#he said some years ago he loves Beyoncé songs

[shedontlovehuhself]

Misha using a Beyoncé song for his post about Vegas. Knew he was 🐝🐝

[e-dubbc11]

Crazy in Love

Photos are not mine. They are courtesy of Pinterest/Google.

Pairing: Billy Russo x F! Reader

Warnings: Some swear words, mentions of verbal abuse, fluffy bunnies and unicorns, and some physical violence

Word Count: 5.8k-ish

Summary: It’s Valentine’s Day and Billy has already spoiled you rotten and made plans to take you out for a nice dinner. But a run in with an ex boyfriend stirs up some old painful memories and lands Billy in a little bit of trouble.

A/N: This is part of the February writing challenge that my lovelies over on the Thirsty for Cox server decided to do. The prompt was “Well…I did not picture spending my Valentine’s Day in jail.” I had a lot of fun writing this, it seemed like a good one. I did write a part 2 for this which hopefully will be out tomorrow, February 16. Oh, yes the title is a Beyoncé song but I used the Sofia Karlberg version for this.

As always, thank you for reading!  I appreciate it so much and comments, reblogs are welcome and encouraged. Don’t be shy to tell me your favorite part. 💕💕 💕

The essence of rose saturated the apartment, the bouquets were everywhere, red ones, pink ones, yellow ones, white ones, and even purple ones.

He had told you the purple ones meant “love at first sight,” Billy Russo was such a smooth talker, the velvet tone to his voice was soft yet assertive and gave you butterflies every time. “That’s how I felt when I first saw you. At least, I think it was. I never had those feelings before…about anyone.” He had said. It was love at first sight for you too when you met him a few years ago, right around Valentine’s Day.

***************

After finally getting the call that you landed the job, your friends decided they wanted to take you out to celebrate. Dinner first, then they took you for a few drinks at a local bar close to the restaurant which is where he first laid eyes on you.

Coming in from the cold, he saw that your cheeks were flushed and your nose was red like it had been pinched by Jack Frost but your smile lit up the entire room. Billy couldn’t take his eyes off of you, he studied you carefully but quickly turned away when you would look in his direction.

You swore you could feel someone staring at you but a quick glance around the bar made you think maybe you were wrong, there wasn’t anyone looking at you…or so you thought.

You noticed him too, the charcoal gray suit, burgundy tie, but his eyes are what pulled you towards him like a magnet. They looked like endless pools of black ink. A pair of eyes you could get lost in.

And his smile, you don’t think you’ve ever seen a more perfect smile to go along with his handsome face. He was probably the most handsome man you had ever seen but completely out of your league…again, so you thought.

Just like he studied your movements, you studied his. The way his long willowy fingers wrapped around the beer bottle he was drinking from, the way he narrowed his eyes slightly as he listened intently to his friends telling a story, or when you would catch a phrase or two escape his lips. A hint of a New York accent combined with the sarcastic comments, he was a man after your own heart. It was…love at first sight.

As much as he was trying to pay attention to his friends, Billy was trying to listen in on your conversations. Mostly, he was listening to your laugh, it made him smile, watching the way you would throw your head back in a fit of laughter and not hold back.

Your whole body smiled when you laughed and he loved nothing more than to watch you wipe the tears out of your eyes when something made you laugh extra hard. Love at first sight indeed.

In between stories from his friends, he observed one of your friends had given you a small heart shaped lollipop. A “small congratulatory gift for getting that new job you wanted so much” he heard your friend say. After thanking her, you placed the lollipop in the back pocket of your jeans and forgot about it. That’s when Billy made his move.

Out of the corner of your eye, you watched him get up from his table and start to walk towards the bar to retrieve another drink, he thought you were even more beautiful up close. While you were talking, he had positioned himself in between you and another person at the bar, your body pulled forward slightly away from the back of the chair while talking to your friend.

You knew he was there, your cheeks suddenly felt warm and a knot had formed in your stomach. He let out a long exhale after taking the last sip of his beer, his breath traveled down the back of your neck and goosebumps erupted all over your body.

That’s when you felt it. The lollipop that you had forgotten about was being pulled from your pocket, slowly, carefully making sure he didn’t touch anything except that lollipop. With your eyes closed, you took a deep breath and turned around in your chair. The wrapper was discarded on the bar, you turned around just in time to see him place the lollipop in his mouth, and extend his hand to introduce himself.

“Billy Russo.” The tone of his voice was warm and low but full of confidence.

You swallowed hard and felt a slight tingle in your core. Just his voice alone did that to you, it sent shivers down your spine and caused your hands to shake slightly. But somehow you managed to just give him a sly smile, not letting him know you were nervous, and extend your hand to shake his.

“Y/f/n Y/l/n.” You said to him. “And that was my lollipop.”

He cracked a smile and the ice was broken.

The two of you spent the rest of the night making each other laugh, trading sarcastic remarks, staring into each other’s eyes, and Billy making any man that even looked in your direction wish they hadn’t.

You hadn’t even been out on a date with Billy Russo yet before he showed you how jealous he could get, how protective he could be, more like overprotective. It was a desire he had, to show every man close by that you were spoken for, that you were his, and to show they dare not touch what was his.

Billy told you he didn’t really “do” dancing but a slow song came on the jukebox, Crazy in Love by Sofia Karlberg, and you just needed to have his hands on you, holding onto you. Billy held you close, his hand encased over yours against his chest, while his friends and your friends had conversations all around you. Instead of his long, slender fingers being wrapped around a beer bottle, they were tightly wrapped around you and he didn’t want to let you go…ever.

'Cause I know I don't understand. Just how your love can do what no one else can. Got me lookin' so crazy right now. Your touch's got me lookin' so crazy right now

Your kiss's got me hoping you save me right now. Lookin' so crazy, your love's got me lookin'. Got me lookin' so crazy in love

You didn’t want to let him go either but when you finally did, he didn’t waste any time asking to take you out on a proper date. The following weekend happened to be Valentine’s Day but you said no to a date ON Valentine’s Day.

There was just too much pressure for THAT day so you put it off for a week, instead opting for a coffee date before the formal one. You never looked back after that, and although it had been tough going sometimes, Billy Russo was the man for you.

***************

Billy always tried to outdo himself every year for Valentine’s Day or any special occasion, really. That was why you were sitting in the middle of your shared apartment, surrounded by bouquets of beautiful roses.

You had stopped counting them after the flower delivery service brought in the tenth bouquet, it was a bit excessive but it brought a smile to your face anyway. “He really knows how to make me feel special.” You said to yourself as you picked up your phone to call him at work.

He picked up on the first ring, Billy Russo was not a patient man. “Hey there, sweet girl.”

A smile tugged at your lips at hearing his pet name for you. “Billy, they’re SO beautiful!” You exclaimed as you bit down on your bottom lip.

“I’m glad you like them, my love.” He said.

“Like them? Billy, I love them! Thank you.” You excitedly said into the phone.

Billy chuckled a little. “Well I’m just getting started, baby. You don’t think the flowers are your only present, do you?”

You looked around the apartment at all of the bouquets of roses, all of these must have cost him a small fortune. “Oh…Billy, no that’s too much. The flowers are plenty.”

“I’ll be home around 6 to pick you up for dinner, ok?” He said, completely ignoring the fact that you said you didn’t need another gift.

Billy didn’t say where he was taking you, only telling you that it was “nice.”

“Ok, handsome. I’ll see you at 6—I love you.” You said with a smile.

You could tell he was smiling on the other end. “I love you too, beautiful.” And he hung up.

Making sure you were home in plenty of time to get ready for your evening out, you had left work early and arrived home just in time for your flower delivery. Billy knew exactly what time you would be coming home, he planned this like he planned everything else.

You knew he would probably come home bearing more gifts, even though you told him it wasn’t necessary. Billy didn’t really show his softer side to many people, to everyone else he was a marine, a scout sniper, a CEO…a leader. But to you, he was sweet and charming, a doting and loving boyfriend who would do absolutely anything for you.

Always in charge, he made sure he never showed weakness, appeared defenseless or powerless. It was a strange feeling for him, that feeling of love when it’s something that he’s never experienced. “Am I doing this right?” He would ask himself. “Can she tell that I’ve never done this before?” And “I’m just protecting her.”

The urge to keep you close to him at all times was intense, it was borderline too much but he loved you and even though he couldn’t always say how he was feeling, he tried to show it. You were his weakness.

Billy could stay calm in almost any situation, he never cracked under pressure except when it came to you, he felt like it was his duty to protect and defend you anytime the universe told him he had to. Tonight would end up being one of those times.

First came the flowers, then the balloons that spelled out “I Love You” were delivered, followed by the chocolate covered strawberries. They came with a note from Billy “Enjoy them, beautiful. But don’t spoil your dinner. Love, Billy.” You could only shake your head and smile reading the note, it all felt like a fairy tale.

***************

He always made you feel so loved, although at times you had to remind him he didn’t have to try so hard. It didn’t always have to be about gifts and fancy restaurants, sometimes coffee and a doughnut says “I love you” just as much as a designer bag or a new necklace does.

The gifts were especially extravagant after a fight or one of his fits of jealousy. Billy didn’t really know how to just say “I’m sorry,” or how to admit he was jealous, possessive at times, or overprotective.

He would just shut down and leave, only to return later with a little blue box or flowers. When you would tell him you didn’t want them, he would get angry. He didn’t know what to do so it just made him frustrated with himself.

“I don’t know what you want from me, y/n!!” He had shouted.

All you had wanted was an apology, to have his arms draped around you and to say “I’m sorry, my love. I’m sorry.”

“I want you to tell me that you’re sorry, Billy! Gifts can’t tell me that you’re sorry, YOU need to tell me that! You can’t just fly off the handle every time a guy looks at me in a way you don’t like!” You told him.

His dark chocolate like eyes quickly changed from angry to sad, he didn’t know what to say, it was just so hard for him because he’s always kept everything buried deep down inside, hidden away from everyone, hidden from the world. No one had ever taught him how to love.

“It’s hard for me y/n. Do you understand how hard this is for me?! I don’t know how to do this!” With his head buried in his hands, he paused, the look of guilt had washed over him and it made your heart hurt to watch the agony he must be in because he couldn’t say exactly what he wanted to.

The silence was excruciating but he finally pulled you in close, his body felt warm, and your shoulders relaxed as he brushed his hands up and down your back, whispering over and over again “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry.”

These were the times Billy needed reassurance. He needed to be told you loved him and “I’m still here, Billy. I’m not going anywhere.” But you urged him to try to communicate with his words how he was feeling, no matter how difficult it was.

“I really need you to try, Billy. Please? Can you do that for me?” You pleaded.

He brushed his knuckles over your cheek and leaned forward to kiss you. The energy behind the kiss was passionate and full of love, he loved you with everything he had, and he truly was sorry. He would try harder.

That was then, but it was getting easier for him now, especially with your help. He felt like he could do anything as long as he had you by his side, helping him to learn about what it all means, about what had eluded him for all these years…love.

***************

Always on time, Billy arrived home promptly at 6, threw his keys on the table and called out for you.

“Baby? Where are ya? Are ya ready for din—ho-ly shit.” Billy started to say as you walked out from the bedroom in your black cocktail dress. The deep V and puffed sleeves were sexy without being too much.

It was difficult to surprise him but you had managed to sneak the dress home without him seeing it before tonight.

A slight smile stretched across your face as Billy continued to stare at you, his jaw practically on the floor as you said “Welcome home, my love. What’s wrong? Is there something on my dress?” You gave him a slow turn all the way around so he could take in ALL of you, biting down on your lower lip as you teased him. You knew exactly what you were doing.

As you finished turning around, Billy was right there, his hands swiftly cupped your face and he brushed a stray hair away from your eyes. “You look—so beautiful. Maybe I should just have you for dinner.” He started to kiss up and down your neck. It turned you on.

As much as you wanted that, you said “Come on, Mr. Russo. You promised me a nice dinner, so let’s go. You can enjoy your dessert later.” You smacked him on his ass, gave him a wink, and grabbed your clutch and your coat.

Billy couldn’t keep his hands off of you, from the elevator ride down to the lobby, in the car on your way to the restaurant, and even at the bar while you waited for your table.

And now that the date was finally here, he mentioned that it took him a couple of months to get a reservation there. It was a beautiful Italian restaurant called Scarpetta on Madison Avenue.

“You didn’t have to do this, Billy. I would have been happy if you brought home Chinese food.” You said.

He kissed you on the forehead. “It’s a special night, baby. I wanted to take you some place really nice.”

A flash of heat burned through you as he smiled a slightly wicked smile at you. You weren’t sure you deserved to be spoiled like this but you let him because Billy always did what he wanted to anyway.

“Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight, princess?” He asked.

You continued to blush as the hostess led you to your corner table. “Not in the last ten minutes, baby.”

You continued walking towards your table, and even in the low warm glow of the restaurant lights, you recognized him as you sat down. The smile faded from your face and without warning, you felt a tightness in your shoulders.

Your ex—Eric was seated at a table not too far from yours. He looked the same, the woman he was with was wearing a ring, and he was too. He was married. Better her than you, that’s for sure.

Billy could tell something was bothering you. “Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked.

“Hmmm? Oh nothing. Everything’s fine, Billy.” You lied, glancing down at the menu in front of you.

He knew you were lying, he tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes at you. “Y/n, come on, what is it? What’s wrong?”

You came clean. “Ok, you see that guy across from us? Sitting with the blonde.” You turned away as Billy turned and glanced towards Eric’s table.

He rotated back towards you. “The guy with the big ears? Yeah, what about him?”

You let out a slight cackle and gently elbowed him in the ribs. “Y-yes, the guy with the big ears. Stop making me laugh like that, this is a nice place. Anyway, that’s my ex.”

You shuddered slightly, as Billy took your hand in his. “His back is towards us, my love. It’s ok, I’m here.” He had a worried look in his eyes when he noticed how nervous you were. “My god, what did he do to you?” Billy gnashed his teeth and his eyes glazed over darker than they were before glaring in the direction of Eric’s table.

You took your hand back, placed them both on Billy’s face, and brushed his beard with your thumbs. You knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with an answer of “I don’t wanna talk about it.” So you gave him an answer that was the truth but generic.

“Billy…” You paused, closed your eyes briefly and let out a long exhale. “Let’s just say he didn’t treat me very well and was—“ You were scared to say the next part out loud in fear of what Billy might do. “He was very—verbally abusive, degrading, and made me feel terrible about myself. And he…he scared me sometimes.”

Billy tightly gripped the cloth napkin in his hand, the whites on his knuckles noticeable as you looked down at his shaking hands. White, hot anger displayed all over his face, as you tried to calm him down.

“Hey, hey Billy look at me please. I don’t want to do this here, ok? I want to have a nice romantic dinner with you and then go home so you can rip this dress off and kiss every inch of my body, ok?” You had a feeling that might calm him down.

Billy let go of the napkin, his expression softened and he chuckled a little. He pulled you closer so your thigh was touching his, Billy always felt better when his body was touching yours in some way.

Without another word about it, Billy leaned closer to kiss you, forced the server to wait while he did then ordered you both a glass of red wine and the creamy polenta to start with.

Dinner conversation was a combination of funny and extra funny. Billy told you some old stories of his days in the marines, stuff that he and Frank would get up to on down time. They sounded like quite the duo and it was so nice to see Billy laugh reminiscing about the fun times he had in the marines and not worrying about your ex who was only a couple tables away.

You both traded work stories, laughed with each other like you were the only two people in that restaurant, he just couldn’t take his eyes off of you, and the two of you were having a really nice time. At one point during one of Billy’s stories, you let out a laugh that caught the attention of your ex.

His ears perked up like he recognized your laugh, Eric’s head swiveled in the direction of where your laugh came from and out of the corner of your eye, you noticed he was getting up and walking towards your table.

Oh shit.

Billy could see that your expression had hardened, your whole body had tensed, and you had his hand under the table in a death grip. The very sight of Eric so close to you made you feel like retching and wanting to punch him right in the face. Billy was trying to calm you down as he whispered in your ear “I’m right here, baby.” And he tenderly kissed your temple.

Eric stopped in front of your table, you and Billy were staring up at him with slight disdain written all over your faces. “Wow, y/n! It’s been awhile. I recognize that laugh anywhere.”

Sitting up straight and trying to smile, you responded. “Uh, yes it has Eric. Yes it has.” You turned towards Billy to introduce him. “Eric, this is my boyfriend Billy Russo.” Billy stood up to shake Eric’s hand, narrowed his eyes at him and squeezed his hand to the point where it probably was quite painful.

“Nice to meet you, Billy. That’s a nice suit.” He paused so he could look Billy up and down, like he was sizing him up and turned his gaze back to you. "Oh I’m married now, yeah.” He pointed to the ring on his finger. “That’s my wife, Laura over there.” Eric pointed towards his table.

You put on a fake smile. “That’s great, Eric. I’m happy for you. I’d really like to get back to my dinner now though, if you don’t mind.”

With a shocked look on his face, Eric said “Oh! Right, absolutely. My apologies, I’ll let you get back to your dinner, it was nice meeting you, Bill. And it was really nice to see you again, y/n.”

All you could manage to say was “Thank you.” And he walked back to his table.

Your entire body had seized seeing Eric again but having Billy next to you, holding your hand, made it easier for you and he helped to calm and soothe you so you could get back to enjoying your night out.

Carrying on with your dinner, you didn’t notice that Eric had gotten up to presumably use the restroom but Billy did, so he kissed you on the forehead and excused himself.

Billy wasn’t sure what he was going to do, maybe he wouldn’t even do anything but it didn’t mean he wasn’t prepared. Billy was a very good judge of character, he had a theory and wanted to test it out.

“But Billy, your food. I don’t want it to get cold.” You said.

He smiled slyly at you. “I’ll be right back, baby.” He said, and then he was gone.

You shrugged your shoulders slightly, took a sip of your wine, and continued to eat your dinner before looking straight ahead, noticing that Eric was not at his table. “Oh fuck…Billy. What are you doing?” You whispered to yourself out loud, almost choking on your wine.

Inside the restroom, Billy exited the stall and started to wash his hands, when Eric slid in beside him and started washing his hands also. He looked over at Billy. “Heyyyy, Billy Russo, right?”

“You’ve got a good memory.” Billy said sarcastically, rolling his eyes slightly.

Eric reached over with his wet hands and put one on Billy’s shoulder, drenching his white dress shirt. “Ya, know…you sure do have quite a grip there, Bill. You squeezed my hand pretty hard.” He said as he put pressure on Billy’s shoulder. “I’m glad I ran into you again. I wanted to tell you that Y/n is lookin’ reeeeeally good.”

There it is. Billy had a feeling if the opportunity presented itself, Eric would try and provoke him.

Billy was starting to get angry, it infuriated him at the very mention of your name coming from that asshole’s mouth but he tried to keep his cool. “Eric…Take your hand off me. NOW.”

Eric didn’t listen, he did have more to say, however. “I’m sure she told you alllllll about me, didn’t she?” He had a smug look on his face as he continued. “I’m sure she told you all about how mean I was to her, and yeah sure I called her names sometimes but for the most part I treated her pretty well. She just sat back and took it, I kept her in her place.”

Billy made a fist as he glared at Eric in the reflection of the mirror, he could feel his blood start to boil as Eric continued to talk about you.

“I will say, she was always a little firecracker in bed. One of the best lays I’ve ever had. That’s probably why you keep her around, am I right?” He smirked.

“No. I’m with her because I LOVE her.” Billy said curtly. His patience wearing thin.

Still, Billy kept calm even though he was shaking with rage as he tried to walk away. Eric followed him out of the men’s room, grabbed Billy’s shoulder and spun him around so they were nose to nose. “She is lookin’ really good though. What do ya say, Bill? How ‘bout you let me hit that one more time—“

Billy cracked, this guy said the one thing that made him forget all about trying to keep calm and not fly off the handle. It all went out the window when Eric made that comment.

Acting like he was going to walk away, Billy then drew back and punched Eric so hard in the face that one of his teeth came flying out of his mouth. Another punch to the stomach and to the face, Billy couldn’t stop, pretty soon Eric’s entire face was bloody.

As you continued to eat, you heard commotion coming from around the corner. People were leaving their tables to see what was going on, then came the screams and the sounds of broken dishes. You didn’t need to see what was going on, you knew Billy was involved somehow. There was no need to get up and look, you would find out soon enough.

After the screams and shrieks died down, the hostess came to your table.

“Uh, miss? I am very sorry to tell you but, Mr. Russo has been arrested.” She said while you happened to notice another hostess telling Eric’s wife, what you imagine was, the same thing.

You were shocked but not really and a little embarrassed. “What?!!” But you collected yourself and stayed calm. “Well ok, do you mind if I finish my dinner first before I leave to go get him?” You asked, feeling all of the stares from strangers pointing in your direction.

You could tell the hostess felt a little bad for you. “Absolutely, miss. Is there anything else I can do for you?” She asked.

“Would you box up his food for me and I’ll take a piece of the Valrhona chocolate cake to go, please?” You said.

Your server wrapped up Billy’s food and you enjoyed the rest of your Valentine’s Day dinner alone before going to bail him out of jail.

When you arrived at the police station, they took you to Billy’s holding cell where he didn’t notice you at first. He was leaning up against the bars with his eyes closed, small spatters of blood were sprinkled on his shirt and it looked like he had a small cut on his lip, Eric must have hit him at least once.

“Hey there, Rocky.” You gave him a half smile.

Opening his eyes, Billy looked happy to see you but his face had “sorry” written all over it. “Baby, I am SO sorry. I just—he pushed and pushed—and what he said. I wasn’t gonna let him talk about you like that—“ He said.

You interrupted him. “What did he say, Billy?”

“I don’t wanna tell you.” He said shaking his head.

“I wanna know what he said that made you that upset. I saw his face, Billy. You beat him pretty badly.” You told him.

Billy hung his head in shame. “He said that you always were a little firecracker in bed, one of the best lays he’s ever had. Then asked me if—if I’d let him ‘hit that’ one more time and I don’t remember much after that.”

You felt violated in a way, closed your body off from Billy by wrapping your arms around yourself and looking away from him, disgusted with Eric talking about intimate details of your relationship.

“I tried not letting him get to me, I tried walking away but when he said that—“ Billy violently shook his head back and forth. “I just couldn’t let him get away with it. I snapped—I’m sorry, my love.”

What Billy didn’t know was there was someone else in the restroom at the time Eric was provoking him. He told the owner of the restaurant and the police that he was surprised Billy didn’t punch him sooner than he did.

The restaurant wasn’t pressing charges and after the witness told the police what Eric had said and how he kept provoking Billy, he declined to press charges also so Billy was free to go.

“Well…I did not picture spending my Valentine’s Day in jail.” You said.

He extended his arms and reached out for you to pull you close to the bars. “Well, my love if you wanna get technical, I’M the one that’s in jail.”

You let out a little laugh. “This is true.”

Billy suddenly had a confused look on his face. “Hang on…did you stay and finish your dinner before coming here?” He asked, holding up a one finger to playfully scold you a little.

You knew he was joking with you so you scolded him back in a lighthearted tone. “I had to pay for it anyway Billy so yes, I enjoyed my food while it was hot! Don’t worry, I had them wrap yours.” You shook the bag in front of his nose. “I got a piece of chocolate cake for you too, even though I’m not sure you deserve it.” You said with a wink.

Billy’s eyes widened. “I said I was sorry, baby! Wait. Did—did you say chocolate cake?”

The man’s sweet tooth was insatiable.

“Oh you are gonna have to earn this chocolate cake, Billy Russo!” You snapped. “And you owe me for having to pay for my own Valentine’s Day dinner!”

But your expression softened, and you remembered that Billy apologized without being prompted to do so. It was the first thing he said when he saw you, he was getting better at communicating, so he was trying harder even though he still lost his temper.

What happened wasn’t about him this time though. It wasn’t about him being jealous, it was about defending you, wanting to protect you so that Eric couldn’t hurt you or say anything about you that would upset you.

You pulled back away from the bars and removed your phone from your clutch.

“Anything you want, sweet girl.” He said. “Wait, what are you doing?”

“Well first, I’m taking your picture to send to Frank. He’s gonna get a kick outta this.” You started to laugh, Billy wasn’t really amused but he cracked a smile anyway. You always seemed to be able to pull a smile from him even when he didn’t want to.

Slowly, you walked towards him. Reaching through the bars, you snaked your arms around his waist and tried to kiss him as best as you could without the bars getting in the way.

“Thank you, Billy.” You said.

With a surprised look on his face, he replied “For what? For getting thrown in jail and ruining our Valentine’s Day?” He asked, his voice still apologetic for what he had done.

“Well besides that…even though it may not look like it, you did show a lot of restraint tonight. Eric pushed you too far and I bet he’ll think twice before running his mouth about anyone else like that ever again. And you didn’t ruin my Valentine’s Day, Billy—the day isn’t over yet, my love. Let’s go home.” You said as the two of you exchanged smiles through the bars of the jail cell.

When you arrived at home, you told Billy he owed you a dance. You knew it wasn’t something he was very fond of doing but he did say you could have whatever you wanted plus he still had to earn that chocolate cake. The song starts.

I look and stare so deep in your eyes. I touch on you more and more every time. When you leave I'm beggin' you not to go. Call your name two, three times in a row

Billy smiled warmly at you and extended his hand for you to take it and pulled you flush against his chest as you moved together slowly to the music. He held your hand in his over his heart as he kissed the top of your head, just like he had done the night you met.

Such a funny thing for me to try to explain. How I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame, yeah. 'Cause I know I don't understand. Just how your love can do what no one else can

He danced with you anytime you asked him to, albeit reluctantly, he did it because he loved you. He knew how much you loved that song and he would never do it for anyone else.

“I still have one more present for you, my love.” He whispered to you as the music continued.

Your kiss's got me hoping you save me right now. Lookin' so crazy, your love's got me lookin'. Got me lookin' so crazy in love

You hummed into his chest, your eyes closed, and a wide smile spread across your face. “Hmmmmm…Oh yeah? Well I’m enjoying just listening to your heart beat right now, handsome.” You pulled away gently to look into his deep brown eyes as you said “How about you give it to me tomorrow.”

He looked down at you and kissed you on the forehead. “Whatever you want, beautiful. I love you.”

“I love you too, Billy.” You said as you finished the dance in the warm glow of the candlelight and the city lights outside, shining brightly through your living room window.

Billy would never let anyone say anything malicious about you, the woman he treasured, the woman that taught him the real meaning of love. Billy Russo never failed to show you how deep his love was for you, so if slow dancing with you in the living room was what you wanted from him, then he would happily do that until you told him to stop or until his very last breath, whichever came first.

Tag List: @mindidjarin @saintmurd0ck @wheresthesunshinesblog @rafaelakelley @idaoftheburningmind @snowkestrel @xdervyxccgh @mattmurdocksscars @fakehappy27 @music-indie-tv @fictional-hooman @kayhi808 @munsonownsmyass @gijos @celestialams @idek-what-to-put @anastasianeedstoread @ariesbutalibra

TFC Ladies: @itwasthereaminuteago @thisishellfire @officialjanetsnakehole

If you’d like to be added to (or removed from) my tag list for the ever so handsome Billy Russo, just let me know and thank you again for reading! 💕💕💕

[jackalsinthekitchen]

pop report #8 (today's top hits, 9/24/24)

today's top twenty – short n' salty

A whole Brat Summer has come and gone since we last left off. I tumbled belatedly down Charli’s rabbit hole in January, when I was looking for something to flatter a high, and she ended up blowing my world apart. I’d slept on her a decade ago, when she was both sugar and spice – everything nice, really – in hits which have aged varying degrees of well. Yet her 2015 union with PC Music was what put the form to her urge to soundscape – unlike the DMT-addled Todd Rundgren of fifty years ago, of whom she’s a fan, she’s nothing if not collaborative. When I first played brat, besotted as any sane person would be by the effervescent “360”, I found its music too metallic and its melodies overly astringent. Mea culpa – now no less an authority than our next president [knock, knock] has validated her cultural primacy.

