#he legit shut up haters today

[king--dom]

"Goddammit Caleb, fuck off. I really thought you were different"

"This IS different! We've been friends forever, Lucy! I was one of the first people you came out to and I've been by your side for years!"

"Waiting for your chance, evidently!"

"Is it such a crime to wanna help my friends start a family?"

"It should be to pretend to be someone's friend just to be 'the one man'."

"You said yourself that IVF is too damn expensive!"

"Yeah, and that me and Amanda gonna save up for it "

"But what if you don't have to? It could take way longer than you expect and with the way politics are going, it may not be an option in a few years."

"Then why don't you help us pay for it if you care so damn much?"

"I would if that's what you needed! But if we don't HAVE to spend the money and if my genes are as good as anybody's and--"

"And if you get to fuck your lesbian couple friends."

"Only to help start your family!"

"Yeah, I'm sure you'll keep insisting we 'make sure' until we start showing."

"They came out with an app that alerts you the second your pregnant, so it would just be until the alert goes off"

"Oh my fucking god...you realize Amanda is the one who's gonna carry the baby right? This still isn't your chance to fuck your old crush"

"Like I've been saying, that's not what this is. And y'know before she came out I--"

"Shut up before I hear something you'll regret. That's my wife you fucker"

"Alright, just promise you'll talk it over with her, okay?"

"What makes you think she'll agree?"

"I don't necessarily think she will, but I still want to offer any help I can"

"Ugh, fine. But don't get your hopes up."

*******************************************

"Babe you can't be serious."

"Lucy, I know you're stressed out trying to save money, but I don't think he's being underhanded."

"I'm not talking about that! I got over that, he's just a ridiculous dork. I mean you can't seriously be considering fucking that goober."

"To save a quarter year's wages? Maybe. It doesn't have to be a big production, it's just sex"

"But it's more than just sex. I don't know, sex with you is something really important and special to me. Him just giving you a boring fuck is almost worse than you having sex with a man in general."

"So you'd rather he seduce me and blow my mind?"

"I'd rather put a baby in you myself! Stop laughing!"

"I'm sorry babe, I know you're much more of a man-hater than me but I really don't see the big deal."

"Oh yeah? You're the one with a nonstop libido, I figured it'd be a pretty big deal to you"

"Stop~ you might get me riled up haha. I've looked into that app, y'know. It's legit, it even tracks orgasms. Why don't I set it up and you can see just how much you've got me wrapped around your finger. Would you feel less scared that your best friend will steal me away then?"

"Pff, he doesn't scare me. Fine, let's see if it works and if it does I'll tell Caleb he's got a chance at being a donor."

******************************************

"You seem a lot more chipper today"

"Let's just say it's nice to put numbers on how good of a top you are"

"You tried out the app? It's pretty great right?"

"Hmph, I guess. Listen, I appreciate you want to help, but you have to understand this is about more than money for me. My pride as a provider, a top, and a lesbian are in the mix. My girl deserves the best and if I'm gonna allow anybody else to fuck her they gotta prove they're up to the task"

"Uh, okay? I think I get what you mean. So what do you propose?"

"I'm not gonna just let you fuck my wife. You're gonna have to somehow get her hot and heavy for you and treat her right before you even get a shot"

"You want me to...seduce Amanda?"

"I want you to try. Since I can track her orgasms, I'll know if you don't satisfy her before you try to knock her up. If you dare try to pump and dump my wife, it's seriously gonna be the last thing you do."

"Okay okay! Sorry, this is just a full 180 from what you were saying last time. And wait...you're gonna use the app to track it? You're not just gonna be in the room?"

"One: I don't wanna have to watch you fumble with pleasing my wife. Two: I still have to make money to pay the mortgage and groceries."

"Okay...so what time should I--"

"Figure it out."

"Huh?"

"I told you I'm not gonna just let you sleep with Amanda. I'm actually going to be playing goalie as much as I can to keep you from getting the chance."

"Wait but you said--"

"These are the terms of my challenge: if you try to come over when I'm home I'm going to physically throw you out like Jazz in Fresh Prince. If you somehow get Amanda to let you in and get in bed, the first orgasm I'm alerted to I'm heading straight over to-once again-bounce your ass on the pavement. You have a week starting tomorrow morning to do your best and if you can't, you're paying for half the IVF"

"God, I forgot how competitive you get. Okay fine I'll--"

"Ah! Not done. To make sure you don’t chicken out, 'cause you're my friend but I really wanna enjoy cockblocking you, if you somehow manage to put a baby in Amanda after making her cum...I'll let you put a baby in me."

"...Lucy..."

"Ha! What's wrong? Too scared or too horny to think straight?"

"Sigh...fine...if this is what it takes to help you two, I accept."

"Good! You're not a coward of a man after all. Go ahead and get your finances straight tonight because starting tomorrow, it's the beginning of the end for you."

********************************************

"You're so dramatic"

"Don't act like it doesn't turn you on~"

"Two things can be true haha as long as you're comfortable, I'm willing to play along"

"I still can't believe you're okay letting him come onto you"

"Well I guess now I don't have to be since he has to pay up if he doesn't. As dramatic as it is, I appreciate you prioritizing my pleasure.

"Like I said, sex with you is sacred. I intend to enforce that. Why don't I prioritize your pleasure before we go to sleep~"

*********************************************

"Have a good day babe!"

"You too Amanda, remember to not even open the door unless Caleb somehow manages to make you blush"

"I probably won't even hear the doorbell, you got me all revved up I'm probably gonna stay in bed a but longer and jill to the thought of what you did last night~"

"God I love you."

********************************************

*Ping*

[3 orgasms @ 8:32, 9:14, & 9:56]

"God she couldn't even wait for me to get to work. Lunch is almost done and she never texted saying Caleb swung by. He must not be taking this seriously enough. I was certain my wager would light a fire under him, oh well his loss."

"Hey Lucy, glad I caught up with you. You back on the clock?"

"About to be what'sup?"

"Got a rush order that has to be done today. Marketing fucked up and never sent us their info, now we need it ready for tomorrow's presentation."

"Goddammit, okay. If I start now I can probably bang it out before quitting time."

"Awesome, I gotta go put out some other fires, you're a life saver"

"Just remember that at my next review! ...man he moves fast, better get a raise from this."

*Ping*

[1 new orgasm @ 12:34]

"Heh, Amanda must be getting her second wind."

*Ping*

[1 new orgasm @ 12:43]

"Damn...she never bounces back that fast. I really must have set her on fire last night

*Ping*

[2 new orgasms @ 12:58 & 1:05]

"Fucking hell, she must have gotten a new vibe? Shit I'm getting wet just thinking about it. I should be home right now instead of working on this last minute bullshit report"

*Ping*

[3 new orgasms @ 1:19, 1:26, & 1:37]

"I just have to put my phone away. I can't think while I'm checking this every time."

*Ping*

*Ping*

*Ping*

*Da-ding! Da-ding!*

"What the fuck is that notification??"

[2 new orgasms @ 1:49 & 1:56]

[3 new orgasms @ 2:09, 2:16, & 2:25]

[2 new orgasms at 2:37 & 2:48]

[Successful impregnation @ 3:08]

"What the fuck!? When did he even...HOW LONG HAS HE BEEN THERE!?"

"Lucy? What's wrong?"

"Jerry, I need to get home right now! Jesus this is--"

"Family emergency? Somebody at the hospital?"

"Yes! I mean not that, but--"

"Are you almost done with the report?"

"I'm like halfway through, I can finish it first thing!"

"East coast branch needs it first thing their time EST."

"I can finish it at home, I promise!"

"Not this one, it's some serious NDA stuff. We'd lose our accredidation if you took this home."

"Fucking...is nobody else able to take this over?"

"Not without overtime. Listen normally I'd let it slide, but unless someone is dying or being born I can't spare you. I'll try to send someone over to help you out."

"God it's already too late to...okay thanks Jerry. Fuck..."

"Sorry Lucy"

**********************************************

*Ping*

*Ping*

*Ping*

"Stupid fucking marketing that cant send shit on time. Stupid fucking interns that can't read excel. Stupid fucking traffic holding me up! Stupid fucking CALEB! FUCKING MY WIFE!"

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

"YOU BETTER BE LONG GONE CALEB! WHEN I GET IN HERE I'M GONNA FUCK. YOU. U--..."

"Oh hey Lucy, I was wondering when you were getting home. Amanda here's been pretty impatient."

"What the FUCK is going on??"

"Well right now she's sucking me off 'cause she's too blissed from cumming her brains out but still feeling pretty amorous"

"I can fucking see that you--how the fuck did this happen?

"I waited to come over when I knew you were settled at work. Maybe it's best Amanda tell you the rest from there~"

*Pop*

"Ha...ha...ha...hi Lucy~ y’know even after wearing myself out I wasn't ready to just let Caleb in...but he started talking about wanting to get to know his future baby mama better and I was already feeling like a prized treasure after last night~ I really was just planning on talking to him, catching up on things, but he said such sweet things and really listened to everything I had to say about my boundaries and what feels good. Then he asked to make sure he knew what I liked and I let him touch me and...oh boy I don't know how we never clocked him as a lover boy but mmmm he knows how to use his hands"

"Amanda...you came so many times...so fast...faster than I've ever..."

"Lucy it's okay! I still love you and I can't wait to fuck you again, nothing's changed between us"

"Then why did you keep fucking after he knocked you up!"

"Heehee, well we really thought you'd be here by then... and we already had your permission...and you made a big deal about how I deserve the best~"

"Would you say I passed your test, Lucy?"

"Caleb I swear to god I'm--You need to leave before I do something that'll land me in jail."

"Sweetie, don't be like that~ Come here lemme--"

"Don't touch me, you're covered in his--"

"Shh shh shh, we're all friends. This was always a possibility"

"No it wasn't! He's a dork that's crushed on me since high school! There wasn't a world where he was gonna one-up me!"

"Well here we are, you didnt consider this when you made your wager?"

"I was gonna win!"

"Well now you need to own up to your end of the bargain"

"No fucking way! I'm not gonna--"

"It's okay Amanda, I knew it'd be a long shot. Honestly I'm honored to have helped this much. If Lucy wants to back out I'm--"

"Fuck you! Don't you act all high and mighty; I don't need your pity!"

"Sweetie it's okay, he's not gonna hold you to it"

"It's not about him! I...I put my pride on the line...and I fucking lost...welching on a deal isn't gonna fix that..."

"Whatever you need to do, I'm right here with you."

"Goddammit Amanda...I love you..."

"I love you too Lucy."

"Alright you fucker...you win...you knocked up my wife, you fucked her better than I ever could, and I couldn't even stop you...come and claim your prize..."

"Lucy I really wanna say this was never about humiliating you, I wanted to respect your challenge and...I'd be lying if I said your wager didn't motivate me, but I love you. As my best friend, as my future baby mama, and as whatever we may be in the future."

"You really did all this and were completely serious this whole time?"

"Well...yeah. what can I say?"

"I can't believe I'm letting such a fucking dork impregnate me..."

"We can take it as slow and steady as you want, no rush."

"Fuck that, let's get right to it"

"I had a feeling you'd say that. I may have talked to Amanda about what you like as well"

"Traitor"

"You'll think me later sweetie. Now kiss your baby daddy while I set up the app for you"

"Why?!"

"So we know when you're knocked up. Unless you wanna keep going after he's already bred you."

"Fine! I get it! Come here you fucking--"

"Oh wow he's really been wanting this...damn sweetie he's all over you. I thought he'd need some warm up first, but he must have memorized everything I told him. The app should be set up and synced to--"

*Ping*

"No way...Lucy there's no way you just--"

"Shut it! Shut up! We're not talking about it! I'm just pent up from a long day!"

