#he's just a Concept i need Time to work and psychoanalyze him

[eric-the-bmo]

hm. Worry Time(tm)

[averysmolbear]

A Second Chance

CW: This is pretty self ship coded. It's vaguely fluffy so not really a need for a ton of tags, I'd think. It's a female reader fic. I'd say the reader and Pietro would be around in their twenties. It's definitely part of a possible series of one shots so it's the beginnings of a friends to lovers type situation. The only thing that could be maybe triggering is the kind of vague mentions of Pietro feeling "trapped" and the reader is there to kind of psychoanalyze him to a certain degree. I'm not sure how else to word that honestly.

Fandom: Marvel/MCU

Pairing: F!Reader x Pietro Maximoff

Word count: ~2.3k

Just a quick note that this would be well after Age of Ultron and I don't care if it's unrealistic, Pietro survived what happened in that movie because I said so (and yeah, that means this is the MCU version of Pietro, not the one in the X-Men movies) so prepare to suspend your disbelief or something. Or don't. I can't tell you what to do. This also means that the reader works for whatever entity really kind of popped up after AoU that the Avengers would sort of be working for before Captain America: Civil War.

Pietro Maximoff felt like an animal trapped in a cage. He didn’t know why they were keeping him locked away. He had healed and was ready to get back out into the world. He felt like they had to know this, especially with all of their incessant poking and prodding. Whenever he asked someone anything, his questions were brushed aside and they would reassure him that he would be out of there before long. And then the cycle would repeat and Pietro would be left alone in the sterile room that reminded him of his time with HYDRA more than he let on.

It wasn’t the fact that he was getting antsy that pushed Pietro to ask when they were going to let him out. His sister needed him, didn’t she? At this point he was starting to doubt that Wanda was aware he was alive, although maybe that was the reason they were keeping him inside. Maybe they weren’t sure how to break it to her that Pietro had survived. It didn’t matter what the reason was though because he knew that eventually they were going to have to let him out and he wasn’t going to waste any time getting as far from this place as he could when that time came.

He paced the length of the room, moving at a natural speed for once. When he first woke up and was moved to his current room, he would run from one end of the room to the other. It didn’t take long before Pietro realized it wouldn’t do him any good. He wasn’t getting out and it only wasted his energy to zip around the room. At the moment he didn’t want to waste any energy on running around the small space but he felt that pent up energy building up and he hated that he didn’t have a proper outlet for it.

When someone knocked on his door, Pietro ignored it. It was common for someone to knock before dropping off food. If it was a doctor, they would enter without his permission anyway. He waited for the slot in the door to open and a tray to slide on to the ledge on his side of the door. It seemed too early for lunch but it wasn’t as if the speedster had any concept of time. He didn’t know how many days had passed, losing count quickly. He didn’t have the patience to keep track after a week had passed but he assumed he had been there for at least a month, maybe longer.

There was a second, more insistent knock on the door and this time Pietro moved cautiously but curiously toward it. No one knocked more than once and he thought that the sound held some level of urgency to it. His head tilted slightly as he listened at the door, not sure he would be able to tell who was on the other side if he tried. Someone knocked again and with a sigh, Pietro finally asked who it was. It was clear they wanted his attention and now they had it, not that he cared too much about who it might be.

“Pietro?”

He noted that the voice wasn’t familiar but it was soft and feminine and youthful. It wasn’t someone he had met before, as far as he could tell. They sounded hesitant which caught his attention more than the knocking. Not many people around this place were hesitant around him. Most seemed to know that there was security everywhere and he wasn’t a threat. He stepped closer to the door when he noticed the little slot had opened. He could see someone peeking inside but he didn’t recognize them. Pietro didn’t say anything but he did place a hand on the door, closing his eyes for a moment.

“I’m going to assume you can hear me, Pietro,” you continued. You cleared your throat. “My name is (y/n). Can I … can I come in?”

Pietro’s brows furrowed but he quietly backed away from the door. His new visitor had him too curious to not let her inside. He moved over to the bed and sat down but didn’t speak. He could be at the door and out of the room before anyone realized what was happening but his curiosity had gotten the better of him. Still he was being stubborn, not wanting to give anyone anything that they could use against him. If they were going to try to use him for who knew what, Pietro was going to make them work for it.

You walked in, opening the door wide enough to be able to slip in. The heavy door slammed shut behind you, making her jump as you heard the door lock, but you didn’t look back at the door. Your eyes were intently fixed on Pietro as soon as you saw him. Someone on the other side of the door gruffly told you that you had 15 minutes before they would come in and you muttered a curse under her breath. 

Pietro noted that when you had whispered, it hadn’t been in English and for a moment he wondered what language it was. It sounded roughly like Sokovian but not enough that he was certain he recognized the language. He wasn’t curious enough to ask however. You bit your lip as you stayed near the door, looking him over slowly.

Pietro folded his arms across his chest but still didn’t speak. Instead he fixed you with an intense glare, his brows pulled tightly and a scowl on his face. You were pretty, which he noticed immediately, but he wasn’t going to let them lull him into a false sense of security. He might have been a flirt but he wasn’t an idiot. He wasn’t sure who had taken him in, SHIELD or HYDRA, and Pietro wasn’t sure he trusted either of them. That meant he wasn’t sure if he trusted you since he had no idea what your intentions were.

You swallowed thickly as your gaze turned down toward the floor. You weren't trembling but you looked close to it as you slipped your hands into the front pockets of your jeans. You stayed close to the door, timidly glancing at Pietro before looking away when your eyes met. Clearing your throat, you found your voice. “My name’s (y/n),” you repeated, not sure if he had heard you. Your gaze flitted around the room now to avoid making eye contact. “I’m here to talk.”

Pietro rolled his eyes, his arms still folded across his chest as he let out a sigh. He wasn’t sure he trusted that you were as timid as you seemed. It could have been an act. The fact that you seemed afraid of him annoyed the speedster as well. It wasn’t like he was going to hurt you. “I’m not feeling very talkative,” he bitterly said. “After all it’s hard to want to talk to people who keep me locked away in a cage.”

“Oh …” You looked up and stopped short at the look on Pietro’s face. Your lips curled up in a brief smile, trying to show you were there to help. Your hands fell to your sides and you shook your head. Your face softened as you took a couple of steps away from the door although you still kept some distance between yourself and the speedster. “I … I don’t think that’s what they’re trying to do here, Pietro.”

He watched as you moved toward him, his arms falling to his sides. He was still cautious so he stayed where he was, not wanting to let his guard down too soon. He especially didn’t want to let his guard down to a pretty face only to have it backfire. It was better to keep a bit of cautious optimism for the moment. Pietro wasn’t sure what you were doing there after all. He hoped that if he said as little as possible, you would tell him what he wanted to know. It seemed to be working so far although he wasn’t sure if you were as concerned about him as you appeared to be. He supposed it would be easy enough for someone to fake concern.

You swallowed hard again and took another couple of steps until you were standing at the foot of the bed where Pietro sat. “I can’t help you if you won’t let me,” you softly said, your gaze still locked with his for the moment. You bit her lip and nodded to the bed, finally glancing away from Pietro. “May I sit?”

Pietro silently nodded and watched as you carefully sat down. You seemed like you were both terrified and worried. He wondered which would take precedence, although it seemed like it was going to be your concern for his well-being. He felt his features melt into something less intimidating but he didn’t speak, still not sure he could trust you.

Even if part of him wanted nothing more than to trust you. Pietro knew, in the back of his mind, that he could use a friend.

You sighed, reaching up to tuck some of your hair behind your ear. “I’m sure all of this has been very difficult for you. I don’t doubt that it feels a lot like we’re keeping you here against your will,” you said, nodding your head slightly as you spoke. “I know that you have no reason to trust me but I promise that I won’t lie to you, Pietro. If it was up to me, we’d be having this talk somewhere much more comfortable than this.”

You waited for Pietro to speak and when he didn’t, you let out a nervous laugh. Your eyes roamed his face before you looked at your hands as they rested in your lap. You were too nervous to hold eye contact with him for long. “I don’t have much time but I wanted to introduce myself. I’m going to be coming by every day and I won’t stop trying until you open up to me,” you explained. 

You looked up and frowned at the distrust you saw in Pietro’s eyes. “I know how that sounds but I’m not going to try to break you. I’m barely a licensed therapist but that’s why I’m here. I need to evaluate you before they’ll agree that it’s safe to …” You shrugged, gesturing toward the door.

“Before they let me out of my cell.”

You looked up, your eyes widening as you shook your head. “No, Pietro. This isn’t a cell. You’re here for your safety,” you said, your frown deepening. “After what happened, well, no one was sure how you were going to react to being … alive.”

Pietro narrowed his eyes again and sighed, shaking his head. He wasn’t going to let you tell him to trust you and then freely give you that trust. He knew your name but he didn’t know anything else about you. Clearly you knew about him or you wouldn’t have been there. He didn’t like being at a disadvantage like this. If you wanted his trust, you were going to have to earn it.

You bit her lip as Pietro sized you up, your cheeks heating up as you took a deep breath. You glanced toward the door briefly, knowing your time had to be dwindling faster than you would have liked. It wouldn’t be long before someone told you that your time was up and you knew you had barely gotten Pietro to speak to you. When you looked back at him again, you smiled shyly. “We have all of the time in the world. As much time as you need. So tell me how I can win your trust, Pietro.”

Pietro shook his head, shifting his weight as he moved away from you. He didn’t like the feeling of being psychoanalyzed, even if you claimed that you were ‘barely’ a therapist, and he didn’t like that you had piqued his interest. He leaned against the wall at the head of the bed, trying to look disinterested. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters to me,” you said with a quick shrug. Your voice was gentle and a bit timid. You tried to smile as you watched Pietro process what you were saying, hoping he would believe you. “It matters to my boss and his boss. It matters to a lot of people. If you can’t trust me, I don’t know when they’ll let you out of here. I just want to help get you out of this room and out somewhere that doesn’t feel so stifling.”

Pietro laughed humorlessly, rolling his eyes as he looked away. He wanted to trust you. He wanted to get out of this room because he was tired of staring at these same four walls. The problem was that Pietro didn’t know where to begin so he figured he could keep feigning disinterest until you told him something that made him feel safe with you. You seemed unassuming but it didn’t mean you were. Pietro was well aware of that.

“I’ll come back later and see if you feel more talkative then,” you said with a nod. You slowly stood, pausing as you watched Pietro. Your smile grew a bit as he looked at you but it was still timid. “I think we’re going to get along if you’ll trust me. I think we can help each other actually. You just have to trust me.”

Pietro watched as you walked to the door. He debated for a split second whether or not he should push you aside when the door opened to let you out but he stayed where he was. He was still staring at the door after it closed behind you. He didn’t know if he could trust you but there was something that was telling him to try. Maybe it wouldn’t lead to anything but if he could get out of this place, he knew he couldn’t keep being so stubborn about this for long. Eventually you would stop trying and Pietro wasn’t sure what would happen to him after that. 

He wasn’t sure he wanted to find out either.

[whoiskt]

Grad School - Week 2

I'm chugging along here right now to finish a project for class tomorrow because although my class is not until 5pm, my wonderful boyfriend has his first day at a remote job from 8-5 tomorrow, which means I shall have to finish this before he steals the computer back from me. Gotta be grateful he lets me use his computer at all because lord knows......................... I don't know what I would do otherwise. Not go to school, I guess.

Here's a preview.

This class has taught me so much already like did you know he's just called "Static" not "Static Shock"? TV show was more influential than the comics, that's for sure. A win for me, who is trying to go into TV.

Other highlights from this week include:

Art History class where the whole room bonded over a hatred of Yves Klein-- an artist so insufferable and infuriating, yet sadly we couldn't help but sort of like the end products of his works. If you don't know him, he's a guy with a very weird belief set and a big problem with objectifying women. Literally. He makes them into his "Living Paint Brushes" and then sort of takes all the credit. But whatever, I don't have time to write out our feminist critique of Klein. Unfortunately, Klein, like me, was obsessed with the void. Here's "Le Void" aka "The Void" an installation piece that is just a white empty room which I found interesting.

But because Klein was stupid and annoying, his exhibition of this piece included leading groups of people into the room at a time rendering it completely moot. It's not a void if there's several people stuffed in with you. Ugh, fake void fan. He also thought he could levitate or something.

Classes were kind of boring otherwise this week. One class was literally just taking about the most basic basics of cinematography which I really didn't need to hear again. It was awful too, because the teacher asked us, "What is the most common shot?" and I KNEW it was medium close-up. I knew it. But, the way he framed it was like a trick question, and no one else was answering so he started doing a little dance, which I thought was supposed to be a hint so I blurted out "Full-body." and he said, "No, but that's an interesting answer psychologically," and then proceeded to say that it meant I keep my distance from other people.

Instantly wanted to go home after that like not only did I say the wrong thing (whatever, don't care really) but then I got PSYCHOANALYZED for it. KMS.

My other big assignment, due Tuesday, is that I have to design and render (a la concept art) a fantasy gun. So, you can look forward to that in next week's post. Otherwise, I'm not really sure what to update with. Been kind of swamped with homework.

[gaoau]

i talked to God today

theory of the two demons warnings — none word count — 3.1k note — i usually call my stuff a character analysis disguised as a self insert fic, but tbh im not sure how confident i am in claiming this to be me psychoanalyzing dazai and co, but take it as you will. also, although im taking most of my character analysis from the light novels, if you havent read them, dont worry. the fic will be spoiler free, except for a couple names thrown around that you dont have to worry about. for those who have read the light novels, this will take place from a bit before storm bringer up to some time before dark era

next.

"what are you reading there?"

"it's a theory about times of war."

"what does it say?"

"it's called the theory of the two demons. it states that to combat a great evil, you need an even greater evil. say, for uprisings against the government, the government can infringe human rights for the sake of peace. persecution, forced disappearances, execution, among other examples. one is worse than the other, but both are bad, however, it's all for the greater good."

"that's interesting. how come the worst one wins?"

"however bad the method is, it produces good results. not everyone can be a greater demon, though. i read a book once with a similar concept, but it talked about ordinary and extraordinary people."

