#he was a beautiful fish and i appreciated his company because beta's are actually pretty smart and usually grow to recognize you.

[kingwaino]

i don't talk about him a lot on here but a couple years ago i got a beta fish which i so sweetly named sebass-tian hamil-fin. i'd never had a fish before but at the time, since i wasn't in my apartment a lot, a fish was really the only thing i could care for. unfortunately, he passed away today.

i didn't think i'd be this upset by it because i could kind of tell over the past week or two that he wasn't doing too well. i tried my best to make him feel better but unfortunately, it wasn't enough.

i plan to go and get another fish tomorrow but i just...don't really know how to feel about it right now. he was my first fish and certainly won't be my last.

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

Auld Lang Syne

Word Count: 5895

Author’s Note: Hi. I normally write over at FFN or AO3, but I’ve been struggling with some writer’s block. Anyhow, Happy new year!

“Happy New Year, Gil!” Jim’s arms wrapped around me and squeezed me. Maybe a fraction of a second too long, if I were prone to over-analysis. I was prone to over-analysis. He leaned back, as though he was going to let go, smiled, and hugged me again, again, just that touch too long. “Goodbye 2264.”

“Yeah. Fuck 2264,” I smiled, returning the second hug as warmly as I had the first.

“I love you, Kate,” he murmured, and then broke away from me, moving to the gorgeous woman standing beside me. As his arms wrapped around her, his lips met hers in a passionate new year’s kiss. Almost too passionate for mixed company. My extra millisecond worth of hug lost its value. As did the strength of Jim’s words. There had been no kiss for me. And the love he spoke of was the love of a brother to a sister. I knew that, and I loved him in return. But I still wished things had been different back when our paths had first crossed. I wasn’t big on wondering what if, but I had my moments. And what if things had been different when Jim Kirk and I had first met?

XXX

9 years earlier…

“The biggest coffee you have please,” I faced the barista and gestured with my hands, making sure I was clearly explaining I wanted something even larger than their largest coffee. He smiled and nodded.

“All night study session?” He asked, pulling a large cup off the stack. “Unfortunately twenty ounces is as big as they come.”

“Is there any way to make it stronger?” I asked, eyeing the cup suspiciously.

“Quad shot 20 ounce Americano?” The guy standing behind me offered. “Should give you a little extra anyhow.”

I turned around to thank him, and was faced with one of the most beautiful men I’d ever seen. The first thing I saw was just how ridiculously blue his eyes were. Then I caught the strong jaw, full lips, and broad smile. Nice shoulders, and matching cadet reds to my own. I felt myself self-consciously smoothing the front of my skirt, feeling tired, and worn thin compared to his dazzling appearance.

“Thank you?”

“I mean, the specific chemistry of drip versus espresso suggests that it’s six of one, half dozen of the other, but I always find that the espresso feels like more. Even though they’re really close when it comes to milligrams of caffeine per serving,” he continued. I blinked, slowly. “Sorry, Jim Kirk. Nice to meet you.”

“Katherine Gilbert,” I replied. The barista handed me my coffee, and I scrambled for my card to pay. Jim stepped up and handed his to the barista.

“I’ll have the same, and let me cover hers.” He was confident. Maybe a little cocky. I smiled and closed my eyes as I inhaled the rich aroma of the coffee in my hands.

“Thanks, Jim -” I began, only to be cut off by a pretty Orion girl brushing past me and slinging her arms around Jim’s neck.

“Jimmy! I’ve been waiting for you outside for, like, fifteen minutes. What is taking so long, it’s just a coffee?” She asked, planting her lips on his cheek. In a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment, I caught a flash of irritation and a hint of pink rising to Jim’s cheeks. I turned away and found myself a spot to sit in the sunlight and study, assuming our interaction was done. I’d heard of Jim Kirk before. He was notorious for his romantic conquests, and slightly less well-known because of his incredible intellect. But he was also famed for his enormous ego. I was just another girl he’d flirt with on his way through Starfleet. I sighed and went back to my studying.

“Look, I aced exochem last semester, so if you’re needing any help -” his voice interrupted my thoughts again. I looked up and was surprised to see the Orion girl was gone. I waited for him to continue his thought. He sat down across from me. “I did really well, is all I’m saying.”