"Aw c'mon it's not from me rubbing your clit like this?"

*Ping*

"You fucking bastard...not in front of my wife"

"It's okay sweetie, it's kinda hot seeing you like this. I always thought you liked to top because it's the only thing that made you feel good. I never realized you were so sensitive, it's kinda cute~"

*Ping*

"I told you she probably had a humiliation kink"

"Haaa! D-don't talk about mmme, like-fuck...like I'm not here!"

"Sorry honey, I've been your lover for years, but he's been your best friend for longer, I think he's got the full read on you."

"It's not that you're pathetic, it's that you're a badass who always has to keep it up. But you've pushed down the fear of not measuring up and now you get to safely feel what it's like to be a sensitive little bottom that's ready to fall apart for a man that can wrap you around his finger."

*Ping*

"Did I mention he's good at dirty talk?"

"Caleb! You motherfucker...if you tell anyone about this..."

"Shh, don't worry. This Lucy is just for me and Amanda to see. Speaking of, why don't you help your wife lie down and get ready mama?"

*Ping*

"Oh wow, Lucy you even cum when I call your wife mama? Good to know"

"Haaaa, I swear I'm...mmmm, going to..."

"Calm down sweetheart, let's get you ready. You're the only one with clothes still on. This is nice, usually you're leading me, but now I can lead you on how to be a good sub. Just focus on me, think about all the fun we've had on this bed and how you've made me look when you fuck me with your strap. Now that's gonna be you, and you're gonna be so hot~"

"Amanda I don't know if I can do this...if he makes me cum with his...and I like it...then he knocks me up...then--"

"Then you'll still love me and I'll still love you. And if there's room in our lives for our baby daddy, we'll work it out. We haven't failed, we've succeeded! We're gonna start our family! You've already made it happen"

"I love you Amanda"

"And I love Lucy"

"Shut up and kiss me before I hurl"

"I know I'm standing here with a raging hard-on, but you two are the most adorable couple ever."

"Yeah yeah, just come over here and don't make me regret this"

*********************************************

[56 new orgasms @ ...]

"Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck, goddamn you motherfucker! Fuck me into the mattress! Batter my womb! Knock me up! Breed me! Pump your fucking kids into me! Fuck!"

"Damn Lucy, your dirty mouth perfectly matches the rest of your sexy body! You feel so good squeezing my cock, you're ready to be a mother now aren't you?"

"Yes! Goddammit, impregnate me so my tits can swell up and I can feed your fucking children! You fucking bastard, stole my fucking wife and then fucked me too. You motherfucker!"

"He hasn't stolen me Lucy, I should be worried about him stealing you from me at this point."

"Don't worry mama, she's just reveling in how her pathetic male friend outfoxed her and outfucks her too, isn't that right, Lucy?"

*Ping*

"I guess you're right honey~"

*Ping*

"Oh wow she really lights up when you call me pet names. Show her how much you've fallen for me, hm?"

"Yes dear, whatever you say. Even though Lucy wanted me all to herself, she was no match for my big strong man. I'm so lucky to have such a lovely baby daddy, though if you really love me you'll become my husband too~"

*Ping* *Ping* *Ping*

"She loves that! I think I love it too! Maybe I will make an honest woman out of you, poor Lucy here couldn't."

*Ping* *Ping*

"Please do sweetie, make me the happiest woman she never could~"

*Ping* *Ping* *Ping* *Ping*

"This is it! I can't hold it anymore! Lucy's feels too damn good cumming on me! Here it comes Lucy! I'm going to breed you because you get off on your wife cheering me on! Now fucking take it!"

"Fuck yes! Make me your woman! Steal my wife! I-I...I love you Caleb!"

*Ping* *Ping* *Ping* *Ping* *Ping* *Ping*

"Oh fuck! Ah! Ah! God I've never cum so fucking hard in my life, not even when I fucked your wife! Ahh fuck I'm still...take every last drop Lucy. You're my baby mama now...you're both mine now..."

*Da-ding! Da-ding!*

[Successful impregnation @ 1:34]

"He's right, we're both carrying his children now. Are you happy Lucy?"

"Aaa..aa...Amanda...he did it...we're both gonna be mothers..."

"We are Lucy! I'm so happy, we're gonna have kids together."

"Ha..ha..and they're gonna have the best dad in the world"

"I'd be honored to join you two, I can't believe how lucky I am."

"No...not join us...we're yours...we're the lucky ones."

"She's being dramatic again, but I'm not arguing. We'll figure out the paperwork later, for right now, let's all go to sleep as a new family~"

"I...I love you two...Amanda...Caleb..."

"We love you too sweetie. Go on Caleb, you can say it too."

"I love you too mama. And I love you too, darling~"

*Ping*

[showtoonzfan]

SPOILERS for Across the Spiderverse, ganna rant about Gwen’s character and the unnecessary hate she gets. 💀

After finally seeing Spiderverse, yeah…I don’t trust Gwen haters. Like holy shit, I have seen SO many people get on her ass. And I get it. She lied to Miles, she let him down, she screwed up. I think what just ticks me off is that people today just love making everything so fucking black and white. This film isn’t one note, it’s complex. You feel for BOTH sides, not just Miles. I never thought some people would need to have it spelled out but….Miles wasn’t the only character going through something. Gwen does too, and this film explores that, like it legit makes me wonder if people just…turned their brains off whenever the film focused on her, which was legit most of the first half.

Not only was she still carrying the weight of her friend’s death while also feeling guilt of leaving him, but her own father is a cop who is out to get spider woman, believing that she is a criminal who let Peter die. It isn’t easy on Gwen, the opening scene of her trying to get lost in playing the drums and shutting down her band mates shows that she wants to avoid her feelings. Miles was the ONLY friend she had, she didn’t make any other close friends other than Peter. She felt alone, she felt trapped, and once her identity was revealed to her father, the moment he tries to arrest her is her breaking point, it’s why she joined Miguel and the others. She had nowhere to go, she felt like she couldn’t go back and was utterly alone until the spider crew accepted her.

When it comes to Gwen and some of the other characters, some of y’all need to see their perspective. They all lost someone they loved, someone they cared about, and Miguel comes to them and tells them that their trauma happened for a reason. It made them stronger, it made them move forward and created who they are today. They all felt alone at one point, only to realize that they weren’t. They also know that you can’t save everyone, and wether Miguel’s point of view is morally corrupt or not, everyone felt they were doing what was right.

In Gwen’s case, she WANTED to see Miles, and she DID see Miles. She wanted to hang out with him so badly but couldn’t, and you eventually see her guilt for not telling Miles the full story, how he wasn’t supposed to be here, how his dad is going to die and he can’t do anything about it. She felt like she had no choice, Jessica was strict on her (for good reason) and Gwen knew she had a job to do, she like everyone else wanted to save the multiverse and protect everyone, even if it meant breaking Miles, and his dad’s death. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m excusing Gwen, but I find it so funny that people beg for complex and flawed characters, and then when we actually get them, they’re targeted for making mistakes. Cause yeah, god forbid a teenage girl feels alone, doesn’t know what to do, and makes a mistake.

And what’s even more insulting is that Gwen actually REALIZED her mistake. She knows she fucked up, she KNOWS she hurt Miles and let him down, her line of “we’re supposed to be the good guys”- is important because that’s her realizing just how far Miguel took it to a bad level. We all see how utterly broken she is when Miles tells her he should have never come, and broke her web off. In the end, she switches sides and decides to GO AFTER Miles. That’s her making a choice, realizing she was wrong and doing the right thing. Gwen is still a good person guys. She cares for Miles, she’s not a snake or malicious. She’s a troubled teen who wants to be a hero, but was split between two sides, along with the weight on her back regarding her father and her friend. This movie begs the question of saving one person or making sacrifices to safe others. You understand BOTH sides even if Miguel went about it the wrong way.

Speaking of Miguel, the last thing I want to talk about is the obvious sexism going on, cause I feel like that mostly stems from why so many people hate Gwen, cause MAN do people lose brain cells when they’re horny. Like…let me get this straight, y’all get on Gwen, a teenage girl btw….call her a bitch, a snake who doesn’t deserve Miles and a horrible person, but praise a grown man who ridiculed, chased down, clawed, and body slammed a 15 year old kid, calling him a mistake over and over again all because he wanted to save his father???? Yeah okay, if you’re someone who doesn’t like Gwen, fine…but if you hate on her and praise Miguel, a dude who needs therapy and beefed with a 15 year old……then you’re just sexist…I don’t know what to tell you. Same goes for Jessica Drew. Like so many people are quick to say Miguel is complex and that they get where he’s coming from, but when it’s Gwen or Jessica?? They’re just bitches apparently. 🫤

So yeah, regardless of if you like her character or not, Gwen deserves better fr. I for one can’t wait for the next film and to see her mend her relationship with Miles, because they do genuinely have a good relationship, they just need to fix it. That’s all I wanted to say…oh, and one more thing, the way the animators on the movie got treated was NOT okay and the film better be delayed. No way in hell is it coming out next year. Do better Sony/Phil Lord ect, treat your animators right. Kay bye.

[iscos-alarcons]

ronaldo could have scored his 300th league goal and get a hattrick but he let benzema take penalty but yeah he is so selfish smh

i am so proud of cristiano

[seeds-and-sins]

F**kin' Diabolical (Chapter One)

Master List

Pairing: Homelander / Original Female Character, Billy Butcher / Original Female Character

Rating: M (Strong language, sexual themes)

Decription: Carly Danvers is a reporter/radio show host/annoying little piece of- For reasons unknown to Vought, she decided to start a one man investigation on Vought's operation. Her efforts had been quite successful so far, so much so that Stillwell would have done anything to see the young girl dead. Turns out Stillwell didn't have to do anything at all, while one piece of evidence against Vought causes Danvers to fly too close to the sun. And Homelander flies after her.

Notes: Carly Danvers is basically a play on Kara Danvers, A.K.A. Supergirl. Except my own take on it.

The hard part wasn't getting in, any idiot would know that, the hard part was getting out. For as fortified as the building was, she didn't really need much to bypass the security. They were used to pretty girls strutting themselves into the building, either for the Deep, or for an expo. Which these reasons often explained such an occurrence, and in this case, an expo was scheduled for the next three hours, a gala afterwards, pretty girls were in high demand for these events.

Her taking a walk through the main lobby of the building didn't go unnoticed, but it was long ignored after she 'accidentally' stumbled into the nearest security guard, mumbling something about the bathroom. With her head down she entered a small crowd of businessmen and women, making their way into the elevator. She would soon get off on a different floor, nobody would ask questions as they moved higher up the building's ladder. Corporate on top, Heroes on top, lobby on the bottom, events and offices all in between; marketing, studios, etc.

Of course, she was the last to exit. Stillwell's office was on the top floor, along with the board room, the helipad and the apartment style living quarters for the Seven. Carly wasn't by any means nervous, she had infiltrated Vought before and her failures didn't deter her from doing so. Her one drive, that Vought was a bunch of liars, that the Seven were as corrupt as anybody could be. She despised that they were lauded, hated that they got away with crimes normal individuals would otherwise not get away with. Supes had issues. She, as a reporter, wanted everyone to know. For years she had been slithering her way around Vought, capturing evidence, posting it online, getting eye witness testimonies, publishing it. She had grown a small base around the facts, that Vought wasn't all that great, but it wasn't enough. It was never enough. Her biggest accomplishment was just around the corner, a surprise interview with Madelyn Stillwell herself, a chance to finally get the answers she wanted.

She snuck her way out of the elevator as proud of herself as ever for making it this far, usually she was ransacked on her way through the double doors of the tower. She smugly made her way down the hall, taking glances at the obnoxious photo shots of the Seven hung up on the wall. She was so close too, if only she had been more vigilant. Even being vigilant though wouldn't have aided her mission.

