#he's making kazoo noises

[chickensaredoodling]

Happy Chinese and Lunar New Year to everyone who celebrated! Have a great year of the dragon 🐉 ✨

[minubell]

How would the nazgul react to someone screaming back? Or pulling out a Kazoo?

Probably still just stab them yeah.

[immoralfag]

I have died. Badly.

[ckret2]

Chapter 47 of human Bill Cipher thinking that being imprisoned in the Mystery Shack is looking pretty good right now:

The Eclipse: Part 5

Bill and Ford are just... so energized and enthusiastic after their near death experience. Not to mention fashionable.

But they've got nothing on Dipper.

And, at long last, Ford and Dipper badger Bill—who's just too tired to lie—into explaining what kind of an "eclipse" involves a giant flying axolotl making gravity disappear.

####

When they reached the cave, Ford discovered that his antique lantern was too waterlogged to light.

"I'm not sure how we're getting to the top now," Ford said. The cavern directly behind the waterfall had some ambient lighting, but it wouldn't carry very far. "I know you can see, but I don't trust you to lead me through a cave system in the dark, no offense." He was surprised at himself for saying no offense.

"If I was planning to let you fall off a cliff, I could've saved myself a swim in the lake." Bill had taken off his backpack and was rummaging through it. "Didn't your lantern go out when you took four-eyes hiking through here? You should have learned your lesson."

Bill must have meant Fiddleford, though it was strange to hear him single out Fiddleford as "four-eyes" when Ford wore glasses too. "I did learn my lesson. I brought three flashlights as backup," Ford said. "Which are in Dipper's backpack."

Bill laughed weakly.

"Did you bring a flashlight?"

"Better." Bill pulled out a kazoo. He blew a stream of water from it, shook it, and then took a deep breath and played a long high note that wavered up and down.

Ford cringed at the noise. "Bill, what—?"

Bill held up a finger to silence Ford. Okay, fine. He was curious now.

It took a few moments of increasingly irritating kazoo playing, but Ford heard a soft clinking sound coming from the deeper caverns; and then several geodites—small creatures that looked like stone orbs with crystal limbs and teeth and glowing eyes—curiously emerged into the main cavern. Ford hadn't seen these creatures since he'd documented them in the eighties. He hadn't known they could be summoned via kazoo. They began making a high pitched humming along with Bill's kazooing. 

"There you are." Bill stuffed the kazoo into his backpack and crouched down, holding out a hand until a couple of geodites crept closer to inspect it; and then he scooped up the closest one. The others startled into breaking off singing, but hovered nearby, chirping and clicking. "Okay, grab a flashlight." The light the geodites' eyes gave off wasn't very bright; but it was enough for Ford to see Bill's smug smirk. They proceeded into the caves, and a dozen-odd more geodites—perhaps out of curiosity, perhaps out of concern for the two hostages—followed along behind them.

The climb went much slower than it had just a few hours earlier. Unsurprisingly, without low gravity on his side, Bill was the holdup this time. Not only was he not as experienced in spelunking as Ford, but between his waterlogged dress shoes and his borrowed trout slippers he didn't have any appropriate footwear, and he'd elected to carefully climb barefoot again. When Ford had climbed up this path with Fiddleford in the 80s, it had been a six hour climb. He had no idea how long it would take with Bill.

But even at that, Ford hadn't expected Bill to need to pause so often to get his energy back. It seemed like the more Ford recovered from their fall in the lake, the weaker Bill got. In any other situation, he'd suspect Bill of slowing them down on purpose, but after... well, even that aside, Ford couldn't think of any reason Bill would want to delay getting home.

"It's just this body that's dizzy," Bill said, the fourth time they had to stop for him to sit. "Probably one of those... counterproductive stress reactions human bodies get." He wiped a film of sweat off his forehead, then stopped to examine how his hand trembled when his geodite's spotlight eyes fixed on it. "That or it's because I've only had a handful of cereal for the past two days."

Ford stared at him. "You what? Why?"

Bill shrugged. "Body wouldn't let me get more down. Wasn't my idea."

"Well, for goodness's sake, eat something now."

Bill took off his backpack, pulled out a cereal box, and opened it. He grimaced. He poured out a puddle of sugary lake water and dissolved cereal.

Of course. "Here." Ford pulled a tube of astronaut meat out of his backpack and offered it over. "It's not the most nutritionally complete meal supplement, but it's something. It'll have protein."

Bill took the tube with a grimace, but squeezed out a dollop of meat paste and licked it; and then he gagged so hard he doubled over. He clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from retching and offered the tube back. "Mmmf." The geodite hopped out of his lap in alarm and retreated to the group of hangers-on traveling with them.

The meat paste wasn't great, but that was a disproportionate reaction out of the alien who liked to mix chocolate sauce and mustard. This was a bigger problem than Ford had anticipated. "Keep it. If you can get down even a tiny bit every few minutes, that's better than nothing."

Bill nodded jerkily.

"I think it's better if we reach Dipper and get out of here as soon as possible."

Bill nodded more enthusiastically.

What would they do if Bill couldn't make it the whole way? Would Ford have to leave him in the cave and come back for him later? Ford hadn't tied the infinity belt's cable to Bill like he'd meant to, he just realized. It seemed unnecessarily cruel to try now; but it might be useful if he did have to leave Bill behind. He didn't know that they had any better option, he couldn't carry Bill all the way up and down. Especially since Bill had let go of his geodite, and Ford suspected the rest might abandon them if he put down his own...

They'd have to figure that out if it came to it. For now, they kept walking—Ford glancing back regularly to check on Bill, and Bill pretending he didn't notice.

