#he probably wouldn’t wanna date me unless my name is Penelope

[randomsprinkles]

Boyfriend Requirements:

1. Be the reigning king of Ithaca

2. Be Neither Man nor Mythical

3. Your Darkest Moment 🫵

4. Be the Infamous Odysseus

[spencerspecifics]

New oneshot alert!! @spencers-renaissance asked for this so here we are!! They asked “OK OK I’ve got so many ideas that I’ll never write SO. I really want to read a fic where a fem reader is dating emily and they’ve been together for Years. and then I want to read some cute fluff of her visiting emily when she becomes unit chief? and she’s really fond for the reader and she’s friends with the bau too, especially spencer and penelope! I just wanna feel like I’m emily’s whole world is that too much to ask 😳”

And no it’s not. And I’m sorry but I lowkey made it angsty ugh sorry. I love emily sm so here we go! (Also this is my first wlw writing piece so please don’t be too harsh!)

f!reader x emily prentiss

———————————————————————

Moya Lyubov'

———————————————————————

You hadn’t been able to see her this past month, and it was weighing on you like a stone. It’s not like you never saw emily, more though it was only through sleepy late night FaceTime calls and selfies she’d send to you to remind you that she loved you. And as much as you loved that, and secretly saved all those pictures to your cloud, you needed her.

Real her, not selfies and calls. You had to see her. You had to be able to reach out and hold her hand, and push her hair back out of her face and give her a kiss and know that she was a real person again. Because at times, it felt like she was a ghost.

Of course, you signed up for all of this when you two did start dating so long ago. Emily had practically tried to convince you out of dating her, because she knew the strain of her work would compromise all the romance she’d ever get. But you didn’t care. You were there with texts and late night FaceTime calls, and hell; sometimes she’d even relay case information to you and you’d offer up an angle she may have not considered.

It worked, the life you and her had built together. And you’d continue to make sure it worked until you were two old ladies sitting in rocking chairs and reminiscing about how young you used to be. But for now, you missed her. And you had to go see her.

~

And you did, it wasn’t uncommon for agents spouses to come through to see their partners when they were working overtime- which emily had been doing to an extreme as of late, not to mention she had flown out twice this month to consult on other cases, and the fact she had just been promoted. Her entire life was in the office right now, and you were more than willing to accommodate. If you were there, you knew it would just be better.

And you didn’t come empty handed, you knew well enough now to not show up without treats for the rest of the team. So when you showed up, you had two drink carrier’s worth of coffee with you.

You arrived quickly, as you couldn’t carry two drink carriers for too long- you were bound to drop one. And you made your way into the bullpen, “Well hello there gorgeous, what’re you bringing us coffee for?” Derek asked as he looked up from his case files, a tired smile on his face. He’s probably been here all day too.

You smiled back, him complimenting you didn’t phase you. Derek was naturally flirty and kind towards everyone, it took you a while to understand that at first, but now you were totally comfortable with him- and the rest of the team. J.J. made her way from her desk in the bullpen over to you once she saw you with the coffee carriers.

“Y/n, hey! What’s all this for?” She asked you happily as she gave you a hug, the team was very touchy (except for Spencer, which you didn’t mind either way.) so you accepted all the hugs and shoulder pats they gave you. It meant they accepted you for who you were, and that was the most important thing. After all, they were Emily’s family.

“No reason, really,” you explained as you reached into the drink carriers to find everyone’s orders. “I just wanted to come see em, and I thought coffee would be a nice surprise for everyone.”

“Thank you. And if Prentiss doesn’t marry you, I will. Team can’t afford to lose you now.” Derek gladly spoke as he reached over for the coffee, you handed it over to him with a wordless smile. You almost loved the team as much as emily did. Almost, because obviously you’ve never had to wrestle serial killers with them, and you only really can pack bond with people after you’ve done that.

J.J. grabbed her coffee, giving you one last ‘thanks’ before heading back to her desk. She seemed to be in the middle of something, which was no bother to you.

“Where’s Spencer?” You asked Derek after a moment, realizing it was only really him and J.J. in the bullpen currently.

“I think him and Garcia are in with your girl,” Derek said as he pointed up to where Emily’s new office was. The blinds were drawn shut, this was either really good or really bad. Or nothing.

“Are they in trouble?” You couldn’t help but ask, not sure if the question sounded dumb or not. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think it’s more of a friend talk, than a professional talk.” Morgan explained, sipping on his coffee casually.

You nodded, grabbing the coffee carriers off of his desk, “I’m going up there, giving Rossi his coffee before going to interrupt whatever they’re up to.”

“You go, girl.” Derek said supportingly as he swiveled around in his desk chair, focusing back on his computer monitor.

