#heck we got a new older lady that just got hired

[kozidraws]

.

[monotonous-minutia]

was trying to compose some Reality Checks and I wrote this instead. Don’t ask me what it is because I have no idea. But I thought it was funny so I wanted to share. 

Enjoy. Or don’t. We’ll see I guess.

Figaro: Five, ten, twenty, thirty, thirty-six, forty-three…you know this would be a lot easier to measure if it was all in multiples of five.

Susanna: Isn’t my hat so pretty? I made it myself.

Figaro: Yes, yes, dear, it’s wonderful.

Susanna: You didn’t even look at it.

Figaro: You’re doing such a great job describing it I don’t have to.

Susanna: What are you measuring, anyway?

Figaro: I’m figuring out where our bed’s going to go in this room.

Susanna: What, this room?

Figaro: …yes?

Susanna: Why this room?

Figaro: It’s so close to the master bedroom. All they have to do is ring the bell—ding, ding; don, don—and we’ll be there in a hop, skip and a jump to serve our respective masters.

Susanna: Yes, and because we’re so close, it’d be easy for Signore Count to sneak in while you’re away—ding ding; don, don.

Figaro: …

Susanna: You do know what I mean by “don, don,” right?

Figaro: I thought we were talking bells.

Susanna: It’s subtext.

Figaro: Oh shit! What are you saying?

Susanna: Well, the Count hasn’t exactly been subtle in his advances lately. Apparently he’s grown tired of the Countess, even though she really isn’t as old as people make her out to be most of the time. So he’s seeking out new conquests, and one of them is me. You do know what I mean by “conquests,” right?

Figaro: Yes, yes, subtext.

Susanna: So he’s going to call on this thing called his “feudal right” which is this really weird tradition that means he gets to sleep with any newlywed he pleases.

Figaro: I thought he got rid of that.

Susanna: Apparently I’m special.

Figaro: Well, we’ve got to do something about this.

Susanna: I’m sure we’ll figure something out; we’ve got the brain cells in this place. Take care, my love, I hear my Lady calling.

Figaro: Farewell, my sweet. We’ll get through this together.

(Susanna leaves)

Figaro: Now, Signore Count, this is a fine kettle of fish. I thought we were friends! After everything we’ve been through together? I can’t believe this. Well, if you’re going to pull this kind of dance, I’m happy to oblige. In fact, I’ll lead the dance myself. You won’t know what hit you. (exit)

(Marcellina and Bartolo enter)

Marcellina: I’ll marry Figaro if it’s the last thing I do!

Bartolo: I still think that’s a little weird, given you’re old enough to be his mom.

Marcellina: Don’t you know it’s improper to talk to a lady about her age? Besides, what do you care? I’m paying you good money to crush this guy. I hired the best lawyer in Seville. Though all this time I though the Dr. in your name was the medical type.

Bartolo: After Rosina left me, I had a lot of extra time on my hands so I went back to school and added a few letters to my name. Now, let’s work on getting back at Figaro. I’ll never forgive him for stealing my girl. Although I really don’t have a desire to pursue Rosina romantically anymore. It’s just the principle of the thing. I’m going to squash him like a bug with all the legal jargon I can come up with.

Marcellina: You know, when you talk shop, it kinda turns me on.

Bartolo: …okay. See you later. (exit.)

(Susanna comes in)

Marcellina: Oh, look, it’s Susanna.

Susanna: Oh, look, it’s that old harpy.

Marcellina: Well, I never! If you weren’t the Count’s favorite and a little simp, I might say something derogatory or suggestive about you.

Susanna: You just did.

Marcellina: My bad.

Susanna: Cougar!

Marcellina: Suck-up!

Susanna: Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

(Marcellina leaves in a huff)

Susanna: Good riddance! I swear she can be so catty sometimes. I feel sorry for anyone who had to call her “mother.”

(Cherubino comes in)

Cherubino: Hey, Susanna!

Susanna: Hey, Cherubino, what mischief did you get yourself into today?

Cherubino: Who says I got myself into any mischief?

Susanna: Oh, you didn’t? What a pleasant surprise.

Cherubino: Okay, so I got into some mischief. I was hanging out with Barbarina—

Susanna: “Hanging out”?

Cherubino: I don’t like what you’re insinuating. Anyway, we were just chilling and suddenly the Count comes in. You know, people should really be more concerned about what a guy several years older than her was doing looking for her than what I was doing in there, given she and I are basically the same age. Anyway, so I hid because, you know, he hates me, but he found me, and because apparently hanging out with my friend is a crime, he fired me, and now I have to leave.

Susanna: Oh, poor kid.

Cherubino: Unless the Countess vouches for me, I’m sunk.

Susanna: What makes you think she will?

Cherubino: She’s so nice and fair! And also really pretty. You are so lucky you get to work with her every day. I only get to see her at dinner. What’s that you’ve got there?

Susanna: It’s a ribbon from your lovely lady.

Cherubino: Can I have it?

Susanna: …why?

Cherubino: Because. (he grabs the ribbon)

Susanna: What do you think you’re doing?

Cherubino: Come on, I’ll trade you for this song I wrote.

Susanna: What am I going to do with it?

Cherubino: Sing it to all the ladies in the palace!

Susanna: Since it looks like this song is about loving women, I don’t know what you’re suggesting about me.

Cherubino: Who am I to say what you are? I don’t even know who I am anymore! I have all these hormones running through my veins but I have no idea what they’re called because sex ed doesn’t exist in my time so I’m just very confused and probably making some ill-advised choices but who cares! I’m in love with everybody!

Susanna: Okay, settle down, Romeo.

Cherubino: Oh H-E-double hockey sticks! The Count is here!

Susanna: He really just makes a habit of walking in on people whenever he wants, huh? Here, Cherubino, hide behind this chair.

(Cherubino hides behind the chair.)

(The Count walks in.)

Count: Hello there, Susanna, how are you today?

Susanna: Oh, you know. Well, it was great catching up with you. See you later.

Count: Come on, is that all I get? Don’t you know how I feel about you?

Susanna: …you make it pretty obvious.

Count: Well then, why not meet me alone in the garden tonight? I’ll give you this ring.

Susanna: That’s just really gross and demeaning, sir.

Count: What can I say? I’m a guy. Wait, who’s that talking right outside the door?

Susanna: Oh, biscuits and gravy, it’s Basilio.

Count: I should hide!

Susanna: Or you could just leave!

Count: Only guilty people run. I’ll hide behind this chair.

Susanna: WAIT NOT THE CHAIR

(Luckily Cherubino goes around the chair and climbs onto it before the Count sees him. The Count hides behind the chair. Susanna throws a blanket over Cherubino to hide him.)

Susanna: I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

(Basilio comes in)

Basilio: Hello there, Susanna, what are you up to?

Susanna: I don’t know if you all just forgot, but I do actually work here.

Basilio: Sure, sure. Well, do you want to hear all the hot goss?

Susanna: Not really.

Basilio: I’ll tell you anyway. Apparently Figaro has some new beef with the Count, which isn’t surprising given they’re both such hotheads. Also, I’ve heard wind that Cherubino has a crush on the Countess. Isn’t that hilarious?

Susanna: Basilio! How can you say these things?

Basilio: Hey, don’t kill the messenger. I’m just saying what everyone else is saying.

(The Count jumps out from hiding.)

Count: And what exactly are people saying?

Basilio: Well, they’ll sure have plenty to say after this!

Susanna: Oh, gods, just strike me down here where I’m standing.

Count: So, Cherubino’s been hitting on my wife, eh? That’s it, he’s spent his last days in this palace. He’s got to go!

Susanna: Come on, he’s just a kid!

Count: No, I’ve had enough. Why, just this morning I caught him fooling around with Barbarina. Don’t ask me what I was doing creeping around Barbarina’s place. Cherubino was hiding under the table and I pulled the tablecloth up like this. (He demonstrates by pulling the blanket off the chair, revealing Cherubino.) WAIT WHAT IS THIS

Basilio: This just keeps getting better!

Susanna: This just keeps getting worse!

Count: Was he here this entire time?

Susanna: …yes.

Count: But I was sitting in that chair!

Cherubino: I hid behind it first.

Count: Shut up, the grownups are talking. What about when I hid behind the chair?

Cherubino: I ran around to sit on it.

Count: So, wait, he heard everything we said?

Cherubino: I tried not to--

Count: How dare you eavesdrop! Well, if you like sitting in chairs so much, you can stay sitting until I throw you out. Pack your bags, you miscreant.

Cherubino: How am I supposed to pack my bags if I’m sitting here?

Count: Don’t be cheeky! Now, Susanna, how do you think Figaro will react when he finds out you’ve been hanging out alone with Cherubino?

Susanna: His reaction probably won’t be as bad as when he finds out you tried to pay me for sex.

Count: I--

(At this moment Figaro enters with a bunch of other servants.)

Figaro: Hello everyone! I’ve come with basically the entire palace for an impromptu wedding. That way we have a bunch of witnesses so the Count can’t pull anything funny. Who needs all the pomp and circumstance of a full ceremony anyway? Here’s Susanna’s veil; now, Signore Count, if you’ll just say the word so my fiancée and I here can be wed.

Count: Oh, come on, you think I’ll let you get married like this? No sir! We’re going to make a big bash out of it.

Figaro: But—

Count: No buts about it. (If I stall long enough, I can get Marcellina to help me ruin this thing altogether. If Susanna won’t have me, she sure as heck won’t have Figaro either.) Now, friends, be on your way! We have festivities to prepare for.

(All the other servants leave singing.)

Figaro: Well, that didn’t exactly go the way I planned.

Susanna: It’s okay, we’ll work it out. We always think of something.

Figaro: But why does Cherubino look so glum?

Susanna: He got fired.

Figaro: Again?

Count: Well, I mean it this time.

Cherubino: What if I promise never to do anything bad ever again?

Count: Nope, I don’t trust you.

Cherubino: What if I promise never to tell anyone what I heard when I was hiding behind the chair?

Count: SHUT UP! Okay fine, I’ll let you off on a warning. Even better, I’ll bestow upon you the highest honor. There’s an opening for an officer in my regiment. You can enlist.

Cherubino: WHAT?

Susanna: Can you at least wait until after the wedding?

Count: Nope, they’re leaving for Seville today so he has to go.

Cherubino: …as you wish, sir.

Count: That’s more like it.

Figaro: Hey, chin up, Cherubino! It won’t be so bad. I mean, sure, you’ll probably be the prettiest one there and everyone will pick on you and you’ll have to deal with deafening cannons and marching through mud and having no money and leaving all your friends (and girlfriends) behind and not having any fun anymore ever, but it’s a glorious life being a soldier!

Cherubino: I think I’m going to cry.

[gold-and-rubies]

In It For The Long Haul - Chapter 2

I’m going to be posting these twice a day until I catch up. This is in MacCready’s POV. Warnings for violence and language.

MacCready sighed inwardly. Winlock and Barnes had tracked him down in an attempt to harass him out of the Commonwealth… again. He would not give in to them; he had too much on the line. He was just getting really tired of this.

“Can’t say I’m surprised to find you in a dump like this, MacCready,” Winlock said far too smugly for MacCready’s liking. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a girl slip into the room behind them. Great, he thought, I’m gonna lose another fucking job to these assholes.

“I was wonderin’ how long it would take your bloodhounds to track me down, Winlock. It’s been almost three months… don’t tell me you're getting rusty,” MacCready said nonchalantly, “Should we take this outside?”

“It ain’t like that I’m just here to deliver a message,” Winlock said. MacCready narrowed his eyes at that.

“In case you forgot I left the Gunners for good.”

“Yeah, I heard, but you’re still taking jobs in the Commonwealth. That isn’t going to work for us.”

MacCready was quickly losing his patience. They were getting on his last nerves, so he tried to get on theirs, “In case you forgot, I don’t take orders from you… not anymore. So why don’t you take your girlfriend, and walk out of here while you still can.”

That managed to rile Barnes up, who had otherwise been silent the whole time. “What?! Winlock, tell me we don’t have to listen to this shit,” he said angrily.

Winlock’s attitude changed from smug to pissed. “Listen up, MacCready,” he said threateningly, “the only reason we haven’t filled your body full of bullets is that we don’t want a war with Goodneighbor. See, we respect other people’s boundaries… we know how to play the game. It’s something you never learned.”

“Glad to have disappointed you,” MacCready said sarcastically.

Winlock scoffed, “You can play the tough guy all you want. But if we hear you’re still operating in Gunner territory all bets are off.”

“You finished?”

“Yeah… we’re finished. Come on, Barnes.”

As they left the room the girl, who MacCready had almost forgotten about, watched them warily. MacCready eyed her. Although she was not wearing the trademark jumpsuit, everything about her screamed vault dweller. From the nervous look on her face to the pip-boy strapped to her arm. From what he could see she lacked any real scars, and the damage she had was recent. She was also paler than almost anyone he had ever seen showing a lack of sun exposure. Her chin length red hair was neater than the average wastelander. Although her short height did not help her look older, she had to be somewhere around his own age, making her lack of scars all the more telling. He wondered what could drive her from her vault to look for help in a bar. The only one he heard of in the Commonwealth that still had people in it was 81. The vault that apparently had no experiment.

“Look lady,” he said, bringing her attention to him, “if you’re preachin’ about the Atom, or lookin’ for a friend, you’ve got the wrong guy. If you need a hired gun… then maybe we can talk.”

“It’s a good thing I do then… but who were they?”

Her voice caught him off guard. It was far lower and slightly raspier than he had been expecting, and even more shocking to him, it practically oozed confidence.

“Just some moron Gunners. Idiots couldn’t hit a squirrel with a rocket launcher. Nothin’ you need to worry about. What about you? How do I know takin’ your offer won’t come back to bite me?”

She did not answer his question. Instead she asked, “Do you take long term jobs?”

The longer she stood there the more intrigued he became. What the hell is she planning? He replied, “Depends. How long the job is, compensation, and what the job is all matter.” He tried to not be too picky about jobs, but some were not worth it. Especially the longer ones.

She nodded, “I… I lead a rather dangerous life. I need someone who can watch my back, and is willing to go take down raiders, Gunners, and anything else I’m sent to take care of. I’m also… I guess you could say new to the area, so I don’t really know my way around.”

Although it was nice to know what he was going to have to do, her description of the job just raised more questions. Was she also a mercenary? Who was sending her to do this stuff? Who was she?

She continued, “As for compensation… I’ll pay for all your ammo, food, water, alcohol when clean water isn’t available, and medical supplies. Any loot we find and payment we receive will be split equally. Along with any initial payment you request.”

The more she talked the more confused he became. So far it was a hell of an offer, but he wanted to know why she wanted his help so badly. The way she spoke also confused him. The way she worded things made her sound like some pre-war holotapes he had found once.

“As for time… I don’t know how long the job will last, just that it will be a long time. You can leave whenever you want though,” she finished.

This was probably the best offer he had ever gotten. He normally did not try to care about the boss’s personal life or who they were, as long as they were not a raider boss. He had some standards. This girl though was just so damn enigmatic, too much for his liking.

“That’s a heck of an offer, but I’ve gotta make sure it’s not too good to be true, so I’ve gotta ask. Who are you exactly?”

Her back straightened, shoulders went back, and she held her a head a little higher. A pose of confidence. “Claudia Flynn. General of the Minutemen… and survivor of Vault 111.”

He had assumed she was a vault dweller from the get go, so that did not surprise him. He did not recognize the number, though, which concerned him a little if he was being honest. Dwellers could be down right insane at times. He decided not to ask about it. Instead he focused on the fact that she claimed to be the general of the Minutemen.

“Minutemen? I thought you guys were destroyed in Quincy.”

“We’re rebuilding,” she said simply.

“But what’s the general doin’ hiring a merc?”

“There aren’t very many of us right now, and I want to help as much as possible, but I’m sure you know it isn’t exactly safe to travel alone. I will also have to… deal with more… personal matters. I don’t want to use Minutemen resources where they aren’t needed. Especially now,” she explained.

That was the first time she had said something that actually answered more questions than created them, although the "personal matters" were cause for some. He mulled over all the information or a moment. He'd taken far, far worse jobs. He’d be crazy to not act on the offer, even if it meant being more altruistic than he was used to. If she wanted to spend all her caps on him, who was he to say no? Besides if she really was the general of the Minutemen it would be a great way to get back at the Gunners for harassing him so damn much. And maybe, just maybe he could get her to…. He cleared the thought from his head before it gave him too much hope.

“Alright, hotshot. Sounds like a good deal, so if you pay the hiring price, you’ve got a new gun on your side.”

“How much?”

“Two-hundred fifty caps. No room for bargainin’.”

“Fair enough,” she said before setting her pack down on one of the ratty couches. She produced three leather pouches, two larger and one smaller. As she handed them over she said, “One hundred each in the bigger ones. Fifty in the smaller one.”

He held the bags in his hands for a moment, and looked at her before saying, “You just bought yourself an extra gun. Where to first boss?”

She started fiddling with her pip-boy before she said anything. He had always wondered just how useful those things were. She held out her arm when she was done, so he could see the map depicted on the small screen.

“We need to get to here,” she said, indicating the marker on the coast, “Can you get us there?”

“Shouldn’t be too hard.”

“Alright,” she said. A look of determination and confidence took over her face. “Is there a hotel or something here? We should rest before we head out.”

He was taken aback by her liberal uses of "we" and "us." Usually there was a strict dichotomy of "you" and "me." Maybe it was just the Minuteman in her.

“There’s the Hotel Rexford. Not great, but it beats sleeping on the street by a long shot.”

“Then we’ll stay there for the night, and head out in the morning.”

“Whatever you say boss,” he said. He tried to hide his excitement, but it had been a while since he had slept somewhere other than the back room of the Third Rail for a while. He was eager to see his new boss act on her promise of free boarding.

***

The next morning he met his boss in the lobby of the hotel. She had paid for two separate rooms, allowing him to have more privacy than he had had in a while. He used it to sleep as peacefully as one could in Goodneighbor.

He walked up to her as she messed with her pip-boy. Now that he could see her in proper lighting, instead of the neon red at the bar, it was even more apparent she was not some random wastelander. Her face, neck and hands had minimal grime on them. She had a few blemishes here and there, but they were hardly noticeable. She lacked the gauntness and weariness that everyone seemed to have. She was so focused on what she was doing that she did not seem to notice him until he said something.

“Boss,” he greeted.

“Hm? Oh MacCready!” she said, finally looking up from her arm.

“Don’t tell me you forgot about me,” he joked. Well, he hoped it came across a joke. When it came down to it he did not care whether his bosses liked him or not, but it certainly did not hurt if they did.

Luckily for him, she smiled. He tried not to stare, but he could not help it. They were not perfect by any means, but she had the straightest, whitest teeth he had ever seen.

He knew that vaults could be some of the most terrifying places in the world. Having grown up just outside of Vault 87 solidified that knowledge. But he wondered what could have driven her away from her own. She looked healthier than anyone he had seen, so there must have been some sort of luxury there.

Her voice shook him from his thoughts, “Ready to go?”

“Whenever you are, boss.”

As they made their way through Goodneighbor she asked, “Do you want to stock up on anything before we leave?”

He did not hesitate to take her up on her offer. "Could always use more ammo."

"Anything else?" she asked, friendlier than he was used to and that he liked.

Must be the first time she's ever hired a merc, he thought to himself. Her friendliness was better than the way he has been treated by other people, but he had found that when people you did not know well were this nice to you they were up to no good. Then again who was he to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Nothing else that I can get here," he said.

"What kind of ammo do you use?"

".308."