So you won’t catch me complaining anymore – it couldn’t have happened to a more visionary icon. But of course, the year belongs to neither Charli, nor the victor in the battle of the quarter-century (not talking about Beyoncé v. Swift, who I think it’s safe to say overdid themselves into a draw this time out). Armed with little more than a wand, a rabbit, and a kabuki-meets-Cyndi Lauper aesthetic, the Midwest Princess finally completed her year-long rise this fall. Meanwhile, in Chappell’s shadow, the Last Straight Femme has put a bow on a fascinating saga that kicked off with “Drivers License”, while Olivia takes sour selfies abroad. And the season of the sticks is long over, with the cabal of bros who once threatened to turn 2024 into the Year of the Dude proving one-hit wonders – or if not one, at least a lot less than F-1 trillion.

But the bro atop half of Today’s Top Hit, Bruno Mars, is a different breed altogether – like his duet partner, one L. Gaga, a star so massive he’s transcended this plane, if not the material world. The languidly soulful waltz “Die with a Smile” sounds to me like an AI dream about “Beautiful Things” being less annoying, and as with everything else America can’t stop listening to (including “Beautiful Things”), someday soon I’m sure I’ll love it. But it still turns on vocals which grind into sincerity, yielding more sawdust than sparks, and presumably won’t unite a wedding dancefloor like “Uptown Funk” or “Bad Romance” ages from now. I suppose each artist thought they had to remind us that they were alive, and forgive my cynicism that the song is doing so well on branding power alone (well, and maybe those outfits).

Tate McRae is another one who feels greedier for the public than vice versa, but it’s ok – “It’s ok I’m ok” is a bit more than OK, the rapid-fire rap hook and sudden wash of synth atmospherics disrupting its relative self-repetition. It's another one that promises to grow over a slow fade; I’d say pop hits are fading slower than ever, but really, it’s always been this way. It does boast some brevity, said to be the soul of something in limited currency – its brisk two and a half minutes feel closer to 75 seconds. Lasting as long is #3, a single about lingering, Short n’ Sweet (ha)’s attention-seizing opener “Taste”. Whereas Olivia’s overtures to authenticity made her so compelling, Sabrina leans into the prefab, and it’s fab every time, fam. Its throwback feel is one of its chiefest virtues – it’s a dead ringer for the Divinvyls, and who doesn't dig the Divinyvls?

The fun of Chappell Roan is which of her big hits you can’t escape at any given moment – only “Pink Pony Club”, which is basically a standard now, is falling behind the rest of the pack. #4 on today’s TTH is “Good Luck, Babe”, its chorus such a pristine flourish of frosting it’s always good for getting through, coming out or kissing off. It’s the first in a trio of queer victories down the list, followed by Charli’s zero-melody banger “Guess”, feat. Billie E, whose subsequently-slotted “Birds of a Feather” is to “we can’t be friends” (#21) as Sour is to Short n’ Sweet. Here’s a girl who writes like she earned both her Oscars. This sapphic streak goes up in flames with the Weeknd, a painfully-straight whose strongest hits sound super gay anyway. After The Idol, the flames are all he can dance in.

#s 8-12 are five stalwart inescapables – that me espresso, H-O-T-T-O-G-O, J.J. Abrams’ nepo baby keenly cornering the “wounded submissive with an acoustic guitar” half of the Taylor Swift market (her vocals softening Olivia’s bratty diction with Billie’s volume control – “I Love You, I’m Sorry”, not as good as “Risk” but still good), Hozier cornering the Adam Levine market (it’s not my aphrodisiac, but the sky still splits open at that wailing instrumental break), errybody in the bahr gittin’ tyup-seh. Then the crisp, honeyed “Apple”, one of a handful of excellent hooks (not to mention lyrics) I missed like a dumb bitch when I was being a brat about brat. Benson Boone’s “Slow it Down” (no one asked you to, BB) sounds extra hoary directly after – though yet again, he builds up to something more worth your while than you expect from the first minute.

Depending on how you look at it, no two bros need more or less help than Post Malone and Morgan Wallen. But for their stab at the song of the summer – per Billboard, it worked – six additional bros lent a hand (though, credit where due, one of them is named Ashley). “I Had Some Help” is solid, and as with all decent-plus generic pop hits gets better or worse depending on the weather in your town or head. Still, the main takeaway is that both men would love to be Sabrina Carpenter, if not Chappell Roan. Next in line is the only member of the Tortured Poets’ Department that doesn’t sound asleep, "I Can Do it With a Broken Heart", a missile aimed directly under Joe Alwyn’s skin – the same summer the latter decided it would be a canny career move to play a rapist in Yorgos Lanthimos’ hasty surrender of his newly-acquired feminist cred.

After Tommy “Temporarily” Richman’s programmatic percolator “Million Dollar Baby” – his album will be called Coyote, though he might’ve just as easily gone with I, Robot – comes a new one for the stomp-clappers Noah Kahan pulled out of the woodwork: Myles Smith’s “Stargazing”. Anyone who’s ever wondered what Chris Martin would sound like fronting Mumford & Sons will be free to turn their attention elsewhere. Then there’s an arresting little club-designed mystery I haven’t heard before – “Move”, by two white guys (Adam Port and Stryv) and a Black vocalist (Malachiii) gently cashing in on a bourgeoning Afrobeats bubble (on this hemisphere, anyway – it’s an embarrassment of riches on the other). It’s a big hit in Belgium, Switzerland, the Netherlands, and Austria – shades of ABBA, who never crossed the color line in their lives.

I’d call #20 the secret song of the summer – while many of us are feeling hot to go and so Julia, there are still plenty of shitty vibes to go around, not to mention shitty men (this writer included). Justice doesn’t get more poetic than “Please Please Please” hitting the top in a surging crop of penis-pop. While Sabrina’s triumphs are often trifles, “Please” nails an almost unprecedented level of sexual-politics profundity without a speck of strain or waste (I’d be shocked if it featured more than three instruments). Sure, Olivia’s righteous rage always hits like a tonic, but something about Carpenter’s straight-to-the-point disappointment feels a great deal more potent. Imagine if Lesley Gore, not to mention Aretha Franklin, had had “I beg you, don’t embarrass me motherfucker” at their disposal. Even then, neither would’ve delivered that last word with the same score-settling perfection. Morgan Wallen and Post Malone will always have some help. 2024’s pop queens don’t need any.

[jiminiesfreckles27]

I posted 17,699 times in 2022

18 posts created (0%)

17,681 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@jeonjcngkook

@yooboobies

@jung-koook

@spaceguylewis

@poweredbycreativityandcake

I tagged 17,681 of my posts in 2022

#yoongi - 2,823 posts

#jimin - 2,735 posts

#bun - 2,161 posts

#hobi - 1,273 posts

#tae - 1,207 posts

#my love - 1,131 posts

#joon - 1,032 posts

#my jin feels - 971 posts

#bts - 667 posts

#yoonmin - 286 posts

Longest Tag: 149 characters

#or what nasty things i say aboht him lololololol 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥💦💦💦💦💦💦💍💍💍💍💍💍👅👅👅👅👅👅💋💋💋💋💋💦💦💦💦💦🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💦💦💦💦💦

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

This or that

Tag game!

I was tagged by @hannahbee12719 and I was delighted bc I love these games

Highlight the one you like!

hot shower or cold shower // texting or calling // earbuds or headphones // paperback or hardcover // matte or gel // 12 hour clock or 24 hour clock // blue or green // sunsets or sunrises // tulips or orchids // candle light or moonlight // sci-fi or horror // pen or pencil // pandas or koalas // gold or silver // sneakers or boots // denim jacket or leather jacket // pink or purple // chocolate or sour candy // deodorant or perfume // drive-in movie theater or the cinema (but only when it’s cold ❄️) // pastel colors or neutral earth tones // lemonade or fruit juice // past or future //

Tagging @ginnyweatherby @astarprince @gently-fading-grace and whoever else wants to 💜

3 notes - Posted July 22, 2022

#4

I have a random question. When you reblogged pictures of Anthony Perkins and said they looked like someone named Eddie were you talking about Eddie Kaspbrak? Because I just had a random memory of reading It by Stephen king (my favorite book) were that is mentioned. If not please excuse my randomness. 🤣

It was eddie kaspbrak!! I was in the IT fandom for like two years and I will love him for the rest of my life! And yeah as soon as I thought that I was like oh duh he even said it in the book. I’m glad to meet a fellow Eddie lover!!

3 notes - Posted July 11, 2022

#3

Tag game: playlist 🎶

You can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. Put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs then tag ten people! No skipping!

thank you @honeyboysvga for tagging me! 💜💜💜 these are from my Jimin playlist lol

1. Coffee by Kelly Rowland

2. Head Over Heels by Tears for Fears

3. Stuck With U by Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber

4. Say Something by Kylie Minogue

5. Black Velvet by Alannah Miles

6. Get Into It (Yuh) by Doja Cat

7. Crazy in Love by Beyoncé

8. Crazy for You by Madonna

9. Lick by Shenseea and Megan Thee Stallion

10. What That Mouth Do by BigKlit

Tagging @sharkbait-o-haha @ginnyweatherby @astarprince @jhopegrandma and anyone else who wants to!

4 notes - Posted March 4, 2022

#2

Just saw in the tags you’re going to a SKZ concert! I hope you have an amazing time! I was at day 2 in Newark and it’s one of my top 3 concert experiences ever 😍

Ahhhhh thank you!!!!! I just got into them a couple months ago and I LOVE them I’m so excited to see them!!!!! I’ll tell you all about it! 🥹💚

7 notes - Posted July 1, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Tag game!!

Using your spotify top 100 playlist, shuffle 10 songs and tag 10 people.

I was tagged by @jiminsproof, thank you! I love tag games

1. Daechwita by Agust D

2. So Far Away by Agust D

3. Lonely St. by Stray Kids

4. Waiting for Us by Stray Kids

5. Girl of My Dreams by Juice WRLD and SUGA

6. Telepathy by BTS

7. Can’t Do Better- by Kim Petra’s

8. Lavender Haze by Taylor Swift

9. That That by PSY and SUGA

10. Go Go by BTS

Tagging some mutuals! 💜💜💜

@ginnyweatherby @astarprince @gently-fading-grace @beeloved @jhopegrandma @cherrimins @kooberrypie @rohsy @yoonstudios @chimivx

10 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[whatqueen-wildcats]

Answer the evens for the music ask 🤪

Here u go finally hahaha

2: A song you like with a number in the title

6/10 - dodie

4: A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

Sweater weather - the neighborhood

6: A song that makes you want to dance

Beyoncé RENAISSANCE, just all of it lol listened to it a lot this past summer

8: A song about drugs or alcohol

Idk uhh Juice - Lizzo also a very dance-able choice

10: A song that makes you sad

Wolves - Jensen McRae

Don't think I've ever heard this song without crying

12: A song from your preteen years

Stars - Switchfoot (any early sf qualifies tbh, but got to dance and scream to this one live last year with a couple of fellow ex-youth group queers in one of the weirdest and most healing concert experiences I've had yet lmao)

14: A song that you would love played at your wedding

I Wanna Dance with Somebody - Whitney Houston haha every time I hear this song I just picture the reception dancing and singing along with a room full of people I love and my brand new spouse and it being such a moment of joy

I don't have super significant ones I want for ceremony or first dance or whatever cause i feel that's very dependent on the relationship, but this tune is a Must at some point on the dance floor

16: One of your favorite classical songs

Mmmm idk which individual piece would be my fave but i do love to listen to Chopin (To be a bit pedantic, he's a Romantic period composer, not properly Classical period, but in the Colloquial Sense of Classical it counts 🤣)

18: A song from the year that you were born

*hastily googles songs released in 1994*

Basket Case - Green Day

Very strong memories of hearing it for the first time about 10 years after its release from my cousins shiny new mp3 player and being SUPER jealous

20: A song that has many meanings to you

Twenties - Semler

Always a bit of a mindfuck to listen to honestly -- lmao press X to skip this monolog but please do listen to the song, it's excellent.

cause I so easily could have (and indeed for most of my life thought I was going to) follow the path of the ex-friend in the song, the good Christian girl just looking for any nice guy to settle down with and meet all those traditional expectations... it's what I thought I wanted. I'm sure if the first boy I wound up dating had actually been a good person and didn't fully shatter my entire already-fragile sense of self, I would've stayed on that path for decades and a couple of kids before even getting close to figuring out why I was so miserable. It's all I knew. And I think of all the people I know who did take that path, the friends i grew up with and no longer speak to... the repetition of the line "how long will you live until your life is your own?" I think of my mother and grandmothers. I hope they're all happier than I would have been had I stayed. I think of all the ways I still people please, and think with gratitude for all the ways I no longer do. I could go on but I won't lol.

22: A song that moves you forward

Idk what exactly this is even supposed to mean? Like, motivates me? Gives me hope? Who knows but youre getting

City - Thao & The Get Down Stay Down

24: A song by a band you wish were still together

tbh I can't think of one? I'm sure there are some, but several that I would've said a few years ago have either come back already or I no longer care for them lol. And of course there's plenty of Before My Time bands that would've been cool to be around for but feel like that's not the point of this question.

Idk, what keeps coming to mind is Foo Fighters - they aren't actually broken up but Taylor Hawkins, their drummer, passed suddenly last year. For the song I'll pick "But, Honestly"

26: A song that makes you want to fall in love

So maaannyyyyyyyyyyyyyy ughgh

If We Were Vampires - Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit

Makes me absolutely SICK that I haven't met the love of my life yet and every day that passes is one less that I get to spend with them in this mortal existence 😫

Addendum: I've taken so long to finish answering these that I've found a new answer in the meantime that I'd like to share, Kevin Atwater, several of his songs apply, but going with My Blood is Your Blood *foaming at the mouth*

28: A song by an artist with a voice that you love

Probably the best and most ENCHANTING voice I've had the joy of getting to hear live so far in my life is Florence Welch of F+TM, I'll pick the song Cassandra

30: A song that reminds you of yourself

Okay this would be SO EASY but i really don't wanna pick a sad or self-deprecating song. Those have their time and place but I'm practicing them not being my default lol.

Gonna answer with one that, maybe doesn't exactly *remind* me of myself? but helps me embrace myself: Hit or Miss - Odetta

Thank you, as always, for facilitating my long-winded nonsense! 💖

[astranva]

OK IVE HAD SO MANY IDEAS OF PE READER AND QUESTIONS TOO BECAHSE I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT HER SO HERE IT IS:

She proabably has so many conspiracy theories about her being apart of the illuminati that some people start to believe it

She had her fredom stolen from her because of fame and she tries her best to protect her family from that

She is so envied that big household names HATE HER

She faced so much critisism and shes tired of it

She has many song written about her: desprate song, them wishing just 1 night with her, sad song about her not giving them a chance, mesmarising song about how beautiful she is and how she seems like a siren in their eyes, rap song about how they're like yn ln and the other person is... idk... ana?😭

Big celebrities like the weeknd, harry styles etc... have a big crush on her and their fans hate on her😭 but then they realise that they would never have a chance against yn ln and start to post themselfs and her with the song 'heather' 😓

Now my questions🤗

How was she as a teenager? Was she popular or not?

Has she ever lashed out at someone on television or on social media?

Have big celebrities said that they're fans of hers? Like big BIG names: rihanna, beyonce, naomi cambell, angelina joile and idk why but i see cristiano ronaldo or neymar having a crush on her

Has she ever been on a animated show as herself? Like family guy or scooby doo?

Has she ever rejected someone publicly and people could tell whats going on?

Ok thats it😊😊😊

you’re so adorable! i love all these theories!

But in a way, i don’t imagine the weeknd’s, harry’s (or more) fans hating her because she’s such an icon so abel and harry having a crush on her isn’t weird because they’re two of many, many people. it’s sort of a natural thing for people and celebrities to have her as a celebrity crush.

to answer your questions:

1. yes, she was popular as a teenager. sure she was a spy kid, was Sam in A Cinderella Story, voiced Violet in The Incredibles when she was 13 to 16, but her breakthrough came from her role in V for Vendetta when she was only 17 and established her place as an actress with potential and range.

Following that were her roles as a lead in The Devil Wears Prada and Atonement, both iconic, must-watch movies. so she was pretty established then.

she was media trained for sure but she’s never been a wild teenager and i imagine it was her mom and theatre friends who always kept her grounded and in check. i think she’s mostly always been an introvert as well.

2. no, i don’t imagine so. there were times when she showed that questions shocked her (that were either sexist or sexual) and at first, when she was younger, she’d get very nervous but as she grew, she put people in their places so elegantly even though it’d humiliate them and surely give them a bad rep.

3. literally all of these. she’s friends with rihanna and i imagine her modelling for fenty beauty one time (maybe for fenty’s red lipstick) where it was a shoot of her and rihanna. she has such a good, unproblematic reputation among these people so they can’t really help but love her. whenever she sees beyoncé, they’re always so excited and always talk and people have a field day over “the two queens of both industry casually talking”.

omg imagine she attended a world cup match years ago and neymar was a nervous wreck and then later said in an interview that he was about to die when she greeted him.

4. i think we once said we imagine her being in The Simpsons and was in a Scooby Doo episode!

5. so many people, most recent being Drake who was presenting an award on stage and was like “Y/N Y/L/N, you’re looking so beautiful tonight” and she just smiled and wasn’t at all fazed or reactive and people all were like “there’s no way drake just tried to shoot his shot at y/n y/l/n who’s not only out of his league but is also married”

[phoenixrising0308]

Prince Charming (2): Glitter in the air

#Day 16 Glitter

A/N: set 4 years after “And along came Polly” and in an open match world. Liam is a teacher (who isn’t open about his royalty status) Liam’s mother’s name is Lily.} 

Pencil Chronicle Theme(s): Cinnamon roll hero- Bonus trope collection Pencil Chronicle Prompt(s): “I feel God in this chili tonight.” and “I am Beyoncé, always.” - The Office collection “I like good strong words that mean something.” - Little Women Collection Additional Prompt(s) - #’s 12,13,31 and Location Prompts #67 and #26 

Disclaimer

Words according to this blogger: Dulce means sweet in Spanish. 

Triggers: None 

Chapter Song inspiration: Glitter in the air - P!nk 

Word count: 4,000 *As always, forgive my typos and grammatical errors.*

Wednesday

Chili’s

He took a sip from his drink and slammed the table, and said, “WHOA! I feel God in this chili tonight.” and he burped loudly, “Are you having a great time?”

Jessica looked at her match date and kicked herself for being talked into the “Bargain Bin Match Bogo sale.” The Matchmaking service called “Eros 2.0” was owned by former interns of the disbanded ‘Eros’ matchmaking service; the rumor was they were always offering matches at half the price of their competitors by using discontinued or destroyed matches whose parts were broken down and put in other matches to repurpose for sale. Tonight’s candidate for Eros 2.0 was candidate #348 and went by the name Dames Elvin Rosario’s.

Jessica found him absolutely obnoxious, but she was also upset that he was designed based on her preferences. She asked for a friendly and quiet place that offered Chilean sea bass on their menu; instead, she found herself at a loud restaurant with several TVs with the occasional “Happy Birthday song from the Chili’s crew.” And instead of Chilean Sea Bass, she found Chili’s original Chili on the menu.

The waitress walked over and handed Dames the bill. He said, “Jess, you got this, right? I forgot my wallet, and it’s not payday.”

Jessica sighed. “Sure.” ‘How many frogs do you have to kiss…like he isn’t even like a real guy. Fix your life, Jess; just fix it. I’m getting a refund.’

“You’re driving me home, right? I want to say keep the windows up. You know stomach ain’t right.”

4 blocks away … Michael's craft store

His basket was full, but there was something he was looking for. He needed pink glitter. Pink was the class color this month. Tomorrow he would have all his students make a class art submission for ‘World Art Day’ It was also a monthly class pet day. He knew he would regret having to give his Corgi Chance five doggie baths to get the glitter off him but seeing their smiling faces would be all he needed for him to make it worth it.

Liam Rhys was everything you could imagine a Pre-K teacher to be kind, patient, and understanding. He gave up his Central Park Penthouse in favor of being closer to his job and just closed on a Williamsburg Brownstone two months ago. Riding his bike around the neighborhood, he discovered a tiny little bakery called ‘Dulce’ he loved some of the Latin inspired flavors; it reminded him of places he went to when he studied abroad in college he spoke the language fluently, and every summer for the last four years he volunteered at privately funded foundation called ‘Teach beyond limits where he traveled to help support other schools summer enrichment programs. Last summer, he spent time in Puerto Rico. He decided to spend Christmas break with a few friends and a local Christmas eggnog drink called Cocoquito. When he saw a twinkie inspired by it in the window, he had to try it.

Now, this little bakery would be his go-to place once a week on Fridays. He would stop in, and he would treat himself to a Dulce de leche Apple Turnover. As it turns out, the owner was the mother of Chance’s favorite student, Paloma Bianca Walker. Her classmates would call her Polly. Last week, her mother Emily asked a few personal questions he was happy to answer, thinking that she wanted to know a loyal customer better. Still, he also made sure to be vague for a few personal reasons as well as professional.

Friday

Jessica spent the night crying, upset that apparently Riley Brooks was now starting a family with her former fiancé and former FDNY Paramedic turned Physical Therapist, Rafael Aveiro showed up on her people you might know feed, and she combed through his pictures. They seemed happy; meanwhile, Jessica was stuck. She didn’t want him back, but she questioned why karma hadn’t gotten to him; four years later, she was still alone and still very much wanting to share her life with someone but pretended not to care. April 16th was her deceased parents’ wedding anniversary, and being lonely hit her the hardest, so she made sure to take off.

Jessica was given strict orders by Drake to be at ‘Dulce’ at 7:45 AM to take Polly to school. He needed to be at one police plaza for a meeting, and Emily was opening up the bakery. It was now 8:10 AM., and Polly started at 8:30AM.

Jessica finally made it double-parked her car.

“Titi (Aunt) Jessie!”

“Hey there, my beautiful girl.”

Polly looked excited as she said, “Chance day.”

“Who is Chance?”

“Chance is the class pet! He’s a Corgi”

“Oh, that’s fun!” Jessica replied.

Emily said, “But thanks for doing this for us, Jessica.”

“No problem. I’m off; Drake is handling city hall; he knows I hate working on this day. Besides, you have the bakery. And Sue across the street, that rotten recipe stealing-”

Emily cut Jessica off and said, “PIKACHU. Sue is a recipe stealing Pikachu.”

“Yeh, she’s a Pikachu, alright.”

Emily walked over and said, “Chance is waiting!” Emily followed and took a look at Jessica’s outfit choice.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re a lovable mess.” Emily quickly took the pen out of Jessica’s hair, and it fell down below her shoulders. “You never know. Take off that purple sweater.” Emily mumbled before saying, “Paloma, take Titi Jessie’s sweater.”

Polly took Jessica’s sweater.

“Maybe you will bump into Prince Charming in a parking lot?”

Jessica scoffed, “Prince Charming… is stuck in traffic.”

Inside Jessica’s Escalade

Jessica and Polly were singing the little mermaid score as she got ready to merge into the lane to give the go-ahead from the other. Suddenly, the car sped up and cut them off, as Jessica was about to merge.

She honked the horn and pulled her window down, “YOU FUCKING FUCK FACE ASSHOLE! You couldn’t wait for your fucken turn!”

“Oh, bad, bad words.”

“Oh, POLLY, well, sometimes when you don’t wait your turn, someone has to tell you didn’t do the right thing, and Mr. The Honda Accord was really mean. Maybe and just maybe he won’t do that again because it um… It hurt my feelings, and I yelled.” Jessica tried rationalizing as the Honda drove slower than molasses in front of them.

“OH MY GOD, FUCKING FUCK FACE ASSHOLE! ! Why cut in front of my car if you’re going to move like a damn tourist,” Jessica growled before clearing her throat. “Sorry, he hurt my feelings again.”

Polly looked intrigued, “Ooh, okay.” She replied as they drove.

‘FUCK, I’m gonna get so much shit over being late. They gave me these official plates for my personal vehicle for a reason.’ Jessica put her NYPD Police lights on her dashboard, turned on her sirens, and then got on her speaker.

“This is an official Police vehicle giving a lawful order to yield right of way to the Ford Escalade behind you.”

Most Holy Trinity Elementary - Pre-K: Room 1

Polly could barely contain her excitement as they all lined up to see Chance. The 4-year-old thought it was the best thing ever that she had been looking forward to all week. Just when it was almost her turn, another preschooler cut her off in line.

“Hey!”

The boy stuck his tongue out at her, and Polly felt her anger boiling. ‘

‘Hurt my feelings.’

“YOU FUCKING FUCK FACE ASSHOLE!”

Every student gasped, and Liam blinked in surprise. “Polly. That is not a nice word. Well, that whole sentence was unkind.” He told her as she crossed her arms with a pout.

“Gavin was mean!”

Liam nodded and crouched down to both their levels. “Gavin, you have to wait your turn. That is not fair or nice. Polly, just because our feelings are hurt doesn’t mean we can use bad words like that to hurt other people, Okay? Next time, come get me.”

Both kids looked to the ground, “Sorry…”

“Now, let’s sing a song about our feelings, okay?”

Liam walked over to his mother’s guitar and picked it up, and began to play a few cords as he softly sang to his class as they waited for their turns to play with Chance.

Liam asked Polly privately.” Now, where did you hear that word from?”

Polly didn’t even think twice. “Titi Jess.”

“Thank you, Polly.”

Afternoon dismissal

“Hi, I’m here to pick up Paloma Walker.”

The secretary said, “Oh, she is with her teacher. They are in Prek-4, room one. It’s down the hall to your left.”

Jessica walked down the hall with her purple sweater. ‘I don’t care if it’s homey. It’s comfortable.’ The minute she walked in and saw him, she felt a faint blush warm her cheeks. ‘Polly’s teacher looks like that!? OMG, the glasses and suspenders well bend me over a desk.’ Jessica thought as the tall, blonde, handsome, big-built man with blue eyes looked played with Polly and Chance. Jessica ran into the hallway and took off the sweater and returned and shoved the ugly sweater behind herself on a desk.

Liam seemed to stare at her longer than intended before he shook himself and smiled. He extended his hand, “Are you, Mrs. Jessica Garcia?” ‘Please be a Miss.’ He secretly thought.

Jessica took a sweeping look at Liam and bit her lip. ‘My name is Jessica, but you can call me yours.’

“Uh, yeah!… Well, it’s Miss” She tried leveling her voice, “I’m Polly’s Aunt. Godmother. A close friend of her parents. Whatever you want to call it.” She gave a nervous laugh as she rambled.

Liam extended his hand and she took it.

‘God, you’re hands are huge. This could only mean one thing: you have a big crayon, and I would love to scribble with you. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Wipe the smirk off your face.’ She cursed inwardly. She smiled.

