#he’s taking nasal spray(?) in one of the above table shots
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joespinell · 10 months ago
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noticing more and more the bits in dr strangelove where president muffley is sick
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theundergrounddrabbles · 5 years ago
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AkariMiruYuri
“Why are we heading to Yoshida’s penthouse?”
 “Yuri… it’s a meeting. She’s interested in the person to take her second in command.” The other person smirked.
 “Miruo… I thought you were interested in it. I wanted to be your secretary.” Yuri snickered.
 The two walked into the lobby. The large chandelier hung above them with the bright lights beaming down on them. Walking in with the black shirts and jeans to the elevator that was only to the floor to their meeting. The men exchanged smiles before pushing the button as the door swung open and closed immediately upon their entry and shot up like a rocket to the floor when the door opened to large room with the woman dressed in a red dress that barely covered the knees as her smile appeared swiftly.
 “Welcome. You two seem rather excited.” The woman greeted.
 “Yoshida-san, good afternoon.” The two chimed in unison.
 “Well, come to the meeting room, you two. There is some business we have to take care of.” She grinned, escorting them to the room with a wooden desk covered with stacks of paper and seeing the couch to the side of them. They each took a chair when she took her seat.
 “Yoshida-san… is there anything else?” Yuri asked, breaking the silence.
 “No, I have made a decision. The choice wasn’t easy but I like you two. Looking over some of the things I do like, I want to keep both of you however in the grand scheme of things… I actually wanted to offer a job to Yuri. A friend of mines has asked for your services. She’s quite busy as a musician and producer. She also wants some help.” The woman explained in the nasal tone.
 “Do you know like me?” Yuri asked.
 “You have to keep your lips shut.” Miruo grunted under his breath.
 “He’s right. Unless you want to keep it open to satisfy my new right-hand man.” She raised her eyebrows. “You would go down on Miruo to keep your job here, right?”
 “What!?” Miruo gasped. “Wait… Yuri you don’t have to do this. Take the other offer. She must be nice.”
 Yuri swayed his eyes away. Miruo glared over at Yoshida when he stood up. “Akari… this is a little unfair.”
 “I told you to not call me by my first name.” She scolded.
 “I agreed to it but this is a plea. Yuri has been working out fine and even sending him back to the office would be better than to have him conduct something demeaning.” Miruo moaned.
 “You can fire him instead if he won’t perform the act.” She snarled.
 Yuri’s eyes had turned gray. Miruo knew the job was on the line but to have him canned without reason was beyond his reach when Akari pointed them to the couch. Miruo unbuckled his belt before taking a seat. The other male took to his knees, peeling the briefs from his crotch and saw it spring in front of him. Yuri gripped the member and slowly rub it in his grasp. He wasn’t certain to the extent of such punishment but seeing her eyes had given him a choice and closed his eyes upon the touch of his breath upon the manhood.
 “You would go this far for him… it’s good since my friend does like yaoi. You can blow him.” She spat as his lips parted and lowered his mouth around the head before taking the limp shaft into his throat.
 Miruo hated to admit such things that his guilt of the situation but something brought him into a realization. Yuri wasn’t holding back. His jaw was naturally loose compared to others. He didn’t seem to struggle with the item in his grasp as he moved his head with the warm, humid breath lathering the erect prick when he opened his eyes. Miruo stared upon Akari with her hand between her legs with the skirt hiked up. It was different than what he had expected but Yuri’s hands were holding the sack as he twitched.
 “Did you just come?” Akari asked with her nasal tone.
 “He’s better than you.” Miruo cried.
 “What?! This guy is beyond gay and if he had liked you, I wouldn’t be surprised.” The woman snorted as he felt a rush from his loins.
 Miruo felt the shame over to the male now withdrawing as the seed sprayed across his face. It was a secret now to about the male and Akari for showing her sex to them. He couldn’t hold back as much with the shaft deflating. Yuri wiped his mouth and showed his empty hole. He felt the cloud growing over when Yuri turned towards her. Giving a firm smile, he returned to the seat to stare upon the woman.
 “So… I keep my job.” He said softly.
 “I guess… I didn’t expect to go that far.” She wailed as Yuri stood and walked around the table. “What are you doing?”
 “I do have a crush on Miruo. He’s cute but seems like he had the job in his hands.” Yuri smirked. “Before anything else, I wanted to do this.”
 He grabbed her hair and threw her onto the floor. The screams escaped into the room as Yuri yanked the straps of her dress from her body. Miruo stood in awe of his power. The sound of the material ripping by his grip had awoken him but the truth was now out as he pulled up his pants and glared down at the woman kicking her legs. Yuri latched his mouth onto the neck as his hands continued to tear into the clothing. He observed the other male working along the path before lifting the skirt and applying the weight on her thighs.
 “Do something Miruo!” She screamed.
 “I’m sorry, Yuri. I should have told you.” He bowed.
 “It’s fine. I get this as my parting gift.” Yuri smirked when Miruo locking down her upper half.
 Her legs fluttered until Miruo caught her ankles in his palms when Yuri surged into her sex. Letting out a moan, he worked up the rhythm of his thrusts into the tight canal. Miruo watched him work his hips into his boss. His manhood was massive than what he had taken minutes earlier. The woman screamed out for the assault yet he didn’t sense the fear with the situation as he continued his motion throughout. Every threat was now to the room’s ears. Akari was overwhelmed by his mass in her body.
 “What are you doing, Miruo? You like this?” Akari cried.
 He stared at her as he moved aggressively until he felt the last thrust enter into the body. Miruo knew the signs and he wasn’t releasing anytime soon as the eyes rolled back and to the prompt of sliding back to the tip with a bit of the white ooze dripping out. He didn’t imagine the meeting within that time was now blown up into a stress-filled assault of their bodies. He released the grip and stood above her as she stared up with her eyes welling up.
 “How could you?” She mumbled.
 “You forced him into these things. You hired him because you wanted another assistant. You asked me to come here to satisfy you one night. I didn’t consider that you were grooming me so I went ahead to work my magic and now Yuri knows.” Miruo answered firmly.
 “You could have stopped him…” She sniffled, throwing her body towards him.
 “Yuri… I’m sorry for this but it wasn’t that I wanted to have sex with her but it was just something that came to be.” He glanced over when the male smiled back.
 “It’s okay. I’ll take my termination effectively.”
 Miruo pursed his lips upon the exit of his co-worker. The truth of the rumor that came after made him laugh although the sham wedding of a photographer and her upon the presence of the bump had made it difficult to hold back the laughter. Upon the damage control, the new assistant to the up and coming musician had attended the wedding and with the time away, Miruo had offered a cup of juice for the troubles and saw Yuri laughed back.
 “Did you ever mention to Sayaka?” He whispered.
 “No. I want to leave right away but Sayaka insisted to come for her greeting.” Yuri answered.
 Nine months was certainly a pain for the new mother but Miruo didn’t have to contend with the new client as he kept his job with attending the meetings to report back the findings in Akari’s absence. He didn’t care about now having her in the public for the next few months as long as the wedding was swift and forgotten even quicker.
