#he was intended to be a physical assistant and defense bot

[artvann]

do we like him

i forgor to color his hair in properly

[my-writings-and-musings]

Could you perphaps do hc for Blitzwings reaction to his tiiny human S/O being hurt because the Autobots accidentally collapsed something on them in a fight because they didn't know they were there

I'm not quite as knowledgeable on TFA but I did a crash course and rewatched some of my favorite bits so I hope this fits what you had in mind!

·The size of all earth life respective to Cybertronians means that, even when absolute care is maintained by all, the odds of a nearby human staying safe are far from optimal when bots fight. This is a reality Blitzwing has had to consider carefully since bringing you into his life. Generally his solution has been to keep you as far away from his "work" as physically possible, but unfortunately enough for him, it occasionally tracks him to you. All he can do when that happens one day is insist you take cover in a nearby abandoned building while he goes on the attack. You heed him without question despite your worry for his safety, knowing that he tends to fight less effectively when stressed due to his personalities clashing, and also because his stories about "Autobots" paint a very brutal picture...

·The Autobots outnumber him as they move in, their goal being to drive him away from what they presume to be a human endangering mission, but it's quite obvious who has the advantage once things get started. You can soon hear him holding his own even from your little hiding spot, the roar of battle shaking the very ground beneath your feet, and a thick accent returning combat banter with ease. The Autobots may just be trying to guide the triple changer outside of civilization, but they still end up being driven back themselves quite swiftly, though they of course are unaware it's because he won't be leaving while you are in cover. He's hardly reveling in victory while holding his ground, as frankly he just wants to get this over with and return to you, for what was supposed to be an enjoyable day in this deserted area of the city... His Hothead self boils in rage at having lost precious time, which results in him focusing everything on driving the meddlesome Autobots into retreat as aggressively as possible. You're more than worth letting enemies get away just this once, but he fully intends on leaving them with a few scars for the trouble.

·The strategy appears to work, at least from your perspective, in that their responding attacks start to become more focused on distraction than corralling. He's told you enough about combat for you to recognize suppressive fire as the typical tactic of those seeking to retreat, and you find yourself sighing in relief from your crawlspace, hearing the blaster fire grow less frequent with every passing second. Being more or less ambivalent to the Autobots means that just seeing them leave is the ideal ending for you. Blitzwing gladly notes their impending escape with a touch of pride at having saved his tiny partner, ignoring that the Autobots are probably only giving up so easily because they've come to the baffling and somewhat accurate conclusion he's not here for anything malicious. There's scattered talk of establishing a perimeter to keep him from trying anything where humans actually live, but it's fading quickly as the team prepares an obvious final retreat.

·Blitzwing so delighted to be saving you that he'll smoothly alternate personalities to let them have a turn at the feeling, or at least, what each considers to be the feeling of victory. The thought of being your savior is appealing to all of them if he's quite honest, and admittedly he can't wait to gloat on his rescue to you in person. Unfortunately, his happiness is cut short when the Autobots just so happen to include the building you're shielding yourself within amongst their final shots, unintentionally causing dilapidated supports to crumble under the gunfire they only unleashed to distract. You don't have time to run before things collapse all around you, but you do manage to catch a glimpse of his expression before everything goes dark, and the sight of his hand reaching in your direction is the last thing you see... His concern for the battle ceases in that instant. Your tiny body, so fragile and soft he'd teased you for your lack of armor every time he'd held you, was now beneath countless tons of rubble he might never clear away in time... if there was still any time.

·Confused Autobots are left gaping as he turns tail to start digging into the remains of the building in a frenzy. His personalities start to fight for control, and for those listening he becomes and endless loop of arguments with himself while digging for what can't actually be a human, right? Because it sounds like he mentioned the word human but that must be a mistake, certainly? But if there's even a chance... Programming to fight Decepticons clashes with oaths to protect organic life, and Optimus is forced to act and offer assistance to the panicked con, an offer that is initially met with threats before his desperation results in him caving to the reassurance that any human within is their responsibility to rescue. Only his love for you could lead to him accepting help from Autobots, but he's still much too worried to feel very self conscious, because each minute is far too precious to waste.

·You aren't entirely aware of your own survival. Though you can hear heavy movement from the outside of your little crawlspace, battered and barely conscious as you are, only the faintest hint of a shout heavily colored with a familiar accent gives you hope help is near. Servos capable of warping steel overturn literal tons of rubble with each swipe in his desperate hazes, resulting in boulders of debris flying in the wake of an impossibly determined Decepticon. The Autobot's calls for strategy and teamwork are only met with silence or threats; if the human in this rubble can't be recovered, then he'll make certain their body isn't alone. He ignores their resulting debate with Optimus over whether or not to continue assisting. All that matters is you, his unexpected treasure amongst the cold chaos, and his absolute refusal to lose you while there's still a flicker of his spark in existence.

·Light strikes your eyes without much warning as the rubble above you shifts, forcing you to flinch in your tiny space and cough as the dust irritates your lungs, which in accordance with your current luck sends a pang through probably broken ribs. The only silver lining to it all is that your noises create an immediate reaction up above. Increasingly clearer voices come as the window of light grows and boulders of debris trapping you in are removed, spurring you to cover your eyes as the final hunk of mortar is removed and you're blessed with a rush of cool, fresh air as the sunshine streams in. To your incredible surprise the gruff voice that speaks first to comfort you is not one you know. There's hardly time for your dizzy head to wrap itself around the phenomenon before large but gentle hands reach down to skillfully pluck you free, but the relief of being rescued doesn't last long, and trouble is brewing even before you discern the team of surprised and worried faces circling you as the Autobots.

·You're in the hands of the Autobot medic when Blitzwing sees you've been pulled, injured but alive, from the collapsed building. His joy at seeing you breathing is matched only by his terror to see you in the hands of his enemy, which quickly turns into far more usable rage as he jumps back into rescuing you from the threat that started everything. Shouts to unhand you are his only warning before a charge, one that's quickly called as a bluff when he refuses to risk your safety and skids to a halt before his enemies. The same medic holding you carefully in his hands stares down the much larger triple changer without a flinch, though the remaining bots encircle him protectively, warning him not to hurt this human in their ignorance. A standoff forms in the tense moments where Blitzwing borders on panic, alternating between threats and demands and barely disguised pleading for the return of the human whilst the bots remain steadfast in their assumed defense. It's only through sheer grumpy determination that the medic, who you learn in this moment is called "Ratchet", is able to briefly cut through the shouting and try to force an understanding, starting with the fact that if any of them care about human safety they'll let him give this one some much needed help. Unfortunately mutual distrust keeps both sides moments from launching a new attack.

·You're in no position to fight and free yourself from the ambulance turned robot holding you, but even as Blitzwing stands just ahead and looks to you with that helpless expression, you realize you don't think you need to. There's no aggression in the arms supporting your battered body, just the cautious concern of an expert. But you know your partner; he feels deeply, and once his emotions take off he struggles to listen to reason. Thus you decide to speak up and help Ratchet act as mediator, partly to be relieved of at least a bit of this pain, but also to get back to the mech who you know only wants to see you safe. The hardest part is keeping down a cough as you try to speak...

·Everything stops when the voice of a weak and battered human pipes up, silencing the still intermittent arguing and turning the attention of all gathered bots to them. Blitzwing drops the entirety of his aggressive stance once he focuses only on you, stepping closer only to be stopped by the rest of the still distrustful Autobots. Your gentle pleading for him to stay calm and hear them out stops a brawl from erupting once again, and also creates a wave of surprise amongst the Autobots; this Decepticon has befriended a human?! His Icy personality is colder and more in control than ever when he prompts the medic to lay out his plans for your care, followed by a warning that you will decide whether or not to accept it, and that if they attempt to force anything on you or take you away there will be no Autobots left on earth by the time he stops them.

·Ratchet is mercifully to the point when he explains that he merely wants to ensure there is no immediate danger from your injuries, and to provide some basic aid to tide you over until a human proffesional can assist. In the grip of rather considerable pain, you can't help but concede to the logic of the plan, looking to your partner so he can see the certainty in your eyes as you express your consent. Ever true to his word regarding you, the triple changer nods his own assent, but insists he will be by your side through it all. Ratchet is able to locate a more sheltered location nearby, and despite the complaints of his fellows agrees to render aid in private, with only his patient and the Decepticon in question to assist him. The distrust crackling through the air makes it quite difficult for you to be relieved at the prospect of medical attention.

·Blitzwing is there for you at every moment, letting your tiny hand squeeze his large servo as the medic patches you up, his dexterity surprising you almost as much as the human medical kit he carries "for the sake of a different human that frequently gets herself hurt". Every whimper of pain from you makes the Decepticon growl through his whispered comforts to you, and by the time the medic has the immediate damage bandaged and secure each of Blitzwing's three personalities has had a turn threatening the old medic. Ratchet doesn't even seem to mind as he strongly encourages you to head for a hospital while he finishes putting away his supplies. The rest of the Autobots leave with a tense and awkward parting (as well as a few murmured apologies) that includes a promise that this incident may change things for Blitzwing, should he be so inclined... An Icy expression only bids them farewell, and when the two of you are alone he finally holds you close, whispering a thousand apologies for failing to protect you from his war. Though you hardly feel prepared to understand a several million year conflict, you embrace him in return, able to take a moment to just appreciate being back with your love. The moment only ends when he, somewhat bashfully, asks what a hospital is and if you could more effectively be transported there via tank or jet?

[artemisegeria]

Five Times Vision Saved Wanda and One Time She Saved Him

A/N: Inspired by @mximoffromanoff’s prompt for someone to write a fic where Wanda was a civilian that Vision saved during the Battle of Sokovia and fic based on that prompt. Also, numerous other liberties taken with canon, and everyone survives Endgame. This grew way longer than I initially intended (now at about 5K words).

Warnings: some language and innuendo, dehumanizing language used against Vision (which is roundly criticized)

Summary: Vision and Wanda save each other in ways big and small.

I.

