#he is a depressed jerk with a heart of gold down deep inside and we will give him the love he deserves

[derelictlovefool]

I love your deadpool story so so much. It’s so amazingly well written and I love the depth you write him with. So many other stories just make him so ridiculous and stupid and I like that you’re showing that side of him too. Absolutely loving this story!

Thank you so much for your kind words!! 💜💜 I've been a Deadpool fan for a long time, so i'm glad I can do him justice in my writing! I love every version of Wade but the comics that really flesh him out and show the darker and sadder parts of his character are important to me and I wanted to portray that so I'm glad people are really enjoying it!! ☺️

I do also wanna give love to people who write Wade stupid and ridiculous though because that was me when I was a teenager, and we all start somewhere, so I hope they have fun writing him being absolutely insane and they continue to flourish and grow in their writing <33

[wornoutmouse]

Illumi x black Y/N

JUST OCCURRED TO ME I NEVER UPDATED MY ILLUMI STORY ON HERE?!??!

It was the next day when Illumi came home and all night you had to force yourself to ignore the phone calls that came throughout the night. "Y/N I brought you breakfast." you could vaguely hear the monotone voice through your sleepy state. Sitting up you wipe your eyes and look around the room before finally taking in the food in front of you. You blink slowly as you take in the large egg in front of you.

It was about 2 feet tall and larger than your own head with speckled spots all around it. "Illumi what the hell is this?" Illumi blinked at you, "A boiled egg, I heard it is popular among you people." he replies, taking out a spoon and whacking the top of the egg at light speed. All at once, the egg was made up of cracks before they all fell lightly around the egg itself.

"You people? What does that mean" you glared at him, arms folded. Illumi looked at you blankly before closing his eyes and standing up, "Isn't it obvious? Americans." You looked at him for a while, questioning the life choices that lead up to this moment. "Are you going to eat this with me?" you asked poking the large food product with a fork provided by Illumi's brother from your last meal. Illumi shook his head, "No I ate two weeks ago I'm quite full."

At this point, you didn't have any desire to question it as you pierced your egg with your fork eating it. You were surprised at the abundance of taste it held without having any noticeable sauce or seasoning on it. "This is amazing!" you said digging in the egg savoring every bite. Illumi took out a notepad and scribbled something down. "What's that?" you ask, eyes lighting up as you finally made it to the yolk. "Notes my mother gave to me in order to make you accept this family as your own. Step 1: Take them, easy enough. Step 2: a way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Illumi looked up to you with what you could only guess to be pride.

"Did you just call me a man?" you asked blandly suddenly wanting to throw something at the skinwalker. "As far as I can see, you carry no masculine features but even if you did, my family has ways of making it work." Illumi says gesturing at the pins adorning his green vest. You internally shiver at the sight of them as you think back to the night you two met. "Why wouldn't you answer my calls?" Illumi asks, black eyes peering down at you as if they could swallow you whole. "Why did you call me while you were inside someone. Aren't I supposed to be your wife?" you questioned sarcastically licking your lips and setting the plate to the side.

You had only finished about 1/8 of the egg but you felt as if your stomach would implode on itself. You jump as you see a pale hand planted on the bed next to you. You gaze up at Illumi as he looks down at you, seemingly to take in all your features. "Would you prefer I were inside you?" You squeal jumping up and out of the bed falling onto the floor. "Where did that come from!?" you yelled pointing an accusing finger at Illumi as he walked around the bed towards you.

"Although I would prefer our lovemaking to be only when conceiving a child, I do not mind indulging in your fantasies." He says sliding a nail down the middle of his vest opening it up to reveal a green shirt underneath. "You stay right there slender man! Touch me and it's on sight!" you say wielding your fork as if it were a weapon. "Onsight? But I can see you just fine, are you perhaps blind?" You look at him with distaste as you stand up lazily throwing the fork in his direction. “You’re so weird.”

Illumi looked like a kicked puppy, “I don’t know what was strange, you chose to insinuate that you were jealous of me giving physical pleasure to another woman.” There was a knock on the door and a tall man with a mustache walked in. “What is it Gotoh?” Illumi asks, facing the man. Gotoh takes in your disheveled appearance and Illumi’s rare lack of that ugly ass jacket and smirks. “Look OG I don't know what you're thinking but that ain’t it.” you say rolling your eyes before walking into a closet to see what you could possibly wear.

Illumi looks at you with an eyebrow raised, “What is an Oh Gii? Is it a term of endearment?” You look at Illumi for a while before giving him a thumbs-up, “Yeah totally.” Gotoh pushed his glasses up doing his best to contain his amusement. “Your mother and father request a meeting with you and your fiance.” Illumi nods and Gotoh takes his exit.

You pull out an outfit that looks similar to what Illumi was wearing but instead of green it was red. “That'll work.” you mutter flinching as you feel arms wrap around your waist and you feel Illumi rest his head on your shoulder. “I am quite fond of you Oh Gee.”

You have to close your eyes and take deep breaths in order to keep in the laughter threatening to exit your lips.

Much to Illumi’s outward displeasure yet obvious pleasure, you and him were wearing the same thing. Although his vest was tightly hugging your chest and the pants were getting ready to bust from your ass. You two walked down the corridor in silence as you took in the navy blue walls that adorned the hallways. “I mean, knowing what you people do I wasn't expecting to see any loving family photos but how do ya’ll not get depressed with all this nothingness.” Illumi gazes forward but pulls out a small parchment. “I prefer to carry family memories.”

Illumi holds out a small photo to you. You look at it and it appears to be a child Illumi with his father in the woods. Ordinarily, this would be a sweet and endearing photo if not for the fact that Illumi was covered in blood splatter. “This was my first kill.” You quickly handed back the photo and chuckled awkwardly. “How cute a child murderer.” Illumi nodded, “Grandma thought so too.”

You silently prayed that someone, anyone would come to get you from this nightmare.

Illumi opens the double doors and allows you to walk in first. The room was much more lively than the halls but still managed to not look out of place. The room was a deep orange with golds everywhere from the linen to very abstract paintings placed in gold frames.

Sitting on a large pillow was Illumi’s mother and if they had your way, your mother-in-law. Illumi’s father of course sat next to her, broad-chested and overall intimidating. “I bet his dick is small.” you mutter trying to ignore how fast Illumi turned his head to gaze at you.  “Illumi my son, come, come, sit!’ The woman cried, throwing her arms in the air in a welcoming manner. Illumi sat down.

You continued to stand because there was no obvious pillow for you to sit on. “Umm.” you scratched the back of your head before walking close to Illumi to sit. “No need for you to sit my dear, you will be leaving soon anyway.” you raised your eyebrow at that and couldn’t help but feel a chill go down your back. “W-What does that mean sir?” you ask. To your left, a small man in a lab coat walked from behind a door holding a clipboard. “We are ready sir.” he says not looking at you the entire time

“Y/N can you please go with him.” Illumi orders not even giving room for objection. You put your hand on your hip slapping away the hand the little man offered to you. “Like hell, I’m just going with Dr. Frankenstein over here without having any information!” Illumi sighed, having the audacity to look embarrassed. “You chose yourself a feisty one, my son.” Silva chuckled looking at you with a gleam in his eyes that made you thoroughly uncomfortable.”Illumi!” you warned, tapping your foot on the carpet. “More like obnoxious.” you could hear Kikyo mutter but you were too pressed with Illumi to care.

“It is understandable Illumi, I’m sure she would be more comfortable with her husband present during the examination.” You tapped your foot faster, getting anxious at the words 'examination.'

After a long pause, Illumi get’s up and follows you into the next room. This room was ordinarily dull. The floor was hardwood but the walls seemed to be adorned with expensive fabrics. “Miss if you will, can you roll up your shirt so I can draw blood.” You jerk your head at Illumi who simply looked blankly at you.

Seeing no other choice you roll up your sleeve but before the doctor could put the needle within you, you freaked out and stopped him before holding your hand out to Illumi. Illumi looked at your hand before recognition set in his eyes. He leaned forward and gave you a high-five. “My brother Killua taught me that.” You put a tight smile on your face before reaching over and grabbing the nearest object and throwing it at Illumi’s head satisfied as it hits him square in the jaw.

“No dumbass, hold my hand.” you responded. Illumi opened his mouth to say something but decided against it before taking your hand into his. Illumi’s hands were unsurprisingly cold considering how pale he was. The fingers were thin, long, and too delicate to belong to someone that takes lives for a living. You couldn’t quite help but laugh at how your skin tones concentrated so drastically, it was almost comical.

Before you knew it the blood work was done but you still didn’t let go of Illumi’s hand fearing what was to come next. “Please take off your clothes.” You Look at the doctor for a second before slowly sliding out of the chair and bolting for the door. Before you could make it you feel the neck of your vest being jerked back. “Don’t make this difficult please.” Illumi sighed.

“Hey you're not the one being asked to strip in a strange place.” Illumi shook his head, “Would you like it if I striped you instead of the doctor?” You smacked him on the back of his head, “No with your weird-ass!”

In the end, you kicked Illumi outside and found yourself propped up in a chair as the doctor took swabs in your cooter much to your discomfort. Illumi comes back in by the time you finally put your pants on and you follow him and the doctor back to the original room.

“How did it go doctor?” Silva asks and as you come closer you notice a large pillow sat out for you. “I’ll have you know my findings are quite peculiar. This woman seems to be a second nen ability within her but it’s dormant. This only happens with twins when one consumes the other.” You knew this fact, your momma always joked about how you were so hungry as a child that you ate your sister. “And what else.” Kikyo said, opening a hand fan impatient. “Is the girl barren and therefore of no use to us?!”

“Oh you won’t have to worry about Illumi’s ability to produce children, this woman is extremely fertile. In fact, I’m sure all it would take would be one time. There is also a high chance they could produce a white-haired offspring.” Your eyes widened, Kids? What the hell are they talking about, it’s been 3 days do you not get a got damn orientation? Silva held his chin in thought, “Though I do not doubt Killua’s loyalty, it’s always good to have a backup.”

You stood up and headed out the door as fast as you could, fists clenched. “Back up my ass, I ain’t having no brat with any of you people!” You walk down the hall, having no intention in mind highly doubting that you could make it to any exit without this damned family allowing you to. “Who the hell are you?” You hear a voice down the hall coming from a small boy with white hair. ‘This must be Killua.” You thought as you continued to walk past him, “A bad bitch who doesn't need no weird-ass fish-eyed man.”

Before you take another step, you hear a loud sound coming towards you, “Get out of the way!” Killua said, pushing you against the wall. There is a loud crack then footsteps, “Hello Killua.”  You heard Illumi’s monotone voice say as he comes to be in front of you. Reaching above your head, Illumi picks out one of his pins from the wall behind you. “The hell was that Illumi!’ both you and Killua yell out, pointing an accusatory finger at the man in question.

“I see you’ve met my bride.” Illumi continues ignoring the situation. “It was good to see you again, finally tired of your ‘friend’?” Killua scoffed, “No, I’m here because dad called me.” he shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets and walking away, “Hey!” you look up at Killua who had his hand raised in a wave, “Sorry for your loss.”

Illumi crowds you back into your shared room with more force than necessary. “Hey watch it!” you snap shaking your shoulder out of his grip. “You embarrassed me in front of my mother.” He replied blandly. You roll your eyes, “Well sorry for you pretty boy, but I have bigger fish to fry.” Illumi looked around the room slowly, “I swear to god if you say-” “What fish?” You groan plopping on the bed burying your face into the sheets.

In your own world, you ignore the feeling of the bed sink, but you do not ignore the crotched pressed into your ass. “What in the hell do you think your doing nigga?!’ you say not in the mood whatsoever. “What is a ni-” you swing your hand behind you and attempt to slap Illumi in the face only for him to grab it and press it into the sheets above you. You begin to feel uneasy, “What are you doing fish eyes!?” You attempt to lift your hips but he secured them with his own. “Considering the results, I say that now is a perfect time to start consummating.

[queenk00k]

but what if we were pure gold all along? jj maybank (chapter 1)

Summary: After the assumed death of their best friend, the Pogues are falling apart at the seams. With Pope and Kiara getting closer and JJ left with nowhere to go, he finds himself left to his own devices. Feeling lost and rejected, his luck seems to turn when he meets Scarlett - a Kook who doesn’t treat him like shit and has an affinity for partying. JJ gets sucked into her world as she promises to help him forget.

How much longer can he keep running from his demons? And what happens when he starts sharing a bed with one?

Warnings: depictions of violence, child abuse, angst, sexual content, drug use, underage drinking.

Author’s note: Hi all, this is my multi-chapter fic I’ve been working on. My oneshots & Rafe series have taken off so I thought it was time to share this one too. Let me know what you think!

Word count: 1.7K

READ THE PROLOGUE HERE

the one where pogue promises are bullshit

“You mean she can’t hang out with us at all?” JJ asks Pope over cereal late the next morning. It feels almost insulting to John B to be doing something so irritatingly normal but hey, a boy’s gotta eat and he sure as shit won’t be getting breakfast at home.

“Nope. Parents got her on lockdown,” Pope answers solemnly. “They freaked out after the whole running from the cops thing. Not to mention, they’re not keen on Kie ending up like…” Pope trails off as JJ looks up at him sharply.

“They could still be alive man. We don’t know.”

JJ’s sure Pope looks at him with pity as he replies, “Maybe. But I mean, JJ, the Phantom in that storm…Shoupe said it himself, they took an open boat into a tropical depression. I just don’t see how they could still be a-alive.” Pope chokes on the word alive as if it were poison and he sucks in a deep breath as tears fall down his cheeks and JJ can’t take it anymore. He pushes back his chair, the metal legs scraping against the floorboards as JJ rises from the table abruptly.

“I’m going out,” he says as he feels the walls closing in and he just needs to get outside before its too overwhelming and goddamnit he’s sick of crying, will it stop sometime soon?

“JJ-“ Pope starts to rise from his chair but JJ waves a hand at him to sit back down, not looking directly at Pope in case, God forbid, he sees just how broken JJ feels.

“Nah man, it’s fine. I just need some weed. I’ll see you later.”

And with that, JJ makes his way out the front door alone, his feet heavy and his heart heavier still.

JJ’s been staying at Pope’s house for a week now and he can’t help but think he’s the only one struggling. He still hasn’t seen or spoken to Kie who, according to Pope, is still on strict lockdown, and Pope has thrown himself into studying and finding loopholes for other scholarships that would let him interview. This leaves JJ with not much to do but wander aimlessly, not going too far just in case his dad decides to come looking for him.

Pope joins him on the back porch one night where, despite strict orders from Heyward to not get up to any mischief in his house, JJ is surreptitiously pulling on a joint, the smoke curling outwards into the un-seasonally cool evening.  

“Mind if I take a hit?”

Lost in his thoughts, JJ jumps at the unexpected interruption. “Shit man, you scared me. Sorry, I know your dad said not to get up to anything but I just feel like garbage and –“

“Nah, I know. I get it. Pass it here,” Pope replies, sitting down next to JJ on the worn steps. JJ passes him the blunt, the corner of his eyes crinkling in a rare smile.

“Coming back to the dark side, are you?” After Pope’s outburst around the time John B and Sarah went missing, he vowed not to get like that again.

Pope coughed as he blew out the smoke. “Ha, no. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

JJ takes the used stub and crushes it under his boot. “Uh oh. That’s never good.”

“It’s fine. More than fine. They’re letting me interview for the scholarship position again.”

“You’re kidding. Bro, that’s awesome,” JJ replies sincerely, clapping his calloused hand on Pope’s shoulder. “I mean it. Good for you. How did you manage to convince them?’

Pope smiles at him. “I told them about John B and Sarah. They figured two friends going missing at sea counted as ‘extenuating circumstances’.”

“Extenuating?”

“Means they agree it was fucked up and they’re letting me off the hook.”

“Hmm. Well, that’s great man.” JJ smiles. “Why did you want to talk to me about it this way?”

Pope sighs. “I’m just preparing you. I’m gonna be pretty busy trying to figure out how to answer their questions. I wanted you to know now so you don’t think I’m trying to ditch you.”

JJ nods solemnly. “I appreciate it. Thanks.”

Pope stares at him for a moment. “Do you think your dad is gonna come looking for you?”

“I don’t think he’ll try anything with your dad around.” JJ scoffs. “I’m pretty sure he was always scared of him.”

Pope nods and before he gets a chance to reply, his phone lights up with a new text and he steals a glance. JJ is sure he looks happy about whatever it was.

“Hey, I gotta head out and pick my dad up. Are you good here?”

“Yeah man, I’ll see you later.”

Pope claps him on the back as he bounds down the steps and in the darkness, leaving JJ alone to battle with his conflicting emotions.

On one hand, he’s overjoyed at the prospect of at least one of them having a decent future, considering his was pretty shot to bits and he had no idea what Kie was thinking, but on the other hand…on the other hand, JJ couldn’t help but feel jealous and a little hurt that Pope had something else to focus on other than the fact that one of his best friends was dead.

JJ remains sitting outside for longer than he realises, contemplating rolling another joint to keep him company and scuffing his boot in the dirt, willing himself to stop feeling so fucking emotional all the time.

__

After a while, JJ is brought out of his own head a second time as the sound of the front door closing causes him to jerk his head up.

JJ stands and makes his way through the back door, stopping abruptly when he realises he can hear Pope’s parents voices, but not Pope himself.

JJ gets the sinking feeling that Pope was lying to him, and he edges forward to make out what the hushed voices were arguing about.

“….and the longer he’s here, the more danger we’re putting our son in.”

“What do you suggest we do then? You know we can’t let him go back home. That boat was his father’s and I know what Luke is capable of. I’m worried for the boy.”

“He can’t stay here…”

“Last time I checked, Luke was scared shitless of me and-“

“You’re not 30 anymore baby, and he’s unpredictable - he could have a gun. JJ needs to leave, go into foster care or something, but he’s not staying here whilst we risk our family.”

A loud, resigned sigh. “Fine, I’ll talk to the boy.”

JJ’s heart races and he breathes heavily, nostrils flared and hands curled into fists. He turns slowly towards the back door, opening it quietly, praying that Pope’s parents don’t hear him leaving, their words echoing in his ears.

“…the longer he’s here, the more danger we’re putting our son in.”

“He can’t stay here…”

“…he needs to leave…”

JJ kicks the wheelbarrow as he crosses the yard, out of anger or fear he’s not quite sure, and ignores the searing pain in his foot. He was used to feeling like a burden, so why did this hurt so much? He wanted to be angry at Pope’s family, and he figured he was a little bit, but he also understood. He wouldn’t want to put Pope in any more danger than he already had.

JJ rounds the corner and runs straight into Pope, who has the decency to look a bit ashamed of himself. JJ can’t help himself as he narrows his eyes.

“Picking your dad up, huh? What were you really up to?”

Pope opens his mouth to stammer out a response but before he can come up with another excuse, JJ notices something in the glow of the street light.

JJ curses and moves Pope’s collar to reveal a dark purple bruise. Pope’s eyes widen as he steps back, faltering under JJ’s cool gaze.

