#heartbreaking. painful. sad. tragic. makes me throw up everywhere.

[soo-won]

Nobody is asking Yona to sacrifice herself or stay with the dragons forever. That's not why ppl are upset with her imo. What's disappointing was that when the gods say Kouka would turn into hell, we didn't saw any hesitation in her. She could've argued w them or showed some determination like: "hey, I won't let you play with me or my country no matter how hard you try" something she did while zeno was trying to kill himself. But no she's like oh hell sounds fun as long as I'm with my family. She even hesitated when Hak's life seems at stake. So what does it mean? And there's is a difference between her running away from the gods vs Suwon not depending on the gods. She's ok to enjoy the blessings but when it comes to pay back, she's running away. Yona acted like a selfish brat like she used to be in the castle, which is disappointing if we consider her development in the past

I'm not gonna lie in this case I feel like people are just looking for something to be mad at her. Like, in chapter 257, I was more bothered by Yona not hesitating because the consequences of that decision were 100% assured and known : all the dragons of the past waiting and suffering in vain until the current generation. And the whole time paradox twist was a lot to process and swallow in a few pages, that Yona's reaction felt sudden too. I wanted to see her hesitate then because I was affected as a reader by the twist that it was technically Yona that made the cycle happen? Even if from her POV it was about not erasing the past like damn that's a lot.

But the circumstances are not the same at all here imo. Yona has been in this chalice for like an entire volume. She tried already to negociate with the gods. It didn't work. They went against their words. They hurt the dragons. She tried everything she could here. They're basically bullying her, they keep tormenting her, she's not getting through them at all. Yona is affected and upset when they tell her about the dragons' limbs. She came here to begin with to save them, she made a deal with the gods that made her stuck inside the chalice against her will but supposedly in exchange of the dragons being freed, and now she realizes that even that failed and that they lost body parts. It's devastating. And Yona looks sick of it. From this point, it's clear to me she realized it's useless trying to get anything from them, because she won't. They're only toying with her and her feelings. All she can do is leave with them and defuse. There's NOTHING she can do more from the heavens, she can't ask the gods to save the dragons and even less protect Kouka.

Yona has been having nightmares about natural disasters and wars breaking out since chapter 257, she's already past hesitating about this too. So I don't mind she doesn't hesitate for it here. Yona in chapter 257 was scared of even falling asleep because she was scared of this future where she's all alone and it's hell everywhere. But she can only stop it by facing it and standing against it. It didn't happen yet, she has to keep her eyes open... She already learned this lesson. As we've seen with Yona protecting Hak from Zeno, her nightmares can be prevented, but this won't be if she stays still in heavens. Staying in a peaceful garden and shivering because intervening outside could cause more problems is much more like Yona of the beginning before her development, than Yona leaving to live in Kouka and fight against problems arising there. Yona was told her existence and actions were a pain that could create more problems at different occasions, and her conviction has always been to make her own place in the world anyways. Before she asks for the gods' divine protection, she should face her own fears and try to do something herself...that's how she always worked. She has always refused to rely on the gods alone.

The motif of living outside and in not the most comfortable place but finding purpose in getting through struggles together has been a thing forever that Yona's reaction about life outside being preferable only seems natural to me. I don't know... Her hesitating here would have felt redundant and would have surprised me. Yona has long ago developed the conviction that she finds more purpose in life in the struggles and difficulties because of all the people reaching out their hand to help, than her peaceful and confined, lonely days in the palace. She always found more purpose in helping people on the ground than to take decisions from above. Even in the castle and south kai arcs it was visible how she wanted to go help prisoners herself, and the way she went to rescue Meinyan shows it well too. I don't want her to hesitate for this. She already said she'd rather live in the mud in chapter 263 too. That's the most Yona thing ever imo, it makes me happy personally. It doesn't need to be said she's concerned for others, and she will keep running to their help to do something with her own hands. I don't need her to hesitate because personally I have no conflicted feeling about the situation and I think Yona is 100% right, here. I have no doubt she is intelligent enough at this point to say this too.

You could argue it would have been better if she had a speech like the one she had in chapter 43, and I can't argue about that (it's true it's very good!). I can understand, I just personally don't need it, because the fact chapter 43 exists is enough in itself to me and the present automatically resonates with it and everything before. I can't be mad at Yona not saying word for word "I'm going to save people struggling outside" because I already know that. I personally don't need that reassurance at this point.

The chapter shows her being concerned for Kouka and everyone on Earth when she flies on Ouryuu's back. Yona always planned to return from the chalice for everyone and everything she left behind on Earth. Of course she's concerned. She wants to bring her friends back from the chalice AND help everyone in Kouka. She promised Yun she would come back with everyone, she planned to return to Suwon too and not abandon her duties as Princess. All these things exist inside of her. Anyways, Yona doesn't need to tell the gods to stop toying with her country like she did with Zeno before too, because the ways things are presented, it seems like it's not like the gods cause this on purpose either? It's a consequence of everything going to shit, and it's also Ouryuu who is on her side talking to her before she says she prefers hell than here. So she doesn't reply angrily, she replies with hope. That's why that page is beautiful too, imo. The gods might not see and understand the value in such a world that Hiryuu and Yona are so fond of. But they can't help but love this messy, "hellish" world. Talking angrily to the gods didn't work in ch263/264 either, so I feel like it was also her trying a different approach when she told them she would live in Kouka maybe? Like she doesn't want to let herself be affected and be upset by them and she simply, intransigently voices her intentions to them?

