#he's a middle aged man

[folkloregirlfriend]

I AM SO EMBARRASSING KILL ME

[munchin-cheese]

The farmer's house 🪿

[duckbunny]

WHERE is my sexy representation of the Shipping Forecast???

[itachi86]

"Away from his theater, Bloomsbury has already returned to his natural state as a middle-aged man with a stick up his arse. Truly, I have never met someone who has so clearly missed his calling to become a schoolmaster for unruly boys."

-By Any Other Name

[gutsby]

Diehard

Pairing: dbf!Joel x Reader

Summary: Joel tries Viagra for the very first time.

Warnings: 18+. Unprotected p-in-v. Erectile dysfunction. Daddy kink. Praise kink if you squint. Overstimulation. Cumplay. She/her pussy pronouns. Pushing physical limits with a pre-negotiated safe word in place for it.

Note: No more limp dick erasure. We die like [old] men.

Part of the Waiting Game ‘verse | Word count: 986

Joel just wanted to prove he could fuck like he used to.

He didn’t think he’d almost kill you in the process.

“JOEL!” you screeched, heels digging deep in the mattress as your climax came in seismic waves.

The stimulation was insane. Normally the much-older man would have been down for the count after two—and usually one—big O, but now his chest was heaving, hips relentlessly beating a punishing pace against your own.

Your walls were slick with not only your cum but his, milky ropes of his arousal making for an obscene set of sounds every time his dick slid in and out of your cunt. You could feel his balls tighten and twitch with every forthcoming spurt of him, practically reeling with the pulse of each new sticky gift inside you. His groans rumbled low, but the power and pleasure and outright primal fervor they conveyed were unmistakeable. You had to look down, feebly, to believe it yourself—Joel never fucked his way through your orgasm and his.

Then you felt a palm slide up the back of your head, and Joel held it up to make sure you watched him fuck you.

“J-Joel,” you whimpered, watching his girth disappear and reappear at least a half-dozen times as you did.

“Just a little more, honey,” he murmured against your forehead. The smack of each thrust was dizzying, “Want my pretty girl nice and full’a me before she leaves, okay?”

Joel never could let you head back to college without a few of his loads and a head full of filthy memories—something to hold you over until your next visit home. You would’ve liked to mumble back, ‘Okay,’ but then your pussy clenched around him, and his thrusts grew faster.

“My sweet girl,” he grinned, “She likes that, huh?”

You could scarcely manage a nod. The weight of your head was held fully by him, and if that wasn’t indicative enough of your fucked-out state, your face surely said the rest. When Joel leaned back to adjust the angle of his thrusts, he caught sight of your hooded, glossy stare and almost came all over again. He slowed his pace for once.

Then he dipped a finger between your body and his, just long enough to douse the tip of his digit with cum. He bottomed out inside you, watched you part your lips in a gentle gasp, and pressed his touch to that open space.

It was almost like you didn’t have the strength to suck. You just let him smear the sticky stuff along your lower lip, gaze plastered to his. Then Joel’s cock sank deeper.

“O-ow!” you whined, partly reanimated by the stretch.

“You can take it,” Joel grunted.

The double entendre wasn’t lost on you. You could, and would, take his finger and his cock inside. You suckled dumbly on the cum-drenched fingertip in assent.

But when Joel’s finger popped out of your mouth and his thrusts picked back up, you weren’t entirely convinced you would be able to hold up the second half of that deal.

It wasn’t fair. He took one magic pill, and poof, his dick stayed hard for half the fucking day. You had nothing but your youth and two shaking legs to ensure your survival. When Joel worked his cock back and forth a couple more times and it seemed your body was about ready to scream, you took hold of his biceps and squeezed tight.

“I can’t.”

“Can’t what?”

The tip of his cock nicked a soft ridge inside you, and you jolted back. Joel’s palm was still pressed to your head, holding you to him, and his hips had you pinned as well.

Instead of answering, you whimpered.

