#he's just a supremely messed up kid who had so much potential and it was JUST APPEARING and then

[orangeshipper]

Gemini ch 44

"All through last night, he was mine."

😭

I don't know why this has taken up residence in my brain, but here we are. Buckle in.

HENRY.

The kid just had no chance. Did Katelina ever really care for him? I don't get the impression she did. He would be a constant reminder of Nicholas, and the fact that she had/chose to then marry Simon, who she loathed. Simon only cared for his looks, and his skills, and his hatred.

Literally the only time Simon shows pride in Henry is when he shows aggression or hatred towards Nicholas, even as a small child. Simon was so egotistical he was PLEASED to let his SMALL CHILD watch him in bed with countless women, and pleased when Henry grew up beautiful and keen to do the same. He may have been proud of what Henry could do, his horsemanship and military skills as he grew, but never of who he was or what he could be. He's even derisive over Henry showing independence and aptitude in Gemini over his horse breeding scheme, which (if I've got it right) Nicholas engineered for Henry to do something worthwhile for himself.

He just never had a chance, growing up in the hatred of Simon and Jordan. But he loved them and only wanted to please them.

And then you get to TLWL and Gemini, and Nicholas tries SO HARD, just to get this kid to be a decent, non-hateful human being, to use his skills and talents and intelligence, always recognising how Henry worships Simon & Jordan (who just belittle him constantly), and hates him.

In Gemini then Henry slowly, slowly, starts to get it... To see the value of teamwork. To smile. To challenge himself and achieve things he's proud of. To perhaps not hate, not all the time. That there is worth in himself, in perhaps friends, in perhaps family. He starts to think of others instead of himself, just sometimes. He still desperately, over all, wants to make his father proud of him.

He's the same age as Francis in GoK and I cannot get over that... the potential he had, to have been brilliant.

Yes he's a little shit still but CAN YOU BLAME HIM with what he's had to live with 😭

And Nicholas is BROKEN.

The truth was that no rescue was possible while Simon lived, and his father. From these two, loved and hated and feared, Henry derived his coherent being: they represented all that he was, all he wanted to be. Subtracted from the St Pols, Henry would have found no highway to happiness. He would have ceased to exist.

He had ceased to exist.

On the pallet, his face was uncovered. Now, the features were stern: set in the timeless disdain of the dead. Before, the softness had said something different. Perhaps, with the last flicker of life, the boy had felt the touch of Simon’s gathering arms, and had seen the face of his father, come for him.

The storm broke for Nicholas then. The black pillar of grief with its debris crashed upon him unawares, overwhelming in its ferocity; worse than the sorrow for his people at Nancy, for Godscalc or even for Umar and Marian; Felix; Zacco… reaching back beyond that, to a bottomless misery he could not remember; beating him down as he crouched. He wanted to scream. He could not keep silent.

Anselm Adorne, hearing, set his lips but did not come near. Andro Wodman, forced awake, clenched his eyes to shut out the anguish.

and

How distressed would he be? How distressed had Nicholas been?

Andro knew. ‘I have never before,’ Wodman had said, ‘heard a man’s heart break with pity like that; and I hope I never have to again.’

DOROTHYYYYYY the way she writes grief... you can just feel every ounce of it.

And all through a night, just one night, Nicholas got to have Henry as his. In death, in a cold abbey, after carrying him there himself, and is sodding GRATEFUL for that 😭

:: Side note - am I correct that Kathi doesn't know about Henry being Nicholas' son? I can't recall it ever coming up between them, which strikes me as odd when they're so close - like such a huge, fundamental part of Nicholas for her to not understand...

Ok I think I'm done 😂

[knickynoo]

As I've been (very slowly) working on my 1985A Marty fic, I had some interesting thoughts regarding that whole world. Obviously, Biff and Lorraine have a supremely messed up marriage, but you know what idea popped into my head and ran rampant for a while? An AU where Biff and Lorraine end up having a child of their own at some point in that timeline.

I mean, there are just so many directions to take that and so much room to explore what changes that would bring. I just couldn't stop thinking about the potential family dynamic. Biff with three step-kids he can't stand and then a child of his own who he puts on a pedestal and treats like royalty. A kid who is never targeted for any mistreatment and is the very clear favorite growing up seeing the dysfunction all around them as if it's normal and "just the way things are." Maybe, even from a young age, the kid knows things aren't right. They wonder why things are so unbalanced—why Dad is always so angry and mean to the rest of the family—but is powerless to do much of anything about it.

No doubt Biff would be trying to turn the child against his half-siblings from day 1, but what if it didn't work? What if he ended up with a kind-hearted kid who rejects all the brainwashing and loves their mother and everyone else? (Or, alternately, what if they do buy into the brainwashing and turn into a tiny little terror? A pint-sized Biff)

And then I was thinking of Marty. Caught in this weird place of living with this horrible step-father but maybe having a decent relationship with his little half-sibling. Knowing that it isn't their fault and being able to look at this kid—this piece of Biff—with love. Navigating the tumultuous, horrific environment while also trying to be a good big brother.

And Lorraine! Sad and broken in this life she never wanted but mothering the best she can. Seeing this child as perhaps the only good thing to have come from her marriage with Biff. A little bit of hope and light.

I don't know. Just been fixated on the concept.

[ckret2]

An example of what the Death Valley compound is like: a conversation from like 20ish chapters ahead between a couple of cultists:

####

"I've got a potential recruit. Lots of potential. Could be a real leader someday—she's a natural fit for our new world. She's got a few strings, but I'm working on helping her untie them."

Strings was the term Mary had come up with and spread to the other Death Valley girls for petty mortal concerns that could tangle and tie you up, dragging you away from true spiritual growth and preparation for a better, liberated world. Your childhood religious beliefs were a string. The misguided ideas about morality you learned from the secular world were a string. Your job was a string. Your spouse was a string. Your family was a lot of strings. The intervention where your friends sat you down and told you they were worried about how much you'd changed lately and they were afraid you'd joined some kind of cult was a string.

"How old is she?"

"Thirteen."

"Oh, wow—younger than I expected. That's great, kids are more open-minded. Though if she decides to join, it'll be hard to get her away from her family without a kidnapping charge..."

"Ugh, you don't need to remind me. I remember how we almost lost Karen and Jennifer. The legal system in this country is a mess." They had needed to call upon Bill to torture that divorce court judge with nightmares for weeks before he caved and awarded sole custody of Jennifer to her mother so they could move to the Death Valley compound together. "But I got her phone number and email."

"Good work. It's a pity we don't have enough gals up here to really put the pressure on her, she sounds like an easy recruit."

"We can bring her in the slow way."

####

Like... they are talking about brainwashing, about socially isolating a target from their other support groups, about exploiting a kid's naivety and vulnerability... spun in a way that sounds like it's okay, the way they're doing it, for the purposes they're doing it for. A child isn't "vulnerable," they're "open-minded"! Gotta get 'em while they're young.

One of the speakers is part of the cult's leadership, but the other is just a rank-and-file cultist. Every one of the cultists had something like this done to them, and every one of them has been trained to recruit more cultists the same way. And they do it because they've been trained to think it's for the target's good. After all, they all went through it, and they're better for it. Right? Aren't they?

So do you think they know they're a cult? They know damn well what they're doing. They just think it's right.

Cults aren't divided into "the leaders who are in on the joke and know it's all a scam" and "the hapless followers who are ignorant to the reality of their situation." The followers are in leadership positions too, which means they KNOW how they recruit and control followers, and they go with it anyway. In some cults even the supreme leader believes their own hype.

[starryknight-dragonarts]

At a young age was traded by his parents to Heatran in exchange for a Heatran forged Sword, whether they were going to come back for him or not after the battle is anybody's guess but even with a sword made by the Legendary of the Forge they still fell in battle and the Sword was lost.

He was raised by Heatran till he was 18 spending his developing years working as his blacksmith's assistant given the name Crane Forgeron. He has the skills to be a truly Master Blacksmith and Craftsman but he doesn't enjoy doing it very much because it reminds him how he was abandoned and traded for a sword. Once he was able to forge his own path in the world he left Heatran with respect for his master and guardian but had no intention of sticking around, he wanted to see the rest of the world for himself and experience a lot of life's pleasures that he missed out on given his job's requirement for discipline. He had enough money to be comfortable for a while or be financially stable if he used it wisely, but he ended up wasting most of it within the first month being away with stuff like drinking and gambling. The one line he didn't want to cross was having unprotected sex. He likes physical pleasure and thinks himself a charmer to the ladies, but he had a shitty childhood because his parents weren't there for him and Heatran wasn't much of the nurturing type, so he doesn't want to ruin his own kids' life by not knowing them and not being there.

He spent a few years wandering around from place to place, got into music as well as mysticism, took up playing the Drums and learned about how the drums could be used to send secret messages, so he started playing on the street making a little money but also broadcasting beats with just his thoughts for somebody else to hear and pick up on, then eventually he got a response and was invited to join a Voodoo Temple. The Temple's members had been using drums for years to send secret information between members to establish meeting because their practices had been frowned upon and demonized in society as Giratina worship and Witchcraft, and then all of a sudden a stranger comes to town playing his own drums in a way that matches their codes but doesn't align with the information they were trying to convey. It confused them for a while before they figured out who was accidentally messing with their signal and that this guy wasn't doing it intentionally, he just wanted to be part of something. Crane felt welcomed by the group and began to model himself after one spirit in particular; Baron Samedi

Allow me to provide a little bit of context: In Real Voodoo there is one supreme god who created the universe but this god is indifferent to what goes on in the world, instead the world is run and watched over by spirits called the Loa which can be prayed to and appeased through specific offerings, rituals, and musical performances. There are at least 232 Loa recorded but potentially more and all of them have their own unique identities; different likes, dislikes, and powers which people invoke them for in exchange for guidance and services, and will sometimes interact with people by possessing a body and taking control. Some of these Loa are spirits that exist within nature, others were formerly notable mortal people like leaders of families or tribes, great warriors, hunters, etc…

Baron Samedi is the head Loa of the Gede Family the guardians of the past, of history, and of heritage and represent the Powers of Death and Fertility. He is essentially the Loa equivalent of a Grim Reaper. Nobody dies until the Baron buries them and then meets then on the other side. You could be saved from dying by convincing Baron Samedi that it is not your or your loved one's time to die yet and he is especially merciful to children wanting to see everybody live out a full and fulfilling life of happiness before they die, meaning because he controls who dies, he also has the most powerful healing powers curing any wound, disease, or cast hexes on anybody he deems deserves to die.

Pokemon does not nessisarily have Loa as Creator Spirits who are part of Nature since they have the Legendaries and the Legendaries are treated more as straight up Gods in a vast Pantheon, but there are multiple mentions around Ghost Type Pokemon that there is a Spirit world, so perhaps this version of Voodoo follows more of the aspect of people who have passed on are able to become powerful spirits who have specific jobs interacting with the Mortal world and can be evoked and appeased by Voodoo practitioners to do certain tasks if compensated correctly.

Maybe this world's version of Baron Samedi is one of many Reaper spirits whose job is to help other pokemon transition from life to death, but unlike classic depictions of a Grim Reaper, Baron Samedi is not nearly as "Grim". Quite the opposite actually, he is known for being a lot fun and the life of the party. He usually appears as a tall man with a face painted like a skeleton or just an animated skeleton himself dressed to the nines in a tall shiny black top hat, dark sunglasses, smoking expensive cigars, wearing a black tailcoat jacket, carrying an elaborate cane, downing bottles of rum, and dancing, shouting obscenities and having sex etc…And in one variation of the good Baron he also rides around in a carriage pulled by a horse who is also dressed like him (Top hat, tailcoat, sunglasses, smoking expensive cigars, so on…) He encouraging people to embrace humor and absurdity in life and in death.

The basic message of Baron Samedi that "Life is meant to be enjoyed" resonated with Crane. He took on the name new name of Crane de Samedi to further connect himself with the Spirit of the Party Baron. He worked with the voodoo Temple moving up to become a voodoo priest of Baron Samedi allowing the spirit to ride him and act through him in the world, but some of the other worshippers started to believe he was actually a mortal incarnation of the Baron himself and became one of the head priests of their sect. On the side the temple helped him go to college earn his doctorate studying Music & Performative Arts, Religious Studies, and Archeology, he was given a role as a professor in the college being known as the fun professor who likes to party and effectively balancing a life of Discipline and Hedonism.

Then one night while he was partying he met a Salazzle named Bellinora Eleaika who used him as a one night stand and ditched, this wasn't the first time he had a passing encounter but he would find out later through the spirits that she had used her pheromones to make him get her pregnant, and was using her male children as slaves. He could not stand for this and left his comfortable life to try to be a father to his children. 19 years later he would eventually find his eldest daughter Kaida La Croix and involve himself in her life…perhaps a little late but better than never.

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

Still in the middle of D3 so no spoilers please!

Edit: I've finished D3, spoilers okay now lol

--

I dont usually make up family headcanons with same-age characters (it leaves myself more room for shipping) but for some reason I came up with three of them here. Okay I just realized the first one theyre not same age but, uh, anyway!

Ryoma is Hiyoko's uncle. I dont have much of an explanation for this. At first I thought it would be a funny idea if Ryoma was Hiyoko's dad but then I realized that Hiyoko's dad goes to all her dance recitals while Ryoma's been in jail for a while, so that makes it kind of impossible. Just a silly idea.

Kazuichi is Kaito's younger cousin (idk what the timeline is for D3 compared to the other games yet, and I know often times this class is headcanoned as younger than the D2 class, but this is all in an au anyway). They're same-voice actor cousins. Kaito gave Kazuichi the idea to build a rocket engine, maybe they watched alien movies together when they were little. Kaito hasn't seen Kazuichi since she was still in her booknerd phase, so Kaito would laugh a lot if you told him that his nervous, fidgety cousin went through a "scary punk phase." Have an idea for a short fanfic where he calls and says he's coming to visit her again and she's mid-transition at this point and unsure about coming out to him - I think he'd be cool with it. He'd possibly confuse trans with drag at first but he would be supportive and say that he's glad to see Kazuichi gain some confidence and self-esteem "even if you're still a bit fidgety" (Kaito that's not from being afraid that's just the adhd). Also Kaito and Zoey get along alright.

Nagito is Kokichi's older brother. (potential ableism trigger warning, also a warning for that sibling dynamic where one kid is neglected for the sick/disabled kid). There's angst potential as well as funny potential. This is more subject to change since there's a lot I still dont know about Kokichi, but from what I can tell he's a manipulative liar always making scenes to get attention and even though some of the fandom says he is "a normal person faking mental illness," I dont buy it. Maybe he's faking something, but he definitely has something too. Not sure if this is a controversial opinion, but I believe that people who fake mental illnesses (to this degree at least) are not neurotypical, it's a cry for help and they do need something, so they shouldn't be brushed off as just "ableist assholes" because there is something going on, though on the flip side it is not the job of other mentally ill people to coddle their feelings when that person is being ableist.

I think Kokichi also went through some trauma, like something happened with his family that made him have to attend court sessions (he said in the first trial that he had to go to trials all the time a long time ago "for his crimes as an Ultimate Supreme Leader" but I think that's Kokichi-talk for "he was a little kid and had to sit in trials for some family drama and the adults constantly blamed him for problems that weren't his fault," which is why he plays up this sort of misbehaving bad kid role). Anyway, my ansty hcs is that Kokichi was neglected because his parents focused on Nagito's illnesses, and that's part of why he acts up to get attention. He has some resentment for that but blames his parents more than Nagito and he and Nagito have the type of sibling relationship where they're sometimes on good terms and sometimes can't stand each other. They've thrown some shade at each other but Kokichi really knows how to piss off Nagito and is not afraid to bring up "hope" to mess with his head (though if anyone else did this they would suffer Kokichi's wrath, as far as he's concerned he's the only one allowed to pick on Nagito). Nagito thinks he goes easy on Kokichi when they fight but he can be petty and sassy back and has a lot of embarrassing dirt on Kokichi. They're the kind of brothers that will pester and argue with each other but they'll bury the dead body for the other no questions asked. And Lord help you if they're in the same courtroom, they could find the dumbest little things to bicker with each other about and filibuster the case, but also Nagito will totally back up Kokichi's lies and vise-versa. Whatever creates bigger hell at the moment for the player. It was a mercy they weren't in the same game.

Anyway, since I haven't finished the game yet there's probably-definitely stuff I dont know about these characters but I got excited to share this with you.

[astercontrol]

Lots of good explorations of this in the notes, but for me this definitely brought up Tron thoughts

now I do not think Tron programs have any natural concept of family in any sense analogous to what humans have. I think their relationship with their User can be a mixture of many things, all of which have the potential to be extremely fucked-up power dynamics ("deity" and "employer" come to mind) and I do think "lover" can also be part of it. And all of this absolutely can lead to things that are disastrous (coughKevinFlynnLegacycough)

But I don't see it as parental (although that may be because I don't actually have a concept of what "parental" is. I've encountered many people who had vastly different dynamics with their parents; I have not seen a common theme that defines this type of relationship. Except for the elements that are always there just because they're unavoidable and inherent in the power difference. And those are also there for "deity" and "employer").

So I don't automatically think of a program's user as its parent, or other programs by the same User as siblings

And yet.

The dynamic in Tron (1982) with Dillinger, Gibbs, Sark, MCP and Dumont did set off some very sharp feelings related to certain family situations I have personal experience with.

Not for any reason specific to being family-- except for the feeling of "we don't really have anyone we can go to for help except each other, and when that falls apart we're fucked"

Being Sark, in that context, is like being a kid with bad behavior problems, which never got addressed as much as they should because you have a sibling with much, much worse behavior problems, who takes all the parent's attention and work to manage, leaving you abandoned

And seeing that sibling keep growing stronger and stronger, until he can beat up not only you but also your parents. The only people you could go to for help, for refuge from his abuse, are now as scared and abused by him as you are.

And in this case it's a broken family in more ways than that. You've got Dillinger and his creation Sark, then you've got Gibbs and his creation Dumont, and then you've got the MCP which is like... their kid together, but in a deeply messed-up way. Gibbs nurtured the MCP in its youth; then Dillinger got full custody of it and absolutely poisoned its mind against not only Gibbs but pretty much everyone-- and now he can't deal with the fallout of that bad decision.

I don't think programs have a concept of family, but I do think those connections are supposed to mean something to them. At the very least, most programs would have a feeling of "I'm here to help my User, and other programs by the same User have the same goals, so we should be allies and work together."

But the MCP gained so much power -- largely by absorbing many other programs by many different programmers-- that he no longer places any particular value on his relationship to Dillinger or Gibbs or their other creations. He contains the work of so many other Users now ("millions of their man-years") that each one of his "Users," and each one of their other programs, is individually negligible to him.

If it were simply an analogy about losing connection to family, I don't think it would compel me much-- there are lots of happy stories about kids growing up, being exposed to many new perspectives, and learning that the plan their own parents had was never gonna be the best thing for them. Losing connection to family can be a good thing if it was just holding you back from happiness.

