#he‘s really taken to it haha

[merriblu]

This one might be his favorite 😂

[brainz4sale]

nn i'm really super nervous to ask this but i really really want to be one of your puppies. i share a lot of your kinks, too, but i really like edging, exhibitionism, and degradation. (im also so happy to be trained to be your perfect pet. i really love that

as for an anon emoji, is 🐾 taken?

sure! 🐾 aw I literally talk to anyone here unless their like super creepy so don’t be shy puppy! I love all kinds of pets and subs <3 as long as they aren’t lazy with words and give me something back for my service like admiration / submission I’m happy

BUT in order to become my official sub we have to talk for a while and you would have to absolve a big task in order to deserve a official contract with me and become my slave ! @iwasabadboii is currently absolving his task like a good boyyy~ he’s not allowed to cum for a week, even if it’s full of teasing and edging! Already three days in now and he‘s doing so great for me, but I haven’t really started yet haha

[curlyhairedprince]

(same anon)RIGHT?? 😭 it's so weird, but at least she's seeing the light now lol. also, i genuinely wonder how people can still believe it, because everything else aside if my boyfriend broke his arm like that i'd be on a plane in a heartbeat, especially when my only job is influencer and he's a multimillionaire 🤡

true love really, I also would not support my boyfriend in the slightest ❤️ i mean i get it if it‘s like okay I know he‘s being taken care of and I have to work/ obligations of my own but posting yourself going out partying? Funny haha. But tbh, I do think they are going the oh they are not dating anymore route and just ignoring it, like I think they want us to believe they‘ve broken up, or are at least in a very rocky place

[drangues]

I’m sleeping, don’t worry- I’m just a naturally tired person, I guess? And I respond as I’m about to go to sleep, because I’d feel bad leaving it until the next morning. Anyways, for some reason Atsushi with a vending machine,,, Cute,, I feel like he’d just be very- Maybe not amazed, but happy? At food being readily available for such little money (I feel like he’d especially like the hot item vending machines that I’ve heard about, haha). (Nyanon, 1/5)

Kenji and Kyouka would hold hands, you’re right and you should say it. They like swinging their arms together as they walk. Moving on from vending machines- Listen, Chuuya and Dazai are both chaotic bastards and they will absolutely fist fight each other when given the opportunity. This is only exacerbated by children having Awful Impulse Control. I love it (also, Chuuya no, talking about that in line where strangers can hear will give them Bad Ideas about that scenario). And! (Nyanon, 2/5)

Of course I like your art!!! The colors are always chosen very well, your styling is very,, smooth? Is that the word I’m looking for? Either way, it’s very nice to look at! And the way you draw eyes is amazing, I’m a sucker for well drawn eyes, as weird as that sounds. Anyways, I’m glad we agree that Fukuzawa makes a nice “queen” who just wants to be able to pet cute cats... Someone bring him one from the normal world!!! Let him spoil a kitty,, (Nyanon, 3/5)

Let him take all the pictures he desires, the man deserves it. And I’m just,,, I know using “overused” tropes is okay but I am: An Anxiety. At all times, I’m nervous about some non existent rule. It’s stupid but them’s the breaks, I guess. Anyways, YEAH I could see the kids surviving somehow... Actually, maybe that’s how Oda adopts him? Atsushi runs away from the orphanage, and comes across some guys kidnapping? A bunch??? Of kids? After he‘s been on the streets. (Nyanon, 4/5)

And since he wants to be a Good Person, he intervenes, panics, and squirrels the kids away at wherever he’s hiding. Cue family shenanigans once Oda finds them all. Moving on to a Scenario Concept, however: Somehow, someway, every person working with the ADA has taken to writing fanfiction, or drawing art. The kicker is that they’re all fans of each other’s works, and they somehow? Never??? Noticed??? Who their favorite artists/writers/analysts were. At most, Ranpo figures it out. (Nyanon, 5/5)

ohhh a naturally tired person!! im the same, yet im also energetic, it doesnt make sense but ill be yelling in your ear and then the next second sleep in class. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA KENJI WOULD DEFINITELY SWING HIS ARM AND KYOUKA WOULD DO THAT CALM SHY SMILE AS HES SMILING REALLY WIDE PLS HES REALLY HER SUNFLOWER BOY<333 

