#he’s still a hero whose moral fibre is enough

[age-of-moonknight]

“Chapter 3: Avenger,” Fallen Friend: The Death of Ms. Marvel (Vol. 1/2023), #1.

Writer: Saladin Ahmed; Penciler and Inker: Andrea Di Vito; Colorist: Edgar Delgado; Letterer: Ariana Maher

[actuallyevilgay]

The Apathy (Part 1)

Astarion x Male Reader/Tav

DNI if you are a minor. Dead dove don’t eat. Please read my about before replying. Content: Astarion x Male tav, spoiler warning for act 3 and epilogue.

Summary: After the final battle, Tav disappears, perhaps to mend his broken heart. The adventure has done more damage to him than everyone thought at first. Notes: Astarion is the vampire ascendant, Tav is not a heroic figure. Contains headcanons for several characters, contains headcanons for illithid brain alteration but not evolving. Tav uses daggers and magic. Astarion is an Arcane Trickster Rogue. Content Warnings: Tav suffering from depression / ptsd, self-neglect. A/N: This is my first fic idea I wanted to explore. Some of these elements are inspired and used from my oc, I won’t overly describe Tav, but I wrote it with a long-living race in mind. So Elf, or Half Elf, or Tiefling and such. Tav would not age very quickly.

. . . . . .

The adventure had been.. Brutal. From the day you awoke on the nautiloid, all the way until you fought the nether brain. Without much peace in between the night, the fighting, the plot thickening, you remember every horror and every threat. You were not a hero, you’ve told Wyll that much. When he pleaded to hurry after the father that abandoned him, or when Karlach asked you to beat the shit out of some fake paladins.

You were not a hero, even as you helped up Shadowheart from the sands, or saved Gale from the portal or fed him a useless ring.

You told them, time and time again. Especially Astarion and Lae’zel, whose eyes pierced yours with a silent kinship. You did not trust any of them until they somehow managed to crawl into your heart.

Saving the tieflings wasn’t so bad, but everything went downhill from there.

And yet you still helped every friend you made, you kept promises and fulfilled them. You swallowed your pride as you consumed the powers from tadpoles, feeling the illithid magic take from you, childhood memories you might have once cherished. It made you numb, like you lost something- The ability to understand your own experiences. You could not put words to it, perhaps it scratched away the small bits of morality you harboured a very long time ago.

Jaheira certainly was stupid enough to trust you despite your lack of caution to the tadpoles. It wasn’t until the emperor revealed himself that you realised power comes at a price. For a moment, sense returned- you killed the very thing that promised you evolution with a stomp. No, you would not let this adventure take more than it already had.

Perhaps it was too early to think that it could not take more. Baldur’s gate had come. And everything was horrible. You remember the dread as you led Shadowheart back into her cult, to slay the woman who had raised her. You dread with every fibre of your body as Orin kidnapped Gale, you fear for his life. You remember Karlach’s heartbreak at the corpse of the man she once trusted most in the world. As unheroic as you claimed to be, you still helped save Wyll’s father.

And then.. Vampires. The night raid on the camp. It was time to face Astarion’s nightmare. You were in love with the pale elf. Sharing stories of your past as you struggled to keep it together. You needed to be strong for all of them, not just him…

Leading this band of adventurers into the mouth of hell, time and time again, coming out victorious and triumphant. You don’t remember if you were smiling, but you remember their faces clearly, when you let him ascend.

It had occurred to you that you were sacrificing 7000 souls. But you didn’t care about the cost, beaten and broken from the fight. The colourful edges of once rich, lively looking eyes staring down the back of your lover.

Cazador’s screams were delightful. The agony, the pleasure of taking from him what he wanted most and giving it to the person who had been your entire world the past few months. It was everything.

And you were berated for making the choice.. Your friends wouldn’t fight you on it, so close to the end. It wasn’t until Jaheira pulled you aside and fussed over your mental state that your numbness subsided for a moment.

Are you even a good person? ..Does it matter?

The memory of Astarion’s sultry voice thanking you for your actions and talking of a reward was blurry, like it wasn’t real.

‘’What can I do for my dearest pet?’’

‘’Huh?’’ You looked up at him, as if shaken from a dream.

‘’Darling, there must be something you want? Don’t be dense..’’

There was silence, before you opened your mouth again. ‘’I’m sorry, all I can think about is sleep.. We’ll have to face the netherbrain soon. Gods.. I’m tired.’’

