#he ready to die bc he's accepted death but thay doesnt mean he wants death
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purpleshadow-star Ā· 1 year ago
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Au where, when someone is ready to die, they donā€™t feel any pain. The more ready someone is to die, the less pain they feel.
tws: lots of talk about death and dying (not technically suicide ideation but could theoretically be read as such), mentions of Neil's torture in the Nest (very vague and brief) and by Lola (not really vague but not explicit either, if that makes sense)
Neil Josten is ready to die.
Itā€™s not that he necessarily wants to die, but he knows itā€™s coming, and heā€™s made peace with that. Heā€™s ready for it.
Heā€™s not worried about his impending death. Heā€™s known that he was never going to make it to the end of the year ever since he first signed the papers to become a Fox and put himself in the spotlight, so he knows that, no matter what, at least heā€™ll have a painless death.
Sure, his experience in the Nest ends up being more painful than Neil wants it to be, but it isn't all that surprising. He might be ready to die, but heā€™s not ready to die there. Not by Rikoā€™s hand. He refuses. So, thereā€™s pain. But thatā€™s a different circumstance. Someone else is depending on him to live. Neil doesnā€™t want to think about what could happen to Andrew if Neil doesnā€™t keep Rikoā€™s attention on him. So, itā€™s different. He needed to live to ensure Andrew would be okay.
In the end, it doesnā€™t matter anyway
Once Neil starts getting the countdown, though? Well, he knew he wasnā€™t making it to the end of the school year, but now he knows exactly how much longer he has. When the day rolls around, Neil is more than ready. Heā€™s been waiting for this moment for months, almost an entire year, really. Sure, it sucks that Neil wonā€™t be able to play the game he loves with his team anymore, and sure, itā€™s a shock to see Romeo and Jackson and Lola waiting for him, but that doesnā€™t change the fact that Neil is ready for them. Heā€™s glad that heā€™ll get to take away this last bit of satisfaction from Lola. She wonā€™t see him flinch. She wonā€™t hear a peep of pain from him when she inevitably tortures him because heā€™s been preparing for this day for what feels like his whole life.
Heā€™s prepared to die.
So imagine Neilā€™s shock when he acutely feels the sting of metal that is Lolaā€™s first cut. Heā€™s so surprised that he fails to hold back an audible noise of pain. Only a not so long buried instinct from when his mother was still alive keeps his next reactions in, but his slip-up doesnā€™t go unnoticed. Lola is behind him, slicing him up, taunting him. Look whoā€™s not so ready to die after all. Iā€™m almost disappointed by how easy it was to get a reaction from you. I was hoping for a little more of a challenge. Tell me, Junior, what do you have to live for? What is making you want to live? Why arenā€™t you ready to die?
Neil barely hears her. Heā€™s too busy asking himself all the same questions. Just a few months ago, he took an exy ball to the stomach and barely felt a thing. What changed?
Unbidden, his mind wanders to Andrew. Andrew and keys and the Monsters and the Upperclassmen and Wymack and Abby. The Foxes. His team. His friends. He realizes that, at some point in the past few months, theyā€™ve managed to get past the walls he put up. Theyā€™ve rooted themselves deep in his chest, and theyā€™re not letting go.
They are the reason heā€™s not ready for death anymore. The thought of leaving them hurts. He knows itā€™s necessary. He knows he needs to let them go, or else he would only end up bringing more monsters to their doorstep, but heā€™s now realizing that heā€™s not ready to let them go. Have to and ready to are two completely different things, he realizes as his voice is violently ripped from his throat through the burn of a cigarette lighter on his face. Heā€™s feeling this pain because heā€™s not ready to let go of his new family yet. Heā€™s not ready to leave them. Heā€™s realizing now that he might never be ready.
A few hours ago, Neil was sure he was ready to die. He walked to his death with open arms, ready to embrace a painless, inevitable release. But now, in the midst of unexpected pain and agony, Neil changes his mind. He thinks he wants to keep feeling this pain. He doesnā€™t want the painless release of death anymore. He wants to fight back. He wants to keep living. He wants to make it back to his team. He wants to make it back to his friends. He wants to make it back to Andrew. He wants to make it back home.
Neil makes up his mind. Even if it means distancing himself from the person heā€™s lied into existence over the past few months, even if it means becoming the person heā€™s been running away from for almost nine years now, heā€™ll do whatever it takes to make it back to his family.
Nathaniel Wesninski isnā€™t ready to die.
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