Within seconds she was being slammed harshly up against the wall, a hand at her throat was all it really took. She kept herself calm, and unafraid, knowing that if she moved wrong the man before her could crack her neck with his pinky alone. His grin pierced her soul, and she soon returned it with her own grin, which only suited to make the Homelander more intrigued. His hands fell flat against the wall, on either side of her, barring her in with those thick sheets of muscle and superhuman power.

"Oh Carly, Carly," He taunted, one of his fingers brushing away the blonde strands that fell out before her face. She peered confidently into his steely gaze with her own brilliantly blue eyes. "Don't we have a restraining order on you?"

"Actually..." She piped in, with a tone as condescending as his own. She reached down into her jean pocket and retrieved a security card, from the guard she bumped into earlier. "I am not Carly today."

"Oh, of course," He chuckled, reaching down and inspecting the photo on the id. "Indeed, so you are Gary, is that correct?" He returned his hands to either side of her head, grinning at her, hoping to make her all the more inferior. But Carly's blood pressure never even so much as peaked and her heart rate was always the same as it had been before his presence was known. He never understood how she, compared to so many, remained so kempt under his sterling supervision. "A middle aged white man, that weighs over three hundred pounds?" She nodded her head, giggled a bit and he licked his lips.

"Exactly." Homelander rolled his eyes, haphazardly tossing the card over his shoulder.

"Seriously though, you shouldn't be here, its against the rules." His expression dropped into a stoic glare, but his eyes continued to intensely run up and down her body, almost hungry, hungry for something he could never have.

"When have you ever known me as someone who follows the rules?"

"That's a fair point." He nodded his head, "but seriously," He deadpanned. "I could kill you right now for trespassing, couldn't I? And it would be reasonable as you were the one breaking the law, wouldn't it?" She didn't react, which at times annoyed him, but he wouldn't give her the benefit of knowing that. He much rather preferred the playful banter to be honest, it made things so much more interesting for him.

"You aren't going to kill me, Homelander. It would look bad on Vought's part, wouldn't you agree?" She leaned in closer to his body, knowing she was playing with fire, hands pressing against the somewhat unrealistic pectoral muscles of his suit. "One of Vought's greatest enemies on the opposition, disappears after finding themselves in Vought's tower." Homelander glanced back and forth, up and down the hallway, as if he himself wouldn't hear the footsteps of an oncoming bystander from a mile away. "Oh, Homelander, does your dick cup need adjusting, or are you just happy to see me?"

"That's enough, citizen." He snarled between clenched teeth, shoving her back against the wall and she sighed her irritation with the whole situstion. She got so close to getting that interview, only a few steps away.

For a moment, she wondered why he was always so gentle with her. Obviously he was never slamming her up against the wall, or pushing her around at his fullest capacity, she was grateful for that. At the same time, it did hurt, he had left bruises on her arm before, he had nearly broken her wrist once. None of this was anything new, she had been between Homelander and a wall many times before. It seemed to be his favorite way of addressing her, but she could never tell. Homelander's intimidation tactics had stopped working months ago, so Stillwell had resorted to just discrediting Carly, ignoring her, but Carly was still determined.

"Urgh, I just wanted an interview with Stillwell."

"How did you even get in the building, huh?" He gave her some space, surprisingly, taking a step back and interlocking his hands behind his back. She crossed her arms and leaned on her hips, staring him down.

"How else do people enter this building? I walked in."

"Hmm, those fucking idiots." Homelander mumbled under his breath, making his way back towards the elevator. He expected her to follow close behind and she did. If she didn't it would be pointless, he would catch her and most likely carry her to the elevator as if she were a piece of paper.

"To be fair, they did suspect me at first but I'm just so pretty, ya'know?" He snorted at her remark and stopped at the elevator door, pressing the button and then tilting his head down over at her tiny self.

"Next time, it won't be so easy." The elevator dinged and the doors opened, Homelander smiled at her.

"I still will find a way, Homelander." She backpeddled into the elevator and he winked at her.

"I'm sure you will, Ms. Danvers, you always do."

"And you waiting for me on the other side, always makes it better, doesn't it?" He ignored that question as the doors closed shut, his smile falling into a grimace.

"Its not like that." He explained, turning to face an authoritative Ms.Stillwell, who had been patiently waiting for him to finish his conversation with Carly.

"Sure its not, no matter how many times I ask you to get rid of her, you let her go every goddamned time." Stillwell stomped past him, her perfume wafting into his super senses and he sighed.

"Fuck." The human had made him soft, that was a fact, and Stillwell knew it as well as he did.

"Hello! My lovely diabolical hero haters, my name is Carly Danvers and we are here for my favorite segment on the show, 'Not so Super Superheroes'." An applaud from a fake audience, a foghorn blasted out loud and she exploded with laughter. She adjusted the mic towards her, along the headseat on her head. "So anyways, I have this guy that's been trying to get on my radio show for legit months now. I was advised not to allow it, but he brings some interesting superhero fallacies to the table. Without further a due, I introduce Doctor Miles Porter. Miles, how are you doing today?"

"I'm doing good, Carly. Fantastic actually."

"That's good to hear, so are you an actual doctor, or what?"

"Yes, actually, I have a PhD in Chemistry."

"Wow, very interesting, and you are a hero hater just like us?"

"Actually no, but I had a recent falling out with my job under Vought so I decided nows a good time as any to become one."

"Oh, alrighty then, this is perfect timing by the way. I heard you know a little about this conspiracy with the blue dope, would you like to elaborate?"

"Well, its not 'blue dope', its a compound..."

"JESSICA! Get your ass in here, right now." Stillwell shouted, hands clenched into fists at her sides as the one named Miles Porter further explained the elements of Compound V over a Live radio station.

"Uh sure, doc, but with all due respect I don't believe in that mumbo jumbo. Do you Allen?"

Stillwell exhaled a breath of relief for a moment, taking the file on Miles Porter from Jessica's trembling hands.

"Nope, not one bit, Carly." Allen was Carly's partner in crime so to speak, they had been friends since childhood.

"I mean, there are notable studies on evolution that completely debunk the blue dope conspriacy."

"Those studies are falsified by Vought, they just want us to think that heroes are natural so they can continue to profit off of them. Do you really think that you are just gonna spout powers out right now?"

"No, that's a bunch of bs, doc, and you know it. Evolution doesn't work like that. I'm just saying, a few generations from now all of us might have super powers. Who knows?"

"You're supposed to be a hero hater!" The doctor exclaimed.

"Now you listen, and you listen well. I never said I hate heroes because they were birthed from some stupid conspiracy juice. I said I hate them because of the shit they do, they don't apply themselves to the law. We don't need heroes like that."

"Well, at least she isn't feeding into the Compound V, scandal." A voice sounded out from behind Stillwell, she physically flinched and then turned to face Homelander. She flattened her pencil skirt as she did so, then waltzed over to her desk, the radio still playing in the background.

"Her following is quite strong, not enough but strong, and just the fact that its being talked about is despicable."

"Homelander is cool though." Carly said, Stillwell rolled her eyes and Homelander grinned.

"Yeah, I knew she'd say something along those lines." Homelander chuckled, Carly was an amusing blood bag that's for sure. He knew one day he'd probably have to kill her, but for now he will let her live. Stillwell can't control every aspect of Homelander's decisions.

"Oh hell yeah, Homelander is cool." Allen agreed, Stillwell nodded to Jessica, who was standing idly off to the side, to turn the radio off.

"Let's ask some of our listeners what they think, we've got father of two, Joe here. Hey Joe, what do you think about the blue-"

"And that's a wrap for us today on, The Not So Super Superheroes segment, thanks to everyone for tuning in. Don't forget to say sassy and hate heroes." Carly harshly threw her headseat off her head as soon as the 'On Air' light flashed off.

"Geez, man, you got so angry." She snapped at Doctor Miles, sitting comfortably in the seat across from her.

"Look, I thought this show would have been a good platform to release such information."

"I'm a girl about facts, ask Allen." Allen scratched his matted beard and nodded his head, "You embarrassed me, doc, and I don't take that lightly." She stood up, grabbing her papers and then moved to leave the room. Allen followed, only for them both to be stopped at the door.

"Wait!" The Doctor scrambled to his feet with a sigh, "I will show you! I can show you!" No one could hear them on the other side, the room was fairly sound proof when nobody was on air. The other employees tidied up, went over takes and funny sounds to use in tomorrow's segment on the Deep and his fish friends.

"I thought you were fired." Allen's dull voice reminded, the Doctor nodded his head.

"I was, but I am sure they haven't changed my card access, yet. I can take you to one of their labs-"

"No, thanks dude, you're crazy," Allen answered, turning into Carly, who was still standing solid at the door. He narrowed his eyes at Carly's face, thoughtful, curious. "No, Carly."

"It wouldn't hurt, Allen. Besides, whether he's telling the truth or not, getting into one of Voughts labs, what a story that is."

"Yes, exactly," The doctor snorted nervously, "I can show you everything you want to see."

[jenni42085]

Nervous <Two>

Chapter 2

Chris and Lena pulled up to Marylea’s house. Despite being incredibly nervous about lunch with Chris, Lena was actually able to relax and let her guard down. 

“Sorry to keep you out late. But did you at least have a good time?”

“Honestly, yes. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to have an adult conversation without worry about little ears listening or having to stop every so often to make sure she is ok.”

“Well, I’m glad to give you a little break. I can’t imagine it’s easy doing it all alone.” 

Chris could only imagine all the stuff she has had to deal with on her own. It probably doesn’t help with having anxiety. But if she is able to have a good time maybe it will help easy her. 

“It’s not all that bad but I wouldn’t change the feeling for anything in the world. She is a good baby.”

“That’s good to hear. Can’t wait to meet her.” He replies. He doesn’t want to let her go but knows she spent most of her day on a plane and should have some bonding time with her bestie. “So tomorrow what are you doing?”

“Probably sleep. Why?”

“Well if Marylea is working all day. I can keep you company and do some cheesy sight seeing.”

Lena’s eyes grow slightly larger, she wasn’t expecting that. “Ummm. Sure.”

“I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to just figured we could continue to hang out and I have nothing on my schedule. It’s kind of boring to be home alone all day.”

Hearing his reason Lena slightly regrets her reply to an innocent question. “No, that sounds like a good idea. Just nothing too early. I have a feeling Marylea will wanna do some drinking so yeah. Might be slightly hungover.”

“Gotcha. Are you a party girl?”

“Maybe back in the day. Once I got married and had Eevee, that feeling kind of went away. You know?”

“Understandable. We all have those party animal moments right?”

“Exactly.”

The pair grew quiet thinking about how they both use to party hard but have grown up and stopped acting like children. 

“Can I have your phone to put my number in?” Lena smiles and hands her phone over to Chris. “So I’ll call or text around 10 ok?”

“Awesome sauce.” Without thinking Lena leans over gives Chris a quick hug and small peck on the cheek and runs inside before he could open the door for her. “Bye” she yells from the front door before walking inside.

What a woman, he thinks as he pulls off.

********************************************

“Well, well, well, look who finally decides to come home?” Marylea says as she gets up from the couch. “Were you guys making out?”

“Funny but no. We just had lunch at a small restaurant and talked. A lot.”

“Talked? That’s it. You went out on a date with Chris Evans and all you did was talk?”

Lena gives Marylea a look. “Yes. Just talking. Sorry that I didn’t bang him on the first date.”

“Just kidding. But it’s good to know you had a nice time.” Marylea replies as she opens up a bottle of wine. “So do you like him or like him like him?”