Vision rose higher so that he could scan the skies for any struggling civilians. Most of them were already safely loaded on the SHIELD lifeboats, but he saw one young woman aimlessly wandering through the streets, seemingly heedless of the commotion around her, moving away from the crowds running toward the boats.  

Vision flew to her. “Please, come with me, miss.” The woman’s eyes remained blank and unseeing, but she did not protest as he pulled her along. When they reached the lifeboat, Vision left her with a SHIELD agent and flew away to confront the remaining Ultron bot.

When he had dispatched it, Vision returned to the boat where the Avengers were gathered. They still did not fully trust him. He could tell immediately from their eyes, despite fighting alongside them and lifting Thor’s hammer, which had initially impressed them. No one made any move to speak to him, so he monitored the passengers on the ship.

The young woman he had rescued was at the end of one row of seats, still not paying any attention to her surroundings. Vision drifted over to her. “Miss, may I offer you assistance?”

She did not even look up at him as she replied, “Not unless you can raise the dead.”

Vision frowned at her. He did not believe that was possible, even for a being such as himself. His understanding of physics and biology did not allow for such a concept. “No, I apologize. I cannot.”

The woman moved her eyes so that she was looking upward, and then her gaze shifted to the right. A quick search revealed that the expression was typically called an eye roll, an expression meant to show disbelief, skepticism, or displeasure. “That was sarcasm.” Merriam-Webster (ˈsär-ˌka-zəm): 1 : a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain.

“Oh. Apologies.” The woman’s response gave him a new feeling: uncertainty. He had been a bit confused when he had first come into the world, but he had quickly corrected himself. Since that moment, he had proceeded with the single-minded purpose of destroying Ultron and preserving the sentient life on this planet. But now that the task was accomplished, he was unmoored. “I’m very new to this world.”

She maintained the same expression. “You don’t look that new.”

“Appearances can be deceiving. I was only born yesterday.”

The woman gaped at him in disbelief for a moment before her expression collapsed into a frown. “The same day my brother died.” Tears began to fall steadily from her eyes. “He didn’t tell me he was sick. He was just there, and then he wasn’t.”

Inexperienced though he was, Vision sensed that there were no words to give comfort in this situation. He nonetheless searched the internet for possible responses. The search took only seconds. The results revealed prayers for the dead from numerous religions and more secular notes of regret and well wishes for the family members dealing with their grief. But a common thread throughout these responses was that only time lessened such wounds.

The young woman had not pushed him away, so he took another suggestion and tentatively laid his hand over hers. She said nothing, but she did not protest. He remained there until he was called away for a conference with Director Fury, Deputy Director Hill, and the Avengers.

When they were finished, it was almost time to land. Since he had accepted Director Fury’s offer to join the Avengers on a provisional basis, he helped them organize the refugees into neat lines and direct them to the shelters that SHIELD had scrambled to set up ahead of their arrival. The young woman was the last person off the ship. She glanced up at him with an emotion he judged to be shame in her face. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

“It is perfectly alright, miss. I understand that grief often makes humans lash out on those around them. I am sorry again for your loss.”

“Thank you.” She shook her head, but did not back down. “Still, you didn’t deserve that. And I never thanked you for saving me. So thank you.”

Vision wanted to say more or ask for her name, but Tony called to him. Vision indicated that he would be with him momentarily. When he turned around, the young woman was gone.

II.

The earth shook outside the Sanctum where Vision, Tony, Bruce, and the two sorcerers stood and the air started to vibrate. They all rushed into the streets where people were panicking. One of the spaceships hovered over the city, sending debris in all directions.

Some rubble crashed down, hitting a civilian’s car and blocking the front door. Vision flew to the rocks and lifted them away from the vehicle. As he pried the driver side door open, he was shocked to find the same woman that he had rescued three years earlier. He had sometimes wondered what had happened to her, but he did not want to presume to use his resources to find her.

The woman’s mouth fell open as she gazed at him. “You again! I’ve seen you on the news, Vision.”

“Yes, that is my name.” A small corner of his mind noted that she had omitted the “the” in his moniker, which was unusual coming from anyone but the Avengers. “Are you alright?” He reached into the car to help her out. She unfastened her seatbelt, which had probably saved her life, as well as numerous injuries. Her car appeared to have protected her well; she was only shaken and possibly a bit bruised. She accepted his hands with a weak smile.

“I’ve been better, but I’ve been worse.” He led her to the sidewalk, dodging around the panicking crowds to help her lean against a building. “I’m okay. Don’t you have some fighting to do?”

Vision looked up to the alien invaders approaching his friends. “Yes, thank you for the much-needed reminder,” he replied drily. “Please get inside as soon as possible.”

“I will. Good luck.” He had no time to reply as he refocused his entire being on fighting the invaders. He returned to the others just as Tony was challenging the aliens to leave. The aliens tired of the banter and started sending cars hurtling toward them. A blast from Vision’s Mind Stone destroyed the larger of the two aliens. The two sorcerers and Tony were then able to focus their full attention on the smaller alien, dispatching him quickly.

Tony clapped his hands together, saying, “Piece of cake. Not bad for a day’s work.”

Stephen silenced him with a look. “That will not be the end of them. We have to get the situation under control here and then find the others as soon as possible.” They immediately started triaging injured civilians and directing emergency personnel. The other Avengers soon moved on to other tasks, but they thought it best that Vision stay behind to keep the Mind Stone farther from the front lines.

Vision was in the middle of helping to clear some debris to make room for ambulances to travel through when the woman he had rescued ran up to him. “I have EMT training. I can help.” He directed her to a tent where those who were not serious enough to be transported to a hospital, but too serious to be released to go home.

Once the road was clear, Vision participated in search and rescue efforts. He carried people to the tent and surrounding areas. Both he and the young woman worked into the early hours of the morning. Eventually, she ended up slumped against a wall, and Vision draped a spare blanket over her.

A call from Tony came through shortly thereafter, alerting Vision that he was needed in Wakanda because Princess Shuri thought she could remove the Stone. The news threw almost all other thoughts out of his head, only a potent mixture of hope and dread remaining. He gave the woman, whose name he still did not know, a brief glance, but duty called him away as always.

III.

The widespread aftermath of the second Snap that returned half the world’s population absorbed all the Avengers’ energies, much as it did the rest of the world. Those who had disappeared tried to return to their homes only to find them occupied by new families. Others lost all their loved ones in the Snap or returned only to find they had died during their absence. Others regained them only after they had formed new families. People throughout the world were desperate and confused.

Vision took his shift outside one of the help centers where all the Avengers took turns to maintain order, act as a symbol of stability, and offer advice. When Natasha relieved him, instead of flying directly to the compound, he decided to take a short walk around the city.

“Let go of that!” Vision started flying in the direction of the shout. In a dark alley, three men were tossing a sleeping bag back and forth over the head of a young woman. They dodged out of the way of each of her blows. She finally landed a kick on one of them, only succeeding in enraging him. The man barreled toward her, but she dodged out of the way, and he fell to the ground.

This only enraged his friends. They bore down on the woman, who moved into a defensive stance. Vision felt that she could handle herself, but decided it was time to intervene before events grew too ugly. Vision moved out of the shadows and made his presence known, staring hard at the bullies. The attackers recognized him and fled immediately, pulling their struggling friend with them.

The woman’s belongings had spilled across the ground. Vision bent to help her retrieve them after her tormentors ran away. She looked up suspiciously until she saw his face. He in turn recognized the Sokovian woman he had aided twice before.

“You saved me again.” She blew a piece of hair out of her face, tucking a small packet of pictures into her jacket pocket. She and Vision finished gathering up a small amount of clothes, toiletries, and knickknacks. Vision offered to tie the bundle up in the most secure and efficient way. “Thanks. You’re a good bodyguard; you scared those guys away easily.”

“I believe you were doing quite well on your own.”

She shrugged. “I still feel like I ought to buy you dinner. I owe you.”

Vision wished to deny the assertion, but he was more focused on the hopeful look in her eyes. He did want to know her better. “Well, I do not eat, but if you would prefer not to eat alone, I would be happy to accompany you.”

“Great.” She smiled. “There’s a good diner down the street. They’ve been doing specials since everybody returned.” He followed her. She greeted the proprietor warmly and sat in a booth with an air of familiarity.

The man came over a minute later. “The usual, Wanda?” Vision felt a sense of exultation at finally having this question answered. He tried to study the woman in the booth across from him surreptitiously in light of this new information. He thought the name suited her.

“Yeah, Virgil.”

“And who’s your- You’re The Vision!”

“Yes, I am,” Vision replied tightly. He waited for the invasive or inane questions about his abilities and origins. Or the claim that he should not be in an establishment meant for humans.

“What can I get you? It’s on the house.” Vision had not anticipated such a friendly, straightforward response, but this was a pleasant surprise.

“Just a glass of water, please.” The man looked vaguely disappointed but nodded right away.

Vision said, “You have a lovely name, Wanda.”

“Thanks. I forgot we haven’t introduced ourselves.”

“Yes, the opportunity has not presented itself during our previous encounters.” Wanda’s meal arrived at that point, and she ate with relish. While she was taking a break to take a sip of water, Vision asked, “What have you been doing all this time?”

“Well, after Sokovia I completed my GED, and then I earned a college scholarship that SHIELD and some other groups were giving out to eligible refugees. I was planning to become a therapist. I’d like to work with children. Then, I got Snapped. Since then I’ve just been trying to get back on my feet. I was able to get back in an accelerated program because there’s so much demand right now. And I’m near the top of the list for a new apartment. What about you? Where’d you go after the aliens came to New York?”

“I was called away to a battle with other alien forces. I too was affected when Thanos came to earth. He took the stone that used to power me. Two years after the first Snap Bruce, Tony, and Helen were able to revive me using my consciousness that Princess Shuri saved onto Wakanda’s computers.”

“I’m glad she was able to save you.”

“As am I.”

