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mlovesstories · 5 years ago

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Sins of the Father Part 2

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Summary: Jensen tells someone his secret.

Words: 5000

AN- GRAB THE TISSUES!

Series warnings: cussing, mention of recent rape, emotions, divorce, cheating, angry teenager, drug use

“Where’s Mommy? She’s not at Gram and Gramps’!”

“I know. She made some sad choices, so she had to move out.”

“She’s not bad!” Reese pushed her chair away from the table and ran to her room. Jensen sighed in frustration, but the dad let her be. He walked to the counter, pulled a large envelope toward himself, and opened it. Seeing Jensen’s wife’s signature on the back page, he signed under hers, put it back in the envelope with a stamp, and laid it on the outgoing mail pile.

Taking his phone out of his pocket, Jensen texted his lawyer that it was done. He was finally free. Sole custody. It was confirmed weeks later in court, Reese’s mom nowhere to be found.

“Seeing as Ms. Kelly Ann Ackles has not attended, and there are witnesses to her terrible actions, I grant you sole custody of your daughter, Mr. Ackles. Good luck to you both, sir.” The judge slammed down the gavel.

“Thank you, Your Honor.”

—————

Three Years Later

“You never let me do anything!”

“You have more freedom than almost any kid your age! What are you talking about?” Jensen dropped his keys and wallet onto the counter. Reese threw her backpack against the couch.

“I want Mom!”

“She wouldn’t let you get away with this attitude, so don’t play that with me!”

“She ain’t here because you kicked her out. I want her back. How come all my friends have a mom and I don’t?”

Jensen replied, “Pick up your stuff, get your homework out, and start it before you take this any farther.” He opened the fridge and retrieved a cold water bottle.

————-

Age 13

Jensen was walking down the promenade when he ran into someone. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to- Kelly?” Jensen stopped suddenly at the outdoor mall. His face drained of color as he realized who she was.

“Hi, Jay.” She looked away from him in embarrassment of her condition. Skinny, sunken cheeks and track marks showed her recent activities. “How is she-“

“Here, Dad. I got you some hot choc-“ Reese stopped when she saw her father talking to a lady. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” Reese looked the woman over. “I can get you something to drink if you would like,” the teen offered.

“No thank you, ma’am,” the woman turned and scampered away. Reese shrugged and then looked up at her Dad.

“She recognize your or something? Looks like a stoner.”

“Nope, just saying hi, I guess. Come on. Let’s go.”

————-

“Honey, can you come to the living room, please?” Jensen yelled through the Vancouver apartment.

“Yeah?” Reese yelled back. She walked into the room.

‘Come sit with me, we need to talk.”

“I’ve been good for Skye, Daddy. I haven’t done anything-”

“No, no. I know. I need to tell you something. It’s a grownup conversation, okay?”

The early teen tilted her head in confusion as she sat on the ottoman across from her father.

“Okay…”

“I met a girl, and I really like her. Would you be okay if I went out on a date with her?”

“You’re replacing Mom? She never did anything, and you kicked her out. Now you want to do it again with someone else?” Reese growled. Jensen took a deep breath.

“So I guess that’s a no then,” he stated under his breath.

“Do whatever you want, Dad! You already did!” His daughter stood and stormed back to her room. Jensen heard the door slam. He winced.

JENSEN:

It went as well as I thought it would. Sorry, Dee. I think we need to wait. Will you wait for me?

DANNEEL:

I was expecting that. We can talk about it later when you aren’t so stressed.

JENSEN:

Thanks. I mean it.

Over the next few weeks, Jensen thought about how he would introduce Danneel to Reese. Reese didn’t know who his potential girlfriend was, so he thought he could use that to his advantage.

“Reese! Let’s get a move on, slow poke!”

“We’re only going next door, Dad,” she smiled as she walked toward the front door. Jared and Gen live a minute away. “You need to chill, dude.”

“Whatever, kid. Let’s go. Time to watch some football.”

Jared and Gen greeted the two as they entered the house. After getting settled in and comfortable on the couch, Reese heard the doorbell ring. Jared walked to the door. When he came back, a woman was with him.

“You’re Danneel! From One Tree Hill! Hi, I’m Reese.” The girl stood to shake her hand.

“Hi, Reese. It’s nice to meet you.” Danneel returned the gesture.

“Can I hug you?” Reese grinned.

“Sure! I like hugs!”

“Are you going to watch the game with us?” Reese looked at the woman expectantly..

“Yes, I was hoping so.”

Jensen walked in.

“Hey, Dee.” He sucked in a breath as he knew his daughter was watching.

“Hi, Jensen.” She walked to him and gave him a hug. “How are you? Your daughter is so delightful.”

“Eh, she’s alright,” he smirked.

“Hey!” Reese threw a couch pillow at his face.

“I’m kidding! Yes, I am good, Dee. Thanks. Let’s watch this!” Jensen sat next to Reese with Danneel on the other side of him. “Jared! Gen! Get in here!” He called for his friends. Reese giggled. She turned serious in realization.