####

After another half hour and another two increasingly frequent breaks, Ford saw a faint light in the tunnels ahead—yellow-white, not like the geodites' natural blues and purples. "Bill, is that...?"

"Hm?" Bill looked in the direction Ford was pointing. His right eye twitched, and then he had to squeeze his eyes shut in pain. "Yep. Boy child at 12 o'clock."

Ford called out, "Dipper?"

"Great Uncle Ford!" Dipper's voice echoed through the caves. There was a sound of clattering rocks as Dipper scrabbled down the tunnel to join them. The geodites scattered in fear, peering out from behind stalagmites as Dipper's flashlight swept over the scene. "Grunkle Ford! Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. Are you—?"

Dipper collided with Ford to hug him. (Ford held his geodite out to the side so he could return a one-armed hug.) "I'm so sorry I saw you go over the cliff but I couldn't do anything I was in the mindscape the whole time something sucked my soul out of my body—"

"Not it, I'm innocent," Bill said unnecessarily, "nobody look at me." He'd taken advantage of the break to immediately sit on the ground. His abandoned geodite crept back over to check on him.

"—and—and wow, that was the Axolotl you were talking about, right?" Dipper let go of Ford to gesture like a fisherman demonstrating the size of an enormous catch, "It was huge, it had to be—I don't know, as long as the county? The whole state? How did it get so big? Is the Axolotl an alien or some kind of mutant Earth axolotl? Are all axolotls aliens—?"

"Now, hold on," Ford said, putting a hand on Dipper's shoulder, "what huge axolotl? What are you talking about?"

"You didn't see it?" Dipper paused, looked Ford up and down, and said, "What are you wearing?"

Ford grimaced, tugged his bandanna up a little higher, and turned his geodite away when it tried to aim its spotlight eyes at his neck to see what he was doing. "We had to borrow some dry clothes."

"He couldn't see the Axolotl," Bill said. "You shouldn't have, either."

"Sor-ry. Getting sucked out of my body wasn't my idea—"

"Hold on," Ford said again. "What do you mean, sucked out of your body?"

As they headed back down toward the waterfall, Dipper and Ford exchanged their versions of events. It didn't take long for them to realize Bill had saved both their lives with a swift efficiency that, had it been applied to any less altruistic a task, could have been called "ruthless." They didn't say anything, but neither one could stop from glancing back toward Bill.

"What?" he snapped, clinging to his geodite a little tighter like he thought they were planning to take it. "I don't owe you an explanation. You're not dead! Be grateful. Stop looking at me."

They stopped looking at him. Bill should be gloating about them owing him their lives. He should be convincing them they had to pay back their debt. Silence alone would have been worrying; but bristling like he wanted them to forget what he'd done was baffling.

As Dipper finished explaining his version of events, he said, "I think I remember meeting the Axolotl before—like you said." He directed this last comment back over his shoulder toward Bill.

Bill—whose entire attention had been focused for the last ten minutes on walking without collapsing, tripping, or dropping his geodite—simply muttered, "My condolences."

"Wait," Ford said, "You've... met a giant invisible axolotl before?"

"Mabel and I both did."

"When?"

Dipper opened his mouth, paused, and glanced back again at Bill for help.

It took a few seconds for Bill to register the question. "Oh—they've never met before. Not in this reality."

Exasperated, Dipper asked, "Then why do I remember it?"

"I told you—echoes," Bill said. When Dipper continued giving him an expectant look, Bill sighed deeply and said, "This is an embarrassing oversimplification, but you're at least familiar with the concept of branching timelines, right?"

"Of course I am. Every time you make a decision, the timeline splits into two paths—"

"Cute that you think it caps out at two," Bill said. "And a decision doesn't always split the timeline, sometimes the branches collapse back together depending on the gravity of the decision you made. I don't literally mean a decision 'you' made—you've never made a decision that important—but sure, you've got the basic idea."

"Fine," Dipper snapped. "So I met it on another branch, right? When?"

"Never," Bill said.

"Okay. Yes. But there is a branch where... some version of me met it. Right?"

"It depends on how you define 'is.'"

Dipper puffed out his cheeks with the effort of restraining a yell. He looked at Ford for either help or sympathy.

Ford winked surreptitiously at Dipper and said, "It's probably some complicated chronological issue. I doubt Bill can explain it in a way humans can understand." Under his breath, he loudly muttered, "Some 'teacher.'"

Bill straight-armed Ford aside to walk beside Dipper. "You humans have no sense of humor," he said. "I said you met him never because it's literally true. You had an accident that landed you in a time and space outside time and space—the meeting happened never and nowhere. It's where he prefers to take visitors. That timeline terminated after your meeting—and I don't mean you died, I mean he terminated that entire timeline."

"Really?" Dipper shivered. "With... With everyone in it? Why did he do that? Did something dangerous happen in that timeline, or was it unstable, or...?"

"That's how he usually ends casual meet-and-greets," Bill said. "Higher dimensional beings. He sees your reality from a perspective unimaginable to you. Remember when I told you you're just a movie projecting on a wall to him; he's got no problem with pulling the film out of the reel to inspect a few frames and then turning the entire projector off when he's done. What does he care if that's somebody's entire reality?" He paused to think that over. "Maybe the projector metaphor's getting strained. Imagine flipping through a book with all the pages out of order, and meeting him is like somehow flipping to a page outside the book... No, that's a little too contrived. I'll stick with the projector."

"When did we... when would we have met him?" Dipper asked. "And—when I say 'when' I mean—you know what I mean."