You say you don't want her to sacrifice herself and stay with the gods forever, but also accuse her of "running away" from the gods and call her a selfish brat for her reactions in this chapter, so I really don't understand your point here. How on earth is Yona supposed to not depend on the gods in this situation but by not making a deal with them? Staying in Heavens, contract done to protect Kouka from doom and ending it at that (because she would be stuck there) would be truly the coward move imo. Yeah she's turning back and trying to get out of Heavens but... it's...good to stop moving forward and further if doing so brings you to extreme loneliness and/or death I think...? I think that's the point...Getting desperate, leaving everything behind and sacrificing more and more of your true wants and isolating yourself has been a pattern that never brought anything good to the characters that tried before. She struggles and things didn't happen as expected, many things are still unresolved, but she can only do so much in this situation. She tried. She tried discussing with the gods, asking them to free the dragons, to let her out. It didn't work, it was a blow on her when they forced her under a sea of flowers, when they tried torturing Zeno, and when she learned the dragons got injured. From that, she adapted and tried to leave. That's it.

I think Yona wavering when they threaten to kill Hak and what it means is pretty simple and is no secret. Yona loves and cares about Hak. Hak is someone important, personal and intimate to her, so obviously she's not unaffected. Yona from the very beginning has been trying to get stronger and do all she could to protect Hak again and again. Losing people dear to her is what scares her more than anything, it always has been so, even if it coexists with her caring about the world around her too. And you know, even if Hak is special to her, I honestly think that if the gods had threatened the lives of the dragons and not only their limbs, Yona would have been affected too. She would have also faltered had they threatened the life of people she doesn't know in the same terms. It's just extra cruel to use Hak in particular against her. It shows again the gods atp are only interested in destroying everything that might be connecting Yona to Earth. It's the exact same form of abuse that Chagol used against Meinyan. It's about isolating her. It's also not really the same as claiming people will die without the gods' divine protection that is more like a potential consequence than a term of a contract like it is at the end of the chapter. She can stand against conflicts outside and protect people there, but what can she do against Hak just, being killed by divine intervention if she doesn't return to heavens (supposedly)? They fucking coerce her here. Maybe it's just bluff, and she should not give a fuck about Hak and still leave. After all, what is one person against the world and her freedom! But well, she cares. She never discarded her loved ones and never compromised Hak and her friends' life. She never compromised the life of anyone really (which is different from sparing and refusing to kill anyone). That's who Yona is. Yona doesn't sacrifice and compromise people's lives, That's why she wants to save everyone AND wants to go home. And that's why she's stuck now. Yona wants to live. But she can't sacrifice someone innocent either, especially not someone she loves. It's the perfect dilemma for her. And that she's forced into it is what is heartbreaking. She shouldn't have to choose. That's why she needs help now.

Bringing up payback like this rubs me a bit in the wrong way...This damn idea of paying back is what has been haunting the narrative for so many years i can't conceive repeating it for Yona too. To me it comes from the same mindset that asks for retribution, punishment and karma for every character that upset Yona in some way or should be grateful and kneel to her and Hak that has been so sickening for so long. I don't want anyone to be forced to pay anything back ever. Every character should get all the help and support they need for free at all times imo. I don't think Yona nor the dragons should have to pay such a harsh price either. Because that's what a blessing is. That's what love and kindness are. That's what wishes are. If the gods really cared for Hiryuu, they wouldn't ask her anything in return, they wouldn't torment her, they wouldn't punish the dragons either. It can just...stop. (Because yes this favor shouldn't be at all to begin with) Which is what Yona wants.

Aren't we so tired of all this "contracts" and "punishment" and "paying back" bullshit by now? I so am. It's exactly what has been ruining the lives of the characters forever and now (and my mental health as a reader lol). She's paying back right now by being in this situation already. And that's not a good thing at all. It's very good narratively though because yeah, they want her to pay back! They make this about contract when she was asking a favor! She's paying the price for her decision in ch257, for ever using the dragons, for entering the chalice as Hiryuu's reincarnation...But it's nothing but sad. There doesn't need to be this payback. That's what the story is exploring. Looking for the dragons to survive (whom she never forced, even if yes they were bound by their contract thing) and protect Hak is not a crime, not erasing the past to save her friends isn't so evil that she deserves to sacrifice herself. Making it end is enough. It may be selfish that yeah she enjoyed the good parts of it until it bothered her but honestly I think it's okay lol. As long as it ends. As long as no one has to pay back anything for doing their best to survive and struggling to protect something. Like Meinyan doesn't need to apologize or to pay back anyone for all she did and was done for her, just like Suwon doesn't need to be even and be punished, like Shinah doesn't need to executed for attacking Suwon, like Zeno doesn't need to be punished for betraying Yona and the ddhhb, etc... Because it's better to look at the bigger picture and at people's circumstances you know...That's how I interpret this arc, at least.

Yona doesn't pay back by sacrificing things, she "pays back" by giving back out of gratitude. That's precisely what she does by doing all she can to save the dragons right now. The dragon warriors gave her so much without ever asking anything back, they saved her from danger and they saved her from despair, she's so grateful and loves them so deeply she wants to bring them happiness too. But Yona can't give the Gods what they want without sacrificing important things to her, and not when they're the way they are now. So she can only leave.

