#he just wouldn't think to make a scene like that up in improv without prompting probably

[the-force-awakens]

Thinking about what a sweet, kind, silly and gentle hearted person Poe is until you piss him off and once that switch is flipped, he's a force to be reckoned with

Oh, did you mean? my most favorite? facet? of his character? that makes me lose my marbles? and also happens to be maybe my favorite character trope of all time? that? Okay I hope you were expecting an infodump because what-ho! that's what's happening, I have come prepared and with receipts, let's fucking go on how Poe Dameron is a goddamned force of nature and how the galaxy should be really fucking thankful his loyalty is first and foremost to the Resistance and to the Light, because if it wasn't...well, I'd dread to think, but it wouldn't be good for anyone else.

The fun thing for me, is that it has always been a part of Poe's character, right from The Force Awakens -- it's subtle, but it's there, hidden between the sassy quips in the face in danger and the professionality of Commander Dameron; little fleeting moments that tell you that Poe Dameron is not someone to be trifled with at all, including one of his very first scenes:

I'm 90% certain that Poe's gaze actually lands first on Tekka's body here, before lifting it up to glare at Ren - and that's more than just a defiant glare, that's a look of loathing. Which fits, considering that I do believe the Force Awakens novelization confirms that Poe rushes in without thinking, and acts on sheer anger/rage when he goes to shoot Ren after Ren kills Tekka.

(More lengthy thoughts under the cut, I was not kidding, I saved a dozen images for this).

And that look is far from the only moment in TFA that clearly goes "oh. yeah, Poe can be scary when he wants to be", there's this frankly delightful moment during the trench run when Poe sees a fellow pilot perish while covering him:

and then moments later, when Poe flies into the heart of Starkiller to destroy the oscillator, we get this shot:

that's far more than just determination/focus, he's angry. and he has every goddamned right to be - he was just held captive and tortured for (??) days, and this monstrosity just destroyed an entire fucking planetary system, and the very Republic that Poe has spent his entire adult life believing the inherent values of, that he thought could genuinely improve. Never mind the detail that Poe probably likely spent time on the Hosnian System, if he didn't live there temporarily during his time in the Defense Fleet.

But these shots makes it clear where the comic gets the idea from that the First Order might, y'know, actually be. A little bit terrified of Poe Dameron:

He's a serious threat, and ruthless when it comes to the First Order. People joke a lot about Poe being reckless, but I don't see a lot of recognition for the fact that he can be ruthless - he sees point b and dives straight at it, and he's absolutely relentless in his determination to take the First Order down.

The quickest possible way to enrage Poe is inaction or injustice. We see this clearly in the Last Jedi, when he believes Holdo is essentially leading them to their deaths and has thrown the Resistance away:

but we also see it as far back as Before the Awakening by Greg Rucka:

This conversation carries on for a page or so more, I think, with Poe arguing against the New Republic's decision to not act or investigate further (it's also what prompts him into going rogue to investigate on his own, which leads Leia into recruiting him for the Resistance).

And we've even seen it in material as recent as Free Fall, which means this is a character trait Poe has had his entire life:

(these do not paint my girl in a great light but like she's fucked up okay!! and being groomed into taking her mother's place it's fine, it's fine, she's my fucked up little blorbo)

anyway. so this is Poe when he's, probably about 16? 16 going on 17 here, and this is probably the angriest he's ever been considering how shocked he is about the chill in his own voice (which if you were ever curious why I say Poe's anger runs cold, it's because of this scene right here). He's so enraged by the injustice being carried out by Sotin, that he's genuinely - for the first time in the book - considering actually killing someone. And he gets into a screaming match about what the right decision is with Zorii.

(he also gets to punch Sotin later, by the way, if you even care. It's glorious. I love my favorite character who decides murder is okay if said murder is in question a guy who deals in the slave trade)

But also.

My favorite instance of this, ever, which rewrote my fucking goddamned brainchemistry in 2017 when I read it and made me have to step away from my computer and honest to god pace the length of my house to walk it off, is his confrontation with Terex in issue #13 of the Poe comics.

Because you know what?

This entire fucking exchange is personal, and almost/pretty much outright vindictive? Like at this point, Poe has solidly won this round - Terex has finally been defeated, and all Poe has to do is hand him over to the First Order. He knows, in doing so, Terex will likely be killed, and after who knows how long of Terex's bullshit meaning Poe couldn't trust his squadron, and the fact that L'ulo just died - well, Poe's not real broken up about it, which is fun in itself.

But then he asks Malarus if he can have a moment with Terex before he hands him over and Poe....uses that moment to gloat.

And y'all know me i don't use words like that for Poe but like. he kind of does? he asks a moment alone with terex specifically so that he can taunt Terex that he won, that Terex didn't beat him, and that in trying to take Poe down, Terex cost himself everything (a fact Poe happily rubs in his face), and even adds that "and when I give you to the First Order, I bet they'll take the rest."

So like. Yeah.

Poe knew full well they'd likely kill him, and spends the next few issues full heartedly believing that Terex was dead. And he taunts Terex with it here in this moment. It is TRULY glorious and honestly had 17 year old me's little head spinning because it was such a subversion of what I thought Poe would do -- but he did! He didn't try to figure out a way to spare Terex's life, and he used his final moments with Terex to make sure Terex knew that Poe was fully aware of what the choice he was making meant.

It's fucking DELICIOUS.

And I also love this panel from earlier into the issue:

Because again, it's a great illustration of how Poe can come off cold because of the art choices Phil Noto made here: look at the jacket. It's zipped up all the way to Poe's neck (a rarity for Poe), and just generally gives him this very closed off, cold appearance because he's at his wit's end in this issue, and he is angry about the circumstances Terex has forced him into.