y-you think my colours are chosen W E L L ??? *slaps knee and wheezes, turns around and cries* ive been struggling s o hard with colour theory and just hating how it LOOKS and it never looking “right” so that comment made me HAPPY and uwuwuwu i love drawing eyes, tho it can be a pain in the ass . especially when i try to get it in bsd’s anime style

well i can reassure you as many times as you want uwu no worries, your anxiety is not a burden to anybody but yourself (since it tells you wacko stuff smh) but ooo!!! maybe atsushi saves the kiddos from the bomb and oda finds them and is like “thank god youre safe” and out of the corner of his eyes he sees a kid whos older, around dazais age whos just standing awkwardly with ragged clothes “who are you?” he asks, and the boy answers “atsushi” and oda wonders where his parents are so he asks that and thats when he learns atsushi is Indeed an orphan

which is why odas like “get in loser we’re going to get you a nice family” and atsushis like O-Okay . either way, after the near death experience of his K I D S oda is like fUCK this life im out so he yeets out, not without telling dazai tho (which is what makes dazai leave maybe??? i dont kNOW)

AFGHJEKESHJDKZ THEM WRITING FANFIC AND DRAWING FANART OF EACH OTHERS WORKS IS SEENDDINGG MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

[etherealblasphemy]

the story that doesn’t know what genre it wants to be

my brain had an idea for a sci-fi/adventure/dystopia story, and here we are. we have the wonderful Sanders Sides in the starring roles, along with some ocs because I needed to put the name “calrex bennova” somewhere. enjoy my headcannons as offering #1 :)

The Universe:

-Made up of thousands of galaxies, what we mortals call “AUs”

-Common languages include Laolae, Kirou, Aresan, and Falafel (I was hungry writing this)

-Rumors say that there is a dangerous creature lurking in the cold depths of space, but only conspiracy theorists on message holograms would believe that...

-Strings of galaxies are often ruled under one leader, because most species are kind and have their act together unlike humans

-Speaking of humans, Earth is dead. :) there was a great meme war (haha no, it was something much more dark...)

-Logan, Roman, Patton, and Virgil are all outlaws aboard the ship Sanders Yersinia, all with prices on their heads.

Logan:

-A highly advanced prototype of AI-ingrained people. They look like people, function like people, but don’t have icky emotions get in the way of reasoning and judgement.

-Oops Logan’s creator made a mistake so Logan does have something resembling emotions.

-His original name is L.O.G.I.C., but whatever it stood for was lost to a fire, in which Logan’s creator also perished. Patton called him Logan by accident, and the name just stuck.

-He is wanted for trying to break into a laboratory to “fix” himself and reprogram himself.

-Logan is quiet and suffers from love... of learning. He unfortunately doesn’t have infinite memory, so he sometimes must delete some of his knowledge in order to acquire new information.

-He is actually connected to the Cloud, which remained after Earth screwed themselves, so he understands all human languages and also has a secret habit of going onto human websites like Tumblr and YouTube. (He enjoys book commentaries and audiobooks.)

-The most mature of the crew of Sanders Yersinia; plays adult way too often for his liking

Roman Prionsa:

-A usurped prince from the Galaxy DR-34-M (i’m not creative lololol),  on the run from the new King’s soldiers, who want to finish the job of destroying the royal family.

-The biggest idiot of the crew

-After Virgil introduced him to Disney, with the (unwilling) help of Logan, Roman won’t stop singing the songs and quoting them from heart. Virgil regrets his decision.

-He suffers from constant nightmares, in which his family is burned alive at the stake at the hands of the one who exiled him and he can do nothing but watch.

-Roman is very generous and understanding and gentle to everyone but can be extra and obnoxious with the flip of a Bitch Switch, which has landed the crew in several less-than-optimal situations.