You barely remember the rest of that conversation. Astarion wanted something from you and expected you to know what it was, but all you could think about was how exhausted you were.

He hurt you with words, and you hurt him with silence. It numbed you so bad the memory was lost in the sea of nightmares. You don’t remember why you broke up. You don’t remember why, but it hurt you so much to even look at him. It hurt you so much to be around these people.. These people you loved. These people who were your dear friends. After it all was over.. When Karlach and Wyll descended into Avernus and Lae’zel flew away on a red dragon, you just looked to the sky absently. Barely hearing Shadowheart’s suggestion of sharing a drink. You could feel Astarion’s eyes staring into your back as you left without a word, leaving the remainder of your friends bewildered and confused. You couldn’t hear Gale calling for you as you disappeared into the streets and left Baldur’s gate for good.

All these memories were scarce and incomplete. Like a long distant echo of a time you wanted to leave behind. You disappeared like you never even existed, and even the city itself seemed to have forgotten about its saviour.

……

Six months later, your old friends gathered together to talk about their lives, a party organised by Withers himself at your dear old camp.

‘’I did not expect you to be here, out of everyone.. To be honest with you.’’ Gale arrived early, to be met with Astarion who wore his prideful new garments with much flair. ‘’Ugh, you look like a mess Gale. No offense.’’ He eyed the wizard up and down. ‘’I would’ve liked to be fashionably late, but I prefer doing things differently.’’ Astarion added, waving his hand in a dismissive manner.

Gale laughed a little. ‘’Ah, I thought I was running late myself.. But yes, I should’ve taken my time before coming. These are my teacher’s robes!’’ He nervously scratches the back of his head, making a faint smile. ‘’It doesn’t take that much time to make an effort. You could’ve tried at least.’’ Astarion speaks in a familiar tone, ‘’But,’’ He takes a breath, ‘’ You were the clumsiest out of everyone, it reminds me of the many times you’ve slipped on your own ice spells, Tav would complain about it a lot. I shouldn’t expect too much from you.’’ His tone remained friendly. Astarion grew tired of the conversation. Pondering when his lost love would arrive. He had so many questions for him.. The memory of his departure haunted him.

‘’And this is why you are never getting married, Mr Dekarios.’’ Tara nearly startled Astarion as she spoke up. ‘’Tara! I do my best alright? Six Months is not enough to recover from several near death experiences, having a netherese orb extracted from- and.. and I’ve only just landed this job!’’ 

The mind numbing conversations continued as every guest slowly made their show. Even as Wyll and Karlach were magically transported to this familiar place, as shadowheart and Lae’zel joined hand in hand, declaring their relationship. They would not shut up.

Jaheira, Halsin, and Minthara were here too. Even Minsc! Everyone.. Except..

Astarion stared into the night sky, expecting Tav to arrive any moment now. Withers let out a loud ‘’ahem’’ as he made a toast.

‘’Where is Tav?’’ Astarion interrupted. ‘’Are you still expecting him to come, fanged one?’’ Jaheira interjected. ‘’Is that the only reason you are here?’’ Everyone grew quiet.

‘’Oh, I am here for the drama alright.’’ Astarion snarled back at Jaheira. ‘’Do you have the faintest idea why he isn’t here?’’ Astarion’s voice had a growl.

Jaheira’s expression softened. ‘’Don’t blame me, I tried to follow after him as you were satisfied with your diabolical ascension and crimson palace.’’

Astarion wanted to do many things, but arguing was not one of them. He waited for Jaheira to continue speaking.

‘’I could not find him, I tried. It’s like he erased himself from existence. He doesn’t want to be found.’’ The harper spoke with a melodic sadness, but also acknowledgement. 

‘’Why did you come, Astarion? Did you want to gloat in front of him?’’ Shadowheart added.

‘’No.’’ Astarion’s reply was quick. ‘’I don’t know why, anymore. Why did he leave? After all we’ve been through?’’ He masked his desperation, not wanting to appear weak in front of his old friends. He knew they judged him for his actions. For the way he spoke to Tav when they broke up. For the way he lied bitterly through his sharp teeth when Tav needed him most.

‘’Perhaps,’’ Karlach’s voice broke slowly. ‘’It was all too much for him, wasn’t it?’’ She turned to withers, expectantly for an answer. The old skeleton shook his head. ‘’His soul remains on the mortal plane.’’ Everyone’s eyes widened.