~

True to your word, you stopped into Rossi’s office and dropped a coffee off at his desk, he was on the phone in a heated debate, arguing about god know’s what;

“Martino, I’m not paying you to tell me your opinion- if I wanted that I’d walk into a bar!” Rossi raised his voice into the receiver, he briefly looked over at you and pulled the phone away from his mouth so he could talk to you, “Grazie, amore. My publisher’s an idiot.” He sighed, as if you could understand what it felt like to be a published author.

All you did was nod in response, “I hope he gets his head out of his ass.” You joked, Rossi chuckled in response, “Yeah, me too,” before turning the phone back to his mouth so he could yell some more, “You think I won’t take my business elsewhere? You want to doubt my integrity?! You’re on thin ice!” He reached for the coffee you brought him with ease, looking up at you with a wordless ‘thanks’ in his eyes.

“See you later.” You spoke softly to Rossi, moving towards the door, he nodded in confirmation. At you or the publisher, you weren’t sure. But with that, you left, shutting the door quietly behind you before walking to Emily’s new office.

~

You didn’t knock, instead just walking in. It wasn’t like you had a sense of superiority surrounding the fact your girlfriend was now the unit chief of the fucking BAU, but it was also just a bit of that. You couldn’t help it, she reached new heights she never would’ve imagined, you wanted to relish in it with her.

So you entered with ease, Spencer was sat in one of the guest chairs, Penelope was standing next to him, and Emily was on the opposite side of the desk. Her new name plaque simply read; “SSA Emily Prentiss- BAU Unit Chief”.

Everyone stopped when you entered, Spencer looked over at you from over the top of the chair, meanwhile Garcia turned a full one eighty, and Emily just raised her eyes to meet yours, immediately a small smile spreading on her face.

“Hi! Y/n, what’re you doing here?” Penelope asked giddily, always excited to see you and hug you and let you know that you were loved. She was the fucking best.

You raised the drink carriers as a weak excuse, “Thought you guys could use some coffee.” Garcia smiled happily, taking the carriers out of your hands gingerly, setting them down on Emily’s desk, immediately looking for her caramel grande extra shot vanilla almond milk whatever the hell she ordered.

“Did you bring one for me?” Spencer asked, “As if I wouldn’t. I know you don’t get enough sleep, Doctor.” You joked, he smiled sheepishly, and you pointed to a cup in the carrier, “That ones yours, it’s got an extra espresso shot.”

“You’re a life saver.” Spencer thanked you as he reached for it happily, you made your way past them and to Emily, who was still smiling softly at you, like you were the only person in the room. Her gaze was always so powerful, stopping you in your tracks, making you feel like it was only just her and you, and the rest of the world was static.

You smiled back at her, you couldn’t help it. “Hey, Unit Chief Prentiss.” You spoke, using her official title, a blush rushed up to her face, she looked bashfully down at the floor, she was beautiful.

“Okay, me and Reid are gonna dip because you two beautiful ladies need some alone time but we will talk later Emily! Y/n, thank you, I love you!” Garcia spoke happily as she set the last coffee, Emily’s coffee, onto her desk, before finally giving Reid the “let’s go” look; who nodded and got up out of the chair himself.

“Thanks y/n, I appreciate the coffee. Emily, please let us go.” He directed his final words at her, emily just chuckled in response, “Reid, unless serial killers stop for two weeks, I don’t think you and Garcia can go to that convention.”

���What about all my vacation days?” “They don’t cover half a months worth of absences.” “Can I take some of Rossi’s?” Spencer asked, getting off track- forgetting he was supposed to leave.

“Reid, c’mon!” Garcia called for him from the hallway, Spencer obliged, leaving with one final nod back at you, before turning and shutting the door behind him quietly.

~

“I missed you.” Prentiss spoke after Spencer left. Emily was always so reserved in front of the team, but alone, she would shower you with attention and love. It was an interesting personality shift to see.

“I missed you too,” you responded easily, leaning down to catch her lips in a chaste kiss.

“God, I missed you.” She repeated herself after she had pulled away. “I really, really fucking missed you.” You smiled, a smile that hurt your face if you kept it up for too long- which you knew you would. You couldn’t help it. Emily was an infectious disease, the kind that took over your body first, making you crave her, and then taking over your eyes, making you dream of her; and finally, over taking your mind and heart; only making you think of her and long for her. It was her, it would only ever be her that made you feel this way. And you didn’t care, all you cared about was her. And you had her, finally, thank god.

You couldn’t stop yourself, leaning in to kiss her again happily. You had missed her, you had missed this. You had missed being with her, talking to her, seeing her smile in real life- and not over video. This was like breathing fresh air after breathing in smoke fumes for hours, it was exactly what you needed. And it was exactly what she needed.

