the 619 on the lower rope, Rhea dodges. Io strikes her a couple times, Rhea falls to the opposite side of the ring and Io proceeds to hit the 619. Good stuff.

Lol Io’s smiling at Rhea kicking out of the missile dropkick.

Nice flip off of Rhea’s clothesline but I’m not a fan of Io landing her moonsault on her feet. That’s not really her M.O.

Fucking spiked Rhea with a ddt by countering the Riptide again. That’s a solid champion, has her opponent completely scouted.

Beautiful sunset flip powerbomb through the ropes with Rhea landing through a table. Would’ve been cool if Rhea had let go right away, though.

In kf, I give points to Rhea for dragging herself from the rubble just to eat a clean pin. Great match.

Highlight: Io vs Rhea

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NXT UK:

Wow robbing me of KLR’s entrance. Guess Piper is officially the heel.

Quit calling her a “new” Piper Niven. A slight aggression is hardly “new”

BE CAREFUL WITH KLR’S SNAZZY COAT.

Y’all got tape out? Have we learned nothing from Bayley/Sasha hiac?

CHUCKED A FUCKING RING BELL INTO PIPER’S HEAD LMAO

Ugh headbutt that takes everyone out. Tsk.

Ric who? Charlotte’s dad??

Who do I gotta pay to see KLR vs Becky Lynch in an extreme match?!

KLR rolls away after that fisherman buster on the outside. Smart points.

Alright listen I’m on KLR’s side but WHY IS JINNY OUT HERE

Lol smacked Piper with a ‘no entry’ sign. Haha.

And Piper broke a sign over KLR’s head, followed by puns from the commentators.

rip random guitar.

Match doesn’t have any creative spots really, but they sure know how to utilize random objects.

BRO YOU CAN’T TAKE A STEEL PIPE TO HER KNEE ON CONCRETE, THAT’S HELLA RUDE. KLR lit a fire under Piper’s ass and Piper’s trying to retire her as thanks. Super, super rude.

Fuck her up fam, I don’t even feel bad.

??? Did KLR even land through the table or did she just land straight onto the fucking concrete? Jesus Christ man. No, she didn’t, she slid into the second table and just ate the floor. Oh my god. IS SHE OKAY??

Highlight: That vicious ending gained KLR a lot of respect in my eyes

---

Smackdown:

Imagine being surprised that Adam chose the longest reigning SD women’s champion as his team captain. Granted she’s probably despised by everyone, but she’s got the pedigree, come on now.

Look how good Bayley looks. Whew.

“You know what time it is? Bayley time.” she’s so annoying rofl.

Wow riveting stuff, I have zero comments about this 2 min match tbh.

Go stand in the ring with your damn captain, Bianca.

Lmao Bayley allergic to hugs now. Character progression.

It’s quite the team I’m ngl. I just wish we could’ve wrapped up this Sasha/Bayley shit like... months ago so we could enjoy captain Bayley for a bit longer. Gonna burn through this in one damn episode. It’s a bummer.

*Bonus* Nattie’s online exclusive: “I sailed through some rough waters [...] I’m smart, I’m sexy, I’m funny, I’m rich” She is funny, I will give her that.

We’re getting Asuka/Sasha face to face? For real? Okay.

Cute, Sasha’s smile toward Asuka actually looked genuine. I miss when Sasha seemed genuine. It’s like Bayley killed that part of her.

“Michael are you forgetting what time it is?” BAYLEY TI-- “It is boss time, baby!” welp my mistake.

I’ve played Asuka’s dialogue to Sasha 3x and I still have no idea what she was saying because of her ridiculous fucking dancing and animation. I’m tired. Bayley come take her title.

Omg now she’s doing “you can’t see me” SHE ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING I absolutely despise her being champion.

Actually she is ready for Asuka, and I’m gonna take great joy in watching her win this Sunday. Sasha is hella unlikeable until the moment that bell rings, then she’s a god. Is what it is.

Booo Sasha was actually doing good on the mic, how dare you ruin that, Carmella.

Asuka is awful. Even Becky and Ronda fought off common enemies once upon a time. Asuka helps legit N O B O D Y. Awful champion.