Liam held her hand longer than a typical handshake. ‘I am, covered in pink glitter. My— God. You are beautiful; I would tell you every morning if you woke up next to me. Wait, I’m still holding your hand. Liam let it go.’ He released her hand and cleared his throat.

“I’m Mr. Rhys; you can call me Liam. I’m Paloma’s teacher.”

‘Also VERY single AND very interested.’

“But before you go, I actually feel I need to bring up something Polly said.”

Liam thought, ‘Gavin is a fucken fuck face. He is rude to everyone and just a complete brat. Is it wrong to be glad she told him off so I could meet you?’

Jessica frowned, “Oh?” ‘I really could just listen to you talk for hours. I bet you are good with kids. I will have ALL your babies…want to start tonight?’

“See…Another student cut in front of her to see Chance and Polly said a string of very creative profanity.” ‘I’d also like to say I can get lost in those brown eyes, and all is forgiven, Love. Love the nickname suits you. Let me whisper it in your ear while you sleep.’

Jessica nervously bit her lip and thought inwardly, ‘Oh Squirtle! I mean, oh shit! Now, you want to curse in Pokémon? You just made Polly that kid. Drake is going to be so mad at me FUCK. I’m still going over your house for the Yankee game fuck that.’

“Oh, I am so sorry about that. Mr. Walker really should watch what he says around her. It’s the job that takes its toll on you in many ways.”

Liam raised a brow with an amused look. “Oh, is that so? Because I heard something about her Titi saying it. Wonder if perhaps her Titi might consider another manner to express her disappointment.”

‘I would love to give you ideas over dinner. But if you would like to just be on time out under me, that can be arranged.’

Jessica gave Polly a look as Polly was oblivious while playing with Chance. Jessica smiled back at Liam.

“Well, I mean-I promise, I’ll talk to her about it.” ‘I’m torn between being angry at her for snitching or getting her a happy meal and doing a kiddie interrogation for intel.’

“It’s alright. Kids are like sponges at this age. It was very creative, though.” He chuckled, and Jessica chuckled as well.

“Yeah, you get creative in traffic.”

There was a bit of silence as they both smiled at each other.

Liam thought, ‘Can I ask her out? Is that allowed? I can’t even remember the last time I felt like this…Which is never.’

Jessica thought, ‘Does he like to read them stories? Look around the room, be cool; wait, guitar? Just take my panties.’

They both cleared the silence with a small laugh as Jessica said, “Well, I guess we better go. Come on, Polly.”

Liam wanted to frown but forced himself not to. ‘I don’t want you to leave. I want to know everything there is to know about you. Do you like French toast? Do you like coffee or tea? How many kids do you want? Do you love to dance? Ever been to Cordonia? I kinda have to do this thing. What are your thoughts on marriage?’

Polly sighed, “Ookkaay… By Chance, Bye Mr. R.!”

Jessica saw her sweater on the desk and walked past it. ‘Cinderella didn’t look back, so I’m not.’

He waved, “Goodbye, Polly.” Chance sat next to Liam as he watched Jessica and Polly leave the classroom. He looked down at Chance by his leg and smiled, then said, “…AND that’s how I met your mother on a sunny April afternoon covered in glitter. You’re a good boy, Chance; you are a very good boy indeed.”

In the parking lot

“Chicky nuggie?”

“Abso-fucken-lutely.” Jessica slapped her thigh, annoyed at herself for the slip-up. “Well, if I can get in a corner with Mr. Rhys, I will die happy, so there is that.”

“I’m telling Daddy!”

“Polly… Do you want to go to ‘Its Sugar’? I will let you buy whatever you want. They have a five-pound gummy bear with your name on it. We can keep it in my house.”

Back in the classroom

Liam sighed to himself as he cleaned up the room. ‘I hope she comes around more…God, you should have just asked her.’

He looked at the purple sweater and grabbed it. “WELL wouldn’t be the first time a prince brought something back to its owner.” He stared down at the sweater, smelling lavender vanilla on it. “I love Vanilla.”

Jessica’s Loft Intercom

Liam held the purple sweater in his hand, “I can do this. It’s not weird. So, she is Polly’s Aunt. I can ask her out. She gets to know the real Liam.”

Liam buzzed the apartment.

Jessica answered, “Hi, can I help you?”

“Um… Hi, Ms. Garcia. You left a purple sweater in my classroom. I hope you don’t mind. I asked Mrs. Walker if I could have your address to bring it to you.”

“Thank you, I will be right down.”

Inside Jessica’s loft

Jessica felt her heart flutter as she rushed to the bedroom and looked all over her apartment for an outfit and decided on her perfect black skinny jeans with a wine-colored top. She looked at herself in the mirror and fidgeted with her hair and shirt, and said, “I am Beyoncé, always. Beyoncé is flawless.” She accepted it and made her way downstairs going.

Jessica opened her apartment building door, “Thanks.” She smiled. Liam handed her the sweater, and their eyes met, their hands barely touching.

‘Do it. Take this chance. Don’t let yourself wake up tomorrow regretting not knowing what could have been.’

Liam took a deep breath and said, “I also wanted to deliver it in person because I was hoping you would be interested in going out with me. It’s Friday, and I’m sure you have other commitments -”

Jessica beamed, “No, I don’t. What did you have in mind?

“Stargazing on a beach, you aren’t too far from the beach, I believe.

Jessica felt butterflies in her stomach. ‘It sure beats an Astros - Yankee game…sorry, Drake.’

She faltered, “Well, it’s a private section. So they write us a ticket. I bet I can get us out of it.”

Liam smiled. ‘I own the section. It was where my mother took my father. Before the start of his season.”

“I have a particular attachment to its namesake. Don’t worry, I’m sure we can avoid tickets.”

Jessica enthusiastically nodded, “Uh, can I go get changed real fast?”

‘You look perfect as is. ‘

“Of course, I’ll wait.”

Once the door closed, Jessica practically skipped back to her apartment to get a jacket for the evening and but on a pair of sneakers. Liam grinned to himself as he hummed the class song for the week ‘If you’re happy and you know it.’

Pebble Beach - Lily Cove

“I thought this was nice and quiet. I hope you don’t mind.”

Jessica saw the stars barely forming as the sun started to set. Orange light reflected off the water and gave them both a golden glow. It was so peaceful.

Jessica smiled, “No, it’s perfect here.”

Liam took out a messenger he packed with a beach towel and fanned it out in the air; they could see specks of glitter release themselves from the blanket as they looked up. It almost seemed magical.

“…Is that glitter?” She smiled as she watched it twinkle in the air and landed on her.

“Yes, and we are totally covered in it. I’m so sorry. I had my students make an art project for ‘World Art Day.’”

“Well, Mr. R., you really are like a dream teacher.”

“Thank you that is very kind of you. But I’m hoping that despite all the glitter I just got on you, maybe you would think I’m an even better date.”

They laid the blanket down and sat across from each other. “A picnic?”

“Sort of. I wasn’t sure if I made it to you by the time, you would have eaten, so I packed something for us to snack on. “

‘Us. I like the sound of that.’ Liam thought to himself as he gave Jessica a warm smile. He began to unpack the impromptu picnic French bread, baked brie with honey and walnuts, and a nicely boxed cupcake.

Jessica raised a brow, “Is that from…”

“Yes. Emily made us a ‘date’ cupcake. Lemon, lavender rosewater cupcake.”

“That is gorgeous,” Jessica said, looking at the beautifully decorated cupcake.

“It is. But the cupcake is second to you.” Liam said, looking at Jessica sweetly.

Jessica blushed and averted Liam’s gaze, “Thank you.” She changed the topic with a smile. “So, you teach Pre-K?”

Liam smiled. “Yes. Yes, I do. It is the best job I’ve had so far. I volunteered at a foundation to did pro bono work, and one of the teachers at the school told me there was an opening, and I should consider it.”

“I love that. It’s just nice to give back. Work is where you spend most of your time if you’re unhappy, and you can …Change.”

Liam smiled knowingly, “I was a corporate attorney for a few years, and I worked long hours… I was so unhappy, Jessica. I just felt there was something I was more suited for. I wanted to travel again like I did in college.”

“You can call me Jessie if you want. That’s what my friends call me.”

Liam smiled, “I’m sorry, being formal is just a thing I naturally do. May I call you Jess?”

“Sure.”

“Jess, tell me about yourself. What is your heart’s desire?”

90 minutes later…

The conversation flowed easily between them. Jessica muttered, “Una Estrella fugaz” (A shooting star)

Liam responded,“Cuando ves una estrella fugaz, tienes que pedir un deseo.” (When you see a shooting star, you have to make a wish)

“You speak Spanish?” Jessica asked.

“Yes. I learned when I traveled.”

Jessica said as she gave him a glowing smile. “Cerrar los ojos y pedir un deseo” (close your eyes and make a wish)

They closed their eyes, and Jessica reached for Liam’s hand, and he grabbed it; they both squeezed each other’s hands as they made their wish quietly in their heads.

‘I wish for more nights like this with Liam.’

‘I wish for more nights like this with Jess.’

Liam smiled and asked, “Ready for that cupcake?”

“Sure.”

Liam carefully unwrapped the cupcake and held it in his hand. “I forgot to bring something to cut this in half with.” He held the cupcake to Jessica’s lips, “Here, you take a bite.”

Jessica closed her eyes and bit into the soft, moist cupcake, and let out a little moan. “Gosh, that’s so good.” Jessica took the cupcake out of Liam’s hand and said, “Your turn.”

Jessica’s Apartment

“Liam, I had a really great night.”

“I did too.”

“Jess, text me when you get home safe, okay?”

Jessica smiled at his consideration of her. It sadly wasn’t often a man did that on first dates. “Sure, I’d like that.” She bit her lip as Liam leaned over the door frame towering over her. “How tall are you, Jess?”

“Liam, I’m 4’11.”

‘I love the way she says my name. I SO want to kiss her. I think I’m in Love. Here goes nothing.”

“So, this is that awkward part where we stand there just wondering. I would like not to wonder.” He noticed she got on her toes too, and instantly he felt her heart melt, and then he gently lifted her chin.

Pressed his lips to hers. He could still taste the buttercream frosting from their shared cupcake. Their tongues coiled and mingled, finding the perfect rhythm that sent shivers up their spine. That moment they connected, and the hustle and bustle of city life paused, and their wildest dreams felt possible, and they were falling for each other.

He rested his head on hers. “I had a really great night.”

“Me too,” Jessica murmured, feeling like it was the date she always dreamed of with a man that felt like a fairytale.

Jessica stepped away and entered her apartment and A few minutes later, she texted Liam. ‘Thank you for a great time. I hope we can do it again.”

She noticed the message was received, so she decided to change and get ready for bed.

Two hours later …

Liam didn’t respond. She sighed. I like good strong words that mean something. I believe he meant them. So relax, Jess, maybe he is asleep.’

Meanwhile, outside of Jessica’s apartment

Liam found himself returning after taking a quick shower. He didn’t want his night to end. Never feeling like he connected to anyone the way he did with her. He thought it was silly and that she might find it odd. He texted, “It’s me, Liam. Jess, I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Jessica: I can’t stop thinking about you either.

Liam: Do you want to watch the sunrise with me?

Jessica: Yes. Yes. I do. Um, I have a rooftop garden. Want to come here?

Liam: I would love that.

Jessica: You know the way?

Liam: Yes.

Jessica: Call me when you get here so I can buzz you in.

Liam: Okay.

Jessica’s phone rang, and she answered, “Liam.”

“Hey, I’ve been outside your apartment for about an hour. I just never really felt like this before about someone. I didn’t want the night to end.”

Jessica’s rooftop garden 4:42 AM - Saturday

Liam and Jessica sat there holding warm mugs of coffee wrapped in a blanket and watched the sunrise, and she dreaded him leaving shortly after, so she cuddled close to him.

“Liam, can I make you French toast after this?”

“I love French toast.” ‘Your one I have been waiting my whole life for.’ He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and touched her nose gently with his thumb.

“You still have glitter on you.”

6 hours later…

Liam’s Brownstone

Liam smiled as he opened up his apartment door. He was on cloud nine. He couldn’t wait for their second date. He was already planning it in his mind.

When he walked in, he was surprised to see someone sitting on his couch.

“Hey, little brother.”

“Leo, what are you doing here?”

Originally published on 4.15.21 and transitioned to this URL on 7.2.21 by the original author. -J

[path-of-my-childhood]

Taylor Swift: Pop Star of the Year

By: Jonathan Dean for The Sunday Times Date: December 27th 2020

Rather than hunker down, the singer put out two albums in 2020 and won over new audiences. She’s the pop star of the year.

Taylor Swift met Paul McCartney in the autumn for a big interview in Rolling Stone. The two would have headlined Glastonbury this summer. Who knows if they will do that next year. Anyway, both recorded albums in lockdown, working from home like the rest of us. When they spoke, though, Swift had a secret. As well as Folklore, released in July, she had a follow-up record in the pipeline — Evermore, which was released this month.

Swift noted that the former Beatle was still so full of joy. “Well, we’re just so lucky, aren’t we?” he said. “We’re really lucky,” Swift replied. “I can’t believe it’s my job.” And she is right. Being a pop star is an extraordinary way to earn the living she does. But rather than accepting luxury and letting this tough year tumble on, Swift is also keenly aware what music means. Sad songs soothe, happy songs make us dance, but as fans of most artists waited for something — anything — this year, this 31-year-old released two albums that broke chart records, were critically adored and introduced her to people who once thought that she wasn’t for them.

“I’m so exhausted!” she said to the American chat show host Jimmy Kimmel, laughing, a few weeks ago, when asked if she had a third new album planned. “I have nothing left.” In addition to Folklore and Evermore, she filmed a TV special and even started rerecording her back catalogue, after a volatile dispute over who owns her work. By October I’d just about cobbled together my first sourdough loaf.

A decade ago Swift moved firmly into the limelight thanks to a squabble with Kanye West entirely of the rapper’s own making. In 2009, when Swift — then a nascent country music star — won the best female video award at the VMAs, West stormed on stage, grabbed her microphone and said that Beyoncé should have won. Swift was 19 — West was 32 — and she looked scared. This wasn’t just about her biggest moment yet being stolen, but also about her position in the pop hierarchy being questioned, very publicly, from the off. She stood there as that man bullied her. Apparently she left the stage in tears.

Years later West released Famous, with its infamous lyric “I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex/ Why? I made that bitch famous.” The alt-folk singer Father John Misty also wrote about sleeping with her. Every time that sort of thing happened, a powerful man in Swift’s industry was reducing a successful, talented, younger female to the level of a sex object. It was back-in-your-box belittling — as it was when a TV host groped her. (She successfully sued him.) While Swift herself would retort to West, as her music became less country, more slick pop, such retorts felt forced and gave the rapper too much of her oxygen. A nod to him on Folklore comes with the “Clowns to the West” line, but it is a sideshow now, not a headline.

Not that Swift’s life is entirely her own. She’s been one of the world’s bestselling female artists for a decade, coupled with curiosities such as a well-orchestrated relationship with Tom Hiddleston that kept her in the spotlight. Like many twentysomethings, Swift spent her youth apolitically, only to receive flak for staying silent during the 2016 US election. This year she endorsed Joe Biden, but what if she had wanted to stay quiet? Would the media have let her? She is under so much scrutiny that, after she made an innocuous hand gesture in a recent TV interview, similar to one women make to draw attention to domestic abuse, this headline ran: “Some people think Taylor Swift is secretly asking for help in her latest interview.”

Like many at the start of the pandemic she felt listless. The world we were used to was a wasteland, and we could only find the energy to watch Normal People. Swift’s ennui, though, was, well, swift. Stuck in LA, she emailed Aaron Dessner of the beloved beardy indie band the National to see if he fancied writing with her. No fool, Dessner said yes and, mere weeks later, the duo — with help from Swift’s regular collaborator Jack Antonoff as well as Justin Vernon, from the beloved beardy indie band Bon Iver — released Folklore. The gang just carried on working and, five months later, gave us Evermore.

Creativity is not on tap. Indeed, this year is not one for judging what others may or not have achieved. However, the silence of many big pop stars is striking because they know that even a single would make someone’s day; distract for a while.

Everyone needed to adjust to working from home, but Swift was one of the only musicians who did and, by eschewing the arena pop of recent albums for something more subdued, organic and folky, she gave the sense that she was letting fans in more than ever. She was at home, like us. This is who she is, and the first single from these sessions was so cosy, it was even called Cardigan.

“I just thought, ‘There are no rules any more,’” she told McCartney. “Because I used to put all these parameters on myself, like, ‘How will this song sound in a stadium?’ If you take away the parameters, what do you make? I guess Folklore.”

Maybe it is tedious, for a deft writer with a career of varied, brilliant songs — Love Story, I Knew You Were Trouble, Blank Space — to find respect from some people only when artists who appeal to middle-aged men start to work with her. On the other hand, pop has never been particularly welcoming to many until it sounds like something you are used to and, with delicate acoustics and gossamer-like piano, Swift’s two new albums recall, sonically, Nick Drake or Kate Bush. Thematically, lyrics seem to come from anywhere. Daphne du Maurier, for one. Even the Lake District and its poets.

Some songs are personal. She is dating British actor Joe Alwyn, and on one track she sings, “I want to give you a child.” Make of that what you will. But these records’ highlights are not about herself, but others. “There was a point,” she told Zane Lowe on Apple Music, “that I had got to as a writer, [where I was only writing] diaristic songs. That felt unsustainable.” Instead, she does what the best writers do and mixes subjective with objective. The Last American Dynasty is a terrific piece of writing about the socialite Rebekah Harkness, who lived in a Rhode Island house that Swift bought and was, by all accounts, a bit scandalous. Swift tells her story almost with envy. Imagine, she seems to say, that freedom.

“In my anxieties,” she said in Rolling Stone, “I can often control how I am as a person and how normal I act. But I cannot control if there are 20 photographers outside in the bushes and if they follow our car and interrupt our lives.”

Then there is Epiphany. The first verse is about her grandfather, who fought in the Second World War; the second about frontline workers in hospitals now. Sung in a high register, it is suitably choral. Marjorie, on Evermore, is even better. It is about her grandmother, an opera singer who died in 2003. “What died didn’t stay dead” is the repeated line, and it is eerie, gorgeous. Swift sings how she thinks Marjorie is singing to her, at which point some vocals from the latter’s recordings waft in. Touching, but the real power is in Swift writing about vague memories of a relative who died when she was young. “I complained the whole way there,” she sings. “I should’ve asked you questions.”

In person she is warm like this, and funny. When Kimmel told her there were far more swearwords on Folklore and Evermore than previous records, she replied: “It’s just been that kind of year.” She is also odder than people realise. In the way pop stars should be. Obsessed by numerology, she wrote, on the eve of her birthday when announcing Evermore: “Ever since I was 13, I’ve been excited about turning 31 because it’s my lucky number backwards.” When I turned 31 I just wished to be 13 again, with all that youth, but then, maybe, she is just joking. “Yes, so until I turn 113 or 131, this will be the highlight of my life,” she said. “The numerology thing? I sort of force it to happen.”

Swift, of course, is far from the first pop star to become public property, or have a close bond with fans. This year, however, she was one of the few to show that such adoration is not one-way. She is, simply, a fan of her fans — from planting secrets in her artwork and lyrics, to recording two albums of new music as a balm for them when real life became too deafening.

“One good thing about music,” sang Bob Marley. “When it hits you, you feel no pain.” The 80.6 million who streamed Folklore on its first day will attest to that idea. So will the four million who bought it. Swift is pop star of the year, no doubt — leaving her peers in her wake, on their sofas, rewatching The Sopranos.

[bookstantrash]

A/N: Here it’s folks! Final part of my Queen inspired AU. I wanted to post it yesterday but got busy with school, sorry for the small delay. I hope you enjoy it! ☺️

Somebody to love — Part Two

Cassian knew something was wrong. He just didn’t know what.

He had received Nesta’s break up text three days ago out of the blue, and had been trying to reach her ever since.

She had blocked his contact. Had left her apartment.

So he contacted Emerie, which also didn’t answer any of his questions.

He didn’t have much luck with her sisters either.

His friends knew something had happened between him and Nesta, but hadn’t pried after seeing Cassian’s distressed face.

He hadn’t wanted to go out today. Specially after Azriel — Azriel of all people — suggested they go to the karaoke bar.

But he didn’t want to worry his friends any longer. And it had been an awful long time since they had gone out with Mor.

However, when they walked in and he heard a familiar voice — her voice — he wanted to grab Azriel and kiss him in gratitude.

Cassian couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Couldn’t stop listening to her sing.

He had always loved her voice. And when they had come here for their first date and he heard her sing... that was it for him.

When Nesta sang it was as if the whole world stopped to listen. She connected with the song, the way she felt everything so intensely giving a deeper meaning to the lyrics.

‘That’s my chance’ he thought while Nesta finished the song ‘I’m going to talk to her right now’

But when their eyes met and he saw how pissed she became, and how she started to argue with Feyre — no doubt thinking her younger sister had spilled the beans to Rhys, who in turn told him — he knew he had to act fast. So he did the first thing he thought of.

He got on the stage.

And decided he was going to win her back by redoing their first date, although with some slight changes.

“Nesta Archeron?” Cassian said on the microphone, hoping his voice didn’t give away how nervous he was.

He saw her nod in the crowd, and almost released a sight of relief. He had caught her off guard, good.

“This song is for you”

He just hoped she stayed long enough to hear what he had to say.

This thing called love, I just can't handle it

This thing called love, I must get round to it

Cassian had been head over heels for Nesta Archeron since five years ago when he met her at Feyre’s birthday party.

He became friends with her.

He had teased her.

He had shamelessly flirted with her.

Until, after much pestering from his part, she finally agreed to go on a date with him.

I ain't ready

Crazy little thing called love

In their first date, he had sang “Treasure”, by Bruno Mars.

He had been nervous as hell. He had this super elaborate plan on his head that went flying out of the window when he heard her sing.

He knew she must feel at least something towards him, if the way she reacted to his flirting was any indication.

Or the way he had caught her glancing at him when she thought nobody was looking.

This thing (this thing)

Called love (called love)

It cries (like a baby)

In a cradle all night

Still, Cassian couldn’t help but think that he had misinterpreted her.

Maybe all of that was just his mind playing tricks on him. Just wishful thinking of his.

But Cassian sang the damn song, and when he got off stage and came face to face with an expressionless Nesta, he felt his heart stop beating.

It swings (woo woo)

It jives (woo woo)

It shakes all over like a jelly fish

I kinda like it

Crazy little thing called love

Yet it went back to normal just fine after Nesta gave him the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.

And she kissed him.

Grabbed his T-shirt and pulled him towards her, smashing her lips against his.

Cassian thought if he died right then and there he would have been the happiest man to have ever lived.

There goes my baby

She knows how to rock 'n' roll

Deciding to spice things up a bit, Cassian jumped from the stage. And started to dance towards a very much shocked Nesta.

She drives me crazy

She gives me hot and cold fever

Then she leaves me in a cool cool sweat

He was singing for her. Only her. Screw the rest of the bar. Screw his friends who were probably filming it all.

Nesta Archeron was the only one right now who deserved his attention and thoughts.

I gotta be cool, relax, get hip

And get on my track's

Cassian grabbed her hand with his free one, pulling her closer to him.

And then he was dancing with her.

Take a back seat, hitch-hike

And take a long ride on my motorbike

Cassian could swear he saw the corner of Nesta’s mouth turn up in a tentative smile.

He cheered internally.

She hadn’t punched him yet. That was a victory.

Until I'm ready

Crazy little thing called love

He stopped dancing. Stopped singing.

Never mind that there was still two verses left. He had to take his shoot now.

Cassian blindly gave the microphone to a guy standing near them.

“You” he said, not taking his eyes or hands away from Nesta “It’s your turn. Go on now”

Taking the hint, the guy grabbed the microphone and went to the stage, Feyre, Elain and Emerie also taking the opportunity to leave them alone, going to greet their friends.

But that small moment was enough to make Nesta snap back to reality.

“What do you think you’re doing?” she said, snatching her hand and taking a step back from him.

“Nesta” he breathed “Talk to me sweetheart. What happened?”

“Her” she answered, pointing at where their friends where standing “Her is what happened. How could you? How could you bring her here!”

“Wait, you’re talking about Mor?” to say Cassian was confused was an understatement. He was completely lost.

“Oh, so she has a name.” Nesta snorted, but Cassian knew her. He knew she was hurt. But he didn’t see why.

“Nesta, explain what this is all about. Because I’ve no damn idea what’s going on.”

“I saw you. With her. I finished my book before the deadline and wanted to make a surprise for you” she stopped to take a deep breath, and Cassian could see she was trying not to cry “I saw both of you on the sidewalk when I stopped at a traffic light. And you looked so happy, so carefree.”

“Nesta—“

“You have been so nervous around me these past weeks. I thought—I thought you were cheating on me. That you were trying to break things up but couldn’t bring yourself to do it. So I did it first” she bit her lip, and Cassian didn’t know if he should hug her for all the pain she must be feeling or shake her for thinking he could cheat on her.

“Mor is Rhysand’s cousin” he began, trying to appeal to her “She has been living abroad these past years as a diplomat, that’s why you never met her”

Nesta opened her mouth to say something, but Cassian beat her to it.

“She’s a childhood friend. I was happy because we haven’t seen each other in ages” he pointed at the redhead that was chatting animatedly with Rhysand “And because we both had rather good news. Mor is engaged to Vassa. She came back to visit and invite us all to the wedding.”

“Oh” Nesta opened her mouth in surprise, her cheeks pinking in shame.

“Oh indeed” Cassian laughed, shaking his head.

“But you just said that you ‘both had great news’. What do you mean?” it was Nesta’s turn to be confused.

“This is the good news” Cassian said, getting down on one knee “I have been nervous and quiet these past weeks because all I could think of was how to come up with a perfect plan. I thought of asking you after you finished your book, so you’d be less worried and we could celebrate both things in style”

He took a small velvet box from his jacket and Nesta’s eyes widened in shock.

“Cassian—”

“I have been carrying this with me for a long time now” he prayed she didn’t notice how his hands were shaking as he opened the small box “I love you Nesta Archeron and I want you to get through your tick-head that you are the only woman out there for me. You have ruined me for everyone else”

“I— Cassian, you don’t have to do this because of my insecurities”

“Did you not hear me woman? I absolutely adore you. I worship the ground you walk. I’m doing this because I want to. Because I want to do like Beyoncé said and put a ring on what I like. So please say yes, because I won’t be able to suffer anymore heartbreak than what I’ve felt these past three days” he took a deep breath “Be my wife Nesta Archeron. Be my wife and fight me, flirt with me and love me”

“Yes. A thousand times yes” happy tears were running down Nesta’s face as Cassian placed the wedding band on her finger — a single gold ring adorned by a single round-cut blue stone, the exact colour of her eyes.

“It was about bloody time” he growled, getting up to kiss Nesta, pouring all of his love and adoration for her in that kiss.

They were so focused on each other that they did not notice the bar applauding them, Feyre and Emerie crying, Rhysand filming it all while Mor and Vassa watched everything with curiosity, or Amren raising her drink in a silent toast.

And they didn’t see Azriel and Elain high-fiving each other, both of them smiling with self satisfaction.