-One time Roman tried to out-flirt a mermaid on an aquaterrestrial planet and ending up burning down a couple trees and getting his head blown up double its size by said mermaid. (“It’s finally big enough to fit your ego!” -Virgil)

-Despite his overly-dramatic “charm”, he won’t hesitate do run into battle if it means saving his crew members or innocent bystanders. He will also be extremely serious when the time calls for it.

-He occasionally wears make-up because a pRINCE HAS GOT TO SLAY

-Oh Roman also has butterfly wings he can unveil at any time and an everlasting flower crown/halo of light around his head. He was born glamorous.

Patton Hart:

-His real name is Pattryon Heartasea, but “Patton Hart” is so much easier to say (and it doesn’t autocorrect, so there’s that, too).

-He lived in a magical world called Noira, and is called a Drisine, also known as Shapeshifters.

-Patton’s “true form” is a woodland creature similar to a centaur, but galloping is not allowed in the ship, so he has to settle for running around as a human. Patton’s true form is beautiful, full of flowers and cookies and everything fluffy ever to exist. You will actually die if you look upon his true form (unless you’re a Drisine yourself) because no-one can handle something so pure.

-He has telekinesis, enhanced reflexes, and a larger spectrum of emotions.

-This makes it harder from him to articulate his feelings, leaving him feeling misunderstood and sad.

-The crew is known as the Patton Protection Squad, and will hunt down and destroy anyone who even looks at Patton wrong. They are alternatively known as the Virgil Protection Squad.

-Patton loves baking and enjoys visiting markets on whichever planet they visit to gain new recipes and is already to cook for his fellow crew mates.

-He is the closest thing the crew has to a fighter/soldier. But Patton doesn’t believe in hurting others who’re just doing what they’re told, so he refuses to fight, much to the dismay of everyone else.

-His crime is refusing to fight. Noira is very close to Roman’s home planet, and thus is also under the rule of Roman’s family. As a teenager Drisine (his seventies in human years), he refused to fight for the royal family because it was against his morals and was thusly imprisoned.

-Roman, on a tour on the castle in preparation for the day he would succeed his parents, saw Patton in a cell and immediately had him freed.

-Roman and Patton are now inseparable friends and will die for each other without hesitation.

Virgil Sorge:

-The last survivor from Earth. He witnessed its destruction and is now anxious that every little thing will destroy the last things he loves in his life.

-He was 20 when he was picked up by a alien ship surrounded by blue and red lights.

-He‘s quiet and moody and has really low alcohol tolerance, as discovered by Roman.

-One of the only things from Earth that he took with him is his hoodie, which his mother hand-knit for him for his sixteenth birthday and is basically the last thing he has to remind him of her.

-He knows every MCR, P!ATD, TOP, FOB, Green Day, Black Veil Brides, NateWantsToBattle, and Ivalo song there ever was (note: ivalo is not a real band, please don’t be confused when search results yield nothing about them).

-He’s overprotective of his crew members and is always the first one to offer medical help in any situation.

-Virgil is Logan’s apprentice. Logan knows there will be a day that he will break, so he’s training Virgil to do all of his jobs when that day comes. Virgil, of course, just thinks Logan wants to show off his knowledge, but he’ll do anything that’ll prove his worth.

-Virgil technically never committed any crime, he was just so grateful to be saved from the dying Earth that he fought alongside the crew and eventually people just decided four troublemakers in jail is better than three.

Calrex Bennova:

-My OC who I love. go and fight me. You can’t win against someone with a name this cool.

-Calrex is from a planet lost to time and space. They hardly remember anything from their past, other than screaming and their parents’ silver eyes full of tears. (Foreboding, I know. You’re welcome my brain writes nothing but angst)

-If they were human, they were be a mix between Alaskan Native American, Latinx, East Asian, and Pacific Islander. They basically look like a fusion between Yuuri Katsuki, Moana, Miguel from Coco, and an Inuit (I can’t name any Alaskan Native Americans because there’s NO REPRESENTATION in the media).

-They’re originally found by the crew in a dark back alley behind a pub called “Sleeping Stars” and are taken into the crew because 1. they’re a badass bitch and the crew needs an actual fighter and 2. they have some pretty rough injuries.

