#he’s lovely and supporting me through the haze I know it’s an unwise distraction and it’s a bit naughty but it’s fucking better than drugs

[episbep]

rehab day nineteen (I think? I’m starting to lose track)

my safe space, my sad view, the place I am crying and learning and feeling and healing ❤️‍🩹 fuck this is hard. my mentality has shifted from wanting to use and missing the “good times*” to being absolutely petrified of going back to that mental place and causing even more harm and damage than I already have. There is so much uncertainty surrounding the impact/consequences of my behaviour and actions and I want to make it all ok right now (typical addict ffs) but until I am in a better headspace I will only continue to cause harm to those that I love and take more than I am able to give back. The euphoric recall has turned to seeing it for what it really was - sitting alone in my room, putting shards above everything important in my life. I have faith that I can build a beautiful life once more but I absolutely must surrender to the program and put my recovery first.

I’ve been searching for Buddhist affirmations or prayers to start the day with and I’m going to start with the one up there👆 I can always switch it up if/when I find others that resonate with me but for now, that’s perfect. My intention is to start each day by reciting my daily affirmations and prayer, attend The Buddhist Centre 7:30 online meditation (Monday to Saturday- recovery meditation recordings on Sundays) and complete my gratitude list and goals for tomorrow each evening. The affirmations I’ve chosen are from the list that we all pick from each morning in treatment, I’ve just narrowed it down to the ones that work for me:

“I am a worthwhile person. I am enough. I am a unique and precious human being, always doing and being the best that I can, always growing in wisdom and love. I am in charge of my life, and am responsible for my feelings and behaviours. I am capable of changing; there is no fixed self. My emotional well-being is primarily dependent on how I treat and love myself. I do not need to prove myself to anyone , I need only express myself as openly and honestly as I am capable. I am not alone for I am one with the universe. I deserve to be loved by myself and others. I live one day at a time and do one thing at a time (keep it simple!)”

*they were not good times. they were fucking up my life times and hurting everyone I hold close to my heart times. They were fucking dark times when I felt that using was my only choice. I am incredibly grateful to be in treatment and to be being helped onto a path where there is light at the end of the tunnel.