Of course Yona/Hiryuu alone getting this treatment from the gods was always unfair and it shouldn't be at all, especially not at the cost of so many dragons suffering for so long. But well, she did. And when learning how this "favor" was hurting the people around her, she was affected, grieved it in ch253/254, and then she opposed it and tried to stop it in the present. (Also she's been concerned by the dragons' use of their powers for a very long time even if she doesn't go deeper) But the gods don't care. You can blame her for not questioning things more before, I'm critical of this too, I still conflicted about chapter 257 as well, plus everything irt the crimson illness etc but like, she says it, she doesn't want their powers if that's the price. She only wants the human them. She doesn't need the dragons' powers and she doesn't need the gods' protection. When she throws away Hiryuu's sword they give her, it's her rejecting that again. She doesn't want that special power and favor, that's not what she's asking. She wants agency and power, but not at the price of the agency and free will of others. She wants everyone to have normal lives where they can decide things for themselves, to live with their whole free will. That's her development in this arc. I like that she finally faces these things.

Maybe it's just a question of preference, and you might be affected by Yona's reactions in a way I can't relate. But personally I like the chapter this way and I like Yona in it. I don't think she's a selfish brat (god. it's...such a thing to call her honestly it irks me sorry, despite all criticisms I have of her character.) I don't think she doesn't care about Kouka and its people at all. Ive seen people say that too but...Even if yes Yona is still a 16 years old girl with struggles and feelings and still some immaturity which is important to take into account, I don't think she's as childish and inconsiderate as people make her either. People often seem to say her reactions and decisions are emotional and with no reason but I think they're emotional AND with reason, at least here. Yona doesn't say this about Kouka struck by disasters being preferable than Heavens from emotions alone (because yes, she just wants to go home and she genuinely loves the people in Kouka), but also from experience and conviction. They don't cancel each other out. It doesn't make her a hypocrite to have personal interests in it too.

[magaprima]

Part 2 Episode 6 Analysis (4/4) i.e the horrendous final Lilith scene of the episode that causes me so much pain it’s took me ages to get around to writing about it

The scene literally starts with her vomiting, and we get the vibe that she has been vomiting for a while and this is coming to the end of it. There’s no score initially, meaning all we hear is her retching, and the lack of score just makes the scene feel as raw as Lilith’s emotions, and it’s only when she starts expressing her feelings aloud for us that the music properly cuts in.

But the fact is we have seen Lilith ‘feast on male flesh’ twice in the series already and we’ve also see her proclaim it proudly and use it as a threat (towards Blackwood). This is not something Lilith dislikes doing, and the fact she does it infrequently and refers to it as ‘feasting’ suggests she views a male flesh buffet as being a treat, it’s something she indulges in, it’s not her regular run-of-the-mill meal. And, though I hate to say it, before she knew the steak was made of Adam, she stated how delicious it was, enough for her to think Adam was an very talented chef for serving that meal. She liked the taste, Lilith truly enjoys this particular feast. The fact that she is now vomiting it all back up, that the thing she openly admitted tasted delicious is now so vile to her she is bringing it all back up, really tells you all you need to know not just about how intensely she felt about Adam, but also about how horrific this punishment was for her. The Dark Lord hasn’t just made her suffer, he hasn’t just upset, he hasn’t just broken her heart, he has made her physically sick. And that is something visceral, guttural and primal in it’s emotion.  

It’s just so heartbreaking to watch that moment, the way she throws up, and when she’s done, collapsing into her own hand. She looks absolutely brokenhearted and in that moment where she’s leaning on the toilet, crying while she covers her eyes with her hand, she looks so small, so hurt, so fragile and so utterly human. She looks so human in that moment. She could easily be the real Mary Wardwell right there if you’d just tuned in. She felt a positive human emotion in her relationship with Adam and now she is feeling a negative human emotion in her loss of him; she is feeling pure, unadulterated grief, and you can just see it’s that kind of grief where you keep going over in your head what you could have done differently to avoid it. This was not a natural death, obviously, and we also know Lilith haa the power to bring back the dead (as she did Mary), the fact she can’t with Adam suggests the Dark Lord’s killing of him, taking of his soul, perhaps, has put him far beyond her reach, meaning it’s a complete death for her. This is not a death that can be undone or fixed, it’s not even a death where she can see the soul herself, it is a permanent, complete death, done with, and it’s that that she’s grieving for as well, I think; the absoluteness of it.

She is genuinely crying here. It’s like a human cry. And I say that specifically, because up till now, we’ve mostly only ever seen Lilith behave outside of the normal human realm of emotion. She reacts differently to things (like how she’s bewildered by Adam’s kindness or how she showed no sympathy for Daniel Webster’s grief; it’s all typically different to how humans react to certain things) but here she is reacting just as any human would. She is crying, she is grieving, she is in physical pain from that grief at a loss of someone she loved; there is nothing more human than that. I mean, you would never see Lucifer have this emotion, or the Plague Kings, or even Caliban etc. But you could see Zelda reacting this way, Hilda, Sabrina etc, because they’re human (well witch-human, which is slightly different if the 13 month of pregnancy is any indication. But the point still stands). 

“I don’t understand...I don’t understand...” When she’s muttering this and trying to find a reason why Adam died, that desperation to find logic and reason in a tragedy is also so tremendously human. I think, honestly, this i why this scene hurts so much; it’s not just the loss and suffering and grief, it’s the fact we’re seeing Lilith be entirely without defence, we’re seeing the human part of her entirely, without cover. 