“He’s a nice guy.”

“You are avoiding the question.” Marylea hands Lena a glass of wine. “I’ll ask again when you are tipsy. I mean he isn’t my type but I’m not dead. He’s gorgeous.”

Lena takes a few sips of wine and kicks off her shoes, planting herself next to Marylea on the couch. “I don’t know if I like him like him. I honestly just met the guy.”

A few hours and drinks later. . .

“So he is sexy. But I doubt I’m his type.”

“Why would you say that? He legit picked you! Stop selling yourself short. You are worthy of happiness.”

“I feel like I already had my happiness with Ezra. I don’t know if I need or deserve someone else.”

Marylea looks at her friend like she is crazy. Lena had changed a little bit after meeting Ezra. Even though Lena would never admit it but he could be slightly verbally abuse and make Lena think no one else would ever want her. Hearing her best friend say that broke her heart. “You and I both know that isn’t true. You are worthy of all of it. Hence why I set you up with him.”

“You really think I’m worthy of Chris freaking Evans?” Marylea nods at her; Lena shrugs and picks up her phone. “Ok. Fine. I’ll text him then.”

“Wait, you’ve had his number this entire evening and didn’t tell me or anything?”

“My bad?” Lena gives her a tipsy smile. “What should I say?”

“What do you wanna say? And isn’t a little late?”

They both looked at the clock. 2:45 in the morning. It was a little late or early however you look at it but Lena has a look of determination. “I’ll just thank him for the lunch and I’ll see him tomorrow.”

“Boring but ok. When do you plan to see him again?”

“Tomorrow hopefully.”

“Oh really now.”

“He figured we could do something since you have to work.”

Marylea takes a shot of tequila and make a funny face. “Well isn’t that super sweet.”

“Hater.”

Marylea throws her hands up in the air. “Hey now. I wasn’t hating just saying that it was sweet. Especially considering you were just to do a few events with him.  Nothing more or less.”

“Ma’am I don’t think I like your tone or where you are gong with that comment.” 

Lena replies taking a shot of tequila.

“Just saying he might like you like you. With his PENIS!”

Lena looks shocked but happy at the possibilities. “Shut up!” She squeals as she throws a pillow at her friend, Marylea dodges the pillow and sticks her tongue out at Lena. “Do you think he might like me with his penis?” She asks in a humorous whisper.

“You never know if you don’t try to get to know him. Meaning don’t blow him off tomorrow.” Lena rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "I know he hasn’t been gone long but I highly doubt he wants you to be alone the rest of your life. Just give him and the whole experience a chance.”

“I know and I will try just makes me nervous. You know? Plus being out here with no clue what all they offer makes me feel like he is all in control of the situation. So it just makes me slightly tense.” Lena stretches out in the king size bed and starts to unwind.

Marylea props herself up on her elbows and looks at her friend who is slowly fading fast to Dreamland. “I’ll sign you up for some dance classes. I know it has been a while since we did one but we can try one out. Oh and don’t forget about the photo shoot I sat up with my friend.” She waits for a reply but sees her friend fast asleep with her cell phone in her hand.  She takes the phone out of her friend’s hand and sees that she hadn’t even hit send on the message to Chris.

 “Lena?” With no reply from Lena, Marylea decides to give Lena another little push in the right direction of happiness. She adds a few more lines to the text and hits send then, covers Lena and herself up with a blanket. Just like old times. She thought to herself, she has missed her friend and these moments that have helped them bond and grow. God please let them work out, I need her out here permanently. It’s been forever since she talked to God but figured at this point she could use all the help she can get.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

Chris wakes up at his usual time thanks to Dodger, he loves that dog and his ability to wake up at the same time every day no matter where they are. He lets Dodger out and does some stretches. While his cup of tea is brewing he looks at his phone and catches up on the news and gossip. When he glances at his messages he has a few from friends but one from an unknown number, before blocking the number he decides to read the message.

Thanks for lunch yesterday. Hope to see you again today. 💋

Seeing this message makes him smile a bit. Glad to know that he can still connect to females. He wants her to not only have a good time in California but wants her to enjoy her time with him. He knows it’s only been a day but he likes talking to her. It’s been so long since he has met someone so real and honest that it makes him want to keep her smiling and laughing. He sends her a quick reply then makes a quick call.

“Hey Marylea. Did I wake you?”

A sleepy Marylea answers on the first ring, “Hello? Chris? It’s not even 7am. What do you need?”

“Umm yeah everything is ok for the most part. I just wanted some intel on Lena. Like you know what kind of breakfast she might like or favorite flowers.”

The questions that were asked didn’t fully take Marylea by surprise. She was right when she told Lena Chris liked her. It’s good to see that he is moving so quick to make things go smoothly with her. “Do you like my best friend?”

A small pause happens because he isn’t fully sure how to answer the question. “I think she is a great girl so far. I might like her. I just want to know she likes me back.”

“Interesting… well for breakfast I already got her favorite bagels and cream cheese. But she does love daisies, so if you surprised her with those she would be ok. But you should look at some of her social media to get a better idea of what she likes and I don’t know continue to talk to her to get to know her.”

Chris chuckles at Marylea’s last comment. “I know. I talked to her a lot last night but, I just wanted to have my best foot forward and show her I think she’s pretty awesome. But anyways I’ll let you go. Is she still asleep?”

Marylea looks back at the king size bed to her bestie knocked out still. She doesn’t think she has gotten much sleep or at least a night without interruption since being the only one there for Eevee. “Yeah she is still a sleep. But Chris one more thing before you go.”

“What’s that?”

“If you hurt her, make her cry, or do anything other than make her smile I will promise to end you. She is my best friend and deserves only the best and that was why I volunteered her to escort you to a few gigs. Don’t lead her on, she doesn’t deserve that. Understand?”

“Loud and clear. I just want a friend or maybe more.”

“Ok. Good now I’ve gotta get finished dressing for work. I guess I’ll see you later.” She says cheerfully after changing her tone, “And one more thing. Hello Kitty.”

“Hello Kitty?”

“She adores anything and everything Hello Kitty. The rest of her obsession or ‘hobbies’ as she calls them you will have to figure them out. Buh bye.”

“Bye and thanks so much.”

Click.

With that Chris started googling flower shops that had daisies and starts looking at how to make today a great day for them both.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

Marylea knew she shouldn’t threatened him but at the same point she didn’t really care. Lena was honestly like the only real family she has even if they aren’t blood. She knows if it was the other way around Lena would have said that and more. But on a positive note Chris has a crush on her. She smiles and does a little happy dance as she grabs her keys and heads for the door.

“Marylea? Are you leaving?” Lena groggily asks as she lifts herself up from the comfortable bed.

“Yeah, I’m heading out. Bagels are in the fridge. Tylenol on the nightstand just is case you are hungover.”

“Aren’t you?”

“A little bit but I can get through it. I’ve gotta go but, have fun with Chris today.”

“Ugh! You had to remind me of that. I just wanna sleep.”

“Nope, you already agreed to today.  Maybe it will be an easy day but in a few days you have a photo shoot to do for Andre.” Marylea saw Lena’s eyes open up more when mentioning a photo shoot that she hadn’t told her about yet. With that pause she took that as a sign to leave. “We can discuss that tonight over dinner. Love you mean it.”

Lena falls back into bed and sighs. What have I gotten myself into? She then looks over to her phone:

Had a great time also. Text me when you wake up. Got some fun plans today. :)

Seeing that text made her smile a little bit. She can’t remember she woke up to a text from someone, probably not since her and Ezra were dating years ago. It was a small message but the act still made her smile.  She won’t admit to anyone including herself that she might have a small crush on him. Part of her feels like admitting that  means she doesn’t love Ezra anymore which isn’t the case but she knows he can’t come back. 301 days. She is hoping that as time goes on it will be better.

It’s only 7am she calls her parents to check up on Eevee while making herself breakfast. Her parents let her know that Eevee was doing just fine. She decides to shoot Chris a quick message and let him know that she would be ready in the next hour or so. 

With that she takes two Tylenols then heads to the shower. She realizes that she forgot to ask him how to dress so she figures jean shorts and a white tank top would work. She decides since her hair is still straight she would do her hair in space balls.

She hears the doorbell ring and looks at the clock. Wow he wasn’t joking about wanting to see me. Opening the door she is greeted with a huge bouquet of daisies. 

“Oh my! These are beautiful. How did you know these are my favorite?”

“A little bird told me.”

“Would this birdy happen to be my bestie?” She asked giving him a curious look with one eyebrow raised.

“I can neither confirm nor deny. . .”

“Fine be difficult. So what are the plans for the day?”

“Well I was thinking of going to a café.”

“A café?” She asks with a questioning look.

“You don’t like the idea?”

“Didn’t say that just hoping our full day won’t be spent at a café.”

“Ohh no never. I figured it would be a good way to start the day, then maybe hit a few shops up to find you something for the charity dinner.”

Charity dinner. Thinking of what is to come slightly makes her uncomfortable but, she knows she needs to do this. What’s the worse that can happen in all honesty? You have a great time, meet new people, have fun experiences, and maybe fall in love. LOVE. That seems slightly foreign to her. It has been 301 days since she has been in love. Maybe it has been enough time to at least play with the idea of finding a new love. She has hated going to sleep alone and waking up alone. “OK let’s go!”

The two get in Chris’ car and head down the interstate. Lena enjoys the warm breeze as they are cruising through the city. Chris admire her from the side as she is quietly taking in her new surroundings. He can’t help but think she is beautiful.  She doesn’t wear any makeup minus some chap stick but still manages to look amazing.

They finally arrived to a large bright pink RV as soon as they see it Lena’s eyes grow wide and she squeaks out, “Hello Kitty Café!? Oh. My God! I’ve always want to go to it but they never come to West Virginia or anywhere near me.” Lena hasn’t been this excited about anything for her in a while. “This is sooo amazing.”

“You are really excited about this. Aren’t you?” He replies with a chuckle as he puts the car in park. She’s out of the car before he shuts his door, she standing there bouncing up and down looking giddy with happiness. With out thinking he grabs her hand as the go to stand in line with the other patrons. Her body tensed at first when he grabbed her hand but he stroke her hand with his thumb and she quickly relaxed.

“I’m super excited! This is like totally awesome!” She gets slightly distracted by the menu of things to get.

In no time they are in the front of the line, Lena still hadn’t figured out what she wanted so Chris figured he would surprise her even more. “Good morning ladies, I called ahead and I believe you put stuff aside for me and my lovely date.” Hearing the label of ‘date’ made Lena blush slightly.

“Ohhhh it really is you! And yes, we put one of everything to the side like you asked. Can we have your autograph pretty please?” The perky clerk asked as she had another girl run to get the bag full of goodies. Chris nods as the girl and few others run over to him to get his picture. Lena politely walked off to the side so they could get his picture. “Can we have a picture of you and him together? You guys look so cute together. Plus you guys are matching.”

 Shocked by the fact neither had looked at the other’s clothes they realized they did in fact match. Both wore white tank tops and jean shirts with Converse, hers were Hello Kitty and his were solid black. They both had sunglasses on, the main difference was she didn’t have a hat on unlike him who is sporting his favorite NASA hat.

“Sure why not.” Lena shocked herself with how easily she replied at being ok with being photographed with him. I guess I need to start getting use to it. Chris pulls Lena closer to him and puts his arm around her waist while her hand lays on his chest.

 “Awww you guys look so cute! What’s your name? How long have you guys been going out?”

 Lena looks at Chris nervously praying that he will take the lead and answer questions. She isn’t sure what to say other than the truth so she hopes that when he answers it will set the tone of how things will always be for them.