“Is that a hickey?” JJ manages to ask through gritted teeth, his jaw clenching. “Have you been sneaking off to see Kiara?” JJ’s angry, sure, but he’s also hurt because why doesn’t Kiara want to see him and why is Pope lying to him and why does nobody want him?

Pope clears his throat. “I’m sorry man, we’ve just started going out and she needs me and-“

“You’re going out now?”

“I mean yeah, she did kiss me and everything and it just kind of escalated from there-“

“And what about ‘she needs me?’ What about me, bro? What happened to us Pogues sticking together?”

“JJ, I’m sorry man, Kie’s parents don’t want her seeing you and I don’t want her getting into any more trouble-“

JJ interrupts again as he shoves Pope away from him, his blue eyes icy as he struggles to contain his anger. “Yeah man, whatever, I get it.”

JJ stalks past Pope, muttering “unbelievable” under his breath and heading straight for his bike.

“JJ, please,” Pope starts but JJ holds up a hand to silence him, as he hops on his bike and speeds away without looking back.

Pogues don’t leave each other behind, huh? Bullshit, he thinks as he speeds away.

__

JJ finds his way to The Chateau without even thinking, almost as if muscle memory brought him here. He stops his bike out front and heads inside, smiling tersely at the fondness he feels for the place. When his own home wasn’t safe enough, which was often, he felt most at home here with his friends, stealing food from John B and crashing on the futon after keggers.

His throat burns at the thought of John B, at the thought of the Pogues, at the thought of the fact that Pope’s been screwing Kiara and lying to him about it and why the hell is that their priority right now?

JJ walks slowly down the hallway, noticing how the place has been completely trashed and stripped bare thanks to those square groupers and now the cops. God, all of that seems like centuries ago. How did they manage to end up here?

JJ barely makes it to the back of the house before a familiar voice makes him stop in his tracks and his blood run cold.

“Boy, if you’re in here I swear to God I’m going to kill you!”

JJ gulps.

Looks like dad came looking for me after all.

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[chickensarentcheap]

Sanctuary- Chapter 27

Warnings: mention of depression, anxiety, brain issues

Tagging: @innerpaperexpertcloud, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @thorsbathroomchicken

The dream is always the same.  He's clad in his tactical gear, full armed, cautiously creeping down a narrow, dimly lit hallway. Debris snapping and popping under the soles of his boots. All of his senses on high alert.  The near deafening pounding of his own heart, a maddening, agonizing pulsating in his brain, sweat beading across his forehead, trickling down his temples, gathering at the back of his neck. He can hear her; crying, speaking through sobs, calling out to him. Begging for him to help her. To find her.

“I'm right here, Tyler. Why can't you see me? What can't you find me?”

With each door he kicks in, he finds an empty room behind it. Her voice growing faint; further away when though he knows he should be getting closer. Panic sets in. Time is running out. The clock is ticking: an excruciating sound, like an amplified, continuous drip of a leaky faucet. And with each step he takes, the hallway becomes even longer. Darker.

She continues to call for him; begging for help. And her tone becomes more urgent. Desperate. Full of terror. The pleading is unbearable. Heartbreaking. Yet despite his best efforts...the doors he busts down...the rooms searched...he still can't find her. The closer he gets, the further she becomes out of reach. Until she lets out out a single blood curdling scream.

And then silence.

He jerks awake, bolting into a sit.  The dream always ends the same. He never finds her despite his best efforts. Just that one scream and then nothing. Just darkness. The feeling of immense loss and guilt.

His chest is painfully tight and he struggles to catch his breath. His entire body covered in sweat. He's nauseous. Dizzy. The all too common signs of a panic attack. In the past two years they've been few and far between, but within the last week they'd shown signs of returning. The moment that he'd had the dream again -the first in several months- he'd known the attacks were inevitable. And he curses himself being weak.

For being damaged.

In the top drawer of the nightstand is a wide array of prescription meds; drugs he needs just to make it through the day. Anti-inflammatories for the arthritis, hard core pain relievers, Ativan for the anxiety. The latter is the one that he reaches for, struggling to open the bottle with trembling hand;  resorting to using his teeth to twist open the lid and then dumping half a dozen of the pills into his mouth.  Waiting for them to fully dissolve under his tongue before dropping the bottle back into the drawer.

It takes several minutes to even begin to feel any effects, and he sits on the edge of the bed, bare feet planted firmly on the floor. Desperately needing to feel ground. An attachment to the here and now. The reminder that it had all in fact just been big, horrible dream. His eyes are closed as he listens to her soft, rhythmic breathing behind him. It's comforting; being able to hear her, being able to confirm...with all certainty...that she is right here with him, safe and sound.  In the same position he always finds her when he wakes up in the middle of the night: flat on her stomach with all the blankets pulled over her head and only her toes poking out at the bottom.

His knees audibly cracks as he stands. A grimace on his face as he fetches a bottle of water from the mini bar across the door, downing half as he stands in front of the sliding glass door. The sun is just starting to appear on the horizon; hues of pink and gold painting the sky. In several hours he will be meeting Michael McMann. Under the guise of updating him on where they stand on actually getting the information they need to even attempt an extraction. He'll try to break him.  Coerce him or threaten him into coughing up that information that Tyler knows for certain the man is holding back. There's so much he isn't telling him; secrets that he isn't ready to share, confessions he isn't ready to give.  Time is running out. It's been two weeks since those kids were taken. Fourteen days since they were snatched from the warm and security of their own beds.  Hours of agonizing torture, fear, and pain that they'd had to endure.  The longer time drags on, the less likely they will be found alive. He knows that.  He knows how the game is played. The more time that passes where the captors don't get what they want, the less time those kids have on earth.

He journeys into the bathroom; splashing cold water on his face, dragging wet hands through his hair as he heads back out into the sleeping quarters, once more perching himself upon the edge of the bed. The ache is in chest is starting to subside. He can breathe normally again. The nausea and the dizziness finally dissipating.

“Tyler?” her voice is soft and groggy behind him, and her hears the rustle of the sheets as she rolls over onto her side.  Feels her hand as she presses it against the small of his back. “What's wrong? Are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” he assures her.

“Pain?” she inquires, and he nods.

“Just my shoulder,” he lies. “Must have fallen asleep on it the wrong way.”

The mattress dips slightly as she moves again; and through the reflection in the window, he watches as she pushes her messy hair away from her face and tucks it behind her ears, yawning loudly as she waddles on her knees towards him.  Her lips pressing against the nape of his neck, her fingers and thumbs digging into his shoulders. She knows all of the spots on his body; five and a half years is more than enough time to commit them all to memory.  Those places that hurt the most and find the most relief when she manipulates and massages them. And the ones that drive him absolutely insane with want and need.

“You should be asleep,” he says, eyes closing one more, head falling forward as she digs her thumbs into his trap muscles.

“So should you,” she counters.  “Just your shoulder?”

He nods.

“I guess that can be considering a good night,” she says, as those hands work at getting out all the knots and tension. His muscles painfully tight under her fingers. The side effect of always carrying the weight of others' burdens.

“I guess,” he agrees, and groans...a mixture of both relief and pain...when she hits a particularly tender spot. It's agonizing but soothing at the same time; the way the knots come undone and warmth spreads through the muscles as they slowly relax.  

“This has to end,” she says, as her hands now travel across his shoulders. Movements slow, thumbs doing all the work.  “You have to stop doing this to yourself, Tyler. You have to stop worrying about complete strangers and their problems.  You have to stop taking on so much. There are other people, you know. Other mercenaries. You don't have to be the one that Nik relies on all the time.”

“This wasn't really Nik's call. He came to me, remember.  He asked for my help.”

“You should have told him to fuck himself. To find someone else.  You'd just gotten home.  You should have just said no.”

“What's the saying? Hindsight is twenty-twenty? It's too late to worry about now. I'm here. I took the job on. There's nothing I can do about it now.”

“We can go home. We can get on the first available flight and just get the hell out of here.  We can go home to our kids and have a normal life. Or whatever kind of normal we can come up with. Wouldn't that be nice? To have some semblance of normal? Where we can just enjoy being married and raising kids together? Where we're actually together instead of spending so much time apart?”

“This isn't about not wanting that. About not wanting to be with you or my kids. You know that. He asked for my help. I said I would do this.”

“That was before you knew how screwed up it actually is. When you thought it was just going to be as simple as getting the wife and getting the hell out of there. That was before all this other bullshit. It's gone way beyond anything like that now, Tyler. So far beyond it. It was bad enough when it was just the IRA.  Now all of this stuff has come to light...”

“We're too far into this now.  We're too deep. We can't back out now. And you know it.”

“We can. We can just say fuck it and leave. Is it really worth it, Tyler? Is it really worth risking everything? I know it's kids. And I know that makes you want to do this even more.  You think you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you just leave them there.”

“I wouldn't be able to. Because every time I look at my own kids, I'd think about the ones I left behind to die.”

“You don't know if that's going to happen,” she gently argues, concentrating now on his surgically repaired shoulder.  “This could all be just a bunch of bullshit. Revenge. Wife versus husband. You don't know if she's really going to escalate this.  There's no way she's that evil. That any mother...whether they carried those babies inside of them or not...would be that big of a monster.  Why not just send someone else in? Just to get her. Make her talk. Make her tell them where the kids are.”

“You've seen the pictures. You've seen what she's told other people to do. To her kids. So she is a monster. Do you really think she would have gone this far if she didn't intend on taking it the entire way? After what you've seen, what you know about her family, do you honestly think she won't kill those kids? Or have them killed?”

Esme sighs.

“There's no turning back. There's no getting out of this. I know it. You know it.”

“I'm just...” her voice shakes. “...I'm just so fucking sick of this. I'm sick of seeing you do this. Seeing you walk out the door and having no guarantee you're going to walk back in.”

“That can happen any time. I can walk out the door and get hit by a truck crossing the street.”

“That would be a freak accident. Not you putting yourself at risk. Not you willingly sacrificing yourself for other people. People who don't even give a shit if you live or die.  I need this to end, Tyler. I need this life to end. I am just so sick of it. I'm sick of worrying about you constantly. I'm sick of trying to hold everything together when it feels like it is all falling apart. Of trying to explain to your kids where you are and if you're coming back.”

“You knew what you were getting into,” he reminds her.

“No. I didn't. You put this on me, remember? You went back to the job all on your own. You made the decision for the both of us.  You didn't even talk to me about it.  I was pregnant. With your sons.  I was six months pregnant and having issues with them and you took it upon yourself to get back into the game. And don't...” she presses extra hard into the painful spot at the bottom of his shoulder blade. “...don't you  dare even throw 'we needed the money' into this. You took it for granted that I'd be okay with it.”

“Esme...” he sighs. “...I do not want to fight.”

“I'm not fighting”! She snaps, then bites down on her bottom lip in an attempt to control her temper. “I am not fighting.  You had your chance to talk. About the things that you're worried about. About the things that are scaring you. Well now I need the chance. I need you to listen to me. I don't need excuses. I don't need you arguing with me. I don't need you trying to invalidate how I feel just because it makes you feel uncomfortable to hear it.”

“I don't do that. I don't...”

“You do,” she insists. “And I know you don't mean it. I know you don't even realize what you're saying it and how it makes me feel. But I need you to listen, Tyler,” her hands rest on his shoulders as she presses her face into the back of his head. “...please...I just need you to hear me.”

The pain in her voice is heartbreaking. Eating away to his very soul. “Okay,”  he says. “Tell me. Talk to me. Let me hear you. Help me hear you.”

“I am so angry at you,” she admits.  “And I don't want to be angry at you. That's the last thing I want. Because I don't want you walking out the door and the last thing you remember is me being pissed off. I don't want the last thing I ever say to you being something I said while I was angry.  I don't want that on my mind for the rest of my life. That I let you walk out the door thinking I hated you.”

He simply nods, watching her reflection in the glass. The tears that pool in her eyes, the way her lower lip quivers. And he can hear her shaky breaths and the way her hands tremble as they rest on his shoulders. She needs this. This moment. A chance to finally unload everything that's been weighing her down for the past five and a half years.  And she deserves it. After everything she'd given up for him. After having her life so drastically altered.  After everything she'd seen that day on the Sultana Kamal Bridge.

Love is beautiful. But it's also painful as hell.  

“You never should have done what you did,” she continues. “When you decided to go back to the job without at least telling me about it. I should have been able to at least try and reason with you. I wouldn't have been able to talk you out of it, but you should have at least given me the chance to try.  And you know made it worse? It was when you did it.  When I'm pregnant with your twin boys and I'm going through hell trying to keep them alive inside of me. When I needed you to stay home.  I needed you there. I needed you with me. I didn't just have babies inside of me. I had Millie to worry about too. And she was still practically a baby! You left, Tyler. You made a huge decision that impacted all of us and you left two days later! Like what the fuck?! Of all the times I needed you...well and truly needed you...you took off and you were thousands of miles away. And I was terrified you were never coming back and I'd be stuck raising three kids on my own. That I'd have to have those babies all by myself and you'd never seen even get to meet them or see Millie again. She would never have remembered you. She was too young.”

He remains silent, but brings his hands up to rest on hers.

“And I hated myself for feeling all of that. For being so angry with you. For still holding onto it. But this....all of this bullshit...it's just digging it all up and it's going to kill me if I keep it inside. And I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm not saying these things to hurt you, Tyler.”

“I know,” he assures her, his fingers brushing against hers.

“And I hate that I'm so self conscious all the time. About you and Nik.”

“I already told you...”

“I know it's in the past.  I know it wasn't serious. At least on your end of things. But at the same time, you're around her all the time. Sometimes you spend more time with her than you do with me.  And I worry that maybe...I don't know...that maybe you'll feel something for her and you'll be thousands of miles away and lonely and you won't be able to stop. Or you won't want to stop.”

“Esme...” he laces their fingers together, brings them to his mouth and presses a kiss to the inside of her wrist. “...listen to me.  That is never going to happen. I feel nothing for her. She's my friend. My boss. That's all. I don't want her. I only want you. For the rest of my life.”

“How can you know that? How can you know for sure?”

“Do you know for sure that you don't want to be with anyone else? What about your ex? He's coming around now. How do you know for sure that you won't turn around one day and want to be with him?”

“Because I don't want anyone else. I only want you.  That's never going to change.”

“Exactly. In the same way it's never going to change for me. This is it for me. You're it for me. And you need to trust when I say that. Okay? Just trust me. Can you do that?”

She nods.

“What else?” he asks. “You were on a roll there.”

“Don't make me feel bad,” she pleads, as she rests her chin on his shoulder. “It's hard enough saying all of this without you making me feel bad about it.”

“I'm not trying to make you feel bad.  There's things you need to say and they're the things I need to hear. Whether I like hearing them or not.”

“I want you take that job. The one Nik offered you.  I know I'll never convince you to get out of the job all together. It's a lost cause. But if you take this offer, you're home more.  There's way less danger. You heard what Nik said. That you'd only have to go out in the field if you were desperately needed. And I feel so much better if that was the case. If you just went to work and came home all in the same day.  And so would the kids. They love having you home.  I love having you home. Being able to sleep in the same bed with you every night. And if we're going to have another baby, I need you home. Four is hard enough. But five? What if it turns into six? I mean, we weren't expecting twins the first time either.”

“Yeah...” he chuckles. “...that was a little...unexpected.”

“I thought you were going to pass out,” she recalls. “Your face went so white. I was worried someone would have to pick you up off the floor.”

“We went in there expecting one. We ended up seeing two. Of everything. I was a little...”

“Spooked?”

“Yeah...” he grins. “....spooked.”

“And then you got over it and you spent eight months with that goofy ass grin on your face. So proud of yourself for what you'd done.  Like it was some huge feat and not just five minutes you had to spare,” she's grinning as she presses a kiss to his cheek.

“Would you piss off with this five minutes? When has it ever lasted only five minutes?”

“Okay. So maybe it was ten minutes,” she teases.

He snorts.

“There's been times you've been drunk and it's only been ten. Fifteen at the most.  I don't know what the big deal is. That's about thirteen minutes more than my ex on his best night.”

“Jesus Christ...” he shakes his head. “...there's some things  I don't need to know.”

“I thought that would make you happy. Knowing he's a two pump chump and you can go all night if I'd let you.”

“You know what would make me happy? If he'd fuck off and go back to the states and I never have to see him again.”

“I'm sorry,” she frowns. “That just blew up in my face. That is not what he agreed to. He was supposed to send someone. Not show up himself. I'll find a way to keep him away from you. More for his own good than yours. Just so you don't snap and beat the shit out of him. Which....I agree...he deserves,” she presses a kiss to the side of his neck, lips against that thick scar left behind from Dhaka. It's not as hard for her anymore; seeing it.  The reminder no longer as harsh. Not bringing back the same level of terror that it once did.

Her hand is on his shoulder as she moves to his side, curling an arm around his waist, resting her chin against his upper arm.  “I don't want you going alone. To see McMann.”

“I don't have a choice.  Who would I take with me? Yaz? He was made too. Someone will recognize him. And you can't tag along because if someone sees us together....”

She sighs heavily, and he drop a kiss on the top of her head and wraps his around her shoulders, drawing her tight against him.

“It'll be okay,” he assures her.  

“How do you know that he isn't on this? That this is really isn't some big game to get you alone? That this isn't tied to you in some way? That he isn't out for revenge?”

“I have zero ties to him. Or his wife. Or the IRA. Not even remote ties. I had no idea who the hell he was until now. And I'd remember that. If I ever crossed paths with him on the job.”

“Well if it happened before Dhaka and there's other things you forgot....”

“I forgot how to hold a fork and how to brush my own teeth. I forgot what happened in the last ten minutes on bridge. I don't forget other things. I'm not brain damaged.”

There'd been a fear of that. That the loss of blood and lack of oxygen during the times he had flat line d in the operating room could lead to issues.  Problems with fine motor skills.  Short term memory. A regression with cognitive skills.  And for a few months afterwards he'd struggled to even do the simple things.  Near constant tremors in his hands, weakness on the left side.  Frustrated with that he considered a lack of progress.  Wanting desperately to even half the man that he was before. Even a fraction of that man. The one that Esme had started to fall in love with in that dirty hotel room in Dhaka.

“I know that. And I'm not saying you are. Just maybe some things aren't as clear as they used to be. Maybe you did cross paths with him somewhere. Even briefly. Or maybe he knows you from someone else you pissed off. But Tyler...” she sighs, kisses his shoulder. “...I don't trust him. And I don't think you do either.”

“I don't. But I don't have much of a choice on how to handle this, do I. I can't take you along because if we're seen together, that totally fucks everything up.  I can't take Yaz because he'll be recognized. I have to do this alone. And I know you don't think I can't handle this...”

“I never said that, Tyler. I never even insinuated that. But if this is a trap...if he has five or ten or even more guys waiting...you won't stand much of a chance.  There has to be someone that can help. That can just keep an eye on things.”

