#he told me to call him daddy but i said i prefer mr michael and he was

[heeseongism]

YOU GUYS THIS IS HILARIOUS

[mldrgrl]

Lately I've been all about reconciliation. For some reason, I want all the Mulder-and-Bill-Scully-finding-some-peace fic I can get. I'd love to see your take on this, maybe in the IWTB era? Or even revival era.

One Sorry Sonofabitch

By: mldrgrl Rating: PG Summary: See above - but be advised Mulder and Scully aren’t in this story a whole lot.  Please send all complaints to @perplexistan and I’ll be filing a lawsuit shortly for pain and suffering for having to turn Bill Scully into a sympathetic character. (Set post-IWtB)

He holds his tongue to spare his mother what he really thinks when she tells him that Dana and Mr. Mulder will be joining them for Thanksgiving this year.  He can’t believe the audacity that man has to show up at a family event.  And his sister isn’t much better for what she’s put their mother through over the years.  He can’t even remember the last time he saw her.  He thinks it might be ten years ago, just before his second son, Michael, was born.  Tara squeezes his knee under the table and he musters up a smile and a brief nod.

Now that he’s stationed in North Carolina, it’s a lot easier for him to travel with his family instead of having his mother fly out for the holidays.  It’s their first Thanksgiving on the east coast and he’s annoyed at having the happy occasion intruded upon by his selfish sister and her ne’er do well friend.  He really can’t believe she still keeps that jackass around.

He loves his sister.  He truly does.  He just can’t understand the foolish choices she’s made.  Starting with joining the FBI, but giving away her child and going on the run with her fugitive partner instead of putting her patriotic duty to uphold the law as her priority is just beyond him.  He would never.  He had hoped that whatever spell Mr. Mulder had put on her would’ve worn off by now, but alas.  And now they’re coming to Thanksgiving.

Tara gives him a look when they hear the car pull up.  One that implores him to please behave.  His wife has no business being so compassionate, but that’s just the kind of person she is.  He hasn’t forgotten how his sister nearly ruined the Christmas that Matthew was born with that strange little girl and her impossible claim to her.  It should have been a time of great joy and instead Dana had made it sorrowful and awkward.

“Fox and Dana just drove up,” his mother says, coming out of the kitchen and wiping her hands on a dish rag.

His sons jump up from the game they’re playing in the family room, excited to meet their mythical aunt they’ve heard tales about.  

“Don’t run in the house,” he barks at the kids.

“Yes Sir,” they say, stopping short and taking slower steps to reach the door.

Tara is the one that greets them and his mother is just behind her.  Bill is the last one to the door and waits for the hugs and excited chatter to die down before he gives his sister a stiff embrace and Mr. Mulder a requisite handshake.

“Mr. Mulder,” Bill says.

“Just Mulder,” Mr. Mulder says.

“Matthew had a growth spurt this year,” Tara prattles, laying a hand on their son’s shoulder.  He’s taller than her by an inch, thin and reedy.  “As you can see.  Can you believe he’ll be thirteen next month!?  And we’ve got Michael turning ten in February.”

Matthew’s cheeks darken.  He embarrasses easily and his fair skin gets blotchy at the drop of a hat.  Both his boys are soft, like their mother.  He’d like to toughen them up, but Tara is fiercely protective of them.  A regular mother lion.  He doesn’t get it.  When he was a kid, he idolized his father.  Those few weeks or months a year when his dad came home were the best.  He was interested in everything his father did and how he did it.  His sons don’t express any interest in him and he barely hears more than a ‘yes, sir’ or a ‘no, sir’ out of them on a good day.

“Maureen is napping,” Tara says.  “You’ll meet her later.”

His daughter, Maureen, well she’s a different story.  She’s only a toddler, but she reminds him of his sister Melissa.  She’s headstrong and unafraid, particularly when it comes to her father.  She sasses.  She rolls her eyes already.  She ignores his orders and does what she wants when she wants.  She’s also cute as a button and has her brothers wrapped around their little fingers.  Tara calls her their little threenager.

“We’ve still got time before dinner,” his mother says.  “Why don’t we head to the family room.”

“We brought pies,” Dana says.

“I’ll get them,” Mr. Mulder says.  He has his hands on Dana’s shoulders and gives them a squeeze when she looks back up at him.  They seem to hold some silent conversation.  To Bill, it looks like his sister is begging her friend to please don’t leave him alone in this house.  He doesn’t know why she’s here.

They gather in the family room and make small talk.  Tara finds the scrapbooks she puts together for his mother every year and shows off all the photos of the kids from their school activities and family vacations.  Dana nods and smiles through most of it.  Mr. Mulder is more talkative and asks all the questions.

A half hour slips by and finally he hears a cry from upstairs indicating that his daughter is up from her nap.  Tara is on her feet in an instant.

“That’ll be the little princess,” Tara says.  “I’ll go grab her and get her ready to come down.”

“I’ll help you,” Bill says.  Tara looks at him strangely as he follows.

Maureen is jumping up and down in the playpen in their room when they walk in.  She smiles brightly and holds her arms up to Tara.

“How’s my girl,” Tara coos.  “Let’s get you into the dress Grandma bought you for dinner and then you can meet your Auntie Dana and Uncle Fox.”

“Don’t call him that,” Bill says.

“Oh, Bill.”  Tara sighs and stands Maureen on the bed to start undressing her.  “You’re going to have to accept him sometime.”

“I most certainly don’t.”

“You know, one of the things I loved the most about you when we were dating was that you always said that family was very important to you.”

“It still is.  You know that.”

“I’m just saying that sometimes your actions don’t say a lot about what I know is in your heart.  Will you grab me one of the Pull-Ups from her bag?”

“I’ve been cordial.  Hell, I shook his hand.”

“Hell is a bad word,” Maureen says.  She scrunches her face and shakes her head as Tara tries to pull her red curls into a ponytail.  “No hair up, Mama.”

“Listen to your mother, Maureen.”

“No.”

“Hair up or it’ll get washed tonight in the bath,” Tara bargains.

“Okay, hair up.”

“She’s the one that abandoned everything, you know.  Not giving a damn about how it would affect our mother.  Tara, she gave her own child away for that man.”

“Damn damn damn!” Maureen shouts, jumping up and down on the bed.

Tara gives Bill a weary look.  “William Scully Junior, you know better than to use that kind of language.”

Maureen laughs and bounces.  “Daddy in trouble.  Daddy in trouble.”

“Yes, Daddy was being very naughty.  And so are you.  Get down.”  Tara holds her hands out and helps Maureen off the bed.  “Billy, Dana had her reasons, I’m sure.  Have you ever even asked her what happened back then?”

“No.  Why do you always take the other side of the argument?”

“I don’t know, Billy, why do you like to argue so much?”  She smiles and pats him on the chest as she leads Maureen past him out the door.  “I’m just putting myself in her shoes and I know that if I were to have to do what she did, there would have to be a very good reason.  You saw how attached to she was to that little Emily and how devastated she was.  Think about that.”

“Hmph.”

Downstairs, his mother oohs and aahs over Maureen’s green velvet dress and Maureen twirls appropriately, delighted to be the center of attention.  His sister smiles warmly and kneels down to introduce herself to her niece and tell her how big she is and how pretty.

“Thank you, I know,” Maureen says.

The women laugh.

“Where are the boys?” Bill asks.  “And Mr. Mulder?”

“Outside playing basketball,” his mother answers.

Basketball.  They should be playing a real sport like football.  The last time he’d tried to teach them how to punt and tackle it had ended in tears.  Matthew complained that the roughness might hurt his chances of moving up in his piano lessons and Michael said he preferred to work on his model cars.

Bill lingers in the mudroom, watching surreptitiously and listening to boys play with Mr. Mulder through the open window.  There are a lot of high fives and hair tousling.  They don’t even seem to be competing, just taking turns with the ball, which seems a little ridiculous.

“Good job, Matt,” Mr. Mulder says, even when Matthew misses a shot that should have been easy.  “Loosen that wrist and hold that follow-through.”  He takes the boys’ hand and guides it with his own.  “That’s it.  Let’s try it again.”

Matthew shoots again and they all cheer when the ball makes it in the basket.

“Nice!” Mr. Mulder yells.  “Nothing but net.”

Both boys whoop and laugh and jump up and down like monkeys and grab onto Mr. Mulder.  He laughs with them and they have another round of high fives and hair tousling.

“How do you know so much about basketball, Uncle Mulder?” Michael asks.  Bill cringes.

“I played in high school and I used to be part of a team at my gym.”

“Did you like being part of a team?”  Matthew asks.

“Yeah, it was great.”

“I think I want to join the debate team at school next year.”  This is news to Bill and he’s surprised.  Matthew is notoriously soft-spoken.

“Your Aunt Dana used to be on a debate team when she was in school.  You should ask her for some tips.”

“Dad said that you guys used to be FBI agents,” Michael says.  “He said it’s like being a glory fried policeman”

“Glorified,” Matthew corrects.  “Not glory fried.”

“Glorified, whatever that means.  He told Mom before that Aunt Dana should’ve kept being a doctor so she’d be more normal.”

Bill grits his teeth.  He doesn’t recall ever saying something like that in front of the boys, but he’s sure he’s said it.  He wonders what else they’ve overheard through the years.

“Well, that’s probably true,” Mr. Mulder says.  “She’s a great doctor.  But, you know what?  Your Aunt Dana was the best agent the FBI ever had.”

“How come she quit?” Matthew asks.

“Have you ever done something that made you really happy for awhile and then it just stopped making you happy?”

“I used to like playing MarioKart,” Michael says.  “But, now I think it’s boring.”

“It’s kind of like that.”

“My favorite is SimCity.  Have you ever played that?”

“No, I can’t say I have.”

“Do you like Guitar Hero?” Matthew asks.  

“Yeah, do you like Guitar Hero?” Michael echoes.  “We brought our Playstation and we can play.”

“I’m not much of a musician,” Mr. Mulder says.  “But I’ll give it a shot.”

“Cool!” Both boys yell.

Bill chooses that moment to emerge from the mudroom and steps out onto the porch.  Both boys go instantly quiet and Michael starts dribbling the basketball he’s holding.

“You boys should run and get your jackets on,” Bill says.  “It’s getting cold.”

“I’m not cold,” Michael replies.

“Yes, Sir,” Matthew answers and takes Michael’s arm.  “Thanks for the lessons, Uncle Mulder.”