He watched her as she walked up to trade with KL-E-0. The boss had a funny look on her face when she introduced herself. When she was done with the trade she handed him one of the boxes of ammo. His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"How many caps do you have?" he half whispered. Bullets were not cheap.

"Doesn't matter. Besides I didn't just pay with caps. Threw some .38s in there too."

He decided not to press the matter further. If she was loaded and knew how to barter, he was not going to complain.

When they finally left Goodneighbor he took point, remembering part of his job was guiding her through the ruins. It felt odd taking point, since he was a sniper. He was used to hanging back, not leading the charge.

It was not long before they encountered a small pack of mongrels. Normally he would just try to skirt around them, not wanting to waste his ammunition on them, but that was not the case this time. His strong suit was long range, but he was still decent in close quarters. The boss on the other hand seemed to have no issue fighting so close. She took them down quickly and easily, despite the frown she wore as she did so. MacCready was not an easy person to impress, but she got pretty damn close.

He led them to the docks. He hated the ocean, but it was safer to travel along the water than to try to navigate the city.

They were quiet as they walked. Realization struck him. He had no idea what they were up to.

“So, why exactly are we heading to South Boston?” he asked. It was common knowledge that there was nothing but trouble there. It did not help that the only settlement that was there had been rumored to be wiped out by institute synths. When it came to threats, he took them very seriously, no matter how far fetched it seemed. He had learned that the hard way.

“I… I didn’t tell you, did I?” She sighed in frustration, seemingly towards herself, “We’re heading to what… my second in command called The Castle. Apparently it used to be the old headquarters. We’re going to take it back.”

He simply nodded. He noticed how her voice kept trailing off, like she was unsure or lost in thought. He tried to not put too much thought into it. It was best to not to get too invested in who the boss was. No matter how interesting a person they seemed to be. All he needed was the basic information to make sure he was not risking too much.

When they got to the end of the dock she stopped, and stared into the distance. She checked her pip-boy, then turned to MacCready, and asked, “Can I borrow your binoculars?”

“Sure, boss,” he said, handing them over.

When she was done she handed them back and pointed towards a squat, grey building, barely visible in the mist. She said, “You see that, in the distance?”

“Yeah,” he said, holding the binoculars up to his own eyes.

“Pretty sure that’s where we need to go,” she said.

They weaved their way through the buildings. Here following the water line would take too much time, and he had heard rumors of ferals infesting the factories in the area. They managed to avoid the raider camps. Their spotlights acted more like beacons, signaling to stay away.

He stopped in his tracks when a horrendous smell hit his nose. It was the smell of decaying flesh that had been sitting in the sun. He signaled to the boss to stop. She gave him a quizzical look as he brought up his rifle. He looked through the scope, and found the source of the smell. Super mutants, and their disgusting bags of meat.

“What’s wrong?” she asked in a low voice.

“Super mutants.”

“What’s a super mutant?”

He turned to look at her like she had just insisted the sky was neon pink. “What the fu- what do you mean, ‘what’s a super mutant?’” he asked. He knew vault dwellers were sheltered, literally, but surely they knew a super mutant was.

“I mean that I don’t know what it is,” she explained.

“How do you not know what they are?”

"No one's told me," she shrugged.

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Her friendliness had been one thing, not knowing basic knowledge was another. He began to wonder just how naive she was. He reminded himself of all the benefits of the job before he said anything else.

“They’re big, green, dumb, and ugly. And very dangerous,” he explained he sounded harsher than he had intended, but he did not care at the moment.

“That’s what they’re called?” she gasped.

Ok, so she isn’t totally fucking clueless, he thought. MacCready could be surprisingly patient, he was a sniper after all. The majority of his time spent sniping was waiting. But he had very little patience when it came to a lack of basic knowledge. For adults anyhow. He could understand a five-year-old not knowing everything about the wastes, children required patience, but an adult? Even if she was a vault dweller he felt like she should know the very basics. Fuck, am I in for a long ride, he thought.

He looked around them for a route that would not bring them too close to the mutants. He spotted a path that strayed away from them, but would wind up bringing them awfully close to a raider camp. He would rather deal with raiders than mutants any day.

“Follow me,” he whispered, “we’re gonna have to deal with some raiders, but it’ll be an easier fight.”

“Don’t need to convince me,” she said.

Together they quietly made their way closer and closer to the raider camp. It was still early in the day, but the raiders were already drunk and high off their asses. Better for them.

Just as he had suspected they noticed them, but before they could do anything the boss reacted like lightning.

“Cover me!” she ordered over her shoulder. She shot down one raider before she slammed the butt of her gun into the next one’s face. She ducked and dodged the one with a switchblade. The two of them took down the camp in no time. The fight against the mongrels had been one thing, the way she handled the raiders was something else.

He watched her as she patted down their bodies looking for loot. She handed him exactly half of the caps, stimpaks, and radiation medications she found.

“You weren’t fu-kidding about splitting everything equally,” he laughed.

“I mean what I say,” she shrugged, “let’s get going if there’s nothing you want.”

“Let’s get goin’ then, boss,” he said, leading the way.

When they got to the road that led right up to The Castle a man standing outside an old diner on the side called to the boss.

“General Flynn! Over here!” he called.

“Hey, Garvey!” she called back as she walked toward the diner.

Inside they were greeted by three more people. The man who had greeted the boss, Garvey, said, “Everyone’s here, General.”

He fought himself to keep his mouth shut. They were only going to attack this place with six people? Were they joking?

”This is Scott McNiall, Serena Martinelli, and Leon Whittle,” Garvey said introducing them, “Everyone this is General Claudia Flynn, and…”

“This is MacCready, he’s a mercenary I hired along the way. I don’t want to spread resources too thin,” she said.

“I see,” he responded, clearly not particularly happy about the decision, but he did not say anything more about it. Instead he turned around towards the stone building.

“Impressive isn’t it? It’s real name is Fort Independence, but the Minutemen always just called it the Castle. Now you can see why I wanted to take it back.”

“Definitely. For a six hundred year old, Revolutionary era fort, it’s in pretty good shape.”

How does she know what this place is? MacCready thought. He tuned back into the conversation just in time for him to hear the boss decide on a plan.

“Let’s split up and flank them.”

“Alright then. Let’s go. Try not to draw their attention until we’re in position.”

As they took their positions the boss turned to him. She asked, “So, what do you think?”

MacCready raised an eyebrow at her. A boss had never asked what his thoughts were on the job. He usually had to interject if he wanted them to know what he thought. The most anyone ever really asked was if he could do the job.

“Why do you care?”

“Uhh… because you’re a person? A person I’m asking to fight with me?” she said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“You aren’t asking me to fight, you’re paying me to fight,” he corrected.

“Still a person. And given that we’re going to be traveling together, I need to make sure you’re doing alright. Can’t do your job if you aren’t focused.”

He sighed, “Fine. Even though this place could use some work, it’s a pretty good lookin’ stronghold. Better in the hands of the Minutemen, than raiders or Gunners. Anything else you wanted?”

He winced internally. He had not meant to sound that harsh.

She rolled her eyes, and shook her head with an incredulous smile. He was surprised that she took it so well.

They settled into their positions. MacCready, the boss, and Garvey took the main gate, while the other three waited for a signal. Once the fighting began, it did not take very long. Mirelurks had tough shells, but with good enough aim and some distance they were ridiculously easy to take care of. When all that was left in the courtyard was their eggs, the group headed in.

“Ya know, it would have been nice to know how big those things are,” the boss said.

“Crabs weren’t that big?” Garvey asked, a little shocked.

She shook her head no.

Before he could ask what that meant, he changed the subject, “Damn. Looks like they’ve been nesting.”

McNiall chimed in, “‘Lurks like to hide in old buildings. Walls are probably full of ‘em.”

The boss nodded thoughtfully. She looked at the group before turning to MacCready, and asking, “You any good with a pistol?”

“Better with my rifle, but yeah. Why?”

“MacCready, Major Garvey, and I will clear out the walls. The rest of you take care of the nests and any remaining Mirelurks,” she said handing him her pistol. Her orders were met with a chorus of ‘yes ma'ams’.

She took her shotgun from it’s handmade holster on her back, and headed towards the building. The two men followed closely behind. Lucky for them it was mostly softshells and hatchlings inside the walls. They were easier to take down than the average mirelurk. When they reached the old general’s quarters they were not only met with what ended up being a face full of mirelurk slime, but also a missile launcher.

MacCready let out a low wolf whistle as she picked it up.

“Now look at this beauty,” he said.

She looked at Garvey with confusion. “How did they lose this place when they had this thing, and all these missiles?”

“Beats me. Like I said. They lost this place before my time.”

Just then the ground shook with a loud rumbling. The Minutemen outside started yelling.

“The hell…” she wondered out loud.

One of the Minutemen yelled for them to come see whatever was causing the chaos, and the boss took off like a rocket, missile launcher in hand. He and Garvey quickly followed suit. MacCready grabbed some extra missiles before leaving, just to be safe.

Outside they were met by what could only be a mirelurk queen rising out of the water and over the rubble. He had never seen one before, but he had heard about them. It was one of the most terrifying things he had ever seen, and that was saying something. It was only slightly shorter than the intact walls of the fort. It made a god awful clicking noise as acid spewed from its mouth. He was almost completely paralyzed with fear, though he would never admit it.

The boss on the other hand had more resolve. She shouted at everyone to get out of the way as she took aim with the launcher. The first missile did decent damage, it only caused the monster of a creature to recoil. The second missile caused it to go careening back into the water where it came from.

He looked at her in amazement as the others whooped and hollered around them. She stood there with a fire in her eyes as she spoke to them. It took a lot to impress him, but this certainly did the trick. After a show like that he was more willing to put up with her lack of knowledge of the world. Not many people could hold their own in a fight like that, and traveling with someone like that was worth most downsides, even if that downside meant there was a long road ahead.

Chapter 1 Read it on ao3

[solitaria-fantasma]

((Session #5 highlights, GO!))

Our DM admitted to me the night before that this session was going to be “plot and  C H A O S” and honestly I am sO excited.

We start off with Matthias telling the party that he’d gone back to the bazaar and stolen a forged ledger. We’re uncovering organized crime today.

Recap: We still need to return Von Trikona’s books, as well as investigate/avenge the death of Clarissa Rose.

There are two new country names on the map - Croyden and Iandow!

New non-country locations listed include: Red Hawk, Caister, Alenwik, Aynor, Leeside, Dewsbary, Peinrith, Farenfros, Veritas, and Westwend.

Also ‘Fwee’ is actually spelled ‘Phwie’ and I need to adjust my notes.

We stumbled across a hungover wizard being harassed by a goblin. I immediately tried to scare it away, and rolled REALLY high intimidation.

“The goblin is intimidated af, and fucks off into the wilds.”

The wizard - Renaldo Ladboy - admitted that he’d ‘partied too hard’ the night before, and didn’t remember WHY he’d pitched his camp out in the woods.

Renaldo perks up when he hears that we are travelers, and heading in the same direction he is. He offers to take us there, but since a teleport spell has a limit on how many it can carry, and we are five people + five horses, he basically wants to put us in a Bag of Holding.

I imagined Renaldo pulling Udaji out by her horns and burst out laughing bc she’s sEVEN FEET TALL IT’D BE LIKE THE ENDLESS HANDKERCHIEF TRICK BUT WITH A BARD-

“Get in the fucking bag, Mountain!”

“What was the price of your freedom?”/”A Pringle.”

The interior of a Bag of Holding is - in the DM’s words - ‘a dumpster fire’. There’s everything from random treasure to books to laundry just thrown about in piles....and also there’s another person.

This is Helena (played by the DM’s mom), and she has been in here for a long time, apparently.

There is also Theo, a mysterious voice hidden in the laundry. They warn us to be wary of ‘skittering sounds’, and to hide when we hear them.

I think we were tricked.

Matthias knelt down specifically to slap Claus, who had rolled the highest on the insight check and found nothing suspicious.

Theo came out of hiding to once more warn us to be careful what we touched, and be wary of ‘the Guardians’.

Theo has been in here too long, though, and has a very small reservoir of spoons, so after this final warning, he disappeared back into hiding.

It is DEAFENINGLY quiet inside the Bag of Holding.

Udaji nervously strummed her lute, and the echo took a long time to come back…..and then we heard a flutter.

While Matthias tried to loot some potions and Mountain tried to take a nap, I strummed again to try and recreate the flutter….and I heard more fluttering. It was loud enough to actually wake up Mountain.

Udaji immediately ran off to investigate one of the sources of the fluttering, and then the fluttering turned into skittering. Oh no.

“Udaji, roll for initiative.”

I roared into the darkness and managed to intimidate away one of the gargoyles that were stalking me.

I also apparently terrified Theo with my ‘I Am A Mighty Dragon’ roar. Whoops.

I shouted back to the party “I FOUND THE SKITTERING THINGS!” and retreated one square, but Udaji is simultaneously too stubborn to completely run away and too afraid to run off into the darkness (again).

I TOOK “ZONE OF TRUTH” AS A SPELL LAST LEVEL UP I COULD HAVE CAST IT ON RENALDO-

Helena temporarily lit up our little corner of Hell, and I cast Heroism on Mountain because I have no ranged weaponry/spells.

Mountain could gain a max of 40 temporary hp from this spell if A) he doesn’t get hit and B) I don’t get hit and lose concentration.

Aaaaand one gargoyle promptly flew 60 feet and bit me, shattering my concentration. Heck.

Mountain tried to do a trick shot with his bow and accidentally shot Matthias.

Gargoyle #1 tried to bite Claus, but missed because Claus was too short for it to hit.

I desperately want to test out my Earth Tremor spell but my teammates are tOO CLOSE-

Honestly sessions with the DM’s mom are always a little bit awkward bc it sometimes becomes the mom and three sisters arguing and me just sitting there in awkward silence but I know she means well.

Theo ran up and hit behind the Dragonborn for safety when a THIRD gargoyle came out of hiding. This may prove to be a mistake

Gargoyle #1 hit Claus and I’m starting to wish I’d made Udaji a barbarian bECAUSE I’M READY TO RAGE-

All anger aside I’m actually having a very hard time not envisioning these gargoyles as THE Gargoyles from the Disney show, and I feel bad every time I stab them.

THEO KNOWS DIVINE SMITE?!

“It’s a very, very high pile of laundry, so we’re going to classify it as difficult terrain.”

I lost almost half my hit points in one turn and then got healed half of THAT back in the next what a roller coaster.

I FINALLY GOT TO USE EARTH  TREMOR AND KNOCKED GARGOYLE #1 PRONE!

Two gargoyles down, one to go!

Helena coming in with the killing blow on gargoyle #1!

With the battle over, Helena picked up some of the gold off the ground.

Poor Theo was being harassed by those three gargoyles for at least a month, maybe more (it’s hard to keep track of time in a dark, sunless void).

Theo admits that he got tricked into entering the bag after getting injured fighting ghouls, and the wizard came along and offered to carry him to safety.

Renaldo has now kidnapped seven people with his Bag of Holding, and has four people lined up to punch him (the other three advocate for murder).

Theo gives us a much clearer warning now about ‘the Guardians’ - two suits of armor that guard Renaldo’s stuff, and attack people who try to steal it.

Matthias immediately disappears to try and steal things.

Udaji sat down and started filling the silence with lute music because she is realizing that she does NOT like this kind of heavy silence.

Astrid stole a few potions, and Mountain realized we could switch out our suspicious, fake gold for real gold.

Theo watched us in visible confusion as we poured gold out onto the ground, only to then pick up equal amounts of seemingly identical gold.

“This man has kidnapped seven people! Seven people and presumably five horses!”

Astrid has a crush on Mountain, and tries to snuggle up to him, but Matthias literally flung himself between them in protest, so Astrid snuggled up with Udaji instead.

We took a long rest, and at the end of it, Renaldo actually remembered to pull us all out.

The only reason he remembered was because he’d teleported with our party’s horses, and landed surrounded by equines.

Theo punched him square in the nose.

“Claus is old enough to drink, but Udaji is not. Do not let the Dragonborn order beer.”

We hadn’t eaten in two and a half days, so we all ordered double meals and chowed down.

While eating on the mostly empty inn floor, we overhear two women whispering across the floor.

Eventually, one of the women raises her voice and says “We are not having this discussion! You are marrying Hassan, and that’s final!”

Marrying the Lord who was supposedly betrothed to the young Lady Rose? So soon? How scandalous…

Matthias sidled up to try and talk to them, and finds out that they are, in fact, talking about the same Lord Hassan who was betrothed to Clarissa Rose.

The older woman demanded to know how we knew of this supposed ‘other prospect’, and Matthias lied - saying that we had been hired by Clarissa’s mother to retrieve her daughter’s body.

This, predictably, did not endear him to the two women, so Astrid had to saunter over and try to assist.

The women are Amelia (younger) and Charlotte (older) Ulsten.

They asked when this previous engagement had been made, and we said that it had been a month. Charlotte got very pale and very still, and Amelia immediately told her “I told you something was wrong!”

Charlotte tells us that they had received the marriage proposal around the same time.

Matthias asked if they had heard the rumors of ‘accidents’ and stolen dowries. They said no.

The two women were traveling from Westwend, in Croyden.

“Charlotte sort of blubbers, like a Karen who’s been confronted by a manager and isn’t getting her free Frostie from Wendy’s.”

I traded places with Matthias to try and smooth things over, and Amelia - who has never seen a Dragonborn before - can’t stop staring.

Charlotte unbristled, and explained that they hadn’t heard of Lord Hassan before the proposal, so they’d hired a private investigator to look into him.

Their PI found that Lord Hassan WAS a legitimate bachelor and Lord in Kenkilly, but they hadn’t heard of this potential scam.

“But we DO have guards!”/”So did Miss Rose…”

Amelia begs her mother not to make her see this through, and Charlotte agrees that this scenario is too weird for her, and that they will seek a marriage prospect elsewhere.

Matthias speed-ate all his cake purely to avoid sharing with anyone.

Astrid gave her father puppy eyes, and he eventually caved, and bought her a slice of cake.

Amelia was still staring at Udaji as everyone settled back down to finish eating.

Claus and Astrid may or may not be leaving the party for a time bc the DM doesn’t want to end up playing too many NPCs, and while I understand that, I am going to dearly miss my best halfling friend and only female companion.

[autumnslance]

Lmao I got three I'm particularly curious about for you on the character meme. Thancred, Lahabrea, Igeyorhm. XD Feel free to do as many or as few as you'd like of course!

You asked for it. We’ll start with That Damned Rogue. The Ascians will be below.

This of course got long, so behind a cut it goes:

Thancred

First impression: I started in Gridania and took like 2 years to finish ARR 2.0, was already spoiled on the possession angle (I spoiled myself, no big), and had just @erickgage‘s affectionate joking summary of Thancred being the guy who shows up 5 minutes late with Starbucks to all the early battles. So I didn’t really get to meet the guy ‘til the Waking Sands.

And honestly, he was stereotypical generic bland anime prettyboy competent guy. His 1.0/ARR model is…just sorta there. He was a flirt, also generic as heck. Really didn’t register too much, until I finished 2.0 finally and then went hard on the MSQ through the patches and into HW and StB 4.0, when I finally caught up to content.

Impression now: Godsdammit.

My first replay through the game was on PunchyCat, starting in Ul’dah, which meant I got to meet Thancred much earlier. I was immediately amused by his nickname for Nanamo, and Papashan’s assessment of the witty Archon. I was more into the lore, getting the first lorebook and reading the short stories on the main site, and playing through all at once instead of piecemeal over months/years made things make more sense. Thancred hits a lot of tropes I commonly like in a lot of characters, so he jumped up to being a favorite.