You didn’t want him to stop, but you also weren’t sure if you could handle any more. Your eyes met his, pleading.

“Can’t what?” Joel pressed, a little more sternly.

Another whimper. Inside, Joel’s cock was rubbing that pleasure point raw, and you felt another climax coming.

“Use your words.”

“Too— too—”

Each new thrust was sending stars before your eyes. Joel was one sick man if he tried to make you talk while he fucked you past the point of all intelligible speech.

“Too what? Tell me, baby.”

You’d get that fucker back someday. Joel just grinned.

“Too much,” you hissed when his hips delivered another mind-numbing push. Then, feeling pleasure threaten to peak at almost a painful degree, “Toomuchtoomucht—”

Joel continued thrusting, knowing damn well you knew what to say if you really wanted him to stop. As if to underscore this point, he tipped your head back and made you hold his gaze, features creased with a frown.

“That sure don’t sound like the safe word to me.”

It wasn’t. You knew it wasn’t. He didn’t need to tell you twice, or even breathe a second word besides. With one more brush of Joel’s thick, throbbing, implausibly hard cock, he sent you over the edge and into your fourth orgasm of the morning, hitting that spot again and again.

And again.

And again.

Just like before, Joel fucked you through each wave, catching your lips this time to stifle your cries. You might’ve gone blind for a second or two, but that was alright; the pleasure, proximity, and then the sweet, erratic pulse of his cock sending rope after rope of his cum deep inside made the overstimulation worthwhile.

Your body went limp against the bed, held tight in Joel’s grasp, when you felt that sickly sweet dichotomy of soft, tender touches and a cock lodged between your walls that was as hard as it had ever been. Still trying to console you with kisses, still trying to warm you up for another round, perhaps, Joel almost laughed out loud in your mouth when you groaned into his and whispered:

“Please don’t ever take that fucking pill again.”

[jheyjette]

Chilchuck is such a fascinating character, because every time you learn something new about him, it’s like you’re being punched in the gut. Like, the first time you see him, you’re all “Aww, look at this lil’ guy. Isn’t he cute? Aw, he hates being treated like a kid. He’s probably already in his late teens or early twenties or something. One of those Older Than They Look type characters right?”

And then you find out that he’s almost thirty. He’s older than Laios. And you’re like, okaaaaay, that’s a little older than I expected, but that definitely explains why he hates being treated like a kid so much.

And then much, much later you find out that he has a wife and kids. And you’re just sitting there like, huh, okay. Okaaaaay. Well, this really, really, really explains why he doesn’t like being treated like a kid. He’s a dad. He’s experienced the ups and downs of parenthood. He’s the only character in the group that’s canonically had sex. Okay. Yeah. Wowza.

And then shortly after you find out that he’s his race’s equivalent of a middle-aged man, and it’s like, okaaaaay. That recontextualizes a lot of things. He’s a middle-aged man trapped in a twelve-year-old’s body. Okay. Yeah. Wowee. Gee willickers.

And you think that’s it. You think that nothing else could top that. And then the bicorn chapter comes rolling in with a steel chair and you find out that his wife left him and all three (count that, three) of his daughters are fully grown adults. And as you’re reeling back from all of this new information, they deliver one last final slap to your face.

Chilchuck was a teen parent.

But what makes this all so funny, so fascinating, is that Chilchuck arguably has the most normal backstory out of anyone in the group. And if he was literally any other race, tallman, elf, dwarf, whatever, this information would still be surprising, sure, but it wouldn’t hit the same way it does when he’s a half-foot. Ryoko Kui really said, You know what would be funny? If I made the party’s token grumpy middle-aged man, father of three, look like this:

And she's right. It's very funny.