“Is Danneel the girl you were talking to me about?” Reese whispered into her dad’s ear as the game played loudly through the speakers.

“Not now, Reese. Let’s just enjoy the game without-”

“She’s cool. I like her,” she beamed.

“I’m glad, kiddo.” Jensen pulled her into his side and readjusted the blanket over her lap. “I love you.”

__________

One Year Later

“I have to tell you something, and I don’t want you to ever, EVER, repeat this to Reese.”

“Woah, this just got serious, Jay,” she looked at him with concern.

“No one knows, not even Jared. But if we’re going to continue our relationship-“ he sniffled, “you need to know. Promise me you won’t tell her.”

“Jensen,” Danneel took his hand. “You’re scaring me.”

“Promise. It will ruin how she perceives everything, and I can’t have that.”

“Okay, I promise.” Danneel kissed his cheek. “What do you need to tell me?”

“It’s better if I show you,” Jensen slowly stood from the couch as he let go of Danneel’s hand.

He took a few steps away from her and unbuckled his belt.

“Uh. Jay? What are you-“

“Just look,” he pushed his pants down to his knees. “This is why I never want the light on when I’m in my room.” He pulled down his boxers and turned around.

Danneel gasped. Scars covered his rear. Thick lines scattered his mid-body. Jensen’s inner thighs were rough and irritated. His girlfriend could see that his skin never fully healed. Danneel put her hands over her mouth. He was about to pull his pants back up when she saw it.

“KAA. She branded you!” Danneel turned him so that she could see Kelly’s carved initials on his hip. She ran her fingers over the scar.

“Please, it’s okay, I’m okay.”

Danneel leaned back on the couch. Jensen pulled his pants up and buckled his belt.

“Kelly made me take it so that she wouldn’t destroy my name. I never did anything. I know that now, but I felt I had. We had to stay together for Reese. At least that’s what I thought. Once she cheated, I thought that was my opportunity to get out. But I’m okay.”

Danneel stood and stepped onto the couch so that she was taller than Jensen and wrapped her arms around him. Jensen quietly put his face into the crook of her neck and smelled her calming perfume. Danneel felt wetness on her chest.

He’s crying. He never cries.

“I’m going to find her-“

“No need. Life hasn’t been good to her. She got her own justice. But you can’t tell Reese. Ever. I don’t want her to hate her mom. It’s not Reese’s fault, and although Kelly used Reese as a bargaining chip, she will never know this was all her mom’s doing. To Reese, her mom was her hero. Don’t ever say anything. Please,” he whispered as they continued to hug.

“But Kelly ruined your lives and Reese has had resentment against you since-“

“I can live with that as long as Reese is safe,” Jensen backed up and guided Danneel off the couch.

“Can I have the full story now? I’m not trying to be pushy, but it seems like there is a lot that you are still working through.”

“Babe, it took a lot for me to tell you that.”

“Then it can wait.” She smiled. “I love you, Jay.”

Jensen embraced her.

“I love you too.”

_____________

“You’ve been a mess, babe. What’s going on with you?” Danneel pulled Jensen aside during Reese’s birthday party.

“Later. I promise.”

Danneel saw the scared look on his face.

“Go take a breather. You’re terrified. Do you want me to get Jared?”

“No. I’m going to go to my room for a sec. Cover for me.” Jensen scooted by her into the house.

“Where’s he going?” Gen walked up to Danneel.

“Bathroom, maybe?”

“You having fun?” Gen asked.

“Yeah, the party turned out better than I thought. I’m so happy that Reese and I get along the way we do. She let me do this for her.”

“DEE!”

“Hey, girl! So… do you like your party?”

“Yes, thank you!” Reese grabbed the woman around the waist.

“Good, I’m glad.”

“Where’s my dad?”

“He’ll be right back. Had to run inside,” Danneel combed a few strands of hair behind Reese’s ear. “You really do like the party? I did okay?”

“It’s amazing. I’ve never had a party like this before. Dad’s not good at this stuff.”

“Well, you’re his princess, and you should feel like a princess on your day, so I’m glad I could help,” Danneel rubbed the girl’s arms.

“You did a great job, Danneel,” Gen chimed in. “Happy birthday, Reesy!” She embraced the birthday girl.

“Thanks! Oh! One of my friends is here! Bye!” Reese scampered off to greet her best friend.

A few hours later, everyone had left and Reese was in bed.

So, mister,” Danneel started. Jensen looked at her. “What’s up with you tonight?”

“Her birthday is always hard. She doesn’t know it, but Kelly hurt me on her birthday. Every year. Really bad. It was as if Kelly was going to hurt Reese, so I took it for her, I guess. She was a psychopath. She played mind games to gain some sort of power over me. Kelly did it to a few others too, but I never want Reese to know that-”

“She hurt you?” Reese walked into her dad’s bedroom. “What?”

“Nothing, baby. Just telling Danneel how much I’m so glad your mom gave me you. Why aren’t you in bed?”

“Nightmares. Been getting that a lot lately. I don’t know why.”

Jensen pulled his daughter into him on his bed. Danneel scooted over so that all three of them could fit.

