#he should keep the kiwi accent because i think it would be fun

[perksofhs]

‘You know what that does to me’

The missus goes to a show and backstage shenanigans ensue!  (Content warning: smut, but also some fluff! Enjoy! xx) 

Watching him perform was undoubtedly one of your favourite things. Whenever you could you’d be out in the crowd, the energy of the room never failing to lift you up. Harry also fed off the crowd, the buzz he got was addictive, and if you were there he’d always kick it up a notch, looking for you whenever he could just to make sure you were enjoying yourself. He’d catch a glimpse of you swaying your hips to the music and it sent him crazy. 

“Hmm you look good in that suit baby” you hummed, appearing from behind him, wrapping your arms around his torso as he adjusted tonights suit in the mirror. “You should leave a couple buttons undone, I mean I’m sure the fans would love it, as would I” you said, pressing a kiss just below his ear, causing him to close his eyes, leaning further into your touch. You smiled, walking around to face him, unbuttoning the top two buttons of his shirt, exposing the tattoo covered skin beneath. You stood aside to let him take a look in mirror and decide whether to keep it that way, although you pretty much knew he’d do whatever you told him turned you on. “See, much better” you smirked, pecking his lips quickly. At that moment Jeff poked his head in the door “Harry can you quickly come with me and greet some of our guests?” Harry nodded “Be there in a sec” Jeff nodded, going back out into the hallway. Harry turned to you again, before pulling you in for a rather passionate kiss, your hands momentarily finding themselves in his hair. It lasted a few seconds before he reluctantly pulled away “I’ll be back soon ok?” you nodded “Go before Jeff gets annoyed” you chided, giving him a light smack on the bum, sending him towards the door. You laughed a little, shaking your head before walking back out into the green room, taking a seat beside Adam and Clare happily joining into their conversation which mostly revolved around Adam’s kids. It wasn’t long until Harry waltzed back in, walking over to the three of you and sitting himself down next to you on the already pretty cramped couch. 

“I’m squished” you joked, “Come ‘ere” Harry said, grabbing you around the waist and lifting you onto his laps, his arms eventually resting around your hips with his chin on your shoulder. You leant back into him, “hmmm this is nice” you hummed, “I was thinking, after the show, hows about we don’t go out for drinks like usual but we just stay in the hotel room and cuddle and watch a sappy rom-com like usual? I’m feeling pretty tired” you suggested, Harry smiled “That sounds like a great idea babe, haven’t had a movie night in a while, been missing The Notebook a little bit” he smirked as you rolled your eyes “Look I love that movie as much as the next person but i’m pretty sure you’ve made me watch it at least 57 times and I need a break!” you laughed, Harry pouted, trying but failing to guilt you into it, “Stop it, we’re watching The Proposal and that’s that” you pecked his still pouty lips “Ok I guess I can deal with that” he sighed, pinching your hip hard enough to make you flinch. “10 minutes to showtime guys, lets go!” the tour manager announced and everyone clambered to their feet, Harry picking you up and setting you down in the process. He grabbed your hand leading you out the door towards the backstage area, stopping right at the stairs behind the stage. You could hear the crowd humming with excitement, the energy in the room electrified. “You better rock the shit out of this place tonight” you said, unbuttoning one more button “For good luck” you winked, Harry smirked, leaning down to place a kiss on your lips, this kiss was a little deeper than the usual pre-show kiss and you knew it would be one of those shows, one where he’d show off just for you. “Have fun out there, I’ll be watching” you said, giving him one last peck before walking out into arena. 

You made your way to your usual seat next to the sound and lighting crew beside B stage, the crowd cheering for you, which is something that you still barely comprehended even though you’ve been with Harry for 4 years. The lights went down and the crowd went wild, ear piercing screams filled the space as the opening notes of Only Angel rang through the arena. A minute later Harry strutted his way onto the stage, the screams intensifying as he confidently walked from one side of the stage to the other, waving and blowing kisses before the beat dropped and he got into the music. You watched him dance across the stage, enjoying every minute of it. You swayed your hips to the music, screaming the lyrics along with the crowd, earning you a few weird glances from the crew who thought it was hilarious. A group of fans to your right waved you over a few songs into the set wanting a picture and a chat. You honestly loved talking to the fans, almost all of them were incredibly friendly and supportive of your husband which is all you really cared about. You ended up standing near them for a couple of songs until there was a chatty break in the music “Lovely meeting you guys, I’m gonna go back over to my usual spot otherwise he’ll get mad” you joked “But hey how about during the encore break you three follow me backstage to say hi quickly?” the three girls squealed with glee, nodded and thanking you profusely, “Are you serious? Omg thank you so much!” one of them screamed “I’ll come back over and you can follow me back ok? See you soon!” you said, the girls nodding frantically, before giving them a wave and wandering back to your usual spot. 

“Have we got any birthdays in the house tonight?” Harry said, searching the crowd for anyone with a hand up landing on one girl a few rows behind the pit having a quick conversation with her before getting the crowd to sing happy birthday at the top of their lungs. “So my wife’s here tonight, she flew in yesterday to surprise me, what a gem hey?” he said, his accent getting thicker at the end, you smiled, blowing him a kiss which he pretended to catch and put in his pocket causing the crowd to ‘aww’ and you to laugh. “God I’m romantic” he proclaimed, narcissistic Harry making an appearance, you rolled your eyes and smiled “Hey I saw that” he laughed “She’s back there rolling her eyes, how rude! First you won’t let me watch The Notebook now this?!” the crowd laughed, a few joking boos mixed in “Hey hey hey we don’t boo people in this room! It’s only love in this room! Spread the love people!” he yelled and the crowd cheered. You could’t help but smile, the room really was filled with only love and it was all because of him. 

The show continued, you watched him perform to the entirely enamoured crowd that couldn't focus on anything but him, his movements and his voice. Soon enough Sign of The Times started following Harrys usual spiel about how the encore works then getting everyone to bring out their torches and light the arena up, it had to be on of his favourite moments from every show. You walked over to the group of fans from before, “Hey girls you ready? We’ll make our way backstage now and you can say hello when he comes back!” you laughed as they squealed before collecting their things and following you around to the front of the arena, a few fans giving you a wave along the way. Security let you through and you stood just near the bottom of the stairs behind the stage chatting as SOTT came to an end and the lights went out before your husband came bounding down the stairs, locking eyes with you immediately before engulfing you in a rather sweaty hug. “Ew you’re sweaty!” you jokingly tried to escape the hug, a pout on his lips as you wriggled free. “I met a few people who’d like to say hello” you said, introducing the girls to Harry, watching as he gave each of them a hug, apologising for being a little gross but of course they didn’t care. He took a quick group photo with the three of them before security led them back out into the arena, leaving just you and him alone. You wrapped your arms around his neck “You look so good tonight baby” you whispered into his ear, his hands lowering to just above your bum, causing you to move a little closer, entangling your hands in his hair, tugging ever so slightly. “Baby, stop it, you know what that does to me” he moaned, biting his lip, trying to hold himself together knowing that in just about 30 seconds he’d be back on stage and he didn’t want to give anything away. “Sorry babe, I can’t help it, watching you on stage gets me all riled up and you know it so really it’s your fault” you said, hands still not leaving his sweaty hair. “20 seconds Harry!” one of stage hands called, he nodded in response, pressing a quick kiss to your lips, pulling away with a “See you soon babe” before running back up the steps and back onto the stage, another roar from the crowd filling the arena. He knew how to keep you going even if he wasn’t touching you and you both loved and hated it. 

You wandered back out, choosing to watch the last 3 songs from the back of the left GA. The Chain was always one of your favourite songs, part of the reason Harry had added it to the setlist, and if you were at a show he’d use the song to tease you, and boy did it. Tonights performance riled you up more than usual, you were growing more and more impatient with ever thrust of his hips towards the mic stand, the subtle smirks directed at only you scattered throughout the performance and by the time Kiwi came on you were hot and flustered, and Harry could tell. ‘I hate you’ you mouthed, Harry’s brow furrowing in mock confusion, he was completely aware of what he was doing and he loved it. During Kiwi you watched on, trying not to show how you were feeling because you new he was enjoying watching you squirm. You decided to leave towards the end of Kiwi, making sure he saw you walk out, looking back with a smirk on your face. You could hear Kiwi end as you walked down the hallway towards the dressing room, and the final roar of the crowd as Harry exited the stage. 

Within a matter of seconds Harry ran up behind you, grabbing your hand pulling you into a small empty dressing room and locking the door behind him. “Someones impatient” you teased, wrapping your arms around his neck, crashing your lips onto his, his arms tightly around your waist, lifting you off the ground, carrying you towards the couch. You pulled away, lying back on the small couch, your fingers fumbling with the buttons on his shirt “See I told you keeping it unbuttoned would have been much better, and easier” you joked, pecking his lips before removing the sweaty shirt, throwing it somewhere across the room. “Didn’t want to make you too flustered” and with that, his hands were puling your t-shirt over your head before trying to unclasp your bra, as your own needy hands unbuttoned his trousers. You struggle just a bit to get his pants down his sweaty thighs just far enough to allow you the access you so desperately crave. Harry groans as you play with the hem of his underwear, your lips never leaving each others during this whole process. “Stop teasing.. me..” Harry pants, finally getting the your bra off and flinging it somewhere behind him and hastily freeing you of your jeans and panties in one swift movement. You smirk into the kiss, you loved teasing him just a little. You relish for one last second in the tease before pushing his boxer briefs all the way down every so slowly. He moaned under your touch as you grazed your fingers back up his thigh before giving him an agonising slow pump that sent him fucking wild. “I told you to stop teasing” he growls, grabbing both yoru wrists and placing them above your head. He’s now in full control. 

“Now keep your hands there ok?” He instructs, staring deep into your eyes, sweat dripping down his cheeks. You bite your lip and nod your head, knowing that simple bite of the lip would send him even further. “Fuck you are beautiful” he says, before trailing his hands down your torso, your breathing getting heavier, before he reaches the spot where you need him the most. He delicately rubs the bundle of nerves as you bite your lip even hard trying to stifle a moan but failing miserably. “You like that huh?” he says, knowing exactly what he is doing. He lifts his fingers up to his mouth, taking two of his fingers in one by one before tracing them along your inner thigh, find their way to where you needed them. You were squirming, the craving almost unbearable. “Please Harry, I need y-ugh” before you could finish he slipped two fingers in. Pumping at a fast pace, your walls tightening around his fingers to exntend the pleasure, an endless string of moans coming from your mouth as you got closer and closer. He went deeper and deeper before hitting the spot. you writhed under his touch, bucking your hips up to get him to go even deeper. Your moans became more desperate as you tipped over the edge, reaching your high. “Good baby, I wanna see you let go, fuck you’re so beautiful” he encourages you to finish and you obey, your body tingling as you hit the orgasm you had been so desperately craving. “Good girl, good girl” he pulls his fingers out, now dripping in you. 

“I love you Harry” you pant, still coming down off the first high. Although you were satisfied, all you wanted to do was keep going. You grabbed his hand, putting his fingers in your mouth, sucking on them ever so gently. Yet another thing you knew sends him fucking crazy. You released his fingers, reaching up to grab his face, you crash your lips back on his, enjoying the taste of each other, as you kissed you reahed down to stroke him, he was stiff and ready. “You’re eager tonight aren’t you baby” he says, you can only hum in response, already coming back up to another high. “I need you Harry, all of you” and with that, he pumps himself twice before pushing himself in. You stretch around him, his length filling you, going impossibly deep. He thrusts hard and fast, desperately trying to hit his peak. Your lips separate, the movement too much as your head falls back, both of you moaning in absolute pleasure. “Fuck! Fuck Harry.. ughhh” you’re almost screaming as he continues to push deeper. You can tell he’s getting there, and he can tell you are too. Your moans get louder and louder, both of you panting as you reach your climaxes simultaneously. there is no doubt that anyone walking past could hear you, but both of you were so lost in the moment that neither of you cared. You buck your hips, desperately trying to hit your peak as he speeds up trying to do the same, you both hit your highs, releasing together. The euphoria of the orgasm washing over both of you. His thrusts slow and become sloppy, his eyes closed, a grin now adorning is lips. 

As you both come down, you relax into each other. As he slows, Harry’s body becomes heavy on top of yours, and you both sink into the couch. Your breaths steadying as he rests his head on your bare chest, his hand lazily rubbing at your exposed breast. “That was.. incredible” he says, and it was true. Post show sex was always the most fun. “Worth the wait?” you tease, a smirk on your lips and a cheesy grin on his, “definitely worth the wait. Although you really are a tease sometimes”. You chuckle “You actually love it though, I know you do”. You both remain there, satisfied, happy and more than a little bit sweaty. 

“I suppose we should go back out and see people huh? I have a feeling someone may be looking for us” Harry says, even though he would rather just stay in this moment. “Harry I’m pretty sure they know where we are, we weren;t very subtle, or quiet!” you giggle at the thought of everyone hearing what has just occurred but you honestly couldnt care less. “Thats true, but either way we should probably get up” he says, pushing himself up from the small couch, pulling you up with him as he goes. You two really were a sight to behold. Both of you naked, hair dishevled, sweat glistening on both of your skins. Even if they hadn’t have heard you, they’ll for sure be able to tell.

You both relcutantly get dressed, albiet with Harry’s suit looked more than a little messy, sneaking one last kiss before you unlock the door and head back to his dressing room. You pass a few people in the hallway, a pleasant smile and a few hellos before you both walk into the fairly busy dressing room. As you both enter, a few knowing glances are sent your way, your cheeks flush red while Harry smirks, relishing in what you;re sure he see;s as an accomplishment. You giggle and hide your face in his side as you both take a seat on the yet again crowded couch. “You two look a bit.. flustered” Jeff says, your cheeks glowing red again in embarassment before the group all start laughing, you and Harry chuckling along with them. Oh what a night it has been!

Hey lovelies! Two in one night! This is yet another installment of “The Words You Speak” series. I rarely write raucnhy content, I think this is only the second one I’ve ever properly written! It;s been sat in my drafts for quite a while but I though I may as well post it! As usual, requests are open so let me know what you want to read! Enjoy xxx 

[limenysnocket]

The Plan

Summary: It's your birthday (hooray!) and you still have to work (not so hooray). Nevertheless, you can still count on your friends to cheer you up, but not as much as your loveable boyfriend who insists you spend your birthday with him and a romantic dinner, rather than at a party your friends set up.

Warnings: Swearing, drinking, Taika (yes, he gets his own warning), some content may be explicit-ish.

Request: @whatwememeintheshadows

A/N: So people are actually planning their fics nowadays???? Did I not get the memo or something??? These come straight from my head????

THIS IS SO LATE I'M SORRY. Happy (very) belated birthday.

Tags: @honorarytenenbaum @olyvoyl

○●□○●□○●□○●□○

Okay, so maybe work was less of a bitch today, you had to admit. People were nicer to you today, you got an extra thirty minutes added on to your lunch break just because, and, of course, you got a couple of dirty birthday cards and some cash, but that really shouldn’t matter, should it? What did matter, is that you would get to have some you-time, all by yourself, with your vibrator, a couple of movies, and some nice, low calorie ice cream (that tasted like total shit). At least... That’s what you thought would happen.

“You should totally come party with us! I’ve got the booze, Jess has the men, and we’ll make a whole night out of it! Alcohol, strippers, and dancing! How does that sound?” your friend, Enid, reiterated everything for you at least one thousand times today.

“If I wanted a stripper, I’d ask Taika to dye his hair, shave himself everywhere, and oil up a little. That’s the only sight I’d be happy to see, thank you,” you huff and smile. You appreciate the effort to get you out and about, possibly be a little frisky, but your heart just wasn’t in it, and that was much to Taika’s luck.

“Oh, come on. Taika can’t have that much of a grip on you! He has a lot of ‘female friends’, so what’s wrong with you having some ‘male friends’ hm?” Jess cooed to you, but you immediately whirled around, insulted that she would even suggest that you would do such a thing. And you were sure Taika had female friends, yes, but they were just friends. Nothing else. Although, his flirtatious behavior scared you sometimes, at parties. Some of the women would just swarm him, and you feared any one of them would catch his fancy more than you did.

“No. I don’t want strippers at whatever the hell you’re planning,” you stated again, firmly this time. Your two friends whined again, Jess lowering her head in defeat.

“Fine, but can we still bring booze? Invite a few more friends to party?” Enid asked, setting a hand on your shoulder and pleading to you with large eyes.

You chew at your cheek and think for quite some time. Your friends want to throw you a genuine party, and God knows how long it’s been since you’ve hung around a group of unfamiliar faces, especially since you started to date a Hollywood writer. Maybe it was just what you needed. Taika was supposed to be busy for the night, anyway.

You succumbed to the pressure, and nodded. “Okay,” you agreed. “But if we get any noise complaints, your talking to the cops for me.”

“Hell yeah! You’re not going to regret this! Just you wait! Go home and clean your place up a little. I’ll be by in an hour or two to get things set up!” Enid clapped her hands together in mischief, and Jess suddenly looked more spry. You gave her a warning glance, and she only grinned back, before skipping away, chatting gayly with Enid at her side.

You can’t believe the shit you just got yourself into, and you still wouldn’t believe it, the moment Enid and Jess arrived with their arms full of cheap liquor, streamers, finger foods, and a bunch of colorful-looking lights that look like they just came from a Wal-Mart Christmas sale. As soon as you gave them the go-ahead, they started tearing shit open. Between setting up, your phone started to ping over and over again, as well as your friends’ phones. Apparently, just a few hours was enough time to notify everyone in LA about a party, who it was for, and where it was going to be at. 

You just sat back and sipped on frozen margaritas (meant for the party, but it's your party so you didn't give two shits), until the party started and there was a heavy flow of people rushing into your home. Invited or uninvited.

When things started getting wild, that's when a pact was made. Enid and Jess would be cleaning up your house after this was over. You were already stepping over beer cans as it was.

You can't even say you were having fun there. You barely knew anyone. Most of the people there were just randoms looking for a good time, and unfortunately you saw some of them getting that good time in a dark corner. You made an excuse to run upstairs and lock all the doors of the bedrooms before anyone could think about getting there. That's what you thought, at least.

The party was getting to be too much, too quickly. In haste, you locked yourself into your bedroom, and took a step back. You could still hear the muffled voices and loud, posh laughter on the other side of the door. Those girls would pay. You rush over to your window, overlooking your backyard and see people divebombing into your pool, creating waves and getting people outside of the pool wet. People were leaving their trash everywhere, and many red, plastic cups floated in the (for now) clear waters. You didn't know how much more you could take. Maybe parties weren't your thing after all. Especially with strangers.

You sit back on your bed and you don't even bother looking out the window anymore. It was best to stay inside your room, if you didn't want to be molested or assaulted by some dumbass who thinks it's okay to anonymously grope women in crowded areas. Your face buries in your hands, griping to yourself how this would be over in a few hours. Right?

There's a subtle knock on your door, and you jump. It's in the regular, stiff-three order, so you are very hesitant about going and getting it. Then, there comes the "shave and a haircut" tune. Not a very good one, and kind of slurred, guessing by the way there was a loud thud at the very end, the person knocking was shoved against the door. Damn you and your pity.