"You mean, when would you have made the decisions that could have led to you meeting him? Depending on your perspective, either last August or 207̃05. Time travel was involved."

"Last August..." Dipper thought back. "Was that when we were—?"

"Treasure hunting, yeah. By the by, I never asked—" Bill gestured vaguely around them at everything in general, "—which dimension did I end up in? Is this the one where you went hunting in the 1400s or 1800s?"

"Uh—1800s."

"Hm. Knew this wasn't a 207̃05 treasure hunt timeline, Questiony doesn't have a pet enslaved time pirate."

"A what?"

"So you never had a chance of meeting the Axolotl anyway," Bill said. "Hey, fun fact! Did you know there's a time pocket where twelve million alternate versions of you, your sister, and the puppet with the goggles failed at your quest and plummeted out of time? I wonder how long the last of them survived! I meant to check in after Weirdmageddon. Human flesh isn't that nutritious and doesn't have much water, but with millions of bodies and a little determination— Hey, wanna know how long you all were there before you started resorting to cannibalism—?"

"No," Ford said before Dipper had to. "And I'll thank you not to get off topic to try to give my gnephew more nightmares."

Bill shot him a sideways glance. "Remind me to tell you about the time pocket formed by all the timelines where you and Specs did your first portal test without checking your math."

"So if I wasn't even supposed to meet him—how did I see him today?" Dipper asked. "Did he pull me out of my body into the mindscape so we could talk, or...? But he didn't even tell me anything, was he just trying to get me to remember meeting him in the terminated timeline—?"

"He wasn't trying to do anything," Bill said. "He wasn't here for you, he didn't care. Shadow on the wall."

"Then what was he here for? You?"

It took Bill too long to answer. He just shrugged vaguely. "Probably not."

"Huh." Instead of questioning Bill, Dipper briefly turned introspective himself, gaze far away and thoughtful. "I think I remember a little more about meeting the Axolotl now. The first time, I mean."

"Oh, do you?" Bill asked. "Ha! Poor kid."

"Mabel and I were in some kind of rocket car?" Dipper's brows furrowed in concentration. "And the Axolotl had a... bean bag chair?"

Bill scoffed. "He still has that old thing?! Wow."

"It was really comfortable."

"It's also really tacky."

"You talked about him like he was some kind of... of big... eldritch cosmic horror thing," Dipper said. "What kind of a cosmic horror has bean bag chairs?"

"What, do you think being a vast multidimensional amphibious monstrosity with an incomprehensible mind and a body that can only been seen in lower dimensions as grotesque shapeshifting cross-sections protects you from having bad taste? He'll flay your sanity straight out of your gray matter—and you won't even have the comfort of knowing your mind-shredder had nice interior decor sensibilities!"

"I can sympathize with the experience," Ford muttered. "I was driven to the brink of paranoid madness by a nightmare demon who thinks Doric columns go with checkerboard flooring."

Bill let out a shrill "Ha!" and smacked Ford's shoulder.

"But he remembered me when we met," Dipper went on. "He told me to say hi to Mabel. And—the last time we met, we—talked. I don't remember it all yet, but... you were wrong about him. There was nothing insanity-inducing about him. He was just... nice."

"You don't think the madness sets in all at once, do you?" Bill turned back to Dipper, with an air of what Ford uncomfortably felt like was ill intent. "Go on then—what did you talk about? You can't remember it, can you? Why not? Just a harmless little conversation, right?"

Dipper frowned in thought. "There was something important, but—I can't remember what it was. What was it?" He muttered, "I know it was something important—"

"And there we go!" Bill gestured at Dipper with a flourish, triumphant. "Now you're digging for the significance of the whole thing. You're trying to comprehend the motives of something that has a state of existence your mind wasn't built to understand! You'll either go mad trying to understand his motives—or you'll go mad because you do understand. You're doomed now, kid—this is gonna haunt you for the rest of your days." He laughed. "Try to stop thinking about it now while you're ahead!"

"I'm not going insane," Dipper said. "Just shut up, I'm trying to remember."

"'I'm not obsessed, I swear! I can stop thinking about it any time I want!' Sure."

"Shut up," Dipper repeated. "It had to have been something important! Otherwise why would he dragged me out of my body and—and shown me the fourth dimension just so I could meet him?"

"Don't sound so self-important! You never saw the fourth dimension; if you had, you wouldn't think he looks like an axolotl. He visited this dimension's mindscape," Bill said. "And he didn't even mean to drag you into the mindscape! It was just a side-effect of his gravitational pull. He tugged you toward him just like everything else in town; but Earth'sgravity doesn't extend through planes like the mindscape, and his does. Yanked your spirit right out of your body."

"Then why was I the only one?" Dipper demanded. "Why didn't you or Grunkle Ford leave your bodies?"

"Your spirit's more loosely attached to your body than ours."

"Why?!"

For a moment, Bill's face twisted with displeasure; and then he sighed in resignation. "Ah, heck with it. You've been astral projecting."

Dipper's mouth worked uselessly. He croaked, "What?"

"It's when you—"

"I know what it is! I mean—what? How? When?"

"At least as long as I've been here. How long have you been having those out-of-body dreams?"

"Y—!" Dipper socked Bill's arm. Bill didn't even flinch. "You said those were nightmares!"

"And I lied," Bill said tiredly.

"Why?!"

"Thought you'd be annoying about it."

"I've been dealing with this all year, you—!" Dipper groaned in aggravation. "Why am I astral projecting! I wasn't trying to learn or anything!"