“I’m sorry. Can I do anything to help?” Jensen stroked the back of her hand.

“Sing?”

“Sure, baby. Let’s go back to your room.”

When Jensen came back to Danneel, he sighed a breath of relief and shut the door.

“Anyway, her mom always chose to beat me extra hard on those days. I never understood why. I thought it was always something I had done. Turns out, she was just a selfish woman who got off on making people feel like crap.”

“What made her think she could just mistreat you like that?”

Jensen climbed underneath the covers. Danneel took her ring off and put it on the side table.

“She- she told me that she would take Reese away from me and I would never see her again. She had proof that I was a terrible father, according to Kelly. She also saw a picture of fans who had gotten a little too close. I backed away, of course, and told the fans to move on, but every time I turned around, it was always something. Kelly told me that she had a lawyer and was going to take everything away from me if I didn’t do exactly as she said. So I did…” He reached for Danneel. The sobs wracked through him and shook the bed. “Kelly made me do stuff that I didn’t want to. I told her I didn’t want to, but she did it anyway. She thought of it as a fun sex game, but even when I told her no, she continued. I was restrained, so I couldn’t- “ he stopped himself. “Kelly used it against me, knowing full well what she did.”

“Jensen,” Danneel ran her fingers through his hair as he choked through his sobs. “I’m here. That won’t ever happen again. I will not be her. I’m your girlfriend, and partners don’t do that to each other. Just sit here with me.” Danneel stroked his back.

“Tissues?”

“I’ll get some in a second,” she soothed him.

“I’m a guy, I can’t come out and announce that a female raped me, Dee. She shoved her advantage in my face.”

“I believe you, Jensen. I’ll always believe you.”

As he stopped crying and wiped his face with his hand, Danneel reached toward the ground and grabbed the tissues off of the floor next to the bed.

“Here,” she put them on his lap. “You didn’t deserve that, you know that right?”

“I do now. Took a long time though,” he whispered.

“Good. You are my king. I would never-”

“I know. I do. Like I said, her birthday is always hard.”

“No one knows?”

“Nope. I showed you because, well, obvious reasons. I didn’t want you to freak out when you saw it.”

“You’ve kept that to yourself this whole time?” Danneel continued to stroke his back as his head laid in her lap.

“I’ve been seeing a therapist since it happened. Everybody thinks I go just to keep myself in check.”

“Shit, Jensen.”

“I’m sorry you’re involved with another statistic, a victim,” Jensen scooted away from Danneel.

“Get back here, Ackles,” she growled. Danneel put her hands on his arms to bring him against her again. “You don’t get to think like you’re a victim anymore. I love you. I don’t care what she did, you’re mine now, and you are not a victim any longer. Kelly isn’t here, and she doesn’t dictate your life. You do.”

“Thanks, Dee.” Jensen adjusted so that he was more comfortable against Danneel. The wife clapped her hands, and the lights went off. “Good night, my queen.”

________

“Hey, Reese!” Danneel greeted her stepdaughter as she walked into the living room the next morning after her party. “Looks like you slept well,” she laughed, ruffling the girl’s hair.

“I’ll be taller than you are soon, don’t make me do it back!” Reese giggled.

“Hey, munchkin,” Jensen followed his daughter into the room and kissed Danneel on the cheek. Turning back to Reese, he planted a kiss on the top of her head. “You’ll always be shorter than me, the guys are all taller than the girls in this family,” Jensen smirked.

“You just watch me break that streak, shorty,” Reese offered a smug smile.

“Wow, you’re confident!” He pulled her into him. “Did you sleep better after you fell asleep again?”

“Yeah, thanks for helping me. I’ve just been stressed for whatever reason. I’ve been thinking about Mom lately.”

Danneel’s eyes went wide, and she glanced at Jensen when Reese made her comment. Jensen shook his head ‘no‘..

Since the three of them were all together, they spent the day in Austin. Walking the swap meet, they tired themselves out. Reese exited the shopping area with bags of new clothes and accessories.

“Remind me to give her five bucks for her birthday this year,” Jensen laughed.

“I heard that, Daddy,” she nudged him.

“Abusive!” Jensen gasped playfully.

“Ouch. I think I got some mosquito bites,” Reese almost dropped her bags to scratch her legs.

“Don’t scratch,” Danneel reprimanded. ‘I’ll get you some lotion stuff when we get home.”

“It’s so itchy!”

“Okay, ladies. Let’s go home.”

When they returned to their house, Reese dropped the items in her room. She ran down the stairs to get anit-itch lotion from Danneel.

“Dee?” Reese walked into the kitchen and saw her dad sitting at the table with Danneel applying lotion to the inside of his leg. “You got some too- What the hell is that?” Reese ran over to her dad at the sight of the scars on his inner thighs.

“Shit.”

“What is that? Have you always had that?”

“I’m fine, sweetheart. I have a skin condition,” he started, but his startled face made Reese think otherwise.

“Your skin looks rough.”

“I’m okay. I got it when I was-”

“I wasn’t dreaming when you said she hurt you.”