You're quick to move, despite the strong feeling telling you not to. You just knew some poor soul was being smooshed out there. Fuck, you were nervous. This was screaming bad idea, but you were going to pull through anyway. The plan in your head seemed childish, but it should work fine if the person was desperate enough to get in. One quick swipe of the door, and you're golden! Surely...

You flick the doorknob lock and gulp, keeping a tight grip. On the count of three-- and after having to restart because another desperate knock jumbled up your thoughts-- you sent the door flying open. Sure enough, a heavy body came tumbling in with it, tripped, tried to balance, then ended up crash-landing cartoonishly into your bed, bonking their head a tad on the wooden post at the end of the frame. You hissed a little bit, then closed the door again. You rushed to their aid as the person looked up.

"I thought you liked private parties more than this," a soft, kiwi accent cooed at you, obviously through unbridled pain. This bewildered you even more.

Taika was sitting on the floor, legs extended out in front of him, making him look like a giant from your angle, and he was dressed in a blue tux, black dress shirt, and polished black shoes. Well, they seemed a little scuffed now.

"Shit, Taika-- what the fuck are you doing here?" you drop to your knees and cradle his aching head. He winced at the touch, but was too happy to see you again to deny it.

"Well, I came to take you out on a surprise birthday dinner. Maybe pick up a bottle of wine and go dancing with my favorite person, you, under moonbeams and twighlight," his head bobbled from side to side, which didn't help his animated character, "but it seems to me you have company... and a lot of it."

You sigh and brush an unkempt curl back into place while he cheekily grins at you. "This wasn't my idea," you murmur. "Friends set this up. They'll also be the ones to take it down. I didn't really want to spend my birthday with anyone this year. Makes me feel old."

"Well, you seriously should have known someone was about to stop you from taking another bite of that shitty ice cream in your freezer. They dished it out in shot glasses down there. Even a sober chick couldn't handle the taste," Taika snorted playfully and you rolled your eyes. He seemed to be taking this situation surprisingly well. It was weird. "But it was much to my misfortune that your 'friends' got to you before I could. Maybe I should have settled on a birthday lunch, but that didn't sound too appealing to me."

"Would have been much better than the chicken salad and dry-ass piece of cake I had for lunch today," you fired back. He sighed again and stood up with a groan. You followed with him.

"What now?" he mumbled, stroking the stache on his upper lip, then letting the tips of his fingers wander down to his smooth, freshly shaved cheeks.

"Well, we're both stuck here, so I suppose we settle in for the night and wait it out." You plop yourself down on your bed again and just stare up at him. He doesn't move, however. His eyes were focused on the window, more specifically the lock on it, and he was nibbling at his bottom lip. He was thinking. Some people might call it strange to watch him think sometimes. He really was like a cartoon. With one tap of his foot, he spun around on his heel and faced you.

"New plan," he clapped his hands together. "Get dressed."

You were confused for the next fifteen minutes or so. He helped you pick out a deep blue dress that would somewhat match his and black heels. He was escorting you all over the room with his hand on your lower back. He even tried to do your makeup for you, but he was so inexperienced, you had to take over. The last time he had to do someone's makeup was on the set of the original, five-minute What We Do in the Shadows film.

While you finished your makeup, he was practically smooching your window. He was staring at it like a dog asking to go outside. It made you a bit nervous, seeing the cogwheels turn in his head. He took your hand and lead you to the window, unlocking it and pushing it up.

"Want to go first?" he said behind a proud smile. When he only received silence and a pure, "what the fuck," stare back to his face, he shrugged, and stepped out the window himself. Luckily, you knew fully well he wasn't about to fall flat on his face and die on the pavement below. You had a screened back porch, with a roof over it's head as well, since the seasons tend to get very hot and sticky and mosquitoes just love to lay visits. He stepped onto the roof, trying not to bring too much attention to himself. Once he had bounced down, he brushed himself off, then looked up at you, expectantly.

"Come on, then! Don't have all night!" he hollered and waved to you. "Need me to catch you?"

You gulped, not bothering to answer him. You gently scooted your lower half out the window and taking your heels into your hand. You didn't want to break an ankle on the landing. "Lord, give me strength," you muttered, squeezed your eyes shut, then took a leap of faith. You tried not to squeal as the rushing air flew by you like sticky wind, but before you knew it, your feet touched slanted ground. You felt like you were about to tumble, but strong hands met your waist and kept you up.

"Beautiful!" Taika beamed and kissed your flushed cheek.

"I hate you sometimes," you slapped his chest and made him laugh. He took your hand and started leading you to the other side of the porch roof, and came to the end, where your driveway supposedly was. Parked dead center was Enid's big, black SUV. Tall enough to just be a little hop away from the roof.

"One more, leap, dear?" Taika was on the move again, but you grabbed his sleeve before he could actually make the jump.

"Taika, no. That's Enid's car. She already spends so much on gas, think of how pissed she'll be if she has to remove dents from her roof!" you explain, nervous from the outcome of this little plan of yours.

"Sweetheart," Taika said airily, turning his full attention to you and taking your hand again. "If she was a good friend, she would have known a massive party like this would have pissed you off. Plus, I don't think just cleaning the house is going to get even with this God awful day. So, why not put a few dusty footprints on her car, hm?" Taika was back to grinning, and before you could say anymore, he had leapt away and landed on top of the car with a large thud. He motioned to you with a swipe of his hand. You were in way too deep with him to give up on him now.

You followed through, heels swinging in one hand, and he caught you again like the perfect, Maori prince charming he was.

Car hop, after car hop, he lead the way and made sure you were okay with every stop, until you reached a small enough car to hop down, scale the lawn and make it to his jeep.

"That was," you said, breathless. You couldn't find the right words, and Taika just chuckled at you.

"Exciting?" he filled in the blank space on his own, cocking an eyebrow.

"Yeah," you laugh, fanning your chest and brushing a single strand of hair back. "That's a good word for it."

"Well, excitement doesn't stop here," he opened your door into the jeep for you, bowing respectfully and playing everything up for you, like you were royalty. "I have everything set up for you to have a great night with yours truly. As long as everything goes according to the plan this time..."

[cocochannel00]

Quarantine Date

Boyfriend!Harry plans a date in the era of social distancing...

A big PSA to all of my lovely followers: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WEAR A MASK AND SOCIAL DISTANCE WHEN IN PUBLIC. DON’T PUT YOURSELF AND OTHER PEOPLE AT RISK

Harry knew how important your work was to you. You were an essential worker during the COVID pandemic and had been working rigours 12+ hour shift at the hospital. You had barely seen or talked to Harry over the last couple of months, mainly because he had been locked down in LA for the first half of quarantine and you had been basically living in the hospital lounge. You had been dating Harry for almost a year now so you knew what it was like to have him far away, but this time it felt different. This time all you wanted to was spend your day off curled up in bed with Harry and watch as he tried to imitate Heath Ledger's accent in 10 Things I Hate About You instead of watching it by yourself. I guess you’d just have to spend the day wallowing in self pity with your tub of ice cream. 

You were half way through your movie when your phone rang. Too lazy to look at who’s calling to picked up the phone and spoke a quick hello.

“You. Me. Date tonight. No excuses” the person said through the phone.

“Why Tom Holland I’m flattered, but I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend already” you replied back as a joke.

“Ha ha very funny (y/n) and besides I know you don’t have Tom’s number yet. But seriously, I’ve been home nearly a week and I haven’t seen you in person.” Harry spoke.

“Haz, 4 patients on my floor tested positive for COVID this week. I don’t want to expose you or god forbid Anne or Gemma to it”

“We can do a social distance date, I’ll plan the whole thing,” Harry practically begged.

“Harry I don’t know...” you stated with a sigh.

“I know today is your day off and you’re probably curled up in bed with some ice cream right now so hear me out. You stay in your room and relax for the rest of the day and I’ll spend the day planning our date tonight. Please, love, I really want to see you even if it’s six feet apart and with a mask” Harry pleaded.

“Ok ok fine I’ll go on a social distancing date with you but only if you promise to stay 6 ft away” you said sternly.

“I’ll bring a measuring tape so you can double check” he replied as you laughed.

“Wonderful, I can’t wait. Do I need to wear something special to this date tonight?” You asked curiously.

“That’s a surprise for later”

“Harold you know I hate surprises” you whined over the phone.

“I know that’s why I love them. Now I need to go, I have lots of planning to do for tonight. Love you”

“Love you too, H. See you tonight” you replied before hanging up the phone.

You were excited yet nervous to see Harry in person. Seeing his face through zoom was one thing but seeming all of him in person without being able to run up and hug him could very well crush you on the spot. All you knew for sure was that thinking about this date was take up your entire day. You weren’t one for grand cheesy gestures and you hated being the center of attention so you prayed that Harry didn’t go overboard on the whole evening.

You groaned quietly as you rolled over the the other side of your bed (usually Harry’s side) and checked the alarm clock to see it was only 5 pm so you had at least another 3 hours of wallowing in self pity until Harry came back. For once you just wanted the clock to move faster. Sinking back down into your sheets you ran a hand through your wet hair from your morning shower. You knew you should have brushed it earlier so that it didn’t frizz , but you hadn’t been expecting company and you didn’t really care what you looked like under all your PPE at the hospital. Just as you were beginning to detangle your hair you got a message from Harry.

Harry: Wear pajamas tonight, we’re going extra comfy. Love you - H

You smiled at the message and placed the phone back onto your lap. Nothing could ever put a smile on your face faster than Harry’s name popping up on your screen. Back when you first started dating and you had been stressed about going back to work after visiting him on tour he would send you pictures of puppies every morning just to cheer you up. Now he’s resorted to other much less innocent tactics to try and cheer you up when you’re have a bad day, but you couldn’t complain (especially during quarantine). With all that said, Harry continues to surprise you daily so to say you were excited for your date night would be an understatement. The only thing getting you through the wait was knowing you needed to take at least a 2 hour nap before he got there otherwise you would pass out during your date tonight.

——————— /// ——————— // ——————-

You woke up to the sound of “Kiwi” blasting in your ear as the timer you had set went off. Carefully, you untangled yourself from your excessively long phone charger before check the time and realizing you only had ten minutes to get ready. How many times had you pressed snooze in your sleep? You were in too much of a rush to figure it out as you raced to your closet to put on a comfy pair of pajama shorts and an old college t shirt. Even though Harry said it was going to be casual you decided to still go through the effort of putting on a bit of concealer and foundation to try and cover up the bags under your eyes. You were just rubbing in your moisturizer when you got another text from Harry.

Harry: I’m downstairs, don’t look out your window. Come to the backyard when you’re ready because our date night is about to begin. - H 

You grinned widely at the message and quickly finished putting on the rest of your make-up while also running a brush through your hair. Your hair had definitely had better days but it was too late to do anything besides put your hair in a bun to try and keep the frizz down with the growing humidity. With one last look in the mirror, you went downstairs to go meet Harry.

You carefully made your way to the door and grabbed one of your cloth masks off of the counter before putting it on and opening the door to your backyard. Your porch had been covered in fairy lights and two mountains of pillows had been placed on opposite sides of the backyard. In the middle their stood a giant sheet with a projector set up underneath it. It looked like something out of a rom-com and you were shocked that Harry was able to set all of this up without you knowing. Just as you were about to call out Harry’s name you saw him walk in through the back door with a mask on, a bottle of wine in his hands. He was wearing one of your favorite striped shirts that you said made him look like Where’s Waldo’s cousin. 

“I know it’s not exactly how I would have liked to see you on our first date in months, but I made sure to measure out the 1 meter (6 feet) for the cushions” Harry stated as he placed the bottle of wine down on a table next to a box of pizza. 

Your eyes began to water at the sight of him in front of you. It had been so long since you had seen him in person and so much had happened in your life in the last couple months that all you wanted to do was run up and wrap your arms around him. You impulsively put your arms out and took a couple of steps forward before you remembered that you couldn’t touch him and put your hands down. A tear fell down your cheek just as Harry looked up from the bottle he was attempting to open.

“Y/n what’s wrong love. Did I do something wrong?” He asked cautiously as you shook your head.

“Just missed you a lot. Wanted to give you a hug, but I don’t want to risk it” you replied softly as you took off your mask and wiped the stray tears from your face. 

Harry slowly took off his mask and gave you a sympathetic smile, “Wish I could run up and hug you too, love. Missed you so much these past couple of weeks. Thought I was going to go crazy with Jeff and all that baking in LA”.

You chuckled softly at his efforts of lightening the mood before scrunching your nose the extensive facial hair you didn’t remember seeing before.

“When did you grow that fuzz ball on your face?” you questioned sarcastically as you made your way over to one of the pillow piles. 

Harry scoffed at your remark and ran his hand across his face, “Excuse me miss [y/l/n] but this has taken me nearly four months to grow and I’d say it is much more than just a fuzz ball” 

“You’re right Har, you definitely grew it out to pornstar level. Proud of you baby” you said with a giggle as Harry glared at you. 

“I did not come here to get harassed about my new look” Harry grumbled jokingly as he gave you his cheshire smile. 

“You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t make fun of your tremendous accomplishments. Thank you by the way, for putting all of this together. This was really sweet. Oh my god, stop, is this your fuzzy sweater” You said with a squeal as you put on his multicolored cardigan he had placed on top of a blanket. You inhaled the smell of his Tom Ford cologne and smiled.

“I figured since I can’t give you a hug yet, you could wear that” he replied back as he carefully opened the box of pizza he had placed on a small table in the middle of the porch. 

You moaned softly as you stared at the pizza just a few feet away from you. 

“Why have I never heard you moan like that for me in bed?” Harry joked as you glared at him.

“That was my foodgasm moan. You know damn well I don’t keep quiet with you so I don’t want to hear any complaints. Now, give me two slices of that delicious pizza please” 

Harry laughed at your response as he placed his mask back on and put on some hand sanitizer before placing two piece of pizza on a plate and pouring you a glass of wine. He walked over to you carefully and placed the food and the glass on a tray next to you that you hadn’t seen. You thanked him before placing the tray in your lap and taking a sip of your wine. Harry began to grab himself a slice when you shouted his name and took out your phone. 

“Wait I want to get a picture of you in person. I can’t keep stalking your fans’ accounts to get pictures of you.” you mumbled as you tapped on your camera. 

Harry nodded grudgingly before he took off his mask and began posing with the bottle of wine. 

“I think I could be one of those influencers” he joked as he nearly spilled the wine onto his shirt. 

“I think maybe we should leave that to the pros” you replied jokingly as you curled up into your pillow fort and began munching on your food. 

Harry sat down in the the pillow fort adjacent to yours on your porch. The two of you talked as you ate and tried to catch each other up on anything that you had missed on your various facetime calls. It was nice to be able to see him in person and know that he was okay. You had been so worried he would catch it while in LA and even though he wasn’t in one of the high risk categories you had witnessed several health people die of the disease and you didn’t even want to think about Harry in that situation. After you had both finished your meals Harry decided to put on “10 Things I Hate About You” and proceed to jump up next to the sheet you guys were using for a screen and act out the entire bleacher serenade live. 

You could not keep the smile off of your face that night. Harry had this way of making you forget all of your problems when you were with him and you were grateful to have found someone as caring as him. 

“ I love you H, thank you for a wonderful night” you whispered as the credits rolled onto the screen. 

“Anything for you love. Glad I got to see for a bit even if you did fall asleep on me halfway through the movie.” He replied back with a grin.

“It wasn’t my fault! You made my pillow fort to cozy, how could I resist a cat nap?” you stated as you smiled at him.

“Can’t blame you for it. Got a couple of cute pictures of you sleeping for my lock screen though.” He replied with a smirk as you groaned.

“Harry I was definitely drooling, you need to delete those” you said as Harry shook his head. 

“Can’t do that. Got to show mom our lovely date night”

“Fine, but no one else sees that picture besides Anne. I can’t have Mitch and Jeff teasing me everytime I see them like with the whole ketchup fiasco.” you mumbled as you began to fold the blanket you had wrapped around your body during the movie. 

“Leave everything there love, you need to go get some sleep before your shift tomorrow. I’ll clean all of this up, you just head inside for me” Harry stated as he turned off the projector and began taking down the sheet. 

“Are you sure?” you asked hesitantly. 

‘Yes, love, you need your rest. Go, come on. I can’t have you falling asleep while taking care of your patients.” Harry replied.

You hesitated for a minute before buttoning up the sweater Harry had given you and putting your mask back on. 

“I don’t want to leave here without giving you a hug” you stated softly as Harry looked at you with a small smile.

“(Y/n) if you want a hug all you have to do is ask, would have given you one the minute I got here. Let me grab my mask.”

“You’re sure you’re okay with this? I got tested two days ago for COVID and the last 6 have been negative but I don’t get the results till tomorrow and I don’t want you to get ill” you replied with a hesitant look. 

“Love I think with all of the hand washing and the masks we’ll be okay, but I’ll only give you one if you want it” he said as he put on his mask and adjusted the nose wire. 

“I want one” you said as Harry opened his arms up for you.

You practically jumped into his arms and nearly started sobbing from the first really physical contact you’ve had with anybody in weeks.

“God I love you so much (Y/n)” Harry stated as he tugged you closer and placed a kiss on your temple through his mask.

“I love you too H” you replied back as you closed your eyes tight and tried to hold on as long as possible.

“Good now come on, get to bed so you’re well rested for tomorrow. I’ll come back tomorrow night with some dinner after your shift so we can eat together again. Would that be ok?” he asked as he placed his hands on your hips.

“That would be lovely. I get off at 8 tomorrow”

“I’ll be waiting for you here, don’t worry” Harry stated. 

“Ok, I’ll go. I love you” you replied as you carefully untangled yourself from Harry and slowly made your way inside.

“I love you too. good night Haz” 

“Night love, see you tomorrow”

———————————————————————

@thereal(y/n) Someone tell my boyfriend that he’s not cool enough to be sponsored by this amazing wine

View all 25 comments

@harrystyles Tell that to Gucci

@annetwist You two are too cute

@jeffazoff Sharing is caring Harold

Masterlist

[girls-scenarios]

Stuck Together

Idols: Yves and Chuu (Loona)

Prompt: There was a twtau about Chuu who became spidergirl. sadly it got deleted but i need more Alright so Chuu got bitten by a spider and becomes a superhero. She is still an amateur but tries her best. After a troublesome famil moment she goes to patrol in the city then her school crush Yves got attacked by thieves and Chuu saves her. As a thank Yves gives her the famous spiderkiss but after that the mask feels down and the identity gets revealed! But Yves is fine with that and they become a couple.

Writer: Admin Kiwi

A/N: I got the message about them knowing each other before Chuu saves Yves, but I kept it just to make sure I was following exactly what you wanted! I use their real names in this (Sooyoung and Jiwoo) and some of the other Loona girls appear as well. Anyways, I loved this prompt and I hope you all enjoy!