“I am not enjoying it at all. Any help you could offer would be appreciated,” I admitted, assuming this wasn’t just another opportunity for him to flirt. He was going to be spread pretty thin if he was carrying on with the Orion girl amongst his other admirers. He scooted his chair around the table until he was beside me, and started with the section I was struggling with.

XXX

“Gil!” I heard Bones calling my nickname as I headed down the corridor back to my quarters. “Gil! Stop!” I paused and turned, waiting for him to catch up.

“What’s up?” I asked, furrowing my brow.

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” he raised an eyebrow. “You left the party awfully fast after the countdown.”

“I’m on alpha shift tomorrow, Leonard. You should know that,” I laughed. “You’re the one who booked me.”

Leonard raised his eyebrow again and followed me as I started back down the hallway. “Why don’t you just tell him?”

I stopped in front of my room and waited for the door to open and lifted both my eyebrows at Leonard as I passed through the door. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

Leonard snorted and followed me into the room. “You’ve been soft on Jim Kirk since we were at the Academy. And don’t try to deny it to me, I’ve been watching you dance around those feelings for the last ten years.”

“Nine,” I corrected, my reply coming out with next to no sound. I dropped into the chair and sighed. Leonard sat down across from me. “It’s been nine since we met. And I’d like to remind you, I am married.”

Leonard made another disgusted sound. “Hardly. When was the last time you saw Kevin?”

“Shore leave at Yorktown,” I replied instantly.

“When was the last time you shared a bed with him?” He pressed. I glared at him in warning.

“Bones -”

“I’m serious, Gil. You might be married but it’s not like you ever contact each other. He forgot your goddamn birthday, he never sent a message on your anniversary, and I know for a fact he didn’t respond to your Christmas message.” Leonard was ruthless. I bit my lip and looked away. The truth was, we’d only bumped into each other in passing at Yorktown. Leonard was more right than he realized.

“The status of my marriage doesn’t change the fact that I am married,” I argued. “And more to the point, it doesn’t change the reality that Jim does not care about me in that way.”

“He did,” Leonard countered. My brow furrowed and my eyes narrowed.

“The hell he did. You’re insane,” I retorted.

XXX

“I need your particular expertise for this exercise, Gil.” Jim was seated across from me, imploring me to help him with some plot or other. I hadn’t really been paying attention, as I was trying to study. “I wish you could focus on me as much as you do that textbook.”

“You can’t get me qualified, Jim,” I laughed. Jim pushed the huge coffee toward me.

“I came bearing gifts, Gil, hear me out,” he countered. “And I think this will actually help with your qualification because you’ll be getting hands on experience in synthesizing an anti-toxin.”

I took a sip of the coffee. The man knew my weaknesses. Ever since getting me hooked on the Americano the previous year, he’d lured me into all kinds of shenanigans by bribing me with the strong, dark drink. I easily would have agreed to most of the mischief just to spend more time with him. There was something about Jim Kirk that drew me in. But despite his reputation as a ladies man, he’d never gone there with me. I was just one of the guys, right down to him de-gendering me with the masculine nickname based on my last name.

“I’m listening,” I prompted.

“I need an anti-toxin that will allow me to stay out of the control of Orion wo-”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Jim, is this seriously what you’re asking?” I interrupted. “Dude, if you want to bone your way across the galaxy, that’s your own business. But I’m not going to help you get through the Orion population at the Academy.” I powered down my PADD and rose from the table we were both sitting at. I dropped it in my bag, took the coffee Jim had attempted to bribe me with and headed to the door. He scrambled to follow.

“Gil, please!” He called. “Hear me out!” I stopped, allowing him to catch up to me before walking across the quad toward my dorm.

“This better be good,” I raised an eyebrow and set my jaw. He smiled and dropped his arm around my shoulder, bringing me close against him in confidence.

“I really need you to trust me that this isn’t about boning my way through the galaxy,” he murmured. “But I can’t tell you exactly what I’m up to because I don’t want you to be caught in the crossfire if it backfires on me.”

I sighed and resigned myself to a life where every time Jim Kirk asked me for a favour, I would roll over and do his bidding. And I sent out a wish that I not wind up serving with him when we finished up at the Academy. All because his stupid beautiful face had piqued my interest, and his stupid, interesting brain had roped me in.