So...yeah. Poe Dameron is a sweet, compassionate, silly guy who makes the worst fucking puns you've ever heard this side of the galaxy. He loves his droid, wears his mother's wedding ring with the intent to give it to the right partner someday, and loves all of his friends full heartedly and is generally the most tactile, affectionate person you will ever meet. He's pretty much everyone's best friend, because he has that kind of charisma and ability to make anyone feel like they're the most important person in the galaxy.

But Poe Dameron is also the man that the First Order seems genuinely intimidated/afraid of. He's the man that destroyed Starkiller base, and toppled the most powerful crime syndicate in the galaxy when he was just 17 years old. He is not someone you ever, ever want to piss off, because for all his warmth and love, Poe has an anger that runs cold, and when he hates something - it's just like when he loves something, he doesn't go half-way.

General Organa isn't the only Resistance general that can be absolutely terrifying in her own right as much as she can be gentle and loving. It's just that Leia's the only one anyone ever notices, because...well, Poe's silly and funny and usually kind of easy going.

And the fact that people underestimate him is what makes him that much more dangerous.

[angelicsentinel]

Heartlight

Title: Heartlight Fandom: Detective Conan/Magic Kaito Author: AngelicSentinel Rating: Teen Relationships: Kudo Shinichi/Kuroba Kaito Characters: Kudo Shinichi, Kuroba Kaito Additional Information: First Kiss, Mutual Pining, Romance, Fluff, Making Out, Light Angst, Alternate Universe - Soulmates Word Count: ~6,000 Summary:

"Why seek me out?" Shinichi asked.

"I brought gifts for everyone on the nice list, and you missed yours."

Shinichi leaned back, rubbing at his cold hands before tucking them under his armpits. The night had grown colder, and he'd left home without an overcoat. "Wouldn't think I'd make the nice list, being a critic and all." He jiggled his foot against the frosted grass.

Notes: This is my second gift for @altumvidetur for the 2022 KaiShin secret santa as hosted by @dcmkkaishinevents. Written for the prompt "first kiss."

So uh, I wrote two because I became blocked on one and wrote another just in case, got stuck on the second, but then managed to finish the first one. Since I had done so much on the second already, I decided to finish it and post both. Hope you enjoy!

As always, mirror on Ao3

-

The large hall was dark and foreboding, lit only by moonlight and the dim light coming from the heavy double doors that led to the study.

The moon had always reminded Shinichi of the Kaitō KID. It was enticing with its pale allure, outshining the stars, but ever so distant in its manner and form, even at perigee. Likewise, KID was always larger than life, ever so present, flickering and playful, yet there was infinite space between them. Even so, Shinichi couldn’t help but be caught in his orbit.

He watched the moon's pale face through the tall arched windows of the mansion, thinking about him. That mischievous smirk, that irritating attitude of his, the way they made such a good team—

Now they really only came together at heists, and it was just challenging each other.

Shinichi surprised himself by missing the times they worked together, playing off one another’s strengths. He liked the challenges and facing off against him, it was just—

Something was missing. It wasn't enough, not anymore.

"Ah! Shinichi-kun!" Inspector Megure said as he came out of the study, drawing Shinichi's attention away from his thoughts. "I didn't think you'd still be here. Didn't you say you had somewhere else to be tonight?"

Shinichi blinked. "What?" Then he looked down at his watch. "Augh!" He bounced on his feet, looking from the scene of the crime to the front door, torn.

Megure shook his head. "Let us do our jobs. You've helped as much as you possibly can. Go."

Shinichi didn't waste any time, racing out the door and towards the museum.

“Damn it!” Shinichi cursed, glancing at his watch. He was so late! 

He darted up the steps and ducked under the cordon, lifted up by a helpful officer, and sprinted into the museum, after which he slowed his steps to a walk.

Shinichi’s footsteps echoed off the marbled floor throughout the tall arches of the hallway, and he raced to the entrance of the gem exhibit where he paused at the open arched door. 

The task force’s shouts were loud as they dogpiled the place KID was just standing. Still, they were almost comforting. There was something to be said for habit, and this was one Shinichi was long used to.

KID backflipped off a display case with a wild laugh, and the ghost of a smile curled across Shinichi’s face. He stayed behind the cordon at the Beika Museum of Natural History with the rest of the crowd. Just this once, Shinichi was in no mood to go chasing after the thief. He had declined to go to the heist at first, but KID’s heists invariably cheered his increasingly melancholic moods. 

KID was always a delight to watch. Just being in the presence of his sheer exuberance improved Shinichi’s mood immensely. Dressed for the season with a glowing red nose and antlers sticking out of his hat, KID danced around giving the task force particularly dangerous presents. Some of them exploded with goo. Others had glitter bombs. Still others contained thoughtful gifts, and it was this last thing which made KID’s prank so successful. The task force never knew which of the gifts were rigged, and he had prepared one safe present for each task member, so they never knew if they were opening a legitimate present or not. 

Even Inspector Nakamori had fallen for it; he was inordinately pleased with his brand new tie KID had given him and was fighting not to show it. He was also covered with shaving cream, which had somehow managed to miss his new tie. KID was skilled in that way. 

An intermittent gleam from KID’s chest twinkled in and out every time he looked at Shinichi, but it had to be a trick of the light. It couldn’t be what he thought it was. 

Shinichi closed his eyes, letting the noise wash over him, and inhaled deeply. He'd watched KID's performance. It was time to go. He slipped through the crowd and out the door into the humid winter night, leaving the shouts behind him. The damp chilled him to his bones, and he fought off a shiver. Still, the cold was bracing, and it helped him feel better. 

Only the slightest sliver of crescent moon shone overhead, and the lights from the city drowned out its futile gleam. 

Shinichi meandered through Beika, hands in his pockets and shoulders tucked in against the cold. He could go home, but why? It was also cold, and large, and empty. At least here the sounds of the city surrounded Shinichi, burying him in the white noise. He took a turn for the park. 

