#he ready to die bc he's accepted death but thay doesnt mean he wants death
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
Au where, when someone is ready to die, they donāt feel any pain. The more ready someone is to die, the less pain they feel.
tws: lots of talk about death and dying (not technically suicide ideation but could theoretically be read as such), mentions of Neil's torture in the Nest (very vague and brief) and by Lola (not really vague but not explicit either, if that makes sense)
Neil Josten is ready to die.
Itās not that he necessarily wants to die, but he knows itās coming, and heās made peace with that. Heās ready for it.
Heās not worried about his impending death. Heās known that he was never going to make it to the end of the year ever since he first signed the papers to become a Fox and put himself in the spotlight, so he knows that, no matter what, at least heāll have a painless death.
Sure, his experience in the Nest ends up being more painful than Neil wants it to be, but it isn't all that surprising. He might be ready to die, but heās not ready to die there. Not by Rikoās hand. He refuses. So, thereās pain. But thatās a different circumstance. Someone else is depending on him to live. Neil doesnāt want to think about what could happen to Andrew if Neil doesnāt keep Rikoās attention on him. So, itās different. He needed to live to ensure Andrew would be okay.
In the end, it doesnāt matter anyway
Once Neil starts getting the countdown, though? Well, he knew he wasnāt making it to the end of the school year, but now he knows exactly how much longer he has. When the day rolls around, Neil is more than ready. Heās been waiting for this moment for months, almost an entire year, really. Sure, it sucks that Neil wonāt be able to play the game he loves with his team anymore, and sure, itās a shock to see Romeo and Jackson and Lola waiting for him, but that doesnāt change the fact that Neil is ready for them. Heās glad that heāll get to take away this last bit of satisfaction from Lola. She wonāt see him flinch. She wonāt hear a peep of pain from him when she inevitably tortures him because heās been preparing for this day for what feels like his whole life.
Heās prepared to die.
So imagine Neilās shock when he acutely feels the sting of metal that is Lolaās first cut. Heās so surprised that he fails to hold back an audible noise of pain. Only a not so long buried instinct from when his mother was still alive keeps his next reactions in, but his slip-up doesnāt go unnoticed. Lola is behind him, slicing him up, taunting him. Look whoās not so ready to die after all. Iām almost disappointed by how easy it was to get a reaction from you. I was hoping for a little more of a challenge. Tell me, Junior, what do you have to live for? What is making you want to live? Why arenāt you ready to die?
Neil barely hears her. Heās too busy asking himself all the same questions. Just a few months ago, he took an exy ball to the stomach and barely felt a thing. What changed?
Unbidden, his mind wanders to Andrew. Andrew and keys and the Monsters and the Upperclassmen and Wymack and Abby. The Foxes. His team. His friends. He realizes that, at some point in the past few months, theyāve managed to get past the walls he put up. Theyāve rooted themselves deep in his chest, and theyāre not letting go.
They are the reason heās not ready for death anymore. The thought of leaving them hurts. He knows itās necessary. He knows he needs to let them go, or else he would only end up bringing more monsters to their doorstep, but heās now realizing that heās not ready to let them go. Have to and ready to are two completely different things, he realizes as his voice is violently ripped from his throat through the burn of a cigarette lighter on his face. Heās feeling this pain because heās not ready to let go of his new family yet. Heās not ready to leave them. Heās realizing now that he might never be ready.
A few hours ago, Neil was sure he was ready to die. He walked to his death with open arms, ready to embrace a painless, inevitable release. But now, in the midst of unexpected pain and agony, Neil changes his mind. He thinks he wants to keep feeling this pain. He doesnāt want the painless release of death anymore. He wants to fight back. He wants to keep living. He wants to make it back to his team. He wants to make it back to his friends. He wants to make it back to Andrew. He wants to make it back home.
Neil makes up his mind. Even if it means distancing himself from the person heās lied into existence over the past few months, even if it means becoming the person heās been running away from for almost nine years now, heāll do whatever it takes to make it back to his family.
Nathaniel Wesninski isnāt ready to die.
#this came to me after i got out of the shower yesterday but i was running late for work so i wrote this at work lol#and now im at work again editing/reviewing/ posting it#ig work is prime writing time for me ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ#anyway i wanna make this concept into a full fic#ive already opened a new doc and typed out the forst few sentences#i also really wanna do one from andrew's pov cause i think it could be really really cool#anyway enjoy this random drabble#aftg#all for the game#neil josten#andreil#aftg fic#aftg fanfic#drabble#purpleshadow's fics#also in case it isnt clear: neil isnt suicidal in this. he doesnt want to die but he knows itās gonna happen and has accepted it#he ready to die bc he's accepted death but thay doesnt mean he wants death#by the end he's no longer willing to accept death. instead of accepting death he's choosing to fight to live. ergo he's not ready to die#i hope that all makes sense lol
13 notes
Ā·
View notes