“You can keep playing,” Bill says.  “I just think you need to get your jackets on.”

“That’s alright, we’ll go help Mom and Grandma in the kitchen.  Come on, Mikey.”

Michael reluctantly hands the basketball over to Mr. Mulder.  “Thanks, Uncle Mulder,” he says.

Mr. Mulder nods and then it’s just him and Bill outside.  Mr. Mulder turns and dribbles the ball a few times before he sinks a basket.  He picks it up again and holds it one-handed in Bill’s direction.

“You play?” Mr. Mulder asks.

“I’m more of a football guy,” Bill answers.

“USNA is on a great streak in the Army v Navy games.  Think they can keep it up?”

“Wouldn’t be much of a Navy man if I thought otherwise.”

“Were you on the team?”

“No.  We won all four years I was there though.  Tied one year, actually.”

“I think Scully mentioned that you dad had played one year.”

Bill can’t believe Mr. Mulder is still calling his sister, Scully.  It makes no goddamn sense.  “1957,” he answers.  “14-0, Navy.”

Mr. Mulder nods.  The conversation stalls.  Mr. Mulder rubs the back of his head for a few moments and then he looks at the door and straightens.  Bill turns and sees his sister in the window.  She comes outside, pulling her sweater tighter across her waist and crossing her arms as she steps off the porch.

“Mom says there’s about an hour left until the turkey is ready,” she says.  “Everything alright?”

“Talking sports,” Mr. Mulder says.  Dana stands close to him.  He puts a hand on her back.

“It’s good to see you, Dana.”

“You too, Bill.”

The three of them stand in awkward silence.  A wind picks up and blows dead leaves across their feet.  Bill shoves his hands in his pockets.  Dana turns to Mr. Mulder and lays a hand very lightly on his chest.

“Can you give us a minute?” Dana asks.

“Of course,” Mr. Mulder answers.  He kisses the corner of Dana’s mouth and Bill’s cheek twitches irritably.  He spins the basketball on one finger as he walks away and then tucks it snugly into the corner of the porch before he goes inside.

“I can tell you don’t want us here,” Dana says.  Straight to the point.  His sister has never been subtle.

“I think it’s you that doesn’t want to be here.  You know, every holiday Mom would always bring up the fact that it would be so nice to have all her children at the table.  I have to say I agree with her.”

Dana stares at him with a cool gaze.  “Are you trying to make me feel guilty?”

“No, I’m just telling you how it’s been.”

“All her children?”

“Alright, we don’t need to fight.”

“I’m not fighting.  I’m just wondering if she includes Charlie in that, when she yearns for all her children.”

Bill shifts uncomfortably.  “That’s between them.  Charles is…”

“Charlie is married.  His husband’s name is-”

“Patrick.  I know.  I do speak with him on occasion.”

Dana gives a brief nod.  “Were they invited to Thanksgiving?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m sorry that we didn’t turn out how you wanted.”

“What does that mean?”

“You always wanted to follow in our parents footsteps.  Be just like Dad.  Have the doting wife, the Navy career, a house full of kids.  Everything in ship-shape order.  They made it look ideal when we were kids, but it was never ideal.”

“What kind of nonsense has that man been filling your head with?”

Dana snorts.  “The irony is, Mulder is a lot like you, Bill.  He values the sanctity of family even more than you.”

“Oh yeah, so much so he forced you to give up your only child.”

“Mulder wasn’t even there when I had to give William up.”

“Exactly.  Where was he?  Not with his family.  You can be sure I would-”

“You would, what?  Step away from the Navy?  Reject a deployment order?  What would you do, Bill?”

“It’s my job,” he says, curtly.  “It’s what I do to make sure not just my family, but every family in our country is protected.  Tara understood that when she married me.  The kids understand.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Do you know what losing her grandchild did to Mom?  Dad’s namesake, Dana.  My namesake.  How could you?”

“You sanctimonious sonofabitch,” she hisses.  “My son’s name is William Fox Mulder.  Named after Mulder’s father.  Not you, and not Dad.  And you have no idea how difficult it was for me to make that choice.  None at all.”

“Then why did you do it?  If it was so goddamn hard, why isn’t he here with us now playing with his cousins instead of with strangers?”

Dana looks away and licks the corner of her mouth.  She used to do that when she was a kid before letting loose with a temper tantrum.  He remembers her red-faced and stomping her feet, licking her lip before she exploded.

“Did you know that my life was in danger for all of my pregnancy?” she asks.  “Did you know William was kidnapped twice before he was eight months old?  Did you know that I had friends that were almost killed trying to protect him?  Did you know that I killed people in order to protect him?  Did you know that I made the biggest mistake in my life when I asked Mulder to leave us because I thought he was the one endangering our son?  Did you know that my heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest when I thought I had lost both of them forever?  Do you know that it took years for me to trust in the fact that Mulder forgave me for what I did?”

Bill feels uncomfortable and clammy.  He’s never seen his sister like this, as a child or as an adult.  She’s like fire.  Hot and terrifying.

“No,” he says.  “How could I?  Why didn’t you come to me?”

Dana raises her brow at him like he’s said something completely incredulous.  “We’re family, Bill, not friends.”

“Do you even have any friend, Dana?  Aside from Mr. Mulder?”

“I don’t need or want anyone else in my life except for Mulder.”

“Including your family?”

“Mulder is my family.  A fact I don’t ever think you’ll accept.”

“That man has poisoned you against your family.”

“That man is the reason I’m here today.  You’re right.  It is me that doesn’t want to be here.”  She turns and walks away.

“Dana.”

She doesn’t turn back though, just walks up the porch and into the house and Bill is left alone.  He doesn’t understand how he could have grown up in the same house as each of his siblings, but how they all turned out so different.  He seems to be the only one that appreciates the values his parents instilled in them and not blatantly reject the status quo.  

When Bill comes back into the house, he sees Dana and Mr. Mulder in the dining room, having a very low and animated conversation.  Her hands are in his and his head is bent towards her.  She’s shaking her head and pulling one of her arms free to gesticulate with, but he catches it and clasps their hands gently to his chest.

Bill turns away and heads back to the family room.  The boys are on the floor with Maureen, helping her arrange her dolls to her satisfaction.  Tara and his mother are on the couch in conversation.  He sits down, feeling glum and perturbed.  Dana comes into the room, Mr. Mulder behind her with his hands on her shoulders.

“I’m not feeling very well,” she says.  “Mulder is going to take me home.”

Tara glances at Bill and he shifts his gaze away from her.  

“What is it?” his mother asks.  “Do you need to lie down?  You can use the spare room.”

“No, I wouldn’t want to disrupt dinner.  I think I have a migraine coming on and I have medication at home.”

“But, Dana, it’s been so long since we’ve all been together.  Can’t you just…”

“Let Dana do what she wants to do, Mom,” Bill says.  “If she wants to go home, let her go home.”

His mother wrings her hands together.  He can’t stand the disappointment in her eyes and he doesn’t know how Dana can either.  The hugs goodbye are awkward.  The kids are confused.  

“Uncle Mulder was supposed to play Guitar Hero with us,” Michael says, after they leave.

“Some other time,” Tara tells him.  “Go wash up for dinner.”

Dinner is somber.  His mother looks like she’s on the verge of tears.  Tara tries to compensate by engaging the children in conversation, but the boys unhappily push food around on their plates and Maureen whines to be let loose.  Before they’re even done, his mother starts gathering up the dishes and bringing them into the kitchen.

“What happened?” Tara mouths at him from across the table.

Bill shrugs.  “Mom, stop.  Tara and I will take care of the dishes.  Boys, take your sister and...show your grandmother that guitar game.”

The boys looked relieved.  Matthew takes Maureen’s hand and they head to the family room.  After the leave, the ticking of the grandfather clock in the hall sounds immense in the silence.

“Bill…”

Bill raises his hands in surrender.  “Dana and I had a talk,” he admits.  “It didn’t go well.”

“Is that why she left?”

“She left because she didn’t want to show up at all.”

“This really meant a lot to Mom.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Maybe the only thing you can do is just accept the fact that this is all there is.”  Tara gets up, collecting dishes before she makes her way to the kitchen.  It takes Bill some time to follow, but he gathers up plates and silverware and goes in after her.  She’s got Tupperware spread out on the counter and is trying to match lids.

“I don’t want to accept it, Tara.  I can’t.  She’s my sister.”

“Then what do you want to do?”

He scratches the back of his head and thinks, watching Tara empty dishes into plastic bowls.  “Pack me up enough of those leftovers for two.  I’m...going to go out there.”

“You should take the boys with you.”

“Why?”

“It’s unlikely they’d turn the kids away.”

That hurts because it’s probably true.  He finishes clearing the dishes for Tara and she neatly packs up leftovers and stacks them on the counter.  He grabs a sweatshirt and then goes into the family room.  The boys aren’t playing the video game, they look like they’re playing Go Fish with their grandmother and sister.

“Boys, we’re going to take a drive.”

They look at each other and then look at their father.  “Are we in trouble?” Michael asks.

“No, son.  We’re just going to take a drive.”

He can tell they’re reluctant to get up, but they do.  Tara brings them their jackets and loads their arms with the Tupperware and walks them to the car.

“Where are we going?” Matthew asks, buckling his seatbelt.

“We’re going to go see your Aunt Dana and...Uncle Mulder.”

“Really?” Michael asks.

It’s an hour-long drive.  Bill can’t think of a time he’s been alone in a car with his sons for that long.  They don’t talk and the radio isn’t offering anything decent.

“You know, Matthew, your Aunt Dana was there when you were born?”

“She was?”

“She and your grandma had come out for Christmas that year.  They visited you in the hospital and you were only a few hours old.  And...your...Uncle Mulder was there too.”  Bill shifts a little in his seat and adjusts his grip on the steering wheel.  He was a little disgruntled at the time that Mr. Mulder had shown up with Dana at the hospital, but even more so when Tara insisted he have a chance to hold the baby.  He knows photos were taken that day, but he’s never seen them.

“Did Aunt Dana and Uncle Mulder visit me too, Dad?” Michael asks.

“No, they were...they weren’t in town at that time.”

“Oh.”

“Have I ever told you the story of when your Aunt Dana won a shooting contest when she was eight?”

“Um, I don’t think we know any stories about Aunt Dana,” Matthew answers.  “Except a couple Grandma has told us.”

“I see.”  

“I want to hear it,” Michael says.  “I want to know the story.”