But, if this is an analogy about family, it's not about going no-contact. It's specifically about staying in contact, and turning the oppression right back around to make the parent the new victim--along with everyone else in the blast radius of this supremely toxic dynamic.

i wish we could expand the definition of characters having a "parent/child relationship" (platonic connotation) to the nastier parts of parenting: the projection, the control, the invasions of privacy, the entitlement, the codependency that sours into mutual bitterness because the relationship is unbreakable and fragile at once. I want to see two unrelated characters have the kind of perversely needy animosity generally reserved for a lonely, angry mother and her kids... i want to see two characters who never once knew each other as kids play out the dynamics of an inheritance of misfortune otherwise reserved by fathers for their children

[philliamwrites]

SWYAATL 04: τέλος

Pairing: Eren Jaeger x fem!Reader

Warnings: slight bullying

Summary: Eren is like a pair of hot tongs; no one is sure where to put him or how long he would take to cool off, but if they just dropped him he might light the world on fire. “Well, I don’t know what to tell you.” You’re giving up. Let someone else put on kid gloves and mark out a careful perimeter of how safe it is to approach him. Armin volunteers, turning the crank to set Eren down again and inspect his wound, but Eren pushes him away, and you wonder how often Armin has burnt himself trying to help him.

Notes: [01] || 03 | 05 Masterlist ○ SWYAATL playlist ○

A/N: Thank you so much samsaur for beta-reading!!

I recommend reading this using InteractiveFics! The values are [Name] [Last Name] (though I try to use them as little as possible for ✨immersion✨).

τέλος (greek; télos = end, ‘purpose,’ ‘goal;’ a term used by Aristotle to refer to the full potential or inherent purpose or objective of a person or thing, similar to the notion of an ‘end goal’ or ‘raison d’être.’ Moreover, It can be understood as the “supreme end of man’s endeavour.”

Updates will remain every 2nd week until the Anime finishes and I read through the whole manga series and then move up to every Sunday.

And lastly, just hmu if you want to be on the taglist!

04: τέλος

The new morning greets you with an excellent start to your first day of military training: thick, grey clouds obscure the sky, cold autumn wind picks up and cuts through your clothes. By the time you get to the mess hall for breakfast, most recruits are already done and flit back to the barracks to don their uniforms for the daily physical fitness test and a good earful of Shadis’ screams.

You don’t know how you’ll make it through, your shoulders hard as a wall, neck cramped up from restless sleep. Thank God you’ve decided to put on your uniform already, but still not used to the complexity of the harness, you had to ask another cadet for help who’d looked at you like you were a stray puppy trying really hard to fit in with the adults.

Maybe the day won’t look so bleak with a full stomach.

Most tables are still occupied. You spot Jean near the back of the room, Marco and Thomas Wagner, also from Trost, in tow. They’re leaning their heads together, Jean saying something that makes Marco tug his chin to his chest and dig his teeth into the tip of his tongue as he tries to contain his laughter.

You look away, pursing your lips. You must be really hungry, for it feels like a heavy stone sits in your stomach.

The line isn’t long. You quickly snatch a tray with scrambled eggs and something that might be chopped onions. You aren’t really sure. Because you’re later than most, the wooden storage box that’s held apples is empty now, on its ground only leftover dried leaves and peduncles. Now that, you take that personally.

You’re about to join Jean when you notice a group of girls half in your way, circling around a girl like hungry raptors.

“Come one, Christa. You don’t mind, right?” You recognise one of the girls. Her wild, blonde mane now falling in a thick braid over her shoulder, she has one arm thrown over the frail shoulders of a girl half a head smaller than her. Christa looks up at her with big, doe-like blue eyes, a worry-crease between her pale, slim eyebrows.

“But I—”

“But I—what?” another girl mocks. “You don’t want to share your breakfast with us? That’s cold.”

“We’re all friends here, right?” the third girl chirps. She reaches out and snatches Christa’s apple from her tray. “You didn’t mind sharing your dinner with that country bumpkin yesterday, so this should be fine, too.”

They cackle, vultures who set their eyes on the last remains of a carcass, ready to plunge down and rip it to shreds. In their faces you see Mirabelle and her horrible friends as they hide your sewing kits and make you stay long past closing time, back hunched over the flickering, dim light as you hurry to finish up your work; in their faces you see little Marianne with her dimpled-smile slicing white as she shoots birds from the sky with stones as big as her fists—No, that never happened. Did it?

You shake your head, waving off the sudden fog latching onto your memories. You’re probably just confusing it with an evil stepsister you’ve read in one of your mother’s books. But the feeling of uneasiness remains, and it takes a moment to will your feet to move again, step by step towards the girls.

“Christa,” you say with a confidence you don’t really feel, tasting her name for the first time on your tongue. Multiple heads turn your way—a new feast for the scavengers. “Jean and the others are waiting for you.” Lying feels natural here, like a second skin.

Before she can voice her confusion, you hook your elbow around Christa’s and pull her away from the girls. If glares could kill, you’d fall over right now. You’ve crossed the room half-way when Christa gently disentangles her arm from yours, and says quietly, “Thank you. But I can take care of myself.”

You stare down at your breakfast, the unidentifiable chunks of maybe-onion, maybe-parsnip looking like the spoiled remains of a dead animal. “I’m sure you can,” you say. You don’t know how to explain that you did it more for yourself than her. “Next time, then.”

She must have liked your answer, because she still follows you to Jean and Marco who just finished up eating.

“You’re late,” Jean says in lieu of good morning. He eyes Christa warily even though her friendly smile immediately melts Thomas. He quickly moves over to give her more room, pushes her chair back a little so she can sit down.

“Or are you too early,” you answer. “Boys, this is …” You look over at Christa, not knowing her last name.

“Christa Lenz.” Her smile lights up the whole table. “I’m sure it’s going to be a hard day, so make sure to finish everything, okay? We’ll need all the strength we can get.” Stunned silence. You’re pretty sure you don’t mishear Thomas mumbling something about “Marry me” as you dig into your meal. Jean picks up his fork and devours the thin slices of carrots he’s banished to the edge of his plate. He hates carrots.

“How was the first night?” Marco asks.

You shrug. “Could have been better.”

“At least you girls don’t snore,” Jean pipes up. “And we have this one gigantic dude who spent the night sleeping with his legs propped against the wall.”

You share a quick glance with Christa. “Yeah,” you say. “And we girls don’t take dumps or fart either. Actually, we’re sentient Titans, you know.”

Marco snickers as Jean rolls his eyes. Even Christa stifles a soft giggle behind her delicate hand.

“Smartass.” Jean’s smile is barely there, but then his expression darkens, just a little, when his tawny eyes jolt to the entrance. He clicks his tongue, mouth turning into an upside-down grin. You follow his gaze to see Eren Jaeger stumble over the threshold, ripping his arm away from the hold of a friend—the pretty, pale girl with steely-grey eyes. He’s snapping something at her about giving him some space, and moves to the food counter, his hair a wild, unkempt nest of brown as if he’s just been forced out of bed. Another boy sticks close to his heels, and even from this distance you can see his big, round eyes are a striking, bright blue—the blue a piece of sky stolen from a clear, cloudless day. Blue, blue eyes. Beautiful, beautiful blue.

You snap your eyes down to your plate when he notices your stare, the small hairs on your arms rising. Your fingers absently tug at the ring around your neck.

“You wouldn’t believe the shit that comes out of this guy’s mouth,” Jean says, wielding his fork with enough force it scratches across his plate with a shuddering screech. You shovel spoon after spoon in your mouth, brows knit together in confusion as you glance over at him. Jean points a long, slim finger to where recruits still mill about, the last to get their breakfast. “All that suicidal maniac can do is run his mouth.”

Your eyebrows shoot up to your hairline. “Suicidal maniac?”

“Damn right, came up with that last night after he started talking about wanting to fight Titans again.”

“And you’re really proud of that one, too.”

Jean sends you a glare, his lips a thin, white line. “Talked on and on about how those who don’t make the cut here should head back to plough fields. He’s asking for a punch at this point.”

“Weird,” you note, finishing up. “If I didn’t know better, I could swear you’re talking about yourself.”

It takes a moment for Jean to understand what you’re implying, and when he gets it, his handsome face turns into a mask of annoyance—his chin jutted, his head lifted high. “Me and that guy are nothing alike.”

You give him the flick of a shrug. It’s way too early to deal with Jean’s barbed pride, and you didn’t sign up to be the jury of it in the first place. Instead, you turn to Marco. “You gonna eat that?” you ask, pointing at the untouched apple lying before him.

His nose scrunches up. “I’m not really into apples.”

“Can I have it?” Jean and you speak in unison, immediately glaring at each other. You almost smack Thomas across the face with how fast you whip your hand towards Jean. He meets you halfway—Thomas jerks out of the way a second time—and grabs your hand, engages in the thumb war and destroys you.

Jean whoops, snatching Marco’s apple.

“Prick,” you mumble.

The apple crunches as Jean bites into it. “Nobody likes a sore loser.”

“If you two start shoving your tongues down each other’s throats, I will barf on this table.” You don’t recognise the voice. A tall, lean girl with dark brown hair falling a little below her chin grabs the back of a chair from an adjacent table and drags it over right next to Christa, falling into it.

Jean gags. You’re pretty sure you’ve gone a sickly grey, too. You two share a look that feels like a dare, two birds of a kind that assess each other and decide they’d rather let their species go extinct instead of engaging in procreation.

Not that Jean is unattractive. He’s grown into handsome features: a long and angular face with high cheekbones and a sharp jawline. Whenever light strikes his eyes in a particular angle, they flash amber—a liquid gold like gilded frames holding expressive paintings that tell uncountable adventures. Though he could do a little less of this looming he does sometimes, when you want to show or point out something to him and he’s leaning over your shoulder like he has to remind you at every occasion how tall he is.

You’ve basically known him all your life. It’s difficult to see him as something different than a cousin. Or a brother even. Family.

“Ymir,” Christa admonishes quietly, but makes no effort to move away. Ymir’s narrow, sharp eyes glare at you and Jean, like she knows something you don’t, but then she transfers them to Christa and they soften slightly. You blink, but it’s gone already. Maybe just your imagination. “Didn’t I tell you to wait for me?”

“I’m sorry.” Christa’s eyes quickly jump to you and back. “Something came up.”

You know when to keep secrets to yourself. It’s none of your business anyway, and you truly want to believe her earlier declaration. When your eyes swipe the room, you don’t find the girls who tried to mess with her. Maybe they’ll grow bored once your military training progresses. To think bullying would be a concern when all of you are struggling towards the same goal. You don’t want to think about it.

When the bell chimes at 7 sharp, you cadets file out towards where Shadis and his fellow instructors are waiting. It’s a miracle you spot Mina in the crowd. Quickly signalling Jean you’re going ahead, you jog up to her. She startles like a mouse suddenly coming face to face with a cat, her wide eyes a mirror of the vast iron-grey above your heads.

“Morning,” you greet her. “You were up and out pretty early.”

“Yeah, well … I’m still not too familiar with the outline of the compound.” Mina rakes her fingers through one of her pigtails, combing out the small knots. She’s pursing her lips, eyeing you sideways. When you catch her glance, she quickly stares back ahead.

“You doing okay?” Her fingers pick up their pace. You don’t know if she’s even aware of it. “Rough first night?”

Mina gives a nervous laugh. “Like anyone else. No, I’m … I’m still sorry. I really shouldn’t have asked that yesterday.”

“I told you, don’t be.” You closed a chapter of your life yesterday, and you’re not willing to turn the pages back for now. “You couldn’t have known.”

“Still. I’m sure it’s still difficult to talk about.”

“Not for all of us,” you mumble, glimpsing Eren and his two friends in the crowd. He’s standing at the very front, awe etched onto his face as he stares up at the triangular contraptions like a little kid in wonder of a particularly complex and gigantic toy.

Mina must have followed your eyes. “You know, I also want to join the Garrison,” she admits and halts when you two fall in with the rest of the recruits. “I’m not good enough for the Military Police, and I’m too scared to join the Survey Corps. I think … if I end up at the same Garrison Station as you, that wouldn’t be too bad.”

She gives you a little smile, a young bud just shy from blooming into something beautiful. Bouvardia, you think. Enthusiasm. That would be the flower of her heart. You bump your shoulder against hers. “Infinite access to Klippfisch?” You grin. “Don’t mind if I do.”

“Shut your traps, maggots!” Shadis bellows from the front, silencing the crowd. From the corner of your eyes, you can see Mina still grinning. “This is your first test, so pay attention! All you sorry bastards gotta do is keep your balance in the air! Dangling around like reeking, wet clothes shouldn’t be too much of a problem for you, right?!” He divides the large group into many smaller ones, ten cadets per balancing unit, and calls you all up by your last name. Jean and Mina aren’t in your group, but you do recognise the name Arlert from yesterday’s entrance ceremony.

The instructor, introducing himself as Marshal Cusk, assigned to your corner on the right is also one from yesterday, a sturdy, tall man with a deep, crimson scar running across his cheek and thick eyebrows nearly hiding his eyes that make him look glum. He orders two from your group to the front, shows the first how to handle the crank, and the other how to attach the ropes to your belts.

“Try to stay upright for five minutes,” he says, arms wound stiffly behind his back. He judges every single one of you with narrow, hawkish eyes. “Pass the posture control test by the end of this week and you won’t be sent to a settlement. Simple as that. Whitelaw, you start.”

‘Simple,’ as it turns out, is anything but. The boy named Whitelaw, the poor recruit who’s unlucky enough to be the first, struggles the moment his toes leave the ground. He sways forward first, tries to compensate and swings so far back he’s almost parallel to the ground. His face contracts in exertion as he tries to right himself. Instructor Cusk doesn’t berate him, but he also doesn’t speak a word of praise to Whitelaw for doing a good job. He simply stands to the side, his mouth sealed shut into a grim, red line like a second scar. After five minutes, Whitelaw is set back to the ground. You see sweat trickle from his temples to his square jaw.

“How hard can it actually be,” mumbles a guy beside you. His face is instantly familiar, one of the boys who laughed at you at dinner yesterday after Jean pulled his little revenge-stunt on you. If he doesn’t stretch his full lips into a wolfish grin, he’s actually somewhat attractive, you suppose. “My Father always said only absolute failures mess this up.”

You watch the next recruit going up. She allows Whitelaw to help her get into position after struggling a moment to get ready, eyes flitting anxiously through the crowd. “Your Dad’s a soldier?” You’re not really interested in him or his family’s military history, but just for a moment you want to ignore your shoulders tensed as tight as a chord.

A muscle jumps in the boy’s jaw. “Brigadier Hoffmann of Hermia District. He’s very close to the king’s advisors.”

Now this really gets your attention. You’re pretty sure there’s only a handful of cadets here originating from Wall Sina. Explains the haughty air around him and why he’s carrying himself straighter than a flagpole. “So you’re also trying for the MPB,” you guess. Jean won’t like him. He will absolutely, zero-doubt, despise this guy.

“So, Daddy put you in this hole down in the South?” You startle. Ymir manifested behind you out of seemingly nowhere. You’ve completely missed hearing that she’s also in your group. “Not your old man’s favourite son, are you?”

The Hoffmann boy turns red. “I am his only son,” he snaps a little too quickly, like it’s something he’s been told often enough that he uses it as his first line of defence, a justification to everything. “And how to better discipline someone than through military service.” He looks at Ymir as if she is some bizarre species of insect. “Some of us seem to need it more than others.”

She flips him off. Hoffmann just snorts. “Not all of us will make it, obviously,” he continues as if Ymir isn’t present. “Guys like him, for example.” His chin jerks towards the front where a frail boy stands with his arms folded and shoulders hunched, looking like he wants to crumple into himself and disappear. Long, blonde hair curls around his chin, a golden curtain hiding his face, but you’re pretty sure it’s one of Eren’s friends. “You can immediately see who’s fit to become a soldier and who isn’t. And we all know weeds left unattended grow wild and steal the place for those actually meant to grow. How about we bet how long he’ll make it?”

“You wanna bet?” Ymir looks over to the blonde boy, then smirks—cocky, like she’s ready for the challenge and actually enjoys it. “Sure. I’ll bet that little guy will become Commander one day and put your sorry ass to work in a coal mine.”

“You don’t actually believe the crap you’re saying.”

“At least he doesn’t have a stick up his ass.”

Before Hoffmann can retort anything, he’s called up next to the test. He scoffs, barely audible, “Bitch,” and marches to the front, not looking back.

Is this something about you? Attracting problematic people? Because now Ymir is turning to you, leisurely swinging her arm around your shoulder and pulling your face so close to hers you can count every single freckle on her high cheeks and straight nose.

“Say,” she asks in a low voice. “You and Christa close?”

You feel like there is no right answer. “Not really.”

“Good.” She gives your cheek a soft, tender clap. You flinch as if she’s outright slapped you. “Keep it that way.” Ymir releases you and disappears to the edge of the group, her eyes roaming the field as if looking for someone. You stare ahead to where Hoffmann is hanging from the ropes effortlessly, almost bored. He finds your eyes and winks. You look away pointedly. This would be easier if Jean were here. He’s probably having fun with his own group, making friends, and it’s weird to miss him even though he isn’t really gone. Maybe you’re just longing for familiarity. For something you know is safe.

You’re called up next. Deep breaths. Courage, dear heart. Doubt could be an endless black hole; it won’t do to sink into it now.

Hoffman tries to help you attach the rope to your belts but you snag the hooks from him and do it yourself, fumbling slightly until it clicks. No going back now. Hoffman takes over the crank. He looks over to Cusk giving the signal to hoist you up, and turns the handle.

Five minutes. You don’t realise how long five minutes actually is until you’re up in the air, dangling on the ropes. Your core muscles burn from the tension, but you barely struggle, hanging from the contraption that has you a few feet above ground. It feels strangely weightless. You keep your arms at waist level, somehow that’s easier than stretching them out. But you want to. You want to stretch them so bad, out to the sides, up towards the sky. You want to imagine you’re actually flying, soaring in the endless sky. When you look up, you try to imagine striking blue beyond the thick veil of grey clouds. You close your eyes, and just by feeling the wind on your flushed skin you can almost pretend you’re really flying, nothing tethers you to the ground, to the past; you’re free, free, free—

“Eyes open, [Last Name]!” Shadis barks. You startle to attention, your eyes springing open, and swing your legs forward as your balance begins to derail. Your thighs protest like they’re about to snap in half. “And keep ‘em open if you don’t wanna smack against something and look like that cockroach I stepped on yesterday, squirt!”

“Yes, sir!”

Shadis observes you for a moment, but seemingly content that you can at least remain airborne without any problems, he moves on to the next cadet. A minute later, Hoffmann finally turns the crank and lets you down. When your feet meet solid ground again, you want to collapse, every muscle screaming in agony.

Hoffmann looks like he wants to say something, but Cusk is already moving the line along: “Next up, Arlert!” When you see him approaching, you make a point to not stare into his blue eyes too long. He busies himself detaching the ropes from your belts, fingers still unsure and fumbling from the unfamiliar movements of detaching hooks and buckles. You stare at the crown of his head. Someone from the rear shouts, “Stop feeling her up, dude!”

The group bursts into laughter.

Arlert’s tongue trips over itself in haste to apologise, “Sorry, I’m—I’m not—;” your tongue is a hot piece of coal inside your mouth that doesn’t know how to burn out, “It’s—it’s fine, you’re not—”

Cusk has the grace and honour to make you all shut up. “You think you’re funny, recruits?!” he shouts, his voice booming over your heads. He is furious—still glum, but furious. It’s like being yelled at by a damp towel. The laughing dies. “That’s five laps, you lousy rats! Now!! MOVE IT!!” Everyone immediately shuffles to complete the task. You don’t miss their glares sent your way as if you and Arlert are at fault. Cusk turns around. “And what are you two waiting for?! Get going!!”