“How did the Dark Lord discover us?”

Discover us. She is referred to her and Adam as an us. There’s something so tragically romantic and affectionate in that. It’s not ‘how did he discover my mortal play thing?’ it’s not ‘how did he discover adam?’ it’s not even ‘how did he discover i didn’t kill him?’, it’s ‘how did he discover us?’. She is identifying her and Adam as unit, an official couple. It wasn’t Adam that was discovered, it was the both of them. They were happy, they were leaving for Tibet and they were discovered. Even though he’s dead, she’s still speaking about him through couple-language and that’s just heartbreaking. Added to the way she holds the ring and repeats that it should have hidden him....she calls herself a grieving widow in the next episode, and you can’t deny this is exactly how she sounds in this moment. The fact she’s wearing black like a funeral outfit only adds to the effect.

The only moment her sadness disappears from her expression is when she realises what happened and she looks at Stolas. And you can see how it doesn’t take her long to get to that conclusion and you know how certain she is that she’s right, and it’s the kind of certainty that comes from knowing betrayal. Lilith has known disloyalty and betrayal so much that she knows she’s right when she looks to her familiar as the culprit. 

And it’s while she’s confronting Stolas that we cut to a bird’s eye view shot (interesting pun of a choice, perhaps) and we see how Lilith is sat. She is just on the floor, in the corner, with her legs just out. There’s none of her usual grace, elegance, sensuality, sexuality, none of it. We’ve only ever seen Lilith sit the same way she stands and walks; with purpose, everything in place, utter sensual perfection, always on, never wavering....but here there’s none of that, all of that glamorous air she maintains is gone. She is utterly vulnerable and broken on the floor, with no care for how she looks. Again, it emphasises that look of humanity in her. 

“You’ve been reporting back to the Dark Lord ever since he brought you back to life, haven’t you?”

This is a really horrible thing for Lilith to realise. Her familiar, the one she has called her trusted companion, who has been with her since the very beginning and (according to the passion play) even before she met the Dark Lord himself, has chosen the Dark Lord over her. He decided loyalty to him was more important than Lilith’s happiness. It’s the ultimate betrayal; she knows Lucifer pulls some serious shit, but Stolas is meant to be someone she can rely on, someone who is loyal to her no matter what (familiars are bound to their witches, after all) and yet he is the one who brought about this utter heartbreak. And, by the way he stands on the ledge and replies to her, we presume he feels justified in his actions, that he wasn’t forthcoming with any apology. She has discovered that not only does the Dark Lord not care what she wants and decides things for her, but so does her familiar. Even her own familiar doesn’t honour her or her wishes. This is her oldest friend, they’ve been through highs and lows together, they’ve presumably fallen out and made up (I sometimes wonder if killing him has been as much a pattern as Zelda killing Hilda was) and yet when the cards were down, he chose her abuser over her, and prompted the killing of the person she loved....and then doesn’t even have remorse over it. 

It’s another loss and I think that shows when she screams and causes him to burn to ash (which, side not, is an extreme display of power. So much so that in the Part 2 trailer, they edited that moment to mislead us into thinking Sabrina made it happen as they say ‘she keeps getting stronger’ so even the writers and editors know that that is as bad ass as it’s gotten so far in the show. That moment does remind us just how freaking awesomely powerful Lilith is) and she cries again. No, actually, it’s more a wail. Because in that moment of destroying Stolas permanently, with no chance of resurrection, it’s confirmation that she has lost both Adam and Stolas in one foul swoop. It’s two deaths (though Stolas’ is more death by betrayal than by his literal death). She thought she was surrounded by people who cared about her, she probably felt her life was very full and supportive, and now suddenly there’s nothing; she’s lost the person she loved and she’s lost her oldest friend, all in the space of an hour basically. 

And then after that expulsion of loud, raw grief, Lilith turns to her natural instinct; plotting. She rallies herself, she takes strength in a plan, and I think it’s so interesting that her plan isn’t ‘kill the Dark Lord’ it isn’t even ‘Lead a coup’, it’s a plan to make him feel the pain she feels, because to Lilith, right now, that’s the worst thing you can have happen to you. She is feeling such grief and agony she can’t imagine anything worse to suffer, to feel what she’s feeling would be worse for the Dark Lord than death (though as I said above, I doubt Lucifer can feel this sort of raw emotion, as he was never human). 

“But the Dark Lord doesn’t know all. He’s not omniscient. He’s not omnipotent. Which means...he won’t see what’s coming next”

Our first hint/foreshadowy reminder that Lilith knows the Dark Lord’s weaknesses. Everyone else in the show refers to him as their God, they speak of him as knowing everything, that he’s everywhere, that he answers everyone, that you can’t hide from him etc. But we see hear that Lilith knows better, that Lilith knows he can’t see everything and that he can only be in one place at a time. She has been with him since his fall and she knows both his weaknesses and limitations. She’s able to plan around that. 