“Me too,” Matthew adds.

“She learned to shoot pretty young.  My Dad had taught us.  She was the best out of all of us, even Dad.  She just never missed.  Some kids in the neighborhood caught wind of it and said there was no way a little girl could beat them.  They were older than us, maybe your age, Matthew.  Dana said she could beat the pants off of them, just come out to the woods and name the target.  She whipped those boys good.  Six older boys against one little girl.”

“Did she win a prize?” Michael asks.

Bill thinks back on that day.  He’d felt a mixture of pride and anger.  He wanted Dana to win, but he also looked up to those boys.  Their pride had been injured and therefore he’d tried to convince Dana to throw the competition at one point, pulling her aside and telling her she was hurting their feelings and should let them win.  She looked him straight in the eye and told him no way in hell would she lose to a stupid boy just ‘cause.  He’d been afraid the boys would retaliate in some way, maybe hurt Dana or even start a fight with him, but they hadn’t.

“Respect,” Bill says.  “She won a lot of respect.”

“Sounds like something Maureen would do,” Matthew says.  He and Michael chuckle together.

“Maureen is more like your Aunt Melissa.  Dana was a real tomboy.  She had to do everything me and your Uncle Charles did.”

“How come…?” Matthew starts, and then clams up.

“How come what?”

“I know Aunt Melissa died a long time ago.  But, how come we’ve never met Aunt Dana before now?  Or Uncle Charles?”

“Is it because Uncle Charles married another boy?” Michael asks.

“Who told you that?” Bill asks.

“Mom said that’s why Grandma doesn’t like to talk about him and we should try to understand that Grandma comes from another time where that wasn’t ok, but that doesn’t mean it’s not ok.”

“She said that?”

“Mmhm.  She said that if anyone at church or other kids say it’s not ok, we just don’t listen to them because God doesn’t make mistakes and love is love and God wants us to love each other.”

Bill is quiet.  He can’t believe his devout and traditional wife has said something so progressive and even went so far as to instruct his children to go against the church.  Good for her, he thinks.  Maybe if his mother had thought for herself once in awhile they wouldn’t have such a fractured family.  He can’t believe that thought just crosses his mind.

“You boys listen to your mother,” Bill says.  “She’s a good woman and I’m glad you’re both more like her than like me.”

“You’re good too, Dad,” Matthew says.

“You think so?”

“Yeah, you do a really hard job and it’s important and you’re in charge of it.”

“And Mom says that’s why we shouldn’t bother you with trivial things,” Michael says.  “So you can relax when you’re home.”

Bill is quiet for a few moments and he glances at both boys in the rear view mirror.  “I want you boys to know that you’re never a bother to me.  Not ever, alright?  You can come to me with anything.  You understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” they both say.

“And to answer your question, you haven’t met your Aunt Dana or Uncle Charles before because I think...I think it’s hard for them to feel welcome.  That’s why I’m taking you out to Dana and Mulder’s house right now so I can make sure they know they’re welcome.”

“Will we get to meet Uncle Charles one day, too?” Michael asks.

“I promise that when we get home I’ll call him and ask him if he wants to come for a visit.”

“Cool,” Matthew says.  “Three new uncles and an aunt.”

The roads start to become more rural and desolate.  It’s only twilight, but it feels even darker without any streetlamps or other passing cars.  Bill turns off onto a dirt road and slowly bumps along the unpaved path.

“I think this is it,” Bill says, pulling up to a gate.

“Do they live on a farm?” Michael asks.  “It looks like a farm.”

“I don’t think so.”

Bill is about to call Dana’s phone when he sees Mr. Mulder step out onto the porch, holding what looks like a long-barreled shotgun.  He turns on the cab light of the car and then lowers the window and leans out, raising a hand in greeting.  Mr. Mulder looks like he’s squinting and then he goes back inside and turns on the porch light.  When he comes back out, he’s no longer holding the gun and he jogs down from the porch and down the path behind the gate.  Bill sees his sister come out onto the porch a few moments later.

“Bill?” Mr. Mulder asks once he’s close enough to be heard.  “What’re you doing out here?  Everything alright?”

“The boys and I brought leftovers,” Bill says.

“Uh.  Okay.  Let me just unlock the gate, just a second.”  Mr. Mulder begins to unlock some chains around the gate.  “Scully’s been nagging me to put this on a remote, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet.  Drive on up, I’ll be right behind you.”

Bill drives slowly down the lane and Mr. Mulder stays in the shadow of his taillight.  He parks behind the car in front of the porch and the boys are quick to unlock their belts and scramble out of the car.

“Is this a farm?” Michael asks, running up to Mr. Mulder and taking his hand.  “Do you have cows?”

“Sorry, buddy, no cows,” Mr. Mulder answers.  “I think there might have been horses here at one time.  There are some stalls out in the field behind the house.”

Bill gathers the Tupperware from the floorboards of the passenger seat and Matthew is right behind him to help him get everything out.  Dana stands on the porch in a defensive pose, guarding her territory.

“Come in,” Mr. Mulder says.  He guides Michael up the stairs ahead of him.  Dana gives Mr. Mulder a look, but then smiles at Michael.  Tara was a genius to tell him to take the boys.

The interior surprises Bill.  It’s cozy, almost cabin-like.  There are afghans on the couch and a well-used recliner.  They’ve got a wood burning stove and a fire going.  His sister is wearing slippers.  

Mr. Mulder leads them all to the kitchen and takes the Tupperware from Matthew and from Bill.  “Be sure to thank Maggie for us,” he says.

“I will.”  There’s a few beats of silence and Bill eyes his sister.  “Dana, would you mind if we talked for a few minutes?”

She hesitates and glances at the boys.

“You guys can go on the porch,” Mr. Mulder offers.  “Maybe...these guys might like some ice cream?”

“Can we?” Michael asks, turning to Bill.

Bill nods.  Never in his life did he expect to feel gratitude towards Mr. Mulder for anything, but he does in this moment.  The boys cheer.  Dana doesn’t look happy, but she takes her brother out to the porch.

“I’m not here to fight,” Bill says.  “I just want you to know that up front.”

“Why are you here?” she asks.

“Because I don’t like the way we left things.  I want to start by apologizing for...not giving you the benefit of the doubt.  Or supporting you when you needed it.”

Dana looks surprised and a little chagrined.  Her eyes water a bit.  She wraps her arms across her middle and looks at her feet.  “Thank you,” she says.  “That means a lot.”

“I was telling the boys on the way over about that time you won the shooting contest when you were a kid.”

She snorts softly.  “You were so mad at me.”

“No, I was proud of you.  I didn’t tell you that back then, but I probably should have.  Maybe it’s because of things like that that you felt you couldn’t talk to me when you were going through a hard time.”

“Maybe.”

“What I’m not going to apologize for, though, is my life or my family.”  He pauses while she looks up and opens her mouth, but then she closes it again and nods a little.  “I don’t think I’m wrong for wanting to live in the example our parents set for us.  They were happily married for almost forty years and, God willing, I’d like to make it to my fiftieth anniversary and still be just as happy.”

“You probably will.”

“I think you might too.”

Dana raises her brow.  Bill rubs the back of his neck and exhales, deeply.  

“The kids were telling me earlier that love is love,” he says.  “And, now that I’ve seen the two of you together, I think that he kind of seems like a decent guy.”

“I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t.”

“No, I don’t suppose you would.”

Dana looks at her feet again and rocks back and forth on her heels for a moment.  “I would also like to apologize for keeping you in the dark about so many things for so long.  I’ve been so accustomed to needing to keep things private, I forget that I can rely on other people.  Mulder has to remind me of it at times when I start to shut him out.”

“You were like that as a kid.  Tough as nails, wouldn’t show a weakness to save your life.”

“And a quick temper.”

“Yeah, that too.”  Bill chuckles.  Dana smiles slightly.

“I’m sorry I left like that.  I hope Mom wasn’t too upset.”

“I think it might be salvaged if you thought about maybe coming by tomorrow?  The boys really seemed to take to...their Uncle Mulder.”

“He’s really great with kids,” Dana whispers and two tears fall down her cheeks.  She dips her head once more and puts a hand over her eyes.

Bill steps closer and pulls her in against his chest.  She puts her arms around him and he rubs her shoulder a little.  “I can’t imagine, Dana.  What you must feel.”

“Some days are harder than others.”

“Does he help you through it?”

“Always.”

“Okay.”

After a few moments of silence, Dana sighs and then pulls away and wipes her eyes.  Bill stops her before they go back inside.

“One more thing,” he says.  “It’s important to me that you know that I don’t agree with Mom on everything.  Just because I believe that her issues with Charles are her business, doesn’t mean I think she’s right.”

“You don’t?”

“Hell no.  That’s her son.  I would never.  The thing is, Charles has told me he chooses to limit his contact with both of us so that it won’t cause problems between us and Mom, if she knows that we speak with him.”

“I know.”

“And, thinking about what you said and just...thinking about it in general, tonight, I’ve decided that if Mom can’t handle the fact that I have a relationship with my brother, that’s also her problem.  I’m going to invite Charles and Patrick out to North Carolina for Christmas.  I want to extend the same invitation to you and Mr. Mulder as well.”

“It’s just Mulder.”

“You guys are so weird about your names.”

“That’s how we like it.”

Bill puts his hands up in surrender.  Dana opens the door and he follows.  The boys are laughing at something.  Mulder gets up from the table when he sees them and Dana walks into his arms.  He rubs her back and nods at Bill.

“Can I get you a bowl of ice cream?” Mulder asks.

“Sure.”

“Dad, did you know that Aunt Dana and Uncle Mulder once arrested a man that was half-worm and lived in a sewer?!” Michael exclaims.

“Tried to arrest,” Mulder amends.  “We only caught half of him.  The tail end, unfortunately.”

“Gross!” the boys cry.

“Really, Mulder?” Bill asks.

Mulder shrugs.  Bill sighs.

The End

[shesclearlya3]

Dancing With a Stranger P.2

@iits-mikha asked: n a recent interview they asked Cody if he could have the opportunity to play another character he would had chosen to be the Countess, So my request is this: an AU where old!Michael where he’s not the antichrist but is the owner of the Hotel Cortez, please!!

pairing: Older!Michael x Reader

word count: 5,055

warnings: au!, language, seductive-boi, unprotected sex, oral (female and male receiving), other smutty goodness. idk how i thought i’d keep this smut free, yikes. i hardly write smut so i hope it’s not too terrible, enjoy.