This late at night, Beika Park was dark, lit only by distant streetlamps. Shinichi avoided the lit areas and sat down on a bench behind a row of trees on the bank of the Serpentine, watching the calm, quiet waves in the dark. A curtain of diamonds shone above in the black.

Two stars fell in synchrony, arcing across the sky, leaving a brilliant fiery trail. Shinichi watched them until they disappeared, and made a wish.

Behind him, leaves rustled in the low wind. They masked quiet footsteps, so Shinichi wasn’t aware he was no longer alone until someone spoke. 

“You arrived late, and then you left my heist early. Was something lacking in the presentation?" KID asked quietly. Something bright flashed behind Shinichi.

When Shinichi turned, it was gone. "No. It was a wonderful performance," he said, watching KID’s posture relax before turning back around, staring at the dark waves on the lake. He leaned forward on his arms. "I didn't think you'd notice," he added.

"Of course I did," KID said, walking around the park bench and sitting down next to Shinichi. "A good artist always keeps track of his critics. I also noticed you didn't assist the task force tonight."

"I didn't feel like it," Shinichi said.

"I see."

A measured silence.

"Why seek me out?" Shinichi asked.

"I brought gifts for everyone on the nice list, and you missed yours."

Shinichi leaned back, rubbing at his cold hands before tucking them under his armpits. The night had grown colder, and he'd left home without an overcoat. "Wouldn't think I'd make the nice list, being a critic and all." He jiggled his foot against the frosted grass.

"That's what makes you the nicest," KID said, and wrapped his cape around Shinichi's shoulders; he startled at the touch, though, and KID laughed and said, "Easy, easy. It's just me." In his other hand he held out a deep blue box, covered with silver sparkles and a glittering, silver bow.

Shinichi narrowed his eyes at it. "And it's going to have shaving cream or exploding glitter in it—"

"No," KID said, shifting so their bodies touched, and pulling his cape more tightly around Shinichi as he shivered. His side was almost painfully warm, Shinichi had been out in the cold so long without a coat, and he couldn't help but press himself more closely against him. That in turn made KID wrap an arm around his waist. "It won't, I promise."

"I'll hold you to that," Shinichi said, and opened the box. Inside was another box of midnight blue, the outside made of crushed velvet. It looked like a box in which jewelry came. "This isn't some kind of box-in-a-box trick, is it?" 

"No," KID said again, and something in his voice made Shinichi glance up. If Shinichi didn't know better, he'd almost say KID was nervous.

Running a finger over the box, Shinichi opened it. The contents were what he thought. It was jewelry: a silver necklace with a heart-shaped pendant covered in white stones. The center held a heart-cut blue stone. It also had a latch; Shinichi flipped it open to see a preserved four-leaf clover.

"KID, is this some kind of joke?" Shinichi asked with a grin. It was a good one. Much more subtle than the ones he gave at the heist. The locket was beautiful.

KID was not grinning. Instead, he said, "I am giving you my heart, Detective."

It took Shinichi a long moment to process, and then he blushed all the way down, suddenly hot all over. He was now aware that he'd pressed KID the length of his side, seeking out his heat, and the way they were sitting, KID's cape wrapped around Shinichi, was cozy and intimate. His heart rabbited in his chest.

Idiot, he said to himself. It's just KID. 

"But we're both men?" he said, at least partially to give himself more time to think, but KID merely tightened his grip on his waist.

"That, I believe, is precisely the point," KID said, reaching up to cup Shinichi's jaw, running his thumb across his lips.

Shinichi parted his lips in surprise, and KID leaned in, tilting his head. He searched his eyes for a moment, and finding what he was looking for, he pressed his lips to his.

Soft, was Shinichi's first thought. His second was warm. Then Shinichi had no more thoughts at all as KID mouthed his bottom lip and kissed him again. He kept kissing him, his mouth firm and insistent, his grip tight around his waist, and Shinichi kissed back, just as insistent, pressing forward, seeking him out.

Somehow Shinichi's hand found its way into KIDs hair and he pinned KID back against the bench. 

Was this what he was missing? Is this why he went to KID's heists? Searching for that spark that he and Ran had lost?

They broke away only when they could no longer breathe. Shinichi was practically in his lap. KID had his gloved fingers curled against his own lips, watching Shinichi, stunned, his cheeks scarlet.

Something cold slid against Shinichi’s collar as he leaned back, and he looked down to find KID had put the locket around his neck at some point when they were kissing. Shinichi grasped it in his palm. “Your heart, huh?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“I thought you stole things, not gave them,” Shinichi said, dropping the locket. It fell against his chest, warm from his palm.

“I’m intent on stealing yours,” KID said, tracing nonsense figures against Shinichi's neck before moving down to his chest.  

“Idiot,” Shinichi said. “Like you don’t already have it.”

KID paused for a moment before continuing to stroke his chest, drawing circles around the locket. “I admit I wasn’t certain,” he said. “Things between us are…contentious.”

Shinichi laughed. “That’s one way of putting it,” he said, and then kissed the corner of his mouth, letting his lips linger against his skin. 

“Ah,” KID said, leaning into it. ”In that case, it is only polite that you have something in which to fill the hollow left behind,” KID murmured against his lips. 

Shinichi tilted his face into his, so their faces were pressed together. That was well and good until Shinichi brushed his nose against KID's cheek.

"Cold!" he said, pulling away and rubbing at his cheek. He plucked something out of his pocket and stuck it on Shinichi's nose. He nearly went cross-eyed trying to see what it was.

Ah, the red reindeer nose, blinking happily. KID quickly followed with some earmuffs that had antlers attached to the top; Shinichi hadn’t realized it, distracted as he was, but the cold had been burning his ears. 

“Better?” KID asked, tilting his head. 

Shinichi blinked. “Yeah,” he said, slightly nasally from the flashing nose. “But I look ridiculous.”

“Better than shaving cream or glitter?” KID asked, eyebrows raised.