Wanda began to eat much more slowly. Then, she ordered a piece of pie and a cup of tea. Vision knew that he ought to at least alert the others that he would be late, but he had no wish to. Their conversation lingered through a second and third cup of tea. Vision found himself laughing more than he could ever remember in the span of a few short hours. Virgil finally indicated that it was closing time. Vision thanked him for his hospitality, and he said that any Avenger was welcome there any time since they had saved his niece during the first Battle of New York.

“May I walk with you to your destination?”

“Sure. The hostel I’ve been staying in at night is just around the corner.”

When they reached the entrance, Vision quickly calculated that this was perhaps his last best chance to connect with Wanda with greater certainty. They paused in the doorway and smiled at each other. “Perhaps the next time we meet we can do so by prior arrangement instead of under exigent circumstances?”

“Is that your way of asking me on a date, Vision?”

He felt a moment of panic, but she did not seem averse to the idea. “If you would like to think of my proposal that way.”

Wanda grinned up at him. “I would.”

IV.

After two months of dating, spending most of their evenings in the compound surrounded by his teammates or communicating electronically, Vision invited Wanda on a picnic. Wanda accepted with alacrity and offered a park near her new apartment as the location. Upon hearing his plans, Natasha joked that one of them should go with them as a chaperone. The other Avengers picked up on that thread and spent the rest of the day teasing Vision about his date as he was still technically a minor. Vision simply ignored them all, focusing on cooking what he intended to bring that night.

That did not stop Vision from growing increasingly nervous throughout the day. He was well aware that there was a societal expectation of greater intimacy by this point in a romantic relationship, but he trusted his own mind and Wanda enough that they could come to their own decision on the matter. Nevertheless, when he flew to Wanda’s new apartment to pick her up, he was struggling to maintain his usual composure. Especially when he saw Wanda’s shirt, which bared far more of her décolletage than most of her tops, and dark jeans that hugged her legs like a second skin.

They strolled along the city streets on the way to their destination. Wanda eagerly stared at the window displays of the nearby shops and drew Vision’s attention to certain features. Vision admired the aesthetics of a particular display with her.

Once they reached the park, Vision headed toward the shadow of a large tree at the edge of the park. He started to lay out the blanket, but he paused when he noticed Wanda regarding him with a raised brow. “Ashamed to be seen with me?”

“No, of course not!” Vision hurried to reassure her, but she put a placating hand on his arm.

“Just teasing, Vizh.”

“Oh.” He still struggled with her humor sometimes, though it was quite similar to that of all his teammates and friends.

“This is nice and private.” She took the blanket from him and finished laying it out, settling cross-legged on the ground and patting the space beside her. Putting a hand on his knee, Wanda continued, “I know you’re just being discreet. But I knew what I was getting into when I started dating an Avenger. I’ll have to deal with the paparazzi eventually.”

“You anticipate being together long enough for that to become an issue?”

“Sure. Why not?”

Vision could think of numerous reasons why not, but Wanda, apparently sensing his mood, put a finger to his lips and said, “Show me what you brought!” He happily allowed her to change the subject, bringing out the dishes that he had painstakingly prepared for her. Wanda ate with a flattering level of enjoyment, and he tasted bits of each food as well.

They spent their meal observing the passersby together. Comments flowed between them. There were several other couples in view that they watched. Then, there were the young children playing. Some people pulled dogs of various sizes on leashes, trying to keep them away from the squirrels. Vision and Wanda laughed at their antics. As people started to leave the park, they decided it was time to leave as well.

On their way back to Wanda’s apartment, she slipped her hand into his. Vision squeezed it lightly. She glanced up at him and away. He almost fancied that she looked shy. Odd. She remained unusually quiet during their stroll until she said, “Would you like to come in for a while when we get back to my apartment?”

Vision did not answer immediately. He wanted to join her, no matter they happened to do, but doubts about the possibilities slowed down his decision-making processes. He returned to the present when Wanda was looking up at him questioningly, clearly wondering why it was taking so long for him to answer a simple inquiry. There was truly only one reply to give; the desire to spend more time with Wanda outweighed his slight uncertainty. “I would.” Her glorious smile vindicated his choice.

They had reached the front door of Wanda’s building when a family with two identical dark-haired children, a boy and a girl, exited. Vision held the door for them while Wanda froze beside him, staring at the children with an acute mixture of longing, envy, and wistfulness. She finally moved inside. They began to climb the stairs to her room until Wanda stumbled.

Vision noted that tears were pouring down her cheeks. She tried to speak, but no words emerged from her mouth. He supported her with an arm around her waist and tried to lead her upward. After a few steps, Vision realized that was insufficient, so he picked Wanda up, floating into her room.

He laid her on her bed and knelt beside her. “Wanda.” No response. “Wanda,” he said more insistently. She turned eyes that were glossy with the tears she had shed toward him. “Is there anything I can do for you?” She shook her head.

He remained by her side for several more minutes. Finally, she choked out through hiccups, “I’m sorry.” Wanda paused to take a breath, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. “You can go.”

“It’s alright, Wanda.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” She then turned around and curled in on herself, clutching her knees to her chest. Despite her clear dismissal, Vision did not wish to leave her in such obvious distress, so he left her room, but not the apartment.

He did not want to disturb her rest, so he simply sat on her small sofa and considered the concept of loss. Vision knew that the death of her brother still weighed on Wanda. They had been so close since birth, that she struggled sometimes. Since they had started dating and communicating more frequently, Wanda had told him many stories of Pietro’s daring and cheekiness. Vision always enjoyed the way her eyes lit up during these stories, but he still lacked part of the essential experience of grief. He had not truly lost anyone in the eight years that he had been alive, six of which he had been conscious, since he had first tried to comfort Wanda. All the poems and hymns and psychological studies on grief could only show him so much.

When he realized that several hours had passed during his contemplation, he peeked his head in her doorway to check on Wanda. She was awake, her eyes red but clearer, staring straight ahead. He knocked lightly on the door frame. She turned to him with surprise. “You’re still here.”

“Yes, I did not want to leave you alone while you were so upset. May I get you anything now?”

“A cup of tea? But you don’t have to.” Vision prepared it for her and returned with a tray. “Thanks,” she whispered, giving him an unnervingly grateful look for such a small gesture. When she finished, Wanda gestured for him to sit beside her. He gingerly sat next to her, unsure how much space he should leave between them. His concerns were assuaged when she curled up against him and drew his arm around her. “Stay with me?” Her eyes were wide and imploring.

“I would be happy to.”

Morning came far more quickly than he anticipated with Wanda finally sleeping peacefully while partially resting on top of him. Vision had done nothing more than listen to her breathing, but the novelty of resting next to another was entertainment enough.

When she rose to begin her day, Wanda was looking far calmer and more refreshed than she had just a few hours earlier. She gave him a quick hug before bounding into the bathroom, saying that she would be right back.

Vision took the liberty of exploring her kitchen. He knew that Wanda typically had to be at her externship at eight, and she did not have an abundance of time. He felt that breakfast was crucial to function properly throughout the day, so he made her a quick omelet using some odds and ends she had in her refrigerator.

Wanda’s face was a study in surprise when she emerged from her room to find the place setting he had prepared. “Saving my life and cooking for me multiple times? My hero.” Though her words were said in a teasing fashion, he ducked his head at the genuine appreciation in her eyes.

“Think nothing of it.”

“I absolutely will.” She tucked into the omelet. Soon, she had practically inhaled it all. “Are you doing anything on Saturday?”

“No, barring emergencies.”

“Then, let me plan a whole day for you.” He opened his mouth, but Wanda tugged on his hand. “Before you say anything else, I want to.”

“I would love to spend Saturday with you.” He wished her a good day at work and flew off to the compound, dreaming of the weekend.

V.

Vision let his hands drift along Wanda’s back. Even after six months of waking up with her in his arms at least three or four times a week, he was still astonished by the way the early morning light played across her skin, casting a golden glow around her.

Eventually, her eyes fluttered open. She smiled up at him, and he tangled his fingers in her hair to draw her mouth to his. They kissed leisurely for several minutes. When she finally broke away, she nestled back into his chest. Vision’s fingers stroked along her shoulders, up her neck, and across her cheeks.

As she lifted her head, Wanda exclaimed, “Oh, shit!” Vision was alarmed that he had done something wrong, but she quickly continued, “I forgot to tell you that I had to get up early this morning. I have to be at the office in thirty minutes.” The traffic would never allow her to travel from the compound to the city in time. She groaned when she saw how her dress from the previous night was crumpled in a corner of the room. It was a good thing that she had started to keep some of her work clothes at the compound.

Wanda pushed herself upright, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed. Vision rubbed her back to ease her. “I can fly you there if you’d like.”

She turned back over his shoulder to give him a blinding smile. “Would you? I’d be forever grateful.”

“No gratitude necessary.” With a quick peck on his cheek, Wanda leapt from the bed and rushed to the bathroom to perform her morning ablutions and throw on some clothes. Within minutes, they were in the air. Vision enjoyed the opportunity to hold her for a little longer and watch the exhilaration of flight transform her features.

He landed in front of her building with only a couple of minutes to spare and was about to leave before he drew too much attention to them when Wanda pulled him into a deep goodbye kiss. Vision could never resist her embrace, happily returning her sentiments with all the passion he carried for her. “Thanks, Vizh. I’ll see you tomorrow night. I can’t wait to try that new recipe with you.”

He watched her walk inside before rising into the air. Vision was so lost in memories of their previous evening and thoughts of what they would do the next night that he did not notice the flashes go off from across the street.

+

I.

Vision stood among the crowd that was gathered outside the compound, wearing the disguise of a typical human. The others would certainly chide him for subjecting himself to the folly of these people’s baseless prejudice. Where trite signs proclaimed, “Adam and Eve Not Robot and Eve” and “Circuits Belong in a Circus.”

He listened to their angry shouts despite himself. Though he wanted to see what the protest was about, he could not bring himself to actually participate in order to blend in with the crowd better. He merely stood at the fringes. An unconscious shiver went through him when someone pulled on his arm. He looked down only to find Wanda staring up at him, clear anger written on her features.