Jensen pulled down his shorts to where the hems rested on his knees.

“No, baby.”

“Jen, she needs to know. It’s gone too far. You’re about to lie to her. You can’t.”

“What?” Reese turned from Danneel to Jensen, his face ghostly. “What did she do and where is she so I can-”

“Nope. Just relax. Dee, can you give her some lotion?”

Danneel -put some more lotion on her fingers to apply it to Reese’s skin when Reese moved out of the way.

“What is going on? I’m scared, Daddy,” she looked at him, begging for information.

‘You and I are going to talk later,’ Jensen growled at Danneel..

“Do you want me here for this?” His wife looked to him.

“Yeah,” Reese answered, taking Danneel’s hand that didn’t have the lotion on it.

“Sit down,” Jensen said, taking deep breaths.

“Jensen, take it slow. You set the pace. We’ll just listen, right, Reesy?” She pulled Reese’s leg up onto the bench seat and smoothed some lotion over the mosquito bite.

“Yeah, it’s okay, Daddy. Don’t be afraid.”

“I haven’t ever told you this, and it’s for a myriad of reasons. You will probably hate me more than you already do, but I guess since you’re older, I can be more honest.” Reese squinted her eyes at him. “When you were born, your mom thought she saw me being inappropriate and cheating on her with some fans. They got too close, and I told them to go away. She never moved on, though. She always held it over my head. Among other things. I’d never leave you or your mom like that. I hope you believe me, sweetness.” Reese nodded.

“So, she said she would take you away from me for a list of issues that she had with me. The only way she wouldn’t is-”

“Jay…” Danneel warned.

“...if she beat me up.”

“What?” Reese’s eyebrows nearly met her hairline. “She hit you?”

“That part of the conversation needs to wait until you’re older, but yes. That’s what you saw on my leg. But I promise, I’m okay.”

“You got hurt to protect me?”

“Basically.”

“I think you need to show her the other thing, Jay.”

“No. Maybe when you’re older. The main thing I want you to know is that I love you, and I didn’t mean to hurt you when she left.”

“Why did she leave?”

“She was being controlling with me, and I didn’t want you to be under her control too. Mom was already manipulating me, I didn’t want her to do it to you.”

“Dad.” Reese whined. “You would have tried to work it out if it was just that.”

“Baby, you don’t want to know. Please don’t make me tell you.”

“She was cheating, right?”

Danneel and Jensen’s mouths opened a bit.

“How did you know?” Jensen reached for the hand that wasn’t entwined with Danneel’s.

“I didn’t know if at the time, but this guy would come over when you weren’t home. He said he was a friend. I was supposed to call him Uncle-something. I don’t remember his name. I thought it was weird, but I was a kid, so I didn’t know.”

“That’s right, you were a kid. So you will not blame yourself. This was not your doing, you hear me, kiddo?”

“But she hurt you so that I could stay!” Reese bursted into tears. “That’s not fair!”

“Don’t do that. It’s not your fault, sweetie,” Danneel tried to calm her down.

“You never told me any of this even when I was mad at you because I thought it was your fault that she left. If I would have known-”

“You would be so emotionally compromised because of what she did. You would have second-guessed everything about your life, and it wasn’t worth that. We are safe. That’s what matters. I’d rather you hate my guts and be safe than be physically abused by her and still love me,” Jensen sniffled. “I did all that because you didn’t need to have a more messed up childhood. It was hard enough.”

Reese sucked in a breath that turned into a sob.

“I know what you’re thinking. Your mom was so good to you, Don’t ever dismiss that. She just… struggled.”

Reese’s long and lanky teenage body crawled into his lap. Danneel wiped tears from under her own eyes.

“She used me to hurt you! Your skin is messed up because she- that BITCH!”

Jensen sighed and stroked her hair. He let her spew out insults at her mother as she cried.

“I love you. I always have,” Jensen kissed his daughter as she leaned into him.

“I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t know. And I wanted it that way. The rest of the story can be told later. Just know that you are the best thing that has happened to me.”

For the rest of their day, the three talked and cried.

“I need you to go to bed, okay? It’s late and we had a hard day today.”

“No…” Reese whined.

“Yes, come on,” Jensen tried to pull her from her spot on the couch. She resisted, and Reese pulled him back down.

“I need you to make me feel better,” Reese said with a whisper. “Stay. I’ll sleep, I promise.”

“Okay. Okay. Let’s get comfy.”

Danneel went into the hall closet to get some pillows and blankets.

Jensen and Reese fell asleep an hour later, and Danneel slowly walked up the stairs to the master bedroom.

_________

“I finally told her.”

“Wow. I guess that’s what we are talking about today, then.” The psychologist narrowed his eyes on his patient.

“Danneel opened the door to it because I was about to make up a story.”

“Are you angry with her about that?”

“At first, yeah. But she’s really good at keeping me in check. The conversation went as I thought it would. I’m glad most of it is out in the open.”

“Most?”

“Reese doesn’t need to know that Kelly raped me.”

“Ah. So she knows her mom hurt you, but not exactly how,” the doctor confirmed.