*not entirely proof-read* 

part 1

The next few days were a blur. 

You and Winter spent the days at the park, getting scared and meeting your favorite characters. You changed your phone wallpaper to a picture of you and Beetlejuice, your cheesy grin making you flinch every time you unlocked your phone. Yet, you were living your best life, and it was a much-needed break from reality. 

As the hours of screams and thrill rides went by, Michael Langdon slowly slipped in the back of your mind. 

It wasn't until there was a knock on your hotel door bright in early on Halloween. Winter groaned from beside you, her small body cuddling into yours when you tried to leave. 

"It's fucking cold, stop," Winter moaned.

"Someone is here, Winter," you groaned, throwing the covers from your body when they knocked again. Your M&M socks were slipping off your feet as you opened the door, revealing Iris. 

"Good morning!" she gushed, her voice way too peppy for this time of day. You blinked at her, knowing you looked like hell with your band t-shirt, dull sweats, and orange socks. 

"Is everything alright?" you immediately asked, crossing your arms over your chest. It really is cold in here. You could feel your nipples getting hard, and you tried to hide your laugh. 

"Mr. Langdon asked me to drop this off," she said, shoving a white envelope in your direction. You took it, feeling the thickness and frowning. "He says it's a treat."

"What?-"

"Have a good day!" she insisted, before leaving you standing in the doorway.

You stood there with a comical look on your face, before quietly shutting the door and locking it. Winter had since sat up, her brown eyes frowning at you as you carefully opened the envelope. 

A white slip of paper caught your eye first, before the thick wad of cash behind it. You gasped, pulling it out altogether.

"HOLY SHIT!" Winter said, shoving the blankets off her before scrambling to stand beside you. You counted the money; there was quickly a few thousand in your hands.

"I KNOW-" you gasped. You had never seen this much money in your life, at least in person. "He left a note..."

"Read it," Winter urged, taking the money and feeling it up, "This is hot in a really bizarre way."

Ms. l/n,

Please take this offering to buy yourself some new clothes, preferably for dinner tonight. I took the liberty of ordering food from a nearby restaurant. I do not believe you'd find the menu here satisfactory, trust me. 

Meet me at the penthouse at 8 PM sharp. This is very important, not a minute before or less. You may find some less than impressive guests if you do. 

Oh, I almost forgot - you keep what you buy. Spend it wisely.

Sincerely, 

M.L

You sat on the edge of the bed as Winter read the note to herself. Your jaw was almost to the floor as you had forgotten about your plans for tonight. It was fun the other night when you met him, but now you were nervous.

"This is amazing," Winter gasped excitedly. "But wait, why do you look like that?" she asked.

"How in the hell am I supposed to have dinner with him tonight? He's so-"

"Weirdly arousing and complex?" Winter grinned, mocking Liz's words from the other night. "Girl, I'll gladly take your place if you're going to chicken out, who in their right mind would do this for you back home?"

You stuffed everything back into the envelope before you both settled back into bed. "Maybe that means he is crazy, and I'm doing myself a favor," you mumbled.

"First off, he is hot. Second, it's just dinner, if he is willing to pay for you to get a new dress, well..." Winter pulled the covers up to her nose, "Maybe that means he is a keeper, y/n,"

You both laid there in silence before you caught up on sleep. You woke up again closer to ten, and you stayed under the covers on your phone while Winter took a shower first. You scrolled through Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok, seeking out the ones that reminded you most of Vine.

You tried to distract yourself from the anxiety bubbling in your belly. Michael Langdon intimidated you; everything about him seemed so reserved and poised. From the way he spoke, to how he walked, and you had to admit, his wardrobe was on-point. 

"I'll just get drunk before I go up there." you joked to yourself as you passed the fifth video of spoiled New Yorkers seeing Beetlejuice for the eightieth time. 

-

Since you and Winter weren't familiar with the higher-ups in the fashion department, you did a lot of Googling as you walked down the streets of Los Angeles. The Hotel Cortez felt like an icebox compared to the weather out here. Most of the stores that you passed or glanced through seemed to cater specifically to prom dresses and other school formals. 

You stopped into a particular store that seemed too over budget. Winter couldn't help but gush at their selection of bridal gowns in the back of the store, and as you pulled her away, your mouth even watered at the beautiful dresses in front of you. 

"I'm not getting married, Winter," you snorted as you dragged her back into the streets.

You both stopped a Starbucks, sitting down and resting as you chug your drink. "I'm about to give up," you sighed.

"We've only been out for- two hours," Winter replied sheepishly. "Come on, you have three-grand in your pockets, we'll find something."

"Everything here is kind of weird," you frowned, thinking of the four-thousand dollar dress you saw that barely covered the crotch of the mannequin wearing it. "Plus, who can afford to spend four-grand on a dress?"

"Think about it this way," Winter pointed at you, "Michael saw you wearing clothes from Forever 21. Maybe he figured you liked the simple things,"

You know how to stretch a buck when your paychecks were smaller than usual. Michael did say buy something for tonight, but...

"How will I bring all of the clothes back home?" you asked.

"We'll worry about that later, and let's get the fuck out of here, I can barely hear myself think."

It was more comfortable for you to go into stores you were more familiar with. You bought new jeans, new shirts, and dresses to wear once the weather warmed up again back home. 

By the time you were finished, you still had about $2,400 in your wallet. You let Winter pick out some things too. It made you feel bad about going on a shopping spree without her. 

"I wonder if this is what it feels like to have a sugar daddy!" Winter all but yelled in the sea of people passing you in the street. You threw your head back and laughed.

"I guess we need to find ourselves one," you joked.

"Okay, but Michael, I mean- The Count," Winter rolled her eyes, "Is totally sugar daddy material, is he not?"

"Is he even old enough? He's like thirty-four, when I think of them, I imagine someone in their sixties or something," you stated.

"He's older, and he gives you money for nice things, so I'd say he most certainly qualifies," Winter said, continuing to talk when a mannequin caught your eye. 

You stopped dead in your tracks, not caring when the person behind you cursed when he bumped into you. Winter finally realized you weren't by her side, waltzing over with a confused look on her face.

The red cocktail dress stared back at you, the silk taffeta material almost glowing under the light above it. The neckline plunged, leaving little to the imagination. You didn't care, though. 

"Do you see a price tag?" you asked.

"I think that's it-" Winter said, leaning in closer, "-holy shiiii-"

The store owner must have caught you two gawking, because the door swung open, revealing a small man with a shaved head beaming at the two of you. "Are you ladies enjoying the view?" he joked.

"Yes, I love this dress," you said, pointing at it. He seemed pleased as he looked you up and down. 

"I think this calls for a fitting! My name is Ted, come on in," he said.

Needless to say, spending 2,300 on a dress was strangely rewarding.

_

You got into the elevator at 7:57.

It slowly rose to the top, and you felt the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. You had many floors to go, and you looked at yourself in the mirrored wall. 

Winter had pinned your hair back, before coloring your eyes and lips in a similar shade of red to your dress. You admired your boobs, hoping he wouldn't be too put off by them. You never really dressed like this; hoodies and sweaters were some of your favorites. It felt good to show off your body; you felt beautiful. Like you accepted yourself for who you were, even if it was over by the end of the night. 

You ran a hand along your belly, sighing deeply as you felt like you were going to vomit.

it's just dinner, you'll be fine.

The elevator slowly came to a stop, the doors slowly sliding open. You looked around, seeing you were already inside of his place. You could hear gentle music playing in the background; you hid your smile when you heard Lady Gaga singing.

"Hello?" You called out, your voice meek. When you stepped out, you realized how much warmer this room was compared to the rest of the hotel. If it were any warmer, you'd probably think you were about to enter the deepest pits of Hell.

"Ms. l/n, how lovely to see you,"

You jumped, looking to see Langdon slowly making his way to you, his hands behind his back. In perfect pose, like always. The view behind him told you he just came from his bedroom.

You were at a loss for words, much to his amusement.

"Interesting..." he said as he observed you with a slight tilt to his head. "I admire your choice of color, the red compliments your eyes," Michael said.

"Thank you, uhh-"

"You can call me Michael," he said firmly. "I hope you used my offering wisely, I'd hate to think all that went to waste."

His blue eyes bore holes into your skull as you instinctively went to push your hair behind your ear until remembered it was pinned back. You dropped your hand with a shy grin. "It was nice, thank you."

Michael continued to stare at you like he couldn't seem to figure you out. You watched as his perfect brow twitched as if he were hiding his true expression from you. You swallowed, turning to admire the rest of his space. Like the lobby, red seemed to be a favorite in his repertoire.

Almost like a ghost, you could feel his presence directly behind you. A gasp caught in your throat as you felt the fabric of his expensive dinner jacket brush against your bare arm. A small glass of wine. You took it from him, bringing it to your nose where you gently inhaled.

Amusement flickered in his eyes as he watched your childish action. He had a glass in his own hand, but it definitely wasn't wine.

"Iris is bringing dinner at 8:30," he explained, watching your eyes flutter as you took a sip. It tasted terrific, you wondered where it was from. But you never asked. "Sit, y/n," Michael pointed to the expansive couch behind you.

You chose a cushion, Michael sinking into one just a bit farther down. You found yourself taking bigger sips of wine; it was almost addictive, the taste. Michael brought his glass to his lips, draining it quickly, before he set it down, his tongue slowly licking along his lip. You stared at it.

"y/n," he sighed. You loved the way your name rolled off his tongue. Michael suddenly smirked, his eyes slowly meeting yours. "Tell me about yourself."

You cleared your throat. You always found this to be awkward; what was really interesting about your life compared to his? Yet, you told him a little about your life back home. Your job, your education, your friendship with Winter, and how important she was to you.

Michael didn't say a word the entire time. He watched you intently, almost like he was entranced by you. Your voice, your past, your hopes, and dreams. It brought you comfort; you felt like someone was listening to you out of pure interest, and not to be kind.

"I think that's enough about me," you said awkwardly. Once again, his eyes crinkled with amusement. "It's your turn."

Almost as if on cue, the elevator slid open. Iris and Liz stepped out, pushing a large tray of food. Michael immediately stood up, his eyes piercing through you as you slowly did the same.

"Dinner is served, my beauties," Liz said excitedly, pushing the cart towards the two of you. Michael rolled his eyes, but you could see the playfulness in his actions.