 “This is Evangeline, and we this is our first official date. We just met through friends yesterday. Hate to cut this short, but I want to give her a great first date.” With that Chris grabs her hand once more as they head back to the car with four bags packed full of Hello Kitty merchandise.

 Beaming Lena gives him a bright smile as she pulls the plush Hello Kitty from the bag. “That was awesome! Thank you so much for this all! I can’t believe you got me one of everything.”

 “Well I looked at your Instagram and was trying to figure out what you did have but I figured this was easier. Are you happy with it?”

 “Most def am I happy about it all! Like look how cute this is”. She shows him the bow shaped water bottle and squeals. “So where to now? If there is a place that can really top of this awesomeness.”

 Chris chuckles and places his hand on her knee and gives it gentle squeeze. “This probably won’t be as awesome as the Hello Kitty cafe but it’s still pretty good.”

 Silently Lena gives him a confused look because she was curious as to what their next adventure would entail. They pulled up to a small bright blue building no words were on the building just large glass windows with mannequins with beautiful gowns on them.  “Where are we?”  She asks as he opens the door for her.

 “CHRISTOPHER!”  A small lady who resembles Edna from the Incredibles comes speed walking up to them with open arms. 

 “Edna!”  Chris greets her with the same warmth that she gives him.  “How are you?”

 “Ohh I’m good.  Same ole’ same ole’.  You know how it is.”  Edna stops when she realizes there is someone else with him.  “And WHO is this lovely lady?”  Edna takes a good look at the brown eye beauty. 

 Chris snakes his arm around Lena’s waist causing her to blush slightly.  “This is Lena.  We need a dress for tomorrow night.  Nothing to flashy but something  . . ..”  He trails off then looks down at Lena trying to sum up how he wants he to look.  “Beautiful.”

 Edna watches how the pair enacts with each other.  She isn’t sure if they are dating or not but they will be soon.  Generally, when Chris has a lady to take with to events they are family and the ones who aren’t have their own designer they would want rather than Edna.  Interesting. “Well hello.  What is your style?  Favorite color?  Are you opposed to heels?”

 “Hi.”  Lena says going to shake hands but Edna give her a hug with the same warmth she gave Chris.  “I’m not a glamour girl by any means.  I’m a mom.  So I guess boring girl next door.  I’m ok with a basic black gown, but not heels.”

 “I’d venture to say that you aren’t boring on any level.”  Edna says while Chris slyly nods his head.  “But here try this black gown on.”  Edna hands Lena a long black  plunging v-neckline and draped-knot waisted gown.  While Lena takes the gown and go to the dressing room; Edna goes into the back thinking she has the perfect dress for Lena. 

 Lena looks at herself in the gown before stepping out.  Wow I look basic and boring, but this is me now.  I guess.  “What do you guys think?  It’s a little loose but it works.”

 Chris and Edna look at each other giving each other the same look.  Chris knows how blunt Edna is so he opens his mouth to say something but Edna beats him to it.  “I don’t like it on you.”

 “Excuse me?”

 “I. Do. Not. Like. This. On. You.”

 Lena looks at herself in the huge mirror.  “Why not?  You made this; I thought I looked ok.”

 Chris intervenes before Edna would open her mouth again and possibly hurting Lena’s feelings.  “What she means is that it doesn’t flatter your figure.”

 She looks slightly defeated.  “Well what should I wear then?”  Tears threaten to fall down her face.  She refused to let them see her cry.

 He could see the difference in her body language. He hurt her. “It’s ok. We will find something better.” He grabs her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

 Edna watches them interact and realizes that she was a little bit too blunt with her reply.  “I didn’t mean to say I don’t like it on you, just that it doesn’t look like it is truly your character deep down.  Come sit.”  Lena joins Edna on the velvet blue couch, seeing that they are about to have a moment he walks outside to return some phone calls he has missed.  “Lets just be bluntly honest right now.  You don’t like it very much either.”  

Lena looks down cocking her her head to the side. “It’s not that I don’t like it. . . I just feel like I’m not really Hollywood material.  I don’t know what he or anyone wants of me.”

“Have you met Chris?  He isn’t Hollywood on any level.”

“I know but ...”

“No buts. He likes you. A lot. He might not have told you yet but he does.  You are beautiful and a mom but you can do both. Trust me with your dress ok?”

 “Ok. I’m going to trust, but what do you have in mind?”

“This.  Now go try it on before he comes back.  I want you to just be yourself and more importantly, love yourself.”

********************************************

“So let me get this straight. You didn’t want to take a family member to the charity dinner so you asked Jeff to find you someone. And now you are now ‘dating’ a random girl.”  Scott says. 

Chris runs his hands through his hair. “Wow you make me sound like a desperate asshole.”

“You said it not me.”

“Look it’s not like that, well not entirely. She was volunteered by Jeff’s assistant and I like spending time with her so far. I’d like to date her maybe. But...”

Scott cuts his brother off. “But what?”

“I don’t know if she likes me. Like she has been through some stuff. I don’t want to pressure her, even if I feel we would be great together.”

“Welp brother of mine. Give it time and do baby steps.  I mean if she let you hold her hand and such I think she is on board. Just baby steps.”

“Gotcha. Well I’m going to go inside and see what Edna has her in maybe something to really show her body off more.”

There was a pause. “You left her with Edna?”

“Yeah why?”