When she decides to wear Adam’s ring, not only is this her making a conscious decision not to forget him but to keep him in her mind (and her heart?), but you also see her consciously decide which finger to put it on. She could have put it on her right hand, or on her middle finger of her left hand, but she actively picks the ring finger of her left hand. The wedding finger. Lilith knows what this means, and as I said, she calls herself a widow in the next episode, and here Lilith is consciously, purposefully and willingly choosing that designation for herself. This ties into what I need to write about on a bigger post, about how she was created in the Garden and her core being in those early days, has an effect on her choices and reactions even today, because she was a wife in the very beginning, that’s how she started out, so there’s a sense of coming full circle on her own terms here, that in the Garden she was forced to be a wife, but here she’s choosing to be one, because this Adam earned it, he earned her love and mutual respect, while the first Adam didn’t. 

“He took away the one thing I loved. Now I’ll do the same to him”

The fact there is no denial here, no room for interpretation, this is full, out-and-out confirmation that she had fallen in love with Adam, which is not only impressive considering her general disdain and dislike towards mortal men, but it also shows Lilith has a huge capacity for emotion and affection and love, reminding us that she’s not simply a demoness, but something much more complicated and nuanced, and it also shows us that she’s not closed off. People can win her over, she isn’t closed in her heart or her mind, she does listen, she does consider, she’s not static in the way she is, and she can grow and change and experience new things. And I think this moment is one where she changed irrevocably, the Lilith we see from this moment on is not the same Lilith we’ve seen since Part 1. And you do see, in future episodes, how she reacts differently to situations to how she did in the beginning (for example, when Sabrina fails to tell her Lucifer is free and says ‘I had other things on her mind’ Lilith does not get hateful, she doesn’t even attack Sabrina for it, and then when Zelda turns her away, Lilith does nothing more than insult her, whereas she would have once actively plotted her downfall and/or murder). 

[zitrolena]

What’s meant to be will always find a way (6)

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

I wanted to post it before I go to work; And I will probably change some stuff to make it sound better. But anyways, hope you suffer through it for now :)

Chapter 6: Lost 

~ We’re the only ones that can bring us back together. Isn’t it such a tragic thing when yoz can see it so clearly but the other person doesn’t. - Rupi Kaur ~

----

They step into Joanas room, her new room. It is weird to think that that’s where Joana is living now and that Cris never said goodbye to her old room. The most heartbreaking thing of it is that the last thing the room saw of her, was them breaking up.

“Why did you move?”, Cris asks, looking around in the room; noticing the drawings, mostly black and white and the guitar, that she had played on for Cris once, in the corner of the room. She doesn’t see any pictures of them, but she notices the drawing of their first kiss, and that is enough to cause her chest to rise.

Out of habit, she sits down on Joanas bed, only realizing it when she notices Joana looking at her attentively. She shuffles around, barging with the idea of switching from the bed to the floor, thinking about what would be weirder.  

When Joana sits down on the chair opposite of her, Cris keeps sitting where she is; almost paralyzed by the flashback that occurs. The memories come flashing back of the first time Joana broke up with her and she shuts her eyes at the thought of it. There are just some memories you never really get over no matter how much her mind rationalizes that it’s best to let go.

But now Joana is sitting opposite of her, looking at her attentively instead of coldly and both of them know that something is unspoken between them, both wanting answers to questions they don’t know how to ask about.

“Can you sit beside me?”, Cris whispers, her breath unsteady. Joana is looking at her, her body stone-cold, but something glisters inside her eyes, making Cris keep on talking “Sitting like this is causing flashbacks”. In fact, everything is causing flashback and Cris couldn’t decide which flashbacks are worse; the ones when she’s next to Joana remembering everything that happened; or when she’s alone in her room or somewhere in Asia and Joana creeps up in her mind out of nowhere.

Slowly Joana stands up and it’s almost like the time stands still until she’s right next to Cris, looking at her, her looking at Joana and it all just feels so natural, as if they never stopped. “Better?”

Cris heart beats faster, knocking out of her chest. At the same time her breathing is slow, calmed by Joana looking at her, looking at her with such an intensity that it feels like a hug. “Yeah..”, she breaths out “Much better”

The heat between them grows, but not in the sexual way. It’s this special kind of closeness that causes your whole body to heat up but not overwhelming you. It’s something unexplainable if you’ve never experienced it before. And it is the feeling Cris only connects to Joana. 

Softly Cris starts talking “Joana, last night was..“

Joana rolls her eyes annoyed that Cris brings it up even though she said that it was okay 2 minutes ago, the calmness immediately vanishing, “Last night didn’t mean anything, Cris. I was bad and I acted out of impulse. You always were the one I went to when I felt like that and.. That’s all!”.

“I know”, Cris sighs and looks away “But just because it doesn’t mean anything for us, doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter to me... I missed you laying beside me”

“I don’t want to talk about this!”, she cuts Cris off and looks around her room, stalling, wishing that there wasn’t an explanation needed; that she didn’t have to sit and listen as Cris tried to talk; apologizing for things Joana doesn’t know if she can forgive.

Cris scoffs “What do you want to talk about then? Cause you didn’t answer the question about why you moved here either”. Cris will probably never get used to how easily it happens that Joanas mood changes. It often feels like you are walking around in a dark room and you hold onto the wall and try to get to the bed and then you accidentally touch the switch. And bam. It is one of the thing that annoyed Cris the most during their relationship but at the same time she loved her for it just as much. “Joana, I still – “

Joana bites the inside of her cheek, tasting the blood inside her mouth already “Okay, I changed my mind. I don’t want to talk.” She doesn’t look at Cris and instead looks straight ahead “I want you to go”.

“Tell me what I should do”, Cris whispers, not planning on doing what Joana had just told her. She was not going to leave. Ignoring that command just as Joana has ignored her question about moving. 