The kiss ended, you pulled away and moved back, towards the guest chair so you could sit and converse with her. She didn’t take her eyes off of you while you moved, and once you were seated she spoke again.

“This is perfect.” You raised your eyebrows, a signal as if to say ‘continue’, because you weren’t sure what she was referring to. “Having you, in my brand new office- where I’m unit chief. This feels like a dream.” You gave her a soft smile, “It’s what you deserve, you’ve worked so hard to get here, em.” You told her comfortingly. She deserved everything she’s gotten so far, this promotion especially.

Emily couldn’t stop herself from smiling and blushing, it was the one thing you could always end up doing to her, make her melt. It was your superpower.

“I don’t think I deserve you sometimes,” She admitted after a beat of silence, you stayed quiet as you watched the gears turn behind her eyes. What was she trying to say?

“You’re too good to me.” Emily settled on saying after a moment of thinking, “Seriously, this entire month I’ve been swamped with shit and you’ve just been fucking amazing to me and...” she trailed off, sighing.

“You can’t control the fact so much happened.” You offered up. Because it’s true, everything just started randomly, and now she was here. “I can’t,” Emily acknowledged, nodding. “But I can control how much I talk to you. And it’s not as nearly as much as I’d like it to be, baby, I’m sorry.”

She continued; “I’ve not been doing enough for you. I love you. I don’t care about work half as much as I care about you. I don’t want this month to last any longer, I just want to be with you; watching stupid rom coms and eating takeout with you and cuddling with you and Sergio at night, like how we do when I’m not on a case.” She rambled on towards the end, but her statement was clear.

“You don’t have to say work isn’t as important, I know especially with the promotion-“ you started, ready to excuse Emily’s apology. Because she didn’t necessarily have to apologize, but her being busy had affected you both.

She cut you off, however, “You are the only person who has made me believe I can have a life outside of my work. You’re the only person I want to spend time with, babe. Everyone on the team is mandatory, and I love them, but not like I love you. You’re my everything, you’re...” she trailed off, needing a second to find the words.

“You’re my world. At this point, I don’t want to be here without you next to me.”

You couldn’t respond, you weren’t sure how. Emily’s love had always been intense and passionate. But now? It was mixing with an apology she didn’t need to give, and one you didn’t deserve to receive.

“If my work keeps me this late ever again, I’m stepping down.” Emily ended her monologue of sorts with that, an intense ending.

“Emily,” you spoke softly, “I don’t want you to give this up, this is good..” you said, looking around the office as if to further prove your girlfriend had achieved so much, and shouldn’t throw it away.

“If it gets between us, it isn’t any good.” Emily spoke easily, this wasn’t a decision in her mind. She had already come to this conclusion, when, you weren’t sure. Maybe it was just moments ago, or maybe it was on your seventh FaceTime call where you admitted you hated not seeing her in real time. You’d never know when, but all you knew now was that she was firm in her decision. And she never doubles back on a choice.

“Babe..” you whispered now, quieter than normal. You didn’t want to get in the way, and it felt like you were- but she was telling you that you weren’t.

“You’re my favorite part of the day. You’re my love.” Emily admitted easily, originally it had been hard for her to open up in your relationship. But once you had shown you’d stick around through everything, she opened up like a book. And now she had no shame within telling you how much she loved you. Sometimes she’d even say it in her sleep when you both would lay down after a long day of work, anxieties, losses. She’d still always keep you in the fore-front of her mind, you never knew how.

“...I love you..” was all you could muster up saying, you weren’t sure what else needed to be said. Or what you could say. It felt like everything was being whispered right now, as if either of you spoke too loud, something would break.

Emily’s soft smile never wavered as she got up from her chair, pushing it in, and rounding the desk to stand in front of you.

“Let’s get out of here, moya lyubov'.” She spoke softly, the universe still seemed so quiet within her office. You felt the heat rise to your face as you heard her say “moya lyubov'”, it was Russian for “my love”, and it was one of the few phrases Emily knew.

She always called you pet names, loving names, even in her sleep she’d say it. But moya lyubov' was a special phrase. It was for those nights when so much was wanting to be said, but you couldn’t come up with the words, and by the end you both would be gasping for air, holding each other close instead.

So, neither of you would have to speak for infinity. Because as much as it mattered, moya lyubov' covered it all. It meant, “I’m sorry”, and it meant “you’re beautiful”, and it meant “I’m the luckiest person alive”, and most of all, it meant; “I am yours, and you are mine”.

So, as Emily Prentiss called you moya lyubov', you knew what she meant exactly. And she needn’t say more.

———————————————————————

[monotype-on-phantom]

Alright! I’ve been really excited to talk about Lucky in Love because I have so much to say about it. In particular, I was waiting for this one to talk about obsessions, because I think Kitty and Johnny are good examples for this.