"Thank you, Liz. Iris." He said, looking at her like she had all the answers in the world. Iris shrugged, waving him off as they set the table for you two.

You looked at your empty glass, before looking up at Michael, "Michael-"

"Of course, y/n," he said. He took the glass from you, his fingers brushing yours. He was a little cold to the touch.

Michael got you some more wine as you pondered how he could have possibly known what you were about to ask.

"Is there anything else I can do?" Iris asked as Liz wheeled the cart back to the elevator, waiting patiently.

"Not at all, I will call when we're finished," Michael said, handing you back the glass.

Iris nodded, turning, and meeting Liz. Before the elevator doors shut, Liz winked at you.

Without a word, Michael walked to a chair, gesturing for you to sit. You walked over and took a seat as he gently pushed you in. Michael placed a hand on your shoulder, his rings softly digging into your skin. There was something erotic about the way he moved his hands, so fluid and sexual.

"You seem tense, y/n," he mocked, and you could imagine the smirk on his lips. You shook your head, pressing your thighs together as you tried to forget the handsome man standing behind you.

"I'm just hungry," you said lamely. You felt his fingers gently curl into you before releasing.

"As you should be." He said before his hands left you. Michael walked around the table, sitting across from you. The distance between you was small, you could nudge his leg with your toes.

Michael's glass was full, as he watched you expectantly. The food smelled delicious, your belly softly rumbling as you glanced at him.

"Don't wait for me, precious," Michael said, pressing his fingers together. Your cheeks slightly burned at the nickname, before slowly picking up your silverware.

After a few bites, Michael finally started to eat. You remained mostly silent, enjoying the food. Your foot gently bobbed along to the music.

can you light the fire

i need somebody who can take control

"You never told me about your life," you pointed out. Michael glanced at you, taking a sip of his drink, a mischievous look in his eyes.

"I told you how old I am." He smirked.

"Come on, Michael. I spilled my whole life story to you, now it's your turn." You glared at him.

"Very well," he said. "I was born in December of 1985. My parents were in the process of getting divorced. I had a twin, but he was stillborn," Michael said. His tone hardly wavered, neither did the look in his eyes. He seemed almost content. "My mother was devastated, she blamed me for years for his death. I was too strong, I overshadowed my brother, and he never stood a chance."

You had stopped eating, wondering if you should have even asked in the first place. "Michael..."

"I like honesty, y/n," Michael stated. He looked directly in your eyes, "Do you disagree?"

You slowly shook your head. "No..."

"Great." He ran a finger along the rim of his glass, the diamonds on his rings shining from the light. "She killed herself when I was ten. My father couldn't afford to raise me on his own, so we moved here. That's when I met Iris. She became my second mother, took me in like I was her own. Eventually, my dad abandoned me without a word of warning. He died two years ago under mysterious circumstances." Michael said coldly.

You felt a pang in your chest, and you instinctively raised a hand to your eyes to make sure you weren't crying. Michael stared at his plate, his eyes forming into slits.

"After the original owner died, I took over. I made some investments, great ones, in fact. Now I own the hotel with all the money anyone would ever need. I take care of my family, and they take care of me."

Your food had grown cold by the time he finished.

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize how painful your past has been, Michael."

You were surprised to see him smile. Michael showed no signs of arrogance, just genuine appreciation. "I tend to keep the painful memories to myself, y/n. Your kindness has just opened up my vulnerability."

_

After dinner, you and Michael had moved back to the couch. After a few more glasses of wine, you were more talkative.

Iris had cleared the plates before leaving you alone. Michael listened to you talk about your favorite things and what you despised most.

For someone who wasn't that much older than you, give or take, he was very wise. If his dialect wasn't example enough, Michael's real thoughts and opinions were of an old soul. The hours slowly ticked by, and before you knew it, you were leaning against his side.

"I find you to be fascinating, y/n," Michael said. Your hair had slowly started to unravel, and he eventually released it all together. He wouldn't admit it to you, but he loved the way it framed your face. And your neck.

"You don't think I'm just some boring twenty-something?" You teased. Michael smiled.

"Not at all."

You glanced at the clock on the wall. It was nearing 2 AM.

"Holy fuck," you said. Michael snickered at your language but didn't comment. "I didn't realize how late it was."

"You're more than welcome to leave, y/n," he said, but his words seemed rather forced. "You don't have to stay on my behalf."

You could feel yourself becoming tired. Yet, you were very much enjoying this. Michael was a breath of fresh air. Everything you said, you didn't feel scrutinized. Michael liked to hear you talk, to hear about the things you were most passionate about. He listened to you.

You weren't drunk, just a little tipsy. You tilted your head at him, "Michael, how are you as single as a pringle?"

Michael frowned at you before a deep, genuine laugh echoed from his chest. You blinked at him.

"y/n, I'm very particular about my women," he said quietly. "I was a teenager once, you know. I made many mistakes, just like you, just like everyone else. I have my guard up more than most. You understand."

Michael was right, you understood perfectly.

"You talk like you're from an old Hollywood movie. It's kind of hot." You blurted out.

Michael brought a hand to your cheek. You leaned into his touch, his fingertips gently moving along your cheek, tracing over your nose before setting on your painted lips. Most of it had worn off by now, but neither you nor Michael cared.

"My sweet, sweet y/n," he whispered. "I certainly don't fuck like one."

You felt your thighs clench as he tilted his head at you. Michael's blue eyes observed you before a smirk slowly crossed his lips.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, y/n," he teased. His finger left your lips before they trailed down the side of your neck. He grabbed your throat, applying just enough pressure that left you a whining mess. "I think you've been hiding your arousal from me all night." He frowned, "At least, that's what you seem to think."

Michael observed you quietly, your hand slowly coming up to touch his as he continued holding your throat. He was amused by the sight of you.

"I could almost smell you," he growled before he lifted you like you weighed nothing. You sat on his lap, his knee knocking your legs out of the way. Your dress rode up on your thighs, revealing the red underwear underneath. It was nothing fancy, just comfortable.

Michael pressed his nose to your ear, adjusting his grip on you as you squirmed in his lap. "I like you, y/n. You're very bright, not quite like others I have encountered..." he pressed a kiss to your earlobe. "Yet, one thing always remains the same."

You slowly stuttered out, "And what's that?"

Michael chuckled in your ear, the sound husky. His free hand slowly slipped under your panties, running his fingers through your folds, before finding your clit like it was nothing. You gasped, a quiet moan escaping your throat as your hips bucked towards his hand.

"You girls want to be impaled on my thick cock, isn't that right?" Michael mewled in your ear. He still teased you as his hand was in your underwear, you pouted.

Michael released your throat, your body immediately sucking in air as he unzipped the back of your dress, allowing it to bunch at your waist. You helped him slide it off, you now clad only in your panties.

You could feel his hardness rubbing against your ass.

Michael removed his hand from your clit, making you sigh in frustration. He tsked at you, pulling your back flush against his chest as he carefully slid his fingers inside of you.

"You don't have to be greedy, y/n," he scolded. "I love having my fingers inside your sweet pussy. You take them so well, baby," he sighed into your ear.

Michael continued to finger you as you moaned and squirmed above him. No matter how many times he gently scolded you for moving too much, you couldn't stop.

"Michael, I'm so close," you whined.

"I never said you could come, y/n," he shook his head. "Be a good girl, bad girl's get punished if they misbehave,"

You whined as his fingers curled inside of you. Your arm slowly wove around his neck, gasping his name as you tried to fight off your impending orgasm.

"My precious girl," Michael purred before his fingers slid out of you.

The whine that left your mouth was loud. Michael laughed at your distress, his hand sliding from your panties entirely. He stuck them in your mouth mid grunt, making you shut up.

"Make them spotless, y/n," Michael said sternly. "Let's see how well you use that tongue before I stick my cock in your mouth."

You sucked his fingers, purposely being as loud as you can. Your tongue ran along his digits, tasting your arousal, before the sweet taste of Michael. When he seemed satisfied with your efforts, he pulled them out, forcing you to stand up.

You had no idea how Michael shed his clothes so quickly. Before you knew it, he was pulling you on top of his body. Your eyes widened at the sight of his dick in front of your face. Your knees resting on either side of his head as he ran his big hands along your ass.

"If you be a good girl, I may let you come, precious," Michael stated before you felt his tongue slowly circling your clit.

The sensation caused you to gasp, temporarily buckling your elbows as you struggled to stay above him. Michael kept a tight grip on you, your belly laying directly on his. Perhaps that meant your weight was no bother to him.

You gripped his shaft in your hand, your eyes rolling in the back of your head as he slowly dragged his tongue along your slit. Michael moaned against you, causing your legs to tremble from the pleasure he was giving you.

You licked the tip before slowly taking him into your mouth. Michael hummed his approval from underneath you. He was thick, and you could feel your mouth burning as you opened as wide as you could.

Michael slowly rutted his hips to meet your mouth, both of you groaning as he slipped further into your mouth, and then Michael sliding his tongue into your tiny hole. You weren't that experienced in this predicament; you were afraid of neglecting Michael as he blissfully ate you out.

After a while, your legs started to quake as Michael spread you out wider. His back arched from the couch as he chased your pussy when it started to become too much. His hands gripped your ass tightly, shaking his head against you as you released him from your mouth to scream his name.

Michael's tongue gently lapped at your clit as you came down from your orgasm. His tongue curled against your dripping hole, gathering your juices while he slurped you up.

"Michael," you moaned. He pressed kisses along your folds, before trailing along your thighs. You continued to stroke his cock, feeling his own body tensing up beneath you.

"I better come in your fucking mouth, y/n," he asserted. You felt him make your ass, causing you to yelp. "You're going to swallow every last drop."

You took him back into your mouth as he released your ass. Michael kept his hands on your thighs, stroking them softly as you took him in as far as he would go. Your mascara ran down your cheeks as his girth stretched your mouth to ridiculous lengths.

"That's it, baby," he whined. You fought the urge to smile against him. Michael Langdon, whining because of you. His dominant hand came back to your pussy, feeling for your clit. You were still sensitive, your legs jerking as he starting stimulating you. Again.

You groaned in disapproval.

"After I come in your sweet mouth, you're going to sit on my cock, precious."

A few more jerks of your hand had him falling apart beneath you. You felt him spurt deep into your throat, your eyes closing at the feeling. Michael slowly circled your clit as he came, sighing deeply when you sucked him clean.

"FUCK!" he called out. Michael maneuvered you off him, before standing up after you. His hands gripped your hips, pulling you in for a kiss.