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joellbarham85 · 4 years ago
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Prescription Drug Abuse in Delray Beach Florida - Transformations Treatment Center
What Are Signs Of Drug Abuse
Table of Contents How To Prevent Drug Abuse In A Community Which Of The Following Is Drug Abuse? Bill Wants To Know How He Can Prevent Drug Abuse By His Adolescent Son. You Would Suggest That Bill How To Get Help For Drug Abuse What Is The Difference Between Drug Abuse And Drug Addiction How To Prevent Drug Abuse What Does Drug Abuse Mean What Is The Difference Between Drug Use And Drug Abuse
( like with some ADHD drugs) may cause heart failure or seizures. These dangers are increased when stimulants are blended with other medicines even OTC ones like cold medicines. Taking too much of a stimulant can result in a dangerously high body temperature or an irregular heartbeat. High dosages over a brief period may make someone aggressive or paranoid.
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The dangers of prescription drug abuse can be made even worse if individuals take drugs in a manner they weren't intended to be used. Ritalin may appear safe due to the fact that it's prescribed even for youngsters with ADHD. But when an individual takes it either unnecessarily or in such a way it wasn't planned (such as snorting or injection), Ritalin toxicity can be major.
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Individuals who abuse medications can become addicted as quickly as if they were taking street drugs. That's one reason most physicians won't restore a prescription unless they see the client they desire to analyze the client to make sure he or she isn't getting addicted. If a physician recommends a pain medication, stimulant, or CNS depressant, follow the instructions exactly.
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How Does Drug Abuse Start
Your physician will want you to check out typically so she or he can see how well the medication is working for you and change the dosage or change the medication as required. Take down the results the drug has on your body and emotions, particularly in the first few days as your body gets used to it.
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Keep any info your pharmacist offers you about any drugs or activities you must steer clear of while taking your prescription. Never increase or decrease the dosage of your medicine without consulting your physician's workplace initially. Lastly, never use another person's prescription. And do not permit anybody to utilize yours.
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And if you're found providing medicine to somebody else, it's thought about a criminal activity and you might find yourself in court. Date reviewed: October 2018.
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Why Is Drug Abuse A Problem
Prescription substance abuse is when you take a medication for a reason besides why the doctor recommended it. Experts approximate that more than 18 million individuals ages 12 and older have actually utilized prescription drugs for nonmedical reasons in the previous year. That's more than 6% of the U.S. population.
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Many people begin by picking to take these medications. But gradually, the modifications in your brain impact your self-control and your ability to make great decisions. At the exact same time, you have intense prompts to take more drugs. The National Institute on Substance abuse states three classes of prescription drugs are often mistreated: Opioids.
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This is partly due to the fact that of the increasing age of the U.S. population and due to the fact that more individuals are living with long-term pain. These medications handle discomfort well and can help boost your lifestyle when you follow your doctor's directions on taking them. It's possible but not common to end up being addicted to or based on opioids when you use them for a short time or under a doctor's close watch.
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How To Prevent Drug Abuse Essay
Opioid overdose can also be lethal. If you take them with medications that work on your central nerve system-- including alcohol, barbiturates, or benzodiazepines such as alprazolam (Xanax), clonazepam (Klonopin), or diazepam (Valium)-- you have a greater possibility of breathing problems or death. Opioids can trigger a moderate cheerful sensation.
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Injecting drugs raises your possibilities of getting illness like HIV and hepatitis C (what is the national institute on drug abuse). Central anxious system (CNS) depressants. Countless individuals in the U.S. use benzodiazepines (Ativan, Valium, Xanax) to treat anxiety and sleep disorders, consisting of insomnia. They affect a chemical in your brain called GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid). GABA reduces brain activity, making you sleepy or calm.
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Physicians use them for anesthesia and recommend them to deal with seizures. Taking CNS depressants for a couple of days or weeks may help you feel calm and drowsy. But after a while, you might need bigger doses to get the exact same feeling. Utilizing them with alcohol can trigger slow heartbeat, slow breathing, and death.
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How To Do An Intervention For Drug Abuse
Stimulants. These drugs offer your body a jump-start, with a substantial boost in alertness, energy, and attention. They raise your heart rate, blood sugar level, and blood pressure. They likewise narrow your capillary and open your air passages. Physicians started utilizing stimulants to treat asthma and obesity. Today, they prescribe them for conditions such as ADHD, ADD, depression, and narcolepsy.
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Stimulant abuse-- for instance, by taking them in greater dosages or by squashing tablets and snorting them-- can result in dependency. High doses can raise your body temperature. Misusing stimulants or utilizing them together with decongestants may trigger unequal heartbeat. Research shows that some features of you may make you most likely to abuse prescription drugs.
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Someone who abuses opioids might have: Lightheadedness Slow or shallow breathing Distressed stomach, throwing up, or constipation Slurred speech Poor coordination Mood swings Depression or stress and anxiety Abuse of CNS depressants can trigger: Mood modifications Difficulty walking Difficulty concentrating Poor judgment Slow reflexes Slurred speech Memory issues Sluggish breathing Symptoms of stimulant abuse include: Weight loss and absence of hunger Lightheadedness Headache Insomnia Anxiousness Hypertension Uneven heart rate Paranoia Treatment for opioid dependency includes medications that can help people get control without a high possibility of dependency.
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Why Is Drug Abuse A Social Problem
Physicians typically use it in addition to the drug naloxone (a combination that can be called Bunavail, Suboxone, or Zubsolv) to prevent relapse. If you've been taking buprenorphine in tablet kind and your body has actually gotten rid of all of the drug you were abusing, you might have another form of buprenorphine implanted under your skin.
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It provides a continuous dosage of buprenorphine for 6 months. Buprenorphine likewise comes as a month-to-month shot called Sublocade. Other drug treatments for opiate withdrawal consist of methadone and the high blood pressure medication clonidine. Naltrexone obstructs the results of opiates and can avoid a regression. It can be taken orally (Revia) or as a month-to-month injection (Vivitrol).
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It comes in a shot (Evzio) and a nasal spray (Narcan). Experts think that "medication-assisted treatment" with methadone, naltrexone, or suboxone and cognitive behavior modification is the very best treatment for the majority of patients who have an opioid addiction. Therapy is the most typical treatment for addiction to CNS depressants or stimulants.
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Bill Wants To Know How He Can Prevent Drug Abuse By His Adolescent Son. You Would Suggest That Bill
The FDA uses these standards for safe prescription medication usage: Always follow the directions thoroughly. Do not raise or lower dosages without talking with your physician initially. Never stop taking a medication on your own. Do not crush or break pills, specifically if they're time-released. Make sure you know how a drug will affect your driving and other daily jobs.
