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The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

by Christopher Smart

Aug. 13,

DRIVE THRU SEX IS COMING & Hillary Did It

We've got drive-thru burgers, drive-thru banking and drive-thru coffee, so why not drive-thru sex. A new proposal in Berlin would provide “Verichtungsboxen” booths, where prostitutes can hook-up with clients. (The staff here at Smart Bomb would never make up something like this.) The mayor of the German city's central Mitte district has come up with the brainstorm, he says, to improve the safety of local sex workers. And we thought bikini coffee drive-thrus were racy. According to CNN, Berliners could get it to go at the old Tempelhof Airport that has been transformed into a large park that is popular with Rollerbladers — although it's not necessary to skate up to the Verichtungsboxens for a quickie. The initiative comes as residents and businesses are lobbying for a ban on street prostitution. They warn that unregulated street prostitution is leading to sexual services at such low prices that prostitutes are having to engage in “sexual services in bulk” to earn a basic income. It's just more evidence that a free market needs some meaningful regulation.

Hillary Did It

We now know who killed Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire child sex-trafficker. Surprise: It was Hillary Clinton. We know this because President Trump re-tweeted it and later stood by the allegation in an impromptu news conference. But really, it should come as little surprise that Hillary bumped off Epstein. Just ask Jason Chaffetz. There is no end to the foul deeds the former secretary of state and wife of Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton has accomplished right under our noses, according to the former Utah congressman and author of “Hillary Did Everything.” Fact is, Epstein and Bill Clinton were bosom buddies (No pun intended.) And The Donald would know what the skinny is because he was on Jeffrey's tag-team back in the day when they held calendar girl contests at Mar-a-Lago. It's perfectly clear the pedophile did not commit suicide, because one of his lawyers, Allen Dershowitz, surely would get him off, as he did earlier in Florida. And don't think for a minute that it was Trump who had him bumped off, because our president is just too kind for such a thing. He's what you call a true humanitarian. And Barack Obama really was a Muslim from Kenya.

The Healer-In-Chief

And speaking of humanitarians, did you see the photo of the president and the first lady at the El Paso hospital with the two-month-old orphan of two people killed in the mass shooting. Yep, that's Donald with the big, shit-eating grin giving the thumbs up. You see, the president likes to go to each and every mass shooting to heal the country. Remember after the murders of students at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida? The president said he would insist on background checks so mentally-ill maniacs couldn't get weapons of war to mow down innocents. And conveniently, the school was located close enough to Mar-a-Lago so the president could get in a round of golf. That could be why the background thing slipped his mind. But now that 31 people haver been slaughtered in Texas and Ohio, he remembered that's what he was thinking about doing a year-and-a-half ago. See here's the thing, automatic weapons don't kill people. It's mental illness and video games that kill people. Everyone knows that, except Democrats — they still think guns and bullets kill people. There's just no getting through to to some folks.

Be Nice To Chris Stewart

Our Congressman Chris Stewart held a town meeting and people yelled and screamed at him. Poor Chris Stewart. Some of his constituents got pissed-off because he would not disavow President Trump's racism, according to a Salt Lake Tribune story by Lee “The Knife” Davidson. In the wake of El Paso and Dayton, Stewart, citing no evidence whatsoever, said that good people carrying guns stopped mass shootings “more often than you realize.” And he told the crowd they could not blame Trump for inciting violence. As far as he knew, Stewart said, the president had not shot anyone. (He really said that.) One man yelled, “Charles Mason never shot anyone either.” Stewart attempted to soothe the audience by saying, “Could we all agree that racism is wrong and should be condemned,” and, “Could we all agree that violence regardless of the reason should always be condemned?” Yes, Mr. Congressman, and could we also agree that the president of the United States shouldn't call Mexican immigrants rapists who are infesting the country with drugs and crime? Nah, that's a little too much to ask.

Well, that's it for another week of summer fun here at Smart Bomb, where the staff keeps track of plastic pollution, so you don't have to. And since we're on the subject, the Trump for President campaign has introduced Trump Straws. We are not make this up. Trump Straws are made of plastic, of course, to counter those liberal paper straws. The damn liberals want people to use paper straws on account of the ocean is filling up with plastic. Seriously? Next thing you know, they'll come for our AR-15s. But this is still America where we can have as many guns and as much plastic as we want. And don't be fooled by that “well regulated militia” stuff. As Bill O'Reilly would say, El Paso and Dayton and Sandy Hook and Parkland and all the rest are “the price of freedom.” And that, of course, means that all those countries without mass shootings don't have freedom. And so it goes.

The staff here at Smart Bomb, along with Wilson and the Smart Bomb Band are headed out on a road trip to New Mexico, the Land of Enchantment. Of course, Wilson and guys will be in a separate van, so who knows where they'll end up. But with a little luck we'll get away from the 24-hour news cycle that's driving America nuts. Of course, we'll have to avoid those small town cafes where Fox News blares from big screen TVs at breakfast, lunch and dinner. But should we venture forth into such establishments, we'll be sure to request Trump Straws. OK, Wilson, take us out with some tunes for the road:

Get your motor runnin' / Head out on the highway / Lookin' for adventure / And whatever comes our way / Yeah Darlin' go make it happen / Take the world in a love embrace / Fire all of your guns at once / And explode into space...

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