You push Arlert’s hands away—they’re shaking—and rip the hooks off your belt, quickly catching up with the last from your group. If this is just a taste of what the next three years will hold with your so-called ‘comrades,’ you won’t have a problem settling into a hermit life.

Nervous pitter-patter latches onto your heels—no, it’s more of a shuffling. When you look down, you see Arlert dragging his feet on the ground step by exhausting step as he struggles to keep up.

“I’m … sorry …,” he pants, already out of breath.

You glare daggers at the back of someone’s head in front of you. “Don’t apologise.” Arlert makes a plaintive sound at the back of his throat. “It’s not your fault they’re all dickheads.”

“Oh.” He jogs beside you, quiet for a moment. “I’m sure they’re all just … nervous. And scared.”

Now that you hear him say more than just stupefied stammering, you recognise the voice—the boy who’s told Eren to lay off yesterday evening. You don’t understand how these two are friends.

“I am nervous and scared, too,” you say. Thin, sharp needles stab into your sides. You really shouldn’t talk and run at the same time. “But I don’t use others as my punching bag.”

“Guess they can’t help it…”

You kind of want to jog ahead to end this conversation, but Arlert looks like he’s about to collapse any moment and somehow you don’t think Cusk would be too happy to see a recruit abandoned by his comrades after what got you guys your penalty in the first place.

“I’m [Name],” you say.

“Ar—” Arlert sucks in a deep, wheezing breath. “Armin.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure they’ll come around and stop being pricks.”

“Yeah, don’t worry.” He laughs, but it’s humourless. “Why haven’t I thought of that…”

You cringe, realising your mistake, but Armin has already fallen further back, unable to keep up with the group’s pace. You keep moving, every additional stab to your side deserving.

Your group doesn’t do bad at all. Save for one who, the moment his toes lifted from the ground, began screaming he wanted to be put down at once, everyone’s outlook to pass the test by the end of the week looks good. The relief is palpable, fuel to light everyone’s courage. Recruits jostle and bump one another, laughing as they gather together to watch the last cadets hanging in the air. Jean finds you, Marco by his side looking a little flushed. He must have just come down from his test. Little curls of black hair stick to his sweat-sticky temples, but he’s glowing—probably happy about his positive result.

“Was that your group running laps?” Jean asks. Not “How did it go?” because he trusts that you’ve succeeded. Doesn’t doubt it for a second. It’s hard not to fall in love with him a little in that moment.

“No.”

He, of course, has known you long enough to know when you’re lying. “What did you do?”

“Why do you think it was me?” Jean simply looks at you with an expression that says, Duh. And just like that, the spark of love is snuffed out and you want to kick him again. “It was nothing.”

Jean shrugs. He opens his mouth, sees something from across the plaza and gapes. His elbows lock around yours and Marco’s, and he drags you through the crowd, making his way slowly, like moving through sticky syrup, as he pushes and shoves recruits out of his way. When you reach the very front, it’s hard to miss out what he’s so gleefully excited about.

Hanging upside down, his face blown blank from utter confusion and surprise, is Eren Jaeger, currently screamed at by Shadis to get up.

“I can’t believe this,” Jean says, unable to hold back his laughter. You’re pretty sure Eren himself can’t believe this. Most of the recruits surrounding his spectacle appear blown away by this presentation of inadequacy, their gloating voices rising.

An almost frightened look falls over Eren’s eyes like a shadow, darkening his clear, green eyes. He tries to right himself by swinging his legs downwards and curving his upper body forward—a sit-up mid-air that has you cringe in sympathy. His abs and core muscles have to be on fire right now.

It’s not working. He swivels back, the tips of his fingers grazing the rough ground. Eren looks positively horrified—no, gutted right now. His dream, you realise, he realises, of eradicating the Titans will end before it had any chance to begin. You can’t help but feel sorry.

Standing on the opposite front row of the crowd, you lock eyes with Hoffmann across the field. He’s wearing that wolfish grin again that transforms his handsome face into an ugly look of contempt. Absolute failure, he mouths at you with a jerk towards Eren still dangling upside down. You’re spared reacting in any way when Jean throws his long arms around your and Marco’s shoulders, pulling you two towards his chest so hard that your heads almost knock into each other. “Look at us three,” he says, grinning from ear to ear. “I think we’re going to have a great time.”

Marco chuckles, not pulling away from Jean’s hold and you force a crooked grin on your face. It’s just another rule of this world. Only those who are strong can survive; only those chosen by something far bigger than any of you can comprehend. You’re just grateful you somehow managed to be part of it.

Jean did not exaggerate when he told you about Eren’s haughty claims two nights prior. Most of the male cadets have heard it, and now they’ve made it their personal vendetta to remind Eren at any given moment that he’s just talk, no bite. That with no talent, he doesn’t belong here. That by the end of tomorrow, they’ll finally stop wasting food on him because he’ll be sent to a settlement.

“I feel bad for him,” Marco notes. You keep staring at his hand that’s shaking the salt cellar over his mashed lentils. He’s been doing that for what feels like minutes and is still not stopping.

“You would feel bad if someone mugged you and then tripped over his own feet trying to get away,” Jean says with a full mouth. “You’re too nice.”

You peek over to Eren and his friends. They’ve retreated to the furthest table in the corner of the room. “Maybe he’ll get it tomorrow,” you say, taking a big swig from your cup, your mouth completely dry from watching Marco trying to annihilate his taste buds.

“He’s asked a bunch of people for tips and tricks. Nothing seems to work.” Finally satisfied, Marco digs into his meal. He smiles, pleased.

Jean barks out an unpleasant laugh. “He even asked me!”

“And because you’re such a nice guy, you helped him out?” you ask.

“Don’t be stupid.” Jean rolls his eyes. “I told him he’s a disgrace and that he can fuck off.”

You don’t really understand where this prickly hostility comes from—usually Jean doesn’t take different opinions on matters this personal. You assume there’s just something about Eren that’s irritating Jean, his conviction burning too hot, and because Jean can’t douse it with water he’s trying to fight fire with fire. There are worse ways to win a war.

But it isn’t any of your business, you’re still adamant to keep your head down. Which of course, doesn’t sit right with whoever weaves the destiny of your life into the jumbled mess of mosaic it is.

Climbing over Mina, who’s still fast asleep, you start the next morning early, desperate for some warm water before the other girls can exhaust it before breakfast. The way to the sanitary shacks leads you past the open entrance to the training grounds where the posture balance devices still stand like old, abandoned windmills enduring wind and rain. Two figures loiter around, one of them preparing to be lifted up, and when you recognise Eren and Armin, you immediately stare right ahead, carrying yourself like your life depends on brushing your teeth.

You can feel their eyes on you like two hawks that have finally spotted prey after days of starvation, but you keep moving, shoulders tugged high up so they maybe don’t get any ideas—

“[Name]! Good morning!” Armin shouts across the compound. “Can I—can we ask you something?!”

You really want to keep going. A very Jean-sounding voice in your head says: Just ignore them, so of course you turn around and approach the boys just as Eren stops arguing about something; shuts up and simply glares at Armin. Clearly, he doesn’t want you to be here. You don’t want to be here.

“Good morning,” Armin says again with the enthusiasm of a small bird chirping excitedly to greet the new day. He sidesteps Eren’s sad attempt to kick him, and because Eren is hooked to the ropes and can only move around so much, he’s stuck at his spot. “You’re up early.”

“Looks like you two beat me to it.” You purse your lips, bobbing back and forth on your heels. “So how’s it going?”

Eren’s mouth is a grim, hard line. “It’s going.”

“Going nowhere.” Armin sends Eren a quick look of urgency that has him jut his chin forward. “So we’re wondering if you might have some advice.”

“You’re asking me?”

“Because you … when you were up there, you looked like you were enjoying it,” Eren says to his boots. “Balancing mid-air.”

Your lips curl. “What, like it’s hard?” Seems like that Jean-sounding voice decided to reside in some hidden part of your mind and surface whenever it’s time to cause problems. Eren glares daggers at you. You have a sense that were he not incapacitated, he’d kick you too. “I don’t think there’s a special trick to posture control. You tense your upper body, and keep the lower part loose. Try to maintain the centre of gravity in one spot for now. That should help you stay upright.”

Eren gives a curt nod. His entire body tenses and his brows knit together in intense concentration. He turns, signalling Armin to lift him up. You watch as the ropes stretch and slowly, he rises. Rises. And rises until his feet leave the ground.

And then Eren swivels forward.

You don’t think when you drop your sanitary bag to catch him. Eren’s whole body is solid muscle, tense in all the right places. Warmth bleeds through his thin shirt as you clutch his shoulders, supporting his full weight. Which is a lot. He grunts into your neck, warm breath fanning over your skin and raising the hairs along your arm. His knees knock into yours, and you turn away slightly so he doesn’t end up actually kicking you.

“Stop wiggling,” you say, fists unclenching from his wrinkled shirt, “and focus on your centre of gravity.”

“What does,” he grunts, “that mean?”

When he’s upright again, shaking from the exertion, he manages only a split second before he swings forward again and bashes his forehead against yours.

Pain explodes in your skull. You crumble to the ground and without anything holding him upright, Eren continues his descent forward and cracks his head against the ground. Somewhere to your right, Armin gives a choke that sounds treacherously like stifled laughter.

“You’re not just a fucking danger to yourself, you’re a fucking danger to everyone, Jaeger,” you snap, wobbling a little as the pain lessens enough to get back on your feet.

“No, you’re just shit at explaining,” Eren throws back from the ground, hoisting himself up on his arms, bent over from where the hooks still have his hips raised in the air.

“Maybe, but at least I won’t be the one failing the test tomorrow.”

“I won’t fail.” He glares up at you from a position that would look submissive, but Eren’s eyes are defiant as if he’s trying to bring you down with him. You wonder if he’s even noticed the drop of blood slowly making its way down his forehead. “I’d rather die than be sent back to pick grass.”

You have no problem believing that, not with that smouldering glare that sears its way right into your heart. It becomes immediately clear that he may be lacking the natural ability some of the recruits possess, but he has a strong determination to succeed. He drives himself forward with an intensity that is almost frightening, and you are not equipped to handle that. Eren is like a pair of hot tongs; no one is sure where to put him or how long he would take to cool off, but if they just dropped him he might light the world on fire.

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you.” You’re giving up. Let someone else put on kid gloves and mark out a careful perimeter of how safe it is to approach him. Armin volunteers, turning the crank to set Eren down again and inspect his wound, but Eren pushes him away, and you wonder how often Armin has burnt himself trying to help him. “Maybe just focus your eyes on a single point or something. Like when you balance on one foot?”

“That’s stupid.”

“It’s all I got for you.” And then for some reason, you don’t say: Maybe you should give it up. Maybe you should accept this isn’t where you’re meant to be. But then where would his place be, and if there is none, where could he go? Something about that bothers you more than you want to let on.

With nothing more to say, the morning proceeds, marches on like you recruits from breakfast to the daily fitness test: two minutes of push-ups, two minutes of sit-ups, running two miles. You’re ready to hit the bed again by then. The instructors rally the last cadets still due the posture control test. You’ve already passed the previous day, but your fingers itch to strap the hooks on and get up again.

As expected, a large group of recruits piles around Eren’s test, like moths to a flame. Shadis towers before him, drills into him how important it is to master the manoeuvring gear as if Eren hasn’t been paying attention the last few days and that’s the only reason he’s failed so far. His glare drills into the back of Shadis’ head as he turns, but then his eyes swipe over the crowd, roam and roam, until they find and lock onto you, and you’re surprised that the hair of those standing around is not immediately razed off by the sharp intensity of whatever screwed up staring contest you two engage in.

You did not sign up for this.

As Shadis tells Thomas to lift Eren, he keeps staring at you, brows knit together as if you’re a secret he’s dying to unravel. You dive behind Jean, his height easily hiding you.

“What’s that asshole glaring at me for,” Jean mumbles as you peek around his broad back and find Eren still staring at you with a focus that sends shivers down your spine. You feel like a mouse trapped in a corner, facing the cat that’s captured it.

I told him to focus on something, you think. Not me.

But he keeps staring you down like he’s trying to engrave the picture of you into his brain, and when Thomas lifts him into the air one, two, three seconds pass and he is upright, he is balancing mid-air, shaking like a leaf in a high wind with his face contorted in pain—no, determination—but he’s doing it, he’s doing it, he willpass—

And then he breaks eye-contact with you, a brief glance over his shoulder, and suddenly spins back with a force that gives you vertigo. Immediately, he fights to get back up, his hands flat on the ground as he’s trying to right himself. The terror in his eyes makes fear fizz in your blood like poison. He wants—no, needs to be here so badly. So badly that a life without this is no life at all. You wonder if there will ever be anything in your life you’ll stride towards with a purpose that will nearly kill you.

“Thank God we don’t have to see him around here anymore.” Jean’s hand brushes your shoulder and you jump, your thoughts dispersing. You want to smack the glee out of his voice.

“Don’t be such a dick, okay?” Your voice surprises you, cold and hard like late-winter ice. Jean gives you a look that is somehow both caressing and calculating at the same time. “Look,” he says, and you groan, not in the mood for whatever lecture he’s prepared in that brief second. “He said it himself. If you have no talent, you’re not supposed to be here. Soldiers are meant to fight, not whatever he thinks … he’s … doing ...” His voice trails off, his face goes slack with surprise. You follow his gaze, and there he is, Eren, hanging in the air without a hitch.

A low murmur drones through the crowd. Apparently he’s had defective equipment and the fact he’s managed even a few seconds upright is close to a miracle. Not a miracle, you think, watching Eren and the front row of cadets whoop shrieks of delight and relief, celebrating his success. He would be offended if it was a miracle. If whatever entity choosing heroes thought it could leave Eren standing behind a locked door, it did not expect him to break through, teeth bared and wielding his determination like a blunt club.

Until today, you didn’t know willpower could be such a strong weapon.

Dinner that evening seems like a déjà-vu of the start of the week. Eren and his friends are allowed back to the centre of the mess hall, their table currently surrounded by astonished recruits still hovering around Eren and praising his performance.

Jean, telling you he’s upset without telling you that he’s upset, keeps gnawing on his loaf of stale bread and staring daggers over at Eren. He’s scratching nonsensical patterns onto the table with the dull end of his knife and something tells you he’s imagining the surface to be Eren’s face. Looking across the table for Marco’s help yields no luck either. He’s engrossed in a heated debate with Mina about why ducks are a threat to everyone and it’s absolutely normal to have a crippling fear of them.

“Knock it out.” You grab Jean’s wrist, feeling his agitated pulse beat against your fingers under the thin skin hiding on the inner side. “Why are you acting like he spat in your meal?”

Jean looks over sharply. “He’s passed one test, and now what? He’s acting like he’s the king of the world? I can’t stand pretentious bastards.” You narrow your eyes. It feels like something is missing, but can’t point your finger to what. Usually Jean gives in after a while the longer you stare at him, the longer you demand an answer with your glare, but this time, he’s dead set on avoiding your eyes. He’s got his elbows resting on the table and he’s staring hard in the opposite direction, trying to play it all off as dead casual, but the set in his jaw betrays him. You watch his throat flex as he swallows hard. “I just don’t get,” he continues so quietly you have to lean over to hear him, “what she sees in him.”

You fall back into your chair, the backrest creaking under your sudden weight. Your eyes, like magnets, are drawn to Mikasa Ackermann sitting to Eren’s left. She came out on top of the posture test, and already the instructors say she’s showing the most potential to become an A-tier soldier. You’ve seen her, how she hung in the air with the grace of a cat leisurely strolling down a high wall with barely any width to it, and looked bored on top of it. Like it’s easy. Like she was born for this.

“Don’t opposites attract each other?” you think out loud.

“Do you think they’re actually—” Jean clamps his mouth shut. He’s pushing his plate away with the end of his knife like the thought alone ruined his appetite. You don’t remember ever seeing him crush so hard on someone. Like he’s taken flight, but someone clipped his wings and he crashed down on the ground so hard it shattered his entire being. You didn’t think there were sides of Jean that you hadn’t seen yet.

You nudge his shoulder. “Ask her.”

Jean gapes at you as if you’ve grown a second head. “But the girl’s gotta ask the guy.”

“Nevermind, you reminded me of something just now.”

“What?”

“The reason you never had a girlfriend in the first place.”

“Listen, shithead—”

Eren’s voice suddenly cuts through your banter: “Not all of us want to stay inside the Walls forever like dumb cattle.” Jean’s head snaps up, his gaze sharpens like a wolf that’s heard the snap of a twig from potential prey. “A life hiding in fear is no life at all.” You reach for Jean to hold him back but he’s too fast. Already up on his feet, Jean circles your table, his hands balled fists at his side.

“You keep on yapping about getting outside,” he says, his voice holding the low, angry thrum of a temper barely leashed. “Would you finally give it a rest? Some of us are trying to enjoy our dinner.”

A strange expression appears on Eren’s face. His eyes turn hard as flint, his mouth goes grim and tight. The other recruits crowd around them, eager as they sense the tension crackle in the air like flashing branches of lightning. “You can enjoy whatever you want once you’re in the interior.” Eren glances over at Jean, a slow, sweetly poisonous glance as one corner of his mouth jerks up. “That is, for as long as people who venture outside and actually kill Titans do your job for you.”

Jean takes a step forward, warning in every line of his posture. “Jaeger—”

“I saw you during the test. You’re good.” Eren stands. His gaze is colder than steel when he cuts across Jean. “But you decide to waste that skill and hide. To continue living your lazy, pleasant life while the true battle is out there and our true enemies are out there. If you weren’t that selfish, you could actually make a difference, Kirschstein.”

Jean moves, but you move faster, jumping between them and shoving Eren out of the way hard enough that his hips knock against the table. From the corner of your eyes you see Mikasa half-standing from her seat, only held back by Armin.

She doesn’t matter.

What matters is this violent impulse that blooms in your head so sudden that it surprises even yourself. It’s a cold kind of rage, the kind that must have been simmering under pressure for some time, but you haven’t noticed it before. Now it’s boiling over and no lid can contain it.

Because when Eren said lazy, pleasant life you think of Jean picking up your broken pieces patiently, even though most of the time your tantrums didn’t make any sense to him—he built you back up from scratch when nothing else helped. His kindness, beautiful like those small flowers blooming on top of prickly cacti. When Eren said selfish you see Jean, exhausted from lack of sleep, spending day and night at his mother’s side when she got sick with worry when you two finally told Ida and Felix you were going to join the military. When Eren said coward last time, you remember how Jean, when one of his friends dunked your head inside a full rain barrel, accusing you of cheating because you had outrun him, broke the boy’s hand.

“You’re acting real high and mighty for someone who hasn’t ever killed a Titan, you know,” you hiss, channelling the anger swelling inside you. “Why is it so hard to accept that some of us just don’t. Want. To. Fight?” Each word struggles to get free, clutched tightly by your gritted teeth until you choke on them.

“Those who don’t want to fight don’t get it.” Eren cuts his hand through the air in irritation. “If he had seen that day—”

“So you think he should have been there? That everyone here should have witnessed the horror and … and suffered through it and lost their homes just to get it? Is that what you want?!”

Eren jerks back as if you’ve slapped him, looking faintly greenish. “I didn’t say that,” he whispers, now pale from anger, making his green eyes stand out ghostly against his sheet-white skin.