“Much.” Shinichi agreed with that much, he supposed. “I guess it’s pretty clever to work with what you have.”

“Hmm, it is freezing out here,” KID said. “I should probably get you home. You’re not properly dressed.” He attempted to extricate himself from Shinichi’s grip, but Shinichi wouldn’t let him go. 

“I don’t want tonight to end,” Shinichi said, leaning his head on his shoulder. “Not just yet.”

“You, clingy?” KID shook his head. “I never would have guessed.”

“I’m cold. You’re warm. If you pull away, I’ll be cold again,” Shinichi tightened his grip around him. “It’s logical.”

“I see. Purely logical. Makes sense.” KID was being indulgent, playful. A wave of fondness rushed up and filled Shinichi’s heart. "But we can't stay out here forever, hmm." 

KID was silent for a long moment, finger tapping his kiss-bruised lips. By this point, the cold had left Shinichi almost entirely. He was almost hot, surrounded by his warmth. "Can I trust you?" he asked Shinichi, and how was Shinichi supposed to take that?

"I don't think you should," Shinichi said, for lack of anything better to say, and when KID didn't say anything after a long moment, Shinichi added, "It is Christmas, however, and since I don't have a gift prepared, anything said or done on this night I'll take to my grave."

KID licked his lips. "Anything?"

"One night only," Shinichi said, already regretting it. For good measure, he reached into his pocket, turned his phone to airplane mode, then shut it off. 

"Very well," KID said. "Then I have a place we can go." He slid his hand into his, and entwining his fingers with Shinichi's, he stood. He wrapped his cape tightly around Shinichi like a cloak, then in a puff of smoke, the rest of his outfit disappeared, turning into something dark, his silk hat now a ball cap pulled low over his eyes. Then he pulled Shinichi into the night.

The night was still, punctuated only by the yowl of a startled cat and quiet, distant traffic. KID's wandering path sent them through the park, down a couple of blocks, through some adjacent alleyways, and finally, up a fire escape of a small, older building. Shinichi didn't think he could remember the way even if he was asked.

KID's lockpicks made quick work of the half-size access panel, and then he pulled him into the room.

Surprisingly, it was a full-size room, if a bit small, and mostly finished, sheetrocked and wired. Only the rafters were left open. Someone had made it a small apartment, and it hadn't been KID.

He had, however, run differing strands of blue and white festive lights throughout the rafters, so they dangled down like stars. In the corner were a couple of futon and a pile of pillows and blankets, looking like a little nest. 

Another area was closed off with a wall and half-open door; it was a bath. An actual bath with a full bathtub. In the corner was another closed door and a space heater.

A small television sat on a milk crate and it was surrounded by stacks of books and a few old newspapers, neatly folded. A half-size refrigerator, microwave, and hotplate completed the ensemble.

"I take it this is a bolt hole?" Shinichi asked.

"One of them, yeah," KID said. A threat if Shinichi ever heard one.

"One of the first, and probably the most established, if I had to say so." KID's tense posture told Shinichi he was correct, but threatening him wasn't his intent, so he said, "You don't have to worry. I'm as good as my word. Your secret is safe with me."

"Is that so?" KID murmured, pulling him close.

"Yes," Shinichi said, settling his arms around his lower back.

"Be careful," KID said, tightening his grip. "That might make me inclined to share more than I should."

"I won't make use of anything that happens tonight. Anything," Shinichi stressed.

"Including my face?"

"Anything," Shinichi repeated, heart in his throat.

He swallowed thickly as KID gave a half smile and took off his hat and monocle, tossing them to the side. He took off Shinichi’s nose and earmuffs, then leaned over for a kiss, one that Shinichi was only too happy to receive.

"What about it, detective? Do I pass muster?" KID asked.

Shinichi cupped his face. Still real. "More than," he said.

KID kissed him again, firm but chaste, until Shinichi was breathless again.

Then he turned, pulling off his black clothing and then his suit coat, shrugging off the dark cotton trousers and hanging the coat up in the corner so it wouldn't wrinkle. His belt followed, his shoes tucked neatly under the coat.

"Getting undressed?" Shinichi asked weakly, heart in his throat, excitement thrumming through his body.

"Getting comfortable," KID said. “It’s supposed to be below zero until well into the morning. Since you left home without a coat,” here he shot him a glare, “I figured we��d wait here until in the morning.” He cleared his throat. “Unless you have something pressing.”

The room cut off the wind, and it was small enough just their body heat made it tolerable, though still cold. KID arranged the space heater and turned it on.

“No, nothing pressing,” Shinichi said. “Though I do wonder how we’re going to spend the time.”

“Do you?” KID asked, his voice dropping an octave. “I can think of a few things.”

Shinichi blinked, caught flat-footed. “Um.” His mind had gone completely blank at the suggestive tone to his words, and suddenly it was hard to breathe again. 

Idiot, he said to himself once again. It's just KID. KID looking at him with promise in his eyes, with desire. 

Yeah, that line didn’t work on Shinichi the first time, either. He wrapped his cape tighter around himself and swallowed again, shifting on his feet. 

How had they gotten here? “One night only,” Shinichi said, almost a whisper, staring at the futon, and so he missed the despair that crossed KID’s face. It would have matched Shinichi’s own. “I’d like that,” he said, voice louder, and licked his lips. “Things.”

KID pasted on a smile. It seemed a little false, but Shinichi wasn’t sure what gave him that impression. “We could always play cards instead.”

“Using the ammunition for your card gun, right?” Shinichi said, interested despite himself. 

KID's smile widened, much more genuine. "Why, detective! Are you trying to gumshoe my secrets out of me?"

Shinichi's grin matched his. "Look, I've got one night to get everything out of you, and anything I get, I can't use. You might as well give me everything."

KID touched his hips, guiding him towards the futon. "Giving you everything, hmm?" They sat down on the futon, backs against the wall. "Why don't you start the interrogation, then?"