Vision felt the urge to apologize until her face softened when she slid her hands down to grip one of his. “Why are you doing this to yourself, Vizh?”

“How did you know who I was?” He had not anticipated her coming today, nonetheless finding him at the protest. He had sent her a message saying that he understood if she wanted to take some time to consider their relationship status, given the new media attention.

“Well, there aren’t too many people who are as tall as you, and I could feel the despair radiating off of you.”

“Ah.” He ducked his head away from her to avoid her gaze. He could not think of what else to say. He knew that his presence here was illogical, but the urge to see the protest up close was powerful.

Wanda lifted his hand to her lips. “These people don’t deserve a moment of your time.”

“They are entitled to their opinions.”

“Maybe, but they don’t have to come to your home and spew their bullshit.”

“Technically, they are on public property.”

Wanda gave him a look. He was about to explain himself further when a particularly loud shout about how Wanda was just a poor disturbed girl being taken advantage of by the offspring of an evil robot, said in far less polite terms, reignited her angry scowl. “That’s enough.”

She walked up to the nearest man with a loudspeaker and grabbed it unceremoniously from his hands. “Listen up, мудаки́. Vision is a better person than you all will ever be. He’s kind and selfless and forgiving. He’s a hero who has saved countless lives without any expectation of a word of thanks. He’s brave and persistent and strategic. Not to mention amazing in bed.”

Vision felt himself heat up at her words. “And for your information, I am a grown woman and I know my own mind. I’m lucky to have Vision as my boyfriend. We were lucky to find each other again and again.” She shoved the loudspeaker back into the man’s hands with more force than necessary. “Come on, Vizh. Let’s get out of here.”

He nodded, lifting her in his arms. The crowd seemed quite perplexed that the object of their scorn was in their midst the entire time, but Vision was too engrossed by the woman he was carrying to pay them any more mind.

When they arrived in his room, Wanda immediately took out his favorite jazz record and set it to play softly. She climbed into his lap, wrapping her arms around him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not particularly.”

“Okay. If you change your mind…”

“Thank you.” Vision lay back on the bed, taking Wanda with him. They curled up together happily. Outside there was hatred and pain, but here in their own little world there was only love and hope.

  A/N2: The Russian insult Wanda uses against the protestors is found here if you’re curious. Apologies if it’s used incorrectly.

[tacticsroom]

Cormag: Aloof Lanceman (Unit Review)

Available at 3-4★ (Grand Hero Battle Reward)

Lvl 40 Stats (Flaw/Neutral/Asset)

Note: As a Grand Hero Battle reward, Cormag does not have access to boons/assets and banes/flaws.

HP: 39/42/45 

Atk: 33/36/39

Spd: 29/32/35

Def: 30/34/37 

Res: 20/23/27 

Neutral BST: 167

Max Dragonflowers: 5

Skills

Weapon: Slaying Lance+ (300 SP)

Mt: 14. Rng: 1. Accelerates Special trigger (cooldown count -1).

Lance. Can be inherited. Can be refined.

Assist: None

Special: Ignis (200 SP)

Boosts damage dealt by 80% of unit’s Def.

Can be inherited. Cannot use: Staff.

A: None

B: Dull Close 3 (240 SP)

If foe uses sword, lance, axe, dragonstone or beast damage neutralizes foe’s bonuses to stats (from skills like Hone, Rally, etc) during combat.

Can be inherited.

C: Def Opening 3 (240 SP)

At start of turn, grants Def+6 to ally on team with the highest Def for 1 turn. Excludes unit.

Can be inherited.

Analysis

Cormag makes his long awaited debut as the latest in a long line of lance fliers. Unlike the majority of his competition however he differs slightly in his stat distribution. With exceptionally high Atk, decent physical bulk and middling Spd, Cormag leaves himself open to multiple playstyles. 

Cormag’s stat line leaves him in an interesting position. His high Atk and decent Def leave him capable of tanking melee opponents making him a good physical wall. In this same sense he may run Iote’s Shield nullifying his weakness to archers. His 32 Spd, while middling, can easily be improved on with a simple refine and skill to match his Atk and Def. His Res, while sitting at a mere 23, may also be expanded on allowing him to serve as a decent mixed tank as needed. 

His base kit possesses powerful skills that allow him to effectively support his allies or to support himself while in combat. Dull Close will nullify any buffs on a foe during combat. This means that if a foe with 53 Atk is buffed for +6 Atk while in combat against Cormag that their Atk will simply set back to their default instead of being at 59 Atk. This allows Cormag to take fights that would normally be ill-advised and lets him charge his special Ignis. Ignis will have a 3 turn cooldown due to Cormag possessing Slaying Lance+. If a faster cooldown special is desired however players have the option of switching to specials such as Bonfire or Luna. Meanwhile Def Opening will buff the ally on the team with the highest Def for +6 Def excluding Cormag. Played right Cormag can serve as an excellent buffer bot expanding on the roles he can play on a team. His status as a flier allows him to run incredibly powerful skills. Fliers are a highly mobile class and can run mobility skills to increase their range or an ally’s range of attack. 

Cormag cements himself as a lance flier with plenty of potential. The real question in the end is if players who obtain him believe whether or not this potential is worth investing into. 

On his first merge, Cormag will receive HP/Def +2 and +1 Atk.

Reasons to Invest in Cormag

You like Cormag and intend to use him in a core team, whether it be for Arena, Aether Raids, or a Flying team

You’re interested in building Cormag due to his good physical bulk, range as a flier unit and or offensive potential

You have obtained all or most previous copies made available and do not mind the grail cost

Reasons NOT to Invest in Cormag

You don’t intend on using him as a core on any team or in any PVE game modes such as Rival Domains or Grand Conquest

You don’t play Aether Raids and have no interest in obtaining grails

You consider Cormag’s playstyle and base kit uninteresting and would rather fodder his skills off to other heroes you use

You already have an invested lance flier that you already use on your core Arena & or Aether Raids team

Similar Units

Note: As a Grand Hero Battle reward Cormag does not have access to boons/assets or banes/flaws and therefore is not directly comparable to any summonable units. 

Valter: Dark Moonstone (42/32/31/34/19)

Cormag: Aloof Lanceman (+0/+4/+1/+0/+4)

Note: Valter has access to uninheritable skills and is thus not directly comparable. 

Minerva: Red Dragoon (40/31/33/32/22)

Cormag: Aloof Lanceman(+2/+5/-1/+2/+1)

Note: Minerva has access to uninheritable skills and is thus not directly comparable. The two are also of different weapon types.

Laegjarn: Sheathed Steel (41/32/36/36/17)

Cormag: Aloof Lanceman(+1/+4/-4/-2/+6)

Note: Laegjarn has access to uninheritable skills and is thus not directly comparable. The two are also of different weapon types.

Builds

Budget/Low Investment:

Cormag’s set options vary in terms of investment. Depending on the role he plays he may simply need an A skill and seal or he may have to change the skills in his base kit.

The set on the left opts to focus on Cormag’s physical bulk. We run Sturdy Stance in junction with a Def refined Slaying Lance to grant both his Atk/Def a much needed boost. Dull Close is kept to nullify enemy buffs granting Cormag an edge if buffed himself. Quick Riposte allows him to make multiple follow-up attacks when attacked which will let him activate a hard-hitting Ignis With all his skills active, Cormag reaches 54/42 Atk/Def while in combat.

The set on the right hones in on his offensive potential. We can combine both Death Blow and Darting Blow to create a budget Swift Sparrow 3 of sorts. Both skills will increase his Atk/Spd by +6 when initiating fights. Due to the high Spd that Cormag will hit when initiating he may opt to run Desperation to make his follow-up attack before his opponent can retaliate. Even Atk Wave is taken to further buff his Atk by +6 on even numbered turns. His special, Ignis, may be kept due to its heavy damage output or may be swapped with another special if desired. With all of his skills active Cormag reaches 62/41 Atk/Spd while in-combat.

Cormag’s seal options include but aren’t limited to: Atk+3, Spd+3, Def+3, Atk/Spd 2, Spd/Def 2, Blow skills, Bond skills, Brazen skills, Stance skills, Close Def, Quick Riposte, Renewal and Iote’s Shield.

Mixed Phases:

As stated before Cormag’s stat distribution leaves him open to different playstyles allowing him to function as an offensive flier or as a flying tank.

The set on the left improves his mixed bulk. For starters we swap his lance for Vanguard+ which will provide Def+7 to Cormag if attacked. Following this trend we run Close Def as his A skill which boosts his Def/Res by +6 if against a melee damage foe (ex. Sword, Lance, Dragonstone). To top this all off we run Warding Stance as his seal and Odd Res Wave to increase his otherwise lacking Res. Quick Riposte will allow him to make multiple follow-up attacks when attacked allowing Bonfire to proc while in-combat. With all his skills active, Cormag reaches 47/45 Def/Res while in-combat.

The set on the right combines his high mobility with offensive prowess. Here we run Fury and a Spd refined Silver Lance to max out his damage output while giving all of his stats a +3 boost. Wings and Mercy meanwhile will allow Cormag to come to the rescue of an injured ally warping adjacent to them to either whisk them to safety or to do some damage himself. Running Atk/Spd Bond as his seal slot will synergize with this playstyle further boosting both stats by +5. Atk Smoke will ploy any opponents within 2 spaces of Cormag’s foe for -7 Atk in turn making him that much harder to deal with. With all of his skills active, Cormag reaches 60/43 Atk/Spd while in-combat.

High Investment:

Cormag’s full potential can be realized should players choose to invest in him. He may focus on  either his Player or Enemy phase depending on what his team’s needs are. The following sets are best intended for players who plan on heavily investing in him.