Jaheira shakes her head. ‘’The question remains, is it even a good idea to search for him?’’

‘’Well.. If I were him, I would want my friend to know if I’m doing alright. Oh- and I am doing quite fine, don’t worry.’’ Gale’s reply was met with an eyeroll of both Jaheira and Astarion.

‘’Maybe he’s fighting battles elsewhere. He was a good leader.’’ Lae’zel suggests, but it doesn’t stop everyone from theorising.

Minsc and Wyll both came up with ridiculous suggestions, from bounty hunting kobolds to slaying giants. Something, something, with dragons? Gods. Shadowheart thought maybe he left to start a new life somewhere, perhaps as a labourer, but it bothered her that he wouldn’t write a letter at least.

Everyone had their own ideas and fantasies about what the hell Tav was doing, coming up with one new thing and the next. Travelling. Carpenting. Exploring the underdark. Farming. Solving murders, painting nobles, crafting potions, writing songs. Astarion could not picture it at all. The idea of not knowing after all this time stressed him out.

If he wasn’t dead, and still in this plane.. He had to be somewhere.. Working, living. Breathing? He had to be doing something.

‘’You did pass him your invitation letter, correct?’’ Astarion eyed Withers intensely.

‘’Yes.’’ A crude response, but it offered no further suggestions to the whereabouts or well being of their old friend.

‘’Then you know where he is.’’ Astarion’s glare expanded. ‘’Tell us.’’ The silence grew heavy. Withers’ dead eyes looked over the vampire, noting the hidden concern in his voice.

‘’Neverwinter. I will not say more.’’ 

‘’Why in the hells is he in Neverwinter of all places?’’ Astarion questions. ‘’He is baldurian..’’ 

‘’Perhaps to get as far away as he can, from you.’’ Jaheira’s remark bit through Astarion’s side, but he swallowed his pride and did not bark back.

‘’Baldur’s gate did take quite a hit..’’ Gale looked excited at the prospect of visiting Neverwinter. ‘’Maybe.. If I divine a little.. I could find him, or at least, scry on him?’’

‘’Guys- Guys! We shouldn’t just turn up or.. it might be different. Perhaps he’s.. On an undercover mission!’’ Karlach tried to hide her excitement. ‘’Oh- But I do miss him.. Maybe-’’ The idea of joining in on an adventure to find their lost friend was refreshing, only to realise she still needed to pay Dammon a visit before she could even consider it. And as a result, miss out.. She let out a loud sigh,

‘’..You can scry on him? Why haven’t you?’’ Astarion turned to Gale, who stuttered in response.

‘’Well.. I.. Tried, but something blocked me out. I think he pushed me away.’’ Gale’s reply did only make the matter more concerning.

‘’Push you?’’

‘’You remember when we had those parasites? It was kind of like that.. I only just locked in on him, and felt a harsh push.’’

‘’I’d be godsdamned if he turned into a mindflayer after all-’’ Wyll interrupts, the panic finally hits him too. ‘’After all he’s been through-’’ Everyone exchanged looks and glances, expressions ranging from horror to helplessness.

‘’No.’’ Withers interrupted. ‘’His soul remains.’’ The rising tension calmed immediately.

‘’But you did see him?’’ Astarion turns back to Gale.

‘’Barely, I’m sorry.’’ The wizard shook his head.

Astarion huffs. ‘’I had enough. Forget about the toast.’’ He leaves the party, pondering about all the information he had just learnt, replaying the scene of his departure in his head.

The tadpoles. The god damn tadpoles. He remembers that night, after he ascended. His dearest Tav, barely keeping his eyes open. ‘’I’m sorry,’’ His drained eyes, scattering over the floor. ‘’Gods, I’m tired.’’

He remembers his spat. His little.. Unfortunate mistake. No, the biggest mistake. The yelling, the hurtful words. Tav barely responded, his eyes said so much and yet so little.

After the netherbrain fell, that look on his face remained. Lightless. Dull, empty. Broken.

The job was finished. He must’ve walked without much thought. Astarion curses under his breath as he makes his return to Baldur’s gate.

He should’ve gone after him before. But now he knows where to find him.