Gunbreaker suits him as a tank job (thank goodness he can stop trying to tank warmachina as a rogue, ffs Thancred), and tanking in general suits him when it comes to fighting for those he cares about.

I’m interested in the ShB story mentioning why he wears white in all his gear iterations; I’d previously made a post about his color choices and that aspect of character design, but having a lore explanation for his affinity for that color was interesting. I didn’t think his HW model suited him, honestly; way too rough mountain man hobo. His model in ShB is closer to his ARR model, but different enough, and imbued now with actual character, that he’s a bit more visually interesting and while still pretty typical handsome anime protagonist in appearance; his true personality just comes through a lot more.

I’m still forever mad about the unintentional character ‘ship with Aeryn, tho. It took a 3rd playthrough for it to happen.

For myself, mind, when I got into playing and learned his canonical age, it was at the time the same difference between myself and my younger brother. My assessment of the Scion “family” with Thancred being the middle child (esp his behavior pre-HW) maybe helps that. I’m getting to a point, really, where I look at the characters under 35 and think “OMG disaster children, all of you.”

Favorite moment: Oh goodness. There’s some good ones.

‘How was I supposed to know all my girlfriends would track me down and show up at HQ all at the same time: a master class in how to not to deal with multiple paramours by Archon T. Waters.’

His dramatic reappearance and duel with Ardbert in HW 3.1.

Taking out his frustrations by soloing the Coerthas cyclops boss so we can get on with the Tournament and fight Raubahn. (Side Bonus: pre-tournament when he jokes about fighting for the other team to even up the odds, and then: “It looks to be a veritable who’s who of the Eorzean Alliance. The only question is: who came to watch and who came to fight? Hmm…Nanamo. Definitely Nanamo.”)

Making sure Urianger knew he was still part of the team post-Soul Surrender climax.

“All right, which one of you triggered the obvious trap?” Also learning he can hold his breath for 10 freaking minutes–but still gets to be jealous of the WoL, Lyse, and Alisaie for their kojin blessing.

That dramatic teamwork with Urianger to knock Ran’jit down the pit in Rak’tika.

That frickin’ Trolley duty and it’s aftermath with the completed checklist of anime death markers and then just sitting there battered and bleeding and smiling and then giving Ryne a name and a headpat and “You’re family.” Bastard.

Idea for a story: Have you seen my Ao3 account? *grumbles*

Unpopular opinion: While he likely used drinking as a bad coping mechanism at times in ARR’s patches, I doubt he ever really went to blackout, as losing control to that extent, after having been controlled and probably losing a lot of time while possessed, would be awful. We see him drink a few times, but I don’t think he is/was an alcoholic.

I also agree with @ahlis-xiv that his flirtatious persona was mostly adopted. While he probably does have a healthy libido and enjoys time with paramours (that Urianger keeps a handy list of), there’s a lot that’s likely exaggerated, allowed to be assumed, and otherwise used as a cover, given his specializations. It’s also noteworthy how he’s mostly acting the same even after being lost in the wilderness, right up until our foray into the Antitower. The wit/humor gets toned down a lot, but the flirting is cut out entirely after that. He still charms some ladies in the First, based on incidental dialogue, but that seems a general reaction to him being a handsome hero type rather than any intentional flirtatious act on his part.

Favorite relationship: Thancred and little sister types. I do wish we’d seen more of his relationship with Minfilia outside of informed moments and the short stories. I feel like he has a semi-older-brother relationship with Lyse, too, given their antics in the 2.0 patches (particularly the “Hoary’s fighting the WoL, come watch!” and Thancred not even considering how one of his girlfriends would see him sending Lyse to retrieve an item until after and going “oh yeah, whoops”). And now there’s Ryne, and she is totally running things if you watch their background conversations/body language. But that’s kind of where Thancred likes it; find a girl who needs a protective older brother and do what she asks and whatever she needs.

I do have a special place in my heart for the expanded broship with Urianger that Shadowbringers gave us, though. I’ve already spoken on that one.

Favorite headcanon: Everything people assume about how he spoils the nutkin. And really, focusing on taking care of and doting on a pet would be good therapy. Goodness knows he needs it.

Also I assume he and Hilda hooked up at least once during the HW patches. Part of that expectation and cover, sure, to immediately flirt with the pretty, tough, half-elezen guard captain. But also, he spent however long mostly alone, and then only with the Vath and a nutkin for company; the guy was probably touch-starved and lonely and just needing a connection to another person he could relate to (that wasn’t a bug).

Otherwise, again, have you seen my Ao3? Ugh. Damned snarky smart rogues…

————

Lahabrea

First impression: Laughing Organization XIII-wannabe is obvious villain. Wonder what their deal is.

Impression now: So much lost/wasted potential thanks to being stuck as the ARR villain when it was so hastily rewritten and acted, and so little was decided on the Ascians and their motivations yet. A lot of what we learn now retroactively makes him more interesting. The fact he was a workaholic who looked at the workaholic Scion and went “ah yes; that one will do, perfect” makes me laugh.

Favorite moment: I like his interactions with Elidibus. And I am actually fairly fond of his theatrical reveal in Praetorium about the Ultima Weapon, the Heart of Sabik, and casting Ultima.

Idea for a story: Maybe stuff while he’s possessing Thancred. Maybe stuff between then and the Reactor. I dunno; I’ve been enjoying a lot of others’ stories about our first Ascian antagonist.

Unpopular opinion: Dunno if this is unpopular, but some of the retroactive information is to excuse why he seemed so much less powerful than other, later Ascians, but I do think the Speaker could be quite devious and powerful, if he had better writing around him. He suffers for being from ARR.

Favorite relationship: I am not ashamed to admit I am a Lahabrea/Igeyorhm shipper and Hades Ex seems to agree with me so there.

Favorite headcanon: The Speaker likely also had a good singing voice. Another thing good about possessing a man whose primary cover was a bard–excuses to indulge that.

————

Igeyorhm

First impression: Wannabe-Organization XIII also hires women, cool. Wonder if she’ll get to do anything?

Impression now: I’m sad so much got cut from HW; as great as it was, a lot got left on the editing room floor and it shows in spots–particularly where the Ascians connect with the plot. We learn much about her retroactively as well, including how she worked for/with Lahabrea thanks to being the one to wreck the Thirteenth, and change Ascian policy on how to bring about Rejoinings. I still wanna know more about her.

Favorite moment: You beat the whale, good job–thanks, that’s my key now. It’s such a perfect dick move. Excellent timing and taunting. 

Idea for a story: Maybe some of her inner thoughts working for/with Lahabrea. She was a raised up shard, so does that mean they found the scattered pieces of her original soul and force-merged them? I doubt it, since Emet-Selch mentions raising up those who are a piece of the previous office holder, but I wonder if it came with imbuing the new title-holder with some of those memories and knowledge. Perhaps she wonders if some of her interactions/feelings/whatever with Lahabrea are her own, or her tapping into her previous life’s memories. Something to think about, anyway.

Unpopular opinion: I dunno, she shoulda gotten to stick around longer? Or been allowed to do a lot more? Should have been much more of a presence in HW, but I don’t think that’s unpopular so much as unconsidered.

Favorite relationship: Lahabrea is really the only one she gets significant interactions with. Though I wonder about her interactions with the other few women in the Ascians.

Favorite headcanon: See above with the story ideas, really; she didn’t get a lot of time onscreen so there’s a lot of room to make things up, and retroactive info from ShB to make her more interesting, or at least her situation as an upraised Ascian.

[noradarhkpalmer]

go elf yourself

Title: go elf yourself

Rating: PG

Pairing: Nora Darhk/Ray Palmer aka Darhkatom

Warnings: None

Summary/Notes: Nora Darhk pulls out her elf costume every year to get her through the holidays, this Christmas though, she meets a special person who could help change her life for the better. (Modern AU)

Day one of the 2019 edition of 25 days of Darhkatom! Feel free to click the through the tag to see last year’s! Basically, like last year, I will be posting all loosely related (unless stated otherwise) fics for 25 days straight!

ao3 link: here

Nora was starting to feel like her ‘starving artist’ motif was getting old. This realization would’ve been much to her parents chagrin, god rest their souls. She’d done a lot of odd jobs to pick up extra cash: dog walker, Swyft driver, and now that the Christmas season was upon them: she was pulling out that damn elf costume. Sure she’d broken it in enough that it was no longer itchy and she loved seeing the kids light up at meeting Santa, yeah, but she didn’t like when the parents would force their kids for a dumb picture they wouldn’t remember, and pay, honestly in her opinion, far too much for one stupid picture.

But it would pay her bills until the new year, combined with watching her friends John and Gary’s cat, Cleo, while they honeymooned in the Swiss Alps, and that’s all that mattered.

Nora shuffled into the mall and listened to her boss debrief yeah yeah yeah there’d be two Santas this year because of pay cuts it was cheaper to pay two at less hours than one for all. Nora stopped listening and re-familiarized herself with the camera, she wished she had enough money to spare for even a basic model of one of those, her hands itching to get back into photography full time.

Finally after redundant training, the workshop was open. Kids and parents lined up to see Santa, an older gentleman who’d done the job for years. She went through the motions for a full two hours until she heard her name.

“NORA! You’re back again this year!”

Nora smiled cordially at her friend Mona who did this job every winter she had. “I am!”

“I’m so excited!” Mona bounced up and down, the jingle bells on her outfit bouncing with her.

“Could you go excitedly redirect the line?”

Mona nodded and sets off getting the line in order.

There’s a full week of this routine before Nora’s life completely changed.

“UNCLE RAY!!! Cmon!!! Santa’s gonna leave before we get to the front!” Nora heard a boy’s voice whine. She looked up to see through the crowd, a boy no older than six tugging on the arm of a man she couldn’t see.

“Yeah uncle Ray! Mom and dad always get here waaaaayyyy earlier!” Another whined.

Nora rolled her eyes and got back to work, at least when the boys get to the front they won’t be pitching a fit about seeing Santa.

It’s about a half hour later when she spotted them and looked up at the face of their Uncle Ray.

And holy mother of baby Jesus, this Uncle Ray is what she’d like to unwrap come Christmas morning.

“Can they get pictures individually and together? Their parents usually do that.”

Nora nodded, vaguely recognizing the boys from years past. “Sure thing.”

The boys scurried up to Santa as Mona animatedly explained the packages to Uncle Ray. Nora instructed the boys accordingly to get individual and then a shot with the two of them.

“This job seems like fun.” Ray said, and Nora realizes, to her.

“Umm yeah I guess! Lines can get a little nuts but Mona is super helpful.”

“Are you always behind the camera.”

“Most of the shift but sometimes Mona is.”

“So they allow you to take breaks? Have lunch?”

“Yeah what do you think we aren’t allowed to sit down our whole shift?”

“No…”

“This job is a lot harder when the pictures don’t sync, when the camera malfunctions, I have to exhaust all options before calling IT or else I’m in hot water. This is a complex job. It’s hard wrangling kids, making them look at the camera, and parents aren’t always nice and neither are the kids.”

“Lady I’m sorry I didn’t…”

“You didn’t think yeah, please take your nephews if you’re not gonna get a package and go elf yourself alright?”

Ray tried to hide a laugh.

“What?” Nora asked with the threat level of an angry bunny.

“An elf is telling me to go elf myself. It’s just funny.”

“Funny?”

Ray can’t stop laughing and Nora realized how ridiculous this whole thing is. She’s burned out from snapping pictures and asks Mona to switch out so she can go on a break. She shuffled with her tinsel between her legs over to Ray once the boys have their photos.

“I’m sorry I snapped.”

“It’s okay. Even elves have their limits.”

Nora glared.

“Sorry last elf joke!”

“Did your nephews enjoy themselves?”

The boys flanking Ray nodded. “Yeah especially when you yelled at Uncle Ray it was really funny!”

Nora’s cheeks flushed red. “Oh umm well.”

“Do it again!”

Nora shook her head. “Sorry boys I try to not lose my temper.”

“Awwwww.” They whined.

“Do elves take hot cocoa breaks?”

Nora looked up at him and Ray retracts.

“Okay that was the last one, sorry it was my lame attempt at asking you out.”

The boys next to them gasped and cover their mouth in scandal and Nora smiled. “As long as you don’t mind that I put caramel drizzle on top.”

“Not at all.”

xxxx

It’s a few days later that Nora finally works a shift with the new Santa. She eyed him, he’s clearly wearing a fake beard, so he’s not old enough to sport the natural face hair of a Santa. She nudged Mona.

“What’s this Santa’s deal?”

“Oh he’s super nice! I haven’t talked to him much but he’s really nice.”

“Why did they hire a young Santa?”

“Most of the kids can’t tell and the ones that do we tell Santa shaved his beard but didn’t want to scare the kiddos.”

Nora eyed her in suspicion. When there’s a break in the day she shuffled over to Santa. She checked her phone, noting no text from Ray. After she’d formally introduced herself over cocoa with him and his nephews, they had exchanged numbers. They’d been texting non stop but today? Silence.

Nora sighed and Santa patted the space next to him. She slumped down.

“Ho ho ho, my elf, what’s got you so blue this Christmas? Is it something a wish to Santa can fix?”

Nora smiled and stared down at her lap. “I don’t know if you can fix this one, Santa, I’m just missing someone which is silly because I haven’t known them for very long.”

“A person can mean everything to you in a matter of days. And that’s quite alright.”

“I think he’s some big tech higher up, I’m just a loser artist, I don’t have a shot in…” she looked around at the passing children, “heck.”

Santa belly laughs again and pats her leg. “I think I can work some of my Santa magic for you, my dear, just you wait.”

She only had to wait a few more hours, after the mall closed. She cashed out the drawers when she heard someone behind her.

“We just closed for the night Santa will be back tomorrow.”

“I’m actually looking for the cutest elf in Santa’s workshop.”

Nora smiled wide, hearing Ray’s voice, she turned around and her breath left her. There he stood, half dressed in a Santa suit, holding his hat and beard in his hand. “You’re the other Santa? Why? Aren’t you like stupid rich?”

“I’m doing this for free so the other Santa who is getting up there in age, can have days off so it’s better on his joints. He gets all my pay though.”

Nora gasped. “Ray… so wait that means you heard…”

“You talking about missing me? Sorry I ran late this morning and well I was doing this all day.”

Nora nodded. “Right yeah… gosh I feel like such an idiot.”

“Don’t.” Ray takes her hand. “Don’t feel like an idiot because I’ve been missing you.”

“Well I’ve been right here all day.”

“But I haven’t been able to do this.” Ray cupped her cheeks in his hands and kissed her softly.

Nora smiled after the kiss breaks. “Is Santa allowed to kiss one of his elves?”

Ray rolled his eyes playfully. “I can stop.”

“Don’t you dare.” Nora poked him in the chest.

“I’m gonna make this the best Christmas you’ve ever had.”

“So does that mean you’re like one-up yourself every Christmas?”

Ray playfully dipped her. “You bet your ass I will.”

Two Years Later

“Did you set the timer?”

“Of course I did what kind of photographer do you think I am?” Nora rushed back over to her family and pulled Tori into her lap so she’s sitting between her and Ray. The baby clapped happily as Nora gently bounced her, counting down until the very last second and stopping so they get a good picture. Nora went to the camera and played back the pictures, they finally got a good one! Nora waved Ray over with Tori in his arms and smiles.

“Looks great, babe.” Ray kissed the top of her head. Nora took their one year old in her arms and kissed Ray properly.

“Thanks, think it’s good enough to use for the website?”

“Absolutely. Have I told you how proud I am of you?”

“Mmmm not today.”

“Well I’m so incredibly proud of you. You’ve come so far.”

“And managed to grow two humans while running a photography business!”

“Nora, we only have one… wait… are you saying…” Ray’s eyes grew wide.

Nora grinned and nodded. “I know you like to one up on Christmas but I couldn’t help myself. Apparently neither could you.” She elbowed him playfully.

“I love you. So much.” Ray kissed her and Tori fussed between them.

“Aww don’t like mama kissing Santa Claus, baby girl?” Nora kissed all over Tori’s face instead, making the girl giggle. “Gonna be a big sister!”

“Does this mean we can do family photos next year with us as Santa and Mrs. Claus and them as tiny elves?”

Nora let out a small laugh. “Sure babe. Why not.”

“Good cause they can’t know Santa fell in love with an elf. Might ruin his street cred.” Ray grinned cheekily.

Nora elbowed him again. “Oh go elf yourself.”

[sodoyouknowbts]

Yoongi x Reader - Guardian (Twelve)

Part of the ‘Souls’ Series.

Summary: Min Yoongi is a cynical guardian angel assigned to look after you.

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader (ft Hoseok)

Genre: Romance, fantasy, soul mates

Author: Pilot

Chapter Twelve

You stare blankly at the water filter through the litre bottle on the kitchen table. You had a splitting headache and the paracetamol you’d downed earlier hadn’t quite taken effect yet.

One missed call notification waits on your phone when you head back to your bedroom.

Curious, you play the voicemail message that had been left along with it. It’s Sasha and she wants to talk. Hands linger over the call back button and you decide instead, to shove your phone into your tote bag and throw it on the bed. You’d call her back later.

You head over to the bathroom and stand there with your hands on your hips as you observe what appeared to be Yoongi’s parker on your body. Frowning, you crouch down to get a toothbrush from under the basin. There aren’t any. You swore yesterday there were. You stand up.

There’s a newly opened toothbrush sitting on the bathroom sink.

That’s right. Yoongi had brushed my teeth last night. You laugh at the thought. Turning on the tap, you rinse it under the water and apply a thin coat of toothpaste, shoving it into your mouth. You gaze at the olive green parker. It’s zipped up to your chin and you wonder how that happened. You stop brushing your teeth and begin to unzip it just a little. That’s when you suddenly remember that you’d done it yourself.

Sighing, you spit out the minty toothpaste and gargle. You wipe the droplets of water from the corners of your mouth with a small hand towel. You go to exit but your eyes catch the bathtub. You’d been sitting on the edge when he’d brushed your teeth for you and you had -

Oh god.

A memory of your lips on Yoongi’s surfaces. 

You had practically pulled him down onto you. You feel a mix of regret and nervousness bubble in your gut and your find your hands covering your lips. 

“Time for you to go, you’ll be late for your bus if you keep staring at yourself in the mirror!” Your dad calls out to you from the kitchen.

“Coming!” you yell out, your voice shaking. You rush back to the bedroom and that’s when another memory surfaces. You’d clung to his arm like a child and not let him go until you’d fallen asleep. 

Groaning, you grab your tote bag and sling it over your shoulder. One last look is all you give your room before you race out to the kitchen to bid your father goodbye.

//

Yoongi is leaning against the bus stop, his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

He’d gone and slept on the couch that night - or at least, he had tried to. He’d spent the whole sleepless night laying on the uncomfortable lounge thinking of that fateful day in the snow. What had you been doing there? Was it fate or was it pre-meditated? What were the chances you’d save him when he was younger and he was responsible for looking after you now, so many years on.

Yoongi replayed that day over and over in his mind until eventually, sleep had taken him. Morning rose and so had your father, who had trudged through the house from his bedroom to the kitchen. Yoongi had sat up, one arm lingering on the back of the couch as he watched your father begin to boil the kettle and stuff a teaspoon into a large tin of instant coffee.

He’d recognised your father instantly as the man he had delivered the parcel to, on behalf of the custodian. Your father was older, but still had the same air about him. 

Yoongi can feel you approaching and quickly straightens up.

“Morning,” he says, playing it cool.

“H-hi,” you say, uncertain.

Yoongi doesn’t allude to anything that had transgressed between the two of you last night and you quietly take a seat on the cold silver bench. You’re there, playing with the fraying material on your jeans, mind so far away from where you were - that you don’t notice the bus is heading down the street.