Michael took your breath away, the taste of you on each other's lips. You felt him bite your bottom lip, before moaning into your mouth. His hands slid along your body, playing with your breasts, ghosting over your arms, just feeling you.

Michael took a seat, bringing you down onto his lap. You brought him in for a kiss this time, smiling as he carefully helped you slide onto him.

You felt him in your belly, gasping and breaking the kiss as you settled onto his thighs. Michael leaned back against the couch, his blonde hair frizzled out as he gazed at you with admiration.

He didn't say anything as you adjusted to him, his hands roaming your skin freely. The playlist in the room had long stopped, leaving you two in silence, save for the pants and whimpers.

Once you were comfortable, you bounced on his lap. Michael allowed you to take control at first, his lips sucking your nipples into his mouth as you run your hands through his soft hair.

"Your pussy is so fucking tight for me, y/n," he grunted. You pulled his mouth from your breasts, silently begging him to pay attention to the sensitive skin on your neck. He obliged, biting and leaving delicate kisses to your slick skin. He left his mark on you, eventually grabbing your hips again to pound into you.

"Oh, f-fuck!" You gasped, "Michael, Michael, Michael,"

His hips were smacking against you at an almost inhuman pace. His face remained buried in your neck, leaving multiple love bites as he growled into your skin.

"You better come before I do, baby," Michael warned. "You want to come, don't you, baby?" He mocked you. He released one of his hands, reaching back to bunch your hair in his hand, before yanking it. Your chest arched into his, gasping as he exposed your neck to him.

"P-please, Michael..." you whimpered as he kept up his relentless pace.

"I'm fucking close, y/n. You better come all over my dick, precious. Show me who this pussy belongs to."

The next few thrusts of his hips had you coming all over him. Your wetness dribbled down your thighs, onto his and the cushions beneath you.

You unintentionally squeezed his dick, your muscles contracting so tightly that Michael nearly lost his breath as he came inside of you. He slowly moved you along his shaft, making sure you completely coated him.

He brought his lips to yours again, his hands cupping your cheek as you kissed. You stayed in that position for a few minutes, before he gently removed you from his lap to place you beside him. You gasped as you no longer felt full.

Michael spread your legs, his eyes on yours as he slowly ate you out for a second time. You mewled from how sensitive you were. Just like the first time, Michael kept a firm grip on you as he lapped up his cum leaking out of you. You ran a hand through his hair, sighing his name as he pressed his nose onto your clit.

When he was finished, he pulled you close to him, his head resting on your breasts. You both were exhausted.

"We should have done this a few days ago." You whispered, thinking of your ride back home.

"We still have time," he whispered. "I hope your friend doesn't expect to see you until then."

taglist: @soph3218​ @jetblackpayne​ @its-mikha​ @vixi3303​ @cuddletothecake​

[yaachtynoboat711]

Fonder 6

A/N: Yes, I’m back like I never left! I’ve been hella busy this summer and I’m just happy to be checking back in. It’s been a little over a year since I began writing and I must say, I’m happy to still be doing this. I love y’all and the encouragement, support, and creative guidance some of you all have given me for the past year!

Word Count: ~3.2K

Warning(s): Fluff, Language, a dash of angst

Thursday, March 19, 2015, 6:19 p.m., Philadelphia

Today was the day: Michael and Khalida were meeting each other’s parents. Due to the filming of his upcoming film Creed , Michael temporarily relocated to Philadelphia. With him three hours away, Yaa was able to visit him as much as her schedule would allow her to. Now, here they were in his car headed to dinner. Both were visibly nervous and reasonably so. Michael paid special attention to the road as he drove his anxiety away. Yaa was deep in her phone checking and responding to work-related emails. In any event of distress, her first choice of relief was work—a drug of choice. As much as she tried to keep her composure, the constant shaking of her foot was the dead giveaway. In an attempt to console his nervous girlfriend, Michael gripped part of Yaa’s thick thigh.

“Hey...it’s ok to be nervous, sugar bear. Not to make you any more nervous than you already are, but my parents can at times be...a lot to handle. Buuut, I’m more than confident that you can be able to handle them. I’ve seen you go against lawyers that’ve practiced law longer than you’ve been alive and you don’t even flinch. So if you can deal with them, then Donna and Michael A. are the least of your concerns.”, Michael comforted as he kept his eyes on the road.

Yaa finally sent her last e-mail for the weekend and locked her phone. “Yeah, but the biggest difference between those old ass lawyers and your parents is that I haven’t slept with any lawyer’s son. Even further, you haven’t met my parents; they take bougie to a whole new dimension. I just don’t know how our parents are going to mix, y’know?” Michael drove in silence, contemplating on what Yaa had just said. “I’m sorry, Kari, that was a lot. I’m just...nervous.” Yaa lowered her head as she realized that she may have spoken too much, at least in her head.

Looking out of the car window, Yaa got lost in the Spotify playlist playing throughout the car. Without a word, Michael took Yaa’s hand into his and kissed the top of her knuckles gently. Her straight face quickly turned into a slight grin. “I love you, Peanut.”, she muttered.

Michael rolled his eyes, “I love you too, sugar bear.”

Forno Rosso, 5:36 p.m.

By the time Yaa and Michael arrived at the restaurant, their parents were already seated and well into conversation. The circular table was located towards the back in a corner, which according to the restaurant’s owner, was the best spot for an intimate dinner despite the sounds of people conversing and plates clacking. The couple walked to the back hand in hand to find the other only Black people in the restaurant--their parents.

“Well, speak of the Devil, there go our babies!”, Khadijah announced as she got up. After the seemingly never-ending round of hugs ended, the couple began introducing each other to parents.

“Mom, Pops, this is my girlfriend, Dr. Khalida Abdullah. Baby, these are my parents, Donna and Michael A. Jordan.”, Michael announced as he observed his parents’ reaction to hearing their son’s girlfriend’s name be prefaced with Doctor.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, sweetheart. Michael hasn’t shut up about you since New Years, and I must say, now it makes sense to see why you were the only thing he talked about. Isn’t she a pretty girl, baby?”, Ms. Donna greeted as she shook Yaa’s hand. With her husband’s affirming headshake, the handshake turned into yet another hug for Mr. and Mrs. Jordan.

“He talks about you two all the time also and thank you so much!”, Yaa replied. “Now, Kari, these are my parents, Drs. Khadijah and Mustapha Abdullah. Baba, Umi, this is Michael B. Jordan, my boyfriend.”

“Well, praise the Lord! Dreams do come true. My ibby has been dating you in her head for about 12 years. Finally a pleasure to meet you, son.”, Mustapha greeted, making sure to embarrass his daughter. Mission accomplished. “How are you treating my baby? Sublime, I hope?”

Michael looked to Yaa, who was in a side conversation with Khadijah. “Of course, Dr. Abdullah. There’s no reason for her to be treated any less or different.”

He was definitely keeping that Gatsby energy up—he sent her a dozen sunflowers every other Thursday and treated the office to lunch every now and again.For Valentine’s, the two went to Paris, where he officially asked her out. Apart from the lavish showering of affection and bomb sex, the two had a friendship and a connection that couldn’t be denied. Unlike Winston, Michael supported her career and her work ethic. In times she had to leave or cancel dates because she was called to emergency meetings? He didn’t want to, but he encouraged her to go on. The countless nights she was knee-deep in research? He definitely understood. Spending the night at the office? You bet your last dollar Michael was up with her. In those instances, he’d be sure to have food delivered to her. He even came to some of the trials she had to serve in. Though he didn’t want to admit it, seeing her in her zone turned him on. He respected her craft and her passion and vice versa. Their budding romance had actualized significantly slower than hers with Winston—she preferred that. Apart from the sugar daddy shit, she was finally in a “normal” relationship.

*****

The group’s dinner was running smoothly. The parents got along surprisingly well. Being that they were around the same age, the four related to each other. As for Michael and Yaa, they got along with each other’s parents really well. Hell, they were the lost son and daughter their parents secretly wanted.

Everyone took turns telling general stories about current life happenings and the parents even took the time to tell embarrassing stories about their children. The more they told stories, the further Michael and Yaa slumped in their chairs in shame. Yaa definitely didn’t want to re-visit her first day of high school, which if you were coming into high school at 11, a nightmare was destined to happen on the first day. Mustapha still found it especially funny after almost 14 years. Thankfully, Khadijah found a way to keep her first-born from dying at the dinner table.

“Enough about Khali’s first day at St. Dominic’s, honey. Ibby’s still a bit traumatized. But since we’re on the subject of first experiences,the question of the hour has yet to be asked or answered: how’d you two lovebirds meet?”

Silence. Because neither wanted to explain to their parents that they’d spent the wee hours of 2015 fucking each other senseless, Yaa especially preferred her father tell more embarassing stories about her awkward middle school-esque experiences at St. Dominic’s Girls Prep. But instead of conveying their anxiety with their facial expressions, the two stared at each other until Michael finally spoke up. “Well, Dr. Khadijah... I had the privilege of meeting your daughter at a Great Gatsby-themed New Year’s party that I hosted. Tanisha told me about her and I would’ve been stupid not to invite her...so I did. We...talked all night and up until the…next morning. We haven’t stopped talking to each other since. ” Michael looked to Yaa from across the table whenever he paused, attempting to make his “story” appear more credible than it was.

“Well...son, I’m happy you’ve finally found someone who makes you happy as Khalida does. Moreover, I’m happy to have met two new friends in Khadijah and Mustapha. Here’s to new beginnings and relationships!”, Donna saluted as she raised her glass of water. The table toasted and continued on with the night.

*************

Even after their children pleaded for them to come, the Jordan’s and Abdullah’s decided to opt out of going to the 76ers-Pelicans game following dinner. Though a blow, Michael and Yaa continued on with their date night. As the two sat in game night traffic, Michael couldn’t help but to take in his girlfriend’s beautiful profile. Her thick, oversized tortoise-shell glasses rested perfectly on the tip of her wide button nose. Her full lips were painted with the brightest red lipstick she could get her hands on. Her simple white turtleneck and jeans outfit was so simple, yet so...Khalida. Since the 76ers were playing Yaa’s New Orleans Pelicans, it was important for her to bring her Big Easy pride to the City of Brotherly Love. Though she wasn’t much for flashy jewelry, she made it a point to wear both her gold fleur-de-lis necklace and her Super Bowl ring. Such a flex.