•

Tags: @sayosdreams @thewayshedreamed @sjm-things @perseusannabeth @arin1030-blog @caotica-e-quieta @vidalinav @swankii-art-teacher @ireallyshouldsleeprn @duskandstarlight @greerlunna @thegoddessaltenia @dayanna-hatter @verypaleninja @awesomelena555

{Please let me know if you’d like to be added to my tag list}

[babygirlwolverine]

Put a Ring on It

My tenth and final entry for the DeanCas #SPNStayAtHome event hosted by @bend-me-shape-me @helianthus21 @pray4jensen :)

Also posted on ao3 if anyone is interested in reading it there!

Tag List: @scamp-00 @bibelphegor @baby-in-a-trenchcoat7 @pizzamanhedelivers @expectingtofly @neo-neo-neo

PS- my tag list is starting to grow and I’m so excited. If you’re enjoying my writing and want to see more and you’d like to be tagged in any of my future destiel fics, please message me or comment and let me know! I’ll be happy to tag you in future fics!

Monday 10: Free Choice - Single Ladies by Beyoncé

Put a Ring on It

Cas darted his eyes up from the massive book in front of him, cataloging the way Dean was starting to slump forward in his seat. He watched as Dean’s eyes fluttered closed and stayed that way for a couple seconds before blinking back open tiredly. After watching his boyfriend repeat that action several times, Cas shifted in his seat.

“You’re exhausted, Dean. You should get some sleep. I can stay here and keep researching,” Cas said softly, reaching out and resting his hand on top of Dean’s.

Dean automatically flipped his hand over so he could interlace their fingers together. He looked up at Cas, giving him a small smile. “Maybe a little later. I promised Sam I’d keep researching while he slept. And he needs sleep more than I do right now. I’m fine, really.”

Squeezing Dean’s hand softly, Cas darted his eyes to his phone, catching the white 3:22pm on the screen. Dean had been awake for almost 30 hours now, and Cas felt an itch deep in his bones to grab the hunter by the waist and drag him to bed and force him to sleep for the next three days. He slowly traced his thumb across the back of Dean’s hand. “Would you let me make you something to eat, at least? You haven’t eaten since yesterday afternoon.”

Dean chuckled softly, nudging Cas under the table with his foot. “You don’t know how to cook, Cas.”

The angel pouted. “I can make you a sandwich.”

Smiling softly, Dean brought their joined hands up and pressed a quick kiss to the back of Cas’ hand. “I’d like that.”

A blush creeped along Cas’ cheeks and he nodded. Squeezing Dean’s hand again, Cas loosened his grip on the hunter’s fingers. When Dean’s hand slipped from his own, Cas felt the loss of contact echo through his body. Without thinking, he got up from the table and moved to Dean’s side. He leaned down and silently thanked God when Dean automatically tipped his head up. Cas closed the space, gently kissing Dean.

“I love you,” Dean murmured softly against his lips.

Cas lit up, the words never losing their spark no matter how many times Dean had said that phrase to him over the last couple of years. “I love you too, Dean,” Cas replied, pressing another soft kiss to Dean’s lips.

Forcing himself to step out of Dean’s personal space, Cas smiled at his lover before slipping out of the library and towards the kitchen. Dean may have been right about him not being able to cook, but he’d made Dean and Sam sandwiches countless times over the years. He could do it with his eyes closed. It was almost therapeutic at this point, and it gave him a moment's reprieve from the never-ending research they were doing.

Just as he’d grabbed all the ingredients he needed to make Dean’s favorite sandwich, his eyes landed on the radio the hunter had put in the kitchen a few days ago. He’d grown quite fond of having music in the background as he worked, thanks to Dean constantly playing music around the bunker and in Baby. With a soft smile, Cas reached over and turned the radio on as he began to make Dean’s sandwich.

“You’re listening to the greatest hits station. This hour is greatest hits from the 2000’s. I’m your host Katie Franics, and by popular demand, this is Single Ladies by everyone’s favorite, Beyoncé.”

As the opening notes of the song began to play, Cas picked up the knife and began to spread butter onto a slice of bread. The tune was catchy enough, but Cas wasn’t really listening to the lyrics as he began to stack meat and cheese onto the bread. The upbeat tempo was enough to make him smile though.

Just as he reached out to grab the mayo, the chorus of the song floated out from the radio. He was only half paying attention to the music, just letting the beat influence the fluidity of his motions, until the words suddenly caught his attention; jarring him from his auto-pilot movements of sandwich making.

“If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Don't be mad once you see that he want it. If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it.”

Cas froze, hand wrapped around the bottle of mayonnaise. The lyrics ricocheted around in his head, sending his thoughts into disarray. It wasn’t something he’d ever thought of before. Sure, Cas knew Dean had a past of hooking up with whoever caught his attention, but when Cas had shown an interest in the hunter a few years ago, Dean had jumped at the chance and never looked back.

They’d gone from casually blowing off steam after hunts to cuddling and falling head over heels faster than Cas had thought possible. Dean’s playboy days were long gone, replaced by Dean sleeping tucked up against Cas’ chest and tender moments that made Sam fake gag over their domesticity.

But in all the years they’d been together, all the ‘I love you’s’ and the ‘you’re it for me’, Cas had never thought for a second about them getting married. He’d always been content being Dean’s lover, and then his boyfriend when things become more serious.

“Cause you had your turn, but now you’re gonna learn what it really feels like to miss me. Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.”

Seeing the look on Dean’s face when he’d checked them into motels and called Cas his boyfriend always caused Cas’ heart to race. Or when they were investigating and instead of saying Cas was his partner Dean always introduced him as his boyfriend before stating his made-up FBI name. Even when they were at bars after a hunt, Dean would wrap his arm around Cas’ waist and ask for a beer for him and his boyfriend.

But a sudden nagging thought had creeped up, echoed by the lyrics from the song. Was Dean waiting for Cas to make a move? Would he walk away if Cas didn’t propose? Should he put a ring on Dean?

“Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve. Here’s a man that makes me then takes me and delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond. Pull me into your arms. Say I’m the one you want. If you don’t you’ll be alone, and like a ghost, I’ll be gone.”

Cas desperately wanted to be the one that Dean wanted. He wanted to give the hunter every ounce of love he deserved. He wanted to be the one Dean tugged to bed after every case and every research-filled day, and be the only one Dean said ‘I love you’ to.

And, as the lyrics pointed out, Cas very much liked Dean. Therefore, the logical thing for him to do would be to put a ring on his hunter.

As the songs chorus played for the last time, Cas suddenly felt lighter. Never before did he think a song on the radio would click with him, and not only give him inspiration but also the push he needed. Living in the bunker had provided so much stability to their lives, and he and Dean had been dating for years. It was the perfect time to ask Dean to marry him. That’s what humans did, wasn’t it? Fall in love and get married.

And Cas loved Dean. Loved him more than he ever thought possible for an angel to feel towards a human. But God, Cas ached with how much he loved Dean; loved him with every wavelength of his being.

He’d been Dean’s lover at the start, and then proudly been Dean’s boyfriend when things became more serious. But the thought of being Dean’s fiancé suddenly filled Cas with a deep yearning so strong he felt it etch its way to twine with his Grace.

As the song changed to something else, Cas nodded to himself as a plan started forming in his mind. Quickly, he finished making the sandwich, grabbed a beer, and made his way back to Dean.

“Hey you. Took ya long enough,” Dean said, voice thick with exhaustion as Cas set the plate and the beer down next to him. Instead of reaching for the sandwich, Dean’s hand wrapped around Cas’ wrist, pulling the angel closer. “What’s wrong?”

Cas tilted his head, looking down so his eyes locked with Dean’s. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“You have that far away look, like your mind isn’t here. Like something else has your attention,” Dean said.

Cas shook his head, leaning down to press a chaste kiss to Dean’s mouth. “We’re just out of beer. Was thinking I could go out and get some supplies. Is there anything else you need?”

“You in bed with me,” Dean shot back without any hesitation.

Rolling his eyes fondly, Cas pressed another quick kiss to Dean’s mouth. “You’re insatiable, Eat your sandwich. I’ll be back in an hour, then you’re getting some sleep and I’ll keep researching.”

“Yes, dear,” Dean said, tugging the plate closer. Grabbing the sandwich, he took a bite and hummed in pleasure. “Have I told you recently that I love you, Cas?” Dean said around his mouthful.

“I’m not sure if it’s me you love or that sandwich.”

“Both,” Dean smirked, throwing Cas a wink.

Shaking his head fondly, Cas grabbed his keys and set out into town, more sure than ever before about buying a ring and proposing to Dean.

~

A week later, Dean and Sam were once again in the library researching. Cas had been flitting in and out of the room, debating if tonight would be the right moment to propose or if he should wait. Lest it be said, despite being an Angel of the Lord, Cas had very little patience.

After debating if he wanted to catalogue more of the artifacts in the bunker, Cas decided he couldn’t take the waiting game anymore. It might not be the perfect moment, but it was them; in the bunker researching. Dean had never been one for public displays of affection anyway, but with just them and Sam in the bunker, it was as close to perfect as he was going to get.

Cas beelined for the library, checking one final time the box was still in his trenchcoat pocket as he rushed into the room. In his haste, he raced past Sam, earning a worried noise from his friend.

“Hey Cas. What’s wrong?” Sam asked, noticing the tension radiating from the angel as he shot past.

Cas didn’t hesitate, brushing off Sam’s question. If he stalled for even a second, he’d talk himself out of it as the nerves bubbled up inside of him. He marched over to Dean, who was sitting at one of the tables with a large book spread out in front of him. As soon as Cas was hovering beside Dean, he dropped down onto his knee next to his boyfriend.

Dean’s gaze snapped up from the book, landing on Cas. His eyes were soft, a small smile on his lips, until he noticed Cas was on one knee in front of him. His eyes clouded over in confusion, his lower lip falling into a pout. “Cas, wha-” Dea started to say.

Cas instantly interrupted him, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the little box. He flipped the box open, revealing a single silver ring with a blue sapphire band circling around the middle of the ring. He desperately wanted to look up at Dean, but found he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the box in his hand; too nervous to see Dean’s reaction.

“I recently heard a song that said if I like it then I should put a ring on it. I-I love you, Dean. There isn’t anything- Heaven or Hell- more important to me than you are. I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore. I want to be your fiancé. I want to be your husband. So Dean, will you marry me?”

Finally, Cas chanced it and flickered his gaze up to Dean’s face. The hunter sat, frozen, a look of shock on his face and his eyes blown wide. Cas hesitated for a second, his eyes darting across Dean’s expression hoping for some sort of positive sign from his boyfriend.

After a few seconds of silence, waiting for the tell-tale signs of Dean’s smile which never came, Cas started to panic. Had he made a mistake? Maybe Dean never wanted to get married, let alone to him. The worry started to bubble up, causing Cas’ hand to tremble as he gripped hold of the box tighter.

Cas started to stand up awkwardly, shyly moving to close the box as the words ‘please forget this whole thing’ bubbled up his throat.

The movement seemed to jarr Dean from his daze. He shook his head softly, his eyes gleaming as his hand darted out and wrapped around Cas’ wrist that was holding the box. “God, yes, Cas. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, I'll marry you.”

The world seemed to freeze for a minute as Cas processed Dean’s words. He said yes. He said yes.

And then Cas was being dragged up into Dean’s lap, the hunter’s arms wrapping around his neck and tangling into his hair as Dean yanked him into a kiss so deep and passionate it sent sparks of tingling desire down Cas’ body. Dean was the one to break the kiss, his lips still pressed lightly to Cas’ as he laughed so brightly it lit up Cas’ entire being. “God, you dumb angel. My dumb angel. Of course I’ll marry you.”

Cas leaned forward, swallowing Dean’s laugh and pressing his own broad smile into Dean’s until their mouths melded together in another breathtaking kiss. He could feel Dean’s happiness radiating through their kisses, their tongues wrapping around each other as Dean kissed him long and deep and slow.

Cas was the one to break the kiss this time, gasping for air. Dean instantly chased his lips, reconnecting them and dragging Cas down into another heady kiss.

“The ring,” Dean mumbled against his lips, and Cas laughed breathlessly; feeling like he was floating. He slipped the ring from the box, dropping the empty box onto the table as he reached for Dean’s hand.

Dean tangled their fingers together, briefly squeezing Cas’ hand before letting go. Cas’ hand shook as he slid the ring onto Dean’s ring finger. His breath caught in his throat as he watched Dean’s eyes sparkle brightly as he brought the ring closer to inspect it. “It’s- Cas… it’s perfect,” Dean whispered, unshed tears glinting in Dean’s eyes as he pulled Cas in again.

Cas beamed into the kiss as he felt Dean’s hand slide to the back of his neck, the cool metal of the ring pressing into his skin and sending a shiver down his spine. “I love you,” Cas murmured against Dean’s lips.

Dean shook his head minutely, licking across Cas’ lower lip before diving in and kissing him all over again. “I love you. I love you. God, holy hell, Cas. I love you. My fiancé. Castiel. My angel. My future husband.”

A half-laugh half-sob slipped from Cas’ throat, and he pressed himself further into Dean’s touch. They kissed sloppily; the kisses melding into mere touches of their lips as they smiled so hard they could barely keep their mouths pressed together.

When they finally broke apart, Cas pressed his forehead to Dean’s; shivering as Dean dragged the metal of the band across his jaw and up along his cheek.

Sam finally broke the silence, piping up from the background. “Congratulations guys! I’m so happy for you.”

Dean laughed, shifting slightly so he could look over at his brother. Cas looked over too, catching the sheen of happy tears in Sam’s eyes and the massive goofy grin on his face. He felt himself melt further into Dean as Sam’s happiness and approval radiated across the table at them. And then Sam was pushing up from his chair and moving towards them and Dean was nudging him up.

Cas instantly slid off Dean's lap, letting Sam pull Dean into a hug. “Seriously, Dean, I’m so damn happy for you. Happy for you both. It’s about damn time, too. You’ve basically been a married couple for years. Might as well make it official.”

Patting Sam firmly on the back, Dean laughed again, briefly resting his head on Sam’s shoulder. “Thank you, Sammy.”

Cas watched as the brothers stood there for a moment, locked in each other’s arms, and Cas was hit with a wave of pure happiness. And then in the blink of an eye, they broke apart and Cas was being yanked into Sam’s arms for a hug of his own.

“Congrats, Cas. ‘Bout time you asked my dumbass brother to marry you.”

Wrapping his arms around Sam, Cas felt a surge of love for him; his family, his brother, his friend. “Thank you,” Cas said, at a loss for words that could properly capture how thankful he was to Sam.

Sam pulled back, clapping Cas on the back before shooting him a smile. “Listen, I couldn’t be more happy that you guys are engaged. But did you really get the idea to propose because of a Beyoncé song?”

Dean cocked his head to the side, before a sudden realization hit and he burst out laughing. “Oh God. Put a ring on it. Oh Cas,” Dean said, snaking his arm around Cas’ waist and pulling the angel in against his hip. “You’re such an idiot.”

Cas frowned, tipping his head slightly to regard Dean. “I don’t understand.”

“You proposed after hearing Single Ladies. You’re an idiot. God, I fucking love you,” Dean said, the words ghosting over Cas’ lips before he closed the distance and kissed him again, this time soft and sweet and so achingly tender that Cas’ heart lurched in his chest. “I’m never letting you listen to modern pop music ever again.”

Sam burst out laughing all over again. The laughter seemed to be infectious, because Dean suddenly joined Sam, laughing brightly as he wrapped his hands around Cas’ neck again. He pulled Cas closer, tipping his head down until he was resting his forehead against Cas’. “My fiancé. God, I don’t think I’m ever going to get tired of saying that.”

“Please don’t,” Cas said quietly, bumping their noses against each other softly as his cheeks flushed red. They both leaned in at the same time, their lips meeting in an open-mouthed kiss. Cas felt the cool metal of the ring suddenly pressing against his hip as Dean slid his hand down to untuck the hem of his shirt, while his other hand wrapped around Cas’ tie, tugging him impossibly closer.

Cas happily melted into Dean’s touch, sliding his hand up to rest along Dean’s jaw as they kissed and kissed. And secretly, Cas was pleased as hell that Queen Beyoncé had given him his fiancé.

[mybiasisexo]

Ring the Alarm

Genre: Angst | Marriage!au

Pairing: Lay x Reader

Length: 4.4k

Warning: Language | Adult Themes | Infidelity 

Summary: Nobody said marriage was easy--and your marriage with Zhang Yixing is proving that. When you find out about his indiscretions, you have two options--leaving him is easy, but can you leave the life you both made together? Based off the song Ring the Alarm by Beyoncé

Author’s Note: This one... This one is definitely a WIP. Something I’ve discarded but will be coming back to and finishing. I love this plot, but I know a lot of people aren’t going to agree the the ending I have in mind. Listen to the song, okay? That’s what I’m basing it off of *shrugs*. Also, I drew heavy inspiration from the movie Girl’s Trip,

MASTERLIST

credit

Marriage was never easy. It took commitment, honesty, trust, and a lot of sacrifice. 

You were always aware of this.

Once you reached the age to truly understand, you watched the weight of marriage burden your mother and your mother’s mother. Understood that the title, Wife, was a job, an occupation that carried on all of your life.

Yet, that never stopped you from saying yes.

Never stopped you from allowing that magnificently shiny ring to slide upon the third finger on your left hand, shimmering with the promise of forever.

Maybe, you assumed it would be different—your marriage. Maybe you were too young and naïve, believing that your love was stronger than those before you. That your love was based on something so magical it could withstand all of life’s trails and tribulations.

You were wrong, of course. But at the time, it hadn’t seemed so bad; especially when it was Zhang Yixing you were promising to share your life with.

Zhang Yixing was a rising mogul. He had started his own music label and it had blown up, skyrocketing the pair of you into high-class fame.

Through out it all, you had been by his side. From the time he was making beats in his basement, to the moment he won his first award.

You were the one who provided a roof over his head when he was solely focused on the music. The one who supported him financially when he didn’t have a dime to his name. The one who provided words of strength and courage when he was losing faith in himself. It was you who singlehandedly carried him to the top, allowing him to wear the crown as long as you were able to be by his side.

Because that was what love was.

But love was quickly overshadowed by greed. You both became too preoccupied scrambling to the top of the totem pole to remember why you had began climbing in the first place. The contracts you both signed with love soon became a business contract, you two only partners professionally.

Money had a certain power that overtook everything, and money was something that Yixing had a lot of—that the both of you had a lot of.

That’s no excuse though. No valuable reason for your husband of nearly six years to be cheating on you.

~*~

Once a week, you meet you with your closest friends, Seulgi and Irene, for lunch. Today you decide to eat at an upscale restaurant in downtown. You have known the two since high school and they have been your biggest supporters in life.

“How have you been?” Seulgi asks after you all have ordered, stretching her hand across the table to place it over your own, giving it a comforting squeeze. You smile softly at her, knowing full and well that she has caught on to the fact you’ve been hiding something that’s troubling you. She has always been extremely sensitive to other’s emotions, allowing her to read anyone like a book. It is what makes her such an amazing psychologist.

She also knows not to pry. A major rule of yours is that your marriage—like all marriages should be—is between your husband and yourself. You refuse to share the nitty gritty details of your relationship, even to your best friends.

“Surviving,” you reply simply, taking a sip of your hot tea. 

The answer is telling. Both women share a quick concerned glance. Before they can inquire further, the food arrives and conversation is shifted to lighter subjects: updates in your lives since the last get together.

About halfway into the meal, Irene receives a message on her phone. She glances down distractedly before doing a double take, her eyes widening from shock as she stares at her screen.

“What is it?” Seulgi asks curiously. You find yourself leaning forward in an attempt to catch a glimpse at what shook her, but she swiftly snatches the device so that only she can view the screen. Her eyes flicker over to you and an odd sense of foreboding dread causes your stomach to drop.

“I just got some pap pics….” She starts slowly, eyes drifting back to you warningly. “Brace yourself.”

“Why would I have to…?” She hands you the phone and you blink a few times, not fully comprehending what you’re being shown. Squinting, you enlarge the image, zooming in to clarify that the man in the picture is indeed your husband.

Making out with another woman.

There’s four pictures in total. The two are apparently at some club. The woman—who’s back is conveniently facing the camera—is sitting on Yixing’s lap. His hands get lower and lower with each picture until they land solidly on her ass.

You sit the phone down and close your eyes, breathing through your nose as you rub your temples in frustration.

Careless. Selfish.

“I…am so sorry,” Seulgi murmurs. Tears can be heard in her voice, your pain being felt by her.

Irene is a bit different though.

“So, what are you going to do?”

Irene is the hard ass. The realist. She doesn’t believe in playing games, always cutting through the bullshit to get right to the point.

She would have made an amazing lawyer.

But instead, she gave her talent to a gossip magazine. It pays just as well with less the paper work and she is brilliant at it. Irene is always on top of the newest celebrity drama. She has a wide variety of connections—yourself being one of them—and isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty to uncover the truth. She is so good at her job that sometimes celebrities willingly give her information, because having an article written about you from her is how you know you made it in this cutthroat industry. 

That is how she got the pictures. She has personal paparazzi that do most of the digging for her. Yixing is one of the most famous Chinese men in South Korea, so it makes sense to you that if they had spotted him doing something sketchy—because the world is aware of your marriage—they would capture it and send the proof to their boss immediately. 

Sighing, you lean back against your chair, staring out the window that reveals a beautiful sunny day, a day too lovely to have to deal with this bullshit.

“I can’t believe he would do this to you,” Irene rages on, fury spilling out of her. She has the most disdain for Yixing. Ever since you first met him, she was always telling you how he was bad news, a no good low life that would only bring you down with him. 

At this moment, you wish you had listened to her.

“This is just horrible.” You play with your wedding ring as Seulgi continues. “After all you’ve done for him, he does this in return.” 

“You’re going to leave him, right? I mean, the man is cheating on you—”

“I KNOW!” You finally snap loudly, instantly shutting your friends up. In a much quieter tone, to not draw attention, you add, “I’ve known for a while.”

“You… already knew?” Seulgi clarifies. Realization dawns on her and she shakes her head in disbelief. “You already knew.”

“For how long?” Irene presses, her anger tripling and you’re glad that, at this moment, she is your friend, and not a journalist. She has to have realized that she stumbled across gold with these pictures. She holds enough evidence to ruin your martial image and make herself richer beyond her dreams. “How long has he been hurting you like this while you just allowed it to continue?”

“It’s not that simple,” you defend yourself quickly. “You know our entire career is based on our marriage….”

“Do you at least know who she is?” Seulgi asks.

“His secretary.” You sneer. “The cliché bastard is fucking his secretary.” Your hands tremble as a wave of emotions hit you like a tsunami. They come so rapidly, you can barely register them all: hatred, disdain, anger, embarrassment, betrayal—you don’t think you’ve ever felt so much at once.

“These pictures were taken by my people,” Irene begins quietly. “I just asked and they are positive they were the only ones there, but if I don’t do anything with them, they’ll sell them to another source who will. You know this.”

The severity of her words hit you full force, knocking the breath out of you.

She leans over the table, making sure to look you dead in your eyes. “I need to know. Do you still love him?”

Her question throws you off. Do you love Yixing? You assume there was once a time when you truly did. You gave up everything to be with him. Gave up your dreams to help him reach his own. Took his last name as your own, giving your life to him. No one does any of that without love being involved, blinding them from making any rational decisions.

But that was a long time ago.

You are in love with a different Zhang Yixing. One who fought for what he cared about, and cared deeply about a lot of things. Loved deeply.

The man you are tied to now is nothing more than a mere shadow of the one you fell in love with.

Knowing this, your stare remains fixed, unwavering as you answer truthfully. “No.”

She takes a deep breath, nodding to herself as she leans back. “I can stall, but not for too long. If you really don’t want to leave him, and I understand why, you at least have to talk to him. Let him know what his actions are about to unleash, because once this hits the press, you will know no peace. It’s going to get a lot tougher for you. You’ll have to fight harder than you ever have.”

It isn’t until Seulgi slides into the seat right beside you and rubs your face do you realize you’ve been silently crying. Your breath shudders as you inhale and give into being weak for a moment, sliding your arms around Seulgi’s waist and leaning into her in a tight embrace.

“Can you send those to me?” You ask Irene, who nods before doing as you request.

“What will you do now?” She asks after your phone lights up with her notification.

“Confront him,” you say without hesitation. This conversation is long overdue. “Let him know how much of a bastard he is.”

“Then…?” She presses, an eyebrow raised.

“Then I guess we’ll see.”

~*~

The car rolls to a stop in front of Zhang Studios and you sigh as you gaze up at the building. It isn’t an over the top skyscraper, but it stands strong of wealth. The concrete building hovering over you fills you with nostalgia. You both worked so damned hard to get this place and now he’s using it against you.

His office is on the top floor. It is made for a boss, what with it’s icy glass doors and floor to ceiling windows that overlook downtown. On his desk, beside his nameplate, sits a picture of you both from your honeymoon, smiles huge and eyes locked, still utterly drunk in love.

The look in your eyes in that picture is the complete opposite of what is churning in them now. Ignoring his secretary’s protests, you swing the door open in time to catch Yixing bid farewell to the three other men in lavish suits that are also in the room. It appears you entered at the end of a meeting.

One of the men is a friend: Kim Jongin, and as they all turn around to see who entered, he smiles dazzling at you. He approaches you, taking your hand and kissing it.

“it’s so nice to see you.” He greets.

“You too, Jongin. It’s been a while.”

“That it has, but I’m looking forward to your anniversary dinner. I’m sure it’ll live up to the expectations”

You internally wince at the reminder. A date you should look forward to, only fills you with dread.

“Have the Zhang’s ever disappointed?” You ask with a wink.

The rest of the men bow in farewell before heading out after Jongin. You make sure to lock the door behind them so that Miss. Becky can’t attempt to interrupt.

Slowly, you approach Yixing as he unbuttons his jacket and takes a seat. Your heels clack loudly against the tile floor, empowering you with every step.

“My dear,” he begins quietly and you nearly sneer at the pet name. “What brings you here unannounced?”

Without saying a word, you plop the manila folder holding his incriminating pictures on his desk before him. He raises an eyebrow questioningly before humoring you and pulling them out. His jaw tightens as he scans the images and you catch it. It’s only a second, if you hadn’t been studying him so hard you would have missed the shock that pinched his face.

After a moment of silence, he sighs, tossing the folder back on his desk in defeat. His eyes scan his luxurious office before finally meeting yours.

“I guess apologies are in order.”

“Save it,” you spit. Your arms tremble with the anger flowing through your veins and it takes everything in you not to get physical. “You careless bastard.”

“I deserve that,” he says quietly. “Where did you get those?”

You scoff. “Does that really matter right now? That’s you, my husband, making out with someone who sure as hell isn’t me, just days before our anniversary. You selfish asshole!”

Your words are biting. He rests his elbows on his desk, his head on his balled up hands. “What can I do to fix this?”

You walk up opposite him, placing your palms solidly on the desk as you loom over him with narrow eyes. “Get rid of her. I don’t care how. I want her gone.”

He groans your name in protest, sinking back into his chair.

Left flabbergasted by his response to your request, you straighten up. He takes you in with slightly wide eyes as you laugh bitterly. “You know what? Never mind.”