Joana stands up, shaking her head rapidity and turns to the door. But Cris stands up next to her, stopping her from leaving. “Tell me what I should do, Joana” Cris’ mouth is the only thing present in this moment, her upper body nonexistent, her legs jello.

Joana still doesn’t look at her; scared that looking at her would only confuse her more. As Joana doesn’t answer, the frustration takes over Cris’ body, her words using up all the strength her body has left “Should I scream how sorry I am? Should I wish for a traumatic situation that makes me need to prove it? Or should I just leave and wait for you to contact me?  Should I just give up on us? I-I just..”, Cris sights, her voice cracking as she looks up at Joana who is still not looking at her “I don’t know what you need me to do.. Joana please, just tell me what to do”

“I need you to not have walked away”

She doesn’t say it harshly, her voice trembling and sad, but that doesn’t make them hurt any less. Cris’ face breaks, the tears dwelling in her eyes immediately as she leans down “Joana..”. Saying her name just makes the sting in her chest tighten the knot in her chest “I can’t change that anymore..”

Cris can feel Joanas body shift as she turns to look at her; now Cris being the one that doesn’t look up. “Just admit that you never were in love with me and we can move on..”, Joana says calmly, almost soft, as if saying this is the only way she could forgive Cris. As if the only way for it to be true  is that it never meant anything at all.  

The sound of her words echo in the whole room leaving Cris speechless, limbless in front of the girl she loves. Cris goes pale and everything start bottling up inside her: Anger, sadness, frustration, love, regret, absence; nothing making sense. “Do you seriously think that? After everything?”, Cris’ voice breaks and now the last bit of her body gives up and the tears start dwelling up, leaving her no choice than to just let them drop.

„Joana, when I think of love.. I think of you” As she says it all the strength she tried to hold onto vanishes, and her face sinks into her chest as if her skeleton was just a myth.

It’s silent for a while, only their breathing and crying audible, until Joana speaks again. 

“How can you love someone and still leave them to drown?”. Her words, again, hitting her like daggers.

And suddenly, out of nowhere, Cris’ lungs start working again; her heart beating faster begging her to just try try try. The daggers working like a wakeup-call whilst knowing that whatever explanation she’d give her it would never turn back time. But she would try.

“I just.. I-I was lost.. It was like I wasn’t even in my body anymore and just watched me from the outside as if I was watching a film.”, Cris tries to explain, her words chaoticly coming out of her mouth “I just wanted to scream at the main character to wake up, but she wouldn’t listen to me. I wanted to slap the emptiness out of her and make her realize that everything she wants and everything she needs is right in front of her nose. And..”, her voice breaks as she looks at her feet “And that she was fucking everything up”. She starts crying and covers her face with her hands “But instead of the emptiness to leave it just spread everywhere until the only thing that made sense was to leave”.

“So you just decided you needed me and then you decided you don’t”

“No I..”

“You saw a chance to run and you took it.”. Dagger. Dagger. Dagger. Hitting Cris one after the other, not letting Cris take a breath.

“No Joana, seriously I-“

”And now you’re acting like an asshole, Cris”, Joana shouts and looks away again, as she drags her hands through her hair, pulling at it to overdraw the pain. 

“How am I acting like an asshole??”, Cris shouts. The frustration being the only thing inside her; the only thing she can hold onto. She doesn’t know how her body gets up the strength to keep all her organs intact. It’s like she forgot how to breath; she doesn’t know how her feet keep her up; doesn’t know how her heart is still beating. Sometimes it stunned Cris, how your body keeps on going while everything inside you just wants to give up.

Joana starts laughing and bites her lip “Okay, wow.. Let me break it down to you then”, she snarks “First, you broke up with me”, her voice gets louder “Second, you left and cut contact, third, you came back acting like you didn’t leave a freaking mess behind”. 

She throws her hands in the air and her fingernails cut her face as she brushes over it fiercely “But most importantly you’re acting like an asshole because you don’t have the fucking decency to admit that you left because you were sick of me.” 

Cris’ eyes widen, and Joana keeps on, her voice becoming even louder than before, almost screaming at the blonde in front of her “You were sick of me. You were sick of me being complicated…”, Joana keeps going, her heart pounding to the beat of her thoughts, that she has kept in for so long “You were sick of ME and you were done!”, Joana yells and Cris lets her. Her voice is sour and high pitched and broken; all in one.

When Joana’s done, Cris closes her eyes, her face feels hot and her tears being fire burning every part of her skin that they roll over.  “I didn’t leave because of you,”. That’s all she manages to say, her voice having dried out from all the crying, not knowing what other ways there are to explain it to her. 

“Yeah but you didn’t stay because of me either”, Joana counters, her voice being completely still, almost distant, as if she didn’t shout a couple seconds beforehand. She was shutting down.

“Joana… I-I loved you more than anything”, Cris whimpers and leans into Joana, in need of her touch, in need of her heartbeat on her, in need of her. She hugs her chest, pressing herself closer to her “I loved you with everything I am”.  Trying to convince her that things are not always black and white is like swimming against the flood or trying to beat a faster runner.

Her smeared face is pressed against Joanas chest that rises up and down and she feels both of their tears running down her face as she keeps on talking “But I still needed to go”.