“You coming?” he asks.

He’s standing at the open door, urging you to get on.

“Y-Yeah, coming.” You rush toward the bus, getting on. It jerks off and you stumble forwards. Yoongi’s arms wrap around you to steady you and your heart almost jumps out of your chest. You’re thankful it’s an almost empty bus and quickly take a seat before your legs give way.

Yoongi decides to sit across from you and you do your best to keep your eyes focused out of the window. Were you really going to sit there like that for three hours? 

A sinking feeling develops in your stomach.

Yoongi gazes at you. If he had the power to read minds, which he didn’t, he would have been able to see you re-living that moment over and over in your mind. Granted, it was written on your face.

“How are you feeling?”

“I-I’m fine.” you laugh awkwardly. How would you dress this? Although, come to think of it, the both of you had been pulled together in equally as awkward situations. Like that time he’d appeared in your bed and you’d woken up together. Or that time you had slipped on water in his kitchen and pulled him down with you by his towel and he was completely naked on top of you. Or like that time he -

“Sorry, I need to go. My new assignment is calling for me.” his voice interrupts your thoughts.

“W-what?”

Before he can answer you, he disappears in a flash before your eyes. You sit there, a little surprised. You tentatively reach out a hand in the blank space in front of you. He had definitely gone.

New assignment?

//

Sasha sighs as she stirs the foam on her cappuccino. 

“Kang Sang-Ho, he was holding another gentleman’s night - like he usually does. Honestly - ” she says as she drops the spoon down on the side plate. “ - he always just does whatever the heck he wants. It’s exhausting. He’s been getting so high and so drunk. More government officials have been coming along now, too.” she trails off and you nod, scribbling on your notepad. “Some new faces I haven’t seen around before.”

You were situated in a small cafe hidden behind a large fiddle-leaf fig, away from the crowd. Sasha was wearing a cap and large sunglasses that covered most of her face.

You weren’t sure if just covering the story with a statement from just Sasha was going to be enough.

“Did you recognise them?” you ask.

“Do you think anyone is really going to believe just me?” she asks, not listening to your question. “They have money and we don’t. They all end up hiring former judges as their lawyers anyway to represent them in court. It’s all the same.”

She had a point. Knowing the connections between Judge Park Ji Hoon and Kang Sang-Ho, it was inevitable that they’d dabble. You’d have to find a way of separating the judge from his other clients.

“Then we will just have to prove that some of the judiciary are in on it too.” you say, determined. “We just need more information.”

She looks at you and pulls a face.

“I’m not sure that my story will be enough -” she says.

“It will be fine,” you reassure her.

“You know what to look out for more than me, maybe you need to be there. Somehow.”

“How, what do you mean?”

“Maybe you should pretend to be me. Like cover one of my shifts, or something.”

She sits upright and pulls her chair in. Sasha pulls her sunglasses down so they sit lower on the bridge of her nose. “You should. You should go undercover, infiltrate and get the information you need. You keep up to date with the news, you’d know all the key players. You could ask the right questions. And then write an exposure!”

“Exposé?”

“Yes, that!”

You watch as she clicks her fingers and slides her sunglasses back up her nose. You can’t help but think maybe she’s onto something.

//

“Hey Jackson,” you say, answering your phone. 

“Got a sec?” he asks.

“Number 93?” the lady behind the counter at the bubble tea store calls out.

You stick up your hand and walk over to the counter to collect it.

“Sure,” you say as you rest your mobile between your ear and your right shoulder. You pull the wrapper off your bubble tea straw and take another hand to steady your uji matcha milk tea. This could go one of two ways, successfully or a milky mess all over the counter. 

“Listen, I was reading through some old case files. A few names kept re-appearing.”

You let out a shakey breath as you manage to puncture the plastic film of your bubble tea without spilling it. You grab your phone in your hand and collect the tea off the counter, taking a sip.

“So I did a bit more research,” Jackson continues, “and it turns out that there was a bit of a pattern. Quite a number of them were from the same company. Kang Sang-Ho’s company. While daddy’s been unwell, he’s been racking up quite a lot of incident records. Not to mention that they always seem to get the same judge overseeing any of the company’s court cases - be it any of the offences relating to the deputy CEO or minor ticket offences.”

“The prodigal rich son is at it again.”

“Seems like it,” Jackson agrees.

“Remind me why you’re always so keen to assist with things like this?” you ask as you push the door of the bubble tea store open with your hip and step outside.

“You know me,” Jackson says, “I hate favouritism. Besides, I’m a modern day Batman.”

“Except you’re not rich and don’t have a jawline that could cut cheese.”

“Wow, don’t hold back much do you?” Jackson laughs, “Anyway, how’s the rest of your investigation going?”

You sip through the straw and swallow. “Better now - that information is great, Jackson. If you can, keep the records and the list of names. I’ll get it from you this weekend? All of this just adds to it, strengthens the case. I just need something else - another lead.”

You spot Hoseok across the street and wave hello to him.

“I think I have a good idea of how to get it too,” you say, as you watch Hoseok bounce on his feet as he waits for the crosswalk to turn green. “Alright, I gotta go. I’ll speak soon.” You hang up.

“Hey!” Hoseok greets you with a smile and a hug. “So what are we doing?”

“Clothes, I need your help to choose some clothes.”

//

Hoseok frowns. “I don’t really think this is your style...” he says, his arms folded as he tilts his head. 

You tug at the already short leather skirt in an effort to pull it further down towards your knees.

“What’s this for again?” he asks.

“A friend’s birthday - dress up.” You lie, “Sort of risqué chic?”

You wonder if you shouldn’t have just asked your friend to help out, instead. Or even Sasha - if anyone knew the brief, it would be her. Then again, Hoseok was really good at finding clothes for you, and your current wardrobe was pretty conservative, mostly mid-length pleated skirts and jeans and hoodies.

“Alright, the leather works. Just match it with a silk top.” he says.

You nod slowly and Hoseok quickly rushes out to search for one. A few moments later and he’s back with a nice burgundy spaghetti strap number with a slightly draped neckline. Again he’d pulled through with the goods. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for dinner tonight?” Hoseok asks as you close the change room door and pull off the tight skirt and change into your jeans.

“It’s fine Hoseok,” You say, bundling the skirt and top in your arms and opening the door. You didn’t really feel like 

“Come on, you won’t even have to stay for long. Just try some of the pasta I made earlier today.”

“Hoseok - I’d really just -” 

“You owe me for this favour, so come over for dinner tonight.” he says. He’s adamant. 

He must have noted your uncertainty when he adds, “Yoongi won’t be home tonight.”

//

Hoseok lied.

Although, to give him credit - Yoongi had come home unexpectedly. You had been drying the last plate when Yoongi had unlocked the front door and taken off his shoes. You’d frozen, your heart beating a little too fast for your liking. You hadn’t seen or spoken to him - no texts, no calls. Nothing, not since the awkwardness on the bus.

Yoongi glances at the kitchen. He knows you’re there. He’d known as soon as he’d hit the second street from his house.

He didn’t want to reach out to you the past few days. Instead he had decided to distance himself after the kiss, but most importantly because he hadn’t quite figured out what the custodian had meant. 

The air is a little awkward but Yoongi greets you all the same.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

You turn back to the plate you’re drying. You get on your tip toes to stack it on the second shelf above the kitchen sink but you can’t seem to reach. Yoongi takes the plate in his hands and you pause, your eyes locking onto his. You slowly let go of it and he reaches up with ease, places it on the pile and closes the cupboard door.

“Thanks.” you breathe.

He just shrugs and places his bag of beer on the table in the dining room.

“Where’s Hoseok?” he asks.

“On the roof...”

“What’s he doing on the roof?”

“He said he had a private call to take - work.”

Yoongi nods and says nothing as he unloads the beers into the fridge.

You bite your lip. You were done, as far as the dishes were concerned. 

“Alright, well - I better get going.” you say, wiping your hands on the tea towel and hanging it back up on the oven door.

“Do you want me to take you home?” Yoongi asks. 

“No, it’s fine.” you suggest.

“It’s no trouble,” he says, standing straight and closing the door. “Besides, I haven’t seen you for a while.”

I wonder why.

“Seriously, it’s okay I’ll -”

“It’s late. I’ll take you home.” 

Yoongi waits by the kitchen sink. He’s leaning against it, watching you collect a bag of shopping and your tote bag from the couch. You walk to the front door of the apartment and slide your shoes on.

Yoongi follows you down the hall. You go to open the door to the apartment but he reaches in front of you and closes it gently.

“We’ll go home the easy way.” he says, placing his hand on your shoulder. 

In a whirl, you find yourself standing in the kitchen of your house.

You take a breath, you still weren’t quite used to Yoongi’s preferred method of transportation.

Your house is a little bit of a mess, your laptop is open on the kitchen counter and there’s papers, photographs and news clippings everywhere.

Yoongi frowns, picking up a piece of paper. His eyes scan a few of the words. 

“Are you still working on that story?” he asks, placing the paper down.

“Huh? Yeah, I guess so.” You respond, taking off your shoes.

“You know, you shouldn’t get too involved in that.”

Yoongi had been doing some research of his own, too. He still wasn’t quite sure what the custodian had meant by his comment regarding your life and so he had taken it upon himself to do a little digging into the case.

“Why not? I’ve been following that case for a while.”

Yoongi had been busy the past few days and had met up with Hye Ra, who had been assigned to Sasha. And he didn’t like what he had heard from her.

“You don’t have to get so deep into every case you come across.” he says. 

You frown at him. What was his point?

“What is that supposed to mean?”

He sighs. “Just that you should probably cover something a little less dangerous?”

“What? I’m a reporter. That’s my job.” You’re feeling a bit hurt by his comment - especially after everything you’d cried about a few days before.

“You’re only going to get yourself into trouble -”

“Isn’t that what I have you for, to look after me and to keep me out of trouble?” You’re feeling defensive.

Yoongi considers what to say in response but before he can reply, his phone begins to buzz. He pulls it out of his pocket and answers it.

You narrow your eyes. You can hear a voice. It’s sweet. A little too sweet. She sounds like she’s crying. Maybe it’s his new assignment.

“Okay, don’t worry. I’ll be there soon.” he says and he hangs up.

You watch as he puts the phone back into the pocket of his pants.

“You should go.” you suggest, your voice heavy. “It sounds urgent.”

“It’s not.”

“I’m fine - thank you for taking me home. As you can see, I won’t be getting into much trouble, not tonight anyway.” you say, your fist a tight by your side. “You better get to your other assignment.”

Yoongi sighs and without saying anything more, he disappears.

To be continued

[turtletotem]

Fixing “The Last Jedi”

First up, I want to establish that I loved The Last Jedi. It does, however, contain some storytelling missteps, and after considering the most common criticisms, I'm happy to report I have fixed them! Okay but seriously, I gave a lot of thought to the quickest, simplest ways the bigger problems could have been avoided. Read on to have all your dreams come true.

1. Holdo's Secret Plan/Poe's Characterization

(I don't personally think Poe was that ooc but comics readers disagree and this is an easy fix.)

Scene: Commander d'Acy (that's the older lady with the big nose, I had to look up her name) asks Vice Admiral Holdo why she's holding the Crait plan so close to her chest when people are panicking. Holdo explains she thinks they may have a mole—that's more plausible than the First Order suddenly being able to track through hyperspace, isn't it?—and she suspects Poe Dameron. Leia just demoted him, indicating he lost her trust; he just got their entire bombing fleet killed; he's got a close relationship with the defected stormtrooper, whom they really know nothing about yet; just after his falling-out with Leia, she and their entire leadership got shot into space, and Poe was visibly surprised to see Holdo step into the lead role instead of him. Commander d'Acy grudgingly admits he's been acting strange. He isn't usually this volatile, but he's been through a lot the last few days. "We all have," Holdo says, "and we'll be going through a lot more—if we're lucky."

Boom. Plothole filled in one thirty-second scene.

2. Timeline Weirdness

(I'm not sure TLJ is any worse than Empire Strikes Back in this sense, but by all means, let's fix it if possible. Here's the problem: The Resistance ships are stated to have 18 hours of fuel. In that amount of time, Finn & Rose travel to and from Canto Bight, plus Rey trains with Luke and travels to Kylo Ren. This is madness. Cantonica and Crait, for instance, are literally halfway across the galaxy from each other. Nor would 'more fuel' solve the problem, as they would then jump to lightspeed, multiple times if necessary, and probably be able to reach shelter somewhere in spite of the tracking.)

Instead of a chase, we need a siege. The last Resistance cruiser is dead in the water, its engines blown out and irreparable. They've hidden inside an asteroid field, but the First Order is bombing its way through it, and the cruiser can only keep its shields and cloaking device up for however-many-days-needed-for-plot. Poe's panic at the transports being fueled up and sent out is even more legit, since it would look like madness to leave the shaky protection of the asteroid field without a destination in mind. Bonus: Finn and Rose have to dodge asteroids and First Order ships on their way out to go to Canto Bight. Fun!

3. Luke's Failure with Ben

(This is one where I don't really have a problem with the way it is, but enough other people do that I think it's worth fixing—and now that I've done it, I really do like mine better.)

Luke never draws a lightsaber against Ben. Instead, when he perceives the darkness inside his nephew, he starts trying to alter his mind in order to cast it out, not even realize he's destabilizing Ben's personality in the process. Luke never intended to hurt Ben, he was trying his best to help him, but in a high-handed Jedi way instead of talking to him. That's why Luke is upset about hubris, thinking he was a legend who could do anything; as Jedi Master Luke Skywalker, he was certain he had both the right and the ability to alter the core of this boy's mind, to make his choices for him. When Ben wakes up and catches him at it (it was probably not even the first "session"!), he interprets it as Luke trying to brainwash and enthrall him because he hasn't been drinking the Kool-Aid like the other students. (Clearly there had already been conflict between Luke and Ben, and possible side-taking amongst the apprentices.) Bonus: Since they clearly want us to sympathize with Kylo Ren despite his horrifying actions, we can now blame some of his evilness on Luke accidentally destabilizing his mind.

4. Reylo

(On a related note, if you want a character to eventually be your romantic hero and something like a sympathetic antagonist, don't—don't do it like this.)

The mental shenanigans will help with this, as I said. For the rest of the fix, we actually have to go all the way back to the beginning of The Force Awakens. And this time, don't introduce Kylo Ren by having him massacre an entire village of innocent people for no real reason. It's easy. Just—don't do that. Problem solved. Kylo Ren now 90% more sympathetic.

But, you say, this was a crucial turning point for Finn! His character needs an atrocity to rebel against.

Okay, fine, you're right. Fine. Kill the villagers. But have someone besides Kylo Ren order it. Kylo's already gone back into his shuttle, and Phasma orders the villagers killed. Kylo has some degree of plausible deniability—he's still an evil S.O.B. but he's not directly responsible. Boom. Problem solved.

You'll notice I'm not bringing up Han. Kylo killing Han is a pretty important part of his character arc, so even though I'd certainly rather he hadn't done it, I'm not comfortable "fixing" it away. Plus, in contrast to the villagers, he had a reason to kill his father, however twisted and wrong that reason was.

Incidentally, slightly off topic, but I've seen people say Rey forgives Ben too easily for killing Han. For what it's worth, on second watch I think I found the key moment there—when she understands that Ben did love his father, didn't kill him out of hatred or contempt but actually because he loved him, and Han was therefore a weakness. That's all kinds of screwed up, of course, but that enabled Rey to see it as exactly that, screwed up, instead of bwahahaha evulz!!! What Rey couldn't forgive was hating a parent who was decent and loving and there for you. Once she understood that wasn't the case, it made a big difference to her.

5. Rey's Parentage

It's not that I'm against the concept of the Hero Coming From Nothing. That's a great concept. It was great when it was Anakin, and Finn, and Luke for the first movie-and-a-half. But we don't exactly need it with Rey—like I said, Finn is right there—and more importantly, I just don't buy it with Rey. Not after the way the question was built up in TFA, and not after the way Kylo Ren reacted to the news of a girl from Jakku getting involved in events. I would swear on a Bible he knew instantly who she was, and it wasn't "random daughter of junk traders."

But you know what, I'm not fixing this one, because I'm not convinced it needs fixing yet. Who, after all, are our sources for this revelation that Rey's parents were nobodies? (1) Rey's Force vision, which could easily be drawing on her own subsconscious fears, paired with the legit truth that her parents didn't raise her, so they really don't matter in terms of the person she is. (2) Kylo's Force vision, WHICH WAS FED TO HIM BY SNOKE. Snoke outright says that, and he could be lying, but Rey's vision of Ben turning to the Light did turn out to be false, so I think it's safe to say we have reasonable doubt here.

So I think it's entirely possible Rey will still turn out to be a Skywalker or a Kenobi or a Naberrie or a Palpatine or what-the-heck-ever. And if not, then not and I won't cry about it, but I will consider it a major writing flaw.

There, all fixed, you're welcome! Hopefully they'll hire me to write the next one, right?

[lattetimes]

So How About Them New Episodes, Ammirite Ladies??

here’s what i thought of the new episodes via live reactions as i watching them!

overall, it was kinda underwhelming but there were parts that i really did like! and if you liked these episodes, that’s awesome!

MAYOR DEWEY WINS

was this title a reference to the movie/book John Dies at the End, cause if so then i’m shocked i caught that

apparently it is, would you look at that. btw i kinda liked the movie.

damn, Sadie took this hard. and Steven never told Lars’ parents. so i guess Sadie has to do that herself.

why tf does Steven care if Dewey wins?!

OH, IT’S BECAUSE HE DON’T WANT SHIT TO CHANGE AND HE THINKS HAVING A NEW MAYOR WOULD BE BAD WTF DEWEY DOES NOTHING

ok wow, there’s only 24 people in Beach City and he never noticed that Lars was gone!?

“is that why the donut shop was closed?”

“we’ll hire a new donut boy!” DEWEY. DUDE. ARE YOU FOR REAL?!

“high school mayor” lmao

how did he run unopposed for 10 years!?

LARS’ MOM KEEPS A SHITTON OF TOMATOES IN HER PURSE SHE READY TO THROW DOWN ALL THE TIME

i don’t like that Steven is so adamant on Dewey winning.

jesus, Steven, let Nanefua win. she’s obviously the better person for the job

“i’m done pointing my finger at you, and now i direct all my fingers on both my hands to the citizens” top 10 anime deaths

NANEFUA WINS, OH MY GOD YES

STEVEN, DUDE, REALLY?! LEAVE CONNIE ALONE!

“i don’t know what you’re talking about, but i need to get a new job” 2018 mood tbh

episode rating: 2 tomatoes out of 5. i can’t stand Steven in this episode at all. but hey, NANEFUA WON!!!!!!

RAISING THE BARN

....was Lapis’ main concern that Steven dropped his phone on Homeworld? not the fact that he was... idk... ON HOMEWORLD?!

ok Lapis is ready to bail immediately and tbh i dont blame her

did she just uproot the entire bard wtf?! 

BARN THE DIAMONDS, BARN THE DIAMONDS, BARN THE DIAMONDS!

episode rating: 1.5 barns out of 5. BARN THE DIAMONDS, BARN THE DIAMONDS, BARN THE DIAMONDS!

GEMCATION

^ mfw Amethyst basically spat an egg out her mouth (it was kinda gross)

well. Greg got some kinda house.... still don’t get why the crew is so against having Greg get a house

also, where’s Peridot?