“Yeah. Kelly beat my ass some kind of punishment implement. I’ve got stripes on me. That’s not something I want her to know. She’s a teenager. No.”

“Understandable, and I think that’s developmentally appropriate.”

“She’s doing okay. I can tell she’s angry though. Reese has been spending more time with me. She’s never been that way, giving me hugs and wanting to be around me.”

“Sounds like things are going well, considering.”

“Would you talk to her?” Jensen looked at his psychologist.

“I can. I was going to ask if you would feel comfortable with that.”

“I’ll ask her. I think she might be into it,” the dad put his head in his hands.

“You did good, Jensen.”

“Yeah. Father of the year,” Jensen stated sarcastically.

“Get up,” the doctor startled him.

Jensen sat up.

“What?”

“Stand up.”

“Okay…”

“We are going to keep talking, but you will stand up until we are done,” the therapist took his notebook off the side table and put it in his lap. “Now, do you think Reese hates you?”

“No, not now.”

“Do you think she has confidence in you as her dad?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Jensen shrugged.

“Say it. Yes or no.”

“She does, especially lately.”

“You’re valuable to her, right?”

“I guess.”

“Let’s say she does. Say it.”

“I’m valuable to her.”

“I’m confident in my ability to take care of her,” the doctor asked Jensen to repeat the mantra.

“I’m confident in my ability to take care of her. This is stupid, doc. I’m not any of that.”

“You are not allowed to use the word stupid in here, you know that. Now, I am having you say these things because you WILL feel that way.”

“Whatever, it won’t work.”

“I had you stand up so that I was on a lower level than you. It builds confidence whether you realize it or not. It’s a power stance. You can do this. I get that this is hard. Therapy is hard, but you will not treat yourself like this. Reese will suffer if you do. Homework assignment for this week-”

“I hate homework,” Jensen groaned.

“Here are a list of sentences that I want you to write in your notebook. Write each of them ten times. Preferably each in the same sitting. Got it?” The doctor handed him a list.

“A punishment?”

“Only if you look at it that way. Think of it as you are doing it to help Reese. That may change your perspective.” The therapist stood up. “Have a good evening, Jensen.”

“Yes, sir.”

__________

“I’m sorry,” Reese leaned away from Danneel, her sobs quieting.

“You are allowed to be emotional. She hurt your dad. She made choices that messed up your family. Sure, you’re older now, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I promise that you can come to me with this stuff. And I will NEVER hurt your dad like that.”

“Promise me you won’t tell him that I get sad?”

“I’m not going to lie. If he asks, I have to tell him. Lies can destroy families. We can’t have that again.”

“I understand. I need to get back to my homework now. Thanks, Dee.”

When Jensen called Danneel that night, he asked how Reese had been doing. She answered that the day had been rough.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could be there and not put this all on you.”

“She trusts me, it’s okay. We’re good, Jay. I love her, and I love you. If I can help, then I will.”

“You’re amazing. Thank you, Dee.”

“I know.” She giggled, elevating herself.

“Haha, very funny. I’ll be home in a few hours.”

“See you soon, babe.”

________

On the plane, Jensen wrote some of his sentences.

I am a good father. I am confident in my ability to parent Reese.

“What’s that?” Jared looked over at the notebook.

“The doc gave me homework. I thought I was done with homework when I left high school,” Jensen laughed.

“It’s for your own good,” Jared supported.

“I know. I’m writing these things as if it’s true, and it’s not.” Jensen showed Jared the page.

“But if you keep telling yourself that it will be a certain way, it will. It’s a paradigm shift. You’ll get there. Don’t give up yet. You just started. How many do you have to do?”

“Ten per sentence. There are four I’m supposed to copy. This is just the first one. It’s not that many, actually. Just takes a while.”

“It’s not ‘cause you’re in trouble. That’s why it’s not that many. Just enough to get you thinking.”

I am a good father. I am confident in my ability to parent Reese.

—————

One Year Later:

“How come I didn’t notice his scars before, Dee? I could have helped him or-“

“Stop. This is why he didn’t tell you. Jensen didn’t want you to blame yourself. I know it’s a lot. It’s not your fault. Say it. It’s not my fault.”

“But-“

“Nope.”

“It’s not my fault.”

“Thank you.”

“But it feels like it is,” Reese sighed.

“I can imagine. It’s a common thing for kids to blame themselves for stuff they have no control over. That’s normal.”

“Oh. Do you know what happened to my mom?”

“That is a question for your father,” Danneel squirmed in her seat.

“Dee?” Reese turned to face her step-mom. “My grandparents kicked her out, and I didn’t ever see them again. Did she go back there, and that’s why I never saw them?”

“Talk to your dad,” Danneel answered. “I’m here, but that is something he needs to tell you.”

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#supernatural #supernaturalau #mlovesstoriessinsofthefather #mlovesstories #Supernatural RPF #jensen x daughter

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wellmeaningshutin · 8 years ago

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Short Story #73: Average.