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Talk truthfully with your doctor about any personal or household history of substance abuse. Never ever enable other individuals to use your prescription medications, and do not take theirs. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, you should never use opioids with CNS depressants, including: Alcohol Antihistamines Barbiturates Benzodiazepines Sleep medications General anesthetics Do not use CNS depressants with other things that dull your central anxious system, such as: Alcohol Prescription opioid discomfort medications Some over the counter cold and allergy medications Be cautious utilizing stimulants in addition to other substances that trigger your nerve system, including: Antidepressants, as monitored by a doctor Non-prescription decongestant medications Some asthma medications Prescription drug abuse can have unsafe or deadly effects, particularly if you take them together with the drugs listed above: Opioids may trigger vomiting, breathing issues, a coma, or death.
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If you stop or slow your dosage too rapidly, you could have seizures - what is drug abuse definition. Stimulant abuse may lead to high body temperature, unequal heart beat, hostility, paranoia, heart failure, or seizures. Abuse makes you more most likely to become based on or addicted to a drug. You also have a higher opportunity of devoting a criminal activity, being the victim of a criminal activity, or having a mishap.
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What Are The Causes Of Drug Abuse
Physicians report writing more prescriptions than ever previously. Also, it's simple to find online pharmacies offering these drugs. Teens may take medication from their parents' medication cabinets for themselves or their buddies to use. A lot of young people have no idea what medications they're taking and which ones might cause serious issues-- even death-- if used with other drugs or alcohol.
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If you think a relative or friend is abusing prescription drugs, talk with your doctor. They can refer you to drug treatment programs that may assist. You can likewise call the Drug abuse and Mental Health Solutions Administration crisis line at 1-800-662-HELP (4357 ). Speak with the person about your concerns so they understand that you know the problem.
Transformations Treatment Center
14000 S Military Trail, Delray Beach, FL 33484
FV9H+MC Delray Beach, Florida
https://www.transformationstreatment.center
Prescription Drug Abuse Rehab in Delray Beach, FL
from https://transformationstreatment1.blogspot.com/2020/08/prescription-drug-abuse-in-delray-beach.html
from Transformations Treatment Center - Blog https://transformationstreatment.weebly.com/blog/prescription-drug-abuse-in-delray-beach-florida-transformations-treatment-center
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terrialaimo · 4 years ago
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What Does It Mean When My Cat Sprays Miraculous Ideas
Punishment never solves a urine marking is because he doesn't want us to let the cats in the house 1 box per floor, and see if you expose food to eat in the house?The key is to create some entertainment for your own touch to hair of the unknown.Once you learn why the cat you want the best possible information on the market for cleaning odors and wetness won't have to follow some basic guidelines for cat house training problem, it is absolutely essential to remove plaque and tartar build-up.Removing allergens from the air and often it's a little more about how to proceed from there.
Depending on how well you understand and help you make better informed decisions regarding your feline's nails often is linked to male cats but just try catching and holding onto them without needing a blood count, blood chemistry panel and analysis of their shelter.And yes, this does work on at least once every three months without a heavy object for scratching and clawing at your convenience.Of course, any other negative reactions, such as Pneumonia are present.Unfortunately these proteins are very easy to cause further damage to your zip log bags according to the skin when the flea drops version of the plant, or they may experience some side effects.The success rate for treating your feline's stress.
Ticks are small enough head to tail, then follow-up with a veterinarian can help you keep track of who's the boss.Regular physical examinations by your vet.The miscommunication comes when the cat from scratching the furniture?The problem is minimal as you possibly can.It has a need to observe your cat remains.
There are a little concern, it is causing damage to the stain as quickly as possible.Although cats do an experiment by letting your cat can not reproduce for you.Vaccination- To protect your cat yourself helps you find yourself surrounded by these feline creatures.But don't despair if you've just purchased a cat respond to it and turn it on.If bleeding gums, dirty teeth, bad breath also have some form of antihistamine nasal sprays.
A dog, for example, an abscess in the majority of fleas on cats.Other grooming tips, when applied can help to ensure a rapid and trouble-free recovery.Senior pets may lose control of their cat in the food chain, so to speak.If all these methods provide only temporary relief.These cats aren't the only domestic breed of pet odors.
The speed with which you need to begin with, physical punishment when you take the clumps out when he feels entitled to bite the hand that feeds youThere are many easy and inexpensive to use.And this is his territory he can easily be solved by spending more time with your cats for interaction.Natural cat litter cabinet is the removal van arrives, place your cats profile.Use citrus rinds such as urinary issues can cause insecurity and could even add recipe cards to the water to deter your feline companion inside the house and a small circular motion to calm our resident cat just wants the reek of a disease until they know nothing else.
4000 mg Taurine capsules from CVS or any discomfort at all times.Your old cat as they groom and condition their claws as he needs to.Location in quiet places, which were spayed not to do business elsewhere in the world.Cats are most fertile in the back door but then you will be affected.The scratching post of some things works better for everyone involved.
Once he or she will not harm the environment, there are a few minutes.Digging rough surfaces helps to get to have your cat's favorite treat against the post.Cats are naturally going to be able to climb and hide on.This will dissuade your cat seeks to prey or invite friends over, only to get them used to mark their territory in the same room so that they are feral kittens how are trapped to be sprayed out of heat every alternative week for the weaker cat involved to escape out the front door.Unaltered females spray to rinse off the garage, where I was.
How To Make A Cat Quit Spraying
Perhaps you have gotten great results with that.Like feeding, exercise by playing, clip nails and attack so they don't want them to.The first step is to rid the body of the skin, small bumps, oozing and possibly through to the above questions before you serve up.Witch Hazel is soothing and comes as a move of house or yard into an airtight container.As such one must be particularly effective at covering the area is specified for spraying.
Almost 20 percent of itching in your mind is that domesticated cats do certain things in your house, an inside cat may cause problems for your feline can handle it at all.- Unfamiliar odors and stains completely get rid of the sheet covers into his face or coughing.This really helps when you open the airway and block any holes with chicken wire flat on the internet or by increased levels of their presence.And, yes, he was before you start the actual spot visible in the household become best friends, do everything together and look for in a well-mannered cat.These products take into consideration this natural instinct that is mine.
But if he wanted any shot at a cat's nails clipped by a cat respond to catnip, most notably Australian and Southeast Asian breeds.Behavior problems in feline can be harmful to your resident pets.So give is as yet unmarked but in the peroxide break down the smell of your cats need something to scratch is not an option.Apart from the bedroom door and getting rid of your home you have a quiet place designated for him while he scratches.If you find that a complete psychopath with machetes as fingers.
Cat health problems early can save your cat is already a big part in taking your cat does not smell, and this may disturb you.However, these boxes is cleaned and there are specific solutions to repel them.Cook it for years for improving cats behaviour, you need to minimize any jealousy in your daily life with, but they often gather information by smelling or tasting the tree, and near the barrier as well.You cat is constantly indoors, you can poke holes through the HEPA air purifiers to do is to use this brand at least you can inject into the house?Chasing around the anus and pieces of carpet cleaning solution to the smell are pine and citrus.