“remove all shoes before entering” Pearl fucking THROWS A RANDOM ASS PAIR OF SHOES

OKAY PEARL SCREAMING “PARTY GUY, NO!” WAS ACTUALLY KINDA FUNNY

S H O W M E P A R T Y G U Y Y O U C O W A R D S

“Steven, you should join me. become a raisin” ok Garnet

did. did Steven completely cut Garnet off as she was talking about Pink Diamond and the Gem War with the whole, “yeah, yeah, i get it, Mom. i already heard this story” kinda thing? B R U H that ain’t okay

AND GARNET JUST SHUTS UP AND WAS LIKE “good, you understand”

PEARL WAS GONNA STRAIGHT UP ADMIT TO SOME HUGE THING AFTER HER “THERE ARE THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO EXPLAIN” LINE AND HE CUTS HER OFF WITH “CONNIE HATES ME”

WHY COULDN’T STEVEN AT LEAST TELL THESE FOUR THAT HE WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT CONNIE HATING HIM?!

I’M KINDA GETTING SICK OF SEEING STEVEN MOPE LIKE THIS FOR 3 EPISODES STRAIGHT AND I HOPE HE DOESN’T KEEP THIS UP FOR THE NEXT 2

OH NO, PLEASE DISREGARD ALL OF THE MESSED UP THINGS YOU SAW ON HOMEWORLD CAUSE CONNIE IS (rightfully) UPSET WITH YOU. LARS D I E D.

GUITAR DAD SAVES THE DAY

i love Greg Universe

how would you not notice if you aren’t getting any service on your phone? your phone tells you when you’re getting service or not

bruh you almost made your dad drive off a cliff for you to get phone service

Greg Universe is a ride or die kinda guy

this ending shot is cute, i’ll give you that. 

episode rating: 2 party guys out of 5. Party Guy should’ve bitten Steven’s phone and his shit attitude. also PEARL WTF ARE YOU TELL US ALREADY

BACK TO THE KINDERGARTEN

Connie i miss you

“of the three things i have to do in the sink now, this is the one i least mind you seeing” B R U H

 Peridot listens to country music, this is disgusting

HOLY SHIT AMETHYST IS TOSSIN’ PERIDOT AROUND LIKE SHE WEIGHS NOTHING AND I’M CRACKING UP

“can i bring my music?” “NO.” damn Amethyst you already threw Peri around like she ain’t nothin’, let her bring her music if it’ll help her

aaaay, they’re in the train again!

dang, Peri really loved the barn.

i kinda like that Amethyst is going around trying to figure out which member of the Famethyst came out of which part of the Kindergarten. kinda cute. 

so everything is seriously determined by the nutrition, right down to the style of a Gem’s hair? ...huh. iron deposits determine hair styles.

damn, Peri went with a sucker punch to the gut with her little speech about how Kindergartens kill off life and are just “lifeless husks” once all the Gems are done being formed. and Amethyst feels awful about it, dang.

ok. there’s a flower growin’ in the Kindergarten, and that should technically be impossible due to all of the nutrients in this one area being used up. this could be interesting.

ok, so now the trio is gonna farm & see what happens. ok, ok, i can roll with this i guess.

FARMING MONTAGE

look at them flowers

they proud

don’t make Peri live here

why the flamingo thingy taller than both of them

gods i didn’t need to see Steven happily showering

they’re talking about how the flowers are probs gonna look beautiful i bet they all died, they’re too positive about this. $5 them flowers are dead.

them flowers are dead,

...now they’re arguing, cause Peri blew up on them. alright. this ain’t good.

aaaaaaaaaaaand Peri crushed the original flower that grew here. both Steven & Amethyst made pained whimpers. ok. this ain’t good.

oh it’s a Gem creature- haven’t seen one of those in a while!

IT ATE PERIDOT HOLY FUCK

SMOKEY QUARTZ IS BACK

ngl i like Smokey’s theme music

btw there’s no dialogue from Smokey, just a quick 2 second thing

Peri doesn’t reform with a star on her

ok, that was kinda cute. and having a technician that also likes gardening is cute too

episode rating: 3.5 dead sunflowers outta 5. it was an okay episode & i did like it. 

SADIE KILLER

heh, i get it. cause lady killer.

oh god, that looks bad

WHY IS THAT MOP SO BIG

instead of reading off a long-ass list to the overly worked employee, just hand Sadie the list so she won’t fuck up?

“and a coffee. hold the coffee.” same tbh

oh. he’s in a band with the Cool Kids. WE GET TO SEE THE COOL KIDS!

“...i hope he [Lars] is safe and all, but working all these shifts by myself has been a huge drag” GIRL, LARS DIED IN SPACE AND IS STILL THERE

Steven stealing all the napkins is something i’d do tbh

man, i love the Cool Kids

is my girl Jenny rockin’ the bass? aaaaaaaaaaay!

Sour Cream, what the HECK IS RAP-A-BILLY?

“Doo-doo. Butt. The government corrupts” Buck is the voice of this generation

welcome to EB Games

they... they admitted to following her home from work....

“doo-doo. i think i broke your bed” Buck wtf

also, i guess them watching all of Sadie’s horror movies gave them inspiration to do that weird donut-brain-eating song. weird.

“we are the working dead, and we lurch for minimum wage” same Sadie

......ok, she’s freaking everyone out. and they look uncomfortable. Sadie, seriously stop. they’re concerned.

...she. put lipstick on her eyes.

see, if she wasn’t freakin’ everyone out with this, i’d say this song is a bop. 

ok they’re fine now & thought it was lit ok cool cool cool. i ain’t a big fan of the lyrics tbh, but i do like the song.

 “aww, doo-doo”

ok so Steven’s askin’ for advice on how to write horror-themed songs from Sadie. how about LARS DIED ON HOMEWORLD

SADIE’S ADVICE IS:

LOSE YOUR LIFE TO A BORING JOB

LOSE THE ONE PERSON YOU WERE CLOSE TO

LOSE YOUR MIND WORKIN A TON OF SHIFTS

GIRL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

Steven puttin’ Sadie on blast, good lord he just sang an accidental roast tryin’ to sing shit like she does

HE STOLE ALL THE NAPKINS AGAIN

“you can’t help being cute no more than i can help being cool” Buck, you’re a blessing

“yoooooo, what if this is all a dream?” Buck, wtf?

oh. Sadie’s goin’ with them. okay. 

OH. SHE QUIT HER JOB. UM. OKAY?

episode rating: 3 funky riffs out of 5. Buck Dewey is great.

KEVIN PARTY

I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH THIS EPISODE, BUT IMMA DO IT ANYWAY

DIDN’T EVEN START THE EPISODE AND I STILL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE

let’s just get this over with...

why’d Steven wait this long to track down Lion?!

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, here he is......

gods, i still hate him

stop being gross to kids, leave Steven and Connie alone ya freak

at least he knows they use they/them pronouns. 

how did he find out where Connie is? doesn’t she live far away from Beach City? did he track down these two kids just to “invite” Stevonnie?!

“no one turns down an invitation to a Kevin party” i sure as fuck would

lmao Kevin has an old phone

“your name’s Steven? weird, i thought your name was Clarence” OI, DON’T INSULT CLARENCE LIKE THAT

rude, Steven brought snacks and ya just toss ‘em into the void?

ok. he’s creepily obsessed with Stevonnie cause apparently they make parties and shit like that hella fun. um. stop? being obsessed with kids??

WTF WHY IS LION AT THE PARTY

Connie actually showed up. and had Lion the entire time. that’s. super fucked up. Lion is the ONLY way to get to Lars directly!

and also, there’s TWO KIDS AT A PARTY WITH OLDER PEOPLE?! NO ONE BUT DERRICK QUESTIONS THIS?

Kevin’s gonna try to get them to talk to each other... so they can form Stevonnie... so his party won’t suck...

also, he keeps calling them 7-year-olds........ siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh, ok Kevin.

KEVIN YOU IDIOT LET THEM TALK TO EACH OTHER SO HE CAN SAY SORRY DON’T GIVE HIM YOUR “COOL GUY” BULLSHIT

“i need those old people to whisper my name when they die” tbh goals

“who’s Sabina?” Kevin got all red in the face and almost lost his cool

so Kevin’s gonna try to make Steven look like he’s moved on from Connie or some shit. this won’t end well.

NO, NOT DERRICK’S JACKET

now we get a montage of 2 kids being uncomfortable surrounded by older people at a party they should’t be at, ok.

at least Connie looks cute. and she got a haircut! so cute!

NOT CUTE NOT CUTE NOT CUTE

GOD, I HATE KEVIN

Steven, what are you doing?

STEVEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ok, quick recap cause i didn’t mention this: Kevin thought Steven & Connie were dating, so, Connie only went to the party to see if Steven’s okay and if they could talk. Steven decided to follow Kevin’s advice for some reason, and Connie thinks Steve’s new BFF is Kevin, and Kevin has no concept of what friends are.

so. Connie didn’t text Steven cause she preferred talking face to face about this, and that texting him wasn’t good enough to work out these issues. very fair point. still don’t get why you legit stole Lion from him, but the not texting back thing makes complete sense.

ok, she rode Lion to his house while Steven, Greg & the Gems were away (the episode Gemcation). and that’s when she bumped into Kevin and got the invite. ok. now Kevin is slightly less creepy, but still disgusting nonetheless.

oh, yay! they’re talking it out! and Steven isn’t disregarding Connie’s anger!

yay! they’re friends again!

don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie, don’t form Stevonnie.

LMAO GET FUCKED, KEVIN, THEY AIN’T FORMIN’ STEVONNIE

episode rating: 1 Lion out of 5. least fave episode, tbh. but hey, we got Connie back!

[ask-the-phan-site]

Big Phantom 12 (actually 11 at the moment)

DISCLAIMER: We apologize for some of the sprites. Since the ones for Persona 5 Scramble are currently unavailable.

>San Fransokyo. We came here to take the heart of someone who’s been bothering the other admin. This city truly makes us feel like we’re in the future, even though it’s the same year as us. This place is a true mixture of American and Japanese culture. An almost mark of beauty as Fox said. Yes, it’s almost an absolute wonder for all of us just to be here... Well, almost all of us.

I wish Ryuji could have come with us. He would have loved a place like this.

It couldn’t be helped. The manager at D-4 Productions called him and the rest of KUROFUNE to come over. I wish I knew why.

I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough. Right now, let’s focus on why we’re here.

Right. We’re looking for... Am I correct? Richardson Mole?

I know. What a lame name.

But it seems to fit. From what I’m told, almost everyone in the Mole Family has a mole under their eye.

Yeah. Lady Lavenza showed me the pictures. Not the best looking family, but very wealthy.

Okay, we have our target. Where can we find him?

Joker: The other admin said that Richardson owns a comic book store, even though he’s only 11. I have the address.

>After sometime, we found where we were looking for.

Well, this is it. Richardson’s Rare Comics.

Nav: Candidate found.

Wolf: Wow. Find his Palace was easy. Something tells me this heist won’t take very long.

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We still need to know what his Palace is.

Mona: That’s right. We need to gather information.

Oracle: I could hack into the city’s database. But I think it wouldn’t hurt to hear it from the horse's mouth since he’s basically inside.

Queen: Can we do that?

Well, no one in this city has even heard of the Phantom Thieves. So I’m sure it’s safe to enter the lion’s den.

Violet: And it looks like there’s already a customer inside, so I doubt there’ll be any trouble.

Queen: But just to be sure, only a few of us should go in to avoid causing any suspicion.

Oracle: I agree. As Ryuji would say...

Go get ‘em, Miss Older Dude Charmer.

Not on your life!

Mona: I won’t allow it! Besides, he’s not that old. He’s like seven years younger than her.

Noir: I can go in. Since we’re both from wealthy families, I think I can talk to him.

Oracle: Fine. I’ll go in. But only because I’m curious about what comic books are like in this world.

Fox: I’m curious myself.

Joker: So am I. That “Kentucky Kaiju” one’s caught my eye.

Queen: Okay, the rest of us will be waiting down the street. Someplace called... Noodle Burger.

Joker: Right. We’ll see you all later.

>With that, the others left and me, Fox, Oracle, and Noir go inside. In the shop, we find our target having a small argument with a customer.

C’mon, Richardson, I’m offering my best cards here. You’ve gotta let me have that comic. I’ve been waiting like my whole life.

Sorry, but Boss Awesome was so last season. Now if you have any cards of Big Hero 6, I may think about it.

Comic Fan: (disappointed) That’s not fair. They haven’t made those yet.

Richardson Mole: (with a wicked smirk) That’s too bad. (takes out a comic and waves it in the customer’s face) But I suppose you can just work for it. How about for a week? Or two?

Comic Fan: Fine. If that’s what it takes.

Richardson Mole: Very good, Fred. I knew you would see it my way. So in the meantime, (begins using the comic as a napkin) I’ll hold on to this.

I think that’s quite enough!

Richardson Mole: (a little surprised) Come again?

Noir: I know you’re just trying to run a business, but this is an inappropriate way to treat your customers.

Joker: I agree, this is a little too much.

Fred: (a little confused) I take it you guys are new here.

Joker: Yes, we just arrived today.

Richardson Mole: Then you probably don’t know about our friendly rivalry. Something that’s been going on between our families for years.

Joker: I actually heard of such a thing.

Richardson Mole: (putting the comic down) Then you know better than to get between us. It’s still a fair trade. If he wants this comic so much, he has to be willing to suffer for it.

>Richardson Mole was about to show us the comic again... However, Fox took it when he wasn’t looking and was thumbing through it.

Richardson Mole: (upset) Hey, you gotta pay for that!

You call this rag a comic book?

Richardson Mole: (surprised) I beg your pardon?

Fox: The pictures are shoddy at best, the storyline is corny, I guess you did this yourself instead of using that fortune of yours to hire someone. I may not know much about the comics of this wo- this city, but all I see is a fake here.

Oracle: (also taking a closer look) No doubt. The main hero even looks like you. And the villain looks suspiciously like your customer here.

Fred: (a little surprised) Really?

>I also take a closer look with my Third Eye. Fox is right. This comic book is a fake. Fred takes the comic and reads it.

Fred: (a little angry) Hey, they’re right! What the heck is your game here, Mole!?

Richardson Mole: Tch! Can I help it that you make it so easy?

Fred: I have always respected our rivalry with the highest honor a Fredrickson could give. But selling me a fake comic book to make me your slave? ... That’s crossing the line!

Richardson Mole: C’mon, it was just this one time.

Fred: It doesn’t matter. You have violated every geek rule in the code. That is unforgivable. Consider this my final visit here.

>With that, Fred storms out of the store.

Richardson Mole: (pipping mad) YOU JUST COST ME MY FAVORITE CUSTOMER!

Noir: It didn’t seem like you were treating him like your favorite customer.

Oracle: More like your favorite plaything.

Richardson Mole: You don’t understand anything. This comic shop was neutral territory. Our vault from the outside world. Our temple in a desert of the unenlightened... It is my tomb full of treasure and he’s the plunderer. I am merely setting the traps to protect those treasures.

Your tomb you say? Interesting.

Richardson Mole: What did you say? Never mind. You just obstructed business for me.

What business is that? Being a sadistic little troll?

>Richardson Mole, now looking like he’s ready to pop a vain, takes the comic, roles it up, and swats at us.

Richardson Mole: GET OUTTA MY STORE BEFORE I CALL THE COPS!

>With that, we hustle out of there as Richardson Mole closes the door behinds us, locks it, and puts up the “Closed” sign.

Oracle: What a jerk. No wonder the other admin wants us to go after him.

Noir: I can’t believe someone like that could be so spoiled. Even I’m not this bad.

Oracle: That’s because you knew that everything your father did was bad and you just wanted him to stop.

Noir: I know. I just can’t stand someone like that. It’s like talking to my former fiance.

Or even my father.

But that’s why we’re here. To change all of that.

Oracle: Exactly.

Noir: I guess. Thank you.

Oracle: We got what came for. All we have to do now is meet up with the others at Noodle Burger.

Fox: I wonder if they ordered anything for us. I’m curious about the food in this world.

Joker: What about the curry I gave you this morning?

Fox: It never hurts to see what other foods are there. Besides...

I doubt it’ll hold a candle to your cooking.

Joker: You better remember that.

>We both smile happily as we get closer. Then, the four of us leave... None of us noticed Fred nearby who heard us.

Fred: Change what? Other admin? What are those guys up to?

>The Noodle Burger Restaurant. The others were waiting for us. I could see that Mona, Panther, and Wolf were all staring at the patrons’ foods.

Panther: Those actually do look so good.

Wolf: I know. That Hamburger-flavored Noodle Cup is kind of mouth-watering.

Mona: I think there’s even some fish in it.

Crow: It’s just a shame Ryuji isn’t here. He’d love to see this. (takes a picture with his phone)

Queen: I have to admit, it looks irresistible. I wish I could have asked Lavenza chan if she could exchange our money for the currency they use here.

Joker: I’ll be sure to talk to her about it later.

Mona: So, have you guys got the keyword?

Oracle: I think we have. (opens up the Nav) Richardson Mole, Richardson’s Rare Comic, and tomb.

Nav: Results found. Updating guidance system.

Crow: We’re in.

Panther: Now we just have to return to the shop, go into his Palace, and that’s it.

Noir: It’s going to be tough to get close, though, He just closed the shop. Mainly because of us.

Wolf: What did you kids do?

>We explained what happened.

Wolf: Counterfeit comics?

Noir: Only to Fred.

Wolf: Either way, that kid could end up in juvy for that. Even if he is his rival.

Queen: But there’s no way to prove it. There’s only one of that fake comic.

Fox: That’s correct. All the other comics and other things are pretty legitimate.

Wolf: So, we’ll be changing his heart anyway. I guess there’s no other way.

Sophia: I just checked the city’s security camera. Richardson Mole has just left the shop for the night. We can go there now if you’re ready.

Joker: We should and see what we can find.

Violet: Then let’s go.

Panther: Hold on. I think we’re missing someone and I’m talking about Ryuji.

>No doubt about it, Mona was nowhere in sight. Suddenly, we hear a commotion coming from the outdoor area of the restaurant.

Upset Costumer: Yo, Noodle Dude! Some cat ran off with my fries. I could use some more here.

>Then, we see something come up to us. It was Mona in his cat form with a basket of fries.

Wolf: Was that really necessary?

Sorry. I guess it was a dumb idea to choose a restaurant of an unknown world as our meeting place.

>Mona changes back to human form.

Mona: Anyone wants some? There’s plenty.

>We all politely refuse and make our way to the shop... Fred was secretly recording us with his phone, a piece of Noodle Burger hanging from his mouth from what he just saw.

Fred: (now freaking out) Holy mother of Megazon! I’ve gotta show this to the others.

>Later at the comic shop as night quickly approaches, we were now standing in front of it.

Joker: Is everyone set?

Fox: Ready as we’ll ever be.

>I take out my phone ready to take us in... Not too far from us, Fred and his friends were watching us from behind a large trash bin... Except for the big white robot who pretty much failed at it.

This better not be another prank, Fred. We’ve been over this. Plus, I’m missing some serious summer vacation time bird-watching.

And I have a tennis camp I volunteered for. I made a commitment.

I’m still trying to figure out why me and Wasabi keeping having these weird dreams we’ve been having for some time.

Every night, they keep getting more vivid and intense. Almost like I’m actually there... And that song. It’s even starting to have words... I caught your name in a conversation.

Go Go: Really? You have to start that?

Wasabi has what is known as an earworm, sometimes known as a brainworm, sticky music, stuck song syndrome, or Involuntary Musical Imagery (IMI for short). The best way to deal with an earworm is to engage in moderately difficult mental tasks such as anagrams, Sudoku puzzles, or reading novels. Another method is to simply listen to another catchy song.

Wasabi: I tried that. None of them work. It’s like... Like the people I become in the dreams want me to remember it.