The set on the left focuses on his offensive potential pushing it to its max. Fury 4 bolsters his raw stats by +4 allowing him to reach scary levels of offense as well as physical defense. Desperation meshes well with Fury 4 as he will take 8 damage after each round of combat on top of damage he sustains in-combat. Threaten Atk/Spd will grant Cormag +5 Atk Spd and ploy his foe for -5 Atk/Spd if he finds himself within 2 spaces of his opponent further increasing his offenses. Finally we run Harmonic Lance in conjunction with Glimmer and Heavy Blade to push his damage output to its maximum. Harmonic Lance will add +10 damage to Cormag’s special once it activates. Because Cormag already reaches an incredibly high level of Atk without a buff he can safely run Glimmer. Heavy Blade will ensure that once Cormag falls into Desperation range that he’ll be able to proc Glimmer in each fight he engages in. 

The set on the right leans towards his defenses making him as bulky as possible. Fort. Def/Res works best in this regard boosting both his Def/Res by +6 in exchange for -2 Atk. Casa Blanca has Dull Ranged built into it effectively stopping not only bow units but mages from dealing incredibly high amounts of damage. To make things harder (if not impossible) for bow units we run Iote’s Shield nullifying his weakness to arrows. Guard will protect Cormag from enemy specials while in-combat and from skills increasing a foe’s special cooldown such as Bold Fighter or Heavy Blade. Atk Smoke then ploys foes within 2 spaces of his target for -7 Atk making Cormag and his allies harder to defeat. Bonfire is chosen for its cooldown and to make use of his high Def.

[imascientistofmusic]

Im a huge fucking nerd

final LYRICS FOR ENDOLPHINS AND MC FOUCAULT EP Welcome to Kirby’s Memeland (MILLIPEDES FOR THE MOLEMEN) Got it so hot y'all give me standing ovations while I'm spamming the squat[1] like my whole family's Croatian if my dad's Jackie Chan[2] am I Hispanic or Asian? please understaånd this equation ()[3] me no panic just blazing at any random location i’m your romantic liaison killa Beys in formation[4] the doctor's[5] now handling patients I put the wots in tarnations[6] I put the spots on dalmatians I move the block with my cadence Now time just stops when i say shit But the beat goes on cause i made it Alex Strong[7] in the paint and Singing So Long[8] to fake friends We can roll out the Save ends[9] Y'all kittens tryin my patience I need to find an oasis Pass me that blunt and i'll face it Why y'all stuntin so basic? Im kinda something like LASIK[10] take your quirk and erase it[11] If there's something to say then I'm Malcolm Little and Dakin[12] Welcome to Kirbys Memeland[13] Im a giant herbing with green hands[14] Defiantly serving up steamed hams[15] Yo shuhei hold up i got remands[16] Misery[17] in the moment Missouri in the mornings[18] Mysteries in the motions Miss her seas in this ocean[19] (oh shit) ALL AT ONCE (HOW HARD JAMES HARDIN GOES WHEN HE GOES HARD IN THE PAINT) One day i’ll kill all the white men take back the land we’re missin[20] Im Diego's street art and they're banksy's vandalisms[21] Like the second coming of yeezus[22] and he's risen Built a religion for giant robots[23] called it animism[24] My flow is so fucking preposterous Patrol the land rarer than rhinoceroses[25] Get your heads out the sand yall lookin like ostriches Didn't kill the cat[26] but we checked it into hospice I know yr feeling that and baby one i got this My boys swing the bats like my last name was ausmus[27] Best rappers who aren't black you know i top the list prophets foretold my path (my birth) it was an (heavenly) auspice Imagine how hard james hardin[28] goes when he goes hard in the paint Well i go harder than that On my level you ain't I'm smart as The Bat[29] I'm like double your rank I just started to rap But the devil remains In the details im valued retail theyre resale[30] i'll continue my never ending quest to impress you[31] I’m obsessed with the things that pens do Allah bless this mess because i swear i intend to Decompress and recollect about fucked things that friends[32] do Parenthetically my memes are better than y’all’s Im aesthetically[33] hiding in vectors too small Interjecting my dreams while dissenting all leans[34] Exquisitely dining on minds here at the end of all things [35] We bout those movers and shakers We bustin loose of the matrix[36] I get my fruit at bodegas Im bound to move to NEW VEGAS[37] Matthew McConaughey (HARRY AND THE HUMAN CENTIPEDES) Another space time anomaly[38] An Interstellar[39] odyssey Alright alright alright Im Mathew McConaughey Im unfuckingstoppable the impossible possible The whole world's my hospital not a gd thing is inoperable[40] Credentials are laudable Essentially i got it all Took a look at the d And then called an audible[41] Obliterate any Obstacle Precipitate like waterfalls Instigate a kinder cause Evicerate a haunted ghoul[42] When i fucks with physics the laws get more lax my words carry weight like the world's biggest snorlax[43] Come at me son yr gonna need more VATS[44] carried this town[45] for So Long[46] im getting a sore back their love for me like a tree to the Lorax[47] My lyrics paint pictures so i call them a Rorschach[48] my bones are telling me bad weathers on the forecast a storm is rolling in this is the calm before that Past five centuries all of them regrettable[49] Just like entropy i am inevitable[50] I was meant to leave my head it was full Fundamentally i'm so far ahead of these fools Down five hennessy's trying just to deaden this pulse[51] Iron sentry's lining the edge of the mall[52] 100% dying to dismantle this wall[53] Johnny five empathy no disassemble this bot[54] Quintessentially im X at the head of this school[55] Intermittently you slept in my bed it was cool incidentally we had sex in the end of the pool Human centipede[56] that ass it was my edible[57] G.O.A.T. (NIETZSCHE DIDN’T KILL GOD, I DID) Like JD[58] I’m the GOAT[59] Billy[60] hashtag Swag[61]gert[62] Worlds most accurate fact checking rapper This is a game to me Chutes and ladders[63] Here's where the bangers[64] be girl you know i had ‘er My flow the yangtze[65] i spit venom black adders[66] Opposite of banksy[67] or some bullshit “all lives matter”[68] Fuck the president[69] that dude cant get any badder[70] Cooking up some poppy tea[71] mix it up like cake batter HEY DON'T LOOK AWAY DON'T LET IT GROW ON YOU IT'S NOT OK Engrave the following on my headstone: “They[72] died getting head stoned peepin Tombstone[73] While eatin a tombstone pizza[74]" I’ve gone full blown nietzsche[75] said hello to the abyss "it was good to meet ya"[76] Behind this mask's a terrifying creature[77] Who would gladly cook you up and eat ya Every track i’m on mc foucault's the feature Threat level dragon[78] when im hittin the road again Like shang tsun out here looking for some souls to bend[79] Other rappers words are last years memes im so over them Like neil in the 80s its the weight of the world im shoulderin'[80] Tho ive been there once couldnt tell you where denver starts and boulder ends[81] Rockin california fishes like them pennsylvania colder pens[82] I spit fire like dylon[83] and i left the studio smolderin Sitch is Dire like sylons you used to know as older friends[84] Minds expired with prions[85] when i take theirs skulls and open em Im entirely high on the spirit taking time up and folding it[86] unlike battery acid im so hella caustic[87] Such flattering assets with a tongue so toxic Made saturn's rings spin on a cosmic cross stitch My staggering spit it god agnostic[88] [1] “Why do Slavs squat?” is a satirical catchphrase associated with imageboards and forums discussing Eastern European people and cultures http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/why-do-slavs-squat-slav-squat [2] My dad and jackie chan are aging to look like the same person [3] I use medical marijuana to treat anxiety [4] Beyonce - Formation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDZJPJV__bQ [5] My initials are DRB and so many folks call me Doctor or Doctor B [6] “What in Tarnation?” is a rhetorical question meaning “what in damnation?”, which is often associated with Americans living in the Southern United States expressing incredulous bewilderment. http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/what-in-tarnation [7] Drummer of Endolphins and one of the progenitors of this particular beat [8] So Long is my queerpop band SoLongNaota.Bandcamp.com [9] A saving throw in D&D http://dnd4.wikia.com/wiki/Saving_throw [10] Corrective laser eye surgery [11] Boku No Hero Academia character Shota Aizawa “eraser head” who’s special power is erasing others’ special powers http://bokunoheroacademia.wikia.com/wiki/Shota_Aizawa [12] Church of The Three Cats is at the corner of Malcolm X (born Malcolm Little) and Dakin in Lansing, Michigan [13] Gamboy title Kirby’s Dreamland but with memes [14] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_Giant but with Weed [15] Simpsons shitpost classic http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/steamed-hams [16] Once I beat magic the gathering hall of famer Shuhei Nakamura in a Grand Prix with a timely remand [17] The first Endolphins release was called North of Misery as a nod to their being in Iowa [18] In 2015 I toured with Endolphins and had two amazing mornings in St Louis, s/o to KPAX and calcifer [19] Sometimes you meet someone who forever changes the way you think about things like water, and then you drown in thoughts never actually able to grasp anything completely again [20] im native as fuck http://www.corteidh.or.cr/tablas/24777.pdf [21] Artist Diego Rivera vs Banksy [22] Kanye West's ego messiah and eponymous album [23] giant robot anime trope for example: neon genesis evangelion, flcl, gundam... [24] Animism but with Anime https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animism [25] Rhino’s are near extinct everywhere https://www.savetherhino.org/rhino_info/rhino_population_figures [26] Slang for giving a person with a vagina multiple orgasms [27] Detroit Tigers skipper Brad Ausmus [28] James Hardin is a professional basketball Superstar [29] Comic book protagonist Batman [30] Price you get for selling an item new (retail) vs used (resale) [31] A certain person who since i have met has inspired most of my creative endeavors [32] See directly above [33] in a way that gives pleasure through beauty [34] biases [35] Comic book character Galactus, Eater of Worlds https://marvel.com/universe/Galactus [36] 1999 science fiction film The Matrix [37] 2010 video game Fallout: New Vegas [38] My favorite Star Trek trope [39] My favorite Matthew McConaughey film [40] See note #5 [41] In american football a quarterback will notice something about the defense and change the play at the line of scrimmage, this is called an audible [42] These are hearthstone cards [43] Snorlax is a very large and heavy pokemon that can only be moved by playing a special flute [44] Vault-tec assisted targeting system in Fallout video game franchise, the more skill points one has the more they can do in combat before an enemy reacts [45] I have been a pillar of the diy community in lansing michigan for 20 years [46] So Long Naota/Collective see note #8 [47] Dr Seuss character who is the protector of nature [48] The Rorschach test is a psychological test in which subjects' perceptions of inkblots are recorded and then analyzed using psychological interpretation, complex algorithms, or both. [49] Since Europeans have arrived on the shores of North and South America they have brought only misery and genocide [50] The second law of thermodynamics requires that, in general, the total entropy of any system can't decrease other than by increasing the entropy of some other system. Hence, in a system isolated from its environment, the entropy of that system tends not to decrease. [51] Drinking is a mostly self destructive behavior for myself and I tend to only do it when i wish to self harm [52] Episode 3 of the 1997 anime Beserk [53] Fuck borders fuck walls freedom is not possible when they exist [54] 1986 film Short Circuit about a robot that gains sentience and learns of death the term for which is dissassemble [55] Professor Xavier from the X-Men comics who runs a school for Mutants [56] 2009 Dutch body horror film Human Centipede tells the story of people sewn mouth to ass [57] Analingus [58] The Mountain Goats frontman John Darnielle or JD aka thrashkitten member of the sooper swag project [59] GOAT (Greatest Of All Time) is a term used in hip hop to talk about the best rappers ever [60] A billy is a male goat [61] #swag is a song by rapper GMCFOSHO who is a friend of mine [62] Jimmy Swaggert was a televangelist who was defrocked for multiple prostitution scandals [63] Chutes and Ladders is a metaphor for life. As such, it is arguably the most philosophical of all children's board games. Based on the ancient Indian game Snakes and Ladders. The historic version had root in morality lessons, where a player's progression up the board represented a life journey complicated by virtues (ladders) and vices (snakes). [64] Banger is a term for a particularly moving composition [65] The Yangtze is the longest river in Asia and the third-longest in the world. The river is the longest in the world to flow entirely within one country. [66] A venomous snake that lives in europe and east asia, also a nod to the lyric earlier about chutes and ladders (snakes and ladders) [67] “Some have criticised the "obviousness" of Banksy's work, and accused it of being "anarchy-lite" geared towards a middle class "hipster" audience.” [68] A slogan used to silence the #blacklivesmatter movement [69] Donald Trump [70] 1998 Arcade game Bad Dudes vs Dragon Ninja later ported to the Nintendo Entertainment System known widely for its intro cut scene in which the protagonists are asked if they are bad enough dudes to save the president [71] Poppy tea is any herbal tea infusion brewed from poppy straw or seeds of several species of poppy. For the purpose of the tea, dried pods are more commonly used than the pods of the live flower. The walls of the dried pods contain opiate alkaloids, primarily consisting of morphine. [72] I am non-binary and use they/them pronouns [73] 1993 Western Tombstone starring kurt russel and val kilmer [74] Very cheap frozen pizzas of dubious quality [75] Nietzsche claimed the death of God would eventually lead to the loss of any universal perspective on things, and along with it any coherent sense of objective truth [76] Nietzsche once said: “Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” [77] Nietzsche also said: “All great things must first wear terrifying and monstrous masks in order to inscribe themselves on the hearts of humanity.” [78] 2015 Anime and Manga One Punch Man’s shout out to Neon Genesis Evangelion describing a monster that is a threat to multiple cities [79] 1992 Arcade Fighing game Mortal Combat’s main villain who stole people's souls [80] Neil Young's sleeper Weight of The World from his amazing foray into new wave on his criminally unheralded album Landing on Water [81] I visited colorado for the first time on tour with Endolphins and tho enjoyable it was mostly mountains and urban sprawl and legal weed [82] The 2016 battle for Lord Stanley’s cup between NHL’s Pittsburgh Penguins and [83] Chappell show sketch about Dylon who thought he was the GOAT because “dylon spit hot fire” [84] Battlestar Galactica plot twist [85]Kuru is a very rare, incurable neurodegenerative disorder that was prevalent among the Fore people of Papua New Guinea. Kuru is caused by the transmission of abnormally folded prion proteins, which leads to symptoms such as tremors, loss of coordination, and neurodegeneration. Most people who develop it are cannibals [86] The quantum physics theory of time travel [87] Acids are corrosive and bases are caustic [88] God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves, the murderers of all murderers? What was holiest and mightiest of all that the world has yet owned has bled to death under our knives: who will wipe this blood off us? What water is there for us to clean ourselves? What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent? Is not the greatness of this deed too great for us? Must we ourselves not become gods simply to appear worthy of it? — Nietzsche, The Gay Science, Section 125,