"How should I know, I wasn't around. Best guess, I think I ripped up the Velcro sticking your soul to your body when I yanked you out to puppet it," Bill said. "Oops."

Dipper gaped at him in outrage. "'Oops'?! That's all you can— I've been terrified and I thought it was a nightmare and it was real all along and it was all your fault and you won't even—"

"I knew you'd be annoying."

"I'm annoying?! How would you like it if you'd spent a year getting dragged out of your body in your sleep—!"

Bill abruptly stopped walking, turned toward Dipper, and said with an intensity that startled Dipper into silence, "You don't have the slightest idea how much I'd like it. How would you like it if you'd been trying for weeks t—" Bill cut himself off before he could get more heated; and instead, only said, "If you. Wanted to get out of your body. And couldn't. And some brat down the hall is doing it without even trying."

Dipper remained frozen, jaw locked tight in a grimace, until Bill turned away and trudged on. Dipper snapped, "But I don't want to do it. And it's your fault I am."

"Great. Nobody's satisfied." Bill sighed. "Make the most of it. Watch late night TV. Learn to meditate or something, I don't care. You've got nothing to worry about, it's harmless." He paused. "As long as nothing else crawls in your body while you're outside of it."

"WHAT?!"

"It's fine. Nothing'll get you in the shack through the unicorn hair barri... hm. Well—you're safe in the shack."

"But I have to go home at the end of summer! Will something be able to get me then?!"

Bill shrugged. "Hypothetically."

"Am I gonna die?!"

"Given my understanding of human mortality? Sure, sooner or later. Wanna hear your top five most likely causes of death?"

"No! Is it possible to—to stop? Can I control the astral projecting?"

"Yeah, sure, I guess. Ask me next time you're out of your body. I'll show you"

"Can't you show me n—"

"No. Not while you're in your body."

Dipper scowled. "Fine! Next time I'm projecting, I'm kicking you awake until you help me." He turned away from Bill; and, after a moment of fuming, mumbled to himself, "If I've been astral projecting... then that time I visited the neighbors... oh, man..." He trailed off, getting lost in his own thoughts.

Keeping silent during that discussion had been agony for Ford.

Every few seconds, he'd wanted to butt in either to eagerly ask for more information about the Axolotl or astral projection, or—far more often—to express his rage on Dipper's behalf, that Bill (of course!) had put him through this, and then not even had the decency (of course!) to try to rectify it.

But it was Dipper's conversation. It was about Dipper's problem, and anyway Dipper had been trying so long to pry some sort of useful information out of Bill—it would be cruel of Ford to snatch the conversation away from him when he was finally getting somewhere. He'd have a lot to discuss with Dipper once they were home and could get away from Bill.

But staying outside the conversation had let him observe three points he might have otherwise missed.

One: Bill really wasn't himself. Back when he'd been playing as Ford's muse, whenever he got to answer questions, he'd always done it with an air of theatricality and barely-suppressed glee; and after he'd given up that act, he'd answered questions with smug arrogance, the glee turned to sadistic delight at the bad news he could deliver. Now, he simply answered them. Even his attempts to be condescending gradually got less enthusiastic until they petered out completely.

Two: Bill was answering questions he never would have answered that morning. After telling them as little as he could about the thing coming to Gravity Falls, even trying to avoid admitting it was the Axolotl, now he was freely talking about the Axolotl's taste in furniture as though he knew the beast personally. After hiding that Dipper was astral projecting for over a month, he simply told him. Heck with it. He'd admitted it was probably his fault. He'd said the last two words Ford had ever thought he'd hear come out of Bill's mouth: I lied.

Three: this was the longest Bill had walked without needing a break all day. His voice was stronger. His steps were more steady. Ford had even seen him squeeze out a few dollops of astronaut paste between comments—and he struggled to make himself swallow, but he didn't gag.

And now that Dipper had stopped asking him about the Axolotl and about astral projection, Bill's footing was growing less certain again. He wove unsteadily on the path and had to pause to lean a hand on a stalactite, taking deep breaths. "Gimme a second."

Bill was distracting himself. He was keeping himself going through conversation, the simple ritual of receiving and answering questions. Ford understood: sometimes, in desperate circumstances, you had to burn yourself out to get somewhere safe enough to collapse and recover. When you had no choice but to push yourself, the best thing you could do was think about anything but your exhausted, failing body. It made it easier to keep moving and burn through what energy you had left.

Ford had once wondered if his "muse" was some manner of creature that was compelled to answer the questions his protégés asked him. This was perhaps the closest Bill had ever gotten to actually being such an entity: answering questions because he had to to go on, and willing to give away almost anything as long as it kept him moving.

Ford stopped next to Bill. "So. The Axolotl was the source of your 'gravitational eclipse,' I suppose."

"Astute observation," Bill said flatly.

"I take it that it isn't 'eclipsing' gravity so much as canceling it out. The Axolotl must have a mass similar to Earth's, if the force it exerts flying by above us is nearly identical to the force of Earth below us."

"More or less."

"But according to Dipper's observations, this Axolotl is only the size of Oregon at most. Did he underestimate its size? Or perhaps it's incredibly dense...?"

Bill gave Ford a sharp sideways glance. Were this any other conversation on any other day, this would be when the gloating started. Well, well, well, look who finally believes I was telling the truth, finally crawling back to me to give you all the answers you can't find yourself— But Bill only looked away again, pushed himself back upright, and kept walking. "You're the square looking at the sphere and thinking it's a circle," Bill said. "The majority of the Axolotl's mass is in dimensions you can't see. The little bit of him that's visible in the mindscape is just a... a feeler. Or an anglerfish's lure. The rest of him is close enough to exert a gravitational pull—but not in a dimension you can see."