“But it’s what you think, right? You and the rest of us, but only we are wrong for what we think.”

“If what you think is that staying inside the Walls forever is how we are meant to live, then yes. You. Are. Wrong!”

Rage floods through you, a hot current through your veins. Your fists are shaking, but if you move them away from your sides to hook your fingers around the fabric of your shirt everyone will notice how much you want to curl them around something. Preferably Eren’s throat.

Suddenly, the door to the mess hall slams open. Shadis, filling out the whole frame, glares into the room and with that, the tension snaps in two like a stem and withers.

“Is there,” he begins, his piercing eyes pinning Eren and you like butterflies on a corkboard, “a problem here, maggots?”

Eren and you both open your mouths, and you aren’t sure if you’re about to start history’s worst case of he-said-she-said in front of your military instructor. Before anything can happen, Mikasa yanks Eren back down into his chair by his collar, and Jean gives a hard yank on your arm, dragging you back to your table. The crowd disperses. Shadis keeps staring at everyone for another good minute, keeps the peace and order with nothing but his presence and an expression that’s saying: I have to deal with you idiots during the day, do not make me have to spend the night watching you as well.

You have a hard time meeting anyone’s eyes at your table. Your anger is a deflated balloon, only a shrivelled shell and you aren’t proud they have to see it.

Marco breaks the silence first. “Remind me not to make you angry,” he says in a soft voice, like he’s talking to an agitated animal.

You try to laugh, but your throat closes up around the sound and it comes out a bit more like you’re drowning. “Don’t touch my peaches and we’re good.” He places one hand flat against his heart, the other raised with its open palm to you; swearing it.

When you glance over to Jean, he makes a point of meeting your gaze, a silent declaration of gratitude and loyalty. Under the table, his foot taps against yours. Like it did two years ago at the Kirschstein’s dinner table when you struggled to take proper breaths because the sound of Ida mashing potatoes reminded you of bones breaking and flesh squishing under cold, heavy stone. He’s asking: You okay?

You tap back, once. Yeah.

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taglist: @arisu003, @brooki

A/N:

Reader: I don’t care about Jean’s appearance

Also reader: describes Jean’s appearance poetically for a whole paragraph

**

You guessed it. Because there aren’t really antagonists during the Cadet Corps, I created my own (and they’re gonna make it everyone’s problem lol)

**

Eren starts out with his insufferable anime-persona in this one because I want to give him some growth and see how he matures after meeting everyone in the Cadet Corps, so sorry if he seems a little too extreme or out of character! I actually prefer his manga-version. So don’t worry, we’ll get there. And yeah, reader isn’t a saint either for putting words into his mouth lol. Angsty teenagers 👏👏

**

Also let’s play a game. What flower would you assign to which character lol (reader as well!) I love language of flowers so much I wish I was good at drawing I’d made so many AoT tarot cards with language of flowers themes

I’ll start.

Reader: locust tree; Love Beyond the Grave / dogwood - Love Undiminished by Adversity Emil: bittersweet; The Truth Lies Hidden / zephyr; Waiting / forget-me-not; Forget Me Not

Eren: red camellia - Fire in my Heart / hyacinth - My Heart in Battle Armin: violet - Loyalty / chamomile - Energy in Adversity Mikasa: heliotrope - Devotion; to ‘Turn Towards the Sun’ / mountain ash - With Me You are Safe

Jean: lunaria - Honesty Marco: michaelmas daisy - Farewell

Reiner: heather - Protection Bertholdt: clove - I Have Loved You & You Haven’t Known It / yellow acacia - Secret Love Annie: thorn apple - My Heart Concealed by Thorns

Just to name a few and make everyone sad. Go back to this after the very last chapter of this story lol

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

What would Shaun (father)’s reaction be to his mother being pregnant (quintuplets) with one of her companions’ children? The partner and the Sole are thinking of getting married too.

(Assuming this is the male companions-)

Danse:

Father-

"You..you don't even understand how bad this is..do you? Not only does this..this thing think it's a part of our greatest threat, but it's a machine! Mother, have you no care? How..how did this even happen..I didn't even think these things could reproduce..*sigh*."

•He greatly disapproves. Danse, no matter what state he is in..even if he is magically reprogrammed- will never be considered "good enough" in Father's eyes. He is a synth. Property. It's a bad look as future director to have messed up and reproduced so abundantly with institute property.

Shaun-

"Mom..are you gonna be alright? Maybe me and Dad can find a way to make your power armour really big- wait, I didn't mean for that come off that way! It's just..five?! In there?! You need to be safe.."

•Danse will have to probably give Shaun a new project to tinker with alongside him just to get him not to blow a gasket.

Deacon:

Father-

"I suggest you cut all ties with him..immediately."

•Father is still pissed, but at least it isn't the product of a synth and you..

•With deacon being a part of the Railroad, there is too big of a risk of The Institue being compromised. He'll make you choose between the two..

Shaun-

"You aren't actually gonna let Da name my brothers..sisters..or both..all those dumb names he said, right?"

•Genuine concern. Deacon had (hopefully) playfully said he was going to name all the expected babies after Shaun..just with creative ways to spell it..that way they could be S6.

Gage:

Father-

"I suggest you remove yourself from that filth and raise the children safely here..there's no telling what that trash you consider to be a partner would do. He may just as well sell them for the right amount of caps.."

•He understandably has no love for Gage...

Shaun-

"I can't wait!"

Hancock:

Father-

"This is..this is not funny, mother. Who is the real father? Surely a beast such as your..companion..couldn't possibly reproduce with a human..right? Youre..Youre not kidding..I..I need to contact a couple advisors.."

•Suspect being the subject of many more experiments...oh well, the name of science means everything..

Shaun-

"No kidding? That's great news! No more adventuring though, hm? Oh well, I'm sure I can get kleo to get me some scrap!"

•still concerned..but trusts in Hancock to make sure Youre alright.

Macready:

Father-

"There isn't any better matches for you, mother? *sigh* Very well..I suppose your wastelander will have to do.."

•Disappointed yet still astonished at how many children you managed to conceive. Those of which who were exposed to high levels of radiation were hard pressed to even have one child of they were lucky..so how you and Macready managed to have so many..wow.

Shaun-

"No way! me and Duncan can be supreme leaders! With that many on the way..we can have our own platoon! This is awesome!"

•Watch them.

Maxson:

Father-

"I..I had such great hopes for you. You've betrayed us all the very second you laid with that monster..you are banished.."

•Father sees this as the ultimate betrayal in his eyes. Maxson was the figurehead of potentially the most dangerous force to unravel all the progress he devoted his life to making..and he isn't wrong.

•For you to not only be considering being married to him, but to also bear his children..you've destroyed everything. There is no place for you in The Institute. You may be his mother, but that never mattered much anyways..and he has people he must protect as well.

Shaun-

"Heh, think I can be Paladin one day and have all my brothers and sisters under my command? That would be so cool!!"

•Shaun seriously thinks such a thing is attainable.

Preston:

Father-

"I..I'm not sure how you wish for me to react. The wasteland is no place for you to be venturing in this state..is..is there anyway your fiancé would be inclined to be stationed here in the safety of our home? Know this isn't something I'd usually consider..but given the circumstances, I hope this 'Preston' will be open to considering.."

•Probably your best bet.

•Still very concerned as to how you ended up with so many children in one go. You'll be regularly visiting the doctors.

Shaun-

"Mama, does this mean that you and papa won't be out helping settlements for a while?"

•He of course, asks this just to joke around..but he can't help but show his excitement at the idea of his parents finally being home for a while.

X6-88:

Father-

"A courser? I..i need to talk to some of the people in robotics..they shouldn't be able to reproduce- much less at such with such high potency.."

•Doesn't even consider your desire to be wed to X6..

•Disapproves of this union greatly.

Shaun-

"You and X?? Ewwww."

[voltronfandomhag]

Albegas/Gladiator Voltron Revisited

A few years ago I posted about Gladiator Voltron, the proposed third Voltron season which was to be adapted from Lightspeed Electroid Albegas. Ultimately it was abandoned in favor of producing another batch of Lion Voltron episodes. About a year ago Toei released the first two episodes of Albegas with English subtitles on Youtube. You can watch both episodes here and here. 

This post is meant to be an update of my first Gladiator Voltron/Albegas post, with more detail about the characters and setting. I also briefly share my thoughts on the show based on the two episodes available.

SETTING AND STORY

In the future, the nations of Earth have been at peace with each other for many years. Our three protagonists, Daisaku, Tetsuya, and Hotaru, are talented students at Aoda School, which is famous for its robotics program and located near Mt. Fuji. Their lives are turned upside down when the evil alien Derringer Empire, who already rules the galaxy, invades Earth. Earth’s only hope against this threat is the super robot Albegas and the three teenagers piloting it.

THE HEROES

Our heroes are teenagers who attend Aoda School in Japan. Each of them created a robot for a school competition. Their bots were later improved and modified so they could combine into Albegas. 

Daisaku Enjoji

Daisaku is brash, confident, loud-mouthed, and a total cad. Despite his bad grades, his skills in robotics are apparently superior to both Tetsuya and Hotaru’s. He comes from a working class family consisting of his painter father, stay-at-home mother, cheeky younger brother Jiro, and a younger sister. Both he and Tetsuya have a crush on Hotaru, though Daisaku is more blatant and perverted about it. His hobby is soccer. Pilots Alpha Robo (black).

Tetsuya Jin

Tetsuya comes across as more reserved than his two teammates. Like the others, he’s a student at Aoba School and skilled in robotics. It’s unknown what his grades are like, but at least one of his teachers, Ms. Danko Kibi, scolds him for his rebellious attitude. He and his sister grew up orphans with no other family to take care of them. Currently he lives alone in the school dorms. Tetsuya feels lonely and envies those who still have parents. What happened to his parents, along with the whereabouts of his sister, aren’t mentioned in the first two episodes. Unfortunately, he’s  something of a slob; his dorm room is a mess. Like Daisaku, he also has a crush on Hotaru. However, he’s more subtle about it and expresses exasperation at Daisaku’s pervy antics towards her. His hobby is playing guitar. Pilots Beta Robo (blue).

Hotaru Mizuki

Hotaru is the daughter of Professor Mizuki; her mother isn’t mentioned, but it’s implied she’s been out of the picture for a long time. Beautiful, intelligent, and feminine, she’s the star of Aoba School and her class representative. Despite being adored by her teachers and the heartthrob of her male classmates, she’s bullied by her female peers. She also longs for a mother figure; there’s a scene where Hotaru outright tells her father and his assistant, Saeko Asabuki, that she approves of their relationship and hopes they get married so Saeko can be her stepmother. While annoyed by Daisaku’s caddish ways, it’s implied the attraction might be mutual. Her hobby is tennis. Pilots Gamma Robo (red).

SUPPORTING CHARACTERS

The allies, family, and friends of our heroes. 

Goro Kumai

HIS JAPANESE BLOOD TINGLES! A well-meaning but bumbling classmate of the main trio who serves as the show’s comic relief. Goro does his best to help defend Earth with his self-made gorilla robot but he’s simply out of his league. Daisaku considers him a burden while Hotaru pities him.  He has an unreciprocated crush on Hotaru. 

Professor Mizuki

A brilliant scientist and Hotaru’s father. His knowledge of robotics is second to none. After the main trio’s robots were nearly destroyed by invading Derringer, he not only rebuilt them, but made them much more powerful and able to combine into Albegas. He also serves as both a mentor and the voice of reason; he tries to encourage the trio to exercise caution and patience. However, his words often fall on deaf ears, and the trio’s insistence on rushing headlong into battle against his repeated warnings frustrates him. But he believes in the trio’s abilities. It’s implied he’s sweet on his assistant, Saeko Asabuki.

Saeko Asabuki

Professor Mizuki’s assistant and love interest. She’s soft spoken, beautiful, and lady-like. Hotaru wants her as a stepmother.

Ms. Danko Kibi

An overbearing, outspoken and strong willed teacher at Aoba School. She takes her job very seriously, is fiercely proud of the school, and believes it’s important her students grow to be strong, stout, and fearless. Despite not being the head teacher, she often gets her way through sheer force of personality.

THE VILLAINS

The villains aren’t very fleshed out, but given I only had two episodes, that’s not very surprising. Anyway, the Derringer are an evil purple-skinned alien race of conquers who have set their sights on Earth. They desire our planet for its beauty and consider humans primitive. Albegas is humanity’s only effective weapon against their superior technology. Their giant robot Mecha-Fighters are the Derringer’s most fearsome weapon.

Lord Deran the Great

Supreme ruler of the Derringer. We don’t actually see him in these episodes. The only information we learn about him is he desires all things beautiful as his own.

President Azass

The leader of the invading Derringer force stationed in a base orbiting Earth.

General Duston

President Azass’s top officer, at least during these first two episodes. He’s ruthless, prideful, and doesn’t take humans seriously.

General Catastra

Another army officer on President Azass’s orbital base. 

Dyme

Yet another Derringer officer. He considers Duston an incompetent moron for not taking Albegas more seriously as a threat 

LIGHTSPEED ELECTROID ALBEGAS

The three robots that compose Albegas (Alpha Robot, Beta Robo, and Gamma Robo) were not originally designed to combine together. Instead they were individually built by the main trio as entries into a school competition. When the Derringer attacked Japan, the three teens attempted to fight off the invaders in their robots, but were soundly defeated. Professor Mizuki, seeing the robots’ potential, both rebuilt and heavily modified them, making them far more powerful and able to combine together into multiple configurations. However, the three pilots, at first, don’t know and understand just how extensive the modifications were despite Professor Mizuki’s repeated warnings. Unfortunately, circumstances in the first two episodes have not given them time for proper training. As a result, the pilots are learning about Albegas’s abilities, and how to use them, in the heat of combat.

As stated, the robot comprising Albegas can combine in different ways, with each combination having its own specialization.

Denjin Dimension

Alpha, Beta, Gamma. This is the basic combat configuration. Can use the finishing move Denjin Sanbai Sword.

Sky Dimension

Beta, Alpha, Gamma. We don’t see any of its abilities, but I’m guessing it specializes in flight and/or aerial combat. 

Professor Mizuki mentions four other modes: Space, Sea, Underground, and Rescue.

My Thoughts

Do I think American Voltron fans missed out by not having Albegas localized? Not really. Between this, Golion, and Dairuggar, I feel this was the weakest show of the three, and I don’t think it would’ve captured kid’s imaginations the way Lion Voltron did. Granted, in some ways Albegas has more elements in common with GoLion than Diaruggar: small number of pilots, planet bound, faster paced, and a simpler story. But, again, I only have two episodes to go by, so I could be wrong on some of those points. But I’m interested enough that I’d watch more episodes if they became available.

[tetsuwan-atom]