Turning on your heels, you make your way to the door before spinning around to face him again. “What are we doing, Yixing? Huh? We both know this sure as hell isn’t a marriage, but we agreed to at least be a partnership! Yet you can’t hold up your end of the bargain, let alone your pants! All you ever care about nowadays is your company and yourself!”

“Come on now, you know that’s not true.” Yixing rises from his chair and walks over to you, but each step he takes forward, you take one back until your back collides with the door. Cornered, Yixing reaches up to cup your shoulders, rubbing them soothingly. “Hey, look at me. I’m sorry, okay? You’re right. We agreed to at least be partners and I’ve failed you. I’ll get rid of Seungwan, all right?”

Hearing her name makes your heart pang. You glare at him. “You promise?”

“Consider it done.”

“There’s also the pictures….”

“We’ll discuss that later. But we have to be stronger than ever at the dinner. Be more of a team.”

“I’ve always been a team player, Yixing, you know that.”

His smile is sad. “All the same.”

Tired of arguing, you merely sigh, resting your head against the cold door while closing your eyes. “Thank you.”

Suddenly, Yixing’s warm breath can be felt against your neck. Eyes springing open to see him leaning closer to kiss you, whether it is your cheek or lips, you aren’t sure, blocking your vision. The thought of him touching you in any way makes bile crawl up your throat, so before he makes contact, you unlock and open the door in one swift motion, sliding out before he can touch you.

~*~

The anniversary dinner is four days later.

The last couple days are nerve racking. Having to make the final details to the party with those haunting pictures hanging over your head has you stressed to the point where you can’t eat. The leading cause of your stress—your husband—has been the polar opposite of you. His nonchalant behavior isn’t reassuring in the slightest, although he promised repeatedly that his mistress, Son Seungwan, had been let go and he had zero contact with her since. You want to believe him, at least the last part, but your trust is completely gone.

Unfortunately, you will have to put a little faith in him tonight. The party will be held at your shared mansion to show your solidarity. You are not just celebrating six years of marriage, but also the birth of your baby—Zhang Studios. Your home will be filled with important people, and their testimonies from tonight will help you once your story breaks out, which will be in a matter of time.

The day of is spent making sure everything is perfect, not a speck of dust is lingering in the air. Yixing is gone most of the day, taking care of some things at work. He trudges in around six, much to your dismay.

Guests start filing in around seven, greeted by the happy couple.

Irene and Seulgi arrive together and rip you away from your husband. You catch him frown as he watches you rush down the hall, he is just as much not a fan of the duo as they are of him.

You pull them into a deserted hallway for some privacy, hugging them briefly in greeting before getting to the point.

“Any updates?” You ask Irene.

“The pictures have been bought and will be released in the next couple days. The article, from what I’ve heard, will make Lay out to be a money hungry sex-crazed monster, painting you as a helpless victim. It’ll be perfect for whatever you decide. You leave him; you’re freeing yourself from a wicked man. Forgive him and you’re a saint.”

You’re pleased with either outcome of the situation, although it means you have only a couple days to decide what you want to do. Lay is Yixing’s celebrity name, the name the world knows him as. It is unlucky Lay is going to be ruined by Yixing’s careless actions.

“Alright. Thank you girls for coming. I need all the support I can get tonight.”

“I would say ‘happy anniversary’,” Seulgi begins. “But I don’t think you’re too happy right now.”

Her comment brings out a smile, albeit small, and she pulls you into a side hug, rubbing your arm comfortingly. “You look sexy as hell though.”

That draws out a genuine laugh.

You soon reunite with Yixing in time to welcome more people.

Once everyone has arrived, you all settle around the dining room table that is big enough to sit all of your close family, employers, and celebrity friends. Yixing and yourself placed at the center of one of the long sides, agreeing that the closer you are the more in love you’d appear. You try to maintain your warm façade, but you can feel it slipping with every conversation you find yourself getting dragged into. You consider yourself quite the actress, you’ve been pretending to be happy in a marriage for years now, yet you don’t know how long you can keep this up, what with Yixing’s hand practically glued to your knee, a hand that has been tainted by the other women he touched—who knows how many he has been with, though you have a feeling Seungwan wasn’t the only one. 

You push the thought out of your mind, instead focusing on the food that starts to be brought out from the kitchen. The smell draws out noises of delight from the guests and you’re relieved and proud of the response.

The atmosphere is pleasant as everyone dives in but it only takes a few minutes for everything to crash. Yixing suddenly begins coughing on his wine, startling everyone and gaining their attention. You pat his back in concern as he attempts to clear his throat, teary eyes narrowing on something ahead of himself.

Trepidation drips down the back of your neck as you follow his line of sight, zoning in on a beautiful girl in a soft red gown that hugs her comfortably. Her long wavy ashy brown hair cascades down her back from a low ponytail and her thin burgundy red lips lift smugly as she watches the way Yixing reacts to her presence.

Slowly, you drop your hand from the man beside you, letting it fall limply to your side as you glare at the woman who should not be here.

The nerve.

Yixing catches his bearings, but he can honestly choke for all you care. His shock at seeing his mistress consumes him to the point he doesn’t even register the attention he has garnered to the situation. The silence causes your ears to ring as Son Seungwan struts to the best of her abilities to one of the last empty chairs.

“Sorry I’m late,” she apologizes, not sounding sorry in the slightest. 

Trying your hardest to seem unaffected, you toss your napkin on the plate in front of you and lean over to your husband as you rise off your seat to stand. “Lay, a word.”

He follows silently, bowing towards your guests apologetically as he follows you to the closest room to get some privacy. Once inside, you scan it to realize you chose his home office, which is fitting, because you have business to handle.

“What the fuck is she doing here?” You ask as soon as the door shuts, spinning on him.

He sighs, running his fingers roughly through his hair. “I don’t know—”

“I told you to handle this!”

“I did—”

“Does her waltzing in here like she picked out the wallpaper in the dining room look handled, Yixing? Huh?”

“I don’t know why she is here! I didn’t invite her!” Yixing counters, voice rising to match your own.

“Well I sure as shit didn’t invite her!” You run up to him and lower your voice. “I want her out of my house. Now!”

He sighs again. “We can’t do that. Not without causing a scene. She’s obviously bitter about how things ended between us. This is probably payback.”

There’s a brief silence as you put together his words. Finally, you think of something. “If she’s not leaving now, we’ll just have to speed things along.”

His face pinches in confusion. “How?”

“By doing our speech! The one we need once we’re asked for statements. God, must I do all the thinking around here?”

With that, you shove him aside to get to the door, but he quickly blocks it with his body, causing you to nearly collide. His chest heaves as he spreads his arms out, leaving you with no exit.

Cornering you, he uses it to his advantage and in a small voice says, “you have every right to be angry at me. I’m sor—”

“Move,” you order through gritted teeth. A staring battle soon commences, him going all out, giving you those wounded puppy eyes that you’ve always fallen for time and time again. the longer he gazes at you the harder you begin to tremble from emotion. You are so close to breaking, so close to losing your sanity. Not being able to handle it for much longer, you whisper, “please.” 

It’s not the response he’s hoping to receive, but he knows that’s all he’s going to get. So, he throws you a small smile before opening the door for you.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” you inform, hoping he can’t hear the tears in your voice. “I’ll meet you back there.”

You check him long enough to see him nod and turn down the opposite end of the hall, towards the bathroom. As you reach for the knob, it twists and the door opens on it’s own, revealing the one person you have no intention of interacting with.

Son Seungwan.

She appears just as taken aback as you, but catches herself quickly, throwing you a mocking smile.

“Quite the party you have here.”

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” you say politely.

“I never said that,” Seungwan clarifies, eyes wandering over the hall. Irritation pricks at you, but you restrain it as best as you can, all things considered. “What I am enjoying though is this home. It is so beautiful. I bet you spent millions on it.”

“Something like that,” you reply.

“Well, I’ll tell you, it’ll look even grander once I start my home renovating.”

“I beg your pardon?” Is this girl crazy?

She finally meets your gaze. “Oh, Lay didn’t tell you?”

“Just get to the point,” you sigh, truly exhausted by everything that’s happened in the past twenty minutes. Crossing your arms over your chest, you wait for her response.

“He promised me a lot of things, you know? Promised to whisk me away, promised that I was the only one in his heart, that he didn’t feel anything towards you anymore and that he was going to divorce you so that he could be with me.”

You raise an eyebrow at her statement. So maybe he liked this one a little more than you were giving him credit for. Unfortunately for her, you know your husband too well.

Leaning in a bit more you look her dead in her eyes. “Take this from somebody who has been with Lay a bit longer. He loves to make promises just so he can break them. That’s how he operates, Dear. He whispered all those sweet nothings in the midst of ecstasy because he had something to gain from it, but all those words were just that—nothing. And, ironically, so are you. But, by all means, keep telling yourself that Lay is in love with you, because if he truly were, he’d be with you now, instead of celebrating his marriage to another woman.”

You can see her eyes gloss over with tears. Your words sting, but she has to know. A feeling of pity hits you as she sniffs and quickly brushs a tear that slipped away. For a brief moment, you see yourself in her, understand exactly what she’s going through.

It vanishes when she snarls. “You’re wrong.”

“And you’re delusional.” You’re quick to snap back, patience gone entirely. 

“At least I’m not the only one.”

You crack a smile at that. “Oh, Honey. I am fully aware of the predicament I’m in. I know who Yixing is, and where we stand. But I’ll humor you, say he really did mean all those things.”

You lean in until your noses touch and whisper, “you’ll have to pry all of those things from my cold dead hands.”

You storm off, back to the dining room, joining a visibly uncomfortable Yixing. The relief is evident as you sit beside him

[bobbystompy]

My Top 88 Songs Of 2020

Previously: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Though we couldn’t get as trim as last year’s 75, still very happy to keep this under 100 for the second year in a row. This was a very difficult year in many ways, but music helped make it more bearable.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

Usually a pump up video goes here, but 2020 had a different energy, so Michael, take us in.

88) Katy Perry - “Smile”

Even Katy Perry’s good songs are a swirling spiral of maxed out auto-tune. This one is just fine. It’s... fine.

87) All Time Low - “Trouble Is...”

Is All Time Low the Katy Perry of pop punk?

86) Tee Grizzley f/ Payroll Giovanni - “Payroll”

I have never heard of Payroll Giovanni, but I have two questions:

1) Is this his song, and he got Tee to jump on it?

2) Or, did Tee write a song called “Payroll” and think to himself “You know who would be great on this? Payroll Giovanni!”

Favorite stretch:

Listen, we is not the same, you say "door", I say "dough" You say "floor", I say "flow", you say "for sure", I say "fa'sho"

85) Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande - “Rain On Me”

Coming out in 2020 probably hurt this song, because I have no, like, out of the house memories with it. You can only have so much fun with Big Singers Singing over a pulsing beat when it’s coming from the phone in your kitchen as you’re indifferently scrambling eggs.

84) Benjamin Gibbard - “Life In Quarantine”

Now this is a song you can do nothing to; almost feels like it’s reluctant to even exist. It got released in March of 2020, so the outro (“No one is going anywhere soon”) served as a too sad reminder/mantra for what the year was about to be. Second shout out to Gibbard for the many YouTube sets he put together during the early stages of the pandemic (when so many of his peers were trying to figure out the next move).

83) Cardi B f/ Megan Thee Stallion - “WAP”

This felt less like a song and more of a “whoa, did you see the music video?!” and/or a means to relitigate the eternal question “What is the sexual line in music?” And while it was fun to watch people freak the fuck out... the quality itself really needed to be better.

(Note: YouTube video is the edited chorus; explicit version here)

82) McKayla Maroney - “Wake Up Call”

Former Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney -- of medals and memes fame -- dips her toe into the music waters. It’s inside-the-box modern pop music. One thing that’s hard to escape: it doesn’t really sound like her.

81) Chelsea Cutler - “Sad Tonight”

He vocals really remind me of Alessia Cara.

80) blink-182 - “Quarantine”

Blink doing a Bad Religion impression. Docked a few points for the very weak chorus lyrics (“Quarantine, fuck this disease”). That said, as serious as the song comes off, there are some clever punchlines to be found.

79) Dave Hause & Brian Fallon - “Long Ride Home”

This is kind of a nothing song, but it’s easy listening. Also, if your guitar leads can’t clear the “Could Bobby have written or performed this?” bar, then said leads are probably pretty weak.

78) Travis Scott & Kid Cudi - “THE SCOTTS”

Two artists who pair so well together, it’s hard to tell who exudes more influence on the track (eh, that’s not true, it’s Travis Scott, but Kid Cudi is more of a roommate than guest). They want you to be high by the time the instrumental outro hits.

77) The Strokes - “Bad Decisions”

The beginning sound feels somewhat evolved, but by the time Julian Casablancas croons “Making bad decisions”, the song feels like it could be on their debut album “Is This It?”. And it goes in and out like that from there.

76) Thundercat - “Dragonball Durag”

Thundercat is one of those artists I wish I liked more, but when the occasional track does hit, it’s a momentary glimpse into what real fans seem to always see.

75) TI f/ Lil Baby - “Pardon”

Standard fare. Lil Baby’s cameo is very meh.

74) Porches - “Do U Wanna”

For a song that repeatedly asks “Do you want to dance?”, it sure makes you feel like you’re moving in slow motion.

73) NOFX - “Thatcher Fucked The Kids” 

On the best-named album of the year (“West Coast vs. Wessex”), Frank Turner and NOFX cover each other’s material. To start us off, the legends take a song from 12 years ago about British politics from 40 years ago and, well, very easily apply it to right god damn now in America.

72) The Bombpops - “Dearly Departed”

Ahh, my year’s first cancelled concert. The listed names in V1 always make me want to skip this song -- but patience, grasshopper. Chorus is aight.

71) Ratboys - “Alien With A Sleep Mask On”

This band name will never match what the music sounds like.

70) Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - “She’s There”

The vocals in this song channel, like, four completely different singers for me, ranging from Bob Dylan to Cloud Nothings.

69) NOBRO - “Don’t Die”

An anthemic chorus meant to be belted in a room with sweaty strangers.

68) Oliver Tree f/ blink-182 - “Let Me Down”

The original solo version of this song is 1:52, and though the blink cameo pushes it over the dreaded two minute mark, it adds enough diversity to justify the choice (keep an eye out for the quick Green Day lyrical nod in the back half).

67) AJJ - “Normalization Blues”

This dropped in January, and if you thought the year was bad then. Punk News:

I'll admit I do want the album to age badly because I really don't want to have to listen to it years later and still say this is the world we're living in.

Said album being titled “Good Luck Everybody” is straight cryptic.

66) Selena Gomez - “Rare”

Very chill for big pop; triplet rhythm singing in the chorus gets me erry time.

65) Kid Cudi & Eminem - “The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady”

Cudi’s second split collab yields bigger results than his Travis Scott joint (admittedly with a worse beat here). It rarely ever hurts to let Eminem do the heavy lifting.

64) Alkaline Trio - “Smokestack”

A little cheerier than the average Alk3 song, but Dan Andriano seems like he’s been in a great place for a long time now; confident and in control. For me, the whole song builds up to the “You changed my life” chorus.

63) Frank Turner - “Scavenger Type”

Here, Frank takes on the acoustic closer to NOFX’s legendary 1994 album “Punk In Drublic”. Though the energy boost is most noticeable, my favorite part is how you can hear how much Turner loves this song as his melody bursts on the verses.

62) Mike Posner - “Alone In A Mansion”

Mike Posner, an artist I have a very soft spot for, released a storytelling concept album in 2020. From the intro track:

This album was written, recorded, and produced over a period of two weeks in Detroit, Michigan in my parents' basement. It's meant to be listened to all the way through. At least on the first listen. And it's about 36 minutes long. If you can't devote 36 minutes of undivided attention to this album, I again politely ask that you turn it off and return at a later time. I love you and I thank you for taking the time to listen in the first place. Also, it's important to note that the characters and the stories in this album are completely fictional. In addition, anyone struggling with a mental illness - depression, schizophrenia - should not listen to this album. Turn it off.

So those are the stakes. Pulling this song -- the record’s closer -- feels unfair void of context, but them’s the breaks.

61) Nada Surf - “Just Wait”

Heavy hitting chorus without having to be heavy; this could really work in a movie.

60) Matt Pond PA - “Wild Heart”

This having only 805 views on YouTube is criminal.

59) Liquid Death - “Unnecessary And Unimpressive”

Liquid Death -- in this iteration -- is a punk rock supergroup with members of Rise Against, Anti-Flag, The Lawrence Arms, and The Bombpops. If that didn’t interest you enough, all lyrics in the project (which, I believe, is for charity) come from hateful comments or negative reviews. Of the four artists involved, this sounds most like a Bombpops song, with Jen on lead vocals as others chime in.

58) PUP - “Rot”

Off my silver medalist for album name of the year (“This Place Sucks Ass”), PUP doesn’t do anything new here, but it was relieving to see them still going in 2020 when so many others got roadblocked, both physically and creatively.

57) Paul Harrold and the Nuclear Bandits - “Massanutten”

This reminds me of local Chicago artist Al Scorch. So much earnestness in the vocals, but a little more prairie for Harrold compared to speakeasy for Scorch. This would be a good road trip song. And I’m not talking about singalong... more for the stretch where you want to sit in silence and look out at the sun-kissed land blazing by. The song’s greatest victory is getting me to like something that cracks 6:00.

Note to future me: Massanutten is in Virginia (saved you a Google).

56) Kesha f/ Sturgill Simpson, Brian Wilson & Wrabel - “Resentment”

Kesha has been vulnerable in the past but never this stripped down sonically; the chorus would feel right at home on a country radio station. Love a good bridge, too.

55) Megan Thee Stallion f/ Beyoncé - “Savage (Remix)”

An up-and-comer pairing with a legend rarely lets down when both sides are this locked in. Bey wins. Fav line: “If you don't jump to put jeans on, baby, you don't feel my pain”.

She matches flows with Megan but also brings melody. Her blessing takes this song from pretty damn good to undeniably great.

That beat, too.

54) Red City Radio - “Baby Of The Year”

If all you want to do right now is grab a drink in a bar, here is a video built to troll.

(Also: a Liquid Death cameo?!)

53) Nathaniel Rateliff - “And It’s Still Alright”

The last time Mr. Rateliff had our attention, he just wanted a drink. That hit had a chorus with the very-sad-when-removed-from-the-song “If I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away” lyric. Well, our man got sober since. And when the party is over, the introspection comes.

52) Direct Hit! - “HAVE YOU SEEN IT?”

Listening to slowed down Direct Hit! is like watching Usain Bolt lightly jog. It kinda makes sense because the core action is there, but it also feels sort of incorrect.

51) Hayley Williams - “Dead Horse”

Solo Hayley songs have this feel like they could do anything at any time... but then don’t. This one does the same until a very fun chorus breaks it up.

50) Kid Cudi f/ Phoebe Bridgers - “Lovin’ Me”

Probably the most improbable collab on this list (if 2020 hadn’t repeatedly taught us to not be surprised by anything).

49) The Homeless Gospel Choir - “Don’t Compare”

Listening to The Homeless Gospel Choir is kind of like getting a dedicated pep talk from a good friend... while fire rains down from the sky.

48) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Let’s Sort The Whole Thing Out”

Queen vocals with one prince of a tempo; this chorus is Sour Patch Kids riding Twix logs down a soda pop waterfall -- and it’s a b-side.

47) Green Day - “Meet Me On The Roof”

I like this song because it reminds me of summer and because it doesn’t really sound like Green Day (but still totally does).

46) Broadway Calls - “Meet Me On The Moon”

Promise -- swear -- I was gonna compare this Broadway Calls song to Green Day before realizing they both had titles about meeting in an escalated location. That said, I did put them next together on purpose to more coherently make this point.

45) David Rokos - “Building Bridges”

My buddy Dave wrote this song, and I think I’ve asked him three times what “burning sugar” meant (he says it’s a reference to absinthe). This song will make you want to travel to enjoy not only the places but the people around you.

44) Charli XCX - “claws”

Charli XCX keeps it futuristic in a video that could be described as sexy, cheesy, goofy, and playful-yet-serious.

43) Brian Fallon - “Lonely For You Only”

This is too easy and should not work (and maybe doesn’t). But that chorus... that circular phrasing... it still takes me all the way out. But I’m the same cat who proposed while a Gaslight Anthem cover was playing.

42) Waxahatchee - “Fire”

This song could be in a different language and hit just as hard.

41) Harry Styles - “Adore You”

Purifying pop.

40) Local H - “Hold That Thought”

Hardest rock song thus far. Local H was one of the first artists to play “live” once the lockdown hit (on a simultaneous YouTube/Facebook stream), and watching them attack music in their Chicago practice bunker felt a little bit like taking in the end of the world. New songs, old songs, covers -- it didn’t matter; their cool, unmatched apathy fits a pandemic or peacetime.

Ironically, was able to see them live in 2020, as they played a socially distanced, outdoor drive up concert in a minor league baseball parking lot. It wasn’t the same, but it was still something.

39) Crazy & The Brains - “I Don’t Deliver Pizza Anymore”

This song is just cool*. The verses feel tense and crucial, it starts to unspool in the pre-chorus, and the chorus itself feels like a light comedown more than anything else.

(* -  though the lyric video is docked some points for spelling y’all as “ya’ll”)

38) Drake f/ Fivio Foreign & Sosa Geek - “Demons”

Menacing Drizzy can be very fun from time to time. Also more than happy to keep “Toosie Slide” very far away from this list.

37) Hey Dad!!! - “Life’s Alright”

Small band, big song; though summer feels light-years away.

36) insignificant other - “i’m so glad i feel this way about you”

This song lands a big haymaker in the first few seconds, so it was probably a good call to pull back some for the chorus and, eventually, outro.

35) BTS - “Dynamite”

Heard they made the lyrics bad on purpose for their English hit, which makes sense, because they’re bad. That said, if you listen knowing they’re supposed to be bad, it kinda makes them... good? Listen, 771 million views would have me singing nursery rhymes in Pig Latin.

34) DaBaby f/ RODDY RICCH - “ROCKSTAR”

Someone said this could be the song of the summer, but, because there wasn’t really a summer, I feel like I only heard it once all year. Also, are we really pretending Post Malone* didn’t just do a “like a rockstar” song three years ago?

(* - and N.E.R.D. before that and Cypress Hill before that... though N.E.R.D. only waiting a year after Cypress, so maybe DaBaby actually was patient)

33) The Front Bottoms - “the hard way”

Don’t take it easy on the animal / I am the animal

Not quite sure what this line means, but I fixate on the phrasing every single time. This song sounds resigned in a very self-aware way.

32) The 1975 - “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)”

For a band called The 1975, they sure sound like they’re on their ‘80s shit here. Also, a real thing that happened:

Me: Is he coercing her to get naked?! I thought this band was woke.

/scans lyrics

/notices “She said” before the “Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes” line

Me: Ahh.

Sax solo, take us out.

31) Charly Bliss & PUP - “It’s Christmas And I Fucking Miss You”

A song that is already a forever staple on all my future Xmas playlists.

30) 2 Chainz f/ Ty Dolla $ign & Lil Duval - “Can’t Go For That”

Shorty said she love me / I said “I love me back”

This is a real genre blur; rap at its core, but also soulful, funky, and very danceable. Damn creative.

29) Billie Eilish - “Therefore I Am”

Billie's 2020 gave a few singles -- but no new album -- and a body shaming scandal where the backlash to the backlash probably caused more headlines than the tweet that started it all. Still, she stays on cruise control above the clouds; can all eyes be on you if they can’t even make you out?

Video for this is fun, too. Not sure if her running amok in an empty mall is more of a COVID necessity or commentary on the dying retail industry. As always with her, fill in your own blanks for now.

28) Future f/ Drake - “Life Is Good”

This was my most listened to rap song in the first half of the year, and bumping again now, almost forgot how good it is. Drake just chasing one-liner Instagram captions in the first half:

- “Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up”

- “N****s caught me slipping once, OK, so what?”

- “B****, this is fame not clout, I don’t even know what that’s about”

And, of course, “Workin’ on the weekend like usual”. The man could make anything glamorous. Let’s hit that H&R Block, bro!

Future’s back half is a totally different song and feels mostly like noise, but the vibe is cool, so I don’t even totally mean that in a bad way. You can even make out a “Got Promethazine in my blood and Percocet” lyric to mark your Future bingo card and immediately move on.

27) I’m Glad It’s You - “The Silver Cord”

This song feels like cold air blowing on the back of your neck.

(Sidebar: thought this band was called The Silver Cord until literally right now)

26) The Spill Canvas - “Mercy”

A dreamy, distorted, at-home version of whatever you remember The Spill Canvas sounding like. This song is confessional and at peace, with the Grade A self-loathing we’ve come to love from this band.

25) 100 gecs f/ Charli XCX, Rico Nasty & Kero Kero Bonito - “ringtone (remix)”

100 gecs first hit my radar with the explosively obnoxious “money machine”, but that’s a 2019er, so this remix to “ringtone” will have to do. It’s catchy like a younger sibling persistently singing a song you’re sick of hearing*.

(* - /only child trying to work in sibling analogies)

24) iann dior f/ Machine Gun Kelly & Travis Barker - “Sick And Tired”

Iann Dior -- ...yeah -- channels Juice WRLD on the hook, and MGK/Travis Barker buoy a track that, honestly, doesn’t really even need the help.

23) Nick Lutsko - “Unleash Your Spirit”

Lutsko hit my radar on Twitter with some legendary political anthems (word to the RNC and Dan Bongino + his Dashboard Trump parody). “Unleash Your Spirit” is the song I most fear hearing (or even thinking of) within a few minutes of going to bed. Not because it’s Halloween theme is scary -- because it’s that god damn catchy. It permeates your brain. True story: a week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with “Bobbing for apples with the boys” so ingrained in my head, it felt like someone was standing there yelling it through a megaphone.

22) Dogleg - “Kawasaki Backflip”

Bad 2020 robbed many concerts from us, and not getting to see this band live might take the cake. I end the year liking them but could have been *all in* with the right performance and the right venue. Also, Song Title of the Year until further notice.

21) Eminem f/ Juice WRLD - “Godzilla”

Eminem has all of the words and all of the lyrical dexterity, but sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything to ground him. Enter: one of the best beats he’s ever spit on and a Juice WRLD hook to give it pop angle. But let’s not put Slim in the corner -- when he starts accelerating at the end, it’s is a true “holy fuck” moment. It sounds faster than if you actually fast forwarded.

The video ends with a touching audio message from Juice WRLD.

20) Soccer Mommy - “circle the drain”

This song is so gloriously ‘90s; it leans in and does not care.

19) Sam Russo - “Always Lost”

The first time I met you, we were on the last bus You passed me a bottle, and I knew you were one of us

Took 25 words to hook me; I was txting friends before the first chorus even hit.

18) Sincere Engineer - “Trust Me”

Deanna Belos pushes her vocals in this one. I asked about the performance, and she said it was one of the first ones they recorded in the studio, but when they were done and listening back to everything, she re-did this track because her throat was much more used to what the song required.

“That’s why it sounds like I’m on roids lol,” she added.

17) Jay Electronica f/ JAY-Z - “Flux Capacitor”

Jay Electronica signed to Roc Nation in November of 2010. At of the start of 2020, he had still -- STILL HOW FUCKING STILL -- not released a debut album. When he announced it was finally dropping in February, it was met with skeptic eyes. He’d “announced” before. Shit, he’d even posted track lists of albums that never saw the light of day. He was a tease’s tease. It ended up getting a release date of March 12. As the pandemic got really bad in the March 11 zone, he finally had an actual reason to delay the proceedings (the plan: a studio live stream listening party*).