"Which dimensions does he exist in?"

"I can't tell you because your species knows so little about them that the answer wouldn't mean anything. You haven't even decided whether or not you want to officially call the dimension that time shines from the 'fourth' dimension—I could tell you he comes from the seventeenth dimension and it wouldn't mean anything but an impressively high number to you."

Dubiously, Ford asked, "Does he come from the seventeenth?"

Bill waved a hand vaguely. "Heck if I know. The most I've ever seen at once is nine, and I was on a lot of psychedelics at the time. My eyeball popped."

"Eugh." 

"Worth it, though. If you ever wanna feel cosmically insignificant in the most breathtakingly beautiful way possible, and you don't mind going blind, let me know. I think I can remember most of what I was on."

"Pass," Ford said. "If the Axolotl is so enormous, then why was only Gravity Falls affected by its gravity? At a minimum, shouldn't have the rest of the Pacific Northwest been impacted—if not the whole planet?"

"He wasn't near the rest of the Pacific Northwest. In the third dimension, Gravity Falls is obviously connected to Oregon; but in higher dimensions, it's..." He tried unsuccessfully to pantomime something mountainlike. "Imagine if the second dimension were a flat sheet of stretchy fabric. If somebody plucked the fabric up in the middle and made a peak, a creature living on the surface of the fabric would still be able to travel across its slope like it was flat, right?"

Ford tried to visualize Bill's description. "Right."

"And so if a fly flew past the peak of the fabric, it'd cross near whatever town's at that peak without getting near the towns at the bottom of the slope."

"Rrright."

"That's what Gravity Falls looks like from the fourth dimension," Bill said. "In the third dimension you can't see anything, but to fourth dimensional beings it sticks out of the fabric of spacetime like a thousand mile high pillar in the middle of a desert. That's why Time Baby put his capitol here."

Now, Ford wasn't sure that sounded right, but he didn't know enough about the seventeenth-or-whatever dimension to dispute it. "And why you kept trying to punch through to our dimension from here?" he guessed. "I imagine stretching the fabric of spacetime that far might make it easier to tear."

Bill shot him a sour look, but didn't deny it.

"Why did the gravity go down slowly for two days and then come back all at once? Did the Axolotl just leave faster than it came?"

"You know how the Doppler effect works?"

Ford hesitated. "Yes. Obviously."

"Well, in higher dimensions, gravity works like a reverse Doppler effect. It spreads out in front of a moving object—"

"Oh, come on."

"—and compresses behind the object—"

"Now you're just making up scientific-sounding nonsense because you know I can't disprove it."

"I'm not, and as soon as you get me a pen and paper I can prove it." Loftily, Bill said, "There's a simple equation that can explain higher dimensional gravity."

Ford was pretty sure he was being made fun of. He didn't mean to laugh, but he did. Dipper looked at him like he'd lost his mind; but trying to explain what was so funny would probably just make him look more insane.

Bill looked nearly as surprised.

####

"... And the smaller axolotls, what are they—heralds, worshipers? Children?"

Bill scoffed in disgust, "I don't know, I've never asked him. I see them like the flies orbiting a cow's tail. They migrate with him, that's all I know."

"Then the Axolotl really was just 'migrating'?"

"Well. Migrating in the sense that a mayfly watching a human walk back and forth to the office thinks it must be 'migrating.' He has..." Bill gestured vaguely, "duties, that mandate he travel fixed routes through the multiverse. He just happens to have a years-long workday. His commute doesn't usually take him past 46'\."

"'Duties' as in... divine duties?"

"It depends on if you worship him for doing them. I don't."

The cavern was growing light again, and the distant waterfall was audible. Ford quietly sighed in relief. Even as oddly forthcoming as Bill had been, Ford doubted that even two-thirds of the information he'd shared was true. But it was hard to tell. It had always been hard to tell.

Dipper helped Ford deflate the raft and pack it up. As he did, he said, voice low, "Is it just me, or is Bill kinda...?"

Ford cast a sideways glance across the cavern. Bill was crouched in front of the geodite he'd carried all up and down the tunnel, backpack in his lap, pouring a pile of soggy cereal onto the ground for the geodite to eat. Ford was surprised he'd gotten so attached to the creature. "I think he's been in some state of mental shock since the fall in the lake," Ford said. "And it seems he hasn't been able to keep down a full meal since we left yesterday. I suspect he's barely on his feet. The sooner we can get him back to the shack, the better."

"Oh." Dipper frowned toward Bill. (He was now pouring cold medicine on the cereal. Ford would have to ask him about geodite diets.)

"What are you thinking?"

Dipper shook his head. "I just thought... He seems like he's thinking about something. And he's giving so much away... I don't know. I wanted him to talk, but now it makes me wonder if he's scheming something."

From what Ford had seen, at the moment he doubted Bill could so much as scheme a way to ruin a picnic. But now he was second-guessing his perception. Ford knew Bill better than anyone; but that also meant Bill knew how to manipulate Ford better than anyone. What was Dipper seeing that he didn't? "Really? Do you think so?"

Dipper hesitated. "I—thought so? Maybe not." (Well, now they were both second-guessing themselves.) "I just don't know why he'd tell us so much if he isn't up to something. It feels like a distraction."

"Ah." Ford nodded. "I think the distraction is for himself."

"Mm." (Ford wasn't sure if Dipper had heard him.) "I just feel like there's—something. I can feel it in the back of my head." He stared at Bill a moment longer; then shook his head and turned away. "Maybe it's not him, maybe it's the Axolotl. He said something I can't remember. Something about degrees."