“I'll be fine,” he insists, and turns his face into hers, lips against her cheek.  “I promise you. I'll be fine.”

“I need you to come back to me, Tyler Rake. I need you. I need my husband. My kids need their father.”

“I know,” he says, placing a hand alongside the side of her face and turning her head towards him. “It's going to be okay,” he assures her, covering her lips with his in long, soft kiss.  Then rests his forehead against hers. “You need to trust me. I know what I'm doing.”

“It's not you I don't trust. It's him. Just be careful, okay? Don't let your guard down. Not for one second. Don't even start to trust him because the second you start to trust him...”

He silences her with a kiss.  Even longer this time. More passion to it. His fingers pressing into her cheek.  “I know what I'm doing,” he insists. “Not a rookie, remember?”

“No. You're not,” she agrees. “But you are my husband. You are the love of my life. The father of my kids. And believe it or not, I don't want anything happening to you. Remember that whole 'until death do us part' stuff? I meant when we were old and gray and we've had a long life together and we got to have grand-kids and maybe even great grand-kids.  Because five and a half years is not enough. Not even close to it.”

****

“Hello?” that tiny voice answers the phone on the third ring.  In the background he can hear the familiar signs of early morning life in the Rake house: the twins bickering,  the baby shrieking and babbling,  the dog barking. It's hectic and chaotic, but it's his hectic and chaotic.  

And despite the numerous times he'd often bitch and moan about the level of noise and the inability to even get one day to sleep in, he misses it.  He misses those little things that come with having a family to take care of and provide for. The sound of the kids' feet pounding up the stairs as they raced to see who would beat getting to wake him up first.  The way those little bodies would all jump on the bed and he'd be showered with hugs and kisses before the kids would insist on the morning ritual of rough housing and tickle fights.  The breakfasts he would make, the lunches and snacks he'd prepare, the backpacks he'd put together for the day,  those drives into town when all three of the older ones would  want the music as loud as they could stand it, windows  down so they could stick their arms out and feel the wind against their palms.  The   weekends when the entire family would pile into one bed and they'd all enjoy some quiet, lazy times together.  When he would lie back and marvel about how far he's actually come; the roads he'd had to travel, the battles he'd fought, all the blood, sweat and tears he'd shed just to get where he is.

“Hey,” he greets. “How goes it?”

“Daddy”! Millie shrieks, and soon the twins are gathered around the phone and all three are trying to talk at the same time. Excited tales about everything they've been up to in the twelve hours that have passed since the last time he called home to check on things.  Sparing no detail as they talk about going on a hike and picnic with Ovi and Chloe, going into the town for ice cream and pizza with Auntie Nik, grandma letting them sleep in a tent in the backyard (with her supervising, of course).  

Tears prick his eyes and emotion chokes at him.  The sounds of their voices -so thrilled to be hearing from him-, the expressions he imagines on their little faces, how pure and innocent they are. They don't question why Nik is there. Why there's armed guards walking the perimeters and sleeping in the living room.  None of that matters to them.   All they want is to talk to him, to hear his voice, to make sure that he's okay.

“I love you guys,” he says, clearing his throat noisily, taking a sip of coffee from the carry out cup sitting in the SUV's drink holder. “I love you guys so much.”  He never thought he could love that much. That unconditional love that is so overwhelming and so all consuming that sometimes it's physically painful.

“I love you, daddy!” the twins call back in unison, and then are spirited away from the phone by a grandma anxious to keep them on a routine.

“I miss you daddy,” Millie says.  “I miss you lots.”

He grins. “How much is lots?”

“Lots and lots. Lots and lots times one billion.”

“That's a lot.  I miss you lots and lots too. Lots and lots times two billion.”

She giggles at that.  “I'm sorry, daddy.  I didn't mean what I said. I didn't mean to be a bad girl. When I said that I hate you.”

“You weren't being a bad girl. You were just angry. You were mad at me because I broke my promise. It's okay, Millie.”

“You're not mad at me?”

“I was never mad at you.”

“You don't hate me?”

“I could never hate you. Ever. You were just angry at me.  People say things when they're angry. I say a lot of things I don't mean when I'm upset. But it doesn't mean I mean to say them.”

“I didn't mean what I said,” she sounds close to tears. “When I said never to come home. Because I miss you and I wish you were coming home right now. I wish you were already home. So you could tuck me in and read me bed time stories and make me pancakes with bananas on them and do my hair for me.”

Sniffling noisily, he reaches under his sunglasses to clear away the tears that now nestle on his cheeks. “I wish I was home right now too.  So we could do all those things together. And we could camp out in the backyard and look for turtles and frogs in the creek. And go for ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream.”

“Bubblegum ice cream?”

“You're going to get tired of that one day.”

“Never,” she declares. “Did you find the kids yet? The little girl and the little boy?”

“Not yet, baby girl. But I'm close.”

“Are you going to catch the bad guys? Are you going to hurt them?”

“Only if I have to. I have to get the kids out. That's all that matters.”

“So you can get them home to their mommy and their daddy?”

“Yup. That's exactly it.”

“You'd come and look for me right, daddy? If someone took me?”

“In a heartbeat. Nothing would stop me from looking for you.  And I'd find you. You know that, yeah?”

“I know you would.”

“That's never going to happen though,” he assures her. “No one is ever going to take you. You don't have to worry about that. No bad guys are going to get to you. Or your brothers. Okay? I promise you. Nothing like that is ever going to happen.”

“To mommy either? I don't want mommy going missing either.”

“Your mommy is safe, I promise. She's safe here with me. And we'll both be home soon.”

“How soon?”

“As soon as I find those kids and take them home.  As soon as I do that, mommy and I will be home. And then we can do all the things that I promised we'd do the last time I got home. And even more stuff.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. I know you can't see it, but you put up your baby finger on the phone and I'll put mine on my phone and we'll do a pinky promise. Sound good?”

“Sounds good,” she agrees. “Now? Do it now?”

“Do it now,” he says, and presses his baby finger against the phone screen.

“Pinky promise!” Millie exclaims, and then giggles. “I love you, daddy. I love you bunches. Tons of bunches.”

“I love you too. You be good, okay? No more beating up your brother. On any of your brothers.”

“He deserved it.”

Tyler grins. “Did he? Because from what I heard, you just went off on him for no reason and kicked the shit out of him.”

“That's a bad word,” she whispers. “Do you want me to put a quarter in the swear jar?”

“Put your whole allowance in. I've been saying a lot of bad words lately.”

“That's not good, daddy. You shouldn't say bad words either! But he did deserve  it. Tyler deserves to get his ass beat.”

“Amelia...”

“His butt beat, I mean.  He was looking at me funny.”

“That's not a reason to beat up your brother. To beat up anyone. I don't want to get any phone calls about fights, okay? If he looks at you funny...”

“I'll tell him he's ugly and smells funny.”

“You and him look almost exactly alike, so...”

“He does smell funny though. All boys smell funny. Even you daddy. When you get upstairs from the gym.”

“One day you'll meet a boy that won't smell,” he promises.

“As if! I'm staying single. Forever.”

“I thought you wanted a husband and eight kids?”

“Not anymore. I'm becoming a feminish.”

He can't help but laugh. “It's feminist.”

“However you say it, that's what I'm becoming. I don't need no man. Auntie Nik says there's a lot of really strong and beautiful women that don't have men and don't need them.  Mommy is definitely not a feminist.”

“Well not by those standards she's not.”  Through the rear view mirror he watches as a dark gray sedan pulls up behind him. The driver giving him a small nod in greeting before killing the ignition and climbing out from behind the wheel. “I have to go, Millie. I've got to start looking for those kids. I'll call later okay?”

“Okay, daddy. I hope you find them.”

“I hope so too. I love you.  Tell your brothers I love them. That mommy does too.”

“I will,” she promises, and then disconnects the call.

The passenger door pops open just as Tyler slips his cell phone into the side pocket of his pants, not speaking as the other man climbs in and does up his seat belt.

“You're the last person I expected to hear from,” Mark smirks. “We didn't exactly leave things on good terms. What's going on?”

It's time, Tyler thinks. Time to swallow your pride.

“I need your help.”

[seungminty]

For granted //Jisung

words: 2.1k

genre: a n g s t 

It’s 1am and I’m trash for angst and Jisung, enjoy.

-mads <3

part 2

Friday, 11:54pm

I sighed when I saw the time as I checked my phone yet again. Struggling to keep my eyes open, I mindlessly clicked on another episode of Brooklyn 99, snuggling deeper into my blanket in an attempt to distract myself from the tears that were slowly gathering at the corners of my eyes. Jisung had said he would facetime me after rehearsals, but after 4 hours of radio silence, I was quickly losing hope. 

Not like I should be surprised.

This had become a regular occurrence in our relationship throughout the past few months; I’d plan dates, he’d cancel them. We’d hang out, he’d work the whole time. We’d argue, he’d come back a few days later, full of flowers and apologies, and I’d fall for him all over again. 

Don’t get me wrong, of course I knew that dating an idol would bring challenges, especially since Stray Kids were so well-known, as well as being self-producing. And for a while, we actually made it work. Yeah, Jisung worked most of the time, but I was also busy with college and my waitressing job. However, we always found time for each other, even if it was just Jisung popping into the cafe to give me lunch, or a pizza night with the boys. 

So yeah, I knew it would be hard, just not... not this hard. 

It wasn't like he’d gotten busier, he was always busy, so was I, but he just didn't make the effort anymore. Every time he cancelled on me to hang with the boys or ignored my good morning texts, my heart broke just a little bit more. We’d argue about his newfound attitude often, but it seemed to tear me apart far more than it did him. Before I could fully explain the extent of the loneliness I felt inside, he would cut me off and accuse me of being too clingy, with many insults thrown in too. He would later blame his foul words on stress, but I had heard that excuse so many times I didn't know what to believe anymore. One thing was certain, though, Jisung had changed. We had changed. I wasn't a priority anymore, and it was destroying me. 

 There had always been a small part of me that still believed this was just a phase, that we could go back to the old us. But I soon realized that that was impossible. I knew that Jisung still loved me, and I knew that he still had a heart of gold, but I couldn't figure out for the life of me why he didn't want to invest time in us anymore.

I guess we're just on different paths now. 

I was suddenly pulled from my depressing train of thought by my phone. Jisung’s name on my phone screen had become such a rare sight that I stared at my lock screen for several seconds before actually reading the text.

Sorry went to the studio after practice and lost track of time.

The studio. That damn studio. 

It was once a place filled up with happy memories, memories of Jisung giddily showing me a hook he’d finally perfected, or lyrics that he’d say I inspired him to write, which always caused both our cheeks to tint pink.

But now, it was the place my boyfriend chose over me, time and time again. I always admired his passion for music, and the last thing I wanted was to be one of those annoying girlfriends who want their boyfriend to only ever spend time with her, but was it really so bad that I wanted my boyfriend to make me feel important every once in a while?

These were the thoughts circulating in my head as I quickly pulled on my shoes and walked out the door towards the studio. By this point, I was so hurt and confused, I didn't have the faintest idea of what I was going to say to Jisung, I just knew that I had to see him. I had to make the pain stop.

I arrived at the studio sooner than I had expected, and a quick glance at the clock above the desk in the darkened reception area revealed that it was a little past 1am.

Wow, what a fun way to be spending your Friday night, y/n.

I sighed as I stood outside his studio door, doing my best to prepare myself for what was to come, whatever the hell that was.

Eventually, I plucked up the courage to open the door, and it creaked open agonisingly slowly to reveal a mop of tangled blonde hair, slumped at a mixing board. I walked up to him, thinking he was asleep, and was about to wake him up when he suddenly spun around towards me, eyes wide and mouth agape, clearly startled by my visit.

“Hey” he stated, his voice deep with exhaustion.

“Oh, hey” I managed to breathe out, my mouth had become dry the moment I walked in, like my subconscious knew that something big was going to go down tonight. 

We remained in an awkward silence for a while, none of us knowing how to react to this new dynamic. Life was Jisung was never quiet, ever. 

“I’m sorry.” He said suddenly. 

I looked him properly in the eyes for the first time that night, and I couldn't hide the puzzled expression on my face.

“Oh...uh, what for? It was just a facetime call, no biggie.”

No biggie? Really? Not like you wallowed in your sadness while finishing off a whole damn tub of ice cream, y/n.

Jisung looked even more shocked than me now, shaking his head and laughing lightly before speaking again.

“Oh, ok that’s fine then. Thought I missed a date or something like that. So how come you’re here then, shouldn’t you be asleep?”.

Even though I had played it off as nothing earlier, I still felt my heart sink at his statement. There was a time when Jisung would've apologised a hundred times over for forgetting to text me goodnight, now he’s so distant he doesn’t even really know what he’s apologising for.

“I, I uh, I just wanted to see you, and I don’t know, have a chat about stuff?” My words came out more like a question, and I cringed at how awkward it sounded. Jisung sighed, running his hands down his face.

“I guess, but I’ve still got this guide track to finish and its getting late, maybe some other time yeah?” He said, already turning back round in his chair.

“No, Jisung, I need to talk, and you need to listen to me,” I stated, my voice so loud that it startled both of us. 

“Right... Y-yeah sure y/n, um... what’s up?” He gulped, wide-eyed and still taken aback by my tone. I was never really one to raise my voice, but I was desperate now, trying to stitch up our fractured love before it disappeared forever.

But then, I realised. I don't think there’s any love left to fix.

I took a deep breath, trying my hardest to steel my nerves before saying the words I vowed I never would.

“Ji, this isn’t working. We... we aren’t working anymore.”

Those words hung Over the silent room like a thick black veil, suffocating me, and as I hesitantly looked at Jisung, it seemed like they were suffocating him too. He was frozen, staring at the ground in shock, before jerking his head up to search my face with panicked eyes as his hands began to shake.

“I-I... no, you can’t... we’re not, it’s fine-” He spluttered, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. I watched with pained eyes as the man I loved unravelled before me, and it was all my fault.

His mouth opened and closed like a goldfish, and when it became clear that he wasn’t going to actually say anything, I began to speak, doing my best not to burst into tears.

“Things are just different now. You’re always so busy and that’s great, I'm so so proud of you, but there just isn't enough room for me in your life anymore. We never hang out, and when we do we just argue. And I'm sorry, but I just can't take it anymore, I can't take anymore cancelled dates or ignored messages, because it's destroying me, Jisung. And yes, maybe I am just weak and clingy, but I've got to put myself first for once because god-fucking-damn it Jisung, I've been so sad for so fucking long, and my own boyfriend has no idea!” By the end of my speech, I was nearly screaming, and I quickly realised that the dampness on my cheeks was from the many tears that were now uncontrollably cascading down my face. 

Now, the only sounds in the room were my slight panting and the occasional sniffle. Jisung remained unblinking, still frozen in the same position. It wasn't until I shook my head and turned towards the door that he reached forward and grabbed my arm.

“No!” he shouted, panic clear in his voice. I looked at him, he too, had tears streaming down now, the sight making what was left of my poor heart shatter.

“No... you can’t leave, I’m sorry ok? Really sorry. I-I took you for granted. You were always by my side so I guess I thought you’d stay there forever, because I honestly can’t imagine my world without you in it y/n, standing right next to me. I know I’m a shit boyfriend, and hearing how hurt you are because... because of me, kills me more than you’ll ever know. Honestly, this comeback had me feeling stressed out and down I didn't know what to do, but now I realise, that the only thing that could've made me feel happy again.. was you. Of course it was you. You are my heaven y/n, and I swear I’ll never desert you again. I’m such a fucking idiot, I was so sad that I pushed you away, even though you're the only one who can make me happy.” He laughed bitterly, but his expression quickly reverted to fear as he saw me shaking my head, tears still endlessly falling. 

“I’m sorry Jisung... but I just can’t fall for your apologies again. My heart can’t take any more of this, but I'm sure you'll find a-a nice girl... maybe an idol, someone who’s pretty and isn't so weak that they fall apart like me.” I began to walk away again, determined not to turn back again, in fear that I’d break down even further. 

Behind me, Jisung was really panicking now. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. He knew hed been a shitty boyfriend. But he thought that soon he’d feel less stressed and everything would go back to normal. They were Jisung and y/n, they were madly in love and everyone knew it, they couldn’t just break up like this. It was only when I had reached for the door handle did he react. 

“Angel, please.”

I hesitated at those words. 

 Angel. Even thinking of his pet name for me made me want to break down. It reminded me of happier times, when we were so in love we felt we were invincible, a feeling that was all but a distant memory now. 

Against my better judgment, I turned round to see Jisung slumped on the floor on his knees, head bowed and body shaking with sobs. 

I knew what I had to do. I knew what was best, for both of us. 

“I love you Jisung, and know that I’ll always be cheering you on, always.”

I took one last look at the boy who held my heart so tightly that he’d crushed it, before moving to the door, shutting it quietly behind me.

 FIN.

[ladywinchester1967]

Made to Be Broken: Part IX

Warnings: GENDER REVEAL, feels, fluff, SMUT, body image issues, language, childbirth (nothing too graphic), postpartum depression, Dad!Dean. 

A/N: This is it!! Here it finally is, the last chapter in Made to Be Broken! Thank you so much! All, of you, it has truly been a fun ride writing this, especially when it was just supposed to be a one shot!! It’s because of you guys who love Dean and Julianna that this grew to be as big as it did. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for being so supportive and loving these characters as much as I do!!

Worried you missed something? Coming in just now?

CATCH UP HERE!!

»»————-　✼　————-««

The technician moved the instrument around and finally got a clear shot. She clicked and paused, showing them two very distinct peanuts. She did another click and they heard loud, rapid, thumping.

“That’s the heart beats,” the technician told them “it’s hard to hear, but there are two of them.”

Julianna’s hand clapped over her mouth and she looked at Dean who was pale as a ghost.

“Twins.” He said simply and the technician nodded and took a few more pictures and measurements.

“I’m gonna have the doctor look over everything and she’ll be in to see you in just a few moments.” The technician said as the pictures printed and she got up. Once she was gone, Julianna sat up and asked Dean

“Are you okay?”

His mind was blank all he could ask was

“How?”

Julianna bit her lip and asked

“Are you mad?”

He shook his head, seeming to come to his senses.

“No,” he told her “no, I could never be mad at you about this sweetheart.” He held her face in his hands “It’s just,” he paused “this is so much good all at one time.”

“You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop aren’t you?” She asked and he nodded.

“I hate to be the pessimist here.” He said

“No, I feel the same way.” She told him, her hands on his wrists “We’ve already been through so much and NOW suddenly things seem to be coming up roses?”

He nodded again as the door opened and Anna came through it.

“Julianna,” she said pleasantly “good to see you as always. I’m guessing this is Dean?”

“Yeah, this is him.” Julianna said and Dean shook Anna’s hand as they both had a seat.

“So after looking over everything, it looks like you and the babies are in perfect health.” Anna told her as she held the file open “Your levels are normal for this stage of your pregnancy, the babies heartbeats are strong, they’re measuring nice and big which is also good. The only thing I want to recommend is taking a iron supplement along with your prenatal vitamins. Your iron levels are less than what I’d like to see, but other than that, you can keep doing what you’re doing.”