"Why me?" Shinichi asked quietly.

"Why not you, detective?" KID pulled his knees up to his chest. "Don't we work well together? Aren't you interested in how it might work? What we could achieve?" 

Shinichi laughed. "You make us sound like business partners."

"Perhaps I should return this interrogation to you. Why did you kiss me back?"

Hmm. That was a question. Why did Shinichi kiss him back? "Loneliness, maybe?" Shinichi said slowly.

"I can work with that," KID said.

"No, I. I let you get close," Shinichi said. "It happened without me realizing it. When you kissed me, it suddenly made sense."

"Ah, habit! How romantic," KID said, stretching out and curling around Shinichi.

"It's not habit! At least, not just habit," Shinichi amended. "You challenge me."

"You were not looking for that challenge tonight," KID said.

Laughter bubbled up from Shinichi's throat despite himself. "Aww, were you hurt that I didn't participate?" He unwrapped KID's cape, sharing it with him.

"Very," KID said seriously, laying his head against his chest. Shinichi had a very good view of his collarbones, framed by his loose tie and the undone top two buttons. He thought he might particularly like to kiss the dip under his neck, just to see what KID would do. 

"Lucky for us then that heists are just a medium," Shinichi said, tucking KID in. "We still have lots of ways we can challenge one another."

“Sounds intriguing. What do you have in mind?” KID asked. 

Shinichi said nothing, fingers under KID's chin. He tilted his chin up and kissed him. It was nice, Shinichi reflected, to have him so close. All the things he never thought about, that he never let himself think about…they didn’t matter anymore. KID was close, his lips on his. His body heat mesmerized Shinichi. He was so startlingly hot Shinichi could just melt against him, and so he did. 

He lost track of time. All Shinichi knew when he pulled away was that KID’s shirt had become unbuttoned. His flushed skin contrasted with the white of his suit, and Shinichi wanted to see him even more disheveled.

"Is this how interrogations are supposed to work, detective?" KID asked as Shinichi pressed him to the futon, straddling his thighs and pinning his arms above his head.

"Hmm. I think I'm learning a lot," Shinichi said, moving his tie to the side and trailing a finger down his lean pectoral. Toned muscle, hidden by a soft layer. Shinichi jerked his shirt open wide and splayed his hands across his chest, running his palms across his nipples.

KID's breath hitched, and his hands settled on Shinichi's hips.

Shinichi tapped the left side of his torso, close to his heart. "Starburst pattern," he said. "Hollow. Gunshot," he concluded, before fingering a small scar. "The gem that saved you cut you," he said, tracing the line.

"Yes. It was the Blue Birthday," he said. KID was trying to control his breathing, but he was having difficulties, just from Shinichi's proximity. A heady feeling surged through Shinichi, making him dizzy.

He had to ground himself. "You're getting shot at," Shinichi said. "Who's shooting you?" Shinichi asked.

"Detective, do we have to talk about this now?" KID asked.

In lieu of an answer, Shinichi kissed the dip in between his collar bones. KID made a strangled noise, so Shinichi kissed the curve of his neck, up the line of it, and finished with one to his jaw. Then he kissed back down, humming as he reached his sternum. Then he licked a line between his pectorals, tracing the ridge until he reached a nipple. 

KID hissed. Shinichi swirled around the nub with the tip of his tongue before mouthing it with his lips and then kissing it. KID buried his fist in his hair, arching up into his mouth, so Shinichi did it again.

Shinichi licked a line to the other side before performing the same routine, rewarded by a gasp from KID and more writhing. 

Lifting his head, Shinichi said, "No."

"'No' what?" KID asked, and Shinichi laughed.

"So this body is KID's canvas," Shinichi mused. "Adaptable and chameleon. Beautiful."

"Oh, detective. You'll make me blush," KID said.

"That's the plan," Shinichi said, trailing his finger down the line of his stomach to his navel before circling it. It was then he noticed something had risen. "Pervert," he said, blushing.

"Detective, I am only a mortal man and you've been very handsy," KID said.

Yes. Shinichi knew far too well KID was mortal, even if he forgot sometimes, the way that KID seemed larger than life.

Shinichi touched the starburst scar. "I'm going to make it so you never have to go through this again."

KID blinked. "Detective?"

"I mean it. I'll find them, even if you won't tell me." He glared at the bullet hole, and KID took his hand from his scar and held it.

"You have your own problems," KID said.

"I do. And they include you now.” He leaned over his body once again, kissing his collar over and over, trailing kisses back over the left part of his shoulder, kissing back up his neck. He feathered kisses all along KID’s jaw, and then attempted to kiss the corner of his mouth again. Instead, KID turned his head into the kiss, tired of the teasing. Shinichi didn’t have a problem with this either, and kissed him gladly, nipping his bottom lip, soothing it with a questioning tongue. 

KID let him in. It wasn’t so long ago that this would have been something unusual, but now it was more natural than breathing. He and KID just fit together, even like this. Watching him at the heist, Shinichi knew something was missing, that he needed something else, something more, but he didn’t know it would be this. Perfection encapsulated in this singular moment, something grand, something special. He could do this the rest of his life and never get tired of it; the slide of their twin tongues, the needy way that KID sought him out, the obsessed way that he responded. 

“I’m a problem?” KID asked, breathless, when Shinichi pulled away. 

“You’re a big problem,” Shinichi said, shaking his head at him. “What am I supposed to do with you, huh?” he asked, rubbing circles over his heart. “How am I supposed to protect you if you won’t let me?”

“Protect me?” KID asked, tilting his head. “I’m not helpless, you know.”

“I know, I just.” Shinichi bit his lip. “I just don’t want to lose you before I even know you. If I can help—”

KID took his hand in his. “The sentiment as it’s meant is endearing. My dear, dear detective,” KID said, cupping his face and caressing the sweep of Shinichi’s cheek with his thumb. “Alas, but we are two different stars, falling together but with a different trajectory. Our paths were not meant to have the same end.”