"really? what are we?"

"neither. ordinary people are your every day citizens. extraordinary are those like historical leaders who brought good with crime; heroes who didn't care about the bloodshed of ordinary people as long as it helped their good cause."

"two demons against each other, but one is more evil…"

"every crime comes with its punishment. sometimes the punishment is just a bigger crime."

"only a demon can kill a demon, huh?"

"yes, that's a good analogy, Dazai-san."

Dazai Osamu knows potential when he sees it. a bit of a demonstration, statistics printed on files, the look in someone's eyes—he can easily tell what will work and what won't. he dismisses the guards at Mori's door and enters the office with weightless steps. the first thing he notices is the kid sitting on a chair next to Mori; the second thing he notices is Mori's sly smirk; the third thing he notices is potential. the information pours into his brain with ease, processed as soon as it reaches him. this kid cannot be any older than him, nor can they be much younger. he knows this for a fact because he's read their basic information already.

this is [Surname] [Name]. Dazai recently fetched them from the ruins of an orphanage on Mori's order.

as he makes his way across the room and towards the desk, he tries his luck at eye contact with the new recruit. he meets their eyes, but there's nothing there. they blink, staring straight at him, and he can tell they're mistaking him for another shadow. a blank, silent, expressionless glare to contain and appease the sharp waves of ire contaminating the air. Dazai keeps his smile to himself so Mori won't pry.

[Name] sits quietly, hugging their knees to their chest, hiding the lower part of their face. they've trained themself to not take any space, pretend they aren't there at all, but their anger is spacious and selfish.

"Dazai-kun," Mori starts, tearing Dazai's attention away from the kid. his palm lands on [Name]'s head, but they don't budge an inch. Dazai wonders if it doesn't burn. "i trust you remember [Name]-kun. i'd like to ask you to train them." he removes his hand from [Name] to pick up a stack of files on his desk. as he slides them over to Dazai, who curiously starts scanning over the information, he continues, "their ability is good, but you know that's not enough here."

with a hum, Dazai marvels at the papers he's reading. it's not common for a person's ability to be as thoroughly documented as [Name]'s appears to be. its name, strength and weaknesses, utility, power, versatility—logs upon logs of valuable information on just one ability, dating all the way back to the moment [Name] was born. it's interesting, to say the least.

"i see why you wanted to recruit them," is all the input Dazai has to offer. the smile of an excited boy settles on his lips as he grins at Mori. he'll memorize all of these recorded experiments in a snap and then use them to the Port Mafia's advantage. that's what Mori is leaving them under his care for, after all. "alright, i'll handle them." his eye shifts to [Name] and their hollow stare. "i'll be waiting for you in the training rooms downstairs." he doesn't wait for a reply that won't come, instead leaving the office with a wave of his hand.

Mori smiles crookedly at the closed doors. he lets a chuckle fall off his tongue, turning on his seat to face [Name]. the black suit he provided looks big on them; they look big on themself. there's only so many of this type of child he can save.

from his desk drawer, he produces a cheap, stainless steel bracelet. the leaf charms jingle as he dangles it in front of [Name]. he notices the way their pupils come alive to try and focus on the jewelry. "do you recognize this, [Name]-kun?" he prompts, letting the bracelet fall on their knees.

for the first time since they sat down, Mori sees them take up space as they start moving. they're quick to plant their feet on the ground, hurrying to catch the steel chain before it slides to the floor. "no," [Name] replies quietly, their voice ringing with a calm and soothing lilt, unnervingly similar to a lullaby. "should i?" it's not much, but it's more than he thought them capable of.

speechless, Mori stares for a brief moment into the hollow eyes of a child. this kid feels awfully familiar, like they've been by his side for two years, like they've witnessed his crimes. he hopes this scheme of his will work out. he gives them an almost fatherly smile that doesn't fit him. "i suppose not. though you'll need it if you want to find your father."

[Name] inspects the bracelet with close attention. they'll need it if they want to find their father—which they do, it's one of the few reasons they are here in the first place. the metal is cold against their skin when they close their fist around it gently. it's a hint of what their life could have been like. it's dead. they don't consider wearing it, opting to pocket it to keep it safe.

"now, don't keep Dazai-kun waiting." there's a youthful bounce on the edge of Mori's words; a light chuckle to cover up the hell that awaits the new recruit. he lets it peek through mischievously when he closes his eyes and grins innocently. "he isn't very patient."

underground the Port Mafia headquarters, somewhere deep in the basement, there are training rooms properly designed to sustain destructive power from abilities strong enough to demolish buildings in a snap. this is where the mafia trains its ability users and turns them into the greatest pawns for the sake of the organization. relentlessly, mercilessly, children and adults alike undergo the same training once they fall into the mafia's clutches. [Name] will be no different, especially considering who will beat them into shape.

when they enter the room, Dazai is already waiting for them inside as he finishes reading the files from earlier. he glances up at [Name] with a bored eye, his right one covered by clean bandages. Mori said he isn't very patient. Mori must know what he's talking about. [Name]'s hairs stand on edge, suddenly wary of the young boy leaning against the wall like he's waiting for his parents to pick him up from school. they know they didn't take long enough for him to go through the hundreds of pages, but he quickly scans the last paragraph and then stands straight on his feet.

[Name] is worried. they take a step back on instinct.

Dazai lets the stack of papers fall from his hand and scatter on the ground. he won't need them anymore; he's got all the information he needs in his head now. "you're a force to be reckoned with, huh, kid?" his voice echoes in the room as he faces the new recruit fully. he ignores the caution in their every muscle.

there's something off here, [Name] realizes. they think it's funny for a moment, how this kid is addressing them like he's so much older and wiser. he cannot be any younger than them, nor can he be much older. he might just be a lot smarter than he's letting on; it shows in whatever that expression curling his lips up is.

with a seemingly exhausted sigh, Dazai walks closer to them, feet weightless. "attack me with all you've got."

a frown soils [Name]'s face for a brief second. they know how much power they have stocked up on from a few weeks ago. they know it's enough to kill a scrawny kid like Dazai in the blink of an eye. it wouldn't be wise to murder a coworker on their first day on the job.

"i don't think i should." they don't like the sound of their own voice echoing so loudly.

"i've read your files," Dazai hums.

"so?"

a bandaged hand reaches up to scratch the back of his head as he sighs again. he mutters some curses under his breath, exasperated. "listen," he starts, a sharp hiss stabbing alert into [Name]. "Mori-san left you under my care, so you should do what i say from now on."

[Name] gives it a second, before removing their black blazer and rolling up their sleeves. Dazai peers curiously at their arms. they think they don't like the Port Mafia. if this is how it operates and this is who it operates with, their time will drain before they can fulfill their goals. they can't guess what it is Mori will gain from this. it's a terrifying thought. it makes the blood boil in their veins.

they'll put up with it. they'll watch their own back. they'll let it simmer for a little longer. they'll burn.

for now.

an orange glow surrounds their body when their ability activates, sending surges of power from the tips of their fingers to their every nerve. it doesn't feel any different; gravity isn't any lighter, the air isn't any clearer, their vision isn't any sharper. the changes in their physique only show the moment they're attacked. with Dazai defenseless and idly standing, he won't get to see their ability in action before he's pummeled into the ground. they should hold back just for a demonstration, but he said all you've got. 

maybe he miscalculated. 

[Name] darts across the room towards their target, brows furrowed at Dazai's nonchalant stance. he raises his palm up and reaches towards their shoulder. they don't bother dodging, instead swinging their fist at his face. no matter if he touches them or not, nothing he hits them with will have an effect.

confidence suits Dazai more than miscalculations do.

the gap in the seconds is small, but it's enough; his palm lands on them before they can punch him. the glow from their ability vanishes instantly. their fist is absurdly weak as it smacks Dazai's cheek. he turns his head to the side while still keeping his eye on [Name]. their gaze is wide in confusion. blood pounds in their ears. Dazai makes a move and their heart sinks to their stomach.

they realize he isn't as scrawny as he looks. with one kick to their ribcage, [Name] flies towards the farthest wall to their right. the structure doesn't budge when they slam into it, bouncing off before dropping on the floor like a ragdoll. they taste blood. their body hurts—agonizingly so. they can't move.

Dazai's footsteps echo when he approaches them. he stares down at them like they're a scrap of paper littering the ground. "lesson number one: don't rely on your ability alone," he states, bored, and it sounds like he's underwater. with trembling limbs, [Name] tries to get up. their hands are blurry. Dazai stands in front of them. his shoes are blurry. "let's get to work. you've got a lot of training to do."

[Name] staggers to their feet instantly. Dazai isn't very patient.

frantic gasps for air echo through the room, bouncing off every corner to pierce back into [Name]'s ears. they hear the desperate panting, wondering why it sounds so muffled or when the cotton got into their ears. although their vision is blurry, they can make out the lights in the ceiling—only the one that is blinking, the other ones all look like blobs of brightness. when they gulp thickly and the gasps stop briefly, they realize they are the one struggling to breathe.

for a scrawny kid, Dazai can sure pack a punch—and then some. he didn't even break a sweat. he stands there, looking down at his new mentee lying on a puddle of their own blood, bored. their shirt used to be white, he notices. it's like they're nothing but a stain on the wall. (a wall which, albeit built to last, he managed to chip some debris off of while kicking [Name] around.)

slowly, as [Name]'s watery eyes focus and Dazai becomes more than a moving smudge, the pain starts settling in their body. their spine, their arms, their legs, their every muscle. something must be broken. with every breath they take, the bruises and open wounds Dazai so kindly gifted them ache as if they were being set on fire. the taste of blood overflowing in their mouth is nauseating.

"get cleaned up," Dazai's voice cuts through their choked breathing. he says it so casually, like he isn't watching them suffering and bleeding out on the ground. it stings in their ears. "we'll continue tomorrow. i'll use a gun, so be ready."

it sounds so weightless and calm that [Name] thinks it should be soothing. it isn't, though, it's alarming, and they continue to struggle to catch their breath as Dazai stares. there's not a chance they can move and get cleaned up like this. it's familiar. they've been here before—not here, but somewhere awfully similar, somewhere they'd abandoned, somewhere that had been done and over with not too long ago. it's here again. [Name] realizes it's here again. they don't want to be here.

ah, so that's how it is.

not that it matters anymore. all they need is time.

as their breathing regulates, their consciousness starts to fade. Dazai curiously scans them up and down while waiting for them to mutter out at least a strained yes. there's so much rage in their gaze, but it amounts to nothing in the state they're in. when no reply comes and their head lolls to the side, he forces out an aggravated sigh from between his teeth.

he leans over [Name] to be in their full view, an empty smile adorning his face. "about those scars on your arms…" he starts, trailing off, giving them enough time to react. they struggle to keep their eyes open. "you might want to cover them up." it's earnest advice—or as earnest as Dazai can get—he speaks from experience. his kindness goes as far as to unwrap the bandages around his head, the cleanest ones he has on him right now.

the cloth flutters and falls on [Name]'s chest. they try to catch a glimpse of Dazai's face, but all they see is the blinding lights on the ceiling as their mentor walks away. his footsteps echo, fading until he's out the door. the bandages soak up their blood.

if they were to die here, [Name] figures it wouldn't be too bad. (if they were to die here, it has a name, [Name] figures, it's dissonant.) given, they haven't finished yet, but they've known all along just how easy it is. something that they can take and something that can be taken from them. something they don't want anymore and something they have to protect. something excruciatingly painful that makes them want to sob, purely and innocently. something excruciatingly painful that makes Dazai want to sob, too.

something they hate. someone they hate. someone they want to hate. unreasonably so.

[Name] hears the lock click shut and promptly passes out.

it comes in waves. first it's the same blinking lights on the ceiling, then it's darkness again. once more, the puddle of blood underneath them, then darkness again. the echoes of their own breaths, the darkness. it repeats, over and over. [Name] doesn't know how long it's been since Dazai left them here.

when they pry their eyes open again, there are no lights on the ceiling—at least, none they can see through hazy eyes. the ceiling is so high up and so obnoxiously white that it's almost sickening. everything in this room is too sterile, too clean, too sickening. the bed, the tiles on the floor, the uniform, the straps, the mirror, even the cameras, especially the needles.

the only dirty, unclean thing occupying space is [Name]. they squint up to try and make out where the white walls end and their freedom starts. they find their freedom is underneath them, on the growing puddle of blood pouring from their arms. somewhere among all the cotton stuffed in their ears, they can hear alarms blaring.

usually, they're loud and annoying, but right now… right now, they can barely process a single sound that isn't their own heart beating in their brain. [Name] hears the lock click open and promptly passes out; darkness again.

it's hard to tell how much time has gone by. is it midnight? maybe even morning? they don't know how many times it's been. all they see is the mocking, flickering light above them—clearly this time. they've long stopped bleeding, coagulated blood settled on their wounds. the door is still closed, just as Dazai left it. they figure no one is coming for them here.

they're not that valuable anymore.

with an agonizing ache shooting through their nerves, [Name] rolls over on their own blood. it's disgustingly tacky when they sink their palm firmly into it to push themself off the floor. the bandages Dazai had left on their chest, now soaked in darkening stains, form a filthy pile on the ground. they stumble, limbs numb, nearly crashing back down. their vision darkens and blurs briefly once they stand on their feet. with gritted teeth—is it in excruciating pain or restrained anger?—they really hope there's an infirmary of some sort in this building.

note — the title of this fic is based off a rhetorical theory regarding times of civil war and military dictatorship in argentina. i never particularly cared about this theory in the context it is actually used in, so i decided to twist it to my liking. if youre interested in the actual theory, heres a link to the wikipedia page explaining the idea. although they both stem from the same concept, my take on it doesnt quite fit the real thing, so theyre meant to be separate. honestly im unsure if this is copyright infringement in any way, but i doubt some argentine philosopher is gonna come for me on a similar note, the "ordinary and extraordinary people" talk in the cold open is paraphrasing from rodyas dialogue about his article on crime in dostoevskys "crime and punishment". i love dostoevskys works and i think its really funny to use concepts written in his novels on bsd dazai when knowing he goes up against bsd fyodor as his best match thank you for reading drink water bye

[havendance]

No that makes sense!