♡ Tip Jar♡

Being Spider-Girl wasn’t easy. In fact, nothing in Jiwoo’s life had been easy since that fateful day. She’d woken up stuck to her sheets with the biggest and weirdest spider she’d ever seen on her face, and things had mostly gone downhill from there. She’d accidentally punched through a wall, got stuck on just about everything, and webbed up the bathroom by sneezing. Sure, there were useful things about her powers. She could now see in the dark, and it just about took being hit by a truck to hurt her, but she wasn’t sure that made up for the stingers that would randomly emerged from her fingertips. At one point, she’d accidentally left a girl stunned and frozen in the bathroom with them. Also, there seemed to be more spiders around her, for some reason. She wasn’t sure it that was because of her powers, though.

Eventually, she learned to control them all. Sometimes webs still came out of her wrists when she sneezed, but for the most part, there were no more near-death accidents. And somehow, through it all, she’d managed to keep her powers and identity a secret. She hadn’t wanted to be a superhero (not really, she was kind of afraid of it all) but she’d quickly found that she couldn’t just stand by when bad things were happening and she had the power to stop it. So she became Spider-Girl. High school student by day, superhero by night. It was weird, but it was her life now.

The one thing that she did love about being Spider-Girl, though, was the freedom it gave her. Swinging through the night sky was calming, when she wasn’t fighting bad guys. So often times, when something stressful happened, she’d find herself putting on her suit and slipping out of her bedroom window, ready to swing.

Tonight was one of those nights. What was supposed to be a peaceful dinner with her family had exploded into an argument, and it had all gotten too much for her to handle. Too many harsh words had been thrown her way, and the yelling had gotten too much for her already sensitive ears. So she’d slipped away to her bedroom and locked the door, knowing that nobody would notice she was gone.

It was a clear night, the stars and moon shining bright overhead as she swung from building to building, and she took her time moving around the city, enjoying the night air. Quiet nights were rare, but even the streets seemed to be calm, not near as many cars zooming past as usual. Landing on top of one of the many business buildings, Jiwoo took a deep breath and sat down, dangling her feet over the edge. Aside from the peach accents on her suit and hood, she almost blended into the blackness of the night, a dark figure peering down at life passing by below.

Sighing, she laid back and stared up at the night sky for a moment before closing her eyes. Life had been hard recently. A little nap wouldn’t hurt anything, not up here, anyway.

-

“Hey, you okay? You’ve been tired recently.”

Jiwoo had opened her eyes to Sooyoung, which was not great for her heart. Sooyoung, the school’s most popular (and most beautiful) cheerleader, had smiled when Jiwoo blinked at her, which was also not great for her heart. Although they’d been friends since middle school (not super close friends, but friends) Jiwoo had always been a little on edge around the other girl. She’d been gorgeous since, well, forever, Jiwoo guessed. So it was hard not to develop a crush. Jiwoo had fallen hard, but even though she was tentatively sure the other girl liked girls too, she’d never had the confidence to ask her out.

“Yeah,” Jiwoo had said, finding her words as she sat up and rubbed at her eyes, giving her friend a sheepish smile. “School’s just been stressful recently.” She couldn’t tell Sooyoung the truth: that she’d been chasing around a crazy criminal for a week and got beaten up by him before managing to finally deliver him to the police the night before.

“I get that. This biology homework makes me want to die,” Sooyoung had said, flipping her beautiful hair over her shoulder and letting out a sigh that sounded musical to Jiwoo’s ears. “But you have to get some sleep, Jiwoo! Otherwise that smart brain of yours is going to deteriorate. You remember what that guy in the Ted Talk said!”

She hadn’t. She’d pretended she did. “Yeah, I know. I’ll take a nap today, I promise.”

“You’d better.”

“Sooyoung!” Jinsoul, another girl on the cheer squad, had bounded up, taking Sooyoung’s arm in her own and smiling brightly. “Come on, Heejin said she’s going to take us all to lunch in her new car!”

“Oh, fun!” Sooyoung had turned to give Jiwoo a sheepish smile. “See you later, Jiwoo? Good luck with your homework!” And with a little wave, she’d disappeared, off to her other friends, leaving Jiwoo to sigh and put her head down again behind her.

“You probably should have decided on someone else to crush on,” Jungeun, her best friend, had said as she sat down beside her, earning her a shove from Jiwoo.

“Don’t remind me.” She had enough to think about without worrying about her love life too. Jungeun was the only one who understood that, and she’d nodded, lowering her voice.

“By the way, I fixed the rip on your suit. Be more careful when you go up against guys with knives next time.” Being best friends with someone who could sew and made costumes for the theater club had its perks. Like being able to have a super hero costume that didn’t suck. Jiwoo had given her best friend a thankful smile before she yawned.

“Thanks, dude. I owe you one.”

“Don’t mention it.”

-

It was her spider sense that woke her from her memories. She opened her eyes to the same night sky, with every nerve in her body on edge and her muscles tensed. Something was happening.

She was on her feet in seconds, eyes scanning the city underneath her. Where....

“Stop! No! Please, stop!”

It was a familiar voice, and Jiwoo snapped into action, jumping from the building and swinging towards the voice, where her senses were telling her to go: an alley between a pizza parlor and an apartment block, two blocks away. Twisting her body, she attached herself to the side of the pizza parlor and crawled around the side, peering into the darkness.

Three men surrounded a cowering girl against the wall, their faces concealed by hoods. She was crying, clutching her bag to her chest and shying away as the men laughed and grabbed at her arms. Two of them seemed to have knives, and the other a gun. He had to be taken out first.

“Hand it over, missy, and we won’t hurt you,” one of the men said, laughing.

“Much,” his partner added, making the girl whimper.

“Please stop, I don’t have anything,” she said, voice hitching with her sobs, and Jiwoo’s blood ran cold.

That was Sooyoung’s voice. Sooyoung was being mugged.

There was no more room for hesitation. Steeling her nerves, Jiwoo released the stingers that popped from her fingers like claws and jumped, attaching her web to the wall behind Sooyoung to guide her attack.

The stingers dug into the back of the gun-wielding man’s neck before she swung her body and kicked out, sending him flying through the alleyway and out into the street beyond. He lay there, paralyzed, but Jiwoo didn’t hesitate for a moment.

“Fuck, James! Who the hell-?” As soon as her feet hit the ground, one of the men swung at her with his knife as the other man turned to look at his friend. Her hand caught his wrist, and the other curled into a fist, hitting him hard in the face and making him stumble back. Her nerves spiked and she turned just in time to see the other man lunge at her, knife raised.

As he lunged forward, she jumped and flipped over him, putting one hand on his shoulder and digging in her stingers. He let out a yell and she turned mid-air, releasing her stingers and kicking him in the small of the back, sending him to land next to his friend in the street.

The other man stumbled to his face, groaning in pain, and she turned and reached out, releasing her webs. In a moment, he was stuck to the side of the alleyway, his mouth webbed over so that he couldn’t speak. He struggled against the webs as Jiwoo ran the end of the alley, where the other two men had landed. With two deft movements, she left them webbed to the entrance, with their weapons webbed to the wall above them, wrapped up nicely for the police.

Then she turned back to Sooyoung, who was staring with wide eyes, still cowering against the wall. Her heart jumped, but she cleared her throat, walking back to her and offering her a hand to help her up.

“You’re safe now, don’t worry.”

“Spider-Girl?” She sounded breathy, confused, and her face was still stained with tears, but she took Jiwoo’s hand and allowed her to help her up.

“That’s me. Are you okay?” Jiwoo took a moment to look over Sooyoung, using her night vision. Thankfully, it seemed like she’d gotten there just in time. She didn’t have a scratch on her.

“Yes, now. Thanks to you.” Her legs were shaking, but she gave her a smile. “I can’t thank you enough for saving me, Spider-Girl.”

Jiwoo could tell that the other girl was still scared. Of course she was, she’d just gone through a terrifying ordeal. If Jiwoo hadn’t gotten there... she didn’t even want to think about what could have happened. “You’re shivering. Would you like me to escort you home?”

“I-I don’t live very far. But....” She trailed off, looking down at her shaking legs before letting out a nervous laugh, still in shock. “Could you? Please? That is, if you have nothing else to do.”

“Of course I can.” Jiwoo smiled, even though she knew that the other girl couldn’t see it under her mask. “Would you like me to walk you, or would you like me to swing you home?” The words came out on their own, but Jiwoo found that she meant them.

Wiping at her eyes, Sooyoung considered. Jiwoo could see the gears working in her head. She was calming down, and if there was one thing that Jiwoo knew about Sooyoung, it was that she didn’t pass up opportunities when they were presented to her. “Um. What’s it like, to swing up there?”

“It’s freeing and calming,” she said truthfully, “at least for me. We don’t have to go too high, if you want.”

“If we can stay low, then I’d like to see what it’s like to swing.” She spoke slowly, but surely, and Jiwoo’s heartbeat sped up, butterflies jumping into her stomach. She was really going to be swinging her crush around the city. What was going on? Could she really do this?

“Okay.” She held out an arm. “Hold on tight, then.” It was weird, holding Sooyoung in her arms (or really, arm). She wasn’t afraid that Sooyoung would fall. She had a solid grip on her, and even if Sooyoung let go, Jiwoo’s arm would stay stuck to her until she decided it was best to let go. They were basically stuck together. Still, Sooyoung was gripping her with her arms around her shoulders and her legs around her waist, and Jiwoo had a hard time concentrating on her surroundings. Especially when she was laughing against Jiwoo’s neck, enjoying the ride. It felt... romantic. And kind of gross, considering it was spider powers that were sticking Sooyoung to her side. But Jiwoo tried not to think about that.

Thankfully, Sooyoung’s house wasn’t far away, although it was hard to pretend like she didn’t know which place was Sooyoung’s. Still, when she placed Sooyoung on the ground, she felt a sense of relief that it was over and she was the only one on the web, now hanging upside down, ready to go. Being that close to the most beautiful girl she knew hadn’t been easy.

“Thank you again,” Sooyoung said with a smile as she fixed her hair, tucking it behind her ears in a way that made Jiwoo’s stomach flip. “Can I... give you something? As thanks? Only if it’s okay, of course.”

There was a tension in the air, hanging heavy as Jiwoo slowly nodded her head. Time seemed to move in slow motion. Sooyoung reached her slender hands up to the bottom of her mask, and her breath caught in her throat, but she couldn’t do anything, powerless as the other girl slowly rolled up her mask.

But she didn’t take it off. She stopped halfway, placing her hands on the sides of Jiwoo’s face instead. Briefly, she paused, looking down at Jiwoo’s hidden eyes, as if asking permission. So Jiwoo nodded her head, and Sooyoung leaned in.

Kissing someone upside down was a new experience for Jiwoo. At first, it was a little awkward, the angle weird. But Sooyoung’s soft lips moved against hers as she tilted her head ever so slightly, and Jiwoo felt her eyes flutter closed, her heart pounding in her chest as she let the other girl kiss her gently.

It was when she felt the mask slipping that she opened her eyes, but her movement was slow, her body still stunned from what was happening. She didn’t catch it in time.

Sooyoung blinked at her as she moved away, and Jiwoo felt her face heating up as she grabbed the mask to keep it from falling off completely. Had it been anyone else, they might not have recognized her. But she couldn’t fool someone who had known her for years.

“Jiwoo?” Sooyoung’s voice was soft, and then her lips curved up into a smile. “I knew the voice of Spider-Girl sounded familiar.”

Still blushing deeply, Jiwoo swallowed. “P-please don’t tell anyone else?”

“I won’t, don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” She grinned. “So you’re a good kisser. I’ve always wondered.”

“Really? You think so?” Jiwoo glanced around, feeling flustered. “Um, sorry for not telling you who I was before you-.”

“It was my choice. I wanted to kiss you. Because Spider-Girl reminded me of Jiwoo.” Her words made Jiwoo stutter, eyes wide, not knowing how to react. Giggling, she leaned in to kiss Jiwoo’s cheek. “I’ve liked you for a long time, Jiwoo. This only makes me like you even more.”

“O-oh. You don’t think this is weird? Me having these powers?”

“Not at all. You’re my hero, how could I think you were weird?”

The night wind blew at her skin, cooling her down as she smiled, unable to contain her happiness. “I’ve liked you for a long time too, Sooyoung. I never thought you’d like me back.”

“Well, I do.”

“Yeah. Yeah, and that’s awesome.”

She laughed, tucking her hair behind her ears again. “You’re so awkward. It’s cute. Want to be my girlfriend?”

“I was just about to ask you the same thing!”

The sound of a car approaching startled them, and Jiwoo quickly pulled down her mask, hiding her face away from the world. After she watched it pass, she turned back to Sooyoung, whose cheeks were flushed, either from their conversation or from the cold. She had a large smile on her face, the one Jiwoo had only seen her have after winning games, or when she got a perfect score on a test. It made her heart flutter to see it.

“I’ve got to go inside. My parents are probably worried.”

“Oh, right. That’s true. You shouldn’t worry them any more.” Jiwoo moved to go, still flustered by the whole thing.

“But Jiwoo?”

She stopped, looking back at Sooyoung. “Yes?”

“Come to my room later? You know which window is mine, right?” Of course she did. “I’d like to thank you some more.”

Jiwoo was so glad that her mask was back on her face, because her face immediately began to burn. She wanted to squeal, but she held it in. “What time?”

“Give me thirty minutes.” Sooyoung winked and walked past her to the door, only to look back and smile. “Stay safe, Babe.”

Jiwoo grinned like an idiot as she attached a web to the top of the building. That mask was really coming in handy. “See you soon. Babe.”

The night air was cool atop the building, and she fell back against the building, finally letting out a squeal now that no one was around to hear her. Pressing her hands to her chest, she smiled up at the stars, lips still tingling from the kiss.

She was so glad she was Spider-Girl.

[millionfantasy]

Time with Toby (I): Meeting

The leaves crunching beneath her feet echoed throughout her ears. With a low sigh the woman brushes her stray light brown hairs out of her face mask and moves her hand to touch her short cutted hair. It helps having short hair for certain situations. 

Cracking her fingers she stops walking, “I know you’re there. Come out now. I am not in the mood for games of hide and seek.” she calls out in her thick English accent.

The sound of rustling in the tree above her was heard, then a low laugh. ‘Male.’ Emily thought to herself. 

“How did you know I was following you? I was being quiet,” a male voice questions. Emily believes he has a stutter or something of the sort, but she also heard some cracking of bones. Possibly. 

“You obviously were not quiet enough. Now come out,” she looks up and sees a figure in the tree. She raises an eyebrow, “You really do not want me to come after you.”

The male huffs, she could now see that his body sort of… ticked and twitched. That's what was making that cracking of bones sound.

“Oh now that sounds fun. I certainly have the time for a game of cat and mouse, though I’d rather be the cat…” he moves and actual features could now be made out.

He is wearing a face mask which is covering below his nose, similar in a way to the one worn by Hannibal Lecter along with a pair of orange steampunk-styled goggles.

“… and you can be my mouse,” the man looks down at her as he crouches on the tree branch holding onto a hatchet.

Emily took a deep breath and sighs pinching the bridge of her nose under her mask, “What the scampered fuck do you want?” she asks, moving her hand away from her face. 

“I have orders to kill anyone who steps foot in these woods,” he jumps out of the tree and attempts to kick the female in her stomach.

She saw this attack coming. Grabbing his foot with ease, she pushes him with it forcing him onto his back. She then turns around and walks away. 

The man got up unfazed and flung his hatchet at the female in front of him. 

There was a floosh sound then a thud. The hatchet lodging itself in the tree near Emily’s head. 

Her eye twitched under the mask she is wearing and her lip curled in vexation, ‘You have to be kidding me,’ she thinks to herself as she fixes the mask on her face. Turning to the laughing man she sends a glare that he can’t even see, “Who are you?” she asks as she crosses her arms, tapping her right foot and staring at the guy.

He smirks under the mask, “Names Toby, why do you want to know though?” he looks at her, eyes full of amusement, “You wanna know the name of your killer or something?” he asks smugly.  

Emily shakes her, “No, just wanted to know the name of the idiot who obviously wants to die, so it wouldn’t bother me later.” she shrugs. 

Toby stares at her tilting his head, “Uhm what?” he looks confused, “The guy that you killed? You mean me?” he points at his chest.

Emily wants to facepalm. She really does, but she restrains herself from doing so. Instead she simply gave him a single nod of her head.

“Ah, okay. Well this will be fun. More fun than I thought it would be to kill you,” he states before walking closer to his opponent, ready for her this time. He threw a quick jab at Emily’s face with a closed fist which Emily flawlessly dodges but his other fist dug itself into her side. 

‘Hard and heavy hitter, as well as quick,’ Emily made mental notes to herself so she could make better adjustments to her attacks on this man, ‘Toby’ she reminds herself of his name. She drives her right foot into Toby’s left side since his right fist was the one that had landed an actual hit, leaving his left side open for the taking in the process. Once her leg made contact with his body her left hand shot out and decked him clean in the right cheek.

Toby stumbled from the impact but otherwise was unperturbed, concerning Emily for a split second but she overall kept her composure standing her ground, weaving through Toby’s advances. She lands many good hits onto this man but he doesn’t even wince, this was troublesome. 

While dodging Toby’s attacks, Emily sends another fist into his face and receives a punch to her own, knocking her mask off.

Toby stopped moving and stared at Emily’s face, “Wait. You’re a female?!” he walked over placing his hand on her flat chest and gave it a squeeze. “Holy shit! Where are your boobs!”

Emily knocks him in the face once more kicking him away from her body. Her face feels a bit hot now but it does not stop her from focusing on her opponent, although at the moment he seems to be perplexed about his discovery. While he is busy getting his mind fucked Emily leans down and picks up her mask and places it back on her face. She really has to kill him fast now before he runs off to blab about her. So she reaches for her weapons on her back, two clock handled swords that strongly resemble the minute and hour hand of a clock, and hold onto them ready to end this guy’s life. 

Toby sees that she is equipped to end his existence and he runs to get his hatchet out of the tree. “Okay listen. I know I probably should not have said that… or uh… touch you,” he placed his hatchet into the latch on his hip,” So I’ll tell you what. I will let you walk away with your life if you could just tell me your name,” he pulled his mouth guard off showing his smirk and his decayed cheek making Emily grimace. 

She stays quiet though and stares at Toby. He no longer seems to want to fight her but she has no choice but to finish him off. She never leaves a witness. 

Stepping closer to Toby, Emily positions her weapons in a way to prepare herself to kill him quickly. Upon seeing this Toby sighs and backs up. “Don’t worry, mystery woman. I’ll find out your name,” he saluted to her, “Until then,” he then climbed back up into a tree. 

Irritated, Emily runs to the tree he climbed up on but let out a groan seeing that he was gone. She sighs and puts her weapons away making her way home. 

Weeks pass by and Emily is no longer worried about Toby in fact he’s been visiting her often and at first she had tried to kill him but he kind of grew on her. She is, however, annoyed that she allowed him into her life. 

At this second she’s sharpening her weapons and creating new ones for the hell of it. That was until she heard someone at her door. Getting up with a gun in hand she opened it up immediately pointing that gun at the person at the door. 