“You're the one that gave me your heart, KID," Shinichi said. "Isn't it mine to do with as I please?" 

"My heart, not the rest of me," KID said.

"Oh, I see," Shinichi said, although he didn't really see at all. Instead, he rose from his position on top of KID and stood, straightening his suit. He dusted himself off, and then walked towards the little half door.

It took KID a moment to process what Shinichi was doing, but then he was on his feet in a flash, racing across the small room and grabbing his wrist. "Shinichi, don't go!"

Shinichi turned. "Why shouldn't I?"

"Because—" he trailed off. Shinichi rarely saw him at a loss for words. "I want you here," he finished quietly.

"I'm not someone you can just dismiss," Shinichi said, tugging his arm out of his grip. "And if you're not even going to listen to me, it makes me wonder if this can even go anywhere."

"It can, it's just," KID fell to silence again. 

Shinichi laughed, but this time it was bitter. He stepped forward, closer to the door, only to have KID wrap his arms around him and press his face to his back. "Stay with me," KID said.

"Tonight?" Shinichi asked.

"Forever."

"KID—"

"You have to understand. I am used to doing things alone," KID said. "It will take me some time to accustom myself to having someone beside me."

"Like that excuses it," Shinichi grumbled, but he had no desire to leave. He only wanted to make KID understand.

"People will inevitably get hurt. I would rather bear that myself." His grip around Shinichi's stomach tightened.

"Idiot. You don't need to protect me. I'm not helpless either. We can work together." He turned around in his embrace and gathered KID into his arms. His warm body heated Shinichi down to his bones.

"Detective," KID said before pausing. He opened his mouth. Then he shut it. Then he opened it again before biting his lip instead.

He leaned in, pressing half his face against half of Shinichi's, close enough to whisper in his ear. "My name is Kaito."

Shinichi's breath left his body. "Sure you can trust me with that much?"

"One night only," KID said with a soft smile. “You’re as good as your word. For one night only, I can trust you with everything.” He swallowed. “I find myself wanting to.” He reached into his pocket and pressed a button and soft music began playing from speakers hidden in various corners of the room. Shinichi couldn’t spot them at first glance. 

The soft sound of a cello and piano—the opening notes of Pachelbel's Canon in D. Kaito took Shinichi’s hands into his, sweeping him across the small room. Shinichi let him take the lead. “Are we getting married?” Shinichi asked. “It’s quite a ways from our first kiss we shared tonight.”

“Shinichi, I have one night to work with. Cut me some slack here,” Kaito said, swirling him around. 

Shinichi decided he’d be better off if he took the lead before KID got any ideas; to his surprise, Kaito was only too willing to follow. "You're forgiven," Shinichi said primly with a disdainful sniff, and they both laughed so hard they fell against each other, clutching each other for support.

It wasn't exactly funny, but something was just so…Shinichi didn't have the words. Magical, maybe, but it didn't feel right. Special? 

Like untouched fresh-fallen snow, the kind that would melt in the morning under the warm winter sun. Beautiful and pristine and so very fragile.

They danced until the song changed, and Kaito turned the music down, then leaned in for another kiss. Shinichi was growing addicted to them. They kissed again, and a twinkling bright light grew between them, expanding until it flashed brightly in a splash of color.

"Oh," Shinichi said, eyes wide.

Kaito's blue shirt was still unbuttoned, and glittering just in front of his chest was a small white star, iridescent and sparkling.

He'd been right. Kaito's heartlight had been in danger of escaping his chest all night.

"When you said you were giving me your heart, I thought you meant it as a metaphor," Shinichi said.

Kaito's face fell, and he clutched at his light, covering it, but it was too bright. It shone through his fingers. He held it close to his chest, trying to force it back in, but it wouldn't return, so he just stood there helpless, heart in his hand.

The air was still. Shinichi heard his own heartbeat loud in his ears. He reached out. “May I,” he asked, his voice as soft as the shadows flickering with the beat of KID’s heart. 

The silence was deafening. Shinichi didn’t move. One twitch would shatter this moment forever. They stayed in that moment for an eternity, gazing into each other’s eyes, the space between them lit up by Kaito’s twinkling heart. 

“Of course,” Kaito said finally, voice as soft as a whisper. He held out his hand, his face lit by a rainbow of color. 

Cognizant of the trust Kaito was showing towards him, Shinichi took it from his hand with a delicate touch, cradling it between his own two. He leaned down, pressing a kiss against the fluttering warmth. 

Kaito gasped, face slackening, so Shinichi did it again, pouring all the affection he felt into the kiss. 

It wasn’t love. Not quite yet. But it was enough to make Kaito’s heart squirm in his hand and inch towards Shinichi’s own chest. 

“Detective,” Kaito breathed as Shinichi brought it closer and let it rest against his heart. He knew he was half in love with KID already. He just hadn’t recognized that love for what it was.

It was so obvious in retrospect. 

The little ball of light sank down into his chest; Shinichi inhaled, deep and shuddering, as Kaito’s warmth suffused his entire body. It settled down into his chest, curling next to Shinichi’s own heartlight. 

Kaito fell against him, his breathing ragged, clutching at him with desperate hands. “Please,” he begged into Shinichi’s neck. It was everything to let it rest there, to let it resonate. In return, Shinichi’s light curled around Kaito’s like a guardian, protecting him from the shadows outside. 

Shinichi didn’t want to part them. But it was unfair for Kaito to give him his soulstar and then for Shinichi to keep him heartless in the dark. 

Biting his lip, Shinichi untied his tie and then shrugged off his shirt. Then he helped Kaito do the same until they were standing shirtless before one another. 