Written: 3/21/2017

When Tammy was only a couple months younger, she would get into the nasty habit of hot boxing her car, which would lead her to get covered in cannabis fumes that seemed impossible to deal with, outside of changing her clothes. Those were back in the days where she had never been caught smoking, so she would grow more and more reckless until one day, when her mother had come home to a house that reeked so bad that the poor woman ran to a sink, run water over a washcloth, and pressed it against her nose and mouth, confusing fire safety with drug exposure. When she finally reached Tammy’s room, she found her daughter mid inhale in what looked like a pile of garbage, but later turned out to be a gravity bong, and she almost had a stroke on the spot. After fights, threats, heart break, and all other sorts of family drama, it became clear to Tammy that she had been incredibly stupid, careless with her life, so she promised to her parents that she would swear off reefer, and she promised to herself that she would be more clandestine.

Now, as she sat in her car, in the mall parking lot, she made sure that she would have to go through great lengths to not get caught. She never wanted to be known or seen as a stoner, since there was more to her than her addiction. So, she made sure to keep her window rolled down, her body slumped in the chair so anyone nearby wouldn’t notice when she took a hit of her jazz cigarette, cautiously inhaling out of the open window, evenly distributing small amounts of smoke to ensure that a cloud wouldn’t built, making her too visible, and before every hit, before she did any of this, she would have to crane her head around just to make sure that there was nobody within 30’ of her car. Afterwards, she would put her gear away, tucked in its special box that she kept in the glove compartment. Then she would sit for five to ten minutes, donning sunglasses, and after the time had passed, allowing her to air out, she would roll up the windows and douse herself in perfume. After she popped a stick of gum into her mouth, she could wander around and do nothing, while feeling very interested in it.

She didn’t know why she decided to go to the mall, it was never very fun, and just seemed to be filled with a lot of stores that she was uninterested in. However, for some reason she decided that it would be a good destination, and at least she would be able to follow the crowd and stare at the people that it was made up of.

People were strange to her, especially since there were so many of them who had decided to end up in the same place as her, and they all had different reasons for doing so. Walking was starting to get to be too much, she was more focused on questioning people than moving forward, so when she reached a bench she decided to plop herself onto it, not noticing that she had decided to sit next to a friendly looking old woman. If she had been aware of this, she would have found somewhere else to rest, concentrate, de-high, where somebody wouldn’t try to talk her ear off, but as she thought of this alternative she felt bad for already making assumptions of this stranger. Didn’t she go through her masking ritual to not be thought of as a stoner, wasn’t it wrong of her to-

“What a wonderful day it is today.” A grimace had to be repressed, she was right all along, and this had began to confuse her. “I know I’m spending a sunny day inside the mall, but its still beautiful out. If you spend a lot of time inside, then you appreciate the outside more.” So was it wrong of people to apply stereotypes to her? Was she actually less than she thought she was? “Its like Ed always said, when he would come home from a hard days work, and he would talk about staring out at the sky, in the parking lot, suddenly-” Who was Ed? How did this woman expect her to participate, or understand, or maybe was the woman right all along, maybe she- “Ugh, this girl has the worst sense of perfume, Ed would never buy me such a-”

Pride wounded, Tammy turned to the rambling and insulting old woman, only to realize—unclear if this was real or just an effect of the strain—that the woman was speaking without moving her mouth. Feeling the young girl’s stare burn into the side of her face, the woman turned to Tammy, very uncomfortable, and said, “Why is this girl staring at me? What could she want? The youths in this city are a problem, maybe I should have found somewhere safer to hide out fro-” Sunglasses obscured an angry expression forming on the high nineteen-year-old’s face. Speaking with her mouth, “Hello?” Then, without moving her lips, “Why isn’t she saying anything? What could she possibly want?”

Two options formed in Tammy’s head:

-She could insult the woman for thinking that she was some sort of punk, trouble maker, ne'er-do-well, but then she would fall into the pit of over-generalization, and she wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing, since her stereotypes about the old woman were true, and her brain was too fried to rationally process this information, without forming more and more questions that led nowhere.

-She could punch the old broad in the face, teach her a lesson.

As she decided between those two, the old woman eventually left, and Tammy no longer had to deal with the dilemma. Yet, there was something strange about the encountered that bothered her, and it wasn’t the fact that the woman’s lips didn’t move, but it was because it was eerily familiar to her. This was actually a very common occurrence for her, when she was under the influence, but she was not high around other people very often, so it was always easy to forget about, to explain away as having smoked too much.

Eventually she forgot about the strange woman, and instead started to worry about how everyone had to know that she was high. Somebody could see her sunglasses and think, “Her eyes must be red behind those, she must be very baked.” Or maybe, or what if the smelled her strong perfume and came to the same conclusion? Knowing it was paranoia, she tried to calm down, but knowing that she was rational didn’t help her become rational, so she sat on the bench, stewing and panicking. Then it was time to think about excuses, just in case she was caught or questioned, so that she could expertly avoid trouble when it inevitably came. However, she was bad with excuses, and instead decided to watch the people around her, deciding that if it seemed like anyone was suspicious of her, she could just go somewhere else. Leave the scene of her crime against sobriety.