Kiwi holds her hands up. “Whoa, just me Miss Emily,” she pointed at a tree, “And Mister Tobias is here to see you again,” she walks inside after Emily allows her to then looks at the tree seeing Toby waving at her excitedly.

Emily rolls her eyes then looks at him then motions for Toby to come inside with a head nod. He walks over only tripping once this time and is holding poorly picked weeds, “These flowers are for you,” he smiles as he hands them over to her. 

Emily looks at them with a raised brow then hands them to Kiwi, “Put those in the trash bin please,” Emily told Kiwi and watches as her companion throws them away then she looks back at Toby, “Those were not flowers. They were weeds…” she looks at the rejected look on Toby’s face and feels bad, “But… Thank you for the thought I suppose,” she moves her body allowing Toby inside.

He looks at Emily and smiles again, “Oh sorry. I just thought they were pretty and they reminded me of you,” he shrugs and walks inside looking around, “You changed things up again. There are now more than one chair at your table,” he teases Emily and Kiwi laughs a bit at Toby’s observation but Emily doesn’t even crack a smile making Toby feel a bit awkward, “So uhm, Em… We’ve been talking to each other for a couple of weeks now and I was wondering if you would like to have a date or something here?” he asks her. 

Emily stares at him, “A date? As in you’re romantically interested in me,” it was indeed a question, but it sounds more like an accusation. It made her heart flutter for sure though and it made her feel something she has never felt before, an actual romantic connection between another person and it worries her. 

“Yes. I am romantically interested in you and I know you are romantically interested in me because who isn’t,” he smirked at her wiggling his split brow, “Now just say that you agree,” he looked slightly down at Emily folding his arms across his body waiting, “If I say no will you continue to bother me about this?” she asks him, crossing her own arms across her body.

“Yes. I will keep on asking until you agree to have a date with me,” he smiles at her this time, a sweet admittingly cute smile.

“Alright, just one bloody date and that is it,” she sighs and looks at Kiwi, “Can you leave for the rest of the day and night?” She actually asked, she didn't want to send Kiwi out if she didn’t have a place to go.

“Yeah, I had plans anyways,” she quickly said, she was excited that Emily and Toby were finally going to have a date. She has been wanting them to be a couple since she saw the two of them together. With that, Kiwi walks out the house and leaves. 

Toby looks at Emily, “So I’ll make dinner for us,” he walks into the kitchen and looks around but Emily stops him.“No, I will be cooking. You nearly burned my house down the last time you were in my kitchen. Now go sit down at the table and wait,” she ordered Toby and he swiftly sat at the table listening to Emily’s command. 

As Emily cooks she thinks about herself with Toby and she smiles to herself. She may seem like she hates being around this person, but she actually really enjoys Tobias’ company and she wants to keep him around. He brings a type of excitement and a really good feeling to her heart and stomach that she’s never had before and she loved it. She also loved being an asshole to him too. His reactions were always different and the way that his twitches and tics made him talk was honestly cute to her and she liked it. So at this second she decides to entertain this date idea for him, for now.

[maluminspace]

Basically my myki wouldn’t tap off on the bus ride and the bus driver tried to help me (she was gorgeous, had the THICCEST Maori accent, and was just, the most kiwi KIWI I had ever met) but that didn’t work so she said sorry and all that 1/?

I got off and tried to pass through the train station, but again, I couldn’t tap on. The bus driver had followed me in bc it was her break or smth and she kept apologising in broken English and I told her it wasn’t her fault, that I would get it checked and everything would be fine!! So I go up to the train station helper people behind the glass and tell them what’s going on. Internally, I am PANICKING what the fuck will my parents say?? How sketchy does it sound that someday just 2/?

out of the blue my myki stops working and I get to school late or smth, but I keep it together so the bus driver doesn’t feel bad. And I tell them I have a half yearly myki pass and it should just work, blah blah blah. They go through the files they have on me (bc they need to have info on me to make the passes) and find that yes in fact it is my own pass and that nothing should have happened. While they’re doing some searching, I call my dad because if I came home and told him 3/? 

would seem even more sketchy. He’s like...uh okay but I gotta go shower rn. Call ur mum. I was like okay at least he’s not mad, so while I’m waiting for my myki to get checked, I get a call from my mum asking what happened, and I tell her everything. By now, I’ve missed my 7:06am train that I had to wake up at 5:50 to catch!! I’m like okay I’ll just catch the 7:13, but then mum asks me to let her talk to the train person I’m like wtf no why and she’s like bc!! I don’t want u to lie 4/? 

DEADASS Mum makes me give him my phone so he can talk to her and make sure I’m not lying. That wastes 4 precious minutes, and by the time I get to my platform, the train was pulling out. I instead caught the 7:20 train, and found that I hadn’t charged my AirPods last night and had no music to listen to on the train. Now I was in a bad mood, bc the panic still hadn’t worn off from having to be kate and my dad thinking I’m lying, so I’m like “fuck this I’m not going to the school bbq” 5/? 

she didn’t respond until recess but that got me in a full blown convo which was !!! Very fun and then!! She responded to a comment I left on her insta post and she said she loved me!!!! 6/? 

UGH I was soaring!!! She responded to my text at recess and I laughed it off and said it worked out anyway, and had a solid convo going with her throughout the whole day. EVEN BETTER bc my AirPods were dead, I couldn’t listen to anything on the way home, and instead helped a Vietnamese lady with directions on the train, who had a THRILLING convo going with me the whole ride, she told me she was proud of me for getting into macrob!!! Smth some ppl in my life have yet to do smh 7/? 

Omgggg Thank you for sending through the ones that didn't come through the first time. I just the whole thing in order.

What a day you had my sweet! Does your MyKi thing work now? Did they find out what the issue was?

Also why would your parents think you’d lie? 😞

Ahhhh your crush said she loved you omg I would have died if that had happened to me back in School as well hahaha! 😅

I’m so glad that you had a whole conversation with her and I hope yu weren’t too late for school! 🥰

Also the lady on the train sounds lovely and I am proud of you too! 🥺

And the bus driver sounds hottttttttt! 😍

[softevan]

We’re Not Who We Used To Be (SOFT Mini Series)

A/N: So I have decided to make a series of scenarios based on specific lyrics from Harry’s songs which I’m so excited about because i’ve been writing all day. Some of them will be smutty, some wont, but ill put the warnings before hand. I want to thank a lot of you who have been supporting of me and my writing. If you have any lyrics requests please don’t hesitate to let me know. But I really hope you like this one, enjoy! -K

Warnings: N/A

Word Count: 4K

Pairing: Y/N and Harry

Y/N’S POV

This week is the ARIA awards in Australia and Harry has been scheduled to perform. Because he has been on tour and constantly traveling I just think that he needs a few days off instead of going to an awards show. His manager Tommy had insisted on him declining the invitation to the show and have a non hectic couple of days, especially to spend time with me. But of course Harry being Harry he didn’t want to let anyone down and he decided that he wanted to go.

Harry always wanted me to come with him on tour, which is something I would be so happy to do. But my job is always my main priority. Through out our relationship, we had seen that we had been focusing too much on our carers, and neglecting our relationship. With both of our singing carers it was hard. But now with my tour over I’ve decided to take some time off to be with Harry and actually try to be here for him. Its his very first tour with just him and his band and of course he needed me to be there with him. Its not easy being on the stage by yourself, its very intimidating to say the least. But with me travelling with Harry I get to see and experience new things with him, and write new songs along the way. Knowing that Harry feels more at home with me being here for him, and knowing that I give him comfort when he sees me standing at the side singing along to his songs means everything to me. It just makes my heart swell at the thought.

“Babe, its either going to be the Gucci or the Alexander McQueen outfit, just pick one?” Harry came out of the hotels wardrobe with both his hands filled with these unusual coloured suits, with a puzzled look on his face, scrunched eyebrows waiting for my reply. “H you always go for Gucci so wear something different” I looked up at Harry, dragging my concentration from my novel in my hands to him then back to my book. “Okay sold” His cheeky grin spread across his face and put down the suits of the side of the bed, then making his way over to me. “Babe?” His hands sprung up to my book and pulled it away so my attention was on him. “H” I looked up and his face which still had the cheekiest grin on it. “Do you wanna grab something to eat?” “Yeah sure, I actually am quite hungry” “Okay cool” He knelt over me to grab the hotel phone to order in. I yanked the phone out of his hand and put it back to the server. “Do you not want anything?” The confusion setting into his face, I grabbed his chin to pull the smile back and I pushed my fingers into his dimples which I know he loved. “How about we go downstairs to the restaurant and eat? We can look cute and go out for a romantic meal?” “Sweetie I am so washed I cant be bothered going anywhere tonight” He pulled himself onto the side of the bed beside me with a sigh leaving his lips. “Harry its just for an hour or so, we haven’t had dinner together in a while” I looked back around at his face, still with a awkward look to it. “We had dinner yesterday” “Yeah, a salad in the dressing room” I sighed and pushed my body to lay on his chest with my arms wrapped around his waist facing him. “Im sorry it was just a thought, I know your really tired” “Im sorry baby ill make It up to you, when I have a day off we can do whatever you want, I promise” He pulled my forearms up so he could kiss me ever so gently on the lips then across my cheeks to my temples. “So do you want Chinese takeout or Indian?”

The next morning was the rehearsal for the awards show which was tonight, and as usual the preparation is crazy. People running around grabbing the lights, seating arrangements, the routine of the awards, scheduled performances, and of course the celebrities that are there to rehearse. I sat in one of the seats in the audience waiting for to watch Harry’s sound check for tonight when I seen him walking out with six people running after him. He immediately was looking for me in the room and his eyes landed straight on me. I gave a wave and made my way to the front of the stage where the cameras sit. “Hey baby girl” He crouched down kissing me and sat back up. “Hey H, you excited for tonight?” “Yeah I am, ill be fine once the performance is over and I get to sit beside you” I could feel my cheeks burning as if the lights were glaring down heat onto my skin. “I love the way I can still make you blush” “Shut up Harry and get up there” I giggled as I swatted at his shoe giving a smile his way. “Your going to be here right?” “Where else would I be?” He kissed my hand and got up to the band to organise the performance for tonight. “Y/N” I heard a shout from the left of me. I turn around and see Ella, or as most people know her, Lorde, came running to me and greeted me with a hug. “Oh my gosh hey girl no time no see” I screamed when we hugged for more than too long, but not seeing her for ages it made up for lost time. Me and Ella were really good friends when we first got into the industry. We are both signed on the same label and we kind of grew together. But over time obviously with our different lives and fame we kind of grew apart, but of course we still are good friends. “Congrats on the big tour chick” “Aw thank you, I’m just glad that I now have time to see and spend time with Harry, he’s having so much fun and I’m so happy to see him happy” I giggled at her. Her face didn’t rocipacate. “Are you happy though?” “Of course I am why wouldn’t I be?” She pulled her arm out, initiating to take a seat beside her. “Look Y/N I know when your not happy about something, is it Harry?” “No no its not Harry at all” “Then what is it?” I took a deep breath, and just let it out to her. “I don’t know, I just feel like recently we haven’t been as close as what we were before he released his music. Dont get me wrong we are still close, but I mean, I hate to say this, but- I kinda feel like we are growing apart a little” She looked down at my hands that were clawing down my jeans, which might as well have holes in them at this point. “If that’s the way you feel then maybe you should talk to him about it” “Yeah” I look over to Harry that was talking to one of the guitar players in the band, showing him the certain chords on the guitar he wanted played. Looking at him I know I couldn’t do it to him, not here and not when the whole tour is happening. It was crush him. “No, I cant bring it up now, its just, theres too much going on right now” “Well, I do think you need to talk eventually” My gaze went straight back to Lorde, which she had a sympathetic smile to it. She does have a point, but right now, it needs to be shot to the back of my head. My main concern right now s supporting Harry tonight. The chords from Kiwi came on and my full attention went straight to him with the music going straight through my body.

A few hours later I was finally finished hair and makeup when I hear him coming into the room with a few other people talking about the show tonight. I looked at Lou that was telling me a story about Lux and how she has started to take an interest in makeup. “And I said to her no yeh cant use nail polish for eyeshadow, I nearly had a heart attack then” Her accent strong like Harry’s always made me feel more comforted, I’m not sure why. Was probably the accent, which is stupid, but its always the small things for me. “Baby you look beautiful” Harry came over with food in hand and pushed a kiss to my head while Lou was still trying to perfect it. “Harold get away, glam squad here, no boys aloud innit” My face srunched up with laughter seeing Harry’s reaction. “Fine Im leaving, in a huff” He flicked his imaginary hair and walked off to the door. “As long as your huffs over in an hour to come back so I can do your hair you can huff to your hearts content pet” The laughter coming out of me was nearly the worst laugh in history, but the way they get along just makes you want to piss your pants. “You guys are so funny together Lou” “I mean its a pure comical show so yeh cant really get it anywhere else can yeh?” We both giggled and I got up to make my way into get changed.

When we were close to the red carpet of the ARIA’s I start to see Harry tense up a litte beside me, which made my hand glide up his thigh. “Hey youll be fine” “I know love, just not a huge fan of the red carpet bit” “I know, that’s what I’m here for, remember?” My eyes looked up into his nervous ones, reading him is so easy, you just know what he is feeling just by looking at him. “Just keep your eyes on me, right?” “Right” I felt a small kiss to my cheek as I looked back to the window of the car. I sometimes think to myself how can I make him feel better, he should be used to this kind of stuff. He has been doing it longer than what I have been. But then again everyone doesn’t like any of their job do they?

The night went smoothly, no humps or hiccups with the whole night. His performance was outstanding as normal, and on top of that he won best international artist which is amazing. He never gives himself credit for what he has done and want he can do. But then again when I think of myself being an artist I never think that I’m perfect. “I’m so glad to be home, well, back to the hotel I guess” He chuckled as I went to set my bag down on the kitchen table and he look off his blazer. “Babe I have to say, if that skirt was any shorter, I could of easily slipped inside of you when you were sitting on my lap after the show, fuck you looked so hot tonight” His hands automatically went straight to the back of my thighs and rubbed there way up underneath my skirt, clutching my bum. I quickly turned around so his hands couldn’t get where they wanted to. I knew where this was going. “Oh so you want to do it now?” His breathes got deeper as his eyes trailed around my body, eyeing me up like a piece of candy. “Of course, love, I just wanna bend you over this table” His ring covered hands found their spot again straight to my bum, clutching it in his palms, giving me a good squeeze. “Baby you torture me” His eyes reverted back to mine, trying to read me. I wasn’t really feeling the whole atmosphere. Since I talked to Lorde it really got me thinking about us and this whole ‘problem’ if that’s what I even wanna call it. I need to bring this up now before its too late. “Harry, every time I wanna have sex you say your too tired, now you want to?” “Well, yeah, why wouldn’t I?” His eyes gave out confusion that set to my lips then back to my eyes. “Look Harry, I really need to talk to you” I pulled his hands away from my bum and pushed him away to I could look at him properly. “Y/N, are you okay love?” He leaned on the chair that was sitting in front of him, waiting for me to make a coherent sentence that didn’t seem too stupid. How can I even start this conversation. “Harry, I feel like recently, this between us, well, they aren’t the way they used to be before” His face grew puzzled at my statement, never taking his eyes off of me. “I feel like somethings not right here, with us, is there something wrong with us?” “Of course there isn’t baby girl, I mean all couples kinda go through this I guess, but there is nothing wrong with us” He started to make his way back to me and I pulled myself back to the same distance that we were in before. I didn’t want him thinking that this conversation was over when it was just getting started. I didn’t want to brush off this conversation for the sake of not getting into a fight. I hate confrontation but this just needs to be said to him. “Harry I’m not happy. Im not happy that the fact that when I bring up something to do or something that I want to do that you always brush it off to the side and not make it a big deal. Like the few times that ive asked you to come with me and have a romantic meal or go for a walk, or even just to get coffee and spend some alone time together before you have a show. Look I know that you have the tour and I know that it can be stressful. But I’m here too, I know that I’m here for you to support you but I’m here, I need some Harry time to myself, and not with other people around shouting at you one million things.” His face just sat there, emotionless. He had no vibes coming from him, which is never a good thing when it comes to Harry. Not being able to ready him makes me think did I do the right thing and even bring this up?

“We do have alone time, when I come home from a show and we cuddle in bed with a dvd” “Harry that’s not spending time with someone, that’s just laying down before bed. We aren’t talking, we are just laying there until we fall asleep. That’s not being with each other” “Well in my eyes that counts for something” “Well in my eyes it doesn’t” The air in the room gets thicker and the tension starts to rise. “I feel like your not trying anymore H. I gave up my whole life to be here with you when I could have been at home right now” “Oh please, don’t give me this guilt bullshit” “I could have been writing songs for another album, and gee I don’t know, spending time with my family?” “So to get your own way in this fight you want to make me feel bad about you coming out here with me and throwing that back in my face?” “Oh so now its an arugment?” “Did you really think that this was going to be a good and smooth conversation Y/N?” His voice raised to a scary tone as he started to walk across to the other side of the kitchen. “I don’t know what you want me to do Y/N, just say to everyone ‘hey I wanna spend time with my girlfriend so I’m going to cancel a few shows here and there. Its not like that you know, I cant just take time off when I want it. This is my job. I am exhausted” “Harry I’m not asking you to give up tour dates for me, I’m asking you to make an hour just for us. Im not asking for a whole day. Even just a dinner, or something. But your not even trying, I feel like I’m the one that’s only trying here” I walked to the side of the sofa and sat down on it, looking down at my hands as the tears streamed down my face. “I feel as if you don’t love me anymore Harry” “What the fuck kind of statement is that? If I didn’t love you anymore, I wouldn’t care where you would go, I wouldn’t care if you were here or not, I wouldn’t give two fucks about you” My blood started to boil again and I got up to face his red complextion. “If you even fucking cared about me and our relationship we shouldn’t be even having this conversation. Im only asking for one fucking hour of your time, to actually spend time with your 4 year long girlfriend. Thats not a lot I’m asking here since your the one that’s asking for my full 24 hour time. You asked me to come with you not me” “And you said yes, you didn’t have to say yes, you could have easily said that you wanted to spend time with your family because I would have understood” “No Harry I wanted to come with you because I thought that it would have been an experience that I wouldn’t ever want to forget, to be with my boyfriend and to travel the world and see things that I didn’t see when I was alone” A small silence stilled as we took in what was said in the space of ten minutes. “I was thinking of the things that we could have been doing, as a couple. Making our relationship stronger” His face never left the ground, with his hands clasped around the sides of the marble designed island made me see that this was getting to him. I never thought that this conversation would have gotten this far. But it goes to show that he really didn’t think about it. I walked up to him and stood right in front of him and forced him to look at me. “How many times did you come out to see me when I was touring and you were away making your album?” “Dont pull this bullsh-“ “How many times did you come out to see me when I was touring and you were away making your album?” I repeated with a more stern tone to it. I needed to get him to see what was really going on, but it still wasn’t clicking. “Once” He mumbled with his face hung to the ground; keeping his face away from mine. “How many times?” I asked him to repeated it. “Once” His voice raised as he looked up at me. “Yeah, once out of 32 shows. That just proves my point, I’m done with this conversation” I started to walk away from him and he grabbed my arm with great force to stop me in my tracks. “Dont just walk away from this when you think your done, its not done here” “Right okay, lets keep fighting the same fight. If that’s what will get you to see it then please ill be happy to” I pulled my arms away from his grasp and folded my arms looking directly at him. “Y/N, if you really think that I don’t care, and brought you out here to waste your time, or just use you for comfort from home, then maybe you should leave and go home. Because to the quite honest with you, this attitude, is really getting on my last nerve” The attitude that was streaming from his body language was something I never thought I would see coming from him. He started to walk away into the kitchen when of course I followed him, with a lot more coming into mind. I wanted to make sure I didn’t forget anything that I had planned to say in my head. “I try so much for you Harry and your the one that throws it in my face. You really think that I’m giving you attitude? Yeah actually, maybe I am, because its the only way to get it through your thick skull that is whole thing is ruining our relationship” “Eh no actually Y/N because this whole relationship was fine until tonight” “You thought that it was a fine relationship” Once again a silence broke through the room waiting for someone to say something. I knew if I needed to explain more to him about us then it wasn’t even worth trying anymore. “Harry I shouldn’t have to explain to you if I’m happy. You should know that. You cant be this great guy int he public eye and then be a complete dick behind closed doors. Your either one person or the other, which is it? I fell in love with the nice charming guy that would do anything to be with me, and treat me with respect and treat me like no other guy would treat me. But that guy isn’t there anymore. I cant wait for him” I couldn’t keep my tears back looking at him. I was standing there pouring my heart out to him and he just stood there, facing me, watching me, looking right through me. Maybe I’m starting to break him. “I love you Harry. Not the guy that’s standing in front of me right now, but the guy that I met 4 years ago” I started to walk into the bedroom across the hall and slammed the door shut behind me. Thats when I broke, so hard. I held it in for so long trying to be strong to get everything out, and now that its out in the open, I kinda feel glad that I said it, but also regret it. Im thinking back to an hour ago and just thinking I should have just had sex with him and it would have been a good night. But it would ave just been me prolonging the enevitable.