"Degrees?"

But Dipper didn't reply. He'd returned to his work, lost in his own head, mumbling under his breath the way he did whenever he was trying to work something out. Something else for Ford to ask about later.

When they got in Tate's loaned motorboat to head back out, Dipper got a look at the rainbow trout slippers Bill had put back on, and let out a choked laugh of surprise; and then that was the last sound any of them made as they crossed the lake. Ford steered, Dipper remained lost in his own thoughts, and Bill stared at his friendship bracelet, thumb running around the glass evil eyes.

####

(Finally a few mysteries solved! I hope y'all enjoyed, and I look forward to hearing what you think. Next week is another emotionally wrenching chapter!!)

[ficandkaboodle]

Kids Freaking Love the Papas

It doesn’t matter the Ministry (Lincopia, LA, or Other): Kids love the Papas. However, it’s obviously very different from how adults love them. Adults seek guidance from them, they must after them, they revere them.

Kids just think they’re funny and weird and flock to that.

Primo says the most morbid shit and kids bend in half laughing and running around him. He doesn’t take offense to it, which stuns the adults. In fact, sometimes Primo takes the time to teach the youngsters how to garden. I mean, he doesn’t have much else to do in his retirement; may as well give them Dixie cup bean sprouts. It’ll teach them dedication, which can be repurposed when they’re older, he reasons. (In reality, he actually just enjoys teaching.) It doesn’t register to the kids that this misanthrope is saying the most macabre stuff and believing every word of it. They just think he’s a funny old man who says funny and weird stuff.

Kids flock to Secondo the way all kids flock to that one socially awkward, emo cousin who holes themselves up in their room. Only in Secondo’s case, they like to come into his office and bug him. He doesn’t dislike kids, he just doesn’t know how to interact with them. As a result, his methods of entertaining are…questionable. He has to reorganize his shelves and decor for a peace of mind. He knows better than to expose them to some stuff, but he finds it very difficult to navigate stories without slipping in some less than PG content.

Terzo, on the other hand, is awesome with kids. He humors them, he talks and listens with them, he plays with them if he can, they think it’s funny when he walks into things or trips and falls. They taught him how to Floss. He accidentally (??) teaches them new cuss words. One Yule, he gifted them all kazoos and taught them how to perform with them rather than just making migraine-inducing noises. Suffice to say, when he had to leave his previous location to ascend to Papahood, he left behind a few little buddies who were very sad to see him go and made him drawings he keeps in a special box for when he’s down.

Copia wants to be good with kids. He really does. But he worries he comes off as awkward and weird to them. Ironically, he’s so focused on these convictions that he doesn’t realize kids do, in fact, like him. The louder ones like how frazzled he gets and the quiet ones appreciate that he isn’t imposing or intimidating. Kids love gross and/or unusual things so when they hear that the new Papa has pet rats, they’re all clamoring to see them. Copia is more than happy to introduce his children to the Ministry’s children and teach them how to gently handle them. It’s like one of those animal expos you see at the zoo, it’s real neat. Plus, this Papa has all the best juice boxes!

[keldabekush]

do u have any specifics in mind for how boba 1) met the meat droids and 2) how he ended up on the cover of their second album? also, just realized that certified meat droids fan din djarin could totally recognize boba at some point as “that one guy on that one meat droids album cover.” just imagining him as the math equation woman, seeing boba’s face at just the right angle and moment to make that connection, after having already known him for a little while lol

HAHA yes this is actually part of the meat droids lore - they meet Boba when he's skulking around on Coruscant and he essentially blackmails them into running errands for his little baby syndicate. They are going along with this partly because of the blackmail but also partly because they're sooo sure they can convince Boba to just come with them and learn to play the space kazoo or something if they just spend a little more tiiiime together - Boba exploits this thoroughly. They take the picture of him sitting on some steps looking extremely grumpy and use it as an album cover a few years later - this is the album that Din manages to get a hardcopy of at a flea market years in the future, and listens to over and over again until the data chip gets corrupted. It wasn't a super popular album because it was before they managed to make it big thanks to their Nuclear Crotch Floss collabs, and it was more industrial noise than the synth metal / electric psychedelic stuff they got popular for. I have an unfiinished comic WIP from a couple of years ago about Din finally realising why Boba looks so familiar to him, and Boba bracing himself for the "my dad had an army of clones" conversation, and then Din hitting him with "you're the angry kid on the cover of that meat droids album" and he unlocks five new stages of grief lmao.

[autisticlalna]

a key factor to dviking's character for me has always been "he cares about people". he's quick to help, willing to grit his teeth and throw himself under the bus (even if it's fueled by desperation to get something he wants), attached enough to offer taneesha a chance to gain her memories back, trying to be in everyones good graces. he spent his entire life-after-death on the sidelines watching people, getting to know them when they didnt even know he existed, longing to be a part of their story.

i like to think he spent a lot of time pretending he was part of their story-- adding onto conversations and sometimes things they say sound like responses to him. tagging along on mining trips. dropping by to visit people and see what they're up to. lurking in the background during important events. an unseen factor.

the other thing about dviking, though, is that he is terrifying and he has no idea. hes spent eons lost and alone, making one-sided friendships with people who dont even know he exists, slowly losing sanity as the pit where his memories used to be threatens to swallow him whole. he slips in idle threats in the same tone he uses to talk about the weather. he has a vault with ten sets of netherite armor and an ancient debris throne, a plan to sacrifice as much as he's willing to, and an unhinged laugh.