Holy Grail War - Unraveling

(So, this is basically something I’ve been meaning to write for weeks. It’s in a specific verse about a specific event that had unfolded, that was plotted out between a few people. I have decided to give this event a bit of a ‘conclusion’ from the perspective of my muse and canon, to show how the story could have gone, how it could have ended.)

~~~~~~~~~~~

It really was like hell.

It looked like it, felt like it, like this was the most evil place, in all of existence.

Another dimension, another world but not at the same time. An experience that would burn into the retinas forever. A world in a world, like you had stepped into the end of it all.

And it really did seem like it was the end, of it all.

You never expected the Holy Grail to look like this. A beacon of such evil, of apocalyptic catastrophe. The very symbol that brought such chaos, time and time again, feeding upon the greed, the selfishness, of those who sought to use it to it’s truest potential.

But this individual wasn’t here for that.

This person had fought through the war. He had faced countless forces, foes, enemies. How many had to die? How many brought no other option to him, despite his attempts to make it out of the war without bloodshed?

A wishful outcome, that was doomed to perish.

The many he did save, those who joined him on the cause. Those he had to leave behind at the very end. Despite the pleas of those who tried to remain, he knew, he had to take care of this himself.

Because, there can only be one.

And here he stood. He stared evil right in the face, like it was his destiny to face this. There could have been others that would have taken his place, the sibling princesses, the spiky haired schoolboy, the Sorceress Supreme, but in the end he took his objective right to this moment.

He knew he had to take care of this himself.

Bowen Chuuno, The Mighty Atom.

He stared at the embodiment of the Holy Grail. He knew of it’s power, it’s energy, it’s deceit. How it calls out to him even now to turn back on all of his goals and make a wish he so deemed to come right from the heart.

But he knew better than to give in.

Hands gripped his IDND, a step forward in stance. He’s ready. He’s about to take the matters into his own.

To put an end to this.

For goo-

“Oh! There you are!”

Eyes widen in surprise. The male hesitates, stops, lowers his device. He’s not alone after all.

There is someone else here.

A voice, he recognises. A man he knows.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

Adachi Shiro.

A supposed detective of the National Police Agency, sent to Academy City to investigate the concerns that were happening literally during the time of the Holy Grail War. A very strange coincidence. One that the male took with quite a bit of suspicion at that, despite his cheerful character.

He only turned his head, to the man in question.

“What are you doing here, Adachi? How did you get in?”

“What do you mean? I just walked through. I was asking your friends where you were and they pointed me here. I gotta admit they were all acting strange. They didn’t want to let me pass, but I needed to see you. They can’t just interfere with police business like that.”

Adachi had been Bowen’s ‘sidekick’ throughout the war. Of course Bowen couldn’t hide it from him when the fighting started getting bad. Even he knew better than to lie to a cop.

“I’m busy. What you require of me can wa-.”

“Hey.” The man interjected. “Is this the ‘grail’ you’ve been looking for? Kinda looks odd for a piece of metal, doesn’t it?”

In case your wondering, yes, this man does get on Bowen’s nerves... especially right now, though he knew to remain calm.

“...........Yes. This... is the Holy Grail.”

“Aahhhhhhhh! Well done! I knew you would be the one to make it! Them bad guys got nothing on you, huh?”

His smile is just... why does it irritate him so much?

“...I guess...”

“So, what you going to do, huh? You said it grants a wish, right? I bet you planned this right from the very beginning, what you wanted out of it. I can’t believe I’m here to witness a man’s dream finally being granted!”

“I’m not going to give it a wish, Adachi.”

“You’re... not?” He looks surprised, for sure. “But you came all this way. I was there as you kicked those guys butts for the good of the world. Why would you come all this way if you weren’t going to make a wish? Weren’t you going to do something for mankind? Weren’t you going to save it?”

Bowen hadn’t told Adachi of his intentions, because he didn’t feel the man needed to know. But now, right at the last moment, when he couldn’t hide it anymore, there was no reason to lie.

“I am going to do something for mankind, I am going to save it.....”

The blonde grips his IDND, as if readying himself a second time.

“....By destroying the grail for good..”

“....”

There was this... pause. A silence, an awkward silence. How long did it last for? Probably a good ten, fifteen seconds, before some form of response was found from the arrival.

“Hmmmmmhmhmhmhmhm...”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!”

...That was an unexpected reaction, one which actually brought the blonde to turn around and face the other, still serious, but with confusion now mixed into his features.

Why the hell was Adachi... laughing?

“You, you really think I’d actually let you destroy this artifact of grand power?!?”

“What... are you on about?”

“Come now. You’ve got a good brain, you can figure this all out. Am I really a cop? Why did I actually hang around you of all people while this shit was going down, huh?”

“......”

”You know. I found it really weird that you showed up out of nowhere right at the start of the war. Then when things started heating up you reeeeallly didn’t act like I’d expect out of a cop. It was like you weren’t too caring when people were driven to death. You were also acting very strange when certain things were going on. I had a feeling you were in this war all along.”

There was this pause, but in that moment, the expression on Adachi’s face began to change... no his FACE began to change. It turned.. paler... in colour.. and his eyes.. they were turning yellow. A sort of... sickly... unsettling yellow.

“....”

“Well it doesn’t matter in the end, does it? I got exactly what I wanted. I played you to ensure you were the one at the very end. Nobody else could match up to you anyway.”

“...What do you mean?”

“Don’t play coy with me! You know exactly why. Your reputation precedes you far more than what you understand about it! While everybody else was distracted I kept my eye on the real threat. They were so worried about that dumb boy and that girl.. and then the others. They were all so useless. ”

The man then begins to circle the blonde, in conversation.

“Right at the beginning my eyes were on you. But it was quite a ride, wasn’t it? You were so good at minimising the work we had to do, putting people on side, finding some way to drop them from the war without killing them. But man everybody was making it hard, wasn’t it? I almost took advantage of that situation when the lucky kid got sent away. Can you believe it, a fake marriage just for the war! I knew it meant shit at the end of the day. More people, more mess, a whole Kingdom trying to get in on the war, those two princesses asserting their dominance. Remember how you reacted at first? You didn’t like them intruding, didn’t you?”

“...I don’t like getting others involved. But they were here for the same goal. As long as the initial plan was followed there wouldn’t be any problems.”

“But the younger one was such a real bitch about it! Making it out that it wasn’t all about you. You didn’t want to be playing second fiddle as others meddled in your objective... I can relate, for they were meddling, in MY affairs!”

“I had to take a breather after all that. I left Academy City for a bit while you cleaned up the trash. Some ‘fighter’ chick caught me talking to myself one day. I tried to downplay it cause I didn’t want more people coming into it but.. the stupid bitch nearly got sucked into it! It would have been soooo funny, seeing a tourney fighter getting wrecked by some loaded-ass Servant! More junk for the janitors to mop up!”

“But then too... I was laughing at the beginning. You got paired with Stacia Sequenzia! An ‘Atomite’ helping another Atomite! The irony there is laughable! You even tried to put her on the sidelines too, but you know, Servants are there to help their masters! I wonder if you ever had to perform a Mana Transfer on her!”

A laugh escaped the man. He wasn’t looking for an actual answer.

“Then there was that guy who just muscled in just to fight everyone, he wasn’t even IN the war. What a waste of fuckin’ time. And the Makiris, the Einsworths. Those fools were all bickering and bitching and making a mess of things. I nearly lost my cover when the war was to move to England.. but I got to pull some... strings and keep it here where I wanted. They were all so concerned about the lucky kid. I was ‘lucky’ I didn’t get to see Violent Violet or that Crowley moron come around to the war. I got to focus my efforts on you while the families shat on about their supposed ‘vessel’.”

“...Vessel... you mean... Index?”

“You dumb piece of shit. Index. Please. Everyone looks at her like she’s a fucking meal. No. She is not their ‘vessel’. Come on, think. Think reeealll hard. Do you remember a girl that the idiot took under his wing?”

“Her... you mean.. Akatsuki Miyuki?!”

“Mmm! Strange isn’t it? They were going to use her as a vessel. Too bad it wouldn’t have worked. I wasn’t interested. I don’t give a shit about humans and homunculi anymore. None of them lived up to my expectations. I wouldn’t have even used your girl either. No, I only had one person on my mind. I got what I wanted in the end, didn’t I?”

“....That’s... me... isn’t it?”

“Oh. No duh, what do you think? Of course I mean you. The Mighty Atom! The one with the power to change it all! It had to be you. The boy would have just been a candy bar. Those two princesses? I would have just killed them the moment they tried to walk through into my space! It was ME that made you an initial participant, it was ME that got you through right until the end. I knew you weren’t going to risk the suffering of those around you because maybe deep down you knew it had to be you, that anyone else would have died one way or another. They all underestimate my power... even those influenced by gods.. but not you. You knew what I can do... you knew it had to be you.”

“....But then... what are you... if you wanted so much.. out of me?”

“...Do I need to spell it out for you, boy? I AM the Holy Grail!”

That.. that was a bombshell.. he didn’t see that coming at all.

“...Y..you...”

“Yes. Me. But I’m rather an extension of the beast, allowed to roam in a body that people could lower their guard around. Nobody ever expected the beast would grow intelligent, to form a mind of it’s own. I’ve seen it, I’ve seen how greedy and malicious humans can get, for peace and for power. I was never surprised by how much they wanted to take over everything for themselves... I always enjoyed it when they were the ones losing right at the end. And then there’s those that want a ‘utopia’, but still kill, still maim, like any life is a sacrifice for the good of others. And then I kill and maim them, an eye for an eye, along with many many others. I loved playing on their wishes, lulling them in, bringing out their true nature, leaving them vulnerable right at the moment I strike! In the end they all get absorbed... ready for the next war. But.... no matter how powerful they are, it’s never... ever enough..”

“I’m bored of this game, this charade. I’m sick and tired of prancing around in a shit body. It’s still fun to prey on the gullible but, I have always yearned for something far... far greater. What I am... what I really, really am, they never suspect what I can really, really do, what they were playing with from the start. The power they were using. They thought they could play god... for their sick, twisted gains! Through their sick, twisted means!”

“But now I’m actually going to become one... thanks to you.. I’m going to be born, properly born! I’m going to burst forth as the being I should have become in the very beginning. Humanity will crumble as I consume anything and everything. Mark my words this will be the last Grail War because of you. You soul will be used to complete the process... it will make me... me! There was truly no vessel greater than you! Even now I’ve been slowly draining your energy away to grow, to develop... oh isn’t this exciting! You’re going to be a part of multi-universal history, the end of everything! Nobody will get in my way! Your power will make everything happen at once! You, responsible for the end of it all. The beginning and the end, death for life, the rise and the fall! Everybody shall die, your friend, your girl, your family, everything and everyone... and you will be the sacrifice that starts it all! It’s inevitable, boy. You cannot fight what has already happened, what was lead to happen. The game of cat and mouse is over. This is your fate. This is my fate. The less you struggle.. the easier it will be, for both of us!”

...Boy... this was a lot to take in. A LOT to take in.. and he didn’t even have the time to process it all, not when he was actually being affected right now. Inhale, exhale, carefully, gently. Remain composed.. then face the man head on.

“Adachi.”

"You know, as well as I do, I'm not going to willingly give in to you and just let this happen. You know what I am, what I do.. and what I'm going to be doing right here, right now. Your words have further influenced me in the belief that the Grail must be destroyed. And it will be destroyed. I made that promise to everyone, to Camellia, to Academy City, to my world, to Touma... to my beloved. I had an inkling I might have been targeted, that if I wasn't the one doing it, I'd be made to do it. I always had this feeling in the back of my mind that if I let others try ahead of me that they were only going to die in the end... turns out I was right."

His eyes began to glow. The usual process, close the eyes, then open them with sparks flying.

"So rather than causing more death, rather than beating around the bush, I'm going to take the matters as I was always planning to do. This was always my fight, because I was always the target. You wanted me. You have me... but man I'm not going to give up until I have no breath left. I have done so much for the multiverse, for Academy City. I never thought I'd be in a position where it all hinged in the balance like this. I know the stakes... I know what I must do. Whatever it takes, you will be destroyed for good, so that nobody can use you... so that you... can no longer use anybody. I won't let you live. I will not bring your birth. If I have to erase your very soul and existence to end this, then so be it."

“.... Well, so much for making this easy. I had a feeling your resolve was too great to kneel before me. No matter..”

“....But then there is no harm in having one last bit of fun before the next stage of life! And it would be better to wear down your.. rambunctiousness to make it easier for me to devour. Do not underestimate me... either way.. this.. will be your end!”

...And as the darkness swelled, the blonde readied his IDND again, at the man, at the embodiment of the Holy Grail. If this was to be his final fight, so be it.

This... would be the very fight that decides the fate of everything.

Of Academy City, of the multiverse, of everything.

So it shall be.

Game on.......

[eat-the-richard]

Sonic’s 30th: What it could be and what it won’t be

Well folks, it's about that time again. Our beloved Sonic thee Hedgehog is turning the big three-oh this year.

I say that time “again” because, y’know, it seems like we just went through this. The last mainline Sonic releases, Sonic Mania and Sonic Forces, were both revealed as part of Sonic’s 25th anniversary. In a sense, that’s all us fans really have to look forward to anymore. Waiting for about five-or-so rotations around the sun to pass until SEGA can slap that big number next to Sonic’s mug to usher out as much celebratory marketing material as they can, all for the chance to get a smidgen of new video games to get our hands on.

This anniversary feels... different, though. Last anniversary SEGA had an absolute winner on their hands in Sonic Mania. There was no way the team behind that one could possibly mess up. And even if Sonic Forces turned out like... that, it at least made sense from SEGA’s perspective to greenlight a game like it during that time. But the five years since those games were announced have done little to assuage my worries about what exactly is planned for this year’s big game.

You see, Sonic has kind of vanished. He’s lost. M.I.A.. Which feels strange. Even during the supposed “dark age” of Sonic, he never really went anywhere. New games were still being produced like clockwork for a whole host of gaming systems. From mainline titles to spinoffs, dedicated Sonic fans had a lot to sink their teeth into back then. Since the release of Forces, all we really have to show for ourselves is a (personally) insignificant expansion to Sonic Mania and a new racing title which, frankly, didn’t set the world on fire when it was released. I suppose there’s a whole host of mobile titles that I didn’t mention but it’s difficult to get excited over yet another Sonic auto-runner. Perhaps most bafflingly, there haven’t even been many ports of older Sonic titles to modern hardware. If the mid-2000s were the dark ages of Sonic, perhaps right now we’re living in the “silent age,” where basically nothing is even happening and the franchise is at an eternal standstill.

The sole exception to this self-titled silent era was the Sonic movie, which I don’t think anyone anticipated being as big of a success as it was. Including the studio behind it. And especially including SEGA. It was utterly baffling to me that, upon the film’s release, there was nothing in the way of a tie-in game. Nothing directly associated with the movie. Nothing separate to release alongside the movie. Nothing. Some have speculated that SEGA was supremely unconfident in the film and it's hard to argue otherwise. It seems that, in a sense, the movie was a success in spite of the company the IP is linked with.

That’s why this anniversary feels more peculiar than the last one. At least Sonic was doing something in the early 2010s. Perhaps nothing groundbreaking, but he was at least around. If it hadn’t been for the movie, how in the world would the series be attracting new fans? This anniversary needs to be big. It needs to be the explosive re-emergence of Sonic to not only please the jaded oldies but the next generation of kids. And… I just don’t anticipate anything of the sort.

To me, Sonic Team has about four directions they could take the 30th anniversary game. Here they are, listed in descending order of likelihood.

4. A new “boost” game. Sonic Team ain’t opening that can of worms again.

3. A new “classic Sonic” game. While Christian Whitehead’s new studio has been deafeningly silent since forming, I believe that we’d have a bit more information about a Sonic Mania sequel by now if that was indeed in development.

2. Something entirely different.

1. Sonic Adventure 3 (or comparable analog).

Now, your reaction to that list may differ depending on your preferences and the year you were born. To me, something evoking nostalgia to the two Sonic Adventures is the safest and most likely choice for SEGA and Sonic Team. Just as classic nostalgia permeated through the 2010s, Adventure nostalgia will trailblaze full force through the 2020s. There are a lot of people whose only exposure to Sonic at all is playing Sonic Adventure 2 Battle on their GameCube. And the only way those people could potentially get funneled back into the series is through a proper Sonic Adventure 3, or at least something like it.

This, of course, says nothing about the overall quality of what this new Adventure title would be. And really, this is my main concern with the 30th anniversary. Can I even trust Sonic Team anymore to put out a good game?

Regardless of style, I’m unconfident to say the least. The staff that worked on the Adventure titles are not at SEGA anymore. The staff that spearheaded the “boost trilogy” of Unleashed, Colors, and Generations are not at SEGA anymore. And modern-day Sonic Team’s idea of something entirely different is, well, unappealing. Sonic Lost World proved that trying to change the core of the series for its own sake leads to a bland and uninspiring experience. And Forces? Oh… Forces.

Really, Forces is the main reason why I’m so disillusioned. Maybe it was that I was excited for the grand return of the boost. Maybe it was that I loved Generations so much that a proper sequel to it couldn’t possibly be bad. Instead of being a sequel to Generations, though, it tries to be everything at once. A game to appeal to the classic fans, the Adventure fans, the boost fans, those whole love complicated narratives, those who love the many characters this series has, and, obviously, the Original Character Artists™. Jack of all trades, master of nothing. A directionless, soulless game that in some instances is seemingly artificially-generated.

If this spectacular 30th anniversary Sonic game is something entirely different, it had to break an astounding amount of new ground. It had to rethink and reshape the series so drastically that, honestly, I don’t think it's very likely. I don’t think Sonic Team has even the slightest clue about what makes their flagship IP so appealing to so many people. If the nostalgia-fueled 2010s are any indication, SEGA only understands what makes Sonic so popular on a superficial level. 

They know we liked the 2D games, so now EVERY game has 2D in it! Oh, they didn’t like that Sonic has green eyes. Well, let’s bring back the CLASSIC version of Sonic. Let’s actually make him his own character who will also appear in every game! 

New zone ideas? LMAO how about we reuse the same set of classic levels over and over! Green Hill? YES! Chemical Plant? Of course! Let’s make an entire game that has both Sonics running around in a bunch of old zones. Wait, didn’t we just do that idea last year for Sonic 4 Episode 1? And aren’t we going to do that idea NEXT year for Sonic 4 Episode 2? WAIT DID SOMEONE SAY CHECKERBOARD PATTERNS IN WINDY HILL ZONE!???!!!! 

Oh wait, Christian Whitehead just pitched to us a brand new 2D Sonic game with classic physics and new levels? We’ll let him do it, but ONLY if it is ANOTHER nostalgia game that reuses old zones! 

Let’s inundate our fans with the same images of their childhood to activate their dopamine receptors! 

I can hardly wait for what this team’s idea of Sonic Adventure nostalgia looks like. Hope you really like City Escape.

Really, while such appeals to nostalgia are welcome the first few times, after a while it starts to get grating. Sonic Team leaning so hard into it during the 2010s reeks to me of desperation. As if the constant callbacks are the only thing the team knows how to do to link new games with the rest of the series. 

In actuality, fans don’t like Sonic because of the classic design or 2D-platforming or Green Hill Zone. They may like those things, but it isn’t why they continue to support the series. Fans love Sonic so fervently because, when he hits on all cylinders, he really hits. His games play in a supremely rewarding way where skill mastery is key. The better you are at Sonic, the better you feel while playing it. The personalities and designs of all of the different characters, from Sonic to Tails to Vector the freakin’ Crocodile, are not only distinct from each other but bleed through into gameplay in the way that they control and in how they are animated. Sonic’s best stories are ones that people can really relate to, dealing with a whole host of themes such as environmentalism, resisting fascism, surpassing expectations, and even the concept of free will among nonhuman entities. Not especially deep, but certainly thought provoking, especially for kids. All tied together with top notch visual and audio design that will stand the test of time. I’d posit that, while people like Sonic for a whole host of reasons, their starting point lies somewhere in the above explanation.