Wells Fargo Arena, 9:17 p.m.

“YOOOOOO! THAT WAS A FOUL, REF, ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!?!?!”, Yaa shouted out as she shot up from her courtside seat. Michael was being entertained by the antics of his passionate date. She basically coached the game while sitting down, one hand interlocked with Michael’s and the other hand occasionally used to give direction to her beloved Pelicans, and nursing her second glass of moscato. Michael found himself laughing at her sincerity, gassing her up every now and then to reaffirm her sideline gripe.

“That’s right, baby!” “Y’all heard the lady!”

The two really looked like a couple. Not saying that their chemistry indicated otherwise; but this was their first public outing. The Paparazzi seemed to take notice of the two—cameras from all around the arena were tuning in to see Michael B. Jordan and his non-model date be boo’d up with one another. It was obvious that the two were being photographed. They could’ve given half a collective fuck what social media said about their relationship. If anything, they kinda absorbed the sudden attention.

It was Kiss Cam time. Couples throughout the arena were caught off-guard and gave their significant others quick, yet meaningful kisses.

“Well, damn, I guess niggas on the front row ain’t in love?”, Michael joked as he watched the other couples display their affection.

Yaa downed the rest of her wine, her eyes fixed on her sulking boyfriend.“I know you fuckin’ lyin. I just know you are, Kari.”,Yaa quickly responded as she started laughing.

“Naw, I ain’t. But I’m saying, if you had a date that looked good enough to eat, you’d want for them to be seen, too. That’s all I’m saying, baby.”

Yaa rolled her eyes at his antics, “You’re pathetic, you know that, right?”

Just as it seemed as the segment was over, the cameraman saved the best for last. The camera pointed at Yaa and Michael mid-laugh. Without hesitation, Michael gripped her chin and allowed his lips to taste the wine left on her lips. Damn, he’s a good kisser. Yaa pulled back first, her face more red than an Alabama home game.

“Oh, so you frontin’ for the cameras, I see.”, he whispered in her ear. A genuine cackle escaped her lips. “You gon’ stop, Kari!”

11:36 p.m.

Even though the game was in overtime, Yaa and Michael decided to leave early, in the interest of beating traffic and grabbing some late-night munchies. Clear and confident with their decision, the two made a quick beeline towards the tunnel. Unfortunately, with their decision came a flock of paparazzi behind them. The closer they got to the exit, the more cameras seemed to appear. Fuck. Whatever you do, don’t let go of his hand! Their brisk walk quickly turned into a jog. “Michael! Who’s the lucky lady?” “What’s your name?!” “I thought you only dated models, Mike? She doesn’t look like a model.” That last comment got the best of Yaa. “Aye, ya mammy doesn’t either, yet here we are!”, she scolded. As they made the last left turn to the exit, a group of maybe 10 camera people began their flashing light dance. This time, they weren’t moving out of the way. Michael stopped to assess a strategy.

“The hell you stop for?!”, a clearly shaken Yaa demanded.

“I need a plan. They don’t look like they’re going to move out of the way.”, Michael replied as he stared off in the exit’s direction. Yaa’s chest rose and fell as quickly as her heart was beating. Suddenly, her hand trembled in his and a slight sweat appeared on her forehead. Her fear-driven adrenaline was going into overdrive as the paparazzi came closer.

“Fuck, Winston, they’re everywhere!”, Yaa commented loud enough for only the two of them to hear. But before Michael could get pissed, he snatched her hand and made his way through the thick media jungle. Shuttering cameras, seizure-inducing flashing lights, and loud overlapping questions further added to the circus they walked through.

“Michael!” “Michael!” “ Mr. Jordan!” “Who is she? “How long are you in Philly? “Can you tell us about the movie?” “Michael, who’s your friend?” “How’s Cre—”. The clearly rambunctious questions being asked became muffled as the car doors closed. The two sat in somewhat silence as they tried to catch their breath. “Remind me...to never go anywhere else with you. Because that...that... was... bullshit.”, Yaa remarked in between breaths.

“I’ve never had the paps out on me like that. You ok? That was jus—did you really call me Winston back there?!”, Michael answered.

“I did? Oh shit, I’m so sorry!”

SOMEWHERE IN LOS ANGELES, 8:40 p.m.

“Aye, bro? Your ex, Klarissa, the real thick one, got dreads, right?”, Winston’s college friend Jamar asked as his furrowed brows remained glued to his phone.

“Klari-...you mean Khalida? Yeah. Why you ask?”, Winston asked as he handed Jamar another water.

“Looks like she’s on a date with...hold on…”, he took his glasses off to clean them and put them back on, “...Michael B. Jordan? She all up on this nigga, Duke.”

A date? Winston snatched the phone out of Jamar’s hand, “Gimme that and stop messing around, bro.” Sure enough, Jamar was right.

DEVELOPING: ACTOR MICHAEL B. JORDAN AND CINDERELLA DATE SPOTTED AT BASKETBALL GAME IN PHILADELPHIA

As he read the brief article, he began shaking his head involuntarily. He went numb with every paparazzi picture he saw of his Yaa and Michael holding hands. But when he saw the kiss cam picture and another picture of them exchanging smiles, that’s all his heart could stand to bear.

His chest felt numb and totally void of any sensation or urge of movement. She looks...happy. It’s one thing to lose a loved one in death, but to lose the one you truly love to someone else and to see them happier with them is a different kind of hurt. His heart had been dropped onto a cactus; pricked and pained, but not yet bleeding. In that very moment, Winston wanted to ball up into the fetal position and isolate himself from the rest of the world. Career, family, life in general be damned. Duke...yo, Duke!

“DUKE!”, Jamar snapped Winston out of his moment of despair.

“Yeah?”, Winston replied dryly.

“Aye, bruh, you good?”

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?” He didn’t realize his face and the top of his tank were wet from the excessive crying he’d did. Hell, he didn’t even know he was crying.

“Well, your ex is off dating movie stars and you’re funeral sobbing. She ain’t dead: she’s just moved on. You gotta allow her to move on and be happy. Besides, she ain’t say shit when you were with that crazy ass chick.”

“You know...I’m uh...gonna go to bed? Yeah, I’m going to bed. Lock the door when you leave . Goodnight.”

Before Jamar could get another word in, Winston walked briskly to his bedroom, slammed the door, and began to pace the floor. His chest began to heave as his sobbing intensified with every step. I fucked up, I fucked up, shit, I fucked up. No,no,no, no, no. She’s really moved on? All the women in the world, and he chose Khalida?! MY Khalida?!?! Fuck.

At some point, he was in denial that he saw Khalida in those pictures, because she surely wouldn’t have been kissing Michael B. Jordan. As much as he didn’t want to, he forced himself to go back to The Shade Room’s website to look at the article. Maybe, it could’ve been another thick woman with now ash blonde locs that shared similar tastes in optical wear. Maybe it was another beautiful Black woman that rocked bright red lipstick and wore black nail polish. Maybe, just maybe, the pretty lady in question’s embellished “K” brooch stood for something else, like, Kenya,Kenzie, or Kayla. Yeah, that was it: mistaken identity. Jamar knew how his best friend felt about Khalida and wanted to play around. Yup—case closed. But, when he looked at a new picture, his already confirmed suspicions were confirmed once more. As the two walked out of the arena and into the pool of flashing lights and voices fighting each other to be heard, Yaa naturally shielded her face with her right hand—the hand her Super Bowl ring always inhabited. Damn.

“FUUUCK!” ,he yelled at the top of his lungs.

He took deep breaths to calm down, certain that he’d startled his neighbors with his tantrum. “Why are you doing this to me, Yaa?”

Back in Philly, 12:30 a.m.

The maddening silence in the car made the 25 minute ride feel like a 12 hour ride. For Yaa, the obvious feeling of shame veiled over her. How could she call Michael “Winston” of all people at a time as that? Now, bitch, you knew better than that. You knew not to call that man no damn Winston. Try to fix it now. Her quick glances over to the driver side were calculated in the hopes that he wouldn’t see the shame over her face.

For Michael, it was much different. He knew that he obviously couldn’t be pissed , but he wasn’t necessarily fond of being called an ex of Yaa’s. He took the sound of silence to figure out what he needed to feel. Slight disappointment. Yeah, that was it: upon close self-deliberation, he had determined that he was just disappointed. Yet, the wave of his current emotion wouldn’t overtake him, as he knew that she wouldn’t be a repeat offender. A simple mistake made in the heat of the moment. Besides, he needed to meet that Winston fellow anyways.

Yaa finally broke the silence, “Baby, I’m sorry that I—” Her eyes crossed to take note of the index finger Michael had placed over her mouth. She looked over to see a silent Michael nodding his head subtly.

“You don’t need to apologize, love. I get it: in the heat of emotions and the moment, you reverted to calling a familiar name. You haven’t found yourself to be in a difficult situation with me, so now I understand.”, Michael explained as he finally removed his finger from over her lips,

“If anyone should be apologizing, it should definitely be me. I brought this attention to us. But, I can’t promise that that’ll be the last encounter with those nosy ass niggas.”

“Sooo...you’re not mad?”, a confused Yaa inquired for clarification.

He nodded, “Nah, in that moment, my ego was hurt, but since I’ve been driving, that fake anger was reduced to understanding. You’re good, mamas. Believe that.”

The two exchanged a glance and a laugh. Finally, the tense air had been cleared to play music. Yaa opened up her Spotify driving playlist and pressed shuffle. Ironically, “Say My Name” began playing, prompting a duet of a “Yoooooo!” to play background to the song.

“This shuffle ain’t shit!”, Yaa moaned with disgust.

THE HOT GIRL TAG LIST:

@muse-of-mbaku @kumkaniudaku @eriknutinthispoosy @whoramilaje @mbakusthrone @mbakuwife @crushed-pink-petals @forgottenthoughtsandmemories @eclecticblkgirl @jackburtonsays @randomwordprompts @bartierbakarimobisson @wakandan-flowerz @blackpantherreblogs @ljstraightnochaser @babygirlofwakanda @eerythingisshaka @washyourlinens @turn-thy-paige @doublesidedscoobysnacks @wakandas-vibranium @oceanscorazon @oshasimone @destinio1 @sonofnjobu @teheeboo @sarahboseman @thememoireeofme @iamrheaspeaks @chaneajoyyy @lovelynervouschaos @cay-cah @coonflix @katasstrophey @mareethequeen @jozigrrl @great-neckpectations @jellybean531 @yofavcocoa @storibambino @maya-leche @blackgirloneshots @royallyprincesslilly @texasbama @certifiednatural @abeautifulmindexposed

[singledarkshade]

Echoes

Part Nine

“Gideon.”

