#he's in fucking survival mode because people in his life have repeatedly shown they care the bare minimum about his well-being

[enchanted-day-dreams]

Just saw that poll about ST characters and spooning and the folks doing the polls were like 'Billy would hate affection, he'd sooner punch his partner than be cuddled' and 'He'd never get emotional in front of his partner unless he was in the middle of an uncontrollable breakdown'. Like, tell me you don't understand his character without telling me you don't understand his character.

His last scene with El clearly shows he's touch starved as hell and probably only gets affection from sexual encounters. He just isn't wanting a relationship with some random person who hasn't earned his trust enough for him to put his guard down. (My headcanon is that he tried a relationship at least once and let his guard down enough that he told his partner about his father's abuse, only for said partner to assume he deserved the abuse otherwise it wouldn't happen, and ever since then Billy has been even more guarded about who he trusts enough to get close to him.)

[nmnp-blog]

Anxiety

Writing about anxiety presents a Catch-22; I feel like I am in the position to give a firsthand description of what it's like to worry about a lot of things way too much, but actually writing about it fills me with worry that I'm not writing well, or that I am excluding the experience of others. 

My anxiety stems from childhood abuse and neglect​, as well as impostor syndrome and the general need to be the best always. I'm sure the latter is just as annoying to the people around me as it is to me, but it contributes to the standard indecisiveness that many people with anxiety face about quotidian life. This indecisiveness even impacted how long it took me to post this article. How much should I share? What angle should I take? Should I write a personal blog and a separate article about clinical anxiety? The questions are endless, and if I allowed myself to truly contemplate each as much as would make me feel comfortable, this might never be posted.

 Instead, I decided to remind myself that I have zero readers as of now, so what I say is to a pretty limited audience, and doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things. I do hope that if people randomly stumble across this, I might provide help or comfort.

 I have heard that a lot of people experience anxiety generally about things in life. I suffer from that a little, but my experience has been with either inexplicable anxiety attacks or very specific unwanted thoughts which stoke anxiety attacks. 

 As I mentioned, I grew up in a pretty bad, yet unfortunately common situation. My sister and I were raised by a single mother. Our father has never shown an interest in us, and no matter how much everyone nagged, the only true sentiments I got from him were that I was too expensive to allow him to have the life he wanted. He did not pay child-support. Anecdote: as an excuse for his holiday cost-cutting, told us that Santa only brings presents to one parent when parents are divorced. Unfortunately, there were a lot of people that endlessly encouraged us to reach out to him, despite his disinterest. I think the repeated rejections, and lack of understanding from others were certainly one of the first causes of my anxiety.

 I honestly have few memories of my childhood, and they say that is a common reaction to trauma. My mother was under an inordinate amount of stress trying to raise two kids with no financial help. She was also incapable of empathizing with me and my sister, and resorted to psychological abuse to control us. 

 The thing about children who are subjected to abuse and neglect is that many people assume that the children are exaggerating. Everyone assumes that humans innately care about their offspring. Add religion to the mix, and you have a recipe for disaster. Christian children are taught to "honor thy father and mother." Adults are convinced that children crave boundaries, that teenagers are hormonal, and that parents will be honest about the situation at home. This isn't always true. Also, mid-westerners are notoriously nosy, but also "don't want to pry."

 Growing up I knew I couldn't count on my dad, and my mother's mood were so erratic that I couldn't predict how she would respond to anything. Fortunately, I was born with a strong personality which helped me to stand up for myself and protect my sister as much as possible. I put myself in the position to take the brunt of the pain so my sister wouldn't have to. I remain fiercely protective of her which has caused some issues in adulthood that we are thankfully working through.

 I got myself through undergrad and law school by taking out massive loans that I can only hope to pay back. I am a lawyer now, and my boyfriend and I share an apartment that has a view of the tippy-top of the Manhattan skyline. I have made it to a place where my parents cannot hurt me anymore. However, they were responsible for helping me form a view of the world and how it works. They taught me that I was a burden, financially and emotionally. They taught me that I cannot trust others to react consistently to my feelings, so it is better to not talk about them. They also taught me to test people to gauge how they are feeling in general and about me. 

 My sister and I were also tools that both of our parents used to get what they wanted. We were tax-breaks, insurance discounts, maids, cooks, and emotional punching bags. We garnered them the sympathy and respect that parents automatically get. My dad LOVES the sympathy of others. He is always the victim, always abandoned by those he dutifully cared for like his three wives, two-step sons, and two biological daughters. He has no friends, except those on LinkedIn that make him feel important. My mom loves being a respected pillar in the community.

 As a burden, and alternatively as a tool, I learned that I am not a person. I do not have valid feelings. I do not know what is good or bad treatment. In fact, I am a bad thing. If I work hard, I can be a good thing, but I will never be a person that is naturally both good and bad. Obviously telling a person repeatedly that they are not a person causes some psychological distress. I remain indecisive, worrying that the wrong choice will get me in trouble. I still have a really hard time communicating what I am feeling, and I definitely still test my loved ones to make sure they plan on sticking around. 

 I am learning, however, that I am a person. I have agency, and I get to do, and not do, whatever I want (within certain legal and moral bounds, of course). As a thirty-something, this new revelation makes me wonder what it's like to be a person who has known this all along. Regardless of that jealous pondering, I am happy to share that I am working my way out of the cage my parents put me in. I sought out a therapist on Psychology Today's website, and have been meeting with her weekly for almost two years. The final anxiety attack resulted from trying to adopt a dog with my boyfriend. I love dogs. I have always wanted a dog. When I panicked for nearly 24 hours about adopting one, I realized that my anxiety was too big to handle on my own. Talking to someone regularly has definitely helped, but I realized that there was a clinic element to my anxiety so this year, I started taking a very low dosage daily anti-anxiety medication to combat the chemical side of things. The long-term stress and trauma I experienced in childhood has chemically and physiologically altered my brain to constant in fight-or-flight mode. Fortunately, talk therapy and medication can restructure my brain to relax and realize that the threat is gone.

 If you struggle with anxiety, I would really recommend the following:

1. Talk about it. The brain is fiercely protective of you, but it doesn't always know how to best deal with pain. It encourages many people to not seek treatment for problems. There were many times I thought I was done struggling with anxiety, so I put off fighting it for longer than I should have. Find someone you trust, and who is patient. Talk to them. If you can, talk to a psychologist or therapist. Explore what might be the root of the problem so you can weed it out. It is SUPER scary to be vulnerable, but a life of anxiety is truly hell.

2. Accept that what you are worried about is scary, but it's probably not what you think. My anxiety always brought up one concern: "Do I love my boyfriend?" I would freak the fuck out every time I thought it because I was terrified it meant I didn't. Fortunately, through therapy, I have learned that I am actually terrified of losing one of the first people who has made me feel safe to be whoever I want to be. That fear has made being vulnerable hard, but my boyfriend has been loving, patient, and encouraging as I work on my anxiety.

3. Remove toxic people from your life. There will be a ton of people who will tell you that it's cold to cut people out of your life. "But they're your parents!" "You might regret this when they're gone!" etc. If you have people around you that are abusive, you owe them nothing but goodbye. You are a person, and you can be happy if you choose. You don't have a duty to subject yourself to harm so that society is comfortable.

4. Find your thing. Find something that you love to do and do it. I just learned that I don't have to just survive anymore. I can go beyond that, and not feel guilty. Once you are free from abusive people, you have survived, and now you can live.

 I truly hope this helps someone, but writing it certainly helped me.