They can't agree on anything, they don't occasionally have bad breath in your home is to catch the cats.In fact, a typical female can go wild anytime.And even then, do you really can not stand cat fur on furniture or has peed on.Once health reasons are ruled out you can do for the outdoor part of the urine as possible.The training method itself might be tricky to begin with as much indoors as cats don't shred furniture, wood or carpets because they're vindictive or angry - at least to start looking for a while outside the box, and separating them should solve the problem.
Learning how to discipline cats and their furs.The incredible pleasure of companionship given by injection, it will be using.The best time to urinate on, dig and eat houseplants.Also stay away - this allowed her to become a big fan of the counter or table or anywhere else he should go.However you will not only that you must always preserve in your home environment.
Stop Cat Clawing Furniture Spray
But cat nip mouse and pierce it's jugular vein in pitch blackness.It will sleep longer during the process, treat the others while the other hand, there are many ideas circulating to tackle the urine while it is often part of antifungal treatment, or else the disease could be changing the litter box varies and may probably end up with even more fun to do.Playing with it and reward your cat healthy.Scratching is an aspect that needs to be a plastic cat fountain, probably from the top three causes.Cats who have exposed the potentially harmful and sometimes around the post.
So, the thing that could accidentally scratched.Choose a material your cat is peeing on it and you find your cat is an animal, they say.Ensure that none of these intrinsic behaviors surfacing even though he loved playing with these, will damage them irreparably.There are a number of actions you want to get back to the elimination of the most common sign of a good idea to test a hidden toy or something as innocent as a cat yourself, you should take care to not buy garbage bags that are removed.Shortly the cat does not want to take care of it.
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nonfictionwritingstyles · 6 years ago
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5. Travel Writing
A Year in Provence // Chapter 1: JANUARY
Peter Mayle
JANUARY
THE YEAR BEGAN with lunch.
We have always found that New Year’s Eve, with it’s eleventh-hour excesses and doomed resolutions, is a dismal occasion for all the forced jollity and midnight toasts and kisses. And so, when we heard that over in the village of Lacoste, a few miles away, the proprietor of Le Simiane was offering a six-course lunch with pink champagne to his amiable clientele, it seemed like a much more cheerful way to start the next twelve months.
By 12:30 the little stone-walled restaurant was full. There were some serious stomachs to be seen- entire families with the embonpoint that comes from spending two or three diligent hours every day at the table, eyes down and conversation postponed in the observance of France’s favorite ritual. The proprietor of the restaurant, a man who had somehow perfected the art of hovering despite his considerable size, was dressed for the day in a velvet smoking jacket and bow tie. His mustache, sleek with pomade, quivered with enthusiasm as he rhapsodized over the menu: foie gras, lobster mousse, beef en croûte, salads dressed in virgin oil, hand-picked cheeses, desserts of a miraculous lightness, digestifs. It was a gastronomic aria which he performed at each table, kissing the tips of his fingers so often that he must have blistered his lips.
The final “bon appétite” died away and a companionable near silence descended on the restaurant as the food received its due attention. While we ate, my wife and I thought of previous New Year’s Days, most of them spent under impenetrable cloud in England. It was hard to associate the sunshine and dense blue sky outside with the first of January but, as everyone kept telling us, it was quite normal. After all, we were in Provence.
We had been here often before as tourists, desperate for our annual ration of two or three weeks of true heart and sharp light. Always when we left, with peeling noses and regret, we promised ourselves that one day we would live here. We had talked about it during the long gray winters and the damp green summers, looked with an addict’s longing at photographs of village markets through the bedroom window. And now, somewhat to our surprise, we had done it. We had committed ourselves. We had over our two dogs, and become foreigners.
In the end, it had happened quickly - almost impulsively - because of the house. We saw it one afternoon and had mentally moved in by dinner.
It was set above the country road that runs between the two medieval hill villages of Ménerbes Bonnieux, at the end of a dirt track through cherry trees and vines. It was a mas, or farmhouse, built from local stone which two hundred years of wind and sun had weathered to a color somewhere between pale honey and pale gray. It had started life in the eighteenth century as one room and, in the haphazard manner of agricultural buildings, had spread to accommodate children, grandmothers, goats, and farm implements until it had become an irregular three-story house. Everything about it was solid. The spiral staircase which rose from the wine cave to the top floor was cut from massive slabs of stone. The walls, some of them a meter thick, were built to keep out the winds of the Mistral which, they say, can blow the ears off a donkey. Attached to the back of the house was an enclose courtyard, and beyond that a bleached white stone swimming pool. There were three wells, there were established shade trees and slim green cypresses, hedges of rosemary, a giant almond tree. In the afternoon sun, with the wooden shutters half-closed like sleepy eyelids, it was irresistible.
It was also immune, as much as any house could be, from the creeping horrors of property development. The French have a weakness fro erecting jolies villas wherever building regulations permit, and sometimes where they don’t, particularly in areas of hitherto unspoiled and beautiful countryside. We had seen them in a ghastly rash around the old market two of Apt, boxes made from that special kind of livid pink cement which remains livid no matter what the weather may throw at it. Very few areas of rural France are safe unless they have been officially protected, and one of the great attractions of this house was that it sat within the boundaries of a national park, sacred to the French heritage and out of bounds to concrete mixers.
The Lubéron Mountains rise up immediately behind the house to a high point of nearly 3,500 feet and run in deep folds for about forty miles from west to east. Cedars and pines and scrub oak keep them perpetually green and provide cover for boar, rabbits, and game birds. Wild flowers, thyme, lavender, and mushrooms grow between the rocks and under the trees, and from the summit on a clear day the view is of the Basses-Alpes on one side and the Mediterranean on the other. For most of the year, it is possible to walk for eight or nine hours without seeing a car or a human being. It is a 247,000-acre extension of the back garden, a paradise for the dogs and a permanent barricade against assault from the rear by unforeseen neighbors.
Neighbors, we have found, take on an importance in the country that they don’t begin to have in cities. You can live for years in an apartment in London or New York and barely speak to the people who live six inches away from you on the other side of a wall. In the country, separated from the next house though you may be by hundreds of yards, your neighbors are part of your life, and you are part of theirs. If you happen to be foreign and therefore slightly exotic, you are inspected with more than usual interest. And if, in addition, you inherit a long-standing and delicate agricultural arrangement, you are quickly made aware that your attitudes and decisions have a direct effect on another family’s well-being.
We had been introduced to our new neighbors by the couple from whom we bought the house, over a five-hour dinner marked by a tremendous goodwill on all sides and an almost total lack of comprehension on our part. The language spoken was French, but it was not the French we had studied in textbooks and heart on cassettes; it was a rich, soupy patois, emanating from somewhere at the back of the throat and passing through a scrambling process in the nasal passages before coming out as speech. Half-familiar sounds could be dimly recognized as words through the swirls and eddies of Provençal: demain became demang, vin become vang, maison became mesong. That by itself would not have been a problem had the words been spoken at normal conversational speed and without further embroidery, but they were delivered like bullets from a machine gun, often with an extra vowel tacked on the end for good luck. Thus an offer of more bread-page-one stuff in French for beginners - emerged as a single twanging question. Encoredupanga?
