#he’s so good he’s so special i cannot believe he knows that stede is feeling frenzied or panicked or whatever

[godasfarasyoureconcerned]

tonight i’m thinking so hard about the fact that stede killed ned low and immediately dismissed himself and when ed went in to check on him he took ed by the collar and slammed him against the wall to give an outlet to some of his energy and bad feelings. what i’m thinking about in particular is the moment where ed stopped at izzy’s suggestion, and more importantly the moment where he pushed forward against izzy’s suggestion

thinking about izzy saying “give him a minute. first kill’s always a mind fuck” and about ed ignoring his advice. thinking about the fact that izzy could probably tell stede would be feeling bad after this, or at least “mind fuck”ed enough to need some space from people, something that izzy frequently takes for himself when he feels bad too. thinking about ed disregarding the suggestion and getting real actual fucked by the mind-fucked guy. thinking about whether or not they would’ve rushed into sex if ed had truly given stede the space and time that izzy was suggesting. thinking about how he knows that it’ll be hitting stede hard and about the fact that he cares enough about that to try and lessen the blow. thinking about izzy giving an order to ed for the sake of stede, rather than giving an order to stede for the sake of blackbeard. thinking about ed ignoring it because they’ve long grown out of any semblance of that relationship where izzy offers advice to blackbeard. thinking

[phantom-ellie]

The Art of (Smashing) Crockery Chapter 27: 5150

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Stede Bonnet is having an out of body experience.

He sits in the Emergency Room, head resting on Ed’s shoulder, knowing that he feels tired and a bit sad, but not much else. And he can’t do anything about anything. He doesn’t know if he doesn’t want to, or just can’t. He gets the sense that Earth is still turning, but his soul is at a standstill.

Ed hands Stede his own phone so he can unlock it and text Mary. Tell everyone he’s okay. But Stede just stares at the phone for a while. He can see it. He knows he’s supposed to do something with it. But the connection from his brain to his fingers to the phone back to his brain is broken.

Ed finally places Stede’s finger against the fingerprint sensor and unlocks it so he can text Mary. Soon Ed has become Stede, Stede’s entire social life, telling his wife and his crew and whoever seems to care even a little what Stede cannot. That he’s okay, he’s alive.

Stede doesn’t really believe that he is.

Mary arrives, and he just stares ahead as she gives him the scolding of his lifetime, or pulls him into a hug, or rubs his shoulder. He’s an empty vessel that is simultaneously too full for input.

Stede had begun to reclassify all of the people in his life in his mind, so it wouldn’t hurt. So he could leave. Mary is Doug’s wife, Alma and Louis are their children. Ed is someone else’s friend.

But they’re still here? With him?

He’s called back to see the doctor. Stede gets up to follow the nurse, and sees that Mary is coming with him. He turns back to look at Ed. He has a question that he doesn’t know how to ask.

“Not going anywhere, mate, I promise.”

Stede nods, and imagines himself smiling back, and isn’t sure if he actually does. He follows the nurse. It’s easy to follow directions. It’s easy to surrender control of his life to people who know better how to care for it.

---

When Mary returns to the waiting room hours later, it’s alone.

This wasn’t how she’d pictured losing her husband. She’d wanted her marriage to end. She hadn’t expected Stede to want everything to end.

His friend (boyfriend?) is still in the same spot. He’s on the phone with someone. He spots her and waves her over.

“Hang on, she’s come back out, I need to know what’s going on. Call you back?” He tucks the phone in his back pocket and looks up at her.

“He okay?”

“Uh, no?” Ed’s eyes widen. “I mean, he’s a total mess, I don’t know what happened! We were texting and everything right up until this morning.” She sits down. “I think they’re going to keep him.”

“How long?”

“The full 72 hours, probably. After that, they have to find a place for him in a specialized hospital.”

“But he’s going to be ok?”

Mary shrugs. How is she supposed to know? “The doctor said it isn’t the worst he’s seen, and he came willingly and seems to want to get help, so I think he has a good chance.” She sighs. “I don’t know what to tell the kids.”

“I have a friend who helps people through this kind of thing for a living, he is a bit of an asshole but I can probably guilt him into giving you some advice.”