Hiro: And I guess after seeing that video you showed us... Something about that and those people seem... Familiar.

Wasabi: Especially that princely-looking guy in the sweater vest.

Honey: That is kind of hard to ignore.

Fred: (happy) See? I knew you guys would be interested.

Go Go: I have to admit it, you have something. Though, I still can’t buy the whole cat turning into a person thing.

Baymax: Perhaps if I scan him, I might be able to further explain it.

>Baymax tries to go over to us.

Hiro: Baymax, wait!

What!?

Nav: Beginning navigation.

>The familiar red wave passes over us. Then, the city was replaced by a vast desert under a hot sun.

Wolf: (already sweating) Yikes, that’s hot! If knew something like this was going to happen, I wouldn’t be wearing a dark suit.

Mona: Or a sweater.

Crow: Or even a sweater vest.

You think you have it tough?

What? You’re already in your thieves outfits?

>Indeed. Me, Fox, Oracle, and Noir were already in our thief clothes.

Well we did cause quite the scene earlier. I guess he already sees us as a threat.

Wolf: Right now, I think we have bigger problems.

>No doubt about it. We saw that Fred and his friends had followed us into the Metaverse.

This cannot be good.

Hiro: (surprised) What in the world is this?

Violet: Somebody, do something.

Panther: Umm. You’re sleeping. You’re dreaming all of this and you’re about to go back to where you came from.

Baymax: My scans indicate that everyone is wide awake.

Well, it was worth a try.

Honey: (trying to sound reassuring) But at least it was a good fake explanation.

Go Go: Now, explain.

Joker: I guess we have no choice.

Hiro: Pretty much.

But we should at least get out of this heat first.

Baymax: She is right. This heat is at near 98 degrees Fahrenheit. I advise we find some shade to protect ourselves.

Oracle: I think I may have found it. Look.

>Oracle pointed to something in the distance. It looked like some buildings along side a canyon with some hills and mountains.

Sophie: Do you think that’s Richardson’s Palace?

Mona: Only one way to find out.

>Mona becomes our van.

Panther: Hey, this won’t be like last time, right?

You needn’t worry, Lady Ann. I’ve practicing with Fox’s help.

Fox: All he has to do is think really cool thoughts.

Violet: How does that work?

Simple. Just think of Goemon.

Violet: (confused) I guess that makes sense.

Queen: It’s going to be a tight squeeze, though.

Baymax: I will deflate so it may be more easier for all of us to get in.

>After Baymax deflates a little, we all get in Mona and drive off to the Palace. Along the way, we explain to our new friends about why we’re here.

Fred: (excited) Classic! Heroes who take the hearts of the wicked and make them repent for their actions. They do it from the shadows where they never see it coming. I love it!

Crow: We’re not heroes per se, we’re thieves. Everything we do could still be consider wrong in the eyes of some, but we do it anyway.

Fred: Uh, that’s pretty much what I just said.

Honey: Not really.

Queen: Panther, didn’t you bring some water with us?

Panther: I did. I brought in case we have to go through something like this again.

>Panther reaches into her bag... But all the bottled water was gone.

Panther: (confused) Huh? Where did...

>Then, we heard gulping sounds... It was Wasabi guzzling the last of the bottled water.

Go Go: Wasabi, that wasn’t ours!

Wasabi: ... Oops. But for the record, I’m not about to die of dehydration in a strange world we know nothing about... Right?

>Panther pulls a lever and her seat fall back those behind her, Queen, and Go Go. That consists of me, Fox, Wasabi, and Fred.

Panther: Idiots!

Violet: Can’t say he didn’t have that coming.

Fred: But did we have to suffer with him? Ow!

Baymax: On of 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain?

Wasabi: (messaging his legs) I think I’m the most in pain.

Look alive, people, we’re almost there!

>I look out. We were finally close to the Palace. When we arrive, Mona resumes his human form.

(Insert song: The Days When My Mother Was There other ver.)

>Up close, the Palace looked like a grand Egyptian tomb.

Oracle: (surprised) Wow! I know my Palace was a tomb. But this looks more like the Valley of the Kings.

Fred: (unimpressed) Tch! Typical Richardson. Only he would like something this grand.

Go Go: (a bit disgusted) No joke.

Hiro: So this is the world inside Richardson Mole’s heart? I gotta say, it’s nothing like we’ve ever seen... And I thought a guy from another world with a talking duck and and talking dog was weird.

Crow: That reminds me, aren’t you suppose to have two of those medical robots? What happened to the other one?

Hiro: It’s a long story.

Baymax: I still fail to see how we are in Richardson Mole’s heart. The human heart is very small. How could we all fit inside an organ? And how does one steal a heart? The human body cannot survive without one.

Oracle: It’s a different kind of heart, Baymax. Note to self: Remind Hiro to make a chip for cognitive psience.

Hiro: Right. I’ll be sure to remember that.

Wasabi: (starting to sweat a little) Do you think we can hurry up? I already worked up a sweat in yoga.

Panther: (unhappy) Said the guy who drank the whole water. Speaking of which, Mona, I thought you worked on the AC.

Mona: I guess I still have a long way to go.

Oracle: Then let’s head inside.

Wasabi: (nervous) Hold on, that’s a tomb! A TOMB!

Oracle: Relax, I don’t think the Shadows are going to attack right away. Just stick close to us and it should be fine.

Wasabi: Hope you’re right.

>We go inside the tomb.

(Insert song: The Days When My Mother Was There)

>Inside the tomb was a bit like Oracle’s Palace, but a bit more different. Instead of being cyber themed, it looked a bit like a cross between an arcade and a comic book shop.

Joker: Oracle, any enemies?

Oracle: There are, but they’re a little far off, so don’t worry. Let’s just look around and see what we can find.

>We all look around. It doesn’t seem we can find anything. The comics all depicted the same thing: Richardson Mole making Fred look like a fool. The same thing with the arcade games.

Wolf: This kid’s really got it in for you.

Fred: It’s a friendly rivalry.

Crow: Well you ‘friendly’ rivalry is making a friend of our really unhappy. Just because he agrees with you, Richardson is hounding him all over the Internet. Changing his heart is the only way to make him stop.

Fred: Still, I’m not too sure about this. As awesome as it is to know this kinda stuff is possible, I don’t think targeting Richardson would be good for either of us.

He tried to sell you a fake comic book in exchange for unnecessary servitude. Who does that?

Fred: ... Fair point.

?????? ?????????: Who’s dissuading my customers again?

Everyone: !

>Suddenly, someone comes from behind some large curtains at the top of some large stairs. It was Richardson Mole, however, he was different. He was dressed like an Egyptian priest who was shirtless and wearing an Eye of Horus amulet. And also, his eyes were gold-colored.

Fred: Richardson!? How did you get here?

Noir: He’s not really here. This must be his Shadow. The ruler of this Palace.

Hiro: His Shadow?

Mona: The part of Richardson that he denies having. He rules this place and guards the Treasure at its core.

Shadow Richardson: So, you’ve decided to come and serve me after all, Fred.

Fred: I don’t think so. Seeing you like this, I’m a little terrified.

Shadow Richardson: Well that’s a shame. I could have given you my more rare comics.

Fred: Really? ... No, I must stay strong.

Shadow Richardson: (angry) And you! (pointing at me, Fox, Oracle, and Noir) You owe me a servant! Oh well, I guess you will have to do... Along with her. (making a provocative gesture towards Go Go)

Go Go: (angry) In your dreams, you little twerp!

Shadow Richardson: I don’t think you have a choice. This is my world. You have to obey... Or, I could just have my friends here deal with you.

>Shadow Richardson snaps his fingers and a couple of Shadows that looked like Egyptian guards appear.

Hiro: (surprised) Whoa! I did not see that coming.

>Then, the rest of the Phantom Thieves changed into their other clothes.

I guess he sees us as threats now.

Guess we knew this was coming.

Hiro: If only we could contact the Skymaxes, we could get our gear and we’d take these guys.

I think I can help with that.

>Panther snaps her fingers and, in a puff of red smoke, Big Hero 6 was now geared up.

Dios mío! And I thought Donald’s magic was impressive.

Panther: I should really thank Stella for teaching me that one. Fair warning, though, this gear I crated from your own cognition. So it won’t be as effective as the real thing.

Well it sure feels a little real.

That shows you how impressive Panther is.

Shadow Richardson: (scoffing) Impressive you say? Can you top these two?

>The two Shadows change their shape.

Queen: I don’t think Oracle needs to summon her Persona just yet. These enemies are weak to Wind.

Mona: I guess that’s my cue.

Panther: I’ll help, too. I’ll burn them and you can increase the damage.

Fox: I will fight as well. I still wish to punish him for trying to pass off such ugly filth as art.

Mona, Panther, and Fox: Persona!

>I change Personas.

Joker: Persona!

Okay, that’s a little impressive. But can they really fight?

Mona: Just wait and see. Zorro, show your might!

>Zorro uses Magarula. Both Nagas are knocked down.

Awesome! You took 'em down in one blow! Literally! And being weak to certain elements? Sounds like something out of an RPG.

Mona: Quiver in fear!

>After the attack, the two Nagas were still up. Carmen uses Matarunda. Goemon uses Masukukaja. I already equipped Rakshasa with Matarukaja with a Skill Card.

Oracle: Persona!

Oracle: This one! Defense up!

>Necronomicon uses Marakukaja. Naga 1 also uses Marakukaja. Naga 2 uses Zionga on Mona. Fortunately, he dodges it. Zorro uses Magarula. Both Nagas were knocked down. We don’t do an All-Out-Attack this time. Mona then attacks them both with his slingshot. Carmen uses Agilao on Naga 2. He gets Burned. Goemon uses Bufula on Naga 1. He becomes Frozen. Rakshasa uses Giant Slice on the Frozen Naga. It shatters him. Naga 1 gets back up and uses Zionga on Mona. He is knocked down. Then, Naga 1 uses Giant Slice on Panther. Fortunately, she dodges it. Naga 2 uses Giant Slice on me. It was a critical hit. Naga 2 simply attacks me again. The Burn eats away at his health. Mona gets back up and Zorro uses Magarula. Naga 1 dodges it, but Naga 2 is knocked down along with a technical hit. Mona passes the baton to Fox and Goemon uses Tempest Slash on the remaining Naga. Panther attacks with her machine gun. She lands a critical hit on the remaining Naga. Then, Carmen uses Concentrate. Goemon uses Vicious Strike. I get back up and Rakshasa uses Mind Slice. No Confusion. Naga 1 gets back up. He hesitates. Naga 2 gets back up and uses Zionga on me. I’m Shocked. The Burn eats away at his health. Zorro uses Salvation. Carmen uses Lullaby. Both Nagas fall Asleep. Goemon uses Vicious Strike again. It was a technical hit that woke them up. Rakshasa uses Girant Slice on Naga 1. He is now weaker. Naga 1 uses Marakukaja. Naga 2 tries to attack Fox, but Goemon uses Counter. The Burn eats away at his health still. Zorro uses Magarula. Both Nagas are knocked down.

Mona: Time for some bloodshed!

>After the attack, Naga 1 was gone as Naga 2 is still up. Carmen uses Tarunda. Goemon uses Masukukaja. Rakshasa uses Matarukaja. The remaining Naga tries to use Zionga on Mona, but he dodges it. Zorro uses Garula. The Naga is knocked down. We don’t do an All-out-Attack this time. Mona passes the baton to Panther and Carmen uses Concentrate. Then, she uses Agidyne. The Naga is now weaker and is Burned. Goemon uses Tempest Slash. Rakshasa uses Giant Slice. The Naga uses Zionga on Mona. He is knocked down. The Naga then attacks me. Mona gets back up and Zorro uses Garula. The Naga is knocked down along with a technical hit.

Mona: Too late for apologies!

Mona: Game! Over!

>The battle was over.

Shadow Richardson: (agitated) Good help is so hard to find these days. Guards!

>A few more Shadows appeared.

Looks like it’s time for the night to begin to shine.

Yeah, we have our minds made up.

>...

Wasabi: (a bit spooked) How did I know to say that?

I cannot say. This is not in my database. But I can say that we do not have enough strength to continue fighting. I suggest that we leave at once.

He’s right. We can’t stay. Let’s move.

>With that, we leave the Palace.

Shadow Richardson: Go ahead, run. I come from one of the most powerful families in San Fransokyo. You won’t take my Treasure. I’ll see to that. You can never defeat someone close to a god!

>The Frederickson Candy Company. On the outside, it looks just like any abandoned factory... But when you take a closer look inside...

Welcome back, Big Hero 6.

Hiro: Hey, Basemax. We have guests.

Basemax: I am scanning them now... Scan complete. Recognizing guests.

Nice optics. Do they do retinal scans, too?

Hiro: (a little proud) You bet. Basemax was made by the guy who designed this place. But it also helped that I improved it a bit with parts just lying around our school.

Wolf: That must be one heck of a school.

Hiro: Of course. SFIT. San Fransokyo Institute of Technology. It’s only the best nerd school ever.

In your world, perhaps. But in ours, I think you’ll find that the best nerd school ever is Horizon High.

Hiro: (laughing) I think you’re high.

>We all laugh.

Fred: By the way, what’s Horizon High?

Queen: It’s one of the major science schools in our world. Some of our friends are graduating from there soon. They would have done it sooner, but the school just had a change of directors.

Crow: Not to mention the alien invasion the shook New York where the school is.

Fred: (excited) Really!? An alien invasion!?

Baymax: And the virus.

Wasabi: (a little worried) What virus?

Queen: We’ll tell you later after we have rested.

Crow: Speaking of our world, I should check up on Ryuji. Do you mind if I went outside for a bit?

Go Go: Go ahead. I doubt anyone is watching this place.

Fred: (acting suspicious) You never know.

>With that, Crow leaves.

Basemax: Guest rooms are now complete.

Hiro: Thanks, Basemax.

Go Go: Since when did we have guest rooms?

Hiro: Since now. I added a few more upgrades to Basemax... Don’t tell Roddy though.

Wolf: (confused) Roddy?

Fred: He’s the guy who designed our lair. That reminds me. Basemax, any messages?

Basemax: You have no new messages from Roddy Blair, King of Lairs.

Fred: (a little worried) Dang! I knew I shouldn’t have let him borrow Mini-Max. Who knows what he’s doing to him.

Honey: I’m sure he’s fine, Fred.

Go Go: You could just try calling him.

Fred: Naw, I don’t want to sound too desperate.

Wasabi: I’m not sure that’s how it works.

>As the others left to get more acquainted, me and Hiro stayed in the Conference Room.

Hiro: All this just for one kid. You know, there are bigger fish here to go after.

Joker: Like your boss?

Hiro: True. Alistair Krei is the difficult type of guy, but he has his good points, too.

Joker: Yeah, I heard. Though, the truth is, aside from Richardson and Krei, there was one other target here in this city.

Hiro: (curious) Really? Who?

Well... You.

Hiro: (shocked) Me?

Joker: A friend of ours said he had a problem with you. And Wasabi.

Hiro: You mean... The other Hiro? Me and Wasabi have been dreaming about him. And the other Big Hero 6.

Joker: Yeah. He and the other Wasabi have been dreaming about you guys as well. He said you were in trouble. Some guy called Chief Cruz.

Hiro: We were in trouble with him, but it’s all good now. He knows who we are and is letting us continue doing what we do.

Joker: True. But our Hiro is still not happy.

Hiro: He doesn’t like me, does he?

Joker: He thinks you’re too good.

Hiro: Why?

Joker: He told me himself. The words that echoes in his brain: “It’s what Tadashi would do. It’s what Tadashi would want. Tadashi would do the same thing. Tadashi is here. Tadashi this. Tadashi that. Tadashi. Tadashi. Tadashi.”

He says it’s driving him bonkers over the fact that a version of him is letting his dead brother take over his life.

Hiro: (appalled) I do not let Tadashi take over my life. I just live by his example while still doing my own thing.

Joker: That’s not how our Hiro sees it. Don’t get him wrong, though. He thinks it’s honorable that you are honoring your brother’s memory, but you take it to a level he’s not comfortable with. He has a departed loved one as well, but he doesn’t let that get in his way of living. It just proves that even though you have the same role, you two are different.

Hiro: I know. He has his reason of becoming a hero and I have mine... I just wish I could understand his reason a bit more.

Joker: I’m sure you will.

>With that, we leave to check out the guest rooms.

>Up in the old factory, Crow was talking to Skull on his phone.

Crow: I see, so that’s why they wanted you to stay.

Ya bet. I wasn’t sure at first, but I think it might be good. But I still wish I could be there with ya guys. From what you said, this Noodle Burger sounds good.

Crow: Maybe next time. We might even bring Peter, Harry, and the others here. I know they would love to meet Big Hero 6. And they also use the break after what happened in New York.

Skull: (looking a little serious) Yeah, about that. I don’t think we have to wait.

Crow: Why would you say that?

Skull: Well, they just announced it one the new just after we finished practice. Here, I’ll send it to ya the video.

>Skull sends the video news to Crow.

This is J. Jonah Jameson for DBC News. Not too long ago, the CEO of Oscorp, Harold “Harry” Osborn, aka Hobgoblin, has announced that he will travel to another version of our world. More specifically, someplace called... San Fransokyo. In the wake of the Maximum Venom Incident, the Venom invasion, which I totally blame Spider-Man for, and despite the global pandemic, some other dimensional CEO by the name of Krei decided to take advantage of the situation and have his company merge with one of the two other companies here, Stark International and Oscorp Industries. However, the owner of Stark International, Tony Stark, aka Iron Man, proved to be too much for him. So, Krei set his eyes on Oscorp. Hearing this, Osborn decided to tell him that a merger with him isn’t going to happen. However, rather than do it over communication or letting Krei come over to New York, the Osborn kid decided to go over to San Fransokyo instead.

I know it seems like a bad idea for me to go to another world that’s been untouched by the virus, but I know guys like Krei won’t just settle for a video phone call and I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to come here without thinking too much about the risk. So, I’ll have to go to him and tell him face to face... mask. (laughing a bit) A little joke. Anyway, don’t worry. I have been thoroughly tested. I’m fine and should be leaving for San Fransokyo very soon. I won’t be going alone, though. Coming with me to back me up are my boyfriend, Peter “Spider-Man” Parker...

After what happened with Venom and figuring out which college to go to after graduation, I could use the break. Plus, it would be a good opportunity to meet San Fransokyo’s superhero team that share the name of the one in Japan, and I’m not talking about the Future Avengers.

Harry: Also with us is a young inventor from Japan who claims that he has a relative in San Fransokyo. I’m not sure what he means, but we’ll allow it. His name... Hiro Takachiho. That’s who will come with me.

J. Jonah Jameson: Well there you have it, the Corporate Kid, the Wall-Crawling Menace, and some underage genius going to another version of Tokyo... Or San Francisco. Whichever works for you. Speaking of San Francisco, in our next news, the city is completely overrun with bears... who act like people. More on this later.

Oh. My...

>To be continued...

[journeysintowebcomics]

Worm Liveblog #48

UPDATE 48: The Heart of the Team

Last time Kid Win’s turn to have an interlude had arrived. He was sent to recruit a new tinker for the Wards, but he found out the new guy may have been compromised by one of the main villainous groups in Brockton Bay. Let’s continue. Which Ward will have an interlude this time?

The chapter opens with Flechette, Parian and Vista, so I suppose it’ll be Vista. Neat! I like Vista, so I think I’ll enjoy this.

Flechette is doing what she said she’d do: bring provisions to Parian, and she also still does what she said about not crossing the yellow line. This time Vista came with Flechette, using her power in a shopping bag so more stuff fit in there than normal. Water, beans, multivitamins and first aid supplies, very useful stuff. Not everyone is as lucky, though. The heroes are having a lot of trouble giving provisions to everyone who needs it.