[sqwdkllr]

Im probably bi, but i have a job so idrc about that rn

[razzafrazzle]

I was put on this earth to draw bill cipher in minxy little outfits

[image description: a page of drawings of a human design for bill cipher from gravity falls, done to look like a magazine cover. here, bill is depicted as a thin, pale-skinned androgynous person with an uncomfortably-wide smile. on the left is a large full-body drawing of him with short yellow and red triangular pigtails, and he is wearing a yellow bikini top, long flaired pants, and chunky platform sandals, all with eye imagery present. on the right is a a smaller image of him with a longer yellow ponytail, where he is wearing a yellow sleeveless crop top and miniskirt, and is carrying shopping bags. below that is the text "billy" repeated down the page in a sleek font. the background is a soft, muted rainbow. end id]

[big-greer]

a BIG part of the lore of Dungeon Meshi is how ageism is bad. About how the long lived races treat the young lived races like children and thus infantilize them and do not show them the respect and understanding they deserve simply because of their looks or short life spans. Whether its because to them they look like children in their eyes (like half foots and gnomes) or because the adult ages of the younger lived races are still in the child ages for the longer lived ones and so they get treated/viewed as children (we see otta receive comments about getting with minors when in reality she dated adult half foot women. so we already see this view towards things like this are a thing in the lore) We see this with chilchuck, senshi, and marcille where the two later view chilchuck as a child and treat him like one even though he is a full grown man who drinks (and is supposed to have grey hairs) all because he looks young and in the newest episode its revealed he is 29 which is still young children to the two of them. We see how perspectives that characters are children because of their age being a childs age for a different race as opposed to their race or because they look like children is a completely infantilizing and disrespectful behavior that causes so many problems in the long run. a theme that is completely flying over the average tumblr users head.

ive seen people get furious at other people because they sexualize chilchuck and even marcille

“oh they look like kids so dont do that you freak”

you absolute fool you missed a major theme of the fucking story. But because they look young suddenly they are children? have you paid no attention to the story? did you just ignore how the ageisim and weird mindset about ages like that causes so many issues that could easily have been avoided. and as for the age one i see people getting furious at others for being into and sexualizing izutsumi even though she is a year past adult in tall man years, but because she isnt in the adult age range in real life (wild your applying real life society standards to a fictional medieval fantasy world). even though even in lore she would be well an adult able to get married and everything tumblr really does have the media literacy of a toddler.

[giddlygoat]

i hear a lot of people talk about how ford really beefed up and became this fit hunk over time, and like, i get where that’s coming from - he spent 30 years surviving dimension hopping and all kinds of other physically demanding stuff.

but i think it’s unfair to look at his trim waist and assume he’s healthy. i’ll level with y’all; ford just… isn’t. he doesn’t eat right [if he remembers to eat at all], he barely sleeps, and he’s always pushing his body to its limits in all the worst ways. sure, you look at stan’s beer gut and flabby arms and assume he’s the unhealthy one, but it’s not a matter of either-or here. neither of them take very good care of themselves.

and hey, regardless of whatever crap stan eats, at least he’s not notorious for skipping meals. i think it’s safe to say stan’s got his priorities straight when it comes to keeping food in the kitchen. also… did no one else see the episode where he climbed a mountain of scaffolding [while also punching literal eagles] and saved the kids from gideon’s trap? or that time he wrangled a pterodactyl? or fought off a hoard of zombies??

i’m throwing out these extreme instances to put things into perspective, but let it be said that even if he hadn’t done all that, even the ‘normal’ events in stan’s life keep him reasonably active. i guess what i’m saying is i’m tired of people insinuating that stan is the unhealthy or careless twin while ford is some kind of hunky specimen.

they both got issues, and they could both use some good, home-cooked meals. being thin doesn’t necessarily = healthy just as being fat doesn’t necessarily = unhealthy. you know the drill

[noodles-and-tea]

Haha he said the thing-!!!

[medicalunprofessional]

never change, man !

[sunnibits]

some people really need to learn how to knock

[humblewonderer]

chilchuck being traumatized: a compilation

[toomanywordsnllines]

heyyyyyyy guess the new obsession...

[fillejondrette]

it's pretty funny how men complain about male loneliness as if loneliness is a sex-specific condition meanwhile you can't even be nice to a man because he'll make it weird