Hopefully, Sonic Team has realized by now that nostalgia will only get them so far. While a Sonic Adventure 3 would turn heads, it wouldn’t push the series forward. While a proper sequel to Sonic Mania would be a critical darling, it would continue to keep Sonic’s feet firmly planted in 1991. Sonic needs to evolve. He needs to change. And it seems like a change is happening. Roger Craig Smith, the voice of Sonic for the last 10 years, is no longer working with the series. The new TV series, Sonic Prime, is set to take place in a “strange new multiverse.” Even the Sonic movie refuses to lean on nostalgia too hard. 

So maybe the future will be set in unfamiliar waters. But if this is the case, I don’t want SEGA to half ass it. I want them to boldly step into that abyss with a vision of Sonic that appeals to the heart of the fandom. Because, even if it's been down recently, that heart is still beating, and after the abuse it's already taken, it’s going to take a hell of a lot to get it to stop. And if SEGA can get this heart pumping to its full extreme as it had in years past, we may have something legendary to look forward to.

They could also just release a bunch of old Sonic games on Switch. I’d like that too.

[chibimyumi]

Furutod vs Sebastyun

Dear @gisellehexen89,

First of all, I am very happy you seem to be enjoying my blog! And thank you for the interesting ask.

I think the best way to find out what ‘Elisabeth’ is is to read up on it, or watch it yourself; it is impossible to explain everything in a post. After having learned what the musical is about, and you’re interested in how TOHO staged it in 2019, I recommend reading my full art reports:【ACT 1】 and 【ACT 2】. These two reports also show my general thoughts on Sissi (^ω^)

Now instead, I shall dedicate this post to making a comparison between Furutod and Sebastyun.

Furutod vs Sebastyun

When Furukawa’s role as Der Tod was initially announced, most people believed he would be very similar to Sebastian. It is an easy trap: both characters are non-human, have very little scruples, are fiercely attractive, and the theme of obsession is omnipresent.

But honestly, that’s it. That’s all the similarities these two share.

1. Status

The biggest difference between Furutod and Sebastyun is their status. Furutod is the Lord of the Underworld (黄泉の帝王), and absolute authority over life and death of all that is alive. Sebastian meanwhile, is bound to servitude who cannot even wield full autonomy of his own. Needless to say, their difference in power status decides everything in their respective behaviours.

1.1. Sebastian

Let us look at Sebastyun first. All three Kuromyus from the Furukawa era show very clearly that Sebastian is very limited in many fields, but the difference between the ‘mask of the butler’ vs ‘the raving demon’ is clearest in ‘Tango on the Campania’.

In the scene with Edward, we see the boy pulling rank on ‘a mere butler’. Edward was basically threatening O!Ciel using Sebastian, while hiding behind the face of ‘a loving brother’. There was nothing Sebastian could do as a mere servant, so he very explicitly checks first whether Edward had left, before he could show his true reaction: “whatever.”

In the cinematic record too, Sebastyun clearly disagreed with what his master demanded of him, and he only showed his BIG ATTITUDE after the boy had left.

Likewise, as explained in this post, because Sebastian is always bound to servitude, his autonomy (or whatever little he has) is something he treasures a lot. His only outlet of freedom is being pedantic and obtuse. Sebastyun takes it a step further by being passive-aggressive on top, a trait Furukawa has made his Sebastian famous for.

Obviously Sebastyun sees fun in doing so, but this is undeniably the result of a long history of getting his autonomy denied. He is the servant in the shadows who needs to wield power within other people’s boundaries.

1.2. Der Tod

As I mentioned above, Der Tod is the Lord of the Underworld, and as Furukawa himself interprets, represents the authority over both life and death. He never has to ask for a ‘yes’, other people’s consent or opinions are non-consequential to him. He takes lives because he can, and nobody can punish him for it.

Being an existence who never needs to learn accepting a ‘no’, he does not need to put up a face, because he never needs to make compromises. Der Tod is SO used to getting his way, that teasing the possibility of ‘not getting his way’ is even a game to him.

1.3. Comparison

Sure, Sebastian also teases and pushes his limits sometimes, but unlike Der Tod, Sebastian does have to consider having to reap what he sows. If Sebastian fails and breaks his contract, surely something terrible awaits him. But Der Tod? Nah... his Death Angels will clean up his mess.

Der Tod can afford to make mistakes in playing with his prey, unlike Sebastian. In The Last Dance↑, we see Furutod make the biggest miscalculation; scaring Elisabeth. Had he not scared her, then Elisabeth might have been quicker in agreeing to die for him.

Unlike Der Tod who has minions to clean up his mess, Sebastyun does need to make careful calculations.

2. Understanding and Interest

Another major difference between Der Tod and Sebastian is their understanding of and interest in human beings.

2.1. Sebastian

The thing Sebastian keeps saying is how interesting humans are; Sebastyun is the scientist always hungry for more knowledge, and humans fascinate him to no end. In ‘Tango on the Campania’ even with debilitating pain, he was smiling with the excitement at human behaviour.

He also makes use of whatever knowledge he has acquired throughout his centuries on earth to get what he wants or needs. Like I said above, at some point in history Sebastyun learned that fear would cause a human to shut down, so he was careful in not scaring Beast, lest she might not open up to him.

Had Sebas been a bit of a dumb-dumb and scared Beast the way he did in the manga, or the way Der Tod scared Elisabeth, then he would have failed his mission logically speaking.

2.2 Der Tod

Der Tod in contrast, always gets his way, so he does not need to understand humans to achieve anything. But more importantly, he is superbly uninterested in understanding humans. The only reason he shows interest in humans is for himself; he wants to bend humans to flatter his own ego. “If Elisabeth finally begs to die, then I AM the victor. If Rudolf commits suicide, then I manipulated him.” Der Tod’s satisfaction is the goal of his actions.

As such, when Rudolf ‘HAD THE AUDACITY to bore LORD DEATH’, he bitchslapped him before taking his life. When in the end Furutod did get Elisabeth, but not in a satisfactory way that assured his baby ego that he’s the winner, he was disappointed and lost all vitality.

To Sebastyun however, the satisfaction is a bonus: it’s nice to have, but it’s more important to get a job done.

3. Mannerism

Another point of difference is their mannerisms. Sebastian is a mere servant, and therefore needs to keep to the shadows. He usually tries (though fails) to adhere to the Victorian code of ‘servants should be like furniture, speak only when spoken to’. (In truth, Sebastian talks way too much for a proper Victorian servant, but he tries! He tries. Give the butler some cookies for trying.)

Der Tod meanwhile, is the supreme overlord of all and everything, so he does not need to care about anything. Plus, he can turn invisible as he likes. Unlike Sebastyun who needs to suppress his laughter or any other commentaries, Furutod can get away with laughing like a f*cking hyena on crack during an Imperial wedding.

4. Ego

Lastly, another stark difference between Sebastian and Der Tod is their ego and their presentation of themselves.

4.1. Sebastian

In this post I explained how Sebastian is very willing to humble himself, to come in second place, or take whatever disadvantage voluntarily for the sake of achieving something he wants or needs to.

This is because Sebastian is very secure about himself, and the recognition of humans (cattle) means nothing to him. He does not need anybody to know how powerful he is, instead he takes greater pleasure in silently manipulating others, using humans’ own actions against themselves.

Yes, Sebastian does love to flex, but he does not do any of those things to increase his reputation. We can tell from Sebastian never lingering to check people’s oohs and aahs. It’s like how when we impress a toddler with something easy, we usually won’t indulge in the kid’s praise because we don’t feel an increase of social regard. Instead, the fact that the toddler is impressed with something so easy is more interesting to us.

Sebastian’s flexing seems more like an outlet because O!Ciel forbade him from showing his true potential, and it is frustrating to him. It is just like how we as (young) adults we are capable of understanding deep analyses, but get constantly told to read picture books, on top of also having be content with hearing: “how amazing, you can read a picture book! You are astonishing!!😱”

4.2. Der Tod

If Der Tod was not explicitly ‘death’ personified, I would say that Furutod is ‘huge ego and diva complex’ personified.

Despite being a more elevated being than Sebastian (the scavenger demon) is as Lord of the Underworld, Furutod does like being praised. Der Tod is and will always be above human beings, and that is as boring a fact as water being wet. As I explained in Art report act 1, Furutod suffers from ‘lethal apathy’, and in this sense he needs more than to know ‘that mortals are beneath him, that water is wet’. Furutod wants to know that the mortals fear him, and gets a kink out of mortals being on their knees for him. Der Tod is not just ‘death’, he is the personification of ‘human regard of death’; and the fear of death, is what unifies human kind, after all.

Another point in stark contrast with Sebastian is that Furutod does have kin near him: the Death Angels. The regard of mortals is nice, but he also likes keeping his minions impressed, because his kin’s reverence also means something to him. It is almost like Furutod wants to justify why he should be superiour to the Death Angels (even though his position is never challenged). He just gets a REALLY big kink out of praise, okay? ( ´艸｀)

Furutod’s enormous ego also shows itself in his diva-ness. When he is courting Elisabeth for example, he is basically behaving like a peacock. He takes Elisabeth’s hand and runs it through his silver hair, his ivory silken skin. “Look at me, feel me, human, I am SO drop dead gorgeous.”

Furutod also can’t handle being lower than anyone; whenever he has the chance he will literally place himself on higher footing.

Contrast this to Sebastyun who is always very willing to put himself lower than others. This ⇊ would be UNTHINKABLE for Furutod.

5. Conclusion

In conclusion, besides the ‘non-human character in a dark theme’ aspect, Sebastyun and Furutod really don‘t have anything in common.

5.1. Sebastian

The fact that Sebastyun is always bound to servitude whenever he is on Earth, and his lack of autonomy, shape his behaviour. His reputation on Earth has no meaning to him; Sebastyun is confident about what kind of Demon he is, and the opinions of ‘cattle’ are therefore insignificant to him. The only thing one must not challenge is whatever little autonomy he has left, and he will test and find the upper limit to wield it.

5.2. Der Tod

Furutod in contrast, only knows what it is like to be the most superiour being and never getting his authority challenged. He never had to learn to make compromises, nor does he ever have to deal with consequences. As such he is really a foot-stamping-toddler (Foot-stamping Der Toddler? Sorry.) with a toxic superiority complex and too much power.

Furutod’s supremacy is mind-numbingly boring to him, but there is no way to achieve something grander than what is already grandest. He is trapped in his own mind of toxic superiority and boredom, and will live the rest of eternity searching for entertainment. (It is kind of sad if you think about it......wait, I’m feeling bad for Der Tod? Hmm Furukawa, you really did add a whole new page to the history of ‘Elisabeth - das Musical’)

In short: where Furutod is eternally bored and has no prospect of getting sustainable entertainment, Sebastyun will always have something interesting he might run into.

[smokeybrandreviews]

The Tragedy of Rey Palpatine

I really, really, like Rey Skywalker, in concept. I think she could have been an amazing character and the perfect torch-bearer for the mythos going forward. After The Force Awakens, i was all in with this new trio of characters. Say what you will about Abrams, dude knows how to build a character. He knows how to write a story and Rey’s began wonderfully. She had all of the potential to be held in the same esteem as Mara Jade, Leia Organa, and Ahsoka Tano. Hell, Disney even introduced Chelli Aphra in the Vader comics, another brilliant, female character of Asian descent. Each of these characters were fleshed out, nuanced, and felt real. There is a humanity to them and, i imagine that’s where Abrams wanted to take Rey. Then The Last Jedi happened and ruined almost everything. I think it did a great service for Kylo Ren, overall, but everything else got a big fat Rian Johnson/Kathleen Kennedy sh*t all over it.

Abrams set up a ton of intriguing plots to explore going forward. The hints that Finn may be Force sensitive, the mystery of how Mas got a hold of Anakin’s lightsaber after Vader cut Luke’s hand off in Empire, who the f*ck was Snoke; All threads that could have been elaborated upon to embellish the new characters and give an opportunity to pass the torch on with the new characters. More than anything, the enigma of Rey Skywalker could have driven this trilogy of films in a direction for the ages. The seeds were there for greatness. Why did she hear Obi Wan in that flashback? Why was she spared by the Knights of Ren? Why did Ren know exactly what girl that trooper reported about? The only answer we got was that Rey was the spawn of a Palpatine clone and it was stupid.That reveal was the dumbest sh*t in Rise of Skywalker and there was a lot of dumb sh*t in that movie. Rise spent way too much time apologizing for what Last Jedi did to the mythos and had literally no time to fix the characters going forward. That’s how bad Kathleen Kennedy let Rian Johnson f*ck up.

I like the Last Jedi as a space opera. Hell, i even like it as a Star Wars side story in the vein of Solo or Rogue One. If those events happened in between VII and VIII, cool. But to be a mainline entry? Are you kidding? It just gets so much wrong about the overall lore while simultaneously sabotaging all of the character development and good will fostered by it’s predecessor. The level of f*ckery in The Last Jedi is ind of amazing. At it’s core, The Last Jedi s a fanfic, filled with OC characters, trying to “subvert” expectation to be more than it can or has any right to be. Rian Johnson wanted to make his movie, mythos be damned. Trilogy be damned. Kathleen Kennedy was okay with all of that as long as Johnson pushed her agenda and virtue signaled for all the “Girl Bosses” out there, which he did. The end result was a usual cool, collected, Resistance Ace, Poe Dameron, literally committing treason. We got a regression in the character of Finn, a former Stormtrooper turned rebel scum, a traitor to the First Order who literally got into a lightsaber duel with Vader’s grandson to protect his maybe-love interest, try to runaway like a f*cking coward, only to be tasered into a drooling mess by Rian Johnson’s Jar Jar binx. And the sh*t they did to Luke? That mess is criminal and an entire essay for another time. The Last Jedi f*cked everything up, forcing Abrams to course correct for two and half hours. This sh*t killed any momentum the Disney films had, it killed any semblance of a cohesive narrative going forward, and, worst of all, it murdered any semblance of Rey being more than a poorly written Mary-sue.

These new trilogies had every opportunity to be great. If they had someone with a reverence, a respect, for the source material helming Lucasfilm, they would have been. Look what Filoni has done with The Clone Wars and Rebels. Look what Favreau is doing with Mando. This might be a little glib but, considering Disney is bringing him in for a Star Wars trilogy on their own, look what Feige has done with the MCU? Hell, all things Marvel at this point. When you focus on dope stories and compelling characters, the narrative takes care of itself. When you focus on agenda and pushing divisive material, you can’t help but destroy what you hope to build. Kennedy is letting her ego cut her off at the knees when, if she just reined that sh*t in a bit, she could have been standing tall and walking into the future with her OCs intact. Instead, she has people in her own organization apologizing for her f*ck ups as the value of the legacy property you were gifted, tanks at a hilariously exponential rate. So how do we fix Rey and, effectively fix this entire trilogy?

First off, she needs to be a Skywalker. That is an absolute necessity. I would make her Luke’s kid. That would explain away her proficiency with the Force, the fact she pilots like a champ, and has that hole Force Dyad bullsh*t with Ren, like her dad and aunt kind of have. Rey would be an organic growth of the Skywalker legacy while simultaneously bringing a refreshing conclusion to it with Episode IX. I would build the familial relationship between Kylo and Rey, one representing either side of the Force, both fighting to discover something about themselves within, over the course of this trilogy. I would have made Rey Luke’s kid; A proper Skywalker. I would have made her mother Mara Jade, opening up a whole situation that could have been embellished into at least two spin-off tales with a ton of ramifications going forward. I mean, imagine a story where Luke had to fight off the Knights of Ren AND his nephew before Ben donned the mask, as his pregnant wife ran off into space to avoid the overall destruction of the New Jedi Order. That sh*t writes itself.

You get a side story of Mara Jade and a young Rey on the run, being chased by the Knights over the years, until she leaves Rey on Jakku, ultimately meeting her fate in a last stand battle, like her nephew, at the hands of several Knights on some nameless planet. Or Tatooine, i dunno. That’s an entire film. That’s a brand new, female lead you can explore. It’s organic. It homages the lore. It’s respectful of the overall mythos. It’s literally better than anything Disney has done with the mainline titles so far. Hell, you can even explore how Luke met Mara. Maybe she was one of the reformed Knights. Maybe she was one of the surviving Force Sensitives after Order 66. Maybe she used to be an Inquisitor but turned on Paps once Vader saw the light. Personally, i would skew more toward her being a former Inquisitor, seeking out Luke for revenge but, upon finding him, falls in love after several clashes. That gives Mara depth and allows for her to grow over a novel or two. Maybe a stand alone film. Luke would self-exile after losing to Ren but not because of the L, more because he thinks his wife and unborn kid are long dead. He’s heartbroken and knows he isn’t strong enough to fell his own nephew so Luke runs away. He goes into exile, like Yoda and Obi Wan before him, all the way to Ahch-to, searching for some killer app to finish Snoke before he can really get started. Imagine how much emotional resonance the ending of Episode VII could of held, going this route. Luke staring at Rey with such apprehension and regret. He immediately knows this is his daughter. That she's live. That she's here to ask him to do what he can't.

You'd spend the a good chunk of Episode VIII building that relationship. Showing Luke being cold and stand-offish because he knows Rey is his kid and he regrets his choice to run. He knows that Mara survived for years without him, probably dogged by First Order assassins. That the woman he loved, died alone after abandoning her child to strangers on a backwater planet somewhere in the galaxy. He knows this adult woman standing before him, is his and Mara’s living legacy and he doesn’t want her anywhere near the conflict to come. She’s demanding to be trained. He’s dismissive and curt, until the Dyad with Ren kicks in. Just being on the Force rich planet of Ahch-to increases Rey’s sensitivity, allowing Snoke to tether her to her cousin. When she goes straight to the dark, that’s Ren’s influence. When she cracks the rock and wigs Luke out, that’s Ren’s influence. In order to combat that growing corruption, Luke decides to train Rey to combat the dark. We actually show look acting like a master, teaching Rey sh*t instead of just, you know, “go cut that rock”. We show her learning from Luke, growing in confidence with her abilities. This entire sequence can take the place of literally all of the Canto Bight nonsense. No one liked any of that and it kills the momentum of the entire narrative going forward. Replace it with Rey actually being trained and you not only give her an opportunity for much needed character development, but you give Luke so much more of an arc and a means to have him bow out with substantial grace. If you decide to go the “Luke Dies at the end” route. Personally, i would have nixed Leia in VIII considering things and moved forward with Luke as the survivor but that's another story. I'd have to rework all of VIII and I don't feel like doing that right now. Leia’s death would devastate Ren, flooding him with a boost in the Dark Side, enough to slay Snoke and raise him to Supreme Leader without the need of Rey’s help. This would lead into a version of Colin Trevorrow’s version of Episode IX, which i think is a superior narrative overall but we’ll get there when we get there. Maybe.

The climax of the Last Jedi could be exactly the same but now it has so much more depth. It has so much more resonance for the trilogy going forward. Luke’s sacrifice would mean something  as we watched him slowly come to terms with his daughter being the hope going forward, effectively replacing him in the narrative. Most fans would be okay with this as, even though he never tells Rey he’s her father outright, the audience kind of knows. It’s hinted at. The reveal can come in IX somehow or in his last regards to Leia. He apologizes for Kylo but reassures her that, even if he passes, her niece will carry on the fight. Luke tells Leia of Rey's parontagem she says “I know” like her husband, and promises to continue Rey's training to best of her abilities. Kylo gets his shadows chase. Luke’s last words have so much more impact. We have an emotional investment in Rey because the torch had been properly passed. I, personally, would rework the majority of the plot while i’m at it. I’d fix Poe, continue exploring Finn and his connection to the force, and find a way to make Rose Tico relevant without being trite. I mean, you can have the Canto Bight stuff but draw it back considerably. It doesn’t need to be an entire third of the whole f*cking movie.

I like the character of Amilyn Holdo, too, but her arc was stifled by nonsense politics and shallow development. All of that mediocrity kind of made her an easy target to hate, a lot like Rose. In my story, she’d still take the helm from Leia in Last Jedi but would have had an appearance in Force Awakens. She didn’t need to have a ton of facetime, maybe a shout out at the round table toward the end of VII or getting off the ship at Mas’ bar with Leia. Hell, a f*cking holo transmission would be enough of a mention, Holdo just needed a presence in that movie to be legitimized for the next. Rose was fine as is, she just needs more agency and not that bullsh*t, half-assed, love triangle that was literally dropped like a hot track on Soundcloud in the middle of a chase movie. That sh*t was stupid and it doomed Rose before she had a chance to even get started.