XXX

The lab was quiet, unsurprisingly, considering most people were sleeping off their new year’s hangovers. I wasn’t sure why Bones had scheduled me for Alpha, but I wasn’t about to pry open that kettle of fish after our heart-to-heart after the party. On our last away mission, we’d encountered a plant that sprayed a fluid that seemed benign initially, but was activated by the higher oxygen level we maintained on the Enterprise. The result had been a dermatological emergency that left many of the away team with weeping blisters and skin that sloughed off at the merest pressure. The away team had been stabilized in medbay since the incident, the pain from the sores well managed, but we were still working on synthesizing a treatment for it. Instead of cancelling the New Year’s celebrations, Jim had asked Bones to keep the lab crew working through the night. I certainly didn’t have the worst shift, and truth be told, had I continued with my usual Beta shift, I might have over-indulged. Given how lousy my year had been, I couldn’t blame Bones for believing I’d try to erase the memories with cheap synthehol.

“Computer, play music,” I spoke into the silence as I sat down.

“Specify request, Doctor Gilbert,” the computer responded.

“Kate Gilbert study playlist one,” I requested.

“Thank you, Doctor Gilbert. Queuing playlist,” the computer responded, and moments later, the familiar music filled the room. It was my lucky playlist, the playlist I’d listened to when I’d managed the Orion anti-pheromone for Jim, the playlist that had accompanied my discovery of a vaccine for Andorian shingles, the playlist that had motivated me to formulate symptom suppressants for six different variants of common cold. If I were to have any chance of fixing this skin disease, this playlist would be my companion.

XXX

“Gil! Gil! It worked!” Jim barrelled through the doors of the lab without regard for anyone who might have been trying to work quietly. I looked up from my station, and carefully laid down the pipette in my hand before he smashed into me, his arms wrapping around my waist. He planted a wet kiss on my cheek.

“What worked?” I asked, without looking up from my experiment. He squeezed me again and finally released me when he realized I wasn’t going to return the embrace.

“The anti-pheromone! You’re going to win some kind of fellowship for this, I can tell,” he announced. My lab partner returned from the chemical lock-up and sighed. Jim offered his hand in introduction. “Jim Kirk. Did you work with Gil on the anti-pheromone?”

“Kevin Finn,” my partner responded, grasping Jim’s hand in his own. I was struck by the differences between them. Where Jim was always perfectly put together, Kevin had a slight mad scientist look to him, his hair frequently messy, and almost always sporting five-o’clock shadow. He insisted on wearing thick, dark framed glasses, even though there was a quick recovery period for corrective vision surgery. He was geeky. Sexy in his own way, but definitely sexy in a completely different way from Jim. “No, I am working on synthesizing a cure for the colonists on Proxima B. They’ve got a wasting disease that presents like leprosy that has been spreading through the population. It’s a little more important than a shot to allow you to copulate with Orions without consequence.” Kevin had been hypercritical of my willingness to help Jim, unable to see the long-term benefits of the anti-pheromone. Some of the criticism might have been based in jealousy about the amount of time Jim took up.

“Have you found a cure yet?” Jim asked, unfazed by the criticism. Kevin flushed.

“Not yet,” he answered honestly, shrugging his broad shoulders.

“Maybe you should get Gil to help you out. She’s brilliant and could probably get you on track in no time. At the very least, more time in her presence might make you a more pleasant individual,” Jim winked. I bit my lip, trying to smother either a laugh or an argument in favour of Kevin’s disposition. Kevin was a quiet guy, but he was quite kind, and usually very polite. “I’ll see you tonight then, Gil?”

“Actually, Katherine has plans with me tonight,” Kevin countered. “I find her brilliance to be more than a commodity to be taken advantage of, Kirk.” Jim looked as though he’d been slapped, and paled. He looked over at me. I smiled weakly.

“We’ve been seeing each other for about a month now, Jim,” I offered. Jim nodded and stepped back.

“I hope you have a nice date,” he returned. “I will be putting in a student recommendation for recognition, Gil. I think you did some fantastic work on that anti-pheromone, and I can see a lot of diplomatic applications for it.”

XXX

“In the lab testing, the compound counteracted the acid causing the blisters. It should be trialed on one of the away team as soon as possible,” I held out vial to Bones. He smirked, and nodded.