My issues with the way Helena's Bruce issues is less that they exist and more the way that it's executed in canon. She wants to be accepted by Batman, she wants to be respected, she wants him to acknowledge her. I think that's interesting. My frustration comes more from the way it's executed.

In her original '89 solo, she spends most of her time operating completely separate from Batman until they team up at the end and we get this on the last couple pages of the final issue:

(Huntress (1989) #19)

Helena: (internal) Funny. Throughout that whole experience... I kept hoping that Batman would accept me. I guess it's foolish, but I kept thinking that maybe he'd grow to like me, see me as a kindred spririt. I half-expected him to say... "Why... I'd be proud to have you as my daughter..." Or something equally... ...cornball. Maybe because my own family was such a failure, I guess a part of me wanted him to be my family.

Which is just, the sort of thing that I think that could maybe work if it weren't so heavy-handed and so obviously because Huntress pre-crisis was Helena Wayne his daughter and thus they felt the need to address it, but coming in without that knowledge, it just feels out of nowhere.

This happens again in her (not good) 1994 mini where it's handled even worse:

(Huntress (1994) #2)

Helena: I wanted his approval. I guess I still want it. Crazy, huh? I needed his permission to creep around rooftops in the dark. I have a father fixation for a guy who dresses like a bat.

It's just heavy handed and we've got the psychoanalysis that I just do not like. And like in context, she woke up naked in the bed and the detective walked in. He proceeds to mansplain her backstory to her. It's just not great.

Those are the two most egregious examples, but they stood out enough to me to really just turn me off of the concept. Like I said at the beginning, it's less that she's hung up on Batman and wanting his approval (even though I think she should just break free, but like, I can acknowledge that it's part of her character), it's the framing of it in a way that just feels like it makes her character less than Bruce and the way that it feels like it only exists because of Helena Wayne. There's just something about having her repeatedly psychoanalyze her self that rubs me the wrong way. Let her be blind to it and justify her thoughts to herself!

Anyway, Greg Rucka also kind of did this in Cry for Blood, but I give it a pass because a) it's clearly riffing on everything else, b) it's not Helena doing it to herself, and c) Helena gets to tell the Question he's full of shit.

(Batman/Huntress: Cry for Blood #4)

Vic Sage: He created you by setting an example. And as with all parents you struggle against him, seeking both approval and liberation. Helena: You saying the Batman is my father? Vic: In a manner of speaking... Yes. Helena: You are so full of it.

That was kind of a lot, but I appreciate hearing your thoughts! It's one of those things that canon kind of poisoned for me but I'm slowly coming around to thinking about in different ways.

(In the Dick-Helena roleswap AU, Helena has dick grayson-flavored daddy issues which are way less about her psychoanalyzing herself and more about guilt and hanging questions and are they or are they not father and daughter which I just find more fun :) If you want to know more about the AU, I've talked more about it before here!)

Thinking about the dick helena roleswap au again. See when DC comics writers give Helena batman daddy issues it's silly and lame. But when I do it, it's sexy and cool.

[guzmagang]

Hello! I found your page due to the Guzma head canons. He's become my hyperfixation as of late, as such I was wondering if you had any other headcanons you wanted to share?

Yeah, sure, I need to get back into writing. Also i need a distraction for my own mental wellbeing ahahhahahahah help. 

Guzma strikes me as the partner who will willingly listen to any music you’re into and with you and not make any comments about it but is secretly judging and half-way psychoanalyzing. 

He’s pretty handsy and unabashed; if you have any family who makes underhanded comments about you around him, he becomes much more crass and possessive. He will make sure it’s known that 1- you are his, so fuck off with that shit and 2- you chose him. You did not choose them. They’re stuck with both of you and he will make it hell for them for his entertainment. 

Guzma 100% eats like the Single Straight Man™ stereotype whether or not he is or is not straight; his breakfast is a weirdly toasted piece of bread and dinner is a frozen pizza topped with random shit he threw on. 

ON that note, if you cook for him/order higher quality food/ literally anything else, he’s so far gone; this man is chest deep into this relationship and he just fell for you. 

[ I just had a thought as I am writing this of Guzma hearing literally any song from “The Normal Album” and being legitimately wildly concerned. ]

Can and will fight any shitty person who is now removed from your life; ex, ex friend, shitty family, he will undo all of his therapy. 

Guzma is wildy crass at times, but when it comes to you, he’ll ask you rather intimate things with such maturity; asking you about your past relationships, if anything bad happened, why it didn’t work out and such, and will handle it with a lot of mercy and maturity. 

Give him some sort of gentle thing to stimulate him; let him pet a soft pokemon, comb a pokemon, brush your hair, attempt to braid your hair- just give him something soft and it’ll soothe him a lot if he’s feeling restless or trapped. 

If he didn’t live in a naturally humid and salty environment, his hair would not be nearly as floofy. Fluffy, yes, but not a swablu. Fucker got italian hair fr fr 

Guzma is obviously not particularly an academic, but he also doesn’t like to be seen as a stupid fuck-up; if you went to college or any sort of higher education, he’ll ask you to show him any of your notes from that and explain the concepts to him. He’s not the greatest at it, but now he understands how a pathogen works! 

He isn’t particularly entranced with reading, but he’ll definitely do it as a non-violent non-traumatizing form of entertainment. 

Has no fuvkin clue how a fountain pen works. None. 

If you have a hyperfixation/special interest to talk about, he will absolutely listen to you talk about it and such; no, he has no idea what you’re talking about. Yes, please keep on talking. 

Embroidery is the same fountain pen conundrum. 

Will grasp onto very random academic concepts; he knows there was an industrial revolution which led to the mass production of art equipment and technologies that revolutionized the art world and how artists worked, sparking the first movement away from the French academy of art. No he doesn’t know what impressionism is. Yes they are the same thing. 

[nyxulansis]

One of my favorite things to do is psychoanalyze characters from shows I like, and in this case I was dwelling on the similarities and differences between Diego and Five from The Umbrella Academy.

Some of their similarities are how aggressive they both can be.  Like, if anyone is picking a fight with anyone, it’d be one of these two.

They’re also the main strategists in their family and are usually the ones who come up with some kind of game plan on how to get anything done.

Really, when you get down to it, one of the main differences between them is maturity.  Five has just been through way more than Diego has, and has a better grasp on the big picture.  

But I think the real fundamental difference between that goes beyond experience is how their aggressive personalities present themselves.

Diego’s aggression, for instance, is defensive in nature.  It’s when someone is being unfairly treated that he gets angry.  His relationship with Vanya is a great example of this.

Throughout most of season 1, Diego was nothing but hostile towards her.  He was mad at her for writing a book about their lives without their consent and revealed way more than he was comfortable with.  Yet, when Luther threw her in a cage, Diego defended her. 

Diego is the kind of guy who fights for the helpless.  So, despite how angry he was at Vanya, he could tell this was not fair to do to her. 

Five’s aggressive personality, however, is offensive in nature.  He doesn’t care about fairness in the way Diego does because he knows the world isn’t fair. 

Five knows from living in a wasteland for decades, and working as an assassin for a time traveling agency that life is cruel.  So, he doesn’t bother with concepts of morality, or what the right thing to do is.  Instead, he focuses on what he wants, and what he wants is to keep his family safe.  And if killing people is what he needs to do to protect his family, than so be it.  He’s not going to question it.

I guess you could say the real difference between them is that Diego is more reactive whereas Five is more proactive.

Diego focuses more on the present and what dangers are right in front of him while Five is more focused on what will happen in the future. 

[just-a-creep-babe]

I'm back?? Creeps with a really go with the flow, devil-may-care, Not afraid of death, Chill SO? [EX: *meets creeps* Wow, okay, this is my life now I guess. || Same stuff as always! *helps hide body* || You wanna fly into the Bermuda triangle and live to stream it? Heck yeah, she'll bring spicy sour patch kids. || Don't worry! I'm still in shock! Can't feel a thing! || '*does something stupid* we survived? Brilliant. Love it when that happens. ] Thanks!♡

~Requests are closed but commissions are open~

Masterlist: x

Slenderman

Jfc—why?

He’s already worried about litcherally everyone else in the mansion, now you too?

He is Quite Concerned™️

Lowkey more concerned for you over the others but that’s a given tbh

Honestly questions how tf you’ve manage to make it this far without dying

He makes it his personal mission to keep you safe at all costs—no matter what

So on the bright side, you sort of inherit this ancient eldritch being as a personal bodyguard!

But on the not-so bright side, said being just doesn’t let ya have any fun around here >:/

Will physically restrain you from doing something stupid so you don’t get caught up in anything dangerous

Starts considering giving you a curfew or smthg because even he can’t keep up with the stuff you get pulled into

But he respects you too much for that, ofc, so he just begrudgingly accepts that you’ll keep doing you—no matter how irresponsible or dangerous it might be :”)

Still loves you despite the heart attacks you nearly put him through every other day :)

Jeff the Killer

This 👏mans 👏will 👏love 👏you 👏forever 👏

At first, admittedly, he’s a teensy bit put off by your nonchalance because how can someone actually be that laid back all the time??

But once he adjusts to it & realizes that you aren’t, in fact, faking it for whatever reason, he’ll be completely & utterly enamored with you

Like,, he can do a bunch of stupid shit & drag you along into it & you won’t freak out??

Sign 👏him 👏up 👏

Loves not having to worry about you sanity tbh—there’s no need to hide all the dangerous crap he does because he knows you won’t worry ^^

And homeboy most definitely will take advantage of your go-with-the-flow nature

He’s got a taste for danger & doing stupid shit—how could he not bring you along with him?

If/when y’all get caught & put in trouble tho, he’ll take the blame so that you don’t suffer for something that was most likely his idea

Jeff? Doing the right thing? It may be more likely than you think 🤔

It still sometimes unnerves him just how chill you are with everything, but hey, he can’t let you outdo him in badass-ness, so he’s guaranteed to incite plenty of chaos to prove himself; it’s bound to be an exciting time uwu

BEN Drowned

Oh he is sO down

One of the perks of being dead? He probably can’t die again

So there are absolutely no limits to the insane shenanigans he’s willing to pull off

The fact that you’re just as down to clown makes thing so much better

It gets to the point where someone constantly needs to keep an eye on the both of you so you don’t accidentally end up dying

Cause BEN (and bless his soggy soul) as much as he loves you, tends to forget how fragile human beings can be

So it’s up to the others to make sure your lack of self-preservation doesn’t get you killed

But your fearlessness & nonchalance is like a breath of fresh air!

Things can get a teensy bit boring when you’re immortal, so he’s more than happy to have a badass s/o by his side who’s down for pretty much anything uwu

Y’all get into a bunch of stupid, dangerous & probably illegal shit—but he wouldn’t want it any other way 😘

Eyeless Jack

Similar to Slendaddy, this mans is Concerned™️

He will constantly check you over to see if you need to get patched up because he knows you’re a danger magnet

But at the same time, he doesn’t wanna be too overbearing

Like he definitely has this live & let live mentally (prolly in part due to his diet) so he‘ll try not to bring up too often how nervous he is about your safety & well-being

You’ve accepted him as he is, part demon and all, so he feels like he owes you the same

Even if it does scare the shit out of him because my god what have you gotten yourself into this time??

He’s kinda like a worried mom tbh—he’ll pack you up a lunch & send you off with a “be safe, don’t do anything dangerous, say no to drugs,” and stuff, even despite knowing you probably won’t listen

Homeboy just wants you to grow & experience the world for yourself :”)

Still, he’ll ask the others to keep an eye out for you & to not put you in too much danger

And he’ll totally sometimes follow you from the shadows just to make sure you’re staying safe skdjsjdlsjl

He’s a protective demon boi, what can I say? :)

Masky

He’s,,,, pretty impressed actually

Thinks your nonchalant attitude is kinda badass

Of course he still gets worried, but he’s also prone to forgetting how fragile most people are

His pain tolerance is pretty dang high, so he doesn’t always realize certain things can hurt normal people. Badly

He’ll feel super bad if you get injured with him, but at least homeboy will try to make it up by giving you plenty of sweets & cuddles uwu

He might try to give you a stern talking-to so that you’re more careful, but he knows it won’t stop you from being you

Still, overall, he thinks it’s pretty sweet that you’re down for, like, anything

Will probably wanna take you with him for jobs sometimes—just cause he can & it probably won’t traumatize you too bad :>

Just don’t tell slender

Thinks his bold little s/o is damn cool & lowkey brags abt you all the time uwu

Hoodie

He thinks it’s pretty funny lmfaoo

Is torn between being worried & wanting you safe while also desperately wanting to just be like “fuck it” and do a bunch of stupid shit with you :”)

Will probably take advantage of how you don’t worry much to tag you along in his shenanigans

But at least he’ll make your safety & comfort his utmost top priority uwu

Honestly, he admires how chill you are with shit that’s pretty traumatizing—it’s almost funny that you’re just as brave as he is, considering his line of work and all

It’s,, kinda intriguing to him; homeboy will maybe wanna psychoanalyze you a lil 👀👉👈

You’re just so interesting, he can’t help but be a smidge fascinated 👁👄👁

Really wants to be able to make some good, wild memories with you <3

He’s honestly the perfect balance of protective & adventurous at the same time

Just wants to please his little s/o and keep them safe & happy while fulfilling their need for wild shenanigans :>

Ticci Toby

Oh boy

He is the same

Together, y’all are chaotic af

The creeps know not to leave you unsupervised because shit will go down

The utmost chaotic duo in need of constant watching over & patching up ngl 😅

Seriously, the others are damn near always worried about babysitting you two because you’re both danger magnets

And it doesn’t help that Toby has no concept of danger and/or pain

He’ll try to be super sympathetic if/when you do get injured, but poor boy will be clueless af as to how to help

So more often than not, he’ll end up using himself as a human shield to protect you from danger to make up for it

Either way, y’all get into so much shit, it’s unbelievable

Kinda perfect together but like,, in the worst of ways lmfaooo

[ddarker-dreams]

Your blog is just.. Wow 😭 I found it a couple of days ago and I’ve read through the whole thing and SHEESH.