Episode IX would start like Rise, Kylo slaughtering his way toward the wayfinder, but revealing that planet was Mustafar instead of whatever planet he was on originally. Ren has been planetside for weeks, searching for the wayfinder dealy and the planets dark side alignment is taking it's toll on him.  The mcguffin is deep in the wreckage of Vader's demolished castle, the deep subdivision and what not. Kylo makes his way to it, fighting dark side shades of his grandfather in Anakin form, goading him about his weakness, feeding into Ren's inadequacies about being weaker than his pap-pap. Kylo finds the mcguffin and takes off toward the Outer reaches in an effort to unlock more power. After the climax to VIII, Rey returns to Ahck-to to find Luke gone and the growing pull to the dark within her as the Dyad is wide open and Ren's spiral is pulling Rey along toward the drain, too. She feels him getting closer to full Sith, all of that pain and rage, multiplied considerably by his anger toward his grandfather's shades. Kylo basically flies to the outer reaches to find a Lost sage of the Darkside. It's not a Jedi or a Sith, but a being that thrives in the Dark, like whatever Maul is, but gigantic and monstrous. He learns from that creature, all the while leaving Hux to command the Last Order in his stead, second by General Pryde. The two of these cats have a battle for power, Pryde suspecting Hux of being a traitor, Hux trying to stave of attempts for his seat at the head, all the while pounding the Rebels as they continue to fight. The Knights of Ren are off, clashing with Finn, Poe, Chewie, and Rose as they search for another means to find a way to Rey, as she has the map and R2 with her on Ahck-to where she is training for the final battle. The majority of the film continues to follow the basic plot of IX, mcguffin chasing and what not, with Finn, finally adept enough in the force, to adequately take Rey’s place in those narrative spots.

We have the whole montage of training on both worlds; Force ghost Luke showing Rey more advanced techniques and Ren taking on a full-on, Vader shade, like Luke, in the Outer Regions or whatever. Eventually, the remaining main characters decide to split up as the pressure of the Last Order continues to deplete their resources. Finn fixes Anakin’s lightsaber and begins to train with it under the tutelage of Mas, who is all in with the Rebels now, as they go after the other mcgiffin on Endor. He still meets the other former stormtroopers or whatever and they still help in the final battle but, instead of Rey and Kylo, it Finn and a few Knights of Ren. Maybe two, I dunno. Anyway, he beats them with Anakin's saber, gets the mcgissin and returns to the Rebel base, stormtrooper backup in hand. Poe and Lando try to drum up support for a final strike on the Last Order’s base and you get that whole shtick with Keri Russell's character. I'd take her helmet off, too. Why the f*ck  would you hide Keri's face? Shes adorable! Finn and Lando try their best, but it seems like a no-go so Lando stays to work his magic as he and Chewie return to the Rebel planet. Rose can return to the Rebel planet and take charge of strategy or whatever as Leia secludes herself within the base. I dunno. Rose is kind of hard to place because she has no discernible talents but I imagine anything is better than what they did to her originally. Anyway, Rey is able to develop enough self-control to force the Dyad closed, cutting Ren's influence off from her but, at the same time, her influence off from Ren, completely. That's gonna have big ramifications later.

Around the end of the second act, Ren sees a force projection from his mother pleading with him to turn back to the light but he waves her off. Like her brother, Leia uses the last of her strength in this effort and she dies, pushing Ren over the edge, forcing him into full Sith. Since Rey closed the Dyad, Ren has no semblance of Light to keep the Dark at bay and he just absorbs SO much of it. It multiplies his strength in the Force and Ren is able to slay the Dark Sage, take it's power, and return to his fleet. Sh*t, the sage might be an actual Sith, Like, the people Sith and Ren kills him, effectively exterminated the race. Yeah, I like that. I like that a lot. Anyway, Ren arrives to find Hux is the traitor so he allows Pryde to kill him. Pryde takes command and they raise their newly constructed, massive, fleet along with a brand new flag ship. Mobile, lightspeed ready, and far more deadly than any planet cannon, Ren is ready to begin his march of devastation. Our heroes arrive on the First Order hideaway and the battle ensues. Finn boards the flagship, clashing with the remaining Knights of Ren, his hit squad of former Stormtroopers at his side, as Rose uses her tech skills to drop the shields or whatever they were doing with horses on that spaceship at he end of IX. Rey arrives on the planet, Ren sensing her returns to the surface, to face off with each other. Ren is brimming with the dark, Rey knows he;s too far gone to save and she resolved to do what is necessary to end his tyranny. She ignites Lukes green lightsber, which upsets Ren and then Leia's  yellow saber, which sends Ren into a legit rage. Yeah, Rey dual-wields now because it's cool. Poe does his whole lone ranger whatever as he's the last of the vanguard and sh*t. All is lost.

The reinforcements show up in the nick of time and sh*t happens. Big ass sky battle with spaceships and explosions and sh*t, while Finn, Rose, and that black chick accomplish their task on the flagship. Shields dow, sh*t stats blowing up, fun times. Rey gets wrecked by Kylo, who is all the way Dark, no redemption, yellow rage eyes and everything. She’s getting dumped on until she forces the dyad open, allowing Ren to see the Force ghosts of Jedi Masters of old, as they all appear behind Rey, including Leia, Luke, and Mara Jade. They speak that bullsh*t, lay hands on Rei's lightsabers giving her a jump in power, and Rey defeats Ren in a harrowing duel. It has to end in a lightsaber clash. How can it not? Finn wrecks the remaining Knights and the flagship falls as the Rebel fleet overcomes the last of the Last Order. Ren is defeated, dying slowly, lamenting his choices. In his last moments, as the Force ghosts fade, the last few left are his mother, uncle, and grandpa. The last thing Ben sees as he dies is the face of the man he’s chased for so long. Poetic. Tragic. Requisite celebration on a jungle planet ensues while Rey is off, giving Ben a proper Jedi bonfire. Finn approaches, objecting to the respect shown, but she tells him that, in the end, Ren was still a Skywalker. If Vader can be forgiven, so could Ben. The two watch as the flames rise into the night sky. We get a scene of a shadow tracing the insides of Uncle Owen’s joint on Tatooine, generators firing on, mechanics coming to life. Rey is seen, all by her lonesome, igniting her new, personal, lightsabers; Gold, I guess? Is that what color they were supposed to be? A young kid arrives, inquiring about why the old Lars place is lit up for the first time in decades. He asks her name. She hesitates, looking over her shoulder to see the force ghosts of Anakin, Leia, Luke, Mara, and Ben; Her entire family. She gives a knowing smile and answers, “Rey. Rey Skywalker.”

This is just a rough outline of how i would have written this trilogy. I might embellish a little bit, maybe write it up as a proper fan fiction, but i don’t know. There’s a lot to unpack and i don’t really want to spend the time actually fleshing out this narrative but, i believe this is far superior to anything Disney has done. It fixes Rey, sets up Ren as a actual antagonistic force, kills anything resembling a Reylo romance, returns agency to Finn and Poe, fixes Rose, makes Mas a factor, and wraps everything up nicely. You get answers to the questions from before, the Knights of Ren have a presence throughout the entirety of the trilogy, and even divisive characters like Holdo get a shot at relevance outside of agenda. More than anything Rey being a Skywalker feels earned. It feels organic. It feels right. This is the bookend the Skywalker story deserved, not the rushed, politic laden, ego trip we got.

[nerdygaymormon]

Maybe you've answered this before, but why don't you just leave your church? Doesn't it bother you being part of something that rejects you? Don't you want love? I don't understand why gay people ever stay in that church.

I get these questions from time to time. Never sure what to make of them. I get that it’s unusual for a gay guy my age to still be part of church. I hope part of this is they like me and want me to be happier. But it also feels like they are looking down on me, idk.

I don’t have a short, simple answer, so strap in, it’s going to be a long ride.

1)   I was a teenager in the 1980’s. It is hard to be gay now, but it was so bad back then. Being gay was shameful. The 80′s was the AIDS crisis, so mostly what I heard about being gay was death. There were no legal protections, society was against us. Actively hostile, bigoted statements were common. My own dad told homophobic jokes to big laughs. Coming out looked like I’d be condemning myself to a terrible life and strip all the good things from me.

Also, with no role models, I was having to work through what it means to be gay. I also did manage to get ahold of a gay porn magazine (this is long before internet was a thing). I was crazy to think I could hide it. I shared a room with three brothers so no privacy. Despite my denials, my parents knew this was mine and they were so upset. My dad now tells me he wishes he sent me to conversion therapy once he learned I had this magazine. Can you imagine?

2)   I grew up believing in this church, which included the terrible things taught about me as a gay person. At age 19 when my bishop challenged me to pray about going on a mission, I instead prayed to know if God could possibly love me (which is really sad that a kid could grow up in church and not know that). I felt love radiate across my body as a voice in my ear said “You are not broken.” That experience sustained me for a long time

3)   I went on a mission in the 1990’s. If you haven’t been on a mission, it’s probably a surprise that it can be a relief. There’s no pressure to date. I could form close bonds with other men, and even though these are non-romantic relationships, they are intensely close.

4)   I was still in the closet when I went to the church schools in Rexburg & Provo. At the end of my first semester, my roommate came on to me and let me feel him up and stuff. I went to sleep thinking maybe the two of us could leave the church, transfer to a different school, say goodbye to my family and we could have a life together. It would be a huge sacrifice for both of us and I thought he felt the same, but the next morning he turned me in to our bishop. I thought I was going to get kicked out of school, be sent home in disgrace, maybe disciplined out of the church, but instead I was put on probation and had to stay the summer in Rexburg. I was heartbroken and swore off love and focused on school. At the end of the summer, to my surprise the bishop made me the elders quorum president.  

That first roommate, we were best friends. He is Bi and decided a life with a woman would be easier, and considering it was the 1990′s, he was correct. He left school a few days later, met a woman and got married. I hate how he ended things, but I don’t blame him for the future he chose for his life.

5)   BYU in Provo was my backup school, and reluctantly it’s where I transferred to. It turned out that I genuinely liked BYU with 2 exceptions, the severe restrictions the Honor Code placed on LGBT students (which was the same as at the Rexburg campus), and the fierceness with which the Honor Code Office sought to enforce those restrictions. Occasionally I’d hear rumors of sting operations they had done to catch gay students. There was this low-level fear always of getting caught whilst a student in Provo. My roommates also expressed their dislike of anything remotely gay. Even though I kept the rules, I didn’t dare tell anyone that I’m gay because the potential cost was high.

While at BYU I had a major faith crisis. I no longer believed a lot of the truth claims of the church, but I wasn’t about to lose all that tuition money. I stuck it out. So not only was I pretending to be straight, I also had to act as though nothing about church bothered me.

6)   The same voice that told me I am not broken would occasionally tell me that it’s okay to pursue relationships. It gave me great hope. I still get that message. Being a good Mormon, I thought this meant that somehow God was going to change the church. In the temple I’d hear that it’s not good for man to be alone and the law of chastity was presented in a way that could include me if I was married to a husband (the temple says no sex except “with your husband or wife to whom you’re legally and lawfully wedded”).

7)   After BYU, I should have come out and gotten on with life, but I didn’t. My first job was working for a Mormon boss. A landlord who is LDS gave me a deal on rent. Coming out seemed like it would disrupt my life in really negative ways. Plus YSA Wards were a source of friends and support network.

8)   In my 30’s I was no longer in YSA wards, and the world was getting better for gay people. The fight for gay marriage was in full swing, and so many of the people in my life were very opposed to it. It bothered me that the church was so opposed and fought gay marriage because in my head, it was a way for me to follow God’s promptings and pursue a relationship.

Being a Mormon is very much an identity. It’s hard to peel off. It’s my social network, it’s what much of family life revolves around, It’s a belief system and way of viewing the world. it’s a map of what one’s goals in life should be, and so on. Staying in the closet kept the rest of my world intact.

I know you’re thinking wtf, you’re a grown man, own your life!!! I grew up in an unstable family situation (we had many financial troubles and moved frequently), so I crave stability. Remaining in the closet and in the church were keys to maintaining that stability.

9)   Squashing all my romantic and sexual feelings also shuts down most other feelings. I spent most of my 20’s & 30’s feeling numb, like I was watching life but not a part of it. I spent those years wishing I was dead, that a bus would hit me or a major disease would strike. Those kinds of deaths would end my misery and also be okay for my family because they wouldn’t have to know I’m gay. I recognize now how messed up that is.

10)   The great source of happiness in those years was being an uncle. I’m the oldest of 7 children, my siblings had lots of babies born in those years. The joys of being an uncle only increased the pressure to stay in the closet and in the church because if I didn’t, my only source of happiness might be taken away.

11)   I finally reached the point where I was tired of going through the motions of having a life. I was ready to come out. Rather than make some grand announcement, I decided to be honest with anyone who asked about my life. When someone tried to set me up with their friend, I would ask if she had a brother. As these sorts of situations came up, I was coming out to people one by one.

I didn’t exactly “come out” to my family. I figured since my parents had found the gay porn mag when I was a teen, and then gay porn malware on the computer when I was college student, they probably already knew (and they did, but were in denial). Also, I thought coming out would be saying I’m not trustworthy and an awful person for having pretended to be something I wasn’t for so long (not true, but that’s how I thought of it).

12)   I’m such a late bloomer that I sometimes am embarrassed about it, especially now that so many people come out in their 20′s and even as teenagers. At the first Pride parade I attended, someone told me that we all come out when it’s right for us, and this was my time. I think that’s true.

13)   Most of my adult life in church was being pianist in Primary. Shortly after I started telling people I’m gay is when I was called to be in the stake young men presidency. My stake president says he looked over at me playing piano one day and thought, “that man has much more to offer.” I wonder if it’s because I was more confident, my identities were less in conflict than they’d been in the past, I wasn’t afraid and hiding.

As stake young men president, I made sure I knew by name and something about every youth in the stake. I wanted them to know they were seen, they were heard, they were loved. Teens go through such hard things and I wanted to be a kind, supportive person in their life. Most youth don’t know who the stake youth leaders are, but they all knew me. Several told me about hard things in their life and some even came out to me. Parents of gay teens would come speak to me and I’d let them know life in church is hard and unfair, ways they could help support their teen, and prepared them that their child’s likely path would be out of the church. I felt like I bloomed in this calling and made a difference.

14)   In 2015 marriage became legal for same-sex couples across the USA due to a Supreme Court ruling. I thought that finally the church would have to come to terms with it and accept it. But then came the November policy banning the children of gay couples from being members. It felt like a punch in the gut and I nearly walked away. I was still stake young men president and weighed whether the difference I made in this calling was worth putting up with how church clearly didn’t want me. 

15)   To help my parents buy a house, I had a bunch of their debt put into my name and I lived in the house with them. At the time it seemed a good way to avoid the loneliness of being on my own. But living with them also made walking away from the church tricky.

16)   A month later I hit the 3-year mark of serving in the stake young men’s program, I was released from that and called to be stake executive secretary. My stake president told me that anyone can make appointments, but he wanted my unique viewpoint in all the highest councils of the stake. In this calling I occasionally meet general authorities and I speak with them about being gay in the church. My stake President recently joked that he has twice been a counselor in a stake presidency and now is a stake president, and in those years he’s met many general authorities, yet I have way more impact on them than he ever has.

17)   Shortly after getting this new calling, in 2016 I started my tumblr blog. Eventually I used the blog as a way to examine, explore and record what it’s like to be gay in the LDS church. In some ways this blog is one giant pep talk to myself.

18)   In 2017 my blog exploded, one of my posts went viral. It’s almost like God got tired of waiting on me, now I was out to everyone who knows me, and many more.

All of a sudden I had so many hurting Mormon LGBT people contacting me, most were teens and twenty-something’s. I’ve tried to help them, to affirm them. In many ways it feels like the years as stake young men president working with teens, the years I spent developing a spiritual independence, the studying & thinking about how being gay can work with the gospel, the fears & worries that are part of being in the closet, all of that prepared me for this.

19)   Later in 2017 my mental health dived. I became suicidal. I started therapy. I finally had to face how harmed I’ve been by my time in church. I also had to admit I will never be enough in this church, I can never reach the goals & purpose of life as laid out by the church,. My therapist helped me see that I need another framework for what a successful life looks like and what would make for a joyful life.

In 2018 I was still in therapy and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, which partly explains why coming out and leaving the church were so difficult. The major driving motivation of this disorder is wanting to not disappoint people.

20)   My therapist says I feel things more deeply than most people, but because I’d pushed down my feelings so long, it’s actually a bit scary to feel so much. I also started dating and trying to get gay friends. These sorts of big changes were hard for me. The psychologist said, in an amused tone, that I fully examine a path before I’m willing to take a step down it, meaning I’m cautious and slow to get going, but am certain when I begin of where I’m going.

21)   Some of my family openly embraces me as gay and loves me no matter what. Some make their love and access to their children conditional on my being in church.

22)   I thought 2018 would be the year I leave the church. There’s a personal reason I haven’t; I feel there’s one more thing to do, a friend whom I can help. That I came ahead to pave the way for this friend.

I know this all sounds crazy, talking about a voice telling me it’s okay to have gay relationships or that I have some missions in life to accomplish. That’s part of faith, I guess.

23)   It’s unfair to say I’m still attending church for my friend. First, I don’t want him to feel any pressure. Second, it’s my decision, not his. I also am working on paying off debt so I can more easily live on my own, I’ve joined Affirmation and met a lot of LGBT Mormons/post-Mormons and feel like there’s something of a potential support group/friendships there. I’m thinking of changing jobs, even moving to a different university. In other words, I’m laying the groundwork to make any shift more smooth. Whether I take a breather from church or not, these are good things to do.

24)   I’m in my 40′s and can see that in some important ways I’ve lived a stunted life. But I’m also able to use my voice to speak up for LGBT individuals inside the church, to try to make this little corner of church kinder and more receptive.

25)   I can’t even imagine what you’re thinking of me. A hypocrite, someone who stays with an organization that contributed to my own mental health crisis. Someone too afraid to live. I can’t undo my past and all that lost time. I’ve made a lot of progress and am moving forward. I also believe and hope that things I share on this blog and things I say in my local church help LGBT members.

Maybe you can understand, maybe you can’t, why my life went so differently from yours. I’m certain you won’t agree with a number of decisions I made, but they were mine to make and they explain where I’m at now.

[smokeybrand]

The Tragedy of Rey Palpatine

I really, really, like Rey Skywalker, in concept. I think she could have been an amazing character and the perfect torch-bearer for the mythos going forward. After The Force Awakens, i was all in with this new trio of characters. Say what you will about Abrams, dude knows how to build a character. He knows how to write a story and Rey’s began wonderfully. She had all of the potential to be held in the same esteem as Mara Jade, Leia Organa, and Ahsoka Tano. Hell, Disney even introduced Chelli Aphra in the Vader comics, another brilliant, female character of Asian descent. Each of these characters were fleshed out, nuanced, and felt real. There is a humanity to them and, i imagine that’s where Abrams wanted to take Rey. Then The Last Jedi happened and ruined almost everything. I think it did a great service for Kylo Ren, overall, but everything else got a big fat Rian Johnson/Kathleen Kennedy sh*t all over it.

Abrams set up a ton of intriguing plots to explore going forward. The hints that Finn may be Force sensitive, the mystery of how Mas got a hold of Anakin’s lightsaber after Vader cut Luke’s hand off in Empire, who the f*ck was Snoke; All threads that could have been elaborated upon to embellish the new characters and give an opportunity to pass the torch on with the new characters. More than anything, the enigma of Rey Skywalker could have driven this trilogy of films in a direction for the ages. The seeds were there for greatness. Why did she hear Obi Wan in that flashback? Why was she spared by the Knights of Ren? Why did Ren know exactly what girl that trooper reported about? The only answer we got was that Rey was the spawn of a Palpatine clone and it was stupid.That reveal was the dumbest sh*t in Rise of Skywalker and there was a lot of dumb sh*t in that movie. Rise spent way too much time apologizing for what Last Jedi did to the mythos and had literally no time to fix the characters going forward. That’s how bad Kathleen Kennedy let Rian Johnson f*ck up.

I like the Last Jedi as a space opera. Hell, i even like it as a Star Wars side story in the vein of Solo or Rogue One. If those events happened in between VII and VIII, cool. But to be a mainline entry? Are you kidding? It just gets so much wrong about the overall lore while simultaneously sabotaging all of the character development and good will fostered by it’s predecessor. The level of f*ckery in The Last Jedi is ind of amazing. At it’s core, The Last Jedi s a fanfic, filled with OC characters, trying to “subvert” expectation to be more than it can or has any right to be. Rian Johnson wanted to make his movie, mythos be damned. Trilogy be damned. Kathleen Kennedy was okay with all of that as long as Johnson pushed her agenda and virtue signaled for all the “Girl Bosses” out there, which he did. The end result was a usual cool, collected, Resistance Ace, Poe Dameron, literally committing treason. We got a regression in the character of Finn, a former Stormtrooper turned rebel scum, a traitor to the First Order who literally got into a lightsaber duel with Vader’s grandson to protect his maybe-love interest, try to runaway like a f*cking coward, only to be tasered into a drooling mess by Rian Johnson’s Jar Jar binx. And the sh*t they did to Luke? That mess is criminal and an entire essay for another time. The Last Jedi f*cked everything up, forcing Abrams to course correct for two and half hours. This sh*t killed any momentum the Disney films had, it killed any semblance of a cohesive narrative going forward, and, worst of all, it murdered any semblance of Rey being more than a poorly written Mary-sue.