but he has no idea how he comes off to people. because most of the time, he's friendly! and a lot of people see him as friendly or dont suspect anything. the only ones with any idea are taneesha-- who frankly doesnt care because she knows he'll go along with what she asks and also might not be able to experience emotions other than "hubris"-- and legundo, who is absolutely terrified of him. and viking doesnt really get why.

sure, he leverages it sometimes, but it doesnt really work when he tries. fix handwaved his attempts at cornering him, and joy and taneesha were pretty unimpressed with his stalking and death whistling and murderous threats. but the rest of the time he's just teasing, isn't he? putting the fear of god into legundo is on the same level to him as him making funny kazoo noises at people. viking doesnt think hes anything to be afraid of. he knows he has the potential to be, but he doesnt realize that its more than just potential.

theres a lot of fanon drift that weighs dviking towards being Always Spooky or Always Harmless, and that's missing the point: what makes viking scary is that he doesnt know hes scary. he's capable of horrifying things with the book in hand, but he'll do them with a smile on his face because he's doing everyone a favor.

[aldarquen]

Silmarillion Characters as things my friends have said on Camp Staff (Part 6!)

(tag yourself, I’m Maglor)

Celegorm: “I bring a sort of opening the van doors vibe the other passengers don’t appreciate.” Annatar: “Did you guys have any spiders in your shower?” Celebrimbor: “Not a spider, but a  c r e a t u r e.” Annatar: “Calling me a creature is hurtful.” Beren (scared shitless): “OMG! Why the fuck are you up there?” Luthien: *in rafters* “I just like climbing things.” Amras: “Anyone wanna sacrifice their technology so we can pirate The Lorax?” Haleth: “I know the best place for cider doughnuts. Wanna come?” Caranthir: “Ya know what? Sure. Fuck this place.” Radagast: “What did you get kicked out of Arby’s for man?” Saruman: “Too much wizardry!” Radagast: “What does that mean?” Saruman: “Magical spells, sorcery, the conjuring of others’ wallets!”

Old Hurin: “My bones and joints are making the Lego brick breaking noise…”

Curufin: “Look at him: passed tf out.” Maedhros: *deeply asleep*

Celegorm: “I’m gonna touch his Adam’s Apple!” Maglor (talking about Maedhros): “He’s going to fuck you up!” Fingon: *whispers to Maglor, giggles* Maglor: “That’s a tad bit too horny!" Maedhros: “He has as much depth as a saltine cracker ” Maedhros: “If he was a spice he’d be flour” Annatar: “I’m off to steal things” Celebrimbor: “Can you steal my heart?”

Maglor: “Ya talk mad shit for a bitch in kazooing distance.”

[belphieslilcow]

ouhh he is so fantastic.... a little guy

uhmm I'll tag @sakura-chan-25 and @chartreuxcatz (AND EVERYONE CAUSE YOU SHOULD MAKE YOURSELF AS A LITTLE WORMIE, DEW IT)

Worm | Picrew

@yourboyhack @amberrskiies @jesterwriting @kikouku @belphieslilcow @little-leggies

[apolloskazoo]

imagining tommy finding a kazoo on patrol and giving it to ellie and all hell breaking loose. all joel hears every second of every day is ellie blaring the kazoo noises around the house. she stands outside his door in the mornings and wakes him up when it’s time for him to go on his patrols by making rooster noises through the kazoo. when he asks her what she wants to eat she responds with the kazoo. when he asks her where she wants to go she responds with the kazoo. when he asks her how her day was she responds with the kazoo. when he asks her why she’s doing this to him she responds with the kazoo. one time she’s drawing something and when he asks what it is she shows it to him and it’s that damn kazoo again. he wants to get rid of it so bad. he hates tommy so much for giving it to her. he can’t believe his problems went from killing life-threatening infected to being harassed by his kazoo-playing daughter

he finally confiscates the kazoo and that’s when ellie tells him that tommy specifically told her to annoy him as much as possible as a “special mission.” she’s laughing so hard she can barely breathe at his reaction

the next day joel shows up at tommy’s house with one of those obnoxiously loud rubber chickens and gives it to his brother’s year old child. tommy comes to joel’s house a day later with bags under his eyes, promising that he’ll never tell ellie to annoy him ever again, as long as joel NEVER gives his infant child anything noisy for as long as they both live

they come to an agreement, but vengeance has never felt so good (ellie’s never touching a kazoo again, though)

[emeritus-fuckers]

Okay but, thinking about Copia copying (lol) your hobbies, what about someone who wants to learn more about his? For any of the Papa's, really, but I would listen Copia to tell me about old video games for hours - Nick

Papas when their s/o wants to learn more about their hobbies

Primo

He's gonna be really happy when you say you'd like to learn how to garden!

He assigns a little plot in the Ministry gardens to you and picks out a few plants that are easy to take care of so you have an easy start.

He's a naturally good teacher, so you learn really quickly.

He's very proud of you, lots of praises and kisses. He's an affectionate old man.

Over time he lets you help out with more plants.

He supervises you and gives you tips.

You end up being the one to take over the garden after his death because it's the place that holds so many precious memories of him.

(Kay's gonna yell at me for this angsty bit)

Secondo

Secondo may not be an expert, but he enjoys to paint. He loves art in general.

So when you come to him and say you want to paint with him, he organized that for you.

Soon enough you would both spend your free time painting.

You're a bit clumsy with it and while he's no Bob Ross, he doesn't get mad at you and helps you cover up anything you're not happy with.