Once I calmed myself down I decided to get myself back to our house in London to give us some space because at this point I think that’s all we need. I made sure that all of my stuff from travelling around was in my suitcase and zipped it up. I looked around the room and to Harry’s suitcase. Just knowing that I cant look for one of his graphic t shirts to wear to bed just made my heart break, but I know that doing this will help make him see that I’m serious about this.

I made my way down the halls trailing my suitcases at hand with the phone to my ear talking to the driver, and I seen Harry sitting on the sofa looking straight my direction. “Okay thank you, ill see you in 5” I hung up the phone and tried to ignore the fact that Harry was sitting watching me as I made my way to the door. “Y/N” He jumped up off of the sofa and hit his hand off of the door so I couldn’t open it. “Why are you doing this, why are you leaving?” “If you cant see that this is our main problem, I cant help you. We both need time to think about this” I grab the door handle and harry pulled it away. “Need time to think about what? Y/N we can talk about this and we can figure this out” His eyes began to fill up with tears. “Harry I cant sit here and pretend that everything’s okay when its not. I cant do this relationship if its one sided, its either we work 50/50 or I’m done” I pulled his hand away from the door handle and walked out the door with my suitcases. As I walk down the hallway I hear the faint noises of a scream and a loud smash coming from our room; hearing what this is doing to him just is breaking me into two, making me think that is this the right thing I’m doing. But what is breaking my heart each time I took a step, he wasn’t chasing me.

[hextual]

Podcast Recs

The following recs/summaries may contain light-to-moderate spoilers, though I try to keep things vague and rot13 the more specific stuff! Here is an abbreviated spoiler-free rec list, for the sensitive among you.

Night Vale Presents

The three non-WTNV shows have all finished their first seasons (and Alice Isn't Dead just started its second). They're relatively short and contain complete story arcs. 

WTNV: The ur-podcast, the light horror fiction narrative that kicked off the trend. Y'all know it or you don't. If you've somehow never heard it and don't want to start from the pilot, I recommend trying Episode 13; it's a stand-alone episode in a slightly different format than the rest, but it gives a good sense of WTNV's general aesthetic. Also it's just really really good.

Alice Isn't Dead: A surrealist horror roadtrip about a trucker searching for her wife Alice, who isn't dead. She's got nothing to lose and a lot of dangerous road to cover.

Orbiting Human Circus: Bizarre and magical and a little bit heartbreaking, like all good circuses should be. Julian is the janitor of a heavily fictionalized Eiffel Tower, and he desperately wants to be part of the Orbiting Human Circus show that he cleans up after every night.

Within the Wires: Dystopian sci-fi 1980s AU, told through a series of 'relaxation' cassettes. More grounded in reality than the others, though that's not saying much. The medium is also foregrounded much more in the narrative.

Hiatus

Wolf 359: SUPER dark, though you wouldn't know it from the first dozen episodes. However, the inflicting-trauma to coping-with-trauma ratio is low enough that I listened to the whole thing and will almost definitely listen to Season 4 when it's released starting this June. Also, no queerness whatsoever (making it unique on this list).  

Eos 10: Spaceship sitcom. Less artistically ambitious than most of the others on this list, which is not necessarily a point against it. 

Airing

The Strange Case of Starship Iris: Newer sci-fi podcast that I absolutely love; it ticks all my very specific boxes (including medium-as-message) and is also just really well constructed and executed. I adore every single one of the main characters. There are only 4 episodes but I'm so hyped about it. 

The Bright Sessions: Audio files from a therapist to teens and young adults with superpowers. Everything I ever wanted X-Men to be: light on the fight scenes/explosions, heavy on exploring what it means to have superhuman powers and how that might affect your life/relationships.

The Penumbra Podcast: Cyberpunk noir pastiche that sometimes gets a little too broad for me but is generally good fun of the Thrilling Tales! variety.

Ars Paradoxica: Time travel in one of its more complex interpretations. Paradox is a major plot element. Kind of sci-fi historical fiction?

Now for the more detailed writeups, including overviews of queerness and genre. As I said before, potential spoilers are rot13′d...but Here There Be Dragons etc.

Night Vale Presents

All of these are incredibly solid shows with an otherworldly feel to them that I love, despite being otherwise quite different.

All main characters are queer; WTNV has queer side characters (including nonbinary characters), but afaik the only other explicitly queer characters in AID/ORC/WTW are love interests of the MCs. That's pretty understandable, though, given that the casts of the three non-WTNV shows are exponentially smaller, and they've aired significantly fewer episodes.

I want to mention something in a totally value-neutral way: none of the shows feature homophobia or directly discuss queerness (lowkey exception for one episode of WTNV). I actually enjoy that, personally; it's usually very restful to spend time in worlds where queerness is normalized and unremarkable. Occasionally, however, I do want a slightly more direct approach, so I wanted to make a note in case you're in that kind of mood. 

Welcome to Night Vale The first and only podcast I listened to for about a year. Honestly, do I even need to say anything about WTNV?  I do want to mention that I think it's gotten a little bogged down in continuity over the last year. AFAIK it wasn't conceived as a long-running narrative arc, and a lot of its early charm came from the total lack of context. After Year 2, I feel like it did start spending a little too much time explaining things and filling out backstory for elements that, frankly, didn't need them. YMMV ofc, and I still listen to/enjoy every new episode, but I'm not madly in love with Year 3 the way I was with Year 1-2. Queerness: Queer af! The main character gets a full same-sex romance arc; V'q pnyy vg 'unccl-raqvat' ohg vg'f fgvyy batbvat nf n ybivat naq urnygul eryngvbafuvc, juvpu vf rira orggre. Multiple side characters are queer, including a few nonbinary characters who use they/them pronouns.  Genre: tucking into a short stack at 2am in a diner in the American Southwest, slowly realizing that the woman behind the counter called you by name even though you've never been here before, and also you can't quite remember how you got here in the first place. Alice Isn't Dead Beautiful, creepy, and acted by the brilliant Jasika Nicole. I'd place this more firmly in the horror genre than the others, so if you're sensitive to that kind of thing, take note; there's some suspense and a little bit of violence. That said, I am usually MASSIVELY sensitive and can't even watch trailers for horror movies (I have made my peace with never ever seeing Get Out), and I was perfectly fine with it. Queerness: The main character is a woman married to Alice, who isn't dead. It's like the opposite of the Bury Your Gays trope. Genre: driving along a nameless interstate late at night, the world around you narrowed to the section of road thrown into sharp relief by your headlights, and the occasional glint of animal eyes. The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air ORC is the most fanciful of the Night Vale family. The other shows seem like they take place in realities just a shade off from ours, but ORC completely throws any pretense of realism out the window. There's no real sense of a world outside the Circus, and why should there be? The Orbiting Human Circus of the Air has an infinitude of fantastical delights: singing saws, a bird that can mimic (almost) a full orchestra, tap-dancing mice. There's no trick or sleight of hand involved, not even a dusty tome of magic spells. ORC simply presents a world in which these wonders exist in hidden corners. The story is sometimes melancholy, and there are regular hints of a deep sadness underneath the surface, but the main character is defined by his determination and...well, 'optimism' would be too strong a word, but he has an unyielding sense of hope. He doesn't actually think things will turn out well for him (and he's so often right about that), but he clings to the hope that this time, maybe it might. Queerness: Gur znva punenpgre nyyhqrf gb na rk-oblsevraq bapr. This is one of the lighter touches of queerness in the Night Vale family. Genre: peering through a dusty velvet curtain just offstage, while brightly-costumed creatures dance to a tune you haven't heard since you were a child. Within the Wires While all Night Vale Presents shows have some kind of narrative conceit framing the audio medium (community radio station, trucker radio transmissions, broadcast wish fulfillment), those tend to be vehicles for the story and stylistic flourishes, rather than core elements of the story itself. WtW is presented as audio cassettes on full-body relaxation, and the cassettes themselves become key actors. This is not a story that could be told in any other medium, which personally I freaking love. This is also a more sci-fi show than the others, despite being set in AU 1980s, and more blatantly dystopic. The world-building's a little more evident, which is neither a good thing nor a bad thing; I think it's a side effect of being more sci-fi than fantasy. Everything feels like it has an explanation, even if the explanation is not provided, and it all fits together smoothly. Also: the narrator has a mild kiwi accent, which I find incredibly soothing. Queerness: Yep. Gur znva punenpgre unf n pbzcyvpngrq ohg qrpvqrqyl abg cyngbavp (s/s) eryngvbafuvc jvgu gur jbzna gur gncrf ner vagraqrq sbe.  Genre: lying quietly in a sensory isolation tank until you inexplicably start crying for the first time in years.

On hiatus

Wolf 359 So, there are a couple voice actors in Wolf 359 that don't do a whole lot for me, performance-wise. I don't want to get more specific because YMMV and I'm also just a really picky audio consumer, but there you have it. Mostly it's not an issue, though. This is also one of the darker shows I listen to, although it starts out with more of a zany sitcom vibe. There's a fair amount of murder, murder attempts, and general people-being-horrible-in-ways-they-believe-to-be-justified. It's not something I think I could sit through again, but it is a captivating story told well. There's a lot of focus on the emotional arcs and characters dealing with trauma, which I am All About in sci-fi. 

Queerness: zero. Zip. Zilch. It doesn't feature any romance arcs at all, though, so...I found it tolerable. Honestly, if it hadn't come so highly recommended, I probably would not have given it a shot. Genre: placing your hand on a rusty, unmarked door that wasn't in the ship schematics, and knowing you must step through—you must step through. Eos 10 After my first pass at this write-up, I realized that I was being really negative—far more negative than this show deserves. So I want to be clear: I listened to and enjoyed every extant episode of Eos 10, and I'm looking forward to Season 3, whenever it's released. It's a pleasantly entertaining space sitcom and I've gotten attached to the characters; the writing's solid and the voice acting is generally pretty great. It's just not quite tailored to my specific tastes. Ok, back to what I originally wrote: This podcast feels a lot more mainstream/conventional in its tropes than the others. Unlike most of the podcasts I listen to, the medium is invisible to the characters: it's not pitched as a radio show or a voice recorder or a series of motivational tapes. To me, this adds another layer of remove between the audience and the story. It's fine, it's just very straightforward in its presentation, with no medium-specific conceit or anything. It’s not really outsider art in any sense, and could legitimately be a TV show if it had the budget. That's a pretty good description of the show as a whole, honestly. It makes no pretense at being high-concept, it just does what it does. Queerness: This one...is not very queer. One of the side characters is gay but it doesn't really come up a lot. There's also a gay minor character that gets mentioned but never appears, and it's kind of a running gag that the gay character has a thing for the main character, who insists he's straight. It's a gross trope and I kind of winced at it, but it's usually framed by other characters as "are you sure you're not interested, because [gay character] is way out of your league and you're really not going to do better," which mitigates it somewhat for me? Also, gurer ner uvagf gung gur znva punenpgre zvtug npghnyyl or vagrerfgrq va gur tnl punenpgre, but only time will tell whether it's queerbaiting or not. Look, it's not an ideal situation. If it’s a dealbreaker, I totally understand, especially since there's no clear answer to the "is this queerbaiting" question and due to some unfortunate creator health issues, we might not get one for a while. Genre: ducking out of the way as a harried-looking man in a lab coat and stethoscope pelts down the hallway, yelling "GET ME FIVE UNITS OF ALIEN SEX POLLEN, STAT!"

Airing

The Strange Case of Starship Iris

I love this show a disproportionate amount, given that only four episodes have aired. This is a newer podcast, and one I stumbled on completely by accident! I wasn't expecting much, but it was sci-fi and the main character's last name was Liu, so I decided to give it a shot. And then it turned out to be not only awesome but also totally queer! I think I actually said "HAH! YES!" out loud when the queerness was canonized within the first few minutes. (This is why I live alone.) Plus, this is a small thing from a throwaway line, but...the main character weighs roughly the same amount as I do. Do you know how often that happens with Asian characters? Never, is how often. For possibly the first time in my life, I feel like I can legitimately headcanon a main character who looks exactly like me. I'm definitely going to do some incredibly self-indulgent fanart at some point. Unprecedented overidentifying with the main character aside: honestly, it's like this podcast was tailor-made for me. MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 1 (and kind of 2): Vafrpher ovbybtvfg wbvaf ent-gnt perj bs fzhttyref jvgu n sbhaq-snzvyl ivor naq nyvra phygheny pynfurf, nyy senzrq va n fvavfgre zrgnaneengvir gung hfrf gur zrqvhz nf n cybg qrivpr, CYHF cbgragvny ebznapr orgjrra na Rnfg Nfvna jbzna naq n Fbhgu Nfvna jbzna? Um, sign me the fuck up.  The only downside is that this has definitely raised my expectations for new podcasts by an unreasonable amount. Every new podcast I've tried since Starship Iris has been vaguely disappointing. My podcast standards are way too high now, and it's all Starship Iris's fault.

Queerness: YES. The main character is a queer woman, there's a nonbinary alien species and the alien crew member uses they/them pronouns, and there's a trans guy. Also, this is wild speculation, but V guvax/oryvrir/ubcr gung bar bs gur bgure srznyr perj zrzoref vf orvat frg hc nf n ebznagvp vagrerfg sbe gur znva punenpgre. There's some explicit discussion of gender identity in a non-traumatic way which tbh is like water in the freaking desert.

Genre: ??? it's too new and I love it too much to assign it a genre. 

The Bright Sessions

As I said in the spoiler-free summary: this is everything I wanted X-Men to be. Hell, it's everything I ever want superhero stories to be, and it's why I've been drawn to superhero stories since I was a teenager. The Bright Sessions deals with the complex consequences of, e.g., having empathy powers as a teenager while learning how to manage your own emotions and maturity. The main character is Dr. Bright, a therapist specializing in people with superpowers, which naturally provides the perfect angle for those people to get really navel-gazey about their lives. There is an actual overarching plot with a shadowy government agency, of course, but that's definitely not what I'm here for and luckily that’s clearly just a vehicle for the feelings.

Queerness: One of the main characters has a m/m romance arc; another main character is asexual; a side character (who may soon be considered a main character?) is bisexual. Because the conceit is therapy sessions, Dr. Bright does inquire delicately about how her patients may or may not be coping with emerging/existing queer identities, but none of them find it traumatic.

Genre: telekinetically fiddling with a desk puzzle limned in afternoon sun, as the doctor asks: "And how does that make you feel?"

The Penumbra Podcast

I'd had the Penumbra Podcast on my radar/subscriptions list for a while, but I'd never quite finished the first episode...until the remastered/rewritten first story was released. The difference is astronomical. The creators talk about audio quality etc. in their reasoning for recreating the first story, but for me, the main distinction is the skill in storytelling and the confidence to create noir without relying on questionable tropes to signal "hard-boiled!!!" I sometimes think the writing and characterizations are a little broad, but that may be down to genre. Penumbra doesn't really go for 'subtle' or 'realistic.' An important format note: there's a main character with episodic adventures, but in between the two-part adventures, there are one-shots in various genres. I actually skipped most of the one-shots because I'm not great with horror or kid stories.

Queerness: The main character of the main story is queer (jvgu na qryvtugshyyl rzbgvbanyyl pbafgvcngrq z/z ebznapr nep gung'f abg va n terng cynpr evtug abj), as are numerous side characters. It's a noir pastiche, though, so the main character is pretty self-sabotaging in all areas of his life; a 'happy ending' doesn't seem incredibly likely. One of the stand-alone stories is a queer Western, which I found delightful. It's also one of the few stand-alone stories that has a bonus follow-up episode.

Genre: taking a long, slow drag on a cigarette as the rain blurs the neon lights and filth of the alien city below.

Ars Paradoxica

Ars Paradoxica shares a producer with The Bright Sessions, which is why I tried it! Like all decent time travel stories, Ars Paradoxica is meticulously planned with a lot of moving parts. The worldbuilding is intense and requires actually paying attention, which can be challenging for me since I typically listen to podcasts while multitasking.  Frankly, it moves a little slow for me...which is odd to say about a show that regularly has timeskips of months or years and literally involves time travel. I guess I feel that way because there's a lot of attention paid to the action and plot, but less to the emotional character arcs. And obviously my narrative preferences run a certain way, so I'm only really paying attention to the character stuff. Which, to be fair, certainly exists and is carried through well—it's just not in my preferred proportions. Plus, the cast is quite sprawling compared to most other podcasts, and the tone is almost Crapsack World but not quite. 

Queerness: The main character is explicitly asexual and briefly explains it, and there are a handful of queer side characters. It's semi-historical, and there's some discussion of managing visibility etc. 

Genre: staring into the dusty gears of a massive clock running backwards as the minute hand slowly approaches a blinking red light.

[willswalkabout]

Hanoi, Hue, Hoi An

I had one night in my own room in Bangkok. Once again in Bangkok, Arsenal were playing at 2 in the morning. Luckily this time I woke up to find we’d managed to beat a non-league team on a dodgy pitch escaping with only 1 injury.