Joana is stiff and Cris feels like she’s leaning against a cold wall with nowhere else to turn to. Slowly Joana touches Cris’ shoulders and pushes her off of her. Cris’ body is limbless, her skeleton a myth and her mind blank. She doesn’t know what else to say. 

“We should stop acting like there’s…”, Joana says, tears rolling down her cheeks as well and she points between both of them, not looking at Cris directly “that there’s hope”

“Joana, no..” is all that Cris manages to answer and she leans into Joanas body again only to be shoved into no-man’s-land by Joanas fingers, not giving her any comfort.

“Maybe we can be friends again”, Joana laughs out  crying  and bites her lip for comfort  “A-g-a-i-n.. I don’t really think we ever were friends”

“Joana no. I know I fucked up but we can fix it.”, Cris cries out “We can! I know we belong together. We can fix it!”

“Love shouldn’t need fixing, Cris”

[ninemoons42-lestallumhaven]

This was supposed to be a snippet, @voxiferous! What the hell happened to my brain! I am so sorry! (And if you’re okay with this I’ll post it to AO3 later?) (Also yes, that’s the song for today, from me)

Credits: Lisa Macuja in La Bayadere // Cross My Heart by DAY-BREAK

ninemoons42 writes: cry havoc and kick up your heels

Spring, coil, flex, and he literally hears the words in Ignis’s voice and he can’t be mad, can’t fault the other man, because the words really do help, but -- maybe not when he suddenly switches back from the kind of thinking that lives in his bones and nerves and pure skin-knowledge to the kind of thinking that lives mostly in his mind, and that not always attached to the rest of him: he’s coming down, he’s falling fast, the high evaporates, and he hits the floor on flexed feet and bent knees and -- he growls, and says, “Stop playback,” and the music in the room cuts off on the voice command.

Fuck’s sakes, Noctis Lucis Caelum thinks, and very carefully keeps his gaze locked on his turned-out feet. It’s just a delay. It’s just a small setback, all things considered. It’s a damned accident, and nothing more. The world will keep, and he’ll keep going. It’s bad fucking luck. Ravus Nox Fleuret will make a full recovery in two months. Things will get back on track.

So now Noctis can’t dance and now Noctis can’t concentrate, either, not long enough to hang on to the same damned warmup routine he’s been following for the past year.

Beneath his feet the wooden planking creaks gently, softly, almost reassuringly. Dark-gray knots and burls in fine-planed honey-colored wood, the grain still mostly free of the little cracks and craters left behind by too many practicing feet, too many hard landings.

He sits, hard, and curls up into a small tight knot of misery and muscle, and in the process he catches sight of himself in the three mirrored walls and he sees a small boy, a miserable boy, hunched over and trying not to cry, reflected and reflected again. Infinity of images, his own childhood instead of who and what he is now, every other step like distilled agony as he learned to get back on his feet, and this is bad, if he’s flashing back to that part of his life when he’s here in a safe space.

Maybe Luna is right, after all, and he has to stop dancing for a few days.

He certainly isn’t going to do himself any favors, if he winds up injuring himself through careless practice, and then he’ll go down as Ravus did and for the same damned reasons, and he might as well forget about doing the show completely, and that will be six years of groundwork and heartbreak and joy and pain and truths with teeth in them, all gone, all gone forever, worse for having missed its moment.

He sobs, once, and tells himself he’s okay.

Thump, from somewhere nearby.

Thump. Thump. Again and again and again.

He leans into the sound, grateful, trying to figure out what it is, and the synapses in his mind fire and fire again, filtering, and -- definitely a human body, he thinks, someone is definitely moving around and making those sounds. Resilient, for the most part, except when there’s a harder or a softer sound and, and. It sounds like being out of practice, and Noctis hides his smile in his knees and his crossed arms, his smile and his sympathy, because: whoever is making those sounds is expressing exactly how he feels right now, and he’s grateful.

Grateful enough that he realizes he’s being rude, using someone else’s dancing practice to sort his own tangled knots of feeling out, and that person entirely unknowing, therefore being used.

Noctis has been used too many times in his life -- short as that life is and has been -- and he’s not going to keep on using this person.

He’s going to get up and thank them, now.

And he glances at himself in the mirror, and there’s nothing to be done for the sweat and the spikes in his hair, the remnants of an outbreak of zits below his right ear, the gnarled knots in his hands, the ruin of his feet with the callouses and the too-visible veins.

Soft bedroom slippers on, fuzzy fur lining and houndstooth check, and he wraps the dark green fleece blanket that he carries around with him everywhere around his shoulders. Damned drafty dance studios anyway. Out the door of his practice room, and he closes one eye, follows the thumps as they peter off and --

There’s the only open door, halfway down the corridor. No one is mad enough to come to this place on the outskirts of the city at some ungodly hour just past sunrise, and he’s only here himself because he’d gotten out of his bed and the clutch of the nightmares and he’d refused to go back to sleep, and he has keys to this place and he knows the owner, because that owner is named Ignis Scientia.

He’s actually half-expecting Ignis himself to be at the barre. Wouldn’t put it past him.

But he steps into the open doorway and -- that’s not Ignis, not even by any stretch of the imagination.

For one thing, it’s been years since Ignis hung up his pointe shoes.

For another, Ignis doesn’t wear his glasses when he practices.

The guy in the room is dressed in such a strange clash of everything that Noctis almost forgets to breathe, cataloging.