“You’re right,” Flechette interrupted.  “We’re not doing a good job of getting supplies to everyone.  We can’t.  Any time we try to distribute it, a group like Hookwolf’s gang or the Merchants try to seize it.  Even if the heroes on duty fend them off, the citizens get scared away.”

Ah, right. Those two groups are hogging provisions and generally causing trouble. Of course people would be scared. Even if it’s someone who doesn’t have powers, a civilian could get ambushed or attacked later, because no hero is going to watch them all the time during the way back home or something like that. Anyone would be scared. Heck, desperate people don’t have to be only in those groups, other civilians can be quite desperate too. The odds someone, anyone, tries to steal the new provisions are rather high.

Flechette and Parian’s conversation is cut short when Vista hears they have to return to the headquarters, to find out what Kid Win saw. After making sure Parian knows to call them if there’s trouble brewing, they go back.

Before leaving, Parian gives Vista a stuffed rabbit. Vista’s not happy, I suppose because she considers herself too old for stuffed toys. It’s still a nice gesture, yeah. They leave, Vista using her powers to make the trip shorter. Oh boy, first time seeing her using her powers and describing how that feels!

Vista stepped out into the middle of the road at the edge of the fissure, then concentrated. She felt her power extend to every solid object in front of her, formed a map in her head.  There was nobody out there, which made it easier.  Slowly, carefully, she began adjusting.  She truncated the length of Lord street, then did it again, repeating the process to make the four lane road shorter and shorter. The fissure down the center of the road squeezed against itself like a compressed spring.

Right. Of course it all happens in a few seconds, but when she puts it like that, one would expect it to take much longer. It seems a lot of these powers are kind of instinctual, they don’t have to think about the exact information that comes from them. Their minds can organize the information immediately, so they don’t get overwhelmed – or at least that’s what I’m guessing. Flechette’s power allows her to have a grasp of the angles of a place. Spatial awareness sure is a big part of many of these powers!

“It’s not that complicated.  Everything’s like wet clay, and I’m smudging it around.”

Haha! Not the comparison I’d make, since your power isn’t permanent! I remember these wires that can be heated up to high temperatures, twisted into all kind of shapes and, when placed in cold water, returns to its original state. The world would be more akin to those wires than to clay!

‘Kinda’, Vista? That’s how you call your power? ‘Kinda powerful’? What modesty! And I have the feeling it’s genuine, maybe because she doesn’t think it’s big deal, or because she doesn’t like people saying she’s powerful. Everyone knows this is more than ‘kinda powerful’, young lady.

“You could be one of the top dogs in the Protectorate, in five or six more years.”

Vista frowned, “They said the same thing about Dauntless.”

That went to a dark place. She’s really saddened by the deaths, I knew that, but looks like that extends to other heroes too. Why else would she immediately reply with that? Because she has them in mind, I suppose. But yeah, I see her point: you never know what’ll happen. Dauntless had such a bright future ahead of him – so bright it made a certain someone be jealous of it – and theeeen came Leviathan and killed him. So much for that bright future. I came to terms many chapters ago that any character can die anytime, so yeah, Vista may not even reach the Protectorate’s lower rungs before she dies. Not that Vista regrets being a heroine, that’s for sure!

Flechette is kind of impressed at Vista’s maturity, but Vista doesn’t like that comment – wait, let me guess, it’s because she’s young and therefore dislikes when people say she’s mature for her age. Is that it?

It is. Telling them to stop being condescending doesn’t help, either. Oh boy...she’d have been so pissed off at me if I knew why I like her, haha...

The black and white pictures that show the deceased Aegis and Gallant are not a good reminder of the departed, in Vista’s opinion. It seems the Protectorate takes a photo of the Wards when they join, and now that these two died, they just printed those photos in black and white. They look rather young in those photos. Not that they, uh, were much older when they died.

He had still been so young when the tidal wave had smashed into him and caved in his chest.

Oooooh man. That made me wince. You know how much strength you need to cave a chest? I didn’t need to know the exact cause of death, Mr. Wildbow, that’s a hella unpleasant way to die.

Vista was almost eleven when she was inducted into the Wards. So young...I’m morbidly curious about what was her trigger event, because that’s an alarmingly young age. After three years of having to carry the wellbeing of a few dozens of thousands of civilians anyone would be like Vista, especially since she started at such an impressionable age. Just look at her now, thinking about how she may die and her picture will be on display there, in black and white. She has gone from ‘very mature’ to ‘worryingly mature’.

Director Piggot was already waiting when they arrived. Kid Win is quick to inform about what he found out – obtained by legal methods? Hah! It’s a good thing none of this will see the light of the day beyond this room!

We believe this unknown party is Coil.  There’s no other criminals in town that would really do this.  Fenrir’s Chosen aren’t that subtle, and they’re too racist to work with Chariot.  Purity’s group is, again, too racist.  The Undersiders aren’t well-funded enough.  It doesn’t fit the Travelers’ MO.”

Oh hey, these are more or less the conclusions I got to, although I completely forgot about the Undersiders. I don’t think the problem with them would be the funds. In my opinion, it wouldn’t fit their style either. Why to use a mole when you have Tattletale? Sure, she doesn’t actively try to find information about the Protectorate or the Wards, but I think if she wanted to, she could. There’d be no need to get an inside man.

It’s no secret Coil uses moles. There are even a few hired right now into the PRT’s forces. The thing is...does Coil know the PRT knows? Does the PRT know Coil knows the PRT knows? Does Coil know the PRT knows Coil knows the PRT knows? I have the feeling both Coil and the PRT work with the supposition Coil can find out in any moment, and that he doesn’t take the information without careful verification. Coil wouldn’t be so careless as to let false information get to him.

What Piggot wants to do is add another mole into their ranks, letting Chariot join the Wards. Oh boy, what could go wrong. Piggot better know what she’s doing. Then again, if they reject Chariot from the group, I doubt Coil would let Chariot off the hook. That kid would be as good as dead. This solution may be the only one where nobody dies in the near future. Risky moves need everyone’s authorization, though, and that’s what she’s here for, to ask all of them if they’re willing to take the risk and most likely show themselves unmasked to Chariot.

Everyone accepts, although Clockblocker does it reluctantly. Congratulations, you now have a spy infiltrated into your group! A lot of precautionary measures will be necessary from now on. That’d be much easier if the spy wasn’t a tinker, I’d say. Sooner or later that may bring trouble. But for now a plan is done, Piggot is happy, and Kid Win receives acknowledgement! All is fine for the time being.

It seems Vista’s fatalism worried Flechette a lot, because she talked to Weld and told him about that. Hm. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. We all know Weld isn’t the most diplomatic superhero to ever live. She goes to shower. Frankly, I skipped the paragraphs related to that. Feels wrong to read about someone showering, even more when it’s a thirteen year-old.

The water had removed most of it, but there was a line of dried blood flecks on her throat from where the wire had pulled against it.

That’s going to do wonders for Vista’s doom and gloom, eh? Another near-death experience for the already injury-filled life of a superhero. This isn’t even the worst injury she has – well, yeah, from what I read here, the wire didn’t come even close to being lethal – but she thinks of a specific one, on her chest.

It had been the result of an altercation with Hookwolf as the villain escaped the scene of a grisly attack on a grocer, a year ago.  A blade on the villain’s arm had punctured her armor as he’d knocked her aside.  She’d felt the pain of her skin being penetrated and she’d kept quiet about it out of a desperate need to shake the label of being the team baby.  She didn’t want to be seen as the one always in need of help and protection.  It would have been embarrassing to ask for medical attention, only for it to be a scratch.

Huh. So...maybe part of the reason she takes her role as a superhero is out of a desire to not be seen as the team baby. That’s relatable. But that wasn’t just a scratch. It was worse than that, and I think everyone reading this knows the location means it may have been really dangerous. She may be lucky to be alive.  She sewed the injury by herself, and since there was no mention of infection or of any complications, I guess she did it correctly. Is first-aid something the Wards have to learn once they join? Maybe it is.

Vista might have tried asking Panacea to fix it, but hadn’t been able to summon up the courage.

Don’t waste your time. Panacea already has too much in her to-do list, she doesn’t have the time nor reason to heal a scar. I’m not discounting the possibility of deeper damage, but yeah, better not to ask her.

Sophia freaking Hess was in the bathroom too, and she proceeds to remind me why I don’t like her. Sure, she’s not performing any bullying on Vista like she does with Taylor, but she does a comment that was uncalled for.

Great, Vista thought.  Dennis might be acting more like his old self, but Sophia is too.

That’s good! The first step towards getting better is returning to some sort of normalcy. Without forgetting what happened, of course!

Once Vista is dressed up and ready, she goes towards Weld’s room. Weld likes music. So that’s why in the fanart I was shown he was shown with that stuff! Nice, it’s always good to see what a character is interested in.

As expected: Flechette told Weld about Vista’s fatalism, and he wants to know if she’s okay. Vista insists she is fine, but Weld has concerns that...you know, is something I never considered:

“And now you’re acting like nothing fazes you, even the idea of you maybe dying in the near future.  I have to know, Missy.  Do you have a death wish?  Are you going to be putting yourself in unnecessary danger?”

I certainly hope she won’t! Now that’d be depressing. Thankfully, Vista denies that, and I feel inclined towards believing her...although...yeah, Mr. Wildbow mentioning this right after he wrote about how Vista hid a serious injury from everyone else is making me worry about her well-being. It kind of feels like he’s foreshadowing she’s going to put herself in unnecessary danger.

I hope I’m just overthinking it.

“I just want to do a good job as a member of this team.  Carry on their memory.  Act like they would want me to act.  I can work twice as hard, be twice as tough, twice as strong, if it means making up for them being gone.”

I think nobody would want you to crush yourself under this weight. There’s only so much you can do by yourself, powers or not. This only makes me worry even more she’s going to get herself in danger.

Weld is saying the right stuff! Suggesting her to let others help her carry the legacy! That’s the leader they need, yeah!

“Okay. With all this in mind, I have one suggestion and two orders.  My suggestion?  Stop trying to be everything they were.  Be what you’re good at, a caring, sweet young woman who everyone on the team likes.  My professional opinion is that you have it in you to fill some of that void Gallant left.  Use that empathic nature of yours to help others with their own struggles.  Be the team’s heart.”

Maybe he’s going to be useful as a leader after all! Good! I applaud this. So Vista is going to be the heart of the team from now on, hopefully. If she was the cunning type instead of the type to wear her own heart in her sleeve, she could even use her age to manipulate others into keeping a tense and unsatisfying feeling of general harmony, but she won’t, I’m pretty sure she won’t.

Wow, her eyes started watering. Looks like he’s actually reaching her.

“Order number one is that you go see the PRT’s therapist.  If I can clear it with Director Piggot, figure out a way to make the patrol schedules work, I’m going to try to get everyone to go.  I’m honestly kind of flabbergasted that nobody higher up than me has mandated it already.”

About time someone suggested a therapist. Everyone is in sore need of a therapist. It didn’t take long for Weld to get on top of his game, he’s taking some good decisions today. His other order is for Vista to allow herself to cry. She refuses at first, but Weld insists and she finally lets herself cry while he hugs her. Just a few minutes of crying, but it’ll do her good.

When Vista leaves Weld’s room, Sophia does some more gratuitous cruelty because she had nothing better to do, I guess. Vista endures it, getting hit where it hurts, but tries what Weld recommended she should do. Take a guess how that went. It’s like you told someone to learn how to draw and the first thing they attempted to do is hyperrealism.

Feeling awful for the failure of her first attempt at reaching out to her teammates, she turns to leave and says she pities Sophia. That much is enough to piss her off. I suppose she really hates being pitied on. Heck, her reaction is to grab Vista and shove her onto the floor. That’s not the reaction of a sane person. Vista takes it much more calmly than most people would, and points out there are security cameras watching. That dissuades Sophia, who goes out with a bad excuse. Sigh.

You know, Shadow Stalker may be the last Ward to have an intermission..I had said I wanted to read an intermission with her as the point of view character, but now I’m not so sure. I had kind of forgotten how utterly exhausting is to read about what she does and says. Eh.

I guess I’ll see next time what happens.

Next update: in four updates

[oh-ishouldnt]

The favorite - part 01

The favorite - part ½ | Jack Maynard | imagine

Word count: 2123

A/N: The name Kirstie is being used.

More imagines here | Requests are open! 

“I’m just going to take my wallet, Y/N.” Conor said to you. “It won’t take 5 minutes, I swear.”

“For your own good, Conor, I really hope you won’t take too long to come back” You warned, snorting as he opened his front door.

“Jack isn’t even at home, Y/N/N, you’ll be fine” Conor promised.

“Oh, yeah, he would be the first to leave the place, right?” You remembered, calming down instantly.

Conor nodded his head and you two entered the house together, finding the exact opposite from what Conor have said: Jack Maynard was on the sofa watching TV.

“What the hell are you doing here?” You asked seeing Jack’s head turn to you.

“This is my home, Y/N. I guess I live here?”

“No, is not.” You hit back. “You moved out.”

“Okay, guys, you work the things out, I just need to get my wallet.” Conor asked, he gave up of the whole Y/N vs. Jack a long time ago.

“Yeah, but my name is on the rent’s contract, so technically I still live here.“ Jack answered, ignoring his brother.

"That’s a waste of money, isn’t it?” You commented, crossing your arms and supporting your weight in one leg near by the door. Where were Conor? Gods, where the fricking wallet has gone? “But I guess it suits you… You’re a waste of human being, so…”

Jack was pissed off already. At first moment, he thought yoj would be a really nice girl, all his friends only said funny and interesting things about you, yet when he met you, you were a pain in the ass and continued to be since that.

“Shut up and get out of my house, Y/N.” Jack commanded.

“Sadly to you, this house also belongs to your brother, as you might forgotten, and he…”

“Is going to take his best friend out on her best night ever.” Conor completed your sentence before you and Jack started fighting for real and ended killing each other.

Conor took your arm and drag you to the front door as you almost froth of rage.

“You look beautiful in this tight red dress by the way, Y/N!” Jack yelled as you and Conor were leaving.

“I can’t say the same to you, Jack!” You yelled back.

You and Con started walking down the street to get some food somewhere before hitting the nightclub, both of you freezing in the night, especially you because, after all, you were using just a dress and a jacket.

“For God’s sake, Y/N, when you and my brother will start to get along?” Con asked and you almost feel bad for him.

“Well, the day he stop being an asshole will be a great day.”

Conor sighed, his life would be so much easier if you two just stopped being little kids who stole each others toys on the playground.

“I thought you guys could, somehow, stop acting like this through the time… I was wrong”

“Yes, you were.” You told, starting to get angry with Con, because by the way he sounded, it seemed you were the villain. Of course, Jack was his perfect little brother.

“I don’t get it.”

“What?”

“Why you and Jack hate each other.”

You automatically responded: “I don’t hate Jack.”

Conor looked at you and frowned.

“Oh, no! That little scene back home was a demonstration of love!”

You rolled your eyes, sometimes Conor’s sarcasm was just annoying.

“Fine.” You grumble. “I hate your little brother.”

“My little brother?” Conor laughed “His older than you.”

“Your little brother still.”

“I never called him little brother.” You raised an eyebrow for him. “Not for real!”

“Whatever, Conor.”

“Honestly, why do you hate Jack?”

It was your turn to laugh: “I’m surprised you don’t know this answer.”

Conor was genuinely confused.

“I should know?”

“You should guessed by now.” You shrugged. “But no one did it yet so you must be alright… Maybe I’m just not good at pointing my reasons for doing the stuff I do.”

“Yeah, you’re not.”

“Shut up, Maynard.” You said. “Let’s grab some food, I’m starving.”

Later that night:

You said to the taxi pull over, it seemed that this building was the one, so you paid the driver and jumped out of the car, receiving the English storm with a grouch.

Oh, Conor was a dead man! Dead man! If he wasn’t dead already, you would kill him! What the hell! This wasn’t what you signed for when you two became friends! And you definitely should revised the terms of this if he thought rescuing him was on your tasks.

The place was brand new. You didn’t know how the heck Conor ended up on an office building, and didn’t know how it was a fancy one, but at least you could congratulate him for that.

You smiled to the blonde receptionist and explained you forgot your laptop on the 32nd floor because that was only one floor away from Conor and it wouldn’t be so suspicious. You thought you must be really chilled and had a really nice face because the woman said you could go without hesitating and let you pass the ratchets. Maybe they should hire someone better, you clearly didn’t work there.

Your high heels echoed on the marble floor and it was really fine, because you never felt more powerful than that, thinking that you could get used to the sound of your shoes on a classy floor. That would be nice in a daily basis, wouldn’t it?

You pressed the elevator’s button and sent a text message to Conor, saying you were almost there to rescue him from his little rendezvous. You must be a really really cool friend to do such a thing.

You heard someone speak to the receptionist, it had a flirtatious tone… A specific flirtatious tone that made you close your eyes and groan. Why? Why, gods? Aren’t you a nice person? The receptionist didn’t even doubt you! You weren’t on dawn trying to save your friend across the city? Why then? Why?

You stared at your phone, seeing the keyboard and thinking the zillion words you could angrily type in and scream at Conor for being such an idiot. Maybe you could even leave him there! But it wouldn’t be a punishment, would it? Because obviously he had another one coming to get him and it meant you took the cab for nothing. You hated Conor even more than you hated his brother in that moment.

“Oh, fuck off.” You heard Jack’s voice grumble.

You raised your eyes from your phone and stared at the person who just got there.

“I’m not happy either, but I guess you can complain about that with your brother later, when I rescue him from this girl and cut him in hundreds of pieces after.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m the one who’s rescuing Conor.”

You rolled your eyes.

“First: Can you stop being such a child? How old are you, 7?” You asked and then continued: “Second: I got here first, so definitely I’m the one who’s on a mission.”

“Your mission is over.” He declared “You were with him and look what happened? I had to leave my date because you couldn’t take care of my moron brother.”

The elevator arrived and you entered in it, being followed by Jack.

“Don’t call Conor a moron, your dumbass. And get your own elevator, please. This one is taken.”

“Oh, who’s acting like a fricking kid now, wise old lady?” Jack asked, pressing the 33rd floor button. “At least, now I can understand why are you so boring.”

“Don’t press the 33rd button, stupid.” You said. “They will realize we are with your brother and the girl.”

“Who will realize that?”

“The owners of the building! We are invading, you know?”

“And, yeah, our bigger problem will be being associated with my brother and the girl who actually have access to this building if we get caught.” Jack rolled his eyes. “For God’s sake, my brother said you were smart, Y/N.”

“Your brother says good things about you all the time to me too, but I think he’s blind.”

“You don’t tell me…”

All the sudden, the lights went off and the elevator made a huge noise before stopped.

“Fuck.” you cursed.

“It can’t be.” Jack complained.

“What the hell?” you started walking across the space, as if it would make some difference.

Jack, after panicking a little, said:

“Relax, baby, there’s a power generator in this kind of building”.

“Call me ‘baby’ again and I will be opening these doors with your teeth, Jack.” You warned. “And it’s the middle of the night in a weekend, we weren’t supposed to be in here, there’s no power generator for us, brainy.”

“Oh.” he realised you were right.

“Yeah, I know, genious.”

“But someone will take us out of here, Kirsten is just downstairs.”

“Who the hell is Kirsten?”

“The recepcionist, of course.”

“Oh, yeah, I supose I should know that.” You rolled your eyes.

“You spoke to her.”

“Yeah, I did, but I’m pretty sure you only know her name because she’s beautiful.”