[emathevampire]

Compass for team chaotic good

Compass: who’s the moral compass? in general: what are your OCs’ morality like? do they have high morals, or not? are their morals self imposed, or do they base their morals on religion/family/influence of others?  Well, considering that they’re called Team Chaotic Good, that should give you a pretty solid idea of what they’re about! But not everyone is ACTUALLY chaotic good. Some aren’t even Chaotic. Or Good, in fact! Funnily enough, about half of them are Lawful, actually. So here’s the breakdown. Team Chaotic Good has quite a few members, so I’ll put it under a cut, as it’s a bit long.

Kíhyué: The team leader. Is Actually Chaotic Good. Has a very strong moral core, and while he doesn’t expect everyone he associates with to actually BE good-aligned, he damn well expects them all to act like it. The society he was raised in was largely Lawful/Neutral, but his outlook ended up completely different as a result of the mistreatment he suffered at the hands of strict laws and “neutral” stances that did more harm than good. “No such thing as an innocent bystander. You stand by and do nothing, you do not want to get involved, fine. But do not call yourself innocent. Do not say you did no harm when you could have done good instead.”

Inimicia: Sort of like his second in command, she’s Exalted Lawful Good. Not something you’d expect from the infamous Assassin Queen, or a half-vampire, or someone whose name literally means “the enemy,” but she’s had a long hard crawl up from being born chaotic evil and like hell she’s going to give up the good fight now. Her morals are 100% self-imposed, and she goes out of her way to find others in need of similar impositions and help them learn how to use objectively evil powers for good. Her order of assassins is ironically mostly good aligned, and she works very hard to keep it that way, sending them on missions to slay demons and devils and other undeniable evils who’ve managed to blend into society. This often leads to them looking like the bad guys, of course... nobility who keep their sinister deeds well hidden suddenly drop dead murdered in their own homes, and no one understands why. No one, except the victims of their cruelty whose pleas Inimicia’s spies overhear. She’s especially wary of religion, and any religion that claims to serve “the greater good.” A deity, of course, has the power to decide just what they think the greater good actually is, and cannot be trusted not to be acting solely in their own self-interest, or to actually do good deeds at all. “Go ahead. Paint me as your enemy. The world can believe you all it wants to, I’ll be the villain if you make me. I’ll still know the truth... and so will you.” Xadrea Shadowborn: Is Exalted Chaotic Good out of sheer spite and determination. Unlike Kíhyué, she absolutely expects Good out of everyone, even if she has to drag them kicking and screaming into behaving like decent human beings. Arguably this is the result of outside influence, though it’s... complicated. Essentially, she and her companions in a different universe had been given these artifacts that would tempt them into corruption in exchange for power, ultimately transforming them into an avatar of one of the Archdukes of Hell if they succumbed to enough temptations to lose their souls. Xadrea watched this happen to SEVEN of her party members. She outright refused to fall, ended up hosting the deity Heironeous instead of an archfiend, and saved the universe, all thanks to pure fucking spite and refusing to do as she was told by the voice in her head. Her sense of justice and honour don’t always conform to what one would expect of a literal divine embodiment of Valor, but she argues that’s what makes her best for the job, since she absolutely will not get caught up over doing the lawful thing as opposed to the right thing... something she and Kíhyué both agree is what makes their approach to fighting evil the best one. Her morals, ultimately, come from the shitty little slothful voice in the back of her mind that wants her to lie down and accept defeat, protect herself and forget the world... “Oh, you wish I’d quit, don’t you? Well it’s not gonna happen. NEVER gonna happen. You want apathy from me? Get bent, devil. I’m going to CARE. I am going to care SO much, ON PURPOSE, about EVERYTHING but you, and you can’t fucking stop me.” Anaziah the Kind: A paladin of freedom, Anaziah is another actual Chaotic Good member. If her former epithet of “the Wrathful” isn’t enough of an indication, she certainly didn’t used to have a moral compass, and it’s a testament to her strength of will that she’s managed to change and become a better person. She’s still pretty new at this whole “being a good person” thing, and looks to Faendys and the others for guidance, very grateful to all of them for giving her a chance instead of judging the Drow book by its cover. “I was raised to hate everything that wasn’t like us. To hate, to subjugate, to destroy. But... I was never really like ‘us,’ was I? All they ever really taught me was how to hate myself. The surface world isn’t like that. I’m free here. I’m allowed to love instead. It’s not easy, but, doesn’t everyone deserve the chance to try?” Faendys: Neutral Good, Faendys is the very calm one, who’s never trying to make any sort of deep commentary on anything on purpose, but often ends up making unsettlingly wise comments anyway. They rarely have to say much, and rarely do say much when things get serious, but their small voice piping up with something profound is always what gets the rest of them to shut up and act reasonably when their opposing alignments cause conflict. Even if it’s just a simple “That’s... not okay,” Faendys trusts their gut when it comes to tough ethical dilemmas, and the others generally listen to them. “I know it sounds hard. And it’s probably going to make us a lot of enemies. Even if we get away with it. But... we haven’t been afraid of that before, have we? They need our help, and we know it. What makes this time any different?” Arekos Aidoneus: A dread necromancer who’s also the party healer, Arekos is Lawful Neutral, and the only thing preventing him from being Good is the fact that many of the spells he casts are technically evil (see: raising armies of undead). However, he’s very careful to only use these spells for good purposes, and also has a few spells from the Book of Exalted Deeds on his list... his moral fibre is rather complex. His approach to the subject is based very strongly on his culture and religion: keep the balance in all things, use your dark powers only to serve the light, and defend the cause of good for the cause of evil needs no help to prosper. This creed is how he stays lawful despite actively working towards arguably chaotic goals, because dismantling the government brick by brick is, in fact, something he is required by his social and religious obligations to do, provided that the government in question is evil. Kíhyué and Xadrea absolutely hate it when he brings this up. “The world would love to prove that we cannot be good, that we cannot be kind, that we cannot be anything but evil and should not exist. I should very much like to prove them all wrong.” Amanthos Panideios: Also Lawful Neutral, with a heavy emphasis on Lawful, this librarian monk knows full well that he does not really fit in here... so he follows the others’ lead more often than not, managing to stay lawful despite the chaotic things they get up to the same way Arekos does. He also just... avoids getting directly involved with anything that would involve breaking the law in ways he can’t rationalise. Amanthos is not Moral, he is Ethical, and this is both a good thing (he’s able to rationalise many of the chaotic things he engages with as actually complying with the code of ethics he is meant to follow) and a bad thing (not everything has an easy answer, and it’s very easy for him to potentially fall into Lawful Evil behaviour if someone else isn’t around to check his work). “Oh dear... we didn’t cover this in any of my moral philosophy lectures... Arekos? Arekos, do you know the answer to this one?” Psamion: The bard, the sea captain, the Chaotic Neutral (but good-leaning!) one. He did his time as the hero, and quite frankly he hated every second of it, it traumatised him thoroughly, and he never wants to speak of it again. He’s perfectly content to continue doing his best to help people, in his own way, but absolutely does not want to let himself get dragged into another high-stakes demon hunt to the Hells and back, because he barely came out of the last one alive. That being said, Kíhyué is his closest friend in the entire universe, and he would do anything for him... so, naturally, when Kíhyué says “We have to save the world again,” Psamion just sighs, packs his things, and says “Can’t it just stay saved for once?” as he follows Kíhyué out the door. “Look, I don’t much care for this whole ‘getting involved’ thing, but if Kíhyué says it’s time to put up a fight, and he needs my help, you’d best believe I’m pulling out my knives and hucking a flaming bottle wherever he points me to. The world’s in trouble, and damn it all, by some miracle I’m STILL one of the idiots who lives in it, thanks to him... If I’m gonna fight, it may as well be a good fight.” Eomer: Is a gryphon. Kíhyué raised him from a hatchling, and their moral cores are as such pretty much identical... though Eomer is much more empathetic and often needs to give Kíhyué a kick in a more compassionate direction. “I think you very brave for trying. Maybe we fail, yes, happen some times. But what if not! Any thing can happen! Good thing, even! You would not even try for good? For happy thing? Stupid. Go try. Come try with me. I will go by myself, yes? No? Good! Together, we stand a chance, always worth a chance.”

[theowlsarenotwhattheyremembers]

Episode Seven: The Dragon and the Wolf

Cocks and Blood.

I don’t know how many levels of irony Scene One was on. The Unsullied, last heard of / forgotten after having pointlessly won Casterly Rock pre-stripped of food and besieged, are now lined up in well-fed ranks, because of plot nihilism. Jaime and Bronn discuss blood (family) and cocks and how they have them but the Unsullied don’t but then the barbarously virile Dothraki turn up with clearly more and bigger cocks apiece than any Lannister or lannlackey. What does all this mean? Is there an answer? Maybe, in the end, it is just cocks.