Mary sits down and sighs. She feels pangs of guilt coming from all directions. Why didn’t he tell me he was struggling? How could he do this to this family? Why didn’t I insist on helping him sooner? Who the fuck is this Ed guy? If I hadn’t been with Doug, could I have stopped this? What kind of asshole doesn't even try to say goodbye?

“We’re gonna need so much family therapy,” she sighs.

“Hey, therapy is awesome. Everyone should go to therapy.”

Mary smiles and holds out her hand. “We weren’t formally introduced. I’m Mary, Stede’s soon-to-be-ex-wife.”

Ed shakes it. “I’m Ed, the owner of Stede’s favorite rage room.”

“What is a rage room?”

“Oh, it’s a business where you destroy lots of objects, glasses, appliances, that sort of thing. To get it out of your system.”

“And… that works?”

“Clearly it fuckin’ doesn’t,” Ed mutters.

Mary laughs. “I’m sure this isn’t your fault, Ed.”

“Well, in case you change your mind and decide to sue, don’t bother, I’m shutting it down soon anyway.”

“Why? Because of Stede?”

“No. I mean, that’s part of it. But I’m just bored with it. I want to do something new. Stede was going through some big life changes and I thought… we could both make some big changes. Together maybe.” Ed still doesn’t meet her eye.

“Are you Stede’s boyfriend, Ed?”

“No.”

“Do you want to be Stede’s boyfriend?”

Ed blushes, just a little. “I mean… I guess we’ll see. When he’s better.”

Mary smiles at him. “Well… I hope he’s smart enough to agree. It would be good to have someone like you in his life.”

“He has me no matter what.”

Eventually Ed gets back on the phone, and Mary pretends to read a magazine so it doesn’t seem like she’s eavesdropping.

“Don’t hold out on me, Iz. You know the best, I want the best. The best fuckin’ facility you can get a bed in. 72 hours. I promise you, he can afford it. Who do you think dropped a 20 grand donation on Los Robles the other week? The fuckin’ tooth fairy? Stede fuckin’ Bonnet, that’s who.”

“He did what?” Mary mutters to herself. What the fuck has Stede been spending money on?

“No, I don’t know if he’d be into art therapy. A-animals? Animal therapy? What’s that, just having, like, a dog?” Ed looks over at Mary. “Does Stede want a dog?”

“Don’t get Stede a dog, Ed.”

“Izzy says he doesn’t have to get a dog, they have horses.”

“I don’t think Stede should be buying a horse, either.”

“Iz, does Stede get to keep the horse? No? He doesn’t get to keep the horse. Moot point.” Mary nods. “Ok on temporary horses, ok on art. Look, do you want to just talk to his wife? She probably knows more about him than I do…”

Mary shakes her head. “I really, really don’t.”

“What about water therapy? I know it’s for physical shit, Iz, I meant for me. My knee got fucked up at Jack’s. And don’t- listen, I don’t need a lecture from you. Get Stede a bed and me someplace to unfuck my knee and I’ll pay your fuckin’ rent for a year. Oh, and I need someone to get my bike. It’s at Pigeon Point. Yes, I know how far that is, dickfuck, I was just there.”

The conversation continues, and Mary sits back with a newfound sense of hope. With friends like these, Stede will be fine.

---

Stede Bonnet,

This is an apology. I handled things the wrong way. I interfered when I shouldn’t have. Said some things that aren’t true. I got you a bed at St. Anne’s Behavioral. Get better so I can do this in person. Jim, Wande, Buttons et al say hi.

~Izzy Hands

PS: You break Ed again, you buy him. I mean it.

Stede holds the card in his hands. It had arrived attached to a bouquet of flowers. Blue hyacinths, white orchids, sunflowers. Apology flowers. Pretty.

Nobody who has truly wounded Stede has ever apologized to him before, not sincerely.

It feels… hopeful?

There’s hope. There’s help.

There are so many flowers around Stede right now from all his friends. He accepts it now, that they are truly friends. They didn’t have to care about him, they could have let him drop off the face of the earth. But they didn’t. They had kept trying.

Stede realizes that he needed that. He needed people in his life who thought he was worth trying for.

And if he’s worth trying for, isn’t it worth trying for them? Isn’t it worth making an effort? You only get one life.