[swipestream]

The April Foolio of Fiends

The April Foolio of Fiends! Arthur will try not to eat you, at least not on purpose.

Happy April First, everyone!

We here at Gnome Stew are dedicated to bringing you the finest of gaming material, so we are proud to present The April Foolio of Fiends, an astounding collection of ridiculous monsters in a variety of systems. Feel free to use and abuse these foolish folks in your own games. We don’t condone cruelty to monsters, but they’re just as eager to have fun with you, so have at it!

This is just a taste of all the foolishly fun fiends we’ve created for you. The full collection of critters is available in a pay-what-you-want PDF at DriveThru RPG. The best part is that all proceeds are going to benefit Child’s Play, a game industry charity dedicated to improving the lives of children in a network of over 100 hospitals worldwide. You get to have fun with these ridiculous rascals and we all get to help make the lives of some kids a little brighter.

Mapless Fury

By Camdon Wright, Art by Toast

In a world full of monsters, traps, portals to unknown dimensions, and inns full of quest giving magicians sometimes you get a little turned around. Only the most foul of creature would take advantage of these moments of assistance to send you in the wrong direction. The mapless fury has no mercy when it comes to disrupting your travel plans.

Seeming able to point in all directions at once, a mapless fury will do its best to send you in the opposite direction of your intended goal. If you return to ask for clarification it will send you in an equally wrong but brand new path claiming to have forgotten to tell you about a crucial turn. Mapless furies seem very friendly and helpful.

Which way to go?

MAPLESS FURY (5e) Medium Undead, Chaotic Neutral Armor Class 11 Hit Points 71 (13d8 + 13) Speed 30 ft.

STR 11 (+0), DEX 12 (+1), CON 12 (+1) INT 19 (+4), WIS 17 (+3), CHA 17 (+3)

Saving Throws: INT +7, WIS +6, CHA +6 Skills: Arcana +7, Deception +6, Insight +6, Perception +6, Persuasion +6, Stealth +4 Senses: Darkvision 120 ft., Passive Perception 16 Challenge: 1

Special traits

Always Helpful: All Persuasion checks are made with advantage.

Actions

Dominate Travel: The mapless fury chooses one creature that can understand spoken language, and begins to give them directions. The target must make a DC 16 Wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the creature will follow whatever directions the mapless fury has given them for one hour. The affected creature will not follow any directions that would cause direct harm to themselves or their party like walking off of a cliff. The affected creature makes a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw at the end of the hour. Failed save: The creature continues on following directions given for 24 hours. All spell effects dissipate at the end of that 24 hours. After a successful save, the creature is no longer controlled, but is confused for 15 minutes about how they got where they are.

Disorienting Touch: Will only attack when defending itself as it is only trying to be helpful. Attack +3 to hit, 11 (2d8+3) psychic damage.

Mimic Beer

by J.T. Evans, Art by Crystal Neagley

This nefarious creature slips into taverns, alehouses, and other establishments that serve fine drinks. The mimic beer will peruse nearby labels of dwarven stouts, halfing porters, gnomish lagers, and elven pilsners until it finds an appropriate draft to take the place of.

Unsuspecting barkeeps will pass the mimic beer down the bar to a hapless patron. When the patron brings the drink to their mouth to enjoy a quality brew, the mimic beer will explode into shards of glass in an attempt to kill or maim the patron.

While relatively weak, the sudden attack of a mimic beer can bring down even the heartiest consumer of alcoholic beverages, especially if they’ve already downed a few draughts earlier in the night.

Though attacks by mimic beer are rare, they become much more frequent during the creatures’ mating season, a time often referred to as Oct-faux-beer-fest.

But is it an ale, a lager, or a stout?

MIMIC BEER (Fate) High Concept: Fake Beer Trouble: The Trick’s On You! Other Aspects: Perfect Replication, Tastes Great, Less Filling Scale: Good (+3) Skills: Good (+3): Fight, Deceive Fair (+2): Notice, Will Average (+1): Burglary, Stealth Stunts: Reproduce Label: Once per day, the mimic beer can perfectly reproduce the label from a nearby bottle of brew. Once the label is set for the day, the mimic beer can’t change its label until the next day. Explosive Attack: As the first attack during a scene, the mimic beer can gain a +2 Fight on its attack and place either the aspect of Shocked or Outraged on the target. Physical Stress: Ο Ο Mental Stress: Ο Ο Ο Size: The size of a large bottle of beer.

  Nab-Catcher-Bot

by Angela Murray, Art by Nuactna

That is one very annoyed cat.

A mad scientist once thought he had solved his city’s stray dog problem with a robot programmed to round them up humanely. But then, like most interesting robots, it got some ideas of its own. This nab-catcher-bot has gone off-script and decided that they needed to help in the canine revolution that only they see happening.

As a result, this nab-catcher-bot has been causing chaos throughout the city as they round up all cats they find, as well as the occasional squirrel and raccoon. Thankfully the birds don’t seem to qualify.

Where it’s taking all these annoyed felines (and other critters) no one is sure.

NAB-CATCHER-BOT (Dungeon World) (Solitary, Medium, Robotic)

8 HP 2 armor

Taser Net (d6 damage) Reach, Stuns

Special Qualities: Metal chassis

Instinct: To round up furry things Ignore original programming Assist all good puppers

Anger Drake

by Chuck Lauer, Art by KC Preston

A semi-intelligent, distant relative to the couatl, the anger drake is native to similar ecology, but is much smaller and much, much cuter. Though not able to speak, anger drakes seem to understand the concepts of goodness and law well enough to follow them broadly.