“Nothing just go back to see what she has her in.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Jimmy: you left your headphones here, mate Jimmy: got 'em in my pocket if you wanna collect Jimmy: wouldn't subject you to Cass' interrogation tactics Jimmy: better off buying new, rich girl Janis: yeah, realized when I went to start this run Janis: already in Twix's bad books so can't have that, like Janis: drop in and get 'em in a few Jimmy: 💔 on the rocks already you two? Jimmy: gutted Jimmy: stay for breakfast if you want Janis: Are now, like Janis: How to explain with a look that you can't take her out 'cos you tryna be 🤐 tragic misunderstanding Janis: [pic of protein shake thing] 👍 Jimmy: did try & let her know my dad was in the mood to do you for dogknapping but Jimmy: she ain't the sharpest pup at the park Jimmy: 👍 Janis: Rude Janis: she got plenty of potential Jimmy: where? Janis: 🙄 Janis: she got as much as you in her right paw, like, don't be rude Jimmy: says you as you're then snide to me 👌 Jimmy: you know my smoothies are 💣 & so my future is set Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: gotta stand up for my girl ain't I Jimmy: 💪 Jimmy: who took her out? she best remember that 🥇 Janis: didn't know you cared 💕 Janis: can handle the competition okay Jimmy: nah, you'll be 💔 when she's only got 😍 for me Jimmy: especially 'cause I don't care, double blow 🎻 Janis: Scandalous Janis: hitting her up with the screenshots as we speak Jimmy: no secret, babe Jimmy: go on Janis: Poor bitch Janis: #youdeservebetterhun Jimmy: shoulda fought the law, Juliet Jimmy: reckon you'd have gotten pretty far with her before the take down Janis: Appreciate the faith Janis: but as I didn't even make it out the door without being #exposed Janis: idk Jimmy: Just by the 🐶 though? Janis: Nah, your Dad had to share how full of the joys he was this AM, like Jimmy: sorry Janis: ain't your fault Janis: and no big Jimmy: I invited you & he's my dad so as much as it can be, it is Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: just accept the apology Janis: alright Janis: might wanna tell him i'm not a prozzie though, just look like one Jimmy: did he say that? Janis: No, nah, 'course not Janis: just 👀s Jimmy: then don't be a dickhead Jimmy: he knows you're my girlfriend Janis: just joking Jimmy: funny Janis: gotta laugh Jimmy: nah Jimmy: join me in misery Janis: that bad? Jimmy: just joking Janis: 👌 Jimmy: 👍 Janis: when you working 'til today Jimmy: 3 Jimmy: why? Janis: just working out when i can drop in to get my headphones Jimmy: I can give 'em to your sister Jimmy: she drops by at lunchtime like clockwork Janis: 😑 Janis: that would require talking to her Janis: for you and me Jimmy: I was reckoning more on a shove 'em at her & run Jimmy: gotta go on my break, soz gracie Janis: good 🍀 Janis: if she can read social cues at all she ignores them Jimmy: save me then, babe Jimmy: come yourself Janis: will do Janis: not lunchtime, obviously Janis: been summoned home anyway 🙄 Jimmy: you in the shit too? Jimmy: how #goals of us, Juliet Janis: truly Janis: it's only my dad, he ain't got no balls Jimmy: @ me in some shit to demonstrate our mutual pining like Jimmy: no way I'm allowed out until my dad's home at least Janis: figured Janis: least if you're effectively grounded no one waiting on that first date like Jimmy: he can't stop me taking the sibs & dog out but probably best if you don't show up too Janis: 👍 no problem Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: if you wanna keep it coupley, gonna have to be in work hours Janis: guess i got no excuse not to be there atm Janis: hmm Janis: i will show up at lunch, least we'll have a definite witness Janis: that'll keep 'em going Jimmy: they travel as a pack, we'll have 5 Jimmy: take some selfies, make a scene, go again. Easy, yeah? Janis: 🙄 such a fake bitch Jimmy: law of Leprechaun town Jimmy: got us in on it even Janis: least we're going for gold, what the fuck are you doing gracie Jimmy: least we know Mia's going for the throat Jimmy: god bless Janis: gonna have to go for yours Janis: don't take it personal Janis: no time for half-arsing it Jimmy: 💕 Janis: that's the #mood Jimmy: it'll piss my dad off too so sign me up Jimmy: more lasting you can make it, the better Janis: no amateur at either, babe Jimmy: 🥇 Jimmy: I remember Janis: Yeah? Janis: told ya Jimmy: you tell me a lot of things, Judith Jimmy: so chatty you Janis: 🖕 Janis: be off then Jimmy: alright Jimmy: 'til lunch my love Janis: 💘 Janis: you know the deal, have something not shit waiting for me Jimmy: I'm already there, baby 💕 Janis: 😏 dickhead Jimmy: do you want food or you just gonna snack on me like you're channeling a mia move? Janis: she's not inspiration or goals Janis: can't have her reckoning that, ever Jimmy: #thinspo Janis: 😂 Janis: get me a bacon sarnie to fuck her off Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: nowt sexy bout that but I'll 😍 best I can Janis: how rude Janis: what you want me to order, like u got anything phallic on the menu lads Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: you'll have a straw with your smoothie, it's fine Janis: I've been forced to endure many a teeny romcom, it's fine Janis: know what to do, boy Jimmy: weren't doubting Jimmy: easy for you anyway, what am I gonna do? lick out a coffee lid suggestively? nah Janis: please do Janis: need a good laugh Jimmy: piss off Janis: still think you're cute, don't worry baby Jimmy: yeah I know Janis: shut up Jimmy: save it for when you can make me Jimmy: the audience will love that Janis: yeah expecting applause Jimmy: I'll take the hit when Mia throws her iced coffee Jimmy: workers comp Janis: Love that for her, if only you didn't take your coffee like a basic bitch, might have the desired effect Jimmy: only gonna make me look hotter, girl so tah Janis: who isn't about a wet t-shirt moment Jimmy: she helps me out loads for someone who reckons they're a #hater Janis: save your thanks for the acceptance speech Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: not gonna thank her the way lads usually do Janis: #notliketherest is it? 😏 Jimmy: #standardsunliketherest Janis: If you say so Janis: me being your 'girlfriend' probably has 'em doubting that Jimmy: I had said it, loads Jimmy: Start listening, girl Jimmy: might stop you chatting shit for a sec Janis: Yeah yeah Janis: I heard ya Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: 🤷 Jimmy: the manager's here Jimmy: in a bit Janis: 👍 laters Jimmy: 😘 Janis: [After] Janis: [Headphone selfie] Tah Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [Selfie to show the general disheveled state of him after that glorious PDA] Jimmy: likewise Janis: 😳 Janis: worked though Jimmy: I didn't reckon Mia's voice could get this high Janis: Ha 😂 Janis: so pressed Jimmy: their debrief is the real show Jimmy: & you're missing it Janis: Gutted 💔 Janis: gimme the play by play Jimmy: nowt you ain't heard before I'm sure Jimmy: 🎻 & 🗡 Janis: usual then Janis: sure gracie will fill me in on how much of a bitch i am no worries 🙄 Jimmy: if she don't you didn't do enough Jimmy: you'll have to come back Janis: yeah? doubt that was her shout somehow 😏 Jimmy: let me know Janis: If you think I'm letting her dictate 'round 2 you got the wrong twin Jimmy: 💔 Janis: Yeah, be sure to tell her how gutted you are about that Janis: love to get it #confirmed Jimmy: you're alright Janis: can't say i didn't try Jimmy: nobody can Jimmy: not after that display Janis: too much? Jimmy: nah Jimmy: it was spot on Janis: 🥇 Janis: no need to come back then Jimmy: unless you wanna smack Mia Jimmy: I'd be down to see that Janis: Perv Janis: and 'course I do but her bones might legit crumble and I don't need to get sued by Daddy Jimmy: 💔 Janis: I know babe Jimmy: more gutted I can't accidentally dump this order on the lot of 'em anyway Janis: can't even be mad Janis: #thecouplethathatestogether Janis: I legit couldn't stick another second of them Jimmy: I know babe Jimmy: A lesser ego would think you were desperate to get away from me, but not this one Janis: Thank God you're you 💘 Janis: can't be dealing with stroking egos and destroying others in one Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: Love you too Janis: when will your dad forgive you/me enough Janis: wanna see twix, like Jimmy: He doesn't get back til 6.30 Jimmy: usually later Janis: so, between the hours of 6.30-6.30, she's all mine? Janis: well, share with the kids, not a total heartless cow Jimmy: yeah Janis: good to know Jimmy: not gonna stand in the way of #truelove am I? Janis: try it Jimmy: ain't got the energy today, darling Janis: 😏 Janis: oh colour me surprised Jimmy: you shouldn't be Jimmy: you know how I slept Janis: i know Janis: he was alright though once you went in with him yeah Jimmy: after a bit Janis: 👍 good stuff Janis: consolation i didn't sleep all that good either Jimmy: like I said, join me in misery Jimmy: you should drink coffee Janis: why are you trying to ruin me Jimmy: says the girl trying to kill me by any means she can Janis: You asked for it Jimmy: 😱 Jimmy: # something relevant for me 'bout that Janis: not blaming or shaming Janis: but you can't fool me, babe Janis: #youwantit Jimmy: #busted Jimmy: 😍💕 Janis: didn't know you were arty Janis: btw Jimmy: why would you? Janis: idk, feel like i shoulda guessed Janis: #softboi Jimmy: piss off Janis: you're pretty good Jimmy: now really piss off Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: 😑 Janis: 'scuse me Janis: giving you a compliment Jimmy: save it for when you can gimme one that matters Jimmy: just doing my bit Janis: Fussy Jimmy: what? Janis: My compliment not good enough 😜 Jimmy: gimme a better one then Jimmy: 'cause that's bollocks Jimmy: it's just a doodle not even that #goals Janis: can say my standards ain't high as yours then Janis: whatever, boy Jimmy: give & you take 💔 Janis: You're prettier than you've drawn yourself Janis: happy? Jimmy: you're prettier than I've drawn you Jimmy: shit artist Janis: ugh stop Janis: 🥊 Jimmy: take the compliment, dickhead Janis: you first Jimmy: 👌 Janis: Cute Jimmy: tell me something I don't know, Jennifer Janis: Alright Janis: I wish I could come back Jimmy: why can't you? Janis: Lots of reasons Janis: they're still there, for one Jimmy: that's a point in the 'why you should' column Jimmy: don't leave me with 'em Janis: poor baby Janis: but I don't know if I can chill Jimmy: we don't chill Jimmy: so fine Janis: you gotta work Jimmy: I'm on the clock with you putting in those fake boyfriend hours Janis: but Jimmy: what? Janis: I want you Jimmy: then come back Janis: it's okay yeah Jimmy: we got interrupted last night, it's only fair we get to make up the time now Janis: it's so hard just kissing you and walking away now Jimmy: I'll be done here in a bit Jimmy: we can leave together Janis: alright Janis: they better not say shit, actually not in the mood Jimmy: I'll fake sick & you can meet me outside? Jimmy: hangover's believable Janis: where we gonna go? Jimmy: I don't know Janis: Come back to mine Jimmy: ain't there 100s of you? Janis: Yeah but rich bitch no Janis: there's places, don't worry Jimmy: alright Jimmy: but if we get interrupted again I'm fake dumping you Janis: we won't Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: where are you now? I can meet you there depending Janis: Gym Janis: had to distract myself somehow Jimmy: like I said, trying to kill ME constantly Jimmy: you're welcome for the headphones then Janis: Like I said, gotta make sure you feel it too Jimmy: you're wearing those clothes again, aren't you? Jimmy: I'll pass the news on to Mia before I go Janis: What else was I gonna wear, like Janis: sure she'll be thrilled Janis: fill in the blanks yourself though, babes Jimmy: a ballgown for all I know Jimmy: not set foot inside a gym Janis: don't let on Janis: so not #goals Janis: who they gonna take #gymselfies with Jimmy: you Jimmy: I'm ken to your barbie, Julie, basically surplus Janis: Please, I actually workout when I'm there, not stare at boys whilst also making sure I look #fit at all times pracing on the treadmill Jimmy: I know Jimmy: I can tell Janis: so 💪 Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: you're really fit Janis: shh Jimmy: I get it, you don't wanna talk Jimmy: I'm leaving, don't worry Janis: Good Janis: I'm done with waiting and interruptions and other people Jimmy: where am I going? Jimmy: realised I don't know where you live Janis: Ugh, middle of bloody nowhere literally Janis: Easier if you dare to step in the gym and I'll come with Jimmy: could've sent a car for me, rich girl, or a 🐎 Jimmy: but alright Janis: 🙄 we don't have horses, thank God Janis: there is a donkey if you wanna be that dickhead, very Blackpool, init? right at home Janis: [gym location] literally, down the road and do a left, you'll see all the wankers in the window benches posing Jimmy: swap you for the dog, just kick them cats out & you'll be right Jimmy: gimme a sec Janis: give you 5 mins, even as a 🚬 Jimmy: tah 💕 Jimmy: that's love Janis: it's something Janis: show you when you get here Jimmy: not what I want you to show me Jimmy: but I guess Jimmy: I'll survive Janis: what do you want? Jimmy: last night didn't help you figure it out? Janis: Got some ideas Jimmy: you'll get more Jimmy: just wait 'til I get there Janis: Inspiring Janis: thought I was meant to be the #muse Jimmy: you reckon we're a team Jimmy: I remember you saying Janis: I remember lots of things you said Janis: and everything you didn't Jimmy: won't have to repeat myself then, will I? Janis: I won't be mad if you have to repeat some things Janis: just saying Jimmy: you can do some of the exact same things too, if you want Janis: I intend to Janis: and more, better Janis: had plenty of time to think now Jimmy: just how far away is your house? I need to catch up Janis: Glad you said it 😏 Janis: like 15 on the bus 🙄 but I can tell you all about it then Janis: if I whisper, like Jimmy: 🤞 our fave grandma is there Janis: 😂 Janis: down to give her a reason to really hate Jimmy: are you even goals 'til you turn a hater into a fan? Jimmy: don't think so Janis: ew don't be tryna turn old ladies on Janis: omg, are you your ex Janis: tryna let me down gently Jimmy: there never was an ex #plot twist Jimmy: Barry is my true love Janis: damn Janis: i don't need you to be my true love though barry it's alright Jimmy: stashed the baby in the back of the CG it's why I take such long breaks Jimmy: don't even 🚬 Janis: suspiciously good with kids Janis: damn wait 'til they find out the real #tea Jimmy: 😂 Janis: imma look a fool but i hope barry isn't cheating on you, hearing that cry for help now, babe, soz 💔 Jimmy: channel it into my art, don't I? 