He tells you it's fine, but if you still feel bad for not being too good at it, he's gonna take one for the team and mess up his work "accidentally". Your giggle is worth it, no matter how good the painting was.

He would love for you both to paint something together!

No matter how messy or silly it might be, he's gonna hang it above his bed and that's final. Don't even argue with him.

Terzo

Oh, so you wish to learn about the Kazoo of Destiny™?

Terzo's hobbies are literally just the weirdest instruments known to man.

They don't even have to be actual instruments.

You know those obnoxiously loud rubber chickens?

Yeah. That's the kind of instruments he plays.

He's made a secret album of Ghost songs played with just the Kazoo of Destiny™ and the chickens.

He's delighted to teach you.

You end up having a headache, but it was worth it to see him so giddy.

Copia

Genuinely shocked. Cue a compilation of Copia noises.

He's just?? So happy?? You've asked??

He mumbles and stims a lot, our excited baby.

He talks all about his favorite games, and you notice they're all really old.

Which isn't surprising, he's got a really old console.

You get start collecting money and buy him a Nintendo Switch for his birthday.

He's just so excited and insists you play together when he realizes that's an option.

Falls in love with you all over again.

Old Nihil

Aside from simping, the only hobby he seems to have is thinking about how great he was as a performer.

Indulge him. Let him talk about his time on the stage.

Just try not to cringe when he talks about hooking up with fans. He's clueless.

Let him try to perform again!

Let him play his sick saxophone solos!

Let him sing!

Let him boogie!

He's gonna be thrilled to perform again!

Just... Make sure you're the only person in the audience. Just in case.

Young Nihil

This bitch will keep his hobbies hidden as long as possible.

Claims his only passion is passionate sex with you.

Keep pressing him and he reveals he's learning mixology.

And so you wanna learn with him!

He's not a pro, but he's showing you what he knows and teaching you a few tricks you picked up.

If you keep pressing even more, he might finally cave in and say he enjoys movies.

Wouldn't say it before because he thought you'd think he's... Whatever the 1960s equivalent of cringe was.

Watch movies with him! He's gonna love it, even if he refuses to admit it.

[altocat]

What's one thing that makes sephiroth genuinely laugh? One of zacks jokes, or does he laugh at the stupidest thing?

Sephiroth's sense of humor varies. He might give a friendly chuckle or two over something genuinely amusing shared between himself or his friends. Or he might start giggling like a child over the most immature, inconsequential things ever.

He does find Zack's jokes funny. But then again, he finds kazoo noises hilarious by default so you really shouldn't use him as a reference.

[immoralfag]

I love adding films to my letterboxd watchlist because it's always a fun game of does my film friend have this on his list? and it's usually yes. he has 42k films on his watchlist

[goldfishpudding]

what if when noodleji wants to get wwx's attention, he makes a noise like a party favour

what if he expresses anger with a kazoo sound

what if, when happy and contented, he toots

[razzmothazz]

fuck it wxs dnd

emu is a bard. idk what else to say to that. she plays kazoo. any time she casts a spell she gets to make funny noises which is the best thing ever to her

tsukasa wanted to be one too untill he chose paladin because he learned he can both be a cool hero with a sword AND have magic (he put his highest stat as charisma without even thinking about how the game works because "its just like him fr")

rui is the dm but if he was a player he would probably be an artificer for obvious reasons

actually scratch that rui is a sorcerer 100%. ive changed my mind. or a multiclass of both. but more sorcerer.

nene is the only one besides rui that actually knows how to play well so she has the best thought out character in terms of build, i can see her playing either a rogue or warlock. maybe multiclass of these 2. cant explain why just vibes tbh.

nenes the strongest but struggles with breaking character because rui (as an npc) keeps suggesting ridiculous ideas to emu and she wants to go along with them no questions asked. tsukasa isnt pleased with this either but he plays along anyway because its harmless and makes emu and rui happy. nene after some time just starts going along with this too but is always careful and weary just in case.

emu is constantly confused about the rules and before anything she does she confirms with nene, which she happily helps her with and is also probably the one keeping track of emus spell slots cause those are most confusing for her.

tsukasa keeps showing off to any npc that compliments him and if they dont get a rest hes out of spells slots before a battle can even start (his character gets more humble as the game progresses since at the start he didnt know spells can run out so quickly)

rui is enjoying the chaos hes creating because everyones having fun and uses the game as inspo for their next play :3

[not-poignant]

I really wish I could be better at expressing my thoughts well enough at the end of each chapter rather than making unsightly gurgling noises every chance I get but truly I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for Palmarosa. It's exactly what I needed from this fandom and I'm so happy someone with your level of skill and experience was the one to gift us that. I'm at the point when I'm thinking about it no joke for at least half my waking hours. I've been absolutely bewitched and I CANNOT stop thinking about the overarching plot or your beautiful characterizations. I'm in like, SO fucking deep bro it's not even funny. Jesus. Anyway thanks again for the good food and I'm at the edge of my seat, always, to see where it all goes. Hope you have a good day pia!

You gotta start thinking about other things! Like kazoos and that weird noise they make. Or really grumpy looking frogs that biologically don't know how to smile. Or the stale taste old icecubes get. Or like...er...

sadflkjds

Anyway thank you, I'm so glad you're enjoying the story! I can't wait to finish the next chapter, I'm about a third of the way through, or just over, and it's still so horny it's like 'Raphael you'd better not be having sex for the whole chapter' and Raphael's just 'why not I can do what I want.'

Like damn, I didn't sign a contract with the guy but you'd never know that from the way he acts

(*bounces happily that you're enjoying it!)