If it’s ok to send in concepts or anything; I feel like Chrollo wouldn’t force himself onto darling (sexually and the like, well except kidnapping..), so I thought it’d be funny if darling used that to her advantage to have a little fun. Like wearing suggestive clothing and doing little things that might be seductive - just to spite him. Though maybe since he’s so able to compose himself he’d just enjoy it. He’s so foul..

THE WHOLE THING... i am honored by your dedication. that’s a lot of stuff to get through. thank you so much for taking the time to check everything out!! there’s... a lot there. a whole lot.

all my scenarios (so not counting headcanons/concepts), tally up to this according to ao3, which is insane to me. the pandemic really turned me into a writing machine. if my grandchildren ever ask what i was up to during the pandemic, i’ll need to think of a solid cover. 😭

ANYWAYS onto your idea!!

[...]

Chrollo is no stranger to balancing himself between two worlds. 

Life and death, highs and lows, reservation and temptation. Self-control isn’t something that he prides himself in. It’s more like a result of tiding himself over until he can get what he wants, any thief is driven by a goal of taking that which does not belong to them. As such, he might not always keep his hands to himself. However, he stops just shy of being indecent, gauging your reaction and committing it to memory. Just how far are you willing to take this little ploy? That’s what he’s interested in uncovering. He’ll peel back layer and layer, until there’s nothing but your heart and soul laying bare for him, paying you back in full for the agony you’ve put him through. 

Chrollo’s going to try and come in with some shrewd psychoanalyzing comments, but the results are mixed. His words can either sting or be completely off the mark. In the case of the latter, he’ll take the mistake with grace, moving on as if nothing ever happened. He wants you to find your own behavior embarrassing, as a sort of punishment for enticing him in the first place. You’ve had your fun and now he’ll have his. Chrollo asks if you intended to treat your tormentor (the word you describe him as), to such a beguiling show. Anything to get a rise out of you. He’ll remember what works and what doesn’t. 

It’s not that he isn’t enjoying your shameless displays of skin. He’s just a little peeved (though he’d never admit it), that you’re flaunting some degree of power over him. Chrollo wants to be in complete control. Even if he acts like you have some say, you never really do, and that fact alone gives him comfort. He’s so used to micromanaging details that not being able to do the same with you feels... off-putting, in a way. 

So mess around with him at your own risk. 

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, episode 17-20 thoughts! finishing up season two! the finale is the THIRD 2-PARTER OF SEASON 2. that's so many! I wonder how many season 3 will have?

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-UERGH WHY DOES VLAD HAVE AN AI WITH MADDIE'S FACE ON IT. SOOO CREEPY. AND MORE 'CREATIONS' waiiiit. vlad is Dr. Frankenstein! (despite his ghost design obviously referencing vampires) HE HAS 'CREATIONS' HE MAKES THEN WONT TAKE REAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR!!! this bitch.

-danny was late and his friends immediately start going off about how hes inconsiderate, and has been treating them like sidekicks??? he just overslept, my god. chill. even if he has, be nicer about talking about it with him?? he really can't help that he sometimes has to chase the ghosts, or has a secret identity to protect...

-'what kind of ghost haunts a miniature golf course' umm. me as a ghost. next question

-imagine going home and theres a tiny child on your bed claiming to be your cousin. with as many cousins I have, I would probably believe her. but the 'ran away from home' BIT....SHES 12?? SHES SO TINY. I hate that they have her belly out in her ghost form, but I like how her colors are asymmetrical. something about her design...maybe the proportions?? are weird to me...anyway danny was good to feed her, but he shouldve taken her to his parents FIRST. or, tbh, probably jazz. (JAZZ DIDNT EVEN GET TO MEET HER!!! NOOO. I mean she said she'll be BACK BUT STILL)

-ANYWAY. shes voiced by AnnaSophia Robb, the girl who was in because of winn dixie, played as violet from charlie and the chocolate factory, and was the girl from bridge to terrabithia. (the movie that made me cry hysterically when I was 12 and I never watched it again because it Broke Me!) thats super cool.

-vlad sucks: the episode, basically. what's new!! I love how he's like, I'm Not A Villain. *immediately cuts to him torturing danny to make him transform, to get mid-transformation DNA, to perfect a Clone.* *immediately shows that he doesnt give a shit about his new daughter Dani and just wants a ''more perfect clone'' and will put her in danger to get that. will let her DIE to get that*

-Dani is danny's clone and is a girl? transgenderism....one of them has to be trans. or they both are.

-dani just. leaving at the end. WHAT? SHES 12. DONT JUST. NO!!! SHE WAS PROBABLY JUST BORN, A MONTH AGO AT MOST, RIGHT?? SHE NEEDS...SOMEWHERE TO LIVE. MONEY? FOOD?? A FAMILY?? AN EDUCATION???! WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE'S LEAVING!!! OKAY BYE I GUESS!!! D: concern!!!

-the next ep opens with skulker chasing a ghost down. ...does skulker count as a ghost hunter in the way valerie and danny do? I mean, sure, he hunts the good guys too, but he. he hunts ghosts...also, we haven't seen his Real Form since his debut episode! tiny...

-the guys in white are back! ngl, I assumed they were a gag for that one episode. you're telling me they might actually be a threat? ok.

-valerie in her lil nasty burger uniform looks so cute!! glad shes not in that mascot uniform this time. I guess she stopped hiding that she's working there now?

-gregor having white hair, dressed in black and white...and green eyes...sam has a Type, I guess.

-danny being unnecessarily hostile about gregor. danny!!! hes been nice so far. he looks a little...tall to be 14, but. danny doesnt know anything about him! (he does Suspect, but...you cant just spy on people and be rude to them from a hunch.) also, gregor kissed her, and when she freaked out, he was like 'oh no!! sorry, we can take it slow! I understand!' which was NICE. I hate jealousy plots still tho.

-altho. umm. tucker, being concerned about danny spying on them??? SAM AND YOU WERE SPYING ON DANNY AND VALERIE A FEW EPISODES AGO!!!!! im not saying its RIGHT, but dont be a hypocrite!!! AND THEN SAM BEING MAD ABOUT IT, TOO.

-DANNY IS A 7 ON THE SCALE OF ECTOPLASMIC POWER!!! out of 10? so I want to know where the other ghosts rank...I mean it's a list from the guys in white, so, it may not even be accurate, like, they havent seen ALL of his powers, have they?

-Lancer being like 'im not cooperating with the FEDS' until they said they could access his tax records. they already did that joke with jack, but like, its still funny. kings of tax evasion.

-tucker's aggressive third-wheeling. but gregor being super into it. gregor/tucker is the real ship here. then gregor kissing danny on both cheeks after hugging him. bi poly king gregor. (he does turn out to be a liar with a phoney accent. unsurprising, BUT THE CONCEPT OF HIM BEING GENUINE AND THEM ALL DATING IS FUN)

-THE...GUYS IN WHITE THINKING GREGOR IS DANNY PHANTOM. LMAOOO. GET HIS ASS. or,, Elliot. lmfao

-sam saying tucker is part of the package because theyre friends was super sweet <3 but also 'part of the package'...polyships are obviously the solution to these dumb jealousy/love triangle plots.

-danny crashed a whole plane. the collateral damage...

-is he....

-you know....

.... (ITS NOT GAY IF YOU'RE DOING IT TO PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT, AND LIE TO A GIRL. RIGHT? he was getting a little too into pretending to enjoy tucker's company, and the above...c'mon, guy.)

-lmao, freakshow is in actual prison. I didn't expect a follow up, or for him to show back up! in the finale of this season, too!

-THE SICK TATTOO GHOST IS NAMED LYDIA!!! more Lore On her. freakshow seemed genuinely concerned about her. also, is she mute? I don't think she talked the first time we saw her, either. and we didn't know freakshow 'envied' ghosts, either, the first time, we just knew he was controlling them. interesting!

-...they literally stole the infinity gauntlet from marvel and called it the reality gauntlet. is that legal. what the fuck. even with the gems in the lil slots, having different powers...they had freakshow in jail, but didnt check his pockets??! hes just still in his lil outfit??? what kind of ...oh, its in amity park. yeah, all of the adults are idiots, okay, sure.

-'freakshow!' 'in the anemic flesh!' dude take some iron pills then. also, sure, the red eyes could be contacts for his aesthetic, but the whites of his eyes are yellow! does he have jaundice?! he severely needs more...like, every kind of vitamin. (this is what im worried about as freakshow attacks danny with giant robots)

-again, goth circus is a sick theme, and I love his goth train.

-oh FUCK every single person saw danny transform. on a stage. including his parents via TV. oh god. the guys in white and immediately like 'youre coming in for experiments!' SCARY. at least the crowd is willing to help him to escape...perks of now being a local celeb! even the kids at school are accepting :) this is what, the third time his family has found out? its always been an alt timeline tho. and danny fully intending to just rewrite things again instead of...I dunno, trying to roll with it this time? hes really worried his family won't accept him, huh...

-'maybe our son IS THE GHOST BOY, but its not as if our family's ghostly activities have EVER PUT YOUR FAMILIES IN DANGER' maddie. mmmmmmmmmmmm. okay.

-danny 100% prepared to run away from home because of this :( oh :( and saying his parents are 'looking for him, or a scalpel to dissect him with' ouch...

-THE GUYS IN WHITE TRYING TO ARREST A 14 YEAR OLD. fuck da feds.

-side note (another one about voice actors...) freakshow's voice actor, Jon Cryer, was lex luthor in pretty much every DC tv show, which is why I recognized his voice, because my dad loves those shows so I've seen a good bit of them without seeking them out...)

-the old man saying 'hey, i still had minutes left!' and danny saying 'you gotta watch those roaming charges!' about danny destroying the people in the diner's phones so no one could report seeing him...would kids today understand these things. can you even BUY minutes anymore...I remember my first phone being a flip phone, and the fact I always had minutes when my sister ran out super fast, because I didnt have friends calling or texting me like she did...:/

-the fentons being genuinely like 'why didnt danny trust us and tell us this, we love him :(' and JAZZ LAYING INTO THEM WITH THE 'DISSECTION/MOLECULE BY MOLECULE' LINES. LITERALLLLY. they need to apologize

-technically, lydias stronger than you! -jazz lesbianism moments! when did you even learn her name!!! but also get freakshows ass. lydia is also cooler looking. looove her design sm still.

-jazz psychoanalyzing freakshow... (also, her also having ghost envy? au where jazz is a ghost!! id like to see it)

-im glad the kids still got to go to their respective vacation things, even if they cant really stick around and enjoy them much...

-furry: confirmed. (also tucker calling her hot. tucker is a furry confirmed)

-danny being mad someone at the comic con is selling comics of him without permission, lmfao. give him his royalties!

-freakshow > thanos because hes a drama clown and does use his gauntlet to be FLASHY AND DRAMATIC.

-jazz's 'USE PYSCOLOGY' to danny about freakshow LMAOO. AND THEN IT WORKING. but, oh, freakshow's ghost form sucks. I like him as a clown better tbh. good thing danny took away his ghost powers!

-his parents hugging him and saying theyre proud :"( and saying 'of course you lied to us, we never gave you a reason not to!' and saying they were in the wrong basically for always talking about hurting ghosts aaaa :""(

-then he WIPED THEIR MEMORIES AGAIN!!! FUCK. I can understand him wiping the goverments/student bodies' memories, but why his parents?? they were being accepting!! ARGHHH. season 3 couldve been them all trying to adjust to them knowing!

-I know, on a meta level the showrunners probably wanted to just reset things to the status quo of him having a secret identity. But. We've been doing that for (2) seasons, I'd love if season 3 could be like, his parents adjusting to this and trying way harder to learn more and accept it (and the shenanigans that could come from that) and for fun, if he didn't wipe the students memories, it could be him being popular for a while, then everyone slowly realizing, oh, he's still Danny. Like. he might have ghost powers but hes Just The Same Guy instead of putting him on a pedestal (and seeing them all try and help him hide it from the giw/people who don't know!!)

-fuck they didn't even explain WHY he wiped everyone except sam, tucker and jazz's memories. he just Did It right when his parents were saying they loved/accepted him!! and sam and tucker didnt question it at all!!! HELLO??? very annoyed about this turn of events.

-anyway. onto season 3! I know its shorter than the first two seasons, and is the last season... I might just do it in 2 bursts if I can... :3c depends on the episodes' content and how much I want to say about each!

[yumgrapejuice]

ALRIGHT bitches it’s speculation time because my head is Buzzing with Thoughts

(long post incoming; all of this is /rp btw lol)

Okay so first I wanna establish what we know so far about Ender Ranboo (or, at least, what I remember lmao)

(I think it’s safe to assume when the voice talks about things that Ranboo does and doesn’t remember, he’s implying ERanboo is the one that does it. Not getting into the voice right now, but I’m gonna take whatever it has said as at least partial truth to what ERanboo has been doing.)

Ranboo isn’t conscious of ERanboo and only knows he exists because of the blackouts and because ERanboo leaves evidence of his existence

He’s most likely been helping out Dream at the very least from middle of December (Dream was aware of the butcher army that had been kept only between the cabinet members, so it’d make sense if ERanboo was the one that told him about it)

Dream had given him one of the discs, saying he trusts this state of Ranboo

He most likely gave Dream Ranboo’s memory book for some reason, which can mean multiple things, but I’m gonna assume here it could have been a sort of show of trust from his side too (which would mean there’s some sort of mutual trust between Dream and ERanboo)

ERanboo only writes in ender language, but, evident from what Sam said, can speak in English just fine (I don’t think it’s clear whether he can or cannot write in English as well)

He tends to roam around without interacting with anyone, not paying them any mind when they try to talk with him (based off of at least Fundy and Puffy’s attempt)

However, when he is interacting (based off of Sam and his chatting that one time with Phil, was it? Don’t recall exactly now), he acts just like Ranboo

Ranboo has woken up in places he didn’t remember falling asleep at, but never somewhere incriminating, which is either very lucky for ERanboo or it’s intentional

ERanboo is working on some sort of project and is cautious about not letting Ranboo find or figure out anything (hiding away the chest with the disc, disposing of the maps, hiding away his memory book, etc)

He’s visited the prison multiple times, the last time being between Bad’s and Ranboo’s attempted visit

He messed with the waivers, deleting everything and writing in ender

:) has an effect on him

Okay, so we have very little concrete information about ERanboo, but that’s not gonna stop me from trying to psychoanalyze him lmao. First things first, I think we can safely assume it is Ranboo, just a different state. When he does interact with others, he acts just like you’d expect Ranboo to act (biggest evidence being from the way Sam talked about him, never suspecting something to be off), and whlie you could argue he’s just pretending, I think it’s more likely he’s not, and I’ll tell you in a moment why. 