“What was the name of that guy who could pull the bus all by himself? God damn it this is going to kill me, if I don’t-”

“I have to get to that sale before its over, I can’t believe I let myself get talked into babysitting. I need to put my foot down, I need to tell them that I have a life of my own, and just because I’m 18 doesn’t mean that I have some sort of responsibility to deal with their dumb kids!”

“That girl has a nice ass, that girl has a nice set of shoulders, that girl is okay, that girl is okay, that girl has-”

She kept hearing these sorts of speeches being given as strangers walked by, and it seemed like the mall was deafening loud, but then she realized something.

“Okay, so if matter can’t be created, then where the fuck do babies come from, how are they made? I should have said that, jammed that in his face, lets see him react smartly to that-”

She was pretty stupid, or just pretty high, and either way she felt foolish. How much time did she spend watching television, or writing weird stories about death and strange creatures, and it took her how long to realize that she was reading people’s thoughts? In order to diffuse her building embarrassment, she decided to just focus on the thoughts of other people, to find somebody interesting. Then, maybe she could follow them around, and it would be like tuning into some sort of television show.

Some middle aged man who looked like an accountant, only thought about classic rock guitar riffs. Boring. A middle aged woman imagined having sex with a guy who was walking ten feet ahead of her, having some argument in his head with his father. A lone child walked past, trying to find their parents. A thirty year old man walked past, trying to hide from his lost kid. Two teenage girls walked side by side, one thinking about some male pop star who made millions off of pretending that he was some kind of perfect boyfriend that didn’t exist, and the other girl wondered if the first girl knew that she (the second girl) was sleeping with the first girl’s boyfriend. A vaguely homeless looking man was swearing in his head, upset with himself for telling a friend of his where all of the best spots where to collect recyclables. A large amount of teenagers, who passed by separately and didn’t know each other, all seemed to be thinking the same thing, which was: “Everyone must be looking at me right now, I hope I look cool.”

This began to get somewhat boring for Tammy, and she decided to get off of the bench and move into the crowd, hoping to find somebody of interest deeper in the mall. One person thought the smell of her perfume was too heavy, which at first made her feel offended, and then incredibly self conscious, but she eventually realized that only one person, in the crowd, had been vaguely thinking about her. Everyone else was just immersed in their own bullshit, their own thoughts that were incredibly pointless, dull, and repetitive. It made her worry about her own thoughts, and how uninteresting she may be.

It was hard for her to figure out a way to solve this. Maybe she could try being more interesting, more noticeable, so more people would be thinking about her, but then she realized that the idea was nowhere near a real solution, since it didn’t change her inner workings one bit. She then wondered if she could try escaping off to some sort of fantasy, day dream world, but then she would just be sitting around, wasting time until she would, probably, lose her ability to read minds. Ding! Feeling ridiculously stupid, Tammy remembered that she could read people’s thoughts, and than meant that she was inherently more interesting than the people around her. Just because average and boring people made up a majority of the population, didn’t mean that she was inherently one of them.

More determined than ever to find somebody of interest, somebody she could relate to in a vague sense, she decided to speed her way through the mall. For a little while, the only thoughts she picked up on were ones complaining about how Tammy had shoved them out of her way, and these were surprisingly common. Wondering why everyone in this crowd had seemed so stale, she realized that she should probably wonder over to interesting parts of the mall, to increase her chances. Disoriented and lost, she instead just stumbled into the closest store, which was filled with all sorts of strange, colorful, random, and interesting items. For some reason, most of the thoughts that she was able to pick up on went along the lines of, “People will think I’m interesting when they see me with this!” or “Oh, I can just imagine somebody seeing this and having to ask about it.”

People were starting to bum her out.

“If he calls, I’m not going to answer. I’m just going to let it ring, and he’ll know that he can’t treat me that way anymore, he can’t say I’m needy when I ignore him! But if he called I should actually probably answer just to let him know that I don’t care about what he says, then I should hang up after that, unless he stops me and wants to say something, then I should listen, but out of pity. Actually, I should call him right now, and just let him know that I-”

“That girl has a cute top, I wonder where she got it. I hope she got it at one of the stores in here.”

“Oh god, oh god, I hope nobody looks in my bag, I hope nobody knocks into me and they see what’s inside.” The person saying this was a guy who looked like a business man, or at least somebody who was somewhat important. Intrigued, she decided to follow this first person of interest. “If anybody finds out, my life is over, I wont be able to go on, they wont be able to look at me the same way anymore. The kids, oh god I’ll never see my kids again! How could I be expected to be a good father, when I went out and bought every Cher album I could find.” Suddenly angry through disappointment, Tammy wanted to throw something at the guy’s head, just because he wasted her time on something that turned out to be pointless. It was all starting to get exhausting.

It was like everybody that passed by was just thinking of or worrying about pointless shit, just going on with their lives as if they were somehow important. And what made Tammy so important, so different? Slumped over a trashcan, appearing as if she was about to throw up, but really just too high to process this, she attempted to figure out what made her so special.