“And you were all bitter that I had you on Alpha this morning. Work this good might dictate a change over to the morning shift permanently,” he teased.

“You know as well as I do that this was a team effort, Leonard.” I gestured to the rest of the lab crew.

“You’re a helluva deductive mind, Gil. I don’t doubt that the entire lab worked their asses off on this, but things seem to come together a lot quicker when you’re helming the team,” Bones acknowledged. “Makes me wish you were more interested in working in medbay, instead of hiding out back here.”

“My work is just as important as yours,” I laughed.

“I know. That’s why I don’t push for you to do your clinical rotations,” he agreed. “Bloom where you’re planted be damned.”

“Bones, my bedside manner is worse than yours, that’s why you don’t push me to do my clinical rotations.” I enjoyed the way Bones managed Medical. He was intuitive about staff, and seemed to know exactly where we were best suited. So much so, that he disregarded Starfleet regulations about rotation and just kept us where we were best suited. I hadn’t had to care for a sick crewman in months.

XXX

“Marry me.” There was no ring. It was just Kevin and I, squished together in my dorm room bed. He had confessed his love to me months earlier, within the first couple of months of dating, so it wasn’t terribly surprising that he was proposing six months into our relationship. I certainly felt fondly about him. But I didn’t know if I loved him. He didn’t leave me breathless with want. He didn’t give me butterflies in my stomach. But there was a deep abiding comfort that came from spending time with him. He completely accepted me, he either didn’t notice my flaws or felt they were unimportant in the scheme of things. He expressed his love physically as well as verbally, kissing the soft skin of my thick thighs while he waited for my answer. “Marry me, Kate.”

“This seems unplanned,” I breathed as he drew lazy circles around my belly button with the tip of his finger.

“I’ve been thinking about it for a while. It might have slipped out before I was completely prepared,” he admitted. “Doesn’t mean I don’t mean it, Kate. Marry me.”

“Of course I’ll marry you,” I agreed. It made sense to marry him. He loved me. I probably loved him. Neither of us had any one else banging down our doors in competition. We wouldn’t have to cram ourselves into a single bed in my dorm room, lovemaking rushed and sometimes unsatisfactory because my roommate was out if we were married.

“I’ll file paperwork tomorrow, and request family accommodations?”

“How about a ring first. An engagement? A wedding? My parents would kill me if I just announced I’d married a man they’d never met,” I countered. He smiled slowly, and pressed his lips against mine.

“That’s fair,” he agreed.

XXX

“You keep racking up commendations like this, and you’ll outrank all of us soon.” Jim smiled as he threaded the pin through my dress uniform. I laughed.

“We both know that’s not how it works. I live my life in blue. I’ve got no plans on switching to gold.” I could switch to Command with a few exams, but I liked what I was doing.

“The admiral at Yorktown is making noise about you being a benefit to the research labs there,” he countered. I shook my head.

“And give up all this?” I gestured vaguely to the surrounding room. Jim laughed.

“I’d hate to lose you again, Gil.” Jim shook my hand and then pulled me into a one-armed hug.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

XXX

“I thought you joined Starfleet to see the universe?” Jim asked. I spun the simple ring Kevin had chosen on my finger.

“And?”

“Starfleet prefers to place married couples at colonial outposts or on Starbases,” Jim pointed out.

“A Starbase still means I’ll see space,” I shrugged. Jim shook his head.

“You’ll be wasted somewhere like that. Look at how you figured out the anti-pheromone. Or the Proxima B Leprosy. What other diseases will go unmanaged if you waste away in some backwoods colony, or some Starbase in the hinterlands of space?” Jim argued.

“I appreciate your concern, Jim, but if Starfleet needs me to be on the frontier, they’ll find a way for both Kevin and I to be out there in the black together,” I countered.

“I don’t like it, Gil,” he grumbled. Leonard sat down at the empty seat at the table, coffee in hand.

“That’s only because Gil’s the only girl at the Academy that hasn’t succumbed to your charm. And now she’s squared away, and your chance is gone.” Bones winked at me. I rolled my eyes. Jim had never once expressed that kind of interest in me, which of course, meant that Bones took every opportunity to suggest I was still on Jim’s to-do list.

“Gil’s not the kind of girl you love and leave,” Jim admitted. It left me puzzled. “Just think about what you’re doing to your career, Gil. If you aren’t a hundred percent sure of the trade-off, he’s not worth it.”