But no -- this is Jay Electronica. Why wouldn’t he drop as the world was ending? The same reason why his costar wouldn’t not have a watch like a Saudi prince. It had to end for it to happen. I wish I saved the memes, because they were fantastic. All I have is my own Twitter memory to prove it happened:

I love this song entirely: the “get the gat” hook (soooo New Orleans), Hov calling out the NFL/acquaintances clout chasing his potential death/rapping forever bars, Jay Elect’s ham-fisted and awkward ass Farrakhan line. Everything is exactly where it should be.

Final verdict on the full album: I don’t know, a B or B+? It had a lot more Jay-Z than expected (wooo), but -- and I rarely say this -- it could have actually been longer.

16) New Found Glory - “Greatest Of All Time”

NFG with a song referencing the Jordan-Rodman-Pippen Bulls only a few months before “The Last Dance” aired. Dare we call it marketing genius? The punk beat does not care; the punk beat is too busy taking souls.

15) Dave Hause f/ Amythyst Kiah & Kam Franklin - “Your Ghost”

“I can’t breathe”

On the heels of the George Floyd/BLM protests came Dave Hause’s somber attempt to capture the moment, desperation, and hurt. On a podcast, he said he was aware he might not ever lead the movement but still wanted to contribute something in an effort to use his platform as a white artist to change someone, anyone’s mind going forward.

14) Taylor Swift - “this me trying”

The chorus makes me feel like the crowd is parting like the Red Sea on a high school -- shit, no, middle school -- dance floor; smoke machine and all. Your crush is waiting for you on the other side. What are you going to say?

13) Phoebe Bridgers - “Kyoto”

Phoebe is one of the best lyricists out because of her specificity, but even though this song is about her dad, you can really fit it to your own narrative.

12) The Lawrence Arms - “Last, Last Words”

The Lawrence Arms wrote their new record (which singer Chris McCaughan described as “this end of the world outpost”) prior to the pandemic, but once you start to process album themes -- and research its namesake -- you do wonder. All of this, combined with some “Catcher In The Rye” references, and we’ve got ourselves a winning formula.

Dressed to kill for oblivion 

11) New Lenox - “Fairytale Of Gary, Indiana”

Your boy plays drums and is on the cover art for this one. Dave Rokos wrote the tune, which references The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Good news: no slurs in the Gary version. We’ll have you in and out in 90 seconds. Also: say hello to the recording debut of Alisa Caruso (some backup vox at the end). 

10) Beach Slang - “Tommy In The 80s”

My most played song of 2020, but it really was more of a byproduct of how early in the year the album dropped. I’m still such a sucker for it, though. Other than forced nostalgia, not totally sure what the track is about. Did learn Beach Slang recruited former Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson to play on their LP, which was named -- /deepest of breaths -- “The Deadbeat Bang of Heartbreak City” (so maybe it has something to do with that).

9) Juice WRLD f/ Mashmello - “Come & Go”

The :55 mark. Wait until the :55 mark. When the guitar kicks in and tempo doubles, we have a real “oh, shit!” moment. I knew who Juice was when he passed but only “Liquid Dreams”. His 2020 album (“Legends Never Die”) showed us of what could have been; 55 minutes, loaded with cameos and creativity and experimentation. This song had me in its gravitational pull immediately. By the end of the year, they were using it on sports broadcasts, and it felt like a ubiquitous part of the culture.

One of my favorite days of 2020 was visiting the Juice mural in Chicago with my wife. We went impulsively during the day after someone posted a picture on Twitter.

I snapped one of my own and posted to IG with the Signals Midwest lyric “There is such quiet grace in private moments in public spaces”. The band responded with “RIP JUICE”; the perfect online exchange.

Shortly after, I was out with a different group of friends, and we went back at night. This time, it was protected by a fence you had to squeeze past. When we got through, there were kids in there smoking, taking pictures, just hanging out; empty liquor bottles lined the bottom of the mural. Even though it didn’t take all that long to make it there, it still felt like a journey and total ‘movie moment in real life’; a complete rarity in a year like 2020.

8) Mac Miller - “Good News”

Maybe I’ll lay down for a little...

Sadly continuing the theme of artists gone too soon, we have this reflective Mac Miller single, which feels more like self-eulogy than traditional rap. You feel it the entire time. The song crests with “There’s a whole lot more for me waitin’ on the other side”, and it conveys a readiness for whatever happens next.

7) The Dirty Nil - “Done With Drugs”

I don’t pray to Jesus or even own a suit

We lost the creators of our last two songs to substances, and, if we are to take this song at face value, The Dirty Nil don’t want to go down the same path. Drying out never sounded so cool and defiant... until the IKEA suggestion.

6) The Weeknd - “Blinding Lights”

Uptempo Abel is undefeated. My favorite pop song of 2020 has you feeling like you’re speeding through the empty streets of nighttime Las Vegas in a stolen car; indifferent to your environment, only tuned in to your personal desire.

And, on the lamer side of the spectrum, it spawned a catchy TikTok dance.

5) Spanish Love Songs - “Self-Destruction (As A Sensible Career Choice)”

It won’t be this bleak forever... yeah, right.

SLS has always been over-the-top with their lyrics spotlighting the hopelessness of the human condition -- so it was the *perfect* combo to being locked inside with nothing looking to forward to. Bonus: fun cake video.

Though the song’s core is uncut despair, a random moment I remember from 2020 was my wife telling me “I can hear you smiling as you’re singing” from another room as I belted the despondent chorus.

4) Worst Party Ever - “False Teeth”

This song sounds like The Front Bottoms; insecure yet so full.

3) Run The Jewels - “the ground below”

There were a lot of songs *about* 2020, but I’m not sure any artist soundtracked what being alive now is like more than RTJ. My favorite rap song and rap record of 2020.

Fav Killer Mike line: “Not a holy man, but I'm moral in my perversiveness / So I support the sex workers unionizing their services”

Fav El-P line: “I'll slap a dying child he don't pronounce my name correct”

2) The Menzingers - “America Pt. 2″

The Menzingers unexpectedly released an acoustic, re-done version of 2019′s “America (You’re Freaking Me Out)” single. It dropped on my birthday -- June 5th, 2020 -- as the rage in this country boiled over and protesters took to the streets. Though some of the lyrics remained the same, the new ones were changed with true purpose:

Well George Floyd was murdered by a cop The whole world saw the video and watched Now justice is long overdue Grab your pitchforks, we’re heading to Pennsylvania Avenue

I had nothing left when the first pre-chorus hit: “I hope the Devil and Donald and Mitch McConnell rot in hell for all tomorrows”. Tattoo this on my fucking soul.

All funds from the song were donated to Community Bail Funds (via Act Blue) & Campaign Zero. I purchased the track before hearing a note.

1) Machine Gun Kelly - “My Bloody Valentine”

Going into the year, I couldn’t tell you the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Mac Miller -- now they’re both fixtures in this Top 10. All I really knew about MGK involved tattoos and a rap battle lost to Eminem (not that anyone ever beats Eminem).

In 2020, he took a punk/emo turn, with the services of GOAT drummer Travis Barker and new squeeze Megan Fox at his side. This song’s lyrics could potentially be cheesy but aren’t -- they all land. From the simulation going bad to not wanting “fake love” to all the damn second guessing and the earnestness that just won’t let you off the mat.

Every piece to the puzzle adds something: the messy hair, the Ken doll build, the forced iconic pink guitar that now feels actually iconic. It was almost like no one had any fun this year so he could have all of it on our behalf. There’s a half second shot of him sticking his tongue our during the pre-chorus, a joy 99.99% of us never got to feel.

The album itself was just as fantastic*; a 2000′s pop punk throwback with a Halsey duet, horrible skits (hi, Pete Davidson FaceTime), OpIvy lyrical nod (complete with a royalty check), a warp speed punk track that doesn’t even crack the minute mark, your token 6/8 ballad, acoustic closer (about his daughter), and some experimentation that leaves the new genre but still stays nearby; shades of Lil Peep, if he had Blink-182 as his backing band. Speaking of, please do not miss Travis’ fill at the 2:30 mark.

(* - named “Tickets To My Downfall”... woof)

MGK could get cancelled tomorrow, but we’ll always have this year in a bottle. The acoustic version of the song (sung in a lower resister), the 10 minute making of video (that I watched, uh, twice)... shit, he even turned it into a medley at the start of 2021.

It might be cliche to say “stay winning”, but when someone stacks this many W’s with no end in sight, what the fuck else do you call it? Real love.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Here is the Spotify playlist (includes 87 of the 88 songs).

[calumrose]

Trigger [Police/Gang!AU] Chapter 1 || C.H

A//N: I’m in two minds about holding back posting parts because I’m actually in the middle of working on chapter 9 currently, so I’m debating on waiting until I maybe get feedback to see if this is going anywhere, but at the same time I want to get it out as soon as I can so I can be satisfied that I’ve published a whole piece of work by me. 

Chapters are going to get a little bit chunky so I hope that’s okay, I got carried away at certain points as you’ll find out as time goes on. 

Hope you guys enjoy this even just a little bit.

Love you all!

btw: we meet Calum in this part so... we getting somewhere now.

Word Count: 8.1k

Summary: Eloise Gray and Calum Hood, not two people you would ever think to put together. What started as a ploy for power turned into a romance, resulting in the realisation that loving your enemy may not be such a bad thing after all.

Previous Chapters: Prologue

The loud screech of a horn invaded Eloise’s apartment, the barbaric noise ripping her from her peaceful slumber. It was her own fault for sleeping with the window open, every noise travelling into her bedroom from the streets. Her hand reached for her duvet, groaning softly as she hauled it up towards her head, wrapping herself in its warmth as she hid herself from the empty apartment that she called home.

Today of all days she had prayed for a lie in, for those few extra hours of bliss before she would have to get up and face the world. She didn’t sleep for long anyway but even just an hour or two extra would have been a treat for her, especially today. It would have been the best birthday gift anyone could have given her.

She released a single arm from the warmth of her duvet, grasping her mobile phone from her bedside table, removing the charging cable before tossing it to the floor and turning over so she faced the door of her bedroom. She unlocked her phone, being greeted with a few notifications from varied apps and a few text messages. Eloise couldn’t help but smile fondly at the happy birthday text from Scott, noting that it had been sent just moments after midnight. Obviously, he had to be the first one. She responded a quick ‘thank you’ text before opening her varied social media accounts, scrolling through the fake ‘happy birthday’ posts from people she no longer spoke to. She had contemplated deleting some of these apps but argued against it, guiltily enjoying watching drama unfold online in the comfort of her own home.

The sound of the phone ringing was too loud for Eloise first thing in the morning, sighing as she witnessed the name flash across the screen as his picture lit up with his big cheesy smile she hated to admit made her have one of the same emotion.

“What do you wan- “

“Happy birthday to my best friend! Oh, happy birthday to the one and only, Eloise Gray!” A loud voice sang through the phone, “Oh, she is twenty-one years old and is no longer underage today!”

“Are you done?” She laughed through the line.

“Not quite,” He clarified, clearing his throat before continuing with his made-up birthday song, “Miss Eloise Gray is an adult, she is legal! She can become black out with the best of them! She doesn’t need a fake ID anymore! She is fully legal to party!”

He dragged out that final note, his voice fading out to the sound of a scratched record, erupting a laugh from Eloise. He was always so over the top when it came to her birthday. No one could blame him. He always wanted to make it a day for her to cherish, a day full of fun memories that she could recall and laugh at. He put everything into making sure she had a fun birthday, throwing her a party every year with their friends, strictly confining the invitation list to those outside of the gang to allow Eloise to have a night off, a night where it was just her, Scott, and a bunch of their normal friends.

“Now I’m done,” He cleared his throat with a cough, the sound of his boots beneath him signalling that he was walking somewhere.

“Thank you,” She smiled helplessly, unable to get rid of the appreciative tone in her voice, “It’s a new one to add to the collection of birthday songs.”

“The best yet.”

“That’s debatable, Scott.”

She giggled at his fake offended gasp, smiling as she sat up in her bed, her back against the headboard as she listened into the background of his call. “Where are you? It sounds busy.” She stuck her leg out of the confinements of her duvet, feeling the cold fresh New York air constrict around her warm skin.

“On my way to get you,” He replied casually, “It’s your birthday, El, we have to celebrate like never before. And by that, I mean we need to go all out and have a full-blown party,”

“Isn’t that what we do every year?” She countered.

“Well, yes, but this time it’s going to be even better, you wanna know why?” He teased.

“I have a feeling you’re going to tell me anyway,” She smirked, hearing his frustrated groan through the line before hearing a creak of a door that echoed on the other end the phone.

“Can’t you just play along for once in your miserable life?” He sighed loudly, the sound of his feet being heard through the line getting louder, it sounded like he was walking up some stairs, the footsteps echoing as if he was in a stairwell.

“No because that’s no fun for me,” She laughed lightly, “But anyway, enlighten me on how this year is gonna be better?”

“Isn’t it obvious? You’re twenty-one, we can go out into bars and clubs now without having to worry if you’re gonna get caught out with a fake ID,” He spoke with an obvious tone, speaking to Eloise as if she was stupid, “Which means we need to go out tonight and make sure that we remember absolutely nothing by tomorrow morning, so all that we can remember is what we can piece together by the numerous photographs and embarrassing videos that we will use to torment each other for the foreseeable future.”

“Are you still mad about that video of you dancing to Beyoncé that went slightly viral?” Eloise queried with a knowing tone, unable to stop the smirk spreading across her face at the memory of her birthday two years ago.

They had thrown a house party for her birthday, their friends all piling into her apartment as they spent hours together drinking, singing karaoke, and playing a hopeless amount of drunk board and card games. It was definitely a highlight of her birthday, one that she didn’t ever forget; mainly resulting in many embarrassing videos that never failed to make them smile over the years.

“Only slightly,” He said, a door slamming behind his words as he continued to move.

“You really need to get over that, it was two years ago, and it was funny,” Eloise couldn’t hold back her laugh, “You should lighten up, Scott.”

“And you should get dressed.”

Eloise looked up at the sudden voice that spoke both through her phone but also from the body that stood in her bedroom. She hadn’t even heard her door open and close when Scott entered, finding him stood in front of her as he held the phone by his ear still. Eloise lowered the phone, hanging up the call as she kept her eyes focused on the blonde boy who stood present, “What on earth are you doing here? What happened to ringing a doorbell or even better: telling me that you’re outside?”

“Eh that’s no fun,” He shrugged, smirking as he wandered over to Eloise’s wardrobe before opening it and searching through her clothes, “Also, a quick heads up that you need to look good tonight. By ‘good’ I mean the kind where even I would look at you and go ‘holy shit I want to take her home with me’.”

“You mean you don’t think that anyway?” She teased, winking at his tall stature as he glanced over his shoulder to where she sat on her bed.

“Dear god no,” He scrunched up his face, “I can’t think of anything worse; it would be like having sex with my sister.”

Eloise couldn’t hold back the snort that left her at his remark. He wasn’t wrong. The relationship the two of them shared was very much one of a brother/sister rather than friends. They hid nothing from one another and loved each other as if they really were siblings. He was the big brother that Eloise never had.

“What would you class as ‘good’ then?” She asked, rolling her eyes as she lifted herself out of her bed, moving across the room so she was stood behind him as he searched her wardrobe.

“Wasn’t my explanation before a perfect representation of what it means?” He asked, his eyes focusing on hauling different fabrics out of the cupboard.

“Not really.” She said straight, hearing him let out a short sigh as he continued his search. “Are you seriously going through my clothes right now to pick out an outfit for me?” She rolled her eyes as she witnessed the expression on his face, the corners of her lips turned up ever so slightly at the determination in his eyes.

He didn’t say anything else in the moment as he removed a number of tops from her wardrobe and placed them down on her bed. He returned to the wardrobe to do the same with bottoms and shoes. He would have chosen her underwear as well, but he assumed that was probably going too far.

Eloise confirmed, that was definitely going too far.

“These are your options,” He said, pointing at the variety of clothes spread against her bed, “I’ve expertly sifted through your clothes and pulled out these items that will work with each other regardless of your combination which will make you look gorgeous tonight,” He smiled at her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he pulled her into a side hug, “Like I said, tonight we are going all out and you are going to have the time of your life, even if it kills me. You are going to look stunning when you walk into the bar and you will have every single man in said bar desperate to dance with you, I promise.”

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or concerned at the amount of effort that you’re putting into this.” She spoke wearily.

“Can you just shut up and appreciate that I’m trying to do something nice for you?” He exaggerated his sigh and glared down at her, his arm lightly squeezing her as he pressed a loving kiss to the top of her head, “You deserve it for once, El, to just enjoy your night as you and not have to worry about anything else.”

“Is it hurting you to be this nice to me?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Very.” He nodded, trying to hold a serious expression.

Eloise couldn’t hold back her laugh as she turned to fully envelope Scott in a hug, wrapping her arms around him as she smiled. As much as he joked with her about how it killed him to be nice to her, she knew that it was all he ever was towards her. He was the best.

“Now can you hurry up and pick an outfit, I’m hungry,” He grumbled, releasing her, and gently pushing her towards her bed so she could piece together an outfit for her to wear tonight.

She stopped in her tracks halfway between Scott and her bed, turning in place to face him yet again, “Wait, why am I picking so early anyway?” She turned back to him, “If we’re going out tonight, I shouldn’t need to worry about what I’m wearing until later. Also, Scott, it’s not even 10am, why are we planning this now? Why not this afternoon?”

“Because you and I both have a free day, so I’m taking advantage,” He sighed as if it was obvious, “If we do this now, then we’ve got more time for our annual birthday breakfast as well as a few extra surprises I have in store for you.” He noted the small smile that spread along Eloise’s face, unable to hold back his own at the knowledge that it was genuine.

He lived for seeing his best friend smile, knowing she never had much to smile about. It warmed him to know he could do this for her on her birthday of all days.

*****

Eloise’s head slammed against the table in embarrassment as numerous employees of the café walked out from the staff door at the far side of the pastel coloured dining room, an eruption of voices singing happy birthday as they carried over a stack on pancakes to her table and set them down in front of her. Her eyes glared at Scott as he laughed, joining in with the song as he watched Eloise’s cheeks light up a bright shade of pink.

“I am going to kill you.” She grumbled over the voices that sang to her, her eyes unable to find a focal point as she felt the stares and smiles of strangers on her back who watched as the festivity continued around her.

After what felt like forever, the elderly employee wished Eloise happy birthday with a genuine smile spread across her face as she and the other employees disbursed and went back to work. The strangers around them also went back to their own food, socialising with those who sat opposite them in their booths. Eloise could slowly feel the eyes that were previously on her begin to dissipate, the burning sensation that rose on the back of her neck simmering down gently.

“You are so lucky that I have pancakes in front of me,” She warned, “If it were anything else, I swear I would throw it across the table at you.”

“’Thank you, Scott, that was so lovely and thoughtful of you’,” He mimicked her in a high pitched voice, “Oh no worries, El, just trying to do my part to make sure your birthday is a memorable one.”

She couldn’t help the goofy smile that graced her face as she looked at him. He was really trying to make this a day to remember. She appreciated the thought - although not the embarrassment - but the kindness behind the gesture that took place was one that made her smile with genuine thanks.

“You’re such an idiot,” She laughed as she cut into her food, shaking her head, “You would kill me if I did this for your birthday.”

“Exactly, which is why I can do it for you,” He shrugged, “But also the fact that I like my birthday is the reason why I would kill you for pulling a stunt like this, you on the other hand, despise the day so I pull out as many stops as I like to make it a day you can enjoy. And it looks like I am succeeding yet again for another year.”

It was sickening how lovely and thoughtful Scott could be when he tried. It was a polar opposite side to him compared to when he was tied up in the gang. The same could be said for Eloise, both of them acting almost completely different when in that situation.

The mood of breakfast subtly shifted while they ate; the change being noticed by Scott rather quickly as he watched while Eloise picked at her food. “What’s on your mind?” He asked, lifting a piece of toast to his mouth as he took a bite.

“It’s nothing,” She shook her head, smiling up at him, “Just thinking about how I’m going to finish these pancakes.”

“And what else?” He raised an eyebrow, watching as her breath hitched in her throat ever so slightly.

Usually when something bugged her and she brushed him off, he let it slide. He wouldn’t pester her, knowing that if it got bad then she would usually talk to him. But he knew she was vulnerable especially right now, her birthdays typically rolling with the same routine where she had a low moment or two before they were replaced with fun and adrenaline later on in the night.

“Honestly, it’s nothing.”

“El, please- “

“I said it was nothing so drop it!” She warned, glaring at him from across the table. She sighed deeply as she dropped her fork and placed her head in her hands, knowing she was just letting things get on top of her as she usually did on this day each year. She knew she would move past it and be fine in a few hours, but she couldn’t help but dwell on the maybes that circled her mind.

“You know you can always vis- “

“I’m not doing that,” She shook her head, not even looking at Scott as she cut him off, “There’s no way in hell I’m going there, especially today.”

“As much as it hurts, you’re going to have to do it one day,” Scott sighed as he leaned back in his chair, “Whether you want to or not, El, because you need to.”

“Go to hell.” She muttered, pushing her plate away from her, her stomach suddenly becoming sick at the thought of the pancakes that sat in front of her.

“Unfortunately for you I don’t think they’re quite ready for me yet,” Scott joked, “Maybe tomorrow if you’re lucky.”

He could sense the roll of her eyes from beneath her hands, a soft sigh building in his chest as he watched his best friend dwell on the memories that followed her with every step that she took in life. He did ask himself if one day she would get the closure she didn’t know she needed, if one day she would find the happiness she craved; not the happiness that she felt when she was having a good time with friends but instead a happiness where she could wake up in the morning and look at her life and love every moment she breathed. He wanted that for her more than most.

*****

She couldn’t stop staring at the clothes that were laid out for her on the bed, her eyes scanning over the different materials as she pieced them together in her mind. Was she crazy for being so bold? Well, most people wouldn’t call her outfit of choice for the nigh bold but for Eloise, this was definitely a step out of her comfort zone.

“You better be getting ready!” A voice called through the closed door of her room.

“Yeah.” She responded, fake conviction in her tone as she kept her eyes plastered on the mesh long-sleeved top that was staring back at her, as if playing an intimidation game.

Maybe she would feel better if she just got dressed, yeah maybe that would fix her nerves. Nerves? Is that what they were? She never feared a night out before so why was tonight any different?

Her fingers trailed over the blue denim skirt on her bed, sighing as she remembered the day that she had bought it. Well, the day it had been bought for her. She couldn’t fight the underlying twitch in her heart as she remembered the woman who bought her this skirt, remembering her almost as well as her own mother. Scott’s parents always looked out for her, and always bought her nice things for her birthday every year when she stayed with them, celebrating the day with great joy and treasuring the sentimental value that they carried with all celebrations. The denim skirt was the last thing Scott’s mother had bought for her before she left, it being found in a thrift store on one of her monthly escapades, seeing it and instantly thinking of Eloise. It was simple yet intricate, much the opposite of the girl who wore it.

Eloise, get over yourself and just get dressed for crying out loud! She scolded herself as she sighed, rubbing her face with her hands before she began to get dressed, silently trying to convince herself that she would feel better in a few hours.

Scott had pieced together their entire night, the birthday celebrations estimating to last until the early hours of the next morning as per usual on their nights out. Eloise couldn’t deny she was just a little bit excited about tonight, the buzz gently floating around in her stomach at the thought of spending time with her friends, allowing herself to feel like a normal girl living in the Big Apple.

She couldn’t stop her eyes from drifting to herself in the mirror as she stood in her bedroom, the minimal décor suddenly making her feel as if she was out of place, as if to feel unwelcome as the colours of her outfit contrasted against the neutral theme of her room. Her eyes followed the outline of her outfit, biting the inside of her cheek as she looked at where the skirt ended midthigh, the waistline of the denim material blending into the black mesh top she wore where her offending dark green lace bralette could be seen through the thin material.

Her choice of outfit was bold tonight when it came to her usual taste in clothes. She knew teasing comments would be made tonight by her friends, awaiting the joking remarks they would make in response to her somewhat bold choices. She would blame Scott for the decision, like she always did.

The sound of her bedroom door opening tore her eyes from the mirror, meeting her tall friend as he stood in the doorway and watched as the dark-haired beauty in front of him nit-picked at herself.

“Not too shabby,” He smirked, admiring his best friend as she stood in front of him, “Is that some colour I see?”

“Shut up,” She rolled her eyes, moving to walk past him and nudging past his shoulder as she walked out into her hallway, making her way into the kitchen to pour herself a drink. He always made her feel good, made her feel confident, and she appreciated it when she didn’t have the energy to do it herself. She didn’t usually doubt how she looked, it typically being one of the last things on her mind as she travelled around in her staple black jeans, white t-shirt, and rugged leather jacket with her classic combat boots. “Drink?” She called out to Scott.

She reached onto the kitchen island, grasping hold of the first bottle neck that caught her attention, her eyes scanned the label. Yeah, that would do. She poured some of the copper liquid into one of the plastic cups she kept stored for nights like these, reaching over and grabbing the nearest soda she could find, pouring it into the cup, and creating the alcoholic concoction that she prayed would give her the buzz she so desperately desired. She then followed the same recipe for the mixture as she poured it into another cup and handed it to Scott, placing it in his hands before knocking her cup against his in a ‘cheers’ notion, lifting the cup to her lips as she took a large gulp of the bitter drink.

She scrunched her face up at the sharp taste, shaking her head once as if to adjust to the aftershock and slight burn that settled in the back of her throat.

“Are you not going to let me do a birthday toast to kick your birthday off in style?” Scott asked, his eyes furrowed slightly as he watched Eloise take another drink.

“Considering how bad your rendition of happy birthday was this morning,” She smirked, “I think I’ll pass. I would prefer if we focused on getting as tipsy as possible before the others arrive so we can head out and paint the town.”

“For once in your life, you’ve actually had a good idea.”

“Dickhead.” She mumbled under her breath, clinking her plastic cup with Scott’s as they continued to drink, preparing for the night ahead.

*****

Her body vibrated with the beat of the music as it erupted throughout Moxi’s. She could barely hear herself think as she moved to the music with her friends, unable to stop the smile that spread across her face, her cheeks aching pleasantly at the people around her.

Unable to fight the buzz that took over her mind and body as she moved around the floor, grasping the hand of her friend, Paige, as she helplessly – and terribly – danced around the glowing floor. Eloise had lost count of how long she had been dancing more, never mind how long she had been at the club for. She witnessed the bodies around her, depicting each one as her friends as they surrounded her, each one in their own world as they danced around, smiles across their faces while they lived in the moment.

It was times like this she lived for, the moments where she was surrounded by the people who she loved more than life itself.

“Have you noticed that guy at the bar?” The voice she deciphered belonging to her friend, Mia, spoke loudly to her. Eloise’s eyes drifted over to the bar to her right, the neon lights along the top of the bar and scattered along the back wall in different phrases and patterns catching her attention initially before she admired the crowd that spread along that side of the club. Her eyes searched as people were dispersed along the bar, many of them shouting out with a glimmer of hope to catch the attention of one of the few bar staff that were littered along the bar before they stopped on him. Eloise let her eyes settle on him for a moment, feeling Mia’s body stood beside her but the heat that radiated from the excited brunette beside her was the last thing on her mind. “He’s been watching you since you got up to dance.”