“How did this happen?” Julianna asked “I mean, we’re excited, don’t get us wrong but it seems just SO out of the blue.”

Anna nodded and said

“I understand your hesitation, since we found out, what last year that it would be difficult for you to get pregnant?” Julianna and Dean nodded and Anna went on “From a doctor’s stand point, I’m blown away. You two literally struck gold and oil and then hit the jackpot all at once.” She continued with a smile “But everything looks great, better than great actually. If there was anything I was worried about or anything you should be cautious of, I would tell you right away.”

“So, just enjoy it is what you’re telling us?” Julianna asked with a smile.

“Relax as best as you can,” Anna said “your doctor recommended you stopping your ADD medicine, which is good. If there’s ever anything you guys are worried about, you can always call us.”

»»————-　✼　————-««

Weeks later; after revealing the exciting news of the pregnancy to both of their families, everyone showed up for the gender reveal party, which was held at Dean and Julianna’s house. The theme of the party was “Witch or Wizard?” They were told to wear their Harry Potter house colors and picked out a pin when they arrived based on if they thought the baby was a boy or a girl. Julianna, Dean and Claire were wearing their Gryffindor gold and scarlet red, Alexis and Sam wore Ravenclaw blue and silver, Jody and Mary wore black and yellow Hufflepuff while John and Joel wore Slytherin green and silver. Their friends filtered in wearing their House colors and picking pins that read “Witch” and “Wizard” on them. They’d decided to keep the fact that they were having twins a secret until the gender was revealed.

“This is the biggest, most difficult secret I’ve ever kept, including when we started dating.” Julianna had told Dean that morning.

“But think of the LOOK on everyone’s faces when they find out.” Dean had assured her “You’re gonna love it and so will they.”

The only person that knew they were having twins and what the gender was, was Benny. He was by far the hardest nut to crack. Julianna found a Sorting Hat online and had given Benny the sonogram that read the babies genders.

“We don’t know what they are,” Julianna explained “so you have to put the potion bottles under the hat.” She handed Benny a box that had six potions bottles in it; three full of pink and the other three full of blue.

“What the hell in in there?” Benny asked

“Soap,” Julianna told him “dyed it with my own two hands.”

»»————-　✼　————-««

In the present day, the Sorting Hat was sitting on an upside down box with a piece of parchment paper attached to it. On it were the words “Only the Sorting Hat can see, boy or girl, what will it be?” With the word “girl” in pink and the word “boy” in blue. When it was time to reveal, Julianna and Dean stepped up to the box and waited for everyone to gather round. Julianna looked at Dean, grinning from ear to ear, he wore a pin that read “Wizard” while Julianna’s read “Witch.”

“I’m so excited,” she told Dean quietly.

“I am too,” He told her and kissed her forehead “I can’t believe this is real.”

“Me neither.” She told him as she held his hand.

“Everyone ready?” Dean asked, turning his head to their guests. Their friends and family cheered; according to the marker board they had sitting up on the drink table to take a tally of the gender, they seemed to be neck and neck, the guests waited with bated breath.

“Okay, on three.” Dean said as he placed his hand on the hat.

Julianna did the same as people squawked for them to wait so that they could get a good picture. Julianna braced herself and then said

“Three.”

“Two,” Dean said excitedly

“One.” They said at the same time and pulled the hat up.

Sitting under the hat was a pink and a blue potion bottle and everyone cheered excitedly, but a few people looked confused and then gasped. Julianna cried out in surprise

“WHAT?!” someone yelled from the back

“It’s TWINS!” someone else yelled.

It took a second and it finally sank in; everyone was cheering, some were crying and everyone rushed to hug and congratulate them.

»»————-　✼　————-««

That evening, Julianna finished putting the last of the dishes into the dishwasher when Dean walked into the kitchen.

“Damn it Juju,” he said “I was gonna get those!”

“I took care of it!” She insisted as she turned to face him “I feel fine, I was just trying to help!”

He sighed and walked over to her

“I can’t leave you alone when there’s housework can I?” He asked as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders. She leaned against the kitchen counter and shook her head.

“No.” she said

He kissed her forehead and asked

“Would you just take it easy? Please?”

“I am,” She told him “I didn’t put the chairs away like I wanted to AND I didn’t dump the cooler out like I wanted to.”

He kissed her and said

“I’d prefer if you didn’t do ANYTHING and just let me do it.”

“Why?” She asked, cocking her head to the side as she studied his face, laying her hands on his waist.

He chewed on his lip, choosing his words carefully before he spoke.

“I just worry about you,” he said “and the kids. That’s all.”

An easy smile crossed her face and she kissed him.

“You heard the doctor, I can do everything I did before I was pregnant. I checked and the only things I’m not allowed to do are jump on trampolines, drink alcohol, eat sushi or smoke crack.”

He laughed and said

“Well, there went our weekend plans.”

“Right?” She asked with a grin “Dishes are easy, it relaxes me. I may be elbow deep in soapy water, but in my head, I’m somewhere completely different.”

“Like when I caught you washing the skillet this morning?” He asked and she nodded

“Yup, I was in Scotland with Jamie Fraser and you RUINED it, you jerk!” She said kissed him. “Besides, I have more important things for you to handle.”

“Oh?” He asked as she slid her hands up and down his arms “Such as?”

Her tongue slid against his bottom lip and he opened up his mouth to let her in. Her tongue danced with his as she took one of his hands in hers and guided it to the waistband of her shorts. She felt him smile through their kiss as her tongue returned to her mouth.

“Mh,” he said and kissed her again “I think I can handle that.” He quickly untied her shorts and slipped his hand down into them. His finger tips grazed across her wet, swollen clit and she moaned into his mouth. “Fuck sweetheart, you’re ready for me?”

She let out a short laugh and said

“You get close, I smell you and I’m ready to jump your fucking bones.”

He grinned and kissed her slower this time

“Gonna have to remember that.” He said as he slipped his fingers inside her soaking panties, making her moan. She playfully bit his lower lip and he slid two fingers inside her as she cried out against his mouth.

“Deeeean,” she moaned as he pushed his fingers deeper inside her “oh fuck!”

“Like that sweetheart?” He cooed to her as he used his other hand to tuck her hair behind her ear.

“Yes,” she moaned, he hooked his fingers inside her as she threw her head back, crying out “oh, like that.”

“Like this?” He asked and hooked his fingers again, she dug her nails into his shoulders, crying out again.

“Yes, oh god! Just like that.” She moaned, kissing him again “Dean, I want more. Give me more, please.”

“More?” He asked innocently “More than this?” He asked and sheathed his fingers fully inside her as she whined.

“Yes, please!” She begged

“Show me sweetheart,” he said in a husky tone “show me how bad you want it.”

She tugged her shirt up and off of her head, setting it aside as she pulled him close and peppered kisses all around the base of his neck and up to his pulse point, where she bit down on it, making him growl.

“Fuck,” he moaned in her ear and he bit down on the shell of her ear “upstairs, now.”

He pulled his hand out of her shorts and she scampered up the stairs as he shut off all the lights, checked the doors and set the alarm. When he was satisfied with his sweep, he went upstairs to find her waiting for him in their bedroom. As he shut the door behind him, he turned and watched as she unhooked her bra and cast it aside. He bit his lip as she shimmied out of her shorts and then crossed the room to her as she got up on to the bed and he followed after her. He quickly undressed as he heatedly kissed.

“How do you want it?” he asked

“Get behind me,” she told him as she turned over “I like that.”

He grinned and quickly finished taking his clothes off before he parted her legs further and pushed inside her, both of the groaning.

“Fuck sweetheart,” he said “you’re so fucking wet!”

“Keep going!” She cried out as he slammed into her, making her cry out loudly as he gripped her hips. The obscene sound of skin hitting skin filled the room as he railed into her. He tried to flip her on to her back but she resisted. He bent over her, kissing and biting her shoulders “I want to see your face when you come.”

“No,” she told him in a whining tone. He stopped moving and she looked back at him “Why’d you stop?” She asked

“Come on sweetheart, you know how much I like that.” he said and pouted

“No, I'm fat and gross.” she told him.

His mouth dropped open

“Sweetheart!” he exclaimed as he felt a flash of anger run through him. “Where the hell did you get that from?”

“Just get over it and fuck me.”  she told him.

“No,” he told her and pulled out of her “not until you tell me where that insane idea came from.”

“I know how I look okay?” She snapped, still refusing to turn over “I’m nasty.”

“You are not and I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again.” He told her, his anger growing “I don’t talk about you like that and no one else is allowed to talk about you like that, including you.”

Now she was mad, she just wanted to finish what they’d started, not launch into an episode of Dr. Phil.

“Fine, just forget about it.” She snapped, climbed out of bed and gathered up her clothes.

“Bee,” Dean said, exasperated “come back to bed.”

“No, just leave me alone!” She yelled at him and left the room, slamming the door behind her.

Dean got dressed and waited a while before he went to look for her. He found her in the guest bedroom that had been his recovery room after his knee injury. He quietly walked to the door and could hear her crying.

It felt like an ice pick got jabbed through his heart; he hated when she cried. He quietly opened the door and made his way to the bed where he crawled in beside her. Without argument, she let him fold his arms around her; his chest to her back, and he kissed the top of her head. He held her until she calmed down enough to talk to him, which was quiet a while, but he didn’t mind.

“It’s just-“ she started as she mopped her face up with a tissue. She blew he nose and then went on “I’m getting so big! I’m sweaty, cranky and horny all at the same time. I’ve got like twelve chins and I have no energy to work out like I used to. My clothes don’t fit and my ass jiggles like a fucking bowl of Jell-O when I walk. It’s disgusting, I’m disgusting, and how I can even get you to fuck me is beyond me. Not when you have all these hot girls sending you nudes on fucking Instagram and commenting on your pictures about how hot you are and how bad they wanna fuck you!”

There it was, he thought, there was the root of her insecurity. He'd had an Instagram long before they ever got together and when they went public with their relationship, they started posting pictures of them together and the progression of their relationship. He'd gotten girl's numbers before, but once he and Julianna were thrust into the spotlight, the painful glare of public life brought out, seemingly the worst people imaginable. Now it was Dean's turn to be mad but he bit his tongue.

“Here,” He said “sit up for me.”

He released her and turned on the lamp by the side of the bed that he was on. She struggled to sit up, but when she did, he got a good look at her face. It was tinged with red from her crying so much, as were her eyes. He smiled tenderly at her and brushed her hair out of her eyes with his fingers.

“I need you to listen to me,” He said gently “can you do that for me?”

She nodded, her lips in a pout.

“I don’t care if you have twelve HUNDRED chins or that your ass jiggles when you walk,” he told her She opened her mouth to say something, but he gently pressed a finger to her lips “Can I finish? Please?” He asked. She nodded and shut her mouth as he went on “You’re carrying not just one, but two miracle babies in your body. You’re gonna change and that’s okay, you wanna know why?”

“Sure.” She said with a shrug

“Because that means you and the kids are healthy.” He said “THAT is what I care about. Not how much you sweat or how cranky you get. I don’t think you’re disgusting, not even a little bit. I definitely don't care how many girls pass me their numbers or send me naked pictures.” He cupped her cheek in his hand and gave her a tender smile “You’re my wife and I love you. All of you; the good, the bad and the jiggly.”

Her eyes welled with tears again as she laughed and she gave him a smile.

“I love you too.” She told him.

“There’s my girl,” he said and gave her a sweet kiss “I believe we were in the middle of something before the tears started and I’d like to finish what we started.”

She looked uneasy.

“Just lay back,” he told her as he kissed her again “and let me take care of you.” She did as he instructed with trepidation and laid back. She tried desperately to tune out every negative thought in her head but she couldn't, it seemed to hang over her like a dark cloud. “Close your eyes and take a deep breath,” he told her “in and out remember? We'll do it together.” They did and she felt his fingertips gently skim over her skin. As if by magic, all her senses kicked into overdrive trying to anticipate his next move. He didn't seem to have a path in mind, he just absentmindedly ran his fingertips and then his hands all over her body until she felt his body heat above her. “Keep your eyes closed,” he told her “and listen to the sound of my voice. Can you do that?”

“Yes.” she answered, nearly automatically.

“I love,” he said and gently kissed her collar bone “every,” now he was kissing between her breasts “single,” just above her belly “inch,” directly on her belly now “of you.” he kissed along the waistband of her shorts before he hooked his thumbs into them and pulled them down. Once they were gone, he admired the sight below him. She had looked amazing before she ever got pregnant, but now, with a round belly, a significantly fuller chest and an irresistible glow around her, it was all he could do not to pound her into the mattress and make her scream his name. “Sweetheart,” he murmured “just for one second, I wish you could see you how I see you. You're fucking gorgeous.”

She bit back a snide comment and her eyes fluttered open as his fingers slid through hers and he pinned them by her head. His lips barely brushed hers before he pressed a searing kiss onto her lips. She'd never quite be able to explain why this was her turning point; maybe it was all the raw emotion she felt from him, maybe it was finally getting her head in the right place or the fact that she as so horny that she was about to go blind with lust, but she felt the levee break and she hooked her legs around his waist.

“Mh, there she is,” he said against her mouth “I knew my bad girl was in there somewhere.”

“Fuck me Dean.” she told him as she let go of his hands and tore her shirt off over her head and clawed at his clothes. Once they were both naked, he lined his hardened length up with her soaking hole and quickly pushed inside her, their hands joining together again. She threw her head back and cried out loudly.

“That's it,” he said as he started to move “nice and loud sweetheart, I wanna hear you.” He was building her up, dragging in and out of her at a steady pace as she started to cry lout louder.

“Jesus!” She yelled as she squeezed his hands and moved with him as well as she could. He let out a growl as she whimpered and whined up to her peak. He moved faster as she clenched hard around him.

“Fuck,” he moaned as they kissed “just like that. Just fucking like that.”

“Gonna come,” she moaned “fuck!” she let go and he worked her through the orgasm only to build her back up again “Dean, oh fuck, Dean!”

He caged her in his arms as he moaned and cried out near her ear.

“Feels so good” he moaned “you feel so good.”

“Come for me,” she murmured to him, grabbing the hair on the back of his head and made him look at her, their eyes connecting “come-come on Dean.”

He slammed into her a couple of times and he cried out against her mouth as he coated her inner walls with his hot seed. She let go a second time, gripping his hair hard as she did so.

Later on, once they were settled back into their bed, Julianna had long since fallen asleep to Dean stroking the hair by her temples, his other hand splayed across her belly as one, or both, babies, kicked his palm. He grinned at the sight below him; the girl he'd crushed on. The one he never thought he'd be able to have was now his wife and carrying their babies in her tummy. In his arms was his entire world, everything he loved and cared about was right there with him. She nuzzled her head into the crook of his arm and slept on as he let out a sigh before kissing the top of her head.

“I love you.” he murmured against her hair.

»»————-　✼　————-««

When it was finally time for the babies to be delivered, Julianna had opted for a C-Section after her last appointment.

“Your birth canal is a little on the small side,” Anna had told her “so to avoid any complications, with this and any future pregnancies you may have, I believe it would be best for you to have a C-Section.”

Julianna and Dean arrived at the hospital, both of them with tons of emotions flooding through them. Jody arrived shortly after they did so she could be with them during the birth.

“Thanks for being here Mom.” Julianna told Jody when she saw her.

“I wouldn't miss it for the world.” Jody said

Julianna was wheeled back into surgery with Dean, Jody and a team of nurses and doctors headed up by Anna. Once Julianna got her epidural and was covered with blankets, the nurses set up a barrier between them and Julianna's head. Once the drugs kicked it, it felt like she'd had a little too much to drink.

“I love morphine,” she told Dean “can we keep some in the house?”

He chuckled and kissed her forehead through the mask he was wearing.  

“I'll see what we can do.” He said “Feeling okay?”

“Pressure,” she said as she made a face “like a lot of pressure, but fine.”

He nodded as Jody gripped her other shoulder

“You're doing amazing JuJu.” she said “Keep breathing okay?”

Julianna nodded and Anna said

“Okay, we've got one baby coming out in three, two, one!”

It felt like the world went silent around Julianna for a few seconds and the only thing that broke it was a baby wailing at the top of its lungs.

“Boy!” the nurse called and Dean looked past the cover.

Screaming in Anna's hands was a tiny, purple, messy, squalling baby and Dean's eyes went wide. He didn't know what to think or feel, but his heart was pounding painfully in his chest.  

“Dad, you wanna cut the chord?” the Anna asked.

Dean nodded nervously and cut where Anna had shown him as a grin stretched across his face. The nurse held the tiny baby up so Julianna could see him and then pulled him away to get him cleaned up.

“Here comes the next one.” the Anna said as tears rolled down Julianna's cheeks

“Go with him.” she told Dean as her lip began to tremble hard

No,” he said and looked at her “I'm not leaving you.”

“I'll go,” Jody said, she patted her daughter's shoulder and got up to check on the baby. Pretty soon, the room was filled with two crying babies as Dean looked over and saw his daughter, who was even smaller than her brother. Dean cut the chord and realized Julianna's lips were blue.

“Is she okay?” he asked the nurse

“Side effect of the medicine,” the nurse told him “we see it all the time.”

Dean tried to keep his head on a swivel, there were too many people in the room he cared about and he didn't have enough eyes to keep one on all of them. Jody came back over to Julianna and told her

“He has ten fingers and ten toes.” in and excited tone.

Their son was the first to be ready to be held, the nurse showed Dean how to hold him and once the little boy was safely in his arms, he felt his heart melt.

“Hey there big boy,” he said quietly and took the baby over to Julianna who was smiling.

“Here he is.” Dean said and showed the little boy to her and she began to cry.

“Oh my god,” she said “look at those chunky cheeks!”

Dean laughed and moved closer to Julianna so she could kiss his forehead.

“Hey sweet boy,” she said “nice to meet you little one.”

Now that his skin had taken on more of a pink tone, Dean pulled back the hat on the baby's head and realized it was full of blonde, wispy hair, he realized something.

“He looks like Sam when he was little.”

Julianna chuckled

“The Winchester genes are strong with this one.” she said.

Dean put his son in Jody's arms who almost instantly started crying.

“Oh my god,” she said quietly, he is so precious!” she said quietly

Then the nurse passed Dean his daughter. She had a full hair of raven black hair just like her mother's and she had Julianna's cheeks. Dean told her this and let her kiss their daughter on the forehead.

“Hey there baby girl.” she said

For just a second, the baby's eyes opened and looked at Julianna, who then swore she saw the baby grin for just a second as if to tell her “I'm here! I'm okay!” and then her eyes closed again. The nurse took to baby then and Jody was forced to give up her grandson. Dean leaned down to Julianna and said in her ear

“You did so well sweetheart, they're so beautiful and strong.” he kissed her temple and said “I love you so much, you're incredible.”