I think the fandom mostly agrees on what obsessions are. They’re something every ghost has, and it’s what’s keeping them bound to the human world, in a sense. Once a ghost is able to overcome their obsession, they’ll be able to pass on. Ghosts in pretty much any culture are supposed to be remnants of those who died but weren’t ready to. Unfinished business, strong emotions, just not even realizing you’ve died. Things like that.

So, since this is such a widely accepted concept, I’ll skip over talking about what they are (unless anyone has some specific questions) and get right into talking about my personal headcanon obsessions for a number of the ghosts. I can’t cover them all since we don’t know much about some of them, but I’ll do my best to cover the important ones.

I’ll just go in episode order. Some of these are obvious, and I apologize for that, but I’ll try to add some explanations to keep things interesting. Reminder that these are all just my headcanons.

The Lunch Lady - Her Lunch Menu

That’s pretty obvious. She comes out of the ghost zone in the first episode specifically because the menu was changed, and she even straight up called lunch “sacred.”

We know that Casper High celebrates its centennial in the show, and the Lunch Lady says that the menu has been the same for 50 years. So, she probably wasn’t working at Casper High when the school was founded, but she at least worked on the menu that lasted the longest. She likely put a lot of work and passion into that, wanting to provide the kids with the best nutrition possible. She’s one of the weaker ghosts, so her obsession likely came from just not wanting to quit her job yet. As a ghost, though, a lot of the initial reasoning behind her menu was lost and it became just about keeping the menu exactly the same. Something like that.

Skulker - Strength

I personally see most Level 5s having an obsession that’s related to how they’re perceived. After all, their self-image is largely what makes them weaker than Level 6s. While Skulker’s obsession seems to be hunting, that’s only a part of it. It’s very important that he’s viewed as intimidating. He shouts that he’s the “ghost zone’s greatest hunter” at every opportunity, and he has to build a battle suit to make up for his tiny form. If his focus was solely on collecting rare things, he wouldn’t need to banter with his prey like he does, nor would it get under his skin as much when he’s called a lousy one. Someone who just likes hunting doesn’t necessarily need others to think he’s good. In fact, hunters need to stay hidden more, but Skulker way too often announces himself to his prey.

Skulker wants to be viewed as a strong and intimidating hunter less than he wants to actually be one. Unfortunately, his physical form is among the tiniest of ghosts, so he needs to find other ways to compensate.

The Box Ghost - Being a Ghost

This one seems a touch less obvious to me, but for all that the Box Ghost loves boxes, he’s the only one we see actually attempting to change his name (the Mechanical Frog Ghost), and he seems far more concerned with being feared than with hoarding boxes. He’s constantly shouting “beware” and speaking in an overly dramatic tone.

The Box Ghost wants to be a spooky ghost. He wants to be feared. Unfortunately, he has a personality that makes him not at all threatening, so he just ends up tossed in the ghost zone over and over again.

Nicolai Technus - Technology

I wasn’t sure how else to word it, but yeah. I think it’s not too far-fetched to think that Technus was a scientist (or mad scientist) from some time long passed, which is why he’s so out of date despite being the master of technology. He might’ve died in an accident or something and been unable to finish his work, so he came back as a ghost to continue working with technology. He doesn’t have some sort of ultimate goal outside of that initially, though, which is why he wasn’t concerned with world domination until Danny suggested it.

Sidney Poindexter - Bullies

This one’s pretty thoroughly addressed in canon, but I didn’t wanna skip over him. Sidney was bullied viciously in school, so he’s come back to fight against bullies. Pretty straightforward.

Desiree - Being Granted Her Wishes

Desiree was robbed of her heart’s desire while alive, so even though she lived to an old age, she came back as a ghost who grants wishes. Unfortunately, since she’s been unable to find peace and happiness by granting the wishes of others. The reason is that her true obsession is not having her own wishes taken from her. She was denied her desires in life, so in death, she wants someone to wish for happiness for her. Her powers exist as a fair exchange. She’s capable of granting wishes so that people will feel indebted to her and wish for her to be happy as well. That hasn’t worked out so far, though, so she’s become jaded.

Walker - Keeping Order and Enforcing Rules

Given how he talks, Walker was either a sheriff or someone obsessed with Western movies. I’m inclined to think the former, though, because rather than living out an entire Western fantasy, Walker’s obsession is just keeping order.

He was likely very good at his job, and even when he died, he wanted to fight crime and keep peace and order. So, he continues doing it in the ghost zone. Unfortunately, there aren’t really all that many rules to enforce, so Walker has to make them up himself. Despite his unfairness, Walker likely doesn’t view himself as a villain at all. He’s the one keeping order in the ghost zone. He’s enforcing the rules. And if there aren’t enough rules to enforce and keep things peaceful, he’ll just make up more rules.