Prone to flitting around humanoids playfully in order to gain their attention and affection, the anger drake makes a distinctive sound that has been described variously as “like a purr dipped in honey,” “a unicorn yawning after a nap” or “the most obnoxious thing I have ever heard. How can you stand that? Kill it. Kill it now.”

For whatever reason, characters and NPCs of neutral or evil alignment find the mere presence of an anger drake to be insufferable to the point of self-destruction, and will often go to extreme measures to just get rid of the things. While anger drakes understand physical aggression, they appear to be driven to find the good in even the most violent individuals, never attacking, even in self-defense, and only flying away when asked politely by a good character or when dropped to fewer than 20 hit points.

But it’s soooo cute…

ANGER DRAKE (5e) Small celestial, lawful good Armor Class 19 (natural armor) Hit Points 80 Speed 30 ft, fly 90 ft

STR 3 (-4), DEX 20 (+5), CON 17 (+3) INT 6 (-2), WIS 20 (+5), CHA 20 (+5)

Saving Throws: CON +5, WIS +7, CHA +7 Damage Resistances: Radiant Damage Immunities: Psychic, bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical attacks Senses: truesight 120 ft., passive Perception 15 Languages: None Challenge: 3

Special Traits

Innate Spellcasting: The anger drake’s spellcasting ability is Charisma (spell save DC 15). It can innately cast the following spells, requiring only verbal components (specifically, its distinctive cry).

At will: detect evil and good, detect magic 3/day: bless, create food and water, cure wounds, lesser restoration, protection from poison, sanctuary, shield 1/day: dream, greater restoration, scrying

Aura of Affection or Obnoxiousness: Each creature within 100 feet of the anger drake that can see or hear it must make a DC 15 Charisma saving throw each round or be affected by the Aura of Affection or Obnoxiousness. Characters of a Good alignment find the creature adorable, and cannot make any attacks, direct or indirect, against it. Characters of a Neutral or Evil alignment find the anger drake irritating beyond the point of reason, and can take no action other than attacking the creature until it is driven away or asked to leave.

Grumbleface (Chitterface)

by Jared Rascher, Art by Toast

The Grumbleface/Chitterface is a fey that has attached itself to mortal rituals surrounding coffee. As with most faeries, the mortal behavior being mimicked is, slightly, exaggerated.

In the morning, it begins in its chitterface form, until it is either asked a question that requires cognitive energy to answer, or until it is exposed to sunlight. Once either of these triggers happen, the chitterface transforms into the grumbleface.

The grumbleface is not nearly as aggressive as it sounds, but its bellowing about needed coffee and need to avoid human contact is enough to cause stress and concern in any near it. If it goes too long without coffee, it may begin to actively destroy any work it previously did that has not been completed.

The grumbleface cannot be changed until it has had “enough coffee,” at which point, it transforms back into its chitterface form. The chitterface form is far less intimidating, but shortly after transforming, the chitterface will let out a burst of questions about daily projects and ancillary tasks that might be equally overwhelming.

In some instances, the grumbleface/chitterface transformation will trigger in the afternoon, often triggered by “one too many stupid questions.”

Get that mid-level manager a coffee, quick!

GRUMBLEFACE (CHITTERFACE) (Fate) High Concept: Highly Motivated Faerie Creature Trouble: High Energy Can Be High Maintenance Other Aspects: Not Even Supposed to be Here Today, This Needs to be Redone from Scratch, Wait—I Have An Idea! Skills: Great (+4): Intimidate (Grumbleface)/ Organization (Chitterface) Fair (+2): Throw Paperwork (Grumbleface)/Navigate Co-workers (Chitterface) Stunts: They Have a Point (Grumbleface): Whenever the grumbleface causes stress with an intimidation attack, they can also give that character a “They Have A Point” aspect with a free invoke. If the character with this aspect spends their turn drinking coffee, they may remove this aspect and the free invoke. Making Up for Lost Time (Chitterface): Whenever the grumbleface transforms into its chitterface from, the chitterface immediately makes an area attack on everyone in its area and all adjacent areas, using its Organization skill. This causes stress to everyone that fails to defend against the attack, as they cannot answer questions fast enough to get the chitterface up to speed. Stress: The chitterface does not have traditional stress boxes, only a set of countdown boxes.

Countdown (Enough Coffee) Ο Ο Ο Ο Trigger (All Boxes): Character has made an overcome action to determine what kind of coffee the grumbleface needs and how best to deliver it. Outcome: The grumbleface transforms into a chitterface

Countdown (One Too Many Stupid Questions) Ο Ο Ο Ο Trigger (All Boxes): Someone asks the chitterface a question that is obvious or has nothing to do with the current situation, and another character has failed in an overcome action to determine how to answer the superfluous question. Outcome: The chitterface transforms into a grumbleface.

Dracomanticoreasaurus

by Jen Adcock, Art by Laura Sorenson

Yeah, it’s all the things.

  DRACOMANTICOREASAURUS (Dungeon World) (Large, Solitary, Magical, Intelligent)

16 HP 5 armor

Bite (2d12+5 damage, 3 piercing) Reach, Forceful

Special Qualities: Entrancing look, Shooting tail spikes

Instinct: To charm prey Preen Act with disdain

  Little Bunny Tooth Tooth

by Matt Neagley, Art by Crystal Neagley

Little Bunny Tooth Tooth hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice and knocking out their teeth.

Down came the Good Fairy and said:

“Little Bunny Tooth Tooth, I don’t want to see you scooping up the field mice and knocking out their teeth. I’m going to give you a chance to change, and if you don’t, I’m going to feature you in a book of silly monsters.”

But the very next day…

Little Bunny Tooth Tooth hopping through the village, Visiting the children and knocking out their teeth.

Down came the Good Fairy and said: “Little Bunny Tooth Tooth, I don’t want to see you bothering the children by knocking out their teeth. I gave you a chance to change, and now I’m going to feature you in a book of silly monsters.”

But that very night…

Little Bunny Tooth Tooth skulking through the forest found a little cottage And stole some pearly teeth. Then out came the Good Fairy and said: “Little Bunny Toof Toof, I don’t like you attitude. You’re such a little cretin, Give me back my teef!”

And then she put him in a book of silly monsters.

Well, that tooth was kind of hurting…

LITTLE BUNNY TOOTH TOOTH (5e) Tiny fiend, chaotic evil Armor Class 13 Hit Points 23 (8d4 + 3) Speed 40 ft.

STR 15 (+2), DEX 17 (+3), CON 13 (+1) INT 11 (+0), WIS 12 (+1) CHA 14 (+2)

Skills: Deception +4, Stealth +5 Senses: passive Perception 11 Languages: Infernal, Sylvan, Common Challenge: 1 (200)

Special traits That Rabbit’s Dynamite: Whenever Little Bunny Tooth Tooth’s final attack roll is 3 higher than it needs to be to hit a target, the target must make a DEX or CON save, DC 13 or Little Bunny Tooth Tooth rips out 1d4 of their teeth. If the target has a full helm or other such protection, Little Bunny Tooth Tooth must score a critical hit to rip out teeth. (Humans have 32 teeth. Dogs have 42, Horses have 40. Warning! Do not Google pictures of horse teeth unless you have a paper due soon and want to be unable to sleep.) Dentamancy: Little Bunny Tooth Tooth starts each encounter with 1d8 teeth in his bag of teeth and gathers more with his That Rabbit’s Dynamite ability. He can expend up to one tooth a round (he holds it up and it rots away) as a bonus action to gain a hero point.

Actions Bag Swing/Rabbit Punch Melee Weapon: Attack +5 to hit, reach 5 ft. one target. Hit: 10 (3d4 +3) Bludgeoning damage. This attack may trigger Little Bunny Tooth Tooth’s That Rabbit’s Dynamite ability.

Hermit Mermaid

by Chris Sniezak, Art by Toast

The hermit mermaid is a mer-creature that finds living creatures that are large enough to kill and then occupy by using their bodies as a propulsion engine within the water. They most commonly utilize fish as their tails, because they are excellent propulsion and the mouths are often easy to slide into. Because of this, they are regularly mistaken for your coral variety merfolk. Though, the dead fish eyes on their bodies are often a dead giveaway to their true nature.

When they’re not attached to a creature their lower bodies are a mass of nerve endings that probe and writhe in the water. The bioelectric currents they send out are what they use to kill their prey before sliding inside the carcass and taking it over. When in a body they are carnivores and will eat any fresh meat they come across and have a special fondness for humanoids.

Once in a body they exist within it until they grow out of it. The hermit mermaids never stop growing as long as they keep finding larger and larger bodies to exist within. There’s even a rumor of a hermit  mermaid who inhabits a kraken’s body.

A hermit mermaid’s stats depend a lot on what it’s lower body is. You’ll be choosing between sets of numbers to make this monster fit the flavor you decide for your hermit mermaid.

Wouldn’t wearing a shark hurt?

HERMIT MERMAID (5e) Medium humanoid, neutral Armor Class 13 Hit Points 28 (8d8 – 8) Speed 0 ft., Swim. 15 ft

STR 10 (+0), DEX 12 (+1), CON 9 (-1) INT 15 (+2), WIS 14 (+2), CHA 16 (+3)

Senses: Darkvision 120ft., passive perception 12 Languages: common, primordial Challenge: 3 (450)

Special Traits Plug and Play: When the hermit mermaid has a dead body it can can take a minute to enter that dead body and gain the following:

The higher of the AC, movement, Str, Dex, and Con.

Any Physical special abilities of the body that make sense for it having been took over. Of course anything to do with the mouth or the brain is just out since the creature is dead and the hermit mermaid inhabits the mouth.

Add the former creatures maximum HP to the hermit mermaid’s total HP. When taking damage the HP gained from the creature are the first lost.

Add any attacks that make sense.

If the hermit mermaid leaves the body it loses all of the benefits.

Actions Punch: Melee Weapon Attack: +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one creature. Hit: 2 (1d4) bludgeoning. Shocking Neromass: Melee Attack: +6 to hit, reach 5 ft., one creature. Hit: 21 (6d6) lightning damage and the target must make a DC 13 constitution saving throw or be stunned until the end of the hermit mermaid’s next turn. The hermit mermaid can only use this attack when they’re not utilizing a dead body.