“Are you jealous, Y/N?”

“Jealous? Oh, gods, someone should analize your mind, Jack, you are pretty damn sure of yourself in an abnormal way.”

“If you say so, honey.”

“I’m serious, Jack.” You angrily told.

“You only said about calling you ‘baby’, honey.”

You gave up, rolling your eyes with the feeling you would do a lot of it that night.

“Try to call Conor.” Jack said.

“Do you even have a brain?” You asked. “It’s an elevator, we don’t have signal.”

Jack lost his words:

“Some elevators do.”

“Right then, try to call your brother, your bloody idiot.”

And Jack actually tried, with no success.

“Dammit.”

“I said to you, dearie.” You stated with a smile bigger than the recommended.

“Shut up, Y/N. If I need to be with you for more than 10 minutes, it would be better if if you just don’t say anything.”

“Shut you up, Jack. You are the one to blame!”

“How the hell I am the problem in here?”

You opened your mouth to speak but a female voice came from the botton of the pit.

“Jack?”

“Kirstie!”

You rolled your eyes, the gods must be kidding with you because worst than being stuck with Jack Maynard was being saved by Jack Maynard’s new girlfriend.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah!”

“The pretty girl are there with you?”

You smiled, “pretty girl”? Okay, you might be okay with the Jack’s new thing.

“Yeah, Y/N is in here too.”

“I will send some help to you, guys!”

“Thank you!”  You both said as one, making faces of disgust for each other.

“Just wait a little and I’ll come back!” Kirstie said, leaving nothing but the silence behind her.

“So I’m the pretty girl, huh?” you teased Jack, calming down now that you two were going to leave that metal box.

“Again: shut up, Y/N.” He sat down on the elevator’s floor.

“Fine, I just find interesting you think I’m attractive.”

“Everybody thinks you are attractive.” Jack rolled his eyes, not really noticing what he told you.

“Everybody?” you were starting to find funny being stuck in there. “It’s really sad that it isn’t mutual.” Althought these were that got out of your mouth, you were bluffing. Since day 1 you thought Jack was handsome, but there wasn’t no way you would tell him that.

“Don’t make this a big deal, Y/N.” Jack argued, one thing was to compliment you to tease you, another thing was let a compliment slip out of his mouth. “And everybody knows you can’t resist me.”

“In your dreams, Maynard.”

“Guys!” Kirstie called and Jack jumped of the floor.

“Hi!” Jack shoulted back.

“I’m so sorry! I can’t get you out of there! Aparently, your names aren’t on the system, so the police is being called!”

“WHAT?” You and Jack screamed. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“I mean, I said it must be a mistake, but they can’t come here unless I make a complaint and I think you guys don’t want any trouble so…”

You stared Jack, the panic on your face was inevitable.

What are we going to do?  You asked without sounds.

I don’t know! Jack answered.

“Guys?”

Say something! You ordered.

“That’s fine, babe.” Jack told Kirstie at the end. “It won’t be more than a few minutes, me and Y/N can wait. Thanks, Kirstie!”

You sighned, letting yourself fall on the floor as your back slide down the wall, it would be a really long night.

Second part here

[pikkington]

The last episode of Max Headroom, episode 14, “Baby Grobags,” ends the show on a strong note.  Well, strong enough for a show that was clearly canceled partway through the season.  Also, yes, that is the episode title, and yes, it is never mentioned in the episode.  Anyways,

Last episode here we go.

"Metropolis."  Generic, or actual name of the city?

Test tube babies...grown in planters.

Edison's apartment, but Cheviot's wife provided caterers.

“Tell her I'm a wonderful guy."  "No, I don’t tell lies."  DRAGGED.

(Oof that's an ugly suit and tie)

Oh, okay, Edison's just loaning his apartment for some business thing Ben's doing.

It just hit me they probably did it to differentiate him from Max (who has the traditional suit and tie).

It's for some party show.

Aww, Murray has to stay in the office....he lied to Edison about getting changed.

Theora's friend Helen went...baby bagging.  "In orbit," ASTROANUT.  MIKE.  DEXTER.  His name's Christopher, I had to make the joke.

BEN IS THAT REALLY A GOOD IDEA.

(A show, called Prodigies, is beating out Network 23, so Ben's letting Max take over whenever it airs.)

Of course it's Network 66.

OFFER

OH CRAP I HAD AN IDEA WHERE GROSSBERG TRIES TO HIRE AWAY BRYCE

Bruh baby bagging would be so good for people where pregnancy would be dangerous or impossible for women, but nah, designer babies.

Murray and Theora are in my boat.

Murray doesn't like parties.

Bryce in a suit though.

Some weird visual glitches...

The lady from the beginning stole her kid!

Cornelia Firth.  And some weird evil executives are skulking about...

Pool...pool with a tunnel...

OH THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

I want to go to a business meeting in a POOL.

Her voice reminds me of Angela Lansbury.  [So I googled it after, Cornelia’s voice is so familiar because she’s Millicent Martin, who plays Daphne’s mom on Frasier.]

Bryce wears water wings!

Betcha Grossberg stole the kid for his show.

Yeah, genes are checked for problems...you guys have probably heard this all before.

This is the second time Theora and Murray have pretended to be a couple.

SHUT HIM DOWN THEORA.

Dung Po.  Or, Doug Po?

Murray's his last name.

"How very male of you."

BABY GROBAGS A.K.A. SLAMMING DUDES THE EPISODE

"Your little genius."  Suspicious.

Oh, that...that businessman knows who they are!

Grossberg that's...with your shirt half open like that and your chest showing, this is getting lowkey uncomfortable.

THEY'RE DENYING HIM HIS PARROT ON COST GROUNDS

BARTLETT.  BARTLETT WORKS FOR 66.

Edison's been found!

That stun gun is HUGE.

Part of me isn't convinced stun guns are scary, but that thing is huge, it could very easily kill him with voltage alone.  Can you tell I have never been shocked by a stun gun?

Oh cool, another vent.  The man lives in these.

BRUEGHL.

Okay, Grossberg makes Bryce to form a team to help him with cutting edge technology, new TV...and Bryce can take Max with him...

In vitro.

And they're stealing the smart babies and reproducing them...cloning them, maybe.  Maybe this isn't like test tube babies are after.

STEALTH JUMP

Edison "I have no qualms punching an older woman" Carter.

EDISON BROKE THE COMPUTER.  IT'S SMOKING.

WAIT

NETWORK 66 DIDN'T REALIZE THEY'RE SWITCHING KIDS.

"You'll have your parrot back!  Two parrots!" BRUH HE ALREADY HAS TWO.

"Let's at least be civilized." Grossberg, you literally shipped him out to die.

YEP THERE IT IS

EYES THE LOGO LOOKS LIKE EYES!

GROSSBERG WOULD KILL A BABY.

Okay, so...the stolen kid was an error after all?

Grossberg.  Grossberg you almost killed him.

Edison what the heck are you doing.

ILLEGAL CLONES

Floppy disc!  80s bingo!

HE WASN'T LYING.  They had no idea there was an illegal cloning ring supplying their kids!

Okay, but...Bryce already burned that bridge?!

HE'S BROUGHT IN BY THE SCRUFF.

MAX JUST DUNKED ON MAX HEADROOM.  GLAD THE WRITERS HAVE FUN.

Max I won't hesitate to throw hands with you.

I liked this show.  As much as I make fun of for all its cheesy 80s tropes and quirks and casual freaking sexism, I genuinely enjoyed watching it.  Some of the stuff was a little weird, most of it was definitely dated, but above all it was fun.  The show definitely improved the more episodes you got in, which is a shame it was canceled so prematurely; I would have loved to see how the plot point with Grossberg played out, as well as figuring out about the censor computer being actively malevolent or not.  The show’s already explored AI with good intentions developing and growing past their programming, let me see AI with good intentions behaving evilly.

The show also did wonders balancing out TV as both good and evil.  You could argue they had to, being a TV show, but it made it clear that it can be used for both, and you had to be careful with it.  TVs are a source of education for low-income kids, which is good, but blocking it behind a paywall and then promptly punishing people for finding a workaround is bad.  Carter uses TV for good, bringing to light problems in the city or even performed by his own network, but it’s a known fact by employees that TV is also used for surveillance, which is how Max is able to interact with his viewers.  In this episode, it’s made clear that the “Prodigies” TV show is making a dent in “mindless action,” being a show more geared for “fascination,” and possible audience participation, but it’s also made clear that this show and shows like it are manipulative: Max is pretty brutal about it in one scene, and the antagonist was resorting to illegal methods to provide babies for the show.

This show deserves a reboot, or at the very least, be returned to in some format.  I have no idea how to go about it, though; this was something that could have only existed in the 80s, I feel.  Or, at the very least, that’s what gives it its charm.

Scenes I enjoyed where any involving Grossberg (he’s so freaking evil, there’s just...no sugar-coating it), and that one bit at the end where Max just slams Max Headroom itself.  The monologue at the end, I did not care for.  I know this stuff is tongue-in-cheek, but O O F.

[gossipnetwork-blog]

American Horror Story Characters Ranked: From Cult Leaders to Coven Members & Everything in Between

New Post has been published on http://gossip.network/american-horror-story-characters-ranked-from-cult-leaders-to-coven-members-everything-in-between/

American Horror Story Characters Ranked: From Cult Leaders to Coven Members & Everything in Between

Over the course of seven installments, American Horror Story has introduced the world to all manner of crazy characters, from witches to vampires to insane cult leaders and everything else in between. And we do mean, everything.

Now that American Horror Story: Cult has come to its conclusion (with nary a supernatural being in sight, to boot!), the time is right to revisit our roundup of all the main actors in Ryan Murphy‘s troupe who’ve performed multiple characters over the years and update our ranking. Yes, that means Sarah Paulson, Evan Peters, Cheyenne Jackson, Frances Conroy and, of course, Jessica Lange—as well as newbies to the list, Adina Porter and Chaz Bono—and their characters from Murder House, Asylum, Coven, Freak Show, Hotel, Roanoke and Cult.

Which Paulson character reigns supreme? And which among Peters’ leads the pack? Read on to find out!

FX

American Horror Story Characters—Ranked!

Each year, the American Horror Story characters are dealt a new hand to play. They’ll go from angel of death to campy witch and murderer to coked out model as AHS reboots for another chapter. But let’s face it: some characters pop more than others. In honor of the AHS: Cult finale, we ranked each actor’s characters from best to worst. Click through to find out each actor’s best character now!

FX

Adina Porter’s No. 2. Lee Harris, AHS: Roanoke

Lee wasn’t the most likable person, but she was the last one standing when all was said and done.

FX

Adina Porter’s No. 1. Beverly Hope, AHS: Cult

Was there a more powerful woman in Cult than Beverly? Sure, she may have fallen under Kai’s sway, but she woke up when it mattered most. 

FX

Chaz Bono’s No. 2. Lot Polk, AHS: Roanoke

Bono didn’t have a ton to do but look menacing as the reenactment’s version of the cannibalistic Polk.

FX

Chaz Bono’s No. 1. Gary Longstreet, AHS: Cult

As Kai’s most loyal servant, Gary never had too much to do, but he sure was willing to promote the cause no matter the cost. (Hint: His life.)

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 5. Nora Montgomery, AHS: Murder House

A sad ghost with a penchant for baby taking, Nora is the weaker of Lily Rabe’s AHS characters.

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 4. Shelby Miller, AHS: Roanoke

She was an adulterer, a murderer, and a Yogi. But worst of all about Shelby? She was a whiner.

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 3. Aileen Wuornos, AHS: Hotel

Yes, Rabe played real-life serial killer (and inspiration for the movie Monster) Aileen Wuornos in an over-the-top performance in Hotel for one episode. Eat your heart out, Charlize Theron!

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 2. Sister Mary Eunice, AHS: Asylum & Freak Show

Sister Mary Eunice was Rabe’s most developed character. She was sweet and innocent…until she was possessed. Lots of opportunity for Rabe to do a variety of emotions here.

FX

Lily Rabe’s No. 1. Misty Day, AHS: Coven

The shawls, the Stevie Nicks obsession…Misty was fun!

FX

Lady Gaga’s No. 2. Scathach (Reenactment), AHS: Roanoke

Not as much a character than a plot device, the fact that the most exciting thing about Scathach (the fact that she was the original Supreme in Coven) was revealed in a Ryan Murphy interview rather than onscreen isn’t good.

FX

Lady Gaga’s No. 1. The Countess, AHS: Hotel

Glam, sensuous, and with a pressing thirst for blood? That’s how we like our Gaga.

Michele K. Short/FX

Matt Bomer’s No. 2. Andy, AHS: Freak Show

Sure Matt Bomer showed some skin, but his gay rent boy character was offed straight away. No development there.

Frank Ockenfels/FX

Matt Bomer’s No. 1. Donovan, AHS: Hotel

He’s showing skin, his killer hair and an actual story arc? We’re sold.

FX

Cheyenne Jackson’s No. 3. Dr. Rudy Vincent, AHS: Cult

Nice twist revealing that Rudy was Kai and Winter’s older brother, but the character never really felt all that developed.

FX

Cheyenne Jackson’s No. 2. Will Drake, AHS: Hotel

Will was gay, but then he fell in love with the Countess? We love Gaga as much as everyone else, but that was wildly unbelievable—which is saying something, considering this franchise.

FX

Cheynne Jackon’s No. 1. Sidney Aaron James, AHS: Roanoke

Was Sidney a total sociopath? Sure. But was his unwavering devotion to keeping his reality show alive, blood moon and murderous ghosts, absolutely hysterical? You betcha.

FX

Emma Roberts No. 3. Serena Belinda, AHS: Cult

She was nasty to Beverly and she paid dearly for it. 

Michele K. Short/FX

Emma Roberts’ No. 2. Maggie, AHS: Freak Show

A con artist who really didn’t do much to endear herself to viewers, compared to Emma Roberts’ Coven character, this is very easy to call.

Michele K. Short/FX

Emma Roberts’ No 1. Madison, AHS: Coven

The unapologetic attitude, the magic powers, the “Surprise, bitch” meme … need we go on as to why Madison Montgomery is Roberts’ tops AHS character?

FX

Wes Bentley’s No. 4. Ambrose White, AHS: Roanoke

If he’d only supported his mother, Tomasin would’ve never turned into the Butcher and no one in Roanoke would’ve been in the miserable mess they were in. Way to go, Ambrose.

Prashant Gupta/FX

Wes Bentley’s No. 3. John Lowe, AHS: Hotel

Ugh, there was nothing redeeming for Wes Bentley to do with him.

FX

Wes Bentley’s No. 2. Dylan, AHS: Roanoke

Dylan might’ve been the most sensible person on Roanoke. Naturally, he only lasted an episode. But his calm use of his Army skills to at least try and get the remaining survivors to safety was admirable. RIP Dylan.

Michele K. Short/FX

Wes Bentley’s No. 1. Edward Mordrake, AHS: Freak Show

Dude had a little head on the back of his own! He was creepy and helped usher Jessica Lange out of her last AHS.

FX

Finn Wittrock’s No. 3. Jether Polk, AHS: Roanoke

1. You don’t hire Finn Wittrock and hide his pretty face under all that inbred aesthetic. 2. If you do, you make him stick around for more than an episode.

FX

Finn Wittrock’s No. 2. Tristan, AHS: Hotel

Sure we got to see Finn Wittrock shirtless (a lot) and make out with, well, everybody. But Tristan was just pretty annoying.

FX

Finn Wittrock’s No. 1. Dandy, AHS: Freak Show

His first American Horror Story role and best American Horror Story role. Dandy was a sociopath and you could tell Wittrock had a great time sinking his teeth into the gig.

FX

Mare Winningham’s No. 4. Alicia, AHS: Coven

Mare Winningham has played a lot of pretty awful people on AHS, but her worst one yet has got to be Kyle’s sexually abusive mom.

FX

Mare Winningham’s No. 3. Rita, AHS: Freak Show

Is Alicia worse than Pepper’s sister Rita? They’re both pretty awful.

FX

Mare Winningham’s No. 2. Sally Keffler, AHS: Cult

We would’ve loved to have spent five more episodes with Winningham’s badass alt-right fighting, joint rolling Sally. Alas, Kai and his goons made sure that would never happen.

FX

Mare Winningham��s No. 1. Ms. Evers, AHS: Hotel

Sure she had her problems, but with Ms. Evers, Winningham finally got more to do than be terrible.

FX

Jamie Brewer’s No. 3. Marjorie, AHS: Freak Show

Can we pretend the all that Neil Patrick Harris stuff didn’t happen on Freak Show? Silver lining: We got Jamie Brewer back into the mix.

FX

Jamie Brewer’s No. 2. Nan, AHS: Coven

Admit it, you were so pissed when Nan was killed on Coven.

FX

Jamie Brewer’s No. 1. Adelaide, AHS: Murder House

Addie was one of the few characters you can actually really feel for on AHS, despite her warnings of death and what not.

FX

Gabourey Sidibe’s No. 2. Regina, AHS: Freak Show

Gabourey Sidibe had so little to do besides get killed by Dandy.

Michele K. Short/FX

Gabourey Sidibe’s No. 1. Queenie, AHS: Coven & Hotel

Yas, Queenie! So brash and so sassy, Queenie was the best. Who could forget her friendship with Kathy Bates’ LaLaurie?

FX

Zachary Quinto’s No. 2. Chad, AHS: Murder House

Zachary Quinto‘s controlling former owner of the Murder House wasn’t anything to write home about.

FX

Zachary Quinto’s No. 1. Dr. Thredson, AHS: Asylum

Creepy with a capitol C!

FX

Taissa Farmiga’s No. 3. Sophie Green, AHS: Roanoke

When we heard that Taissa Farmiga was returning to AHS in her third role, we were thrilled. When she showed up as a truly stupid moderator of a My Roanoke Nightmare fan site, just to be brutally impaled and burned alive—well, we were considerably less thrilled.

FX

Taissa Farmiga’s No. 2. Zoe, AHS: Coven

A little on the annoying side, Zoe’s power of the killer vagina was the only thing that made her interesting.

Ray Mickshaw/FX

Taissa Farmiga’s No. 1. Violet, AHS: Murder House

Spunky and ghostly is just the way we like Taissa Farmiga.

FX

Alexandra Breckinridge’s No. 2. Kaylee, AHS: Coven

A pyrotechnic witch, she was easily duped by and then killed by Hank. Meh.

FX

Alexandra Breckinridge’s No. 1. Moira, AHS: Murder House

Alexandra Breckenridge played the younger Frances Conroy who used this form to tempt and taunt men.

FX

Chloe Sevigny’s No. 2. Alex, AHS: Hotel

Chloe Sevigny‘s character willingly became vampire(y) to be with her beloved son. Other than that, she was pretty boring.

FX

Chloe Sevigny’s No. 1. Shelley, AHS: Asylum

Sure this was a way smaller role, but you could tell she had one heck of a time playing the nymphomaniac who got experimented on by Dr. Arden

FX

Dylan McDermott’s No. 2. Johnny, AHS: Asylum

Talk about mommy and daddy issues!

Ray Mickshaw/FX

Dylan McDermott’s No. 1. Ben, AHS: Murder House

We went from loving to hating and wanting to do everything in between to Dylan McDermott‘s first character.

FX

Denis O’Hare’s No. 5. Stanley, AHS: Freak Show

The smarmiest character ever, his claim to fame was … his big penis.

Photos

See More From American Horror Story Characters Ranked (By Actor) From Worst to Best

Did the right Sarah Paulson character come out on top? How about our choice for top Evan Peters role? Sound off in the comments below!

American Horror Story will return for its eighth installment on FX in 2018.

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