Splash of red-green-black-yellow in the unbuttoned plaid shirt over white dancing clothes, but the thing that catches Noctis’s attention is the clean line of the man’s body, as he breathes and balances and lifts himself, all his weight on one leg and then he carefully rises on to his toes, so he would actually be addressing the door and the people watching near it, if he were looking up.

Noctis watches him straighten his knees and shoulders, and flick out the hand he’s holding over his head, so the fingers fan out into a sort of winged shape. His other hand he holds just at the level of his own eyes, and he flicks that, too, fingers splayed out.

Steady, steady, one foot on the ground, and the one in the air moves, hair’s-breadths, up and up and the man bends a little at the hip to accommodate that rise, to stay gracefully balanced, till that leg in the air is straight out and the top of his foot is turned completely in Noctis’s direction.

Irrationally Noctis thinks of the impossibly petite maestra he’d only met once, at fortysomething only thinking of going into retirement, and still able to wring joyful tears from her adoring audiences -- Kitri had been one of her signature roles, one she’d recently and tearfully had to leave behind, and the man in the practice room has almost got the right tilt in his head to be playing that tragic role, if only it hadn’t been for the clench in his jaw line, and the heavy frames of his eyeglasses.

But as if the man had been reading his thoughts: the man wobbles, and his nose scrunches up, and he suddenly sneezes -- the sound echoes in the practice room, and the man groans, laughs, falls easily out of his pose. “Fucking,” the man begins, with a soft snort.

And his eyes come up.

Noctis is treated to a bright blue-eyed stare that the glasses can’t hope at all to contain, and a red flush appearing all at once in freckled cheeks and -- shoulders, of all the things.

But those eyes sweep up and down and he’s not ashamed of his blanket or his slippers and -- the man laughs, bending back a little over his feet in fifth position. “Nice outfit.”

Hearty and sweet and not unkind at all.

“Same to you,” Noctis says, and allows himself a grin. “With that plaid and all.”

“It keeps me warm. I’m cold all the time.” That flush surges again. “You watching long? You gonna tell me something’s wrong with, I dunno, my knees or my shoulders?”

He’s smiling, but his shoulders are coming up, moving up, and Noctis holds his hands up, palms facing out. “Critique is not what I came here for. Who wants to do that at fuck o’clock in the morning anyway? I came here because I wanted to -- thank you.”

Blink. Blink.

Those blue eyes are very distracting, he thinks, with the emotions he can almost see clearly.

“What’d I do, except -- fuck up Kitri?”

“I never said anything about fucking anything up. You were practicing,” Noctis says, honestly. “And I was -- fucking everything up my own self. So I listened to you. You sounded like you knew what you were doing.”

The man laughs again.

But this time it’s a broken small laugh.

“You’re a little late, aren’t you? That was me pretty much five years ago. So not the me of today. I don’t know what I’m doing. I didn’t even know why I wanted to try and do Kitri, a little. I haven’t danced in five years.”

“With your form like that?” With difficulty Noctis swallows his surprise.

Shrug, that only looks careless.

And the way he turns away, the corner of his lip coming crooked and sad.

Noctis clenches his hand into a fist.

And says, “I’ll be right back.”

Runs back to his practice room and picks up his music player and hustles, and he throws the little device at the blond -- he picks the heavy square and its trailing wires out of the air, easily, and tilts his head. “And?”

“Play,” Noctis says: voice command.

Swish and flurry of cymbals and synths, and a driving rhythm of electric guitars, and the music is enough to fill up this half of the practice room.

Maybe enough for the two of them.

Noctis steps into the room, fully, and tilts his head as the melody develops and the vocalist begins to sing: “Come on, just – move.

“Dance with me.”

He begins with the sweep of his leg and his hand, whirling, trying to express the song -- he only knows what it means because he looked up a translation of the lyrics -- and he’s leaping and twirling into the deceptive chorus, even-keeled but there are such currents beneath the words, and --

On the last line of the refrain the blond pushes into his space, catches up his hands, and into the bridge -- they’re dancing, together, and one moment Noctis leads, the next he’s easily yielding, the two of them leaping and breaking together, freestyling without any form of second-guessing, and he breaks away to fly out into a series of jetes and his partner leaps beautifully after him --

When the refrain rolls around again he takes the man’s hand and whirls him around, guides him through an improvised pas de deux, and -- the moment is broken when he fumbles the last step and the blond just laughs and springs away into one more pirouette -- apparently just for the hell of it.

And Noctis is grinning, and feels the stretch of that grin all the way down into his toes. The warmth of the man’s hands, the flyaway lines of his hair. “That form,” Noctis says. “That’s what I was talking about. You’re good, and more than that, you’re talented.”

“And I know who you are, and what you mean when you talk about form,” is the response. “You’re not bullshitting me, are you? Noctis Caelum?”

“I really am not. I have literally no reason to,” he says, as open as he can make himself be. “And I don’t know who you are, so I don’t have any reason to be an asshole, either.”

“I’m no one,” is the response, sliversharp grin still fixed on that mouth. “Just -- someone from out there. Prompto Argentum’s the name.”

“Well you need to dance, Prompto,” Noctis says. “Seems you can’t not. Five years is nothing. You’ve got something in you that you need to let out and this is the only place you can do it.”

To his relief, Prompto’s rigid smile falls away, relaxes, into something more real. Freckles stippling the corners of his mouth. “You probably know that one just as well as I do.”

Noctis nods, once.

Wills him to believe it.