#he’s a 35 yr old dumbass fuck boy

[allofuswantgwinam]

I just hung out with one of my bestest friends and the person who probably put up with me the most when i was in my past messy ass relationship. it was kinda surreal to catch him up on everything for so many reasons.

1. I am more of a bad ass than I give myself credit for lol even before I finally caught my ex in his bs officially, those last few months I was not mfing PLAYING. bravo to me, I needed to re read this shit I s2g

2. It’s still a punch in the face. It still feels insane that it’s over forever and that he was not who he portrayed to be at all. it is a fucking big ass knuckle sandwich to my goddamn heart. Unfortunately.

It’s really fucked up how you can give your heart to someone and they don’t have any real intent to keep it safe. to return the love they say they have for you. they say all these things. make all these promises. I mean they really just fucking play you so good and you don’t even see it. and then once you start to see it it’s like “nah it’s not that. I’m tripppin” bc they keep feeding you bs and you believe them but then at the end of it all it’s always the same end game. I used to think that bc I left him that I won. I don’t really feel that way anymore. I will say I did win myself back and i am so grateful that I was strong enough to want myself and not him anymore. but I didn’t win shit. This isn’t what I wanted but I accept things for what they are. I lost in so many more ways than I even want to accept. But I didn’t win this situation. this is the saddest and most painful thing I’ve ever had to get through in my life. It’s really irritating that I even stil care. It will have been a year in about a month or so. I’m still hurting and he’s probably out there still doing the same damn things. It is infuriating to know that I’m left here with all this pain, this self doubt, this fear of ever getting close to anyone again and he is fine. I didn’t win. but I’m glad to lose if that means I get myself back.