What sets him apart from Ranboo the most is his odd behavior, as mentioned in the bullet point. ERanboo doesn’t act like a human, which is very interesting, because Ranboo isn’t human either, but he’s mostly fine! To me it’s almost as if ERanboo has no concept of social norms or doesn’t care for them. Again, I think the former is more likely. ERanboo is intelligent, there’s no question about it, but he barely does anything to not come off as suspicious. If he’s working with Dream, that should be a priority to him, right? But he messed with the prison waivers, effectively locking himself out the moment Sam found out about it, which would just be dumb if he’d done it intentionally! Maybe he wanted to keep Ranboo out of the prison and this was his way of doing it, but it seems a bit too convoluted to me. Based off of his behavior with other people, I think his understanding of norms and proper communication and behavior is simply different. So yeah, he acts way less human than Ranboo, but is still Ranboo, because it’d make no sense if he pretended to be Ranboo but then continued acting suspicious in all other areas. 

The idea that ERanboo is a less human version of Ranboo gives ground for quite a bit of interesting speculation. I wanna talk about manipulation for a moment here. The fandom seems to have taken the term and just run with it lol. By definition, manipulation is skillful handling or something or someone, usually with the intention of acquiring something. Change variable A to get a desirable variable B. In essence, it’s not a bad or evil thing, it’s merely a tool that can be used for bad things. We engage in various forms of simple manipulation daily with no nefarious intentions! But generally, yes, it’s regarded as a bad thing because it’s mostly used for that, but those forms of manipulation are more intricate than the simple ones, such as gaslighting or emotional manipulation or the such. It goes from just trying to get your friend to let you copy their homework to convincing someone you’re the only one that cares. Something here is needed for manipulation to work; the victim needs to be susceptible enough.

If we took the clearest example from the dsmp, it’d be the whole Tommy thing during exile. The psychological manipulation Dream performed on Tommy was, speaking from an academic pov lol, very skillful. He hit Tommy where he knew it’d hurt, he was aware what Tommy valued and what he needed and how he thought, and used that against him for his own needs. Tommy, with how human he was, was the perfect victim (which sounds really really terrible and i am still not over that whole thing je sus chr ist). So, what I’m trying to get to here, can ERanboo... even be manipulated? At least, in the same sense or a similar way? Again, there are many types of manipulation, and just throwing the word around isn’t saying anything, but it just makes me think. How susceptible ERanboo actually is? He acts so unlike humans, at least from what we’ve seen so far, that imagining him being manipulated in the traditional sense feels a bit out of place (for me personally!!!). By no means am I saying I don’t believe that’s what’s going on, Dream can very well be manipulating ERanboo, but I also like to consider the alternatives, that, to me personally, seem more interesting :))

There are so many different ways we can speculate about Dream and ERanboo’s relationship, so I’m gonna give my own two cents lol. I’m gonna go off on the assumption that ERanboo’s isn’t being manipulated into helping Dream. Not only because I’m questioning whether he can even be manipulated, but also the nature of their relationship just seems... very personal? If it makes sense?

No one else is aware of it (Sam and I guess Sapnap now probably suspect something, though), and they’ve both been trying to keep it that way, even now when Dream’s locked up. If ERanboo was in any danger from Dream or was acting against his will, this could be the opportunity for him to get away, which he hasn’t been doing. That can be for multiple reasons, such as not realizing he’s being manipulated or being co-dependent or the such, but it can also very well be because he isn’t acting against his own will, and their relationship is based more on trust than deceit, for whatever reason. It’s really all about whether you’d like to think ERanboo is a puppet or if he has his free will and acts on his own accord, and I personally find the latter more fascinating:D  

Now, I really wanna talk about the whole :) thing, because FUCK is it so interesting. Up until now, I thought it was some sort of symbolic thing, but apparently not, and that opens up SO MUCH. Okay, first thing we gotta establish—not all :) are equal. 

Ranboo has had the smile in his memory book for a long while and has seen it multiple times without much of an effect (he does go quiet or more serious for a moment but that’s about it, at least lately). In the beginning, though, it had a much stronger effect, but less in regards to ERanboo and more about Ranboo’s own stability. It’d be great if we could separate which effects are intentional and which are just Ranboo freaking out lol. At the start, in regards to the smile in the book at least, I think it was more the latter. However, at one point he did say that looking at the smile is what causes the voice to appear, but lately it hasn’t been having any sort of effect. I have two guesses about it—either what impact it did have was caused by Ranboo’s instability, or the effect wore off over time. Issue with this is that we don’t know who exactly wrote the smile in the book. It could have been Dream, but it also could have been ERanboo for whatever reason. Because I don’t know, I’m not going to speculate about this particular smile any further. If it was written by Dream, intentions could also play a role here, but again, it’s pure guesswork.

What I am going to speculate is the other smiles, namely on the “thanks :)” note and Sapnap’s message. Both of these were definitely written by Dream, and I think both of these were intended for ERanboo, not Ranboo. On one of Ranboo’s latest stream’s, he started in his ender state, I think we can all agree on that. He went back to his house and found the thanks note, looked at it for a moment, and boom, Ranboo was back. Now, Sapnap said Dream had a message for him, sent him a smile, and boom, ERanboo time. So :) that is directly written by Dream must be some sort of trigger for their switch, but I think ERanboo is fully aware of it, and is, in fact, taking advantage of it. Ranboo never woke up in any suspicious place that put ERanboo’s plans in jeopardy, and has, actually, been waking up in his house lately! Surely, that’d make him less suspicious about what ERanboo is doing, right? ERanboo may not care much for how others perceived him, but I think he’s definitely taking a lot of precaution to keep Ranboo out of his business. 

No idea how :) came to be, but I think it’s a relatively new thing. The first time we’ve seen it in Ranboo’s vicinity was during the failed festival with the whole memory book and traitor thing. That didn’t immediately cause a switch, which leads me to believe either Dream didn’t write it, it wasn’t perceived as an indication to switch by ERanboo, or it wasn’t yet a trigger. Whatever the reason, we’ve only seen the smile be utilized for switching only a couple of times, both of which were very recent, so we can’t really assume it’s an old thing. It could have been developed as a sort of measure for ERanboo and Dream to have more control over switching, which would make sense if ERanboo is working on some sort of big project.

TL;DR: ERanboo is very confusing and very interesting and this mf is not even trying to be human, what’s his and dream’s deal, who knows, not me, very excited to see what the hell is happening

It’s very difficult to speculate about this since we’ve had so little info, but yeah! That’s what I’ve got right now lol. One single stream can throw all of my speculations out the window, which I’m more than happy to see happen if we get more insight on what’s actually happening:D 

i just think they’re rlly cool okay,,,,

(i’d also actually really like to hear what y’all think is going on, it’s so fun to speculate:>>)

[serialbydesign]

Defining Psychopathy

Psychopathy, often confused with sociopathy, is an anti-social personality disorder. Both mental health conditions are characterized by:

Need for violence.

Disregard for social norms, conventions, and laws.

Lack of remorse & guilt.

Deceitful nature.

However, sociopaths usually are emotionally unstable and tend to act on compulsion, lacking patience and planning. Psychopaths are attentive to details, calculated, and plan every action they intend to pursue – be it legal or illegal. Therefore, they leave few clues and take fewer risks. Over time, multiple conceptions of psychopathy developed – most of which overlap, but some contradict others.

Just like sociopathy, psychopathy can be caused by genetic and environmental factors. This means children can inherit it from the parents but also develop it during the lifetime after abuse, emotional shock, or living in an unsuitable environment. But one can also acquire psychopathy after a traumatic brain injury. It has been discovered that the prefrontal cortex is responsible for our social behavior and acquired psychopathy is often linked to trauma in this area.

Another prevalent theory states that psychopathy is genetically inherited and can be triggered by environmental factors, while sociopathy is only developed throughout life. No matter which theory we follow, Dexter Morgan is much closer to being a psychopath than a sociopath. However, he does struggle with keeping his Dark Passenger under control at times.

Dexter Morgan, The Psychopath 

Dexter Morgan is a forensic expert, but he most frequently calls himself a blood spatter analyst. Even though he commits horrendous crimes throughout the show, we root for him and find bits of ourselves in his narratives. We see how he evolves from a cold-blooded serial killer to a cold-blooded serial killer who cares about some of those around him. The personal way in which he narrates his experiences further increase the connection we feel with this character. He often contemplates on aspects of the day-to-day life using first person pronouns in plural forms, which works on our subconscious. This is one of the many techniques used by real-life psychopaths, and Dexter Morgan proves again and again that they work.

“They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being, it’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world.” – Dexter Season 5 episode 12, “The Big One”

Dexter’s sense of righteousness instilled by his adoptive father fires up conflicted feelings on his morality. On the one side, he murders people in cold blood and enjoys it. But on the other, he gets rid of “bad seeds” the justice system could not charge. Ultimately, he is saving lives while satisfying his dark passenger, being a modern vigilante.

“We all make rules for ourselves. It’s these rules that help define who we are. So when we break those rules we risk losing ourselves and becoming something unknown.” – Dexter Season 7 Finale, “Let’s Give the Boy a Hand”

These, together with his continuous struggle to control his urges and do as little damage as possible to society, make us all feel sympathy for Dexter. Because we know the terrible things that happened to him, we understand what caused this behavior. But would he feel the same about us?

The Profile of Dexter Morgan

Dexter Morgan is persuasive, intelligent, deceitful, and a psychopath.

He killed well over 100 people (at least 134 documented cases) and shows no remorse about this – in fact, he believes he benefits society. Moreover, he likes to take trophies – a single drop of blood from each of his victims, carefully placed on a glass slide. Dexter has a ritual that is full of meaning for each of his victim’s crimes and likes to confront them and let them know he knows what they did. He feels empowered by this, he feels he finally has control.

Dexter is neat, sometimes compulsive, and likes to keep order in his life. He always plans his actions and waits for the best and safest time to make a move. This is what differentiates himself from a sociopath. He likes being and working by himself because using his “mask” is tiring. But even though he has an anti-social behavior, his social skills are way above average.

“People fake a lot of human interactions, but I feel like I’ve faked them all and I fake them very well. And that’s my burden, I guess.”

Dexter Morgan can be best psychoanalyzed using Freud’s structural model of the psychic apparatus which defines three dimensions of the mind:

The id represents our uncoordinated instincts, with a focus on pleasure and desire. The id is often associated with evil, lust, sin, and the like. The super-ego is the moralizing element, responsible for assimilating social norms and behaviors. It’s the virtuous, pure, and wholesome dimension. The ego, a realistic and rational influence on our thought process, usually mediates these two antagonizing elements.

Even though most individuals naturally balance these three dimensions, Dexter Morgan struggles do so. He spent all his life observing those around him and trying to mimic their behavior, knowing he will never act like them naturally.

Dexter’s Id

After the age of 6 years old, most individuals suppress their id and manage to focus their mental and emotional energy towards following social norms. But Dexter was not able to do so and, as a consequence, his id rules his life. Even as a child, Dexter enjoyed killing animals. In fact, taking a life is the only thing that makes Dexter feel alive. Sex does not interest Dexter, which we can also blame on the trauma he suffered as a child at a critical age for his (among others) psychosexual development.

Dexter’s Super-Ego

Dexter refers to the people surrounding him as humans, feeling detached from his own humanity. There is plenty of evidence throughout the show that demonstrate Dexter has a seriously underdeveloped super-ego if any. His adoptive father, Harry, created an artificial super-ego dimension in his mind through a few strict guidelines. However, Dexter’s subconscious never adopted them as its own and, as a result, he sometimes struggles to follow them.

Dexter does not understand religion. The only higher power he knew was his adoptive father, who also created the code. He has difficulties in developing real relationships of any nature with those around him but has gotten very good at faking them.

Dexter’s Ego

Instead of balancing out the 2 other dimensions, Dexter uses his ego to hide them from society. He goes above and beyond to hide his true self. He fights the recurrent feeling of emptiness that can only be relieved by killing.

How Dexter Morgan Came to Be a Psychopath

There are a few theories about how Dexter became what he is, but they all rely on the emotional and psychological trauma he suffered as a child.

Dexter saw his mother brutally murdered when he was only 6 years old and sat in a shipping container in a pool of her (and others’) blood for 2 days. This affected his emotional development and understanding of social norms, which he has difficulties adapting to.

Dexter understands he is a disturbed individual. But even though admitting the problem is often times the first step to resolving it, psychopathy has no cure (yet). There are no pills, vaccines, or therapies that erase traumatizing memories from our subconscious, induce empathy, or warm up a murderer’s blood.

But Dexter lacked a mother figure during his most important years, even before she was murdered. He was deprived of the warmth, closeness, and affection only a mother-son relationship would provide. Even though loving, his mother was not as present in his life as she should have been – and neither was his father. They were both addicted to drugs and involved themselves with dangerous figures, which ultimately lead to their demise. Even though a loving, caring family took him in at the age of 6, the damage was already done.

“I was there. I saw my mother’s death. A buried memory, forgotten all these years. They climbed inside me that day. And it’s been with me ever since. My dark passenger.” – Dexter Season 1 Episode 11 “Truth Be Told”

Moreover, his need for power and control were overindulged in a try to create a warm environment for the troubled child. But this only increased the distance between Dexter and humanity, between an impressionable child and his remorse and guilt.