“I love you too.” she sobbed

»»————-　✼　————-««

The President And First Lady are pleased to announce that their eldest daughter, Julianna and her husband, Staff Sargent Dean Winchester have welcomed TWINS! Savannah Caroline and Sebastian Gabriel Winchester were born in the early hours of August 8th. New Mom and babies are doing well and are in perfect health. The Winchesters want to thanks everyone for their love and prayers as they begin this new chapter in their lives.

»»————-　✼　————-««

**One month later**

A wailing baby immediately brought Julianna out of a deep sleep. She groaned and got up, making her way to the nursery to see which baby was squalling at four in the morning. When she entered the nursery, she found Sebastian crying and Savannah still passed out in her crib.

“Hey handsome,” Julianna said and scooped him up “let’s take this downstairs so your sister can get some sleep huh?”

Sebastian wailed, his tiny fists hitting her chest as she made her way down the stairs and into the living room. They’d set up a changing table in the living room for just such an occasion and Julianna turned the light on dim so she could see what she was doing. She checked and then changed his diaper, trying to calm him down as she did so by talking to him. “I’d be mad if I had poop in my pants too,” she cooed to him “let’s get you out of this yucky diaper and we’ll put a new one on.” Once he was clean and changed, she picked him back up and made her way to the recliner and tried to feed him. He wasn’t interested in food so she held him closely and rocked him, still trying to calm him down. She sang softly to him and pat his back while she rocked him. He laid his forehead against her neck, finally starting to settle down. Julianna tried a few times to get up and put him back to bed, but Sebastian wasn’t having any part of that. Each time she tried he would start to squawk. Exhausted, she threw the recliner back and laid the baby on her chest before nodding off.

She wasn’t sure how long she was asleep on the chair, but the next thing she knew, she could hear Dean in the kitchen. Julianna slowly opened her eyes and saw Sebastian was out cold on her chest, letting out tiny snores as he slept with his mouth open.

“Just like his Dad.” She thought and laid there for a few more minutes, closing her eyes again. She heard Dean softly talking and his voice seemed to be getting closer.

“Ah, see? There’s your Mom and brother.” He said and Julianna opened her eyes. Dean was standing by the recliner, holding Savannah in his arms and smiling. “Late night?” Dean asked

“Early morning,” she told him “your son wanted to cuddle at four o’clock in the morning.”

“So, before sunrise he’s MY son?” Dean asked and Julianna sleepily nodded, making him grin. “I got coffee going, do you want to hang out here until it’s ready?”

“Yeah. She okay?” Julianna asked, nodding to Savannah.

Dean turned to the side and peaking out of a pink blanket was a pair of blue green eyes.

“She’s fine,” Dean said and kissed the top of her head “she was awake and hanging out in her crib when I checked on her so I picked her up.”

Julianna smiled as Savannah grunted and snuggled up to Dean.

“Someone’s a Daddy’s girl all ready,” Julianna said with a smirk “look at her.”

He looked down and grinned at the tiny girl in his arms.

“Yeah she is.” He simply said and kissed the baby’s forehead. “How're you feeling today?”

Julianna sighed, postpartum depression had hit her hard; coupled with the depression she was already dealing with, plus the way her body had changed post pregnancy, she had been dealing with a lot over the last month.

“Still feeling bummed, not like sobbing upset like I have been, but more like the baseball game I wanted to watch got rained out.” She told him, which made him smirk.

He had been the one to encourage her and lift her up when she was at her lowest. He'd found her in the nursery crying uncontrollably one afternoon while Savannah screamed in her crib.

“What's wrong?!” Dean thundered, thinking one or both of them were hurt.

“I'm sorry!” she sobbed “I can't get her to stop crying, she hates me!”

“Whoa, hold on just a second,” he told her “I can't hear myself think with all the crying. Sweetheart, just hold up a second okay?” Dean rushed over and picked the baby up trying to figure out what was wrong and he quickly figured it out. “It's okay,” he said soothingly “she pooped. No one has to cry over a poopy diaper.”

“I JUST CHANGED HER!” Julianna yelled

“HEY!” Dean yelled back and the baby screamed louder “Go cool down! I got this.”

“Dean I-” she started, her eyes wide, he'd never raised his voice at her

“Go. Take. A. Minute.” he told her, his eyes set.

She slowly got up and trudged to their room, shutting the door behind her. To Dean's surprise, Sebastian had slept through the whole ordeal like a champ.

“Little buddy,” Dean said as he set to cleaning up Savannah “we have our hands full with these girls, don't we?” Sebastian just snoozed on as Dean tried to soothe Savannah.

Once Savannah was cleaned up and back in her bed, sleeping, Dean went to find Julianna who was laying in bed staring out of the window.

“Hey,” he said gently as he climbed into bed with her “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you. That was uncalled for.”

“It's okay,” she said, sounding defeated “the kids hate me, you hate me. It's fine.”

“Sweet girl, no.” he said as he tried to turn her over, but she refused. “I don't hate you, I thought you and Savannah were hurt.”

“So, you yelled at me?” she asked

“I told you,” he said in a quiet tone “it was uncalled for and I'm sorry. I should've handled that differently. I was worried about my girls.” At this, she rolled over, wiping the tears out of her eyes and sitting up. “I could never hate you Bee, I love you. More than I know how to say.” He pushed her hair out of her face and pulled her closely “Tell me what's wrong.”

She melted into his arms and poured her heart out

“I just can't shake this feeling that I'm worthless,” she sobbed “I can't get the kids or myself to stop crying and I'm just so sorry. I'm so, so sorry Dean.”

“What're you sorry for?” he asked as he smoothed her hair

“For being annoying and always crying and bothering you with my problems.” she told him “I'm just this broken person and you don't deserve that.”

He shushed her and held her tightly while she sobbed into his shoulder. Once she was done crying he pulled back from her and tilted her face up to his.

“Can you listen to me for a few seconds?” he asked and she nodded “You're not worthless at all, you're the reason I do the things I do because I want to take care of you and provide for you and our family. You're worth everything, plus more. With everything you've been through, I'm not surprised that you can't stop crying sweet girl.” He gently kissed her forehead and then told her “You're not broken; you're the strongest person I know. You're my world you know that?”

She sniffled and nodded.

“You're my world too.” she told him and they kissed hard.

»»————-　✼　————-««

Epilogue *six months later*

“Look, I’m not trying to be bias or anything,” Dean said as he looked through the pictures he’d just taken on his phone “but we made some GOOD looking kids.”

Julianna grinned as the babies squirmed and kicked their hands and feet on the blanket. They each rolled over and Julianna sat at the edge of the blanket.

“You’re right,” she told him and clapped her hands to get their attention “cutest babies ever.”

Their personalities had started to emerge more as they aged. Savannah looked like Julianna but acted more like Dean. Sebastian looked like a miniature Dean and acted like Julianna.  Sebastian quickly crawled over to Julianna, babbling to her.

“What’re you trying to tell me?” She asked as he crawled into her lap, shortly followed by Savannah, who let out a series of baby noises. “You trying to tell me something too?” Julianna asked Savannah as Julianna picked her up “What’s so important little one?”

Savannah grabbed Julianna’s face and laid a big, sloppy kiss on her as Julianna laughed. “Oh yes? That’s very important, thank you sweet pea.”

Not to be out done, Sebastian tugged on Julianna’s shirt, pulling himself up and laying a drooly kiss on her too.

“Aw thank you!” Julianna said and the twins seemed to take turns kissing Julianna as she nearly burst into tears. “I don’t know what to do with all this loving I’m getting!” She exclaimed as she heard Dean chuckling. “Who is that laughing? You hear your Daddy laughing at us?”

Sebastian looked at Dean, grinned and gave Julianna another kiss.

“You saw that right?” Dean asked as he laughed “He looked at me like “I’m getting ALL the kisses!” and kissed you again!”

“Really?!” Julianna asked and laughed as Savannah laughed too “Oh, that’s funny isn’t it?” Julianna asked her and Savannah squealed in delight.

»»————-　✼　————-««

That night, after a bath, Julianna and Dean put the babies to bed and settled on the couch with beers. It was February in DC and it was cold enough for them to light a fire as they snuggled closely on the couch. Dean sat with his back against the arm rest and his legs stretched out in front of him. Julianna was laying against his chest, her fingers making patterns on his chest.

“We make a pretty good team, you and I.” She told him

“We do, don’t we?” He asked

“I think so.” she told him

He kissed her forehead

“Before you get comfortable,” he told her “I have your Valentine's Day present.”

“That isn't for a few more days,” she told him “and that doesn't get you out of buying me flowers either.”

He laughed and said

“Humor me.”

“Okay.” she said and sat up. He got off the couch and disappeared into the house. When he came back, he had a wrapped box in his hands, which he gave to her before sitting down. She ripped open the paper and inside it was a book. Curious, she opened it and in front of her was a picture of the two of them together. She flipped through the book and inside were pictures of them from the start of their relationship to now.

“You did all this?” she gasped, amazed

“Well, I had help,” he admitted “like, A LOT of help putting to together, but I picked all of the pictures and got the final say on the layouts.”

“Oh my god,” she said “I LOVE this.”

She the last few pages were filled with pictures of them with the babies, including a session they had done when the babies were still brand new.

“The last one is my favorite one.” Dean told her

“Your favorite in the book?” she asked

“No,” he told her “of all time, so far.”

she smiled and flipped to the last page. The picture was of her and Dean standing sideways, each of them holding a sleeping baby as they were smiling at each other. She had a wide grin because he had made her laugh and he was giving her his legendary Winchester smirk. Below it was the Edgar Allen Poe quote Castiel has used in their wedding in the shape of a heart.

“We loved with a love that was more than love.” she said and looked up at him.

“I and my Annabelle Lee.” he said with a smile. He couldn't clearly read her expression, but she set the book aside and hugged him hard.

“I love you.” she told him as he folded his arms around her.

“I love you too.” he told her and kissed her temple.

»»————-　✼　————-««

THANK YOU so, so SO much for being on this journey with Dean and Julianna!! I hope this was a satisfactory end for their wonderful story! I’ll be making a master post for this series very soon so that it can be enjoyed in it’s entirety.

As always, kind feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Feel free to comment, like and share, bitch slap that follow button to see more content from me!!!

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All This Time {Allura x Reader}

  Words: 8k

  Summary: Lotor had betrayed team Voltron, and Allura was utterly distraught. You know why. She loved him, as much as it pained you to admit that. You're willing to put your feelings for the princess aside to help her through this difficult time, but will your kind words be enough?

  Genre: angst

  Notes: masterlist – if Allura isn't happy in the next season, I'm planning an event {{also yes, Allura is bisexual in this fic because yes please}}.

  ---

     You had heard the news and immediately thought of Allura.

   It hurt. It hurt so damn much to imagine the pain she must have been in, the betrayal she must have felt upon hearing the news for the first time; you had been away on a mission, hadn't been with her to help her through the shock. According to Hunk, who later walked you through exactly what had happened with Lotor, Allura had lost her temper and punched the emperor in the face – you would have been proud of her if it wasn't for the fact that her violence had stemmed from her sadness.

    Try as you might to avoid thinking about such a thing, it was obvious that Allura had feelings for Lotor. From the moment the two of them had started working together, her feelings only became clearer and clearer, and you were forced to shove yours down into the deep dark depths of your heart – there was no way in hell you could confess whenever it was clear she had eyes for somebody else.

    But then Lotor had betrayed you all, and it wasn't a feeling of happiness that soared through you. It wasn't a feeling of relief, that maybe you would now have a chance – it was a feeling of absolute horror because, at the end of the day, you were still a part of team Voltron. You had still trusted Lotor, just like the others had, and you had still been played.

     It was Allura and Coran who were most affected by it, though. Hearing what Lotor had put the few remaining people of their kind through must have torn them apart, though the Alteans did a fine job of hiding it.

    You stormed through the hallways of the ship, Hunk struggling to keep up with you with the speed in which you were walking. Your hands were clenched into fists at your sides, fresh sweat still evident on your face from the confines you had just escaped – you had only just gotten back from your assigned mission, and your clothes still reeked of the gold dust that the planet you had been on was made from.

    “Where is she?” you demanded, not even sparing a glance in Hunk's direction.

   “Are you sure you want to do this?” asked Hunk. “She's not exactly in the best of moods, and you clearly aren't either. Maybe it's best if we just-”

   “Hunk!” you snapped, not entirely meaning to. “Where is she?”

   Hunk whimpered before pointing dead ahead to the medical room. Your heart fell, your steps faltering as you came to realise that perhaps Allura had been physically injured during your time away as well.

   Hunk seemed to notice the faltering in your movements. His hand snapped out and he gripped your arm, forcing you to whirl around and look at him. Your eyes were wide, cheeks flushed with panic.

   He shook his head slowly. “She's okay. She's not injured. She just went in there for some peace and quiet.”

   You heaved a sigh of relief, feeling as if a thousand tons of pressure had been taken off of you. You gave Hunk a kind smile, a sort of apology for the tone you had taken with him earlier, before you were prying your arm out of his grip, whirling around and heading directly for the door of the medical room.

   You didn't care if Allura wanted alone time. You had seen her in this state multiple times before – she claimed she wanted to be alone, that she needed time to think, and then she would shut herself in for weeks on end until the problem was forgotten by everyone else and she was able to suffer without the added pressures of other people worrying about her.

   You wouldn't let that happen. Not this time.

   And so, with all the strength and the little confidence you could muster up in the short space of time it took for you to wade towards the door, you turned the handle and shoved it open.

   The room wasn't lit up by anything; the curtains were closed, the windows were closed, the lights were off. The only light you were able to see was coming from the lava lamp perched on the side of the desk, and that barely illuminated the room at all.

   Slowly, the door closed behind you.

   Allura jumped up at the noise, giving away her hiding place with the sudden jerk of her shoulders. She was curled up on a chair in the corner, her head buried beneath her arm in which a blanket was draped over. She barely peeked her head out from beneath the blanket before she was huddling back underneath it.

   “I told you all to leave me alone for a little while. I have work to be getting to,” she snarled, and you had never heard her voice sound so weak. The usually confident, oh-so-precious Allura had disappeared, replaced with one that radiated nothing but pure depression.  

    To say it shattered your heart would have been the understatement of the entire century. The fact that she was feeling this way at all; the fact that you couldn't do anything about it; the fact that it had been Lotor that had caused it – she had felt so deeply for him that his betrayal had buried her into a corner.

   You stepped forward slowly, suddenly debating whether this was the best idea or not; nobody else was helping her out. They had all believed her when she told them she was coming into the medical room to do work.

   You weren't that foolish, though. You knew Allura better than anyone.

   “Allura,” you croaked out. “Allura, please talk to me. I heard about what happened.”

   “Join the party,” Allura scoffed harshly. “You and the entire galaxy have heard what happened with Lotor and I. People must think I'm a fool for trusting somebody like him. Somebody with his blood.”

   She shivered at the last two words, tugged the blanket closer to her body as if doing so would protect her from the harsh realisations of what had been going on these past few days. You nibbled on your bottom lip, watching her closely, unsure of what to say or do in response.

    “You weren't stupid,” you finally managed. “We all fell for it. He was very convincing.”

    “He was conniving,” Allura hissed. “And to think – to think I was fully prepared to give him a place on this ship! To think that I was fully prepared to have him integrate with the people I love most – goodness, if anything would have happened to any of you at his hands-”

  “It wouldn't have been your fault, because we all fell for it,” you interrupted. “Every single one of us thought he was the real deal, Allura.”

    Allura grunted. “You were all at least a little hesitant. I threw myself at him, let my feelings get in the way.”

   You closed your eyes. You knew this topic would be brought up eventually, but you found yourself suddenly not wanting to stray into that territory of conversation; you weren't sure you would be able to. Hearing her talk about how strongly she had felt for Lotor, how she had fallen for him over you – it wasn't something you wanted to hear at the moment.

    “You need to get out of this dark room,” you said. You turned on your heel and marched towards the back window, throwing open the curtains. Allura groaned, pulling the blanket over her head in protestation. You raised a brow in her direction, to which she merely scowled at in response. “This isn't you, Allura. You've got a ship to run, people to please, planets to save, in case you forgot the main reason we're all here anyway.”

   “Haven't I done enough?” she barked. “Can you not just give me this one moment to rest whenever I feel like I need it?”

   “We'd all love a bit of a rest, but not all of us have that luxury.” You marched over to her, snatching the blanket away from her. “Now get up and stop moping around. There are other problems to be sorted that don't involve your love life.”

   You weren't sure where that had come from – hearing her talk about Lotor and her relationship had sparked some source of anger inside of you, and the words were falling from your mouth before you could stop them.

   Allura glared up at you. She didn't have a look of disgust, didn't even look shocked at the words you had just thrown at her. You folded your arms over your chest and glared right back at her, letting her know that you were serious; as harsh as you had been, you were telling the truth. This was no time for Allura to suddenly curl up and go missing.

    “You're useless,” said Allura suddenly, and for a moment, you thought you had heard her wrong.

   Your eyes widened, mouth dropping open as the princess shot upright and stood before you – she was smaller than you only by a few centimetres, and yet she still managed to look threatening in this lighting, with this emotion radiating off of her very being.

   You staggered back a little bit, her words eating away at you without the need of context. Hearing such acidic words spew from her mouth was heartbreaking – it didn't matter why she had said them.

   “You want me to do everything,” she continued. “I just want a moment to myself, and you can't even give me that – this ship will go to hell if I so much as take a moment to grieve. Do you wanna know what Lotor and I did, Y/N? We kissed! Me and him – we kissed – and I felt something for him. I haven't kissed anyone in centuries. Finding out that the first person I was willing to give myself to was plotting against me the entire time – it hurts. It hurts very badly, and you can't even give me a moment to try and process it.”

    You had no words. You were simply gaping at her, mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water.

   Allura scoffed and shook her head, throwing her soft white hair over her shoulder as she span on her heel to face the door. You were half tempted to reach towards her and drag her back, beg for her forgiveness because you hadn't seen things like that, from her perspective.

    But the only words that came from you were, “You and Lotor kissed?”    Allura shook her head in mild disbelief, looking down at the ground. You heard her breathing pick up, could hear the anger radiating from her very soul – you felt stupid, standing behind her with her blanket draped over your arms, a direct reminder of yourself losing your temper only moments before.

    “Why don't we go and sort out the rest of the tasks we have,” she said instead of answering your question. She didn't look behind her to make sure you were following – she merely strolled out of the medical room, bunching her hair up in exhaustion, ready to take on the world.

   Just like she always was.

   ---

   The last person you wanted to speak to was Hunk at this moment in time.

   Sure, Hunk gave good advice. He knew how to settle a person down whenever they needed it, knew the exact right thing to say during times of crisis, but you didn't want to be comforted right now – not whenever you fully believed you deserved the self-hatred that was currently eating away at your insides.

    It was hard to describe; you had seen it all, been through it all, dealt with it all, and yet never before had you felt such a strong desire to just sit. Do nothing. Melt away into the air and hope nobody ever came looking for you. The things you had said to Allura in your jealousy-induced rage continued to replay in the back of your mind, a reminder that perhaps your feelings weren't as deeply hidden as you had originally thought they were.