“Damnit Jim, I’m not one of your simpering bimbos, sitting by my comm, wondering if he’s going to call me back. We’ve been together for nearly a year now. He loves me. He wants a future with me,” I snapped, pushing myself to my feet. “Christ, you’re one to fucking talk about not being worth it.” I grabbed my bag and stormed away, furious.

“How many times do I have to tell you not to tangle with the redheads, Jim. You never win.” I overheard Bones’s laughter as I headed toward the lab building.

XXX

I was staring out the observation deck window, trying to take stock of the document on my PADD. Kevin had filed for divorce. No communication leading up to it, no attempt at reconciliation. Just an accusation of marital abandonment. And now he wasn’t answering my comm requests. I flopped into a chair and stared into the black ahead of me.

I heard giggling and sunk deeper into the overstuffed cushions, wanting to hide my shame and failure from whoever was headed into the lounge. The feminine laughter sounded breathless.

“I’m supposed to be on shift right now,” she protested. It didn’t sound like much of a protest, really.

“You’re entitled to breaks, Ensign.” The distinct timbre of Jim’s voice floated toward me, and I closed my eyes, wishing I could sink even further into the chair. Another giggle from the unidentified ensign, and a rumble of low laughter from Jim, and I couldn’t take it. I coughed and stood up, turning toward the door in a hurry. I didn’t notice my PADD falling to the floor in my haste to leave the lounge, but I did recognize the same ensign from New Years. Jim had been pretty careful about his romantic assignations during the mission, and it wasn’t like him to spend a lot of time with just one woman. She must be something special.

“Gil?” Jim caught sight of me just as I was dashing from the room. I didn’t stop. I felt hot tears pricking at my eyes and was unsure if I was crying from the loss of my marriage or the loss of the thought of Jim. I enabled the privacy control on my door and went to bed.

XXX

“I don’t understand. How could I be assigned to the Enterprise? Kevin got assigned to Yorktown. We specifically requested marital assignments.” I glared at Spock. As the Science Officer aboard the Enterprise, it was his position to work with the Academy to facilitate the assignments of graduates. He raised one eyebrow, but otherwise remained expressionless.

“Lieutenant Finn requested the Yorktown research facilities specifically as an assignment. The override on your request was needs-based,” Spock explained.

“So why wouldn’t he be assigned with me?” I asked, confused.

“He was offered assignment on the Enterprise, and turned it down,” Spock explained. “I am surprised he did not communicate this to you.”

“You and me both.” I looked down at my communicator and decided confronting my husband in person would be more appropriate, given the circumstance. “Please register my request to be assigned at Yorktown.”

I found Kevin in the lab, working. He looked pleased to see me, which suggested either he’d grossly underestimated my response to the assignments, or just wasn’t aware of them yet. “What were you thinking, not talking to me about this?”

“Well, it’s a simple synthesis of a non-organic compound that I thought might be helpful in the treatment of -”

“You know good and goddamn well that is not what I am talking about, Kevin! I just got my assignment. Astonishingly, it is not with you,” I interrupted. He pursed his lips and nodded.

“Right.” He stepped away from his workstation. “Kate, I can’t stand Jim Kirk. I didn’t want to work under him.”

“You wouldn’t be working under him, you’d be working under the science officer and the CMO. I’m not sure about Spock, but Bones is a good man,” I argued. Kevin sighed and took my hands in his.

“I’m sorry, I just,” he trailed off, “The Enterprise is small, compared to a Starbase. I knew I would encounter him, and have to work with him.”

“And you couldn’t tell me that?”

“He’s your friend, Kate,” Kevin offered, as though it explained everything.

“So what?” I exploded. “Kevin, you are my husband! You promised to love and honour me! How is being deceptive about your assignment honourable?”

“I didn’t want to spend five fucking years watching Jim Kirk try to seduce the only woman I’ve ever seen rebuff his advances, Kate. Particularly when she happens to be the woman I love!” Kevin never raised his voice. He never lost his temper. He was flushed and his hands were shaking. “I had a choice between Yorktown and watching him try to charm you out of your knickers. I chose Yorktown.”

I didn’t even realize I’d raised my hand until my palm cracked against his face. “How dare you suggest I would break our wedding vows.”