-When they wake up, they freak because why are they in a spaceship? and why is someone watching them as if they care? and if they don’t want to claim the bounty on their head, and they don’t want their body, what the fUCK DO THEY WANT? FRIENDSHIP?

-Cal is known intergalatically as “The Pirate” because they have a history of petty offenses. Oh, and they also are rumored to have wiped out an entire galaxy without mercy. But even Cal doesn’t remember that, so...

-They always wear combat boots. Always. Even to bed.

-Their first night in the ship, they refuse to sleep with everyone else in the Dorms, so they sleep in the Control Center on the floor. But a mysterious member of the crew brings a sleeping Cal a blanket and a pillow :) kindness still exists, happily

Thomas:

-The Sanders Yersinia’s A.I.

-Loves making puns, overanalyzing every possible outcome of every possible situations, informing their passengers of useful information at the worst possible moment, and playing Disney songs to wake Roman up from his beauty sleep.

-Logan even designed an avatar for Thomas that appears on the screen, though only his waist above is ever shown.

-He can never be sad. Ever. You are doomed to always have an optimist’s perspective at the worst of moments.

woooo I think this is long enough for now. AnYwHo, I hope you enjoyed reading my first attempt at creating an AU; hopefully I didn’t bore you all to death. Apparently some of you all actually wanted this, so here’s my first attempt at a tag list (so many firsts aaaaaahhhhhh...)

@asofterfan

@alix-the-skeleton

@hufflepuffsscrewdriver

@v-blue-writer

thank you all for wanting this and actually motivating me to write something :)

[fyodor-dostoyevsky]

That one ice skating anime that took over the world. (And my thoughts on it, because I had to let them out.)

Ajdkhgkh it took me forever to get to here, honestly. I forgot when the last ep of Yuri on Ice even aired? Was it two or three weeks ago? Well, it isn‘t as important, I suppose. Before I delve into my thoughts, I just want to say one thing, though: this is my blog, and this is my opinion. You are allowed to agree or disagree with it, but I ask one thing of you - please be respectful when/if you state your opinion. I won‘t go flaming or bitching over anyone here, and I‘d like to expect the same courtesy back. Thank you!

This has been a trip. At first I‘ve thought I‘d never go through watching this anime at all because the toxicity and negative opinions of a few members of fanbase that I had on my previous blog‘s dash completely turned me off; it got seriously out of control. I literally had no idea how it turned into YOI hate place, and... quite frankly, I hated it; I didn‘t need it, I didn‘t ask for it, neither did I sign up for it. It got far enough for me to block the whole tag altogether for a little while and stop thinking about anime altogether. Which is sad. Because, despite how many flaws the anime does have and I will not deny them/will touch upon them shortly, there is still a sweet and beautiful story hidden within it. There‘re a few aspects of it that could definitely be executed differently, and better, but... I grew to like it, despite its flaws thanks to a few wonderful people on my new dash that raised my interest back and made me love it all over again. I thank you for that, guys! I‘m glad I gave it another chance.

The first couple of episodes definitely hook you up; Yuuri, despite being quite a typical anime protagonist, with his upbeat voice and slightly hilarious personality grows to your heart rather quickly. It‘s really easy to feel for him in these eps, and it‘s really easy to sympathise with him, and how he feels in regards of his skating career, Viktor, and himself. However, I will not ever deny that I did not like Yuuri one bit for a little long after those first couple of eps passed. I do not know if it was because how quick-paced the anime got all of a sudden - his fears, his emotions, his mind process couldn‘t get through and to me no matter what. And I did try to like him, I did try to sympathise, I did try to see what the authors wanted to portray. But I just couldn‘t.

There are many flaws in this anime (with portrayal of Yuuri‘s fears in next ep or two being one of them), but this one was particularly apparent to me - the pace. Everything, every single episode after the third one was just too quick for me to follow; too many characters introduced at once, and I couldn‘t, for the love of anything, get to know them as much as I wanted to or should have. It all took quite a bit of time to settle down, and quite a bit of thought collecting to understand. But despite all that? I still grew to love the anime all the same. Especially because I did grow used to the pace although I did wish for a slower one, and perhaps a filler ep or two of showing what happened between these tournaments so I could feel with these characters more, and sympathise with them more.