Penelope Spectra - Being Beautiful

I’ve mentioned that I don’t like speculating about what Spectra was like when she was alive much, but I think it’s safe to conclude that she was someone who dragged people down to make herself feel better. Since she’s so shallow, her beauty is only so deep, and to maintain it, she has to feed off others.

“Cujo” The Axion Labs Guard Dog - His Squeaky Toy

More generally, Cujo just wants to be a puppy again. He has a temper and his guard dog training, but when he’s happiest, he takes on his puppy form. The greatest focus of that obsession is his squeaky toy, though, since that’s the thing that he was specifically looking for. Things like having an owner or trainer can fit into that as well, though, hence his fondness for Danny.

Ember McLain - Becoming a Remembered and Beloved Rockstar

Since Ember was unpopular, and that unpopularity lead to a cruel prank resulting in her death, she came back as the rockstar she always wanted to be, capable of forcing people to love her and cheer her name. While this gives her strength, it’s also superficial since she has to keep people under her spell in order for them to love her. Accepting herself and not relying on her spells is crucial to her finding peace, but she doesn’t have enough confidence to give that up.

Johnny 13 - Kitty

It’s pretty easy to conclude that Johnny had pretty bad luck in life, and that’s probably what lead to his death (and Kitty’s.) Perhaps he got distracted or maybe it was just bad timing, but his luck lead to them both dying in a motorcycle accident.

He still has a playboy personality, because he’s a reflection of who he was when he was alive, but it’s important for him to always keep Kitty safe and by his side no matter what. In a sense, he blames himself for getting her killed, so he’s going to keep her with him and try to prevent her from being hurt.

Kitty - The Human World

If asked, Kitty would tell anyone that her obsession is obviously Johnny. But while she does love him with all of her heart, that’s merely a part of her personality. If Johnny was really her obsession, the two of them could cross over at any time together.

Kitty always demands to be taken back to the human world because that’s her obsession. She loved life. She loved shopping and seeing the sights. She loved going on dates with Johnny. When she died, she was not ready to give all of that up, so she came back as a ghost, and she just wants to go back to the human world and act like she’s still alive.

Wulf - Freedom

I won’t go into too much detail because I don’t want this to turn into my Wulf analysis, but basically, Wulf isn’t something common. He’s some sort of mix between a wolf and a human. He was likely kept locked up in some way when he was alive, and then when he came back as a ghost, he was trapped by Walker because he was seen as something bizarre and unorderly. Because of that, he hasn’t been able to indulge his obsession at all, but it’s his desire to run free. His extreme loyalty to Danny and his friends is because they were the first and only ones to ever try and help him be free.

Youngblood - Playing/Imagination

Youngblood was a child who may have had to play alone a lot. Perhaps he was sickly and had to be in the hospital, so his imagination was the only way he could entertain himself. As a ghost, he’s actually not especially malicious. He’s just a kid looking to have fun, and as a ghost, that can be bad. His focus relies on whatever game he sees himself playing at the time, and should his game not require others, he’s content playing quietly by himself. If he’s being a pirate, though, well he obviously has to steal things and capture people! The smelly grown ups will do.

Pariah Dark - Eternal Rule

As mentioned in my post about levels, Level 9 ghosts have obsessions that can’t be satisfied. Pariah Dark’s obsession is power and control, though in a far more absolute way than any ghosts below him. He wants to sit on the throne of the ghost zone and the human world for all eternity. The only way for him to indulge his obsession is to control everything he sees, and he’ll never have enough.

The Ghost Writer - Writing

Well, I guess that’s kind of obvious. The Ghost Writer just wants to continue telling stories, and as such, he’s been given the power to tell some of the most amazing and influential (by “influential” I of course mean “capable of completely bending reality.”) Since he just wants to tell stories, he’s not especially malicious, but if you tick him off, he’ll spin a story to teach you a lesson

Princess Dorathea - Her Resentment Toward Her Brother

Dora was treated as less of a person by her older brother for her entire life, and she quietly resented him for it. However, she believed she had no choice and was forced to stew in silence until her death. After that, she came back as a ghost because she wanted to be able to stand up to him. However, thanks to her brother’s obsession, she’s been slightly made to believe that she’s one of the spirits under his control and that she doesn’t have her own obsession.

Prince Aragon - Continuing His Rule

This isn’t quite as bad as Pariah Dark’s obsession, because Prince Aragon doesn’t want to go around and take over other places. He merely wants the kingdom he has to last, which is why he keeps his lair frozen in time and his subjects trapped with him. Dorathea is capable of standing up to and resisting him because that’s her obsession, but she needs an extra push to realize it.