Highlight: Captain Bayley

---

Survivor Series:

Love Sasha’s gear.

Asuka kicked out at one, quick everyone cry about her selling. Oh wait she’s not Charlotte, my bad.

Beautiful attempt at an armbar by Sasha, whew.

Sasha is so good at this whole wrestling thing lol.

Nice pop up from that backstabber.

Right and in contrast, Asuka is an amazing striker.

Oh a codebreaker to Sasha as she dangles from the second rope. Gorgeous move.

Ahhhh the blue haired god got the job done. I knew she’d win but it’s so gratifying to see.

Not much to say about the match. The spots weren’t brutal or super creative/innovative, but it had GREAT back and forth and really showcased their chemistry in technical wrestling. Also might very well have been the best match they’ve had yet, seemed pretty short though. Still, an enjoyable watch. Good for Sasha.

Lol the disdain in Nia’s face as she looks at Lana.

Look, Bayley’s arm band says ‘captain’ so she’s the captain.

Love seeing how creative people get with their gear at Survivor Series, as opposed to just throwing a damn brand shirt on. Looking at you, 2016.

One thing I’ve learned about Bayley is if she calls you sister, she genuinely likes you behind the scenes. So glad to see Lacey is in her good graces.

Omg Lacey learned how to do a kip up, everybody clap.

Love how the light shines off of Nattie’s gear. Got rainbows popping.

Squatting while stalling a suplex, and synchronized kip ups. Bianca and Nattie are fun.

“Bayley and the great Becky Lynch,” Oh shit, peep that RESPECT we’re putting on her name now? She gets ‘the great’?? wwe finally seeing her on the same level as ‘the great’ Charlotte Flair??? I am shook. Good for her, fucking deserved (also poor Bayley rofl)

Lana tags herself in again lmao. Nia 5 seconds from killing her. Look, Lana tries. Let her try.

I can’t breathe. she been put in timeout.

(referring to a move by Peyton) “I give that a perfect 10“ PPPFFFFTTTT

What a bump by Bayley; a suplex off the top rope onto the entire roster on the outside, and what a great locker room leader to be checking on everyone IMMEDIATELY as if she didn’t just fucking take a massive bump. Also poor Lana standing over there watching the fun lol.

Now I already knew Peyton pinned Bayley cuz of the outrage by Bayley fans who deemed her “buried” afterward, but I think it was a poor decision to have Peyton get that pin. Peyton sucks, not sorry. Have Lacey get that pin before Peyton. Actually, have Lana get that pin before Peyton.

Not sure what Nattie was going for with that submission to Peyton, but she improvised real quick. So points.

Doesn’t Nattie usually wear wrist guards? Awkward seeing her without them.

Goes for a sharpshooter on a woman who’s not even active rn. I’m removing her points lmao.

I legit never get to see Bianca’s 450 splash and you know what? Fuck y’all.

Well Bianca’s a great partner to do a Spanish Fly with so, good on Lacey.

That’s an interesting elimination. Ruby would’ve pinned Shayna as she had rolled back and reversed the Clutch, but the ref was distracted by Nia. By the time he started counting, Ruby had passed out. Interesting.

Crucifix Bomb by Liv eliminates Lacey, fucking dope.

Having Bianca as the last survivor on her team is great for Bianca. This is a compliment from management.

BEAUTIFUL catch by Shayna into the Clutch. Wow that was nice.

Ah we redoing the spot from their Takeover match, IE my introduction to Bianca. Solid.

Oh this is good. Bianca passed out from the Clutch while on the ropes so Shayna was disqualified. Nia drug Bianca out of the ring to put her through the announce table and they started brawling until they were both counted out. 

Again, I knew Lana was the sole survivor but seeing it happen is fucking hilarious. Nice protection for Bianca though, and seeing Nia this pissed off is so cathartic.

Highlight: Bianca was the real standout imo

---

*Survivor Series shined the brightest as we had both a great technical match, and a fun, entertaining multiwoman match filled with shenanigans. If that’s a cop out, then I’ll give it to NXT this week.