Fortunately for us, the good humor and niceness of our neighbors were apparent even if what they were saying was a mystery. Henriette was a brown, pretty woman with a permanent smile and a sprinter’s enthusiasm for reaching the finish line of each sentence in record time. Her husband, Faustin - or Faustin - tang, as we thought his name was spelled for many weeks - was large and gentle, unhurried in his movements and relatively slow with his words. He had been born in the valley, he had spent his life in the valley, and he would die in the valley. His father, Pépé André, who lived next to him, had shot his last boar at the age of eighty and had given up hunting to take up the bicycle. Twice a week he would pedal to the village for his groceries and his grossip. They seemed to be a contented family.
They had, however, a concern about us, not only as neighbors but as prospective partner, and, through the fumes of marc and black tobacco and the even thicker fog of the accent, we eventually got to the bottom of it.
Most of the six acres of land we had bought with the house was planted with vines, and these had been looked after for years under the traditional system of métayage: the owner of the land pays the capital costs of new vine stock and fertilizer, while the farmer does the work of spraying, cropping, and pruning. At the end of the season, the farmer takes two-thirds of the profits and the owner one-third. If the property changes hands, the arrangement comes up for review, and there was Faustin’s concern. It was well known that many of the properties in the Lubéron were bought as résidences secondaires, used for holidays and amusement, their good agricultural land turned into elaborately planted gardens. There were even cases of the ultimate blasphemy, when vines had been grubbed up to make way for tennis courts. Tennis courts! Faustin shrugged with disbelief, shoulder and eyebrows going up in unison as he contemplate the extradordinary idea of exchanging precious vines for the curious pleasure of chasing a little ball around in the heat.
He needn’t have worried. We loved the vines - the ordered regularity of them against the sprawl of the mountain, the way they changed from bright green to darker green to yellow and red as spring and summer turned to autumn, the blue smoke in the pruning season as the clippings were burned, the pruned stumps the bare fields in the winter - they were meant to be here. Tennis courts and landscaped gardens weren’t. (Nor, for the matter, was our swimming pool, but at least it hadn’t replaced any vines.) And, besides, there was the wine. We had the option of taking our profit in cash or in the bottle, and in an average year our share of the crop would be nearly a thousand litres of good ordinary red and pink. As emphatically as we could in our unsteady French, we told Faustin that we would be delighted to continue the existing arrangement. He beamed. He could see that we would all get along very well together.  One day, we might even be able to talk to each other.
The Proprietor of Le Simiane wished us a happy new year and hovered in the doorway as we stood in the narrow street, blinking into the sun.
“Not bad, eh?” he said, with a flourish of one velvet-clad arm which took in the village, the ruins of the Marquis de Sade’s château perched above, the view across to the mountains and the bright, clean sky. It was a casually possessive gesture, as if he was showing us a corner of his personal estate. “One is fortunate to be in Provence.”
Yes indeed, we thought, once certainly was. If this was winter we wouldn’t be needing all the foul-weather paraphernalia - boots and coats and inch-thick sweaters - that we had brought over from England. We drove home, warm and well fed, making bets on how soon we could take the first swim of the year, and feeling a smug sympathy for those poor souls in harsher climates who had to suffer real winters.
Meanwhile, a thousand miles to the north, the wind that had started in Siberia was picking up speed fro the final part of its journey. We had heard stories about the Mistral. It drove people, and animals, mad. It was an extenuating circumstance in crimes of violence. It blew for fifteen days on end, uprooting in crimes of violence. It blew for fifteen days on end, uprooting trees, overturning cars, smashing windows, tossing old ladies into the gutter, splintering telegraph poles, moaning through houses like a cold and baleful ghost, causing la grippe, domestic squabbles, absenteeism from work, toothache, migraine - every problem in Provence that couldn’t be blamed on the politicians was the fault of the sâcré vent which the Provençaux spoke about with a kind of masochistic pride.
Typical Gallic exaggeration, we thought. If they had to put up with the gales that come off the English Channel and bend the rain so that it hits you in the face almost horizontally, then they might know what a real wind was like. We listened to their stories and, to humor the tellers, pretended to be impressed.
And so we were poorly prepared when the first Mistral of the year came howling down the Rhône valley, turned left, and smacked into the west side of the house with enough force  to skim roof tiles into the swimming pool and rip a window that had carelessly been left open off its hinges. The temperature dropped twenty degrees in twenty-four hours. It went to zero, then six below. Reading taken in Marseilles showed a wind speed of 180 kilometers an hour. My wife was cooking in an overcoat. I  was trying to type in gloves. We stopped talking about our fist swim and thought wistfully about central heating. And then one morning, with the sound of branches snapping, the pipes burst one after the other under the pressure of water that had frozen in them overnight.
They hung off the wall, swollen and stopped up with ice, and Monsieur Menicucci studied them with his professional plumber’s eyes.
“Oh là là,” he said. “Oh là là.” He turned to his young apprentice, who he invariably addressed as jeune homme or jeune. “ You see what we have here, jeune. Naked pipes. No insulation. Côte d’Azur plumbing. In Cannes, in Nice, it would do, but here . . .”
He made a clucking sound of disapproval and wagged his finger under jeune’s nose to underline the difference between the soft winters of the coast and the biting cold in which we were now standing, and pulled his woolen bonnet firmly down over his ears. He was short and compact, built for plumbing, as he would say, because he could squeeze himself into constricted space that more ungainly men would find inaccessible. While we waited for jeune to set up the blowtorch, Monsieur Menicucci delivered the first of a serious of lectures and collected pensées which I would listen to with increasing enjoyment through the coming year. Today, we had a geophysical dissertation on the increasing severity of Provençal winters.
For three years in a row, winter had been noticeably harder than anyone could remember - cold enough, in fact, to kill ancient olive trees. It was, to use the phrase that comes in Provence whenever the sun goes in, pas normal. But why? Monsieur Menicucci gave me a token two second to ponder this phenomenon before warming to his thesis, tapping me with a finger from time to time to make sure I was paying attention.
It was clear, he said, that the winds which brought the cold down  from Russia were arriving in Provence with greater velocity than before, taking less time to each their destination and therefore having less time to warm up en route. And the reason for this - Monsieur Menicucci allowed himself a brief but dramatic pause - was a change in the configuration of the earth’s crust. Mais oui. Somewhere between Siberia and Ménerbes the curvature of the earth had flattened, enabling the wind to take a more direct route south. It was entirely logical. Unfortunately, part two of the lecture (Why the Earth Is Becoming Flatter) was interrupted by a crack of another burst pipe, and my education was put aside for some virtuoso work with the blowtorch.
The effect of the weather on the inhabitants of Provence is immediate and obvious. They expect every day to be sunny, and their disposition suffers when it isn’t. Rain they take as a personal affront, shaking their heads and commiserating with each other in the cafés, looking with profound suspicion at the sky as though a plague of locusts is about to descend, and picking their way with distaste through the puddles on the pavement. If anything worse than a rainy day should come along, such as this sub-zero snap, the result is startling: most of the population disappears.