🎻🎨 Janis: you did a good job not making me look like an old man Janis: hard to resist, I'm sure Jimmy: shoulda seen my first draft Janis: 😂 Jimmy: you do look better than I can draw you though, for real Jimmy: it ain't my preferred method or whatever Janis: yeah? Jimmy: bit rude if you don't know what is 'cause you've been spending loads of time posing for it Jimmy: means I'm shit at that too Janis: huh, no Janis: that makes perfect sense Janis: you do take a good snap Janis: also why they all thirsting, casual personal photographer 🙄 oh ladies Janis: not that you ain't fit too but you know Jimmy: we all know what the real attraction is Jimmy: keep getting more #goals me Jimmy: shame I had to be in 'em or I could've taught Mia about angles and improved her story even more Jimmy: you fucked up there, mate Jimmy: should've gone with Pete and let me film it Janis: full package, babe Janis: didn't feel like a shame, trust me Janis: though your desire to make money outta me making more and more sense #starvingartist Janis: you're the one that'll have to edit out his cum face Jimmy: hang on, you can let me know what this feels like Jimmy: [dramatic gym kiss hello] Janis: Well Jimmy: unconvincing Jimmy: [kisses her again because] Janis: Jimmy Janis: if you don't stop I'll have to start something right here Jimmy: nowt you've just said is making me want to Janis: I know Janis: Why do I want you this bad, fuck Jimmy: 💔 why wouldn't you, dickhead Janis: Shh it ain't personal Jimmy: what is it then? Jimmy: you said me Janis: I meant Janis: I don't know, this ain't exactly what I do everyday Jimmy: it should be Jimmy: you're good at it Janis: you Jimmy: us maybe Jimmy: it works Janis: Yeah Janis: that's what I mean, I think Janis: it's weird but it just does Janis: really good Jimmy: Like I said, you're weird Jimmy: 'course you like it Janis: why am i weird Jimmy: 'cause you're just Jimmy: different Jimmy: from them, from what I thought you were Jimmy: I don't know Janis: i cannot believe you thought i was one of them Janis: 😂 in what world Jimmy: not your sister, the collective them of this whole town Jimmy: you're just more like someone from before Jimmy: I can't explain it alright, shut up Janis: It's alright Janis: [Kisses him] Jimmy: we gotta go Jimmy: I can't stay here doing this and not Jimmy: I can't even finish the sentence 'cause you're like Jimmy: we just need to leave Janis: Me too Janis: Come on Janis: we just need to Janis: yeah Jimmy: yeah Janis: [On bus 'cos they can't keep kissing the entire time without anything happening so reprieve] Janis: I didn't think this would happen Jimmy: why? Janis: well, you know,you were kinda a dickhead, i'm kinda a dickhead all the time Janis: this wasn't the first logical conclusion to jump to Jimmy: sort of is Jimmy: we're both dickheads Jimmy: #matchmadeinheaven Janis: 😏 when you put it in words it sounds logical Janis: grace reckoned you were using me to get to her and i knew that weren't the truth but idk Jimmy: I know what it is, you reckoned I'd be a shit kisser all big ego & worse chat Jimmy: thought you'd have to suffer through it Janis: pretty much Janis: spot on Jimmy: not the first time I've made that impression Jimmy: or proved it wrong Janis: i bet Janis: wouldn't be the first time i'd suffered through so you know Jimmy: really? Janis: 'course Janis: hasn't everyone? Jimmy: gimme names I'll put them on blast Jimmy: twitter campaign with my newly unlocked account Janis: ��� productive Jimmy: if one is Mia especially Janis: Christ, as much as she wants to turn me so she can be vindicated in her gaybashing Janis: hell no Jimmy: her teeth could fall out & choke you Jimmy: #goals Janis: 🤢 Janis: she can't be a good lay, I don't get it Jimmy: she isn't, I can tell Jimmy: just an effortless catch Janis: yeah? guess if you ain't yourself, ideal girl Jimmy: she'll be one of those girls who just lies there Jimmy: makes you do everything & then slates you for it Janis: exactly, 'cos heaven forbid you try and chat shit back Jimmy: why is your sister friends with her? I don't get that Janis: bitches of a feather Jimmy: but when she comes in on her own she's like Jimmy: shy Jimmy: nice in a 'don't you dare look at me' way Janis: meh, she's a co-dependent Janis: always has been Jimmy: is that like a twin thing? Janis: fuck off, I don't need her Janis: see me with a Mia to chase around like a puppy? Jimmy: nah, I mean like, she needs you but you don't need her so there's Mia ready Janis: idk, maybe Janis: i think anyone can be like that, some people can't hack being alone but it probably done help that she weren't even in the womb, yeah 🙄 Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: my brother & sister need me Jimmy: it's exhausting but I can't not do it Janis: they are kids though, that's excusable, like Janis: still hardwork, no doubt Jimmy: Cass ain't much younger than me though Janis: yeah but gracie has two perfectly lovely parents and an array of brothers and sisters and various fam about, if she's that arsed, know what i mean Janis: being close makes sense when its small like you gotta Janis: she don't need to be how she is on me Jimmy: I'm being a dickhead & you're being spot on Jimmy: I just want her to settle in, you know what I mean Janis: you're alright, most people think it 'cos loads of twins are freaky joined at the hip, so that's what she reckons she wants too but tough shit, you know, didn't ask to be born with her Janis: 'course Janis: it must be shit Janis: she'll be alright, it's that age where everyone's sorta stil mates, not dead separate Janis: she can hold her own Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: least my dad timed it better for them than he did for me Janis: you know Janis: parents are cunts Janis: our older sister had to do so much for us 'til she got sick of and fucked off basically Jimmy: hang on while I tweet that wisdom & @ him Jimmy: yeah he has twitter honestly Janis: cringe Janis: probs subtweeting 'bout me this morning like 👋 Jimmy: I don't reckon he knows what he's doing on it Jimmy: just wants to tell his girlfriends how relevant he stays Janis: can't really slide into someone's fucking linked in Janis: 'less it's with a business offer Jimmy: he does like to mix business and pleasure Jimmy: many an office romance Janis: 😬 Janis: always a good idea Jimmy: I told you, keeps jobs only slightly longer than he does lasses Jimmy: it's all connected, mate Janis: effort Janis: least i can ask to move seats Janis: can't be like, sack debbie from accounts bye Jimmy: don't be trying to have me expelled when school starts Janis: alright, thought you'd be buzzin' but i'll go Janis: cba Jimmy: I wanna go 'cause its bollocks not 'cause they've told me to Jimmy: more of a fuck you to my dad that way Janis: rebel with a cause okay 😍 Jimmy: I'm just saying he'd love it if I got kicked out so he can pretend he's right about what a waste of space I am Jimmy: like I don't do everything he can't be bothered to Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: seriously though Janis: that's just shitty adult speak for 'do my job for me' Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: I keep telling him that I reckon Bobby needs to like talk to someone or some shit but nah, I'll do the work for free Jimmy: qualified fucking child therapist me Janis: duh, got that PHD done between CG and school and full-time childcare Janis: 'cos when nothing happens, or only bad does, can blame you Janis: not deal with how some of it's likely on him Janis: and sorting it fully is, what can you do, or poor Bobby Jimmy: just worry bout him all the time 👍 Jimmy: tah dad really helpful Janis: useless, all parents are Jimmy: didn't wanna sleep in my own bed or get a decent night of it anyway Jimmy: it's fine Janis: but if you complain, you're selfish, yeah? when it ain't complaining for sake of, you just want something actually done Jimmy: 🙄 Jimmy: & fucked if I wanna stay with you or have you over Jimmy: how dare I Janis: how wild, a teenage boy with urges Janis: right for him though 'cos his roof and all that Jimmy: & new house new rules Jimmy: 'cause that makes sense Janis: 🙄 Janis: only stupid people would have kids, that's my theory Janis: if you had a brain, and could be sorta in change of another human, you wouldn't want to Jimmy: @ Barry next time, babe Janis: fuck you Barry, coming for your mans too and what Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: how do you do that? Jimmy: make me laugh when everything is still shit Janis: Just my renowned personality that Janis: everyone reckons, like 😏 Jimmy: [kisses her 'cause he does reckon, sorry bus peeps] Janis: Welcome Jimmy: when I don't say it that means you don't either, dickhead Janis: soz, new to this friends malarkey, like Jimmy: #friendzoned Jimmy: 💔 Janis: shut up Janis: you need reminding of what we're about to do Jimmy: maybe Jimmy: I do need to shut up & stop throwing my emotional baggage at you, very ungoals Janis: [Kisses him for the reminder and 'cos] Janis: Not to shut you up 'cos nah Jimmy: a bit Jimmy: but its alright Janis: got plenty of baggage to throw at you should you ever wanna even that score Janis: but I ain't telling so far as the world is concerned we're both 🥇 Jimmy: It's like I said last night, I don't mind talking to you but not this second Jimmy: I just want Janis: What? Jimmy: just kiss me again Janis: [More] Jimmy: I'm not saying tah Jimmy: 👌 Janis: 😏 Janis: Glad to hear that ain't what you say after Janis: would have been a struggle to act my way over that Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: what was it you said? Very polite very un me Janis: Something like that Jimmy: I'll try & call you by the right name though Jimmy: not let any Barry's slip out Janis: 😑 please try Janis: no convincing myself I heard you wrong Janis: ego can't hack that, like 🤷 Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: 🖕 Janis: could at least give me false promises now, boy Jimmy: no fake shit Jimmy: not for this Janis: deal Jimmy: [kisses her again cos yolo bitches] Janis: that was real? Janis: shit Jimmy: or how we make deals in the north, Irish girl Jimmy: figure it out Janis: 😏 as amusing as the mental image of business bro dickheads getting off with each other literal to seal a deal is Jimmy: you're welcome Jimmy: just don't think about my dad or we've got a problem Janis: no danger Janis: safe to say the feeling's mutual too Jimmy: least you'll be long rid of me before I start to look like him Jimmy: again, welcome Janis: 👍 Janis: baz can have you back Jimmy: he'll be dead Jimmy: come on Jimmy: life expectancy of 61 up north & that's if you try Janis: 😂 whoops Janis: pine then bitch Jimmy: 💔🎻 Jimmy: black's my colour anyway so sorted Janis: mhmm, buzzin' for it, I know Janis: welcome again Janis: i really fucked your neck up didn't i [touches] Jimmy: I okayed it before & during, didn't I? Janis: okayed during is an understatement but i'll allow it Janis: save your blushes Jimmy: I didn't have the blood spare for 😳 Janis: such a waste Janis: all the times you've turned me on in public Jimmy: how many? you can round up or whatever school ain't started Janis: Let me think Janis: I don't know, every time we've met up, before you've even kissed me half the time Janis: sometimes just when we've been talking like this, you're hot Jimmy: Where are we if we stop the bus and get off right now? Jimmy: 'Cause I really want to properly turn you on now you've said that Janis: Umm no neighbourhood I know, babe Janis: we've got all afternoon Janis: patience 😘 Jimmy: I'm too northern for that Janis: Excuse for everything 😏 Jimmy: if I'm gonna be dead in 40 odd years that's the only excuse I need Janis: Cheery 😉 Janis: go on then Janis: don't waste any more time, see how turned on I am now [moves hands winkwonk] Jimmy: [saucy activities ensue like I'm surprised ruster don't appear like don't steal our thunder bitch] Janis: Jimmy Jimmy: ?? Janis: just practicing Janis: can't say it out loud right now Jimmy: practicing trying to kill me, yeah? alright Janis: you don't need no practice, clearly Jimmy: #muse remember Janis: you're good let's do this all day Jimmy: challenge accepted Jimmy: if I get cramp and can't sling a latte tomorrow, on your head Janis: what do i care, i don't drink 'em Janis: 😈 Jimmy: that's the most #goals thing you've ever said to me Jimmy: as far as my personal ones go Janis: the ones we're keeping off the 'gram Jimmy: yeah Janis: do need to think of a non-cringe way to hype up how good you are though, don't get it twisted ladies 😍 Jimmy: while you're thinking Jimmy: [keeps being a saucy bastard cos no chill] Janis: Oh my God Janis: please, I need to bite you some more Jimmy: shit, I've never heard you say please before Jimmy: real or fake Janis: too real, you got me polite as you want, come on or this bus is gonna hear my prettiest too Jimmy: 😍 Jimmy: alright Janis: you taste so Jimmy: if its anything like how you taste then I Janis: i wish we had more time i just wanna climb on top of you and Janis: but we're about 3 stops away now Jimmy: [moves her himself 'cause he's cheeky like that] Jimmy: and what? Janis: fuck me Janis: we're gonna get in trouble Jimmy: that's the plan Jimmy: I'll get in trouble for you, it don't matter Jimmy: if anyone asks I'll just say it's all fake Janis: you feel pretty real under me right now Jimmy: you feel Jimmy: I thought I liked kissing you but this is Janis: I want it all Janis: so fucking much I didn't know I could this bad Jimmy: like you said, we've got all afternoon Janis: not long enough Janis: it's a start Jimmy: warn me if you're gonna say shit like that so I can warn everyone on this bus how I'll react Janis: Not sorry Janis: only sorry it's not School time so we could bunk and have all day without feeling bad Jimmy: excuse me while I turn it into a laugh/cry 🎭 Jimmy: don't mind me everyone, rehearsing my death scene Janis: They're all impressed, can't hide it Janis: 🥇 Jimmy: impressed by you Jimmy: you look Janis: Nah only you Jimmy: take the compliment, Janis Janis: Okay Janis: as you remembered my name, like Jimmy: I said I'd try Janis: I'm impressed by your efforts too, don't worry Janis: not gonna go unrewarded Jimmy: [kisses just because] Janis: How do you do that Jimmy: what? Janis: make kissing Janis: good Jimmy: I told you, you're good at it Jimmy: I take pretend it's all me Jimmy: can't* Janis: Suppose so Janis: doesn't say much for everyone else I've kissed but maybe I was shit then Jimmy: like I said, gimme the list Jimmy: they must've been fucking it up 'cause you're Jimmy: you're just not shit Janis: thanks Janis: sorry everyone but not really, ain't that deep Jimmy: were you really surprised when we first kissed or just me Janis: No, I was like Janis: you're gonna think I'm cringe or just saying it but I didn't know it could feel like that Janis: that's why it's got me thinking on everyone else, like what the fuck lads, why were you holding out Jimmy: I get it, I didn't expect it to feel like this either Jimmy: fuck you, Barry, honestly Janis: 😂 Janis: For real Janis: like, it wasn't even 'cos I thought you'd be shit really Janis: idk Janis: weird Jimmy: I didn't think you'd be shit Jimmy: for the record Jimmy: just not into it Janis: 🤷 Oops Janis: that's what I expected and intended too, I guess, just a deal, like Janis: but Janis: just feels too good Jimmy: We've still got a deal Jimmy: only it's changed a bit Jimmy: now it includes getting to finish what I started without some dickhead interrupting me Janis: Please Jimmy: [kisses her 'cause she said please again it makes him die] Janis: [Misses stop 'cos really, has to get off at next one] Janis: That was your fault Jimmy: yours too Jimmy: I don't know the stops, girl Jimmy: you've got one job, I was doing mine Janis: Hmm well perhaps if yours wasn't distracting me you could be doing your REAL job by now 😒 Jimmy: if that's what you wanna call how you felt, go on Janis: Hush, you cannot break my concentration now Jimmy: where the fuck are we? Janis: Farm town, boyo Janis: you ever fucked in a barn before? Jimmy: how would I? Jimmy: you know where I'm from Janis: idk how adventurous your life has been Jimmy: it ain't been well travelled Jimmy: til now Janis: you're welcome for the detour Jimmy: how long 'til we're back where we need to be? Janis: Only 5 if you keep up Janis: wasn't THAT distracted, soz Jimmy: let me get some blood circulating and stop being brutal Janis: 😏 Jimmy: 👍 lets go Janis: Do your best to sneak, yeah, God knows who's about Jimmy: easy for you to say, still so quiet on that bus somehow Jimmy: like a horny mute Janis: piss off Janis: that's such an unsexy thing to call me you bastard Jimmy: calm down Jimmy: it's impressive Janis: it's just self-control Jimmy: what's it gonna take to make you lose it? Janis: Maybe you'll find out Jimmy: I will Jimmy: challenge accepted Jimmy: if it takes me longer than this afternoon, then fine Janis: you wanna do this again Janis: not this exact scenario, detour included like Jimmy: do you? Janis: you always do that Janis: answer questions with questions Janis: sly Jimmy: that still ain't an answer from you Janis: yeah Janis: i wanna Janis: i like it Jimmy: I like you Jimmy: don't be weird about it Jimmy: weirder Janis: forever a dickhead Jimmy: piss off it's a compliment, how many times Janis: 😂 okay okay Janis: i get it, you like weird Janis: i like dickheads, namely you though Jimmy: bet you love yourself, you massive dickhead Jimmy: I like you & you happen to be weird, it's not a fetish or owt Janis: do actually 💪 Janis: got my own name tattooed on my arse, like Jimmy: 📷 one for the insta then Jimmy: least it'll help me remember it Janis: That's why I got it Janis: saves a conversation Jimmy: stop making me laugh Jimmy: trying to be mad at you for making us miss our stop Janis: you know you can't be mad at this face Janis: or this arse Jimmy: [kisses her and touches the booty 'cause true] Janis: See Janis: 😍 Jimmy: alright, shut up Janis: can make me in a minute Jimmy: I can make you now Jimmy: if you're gonna keep on Janis: Back to being mute Janis: thought you wanted to hear some noise, contrary Jimmy: leave it out Janis: 🤐 Janis: ❓ Jimmy: [starts being saucy to try and get her to make noise] Janis: You know how much I like to win, yeah? Jimmy: as much as me Janis: Oh baby Janis: you wish 😏 Jimmy: I know Jimmy: [cranks his naughty behaviour up a notch which makes me lol like where even are you lads? calm down] Janis: You know I have to live 'round here, right Jimmy: you do, I don't Jimmy: you know how to make me stop Janis: Bastard Jimmy: just stop holding it in Janis: I don't know if I'll be able to stop if I do Jimmy: I don't want you to stop Jimmy: do you? Janis: No but Jimmy: you want everything, gimme this Jimmy: [more sauciness 'cause] Janis: [is loud, hopefully no one is about lol] Jimmy: Fuck Jimmy: you really were holding out on me, weren't you? Janis: It's just Janis: embarrassing Jimmy: It's just amazing Janis: No bullshitting? Jimmy: I said I wouldn't Janis: Okay good Jimmy: You're so hot Jimmy: how you look, feel, taste, sound Jimmy: I just want it Janis: You're Janis: I don't know why but I'm not gonna question it because I want you just as much Janis: More Jimmy: [more kisses] Janis: We need to keep walking Jimmy: yeah Janis: I don't want to either but I need you to fuck me so Jimmy: It's alright, I need it too Jimmy: we can do this Janis: 💪 Jimmy: 🥇