I flew the next morning to Hanoi. Having felt like I’d spent too much on taxis in Bangkok, I launched a new plan to avoid taking a solo taxi at all costs. In general while traveling I’ve left couples alone unless they join a larger group. However while approaching the taxi stand I heard an English accent and practically threw myself at one. I knew all the hostels in Hanoi are within a couple of blocks, and it indeed turned out that the guy was from Manchester and was only a 10 minute walk from my place. The walk saved me £10 as the taxi was split between 3. My first night in Hanoi involved going out for some food with 3 dutch backpackers. I had a fun conversation with Elsa, the girl in the trio, about the trials and tribulations of a long distance relationship. Characterised by very fuzzy Skype conversations and the occasional drunk text, where the receiver is either eating lunch, or already in the next morning. We also went to see a film, even writing this now I’m struggling to remember the name, I’ll have to look it up when I get internet (writing from seat 17F on 20:50 Da Nang - Ho Chi Minh flight). The film was awful and 3 of the 4 of us fell asleep a good hour before the end. The next day I met Harry, a Kiwi who was at the end of spending a couple of months in South East Asia as a way of breaking up his move from NZ to London. I spent the day wandering around Hanoi’s French Quarter, though this exploration was delayed by Air Asia letting me know that morning that they’d moved my flight to the Philippines 8 hours later, something that was going to cause me major issues, and led to some infuriating use of their “web chat unsupportive service”. Hanoi gets mixed reviews from travellers which I personally don’t understand. There’s lots to do, it’s incredibly cheap, people are friendly and it feels very European due to the French architecture and street layout. I went out that night with Harry to ‘beer corner’. It was classic Vietnamese organised chaos. Thousands of little stools and tables, shared by travellers and locals, as beers are served at 50p each, by someone that claims to own your stool.

The next morning I had coffee and visited a market with Harry. I’ve got to say it was the first point that I’ve really missed London, as I enthusiastically reeled off all the places he should go as he frantically took notes. I wasn’t feeling great that afternoon, but it was a pleasant surprise to return to my dorm and find that my roommates were now 5 Norwegian girls, who in turn created the nicest aroma I’ve ever experienced in a hostel room. I can only put it down to an apparent desire to keep themselves and their clothes clean on a routine basis. A characteristic very few other backpackers appear to possess. Some, who proudly tell you they’ve worn “this vest for 6 days straight now”, in one of the world’s most humid countries…

That evening I only ventured out to Hanoi’s 5* Intercontinental hotel, as they had one of the best viewpoints over Hanoi’s west lake. The same beer I’d been drinking the night before was a horrific £2.80, but one was worth it for the view. Walking back I saw a bar on the other side of the street which has the PS3 emblem on the outside. On entering they had 4 TVs set up with people playing FIFA 17. It was an opportunity I could not miss. I spent the next 2 hours playing FIFA with 4 Vietnamese guys who were evidently confused as to how I found the place, and who could speak very little English. Not that this stopped them from producing a pronunciation perfect cry of the Swedish striker Ibrahimovic, as he scored a last minute winner.

The next morning I was picked up for my Ha Long Bay tour at 8am. I had booked for 2 days 1 night, sleeping on the boat. The 4 hour drive was one of the worst I’ve experienced. With no leg room on the small and crammed minibus, rough roads, and a driver who seemed intent on using the drive to practice his overtaking before an upcoming F1 fixture, it felt far longer. The bay itself is breathtaking. For that reason I was glad I hadn’t paid more for any added extras/experiences, because for the bottom rate you see what you came to see in all its grandeur and mystique. We visited a cave before kayaking on the first day. That evening I played cards with my roommates, a woman from Azerbaijan (but living in Bow, London), and a woman from Argentina. I also met my first, and to this point only gap year students. Another 2 Norwegians, though due to their schooling system they were 19 and 20. After sleeping with probably the greatest view I’ve ever had from a bed, the next day involved a trip to a particular rock where they’ve built a viewpoint and artificial beach. I was somewhat oddly the only member of the 15 person group who fancied a swim. It was indeed fairly cold outside but the water was a perfectly tolerable temperature. On exiting the water I discovered that quite a decent crowd had formed, to observe this strange white man swimming In the sea in February. It was as I dried myself that this one gentleman pictured above, chose to thrust his phone in my face for a selfie. My only rule when it comes to this situation is to demand one in return, and it may well be one of my favourite photos of the travels so far. I got back to Hanoi late afternoon and was pretty tired, so other than enjoying the well written about ‘Bahn Mi 25’ experience, I retired to reorganise for the flight to Hue the next day. I was fortunate enough to overhear 3 of my Norwegian friends from a couple of nights previous, booking their taxi, and so I got in on that deal, once again saving me a fair bit.

I arrived in Hue in the rain, and made it to my oddly Wild West hostel. It was however one of the nicest beds I’ve had so far. The evening continued with me getting an Indian with 2 Irish guys and a Bristolian. It was actually quite an upmarket restaurant we found with the £8 cost being the most I’d spent on a single meal since Hong Kong. The food was great, and it was fun discussing the Arsenal, Manchester United rivalry with some passionate fans. They also shared my desire to find a pub that would show the England vs Italy 6 Nations fixture. It was a bizarre fixture to watch. If you watched the game you’ll understand that trying to work out Italy’s ruck tactics was hard enough for the players and the pundits, let alone us watching in a noisy bar with no commentary. The same evening I found out that it was meant to rain all day the next day, scuppering my plans to scooter the 5 hour journey to Hoi An. Luckily the company I had organised the rental with were happy to use my deposit to book me the bus to Hoi An, which was about $7.

The next day I got the incredibly comfortable sleeper bus, (though taken in the morning), to Hoi An. 3 rows of double decked 80% reclinable beds, allowing 40 or so passengers to travel in unrivalled comfort. On arrival in Hoi An I went straight to a tailor that had been recommended to me by my Dutch friend in Hanoi. There in ensued 3 extremely stressful hours. Getting my full navy cashmere suit made, took up about 25 minutes of that period. The rest was spent trying to convey what Ellen and Kate wanted made, with the help of measurements they’d sent me and pictures of the items. I would have found this easy if I hadn’t then been asked a multitude of questions I had no clue how to answer. How long does she want the skirt? What kind of fabric does she want? Does she want this double hem? Which pattern is best? I was feeling the pressure enormously, however to be fair to the girls they were both pretty on hand on whatsapp at what was about 8am GMT, to firmly bat away my futile suggestions, and I hope get what they wanted. The items are now in the post back home, except for one loose cotton shirt I got made, and should make it home in about 3 weeks.

I explored the old town a bit before embarking on a street food tour organised by the hostel, spending my time primarily with 2 woman from Finland and New York. Janelle from NY was so staggered at my age, she then made it her mission for the evening to prove that her guess of 26 was not crazy. To be fair to her the exhaustive surveying gave an outcome of 25.1, which I didn’t really know what to think of.

My second day in Hoi An involved a cycle to the beach which was nice, followed by picking up the clothes, 22 hours after order. They did fit incredibly well, but by the time I’d reviewed each item, tried on mine, and negotiated the postage cost, it was worth returning to the hostel where they were doing a 'free beer’ night. I went out that evening with 3 girls and one guy from California. Hoi An has an odd nightlife scene. There are a multitude of almost identical bars where you can drink fairly cheaply if you go at the right time, befriend the Kiwi rep that walks around shouting their name, and negotiate a bit. Then at 1230 they all close, and everyone moves to the one bar in town that’s open till 5, and inevitably is the most expensive. It was regardless good fun but something I realised I was quite tired off by the next evening (Wednesday).

Nothing however was going to take away from Wednesday being one of the best days so far, due to my final attempt at riding the Hai Van Pass, most famously featured on Top Gear’s Vietnam special, and described by Clarkson as 'One of the greatest coast roads in the world’. Once again the clearly confused Hoi An weather forecasters predicted torrential rains and it was dry all day. It took about an hour to get to the start of the pass, and then began dozens of hairpins, chicanes, and 6km of wide, open, and practically empty sea view. I was in awe, and it was one of those moments that for me helped to justify the entire venture. After taking a sufficient number of photos (many) and falling in love with my bike, which with its Arsenal sticker was christened 'Thierry’, I drove back extremely pleased with the endeavour. I also got some pretty good footage of the ride by attaching a GoPro to my helmet and chest at different times.

I went out with a solely English crew that night. I’d like to say that although I obviously have no issue with English company, it did feel kind of boring discussing bits of London and A Levels. I have just found it much more fun discussing the drinking laws / politics / nightlife / education system of Finland, America, Azerbaijan or Australia over the past few days. I spent most of my time with Calum, who had recently graduated from a school in North Carolina, and whom I felt was equally bored by my harmless compatriots.

Today was a very relaxing day where I only ventured out for Pho (Vietnamese noodle broth), and otherwise caught up on some stuff, knowing that my hostel in Ho Chi Minh is quite lively. I’m actually now standing at the luggage carousel which is taking an age. I’m quite confused as to how it’s reached 1045pm, and I left my hostel at 6pm for a 1 hour 10 domestic flight. I’m sorry again this is quite a long one, but splitting it up felt like more effort. I may have landed in Sydney next time.

[helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog]

Meet Julian Dennison, Ryan Reynolds’ 15-Year-Old BFF in ‘Deadpool 2’ (Exclusive)

Growing up in New Zealand, Julian Dennison would watch superhero movies with his pals, convinced there was no way he could ever fit in alongside the hunky, sculpted heroes tearing up the big screen. “They were all super muscly, super fit, super cool dudes who were very chiseled and basically looked like they had been molded out of clay,” the 15-year-old Deadpool 2 star tells ET. “I never saw any characters who looked like me or any kids onscreen who were a bit chubbier.” Not surprisingly, the young talent had to pinch himself as he walked on set in Vancouver, Canada, dressed as mutant superhero Russell Collins, aka Firefist, to work alongside Ryan Reynolds and Josh Brolin in the highly anticipated follow-up to 2016’s blockbuster Deadpool. Both nervous and excited, the moment marked the beginning of a whirlwind transition from New Zealand to Hollywood, which has since seen him cracking jokes on Good Morning America, becoming buddies with Reynolds and his gorgeous wife, Blake Lively, landing further work and proudly showcasing a rarer superhero look to millions around the globe. Yet, Dennison admits he had no idea what acting entailed when he and his twin brother, Christian, attended an open audition at his Lower Hutt elementary school for a 2013 film called Shopping. When he landed a lead role in the drama, he decided it would be fun to take it and despite having been a shy and quiet child, he quickly became “hooked” on filmmaking. A role in the award-winning Australian children’s flick Paper Planes followed, but it was New Zealand director Taika Waititi’s Hunt for the Wilderpeople that he says changed his life. Portraying rebellious but loveable kid Ricky Baker, who goes missing in the bush with his foster uncle (played by Sam Neill), the film became the biggest box office hit of the year in Dennison’s homeland, where he suddenly started getting asked for photos at school and recognized on the street. Waititi went on to direct 2017’s Thor: Ragnarok, and now, Dennison is following in his Hollywood footsteps. “Taika’s super crazy. He’s like a 12-year-old kid in an adult’s body,” Dennison laughs. “It was a cool experience and a lot of my humor is molded from Taika. Doing Hunt for the Wilderpeople opened so many doors, so I owe a bit of my career to him. I don’t like saying that because he’ll probably claim he did enough as it is! But I definitely learned a lot from working with him.”

It was while watching Hunt for the Wilderpeople during preparations for Deadpool 2 that Reynolds was struck by Dennison’s talent and immediately emailed Waititi to get the lowdown on the Kiwi teen. “I saw Taika's film and was like, ‘Who is this kid and what voodoo did you put on him to make him this good?’” Reynolds told the New Zealand Herald. “Taika said, ‘He just is that good.’” Thanks to Waititi’s glowing recommendation -- Dennison was the only actor they considered for the part, Reynolds revealed to the paper -- the young actor was on a plane to Los Angeles for a meeting with Deadpool 2 director David Leitch. “We didn’t know we were meeting with Ryan as well. He just walked out wearing this Christmas sweater and we started talking about the film,” Dennison recalls.

Julian Dennison in "Deadpool 2."

Joe Lederer / 20th Century Fox

With Dennison in mind, Reynolds then wrote the role of an orphan infused with supernatural abilities and uncontrollable rage, whom Deadpool and his team set out to protect from time-traveling mutant Cable (Brolin.) Leitch, Reynolds and an acting coach helped Dennison overcome his nerves and get into the mindset of the angriest character he has ever played.

“Everyone, especially Ryan, helped me become this character,” Dennison says. “Working with him was so fun. You can’t keep a straight face because he’s so funny that you can’t not laugh around him. He’s a great guy, and Blake Lively, his wife, is really lovely too. He’s got a really nice family who are all super down-to-earth.”

One thing Dennison didn’t have to worry about while taking on his biggest role yet was the challenge many foreign actors face chasing their Hollywood dreams: perfecting an American accent. Thrilled he got to keep his New Zealand accent, the Maori actor admits that at times he took it too far, inadvertently slipping Kiwi slang into his lines, like adding “G” (similar to “bro”) to the end of phrases. “I used to say things like, ‘Yeah G,’ a lot, so I had to learn not to say it,” he says. “I still talk to my mates like that, but it got annoying on-set, so they made me stop. It was really special that I got to use my accent in the film, though. That means I can do it in any potential future films!” Time will tell whether those future projects include a third Deadpool film, but Dennison confirms there are “fun” unannounced projects on the horizon, which he will juggle with completing his schooling after the fun grind of Deadpool 2 obligations die down.

Giving Julian Dennison a warm 💀💩L welcome as we stare off into our beautiful future together. #RickyBakerPool #NZ

A post shared by Ryan Reynolds (@vancityreynolds) on Jun 27, 2017 at 11:17pm PDT

He was thrilled to have his parents and Christian join him for Monday’s night’s world premiere in New York City and credits his family for being incredibly supportive as he faces the exciting new doors Deadpool 2 is opening. And, as he walks through them, three simple words of wisdom from Reynolds remain on his mind. “He said, ‘Just be yourself. You can’t make it in this industry if you’re not doing that, because then you’re representing someone else. So be yourself and don’t forget where you come from,’” Dennison says. “I’m just this kid from New Zealand, to be honest. My life has changed, but I’m still that same kid and I don’t think that will ever change.” He may call himself a “kid,” but when it comes to his evolving acting career, Dennison hopes the “child star” label isn’t one which will stick with him professionally. “What’s with the whole ‘child actor’ and ‘teen actor’ thing?” he questions. “You’re either an actor or actress or you’re not. I don’t get it! I want to be taken seriously as an actor.” Labels aside, Dennison’s thrilled to be portraying a character who will help youngsters around the globe reevaluate what a superhero does, should or could look like. “Deadpool is a quirky universe, which is all about being outside of the box, unlike a normal superhero film,” he says, adding that he’s always been confident and comfortable with his body image. “For me, personally, it’s really cool to play someone who other can people finally look at it and see that a bigger person can portray this awesome character.”

 RELATED CONTENT:

Ryan Reynolds Reveals How He Got [Spoiler] to Cameo in 'Deadpool 2' (Exclusive)

'Deadpool 2' Review: Ryan Reynolds Did the R-Rated Superhero Thing First, Now He Does It Better

'Deadpool 2' Final Red Band Trailer Brings All the Laughs -- Watch!

[unqueenlybiscuits]

K-pop hates your nasally tone.