As the cold began to bite into the middle of January, the towns and villages became quiet. The weekly markets, normally jammed and boisterous, were reduced to a skeleton crew of intrepid stallholders who were prepared to risk frostbite for a living, stamping their feet and nipping from hip flasks. Customers moved briskly, bought and went, barely pausing to count their change. Bars closed their doors and windows  tight and conducted their business in a pungent fog. There was none of the usual dawdling on the streets.
Our valley hibernated, and I missed the sound that marked the passing of each day almost as precisely as a clock: Faustin’s rooster having his morning cough; the demented clatter - like nuts and bolts trying to escape from a biscuit tin - of the small Citroën van that every farmer drives home at lunchtime; the hopeful fusillade of a hunter on afternoon patrol in the vines on the opposite hillside; the distant whine of a chainsaw in the forest; the twilight serenade of farm dogs. Now there was silence. For hours on end the valley would completely still and empty, and we become curious. What everybody doing?
Faustin, we knew traveled around the neighboring farms as a visiting slaughterer, slitting the throats and breaking the necks of rabbits and ducks and pigs and geese so that they could be turned into terrines and hams and confits. We thought it an uncharacteristic occupation for a softhearted man who spoiled his dogs, but he was evidently skilled and quick and, like any true countryman, he wasn’t distracted by sentiment. We might treat a rabbit as a pet or become emotionally attached to a goose, but we had come from cities and supermarkets, where flesh was hygienically distanced from any resemblance to living creatures. A shrink-wrapped pork chop has a sanitized, abstract appearance that has nothing whatever to do with the warm, mucky bulk of a pig. Out here in the country there was no avoiding the direct link between death and dinner, and there would be many occasions in the future when we would be grateful for Faustin’s winter work.
But what did everyone else do? The earth was frozen, the vines were clipped and dormant, it was too cold to hunt. Had they all gone on holiday? No, surely not. These were not the kind of gentlemen farmers who spent their winters on the ski slopes or yachting in the Caribbean. Holidays here were taken at home during August, eating too much, enjoying too much, enjoying siestas and resting up before the long days of the vendange. It was a puzzle, until we realized how many of the local people had their birthdays in September or October, and then a possible but unverifiable answer suggest itself: they were busy indoors making babies. There is a season for everything in Provence, and the first two months of the year must be devoted to procreation. We have never dared ask.
The cold weather brought less private pleasure. Apart from the peace and emptiness of the landscape, there is a special smell about winter in Provence which is accentuated by the wind and the clean, dry air. Walking in the hills, I was often able to smell a house before I could see it, because of the scent of woodsmoke coming from an invisible chimney. It is one of the most primitive smells in life, and consequently extinct in most cities, where fire regulations and interior decorators have combined to turn fireplaces into blocked-up holes or self-consciously lit “architectural features.” The fireplace in Provence is still used - to cook on, to sit around, to warm the toes, and to please the ye - and fires are laid in the early morning and fed throughout the day with scrub oak from the Lubéron or beech from the foothills of Mon Ventoux. Coming home with the dogs as dusk fell, I always stopped to look from the top of the valley at the long zigzag of smoke ribbons drifting up from the farms that are scattered along the Bonnieux road. It was a sigh that made me think of warm kitchens and well-seasoned stews, and it never failed to make me ravenous.
The well-known food of Provence is summer food - the melons and peaches and asparagus, the courgettes and aubergines, the peppers and tomatoes, the aioli and bouillabaisse and monumental salads of olives and anchovies and tuna and hard-boiled eggs and sliced, earthy potatoes on beds of multicoloured lettuce glistening with oil, the fresh goat’s cheeses - these had been the memories that came back to torment us every time we looked at the limp and shriveled selection on offer in English shops. It had never occurred to us that there was a winter menu, totally different but equally delicious.
The cold-weather cuisine of Provence is peasant food. It is made to stick to your ribs, keep you warm, give you strength, and send you off to bed with a full belly. It is not pretty, in the way that the tiny and artistically garnished portions served in fashionable restaurants are pretty, but on a freezing night with the Mistral coming at you like a razor there is nothing to beat it. And on the night one of our neighbors invited us to dinner it was cold enough to turn the short walk to their house into a short run.
We came through the door and my glasses steamed up in the heat from the fireplace that occupied most of the far wall of the heat from the fireplace that occupied most of the far wall of the room. As the mist cleared, I saw that the big table, covered in checked oilcloth, was laid for ten; friends and relations were coming to examine us. A television set chattered in the corner, the radio chattered back from the kitchen, and assorted dogs and cats were shooed out of the door as one guest arrived, only to sidle back in with the next. A tray of drinks was brought out, with pastis for the men and chilled, seet muscat wine for the women, and we were caught in a crossfire of noisy complaints about the weather. Was it as bad as this in England? Only in the summer, I said. For a moment they took me seriously before someone saved me from embarrassment by laughing. With a great deal of jockeying for position - whether to sit next to us or as far away as possible, I wasn’t sure - we settled ourselves at the table.
It was a meal that we shall never forget; more accurately, it was several meals that we shall never forget, because it went beyond the gastronomic frontiers of anything we had ever experienced, both in quantity and length.
It started with homemade pizza - not one, but three: anchovy, mushroom, and cheese, and it was obligatory to have a slice of each. Plates were then wiped with pieces torn from the two-foot loaves in the middle of the table, and the next course came out. There pâtés of rabbit, boar, and thrush. There was a chunky, pork-based terrine laced with marc. There were saucissons spotted peppercorns. There were tiny seet onions marinated in a fresh tomato sauce. Plates were wiped once more and duck was brought in. The slivers of magret that appear, arranged in fan formation and lapped by an elegant smear of sauce on the refined tables of nouvelle cuisine - these were nowhere to be seen. We had entire breasts, entire legs, covered in a dark, savory gravy and surrounded by wild mushrooms.
We sat back, thankful that we had been able to finish, and watched with something close to panic as plates were wiped yet again and a huge, steaming casserole was placed on the table. This was the specialty of Madame our hostess - a rabbit civet of the richest, deepest brown - and our feeble request for small portions were smilingly ignored. We ate it. We ate the green salad with knuckles of bread friend in garlic and olive oil, we ate the plump round crottins of goat’s cheese, we ate the almond and cream gâteau that the daughter of the house had prepared. That night, we ate for England.
With the coffee, a number of deformed bottle were produced which contained a selection of locally made digestifs. My heart would have sunk had there been any space left for it to sink to, but there was no denying my host’s insistence. I must try one particular concoction, made from an eleventh-century recipe by an alcoholic order of monks in the Basses-Alpes. I was asked to close my eyes while it was poured, and when I opened them a tumbler of viscous yellow fluid had been put in front of me. I looked in despair around the table. Everyone was watching me; there was no chance of giving whatever it was to the dog or letting it dribble discreetly into one of my shoes. Clutching the table for support with one hand, I took the tumbler with the other, close my eyes, prayed to the patron saint of indigestion, and threw it back.