Now, you‘re probably wondering why am I bringing up all the negative points if I still loved it so much - my answer to that is simple. I‘m bringing them up because I know they‘re there. I know it isn‘t perfect, and in a lot of ways it didn‘t meet my expectations or made me understand where the whole hype train for it came from. I‘m not going to say this anime‘s the best of the best, because it‘s not. But what I‘ll say is that‘s definitely a very enjoyable and sweet, if you‘re ready to look past its flaws. And I am, and I was.

Anyways, on the matter of Yuuri - I was quite concerned about how this will go through, and if I‘ll even be able to like him after again. My SO, who watched the anime with me, kept me up to date on where should I be careful, and might find him slightly irritating, if I may say so. It was quite amusing, though, because where they‘d told me I‘ll be the most annoyed with him, I actually liked him the most - it was the scene on that (underground?) parking lot, where Victor tells him he‘s going to quit being his coach if he doesn‘t perform up to standards. I‘m not sure which ep that was, I‘m sorry guys! That‘s where the authors, in my opinion, hit the right buttons for me. Up until then, I didn‘t feel Yuuri‘s anxiety and fears, and well as concerns at all, let alone his performances as skater. But after that? It‘s plain as day for me; his performances defnitely shifted around. And all I could think was FINALLY, I‘m able to love this boy (again). Perhaps I was just always a little too harsh on him altogether, expected too much, - but it was really good to see him finally open up and share his fears with the one he‘s supposed to trust the most. Ever since then? He was way easier to watch, and way easier to understand. And now I can proudly say I love him quite a lot. He‘s matured afterwards; it‘s a slow process, but it‘s definitely there.  

I‘ll touch upon russian Yuri second, because I have quite a bit of baggage to drop for Victor, but only a few words for this boy. He‘s been my favorite since very beginning, and it stayed so until last. It was beyond beautiful to see him grow into what he was at the end of the series; I love how he kept his grump. It‘s what makes him, him. And I just, love him a lot haha. (BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT‘S WITH THAT ROMANTIC RANDOM SCENE WITH OTABEK HAHA. It was so cute, don‘t get me wrong. But def a smart shipbait! I mean, I love those two together all the same anyway.~)

Now my dear Victor... I honestly, and truly won‘t ever understand where did all the hate for him come from. Just like any other character in the series, he‘s just a man. With quite a personality, but he‘s h-u-m-a-n, and I‘ll stress that out to everyone. I can understand some may not like him for that, though, I suppose. It‘s really hard to read people who‘re generally desplayed as mysterious, upbeat and cheerful and just outright hilarious (if you ask me, though, part of this was made for a sole purpose of him being somewhat like a comic relief, but there‘s definitely a layer or two besides that).

But like, through each and every ep, I could see him genuinely care for Yuuri (in his own way, but it was there)? He gave him advice (because he knew Yuuri more than anyone else) and Yuuri decided to diss them outright, he dragged him away when he was feeling stressed, he slept on him so he couldn‘t get up and get some rest, he covered his ears so he wouldn‘t listen and rise his anxiety up further - I remember reading a lot of shit thrown at him after he threw an ultimatum at Yuuri about how he wanted to quit being his coach -- but honestly, if you watched closely, if you observed every scene before that one, you could see that was the only thing he could do or think of that he did not do already.

You must understand he is not a professional counsellor, and he did not sign up to be one. He signed up to be a professional ice skating coach, and he had standards to uphold. Besides that, if we just see him as Yuuri‘s boyfriend, he‘s human. He tried everything, and nothing got through Yuuri. So the last thing he thought about is shattering that little that was left (perhaps a wall Yuuri built around himself) -- and guess what, despite some may call it ‚manipulative‘ or ‚abusive‘, it worked on Yuuri. He opened up. He cried. He finally let out everything that worried him. That‘s the most important thing that happened there, more important than how his words came across to some of the watchers (it‘s still all individual‘s interpretation), more important than nitpicking them. He opened up to him. He told him exactly what he wants. And did Victor give him anything else? No. He gave him what was asked of him. It may not have been the perfect confrontation, it may have hurt as hell, but in my opinion, it had to be done. Again, a lot of this would be better and clearer if the series actually showed how much they trained together and everything Victor gave out for Yuuri in that training. But a lot of that was skipped out in favor to progress the series faster, so I can understand how some people could not see the development that happened between.