Dexter Morgan & His Dark Passenger

Most of the time, Dexter Morgan is able to suppress his passenger. But it still needs to be let out from time to time, and when it does, Dexter refers to the process as the Dark Passenger “taking over”. He already knows that it will get out one way or the other, so he doesn’t try to fight it. In fact, Dexter finds comfort and acceptance in his Dark Passenger, the only entity that accepts him for who he is.

“I love Halloween. The one time of year when everyone wears a mask… not just me. People think it’s fun to pretend you’re a monster. Me, I spend my life pretending I’m not. Brother, friend, boyfriend – all part of my costume collection. Some people might call me a fraud. Let’s see if it will fit. I prefer to think of myself as a master of disguise.” – Dexter Season 1, Episode 4

Dexter manages to separate and balance out his natural self and the façade brilliantly. He is seen as a loving son, brother and as a reliable and helpful coworker.

The Code of Harry

Harry was more than just Dexter’s adoptive father. Together with Aaron and Deb, he was his family in the most real sense of the word.

“If I were capable of love, how I would have loved Harry.”

Since they could not stop Dexter’s urge to take life away, Harry decided to channel it. Therefore, Harry developed a code together with his therapist in which he confided about Dexter’s condition. As his father put it, the code focuses on survival and doing as little wrong to the world as possible. Dexter needs to be sure he kills the right person and to have proof for his deeds. But above all, he needs to never, ever risk having collateral victims.

Even though frustrating and rage-inducing at times, Dexter abides by the Code of Harry. However, he does take advantage of technicalities to satisfy his dark passenger at times, racing with the police and even hiding evidence in order to punish criminals himself even with his friends’ and coworker’s career on the line.

“Without the Code of Harry, I’m sure I would have committed a senseless murder in my youth. Just to watch the blood flow.” – Dexter Season 1 Episode 3, “Popping Cherry”

The Morality of Dexter

Yes, Dexter Morgan is brutal, ruthless, and cruel. Ever since Harry Morgan took him in, Dexter made efforts to comply with social norms. Even though he pretended for decades, he makes efforts to preserve appearances every day. None of the behaviors he adopted for so many years got under his skin, none of them come naturally even after all this time.

But this doesn’t mean Dexter Morgan is stone-hearted or completely devoid of feelings. After all, he does feel anger, hate, and affection and admits that he needs the people in his life. He realizes how scared he is of losing his family. 

Even though supposedly rudimentary, some of these feelings scare and intimidate Dexter Morgan because he doesn’t know how to handle them.

[edendaphne]

As promised, some angst starring Chat!Felix and Marinette (using some of the earlier concept art/designs)

Note: I'd been working on this oneshot and illustrations since before the most recent season 3 spoilers were released (the ones with episode titles and synopses) so everything in here is strictly an AU.

You can also read it here on Ao3

"I’m in love with you, Felix."

Felix stared at Marinette for a few seconds, then scoffed. He didn't have time for this today; he was planning his own love confession to Ladybug tonight and he didn’t appreciate any unnecessary distractions. Marinette’s abrupt declaration of love was merely one of numerous others he had received; call it another curse he was inflicted with, although this one wasn’t of magical origin like his ring.

"You don’t love me, Marinette," he snorted. "You love what I represent. Fame, money, fashion. You think you can get a taste of those things through me.” Looking away, he added, “Just like all the others."

Marinette faltered, "Th-that’s not true! I like you for you, not just because you’re an Agreste!"

"Is that so?" He replied sarcastically. "How could you? You don’t even know me,” he spat, words dripping with unveiled disdain.

Gathering as much determination she could, Marinette argued, "But I do! I’ve noticed things that you try to hide from others. You’re always very reserved and serious on the outside, but I know that inside you’re actually a very warm and loving person." She added a bit more quietly, "I know that you act a certain way because you’re afraid of being vulnerable, of letting people in and getting hurt, just like you’ve been hurt in the past."

Felix glared down at her from his height. "So you’ve been studying me? I don’t appreciate being psychoanalyzed, Marinette."

"No, that isn’t—! I didn’t—!" she stuttered, panicking on the inside, desperately fighting the urge to run away or hide, anything to escape from his judgmental gaze. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry or upset you! I just want to understand you and figure out—"

"Figure out what?” He interrupted. “How to impress me? How to talk or what to wear to make me notice you? Have you ever taken the time to actually get to know me?"

Marinette recoiled and curled in on herself, the sting of his words chipping away at her heart. "That isn’t it! You say I don’t know you at all, but you never accept my invitations to go on activities or dates! How can I get to know you better if you won’t give me a chance?"

"Maybe I don’t want to give you a chance. Have you ever considered that maybe I just want to be left alone?" He crossed his arms and said with finality, "Stop hounding me, Marinette. I can’t stand groupies."

Marinette gasped in disbelief. Bristling at being called a groupie, her stomach churned unpleasantly, suddenly feeling the need to throw up. With her voice as even as she could muster, she uttered quietly, almost whispering, “R-right. As you wish. I won’t bother you anymore, I promise.” She turned away from him, hoping she could force one foot in front of the other despite the sudden feeling of lightheadedness. “Take care of yourself, Felix. Goodbye.”

Felix sighed heavily in frustration as she walked away.  He could have sworn he heard sniffling, but it must’ve just been his imagination.

Hours later after dark, Felix ran across the rooftops as Chat Noir, getting some light exercise before his patrol with Ladybug and, if he were to be completely honest with himself, to get away from his stuffy mansion. He paused on top of the bakery by the school, enjoying the delightful smells of foods he didn't allow himself to partake in, when he heard Marinette tearfully talking on the phone. That was odd. Why would she be crying at this hour?

“No… I’m not okay, but I will be eventually. It'll just take time.” She sighed. “A lot of time." She paused, listening to the other side. "No… no, please don’t confront him. He made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with me and I’m going to respect that."

Chat Noir became rooted to the spot. She was talking about Felix, about him, and the confession from earlier.

Marinette sighed and resumed tearfully, "Maybe he’s right. Maybe I really don't know him at all. Maybe I’ve just deluded myself all this time because I thought I understood him a little. Oh, how could I have messed this up so badly? I should never have confessed! …At least I know what he really thinks of me now. I’ve never seen him look at me that way, like I was the scum of the earth, like-" she choked down a sob. "Like I was lower than dirt! Like he hated me!"

Chat’s heart dropped and he felt like he’d been dropped into a tub of ice water. Had his words really affected her that much? He didn’t actually hate Marinette. She was a genuinely nice person, always helpful and cheerful, if a bit scatterbrained and lacking in punctuality. Still, the guilt settled uncomfortably in his gut and he felt slightly dizzy, his hands clammy underneath the suit. Part of him wanted to leave so he wouldn’t have to endure hearing the rest of this conversation, but another part deep within knew he deserved the torture of hearing how much he'd hurt her.

There was another pause as Marinette continued to sob. "No… I'm giving up on him. Maybe even giving up on love altogether. This kind of pain isn't worth it." She went quiet for a few moments, then replied, "Yeah, you're right. Thanks for checking up on me, Alya. You're the best… Yeah, I'll keep in touch… Sure... Love you too. Bye."

Flabbergasted, Chat Noir still couldn’t force himself to leave the balcony. Overhearing (okay, eavesdropping) this discussion had shaken him to his core. Marinette had been honest with him earlier. Her confession was authentic and heartfelt. And not only did she care about him, but she’d also been able to see past his aloof and unfriendly demeanor that he’d used as a shield from the world ever since he was a child. For as long as he could remember, he’d given up on trying to be understood, and Marinette was the only one that had ever even attempted to do so.

Choking back a hard, uncomfortable lump in his throat, he shook his head and stood up. He needed to calm his nerves before his meeting with Ladybug, so he attempted to convince himself that his actions were entirely justified. He couldn’t help the way he felt. He didn’t like Marinette the way she apparently felt for him. Maybe he could have been more kind in his rejection but that wasn’t who he was. Felix wasn’t a nice person like her. And Marinette was resilient. She’d get over it. She’d forget him. And eventually she’d find herself a person who was her type and would suit her better. It was never meant to be.

He ignored the large, empty pit in his stomach and with these thoughts in mind, he sprinted away into the night, blending in with the darkness where he belonged. 

“I’m in love with you, Ladybug.”

Ladybug widened her eyes incredulously, staring first at Chat Noir, then at the ruby red rose he was holding. She felt prickles at the back of her neck, dreading a conversation she’d hoped she would never have to have again, much less within the same day.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and suppressed a groan. Chat Noir theatrically professed his so-called affections for her just about every other week, and this time was no different. She simply wasn’t up for any teasing this night.

“Chat, can we stop with the shenanigans today? I’m really not in the mood. In fact, I almost called off tonight’s patrol.” At his questioning look, she elaborated, “Earlier today I got rejected by the guy I like and he… he didn't let me down gently." She turned away, trying desperately to even her breathing and blink away tears lest she open the floodgates again.

Chat took a step forward and took her hand, stating dramatically, “Who could have possibly been so cruel to you, My Queen? Surely they must be blind or idiotic to reject an extraordinary creature such as yourself.”

She scoffed through her nose. “He certainly didn’t seem to think I’m so extraordinary.”

Chat’s mouth widened into his trademark Cheshire grin and he replied with a flourish, “It’s a good thing I’m here then, for I’ll sing your praises far and wide all over France, letting everyone know of my adoration for you.”

Ladybug huffed incredulously, taking her hand away, her voice trembling as she snapped at him, “Chat, don’t. Don’t do this to me. Not today. Not after what happened to me earlier. Can’t you be more sensitive to my feelings and stop being so damn pushy?” After a long pause she took a deep breath and continued, “You don't love me, Chat. You… ‘you love what I represent.’”

Chat’s eyes grew wide as saucers, feeling a strong sense of déjà vu that was too close to be mere coincidence.

This can’t be… No, it couldn’t be, it just couldn’t. There’s no way fate would be this cruel.

Pushing the intruding thought aside, he argued, “But Ladybug, I do love you! I’ve loved you from the moment we met!”

Ladybug let out a small scoff. “Chat. We both know that’s a lie.” A few moments passed and she stated bluntly, “I know about your curse.”

Chat’s mouth dropped open slightly upon hearing her revelation, feeling something akin to whiplash. She knows, he thought. But how?

“You just want to use me. You always have.” Ladybug declared hotly. “Well, I'm not going to fall for it! They’re lies, all of it! Never in our entire partnership have you been honest with me.” She looked up at him and the tears finally started flowing. “You couldn’t care less about me,” she seethed.

This conversation was quickly spiraling out of his control. Desperately, Chat argued, “You know that’s not true! I do care about you!”

“Oh, please,” she dismissed him bitterly as the tears fell. “You only care about yourself. All you’ve ever wanted from me was a kiss to break the curse from your miraculous, and then you’d toss me away when you didn’t need me anymore. If you had just asked me then I’d understand, but you couldn’t even be forthright with me about it... After all we’ve been through together, don’t you think I deserve at least that?”  She squeezed her eyes shut, body shaking.

Chat felt his insides crumple and it was like his body was free falling. Despite Ladybug being correct in her assumption that he didn’t start their partnership with the purest intentions, he had sincerely grown to fall deeply, irrevocably in love with her.  Did she really, earnestly think he didn’t care about her at all after all this time?

“Ladybug, you have to believe me, that’s not how it is!” he insisted. “You’re the love of my life! You’re everything I could ever need!” Ladybug countered sharply, “But what about me, Chat? How about what I need?”

Chat replied quickly, “I’d give you anything you could ever possibly want! Anything you wish for would be yours.”

Feebly, she replied, “I don’t even know what I want anymore.” She muttered, aside, “Maybe Felix was right. Maybe none of us truly know each other.”

Chat Noir paled. This couldn’t be happening. All this time, right in front of him. The compassionate, thoughtful, ingenious, most important person in his life. And he’d been too blind, his soul too bitter to notice her. Thinking of it now, there was no real difference between the way the two of them acted, save a bit more confidence and outspokenness as Ladybug. The same couldn’t be said about him though. His outgoing and theatrical Chat Noir persona was the complete opposite of everything Felix was behind the mask. There was no way she could have guessed that they were one and the same. He, however, had no excuse. It should have been obvious. But Ladybug was right. He was selfish. And he’d been dishonest.  Not only that, but his heartless, cruel treatment of Marinette had ruined any possible chances he may have had with her. She truly was extraordinary and he was just…

I’m an asshole, he realized.

The pain etched on her face, the red and puffy eyes that were visible despite her wearing a mask, none of it belonged there. She deserved nothing but happiness but she was the one suffering. Because of him. 

He inhaled sharply as a flood of memories flashed through his mind of all the times when harsh words were directed at him, memories of his younger self hiding inside a closet, sobbing, desperately wishing for even the smallest amount of love and warmth. Until eventually, years later after countless heartbreaks and disappointments, he’d finally adapted and became numb to it. And while this defense mechanism helped him to protect his own heart, it had also rendered him uncaring and indifferent towards others. It was only recently, due to Ladybug’s kindness and influence, that Felix was slowly beginning to learn how to feel again (although admittedly he was still pretty lousy at it, as his current situation could attest to).

Ladybug sniffled and suddenly paused, as if a thought had just occurred to her. She steeled herself, resolve filled her face and she took a few rapid steps forward Chat Noir until their bodies were almost touching. She placed a hand on his chest and looked up at him, and yet her eyes looked hollow and dispirited. Her other hand moved to gently cup his jaw, then she closed her eyes and closed the remaining distance between them.

As she leaned in, Chat panicked. "W-what are you doing?!" 

"Giving you what you want," she said and puckered her lips.

He pulled his head back and she opened her eyes, revealing a now agitated look. Chat took a few steps backwards hoping to get some distance between them but she followed, never letting go of him, until he backed up against a wall and had nowhere left to go. She pinned him against it roughly, using both hands, holding him still enough for her to kiss.

“L-Ladybug, wait!” he stammered. “Don’t do this! You can’t!”

Exasperated, she cried, “Don’t you want to be free from the burden of being Chat Noir? You’d never have to see me again. That’s what you want, isn’t it? Your freedom?” she spat. “One kiss and you could get rid of all this, and we can stop this game. You don’t love me and maybe I’ll never be loved like I want to be, but I can free you from this curse. And from me.”