   Hunk had been the first to catch on to this, of course. He had a habit of taking one glance in your direction and immediately knowing what it was you were feeling.

   So now he sat in front of you, watching as you swung your legs over the arm of the lounge chair, a blanket tucked up to your chin, similar to the position Allura had taken only a few hours prior whenever the two of you had silently agreed to never speak to one another again.

   “What about a – a nice game of Guess Who?” Hunk asked, rattling off the seventh board game in the past hour.

   You closed your eyes, tilted your head back and groaned. “I don't want to play board games, Hunk. I just want to be left alone.”

   Hunk shuffled forward in his seat, doing the complete opposite of what you had asked him to do. “I have the Simpsons Monopoly upstairs. We can-”

   “Hunk.”

   Hunk sighed, hollowing out his cheeks and running a large hand through his hair. The strands immediately flopped back onto his bandanna. “You're blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. You know that, right?”

   “What are you talking about?”

   “The argument you and Allura had – neither of you meant the things you said. That much is obvious by the way you've suddenly fallen into a dark spiral in the past few hours.”

   You winced, pulling your knees closer to your chest; Hunk had been just outside the door when the argument was taking place, and he had heard it all – but he hadn't seen it. He hadn't seen the pure anger, the pure rage that sparked through Allura's eyes when she had approached you, spitting those harsh words in your direction as if they had been building up for months.

    “And we all know Allura cares about you. There's no way in hell she meant what she said, either,” continued Hunk. “We should just stop wasting time, realise life is too short for petty arguments, and you two should make up and be happy again. It'll spare us all pain in the long run.”     You wanted so desperately to believe him. You wanted to believe that Allura still cared for you, that perhaps her words were driven purely by her anger and her heartbreak, but it all came back to the look she had given you. It all came back to the fierce look in her eyes, the way she spat the words out so casually.

   You couldn't bring yourself to get past them.

   Hunk sighed, clearly noticing your hesitation in believing him. He placed a hand on your foot, which was balancing over the arm of the chair. “How about I invite you on the mission I'm going on today to help get your mind off things?”

   You looked up, raised a brow. “You have a mission today?”

   He shrugged. “I mean, I didn't, but I'm sure I can organise something. Maybe we can go back to Balmera and visit Shay for a little while, see what's going on with them.”

   You didn't really feel like moving, but you didn't want to say no, either. Hunk was only trying to help, and you would be a fool to not at least try and take his advice in stride.

   So you nodded, causing Hunk to burst out into a large grin. He jumped up from the sofa, tossed a pair of shoes onto your stomach, told you to be ready in ten minutes before he was marching out of the lounge, leaving you to slowly regret your decision more and more.

  ----

    Balmera was as beautiful as you had once remembered it.

   It felt like months since you and the Paladins had first visited this place, filled with rocks and pretty sculptures. Back then, it had been under attack by Galra forces and you were too busy shooting lazors into enemy ships to really notice the pretty landscape, but now that you were walking upon the soil, you took time to appreciate it properly.

   The people there greeted you and Hunk enthusiastically. Some of them even came up to you and kissed your knuckles as if you were some kind of walking saviour – they were mainly elderly people, the ones who remembered you and Hunk well from a few years back.

    Hunk was right – though the situation with Allura hadn't been completely wiped from your brain, you were definitely not as angry and upset as you had once been – you felt as if you were taking a small holiday, being led around the planet of Balmera by Shay, who was walking hand-in-hand with Hunk.

   The sight could have very easily upset you – seeing a couple walking so carelessly around, nothing but each other in their minds. But it didn't. Seeing Hunk happy was making you feel even better, and you could barely wipe the small smile from your face.

    You lagged behind them, wanting to give them their privacy. It had been a long time since Hunk had seen Shay, and you knew he would be grateful for the space you were giving them.

    Your space from Hunk and Shay meant you were basically left to roam the planet on your own. After a few hours, you tapped Hunk on the shoulder, told him you were going to go and explore on your own for a bit, and he was too awestruck by Shay to argue.

   You slipped away, making your way through a rough rock field that was packed full of children and parents – it seemed like they enjoyed playing in these little orchards of stone, picking up rocks and hauling them at one another, a strange game of Tag you had never seen played before. Whenever the kids got thwacked with the rocks, they barely even flinched away from them. Some of them even laughed, jeering “Is that all you've got?” in the direction of the person who had thrown the stone in the first place.

   You smiled as you walked through them, kids weaving in and out around you, dodging you swiftly. The sounds of their laughter was such a contrast to the horror filled yells and the terrified whimpers you had heard from this very place only a few years prior – you remembered holding one of the children in your arms, cradling them as they cried because Zarkon and his men had killed one of their parents.

   It was impossible to concentrate on your own issues whenever you were walking through a miracle that you had helped form – it gave you a feeling of pride that swelled in your chest, made you smile that little bit brighter.

    But the smile soon faded. Of course it did, because nothing good could possibly stay around for too long whenever it was team Voltron involved.

   It was the high-pitched scream which startled you back to reality. You immediately reached into the band of your jeans, tugging your Bayard out from beneath your shirt and whirling around to pinpoint the source of the noise – you spotted them almost instantly and started running as fast as your feet would carry you.

   The entire orchard had gone silent, kids freezing in their place as you ran past them at full pelt. They were craning their necks, trying to see what was going on; parents were wrapping their arms around their childrens middle, dragging them away from the scene, forcing them to look away from a horror you couldn't see yet.

   You broke the edge of the orchard, and the Galra ship came into full view.

   It wasn't just any Galra ship, much to your dismay. This wasn't simply a stray fleet of Galra, perhaps a few looking for a little tough fighting to get them through the day – this was more than that. The ship was massive, bellowing smoke out of the back of it, the guns on the front very clearly ready to shoot if anybody tried protesting their appearance.

    Lotor was already wading down the steps towards you by the time you had frozen in front of his ship.

   The anger that coursed through you was indescribable – Lotor knew full well that the people of Balmera were nothing short of terrified of anything that looked even similar to a Galra cruiser. He knew full well the terrors his father had put them through, and he had once told you that he regretted his father ever doing such a thing – yet now he was landing on their very soil, not even taking into consideration the fear the sight of him would provoke from them.

   “Miss L/N, please!” an old woman wailed from the left. You looked over at her, heart dropping; she was curled up against a stack of boulders, hugging her grandchild tight to her chest, covering the sobbing little girls ears. “Do something!”

    “Oh, she will,” Lotor said smoothly. You swallowed thickly, forced your eyes back to him. He was grinning; any trace of the Lotor you had come to trust had slipped away, replaced with the menace currently striding towards you. “She will definitely be doing something. How about we have a little chat, Y/N. I believe me and you have a lot to catch up on.”

    “You're gonna turn around now and get back on that ship,” you growled. “Or else I will not hesitate to rip you to shreds.”

   “Oh, a threat! That's no way to treat an old acquaintance, now is it?” Lotor chuckled, stopping right in front of you. He tucked his hands into his pockets, whistled casually whilst glancing around at the area around him. He caught sight of the sobbing people, caught sight of the people he had left utterly terrified just by being here; he didn't seem to care at all. “This is a lovely little planet. I'm very happy my father didn't tear it apart when he had the chance.”

    “I'm serious, Lotor,” you growled, lowering your voice so the kids wouldn't be able to hear your threats. “Turn around and we can avoid the violence. We don't need to be uncivil with each other just because you betrayed us – we can learn to ignore one another.”

   Lotor's eyes sparkled. “I'm afraid it doesn't quite work like that, my dear. In case you forgot, my people are currently in battle with your people – battles don't just come to an end because we're ignoring one another.”

   “What do you want then?” you seethed. Your Bayard was heating up in your hand, a sure sign that you should just use it – stop him before he got too cocky. Stop him before he himself got the upper hand.

    “I don't want much,” he drawled casually. “I just want to talk to you. You were the only one of the Paladins who wasn't present whenever the news came out about my past – my fairly controversial past, I must admit. I wanted to come and make sure you knew we had no bad feelings.”

    “You hurt Allura,” you spat out before you could stop yourself. Upon further inspecting the words you had just spoken, you quickly corrected yourself. “You hurt all of us.”

   “We all make mistakes,” he said. “The only way we can truly get past them is by giving out our hearts in forgiveness. Wouldn't you say so?”

   You eyed him. He was up to something. You hadn't known the man very long, had trusted him for less time than that, but there was something in his voice now that told you he didn't come here for hugs and kisses. He was here for a completely different reason – one you would need to find out and stop as soon as possible.

    He continued before you could reply to his previous comments. “If it's Allura and I that is bothering you, I want you to know that I didn't intend to hurt her – I surprised myself by truly enjoying her company. She was – sweet. Soft. Supple.”

   “Don't talk about her like she's your fucking property,” you barked. A child wailed a little louder in the background and you forced your breathing to a calm and steady level before continuing, lowering your voice to a dangerous growl. “Get out of here now, Lotor. I'm giving you one last chance.”

   Lotor smirked. “Then I'm afraid you're just gonna have to cut me down in front of all of these people.”

   You didn't move. The air grew tense. You could barely breathe.

   Lotor shrugged. “If you don't want to start, I will.”

   And that was that. The band had snapped, and he was barrelling towards you at full speed. He had reached behind his back and unsheathed his sword before you could even comprehend what it was he had said. It all happened in a blur, and you had only the finest of seconds to step out of the way of his blow.

   You just barely managed to do so, though his sword somehow clipped the side of your arm, slicing a gash in your armour. You yelled out, stumbling backwards. The people of Balmera were yelling now, some of them calling for help, but there was no help making its way towards you. You were on your own, your Bayard seeming utterly pointless in comparison to the massive, glowing Galra blade in Lotor's hands.

   He approached you, continually swinging said sword, barely giving you a chance to retaliate. He wasn't here to prove his strengths – he was here to kill you, and that was that. He wasn't going to give you a fighting chance. He was just going to slice you down, like he had said he would, and then he was going to leave as if nothing had happened.

    You managed to swing your Bayard, despite the screaming pain in your arm. Lotor laughed, leaning back just enough that the swipe didn't even hit him. You could feel blood pooling beneath the protective gear beneath your armour, could feel the gash opening and sizzling – Lotor had somehow managed to do something to his blade that made it burn whenever it made contact with skin. You wouldn't last long with an injury like that, that was only opening further and further with each passing second.

    “I was hoping you would go back to Allura and tell her she's always welcome at my castle if she wants a place to stay,” Lotor said as he approached you slowly. You continued to step back, placing your arm out and shoving the few elderly people behind you. “She could warm my bed for me quite nicely.”

    “Go to hell,” you spat.

   Lotor raised a brow, slowing his attacks down a little bit. “That's strange. You seem to be getting worked up every time I bring up Allura. Is there something you're not telling me, little Y/N?”

   “Shut up!” you bellowed, before throwing yourself forward. The elderly people you had been protecting gasped at the sudden, cat-like move.

   You landed directly in front of Lotor and threw out your arm. Your Bayard cut through the armour on his chest, and Lotor dropped his facade long enough to cry out in pain. The Bayard didn't cut deep enough, though – it was simply a blade. There was no special features to it, nothing that could give you the upper hand.

   Lotor swung his sword again, and this time, the blade made contact with your shoulder – only a few inches above where your heart was beating.

   You gasped, staggered back as the pain flared within your entire body. It started from the wound, flared out until even your legs were aching. They gave out beneath you, forced you to the rocky ground with a dull 'clunk' as your useless armour smashed against it.

    Lotor spoke through gritted teeth. “You're an idiot, do you know that? Angry at me, wanting me dead purely because the girl you've got a little crush on fell in love with me before she even batted an eyelash in your direction. And why would she? You're not even a Paladin! You're nothing special! If your blood were to spill upon these rocks today, Voltron would not waver a single, god damn bit. Just one less mouth to feed, isn't it?”

   Oh, how you wanted to reach out and wrap your hands around his throat. You wanted to watch the life drain from him – you didn't want to stab him, didn't want his death to be quick. You wanted him to suffer for everything he had put you and Voltron through, for the lies he had fed to you all for months, knowing full well what he had done in his past.

    “Whenever I head back to the castle ship and inform Allura that you've died from a stab wound that a stray thug has given to you, I'll be there to comfort her,” Lotor continued, stepping over you now. “I'll be there to hold her, and soothe her, and tell her just how much effort I put in trying to stop you from dying. I'll be able to do everything you want to do to her.” He grinned, raised his sword over his head. You knew this was it. You couldn't move. The flames were taking over your entire body, leaving you utterly paralysed on the rocks – you had been a fool to think you could have won. Your Bayard was pointless against a superior Galra blade, and you didn't have your ship – this was Lotor's battle the entire time. You were merely a pawn within the game.

    You breathed deeply, looked right into Lotor's eyes. And it was then that you saw the streak of yellow zooming past you in the sky, glittering amongst the stars. Your heart pulled, a love and appreciation being felt so deeply for Hunk right now.

   You looked back at Lotor, smiled and said, “You might wanna watch out.” And then, using up every fibre of your strength, you rolled to the side – just as Hunk's lazors blasted down directly onto Lotor's ship, tearing it apart with one simple shot.

   Lotor cried out, spinning on his heel to witness the damage that had been made. You didn't continue to look at him – you had to get away before he realised what was happening, before he realised that Hunk had found you, had immediately gotten into the yellow lion in his attempts to save you.

   Gripping your shoulder, you used the rocks beside you to help you up. It hurt like nothing you had ever felt before, but laying down on those rocks and letting him kill you had to be the last resort. You couldn't let him do that, not after you had gotten away from him once before already.

    You spotted Shay amongst the crowd of people. She was glancing at you nervously whilst bundling a pile of civilians into her arms, ready to get them to safety. You made a step towards her, ready to help her gather them up and get them as far away from the raging battle as possible, but Shay was a hero in her own right. She made a desperate gesture, telling you to go, to leave this job to her.

   And you didn't argue.

   Your brain was fogged up, your body screaming at you to get back on your knees and relax, but there was no time for that. You darted through the rocks as quick as you possibly could with the injuries you had sustained. The battle continued on behind you. Hunk was dealing with it. Hunk and Shay were saving lives, but you needed to stay out of this one. You needed to get yourself to safety. You needed to find Allura. You needed to tell her that you loved her before this god damn slice in your arm got any worse. You needed to. . . You needed to do so much . . . You needed to fix your vision, because it was getting blurry and everything was suddenly a scrambled mess in your head.

   Wait, why were you falling? Being on the floor wasn't going to get you to the ship. You needed to stand up. Why couldn't you stand up?

    It was going dark. You liked night time. It was better than the day time. At night, the stars looked even prettier. And perhaps that was why you let it engulf you without much more of an argument.

  ---

   You opened your eyes.

    The room you were in immediately blinded you – there was definitely a light in your face right now. Why was there a light in your face right now?

   You winced up at it, gingerly reaching out and slapping said light away from your eyes. A gasp emitted from the side of you, and immediately the lamp that was once shining down in your vision was turned off, allowing you to see the circle of faces around you.

   They were all there – every single one of them. Shiro, Coran, Pidge, Hunk, Keith, Lance – even Allura and the mice, who were all looking worried – as worried as mice could look.

   “Oh god, she's awake!” Coran exclaimed. “She's awake, she's awake! Everyone step away and give her space!”

    Nobody did. Coran ended up stepping on Lance's toe as he tried to step away from your bed, only for Lance to shove him forward.

   “Check if she's alright,” Lance hissed.

  “Oh, right, yes,” said Coran, before he was grabbing the covers and rolling them back to get a better view of the gashes that had been sliced into your arm and shoulder – they didn't look much better, though the bleeding had stopped. There was a bandage dressing the one on your shoulder, soaked entirely in drying blood that made you wince at first glance.

   Coran noticed your expression. “Yeah. It was a pretty deep wound when you got here, my dear. If you had waited a few more minutes, I'm not entirely sure I could have saved you.”

  “Coran,” Shiro hissed out of the corner of his mouth. “Do you really think that's the kind of thing she wants to hear at the moment?”

   “It's fine,” you grunted. “I know it was bad. I was stupid thinking I could fight him on my own.”

   “Thank god Hunk got there,” said Pidge. “He said you were doing a very good job of holding him off, but there's really nothing a Bayard can do against a Galra blade as strong as his – it's a miracle he didn't stab you from the moment he walked down the steps.”

   “The idiot wanted to have a chat first,” you mumbled, eyes instinctively shooting up to look at Allura. She had not said a word. She was sitting back in a chair on the far side of the room, one leg draped over the other, her fingers messing idly with her lips as she gazed into nothingness; she didn't even seem to be paying attention to the conversation in the slightest. She was trapped in her own little world.

    “We'll redress the wounds before you go back to sleep for the night,” said Coran. “You'll be out of commission for a little while, but I can't see the damage getting any worse if you just take it easy for a few days. Do you understand that, Y/N? No walking around in the middle of the night, and no random missions with Hunk!”

   You grinned sheepishly. “Yeah. I understand.”

 Coran nodded firmly, wiping his hands on a towel he had taken from the bed side table; you couldn't help but notice that the towel, too, was dressed in blood.

    “Alright. We'll leave you to get some more rest, change your shirt if you want to.”

   You looked down, only then realising that the shirt you were wearing was ripped in multiple places from where Lotor's sword had swiped through it, and there was blood staining the entire thing. You winced at the sight of it, merely nodded before Coran and the others were turning and exiting the medical room, leaving you to look over the damage on your own.

   You stood up and headed towards the mirror. You still felt a little light headed, but much better and much stronger than you had whenever you had originally collapsed.

    You toyed with the gashes in your arm and frowned to yourself – how would they ever heal properly? Your skin would forever be wrinkled and cracked, scarred and always at risk of reopening; the skin had folded over itself, meaning one sudden jerk of your arm and your shoulder would be ripping apart all over again.

   You hollowed out your cheeks, chose to ignore that for now. You could inspect the real long term damage once the short term damage had healed over. Until then, there was no point in worrying too much.

   With a sharp pain to accompany your movements, you slowly started trying to peel the shirt off your back. It was harder than you had originally thought, your arms screaming at you in protest as you tried to raise them – it truly wasn't going to happen, but the blood was beginning to fill your senses, overwhelm you in that way that being drenched in your own blood only could.

    You bit down on your lip, tried to lift from the bottom again, but the material clung to you, and your arms weren't getting much higher than-

   A pair of hands softly laid themselves over yours, startling you. You yelped, attempting to spin around, but there was no point in doing so. The hands held you in place by the hips. You looked up in the mirror, your heart thundering whenever you saw Allura behind you.

   She wasn't making eye contact with you in the mirror. She was looking down at where her hands were placed over yours, as if expecting you to do something in return.

   The panic clawed at you, and you quickly let your hands drop to your sides, slipping them out from beneath hers.

   She leaned in. “Lift your arms up as far as you can. I'll help.”