Look I know this recap is about a fortnight overdue. I have had to hand in a dissertation and then I was tired. We are all tired. This shit is tiring. Settle down. Rest. We have an hour and twenty minutes to get through and darn it we are going to escape from everything that’s tiring us out through lushly cinematographised fanfic cocks and all. Who doesn’t like cocks? Cocks cocks cocks.

Let’s carry on.

Scene Two: Tyrion lets Jon know that the leaping loins of Fleabottom have populated the city with a million warm sweaty bodies. King’s Landing, when compared to other cities of the early modern period, is bigger than any European city was ever, after Rome fell, until the Industrial Revolution. It’s more like the equivalent of Beijing or Edo-period Tokyo. Cool! This is, Jon observes, bigger than the entire North, and they’re all going to be ice wights unless our heroes prevail. Why would anyone want to live with all those other people?? The fucking’s better, Tyrion explains.

Scene Three: The bagged ice wight has retained its horrid vigour!!! Does this mean that the White Walkers can’t take unlife away once they’ve given it? (Does anything mean anything any more)

Scene Four: Cersei tells her undead henchlump to kill everyone.

Scene Five: Dragons understand that property is theft and children can be delicious if you are a large fanged lizard, so they had to be put in prison, which destroyed them and the vigour they animated the Targaryen blood with, Tyrion lets Missandei know. Then we have a massive reunion pile-on! The feels get mushy as Pod+Tyrion “you can suck his magic cock later”, the Hound+Brienne (Arya’s ultraviolent fosterfam are so proud of her!)

, and Bronn+Tyrion “I’ll pay you double”. That everyone is about to die is vigorously foreshadowed making me extremely anxious, but the pre-tension is pissed up the wall and everyone settles down for a civil conversation, because nothing matters any more. Tyrion+Cersei. The Hound+The Mountain, brothers, death and unlife can’t change blood, blood runs strong and hot, it’s the end of the world but #cleganebowl has been written in ruddier ink than this multideaths-are-coming tensionmusic can inscribe. Then the Queen herself arrives, atop her non-cock Drogon, who envelops with flame but does not penetrate (but wait till the final scene when Ice Viserion fucks the wall). Everyone is v impressed with Daenerys’ lady-D and how unambiguously it testifies to the rights her blood demands. Prophecy music plays. Cersei is upstaged. Did you know that the Lannisters are basically just nouveau-riche - their Age of Heroes ancestor Lann the Clever wasn’t even a king or a god like the other aristocrats? At best he was only the bastard son of one. Uncle Euron taunts Theon about his sister; but Tyrion/Cersei shut him up. These guys, the Greyjoys, trace their line back to the Grey King, who won a war against the Storm God, married a mermaid, and lived for a thousand years (i.e. was basically some form of deity himself). Seems likely Theon’ll bounce back eventually. They do the show and tell with the wight and then Euron storms off pretending to go home but actually going to pick up the legendary mercenary army Cersei just hired. Qyburn is definitely not on the side of the living. These guys are evil!! Cersei makes a pretend offer to help but Jon Snow is full truth, in love, with fire in his blood and his britches, so he messes up the fake negotiations.

Scene Six: Tyrion+Cersei chat over wine, and Cersei wins by letting Tyrion think he’s found her out for being pregnant. Tyrion points out that Daenerys isn’t a foreign whore who can be abducted, beaten up or intimidated, because of her blood and non-D.

But as @lasophus points out this (not this actually, violent death, usually via crossbow / arrow penetration) has happened to literally every other lowblood foreign whore (Ros Shae Ygritte Osha), plus all the lesbians. But not Daenerys! But Cersei Plannister has a plan. She doesn’t kill Tyrion because of blood / because otherwise the dragons and the dothraki and the unsullied would torch the city. She plays him instead.

Scene Seven:

Daenerys: I can’t have children

Jon: *hip thrust* oh really, let me introduce you to this gentleman here, I call him The Dragon

Daenerys: *swoons*

Scene Eight: I think Sansa was always playing LF but also kind of also knew he was her only friend and the only person who approached understanding her, but then her brother explained to her that LF was super betraying her so she had to kill him whoops getting ahead of myself

Scene Nine: Since diarising a meeting between Daenerys and The Dragon Jon in this war strategy meeting is looking at her with the disrespectful pout/halfsmile of the total lad who knows he’s about to get laid, and they arrange to take a ship up to the north together despite the danger because they have a very BUSY schedule.

Scene Ten: Jon lifts a finger to be on Theon’s recovery team, by telling him that it’s ok to follow his blood and save his sister.