Rip moved towards her, barely noticing Cisco standing there grimacing, remembering the words the man on the message had said.

I chose to leave everything behind, including someone I cared for a great deal, to keep Jonas safe.

And he knew that she was who he’d left behind.

“Gideon,” he said again reaching the console, his hands drifting along it in a soft caress, “I knew this place was comfortable, I knew exactly what I was doing when I was fixing you and now I know why.”

“Captain?” she asked, annoyance filling her voice she demanded, “Mr Ramon, why is he here?”

Cisco grimaced, “He was our only chance to fix you. I tried, Jax tried but we needed Rip Hunter.”

“Gideon, I’m standing right here,” Rip stated slightly annoyed, “You can talk to me you know.”

“You should not be here,” Gideon reminded him, “Allow Mr Ramon to remove your memories once more so you can return to the life we made for you.”

Rip frowned, folding his arms across his chest in annoyance, “Not until I’ve finished repairs.”

“Michael,” Cisco said softly, “If you stay we won’t be able to remove your memories again. We might already be past the point of no return. And that was the point of you coming here in the first place.”

Letting out a soft breath Rip shook his head, “I know but what about the people who are missing? You’re saying that you want me to walk away and not help them? What about Detective West’s son? What about Wally?”

Rip paused for a moment as he realised that he’d never been told the boy’s name.

“Your priority must be Jonas,” Gideon argued.

“And it is,” Rip retorted, “But how can I look him in the eye knowing that I left people to die when I could have helped? And do not say I won’t remember,” he pre-empted her response, “Because part of me will always know.”

“My removal of your memories will be complete,” Gideon reminded him.

Rip shook his head, “Really? Because I called my dog Gideon.”

Silence filled the room for several minutes before Gideon spoke again, “And I am honoured by that.”

Rip let out a quick laugh before becoming serious again, “Gideon, Cisco, I am not going to let these people die if I can do something about it. I know I didn’t react very well when I found the message but I’m here now. So, can we get to work?”

“I’ll call Jax,” Cisco stated.

Gideon waited until Cisco had left the bridge leaving her alone with her Captain for the first time in what felt like forever. She had missed him, missed his presence, his energy and how he made her feel because it was only with him that she actually did.

“How are you, Rip?” Gideon asked softly.

Rip smiled, “We’re doing well, Gideon. I have a job I enjoy, I have good friends. Jonas is healthy and happy looking forward to going to school soon. I’m content in my life here.”

“Which is why you should return to it, Rip,” Gideon reminded him, “You are putting Jonas in danger by allowing anyone connected to the Legends know you are alive. Even if it is Mr Jefferson.”

He stroked the console once more, “I can’t. I can’t in good conscious abandon Sara and the team if I can do something.”

She almost reminded him they had abandoned him but didn’t because she knew his reply.

“I am unable to access where they are, Rip,” Gideon advised, “I do not know why.”

Rip frowned in thought soothing, “Don’t worry. We’ll find them.”

“I have missed you,” Gideon confessed, “Mr Ramon tells me what he can when we are in contact with Star Labs but it is not enough. It is not the same as having you with me or having Jonas onboard.”

Pulling out his phone Rip attached it to her systems so she could access it, “I missed you too. I don’t know if this will help but there are plenty of pictures and video clips of Jonas for you to see on the phone.”

He waited as Gideon went through each, several times smiling as he could feel the small vibrations of happiness.

“Once you have finished repairs, you will return to him,” Gideon stated.

Rip nodded, “I will.”

                                  *********************************************

  Cisco grabbed one of the coffees Joe had picked up before heading back into the Waverider and back to work. Rip’s memories appeared to be back almost completely, or they were at least regarding the ship and Gideon.

He wondered how Gideon planned on removing his memories again when the ship was fixed.

“Okay,” Rip yelled, “Turn it off.”

Jax sighed from his spot at the pilot’s seat, “Still not working.”

Rip sighed, “No. Gideon what the hell were the team doing to my ship?”

“In what way, Captain?” Gideon asked.

“The Waverider’s not had a proper maintenance done in months,” Rip replied, “At the very least.”

Cisco grimaced at the annoyance in the older man’s voice.

“Who is caring for you, Gideon?” Rip demanded sharply, “Tell me.”

“Dr Palmer and Miss Tomaz share responsibility,” Gideon replied.

Cisco saw the same look of horror cross both Jax and Rip’s faces at this news.

“Ray and Zari?” Jax demanded, “Neither of them know how to fix the ship properly.”

“They are the only ones left within the team with any possible notion however,” Gideon reminded them. “Although on occasion the Time Bureau are allowed on board to perform some maintenance.”

Cisco saw guilt pass over both faces at her response.

“Once we save them,” Jax spoke up, “I’ll stick around and make sure the ship is in top condition before the team go back out again.”

“If we ever get her fixed,” Rip sighed.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind?” Rip asked leaning against the wall of Star Labs just outside the Waverider.

“Don’t worry, Michael,” Katrina said, “He’ll be fine with us. We’ll stay in your apartment, so he is in his own bed if you prefer.”

Rip nodded, “Yes, that would be great. The book we’re reading is on top of the bookshelf, just one chapter though no matter how much he asks for another.”

“I know,” Katrina chuckled, “Make sure you get some sleep yourself, Michael. I know whatever you’re working on is important but so is your health.”

He winced, “I know.”

“I do not want to be called to the hospital again,” she told him sharply.

“I promise you I will get some sleep,” Rip replied, warmed by her concern, “There is someone here who will make sure of that. Trust me. Let me talk to Jonas.”

“Sure,” Katrina replied.

He heard her call to his son and the quick conversation between them before the happy voice came on, “Hi Daddy.”

“Hey,” Rip breathed smiling, he remembered that he’d lost his son once before and just hearing his voice made Rip feel better, “Are you okay staying with Katrina and Ali tonight while I work?”

Jonas let out a long sigh, “Yes, Daddy.”

“That’s my boy,” Rip said proudly, “Now I will call before you go to sleep, Katrina or Ali will read you your story tonight and I will see you tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Rip told him, “Be a good boy for Katrina and Ali. Give Katrina the phone back while you go and play. I love you.”

“I love you too, Daddy,” Jonas replied.

Rip listened as Jonas passed the phone back to Katrina.

“He’s fine,” Katrina assured him, “Ali has taken Gideon out for her walk so you don’t have to worry about either of them.”

“I’ll call before Jonas has to go to bed,” Rip promised.

  Rip sat in the parlour waiting.

“This is something I never expected to see ever again,” the familiar voice came from behind him making Rip smile.

Standing he turned to greet Gideon who was waiting with a warm smile covering her face. Without a word Rip wrapped his arms around her, holding her close as Gideon hugged him tightly.

Pulling back Rip looked into her eyes, “I have missed you.”

“No more than I missed you, Rip,” she replied, stepping into him again her arms sliding around his waist as she rested her head against him again holding on tightly.

Sliding his hand up and down her back Rip murmured, “You’re not annoyed I called my dog Gideon?”

A soft giggle came from her, “Actually flattered. I’ve seen your puppy she is adorable.”

“I told you that you would stay with me always,” Rip replied.

They stayed in their embrace for several minutes finally parting and taking a seat on the couch that had appeared in the parlour for them.

“Are they treating you properly?” Rip asked concerned, holding onto Gideon’s hand.

She shrugged, “No different than how they always did.”

“All this time onboard and they still don’t understand how special you are,” Rip sighed in annoyance, “I’m sorry.”

“I believe I told you before that you never have to apologise for choosing Jonas,” Gideon smiled at him.

“I’m not sorry I chose Jonas,” Rip told her, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t find a way to bring you with us.”

Gideon shook her head sadly, “This form exists solely here in my matrix,” she reminded him, “It is only possible to be with you like this in your dreams, my dear Captain.”

Rip sighed, “Not a Captain anymore.”

“Always my Captain,” Gideon reminded him forcefully, “You know that. Miss Lance leads the team but you will always be my Captain. We are forever linked, Rip. Miss Lance will never have that connection with me.”

Closing his eyes Rip rested his forehead against hers, “I still wish I could have found a way to keep us together.”

Placing her hands on his cheeks again Gideon smiled, “I keep you here with me at all times, Rip. I hold onto you when they annoy me too much and you kept me in the form of a puppy.”

  Opening his eyes Rip sighed looking around the room unsure where he was for a moment.

“Gideon?”

“I’m here, Captain,” Gideon replied before advising, “You are onboard the Waverider. Mr Ramon has brought breakfast which I expect you to eat before you get back to work.”

Rip chuckled to himself.

“Have I amused you, Rip?” Gideon demanded.

“It’s just nice to hear you nag me again, Gideon,” Rip replied sitting up, “Are the showers working yet?”

“As long as it is quick,” Gideon replied, “And you don’t expect it to be warm for half the time.”

Rip shrugged, “Well I’ve had worse. Let Cisco know I’ll be up in about ten minutes.”

After having a, very, quick shower Rip dressed before heading up to the bridge finding Cisco already sitting with Gideon going over what still needed to be looked at.

“Good morning,” Rip greeted when Cisco looked up.

“Morning,” Cisco replied, “Tea and food for you.”

Rip grabbed the cup and took a long drink, “Excellent, thank you. Where is Jax?”

“He’s on his way,” Cisco told him, “I’m trying to find a way to locate the crew so that once we get the ship ready to fly we’ll be able to rescue them.”

Rip nodded in agreement.

“I’m still not sure why the ship returned here,” Cisco told him, “I guess it was luck.”

“Nope,” Rip replied, taking another drink, “She came here because I am. Gideon’s protocol in event of the systems being damaged so badly that without assistance there was no way to help her Captain was to return to the Vanishing Point for repairs. Since it no longer exists she came to the place where the one person who could help was.”

Cisco frowned, “But she knew you didn’t have your memories.”

Rip’s hand gently stroked the console, “It wasn’t a conscious decision, Cisco. Gideon’s connection to me brought her here. She came home for help.”

Part Ten

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

----------------

--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

----------------------

--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------

"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.*         2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.*                         between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.*              3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.*  2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.*  either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

-------------

Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

-----------------------

Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------

"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).*  3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars