#he used every tactic hed learned would scare the shit out of me over the previous 2.5years and did it all in one afternoon

[marxism-transgenderism]

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[03-23-2018]

Please if I ever try to be with my ex again please remind me.

Reasons not to get back together with him:

Reasons I left my ex:

#1 He hit our daughter in the face, left a bruise on her cheek and there's court documents and proof...

(dont be stupid, this should be enough to remind you, Destiny)

#2 Yelled at our son and got mad at him, even though hes only a baby (2-4months old) would set him down really hard and tell him to shut up. Especially when playing video games.

#3 Smoked for hours outside

#4 Smoking was more important than feeding our children

#5 Smoking was more important than changing our kid's diapers

#6 Video games, the phone and friends were more important than paying attention to myself and the kids

#7 He had really stinky feet and crusty socks

#8 He was never taught to do laundry until he met me

#9 He's really messy and leaves stuff everywhere

#10 Lets dishes mold, never rinsed them

#11 Would make me/rarely ever take care of the kids even though I was sick, ill, tired or just came out of the hospital and refused to help because of selfish reasons

#12 Never contributed financially without throwing a fit or asking his parents to cover it for him

#13 Let the cats suffer with nasty litterboxes, let them poop everywhere, never bought them toys, food, etc.

#14 Yelled at me, made mean faces at me, would pound on the door when I needed space

#15 Would bully our child all day and wouldn't stop until I joined in so he could blame me for it or would direct his anger at me for comforting her

#16 Left his hair everywhere in the shower

#17 Never helped lift, carry or move heavy things unless he felt like it, I had to do it most of the time

#18 Went through classes to help with his behavior for a year then later used that knowledge against me to say I was abusive

#19 Wasn't that affectionate overtime, he became distant, moody, agitated

#20 Treated his parents like shit, told them to fuck off and go away when they would try to help him

#21 Eventually I became the new target when his parents weren't around for him to explode on then eventually the kids when I fought back

#22 Would never buy things we needed, often would spend his money on himself for weed, cigs, guitar stuff, etc.

#23 Snores really loud

#24 Wouldn't give me space when I needed it, would refuse to sleep on the couch

#25 Cheated on me while I was pregnant on Halloween which was my favorite Holiday and an ex cheated on me on Halloween and he knew that so he cheated on me the EXACT SAME WAY my ex did, in a car and slept with a newly 18 year old girl at my brothers house

(as well as that Halloween was the best one our daughter had and he ruined it)

#26 Blamed me for the cheating

#27 Hed blame me for a lot of things

#28 7 out of 10 and 181 out of 200 on the MOSAIC test

#29 Never tried to get a vehicle until we separated

#30 Wouldn't respect my feelings, boundaries and continue bringing people into his life that he knew I was uncomfortable with

#31 Threatened to kill my ex boyfriend the first time I moved on from him, never was able to rekindle even a friendship with my ex over that bc he started dating his ex again.

#32 Threatened to drag my ex's dog from the back of a motorcycle bc he claimed he knew the "hells angels"...

#33 Got mad at me if I used the last of our money on OUR kids if he ran out of weed or cigarettes

#34 Had a problem with all of my friends, regardless of gender, but especially if they were overweight, ugly or really close to me.

#35 Often told me I should have had plenty of attractive female friends and was mad that I didn't

#36 Convinced me every guy I talked to was out to harm me, have sex with me or rape and/kill me and to get away from them asap.

#37 Almost left me, pregnant, with our daughter on the streets in Reno so he could go back home to Gridley bc he had work the next day. He didn't care about our safety, he cared more about his job. He yelled at me for about 2-3 hours in the parking lot for refusing to get in the car with his abusive friend's girlfriend (in reno) until some man intervened and took us to get food. He then left me and our daughter stranded for about an hour or two to get our luggage and I had to beg someone to give us enough money to get a hotel and then when my brother showed up to get us he had me leave with his parents bc he had them come get us thus resulting in my bro and his gf probably being a little irritated about everything.

#38 the second time I left him and moved on with a boyfriend he quit his job (the same one he would've abandoned us in reno for) so that way he could stay at home with us

#39 my water broke early and he'd visit me in the hospital very rarely and barely tried, sometimes he'd cause fights in the hospital

#40 yelled at me while our son was in the NICU and rarely wanted to go take care of him when we went to see him

#41 weed, cigs and drinking are very important to his identity and he would judge someone if they didn't partake

#42 Used the "Hells Angels" club to intimidate me or people I knew/loved/cared about over a lot of things

#43 I was the main person who paid for everything, did everything, sent him to walk with my money to get things we needed sometimes having to plead and beg him to do it and it still was never good enough. I never did enough for him or anybody

#44 Would call me psycho a lot or crazy and threaten to do something about it when I'd stand up for myself

#45 Kept his abusive father around even though he almost was killed by him Christmas of 2016

#46 Our kids were told to shut up or stop crying, our first kid by his father when we lived with him then later our son was treated the same by Jesus

#47 Kept anything around that would bother me, did things that'd bother me, constantly would push buttons to keep me miserable even when I opened up and told him it made me miserable he continued doing it

#48 Blamed everything and everyone for his own actions

#49 Would tell me he loved me, but would rarely ever show it

#50 Hated my parents and would talk shit about them any chance he'd get as well as other family members

#51 He'd purposely ignore me when I'd talk and wouldn't reply to me even if he heard me

#52 he’d get mad at the sound of me eating, chewing or any small things that were normal. I noticed he started making me food less and less.

#53 would yell at me if I changed my mind about having sex

#54 Was a VERY ANGRY drunk and did try to hit me or be abusive while drunk

#55 would yell and/or intimidate the kids and me for hours, sometimes we had to lock ourselves in the bedroom, I have recordings of him screaming for hours and banging on the door not allowing us to sleep...

#56 would lie about things to “save face” or keep his reputation clean, especially his DV charges with me + our kid(s) (even though its in court documents and on file)

#57 thought things I learned in my psych class were bullshit and argued with my education

#58 lack of contact for days, weeks, months on end about the children, says one thing does another, doesn’t want to co-parent or get along for the children’s sake, doesn’t want to meet my significant other or meet people the children will be around, which is ridiculous bc I think the children deserve better than that

#59 hated my self expressive part of myself, hated that I was polyamorous, didn’t accept things about me like my openmindedness about lgbt/trans/ things I was passionate about, very close minded and judgemental and held me back from being able to fully be myself

#60 refused to leave my side when we’d break up, would threaten to take the kids to another country, would intimidate or stay in the household or prevent me from being able to move on. No intentions of letting me live my life without him so I had to flee and separate us both from our children to forcibly get him out of the picture.

#61 still had to “save face” myself to slowly break the relationship to move forward

#62 he believed staying together was better for the children, even in a miserable, toxic and extremely unhealthy environment that he made minimal efforts to change

#63 screamed and yelled and made me feel ashamed of myself a lot of the time

#64 would hold our daughter down or use very sexist, overpowering punishments. would use scare tactics or anger towards her.

#65 Never took responsibility for his errors, it was hard to get him to admit his faults. had to use the “dont know what you got until its gone tactic” and walk away or cut off communication, if even possible

#66 his parents called me by his exes name for almost the first year of our relationship

#67 said I was supposed to cook, clean and give him kids and do very old-fashioned things for him

#68 would make me think there were evil entities and scare me to stay awake all night with him

#69 he’d interrupt me a lot and would barely let me feel, would barely allow me to cry without yelling at me or making the argument about him, even if it was originally about my feelings about something that hurt me

#70 I was barely ever able to have a voice and couldn’t go out and do things for fear of upsetting him if it was with someone he didnt like/ didnt approve of.

#71 criticized my music taste, made me feel bad about liking certain artists

This list is not a direct representation of the entire relationship. It is only a small percentage of the toxic, unhealthiness that I endured. This is a personal journal entry I have chosen to share, this was my reality. I am hoping that people will use this knowledge to recognize when they might need help, to reach out, to look into resources, recognizing abuse, unhealthy behaviors, and basically to utilize it as a tool, not an instrument to bully or harass anyone, including myself and/or person(s) unnamed. 

I also understand these are my personal experiences and reasonings, not everyone’s situations are the same as mine. Please dont take offense to anything, it’s not directed at you. This list is the MAIN thing that helped me move forward and leave an unhealthy lifestyle, without it myself and my kids would have continued to suffer and possibly endure and escalation of abuse. I got away and decided not to take that chance or have it be a possibility. Thank you for reading this.

http://www.thehotline.org/

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. Users of web browser Microsoft Edge will be redirected to Google when clicking the “X” or “Escape” button.

More to be added soon as I think of them

(I will be rereading this a lot to myself when I feel weak and I'm posting it to share with others so you all are aware and hopefully can and will help keep me focused on moving forward away from him)