#heartbroken by a cowboy as the prophecies fortold

[redspaceangst]

habits

its been a year since our first date

in just a few short months it will be a year since we broke up

and yet i still cling onto the habits those four months of you gave me

the way i wear rings

(i did it before, but the need to impress you made it a staple)

the way i tell stupid stories

(you changed the pace in how i tell them)

those stupid cigarettes you used to smoke

(do you ever go and buy a pack? does it make you think of me?)

the way you would chuckle behind closed lips

(i didnt do that as often until you left me)

the way you sit in your truck

(i do it in my car now. i didnt notice until i saw i could drive with just my right hand.)

the way your lopsided smile sits on your face

(i know you cant control it; it was one of my favorite features.)

the way you look stupid any time you think a camera is pointed at you

(it always made me laugh. i loved how you'd make me laugh.)

the way you just speed walk every where you go

(i still cant keep up with you, but my friends get mad sometimes)

the way you slam redbull after redbull

(did you know 6 in one night feels like cocaine? maybe dont do that. you have a heart condition.)

at the end of the day

so many of the little things

that my husband now finds endearing about me

are little things you accidentally taught me to do

and i didnt realize until a year later

how i accidentally learned them.

[redspaceangst]

if that truck could talk

a poem about the cowboy who's stupid cigarettes i still smoke and his old 1999 he sold in october, based off a song that just came out w the same title

if that truck could talk

it'd tell stories about our laughter

how my feet would fall in your lap

and all the beer cans in the back

if that truck could talk

it'd cry about how we fought

till even it was begging you to just love me

like i loved you

but we were just 21

untamed and full of pain

yet i would've done anything

for the blonde haired boy

who smoked himself near death

that sat pretty in the drivers side

if that truck could talk

it would've begged you not to sell it

cause that truck was the only thing

that let me know you got to work safe those days

even after it hated you for breaking my heart too

[redspaceangst]

hometown children

they say us hometown kids

always know how to run

avoiding problems with the best

acting like there's never any wrong

we weren't taught to take responsibility

that's mommy and daddy's job

cause "boys will be boys"

and "them girls won't stop"

mean the same damn thing

down where i'm from

[redspaceangst]

before, during, after

a poem about how im finally letting go of the cowboy who made me hate home

before you, it was cold.

i was abandoned again and frozen,

moving through the motions day after day,

a lack of sun rays was prevalent in my life.

it was cold, and it was lonely, and i didn't know what to do.

when your messages pinged my phone, i thought we would go nowhere.

that you were no different.

during you, for a while, at least

there was sunshine again.

spending time curled up in bed,

napping, talking, laughing,

finally not stagnant with my life,

getting your permission to start a new job

so i could start working on moving back home,

gave me a light in my life,

that to this day reminds me of your hair.

bright. golden. soft.

but then there was the other half of during you-

the same stagnant feeling crept back in,

at least surrounding my love for you,

frozen hearts, fights, begging you to show me

the care you once held.

and you never did.

during you, i remember telling myself

id give up. i was too old.

there was no point in looking again.

even as i locked eyes with another and felt that old sprinkle of hope,

i crushed it down. i didn't need it.

it turns out you really were no different.

i hate to admit that i was so relieved when you finally left.

after you,

the sunshine started peeking back in,

full of joy again,

laughter,

the gentle buzz of alcohol and the smiles of my friends,

finally no longer isolating myself while waiting for you to return.

now that it is after you,

and will always be a time after you,

i can talk to my friends with confidence,

not afraid of what you may think of what i say,

not having to hide who i am from everyone,

finally proud inside of my skin, my religion,

my choices.

you were never awful to me. i will admit that.

but you were cold. and rude.

and though you likely didn't realize it,

tried suffocating parts of me i relied on.

after you is better.

the after you that you led me to has been the best days of my life.

and all i can do is be grateful that you opened these doors.

thank you for this time after you.