fuck you and your cow

You Don't Mess With The Zohan Script

   You don't mess with the Zohan!  Come disco.  No, no, no.I no disco, I make the fish.  Danny, come on, go disco.  Oh, okay. Disco!  Danny, that looks good. You're gonnabe a hit at your bar mitzvah.  So okay, Mr. Big Penachim,I no see you disco.  No, no, no. I making dagim.I no disco.  A real man, he can discoand cooking dagim.  So let's go.  Go, go.  I get the hummus for you.  And for you.  Little for me, eh!  No.  No.  Kapara, what is going on!  Just some bullshit-uchen.  Let's go!  Hey, I'm on vacation here.Can't you see this!  You promised me time off.Get someone else to do it.  Are they gonna hurt him!  No one can hurt the Zohan.  - Bye, Zohan.- Take care, man.  The terrorist known as Phantom...  ...was spotted yesterday at aHacky Sack tournament in Beirut.  He may be have been trying tobait us by surfacing briefly.  We believe he's being kept in a safehouse on the Lebanon border.  How is we lose Phantom!  Didn't I capture Phantomthree months ago!  What, you didn't hearabout the trade!  What trade!  Zohan, we gave back the Phantom.  No!  What do you mean,we give back the Phantom!  Zohan, relax.  It was a good trade.We got back Etan and David.  That's all we gotfor a veteran terrorist!  Come on, we got hosed here.  They threw in a spyto be named later.  Come on, Zohan,you have to like that deal.  Maybe they're talking about Ze'ev.  Ze'ev.Come on, he's not even a good spy.  He got caught, for God's sake.He's a stupid.  Our plan is to enter the building fromthe front with a team of eight men...  ...with an additional 12 menat perimeter positions.  Unfortunately, there is a highprobability of collateral damage...  ...including property and loss of life,on both sides.  Okay, here we go.  Excuse me!  Come on, is it not saferto send one man into building...  ...with minimal coverageto take out the target...  ...instead of blowing uphalf the neighborhood!  Well, who would do that!  Oh, "who would do that!"  You know you weregoing to ask the Zohan.  Zohan, why you say this!  I just laid out an entire planwhich didn't rely on you.  Come on, Yaron,you're setting me up.  All this talk of civilian casualties,then of course I end up doing it.  - But I'm not even asking you to do it.- All right, I'll do it.  Give me Avi and Koby as watch,I'll get it done without the mess.  Well, thank you. You didn't have to.  Oh, I didn't have to, bullschlassah.  Have some Fizzy Bubblech.  "Kiwi watermelon"! Yeah, is good.  "Avalon."  Chunky cuts.  Zohan, what are you doing!The girls are here.  I know, I was watching television.  Well, if you want to have fun with us,we're right next door.  - Good with the sticky, you should do it.- No, no, no.  I am going to dinner with my parents.Just leave me alone.  - All right, all right.- It is all right!  You don't giggle at the Zohan.  You hear me!No giggling at the Zohan.  You never giggle at the Zohan.  What's the matter, tatele?  You haven't touchedyour baba ganoush.  What would you think if I tell you...  ...I want to leaving the army,start a new life!  Why would you do that!You are good at it. It's steady pay.  You can't leave,you're one of their best.  Besides, you are too oldto take a risk.  Stay in the army, play it safe.  There's other things I can dobesides war.  You don't war.  - I was in the real war.- I know, I know the story.  1967.  We were surrounded on all sides,outnumbered.  - And in six days, we...- And in six days, we won.  You won. I'm sorry,I don't have a big, fancy war...  ...that lasted all of six days...  Six days and five hours.Your generation likes to forget that.  Dad, I've done so muchfor the country. When does it end!  They've been fighting for 2000 years.It can't be much longer.  All of my friends servedthe minimum three years.  Why can't I move on!Do something else.  Something more creative.  Creative, what!  You've caught so many terrorists,it's an art.  You're like Rembrandtwith a grenade.  What will you do!  Maybe go to America.  What, and haggle overstereo equipment!  Wait a minute, Ya'acov.  Uncle Levi will set you upat electronic store.  You make money, sow yourcreative oats, you come back.  No, I don't want to doelectronics store.  Then how will you make money!  I don't want to say.  Zohan, if you can't tell your parents,who can you tell!  Come, Zohanele.  I want to cut...  ...and style hair.  You... You fagala?  He's fag... Faga...  I like hair. It's pleasant,it's peaceful, no one gets hurt.  Well, you're only diggingthat fagala hole deeper and deeper.  Hello, down there!Hello, in the fagala hole.  Maybe he wants Vaseline.  Yes, it's so funny.  I just want to make peoplesilky smooth.  You know the Phantom will try to run,so be ready for this.  - Zohan, now!- So let's go.  The Zohan.  Freeze!  I get it, I get it,you guys don't like our country.  So we are the bad ones.  I'd love to sit and discuss thiswith you, but I'm short on time.  I'm just saying.It's not so cut-and-dry.  We settled herefor hundreds of years!  Good point.  None of my ancestors ever steppedfoot in this land. No, you're right.  Hey, don't walk away!  Come out, come out,wherever you are.  Hello, jackass.  You think you can oppress my people,landgrabber!  But I will never disappear.  No one can catch Phantom!  So let's go.  Very good.  Sorry. It's for the cause.  Zohan.  Zohan, bring it.  Why you do this! I feel no pain.  No, no, no. I feel no pain.  - I feel no pain. This is too much...- No, no, no. I feel no pain.  I have told you in other fights.  No, no, no. I kill you right now.  Look, look, look.  The piranha,it looks very painful for you.  Is good, is good.  Is very nice. Yes, yes.  Fizzy Bubblech for me.  You like what you see!  Time to die.  So let's go.  Okay, game over.  Yeah!  I kill!  I kill the Zohan!  Zohan is dead.  The Phantom!  Cutting the hair,this makes something beautiful.  Instead of shooting it.  That's why I had to fake to die.  I could have captured Phantom again,but for what! They trade him.  I love my country,but the fighting, it never ends.  It's like Mr. Scrappy, you bite Coco.  Coco, you bite him back.  Soon you are both having worms,eating your own poopech...  I understand. The pills.  Your parents thinkthey know what's best for you.  Sleep.  It's all about not getting recognized.  I know how great I lookedin the beard...  but I'll make this work for me,you'll see.  Rise and shine, guys.Good morning.  Is nice, huh!  It's the Avalon.  It says I care about the way I look,but I'm still approachable.  Oh, you like this!  Who wants to go next, guys!Who wants to look silky smooth!  Yes. Yes.  Oh, where are my two little babies!Oh, come on.  Come on out, Scrappy, come on out.Come to Mama, Mr. Coco.  Mr. Scrappy. Coco.What happened!  Who gave you permissionto do this, huh!  Who did! Answer me.  Scrappy, was it you!It was you, wasn't it!  You're always the instigator.  Bad dog. You are a very bad dog.Never again are you gonna travel.  Take me to the Paul Mitchellhair salon.  - First time in New York!- Yes, my friend.  So, what brings you here!  I have a dream.  I had a dream too.  What dream you have!  My dream was to come to America...  ...and make enough moneyto send for me brothers and sisters...  ...so that we all could enjoyfreedom together.  - This is good dream.- Oh, yes, it is.  - Is dream come true!- No, man.  Me brothers and sisterswere hacked to death.  But I love the Chinese food here.It's incredible.  - Hey, you forgot these.- Those are for you, my friend.  Good morning for you.I am here to meet Mr. Paul Mitchell.  And who are you!  Scrappy Coco.I am here to take a job from him.  He isn't in right now.  That's good. So I will wait, then.  You know what! I'll takeone Fizzy Bubblech, a raspberry.  You know,he actually doesn't come in too often.  Yes, just tell him I am perfect for this,so let's go.  - I am the best.- The best at what!  All of this. The cutting, the styling,the making it silky smooth.  I wanna know who cuts your hair.  Oh, you like this, eh!  This is the Avalon,straight from the Paul Mitchell book.  I haven't seen that stylesince Luke married Laura.  Sister, are you this Laura!  You tell Paul Mitchell,Scrappy Coco was here to see him.  If I find out he was here...  ...or you are keeping himhidden from me...  ...I will destroy you.  Believe me this.  What the hell was this, champ!I'm not paying for that!  This asshole cut me off,made me swerve into you!  With all due respect,I was in the bicycle lane.  You came like a madman.Be glad nobody was hurt.  I mean, somebody could've died.I mean, you came...  Okay, real mature, sir. Real mature.  You do not want to bethrowing bicycles.  Look, stay out of my business,Mustafa.  "Mustafa"! This is not my name.Who tells you this is my name!  Whatever.Salami, bologna, apple sauce.  Apple who!  My friend, if I were you,I would change the tone.  Avoid the pain.  Listen, go back to your goddamnedpretzel stand. We got it...  - Look what I've got. It's right here.- Please!  - I've got it.- Please, let me go.  I never work at pretzel stand.You like to insult people!  Was that your feet!  Yes, it's the feet. The feet uppercut.  Here comes the double foot.  This is good.  Smell it, smell it, smell it.Now take it.  - That's for you.- All right, let me go!  You said you wanted pretzel!  Okay, I'm good.  Beautiful.  You want some chickens!  No, no, no. I fix for you.  It's all b'seder.  What are you, bionic!  No, no, no. I only like the girls.  Thanks, anyways.  This is ridiculous traffic.  Anyway, George insistedwe have the party.  - I always get midnight shift.- Could you keep it down, please!  I no sleep,I no see World Series Poker.  Are you even watching the road!  Be nice. He could be a terrorist.  - Why Hamdi no get no midnight!- Could you at least change the station!  - Hey, that was amazing.- Oh, yes.  Where are you from, anyway!  Where am I from!  Australia.  Really!Because you sound Middle Eastern.  No, no, no. Similar accents.  - Kangaroo. You see!- Sure.  This is ridiculous. We're getting out.  - Come on, dear.- I've been working longer than Hamdi.  - You want me to get you home!- No, I'll grab a cab.  You've done enough.That was crazy.  Whose lockzie do I have to schluck?  Oh, you know you're boning me.I don't know that.  It's you.  - What is happening!- What's happening!  It's bullshaklaga.  - We have to go.- Go where!  - I'll run you.- What are you doing!  This is legal!  Scrappy, have another kneidlach.Come on.  You're very nice, Mrs. Klayman.  It reminds me of my mother's cookingin Australia.  Really!It's funny, you don't sound Australian.  Yes, no, no, no.This is because I am half Australian...  ...half Mount Everest.  So this is what you're hearing.  Well, Australia,it must be really nice there...  ...since they got rid of the apartheid.  Oh, yes, the weather is much cooler.  So, Scrappy,I understand you cut hair.  I will be workingwith Mr. Paul Mitchell...  ...as soon as I find outwhere they are hiding him.  Oh, Mom, Scrappydoesn't have a place to stay yet.  - Really!- Not yet.  Well, actually,there's a nice one-bedroom...  ...that just opened up upstairs.  Nice light, not huge.  And they redid the kitchen very well.  - This could be good.- Could be good.  Could be good.  Hey, Mom,do you know where the detergent is!  - That's very good.- Oh, my God!  What! What's the matter!  What's the matter! That's my mom.  - It's okay, Michael.- I know it's your mother.  She's very beautiful.  Michael, I haven't made stickyin two days.  - What do you want from me!- Couldn't you wait till I was asleep!  - Or dead!- No, Michael.  You do... What's he doing now!  Why'd that happen!Why'd that happen!  It's okay. Let me talk to him.  Oh, I can't get up.  No, no. You'll feel your legs againin two hours.  Michael.  Come on, this is nothingto feel bad about.  Me sexing your mother.  It's beautiful. It's natural.  No, I didn't bring you hometo do it with my mother.  Why not, huh!You don't want her to be happy!  Did you see her! Did you look at her!  I don't thinkI can ever look at her again.  Michael, her faceduring the big bang-boom!  You did not see!  She was glowing.  Patches. What are you...!  Michael, come on.  They'll be plenty of timefor you and me.  Tonight, I take you to disco, huh!How's this!  No, why would I wanna goto a disco tonight!  Michael, you should go. It'd be fun!  You could use a little stank.  Yes, you need your penachimto take a swim.  Yeah, a little chicken of the sea.It wouldn't hurt.  Disco, disco.Let's do this, Michael. Yes or no!  Come on, you get to disco.  - All right, fine, I'll go to the disco.- Okay.  I do your mother one more time,and then we go.  - Wha...!- Seconds already!  Oh, yes.  Hey. Look at this.  This is what you need, man,to let off a little steam, huh!  How many times a day do youmake sticky! Two! Five! Twelve!  How many times a day!I've had sex once in my life.  It was at tennis camp.It was awful.  You're too picky, Michael.Maybe that's the problem.  Every weed in the desertis still a flower.  Look at this. This a big one, eh!  But look at the tits.These will bounce nice for you.  Your mother, she has huge poopeh.  I mean, very wide.  But what I see are two big, strong legswrapped around my head, squeezing.  So who wants to get somepoontachen?  - I wanna get some poontachen?- Well, let's get some. Yes.  It's good for you. Nice spinning.  This is what I'm talking about.You play this.  - I ain't playing this corny shit.- No, no.  I need to set themood for my friend.  Get out,you Daisy Duke-wearing motherf...  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  - Disco, disco.- Good, good!  Yes, hello. Hello.  Hey, Zohan.  Who you looking for!  It's okay, no one can hear mein disco, Zohan.  Can you believe the poontachatin this place!  I'm not Zohan.My name is Scrappy Coco, my friend.  What!Of course you are Zohan Dvir.  They all think you dead in Israel.I'm not going to tell.  Tell what!I don't know what you're talking about.  Zohan, it's okay.Don't worry, I'm a huge fan.  The way you took outAbdullah Meda in '94.  And when you made Melami Benazireat his own shit in '97.  I can't believe I'm meeting you, man.  So, what the fachmaare you doing here!  Come with me.  Look, I couldn't takeall the fighting anymore.  - What's it all for!- Are you crazy!  If I could blow a terroristinside out like you...  ...this is all I would do.I'd never sleep.  - This is exaggeration.- No, it's not.  You made Palami Habdallah's poodlesit on a live grenade.  - You gotta show me how you did that.- I don't remember. I was young.  So tell me the truth.Why are you in America!  I no want to tell you.  What! What! Come on.  You are the best, Zohan.Whatever you say is good.  I want to be hairdresser.  You a fagala?  I can't believe it.  A great warrior, but also a fagalawith the penachim.  No, no, no. I like hair.  Come on, man, I get you real job.  You come by my shop tomorrow.  Israeli electronics. Are you crazy!  - Everyone will recognize me.- No, you don't look like same Zohan.  You have silly haircut now.  - I have what haircut!- What!  - You say I look silly!- No, no. Who said this!  - You said this.- No, no. Nobody say nothing.  I don't need your job.  I get my own job on my ownat a big salon. You will see.  You ever cut a sister's hair before!  Yes. Sister, brother, grandma,grandpa, the whole family.  I'm good at this.  Have you ever workedwith dreads before!  This is what you do.  No more. This creature slayed.  It's not a problem. Okay, he's got me.He's got me. He's got me. Okay.  Okay. So we blind him in the eyes.We got you.  And we finish him.  You back away, I take hold of him.Go! Go! Go out! Go now!  Go!  This is hair. This is hair.  Oh, okay. The joke's on me, eh!  A big part of our job hereis making this a fun experience.  Of course, of course.  For a lot of kids, this is their first cut,and it can be very frightening.  - I can imagine.- I don't want a haircut.  Get away from me.  Let me go.  Young man, look what I found here.  A nice balloon.  Do you want it! It's right here.  You shouldn't jump around...  ...when this nice woman'sholding a sharp pair of scissors.  If you move, she could slip andslice your jugular vein on accident.  There's no way to stitch the jugular.  All of your blood will be on the floorin four minutes.  I've seen this. I've done this.You don't want this.  Well, then, at least it's a good time toshave his neck. I would get him quick.  When I was your ageI already killed seven men.  Maybe you should grow up.  I promise you you won't regret.  And come back.  "Fujigawa"! I don't know that brand.It really isn't...  It's not really Fujigawa.It's Sony guts.  - Wouldn't it be better with the Sony...- Oh, no, no, no. This is what you want.  - Four-hundred fifty.- But the ad says "Sony," and "300."  No, no, no. What you going to believe,me or the ad! Four-fifty.  Hello, Going Out of Business.Can I help you!  Sony, yes. Three hundred.  Come in, yes. Very good, very good.  Hi. I represent the new ownerof this building.  Good for you. Want a birthday cake!What do you want!  Yamaha is very good.  Did you receive our letterregarding your rent!  - This I don't know.- It's being raised to 20,000 a month.  No, no, no. This is too much.  Eighty-five hundredis all we'll give you.  - This isn't negotiable. We can get...- Ten thousand, that's all.  We both go home happy.  - I'm sorry. We can't settle for less.- Okay, no deal.  You come back when youwant to deal.  - Sir, you don't understand.- Go.  What you still here for! You like me!I have girlfriend. Go.  Thank you very much.  Hey, look who's here.  Come on, not so loud.  Don't worry, Zohan.I tell you, they don't recognize you.  Yosi. This is good man.This Chocolaté Coco.  - Scrappy Coco.- Scrappy Coco.  Cooking Who-co!  Yes, yes.  So you're going out of business!  No, no, no, no. Is just a sign.Is good for business.  Yeah, so you look me up, man.That's cool.  I come for job.  Job. So you not big hairstyle!  It's not really happening for meso far.  So I am here. So let's go.  No. No job.  What do you mean!You tell me to come here.  I can no let you do this.You want to be hair homo.  No, so I do this for now.It's all yofi tofi.  Is no now.  Once you start in electronics store,you never get out.  Look at Ephraim. You see!  I don't see nothing wrong with that.It's perfect.  Ephraim came to America...  ...to be racing car driver.  But he let slip away.  I can hear it. Look. Check your ear.  Pinchas wanted to bethe next Bill Cosby.  No. Is resistant, no proof.You don't understand!  But the store kept pulling him back.  Maybe you swimming with the watch.  - I'm not swimming...- Is resistant.  Yosi wanted to be a hand model.  What, you don't like this! Look at this.This is most beautiful.  But he got too comfortable here.  Press this button, it's free HBO.  The electronics storeis a dream killer.  And I won't let the Zohankill his dream.  You are a real mensch, Oori.  You the mensch.  Come.  What! What's this!  You may not go for this,but this place cross the street...  - Yes!- They maybe take you.  - Is good place!- No, is dump, but they take you.  Is on Palestinian side of street.  Palestinian!  No, no, no.Look, nobody kill you there.  Here nobody care.  First off, no one kill me anywhere.  But Palestinian, no.  I've done enoughto my parents already.  I just want job for the Zohan.  And it kills methe way Phantom bastard...  ...getting his buttochim kissedin Palestine now.  Buttochim kissed! What's this!  He have business.  He buy wives.  Him!  They say his ugly face everywhere.  Everyone is runningTo Phantom's Chewy Muchentuchen  For the food the heroes eat  Kubeh, sambouesk,Delicious muchentuchen  You never know who you'll meet  You are going to get spoiled.  Phantom Muchentuchen!  Oh, yeah!  This month,order Muchentuchen Happy Lunch...  ... and get action figures fromPhantom Presents: Death to Zohan.  Unbelievable.  This animal gets to live his dream.But, me, l...  I can no work Palestinian, no.It's like... I can't do this.  Yes, you can.  Is your dream to cut hair.You want fight, or you want hair!  I want hair. But I'm scared.  Is America.You can do anything here.  You never done somethingpeople thought was impossible!  So you don't want to talk, huh!I'll make you talk.  I can do this.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  Disco, disco, good, good.  So you have never cut hair before.  I have cut my own hairand several dogs.  I have the Paul Mitchell book,I have the stamina, the desire...  But you have no trainingor experience.  Would you hire someonewith experience in something else!  In what!  Can anyone here do this!  Okay. I have never seen that.  That is very nice,but that is not going to help me.  No hands.  Besides, I have no openings.  If anything, I need to scale back...  ...since they just raised my rentthrough the roof.  Out of nowhere, some guy with a tiecomes in and tells me I need to pay.  Stop it!  I only wish to learn.  I will do whatever it takes.  Fine. You can sweep up haira few shifts a week.  - You won't be...- No pay.  No, no, no.But then, I will become stylist, yes!  That could be a while.  I will wait turn. You will see.  I will get nighttime job for money.  Soon the whole worldwill be silky smooth.  Zohan.  - Carmen Electra has the best tits now.- Oh, please.  Oh, my God.I wonder how much she paid for them.  They're so perky.  You know, leave it to herto buy the best tits.  