Hotep RA - Taking the Throne from the Pharaoh

It’s one of the more obvious ones, but yes. Likely, he was a “loyal” servant of Duulaman who secretly resented his master and wanted to take the throne from him. Because he was never able to do this in life, he returns as a ghost once the reincarnation of Duulaman appears so that he can manipulate him and eventually fulfill his goal of stealing the throne.

Amorpho - Attention

I’m accepting Amorpho because he’s probably the best original villain from season 3 and I think he fits perfectly fine in the story.

Anyway, this one’s another fairly obvious one, but for whatever reason, he felt like he had “no face” in life. People didn’t care about or recognize him in any way, so he came back as a faceless ghost with the ability to turn into anyone else he wanted. Because of that, he can step into another person’s shoes and steal their attention. Really, though, what he desires most is being acknowledged as his own person.

Vlad and Danny - Being Themselves

Ghosts require ectoplasm and some form of consciousness to exist. Because Danny and Vlad are still human, the ghosts formed around their being simply rely on their existing consciousness to exist. Because of that, they can grow and change, as can their “obsessions,” in a sense, while other ghosts are pretty much stagnant. So, in all technicality, their obsessions are just their personalities. Continuing to be who they are. When they die, their lives will be over, so that obsession will technically be satisfied (since they completed being themselves.) Should they come back as ghosts after death, they’ll be different than their ghost forms in life because they’ll have to develop a different obsession, resulting in them having personalities centered around one specific thing rather than being ever changing humans.

[statusquoergo]

Here's the thing, I've got a silly prompt, but I kinda feel like you prefer more serious ones? But I'm still going to deliver it so that you can do something about it (or not) with your talent. So I pictured Mike and Harvey working together in season 7, and Mike is stuck with Ed Sheeran song "Shape Of You" for ages. And Harvey can take it anymore. It becomes a thing for Mike, to drive Harvey nuts with the song. Until somehow they got in very embarrasing situation because of that. Feels happen.

Read on AO3

How do you spell “extortion,” anyway? E-x-t-o-r-t?E-x-t-o-r-s? It’s basic knowledge, grade-school stuff, and Harvey definitelyknew when he started reading this fucking document, but seven eight nine hoursstaring at the same sentences over and over and over have that sort of warpingeffect, especially at—Harvey glances at the clock—one AM, holy shit, when didthat happen?

Once more. He’ll read it through once more, top tobottom, and head out for the night.

Mike taps his pen rhythmically against his thigh; one two, three one two, three one two, three,and that’s gotta be a song stuck in his head but Harvey doesn’t know which one.

“This guy’s jerking us around,” Mike mutters, and Harveygrits his teeth.

“No kidding,” he says, narrowing his eyes, “but we’dbetter figure out how before we ask him or we’ll never get the truth.”

Yeah. Yeah, that.

Mike will get it, it’s fine.

He’s about halfway through the file when Mike startstapping the pen again, and he doesn’t seem to notice when he starts humming,too; Harvey recognizes the song now, even if he can’t place the name.

This is going nowhere fast.

“Go home,” he says, closing the file and shoving it intoa file underneath his desk. “Hopefully one of us has an epiphany on the way intomorrow morning.”

Mike looks up at him blearily, arching his back andstretching his arms out in front of him.

“You got it, boss,” he teases, gathering his papers and justbarely keeping from knocking into Harvey’s coffee table as he stumbles towardthe door. He starts humming again as soon as he clears the obstacle course, andHarvey presses his eyes into his palms.

“And stop your goddamn humming.”

Mike tosses a two-fingered salute on his way out.

—

Sauntering in the front door at nine forty-five, Harveytakes a second to appreciate such freedoms afforded to name partners before heheads for Mike’s office. Poor kid’s probably been in for an hour already, hourand a half if he had trouble sleeping last night.

Knocking on the door, Harvey doesn’t wait for an answerbefore he opens it—but he really should have, because Mike isn’t just hummingto himself anymore; he’s graduated to quiet singing, and Harvey can’t make outthe words but he sees his lips moving and catches the musical tone.

“What’ve you got for me?” he asks loudly, finallycatching Mike’s attention as he looks up with a jerk of his neck and slightlywidened eyes.

“Ideas,” he replies promptly, “and…more ideas.”

Harvey sits across from him and raises his handsqueryingly, and Mike sighs through his teeth.

“There’s something rotten in this blackmail angle,” he complains,“but I cannot figure out what it is.”

“Maybe if you tried singing about it,” Harvey tauntsbefore he thinks better of it, and Mike smirks.

“Not without my backup dancers.”

Grinning, Harvey stands and knocks his knuckles againstMike’s desk.