These new trilogies had every opportunity to be great. If they had someone with a reverence, a respect, for the source material helming Lucasfilm, they would have been. Look what Filoni has done with The Clone Wars and Rebels. Look what Favreau is doing with Mando. This might be a little glib but, considering Disney is bringing him in for a Star Wars trilogy on their own, look what Feige has done with the MCU? Hell, all things Marvel at this point. When you focus on dope stories and compelling characters, the narrative takes care of itself. When you focus on agenda and pushing divisive material, you can’t help but destroy what you hope to build. Kennedy is letting her ego cut her off at the knees when, if she just reined that sh*t in a bit, she could have been standing tall and walking into the future with her OCs intact. Instead, she has people in her own organization apologizing for her f*ck ups as the value of the legacy property you were gifted, tanks at a hilariously exponential rate. So how do we fix Rey and, effectively fix this entire trilogy?

First off, she needs to be a Skywalker. That is an absolute necessity. I would make her Luke’s kid. That would explain away her proficiency with the Force, the fact she pilots like a champ, and has that hole Force Dyad bullsh*t with Ren, like her dad and aunt kind of have. Rey would be an organic growth of the Skywalker legacy while simultaneously bringing a refreshing conclusion to it with Episode IX. I would build the familial relationship between Kylo and Rey, one representing either side of the Force, both fighting to discover something about themselves within, over the course of this trilogy. I would have made Rey Luke’s kid; A proper Skywalker. I would have made her mother Mara Jade, opening up a whole situation that could have been embellished into at least two spin-off tales with a ton of ramifications going forward. I mean, imagine a story where Luke had to fight off the Knights of Ren AND his nephew before Ben donned the mask, as his pregnant wife ran off into space to avoid the overall destruction of the New Jedi Order. That sh*t writes itself.

You get a side story of Mara Jade and a young Rey on the run, being chased by the Knights over the years, until she leaves Rey on Jakku, ultimately meeting her fate in a last stand battle, like her nephew, at the hands of several Knights on some nameless planet. Or Tatooine, i dunno. That’s an entire film. That’s a brand new, female lead you can explore. It’s organic. It homages the lore. It’s respectful of the overall mythos. It’s literally better than anything Disney has done with the mainline titles so far. Hell, you can even explore how Luke met Mara. Maybe she was one of the reformed Knights. Maybe she was one of the surviving Force Sensitives after Order 66. Maybe she used to be an Inquisitor but turned on Paps once Vader saw the light. Personally, i would skew more toward her being a former Inquisitor, seeking out Luke for revenge but, upon finding him, falls in love after several clashes. That gives Mara depth and allows for her to grow over a novel or two. Maybe a stand alone film. Luke would self-exile after losing to Ren but not because of the L, more because he thinks his wife and unborn kid are long dead. He’s heartbroken and knows he isn’t strong enough to fell his own nephew so Luke runs away. He goes into exile, like Yoda and Obi Wan before him, all the way to Ahch-to, searching for some killer app to finish Snoke before he can really get started. Imagine how much emotional resonance the ending of Episode VII could of held, going this route. Luke staring at Rey with such apprehension and regret. He immediately knows this is his daughter. That she's live. That she's here to ask him to do what he can't.

You'd spend the a good chunk of Episode VIII building that relationship. Showing Luke being cold and stand-offish because he knows Rey is his kid and he regrets his choice to run. He knows that Mara survived for years without him, probably dogged by First Order assassins. That the woman he loved, died alone after abandoning her child to strangers on a backwater planet somewhere in the galaxy. He knows this adult woman standing before him, is his and Mara’s living legacy and he doesn’t want her anywhere near the conflict to come. She’s demanding to be trained. He’s dismissive and curt, until the Dyad with Ren kicks in. Just being on the Force rich planet of Ahch-to increases Rey’s sensitivity, allowing Snoke to tether her to her cousin. When she goes straight to the dark, that’s Ren’s influence. When she cracks the rock and wigs Luke out, that’s Ren’s influence. In order to combat that growing corruption, Luke decides to train Rey to combat the dark. We actually show look acting like a master, teaching Rey sh*t instead of just, you know, “go cut that rock”. We show her learning from Luke, growing in confidence with her abilities. This entire sequence can take the place of literally all of the Canto Bight nonsense. No one liked any of that and it kills the momentum of the entire narrative going forward. Replace it with Rey actually being trained and you not only give her an opportunity for much needed character development, but you give Luke so much more of an arc and a means to have him bow out with substantial grace. If you decide to go the “Luke Dies at the end” route. Personally, i would have nixed Leia in VIII considering things and moved forward with Luke as the survivor but that's another story. I'd have to rework all of VIII and I don't feel like doing that right now. Leia’s death would devastate Ren, flooding him with a boost in the Dark Side, enough to slay Snoke and raise him to Supreme Leader without the need of Rey’s help. This would lead into a version of Colin Trevorrow’s version of Episode IX, which i think is a superior narrative overall but we’ll get there when we get there. Maybe.

The climax of the Last Jedi could be exactly the same but now it has so much more depth. It has so much more resonance for the trilogy going forward. Luke’s sacrifice would mean something  as we watched him slowly come to terms with his daughter being the hope going forward, effectively replacing him in the narrative. Most fans would be okay with this as, even though he never tells Rey he’s her father outright, the audience kind of knows. It’s hinted at. The reveal can come in IX somehow or in his last regards to Leia. He apologizes for Kylo but reassures her that, even if he passes, her niece will carry on the fight. Luke tells Leia of Rey's parontagem she says “I know” like her husband, and promises to continue Rey's training to best of her abilities. Kylo gets his shadows chase. Luke’s last words have so much more impact. We have an emotional investment in Rey because the torch had been properly passed. I, personally, would rework the majority of the plot while i’m at it. I’d fix Poe, continue exploring Finn and his connection to the force, and find a way to make Rose Tico relevant without being trite. I mean, you can have the Canto Bight stuff but draw it back considerably. It doesn’t need to be an entire third of the whole f*cking movie.

I like the character of Amilyn Holdo, too, but her arc was stifled by nonsense politics and shallow development. All of that mediocrity kind of made her an easy target to hate, a lot like Rose. In my story, she’d still take the helm from Leia in Last Jedi but would have had an appearance in Force Awakens. She didn’t need to have a ton of facetime, maybe a shout out at the round table toward the end of VII or getting off the ship at Mas’ bar with Leia. Hell, a f*cking holo transmission would be enough of a mention, Holdo just needed a presence in that movie to be legitimized for the next. Rose was fine as is, she just needs more agency and not that bullsh*t, half-assed, love triangle that was literally dropped like a hot track on Soundcloud in the middle of a chase movie. That sh*t was stupid and it doomed Rose before she had a chance to even get started.

Episode IX would start like Rise, Kylo slaughtering his way toward the wayfinder, but revealing that planet was Mustafar instead of whatever planet he was on originally. Ren has been planetside for weeks, searching for the wayfinder dealy and the planets dark side alignment is taking it's toll on him.  The mcguffin is deep in the wreckage of Vader's demolished castle, the deep subdivision and what not. Kylo makes his way to it, fighting dark side shades of his grandfather in Anakin form, goading him about his weakness, feeding into Ren's inadequacies about being weaker than his pap-pap. Kylo finds the mcguffin and takes off toward the Outer reaches in an effort to unlock more power. After the climax to VIII, Rey returns to Ahck-to to find Luke gone and the growing pull to the dark within her as the Dyad is wide open and Ren's spiral is pulling Rey along toward the drain, too. She feels him getting closer to full Sith, all of that pain and rage, multiplied considerably by his anger toward his grandfather's shades. Kylo basically flies to the outer reaches to find a Lost sage of the Darkside. It's not a Jedi or a Sith, but a being that thrives in the Dark, like whatever Maul is, but gigantic and monstrous. He learns from that creature, all the while leaving Hux to command the Last Order in his stead, second by General Pryde. The two of these cats have a battle for power, Pryde suspecting Hux of being a traitor, Hux trying to stave of attempts for his seat at the head, all the while pounding the Rebels as they continue to fight. The Knights of Ren are off, clashing with Finn, Poe, Chewie, and Rose as they search for another means to find a way to Rey, as she has the map and R2 with her on Ahck-to where she is training for the final battle. The majority of the film continues to follow the basic plot of IX, mcguffin chasing and what not, with Finn, finally adept enough in the force, to adequately take Rey’s place in those narrative spots.

We have the whole montage of training on both worlds; Force ghost Luke showing Rey more advanced techniques and Ren taking on a full-on, Vader shade, like Luke, in the Outer Regions or whatever. Eventually, the remaining main characters decide to split up as the pressure of the Last Order continues to deplete their resources. Finn fixes Anakin’s lightsaber and begins to train with it under the tutelage of Mas, who is all in with the Rebels now, as they go after the other mcgiffin on Endor. He still meets the other former stormtroopers or whatever and they still help in the final battle but, instead of Rey and Kylo, it Finn and a few Knights of Ren. Maybe two, I dunno. Anyway, he beats them with Anakin's saber, gets the mcgissin and returns to the Rebel base, stormtrooper backup in hand. Poe and Lando try to drum up support for a final strike on the Last Order’s base and you get that whole shtick with Keri Russell's character. I'd take her helmet off, too. Why the f*ck  would you hide Keri's face? Shes adorable! Finn and Lando try their best, but it seems like a no-go so Lando stays to work his magic as he and Chewie return to the Rebel planet. Rose can return to the Rebel planet and take charge of strategy or whatever as Leia secludes herself within the base. I dunno. Rose is kind of hard to place because she has no discernible talents but I imagine anything is better than what they did to her originally. Anyway, Rey is able to develop enough self-control to force the Dyad closed, cutting Ren's influence off from her but, at the same time, her influence off from Ren, completely. That's gonna have big ramifications later.

Around the end of the second act, Ren sees a force projection from his mother pleading with him to turn back to the light but he waves her off. Like her brother, Leia uses the last of her strength in this effort and she dies, pushing Ren over the edge, forcing him into full Sith. Since Rey closed the Dyad, Ren has no semblance of Light to keep the Dark at bay and he just absorbs SO much of it. It multiplies his strength in the Force and Ren is able to slay the Dark Sage, take it's power, and return to his fleet. Sh*t, the sage might be an actual Sith, Like, the people Sith and Ren kills him, effectively exterminated the race. Yeah, I like that. I like that a lot. Anyway, Ren arrives to find Hux is the traitor so he allows Pryde to kill him. Pryde takes command and they raise their newly constructed, massive, fleet along with a brand new flag ship. Mobile, lightspeed ready, and far more deadly than any planet cannon, Ren is ready to begin his march of devastation. Our heroes arrive on the First Order hideaway and the battle ensues. Finn boards the flagship, clashing with the remaining Knights of Ren, his hit squad of former Stormtroopers at his side, as Rose uses her tech skills to drop the shields or whatever they were doing with horses on that spaceship at he end of IX. Rey arrives on the planet, Ren sensing her returns to the surface, to face off with each other. Ren is brimming with the dark, Rey knows he;s too far gone to save and she resolved to do what is necessary to end his tyranny. She ignites Lukes green lightsber, which upsets Ren and then Leia's  yellow saber, which sends Ren into a legit rage. Yeah, Rey dual-wields now because it's cool. Poe does his whole lone ranger whatever as he's the last of the vanguard and sh*t. All is lost.

The reinforcements show up in the nick of time and sh*t happens. Big ass sky battle with spaceships and explosions and sh*t, while Finn, Rose, and that black chick accomplish their task on the flagship. Shields dow, sh*t stats blowing up, fun times. Rey gets wrecked by Kylo, who is all the way Dark, no redemption, yellow rage eyes and everything. She’s getting dumped on until she forces the dyad open, allowing Ren to see the Force ghosts of Jedi Masters of old, as they all appear behind Rey, including Leia, Luke, and Mara Jade. They speak that bullsh*t, lay hands on Rei's lightsabers giving her a jump in power, and Rey defeats Ren in a harrowing duel. It has to end in a lightsaber clash. How can it not? Finn wrecks the remaining Knights and the flagship falls as the Rebel fleet overcomes the last of the Last Order. Ren is defeated, dying slowly, lamenting his choices. In his last moments, as the Force ghosts fade, the last few left are his mother, uncle, and grandpa. The last thing Ben sees as he dies is the face of the man he’s chased for so long. Poetic. Tragic. Requisite celebration on a jungle planet ensues while Rey is off, giving Ben a proper Jedi bonfire. Finn approaches, objecting to the respect shown, but she tells him that, in the end, Ren was still a Skywalker. If Vader can be forgiven, so could Ben. The two watch as the flames rise into the night sky. We get a scene of a shadow tracing the insides of Uncle Owen’s joint on Tatooine, generators firing on, mechanics coming to life. Rey is seen, all by her lonesome, igniting her new, personal, lightsabers; Gold, I guess? Is that what color they were supposed to be? A young kid arrives, inquiring about why the old Lars place is lit up for the first time in decades. He asks her name. She hesitates, looking over her shoulder to see the force ghosts of Anakin, Leia, Luke, Mara, and Ben; Her entire family. She gives a knowing smile and answers, “Rey. Rey Skywalker.”

This is just a rough outline of how i would have written this trilogy. I might embellish a little bit, maybe write it up as a proper fan fiction, but i don’t know. There’s a lot to unpack and i don’t really want to spend the time actually fleshing out this narrative but, i believe this is far superior to anything Disney has done. It fixes Rey, sets up Ren as a actual antagonistic force, kills anything resembling a Reylo romance, returns agency to Finn and Poe, fixes Rose, makes Mas a factor, and wraps everything up nicely. You get answers to the questions from before, the Knights of Ren have a presence throughout the entirety of the trilogy, and even divisive characters like Holdo get a shot at relevance outside of agenda. More than anything Rey being a Skywalker feels earned. It feels organic. It feels right. This is the bookend the Skywalker story deserved, not the rushed, politic laden, ego trip we got.

[kidmachinate]

Not All Is As It Seems

**SPOILERS BELOW THE PICTURE**

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“Rey…Skywalker”

THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!!!

My literal reaction to the very end of the movie. Much like The Last Jedi, I don’t have an issue with this as much as the majority of the internet and think it was a fun watch…however…two things. As a Star Wars film, which is what it is, man did they mess things up. Also, whatever plot complaints people had about The Last Jedi? Rise of Skywalker basically says, hold my beer. Let’s get into this.

This was the most obvious thing from the beginning with the trailers but Emperor Palpatine? Why is he in this? Kylo just gets the shaft at the end of the day because he’s “Supreme Leader” until THE supreme leader comes in, which brings him back to the temper tantrum angry kid he is. Still taking orders from someone ultimately and can't rise to power. Poor Kylo. Guess we've gotta kill Palpatine. Everyone wants to anyway. I suppose this all needed to happen in order to set up “ReyLo” but the inclusion of Palpatine at all just seems like a huge copout. Should have just kept Snoke. Replacing Snoke with another main villain after he was killed off by Kylo makes that scene pointless in the previous movie. Palpatine for the Final Order apparently has a bunch of literal planet destroyer ships. Cool…so…pulling the strings all along over the last two movies is pointless. Just execute the final order and forget going through all the trouble? The final battle was cool upon first seeing it, but just doesn’t feel like a satisfactory payoff at the end. The more it dragged on it went between predictable and cringeworthy. Rey gets shown the space battle just like he did to Luke back in Return of the Jedi to try and make her lose hope and embrace her dark side because…you know…evidentially Rey is a Palpatine. Isn’t this Rise of SKYWALKER? Maybe we should look at it from Kylo Ren’s perspective instead and it makes more sense? All these force families are related in one way or another and cross over and such so I’ma give that a pass. The way the ships just fall from the sky when things are over just seems absurd. Lando Calrissian must be one hell of a charmer to have gotten the army he did to help out. There ARE things I like, I swear. Call this nitpicking but these were my thoughts through the movie. Take it or leave it. There’s more.

The ending overall was probably my least favorite part of the whole film. The awkward tension between the three main characters towards the beginning felt forced, and I think we could have done without as well. The force link of sorts between Rey and Kylo was kind of annoying and awkward as well in the previous movie, but I think was done much better in this one. The ways Kylo tries to manipulate Rey or extract info from her is front and center. Parts of the fanbase don’t like Rey. Well I do, so fuck them. Just kidding, we all have opinions. That said, for as much as I actually don’t like Kylo Ren, this trilogy might as well have been his journey. He is probably the only new character fleshed out to their full potential. He actually gets progression through the movies. Rey is basically the equivalent to Superman and just can’t be stopped. Struggling with the dark side and her humility keeps her “human” but her sheer power just makes things very predictable. She throws down against Kylo in The Force Awakens with NO FORCE TRAINING and wins. It is actually one of the reasons I thought he was kind of a joke. This is his trilogy…then he dies. But hey, awkward kiss from Rey before he dies. Guess there goes ReyLo. What they were building up to all these movies…fanfic achieved…short kiss…no more ReyLo. I’m almost done with the bad I swear…

Finn. What the hell were they thinking? What is his role in this film, really? In fact, what is his role truly since Force Awakens? He’s clearly force sensitive in some way and they really don’t get into what that could mean. Easy character development that just doesn’t really happen. He has heroic moments in The Last Jedi as well but in this movie…he’s just not interesting and mostly ends up just being worried about Rey but never able to do anything about it. He also “has something to tell her”. He never does. The topic even gets revisited between Poe and him. Still doesn’t say anything. Guess there’s no resolution there. Oops. Also, real quick, we knew Leia would fall just like Han and Luke. One per movie. But we don’t kill off Chewy although we tease it. I was happy about that. Droids are fine too. Humans gotta go though. Guess human don’t sell as well as toys. Alright, we’re done here. Onto the good stuff.

I just mentioned Chewbacca so his emotional reaction to Leia’s death was really well done. Leia was treated the best way she could have been with what they had to work with, in my opinion. The tiny gripe was referring to her as Princess instead of General but I guess we will give that a pass too. The force ghost scene with Luke and Rey was both great and nostalgic. That X-Wing was sitting there the pervious movie and to see him raise it for Rey to use was one of the grand moments of the film. This along with him catching the lightsaber as if to say, I was wrong and was scared when you first approached me about training. Or maybe this was to shut up angry fans about the fact that he threw the saber in the first place in The Last Jedi. I found that great personally. Fans need to get over themselves sometimes. The Han Solo retread with the famous “I know" line was another highlight. People will nitpick this and say Han never had force powers so shouldn’t show up in this way. Clearly it was just Ben recalling memories as if to be talking to himself, to his Dad, and being offered forgiveness. A highlight of the movie for me as well. This all brings things to where this post started. Just before that however, I want to recall thoughts from a previous post of liking what they tried to do in this sequel trilogy and prove that the force is more than what we saw it as and isn’t “just blood”. Even the dark side can be converted. Offered redemption. There are just several places where this all could have been done much better. They also could have put Mara Jade in the movie. Just saying, totally not salty, let’s wrap this up.

Rey’s revisit to Tatooine is a great way to end the film, the Skywalker saga. She buries the two sabers where Star Wars started in the first place and reveals the one she forged for herself. I love this. When she engages in conversation with the person who questions who she is, at the point of redeeming the ending, she mentions she is Rey Skywalker. You’re a fucking Palpatine, was confirmed, and I get that you got the nod from Leia and Luke’s force ghost, but that quite literally, is not how things work. You don’t just label yourself something and become that. Without her being a Palpatine, her struggle with the dark would make less sense. However, I do think there would have been more value in her actually being related somehow to a Skywalker that dabbled in the dark, meanwhile Kylo Ren started good and turned dark due to having too much “Vader” in him. Like two people trying to find their proper place in the world in their own struggles. Rey was always gonna be the one to live however. I personally think it would have been more respected that way. Maybe I’m dealing in absolutes here.

These are my thoughts on everything. Nothing is as it seems and Kylo and Rey both have their respective journeys realized for better or worse. Will Rey train a new generation of Jedi and tell them about the Skywalker linage while then lying to the kids about her being one as well? Since she is now a self-proclaimed Skywalker? Don’t lie to the kids. Don’t hide shit from them. You don’t want to end up with a classroom full of Kylo Rens.