It's always first class with that one.  You know you don't have to catchevery piece of hair as it falls.  Yes, I do. You deserve a perfect floor.One single hair is unacceptable.  As you were.  Yes. I got this.  "Did you seethe new Kate Hudson movie!  I think she is even more vivaciousthan her mother."  Scrappeleh, that's wonderful.Now, let's practice on Michael.  Michael!Could you come in here, please!  What! What is...!  Oh, Scrappy needs to practicesmall-talking.  Can we do this another time! I havea shot at keeping my food down.  Michael, I want to practice now.  I'm afraid I'm terrible at this.Why won't you help me!  Oh, honey.You are good at everything you do.  - Got it.- Thanks.  So you're making her silky smooth,huh, Claude!  - Framing her face!- Yeah, Scrappy. I'm framing her face.  This is smart.  A nice layered stylewith the soft bangs...  ...is good for a bigger womanlike this.  - Coco.- Takes the eyes off the moon face...  ...and brings it toward the titzim.  Coco.  I need to speak to you.  In private.  Private. A secret!  They will never get it out of me,I promise you.  Coco, Claude is trying to work.  Yes. He's very good.  So I am ready to cut hair today.So let's go, let's get it on.  No. Let's not go.  But I am the best.  Don't tell me you're the best.  - I have the desire, the stamina.- You've been here two days.  I run this place for five years.  I think I know when you are readyto cut hair.  Okay, Jeez! Get a room, you two.  No, no, no.  I do not touch thiswith your penachim.  Out of respect for the working.  No, you don't eat where you shit.  Or shit where you eat.Whatever the...  The smell is bad.  This is called a comb.  - With the fingers!- Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.  - Scrappy.- I'm sorry. Here, I take your leg up.  I'm sorry about this. I'm sorry.  - Okay. All right.- I apologize.  - Take him where he wants to go.- Thank you. Okay.  - Good luck.- It will be fine.  - Your limousine has arrived, sir.- You're observant, Tyler.  Thank you, Big Mac.  I am really late for a hotel openingdowntown. The Walbridge Hotel.  I understand, sir. I know theneighborhoods inside and backwards.  - We will not let them stop us.- What!  I'm not in much of a hurry.  Oh, no.  You want some coffee back there!  No!  I will lose them.  Nobody is following us.  Oh, shit!  Have a good time, sir.  Debbie, you did a good job.  You look very bangable,Mrs. Rosen.  Mrs. Paulson, I must tell you...  ...when you first came in,you looked hideous.  There was nothing attractive.  But now, I must say,my schtitzel, it's about to burst.  - It could break these any...- What are you doing!  We are talking shop.  No. No.  - Look, Coco...- What!  You need to calm down now, okay!  I don't think these customerslike the way you talk shop.  Nobody say this.  Coco, remember,respect for the workplace.  I have betrayed my salon.  He's trying to kill himself.  - Scrappy.- I deserve this.  No, no. Just... Just...  Easy on the ladies.  I didn't mind.  Take care, Mrs. Paulson.  She did not mind.  Let me disinfect the scissors...  ...so someone elsecan make someone else silky smooth.  I'll just clean up.  Rafaela's Salon.  What! No.  Debbie, she quit.  - What!- Sorry.  Claude, did you know about this!  I should have told you.  She's been looking for a new jobsince those rent guys came around.  Then why you no say nothing,little bitch!  Don't worry,I'm not giving up on this place.  You're a good guy, habibi.I just... I don't know what to do.  So let's go.  Scrappy, I have enough problemsright now.  I not the problem. I the solution. I fix.  But if you screw up...  I can't afford a screwup right now.  No, no, no. I no screw up.I am the best for the job.  Yeah, but you push and push."When is my turn"!  I have to care about salon.  - No, no, no.- No, no, no.  You care about you. And don't fightin front of the customer.  Mrs. Skitzer,I am afraid our stylist is out today.  Would you care to wait for Claude!  Does he do hair!  He's not a regular.  Well, that's fine.  She say...I mean, only if it's okay with Dalia.  Okay.  You will not regret this decision.  Mrs. Skitzer, let's cut your hair.  Just lay back, Mrs. Skitzer.I'll take care of everything.  - Oh, thank you.- Thank you.  Sexy woman like youdeserves to be pampered.  Me, sexy! Sure.  Don't be humble.  You've got the ass and titsof a schoolgirl and you know it.  And everyone else knows this too,believe me.  Yes.  Let me get your earring off.  I love it.  Of course you do.I make you silky smooth. I tell you this.  All right, Scrappy.You can cut Debbie's clients today.  If they want you.  Thank you.  I'll get to you all soon as I'mall the way done with Mrs. Skitzer.  That all you got, Mrs. Skitzer!  Come on, baby. Go, baby. Yes. Yes.  So who's next!  Come on, Scrappy!  Thank you, dear.  - It's a lot of speakers.- Yes. Yes.  It's orgasmic.  Oh, my God.  Oh, yes!  Grab it, Scrappy!  For you. Yes.  I give this to you.  - No. I am sorry, Mr. Paul Mitchell.- Hear me out, Scrappy, please.  I'll give you stock options.I'll name a shampoo after you.  No, my loyalty is to here.I will destroy you.  I heard about this placefrom Joanne.  You have to ask for Scrappy.  Yes, is the primarycardholder present!  Excuse me!  Hello, I am callingfrom Spiegel catalogue.  Are you between the agesof 18 and 39!  We're trying to talk here.  Have you ordered from cataloguein past six months!  Could you get off the phonewhile you drive!  Hey, what's the matter!I trying to make a living, do my job.  This is your job.  This is job also.  This is not Iraq.  I am Palestine, I'm not Iraq.  And you're not getting a tip.  And you are a stupid cow.  Jeez.  - And we're done. Okay, you, skedaddle.- Thanks so much.  - I'll see you later.- All right.  I like this, the red hair.  I bet she has a pumpkin patchdown below, yes!  I don't know.  - Did you tap her tuchus?- No.  Why don't you go afterthe snatchacheem in this place!  They all want you, believe me.  Scrappy, I wouldn't be so sure.  I'm telling you,you're not picking up the signs.  Come with me.I'll show you a technique. It's beautiful.  Hello, Mrs. Haynes. How are you!You want the cut and color today!  Yes, please. Thanks.  Watch.  You see! She's going with it.It's good.  Yep.  - She has a free shoulder. Come join.- I'm good.  Mrs. Haynes,you're getting cold here.  Claude, come. Keep her warm.  Go ahead. Yes.  And gently move.Gently move the shoulder.  All you want to do is let her knowyou're here for her.  Now look awaylike you're not even doing it.  We're not doing this.  - Same rhythm.- Okay.  Push. Push. Push.  Oh, you're pushing harder.It's starting to feel good on my end.  I am trying to make moneyto start my own business, huh.  Would you say you read Spiegelonce a month, twice...  Would you just get usto the hair salon!  We're gonna miss our appointment.  I curse you, and I curse your hair.  What is big dealabout this hair place anyway!  They get worse every year.  Okay, we'll take them to the truck.We'll just talk to them. But we'll find a...  Did you throw this shoe at me,my friend!  No!  Sure looks like it was you.  Then who threw it!  Okay. You're lucky I'm in good mood.I'll let you off the hook.  Nobody spits on me.  Thank you for the goat, my friend.  Yes.  Goat!  Goat.  Goat!  Goat!  Goat.  I said, "Can we have the receipt!"  Yes. Die in hell.  Welcome.  We'll color your hair Bling-BlingBlond. This is what you need.  You know what else they go for!  The... I don't know what you have,but mine is the biggest.  This...It does not get bigger than this.  It's enormous. Scary. I mean:  What!  I have the biggest. It's the biggest.  Take a look at this.  Look.  - It's not that big.- It's not that...!  No, no, no. The bush.  The bush is the biggest.  And the girls like thisbecause it's cushion.  It is no bullshaklaga. He is the one.I never forget a face.  So, what do you want I do!  Wait. I conference you.  Hello!  Nasi, emergency meeting.You're on with Hamdi as well.  - Hello, Nasi.- Hello, Hamdi.  Can you believehow much they pay Delgado!  Yes. Why Mets do this!  This is serious. We meet!  I explain why is emergency.  This is not just manwho take my goat.  - Zohan Dvir.- Yes.  Everyone think Phantom kill him.  Phantom not kill him.  We will capture,then make trade with Israel.  We will be heroes.  But, Salim, we are not Jihadim. Wedon't know for sure that this is him.  Let's call Hamas, Hezbollah.Let them handle this.  - Leave it to the pros.- No.  Hezbollah shmezbollah.  Hezbollah will take all the credit.This is our shot.  Why not let Phantom capture him!  Screw Phantom. He hero already.  Where's my chainof muchentuchen restaurants!  Salim, don't make thisabout yourself.  This is about me.  And about him.  And about my goat!  Come on, let's go!  This is nice,the walking inside the outside.  The park, the people,the horses, the kid.  Well, you're always downtown.  You should seea little more of New York.  Yes, yes, this is good.  The talking is good...  ...to get to know each otherbefore the bang-boom. I like.  Oh, no, no, no.There will be no bang-booming.  I just wanted to thank youfor saving my business.  - This isn't a date.- No, no, no.  I feel you have helped me so much...  The right thing to dois to tap you so hard...  ...my schtitzel will come outyour poopech. That's what I think.  Look, why don't wejust enjoy the park!  No, no, no. This is what we do.  Hey, look, softball.  - You like softball!- Of course, I love softball.  What is softball! Teach me how to.  I learned softballwhen I came to the States.  When you're Arab, it helps to fit in.  Yeah, how long you move here ago!  Just a few years ago.  I couldn't take it there anymore.All the hate, on both sides.  Yes, especially yours.  Why you say this! You don't know.  No, no, I don't. I read this.  The Australian-Tibet mediais very biased.  Look, both sides crazy.  My own family...  My brother...  ...if he knew I work cross streetfrom Israelis, he would lose it.  - Really!- You have the hardcores on both sides.  They just want to fight and fight.  Nobody will win this way.It has to stop.  When will it end, eh! Yes.  Okay, so you must be thirsty, no!  Here.  Where you get this!  This! From specialty shopon West Side.  This Middle Eastern drink.You know this! Fizzy Bubblech!  No, no, no. It looks pretty good.  Oh, try, try. It's very good.Try, have a sip.  It's not for me.  No! Really!  This is his shop.  Here is photo for compare.  For how long this take!I close the newsstand.  Make sure you ask himif he ever hit by shoe.  And about the prize goatthat can fetch a bowl of onion soup.  Look in his eyes when youask him this, for they will be suffering.  - You know, I just got haircut.- Go.  Look at this. I feel like Hugh Hefnerwith all you little bunnies around here.  Okay, okay,let's see who is going next.  "Jorge Posada," where are you!  That's me.  Okay, good-looking guy,you take a seat there. You're next.  You know, you look likeyou already just got haircut.  No, no.  So I guessing you're looking forsomething in the silky smooth area!  - Well...- Because I see you have nice curls.  You don't want tocut into those curls.  We will talk about this over there.  Okay, Scrappy, I wait.  Is not like I have a shoe to throw.  Sure. Yes. Beautiful. Whatever.  I don't have time to go watcha goat fetch soap.  - What!- What! I don't know.  Listen, my friend...  ...you want to talk, it's good,but you have to wait your turn.  First I have to cut and bangMrs. Greenhouse.  - That's right.- Okay.  Well, I'm ready for it.  Oh, dear.  I am sorry, Mrs. Greenhouse.I am not man enough for you today.  Oh, Scrappy, it's fine.  I don't know what the problem is.I am going to lose business.  Oh, no, dear. You're still adorable.  The screwingwas really just a bonus.  You are an angel, Mrs. Greenhouse.  An angel with a magic throat.  Oh, Scrappy!  No, that could work.One more, please.  Let's see what we got.  And we're still nothing.  Well!  He was very cool.  Idiot. What did he say!  He think I have nice curlsthat go well with a full face.  - But was it him!- Well, it looked like him.  But hard to know.  I tell you this: he didn't seem to carewhen I talk about goat fetching soap.  Soup. The goat fetched soup.You ruin everything.  Soup! This makes no sense.  Screw you. It's him. I know it's him.  The goat fetched soup!This is unbelievable.  Go to hell.  You said it was urgent!  It's an emergency.Please, take a look.  Yes, yes.  Well, that's not a real problem.You can always shave it.  No, not the bush.  No, inside the bush.Look deeper. Him.  - I see.- He lays in there all day long.  Maybe it needs some more oxygen.It looks like it's being strangled.  So the Palestinian says to the priest:  "Okay, but let's skip the bath."  Why, are they not clean!  No, is good joke.  Honey, are you all right!You've been in there for over an hour.  What is this stuff! I mean, I took onesip and I repainted the whole toilet.  Is Fizzy Bubblech.You'll get used to it, relax.  I don't wanna get used to it.My car couldn't.  - All right, that's it for me. I'm done.- What! What!  Is everything all right!  - Is it about the pee-pee!- Stop it.  - The pee-pee!- He can't do with his peepeechosetz.  Really!He's usually as hard as trigonometry.  - Mom. What...!- When did this happen!  The last few days.  Of course. It's ever sinceyou went out with that Dalia.  Your hog is telling you something.She must be the one.  The one!  Is this possible!  Of course it's possible, man.  All the beaverim in the worldand he falls for Palestinian muffich.  Why should Scrappy careif she's Palestinian!  He's from Australia and Tibet.He's not Israeli.  - No, no, no.- Oh, no, no, no.  Exactly.  What was that, a motor boat!  You know, Scrappy...  ...a special woman is specialno matter where she's from.  Listen to your hog.  Someone special.  Maybe is good.  It's good! It's terrific!  I mean, you know,you guys won't be together anymore...  ...but Scrappy is in love.That's great, awesome.  Thank you for your support.  - Is a good boy.- Good boy.  This is fun. Let's celebrate.Where's the cat!  Let's cat-sack, huh! Throw it to me.  - Got you.- Let's play, man.  Take it, Michael.  Look at you.  I wanna try it.  Is good.  Welcome to Hezbollah phone line.  For membership information,press one.  For negotiation update, press two.  For bonus mile information,press three.  For terrorist supplies, press four.  We have currently suspendedour terrorist supply service...  ... as we are engagedin negotiations with Israel.  We will resume service as soon asnegotiations break down. Thank you.  Great.  Come on. Just think of a bomb.  They say you can make bomb fromeveryday's material. You combine.  Yes, okay.But what we combination!  Just think of chemicals.  Chemicals, like in science class.  Yes.  Who remembers this stuff!  Hello.  Well, can I help you fellasfind anything!  Yes, do you have...  ..."liquid nitrogen."  You need what!  Liquid nitrogen.  Yeah. Well, I supposewe have some of that.  Now, just a moment.  - This is it!- Yes, and that's the large container.  This works!  Oh, it works quite well. Yes.  You use!  From time to time. Sure.  We'll take 12.  Look, you can turn off the water...  ...but we will find a wayto keep on going.  Oh, you like when I spray you,Mrs. Skitzer!  Where's the $ 14,000!  I have your rent right here.There is no getting rid of me.  We don't wanna get rid of you.  Mr. Walbridge would actually like torelocate your salon in our new mall.  You mean the one you want to destroythis community to build!  It is not our intentto destroy this community.  I'll take the community, Pancake.  My name is Gray, and I'll be back.  Nice to meet you, Pancake.  Why Pancake!  Just for fun.  You were amazing right there.  Oh, my God.  What!  I have one.  What!  I have zikpah.  Look at it.  It is you.  Dalia, I don't know how to tell you this.I cannot make sticky with anyone else.  You are the special one.  I will only be stiff for you.  Who is Steve!  Stiff, with an F.  - Stiff. Stiff.- Yes.  Okay...  ...I know you meant thatin a good way...  The best of ways.  - so thank you.  Thank you.  Is crazy.  This has never happened.  One woman...  ...one zikpah...  ...one life.  You see his face!Scared Israeli son of bitch.  Salim, this is not bomb.  What you mean "not bomb"!  It's grade A liquid nitrogen.  Guys, I really need to go home.  Inaz have a soccer matchin the morning.  - I am hero.- Salim, this not bomb. It just go:  Well, just go with it.  I scraped some off the window.  Maybe you know what is!  It's Neosporin, it's nothing.I use it for cuts and genital sores.  We're beginning to thinkmaybe someone out to get the Zo...  The Scrappy.  You mean like a competing salon!That's heavy.  Don't be afraid, honey.Don't be afraid.  Well, I...  Yeah, lick this.No, she likes the tongue in the ear.  Oh, I like that bet... Oh, I like that.  Close with the brenski.  Come on, get some salivaon those bad boys.  - She likes it, huh!- Of course she likes it.  Okay.  I could look for clues. It's my shiftfor community night watch.  The what!The communism tight crotch!  Oh, it's the communitynight watch program.  You know, people in the neighborhoodpatrolling it, keeping it safe.  We kick some ass.  Hey, why don't you let Scrappy Cocotake your shift tonight!  - I bet he'd be good at this.- Oori.  What! For clues.  I know it sounds scary, Scrappy,but you are gonna be just fine.  Maybe I can manage one night.  Maybe you can pretzel some people.  - Thank you for getting the hummus.- The hummus.  Where's Patches!  Patches.  I'm terrified right now.I'm totally terrified.  "Shitting my pants"doesn't come close.  I wish I was shitting my pants.  It's just a patrol.  What if something goes down!  I don't know if I'd have the courage.  What if something goes downand someone got killed!  I would have to live with that.I'd be happier shitting my pants.  Much happier.  - Let's go.- We're supposed to call the police.  No. No time.  No, no. No. It's good.  Drop the paint.  Get out of here, Ahab,or I'll cut your eyes out.  - Maybe we should let him finish.- No, no, no.  What you cut my eyes out with!The Neosporin!  My blade, camel jockey.  My friend, the beating I give youif you stop the spraying...  ...is much less than the beatingI give you if you try to cut me.  What are you laughing at!  That was just with everyone.  They had it coming to them, right!  Yeah. Yeah, it seemed like it. Yeah.  - Okay, you take it from here.- I got it.  Everything's gonna be okay.  What you gotta say about that, huh!  You're telling meour guys can't handle...  ...some neighborhoodnight-watching losers!  We can't even put a scareinto these people!  The main guy who got in the way...  ...is the same one who's bringingold biddies into Rafaela Salon.  My aunt goes there.  She says besides the sex,the guy gives a pretty good haircut.  Don't talk to me about that dump.  I've got a huge,classy hotel standing there...  ...and it's staringat that cheap garbage.  I want it staring at the Supercuts.  Now, has anyone made any headwaywith any of these foreign people!  I spoke to the manager of GoingOut Of Business again yesterday.  I stated our priceand the urgency of the matter...  ...and he offered me two-thirds lessand a Toshiba DVD player.  The people at Everything Must Gowere just as difficult.  They offered me a Blu-ray discand a jar of hummus.  What's hummus!  It's a very tasty...  ...diarrhea-like substance.  Grant Walbridge has a vision.  A vision for Lower Manhattanto have the first indoor mall...  ...with its own 300-footroller coaster.  You know, you're lucky I havea world-class superhot girlfriend...  ...with a perfectly proportionedass-to-breast ratio...  ...or I'd be furious.  She is smoking, sir.  I'd payto spend an hour with her, sir.  Let me in on that.  Well, thank you.  But if you bitchescan't get those people out...  ...I will find other peoplewho will get the job done.  However, whenever.  Walbridge!  This is where I find them.  But I don't know if it's same peoplewho try to Neosporin salon.  But you caught them writing this crap,so, what do you do!  - You don't mess with the Zohan.- Check it.  - Disco.- Disco.  - Good.- Good.  Why did you do thisto Naseef's store, huh!  Why you blame the Israelis!  We come to work,go out of business.  No, no, no.Is not Israeli who do this.  I do community watch.Don't worry, it's all taken care of.  Not Israeli! Who else would write"Arab go home"!  Oh, I don't know,just maybe 99 percent of the world.  - You see what he says!- That was joke.  Come on, come on.You guys get along here, stop this.  Yeah, here it's okay. It's just there,the war is never going to end.  You know, we were so close to peacebefore the asshole shot Rabin.  Bush, he see the big picture.  Bush no want peace,he set it all back.  What about Bush's wife!This is a wife I would get sticky with.  I would do this. I would do this.  - Yes, yes.- What about Clinton! I would do Hillary.  The big legs.  Yeah, she look strict,like she's going to teach me a lesson.  - Yes, discipline.- You know what's funny!  I like Chelsea.  You're crazy.  She has beautiful legs.  If I want legs, I'll take Obama's wife.She has legs.  This is what happenswhen they talk politics.  No, no, no, wife of McCain!  She has the ass,and you know she's not getting any.

[autistic-echo]

had a mostly joke of a thought that twn could cast rhys darby to play regis but i will he honest the more i think about it the more i like it