“Let me know when you have your next brilliant flash ofinsight,” he says. “In the meantime, I’ll put Vanessa on it.”

Mike drops his head into his hands. “I’ve gotta get meone of those.”

“Alright, Commissioner.”

—

By three that afternoon, Mike has cobbled together enoughof a theory to start making probing phone calls, and from what little Vanessahas found so far, their conclusions seem to be lining up; when Harvey returnsto his office after a late lunch, Mike has left a stack of papers clippedtogether on top of his laptop with a blue highlighter placed carefully on thedesk beside.

The first page is a concise summary with page references(good boy), informing him that the best information will be on the fifth page,and sure enough, when Harvey flips to it, there’s a Post-It stuck to the topmargin.

“Who pays blackmail through a hospital fund?” Mike’srushed scrawl reads, which is certainly a point worth considering. Then,underneath, a little neater: “The club isn’t the best place to find a lover, sothe bar is where I go; me and my friends at the table doing shots, drinkingfast and then we talk slow.”

The tune begins ringing in his head immediately andHarvey rips the lower half off the Post-It, crumpling it in his fist andtossing it in the garbage.

That little fucker.

Of all things, why did it have to be a love song?

—

“Put Van the Man on the jukebox,” Mike declaresnonsensically, slapping a printout that looks like an email chain down onHarvey’s desk.

“Most people knock,” Harvey drawls, hoping Mike can’ttell that that damn song is suddenly stuck in his head for the third time today.“What’s this?”

“A conversation beginning exactly eleven months ago nextweek between our client Mister Jim Stone and the man he claims to beblackmailing him,” Mike stabs the paper, his eyes lighting up, “initiated by—”

“Stone,” Harvey interrupts, taking the paper and skimmingthe text. “Where’d you get this?”

“My new girl Penelope,” Mike says with a grin. “AnywayI’d say this is pretty damning evidence that the blackmail claim is bullshit.”

“And it only took a week to drag this up,” Harvey says.Leaning back in his chair, he purses his lips and raises his eyebrows. “Sowho’s Penelope? Someone special I should be getting to know?”

“Oh, don’t be jealous, Harvey,” Mike sing-songs, “youknow your love was handmade for somebody like me.”

“Get the fuck out of here,” Harvey chuckles, and Mikewalks backwards out of the office with a little swing in his hips.

Harvey pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. This isstarting to get out of hand.

—

Two days later, Mike and Harvey lurk in the hall as theylet Jim Stone and some assistant of his wait in Conference Room C, uncertain asto exactly why they’ve been called in and hopefully getting nervous. Flippingthrough an unrelated file, Mike tries to look busy in case Stone is watchingthem.

“You wanna be the good cop or the bad cop?” Mike asks,and Harvey scoffs.

“You really asking me that?”

Mike closes the file and bites down on a smirk. “We pushand pull like a magnet do,” he croons; Harvey smacks his shoulder and Mikelaughs.

“Come on, follow my lead.”

God help him, Harvey does, walking half a pace behindMike as they confront Mister Stone.

“Harvey,” Jim says, standing with a cocksure smile. “Iassume I’m here because you have good news?”

“If that’s what you want to call it,” Harvey returnsskeptically, brandishing a printout of the email chain. “How about you start bybeing up front with us about this?”

Harvey watches Jim rush to invent a plausible excuse ashe puffs up his chest and darts a gaze to his assistant; he hasn’t had to lie likethis in awhile, it seems.

Mike begins to hum.

Oh, no you don’t.

“He first contacted me by phone,” Jim says eventually,obviously under the impression that he’s coming across as some kind of smoothcustomer, and Mike stops humming as he rolls his eyes and the assistantscribbles something on a notepad.

“‘Mister Tennon,’” Mike recites, “‘my name is Jim Stone,and I believe I have a proposal which would be of mutual benefit to us if youwould be willing to further discuss the matter at a later date.’ Sounds like anintroduction to me, wouldn’t you say, Harvey?”

“I would,” Harvey agrees, “and frankly Jim, I don’t givea damn what you’re trying to cover up here unless it’s going to come around andbite me in the ass while I’m trying to mount your defense, so how about youstop bullshitting us and explain yourself?”

Stone fumbles for another few seconds before falling backinto his seat, averting his gaze and doing his best to keep from gaping like afish; Harvey cross his arms over his chest and Mike puts his hands on his hips.

Then…wait a second.

For crying out loud, does he even know he’s doing itanymore, or has it become just some awful habit?

Stone starts digging around in his briefcase, as thoughsomething in there will explain his poor planning and general stupidity, whenHarvey hears it clearly:

“I’m in love with your body,” Mike mumbles rhythmically.

Stone pulls out a stack of papers and keeps digging ashis assistant wrings his hands uselessly.