“Has he?” Eloise felt her lips turn up at the thought of being watched by an attractive stranger, “What if he was just- “

“El, he was staring at you. By staring, I mean the ‘I want to take her home and fuck her senseless’ kind of stare,” She blurted, “In the least creepy way possible if you can even do that.”

Eloise just let a simple hum slip pass her lips as her eyes met the stranger’s, unable to decipher much about him due to the distance between them, but the one thing she could work out was that he was hot.

The heat of a hand on her wrist tore her eyes from the stranger at the bar, the brown of her irises turning around to be met with the olive green ones of Roman, another one of her friends who had come out to celebrate her birthday. She couldn’t help the smile that stayed on her face as he dragged her further into the dance floor, bodies surrounding them as they danced. Although her smile never faltered, Eloise couldn’t help but feel the small seed of disappointment that settled in her stomach due to her short lived, silent interaction with the handsome stranger.

“Where’s Scott?” She leaned into Roman’s ear to talk, realising that she hadn’t seen the blond for a while, the music around them seeming to increase in volume the further into the dance floor they travelled.

“Last I saw him, he was kissing some girl outside the bathroom,” He responded loudly as he held one of Eloise’s hands, spinning her in place.

“That’s my Scotty!” She erupted into laughter, clapping her hands briefly together before they were grabbed again by the summer-eyed boy in front of her as the dance moves got more exaggerated and more chaotic.

Eloise knew she was going to be in pain by the morning, her feet already slightly burning at the heels she had been forced to wear out tonight by Paige but especially because the movements her body was eliciting were not ones her body was made for. God, she was going to regret this, but in the best way possible.

The night continued on as the music did, shifting from numerous electronica tracks to the few well-known classics that caused the club to erupt into cheers as people sang along drunkenly to the words that they swore they knew. Eloise couldn’t deny that her mind wandered on more than one occasion throughout the night, the handsome stranger filling her drunk brain as she sat at a table with her group of friends.

The smile on her face was a drunk one, but one of fun. She was having a blast, something that she always knew she had when the celebrations got truly under way every year. Scott had outdone himself yet again in making this a birthday she enjoyed. Her mind was distracted from the puzzles and memories that usually haunted her, instead filling it with a fairy-like haze as the alcohol settled in her system, her body radiating a gentle heat as she sat surrounded by the people who mattered. Even if one of them was an estranged young lady with bleached red hair.

“So, Scotty, who’s your friend?” Jackson smirked, head nodding towards the red head who made herself present on their friend’s lap. It couldn’t be faulted that she was pretty but definitely too drunk to know who’s lap she was perched on.

“This is Lydia,” Scott spoke, his voice deep as his eyes scanned down her body before slowly meeting her eyes once again, a filthy smirk creasing his lips as his eyes practically undressed her in the public building.

“Pig.” Eloise coughed, keeping her voice quiet as she teasingly smirked at her friend across the table.

What happened to tonight being the night where Eloise would find someone to take home? But as per usual, Scott beat her to it.

Or did he?

“Move.” She muttered suddenly, her knee nudging Jackson’s jean covered leg as she tried to make her way out of the booth, her hand shoving his shoulder to hurry him along.

“How charming,” He rolled his eyes, “What happened to saying please?”

“Just move. I gotta pee.” She groaned, shoving him a bit harder this time.

Small outbursts of chuckles and smiles were exchanged around the table as Eloise made her way out of the booth, gathering her balance as she walked through the club, her eyes finding the toilet door just to the right at the far side of the bar. Her heeled feet carried her steadily through the crowds, walking along the makeshift path made by the gap between the people stood along the bar and those on the higher tables above the dance floor.

Eloise couldn’t stop herself as she allowed her eyes to travel subtly along the bar, keeping an eye out for a certain individual, wondering if he was still around for her to catch a knowing glance. Realisation struck her as she reached the bathroom door, her mind stopping the disappointment in its tracks before it had the chance to settle. She didn’t need to feel that right now. So what? A handsome stranger caught her attention then vanished? It wouldn’t be the first time.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror when she exited the stall, noting the way her hair fell down her shoulders, the way her pupils were enlarged slightly due to the buzz of the alcohol she had consumed throughout the night, the way her makeup was slightly smudged due to the sweaty atmosphere of the bar. She didn’t care enough to fix it, in a way admiring how it still looked presentable. Although she wasn’t sure if that was genuine or if her vision was just playing tricks on her.

Eloise couldn’t help but smile as the thin arms of Paige appeared around her torso as she was squeezed into an awkward hug from behind. “How’re you doing?” Paige smiled, her bleached blonde hair curling perfectly around her thin face.

“Why does everyone ask me that?” Eloise sighed, the smile disappearing as she looked at the reflections of the mirror. Paige noted the way Eloise’s body tensed, her shoulders squaring and her breath catching as she met her chocolate eyes in the mirror, her arms remaining comfortably around her friend as she rested her cheek against Eloise’s back.

“Because we know that you’re hiding something,” She spoke quietly, “El, we know things are bad, but you’ve got us, you need to talk to us about stuff.”

“I’d prefer not to,” She spat, “No offence but you guys don’t know anything so stop pestering and just let me enjoy my night.”

“And how do you expect to do that when you can’t get out of your own head?”

“You’ll see.” She told her, standing up straight before looking towards the door of the bathroom.

She was going to find that stranger and show her friends exactly how she wasn’t in her own head. She was going to make tonight her night.

Paige slowly released Eloise from her grip, turning the girl in her arms and looking into her oak-coloured eyes, smiling sweetly at her before she nodded towards the door, “Let’s make this a night to remember then,” She cared for Eloise as much as they all did, she saw her as a little sister like they all did; each of them feeling this urge to protect her and look out for her even though they knew she was more than capable of doing it on her own. They just couldn’t fight their primal urges.

Eloise’s feet could barely keep up as Paige dragged her back out into the loud atmosphere, the lights flashing around her as she led her back out onto the dance floor, her hands linking with the blonde’s as they began to dance; hips swinging and heels clicking as they moved to the beat of the music. The upbeat thumping of the current electronic track began to fade out, the smooth scratch of a familiar track beginning to take its place as it blasted throughout the club speakers. Laughter was held back by Eloise at her friend’s ecstatic expression, eyes the size of her head, her hands gripping those of the tall brunette as she pulled her further into the middle of the dance floor, her hips turning sultrier by the second as her movements slowed down to match the beat of the music.

To hell with it, Eloise thought. She grinned widely as she joined in, her hips matching Paige’s rhythm as she stood opposite her, both of them fully losing themselves in the song that surrounded them, their eyes focused on each other when they weren’t closed as they embraced the alcoholic buzz. She couldn’t deny that she enjoyed the feeling of multiple pairs of eyes on her. She could feel them burning through the fabric of her thin top as well as her skirt as the fabric rode up ever so slightly on her thighs.

Her lips parted slightly as she softly sang the words along with the music, swaying her hips to the rhythm. They were soon joined by Roman who found them on the dance floor, his hands finding Paige’s waist as he swayed with her from behind.

Eloise couldn’t deny the subtle feeling of dread when Roman showed up, enjoying it before when it was just her and Paige dancing. When he came into the picture, it just felt as if she was a third wheel to their relationship, a spare part in the project. She didn’t want to feel as though she was perceived as selfish for feeling that way, but she couldn’t help it.

“I’m gonna go and get another drink,” She called to Paige, brushing her hand with her own before slipping away from the crowd and heading over to the bar. Her aching feet carried her through the club, each heavy bassline of the song playing rattled through the place which Eloise felt with every step she took. Maybe another drink would help, she thought.

She found a perfectly timed space at the bar, slotting herself between the underage drinker to her left and the toy-boy to her right as she leaned against the bar, looking out to see where the nearest member of staff was stood along the bar. Her blunt nails tapped rapidly against the skin of her cheek while her head in her hand, her eyes absently reading the neon signs that were scattered around as she waited to give her request. This was the one downside about separating from your group on a night out; having to actually go and wait at the bar to order your own drink. Typically, their group would order in bulks so one person would buy for everyone to save multiple trips every time that someone wanted a drink.

Before she knew it, a bright yet tired smile greeted her from behind the bar, a young man with shaggy auburn hair stood at the till and asked her for her order. It took a moment to register that it was her chance, her throat catching for a second before clearing and allowing her to speak.

“Just a vodka and lemonade please.” She smiled sweetly, trying to somehow ease the tension in her ankles from her heels and she shifted her weight between both feet.

“Single or double?” He asked, pressing a couple of buttons on the black machine before his eyes met her own once again, “Or is that a stupid question?”

“Surprise me.” She winked, letting out a small laugh as she reached into her bag and pulled out her card.

Thankfully, the barman didn’t long to make her concoction, allowing her to get back to her friends as soon as possible, being reunited with the familiar faces she was spending the night with. She made her back to the booth where her friends sat, perching herself on the edge of one of the seats as she sipped her sweet drink. She caught the end of a conversation – more like an argument – between Jackson and Mia, the situation seeming to be get heated between them as Mia looked to be close to tears.

“What the fuck is going here?” Eloise cried out, spotting her friend with glassy eyes leaning forward as she pointed an accusing finger towards the broad man sat on the opposite side of the booth. Her eyes shot between the two young adults, confusion clouding her brain as she tried to figure out what happened, the drunk state she was currently in not helping the situation much.

She made a silent note of Scott’s absence, already knowing that Paige and Roman were dancing, her eyes glancing around for the blond friend who she knew would be with the red head she met previously. No sign of them… Great.

She tried to concentrate as her two friends continued to argue over the table of the booth, hopeless slurs being thrown at each other as they yelled. Eloise really didn’t understand what was going on, nor did she care in all honesty, but she still had to be the good friend who would break up the argument and restore peace to the friendship. She really didn’t want to have to share a taxi back with them if they were still arguing.

“How did this even start?” She groaned, throwing her head back dramatically as she rolled her eyes, looking back up at her friends before she waited for the rushed explanations to begin. As much as she loved Mia dearly, she knew she was one for starting arguments when she drunk, it was what she was known for. There wasn’t a night that involved alcohol where there wasn’t a fight that had to be defused due to her.

Long story short, Jackson made a comment about a girl’s dress and Mia took it upon herself to assume he was being rude, and accusing said girl of having ill intentions of her night out. Which, of course, is ridiculous and Mia would have known had she not been numerous double mixers into her night.

Eloise couldn’t hold back her frustrated sigh as she glared at Mia who could barely sit up right in the booth. She needed to be taken home. For a gang banger who put up with a more brutal situations in her daily life, it was a drunken friend that drove her to her limit. “Take her home, Jack,” She sighed, keeping her eyes firmly planted on the brunette who swayed in place, “She’s had too much to drink and the last thing we need is her being kicked out of here alone.”

Eloise assisted her friends in her own drunken state, the alcohol leaving her with a gentle buzz as she sipped her drinks throughout the night, lifting Mia up from her seat and helping her walk towards the door of the club, patting Jackson’s shoulder as he led their friend outside and into a taxi.

Two down, three to go…

She took a deep breath as she made her way back over to her table, silently begging that nobody had claimed it as their own while she walked her friends out, hoping that even in a drunk state, people would see jackets and bags and realise that people were sitting there. Who was she kidding, that never happened. Which is why she wasn’t surprised when she found someone sitting at her table when she returned, her heels clicking against the floor as she made her way over, ready to make the intruder aware that the table was already taken.

Well, she was about to until he looked up, his face causing her breath to hitch in her throat. She felt her mouth suddenly dry up as her eyes froze on his calm expression as he looked at up her, sensing her presence without her speaking a word. She couldn’t ignore the beauty that his face held, the tanned skin that she could make out beneath the flashing lights of the club, the deep dark eyes that met her own as they stayed in silence.

It was him. The handsome stranger.

“You’ve got some moves by the way,” His voice spoke out, his eyes remaining connected with hers, his tongue running along the inside of his bottom lip. He noted her shallow breath that she attempted to take without being noticed, unable to hide the shaking in her throat as she exhaled. “Something that I’m sure gets a lot of attention.”

“Your point is?” She spoke up, her voice surprisingly strong although her breathing was not.

She couldn’t help the lump that formed in her throat when she saw his smile, a teasing strip show was less erotic than that goddamn smile. She felt the effects of that charming smile knock her for six.

“Just saying there must a lucky guy who gets to see that later in all its glory,” He smirked, his posture straightening as he reached for her glass of vodka lemonade, lifting it to his lips and taking a small sip.

Eloise could only dream of being that glass in that moment. What was happening to her? What happened to the tough exterior she usually put on; the one that typically made boys fall at her knees? This time she was the one who was crumbling at the feet of a man she didn’t even know.

“And what if there isn’t?” She straightened her back, attempting to regain her confidence, erasing the previous rush of butterflies as she resumed back to her placid stance, allowing for her feet to carry her the rest of the way to the table, comfortably leaning against the edge as she stood just metres away from the man who easily claimed her attention. Who would have thought a stranger would have so much control in such little time?

Eloise was sure it happened all of the time, unable to deny how handsome he was, how pretty he was. He must have had numerous women falling at his feet for a chance with him, and Eloise was no different than the rest of them. But she didn’t want him to know that.

“Then that would be shame,” He teased, moving along the booth so he sat right at the edge, his eyes never breaking contact with hers, “A true utter shame.”

She noted how his voice slowed down, his annunciation of each word made clear through his mixed accent. It sounded American but there was a twang in there, she couldn’t pinpoint from where exactly. “And why is it such a shame? It’s not as if it affects you.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, doll,” He stood to his feet, the muscles beneath his leather jacket bulging as he leaned an arm against the table and turned to face her, “It wouldn’t be very gentlemen like of me to allow a young lady like yourself to travel home alone in your state.”

She couldn’t help the smirk itching her face, rethinking the amount of drinks she had consumed over the course of the night, the buzz still filling her with a warmth as her brain gently felt like a slow-motion volleyball being tossed back and forth inside her head. She had to admit to herself that for such a gorgeous man he had poor game. Although she couldn’t deny the nickname elicited an excitement inside her she didn’t know existed, causing something inside of her desperate to hear it once more. With the distance between them closed further, she noticed his beauty only grew as did his height. He was more beautiful than she already thought, or maybe it was just the alcohol taking over again. She noticed how plump and soft his lips looked, how his cheeks were full and supple, while his eyes were dark like hers but seemed to hold a vortex beneath them; a vortex which she wanted to explore.

“I think I’ll manage just fine on my own,” She leaned against the table, her hand resting on her hip as she admired his sculpted face.

“Doll,” He spoke, his voice merely above a whisper yet she could hear it perfectly clear, “Why can’t you just take a hint that I’m interested? And I can tell that you are too.”

“I think you’re overestimating your game,” She teased, although the effect the name had on her wasn’t hidden, “You’re pretty but your game is shit.”

“Oh, but I can assure you, my mouth can do more than just talk a shit game,” He licked the corner of his bottom lip, the edge of his tongue poking out as he watched her eyes flicker.

She hated that she was so turned on by the sound of that. Eloise could always fake emotions pretty well but in this situation, the attempt at hiding how she felt was futile. God, what was she doing? Was she actually considering disappearing with this man and getting up to goodness knows what? Yes, she was.

Before Eloise could begin to comprehend what was happening, she was in the back of a cab, her lips attached to his as his large hands roamed along her thighs, hips, and torso as she straddled him. The apology for the taxi driver being the last thing on her mind, her subconscious aware that they were probably used to these sights in the unsociable hours after a Saturday night.

She couldn’t help but make a mental note of how soft his lips were against her own, how large his hands were as they slid down her body and cupped her behind, the grip against her skin through her denim skirt sent heat to multiple areas of her body, his touch erupting a fire within her.

She panted for breath as he detached his lips from hers, his plump ones creating a path as they trailed along her jaw and down her neck, his teeth coming into the mix as he gently nipped at her soft skin, working his way to leave a mark; a brand that marked her as his for the short amount of time that they would spend together.

“I didn’t…” She panted; her voice weak as her eyes closed at the sensation his mouth evoked within her. She tilted her head to the right, allowing him greater access to paint her skin with various shades of blue and purple as her hands found his hair, “I didn’t even catch your name.”

She felt the vibration of his hum travel through her, the noise was deep yet symphonic much like the tone of his voice as he spoke, “The name’s Calum, sweetheart, but you can call me whatever you want.”

His voice sounded exasperated, as if it was lost and he was searching for the air to breath, his lips reattaching to her neck as they travelled back up her body, reattaching with her own pink ones as he placed a long, sucking kiss to them that he never wanted to end. “And what should I call you?”

“Eloise,” She whispered, her lips lightly brushing his as she spoke, her voice so quiet it could barely be heard, “But you can call me El.”

And by god he did. Repeatedly.

---

Tag List: @steviemae​

[slipping-through-my-fingertips]

Now Put Your Hands Up

New fic!! AO3 link here

Summary: Tina and Brittany teach Burt Hummel “Single Ladies”

Missing scene in “Goodbye”

Burt Hummel liked to think he knew his son fairly well. These last couple years he felt like they were finally moving towards each other again. He’d lost Kurt after Elizabeth passed. They were both grieving. Sometimes Burt forgot that he didn’t just lose his spouse, Kurt had lost his mother. It was easy to chalk Kurt’s behavior up to grief. 

The hiding in his bedroom. Exiling himself. Cooking dinner for the two of them. For the most part, doing the cleaning. 

Burt missed his wife but he knew she was never coming home. Every day, he waited for a Kurt that he remembered to walk through the front door. He never came. It was always this new Kurt that Burt didn’t know how to connect with even though he tried to talk to him at dinner and when they’d watch tv together. 

Then, two years ago Kurt wandered into the garage as light on his feet as ever. Burt never understood Kurt’s careful footsteps because no one could hear anything over the noises of their machines. Hell, they screamed at one another to talk shop. He remembered that conversation perfectly. When Kurt had joined glee club, Burt was disappointed it wasn’t a sports team but Kurt never was the kid to follow the norm. It had been so long since he had seen his son smile like he had when he talked about singing and dancing. 

Burt chuckled when he remembered thinking Beyoncé was one of the girls in glee and Kurt had corrected him. 

“No, dad, she’s, like, the biggest pop star in the world.”

As nice as this trip down memory lane was, Burt was no closer to knowing what to get Kurt for graduation. This kid was the hardest person to buy for because the only things Kurt wanted and didn’t already have were too damn expensive. 

Cause as funny as it would be to see the look on Kurt’s face if Burt got Beyoncé to come to his graduation party, it just wasn’t plausible. He could already see Kurt’s jaw-dropping. But that wasn’t possible, this was a small town in Ohio and Burt could not afford her. 

“Hey dad,” Kurt said, coming in through the front door. 

“Hi bud, how was school? Where’s your brother?” 

Kurt was sliding off his shoes. 

“School was good. Tina made it through a love song without crying.” 

“And Finn?”

“He left with Puck.” Kurt shrugged. 

“That means we’ll have another mouth to fed at dinner,” Burt said. 

“Maybe two?” Kurt questioned, already pouting hopefully. “Blaine wants to study together.”

“Yeah okay, Blaine can come over.”

“Thanks, Dad! I’m going to call him now.”

With that, Kurt went up the stairs. Burt rubbed his eyes and tried to focus again but all he could think about was Tina crying in glee club. She must’ve been so happy to sing a solo and not let a tear fall. Burt tried to remember the last time he saw her.

Feels like years but it was probably only a week or two ago. He definitely remembers the first time he met Tina. They were still at their old house. Kurt’s bedroom was in the basement because he wanted more space or something. Brittany and Tina were in those dance outfits, leotards maybe? There had been music playing. That “Single Ladies” song by Beyoncé. 

Kurt had looked like he wanted the ground to swallow him. Tina and Brittany were confident and curious when Burt interrupted them. 

It was at that moment, they started to understand each other again. All because of some Beyoncé song. Wait, Beyoncé! 

Burt knew exactly what to get Kurt now. He just had to get some phone numbers. 

***

Dinner was a short affair. Puck and Finn wanted to play video games then Blaine and Kurt wanted to study some more. Burt reminded both pairs to keep their bedroom doors cracked open. Carole laughed at his antics from the kitchen. 

“Let me help you clean up,” he told her. 

“You know they’re going to make out anyway, right?” she asked. 

“Who’s they? Finn and Puck or Kurt and Blaine.”

Carole laughed again. “I was thinking Kurt and Blaine but you’ve got a point. Finn and Puck do act like a couple sometimes. I swore they were holding hands when they came in earlier.” 

Burt smiled at her as she closed up the dishwasher and started it. 

“Movie?” Carole asked.

They went into the living room. Burt sat down and put his arm around the back of the couch and Carole snuggled into his side. 

“What would I have to do to get Finn to keep a secret?”

“That depends,” Carole said. “For how long and from who?”

“A week or so. It’s for Kurt.”

“I think letting him pick the next two Friday night dinners might do it. And maybe a weekend off from the shop.”

“Hard bargain.”

Carole looked up at him. “It’s worth it.”

As it turns out, Carole was right. Finn was more than willing to hide the fact that Burt needed Tina and Brittany’s phone numbers. He decided it was best to not ask Burt why and just be satisfied with choosing this week’s dinner. 

Burt came across another bump in his plan. What were these two teenagers going to think about an almost 50-year-old man texting them? This was weird and kind of creepy. He shouldn’t do it but on the other hand, it was for Kurt and Finn already gave him their numbers. 

Of course, Carole was at work so he couldn’t ask her advice. 

Burt: Hi girls, it’s Burt Hummel. Kurt’s dad. I was hoping you two could help me out with Kurt’s graduation gift. I’d appreciate it if you could keep this from him because I want it to be a surprise. 

Tina, surprisingly as it was during the school day, got back to him instantly. 

Tina: Mr. Hummel, Tina here. I’d love to help. What’s the present?

Burt: I need help learning a dance routine.

Brittany: Kurt’s fabulous. I love everything he does and I love dancing. Want us to come after school to help?

Burt: I’m so thankful for both of you being willing to help out. Kurt’s out with Rachel this afternoon so it’d be great if you could meet me at the garage. I don’t want to risk him coming back early.

Wouldn’t it be a twist for Kurt to come down the basement, slightly horrified, by his father dancing to “Single Ladies” with two of his glee club friends? 

Burt was going to make sure it was a surprise but on his terms, not Kurt’s. 

As they said they would, the girls met him at the garage. He had cleared a spot out back for them to practice. Rehearse, the Kurt in his head corrected. 

“So, what's the big number?” Tina asked. 

“6.02214076 × 1023,” Brittany recited. 

“What?” Burt asked. 

Brittany repeated herself then said, “it’s avocado’s number.”

“Don’t you mean Avogadro’s number?” Tina corrected. 

“I’m pretty sure it’s avocado.”

“Anyway,” Burt said, changing the subject, “to answer your question, Tina, it’s ‘Single Ladies’.”

“Ooo, yay! I love that one,” Brittany said, clapping. 

“Let’s start with your feet placement,” Tina told Burt. 

She tapped his legs and positioned him correctly. Brittany stood in front of Burt to show him the specific step and Tina stood next to him to help configure his body the right way. 

In just over an hour, Burt knew the order of the steps. Now, he had to learn to be in sync with his dancemates. He tried to tell them he only needed lessons, not backup dancers but the girls insisted. The dance was simply not the same without backup. 

When he got home from the shop that night, with a promise to Brittany and Tina for one final rehearsal before their performance, he caught himself humming the tune of “Single Ladies”. He assumed he was going to have to learn the words too. Brittany said it helped sometimes to use the lyrics as a guide to remember dance steps. Tina disagreed, she liked to memorize lyrics so well that it was second nature to sing while dancing. If she focused too much on the words, she’d lose her place in the dance. 

His singing and humming only escalated after their second rehearsal, which Burt had totally nailed the performance on his second try. Burt made an effort to stop himself when Kurt was around not wanting to risk him asking questions. There was no doubt in Burt’s mind that Kurt would start to investigate why his father was suddenly a Beyoncé fan. He might even convince Burt to buy tickets for her next tour. As much as Burt was enjoying “Single Ladies” he had no desire to be dragged to a concert. 

On the day Burt was sitting on the edge of the stage waiting for Kurt, he wasn’t nervous. This performance was going to be great. The only concern he had was whether Kurt would like it or not. 

[cxhnow]

Chloe x Halle Talk Police Brutality and Postponing Their Album

“The way our music has evolved is exactly how we're evolving as young women.”

Four days before the release of their sophomore album, Ungodly Hour, Chloe x Halle addressed their fans to let them know they’re postponing it. In a video posted across their social channels, sisters Chloe, 21, and Halle Bailey, 20, sat shoulder to shoulder at their home in Los Angeles, surrounded by hovering green trees, and tried to sum up their range of emotions after witnessing a global uprising against police brutality.“In honor of all of the lives lost in police brutality, we felt like it was right to postpone, and fully shine our attention and our work on them,” Chloe said, with both a shake and clarity in her voice, in the video to the duo's 2.7 million followers. Halle added, “Music has been used for a long time to bring us joy and healing in difficult times like this.” Just weeks before, George Perry Floyd, a Black man living in Minneapolis, died in police custody while a white officer’s knee was pressed on his neck. As video of his killing spread, and after the deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and Breonna Taylor, protests sparked around the world demanding accountability and allyship with the Black Lives Matter movement. On the day Chloe, Halle, and I spoke by phone, Tony McDade, a Black trans man in Tallahassee, Florida, was fatally shot by an officer. In Los Angeles, where the sisters live, protesters strung their bodies together to temporarily shut down the 101 freeway. In Atlanta, where they were born, six police officers were charged after being accused of using excessive force on two Black college students who were tased and pulled out of their cars days earlier.During a time when fans are more critical of how celebrities engage in civil rights activism, Grammy-nominated musicians and actors Chloe and Halle Bailey don’t tiptoe. They urge fans to sign petitions, donate, vote, and recognize Black life, early and often. They celebrate Black joy year-round. This is what their followers have grown to expect from them. Chloe and Halle have always had something to say, and it just so happens to be an important time to speak up.

It’s hard to wrap your head around the unbreakable confidence it takes to be a female pop artist if you aren’t one. Thankfully, Chloe and Halle have each other. For decades, the bond among members of Black singing girl groups has given audiences soulful and fun music. In the '90s, groups like SWV, En Vogue, and Zhané made upbeat R&B music that made you want to dance with your homegirls. Now, contemporary duos like KING, Van Jess, and Ibeyi stand out for their rapturous vocals enveloped in dramatic production. Chloe x Halle add to this legacy by singing, writing, and producing ethereal music that resonates with the girl next door.Yet there are distinct differences in the duo’s vocal style; they don’t try to match each other’s voices to create some sort of uniformity. Rather, they play off of rhythm and song pacing to meld their voices. When they do sing choruses and bridges together, their voices, albeit distinct, create layered, otherworldly melodies.The duo’s sound is often described as angelic, giving leeway for some to describe them as two women without sin. Chloe and Halle want to shatter this idea because it’s not realistic. “For Ungodly Hour we were so excited to just flip the narrative of being the perfect angel and show the other side[s] of us.…," says Halle. "The dark side, the naughty side, the things that happen that you don't see behind the scenes.” 