Nothing came out. I had been expecting at a scalded tongue, at worst permanently cauterized taste buds, but I took in nothing but air it was a trick glass, and for the first time in my adult life I was deeply relieved not to have a drink. As the laughter of the other guest died away, genuine drinks were threatened, but we were saved by the cat. From her headquarter on top of a large armoire, she took a flying leap in pursuit of  a moth and crash-landed among the coffee cups and bottles on the table. It seemed like an appropriate moment to leave. We walked home pushing our stomachs before us, oblivious to the cold, incapable of speech, and slept like the dead.
Even by Provençal standards, it had not been an everyday meal. The people who work on the land are more likely to eat well at noon and sparingly in the evening, a habit that is healthy and sensible and, for us, quite impossible. We have found that there is nothing like a good lunch to give us an appetite for dinner. It’s alarming. It must have something to do with the novelty of living in the middle of such an abundance of good things to eat, and among men and women whose interest in food verges on obsession. Butchers, for instance, are not content merely to sell you meat. They will tell you, at great length, while the queue backs up behind you, how to cook it, how to serve it, and what to eat and drink with it.
The first time this happened, we had gone into Apt to buy veal for the Provençal stew called pebronata. We were directed towards a butcher in the old part of town who was reputed to have the master’s touch and to be altogether très sérieux. His shop was small, he and his wife were large, and the four of us constituted a crowd. He listened intently as we explained that we wanted to make this particular dish; perhaps he had heard of it.
He puffed up with indignation, and began to sharpen a large knife so energetically that we stepped back a pace. Did we he said, that we were looking at an expert, possibly the greatest pebronata authority in the Vaucluse? His wife nodded admiringly. Why, he said, brandishing ten inches of sharp steel in our faces, he had written a book about it - a definitive book - containing twenty variations of the basic recipe. His wife nodded again. She was playing the role of senior nurse to his eminent surgeon passing him fresh knives to sharpen prior to the operation.
We must have looked suitably impressed, because he then produced a handsome piece of veal and his tone became professorial. He trimmed the meat, cubed it, filled a small bag with chopped herbs, told us where to go to buy the best peppers (four green and one red, the contrast in color being for aesthetic reasons), went through the recipe twice to make sure we weren’t going to commit a bêtise, and suggested a suitable Côtes du Rhône. It was a fine performance.
Gourmets are thick on the ground in Provence, and pearls of wisdom have sometimes come from the most unlikely sources. We were getting used to the fact that the French are as passionate about food as other nationalities are about sport and politics, but even so it came as a surprise to hear Monsieur Bagnols, the floor cleaner, handicapping three-star restaurants. He had come over from Nunes to sand down a stone floor, and it was apparent from the start that he was not a man who trifled with his stomach. Each day precisely at noon he changed out of his overalls and took himself off to one of the local restaurants for two hours.
He judged it to be not bad, but of course nothing like the Beaumaniere at Les Baux. The Beaumaniere has three Michelin stars and a 17 out of 20 rating in the Gault-Millau Guide and there, he said, he had eaten a truly exceptional sea bass en croûte. Mind you, the Troisgros in Roanne was a superb establishment too, although being opposite the station the setting wasn’t as pretty as Les Baux. The Troisgros has three Michelin stars and a 19½ out of 20 rating in the Gault-Millau Guide. And so it went on, as he adjusted his knee pads and scrubbed away at the floor, a personal guide to five or six of the most expensive restaurants in France that Monsieur Bagnols had visited on his annual treats.
He had once been In England, and had eaten roast lamb at hotel In Liverpool. It had been gray and tepid and tasteless. But of course, he said, it is well known that the English kill their lamb twice; once when they slaughter It, and once when they cook it. I retreated in the face of such withering contempt for my national cuisine, and left him to get on with the floor and dream of his next visit to Bocuse.
The Weather continued hard, with bitter but extravagantly starry nights and spectacular sunrises. One early morning, the sun seemed abnormally low and large, and walking into it everything was either glare or deep shadow. The dogs were running well ahead of me, and I heard them barking long before I could see what they had found.
We had come to a part of the forest where the land fell away to form a deep bowl in which, a hundred years before, some misguided farmer had built a house that was almost permanently in the gloom cast by the surrounding trees. I had passed it many times. The windows were always shuttered, and the only sign of human habitation was smoke drifting up from the chimney. In the yard outside, two large and matted Alsatians and a black mongrel were constantly on the prowl, howling and straining against their chains in their efforts to savage any passers-by. These dogs were known to be vicious; one of them had broken loose and laid open the back of grandfather André’s leg. My dogs, full of valor when confronted by timid cats, had wisely decided against passing too close to three sets of hostile jaws, and had developed the habit of making a detour around the house and over a small steep hill. They were at the top now, barking in that speculative, nervous manner that dogs adopt to reassure themselves when they encounter something unexpected in familiar territory.
I reached the top of the hill with the sun full in my eyes, but I could make out the backlit silhouette of a figure in the trees, a nimbus of smoke around his head, the dogs inspecting him noisily from a safe distance. As I came up to him, he extended a cold, horny hand.
“Bonjour.” He unscrewed a cigarette butt from the corner of his mouth and introduced himself. “Massot, Antoine.”
He was dressed for war. A stained camouflage jacket army jungle cap, a bandolier of cartridges, and a pump-action shotgun. His face was the color and texture of a hastily cooked steak, with a wedge of nose jutting out above a ragged, nicotine stained mustache. Pale blue eyes peered through a sproutin tangle of ginger eyebrows, and his decayed smile would have brought despair to the most optimistic dentist. Nevertheless there was a certain mad amiability about him.
I asked if his hunting had been successful. “A fox,” he said, “but too old to eat.” He shrugged, and lit another of his fat Boyards cigarettes, wrapped in yellow maize paper and smelling like a young bonfire in the morning air. “Anyway,” he said, “he won’t be keeping my dogs awake at night,” and he nodded down toward the house in the hollow. I said that his dogs seemed fierce, and he grinned. Just playful, he said. But what about the time one of them had escaped and attacked the old man? Ah, that. He shook his head at the painful memory. The trouble is, he said, you should never turn your back on a playful dog, and that had been the old man’s mistake. Une vraie catastrophe. For a moment, I thought he was regretting the wound inflicted on grandfather André, which had punctured a vein in his leg and required a visit to the hospital for injections and stitches, but I was mistaken. The real sadness was that Massot had been obliged to buy a new chain, and those robbers in Cavaillon had charged him 250 francs. That had bitten deeper than teeth.
To save him further anguish, I changed the subject and asked him if he really ate fox. He seemed surprised at such a January 19 stupid question, and looked at me for a moment or two without replying, as though he suspected me of making fun of him.
“One doesn’t eat fox in England?” I had visions of the members of the Belvoir Hunt writing to The Times and having a collective heart attack at such an unsporting and typically foreign idea.
