#he’s pulling me down further into his spiraling hell 🖤

[mrsoharaa]

I’m afraid I have fallen in the Suguru pit……immensely.

[soupandsimple]

Better For It (with Sirius Black)

[ your short lived attempt of trying to avoid thinking or talking about Sirius’s time in Azkaban at the start of staying with him ]

* angst / fluff 🖤

This was requested: see the ask here

…………….

It was decided Sirius Black was to stay at Grimmauld Place. And for his sanity, the higher members of the Order suggested someone stay there with him. Instantly, you volunteered.

Before tragedy struck all those years ago on the night of October thirty-first, you and Sirius had a strong friendship. So strong that it reached the stage where it started blossoming into a romantic love. Neither of you had the chance to act on it then because it was around the time all hell broke loose with Voldemort. So where did that leave you now with him?

Since his escape and reunion of the Order, it seemed you were both on the same page to not acknowledge each other romantically but just as old friends. Truth is, you were both afraid to cross a line that either of you might have, which caused for awkwardness and tension which you hoped in time would repair itself.

Back to the present, your first day alone with Sirius began. Mad Eye had just left the house after going through some protective ground rules with Sirius and you upon dropping you off.

“So…” you started.

“So…” Sirius repeated with a small smile.

You giggled and looked away with a blush. You hadn’t spoken one on one with him since his reunion of the Order so you knew it’d be a little weird at first given your past. “You up for some breakfast?” you suggested cheerily then.

“What, you cook now?” Sirius asked, playful astonishment laced in his tone.

You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “Yes I cook now! What do you think, that I live off of take out?”

Sirius looked down at his feet and chuckled. He used to love winding you up because of how cute he found your defensive reactions and it was comforting to know that still hadn’t changed.

“Ugh. C’mon,” you said, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him towards the kitchen, “you can help me and maybe learn a thing or two in the process.”

His hand was currently cold for some reason and it made you think about how long he must have been deprived of a warm touch from another being while locked up but you quickly dismissed those thoughts from mind and led on.

After getting a proper breakfast cooked up, you and Sirius served up your plates and sat at the table to begin eating. The only sound that could be heard for some minutes was your forks hitting against the plates and some quiet chewing.

“This turned out pretty good. Thought I would have messed it up for sure” Sirius eventually said as he picked up a forkful.

You smiled and grabbed your glass of juice for a sip. “Yeah, not bad huh?”

Sirius reciprocated your smile and shook his head.

The awkward silence from before began to build itself up once more and it made you think to yourself that maybe you shouldn’t be there.

Maybe you shouldn’t have volunteered for this. Maybe the tension and awkwardness would never go away. Maybe any connection you had with him in the past, platonic or romantic, should have been left in the past. But before your thoughts could spiral any further, Sirius spoke.

“I meant to write to you, you know. After I escaped. But I refused to risk getting you in trouble in case the letter was intercepted or something.”

You smiled politely and nodded as you looked down and pushed some food around on your plate.

“Also thought about visiting you but of course I didn’t know what your living situation was.. if you were married, had children.. anything like that.”

“Hey, do you want more food? There’s still some left over,” your voice squeaked at your quick attempt to change the topic of conversation.

Sirius scrunched his eyes. “Why are you avoiding it,” he questioned.

You ignored him and asked about the food again. “I think there’s only enough left over for one more plate but that’s okay I’m full, you can have it.”

“Correction, why have you been avoiding it?”Sirius now ignored you.

“Avoiding what?” you sighed, playing clueless as you stood up from your seat with the intention of picking up your empty plate but before you could, Sirius gently grabbed your outstretched wrist.

“Stop trying to run away from this, you know exactly what I’m talking about. You haven’t asked me once about Azkaban or where I’ve been hiding out these past two years or- or if I missed you or how I’m doing now. Nothing.”

Face saddening, you set your plate back down on the table and took a seat in your chair again.

“Y/n,” Sirius said tenderly as his hand delicately slid from your wrist to your hand. “Look at me. You can tell me anything. Please.”

With teary eyes at his plea, you quietly let out with it.

“It’s just… I didn’t want to make you sad or remind you of what you’ve been through by bringing it up.”

“Oh darling girl, we must talk about it. We don’t have to ignore the reality of where I was or what I went through. I think we’ve both seen we can’t just pick up where we left off and pretend those twelve years didn’t happen.”

“But it was so horrible Sirius, I can’t bear the thought of having you relive everything you lived in there. I can’t let your mind go back there, I can’t let you tell me about it and I… I don’t want to be reminded of your absence either” you selfishly concluded, wiping a running tear from your cheek.

A small smile escaped Sirius’s lips upon hearing the last of your words. Given the nature of the conversation, it was absolutely not the time for smiling but to suppress it was impossible because those last words of yours let him know your feelings for him still existed just as his did for you.

“I promise you it’s alright to talk about all that because you see…I’m here with you now” Sirius assured.

He then pulled a handkerchief out from his pocket and leaned over to gently wipe at your tear stained cheeks. “Not only that, but we’ll be better for it if we do.”

You sniffed your nose and looked into his eyes for a moment before agreeing with a nod once you realized he was right. Painful as the past might be, your relationship would never go anywhere if you insisted on ignoring it.

As if on cue, you both stretched over to embrace each other into a hug and for the first time since reuniting, truly indulged in each other’s presence, scent and warmth.

The rest of that day was spent sitting side by side under a blanket on the couch, with a fire warming the room as you talked about what life had been like for each of you during your twelve years apart. And although your heart broke at his share of stories, for the first time in many, many years you felt a sense of peace begin to build within. <3