[adultswim2021]

Tom Goes to the Mayor #4: “Rats Off to Ya!” | December 19, 2004 – 11:30PM | S01E05

Weird guy Tom Peters shows up to the Mayor to seek approval for a kiosk at the mall to sell his RATS OFF TO YA!” t-shirts (pictured above). His idea is immediately stolen and becomes a runaway success. He has almost no recourse as every avenue for justice winds up getting shut down in his face. Eventually he has to sell his boat so he can afford to buy the rip-off RATS OFF TO YA merchandise for his family. But then... he suddenly realizes that Christmas isn’t about making money; or at least specifically not about HIM making money. And he takes solace in the fact that his idea has made people happy. “Now this is what Christmas is all about” Tom says, with a grimace while a single tear rolls down his face.

So far nothing has topped the first episode of Tom, but this one I really like. This one features Jeff Garlin as the villainous owner of JESTERS, the shop owner that sells “bongs, dongs, and clever hats”. He’s great, and as noted by the DVD commentary track he’s like a more grounded version of XYNX from the “Pioneer Island” episode. I guess because they are both great big fat guys.

This has one of my favorite bits in Tom history, where the Mayor protests the fact that he has to go play Santa for the mall, but then he cheesily whispers to Tom that he secretly loves it. Just a wonderfully stupid episode all around. Make it a tradition this Christmas, won’t you?

NOTE: The actual shirt in the episode was sold on Tim & Eric’s website as merch. I don’t think I ever owned it myself, but I think my wife has it somewhere. At any rate, it’s available here, and appears to be legit?

MAIL BAG

Don't let the haters scare you. If you can find room your heart for early era Family Guy still you'll get a few laughs out of the Chicken. Seth Green might wade too into nerd comedy on the show but he's good for a few. He practically grew up in it what with austin powers and seth by his side. Pretty freakin' cool if you ask me.

I have seen enough Robot Chicken to know I already hate it. How dare you suggest that I might like it and enjoy myself. FUCK you.

I remember that Chapo Trap House guy also got in trouble for fucking teens. Morality aside, I just don't get why these older guys are fucking teens so much. I guess it's something to do with having control over them but honestly teens today are really annoying stupid, and obsessed with apps  Can't even play a game of Connect 4 without pissing you off. Why anyone would want that? Just find an emotionally unstable adult women to gaslight to your will, there is plenty of them. Just my 2 cents. Bye!

Yeah I don’t even want to have a conversation with a teen. I think I might’ve said this elsewhere but the whole teen fetishisation thing is so permeated in our culture that I remember when I was in like 13 I had a crush on a fellow 13 year-old girl and I thought to myself, pervily, “I like ‘em young”, and in fact thought that growing older was going to mean that I had to pretend that 13 year old girls weren’t the hottest possible girl when they clearly were. This luckily turned out to not be the case. The only hottest age is 19 years old. It’s legal, and yet still convincingly enough in some sort of “danger zone” for it to be a pervy turn on. And, hopefully, she’s broken up with her high school boyfriend by then.

[harleyquinnbluemoonlove]

The OG BROY Didn’t like being told No by me. See loyalty you allowed them people in DC to try to kill me at Chris Party then tried to kick me out. Play my role. I am pretty good at it. I am annoyed hungry and very Petty. Yeah I’m on some TJ shit some three six mafia shit. Bc that my damn Gs now I’ve the hearts and minds of the world and before I die today bc I’m starved out bc I DESERVE it? I did do this. I did not create the TRIO. Clues — movies stupid movies that got a Shadow Cast at the opening in 1975 right here in Memphis at the Evergreen Theatre. And our last party was after I got robbed at the store in MS on Goodman Road by trainees 2 weeks after i put $35 gas in Mane Manes wrecked car at 3:45 AM. He had change and it wasn’t enough he was scared to death nearly crying so I swiped my debit card and filled up his tank. Some folks in AR are legit Some are dumb like John and he Carolyn tattoo on his neck. Can we JFK Jr and Carolyn Helicopter Crash. And buried at Sea while I worked in protocol and my counterpart was a rainbow hat lol and Jack Nicholson’s nephew also worked in AF protocol. I like originals like General Ryan. The real C R B T G etc it takes 2 to make a thing go right that’s where you are wrong. And why wear a mask when I wear skin, human skin The real playas know what I’m talking about and the rest you cannot handle the truth! That’s from a movie that I like is features Maverick and Goose. We like making a comic book character come alive instead of reading about it. Bipolar Schizo? No ya know Einstein created beer and split the atom or Adam and apple is 1st sin 1st computer It’s McIntosh and it is a Texas thing very very Tx it cooper as well and a lot of Brads2 dougs the hangover watch it who d enemy in that movie ? Little China Man another great movie Big Trouble In Little China and y’all don’t like her. She’s fabulous. I am her. Carrie Dunford daddy is Judge Thorne District 3 Circuit Court Judge in the majority of Arkansas. I like Judy Judy Judge Joe Brown. I like KCCO Chive. First Rap Song No sleep til Brooklyn and after me and Stan jumped out of the attic window in the house that Mexicans bought and painted a funky color. My cuz Zach and pats daughter were in that car or truck that wrecked by the Mendoza drunk man next to Connie Gill 4698 Lawrence Ave it’s to the right of the house. A curse a blessing but you could have killed them in 98 and one cuz is was a detective for MPD married to a Nurse. Another cuz was CSI Forensics he picked up Zachs body in 2013. And I lost 3 people in a 7 day period. Bobby Lumpkin Zach Price and Angela’s second baby. Barry went off on me the other said my life is at stake nah yours is you married her. She fucks anyone to include family did her momma wrong. Her momma died of throat cancer never smoked a day in her life. Carl also throat cancer. Me Katie Skye all have blood cancers. Stan has bone cancer and I have bone marrow failure. It’s crazy Robbin Hood Prince of Thieves. I like the story about The Working Girl I like that one. I really enjoy a good old horror movie and I prefer really scary. Really fucked up. Self made millionaires bc they know the struggle and the value of a dollar. I’ve been listening white rappers since day 1 and then I got introduced to the good shit right here. I like old school and Grown Men and this is for Britney and Carrie Underwood and the savage women are not threatened by me nope bc they are fine as fuck too. They sometimes get the ring. I am the one who will tell I will buy my own ring. But now I want it I earned it. Any form. Any fashion I don’t care. I need food vitamins and some D. Clean clean for real take a shower and then sluts to shut up color in the lines stay in their lanes bc I help my haters adjust to HQ level. See you cannot op in DC is you basic or baseline. I’m play the outer field in softball. I can run with them boys proven fact bc I don’t quit. And I don’t fail. Perfect practice makes perfect results. No failures no falter no days off yeah maybe a pain pill sometimes bc I’ve carried the weight of the world on my shoulde

[stonersandboners]

January 11, 2017

What I learned: Today in physics, I learned about Coulomb's Law: F=(k)(Q1xQ2)/r^2. It determines the force between 2 charged particles given the charge of each particle and the distance between them. I also learned about E-fields. E=F/q. I can hear all my haters chanting "NERRRRRD" at me rn. Well fuck off. Tbh I had no idea what was going on in class. Our prof, Dr. DeLap, is kinda all over the place. Fun fact: he prefers that we call him Dr. D. Sounds like a porn star name. In immunology, we learned about the various cell types of the immune system, both innate and adaptive. There's this kid who sits next to me, John, who is literally a know-it-all. Legit, he's a genius. I respect him. But at the same time I want him to shut up. To do so, I must outsmart him. Which I will. Don't believe me just watch. *queue Bruno Mars* This one is pretty dry, sorry. My girlfriend is keeping her cat here though! That's fun. She's pretty cute. The kitty is cute as well 😉. K. Goodnight