Scene Eleven: Theon wins a fight and assumes his bloodright as sea prince by virtue of not having a penis. He staggers out into the surf and is rebaptised in the cold salty water as destiny music plays. I guess actually some cephalopods don’t have penises.

Scene Twelve: Sansa stands in a snowstorm making a difficult decision: yes she is going to go ahead with it. She gets flunkies to bring her sister to the Great Hall, and there, in front of all the ballachingly obstreperous northern lords, explains how LF has been the villain all along (via Bran’s magical insights). “How do you answer these charges ....... Lord Baelish???”, she reveals, as our prayers for Arya turn into a globe-spanning cry of BAZINGA!! It was us who underestimated the girls all along, and believed in their fights when actually they were just putting it on for the benefit of the spy at the keyhole and the viewer at home!!

“I deny it! None of you were there to see what happened,” LF says, no longer himself but just a plot toy setting himself up for Bran to coolly recollect that actually he was there to see it and all other things; an accusation based on magic which the northern lords don’t have any reason to believe in but which still floors our arch-manipulator to his knees, begging for his life. “Thank you for all your many lessons, Lord Baelish,” Sansa says to her friend and teacher, weeping, then delivers the nod to Arya, who slits his throat. As his blood spills we may reflect on how LF has been dead since the beginning of the season.

LF is of low blood and uses his tongue not his dick, so we do not have room for him any more. LF makes the plot diverge off in weird complicated directions, so we do not have room for him any more.

He killed Ros though

BAZINGA

Scene Thirteen: Another one of those tricksy bitches and Sansa’s other teacherenemy Cersei Lannister reveals the Plannister to Dummbister Jaime: just wait in the south until all the enemies have marched north to turn into an army of wights (which then maybe Qyburn could do something about or maybe I don’t care because “I’ll do anything to protect my family” is just madbitch speak for “I am now aligned with the forces of death”). Jaime is not with the programme because He Made a Promise and is aligned with the forces of the living after Brienne+Jaime met up and she worked her customary powers on his moral fibre. Despite basically giving the order to kill him Cersei flubs it at the last minute and Jaime walks away from her, finally choozing the right floozy, as Cersei makes an impotent I’m-not-evil-enough-yet fist.

Then we have a really nice and eerie snow scene where a christmas-y version of the title song plays and King’s Landing gets dusted with white. Winter coming maybe can be nice or cause people to do good things because of christmas?? I fucking love christmas!

Scene Fourteen: Sam’s initial reaction to Bran telling him he became the three-eyed raven is the kind of “Oh!” you’d give your kid if it told you it made friends with a stegosaur in school that day, but then has the wits to ask the follow-up question which has thusfar eluded other characters: “I don’t know what that means?”, and Bran delivers a semi-coherent explanation, representing, together with his material use to the case against LF, marked progress from the days when he was just scaring and upsetting people. Why is Bran so intent on telling Jon that he’s actually Aegon Targaryen, the true heir to the Iron Throne and D’s nephew, when he is, just this precise moment, eagerly performing eagerly-anticipated activities with D on a ship?? In these circs it seems like it would just be upsetting news which could threaten an alliance pleasant to both parties and vital to humanity. Whose side is Bran on?

Scene Fifteen: This conversation, “does it bother you that I’m the Lady of Winterfell”, “no obviously not let me introduce myself”, “I never could have survived what you survived, not like what I said in front of LF that one time”, feels like their first make-up-and-closure chat, which makes it seem like they weren’t pretending the whole time. Unbazinga.

(Direwolf thoughts: Sansa’s direwolf is dead and she’s totally different to how she was before and also not so much of a Stark (she didn’t swing the sword though she passed the sentence; she rules LF/Cersei-wise not starkly); Bran’s wolf died (at the moment his three-eyed-raven skills got transferred into him) and now being Bran is just one memory amongst millions of others; Arya’s is alive and thriving and she is the same as always and thriving; Jon’s is for all we know still alive and ditto (D got his chilly post-dead juices heated up again); Rickon’s wolf died and then he did.)

Scene Sixteen: Oh yeah, the ice dragon. Seems everyone this episode, including this recapper, just had too much darn stuff on their plates to mention to each other about you know how the White Walkers can reanimate corpses - people, bears, horses, giants, so on, he has a fucking ice dragon now obviously, climate change has nuclear weapons now obviously, everything is fucked, obviously.