“Deny that you love Jim Kirk,” Kevin countered, rubbing the red mark on his cheek.

“I will not. Like you said, Jim is my friend. I love him like a brother,” I countered. Kevin shook his head and sighed again.

“When we got married, you chose not to change your name. Why?” He asked.

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, confused by the sudden change in topic.

“Just answer me,” he requested.

“Because everyone calls me Gil. And it wouldn’t make sense to call me Gil if my last name was Finn,” I replied. “We discussed that before we got married. You said -”

“Jim calls you Gil. His friends call you Gil. Everyone else calls you Kate,” Kevin interrupted. “You didn’t want to change your name because you didn’t want to change the parameters of your relationship with him.”

“Kevin,” I paused and shook my head. “Jim Kirk has never been interested in me. And I’m hardly interested in being another notch in his headboard. He is my friend. That’s all. This is as ludicrous as suggesting Bones and I are about to fall into bed with one another.”

Kevin let out a short bark of angry laughter. “I wouldn’t think you and Bones were about to fall into bed with each other if you were already there, half naked. But I don’t trust Jim Kirk. And I don’t believe you realize how you feel about him.”

“You realize that this is our last night together until we can arrange shore leave together?” I asked. “Because you have an issue with Jim, we’re going to be apart, starting tomorrow, for the next five years. Shore leave only. Because of your fucking pride.”

“I love you, Kate. I want a future with you.” He took my face in his hands and dropped a kiss to my lips. “But I won’t serve on the Enterprise.”

“Then neither will I,” I determined. “I’ll go talk to Spock again.”

“Spock didn’t decide to place you on the Enterprise. Kirk did.” With that bomb dropped, Kevin turned back to his workstation and resumed his project.

XXX

I couldn’t find my PADD anywhere in my quarters, and realized I must have left it in the observation deck lounge. I headed there before my shift, but it was nowhere to be found.

“Shit.” I swore under my breath, wondering where it had gone. I thumped my head on the glass, and my cares vanished. It was just me and the stars.

“Looking for this?” My PADD appeared in my peripheral vision. I leaned back off the glass and took it from Jim.

“Thanks,” I said. It was still powered up, still open to the letter from the lawyer. I felt heat rush to my cheeks. He extended his arm, and I dodged out of his reach.

“Gil, I’m -”

“Don’t, Jim,” I interrupted. “Not today.” I flopped back into the chair and dropped my head into my hands, remembering my wedding day.

XXX

“You might be the most beautiful woman in Starfleet, Gil,” Bones offered, kissing my cheek.

“You need your eyes checked, old man,” I laughed, swatting at him with my bouquet. “Flatterer.” He smiled and squeezed my hand, moving to Kevin in the receiving line that my parents had insisted on.

“Congratulations, Finn. Don’t hide her away on some backwater colony, make sure you two wind up in the fleet somewhere. It’d be a pleasure to have you both in my lab on the Enterprise. When she’s repaired.” Leonard shook Kevin’s hand and clapped him on the shoulder.

“Well, we still have a year, Doctor McCoy. I guess we’ll see what Starfleet has in mind when we graduate.” Kevin’s smile was forced. He glanced past Leonard to whoever was standing waiting for my attention and his smile faltered for a moment. I looked back, into the same stunning blue eyes I’d first encountered in that coffee shop three years earlier.

“You look amazing, Kate.” Jim was standing with a cane. I wasn’t sure of the details because Bones refused to tell me and Jim said it was water under the bridge, but he’d been injured somehow in the firefight between the Enterprise and Khan. He was pale, which only served to make his eyes seem bluer. He leaned forward, and pressed his lips to my temple. “I love you, kid.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn’t the first time he’d said it, but it felt different. I struggled to come up with a response, and I could feel the tension radiating off of Kevin. “You look well. Bones won’t tell me what happened, but I’m glad to see you up and around.”

“We can talk about it another time. Today is about you, beautiful.” His smile was tired and sad. He took my hand and kissed my knuckles, his lips grazing across my wedding band. “You know I’m always here for you.”

There, of course, hadn’t been another time, and I found out through the grapevine during my reception that Jim had actually died of radiation poisoning before Leonard had been able to synthesize some kind of cure.