“Every day discovering something brand new…”

Harvey grits his teeth.

“I’m in love with the shape—”

“Alright, that’s it.”

Harvey grabs Mike’s elbow and hauls him stumbling out thedoor into the hall; Stone looks up in surprise and his assistant’s head snapsaround as the door swings shut behind them and Harvey doesn’t often wish theglass walls of this office were made of something a little more opaque, but he sureis wishing that now.

“What the hell are you doing?” he hisses the moment heand Mike are out of view of their client; a couple of stray associates wisely scuttleaway, keeping their heads down, and Mike looks genuinely baffled, raising hishands and shaking his head.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Mike says. Harveyisn’t sure whether to believe him or not.

“That song,” he snaps, “you’ve been—humming it andsinging it and drumming it for a weekand a half!”

“It’s stuck in my head,” Mike mutters.

“That song,” Harvey says dryly. “That song in particularhas been stuck in your head for over aweek.”

Mike shrugs. “I guess? Why, you got something against EdSheeran?”

“Do I— No, Mike, I have something against you singing a love song at me for ten days straight!”

Mike looks down shamefacedly, then back up with his eyesnarrowed. “Wait, why?”

Harvey doesn’t really have an answer to that; or, hedoes, handily, but he’s not about to tell Mike what it is.

“Because it’s very unprofessional,” he declares, which itactually kind of is. “And I know he sure doesn’t look it, but Stone is worth alot of money that I don’t want to see flushed down the drain when he fires us becauseyou can’t get your earworm under control!”

It’s true; Stone’s suit isn’t even made to measure, muchless bespoke. The man clearly has no idea how to handle his fortune. Probably inherited.

But Mike has that look in his eye like he’s uncovered afact buried about a hundred meters underground that someone went to a greatdeal of trouble to hide from him (because Harvey did), and he’s not about tolet it go (just as Harvey taught him).

“But you would’ve been fine with ‘Castle on the Hill.’”

“That’s not the point.”

“That’s exactly the point,” Mike argues. “You said youdon’t like me singing a love song, at you, for ten days, and I’m asking you why,because I have an idea and I’d like to know if we’re on the same page with it.”

Shit.

Wait.

Harvey frowns. “What do you mean, ‘same page’?”

Shoving his hand into his hair, Mike looks away and sighssharply.

“Before I say what I’m going to say, I’d like to remindyou that it would be a huge pain in the ass at this point for you to hiresomeone to replace me and the number of people with eidetic memories is vanishinglysmall so you’re basically guaranteed to never find anyone else who’s goodenough to pass the Bar without going to law school and I’ve got enough dirt onyou and Specter Litt to bury this firm if I really want to but.” He pauses abruptly and Harvey takes a moment to be impressedthat he got that all out in one breath before Mike meets his eyes challengingly.

“I’m getting kind of sick of pretending I’m not super into you.”

Of all the ways this situation could have played out,this is definitely one of the weirdest. Best? Weirdest. But also sort ofawesome.

But very weird.

Harvey clears his throat imperiously and tries to find somestable footing.

“Are you threatening me?”

Mike puts his hands in his pockets and looks upthoughtfully, clenching his teeth; he was confident enough to say what he did,but he’s not completely confident that he’s right about it. Well, he’s a guywho goes after what he wants, that’s for sure; that consequences-be-damnedattitude has gotten him in trouble in the past, but he’s still willing to puthimself out there when it counts.

“I think,” Mike speculates, “that it was more like…blackmail?”

Harvey smirks. “Are you sure about that, because I didn’thear any quid pro quo demands.”

He sees the moment Mike realizes that he hasn’t beenchastised, or demoted, and his cocky grin mimics Harvey’s almost exactly.

“Either you invite me out to dinner in a clearly defineddate-like capacity, or you wait for me to ask you first.”

“You son of a bitch.”

Nodding his agreement, Mike magnanimously offers hishand. “So, Mister Specter, we agree?”

Harvey takes his hand and shakes it firmly. “I’ll pickyou up at eight.”

They hold each other’s grips for a period definitelylonger than necessary, and Mike grins.

“I’ll be waiting.”

Harvey watches fondly as Mike strides back into theconference room and opens a folder full of spreadsheets to shove in theirclient’s face.

The kid sure knows how to handle a tough situation; thisis going to be fun.

There’s just one more question Harvey has to ask himself beforetonight:

The button-front or the Henley?

Chapter Two

—

“I’ve gotta get me one of those.” —Commissioner James Gordon (GaryOldman), Batman Begins (2005)

“Castle on the Hill” is the other lead single fromSheeran’s studio album ÷ (2017).

Just to clarify, Penelope isn’t Mike’s girlfriend, she’s his C.I. (his Vanessa).