It took surprisingly little time for Shinichi to coax his heartlight out of his chest. Shinichi’s wasn’t an iridescent rainbow; it was a dimmer star made of cool blues and somewhat small. He held it out to Kaito, who took it like it was precious anyway, and he held it against his chest. It sank inside easier than Shinichi suspected and settled like it had always belonged there. 

Love thrummed through Shinichi's chest from Kaito's heartlight. Likewise, his soulstar teased at Shinichi's light as it flowed through Kaito, stoking the brightness, playful and sure.

"You—" Kaito began, uncertain.

"Me," Shinichi said with a smile.

"You know, in the old days they would have considered this as binding as a marriage," Kaito said.

“Then yes,” Shinichi said. 

His words struck Kaito speechless. Left bereft of words, he pulled him into another kiss instead. 

Kaito's heart raced in Shinichi's chest. Likewise, he could feel his own speeding up in Kaito's. They began to resonate with one another, sparking light flickering from each of their chests, before settling down into their new homes.

Lifting his head, he grabbed Shinichi's hand and pulled him back to the futon, laying down next to him so they were face to face, then covered them both with several thick blankets.

"Your heart's been mine for a long time, hasn't it?" Shinichi asked.

"Yes," Kaito admitted. "Pathetic, huh?"

"Brave," Shinichi said. He reached over and caressed his cheek. "No hiding from me, not tonight."

The festive lights twinkled above them, casting the whole safe room in a haunting blue glow. It was beautiful. He was beautiful. Shinichi wanted to reach out and touch.

Then, he realized he could. He shifted under the blankets and rolled over on top of him. 

“Detective…?” Kaito asked. He hissed as Shinichi kissed the juncture of his shoulder, up his collar, followed by the hollow of his throat, then along the curve.

“Mmm, Kaito,” Shinichi murmured against his neck. “I really would prefer it if you would call me Shinichi."

"Shinichi," he breathed. 

"You know," Shinichi said conversationally against his neck, "About this one night thing—" he trailed off, kissing the edge of his jaw and just under his ear.

"What?" Kaito asked, shifting underneath him, tensing up.

"I was just thinking about it," Shinichi said, plying him with kisses. "How anything goes tonight."

"Yes, and? What was your conclusion?" Kaito asked, breathless and squirming.

"Oh, just that it follows that I really can't do anything about anything that happens in the future outside the foundation of this night, either," Shinichi said, pressing soft kisses across his face. His jawline, his cheeks…he rested his lips against his forehead, holding him close.

Shinichi didn’t speak it aloud, but perhaps it was better that Kaito didn’t tell him about those men in black at his heists. Shinichi had the free rein to investigate on that own

“Meaning?” Kaito asked, and oh, he was tense. 

“I want to be partners,” Shinichi said, running his fingers through his fringe, kissing his forehead, then down the bridge of his nose.

“Working together?” Kaito asked, adorably confused.

“No. Partners,” Shinichi stressed. “Boyfriends. Whatever.”

“Oh, I see.” He grinned. “Boyfriends.”

“Don’t say that. It sounds so juvenile.”

“Whatever, then,” Kaito said, grinning even wider.

Shinichi wanted to kiss that smirk right off his stupid face. "I want to learn everything about you, and argue with you, and do everything with you. I want to challenge you, and struggle with you, and I just," he trailed off.

"...Are you asking me out?" Kaito asked, his smile true and genuine.

To hell with it. "Yes," Shinichi said, and drew him back close.

The night outside was cold and bitter, but underneath the blankets, Shinichi was sweet and warm. He tucked his head against Kaito's chest and just listened to his heart, cradled by Shinichi's heartlight. The locket he'd given him lay against his chest, warm with the heat of their skin.

Tomorrow, things would be different. Tomorrow they would have to figure out so very many complicated messy things to make it work. If they could even make it work, disparate as they were.

But tonight…

Just for tonight…

They cradled each other in their arms and dreamed of forever.

[sofiadragon]

My feelings about season 2 of the Loki series are currently very similar to when I found out what else Steven Moffat and JK Rowling had presented to the public.

Ranting about the value of authorial intent, boycotting bigots, and asking the universe why a company like Disney lets people write about things they know nothing about under the cut.

I loved Doctor Who, and I enjoyed it enough to keep watching each episode as it came out through the end of of Matt Smith because the actors were clearly enjoying themselves and individual episodes were good, but the resolution of the story arcs was so bad after Tennant left and I knew that wasn't down to Smith's acting ability. Nice setup, bad play, over and over again. I expected a long con for River Song, but then after she was revealed to be a bespoke assasin designed to manipulate him on every level the Doctor just... boned her anyway? Despite being an ace romantic for the last 50 years? Explicitly so, what with how his people didn't reproduce sexually and that is a plot point even in the new series. That was hardly the only storyline with a very strange ending that left myself (and many other fans) dissatisfied.

I didn't get why the show made such a turn for the worse, and it was my complete disinterest in authorial intent, backstage drama, and entertainment news interviews kicking me in the ass. (As it occasionally does.) Moffat can do a lot of things, and his individual episodes are often fantastic, but bringing a season long story arc to a beautiful end is just not one of them. When I read what his intent was for these stories I just laughed. I didn't take away half the things he expected a casual fan to notice, let alone the deeper meanings that people like me who love to rewatch and theory craft supposedly should have seen. It all felt rushed and unfinished at best, a bit of deus ex machina at worst.

Nope, you failed the assignment. It's just more embarrassing because you are the one who defined the assignment in the first place. I hated the end of Sherlock too, (S4) and now I know that I'll probably love the setup and hate the resolution for anything Moffat makes because that is just how he makes things.