   There were no words you could possibly have said, nothing you could have possibly done – you were in a trance, completely enthralled by this moment. Biting down on your lower lip in your attempts to fight off the blush rising on your face, you slowly raised your arms. They stayed curled at the elbows, you unable to straighten them due to the red hot pain you were feeling at the slightest of movements.

   “Is that as much as you can do?” Allura asked. You nodded, too nervous to speak. “That's okay.”

   And slowly, she manoeuvred the fabric over your bent elbows and slipped the t-shirt off over your head.

   You were left standing in your undergarments in front of her, but she made no sign of disapproval. She instead started to fold your t-shirt, placing it neatly on the end of the bed as you awkwardly folded your arms over your chest, trying your hardest to hide yourself from her view.

    She didn't look at you when she spoke, and her voice was barely above a mumble at this point. Her voice almost sounded strained, as if she was battling against her own wits. “Hunk told me what Lotor and you were talking about before – before things went bad. He told me how Lotor teased you.”

    You weren't entirely sure what she was talking about. What had happened between you and Lotor had become nothing but an abrupt blur in the back of your mind, though you faintly remembered Allura being brought into the heated conversation on multiple occasions.

   Could that have been what Hunk had reported? Had you perhaps said something stupid and he had overheard?

    You pursed your lips. “I don't really remember what happened.”    Allura stiffened at that, her shoulders dropping in what you could only see as disappointment. You suddenly wanted to take back what you had just said, but you knew there was no point; you hadn't been lying. You truly didn't remember much, didn't want to remember much. Shay and Hunk had got out safe, and none of the team was injured – that was all that mattered. Lotor could be left in the past until he decided to show up again.

    “I can jog your memory if that's what you want,” said Allura, voice barely above a whisper now. “He told me what he said. I – I can tell you, if you want.”

    “Was it really that important?”

   “It was to me. To hear it, I mean.”

    You raised a brow, arms still folded over your bare chest though you were much less worried about covering up now. “I – I guess I'm curious.”  Allura nodded, fiddling with the tag of your shirt as she spoke.

   She told you everything.

   The first few words were enough to jog your memory of what had happened. As soon as she started explaining it, your face flushed bright red in embarrassment and you had the sudden urge to tell her to stop, to tell her to forget everything Hunk had told her.

    She recalled the moment Lotor had figured it all out, and she recalled it with such a sense of perfection that you were nearly convinced she had been there beside you to witness the whole thing. The moment Lotor looked into your eyes, the moment he realised that you only ever truly got hostile whenever the topic of Allura was brought up – she recalled that.

    “Hunk said you got protective, that you got this look in your eye that made him think you were willing to kill,” whispered Allura. She looked up at you through the tops of her eyelids. “I didn't know you felt that way, Y/N. I really didn't.”

   You swallowed thickly, staring at her despite feeling the need to turn away and never look back. “Of course you didn't. I didn't make it obvious. You were in love with Lotor, and I have enough respect for you to be able to know my place. I wanted you to be happy, and if that was with Lotor-”

   “It wasn't with Lotor,” she ground out, as if the words physically pained her to admit. “I could never have been truly, fully happy with somebody who I was taught to hate my entire life. I took a liking to him, I will admit, but there was always a boundary between us.”

   “You would have learned to overcome that. You always find a way to accept people – even the worst kind of people.”

   Allura stepped forward then, dropping the blood stained shirt she had been folding. “That may be true in some cases, but even I have my limits.” She swallowed. You saw her necklace bob against her throat. “Whenever Hunk dragged you back into the ship and you were unconscious, I've never known a pain quite like it.”

   Your breath hitched in your throat. The room suddenly seemed too dark. What was she saying?

   If she noticed your sudden look of panic, she didn't bring it up. “We had argued before you left. I didn't want the words I spoke to be the last thing you remembered me by – which was why I made Coran and myself work tirelessly to bring you back. You would have died, Y/N. A single break for Coran and I would have seen you bleeding out immediately – but I refused to stop. I refused, and it was for the most selfish of reasons, but it was my reason, and it brought you back in the end.”

   She stepped forward again. Your entire body stiffened when she gently laid her hands on your bare arms, her fingertips causing goosebumps to sprout along your flesh. You didn't fight against her, didn't move away as she slowly turned you so you were facing the mirror again, facing your own reflection.

   Allura was behind you, her hands travelling up and down your arms as she stared down her own reflection, the image of the two of you standing together in the mirror. Your cheeks were flaming red, arms still neatly folded over your chest.

    “Do you want to know my reasoning, Y/N? Do you want to know the oh-so-selfish reason I refused to stop working?” she whispered. Her breath grazed your skin. Your legs felt weak beneath you.

    “Okay,” you croaked out.

   Allura leaned forward, lips just barely grazing your ear lobe as she spoke. “I needed you to know how I felt. How you make me feel. How you've made me feel from the very moment I stumbled out of that cryopod and into your arms.”

   Nothing could have prepared you for the warm feeling of her lips suddenly pressing against your bare shoulder.

   You inhaled sharply, shoulders jolting up at the sensation. It warmed your body and sent you into a shock all at the same time, a mixed emotion of pleasure and confusion all rolled into one. You watched her in the mirror; her eyes were open still, gazing back at your reflection and there was a tiny hint of amusement flashing in her irises that brought the hue back to your cheeks in a matter of seconds.

    She peppered her lips along your shoulder blade, leaving goosebumps in her wake as she did so. “Tell me to stop, Y/N. Tell me to stop and we never have to talk about this ever again. We'll go back to being best friends. Just tell me to stop.”

   Your eyes fluttered closed. Words were lodged in your throat, but you weren't sure what they were. So you shoved them down, ignored them as best as you could and just let the warm sensation of the womans lips on your skin overwhelm you. It overwhelmed you to the point where your head was tilting back and landing on Allura's shoulder.

   She pressed her lips to your neck then, smirking against the skin. The serious, stern Allura that had walked into the room had now disappeared, leaving behind somebody who truly did not care about getting caught. Her hands were winding themselves around your bare waist, tugging you impossibly closer into her chest.

    Until you could no longer take it. It was unfair that she was the one who got to kiss your skin whilst you were left mewling in her grip.

   You span around as fast as your injuries would let you and slammed your lips to hers before your brain could tell you to do otherwise. You didn't care. Your brain was a muddled mess of thoughts at the moment anyway, and you no longer cared whether or not people would walk in and see the both of you in such a state.

   You, topless, kissing Allura with a ferocity that nobody had ever seen from you; but this was years worth of tension, years worth of loving a woman who you were fairly certain would never even look at you in a romantic way.

    “We wasted-” You tried to speak, hated the empty feeling of pulling away from her lips and ended up silencing yourself by pressing your lips together again.

   Allura laughed, winding her hands around your shoulders. It was the hiss that emitted from your throat at the contact she had made with your injury that had her pulling away, that cocky smirk she once wore replaced by a worried grimace.

   “You're still injured,” she pointed out.

   You leaned forward, trying to press your lips to hers again, but she pressed her fingertips against them instead, pushing you back lightly.

   You narrowed your eyes, panting. “What?”

   “We have to get your injury re-dressed,” she said, and then she was turning away from you, and you were certain you had never felt so light-headed in your entire life.

   “Allura,” you groaned out, voice close enough to a whine that it made Allura laugh. She was walking towards the medicine cabinet in the far corner, not turning back to look at you. “Allura, come on. You can't just-”

   “Your health comes first.” She had gone back to her usual, formal self. “Now, sit down and start taking the bandages off. It'll hurt less if you do it.”

   You grunted but did as you were told, sitting on the edge of the mattress and beginning to pull the sticky, blood-soaked bandages away from your skin. There was a slight sting, but you managed to find a decent enough pace that had them slipping off with barely any pain to them.

   Allura approached you with fresh bandages and antiseptic cream in her hands. She nudged your knees apart, stood between them. Instinctively, still coming down from the high of the kiss you two had just shared, you placed your hands on her hips, causing her to chuckle at the action that screamed desperation.

    She applied the antiseptic cream and re-bandaged the wounds. Even after she had done the job, she stayed hovering over you, her hands finding perch on your shoulders as she gazed down at you lovingly.

    Lovingly. As if you were the only person in the world; that was how you had always wanted her to look at you, how you had always looked at her whenever you thought she wasn't paying attention.

    “I didn't mean anything I said back in the medical room a few days ago,” she said finally. “I don't think you're useless. I was just upset. I felt foolish for falling for Lotor's tricks whenever I – I should have known-”

   “Hey, hey, hey,” you cut her off, tugging her closer to you. She sighed and leaned forward, pressing her forehead against your own. “Less of that now, okay? Lotor will be dealt with – as I said before, nobody blames you for falling for it. We all did.”

   Allura closed her eyes. “I want – I want you to comfort me. I need you to comfort me.”

   “That's all I've ever wanted to do,” you whispered, before you kissed her again

[bravevulnerability]

Could you write a prompt where Kate is diagnosed with depression aswell as ptsd and she just falls completely when castle is running around with slaughter and isn't coming back?

The knock on her door startles her from a restless slumber on the couch, her heart pounding too hard from the traces of a nightmare she can’t recall. Beckett scrapes a hand through her hair, winces through a lingering headache as the pounding on her door continues, and rises from the sofa.

It’s a Friday night and she knows Lanie is worried about her, but she also knows that her best friend is in Buffalo for the weekend due to family obligations. The only other person who would show up on her door… doesn’t want to anymore.

“Beckett, I know you’re home.”

Her brow furrows at the impatient call of Castle’s voice, the contradiction to her reasoning, but she shakes off the hope before it can cling to her. Probably just wants her to bail him out of another mess with Slaughter, to bribe her with the final vestiges of his friendship before he leaves her out in the cold again.

Kate’s fingers stumble over the locks and she grips the door handle, belatedly remembering that she hasn’t eaten since earlier in the morning. It’s past nine  now, but she just isn’t hungry, can’t sustain an appetite.

She’s just… tired. So tired, all the time, but she can’t even sleep, plagued with nothing but bad dreams and paranoia instead.

She tugs the door open and Castle nearly stumbles into her, catching her by the elbows to steady himself. She braces her hands at his sides before he manages to take both of them down.

“What is so damn important, Castle?” she huffs, taking a step back once he’s stable and standing straight again.

The lines around his eyes, the dark circles beneath, match hers and she wonders if he’s been dabbling with concealer, applying thick coats beneath to hide the shades of exhaustion like she has. Because it shows without subtlety now.

“I - you. I was worried about you,” he stammers, his eyes raking over her, growing darker with every inch of her body he covers. Kate crosses her arms over her chest against the not so familiar concern in his features. 

He used to rake his eyes over her with arousal burning in his gaze. But he doesn’t want that anymore, doesn’t want her.

“Listen, if this is about saving yours and Slaughter’s ass from Valez-”

“No - look, I know I haven’t… been around lately, but earlier today, before I left the precinct, I - I saw the prescription bottle in your desk drawer and I-”

“You went snooping through my things?” she hisses, rounding on him even as her body wavers and his hands rise in supplication. “What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t want to be my partner anymore, but you think you still have the right to invade my privacy?”

“I wasn’t snooping, I - wait, don’t want to be your partner anymore, who said-”

“You did,” she snaps. “Without saying anything at all.”

“Beckett-”

“No. Whatever you came here to talk about, it doesn’t matter. Isn’t your problem anymore, so just go back to your blondes, your new muse, giving me the cold shoulder. I don’t care anymore,” she mutters, turning away from him, leaving him alone in her open doorway and doing her best not to stumble towards the kitchen. 

The door shuts and Kate releases a sigh that trembles past her lips as she grips the countertop, closes her eyes against the black spots the too harsh pounds of her heart create and the tears stinging her retinas.

“Why are you taking antidepressants?”

Dammit.

“I’m not,” she grits out. “I… my PTSD was resurfacing, so I made an appointment with my therapist. He wrote me a prescription last week, I had it filled, haven’t opened the bottle.”

“You’re not sleeping,” he murmurs, his footsteps growing closer, following hers and entering her kitchen. “You’ve lost a lot of weight too.”

“Thanks, Castle. You always know how to boost a girl’s self-esteem,” she mutters, steeling herself before she peels her eyes open, reaches for the breadbox in front of her.

She isn’t hungry, but a simple sandwich, maybe even just toast, should calm the spin of her head at least. 

“I didn’t just stop caring about you,” he mumbles, stopping only a few inches behind her. “I didn’t stop… loving you.”

“Don’t,” she whispers, biting down on her bottom lip, hardly able to feel the sting at the pierce of her teeth to the flesh already stripped raw. “I already know you didn’t mean it that way.”

“What... what way?” he demands, his hand claiming her shoulder, using only enough force to tug lightly, turn her around, Her knees choose that moment to give out. “Whoa, Kate,” he breathes, jerking forward to hook his arms beneath hers as she buckles, everything going white and weightless. “Shit, when was the last time you ate something?”

He eases her down to the kitchen floor, but her chest feels too light, empty even with her racing heart inside the cage of her ribs. She barely feels Castle’s cool hand on her cheek, his thumb at the corner of her eye.

“Hey, Kate, are you with me?” he murmurs, but she has to squeeze her eyes shut, fists her hands in desperate need to regain feeling in her fingers. “Just breathe. As soon as you’re breathing steady again I’ll make you something to eat, okay?”

“Not okay,” she whimpers, her bottom lip trembling openly now, her mouth too dry to control, to clamp down on the traitorous flesh. 

“I know,” he breathes, coos at her, leaning in closer to cradle her and it somehow makes it worse, makes her want to cry harder. “Deep breaths, Beckett-”

“Everybody’s gone,” she chokes out, her chest heaving with one of those deep breaths he instructed upon. “You’re gone.”

“I’m right here,” he growls, the scent of his aftershave penetrating her senses, and then he’s infiltrating her space too, curving his palm at her nape and sealing his forehead to hers. “I tried to stop, to be with other people - different women, a different detective, but it doesn’t matter, does it? Because I always end up right back here. With you. Whether I want to or not, whether you want me or not, because I love you and it’s not a choice or a switch and I’m tired of trying to stop it.”

Her hands shake as she blindly reaches for the front of his shirt, curls her fingers in the fabric, and opens her eyes, her vision still blurred and streaked with white, but not enough to block him out.

“Why stop it?” she gets out, staring up into the troubled eyes watching her, ablaze with worry and anger and hurt, with desperation and need. “Why do we have to stop?”

His brow knits against hers. “We?”

“I just wanted to be more, to love you back the right way,” she breathes, fighting the flutter of her eyes, needing water, but not wanting him to get up. “Wanted to be enough.”

“Kate,” he whispers, shaking his head before tilting his chin, moving to kiss her forehead, but she grunts, cranes her neck to steal his mouth with her own.

Castle sighs into her kiss, cups her face in his palms and tends to her lips with dedication, adoration, a sweep of his tongue. Doesn’t necessarily help with the dizziness.

“Shit, you’re going to pass out,” he breathes, squeezing the back of her neck. She finds herself managing a grin against his mouth before he pulls away, scrambles to grab her a bottle of water from the fridge. “Also, there’s no food in here.”

“Forgot,” she mumbles, dropping her head back against the counter behind her, focusing on her unsteady breathing. “I’ve been eating most of my meals at the precinct.”

Castle grumbles in disapproval and pulls out his phone. “What about your medicine? Do you need me to-”

“It was just to try,” she sighs. “I don’t want it. I’ll be okay, I just… I have to work on it.”

He pauses with the phone to his ear, returning to sit down on the floor next to her. 

“I want to be here for it,” he murmurs, holding her gaze, apologies alive in his irises, determination like specks of gold illuminating his pupils. “Partners still?”

“No.” She reaches for his free hand, drags it to twine with hers atop her thigh. “More. I want partners and more.”

[inkstainedfanfics]

Frosting and Crushes

Summary: Newt has been distant the past week, focusing only on Tina and their work. You try to strike up conversation with him at dinner, but, after many failed attempts, grow irritated and leave early. Queenie decides to take matters into her own hands.

Word Count: 2,224

Pairing: Newt x Reader

Requested by Anonymous

Requests are currently open! Feel free to send one in

You sit at the dinner table with no goal but to enjoy the meal as Queenie flutters around, stirring pots with both her hands and magic. She already denied your offer to help, so you decided to pass the time talking with her. Newt had disappeared somewhere, probably inside the case, and you had immediately decided against a walk when you glanced at the growing grey clouds outside.

Inside is warm and cozy. You’re wearing your favorite gold sweater. The heat from the cooking keeps out the bite of chilly air rattling the windows. Queenie is humming a jazzy tune you’ve never heard before, only stopping to giggle at Jacob’s red face when he bumps into her.

“I’m sorry.” He says as his face turns a shade of tomato red.

“It ain’t a problem, honey.” Queenie doesn’t break a stride. “What is it you’re making?”

You’re pretty sure she asks it for your sake, given the sounds your stomach has been making since he stuck the pastries he’d spent all afternoon making into the oven, and the smell had spread throughout the small room.

“Special strawberry turnovers.”

“What makes them so special?” You ask, raising your voice over the bubbling, clanking, and simmering sounds filling the area.

“They’re my momma’s recipe. Filled with love and one other special ingredient.”

Queenie swings by Jacob with the pot of stew in hand. “I don’t think nutmeg is very secret, honey.” Five bowls float down into their places around the table as Queenie sets the stew in the center.

“I never said –“

“You don’t have to.” She smiles at him and lifts the pot’s lid.

The rich smell wafts over the table to you. You breathe it in, closing your eyes to revel in the memories it brings back. Your mother always made beef stew with potatoes and chopped carrots for special occasions. Mentally thanking Queenie, you slide your chair back and step toward the pot, scooping the stew in until it nearly sloshes out the side. Queenie merely smiles at you and twirls around Jacob.

She resumes her humming. The turnovers mix with the scent of the stew and your mouth waters. The windows shake, generating a beat that Queenie forms her music around. Jacob’s laugh fills the warm room, and your entire world, for once, is at peace.

Your content joy only expands when Newt walks in, messy auburn hair plastered against his forehead from the rain sprinkling outside, giant, beautiful smile stretched across his face. You glance at your stew, fighting the huge smile trying to break upon your face. Queenie kicks you under the table and, when you meet her gaze, lifts an eyebrow. You give a quick nod before staring back down at your food, trying to resist beaming.

The fight becomes much easier when Tina walks in behind Newt, also covered in water, smile upon her face.

You can’t hear what the two say to one another over Jacob’s curse.

Newt and Tina jerk their heads toward him as the blistering pan clatters to the ground. Tina rushes over to help, flipping the sink’s faucet on with a flick of her hand and dragging Jacob’s poor finger under it.

Newt shakes his head, runs a hand through his watered-down hair, and drops into the chair next to you.

The butterflies return, choking you. You take a deep breath. You’ve known Newt for years. If there’s anyone you can hold a conversation with, it’s him.

“So, where were you?”