The April Foolio of Fiends published first on https://medium.com/@ReloadedPCGames

[spamzineglasgow]

SPAM Digest #2 (Oct 2018)

A quick list of the editors’ current favourite critical essays, post-internet think pieces, and literature reviews that have influenced the way we think about contemporary poetics, technology and storytelling.

‘How to Write About a Vanishing World’, by Elizabeth Kolbert, The New Yorker

Like many others, I’ve spent a week in a state of grief about the recent IPCC report. I’m all over The Guardian like a traumatised fungus, trying to find nourishment in the form of answers, devouring data I don’t understand. I sense the dyspeptic effects of all those figures. Thank goodness for Elizabeth Kolbert, author of The Sixth Extinction: An Unnatural History (2014), who draws us back to the role of narrative in making sense of our vanishing world. Provocatively she opens with the familiar trope of the ‘stormy night’ and tells of ‘an American herpetologist named Marty Crump’ who, after a neighbourly tip, discovers the emergence of golden toads not far from her home in northwest Costa Rica. This is in the late eighties. These strange and beautiful creatures are part of the biospheric treasure trove whose loss Kolbert then documents across the intervening decades, up to the present. By the turn of the century, she suggests, biology had become a practice of living elegia: ‘A biologist could now choose a species to study and watch it disappear, all within the course of a few field seasons’.

Her article collects numerous other stories of scientists losing their subject — from Arctic ice to Great Barrier corals — until extinction becomes the presiding litany of our times. She notes how researchers find themselves paralysed, unsure of intended outcomes when faced with such scales of ecological loss. Even as scientific projects to assist vulnerable ecosystems gather in nuance and strength, there’s a sense that we’re already fighting a losing game. Science becomes a question of narrative transmission, as much as active intervention; by doing research, you’re sending some sort of message of hope. As Kolbert puts it, ‘Hope and its doleful twin, Hopelessness, might be thought of as the co-muses of the modern eco-narrative’, inspiring nature writers and scientists alike. The central question is ‘how we relate to that loss’: is it a question of elegy and mourning, or sparking a call to arms? Even those writers who urge us to act, who celebrate the potentials of direct intervention, admit that none of this will happen fast enough to make a lasting difference. Ending on the phrase ‘Lalalalalala, can’t hear you!’, Kolbert sardonically evokes that familiar, Trumpian stage of climate denial which has been rearing its all-too-human, deluded head of late. But what persists is the value of keeping on — ‘Narrating the disaster becomes a way to try to avert it’ (and here I am reminded of Maurice Blanchot’s writing of the disaster as a polysemous, irreducible event) — writing, as Kolbert does in this piece, our stories in the face of defeat. An earnest act in the face of inevitable cynicism, a careful digestion of failure. Maybe ecological writing just needs to be more metamodern. 

M.S.

‘Your favorite Twitter bots are about die, thanks to upcoming rule changes’, By Oscar Schwartz, Quartz

Twitter bots fans, you might want to take a seat: there could be some terrible news out there. According to Oscar Schwartz and his article on Quartz, many of our favourite sources of coded linguistic beauty might disappear in the coming months due to what he calls ‘a company-wide attempt to eradicate malicious bots from the platform.’ A couple months ago, Twitter announced that they would start requiring bot developers to undergo a thorough vetting process  in order to gain access to Twitter’s programming interface (where the essence of a Twitter bot lies) - an amount of bureaucratic load that prolific bot artists have told Schwartz would simply be too much work to keep up with.

Regardless of the bleak prediction, the think piece reads less like a eulogy for Twitter bots, and more like a defense of them. Schwartz provides us here with a real goldmine for Twitter bots to follow -  from Jia Zhang’s @censusAmericans, which composes little biographies of nameless Americans by compiling information provided to the open census database, to Allison Parrish's @the_ephemerides, which couples images of distant planets from NASA’s archive with computer-generated poetry. In a statement to Schwartz, Parrish (a poet, computer-programmer, and educator as well as a Twitter-botter) states that ‘asking permission to make a bot is like asking someone permission to do graffiti on a wall (...) It undermines everything that is interesting about bot-making.” - a point that is not only rhetorically effective, but possibly a very productive way of conceptualising Twitter-bots as an art form.

‘For these bot-makers, letting their creations die off on Twitter is an act of protest. It’s not so much directed at the new developer rules, but at the platform’s broader ideology. “For me it’s becoming clear that Twitter is driven by a kind of metrics mindset that is antithetical to quality communication,” Parrish says. “These recent changes have nothing to do with limiting violent or racist language on the platform and are all about making it more financially viable.”

[Darius] Kazemi [another prominent bot artist] agrees, adding that to continue making creative bots on Twitter is making a bargain with the devil. “We’re being asked to trade in our creative freedom for exposure to a large audience,” he says. “But I am beginning to suspect that once we all leave Twitter, they will realize that we represent a lot of what made Twitter good, and that maybe the platform needs fun bot makers more than we need Twitter.”’

D.B.

‘Erasing the signs of labour under the signs of happiness: “joy” and “fidelity” as bromides in literary translation’, by Sophie Collins, The Poetry Society

Some of our most significant intellectual epiphanies occur in lecture theatres, often in resistance to the lecture in question. Maybe this is a form of vicarious translation. In her piece, Collins begins with an anecdote about a lecture she was looking forward to leaving her cold. The speaker’s takeaway slogan, the ‘joy of translation’, rang hollow as a company ‘mission statement’. Against this platitude from the corporate happiness factory, Collins explores the affective entanglements of reading translation through various types of negativity, the disciplinary disparities around its process, intentions and attendant critical debates. Drawing upon her own experience in translating literature from the Dutch, Collins explores the value of acknowledging struggle in translation — from ‘uncertainty and self-consciousness’ to ‘breakdown and frustration’. She makes room for the translator’s own vexed identity to be critically recognised in the process, and thus asks for analytic frameworks which keep in mind the theories around hybridity posited by thinkers such as Gayatri Spivak, Homi K. Bhaba and Julia Kristeva.

Working through the negative space of translation, Collins goes on to deconstruct the concept of ‘joy’ itself, upon whose insistence various arms of society’s ideological apparatus are able to keep us in stasis and check: ‘Given that the desire for happiness can cover signs of its negation, a revolutionary politics has to work hard to stay proximate to unhappiness’. Joy becomes less a personal experience than ‘something more like obedience to a collective cause’. Translation might allow us to notice relationality and difference between cultures; but as a creative act in itself, translation also provides a discursive technology for intervention in structures of power. Often denigrated as secondary or indeed ‘women’s work’, translation occupies a precarious position in the ‘creative hierarchy’, and this is reinforced by vacuous proclamations about its joy. Whose joy are we reveering here anyway? What we need, Collins argues, is a more complex set of theories around translation, which bring into play its disruptive, ‘negative’ aspects. Her productive alternative to ‘fidelity’ or ‘faithfulness’ as the goal or logic for translation is that of ‘intimacy’: a translation process that ‘exhibits a heightened contextualisation of its source text for the reader’; one that bears with it the often fraught emotional truths around the act of moving between texts, times, cultural tones and affective states. Emotional truths whose discernment opens a space for seriously ‘affirm[ing] the possibility of change’:

As a proposed ideal for translations, ‘intimacy’ brings with it its own questions, problematics and risks. Ultimately, however, my application of the term is intended to shift the translation relationship from a place of universality, heteronormacy, authority and centralised power, towards a particularised space whose aesthetics are determined by the two or more people involved, in this way amplifying and promoting creativity and deviant aesthetics in translations between national languages. 

M.S.

‘On Translating Human Acts’ by Han Kang - By Deborah Smith in Asymptote

Han Kang plays language with the kind of near-unbearable intensity which Jacqueline du Pré applied to the cello, exploring its sensory possibilities through a continual detailing of the minutely physical—a bead of sweat trickling down the nape of a neck, the rasp of even the softest fabric against skin—which builds to such a pitch that even the slightest physical contact, no matter how intentionally tender or gently performed, is felt as violence, as violation.

As someone who works in the field, I'm always eager to read the translator's note before commencing my reading of the work. Translators' introductions, beyond outlining the context of any novel, tend to reveal the hyper-specific difficulties they faced when attempting to replicate linguistic nuances of the source language into the target language. In this case, one example given was the 'brick-thick Gwangju dialect', as Korean dialects are distinguished by grammatical differences rather than individual words. Looking to avoid 'translationese', Smith identifies that her primary concern was the effect the text had over the reader, rather than specific syntactic structures, aiming for 'a non specific colloquialism that would carry the warmth Han intended'. 

Already intrigued by Smith's introduction, and after having finished Human Acts, I continued my research of Smith, coming across much of the criticism she received by many academics for her translations of both The Vegetarian (she had been studying Korean for only three years before commencing this work) and Human Acts. In this essay, Smith takes us on a journey through the complexities and challenges she faced as a translator. One that really stuck out to me was the necessity to find as many possible synonyms for the verb 'to erase'. This word continued to resurface in the original often as a straight repetition. As Smith notes, Korean is 'far more tolerant' of this than English. I had once encountered a similar issue myself when translating a memoir based in one Rio de Janeiro's jails. The prisoners in that text frequently used the word 'parada', a local slang that can mean 'thing', 'business', 'occurrence', but is context specific. The heavy repetition of any of these options in English didn't read well, making the text clunky and awkward. Only through methodically finding specific synonyms to match with each context was I able to resolve this.

Out of all the nuances and subtleties Smith had to work through, none can be more thought-provoking than the title itself, 'Human Acts'. As Smith notes, a literal translation of the Korean would have resulted in the slightly awkward title 'The boy is coming', leaving her with the tricky task of finding a captivating title that retained the neutrality of the original. Read the full article to hear about which elements Smith had to keep in mind when deciding how to translate Kang's 'restrained Korean'.

M.P.