‘So what if I can read minds, its not like I’m any different than everybody else. Its like just because I know how shitty everything is, that doesn’t make me, like, any better. Fuck! Fuck all of this! Whats the point of anything if everything is so pointless, if everyone is so wrapped up inside of themselves that they can’t even, ugh, why does it have to be like this?’

It took her a little while to realize that a concerned crowd had formed around her, to see if she was okay, and she had to wave them away, and vaguely say something about being sad about a break up. Out of the six people that checked on her, one was genuinely concerned, three were also trying to hit on her, two wanted to seem heroic, and one guy was with his kid, and only decided to help in the hopes that his child would think of him as a good person, but the child only stared at the nearby video game store, thinking about some stupid, colorful character. Standing up, dusting herself off, Tammy assured them that she was fine, then briskly walked off towards the bathroom.

When she arrived, she had to sit inside a stall, and just hope that the high would wear off, the mind reading could go away, and she would stop being aware of how dull she really was. While she waited, she could only think about aspects of her life that she used to think were interesting. Her smoking turned out to be nothing close to being unique, and her ritual was probably very common among a lot of smokers. At first it seemed cool of her to just show up at the mall, high, with no plan, just going with the flow, but she had started to realize that she just did have a plan, or any idea of anything significant to do, so she was really just wandering around until something interesting, some outside source of excitement, would happen to or around her. She used to think that she was different from everyone else, because she had refused to get a job or go to college, which to her used to seem like she was experiencing life more than anyone else, but now it seemed, to her, that she was just wasting her time before she died, hoping something interesting would… and then she thought about that. Was that the main rule she followed? Wait until something cool happens, wait for external sources to make life interesting, to make it worth interesting? And then it hit her—like a train bearing down on a teenager involved in a pissing contest to prove their useless courage—that she was the dumb stoner that she worried about everyone seeing her as, that she had nothing inside to make her more interesting than anyone else, only assuming she was special because she was blind to all other sorts of experiences, and she wanted to cry, and then she did.

Finally leaving the stall, after twenty minutes of mourning her loss of individuality, she decided to check herself in the mirror. At first she didn’t know what the point would be, nobody was going to focus on her very much anyways, but then she decided that it would have been terrible to get negative thoughts directed at her, so she decided to look her appearance once over. It was whatever, she barely did anything to fix it. What would be the point?

Walking out of the bathroom, taking in the sight of the mall’s ecosystem, she was suddenly nauseated, and just wanted to go home.

“That girl has nice cans, that girl has a nice ass, that girl’s clothes are much too baggy, what a slut, not showing me anything, that girl is fat but I’d still hit it”

“Oh god, everyone’s looking at me, aren’t they? I hope there isn’t anything in my teeth. I hope they can’t tell I’m high, I bet I’m so obvious right now, they can probably tell, fuck!”

“Kids these days are so wrapped up in themselves, not like me, I’m much better than those out of touch kids”

“Shit, what day is it today?”

“Did I leave my headlights on? Oh god, I wish I didn’t leave my head lights on.”

“Did somebody take my wallet? Might as well check, but lets try to do it so people wont notice, because they might steal it if they see me checking, or-”

“I hope nobody notices this erection, oh god, oh god”

And on and on, a million voices with nothing to say, or at least thats how it felt to Tammy, who was too high to be anything but dramatic, getting so lost in the sea of thoughts that she never realized that she was heading in the opposite direction, away from where her car was parked, and further in further into the mall she hated so much, because of how much it reflected her. Thoughts cloudy, she forgot that she wanted to leave and was instead feeling as if she was trapped in the building, never to escape, but also very hungry. Denial kicked in, and she decided that maybe she was just upset from being hungry, so she maneuvered herself, with some trouble, to the food court.

When she had gotten her meal, which consisted of a shit load of ice cream and two slices of greasy pizza, she sat down, and did nothing but eat until her meal had been finished, her whole life seemed to revolve around that simple—but entirely satisfying—task, and she hardly paid any attention to the thoughts of the people around her, they had just begun to turn into white noise. Yet, when she was finished in her meal in spirit, since she still wanted to eat more, but knew that she was physically unable to, and she began to pay attention to everything around her, she heard something that, at first, seemed like it couldn’t be real. It was a string of interesting thoughts.

“Look at this asshole chew down his disgusting sandwich, I bet that the next time he takes a bite I could shove it down his throat, choke him to death with the fucking thing. That’ll teach him. Fuck that would be great, to stand over him, hands over his mouth, watching the life leave him, watching him struggle as he tries to fight against me, against death, and then eventually knowing that its pointless, having to accept it. That sounds boring now. I wonder what it would feel like, to crush somebody’s hands with your throat, I wonder what it would feel like to tear an ear off with like a block of wood, like to apply enough pressure to scrape it clean off. Look at that girl, I wonder whats under those sunglasses, I wonder if she doesn’t have any eyes, I wonder what it would feel like to-”

Tammy located the person of interest, and noticed that it was a girl who was looking directly at her. She was starting to feel okay about being average, and a little worried about her own well being.

#Free Write #Short Story #Writers on Tumblr #Weed #Basic

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