“Is it true?” I demanded as he led me onto the dance floor for a slow song.

“What’s done is done, Gil,” he deflected. “I’m fine now.”

“You’re pale and still need a cane,” I countered. “That’s hardly fine.”

“I’m vertical and on the right side of the dirt,” he retorted. “I count that as a win.”

“Not for those of us you’d leave behind,” I argued, feeling the unmistakable heat of tears at the corners of my eyes.

“But I didn’t leave anyone behind. So don’t waste tears on me. Not today. It’s not the right time,” he pleaded. I blinked and drew in a sharp breath.

“You know I love you too,” I pointed out.

“I count on it,” he pulled me a little closer. “You and Bones, you know. You’re the closest thing I have to family.”

“You have your whole crew, Jim. They adore you,” I reminded him.

“But you two were the first. I hope he makes you happy, Kate. You deserve happiness.”

XXX

I dropped my wedding set in the box of things I was shipping back to Yorktown, to Kevin. He’d precipitated the exchange by sending me a single envelope with his wedding band. I was taking the low road, and being exceptionally petty. Every single thing tainted by his memory was going into the box. I sealed it and carried it down to the transporter room.

“Scotty, can you ship this to Yorktown, to the attention of Lieutenant Kevin Finn?” I asked. “If it happens to ignite into a ball of flame on the way, I won’t be sad.”

“Of course, lass.” He patted my shoulder and smiled. “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Not unless that machine can be tuned to erase memory,” I joked. Scotty shook his head.

“We are the sum of our experiences, lass. In time, this one will just be another piece of what makes you strong,” he suggested.

“One can only hope,” I sighed. “Thanks.” I made my way back to the lab, and caught a glimpse of Jim talking to the same ensign as I’d seen him with previously. I blinked away tears and rerouted myself to my room. It was idiotic of me to think that just because I was suddenly available, Jim would seek me out. He’d never been interested while I was unmarried, so I was hardly going to be interesting as a divorcee. At least I had a reason to be lurking around the ship with red puffy eyes. Everyone was assuming I was torn up about my marriage. I think Bones was the only one who suspected that wasn’t upsetting me, but I was careful to avoid his observant eyes as much as I could, when I wasn’t on duty.

“You look tired, Gil,” he remarked as I sat down at my station in the lab. I pulled my project out of storage and tried to ignore the comment. “Not sleeping well?”

“Not particularly, no.” Honesty was the best policy with Bones. He had a way of figuring things out regardless.

“Talked to Jim yet?”

“About what?”

“The divorce. Your feelings. His feelings -”

“He’s carrying on with Ensign Summers. I’m pretty sure his feelings are none of my business,” I cut him off.

“I swear I’m going to seal the two of you in a Jeffries tube until you sort yourselves out.” He threw his hands up in disgust and walked away.

XXX

I was sprawled out in my quarters in a tank top and pajama shorts, reading a book on my PADD, trying to block out the past few weeks. My door chimed, and before I could even answer, Jim breezed through them. I scrambled to sit up, entirely too conscious of what I was wearing.

“It’s well past time we talked,” he began.

“Can I get changed?” I asked.

“No.”

“But -”

“You’ve been avoiding me, Lieutenant Commander Gilbert. You’re overdue for your performance evaluation, and Lieutenant Commander McCoy is concerned that your professional conduct is suffering as a result of your personal circumstances. It is my responsibility as captain of this ship to determine your continued fitness to perform your duties.” He stood, the picture of rigid immobility, and every bit the captain he was.

“I see, Captain Kirk. Allow me to make the decision easier for you. I request a transfer to the nearest starbase until I can be reassigned to another ship. I wouldn’t want to be a burden,” I rose and saluted him before walking back to the door to my quarters. I pressed the button to open the door. “Now, if there is nothing else, Captain?”

Jim strode over to me in three steps and smashed his hand against the button, forcing the door to close. “Damnit, Kate!” He was standing too close, and I could feel my heartrate quicken.

“Jim, please -”

“Please? Please what, Gil? Please let you walk away again? No. I won’t. I should have said something before you married Kevin, but I won’t let this pass me by again,” he interrupted. “I’ve told you a dozen times, I love you. When will you believe me?”

“But -” He interrupted me again, placing a hand on either side of my head and dipping his own to kiss me. “Oh.”