At that instant he did something he never believed he would ever do: he pushed her away. He couldn’t accept her kiss. Not like this. This wasn’t like her. She was hurting and lashing out and asking for help all at once. This wasn’t how he wanted to end his time as Chat Noir. It couldn’t end like this.

“Ladybug, listen to me!” he pleaded, holding her firmly by her upper arms. “I don’t want this and I know you don’t want this! I can’t let you do it! You mean so much more to me than this!”

She squirmed in his grip.  “I don’t believe you!!”  she shouted, barely able to see him through her watery eyes. 

Not letting go, Chat replied quietly, “I don’t blame you. I really don’t. I haven’t been a good partner to you; I’ve been deceitful and crass, and I’m sure someone else could do a better job at being Chat Noir. It may not come as a surprise to you that I’m not a good person in real life. In fact, I’m pretty damn horrible.” He gave a humorless chuckle.

Ladybug ceased her struggling and looked up at him in confusion.

Chat continued, “But I believe that we’re together for a reason and I don’t want to give up. I’d like to stay with you and continue to fight alongside you. I want to protect you, to destroy anything that would dare try to hurt you… But if that someone is me, then…” He tightly squeezed his eyes shut. “If you really don’t want me here then I can leave. I can leave you alone and I promise I wouldn’t bother you anymore.” He looked at her pleadingly, eyes glistening. “But if you would have me, if you would tolerate me, then I would stay with you forever. I promise.”

Through his hastened speech, Ladybug stared at him, wide eyed and full of disbelief, but as he reached the end, she broke.

Gasping and staring, a horrified Ladybug cried remorsefully, “Chat… Oh, Chat, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” She sobbed openly, not even attempting to suppress it. Chat gingerly pulled her close, gathering her into his arms. She trembled and heavy sobs violently racked her small body. He held her, soothed her, whispered to her, stroking the back of her head gently, careful so that his claws wouldn’t snag on her soft, raven hair. They stayed that way for a long time, clinging to each other like a lifeline.

An hour later, Ladybug and Chat Noir sat on the roof side-by-side, legs and hips touching. Chat's arm draped loosely around her shoulders and his thumb stroked against her upper arm, while Ladybug rested her head on his chest seeking comfort. The two sat in companionable silence; Ladybug’s crying had finally stopped and she was exhausted. Her breathing had slowed considerably and Chat wondered if she’d fallen asleep. He wished vehemently that they could stay like this forever, but they had school the next day and Felix had a very long apology to prepare, so it was time to part ways.

Chat gently nudged Ladybug’s shoulder and she stirred slightly. “Are you awake, Choupinette?”

“Hmmm…” she sighed airily and nuzzled into him. “Barely.”

He chuckled lightly and gave her a small squeeze. “I deeply regret having to disturb you, but alas, the time has come for us to say our farewells for the night.”

Ladybug harrumphed and tightly wrapped her arms around his waist in mock indignation, which caused him to laugh.

He booped her nose playfully. “You are simply too cute, Ma Choupinette. But we absolutely cannot allow such rebellion from you. You are going home even if I have to transport you there myself.” With this said, he abruptly jumped up, carrying her in his arms bridal style, the sudden movement causing her to throw her arms tightly around his neck and squeal in surprise. He followed up by vigorously tickling her ribs with the hand that held her torso.

She squirmed in his hold and laughed freely. “Alright, alright, you win, I’ll go home! Now let me down, you doof!”

Chuckling, Chat set her back down on the ground, yet his hands remained on her waist, not quite ready to fully let her go. Similarly, she had released her hold around his neck but her hands had slid down onto his chest. He could feel the hair on his arms stand up and his face heat up, along with the butterflies fluttering wildly in his chest, and he was grateful that his suit covered most of his body so she wouldn’t be able to see it.

Her expression sobered and she said with difficulty, “By the way… I’m sorry I tried to kiss you. And I’m sorry I said all those awful things to you.”

Chat stroked her cheek and spoke to her softly, “You don’t have to say sorry. Not to me. I know you were feeling devastated by what happened to you earlier. I should have been more considerate to your feelings, acted more tactful.” He frowned and he spat bitterly, “That other guy… he’s a fool. He doesn’t deserve you. He will never deserve you,” he said emphatically. “You’re too good for him, too pure and sweet and kind. There is no excuse for the way he treated you and he doesn’t deserve your attention, nor does he deserve your forgiveness.”

Ladybug looked away from him and shrugged. “He really isn’t a bad person. Honestly, I can’t even be mad at him. He had every right to not return my feelings and reject me, even if he didn’t go about it the right way. Now I’m just dreading how horribly awkward things are going to be at school.”

Chat’s eyebrows rose in shock and his throat felt dry. How could she possibly be defending Felix even now? Was it because she was in love with him and she was seeing him through rose colored lenses, or would she have been just as kind to anyone else? Knowing her though, he suspected it was the latter.

Hesitating, he gulped but finally asked, “Are… are you going to speak with him about it?”

She exhaled and she shook her head. “He seems to really dislike me,” she replied. “I won’t be talking to him unless I really have to, like if we have a school assignment together.”

Chat frowned at this. Had he really cost himself the friendship he hadn’t realized they’d had?

“I’m sorry,” he replied remorsefully. “I wish I could make it up to you.”

She smiled weakly, yet it was the most melancholy smile he’d ever seen on her beautiful face. He never wanted to see her look that way again. He felt the protectiveness that he only ever felt around her overwhelm him, promptly followed by the crushing reminder that it was he who had caused her such pain.

She patted his arm. “Don’t be sorry, Mon Foufou. It’s not your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

Chat’s blood ran cold, the anxiety and self loathing he always carried within himself swelling exponentially every time he replayed that conversation in his head. He could never deserve her; not ever would he be worthy of her love. But... despite that, he still desperately longed for a chance. An opportunity to pursue her, to court her properly, to treat her like the Queen she was. Just one more chance to redeem himself, as much would be possible for a wretched person such as he, anyway. And maybe, just maybe, eventually she might forgive him. It was worth a try. She was worth the effort.

“For what it’s worth,” he spoke quietly, “I really did mean it. When I confessed.” He rubbed the back of his neck and felt his face redden. “I didn’t exactly say it the way I should have. I’m terrible at this sort of thing. Sharing my feelings and being sensitive to others. I’d like to try again sometime, and this time I’d like to do it right.” He wrung his hands together nervously. “You don’t have to say anything, I just…” he looked straight at her and said earnestly, “I just wanted you to know.”

Ladybug beamed at him, then nervously reached back to grab at one of her ponytails, developing a lovely blush that made her little freckles stand out. “Hmm… I wonder if that’s actually true. But in any case, thank you, Chat. Really.” She turned her body slightly, then added, “M-maybe someday, if you actually feel that way, and if you can prove it… Maybe we can--” she hesitated for a few moments, and continued, “Well… I won’t get ahead of myself. I don’t want to set myself up for any more disappointments. And I wouldn’t want to string you along, either; I’ll need time to get over my crush… a lot of time.”   Chat felt his limbs stiffen at hearing those words again, the words Marinette had uttered back on her balcony.  “I really did like him a whole lot.” She looked back at him and quirked her usual sweet smile. “But if you’re willing, then… I guess we can wait and see what happens.”

Chat Noir reached forward to take her hand, then lightly kissed her knuckles. “I’ll wait as long as it takes, My Queen. Anything for you.”

Big thanks to @imthepunchlord for letting me borrow Chat's nickname, "My Queen" 

Mega super gigantic shout-outs to my amazing fabulous betas, @kryallaorchid  and @chocoluckchipz who helped me with everything from brainstorming and editing to coming up with a title and summary (because I'm a hopeless hot mess) XD

[back-and-totheleft]

Nixon at 25

Oliver Stone’s Nixon, the oft-controversial director’s look at the life of the 37th president of the United States, his rise and his downfall, came out a little more than 20 years after Nixon’s resignation from office (and less than two years after his death.) More time passed since the movie than the amount of time between its events and the movie, and it’s the equivalent of a movie being made today about the Clinton impeachment, or the Bush/Gore election.

Many reviewers compared it to Shakespeare’s plays about medieval kings, the difference, of course, being that only a couple of decades had passed since Nixon’s time. There were comparisons to Citizen Kane as well.

The film, at 192 minutes, was one of several in the fall and winter of 1995 that went well past the three-hour mark, and while it wasn’t nearly as exciting as Michael Mann’s Heat, which arrived the week before, Nixon had a lot to offer for political junkies, as well as those who remember that era well- especially those who despise Nixon.

In usual Stone fashion, the film included an attempt to psychoanalyze Nixon, albeit not in a way that differed particularly from the conventional wisdom about the man. He came from relatively humble and often tragic beginnings, and had a seething resentment of the Kennedys and others from a more elite background than himself. Nixon would use that resentment as a sort of oxygen for his political career, which helped him get elected president in 1968 by harnessing the “silent majority” of the cultural backlash against hippies and protesters. It’s a playbook that’s been executed various times in the years since, most recently by Donald Trump.

Stone’s film follows the ups and downs of Nixon’s political career, including his loss to Kennedy in 1960, his failed run for governor of California two years later, and his ultimate comeback in getting elected president. There’s also many depictions of Watergate, including Nixon committed the crimes that nearly got him impeached before his resignation. The film also depicts Nixon as a surly drunk, who had a terrible relationship with his long-suffering wife Pat (Joan Allen.)

Part of the fun of Nixon was the casting of great actors in all of the roles of major Nixon Administration and Watergate figures. There was James Woods, bringing the sleaze (and the anti-Semitism) to the role of H.R. Haldeman, J.T. Walsh as John Ehrlichman, Powers Boothe as Alexander Haig, Paul Sorvino as Henry Kissinger, Ed Harris as Howard Hunt, Bob Hoskins as J. Edgar Hoover, and a dozen more. Dan Hedaya- who would play Nixon himself four years later in Dick – played a character based on Nixon’s friend Bebe Rebozo. Larry Hagman even popped up in a memorable scene as a Texan power broker meant as a stand-in for the John Birch Society.

It was Anthony Hopkins, just a few years off his Oscar win for The Silence of the Lambs, who played Nixon himself. And perhaps the most controversial decision at the time was to have Hopkins portray Nixon without any facial prosthetics, and not particularly making much of an attempt to look or really sound anything like Nixon. This never particularly bothered me, although I wasn’t born until four years after Nixon left office. Hopkins, now in his 80s, is still at it, nominated for an Oscar last year for The Two Popes and looking at another one this year for his fine work in The Father.

While the film isn’t nearly as untethered from reality as Stone’s J.F.K. was, there’s a lot in Nixon that’s a bit historically creative. Nixon, for instance, probably didn’t really speak to presidential portraits at night, and there’s no indication he really did say to the Kennedy portrait, “when they look at you, they see what they want to be; when they look at me, they see what they are.”

There’s the implication that Nixon had approved anti-Castro operations as vice president that led to the Kennedy Assassination, in one of the film’s more far-fetched conceits, and there’s also discussion of a concept of CIA/government malfeasance that Nixon calls “The Beast,” which sounds a lot like the Trump-era concept of “The Deep State.” The extent of Nixon’s alcoholism, meanwhile, has been debated by historians.

The Richard Nixon Library put out a statement at the time denouncing the film, although I’m not sure I’d want to see a Nixon movie that the Nixon library would approve of.

No, it’s not the best film about Nixon or Watergate. That honor goes to All the President’s Men, a film in which Nixon didn’t actually appear as a character. There’s also the wonderful satire, Dick, from 1999, and Secret Honor, The Post, Frost/Nixon, and even various documentaries. Rick Perlstein’s book Nixonland, from 2008, remains popular culture’s most incisive examination of the Nixon era, but it wasn’t particularly about Nixon himself and wasn’t exactly the sort of thing that could easily adapt to the screen.

Will we get this type of movie examination of the Trump era? That feels inevitable, and it’s already started to happen, with the Showtime miniseries The Comey Rule. I’m sure we’ll one day get something like Nixon, a more than a three-hour examination of Donald Trump’s life and presidency, with Great American Actors in all the main roles.

However, it probably won’t come from Oliver Stone. The director is now far from his peak, and no longer making films that take over the cultural conversation. His film about George W. Bush, W, added nothing to the popular understanding of that president, and his 2016 Edward Snowden biopic was redundant, coming just a couple of years after the same story was told in the documentary Citizenfour (Snowden did become an unlikely Netflix hit this year, however.) Stone has also made embarrassingly fawning documentaries about the likes of Fidel Castro and Vladimir Putin, and while his Wall Street sequel a decade ago, Money Never Sleeps, was entertaining, it didn’t really need to be made.

Nixon isn’t quite at the level of JFK, or some of the other films in Stone’s golden era in the ’80s and early ’90s. It is, though, a fine but flawed portrayal of a very flawed man.