Maybe Stede’s life is worth fighting for, just for a bit longer.

---

It’s been 48 hours, and Ed doesn’t even pretend there’s anywhere else he’d rather be. If Stede can have visitors, Ed will be there. He arrives with a bouquet of sunflowers. He’d already sent flowers ahead the day before, but he was worried that there wouldn’t be enough, that Stede would be sitting in an empty, colorless hospital room.

He needn’t have worried. The fucking things are everywhere when he arrives.

“Ed,” Stede says softly as Ed enters and admires the garden.

“Stede,” Ed replies, “Jesus, how many are there?”

“I don’t know, I haven’t really counted.” Stede looks around. “They are lovely though, aren’t they?”

“Fuck yeah. Never seen so many.”

“How are you doing, Ed? Has it been difficult for you?”

Ed places his bouquet on the floor and sits down. “Fuck, Stede, I’m fine, it’s you I’m worried about. Talk to me, how are you feeling.”

Stede twists his mouth to the side, thinking. “I think… I’m better, maybe? I don’t feel much, good or bad. I’m just sort of… existing.”

“They got you on anything?”

Stede nods. “Oh. yeah. I don’t know what the meds are called. But they won’t kick in for a while. Just have to wait, you know?”

“And you’re… okay with that?”

Stede looks at him and smiles, just a little. “Yeah. I’ve waited this long to be happy. What’s a few more months, right?”

“That’s the spirit.” Ed fistbumps Stede’s shoulder.

In return, Stede squeezes Ed’s hand.

“I’m sorry, Ed. For putting yo- everyone through this. There was a better way.”

“You weren’t thinking clearly. It’s okay.”

“I don’t know if I’ve ever thought clearly. But… some things are more clear to me than ever. If that makes sense.”

“Like what?”

“Oh, I don’t know… why I am the way I am, for starters.”

“You mean… gay?”

“I mean everything. But that, too.” Stede looks Ed in the eyes and takes a deep breath. “Listen, Ed…”

“You don’t have to say something just to make me feel good, Stede.”

“I’m not. Just… do you still feel? Some kind of way, about me?”

Ed doesn’t know which answer Stede wants to hear, which one will do damage, so he goes with the truth. “Yeah, man. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. But I’ve loved… I’ve had a crush on you for a while now. I’m sorry for springing it on you when I did. It was wrong.”

Stede nods. “It was the wrong time… but not the wrong feeling? If that makes sense?”

Something warm leaps in Ed’s heart.

“I mean… I might have felt the same way, and maybe still do? You felt like…” Stede thinks about it for a second. “Like, family? Safe? Like a warm blanket? Like I could be who I am around you? And it felt good.”

“Felt good?”

“I think it still does, feel good. Except I can’t feel much right now. Everything is dull.” Stede looks down and plays with the edge of his hospital gown. “But I want to feel that again. For you. I hope I do. I want that for you. And for me.”

“Stede, it’s no pressure. You’ve had too much happen in your life and you need to get better. Then we can talk about those feelings more.”

Stede nods and looks back at him. “Ed, I’d like… a have a few favors to ask of you.”

“Anything, man, name it.”

“Will you… wait for me? To get out of the hospital?”

“Of course, Stede, it won’t be that long.”

“They said it could be a month or two. We haven’t known each other that long…”

Ed grabs Stede’s hand.

“Stede, nothing I feel for you has changed or will change. I care about you now when you’re like this, right? I want to get to know you when you’re happy.”

Stede’s face almost cracks into a smile at that, as deadened as his emotions are.

“Thank you. Also…” Stede looks around at the flowers. “Could you take care of my plants? I don’t think most of them will last, but that monstera deliciosa should be okay.”

“I’ve got a couple of my own, mate, it’ll look even better by the time I’m through with it.”

“Thanks.” Stede squeezes Ed’s hand. “There’s… one more thing.”

“Name it.”

“I don’t have my phone right now so I had Mary print out the information. It’s in a folder in that drawer over there.”

Ed pulls out the folder and opens it. He smiles.

“Can you look after it for me, Ed? There’s no one else I’d trust with it.”

Ed chuckles. “Yeah, mate. It would be an honor.”

Chapter 28