I think there is a lot of value in looking at what someone made without director commentary because bad things can be made with the best of intentions and good things can be made by very problematic people. I have no interest in entertaining JK Rowling's asinine declaration that Dumbledore and Lupin as written in the 7 HP books are good queer representation. The things she says and promotes about trans people are disgusting. However, that doesn't change what I experienced when I read the books or the community I found among fans at the time. It means I won't consume new things she makes and, to be fully honest, cemented my view that a film or book contains what it contains and should be criticized or praised separately from the people who made it. Pottermore became the worst bit of public self-pleasuring I've yet seen. All her cut and extra content for the world neither added much nor was a loss to the main story. She believes that while an individual can do great things, systemic change is always bad and honestly that both predates and supersedes her being a terf in my decision to avoid her other work.

This view was only maintained when my own fanfiction started getting nasty comments about how this or that fannon theory was bunkum when those fannon theories didn't appear in my story, they only existed in other stories with similar tags. This is how I consume media and how I evaluate narratives, and if that isn't for you then that's fine. It doesn't mean I ignore bigots or that I don't think anyone deserves to be judged when they show their ugly to the world.

So... the Loki series. Turns out a show with a main character who has been canonically queer for the last *checks Norse mythology* twelve centuries or so was made by bigots. Now I am a strong believer that if you do your research and are hard working you can write about anything and be respectful about it, but that's assuming you aren't deeply opposed to the core subject matter. There is nothing I have seen to show that Tom Hiddleston has this issue, but from the writers on down to the actress playing the main character (not Loki but Sylvie, who seems like his replacement as the "superior" version of the character according to the show) are either openly bigots or are blinded by their entitled ignorance of why Loki went off the rails in the first place.

What the actual Hela is this? Does Sylvie need to be played by a bi or genderqueer person for me to be happy? No. It would be nice and I think since *insert current year argument* we are where we are it is absolutely possible to have that kind of face- on- screen representation, but that isn't necessary if you have good actors willing to shoot the sorts of scenes that role requires.

The writers room is where the diversity needs to be, it has to be in the initial creation. On a project of this scale (meaning the MCU) all these scripts have teams and assistants and editors crawling over the story - you can claim one person wrote the thing and I'll just laugh in your face. A specific scene, maybe, but there is a committee involved in this and it isn't small. All the way down to the directors talking about the tone and the actors improvising lines they think work better, this is a group project.

I could name a hundred terrible books written by bigots about this or that minority that perpetuate a host of horrible stereotypes. I could show you the movies where some of that filth was scrubbed off the source material by less or non-bigoted script writers, directors, and cast. Here is one low-hanging fruit: Look at the difference between how the Fifty Shades trilogy treats BDSM kink as a mental illness purely caused by abuse that can be cured with love and vanilla heterosexual intercourse and reproduction and the movie where consent takes center stage (or tries to.)

When the initial cut of meat is full of maggots it doesn't matter how you try to trim it up or what spices you use, the meal will be tainted. Disney hiring people who find no value in core parts of the main character's identity to make a TV series is the stupidest decision they have made in the entire MCU.

[heejojo]

Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was

✰ summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.

✰ pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)

✰ genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers

✰ warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death

✰ word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)

a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!

prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!

“Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was”

Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.

Nishimura Riki couldn’t exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.

September 2012

Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.

“That's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,” he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.

“Your name is not on it and you didn’t buy it so why should I leave?” you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.

“I called dibs on it,” he said while puffing out his chest.

“Dibs are for babies,” you say while continuing to swing. “I’m not a baby,” he retorts.

“If you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?” you ask and his face begins to turn red. “It's cool, isn't it Jay?” he nudges his friend asking him for support. “Cool man, girls just suck” Jay responds and they both leave. “At least I dress myself!” you yell at their retreating figures

After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.

August 2016

“Niki!!” you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re lucky I love food,” you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.

December 2018

Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didn’t.

It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you weren’t expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of ‘Finally’ were echoed.

It felt good being with someone.

January 2019

Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki weren’t an exception. After being childhood friends for so long you’d think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didn’t want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, you’d let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldn’t take it.

“We need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?” you asked him.

“I’ve just been busy” he replied.

“No, you’ve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding something” you said.

He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, “I said I’ve been busy so forgive me if I can’t give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as you” You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. “ I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. I’d never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but it’s okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesn’t make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesn’t try to ignore the problem or solve it on their own” you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. “It’s okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we won’t be able to provide an immediate solution, it should help” you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.

“I...I’m just scared you’ll leave once you see the not so perfect side of me” he managed to say. “I will stay with you, why don’t we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?” you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. “Thank you, truly,” he said and you smiled under his embrace.

After a few minutes you spoke up, “Oh yeah, Niki?” you called his attention and he hummed in response. “Don’t ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know it” you said.

“Got it, boss. Sorry for being a jerk”

June 2020

You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you weren’t even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.

“I’m sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,” the doctor said. The air left your lungs. “You can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 months” he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that won’t be worth it.

“Niki” you called out.

He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. “Do you want to tell your parents?” You nodded. You couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.

“I just wanted you guys to know, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything,” you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldn’t bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasn’t his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.

“I’m going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,” you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, “You did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so much”. Moving to your dad, you said “You did a good job of protecting me so don’t think otherwise. Let’s make all the memories we want to now without any regrets”. At that, your sister burst into tears “I… I can’t bear to lose you” Your heart clenched. “I can’t bear to lose you too” She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, “From today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.

Starting tomorrow I was going to live.

July 2020

The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I can’t tell him to stop because I can tell he’s hurting so much. Why can’t I just be okay for everyone?

August 2020

The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.

September 2020

I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how he’d do anything.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked between sniffles

“No it doesn’t, it just feels like a needle” it hurt like a truck.

“Liar”

I chuckled and held his hand till I couldn’t anymore. “I love you’’ I say as the lights fade.

╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗

Dear Nishimura Riki,

When you see this, it means I’m already gone. First of all, don’t beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. You’ve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.

Take care of yourself and don’t skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.

Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, I’ll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.

Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was.

Yours truly,

Y/N.