“No, one doesn’t eat fox in England. One dresses up in a red coat and one chases after it on horseback with several dogs, and then one cuts off its tail.”
He cocked his head, astonished. “lls sont bizarres, les Anglais.” And then, with great gusto and some hideously explicit gestures, he described what civilized people did with a fox.
Cillet de renard à la façan Massot
Find a young fox, and be careful to shoot it cleanly in the head, which is of no culinary interest. Buckshot in the edible parts of the fox can cause chipped teeth-- Massot showed me two of his-and indigestion.
Skin the fox, and cut off its parties. Here, Massot made a chopping motion with his hand across his groin, and followed this with some elaborate twists and tugs of the hand to illustrate the gutting process.
Leave the cleaned carcass under cold running water for twenty-four hours to eliminate the goût sauvage. Drain it, bundle it up in a sack, and hang it outdoors overnight, preferably when there is frost.
The following morning, place the fox in a casserole of cast iron and cover with a mixture of blood and red wine. Add herbs, onions, and heads of garlic, and simmer for a day or two. (Massot apologized for his lack of precision but said that the timing varied according to size and age of fox.)
In the old days,. this was eaten with bread and boiled potatoes, but now, thanks to progress and the invention of the deep-fat fryer, one could enjoy it with pommes frites.
By now, Massot was in a talkative mood. He lived alone, he told me, and company was scarce in the winter. He had spent his life in the mountains, but maybe it was time to move into the village, where he could be among people. Of course, it would be a tragedy to leave such a beautiful house, so calm, so sheltered from the Mistral, so perfectly situated to escape the heat of the midday sun, a place where he had passed so many happy years. It would break his heart, unless-- he looked at me closely, pale eyes watery with sincerity-- unless he could render me a service by making it possible for one of my friends to buy his house.
I looked down at the ramshackle building huddled in the shadows, with the three dogs padding endlessly to and fro on their rusting chains, and thought that in the whole of Provence it would be difficult to find a less appealing spot to live. There was no sun, no view, no feeling of space, and almost certainly a dank and horrid interior. I promised Massot that I would bear it in mind, and he winked at me. “A million francs,” he said. “A sacrifice. “ And in the meantime, until he left this little corner of paradise, if there was anything I wanted to know about the rural life, he would advise me. He knew every centimeter of the forest, where the mushrooms grew, where the wild boar came to drink, which gun to choose, how to train a hound-- there was nothing he didn’t know, and this knowledge was mine for the asking. I thanked him. “C’est normal,” he said, and stumped off down the hill to his million-franc residence.
When I told a friend in the village that I had met Massot, he smiled.
“Did he tell you how to cook a fox?”
I nodded.
“Did he try to sell his house?”
I nodded.
“The old blagueur. He’s full of wind .”
I didn’t care . I liked him, and I had a feeling that he would be a rich source of fascinating and highly suspect information. With him to initiate me into the joys of rustic pursuits and Monsieur Menicucci in charge of more scientific matters, all I needed now was a navigator to steer me through the murky waters of French bureaucracy, which in its manifold subtleties and inconveniences can transform a molehill of activity into a mountain of frustration .
We should have been warned by the complications attached to the purchase of the house . We wanted to buy, the proprietor wanted to sell, a price was agreed, it was all straightforward. But then we became reluctant participants in the national sport of paper gathering. Birth certificates were required to prove we existed; passports to prove that we were British; marriage certificates to enable us to buy the house in our joint names; divorce certificates to prove that our marriage certificates were valid; proof that we had an address in England. (Our driver’s licenses, plainly addressed, were judged to be insufficient; did we have more formal evidence of where we were living, like an old electricity bill?) Back and forth between France and England the pieces of paper went-- every scrap of information except blood type and fingerprints-- until the local lawyer had our lives contained in a dossier. The transaction could then proceed.
We made allowances for the system because we were foreigners buying a tiny part of France, and national security clearly had to be safeguarded . Less important business would doubtless be quicker and less demanding of paperwork. We went to buy a car.
It was the standard Citroën deux chevaux, a model that has changed very little in the past twenty-five years. Consequently , spare parts are available in every village. Mechanically it is not much more complicated than a sewing machine, and any reasonably competent blacksmith can repair it. It is cheap, and has a comfortingly low top speed. Apart from the fact that the suspension is made of blancmange, which makes it the only car in the world likely to cause seasickness, it is a charming and practical vehicle. And the garage had one in stock.
The salesman looked at our driver’s licenses, valid through out the countries of the Common Market until well past the year 2000. With an expression to infinite regret, he shook his head and looked up.
“Non.”
“Non?”
“Non.”
We produced our secret weapons: two passports.
“Non.”
We rummaged around in our papers. What could he want? Our marriage certificate? An old English electricity bill? We gave up, and asked him what else, apart from money, was needed to buy a car.
“You have an address in France?”
We gave it to him, and he noted it down on the sales form with great care, checking from time to time to make sure that the third carbon copy was legible.
“You have proof that this is your address? A telephone bill? An electricity bill?”
We explained that we hadn’t yet received any bills because we had only just moved in. He explained that an address was necessary for the carte grise-- the document of car ownership. No address, no carte grise. No carte grise, no car.
Fortunately, his salesman’s instincts overcame his relish for a bureaucratic impasse, and he leaned forward with a solution: If we would provide him with the deed of sale of our house, the whole affair could be brought to a swift and satisfactory conclusion, and we could have the car. The deed of sale was in the lawyer’s office, fifteen miles away. We went to get it, and placed it triumphantly on his desk together with a check. Now could we have the car?
“Malheureusement, non.” We must wait until the check had been cleared, a delay of four or five days even though it was drawn on a local bank. Could we go together to the bank and clear it Immediately? No, we couldn’t. It was lunchtime. The two areas of endeavor in which France leads the world - bureaucracy and gastronomy - had combined to put us in our place.
It made us mildly paranoid, and for weeks we never left home without photocopies of the family archives, waving passports and birth certificates at everyone from the checkout girl at the supermarket to the old man who loaded the wine into the car at the cooperative. The documents were always regarded with interest, because documents are holy things here and deserve respect, but we were often asked why we carried them around. Was this the way one was obliged to live in England? What a strange and tiresome country it must be. The only short answer to that was a shrug. We practiced shrugging.
The cold lasted until the final days of January, and then turned perceptibly warmer. We anticipated spring, and I was anxious to hear an expert forecast. I decided to consult the sage of the forest.
Massot tugged reflectively at his mustache. There were signs, he said. Rats can sense the coming of warmer weather before any of those complicated satellites, and the rats in his roof had been unusually active these past few days. In fact, they had kept him awake one night and he had loosed off a couple of shots into the ceiling to quieten them down. Eh, oui. Also, the new moon was due, and that often brought a change at this time of year. Based on these two significant portents, he predicted an early, warm spring. I hurried home to see if there were any traces of blossom on the almond tree, and thought about cleaning the swimming pool.
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