The majority of the 13 songs on the album are about navigating messy situations — sometimes ones that you have caused. In the midst of trying to be a better friend or romantic partner, you know that you’ll always be imperfect, and decide to love yourself anyway.“I've always been a jazz head," Halle says. “I don't know why, but there's something about the pain and the love and the heartbreak that you can truly feel through the essence of those songs that are sung by Billie Holiday, Nina Simone, Ella Fitzgerald.” As of late, Chloe’s “really, really been inspired by '90s music and early 2000s production,” a vibe you can hear and see in “Do It,” the second single off of Ungodly Hour.“We wanted to show our sensual side because we are growing as young women, but we still kept it classy and cute,” Chloe says. “It was just really fun for us to do that. We also wanted to start dancing this era, and just something really simple. And it makes us so happy to see everyone doing that dance on TikTok.”Chloe expands on how the name of the album and title track came about after working with the U.K. duo Disclosure: “We wrote this song [the title track “Ungodly Hour”] with Disclosure, and we had the best time,” she recalls. “I forgot what I was watching, but I heard the phrase ‘ungodly hour’ and wrote it in my notes. [It] kind of stuck out to all of us, and we were like, ‘What can you say with this?’ We all came up with this sentence: ‘Love me at the ungodly hour,’ which means love me when I'm at my worst; love me when I'm not all dolled up and made up. Love me when all my insecurities are out on the table.”’

“We started writing about when you're in a situationship with a guy and the chemistry is there, and you know the love is there and your connection is so deep, but he's not going all in," she continues. "For some reason he doesn't want to commit. He's entertaining other options, and it's just saying, ‘You know what? I love myself enough to walk away and put the brakes on this and to pause this. So when you decide you like yourself, when you decide you need someone, when you don't have to think about it — love me at the ungodly hour.’”Other emotionally complex tracks on the album include “Forgive Me,” a haunting song inspired by Chloe’s own life, after she discovered a guy she was involved with was going back and forth between her and another young woman. “I Wonder What She Thinks of Me” is a song that tells the story of the new love, the one a man gets with after he’s broken up with his ex.The vocalists are eager to make music that grows with them and becomes more layered as they do. “The way our music has evolved is exactly how we're evolving as young women,” Chloe says. The chromelike wings they turn around and show on their album cover, worn with black, latex dresses, are symbolic of their strength and power.When I ask what they hope for in the future, the Bailey sisters seem at ease. Chloe would love to work with BTS: “They're performing — it's top-notch. I'll sit at my computer and watch all of their music videos and all of their performances.”“Awards would be nice," she adds. "Being at the top of these Hot 100 lists would be beautiful and amazing, but as long as I'm growing and I'm a better version of myself tomorrow than I was today, I am content.”

The duo is used to releasing music during times of political duress. Two years ago, when Chloe x Halle were part of our music issue for the release of their debut album The Kids Are Alright, the world was grappling with an immigration travel ban enacted by President Donald Trump, the #MeToo movement, and pressing climate change legislation. That album was an intonation from the sisters to young activists approaching human rights issues head-on: “Do it while you young. Don't let them turn you numb. Don't let them get you strung. Ooh, let me put you on,” they sing on their first album's title song.“I was 15 through 17, and Chloe was 17 through 19 during the making of the album,” Halle says of their debut project. “We were still very young. We were still trying to figure out what we wanted, and I think that showed in the music.”As artists, the singers say their first album was about proving they could play an active, hands-on role in the production of their own music in an industry dominated by men. As two teenage women, it was about showing the world that, although they didn't have all the answers and weren’t sure what was lurking around every corner, they had the guts to find out. At that point in their careers they had been signed to Beyoncé’s Parkwood for five years and had released one other project, the Sugar Symphony EP, in 2016. But aside from opening tour performances and high-profile appearances, they hadn't become household names.

Now, amid a health pandemic and a country in unrest because of its history of white supremacy, Chloe and Halle are navigating being famous and also having a distinct voice. While finding ways to take care of themselves, the sisters are also promoting an album from their home, in the rooms where they first honed their craft as writers, instrumentalists, and producers. “We've kind of gotten back to our roots and started doing what originally got us started," Halle says, "which is doing YouTube covers, interacting on social media, and connecting with our beautiful fans through there.” A lot has changed in their personal lives as well. They're private about the details, but say they’re learning more about guys and finding themselves in relationships and situationships. They’re experiencing more love, heartbreak, and the misguided antics of boys. "We have to take our power back as women and not allow ourselves to be played,” Chloe riffs.In January, the third season of their Freeform show, grown-ish, dropped. In the college-centered comedy, led by Yara Shahidi, Chloe plays Jazz and Halle plays Sky, ambitious twin sisters who attend the fictional state school Cal U. Jazz is balancing being in love with her boyfriend Doug (played by Diggy Simmons) and schoolwork; Sky is focused on being a track star while navigating her interracial relationship. Like the sisters in real life, their characters are witty, impeccably stylish, and proud of their Blackness. But unlike Chloe and Halle, they’re far more overt about their love lives — often kissing in hallways and openly discussing their sex lives — and unfiltered opinions.Before stay-at-home orders went into place, Chloe and Halle had been expanding farther into Hollywood, and pursuing separate film projects.In July 2019, it was announced that Halle is set to play Ariel in the live-action The Little Mermaid. Many saw Halle’s breakout feature-film role as a huge win for inclusion, but, like clockwork, people on social media found an issue with the revamped iteration of Ariel being played by a Black woman. Halle spoke out on the discourse, telling Variety at the time, “I feel like I’m dreaming, and I’m just grateful. I don’t pay attention to the negativity. I just feel like this role is something bigger than me. It’s going to be beautiful.”

Halle remains grateful, but says of the negative criticism, “We've always learned to just keep our heads up no matter the situation. No matter what anybody has to say about you...just keep pushing.”

Like Halle, Chloe is also expanding her acting chops in feature projects. In December, Chloe wrapped filming for her role in the horror film The Georgetown Project, starring Russell Crowe and Ryan Simpkins. “I'm really protective of my energy, I'm very spiritual, and I love God,” she says about the thriller. “So I was constantly praying when I was on set. But surprisingly, the energy on set was so positive. And I learned so much by being around all of these Oscar-winning actors.”

Humility is a running trait between the sisters. They don’t hide their confidence, but are also God-fearing and incredibly gracious. They’re media-trained and polite, but also find a way to be frank. They say this album is a “whole different world” for them as they reveal more of their personalities, while exploring what it means to be grown women.

“We are learning to embrace who we truly are,” Chloe says about their music evolution. “Our insecurities, our sexuality, owning our power. I'm grateful that we are given a space where we can do that comfortably. And I'm grateful for our parents, because they instilled in us that we need to be strong and independent young women.”

[purplesurveys]

994

Basic Information

What's your name? Name’s already posted on my Tumblr but so that nobody has to check that anymore, Robyn.

Where do you live? I live in some city east of Manila, and that’s all you need to know.

When's your birthday? April 21st.

What's your astrological sign? Taurus.

Do you actually believe in that stuff? Never did.

How old are you? 22.

Do you have a high school diploma or the equivalent? Yeah I got a diploma.

Do you have an undergraduate degree? If so, in what? Yup. I’ve graduated but I haven’t received the diploma nor did I get to walk on a stage because of the stupid virus, but I majored in journalism.

What is your favorite...

Quote? I don’t have any. My brain doesn’t really store quotes for me to go back to; I don’t find the majority of them interesting.

Color? My main favorite is pink, but I enjoy looking at pastel shades and muted colors in general too.

Song? Picking an all-time favorite song is impossible, but for now I really like putting Hayley Williams’ Why We Ever on repeat. It used to be just a sad song that I love listening to but unfortunately the lyrics have since become relatable, so now there’s a sting whenever I hear it.

Band/singer? My favorite bands are Paramore and Against Me! while my favorite solo act is Beyoncé.

Book? I never had one. I was a big bookworm as a kid, but I didn’t get to keep it up as a teenager and now as an adult. Most of the books I own today are still just the novels I had nearly a decade ago, and it’s been a struggle trying to find a genre to get into.

Author? Same situation as book.

School subject? History. A lot of the social sciences are also great – anthropology, pol sci, psychology, etc. In another universe I definitely would’ve taken up a degree in a social science instead of journalism.

Science (chemistry, biology, physics, etc.)? Biology has always been a strength of mine and a favorite. I find memorizing terms fun, and I’ve always enjoyed studying living things instead of chemicals or energy or force or any of that boring stuff. 

Math (algebra, geometry, calculus, etc.)? Advanced algebra is fun. So is geometry, but only as long as you know all the formulas and theories; otherwise it’s so easy to fail it.

Language? I don’t have one. I think all languages are individually beautiful.

Operating system? Wow this is random lol. macOS, I guess. It’s what I’m using.

Instrument? I like the sound of many instruments, but in the grand scheme of things the piano has to be my absolute favorite.

Letter? I don’t pick a favorite letter.

Number? 4.

Car? I don’t know the first thing about cars but I suppose my dream car is a Mini Countryman, if that counts as a favorite. I swoon every time I see one in real life; they’re just so pretty to look at.

Pattern (polka spots, stripes, plaid, etc.)? Stripes are my cup of tea, but polka dots are also cute.

Word? The word that’s been my favorite for a while is ‘poignant.’

Animal? I love animals, but I’m biased to dogs and elephants. :)

Country? I don’t have a favorite country. That’s a pretty odd favorite but *shrug* I guess some people have theirs.

Drink (alcoholic or otherwise)? Water, milkshakes, and cocktails.

Food? Sushi, curry, cheeseburgers, and macarons. You can’t make me go with just one choice when it comes to food, my dude.

Restaurant? Yabu and Torch.

Website? I rely a lot on YouTube for my sanity these days so it’d be fair to call that my favorite, at least for the meantime.

Sport? If it counts, pro wrestling. If it doesn’t, I like playing table tennis and watching volleyball and tennis.

Flower? Peonies, roses, and sunflowers.

Ice cream flavor? Cookies and cream is a classic.

Television show? Breaking Bad is my favorite ever, but I also enjoy Friends, The Crown, and Bojack Horseman, and at one point The Walking Dead before it got honestly boring.

Shirt? I don’t really have a favorite shirt, but my favorite type to wear is anything sleeveless. I like giving my skin air to breathe, lol.

Shape? I don’t pick favorite shapes.

Eye color? Olive is beautiful.

Hair color? I’m indifferent to hair colors. Whatever suits a person.

Movie? Two for the Road and Good Will Hunting.

Gum flavor? Fruity ones.

Random Stuff About You

Do you have your drivers' license? Yeah. I had to get it as soon as I graduated high school because no one else was going to be able to bring me to school in college. I was in driving school like a week or two after marching on stage for my high school diploma haha.

Have you ever been swimming in an ocean? I don’t know if I have. In the vacations I’ve had, I don’t really keep track if I’m swimming in a sea or if I’m already in one of the oceans.

What's the last song you listened to? No clue but it was probably something by Hayley.

Do you prefer coloring pencils, crayons, or markers? Coloring pencils! I miss coloring. I just can’t see myself going back to it at the moment because I had bought a really cheap set of coloring pencils that have to be sharpened every five minutes. During my coloring phase I’m pretty sure I spent more time sharpening my pencils than actually filling in my coloring books. I’ve yet to find a replacement set with better quality.

Can you make any origami figures? If so, what? I’m terrible at origami and have always been. Even if I’m given a one-on-one session, I’ll for sure get lost early on in the process.

Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal? I never did. I always preferred pillows.

Do you get cold easily? I do haha, but I don’t mind it. I’d rather shiver or have my teeth chatter than have a pool of sweat on the back of my shirt from being too hot.

Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Nope.

Do you have great eyesight, or do you wear glasses or contacts? It’s very poor. I’ve had glasses since I was 11, but I needed them a lot earlier, like since I was 8 or 9 maybe. My mom refused to believe me when I started telling her my vision was getting worse because she legitimately thought I just wanted glasses to look like other kids. God, how shitty was that parenting? I can’t believe I just fucking let that go as a kid. My eyesight was getting increasingly blurry by the day and I stopped learning at school and her worry was that I wanted to fit in. I’m gonna get more stressed and hurt if I continue to think about this, so let’s just move on...

Do you know how to play chess? Never learned. I’ve watched my cousin play and he tried to teach me so many times, but I just never understood.

Do you know how to play checkers? At one point I think I did, but I didn’t enjoy it.

Do you like Sudoku puzzles? No. I never got the hang of that game either.

Do you like word searches? Love them.

Do you like crossword puzzles? They’re fine but the ones on our newspapers are too hard and use too many references or plays on words that I’m not able to pick up.

Do you like logic puzzles? It’s a hit or miss.

Can you play any card games? Other than solitaire, no.

Do you play board games? Hmm I played some as a kid, but I’ve always been too competitive and I’m never able to just sit down and have a friendly game so I’m not too big on board games now. I’m a lot happier sitting on the sidelines and watching my friends play because it’s more entertaining that way.

Do you do jigsaw puzzles? Not normally but I’ve been thinking of investing in one of those 1000-piece puzzles to take my mind off of things whenever I get depressed or when my mind starts to think about things it shouldn’t.

Do you listen to the same song on repeat for a long time, even occasionally? Yes. Sometimes I do it on purpose when I’m REALLY feeling a certain song at the moment; other times I don’t even realize the repeat button is turned on and I don’t notice I’ve been listening to the same song over and over.

Do you take any prescription medications on a regular basis? Nope.

Would you prefer to be too hot or too cold? I’ve said this a few questions ago, but too cold.

Do you like to swim? Sure. Being in the water calms me down instantly.

Have you ever been to a farm? I’ve probably been. I just can’t pinpoint a certain memory right now.

Do you like instrumental music? Depends on what the genre is, but I do generally prefer instrumental music when I’m working or have to focus.

Do you drink diet soda? Nope.

Do you drink soda? Andddddd nope.

Have you ever put Mentos into soda? I haven’t but I know what it does. There’s already like a million videos of other people doing it so I don’t need to do it for myself. 

Have you ever combined baking soda and vinegar? No.

Did you ever make Oobleck in science class when you were a kid? We never did and I learned about oobleck from watching a Good Mythical Morning episode, not in school. But I’ve always been curious as to what the texture is because it looks so fun to touch hahaha. I’d try making it myself but idk if we ever have cornstarch at home.

Do you know any HTML? Yes. Early days of Tumblr, man. People customized their themes and text posts all the time.

Have you ever read any of Shakespeare's work? Well, yeah. I had to read four of them - one for each year in high school.

Do you write poetry? No.

Do you read? Occasionally. A lot less than I used to.

Can you throw a frisbee? Sure. My friends and I played back in high school.

Do you watch a lot of television? Eh, not really. It’s rare that I discover a TV series I’m willing to invest in; I’ve always preferred movies since they can tell me a story within 2-3 hours. Following an ongoing show is just exhausting.

Do you think that you have a good sense of humor? Humor is subjective. I could mesh well with certain people but others might not find my sense of humor funny. I don’t think either of those can determine if my sense of humor is good or not.

Are you a mean person? Well, I try not to be...I think that’s what most people strive to do.

Do you have any bruises? If so, how did you get them? I have one on my knee because a few days ago I knelt to the floor to try to look for something under my bed, and I ended up landing on the floor quite hard and it was purple in minutes lmao. It’s mostly healed now though and I can barely tell where it is.

Does the thought of public speaking make you nervous? It only does if I ultimately also have to pitch something, because I don’t consider myself persuasive at all. But if I had had something memorized or had enough practice or if it’s a topic I’m fairly knowledgable about then I don’t have much of a problem with it.

Are you afraid of heights? It doesn’t bother me as much as other things and I’ve always wanted to go to the top floor of those towers where the floor is glass lol, but like I’d absolutely piss my pants if I found myself standing on a tightrope between two really tall buildings.

So, what ARE you afraid of? Flying cockroaches, plane crashes, and fire.

Are you listening to music? No.

Has anyone ever called you 'disturbed'? I don’t think so, at least not to my face.

Have you ever been kicked out of a place? If so, where? And why? Yeah. From a McDonald’s, but it was my noisy friends’ fault. I knew they were being loud (they were playing some card game) so I just stayed at the very edge of our table, pretended not to be associated with them and waited for a customer to complain about us lol. Normally I’d speak up and tell friends if they’re being too immature, but in that friend group in particular I was the shyest and didn’t really hold a lot of influence so I didn’t have much of a choice.

Do you take a lot of these surveys? Yeah I have this entire blog dedicated to just them, and even before this account I had another survey blog.

When was the last time you fingerpainted? No idea. Kindergarten maybe? If we even ever did?

When was the last time you sent an e-mail? Yesterday afternoon.

A text message? 1 AM earlier.

Called someone on the phone? I think it was around two weeks ago.

Tripped over something? I’m sure I tripped over Kimi fairly recently, like sometime this week.

Do you like chocolate? Sure but on its own it can be too sweet for me, like the Hershey’s milk chocolate bar. I do love chocolate-flavored stuff or if it’s incorporated into other meals or snacks, like chocolate chip cookies.

How many pillows are on your bed? Right now there aren’t any because I brought the two pillows, that I do normally have on my bed, to my desk where I’m currently sitting at.

Do you have any pets? Yeah one of them is licking their balls behind me. The other one is probably playing with their toys downstairs and miraculously being quiet this morning.

Have you ever been on a horse? Yep.

Have you ever climbed a tree? I don’t think so. Most trees here have fire ants anyway.

Do you like art? Sure do.

Do you use any sort of social networking site? I mean normally yeah, but I’ve deactivated all my accounts for the meantime. Depression is a bitch. I’m no longer updated on the news nor am I familiar with the trendy memes anymore but idk, this seems to be the healthiest thing for me right now.

What time is it? 9:11 AM.

Have you ever been in a car accident? Super minor ones where the car I was in only got a paint scratch or, at worst, a dent or two.

When was the last time you felt embarrassed? Yesterday when I almost sent a message talking about a certain person to that certain person. It was nothing mean, but I was horrified nonetheless.

Did it rain today? No. I’m not sure if it will but I hope it does.

Have you ever had a poison ivy rash? No. When was the last time you felt immensely happy? LOL Do you take a multivitamin or any other supplement? We have vitamin C tablets at home but I’m so bad at taking them. What household chore do you absolutely hate? Washing rags. Not really a chore, but once they get all dirty and I have to clean them up it just feels so icky and ueughdhffgbduifhsuf Tell me something random about yourself. I’ve won a couple of spicy noodle speed eating challenges. Can you cook? No, but I’d love to learn. Do you like to be silly? I’m a little more serious than silly for the most part...but when I’m in the right mood at the right time with the right crowd, I can be silly too. What kinds of things have you wanted to be 'when you grow up'? The first was astronaut. Then I came across this interview with a veterinarian and I wanted to be one too. Lastly, a firefigher. Have you ever been on a boat? Yeah, lots of times. Sometimes it’s the only way to get to certain provinces or cities in the country so we’ve had to take boats for a few trips. Do/did you like school? For the most part, yes. I like that I made a lot of friends in school and I don’t have complaints about learning. What I hated the most about school is the scheduling, I guess. In my first school I had to wake up at 5 AM everyday to catch the school bus; and then in college I had to take several 7 AM classes and those were just the biggest, most inconvenient bitches. I also did not enjoy the concept of Catholic school. Do you have a camera? I used to have a DSLR but I’ve since handed it down to my sister since she’s taking up film. The camera on my phone works just fine. Have you ever been bitten by a tick? I don’t think so.

Have you ever seen a wild snake? I don’t really know what counts as a ‘wild’ snake but I’ve handled and held snakes before. Have you ever gone hiking in the woods? Hmm I’ve gone hiking, but not in the woods. Do you have a lot of friends? There’s a lot of people I can call friends, yes. We aren’t constantly in touch, though. All my friendships are super low-maintenance which I appreciate. Do you keep a diary/journal/blog? I have a journal and this blog where I write my thoughts and emotions down. What color are your eyes? Dark brown. Answering this yet again this week... Do you like snow? I’ve never experienced it so I can’t say. I think I would enjoy snow though. I feel that I’d be able to find comfort in it, like rain. Would you prefer to sing or dance in front of other people? Both sound awful. But I’d go with sing because at least I don’t have to move my body as much. Would you prefer to sing or dance when you're by yourself? Sing.

Can you spell really well? I’d say I can. I was really inspired by the movie Akeelah and the Bee as a kid and that made me want to be constantly good at spelling. Do you mind poor grammar? If it’s coming from a native speaker of whatever language, yeah. Like people who can only speak English but still use ‘would of’ or ‘I could care less.’ I’m more forgiving towards people who speak one language, or those who are speaking in a language they know they aren’t 100% fluent in. What's your favorite texting/IM abbreviation? I don’t have one. ‘lol’ I guess? It’s convenient. Do you wear a watch? No. Do you shop at thrift stores? Sometimes, if I find their offers interesting enough for me to want to go inside. What is your dream job? It’s pretty straightforward but it’d be nice to be able to work my way up and end up as an executive at a PR or media agency that I look up to. What is one thing that really freaks you out? Charlie Kaufman movies. Do you like bananas? They’re okay. I don’t hate bananas as aggressively as I do other fruits. Do you eat meat? Yes. Do you drink coffee? Yuh. I can go for a cup right now, actually...maybe when I finish this survey. Do you clean your computer screen often? Not often. Just every once in a while or once I start seeing too many smudges. Have you ever sneezed onto your computer screen? Probably.

Let's talk about numbers.

How many people live with you?

Four. We also have two animals.

136+95=...?

231. That’s essentially 136 + 100 - 5.

How many digits of pi do you have memorized?

Just the first five.

Can you count using binary numbers?

No. Never understood those, not interested enough to start learning.

How many states have you visited?

Zero.

How many countries?

Six. Would’ve been seven or even eight if Covid never blew up. I know my dad mentioned there were plans for us to go to Vietnam this year, and I also asked for a Thailand trip as a graduation present. Damn bat soup or whatever it was.

How many browser windows/tabs do you have open?

I have three Chrome windows in total. On the one I’m on, there are 13 tabs.

How many times have you blinked in the past minute?

I dunno, I never count that?

How many seconds are in a minute?

60.

Are you afraid of mathematics?

Calculus and trig, yeah. The other ones aren’t so bad.

What's the square root of 121? 11.

Sorry, sorry, the nightmare is over :) How about some more random questions to let you relax?

Have you ever read the webcomic xkcd?

I doubt it. I don’t think I’ve heard of it before.

Can you play an instrument?

Barely.

Can you read sheet music?

Not a chance.

What's your favorite kind of sandwich?

Monte Cristo! Omg, that sounds so good right now :( Banh mi is great too.

Do you have a bedtime?

Not strictly but I always try to get 7-8 hours of sleep on weeknights so that I’m sufficiently energized for work the next day.

Have you ever gone sledding?

No, I haven’t.

Have you ever carved a pumpkin? If so, what kind of face did you make?

Also no.

Do you ever make funny faces at yourself in the mirror?

I guess it’s happened before, but it’s not a regular occurrence.

Have you ever played the classic shaving-cream-in-the-hand prank on someone?

No.

Do you think that's a mean thing to do?

I don’t think that prank in particular is since shaving cream is harmless, but some pranks can definitely go too far which is why I’m generally not a fan of them.

Do you like cake?

Only very certain types. I can think of more cakes that I don’t like than the ones I can never get tired of.

Do you like pie?

Just savory ones, like chicken pot pie. Those are more up my alley than sweet pies, which are for the most part stuffed with a kind of fruit.

Do you like popsicles?

Sure, they’re refreshing.

Do you use the television or computer more?

Laptop.

Do you have a favorite chair to sit in?

Not really lolAre you getting tired of this survey?

It’s lengthy but I knew about it when I started this so I can’t complain about that; and the questions haven’t been annoying too so no, I wouldn’t say I’m tired of it.

Do you like to wear hats? When I have the chance to, yeah. They’re never a must for me though.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?

Most of the time no. Oops.

Do your shoes provide lots of arch support?

I...don’t know. I don’t really pay attention.

Do you like to go to yard sales? I haven’t gone to one since I was a kid.

Have you ever had a yard sale at your house? I don’t think we ever did.

Do you like apples? I like some apple-flavored things like juice or candy. I can’t stand the actual fruit but y’all know that by now, haha.

Do you like peanut butter? Yessssssss. I love peanut butter and any peanut butter-flavored food.

Do you like licorice? Not really. They’re not common here so I don’t seek it out.

Do you like lima beans? It doesn’t sound like something I’d enjoy.

Do you like limes? Not particularly.

What color are your bedroom walls? White.

Guess how many questions you've done. I don't know either, so just guess. Before clicking on it I saw it had 200 or so questions, so I’m guessing we’re at the 180 or 190 mark considering how many questions are left below this.

What's your favorite color to wear? I feel prettiest in dark green or maroon. Do you tell secrets when people confide in you? I’m not sure what this is supposed to be asking, but I’ll give two answers. (1) I don’t spill other people’s secrets when they confide in me, and (2) When people confide in me, sometimes I’ll be inspired to share a secret of my own too, especially if it’s relevant to their situation. If I don’t think it’s going to be helpful, I just keep it to myself. Do you listen to your music with the volume up really high? Only when I’m extremely upset or furious. Do you like to try new foods? Absolutely. How many different programs are you currently using? Like applications? Currently, I have Chrome, Viber, and Notes turned on. How many different operating systems have you used? I’ve gone through Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 8, and then whatever updates have been done on macOS since 2015 - I don’t really keep track of their names lol. What time is it now? 12:03 PM. Are you wearing socks? Nope. Are you comfortable with yourself? These days, no. Do you lose small things (like your car keys) often? Hah, yes. Is your mind in the gutter? No. Have you ever broken a bone? I haven’t. Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? I’m a healthy mix of both, I’d say. Which is still a great improvement for me because I used to be an introvert all the way through. Do you read the dictionary for fun? I literally did this for a time right after watching Akeelah and the Bee and having that movie change my life. It made me want to join a shit ton of spelling bees, but my interest waned when I realized there weren’t any being held here.  Tater tots or fries? Fries, only because I’ve never had the first. Do you like to wear flip flops? No. The thongs irritate my skin all the time and they always give me wounds. Are you more of an optimist or pessimist? I’m normally optimistic but it’s easier to be pessimistic nowadays. Do you like animals? Yes :) Do you like little kids? If they aren’t being a giant, rude pain in the ass. Are you a 'people person'? Yes. If I can’t satisfy everyone it bothers me. Have you ever seen a rainbow? Sure. How was your day? I haven’t cried today but I’m still sad. Otherwise, I don’t have a lot of strong feelings about this day just yet. What do you plan to do tomorrow? I don’t know yet. When was the last time you did laundry? Around two or three months ago. Have you ever played Snake? On the really old Nokia phones? For sure. Have you ever played Scrabble? Yeah. I took it up for one semester as a PE, hahaha. I also played it a lot when I was younger. Are there any television commercials that really get on your nerves? At the moment no, but this has happened many times before. Do you like scary movies? Sure. Are you itchy anywhere on your body? The left side of my forehead started to feel itchy when I read this. What's the title of the last book you read? Midnight Sun. Do you read more fiction or nonfiction books? Nonfictionnnnnnn. Are you a member of any clubs or organizations? I used to be, but now I’m an alumna because I’ve graduated college. What color is your favorite pair of socks? I don’t have a favorite pair. Do you own a lava lamp? No. Do you have anything else to say? Thanks for serving as a distraction and letting me kill some time.