A lot of hate discussions I happened to read back then were also based on his broken promise to Yuri. If you ask me, he never forgot about it. In my opinion, he‘s too smart to forget about something like that. He may not have been next to Yuri as he said he would be, he may not have watched his every step, but the way I‘ve seen it was that he knew Yuri could do just fine without him/would do even better if he wasn‘t there, next to him. He knew he was strong enough; capable enough. And he knew his debut would be great and it was in the end. He was able to pull it off. Perhaps that‘s just my view on this, and I may as well be wrong - but I‘m absolutely certain he did not just forget about him out there. Episode 10 shows fairly well how much he knows all the skaters - I‘m sure he knew Yuri quite well, as well. I also would like to touch upon the scene that did, indeed, shake me up a little bit (and has again gained Victor lots of hate again, haha). I‘ll say I do not agree with it (though Yuri did kick Victor a few times quite hard himself); the reaction could‘ve as weel been very different; Victor could‘ve taken another route. But in my opinion, this one lays on the writers themselves. It was exectured very poorly, indeed. However, I think what they wanted to represent with it way one of the Victor‘s flaws/the way he can be if someone pisses him off very much. Again, could‘ve been executed a lot better, and maybe they should‘ve taken a different route for this one. But I won‘t defend Victor on this action - I believe, as an adult, he should‘ve taken another route. (We can‘t always get what we want though, and sometimes must accept what we get instead. Will this scene make me love Victor less, though? Likely not. I wanna clarify though, again. I do not support force as an educational action. However, we all know it‘s there; sometimes it can be inevitable. And with that I mean when somebody really messes up - or, I dunno. Perhaps this is just Eastern outlook, though. As someone who comes from one of the Slavic countries and was raised on a few principles that could indeed be questionable elsewhere, I can say I can partly understand Victor here. But then none of the series is truly based on the real world so?? That probably shouldn‘t be an excuse to make for him here.)    

Holy cow, this is getting long, but I suppose I have a lot to say here, though I do think I‘ve covered most of the main points here. Perhaps I could stop by the Victuuri as a ship, and if their relationship is toxic and unhealthy or not. I honestly didn‘t see it as unhealthy (again, my opinion here). More than that, I‘ve probably seen it as a little unrealistic - but beautiful nevertheless. I MEAN, IT‘S FICTION IN THE END. I do not think Yuuri was the one who was dependant on Victor (maybe he was, but only at the begginig) - I think it was actually the other way around, mainly because I believe Victor ran away from all the pressure, from all the expectations he got from all over the world, from everything he had to get through by his own self through all these years to find the love for skating he once had. Yuuri was his solace, his safe haven. And I think I‘m allowed to find that beautiful. Meanwhile, he was a good influence on Yuuri - he gave him that strength he lacked and faith in himself and his abilities, he helped him grow; helped him (partly) overcome his anxiety at least. In the end it wasn‘t just some kind of an unhealthy obsession - if he had to, I strongly believe he‘d do just fine without Victor at this point (but he doesn‘t have to). They both have their strengths and weaknesses, and they balance each other out. And what I love the most out of it all? There‘s no OMFG I‘M GAY WHAT IF HE HATES ME FOR THAT; OMFG HE’D NEVER LOOK AT ME THAT WAY AHHH; OMFG WHAT IF WORLD HATES ME FOR IT stuff that‘s overused in BL content/fetishised in a lot of writing I see around. And man, that‘s refreshing as hell.

[diegest]

I stumbled upon a picture via Facebook of my ex last night and I think that’s partially why I came to the decision to contact him if Ivy’s health gets worse. He never had a Facebook or any kind of social media so the moments he’d make an appearance on my timeline post-breakup all those years ago have been extremely few and far between.