-Stephen Silver, “Revisiting Nixon,” Tilt magazine, Dec 22 2020 [x]

[bclthczcros]

veritas as h*mestuck titles part 2

preface: one: h*mestuck is complex and full of lore but finding a title is a very effective character development exercise and i love doing it. two: i’m psychoanalyzing your characters, which means i’m probably wrong. three: interpretations of titles vary widely, and my main source was dahni. if you’re curious about other interpretations of a title, google the title + homestuck and you’ll find t o n s.  

including the following muses: @eyes-on-me-please, @divineangcl, @camcronturner, @ofrutherford, @the-great-and-wonderful-oz, @parkcrss, @rosaliamorais, @thcyer, @rowe-v-theworld, 

alice is the rogue of heart. rogues have trouble coping with their aspect or their supposed lack of it, causing them to give it up too easily. heart can represent love, passion, individuality, identity, and soul. rogues of heart tend to feel insecure or embarrassed about their own quirks or passions; their natural selves just don’t cut it. therefore they tend to hide behind an assumed self. it just so happens alice found an ideal self in daisey. however, these assumed identities tend to be quite shallow. additionally, because of this inherent insecurity in their identities, they tend to seek attention and validation wherever they can get it. combined with the want to take on multiple selves, acting is a perfectly logical choice for the rogue of heart. however, despite the fact that rogues of heart tend to like to hide under these assumed selves, they are not at their most powerful and capable until they are able to embrace their true passions and identities. ever since she’s gotten out of daisey’s orbit, it seems that alice is on this route, making amends for her past misdeeds. 

angel is the witch of breath. witches manipulate their aspect, and are known to break and change the rules of their aspect in doing so. breath represents freedom, movement, and confidence. witches of breath are the queens of confidence; they want to have fun, be free, and be in control of whatever they do. and if they decide you’re coming along for the ride, they’ll sweep you up into it whether you like it or not. beware, though; they are easily bored, as is typical of breath players, and will just as soon change course as drop you. and within this lays a possible dark side, to drag people into her little tornado only to plop them elsewhere when she’s done with them, confused and lost. or worse, shred you up in her path. she likes people, because people aren’t boring, but she has to learn to respect the wishes of others; not everyone needs to be freed. 

cam is the page of hope. pages begin with a deficit in their aspect, which they compensate for with overconfidence. hope represents faith, motivation, goals, positive emotion, willpower, and possibility. the page of hope, at the beginning, is easily the most naive class; the gullibility of the page combined with the blind optimism that represents unhealthy hope. pages of hope cling to the concept that everything will be okay, everything will work out, because they have to, right? they also tend to act optimistic and positive to everyone, even when they don’t feel optimistic themselves. they have difficulty figuring out what is authentic, what is legit, but with experience, this will improve. also, the page is the sister class of the knight, so i thought that was cute when compared to cass's title.

danny is the bard of life. bards corrupt and distort their aspect, and use it to wreck havoc and destruction. life represents healing, energy, growth, rebellion, and recklessness. i’m gonna be completely honest, i’m playing pretty fast and loose with this title. danny is easily the most chaotic character in veritas, so the combination of the chaotic, devil-may-care bard and the aspect that represents chaos seems to fit him perfectly. a bard of life is an optimist, who destroys optimism in others, one who perhaps doesn’t quite know how to grow or change as they ghost their opposite aspect, doom. also, one of the literal definitions of bard is to destroy with their aspect, and life is, well, life. and what part of danny gives life? thats right; danny’s dick ruins everything. 

oz is the mage of mind. mages have a powerful and innate knowledge of their aspect, but that knowledge tends to torture them more than anything. mind represents reason, logic, apathy, conformity, and justice. mind is often associated with justice without mercy, and if that’s the case, it would be oz’s father’s most compatible aspect. oz knows mind well, and he has suffered thanks to it. additionally, a mage of mind will feel incredible pressure to conform (to the point of creating a separate persona just to fit in) and to be rational and logical at all times. it’s likely every decision they make has to be scrutinized, by outside forces and, eventually, by themselves. as you can imagine, this creates quite the perfectionist, and oz is nothing if not a perfectionist. as is the journey of every mage, they must eventually learn to accept their aspects not as a burden, but as a strength. 

parker is the maid of heart. maids originally rely on others to supply their aspect, but eventually grow to find it in themselves. heart can represent love, passion, individuality, identity, and soul. a maid of heart tends to rely on others to tell them what to feel, think, or be, and they very much tend to be people pleasers. the challenge of the maid of heart is to learn to define themselves by who they decide they are. this usually starts with things they are genuinely passionate about, the few things there are at first, and then they can build their identities from there. having a solid opinion on one thing is a gateway to having a solid opinion on... multiple things. 

rosa is the sylph of rage. sylphs use their aspect to heal others, and only others, to the point of meddling with them regarding their aspect. rage is the aspect of fear, doubt, skepticism, passion, rejection, and/or despair. there are two archetypes of the sylph of rage; the drill sergeant, or the fussing mother. i think it’s safe to say rosa falls into the latter; rosa knows how she wants everyone to behave, and she has no qualms about point it out. sylphs love to discuss their aspects, and rosa’s favorite topic of discussion is her own doubt and skepticism about the pre-existing system. it’s actually kinda hard to get her to shut up, as is typical for sylphs. she can pinpoint every flaw in the system, and is constantly keeping an eye on those in power. and there is, of course, the healing part; rosa endeavors to solve all of the problems she points out. how effective she is in that mission, at least based on her title, is up for debate. 

sam is the heir of breath. heirs passively change, move around, or alter their aspect, and over time begin to completely embody it.  breath represents freedom, movement, and confidence. the embodiment of movement and freedom seems to be perfect for the tourist, but the heir of breath also encapsulates sam’s seemingly contradictory easygoing nature and stubbornness. the heir of breath chooses their own direction, and much like the wind, will not let anybody stop them. similarly, they unconsciously gravitate away from things that will tie them down (sorry dee :////) and they can have trouble keeping promises or remembering commitments. the challenge for the heir of breath is to avoid detaching themselves entirely from the people around them; if they’re not careful, they can float away, up into the sky, never to be seen again. 

sutton is the seer of space. seers are able to understand their aspects, and share that knowledge with others through symbolic manifestations. space represents creation, beginnings, the physical properties of objects, and, of course, space. firstly, the aspect of space is the most creative of them, and most space players are artistically inclined. seers of space also tend to focus on the here and now rather than the past or future; they can only truly understand what is happening in the moment. seers prefer to observe rather than to act, but they can pick up a whole lot of information from those observations. they are incredibly intuitive, but given their precise, perfectionist nature, they’re liable to doubt their own intuitions. additionally, they tend to focus in on the details of what’s occurring that the big picture might bypass them entirely. the challenge of the seer is not just to see, but to act on that knowledge. 

[the-canary]

All The Stars Aligned - S.R

Summary: A person really isn’t what you make of them in your head. They are something much greater than that. (College AU!Reader/Steve Rogers)

Masterlist

A/N: I saw @eufeme‘s little prompt thing and i came up with this short thing. as always recently, mood music is brought to you by st. vincent with all my stars aligned. please also note that i am writing under the assumption that the main character goes through some major changes through the college years.

Please enjoy and feedback is always welcomed.

You first remember meeting, well more like seeing, Steve Rogers during freshman orientation. He was a skinny thing that wore clothes two sizes too big for him, and hung near the end of the group, which you were also doing but for different reasons. The guide was talking and showing you everything that you would be using for the next four years, though you weren’t paying much attention obviously more entranced by the clouds up above. It isn’t until the group starts going up a hill that you hear a deep heaving, though nobody seems to be paying attention. You stop and and head back to where he is, as he is taking in deep gulps of air, while holding onto his knees with his head in between them.

“Hey, maybe you should sit down,” you try to give some assistance, as blue eyes turn up to look at you, “Wouldn’t want anything to happen before school starts.”

He nods, as you point him to a bench at the beginning of the gentle slope before it turns into the hill that nearly killed the poor boy’s lungs, though you don’t say anything besides that. You know from personal experience that some people didn’t like to be babied and you try your hardest to respect that as he took his inhaler out of his pocket.  You wait for him to calm down, as you fiddle with your phone for a bit.

“Thanks,” is all he manages to say, as you look through your bag and hand him a bottle of water, “Ya didn’t have to.”

“Doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing do,” you shrug as blue eyes widen for a moment, though you aren’t paying attention at the moment as you are midway through another raid in your mobile game. Steve takes a big gulp of water and can’t help the large grin on his face.

“Where are ya from?” he manages to ask after a while, as your eyes flicker to see he has completely turned to look at you, “I’m commuting from Brooklyn.”

“Living on campus. Jersey girl, born and raised.”  

Steve lets out a nervous laugh, Bucky would surely have his head for this --  if he ever heard of it.

 You swear that you don’t mean to be that person in the English Department, the one student that all the professors talk about due to their differing opinions on what is being taught. It’s just that you have a different viewpoint when it comes to certain literature, and it always had to be with Dr. Phillips.  During freshman year, it had been on the meaning behind the blue topaz in your creative writing final. Last semester, it had been over the concept of “loneliness” in Carson McCullers's book, now you couldn’t help but groan as he declares that Daisy is a fool for not loving Jay Gatsby.

“Do you disagree, Miss?” the old professor questions, as some of the students turn to look at you.  Even Steve, who is sitting in the back doodling, since he is taking this course as more of a general education requisite more than anything else and while he did all the work nothing really interested him -- until you started talking.

“Well, yeah. I think they were more in love with the concept of the other than the actual person,” you start up, as some of your classmates can’t help but nod, “I mean, Gatsby didn’t know what Daisy wanted, but he wanted to live the type of life she had. He was in love with the lifestyle, and Daisy for all her fooling around never left that lifestyle when asked if she wanted to be with him --- she was never willing to leave for love. They were just using each other, no?”

There is a low murmuring of agreement between the people you know are English majors, as a new round of discussion starts around your ideas for the rest of class. The redhead next you whispers something, which causes you to laugh and from Steve’s vantage point, he can’t help but start drawing your profile.

And maybe, Steve is falling in love with the concept of you as well.  

However, thankfully, life isn’t an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel and Steve starts to see less and less of you as his prerequisites are completed and he completely focuses on his art degree. Steve never mourns you though, he doubts that you even remember him from the handful of occasions that you had interacted with each other, but he knows that you are there somewhere on campus drinking overpriced coffee and still fighting with the professors -- and he’s okay with that. He grows out of his small body (literally), moves closer to the university when Bucky transfers, and even tries dating an English medical student though it doesn’t work out. Life goes on until it hits you again.

In the first semester of junior year, Steve is going through an Egyptian art phase thanks to his tutelage underneath Dr. Erskine, an eccentric doctor that in his latter age traveled and painted. Due to this, a nameless woman that always ordered at the same diner as him catches his attention, well more like her back --uncovered due to the unbearable New York heat-- wouldn’t leave him alone, as he often found himself sketching it out when he was bored. He wanted to know the history around it, maybe he wanted to know more about her as well. However, even now standing at 6’ feet, he still feels like skinny Steve from two years.

After a month of watching her, Bucky does him the sore favor of pushing him into the poor woman waiting for her order, as they sit on the front countertop. Her eyes are covered with large sunglasses, as she gives him an annoyed grimace, at least from what he can see.            

“H-Hey! Is that the Eye of Horus on your back ?” Steve tries to nervously lead the conversation after giving a brief apology, and she entertains him for the moment.

“Yeah? ” she manages to answer, unsure of where this is all going and Steve swears that Bucky is laughing behind him.

“ Ah cool, but what do you need its protection from ?” he keeps questioning, as she moves away slightly. One hand on the back of her neck in embarrassment and the other on her bag of greasy fast food.

“ Everything, especially my social anxiety ,” she tries to laugh at her own expense, but it comes out strained, as Steve can now hear Bucky curse softly in the back. Both of them now feeling bad for bothering her.

“ Oh shit, I’m sorry, ” is all he can manage to say, as she starts backing away.

“ Hahaha, ‘kay, cool, no problemo ,” she turns away, trying to save face, and heads out the exit as Steve heaves out a weary sigh, feeling sorry that he had scared her away.

“Sorry, Stevie,” Bucky manages to say after putting his burger away,  knowing that he might have ruined his best friend’s chances in one blow.

“It’s okay, punk,” Steve says as he tries to best to smile.

However, some thing up above is kind to Steve Rogers as he starts to see the Eye of Horus girl everywhere: in the hallway, during school events, and now sitting in the coffee shop on a laptop sitting across Natasha Romanoff -- a redhead that double majored in Russian lit and art who Steve had interacted with a couple of times during those “Red Room” art classes that he would like to forget. However, aside from all that is really stuck in his head at the moment is going to apologize to her, though for a brief moment her laughing at something Natasha says makes him think of something else, of someone else and he hopes Sam’s psychoanalyzing has gotten to him again. Well, here he goes.

“Hey, Natasha,” he manages to say without a crack in his voice, as both women look at him, “I was wondering if you had the notes for Dr. Fury’s Cubism class.”

“Oh...yeah,” the redhead says with some suspicion in her voice, as Steve takes a sip of his over sweetened coffee, while she rummages through her bookbag. Eye of Horus girl looks up from her laptop once before going back to typing, “Here ya go, Steve. But, I don’t know--”

“ Steve Rogers ?” the woman suddenly squeaks out, which has both art students looking at the blushing mess she is turning into.  

“Yeah, why?” he manages to finally ask, as all of the familiarity from two years ago rushes forward. Those twinkling eyes are cautious and the once familiar uptick of a smile is set to a serious frown.  

“Oh shit,” she mutters quietly, as Natasha starts laughing before calming down and saying her name softly, as if trying to stop her from getting nervous all over again.

He knows that name, and his original concept of you is shattered.  

Steve learns quickly that the confident facade he had seen before hid a more cautious woman that tended to shy away from the limelight unless something really bothered you. You had gotten your tattoo back in sophomore year after a tough semester through one of Natasha’s friends, Clint, but it was her original design. You liked wearing charms for protection and played with the rings on your fingers whenever you can. Your smiles are rare, unless you’re with Natasha, but there’s the most beautiful things he’s seen — he swears it to Bucky over and over again the first time he makes you smile on his own.

“A green light?”  you ask looking at Steve’s finished picture for his next art show. You’re standing next to him as he smiles at the green mist that it the majority of the his painting, as you simply stare at it with your arms crossed over your chest and a frown, trying to figure what book its from -- since that was the theme of said gallery show.

“Just like Gatsby,” he laughs, as you finally put two and two together and groan.

“Are you trying to romanticize that awful novel?”

“More like warn them,” he shrugs as you start laughing. The sounds catches him off-guard, though he can’t help but grin at the smile blooming on your face.  

Over time, Steve falls in love with the person that he has come to known that you really are, though he still doesn’t forget the teenager with the kind heart that helped him almost four years ago. Blue eyes look at you from outside of the coffee shop window on a wintery December day shortly after the last finals for junior year have been completed. You play with the ring on your right index finger before turning the page of the book you have been reading. He smiles, as he opens the door and gets ready to pour his heart out and show off the latest thing he has been working on.

A concept drawing on someone you love.

And while, he isn’t in love with the idea of just “you” anymore, Steve knows that that he’s madly in love you as a person and all that you are, and he wants to keeps seeing you grow and change as long as you’ll let him.