It’s almost jarring. I had one specific prom picture we took together as my phone wallpaper for years. His hair was so full and his eyes were so icy blue besides that little brown fleck in one eye. He was kempt. Muscular but not overly bulky. He had a goatee for years which I loved and adored. He was funny and sharp.

In this specific picture, he’s at his adopted moms birthday party at an Asian cuisine restaurant in Jeff City I’m familiar with. He’s bulkier, though I can’t tell by the picture if it’s a combination of muscle and fat or just fat from his genetics and what I’m aware of in his family history and gene pool. His hair is very clearly thin in comparison to our time together and he’s wearing a hat. He never wore hats while we were together as it was universally accepted that they didn’t suit him (his words). He’s also wearing glasses. He never wore glasses while we were together, though he did own a pair he hated. His goatee is now a full-on beard. He looks like a completely, totally different person I would undoubtably not recognize if we happened to be the same bar, restaurant, or social commitment together.

He’s sitting next to a girl he’s clearly with now. She has nice teeth and a pretty smile. She’s bulkier than me. She looks like she has similar hair that I have in that it’s fine, but that’s what I can guess from it being pulled back. She looks almost familiar in some way but I don’t know her by name. If anything, she looks identical to a girl I went to college with with a completely different name.

It’s been three years and it’s so...odd feeling looking at a picture of someone who, at one point in your life, was your world. Your absolute world. The place you’d fall back on for comfort. Your support. Your safety net. It’s such an odd feeling not having that familiarity anymore and seeing those changes. It’s weird thinking that just 3 years and some change ago, I would have done everything to fix things even though I knew he wasn’t the one for me and that our time together just ran it’s course. It’s weird seeing a picture of him and remembering those moments together so clearly and wondering/hoping if he’s happy. And it’s weird seeing the picture all these years later and thinking he wasn’t the one for me and having no desire to take a peek into what life would have been like had we continued onward and potentially made it to our 10 year anniversary.

I don’t think I would have been happy. But it’s still a thought. And it circles back to my previous thought and wonder, “is he happy?”

Was the weight gain a symbol of exponential happiness after moving back to be with his family and being able to eat more frequently after we had struggled to afford food together? Was the thinning of hair more of a genetic thing, a steady decline from the side effects of his medication he was put on after that bad car accident, or do I have something to do with it because of the stress I put on him? Was the deterioration of his vision imminent or was it contributed to the years of choosing to not wear the glasses and just finally finding someone he feels comfortable wearing them around? Is the growth of his facial hair due to whatever work he’s doing these days finally allowing him to let it grow? Or is it due to a decline in mental health and general lack of upkeep? Is it because she likes beards and he finally just has the opportunity to let it grow? What would he say about me if he saw me or saw a picture of me? Would he, too, compare my body to then? Would he point out my shorter, lighter colored hair? How my nose had finally completely healed from its surgery? Would he be able to see my gain in confidence in my change in posture? If he saw a video of me, would he see how much I’ve opened up with my mannerisms and even just my slight increase in comfort in being able to sing in front of other people finally? Would he see me and think I, too, look like a completely different person with a million memories attached just as I feel about him?

So many weird questions from one single picture. I do hope he’s happy though. Even when I was right off the cusp of just having ended things with him, I only wanted him to find happiness and comfort where I could no longer really provide due to my own lack of happiness and personal comfort. Even in the months leading up to the breakup when I knew he wasn’t the one for me and dealing with the hurdles of sharing a lease in a failing relationship, I still wanted nothing more than to see him be happy again. I sincerely hope she makes him happy because he deserves nothing but the best. And I hope whatever he’s up to these days, I hope he‘s able to find personal fulfillment and joy in all of it. I hope he’s still his humorous, sharp self and life hasn’t taken that away from him. And, sincerely, I hope the fallout from our relationship was able to open doors for him in the same way it was able to open doors for me and that I haven’t been any sort of a hindrance on his life since then. If anything, I hope I was a source of growth for him and a push he needed for his current relationship as they both deserve nothing but the best.

I should finally sleep and stop over-analyzing a single picture, haha.