Newt looks over at you, almost surprised, like he hadn’t noticed you there when he sat. He smiles. “Oh, Tina and I had some things to look in to.”

“What kind of things?”

“Just some laws regarding a case we’re working on.” He cranes his head to peer at Tina and Jacob.

You resist pursing your lips. “What case?”

Newt glances back at you. “It’s nothing that would really interest you. Just some boring lawmaking work.” Before he even finishes the sentence, he’s looking back over at the two.

“It must be raining really hard out there.”

Newt is bouncing his leg now, gaze darting between you and Tina. “It’s quite stormy, yes.”

With a sigh, you give up on talking with Newt for now. Queenie shoots you an amused look you ignore when you think about kicking Newt’s shin. That would certainly get his attention.

You don’t even realize you’re scowling until Tina turns around and notices. You instantly wipe it, forcing yourself to smile and tell her nothing is wrong.

The chair screeches against the wood floor when she tugs it out. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.” You pause. “I’m glad you and Newt could make it back in time for dinner.”

“So are we. I didn’t think we’d make it before the rain started really coming down.”

She’s right. Rain pounds against the windows. The table shakes as thunder rumbles nearby and a streak of lightning breaks through the depressing dark lurking outside.

You sip in the thick stew. “You’re lucky.” You look back at Newt. “If we get a chance, do you want to stop by that pastry shop we saw yesterday sometime this week?”

You managed to pry Newt away from Tina’s side the day before and invited him on a walk before he could change his mind and let her steal his attention again. You’d rushed him out the door before she could enter the room. It’s not that you don’t like Tina. She’s sweet if a little frazzled all the time. You two get along well enough. It’s just that Newt has spent nearly all of his free time with her this past week. It wouldn’t bother you much if it weren’t for the way he looks at her: nervous but with a smile.

You’d seen that expression on plenty of boys at Hogwarts when February rolled around and they were wiping their hands on their robes and casting spells to lower their voices. Newt has a crush and it isn’t on you.

Still, you aren’t willing to lose your best friend to some new girl. “The shop with the little cupcake in the window?” You’d squealed when you saw the yellow cupcakes with speckled shells resting on the top. You had grown up near the ocean, so anything that reminded you of it was an instant buy for you. You didn’t have any money, though, so Newt had promised to return with you in a couple of days.

“I already went.” He looks everywhere but at your eyes.

You raise your eyebrows at your stew. “I thought we were going to go together.”

“Well, Tina and I saw it. It looked lovely and the shopkeeper offered us free croissants if we came in so we did. I’m sorry. We can go in tomorrow if you’d like. They have wonderful peach Danishes.”

You shake your head and push back from the table. “That’s fine.” You shrug off the weight of everyone’s stares as you stand. “I’m not feeling very well. I think I’ll go lie down.”

Newt stands, too, and calls out your name, but you’re already halfway to your room. He calls it one more time before you close your door and flop onto your bed, tears welling up in your eyes. That was your shop. You were supposed to go there with him.

You wipe at the tears, annoyed. It’s not like you two are dating or have even expressed any sort of explicit interest in each other. He’s allowed to be interested in other girls. He’s allowed to take them to pastry shops. Even if the pastry shop is one that you found together.

You drag yourself to the top of your bed and yank the covers over your head. Despite your best efforts, the tears keep coming. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. You had known Newt for years but not felt anything like this until four months ago. Maybe he never would.

You wipe at the tears again and close your eyes, taking deep breaths. The rain pounds in a steady beat against your broken window. You shiver and pull the heavy comforter tighter.

The storm strengthens then wavers while you lie in the bed, trying to relax and convince yourself to be happy for Newt.

Someone knocks on your door.

“Don’t come in.” You hope Queenie will just leave you alone for a while. Then the voice comes through and your heart freezes mid-beat. “I was wondering if we could talk.”

Newt’s voice, so nervous you can almost picture the pained expression on his face, weaves through your room. You hesitate.

“I just want to talk. If you aren’t feeling well after that, I’ll go.”

You kick the sheets off, taking as little time as possible to throw them back up and make them look undisturbed. A quick glance in the mirror leaves you relieved: your face isn’t red or puffy. The tears may as well have never existed.

You carefully pull the door open, peering through the crack at Newt. He’s biting his lip but smiles when he meets your eyes. “Could I come in?”

You nod and push the door open farther, stepping back to leave room for him. He follows you to the bed. You both sit on the edge, close enough to restart your heart and send it into a skittering rhythm.

He sets a small paper bag on his lap but doesn’t let go. Instead, he folds and unfolds the top, staring at the ground until you clear your throat.

“I just spoke with Queenie.”

You fight the urge to roll your eyes. Of course, she thought she should try to help. You know she means well, but this situation is awkward enough. It’s too late to tell her not to, though, so you may as well find out what she said.

“Oh?”

He holds your gaze easily now. “I suppose she’s right. I have been acting like a, well, like a dope, as she put it.”

You can almost hear Queenie say it, how her accent would drag out the o. “That’s normal, though.”

Newt’s smile only graces his face for a moment. “I wanted to apologize if you feel like I’ve been ignoring you. I haven’t meant to. Tina and I – we have a lot of work to do.”

“Newt, I understand.”

“I don’t think you do.”

You swallow the lump creeping up your throat as you consider your next sentence. It takes a breath, then two, but it finally comes out, interrupting Newt. “I know that you two are … interested in one another.”

Genuine shock crosses Newt’s face before his brows furrow and he lets out an incredulous laugh. “You think I want – No, I was right, you don’t understand.”

He laughs again as your cheeks redden. “But the way you look at her… You must.”

“I can assure you that I don’t. In fact,” it’s his turn to blush as he holds the bag out to you, “I bought you something earlier. I meant to surprise you with it later, but I suppose now is as good a time as any.”

The white paper crackles as you take it and peer inside. A speckled shell balances on a towering pile of cream frosting.

“The cupcake?” You meet his hazel eyes.

“I noticed it was the last one in the window. I wanted to go to the store with you, I did. But when I asked the baker if he would have more tomorrow, he told me that was the final batch, they had no more shells. I know how much you loved them, so I went in and bought it. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just … didn’t want you to be disappointed.”

“Newt, that’s so sweet.”

He chuckles, bowing his head. “I told you I’m not interested in Tina that way.” He looks at you from under his eyelashes. “I’m – I’m interested in you that way.”

You don’t know what to say, but hope that taking his hand in yours for a moment is answer enough. Newt seems to understand. He ducks his head, blush deepening, smile widening, and squeezes your hand.

After a moment, you let go and reach into the bag, drawing out the cupcake he saved for you. You gently split it in half with your hands, offering half to Newt.

“I guess I should thank Queenie, shouldn’t I. I was ready to yell at her for interfering.” Some guilt hangs in your chest. Queenie meant to help, and you had gotten angry. You’d have to apologize soon. She definitely heard.

Newt nods as you pick the shell off the top of the frosting and bite into your half. “She may have just saved us some trouble.”

“A lot of trouble.” You mumble, mouth full of honeyed cake. You take another bite, and Newt laughs. You can feel the frosting hanging off the tip of your nose, clinging to it. Before you can lift your hand, Newt leans over, breathtakingly close, and wipes it off in one quick motion. Without missing a beat, without any sort of hesitation, without even a warning, he presses his lips against the spot. It’s just a peck, just a small kiss against the sweet frosting’s old spot, and then he’s standing, walking toward the door, and pulling it open, turning to grin at you.

“I hope you feel better soon.”

The door closes with a soft click, leaving you alone to process what just happened.

[nyerus]

Victor Nikiforov Appreciation Post!!!

I just want to take a moment and talk about how much I love Victor Nikiforov and how he’s just such a refreshing character. I know everyone and their dog has done a post like this already but I’ve been crying over this lovable goof for months and this had been sitting in my drafts for too long now anyway and also I’m avoiding my textbooks AND THIS SORTA TURNED INTO A CHARACTER ANALYSIS I’M SORRY.

So as far back as the PV, there were assumptions flying around that Victor would end up being an antagonist of some sort. That either he was using Yuuri for his own gain, or was just straight up evil. Laughable now, of course, but the reason those rumors were prevalent was because we see it so often. How easy was it to think that Victor was “helping” Yuuri only to further his own goals in the end? We’ve seen this common mentor-betrays-student trope before and it’s no wonder that early on fans were afraid of this even as the show progressed. And honestly? This would have made for some great drama—for Victor to turn out to not be such a nice guy and for him to eventually become someone Yuuri had to defeat in competition. However the show did not go down that route at all. It turns out that yeah, Victor is actually just a really nice guy who cares a great deal about Yuuri and the people around him. He doesn’t show up in Hasetsu with any evil ulterior motives—he just wants to get to know Yuuri and help him take his skating to the next level, and maybe find inspiration (and love) along the way.

Also how could a man with a heart-shaped smile be evil???

(Continued under the cut.)

We know for a fact that pre-series Victor was a lonely soul who couldn’t find the same joy in skating as he once did. Though he loved skating, it was now suffocating him and he knew he was close to the end of his career.

Diagnosis: depression, probably

But instead of wallowing in it, Victor goes out there and skates his heart out anyway (335.76 points overall at the GPF holy shit goddamn that’s him at his emotional lowest????). Maybe he was hoping someone would hear his plea through his skating. Then he dances with a cute boy at the banquet and has a great time and his life is changed forever—only for said cute boy to vanish into the night. Victor was probably super upset after this, but again, instead of wallowing he goes out there and skates his heart out to nab gold at Worlds. Maybe this time he was hoping Yuuri would watch him. One (1) viral video later and he decides “well time to drop everything in favor of love” and fly off to Japan. Victor took a MASSIVE risk by doing this. Who in their right mind would drop an insanely successful career just because some drunk dude asked “be my coach” months prior and made no contact since? As a fandom we seem to like to code Victor as being this ditzy, spontaneous person—and he is, to a degree. But Victor’s very smart. He’s not an idiot by any means. He would have known what dropping everything and going to Japan would mean but he did it anyway because he decided that the risk was worth it. That takes an insane amount of courage and I think that’s super understated. (And I’ve seen the theories that state that Victor had actually been planning it for a while and Yuuri’s video was just the final push, but even so the point still stands.)

And when he gets to Japan, expecting a love connection with Yuuri, he’s quickly faced with that fact that Yuuri does not want that. Victor is very clear in his romantic advances—he makes this apparent early on. But once he sees that Yuuri is uncomfortable with this he stops being so forward. Victor was clearly hurt by this at least to some degree (the man goes to sleep cuddling his doggo when he gets rejected…), but he doesn’t blame Yuuri for it. He doesn’t take out his frustration on Yuuri or anyone else—he just accepts it. In so many shows/movies/books the guy is relentless about pursuing his love interest even if they’re uncomfortable with it (and eventually the LI gives in, blah blah blah). That or he just pins his LI down like we see in so many other shows. But Victor does none of these things. He does the normal, rational human thing: he lets it go. He stops being so forward because he sees that it’s clearly making Yuuri uncomfortable. Honestly I shouldn’t have to praise the writers for writing Victor this way—this should be standard everywhere—but here we are. For once we got a character that’s mature about his romantic advances being rebuffed. And he doesn’t sulk around, either.

(A shout-out here for Victor immediately supporting Yuuri’s “Katsudon is my Eros” spiel from that moment in episode 3. Like after the initial moment of shock, his knee-jerk reaction was support, not indignation or anything else. Victor knew that Yuuri was a sensitive person and was glad that he came up with something unique and quintessentially him, rather than saying anything that could potentially dishearten him before the big Onsen on Ice showdown. Did Victor break down afterwards and cry into his bowl? Probably. But not in front of Yuuri.)

Also I think if Yuuri gave off a strong “I-don’t-have-any-romantic-feelings-for-you” vibe for real, Victor would have totally backed off. He would have been crushed inside, but he was dedicated to being Yuuri’s coach already and he wouldn’t flake on that just because he was heartbroken. But Yuuri actually didn’t give off any such vibes—instead he sort of makes it clear that there was something between them, even if Yuuri himself was hesitant to call it romantic.

That’s the “hon I’m getting mixed signals from you” look.

Yet instead of returning to his old tactics, Victor realizes that he needs to be a lot more subtle in how he shows Yuuri affection. He takes the time to learn what Yuuri is and isn’t okay with, and he never makes Yuuri uncomfortable from this point on. And on that subject, he gets to know Yuuri as a person. This is highlighted especially in episode 4. When Yuuri pushes him away because of his own anxiety, Victor tries his hardest to re-connect. And when all his attempts don’t work, instead of getting angry at Yuuri and demanding an explanation like many people would, he takes Yuuri to a place where he can feel safe and comfortable (the beach). He opens up a little bit about himself first, allowing Yuuri to do the same afterwards. Victor clearly does not know what it’s like to have anxiety in the way Yuuri does, but he’s aware of that and sincerely tries his best to make sure he’s someone Yuuri can always confide in. It’s this genuine sincerity that makes all the difference, too.

And a moment here to cry over the fact that the beach scene was probably as pivotal for Victor as it was for Yuuri. It was probably one of the few times someone asked him to be himself instead of putting on a face. He was so ready to play whatever role Yuuri needed him to be (be it platonic or romantic), and that’s actually really sad if you think about it. That’s probably how Victor interacted with most of the people in his life. And even though Victor had feelings for Yuuri, he was willing to stow them in favor of being what Yuuri needed. But on that beach, Yuuri told him he didn’t want anything but Victor, as himself, not as anyone else—and to Victor that was probably something very important.

He probably has no idea what being himself means though.

Now I mentioned that Victor never coddles Yuuri and I think that’s a really important thing. Even though he’s clearly head-over-heels for the guy, when Victor is in coach mode he’s fairly professional. Sure he’s touchy-feely, but that physical contact is something that soothes Yuuri and gives him strength. Yet as quick as Victor is to give praise where it’s due, he’s just as quick to give constructive criticism. Sometimes he’s not always the most tactful when it comes to this, but it’s still really significant because, again, this is exactly what Yuuri needs. This is the type of support Yuuri craves and it’s why their student-coach relationship works so well. And while there’s definitely blurred lines in regards to aforementioned relationship, Victor does keep his emotions from affecting his coaching to a degree. The best example of this is in the beginning of episode 12, where Victor is very clearly still distraught because of Yuuri’s “let’s end this” thing, but he’s still as supportive of Yuuri as he can be despite the fact that he probably felt like he’d been shot in the heart several times. And when he sees that Yuuri is in need of support before the free skate, Victor tries his best to give him some comforting words until Yuuri tells him to knock it off and just be himself. (While we’re on the subject, I just want to point out that Victor never pressures Yuuri into making a decision about his future, despite how upset he was when Yuuri dropped the bombshell on him. Though maybe some clear communication could have prevented the whole thing—but I digress. That’s another post.)

Now of course I’m going to talk about That Garage Scene from episode 7, too. I know we were all going “what were you thinking?!” when Victor pulled the “if you miss the podium I’ll take responsibility and resign as your coach” shocker. But this was a super important scene, nonetheless, and made me actually really like Victor as a person. Because when Victor messes up here, he realizes it. He understands that he screwed up and inadvertently hurt Yuuri and immediately apologizes for it without trying to explain himself—because he knows it doesn’t matter why; what matters is that he hurt Yuuri by saying it in the first place. He has no idea how to comfort someone because he’s never been in an emotionally deep relationship before, but when Yuuri tells him what he needs out of him, Victor listens and immediately modifies his behavior so that never does something like that again. This is how an apology should be and is more than I can say for a lot of people, to be honest.

Switching gears now, I also want to talk about how even though Victor was in a foreign country, he never once complained. Everyone uses chopsticks to eat here? Great—chopsticks it is! Has to sleep on a futon for a few days until his stuff is set up? No problem! All the locals speak a completely different language than him? Konnichiwa, Mr. Fisherman! As someone who moved to a different country for school myself, I can say that adjusting to a culture is by no means easy. And for me, it was moving back to a country I was originally born in and whose culture I was at least surrounded by even back home—yet it was still a case of massive culture shock that took me months to adjust to. Sure Victor’s been around the world for competitions and things, but visiting various places for a few days at a time for a sporting event is vastly different than moving to a place and actually living there. Like… interacting with people who may or may not understand you, adjusting to the food and the climate, and learning the customs and language…? That’s a type of hard many people will never understand. It’s not easy for anyone and it probably wasn’t easy for Victor either—yet he embraced it with zeal and never complained. I don’t even know where to begin with that.

Too adorable I can’t—

Going off of that, Victor’s just a really nice guy. Like a genuinely good person. He’s incredibly talented, wealthy, and famous yet he never talks down to anyone. He never badmouthed any of his competitors (though no one in the show really does) and is courteous to everyone around him. He’s sincere in his affections and isn’t afraid to show it. It’s a little funny, actually, how on one hand he can come off as an eccentric genius who’s a bit lost, and yet on the other hand he just seems to have his shit together incredibly well. I.e. he can be a bit childish at times but when it counts he’s #AdultGoals.

But yeah, Victor is by no means perfect though. He has a number of flaws but all of them make him feel more real as a character. No one is perfect—we slip up and say things we don’t mean and do things we ultimately regret. And like… Victor is forgetful and doesn’t always know how to navigate a one-on-one social situation and is evidently not a paragon of clear communication sometimes. But when he does fuck up, he tries his best to fix things and never throws around blame. It’s just really nice to see a male character who is genuinely funny, kind, and sensitive (and beautiful) and not subject to those creepy, toxic masculine stereotypes we often see in media.

(Since we don’t know anything about Victor’s past I didn’t mention it. But if it turns out he has a tragic backstory I will cry myself to sleep because it would mean he’s a sweetheart despite that—and those are the characters I like the most.)

[wornoutmouse]

Illumi x black reader ch 3

Reminder that this will all be posted on ao3 @ kachansmassivetiddies as well

It was the next day when Illumi came home and all night you had to force yourself to ignore the phone calls that came throughout the night. "Y/N I brought you breakfast." you could vaguely hear the monotone voice through your sleepy state. Sitting up you wipe your eyes and look around the room before finally taking in the food in front of you. You blink slowly as you take in the large egg in front of you. It was about 2 feet tall and larger than your own head with speckled spots all around it. "Illumi what the hell is this?" Illumi blinked at you, "A boiled egg, I heard it is popular among you people." he replies, taking out a spoon and whacking the top of the egg at light speed. All at once, the egg was made up of cracks before they all fell lightly around the egg itself. 

 

"You people? What does that mean" you glared at him, arms folded. Illumi looked at you blankly before closing his eyes and standing up, "Isn't it obvious? Americans." You looked at him for a while, questioning the life choices that lead up to this moment. "Are you going to eat this with me?" you asked poking the large food product with a fork provided by Illumi's brother from your last meal. Illumi shook his head, "No I ate two weeks ago I'm quite full." 

 

At this point, you didn't have any desire to question it as you pierced your egg with your fork eating it. You were surprised at the abundance of taste it held without having any noticeable sauce or seasoning on it. "This is amazing!" you said digging in the egg savoring every bite. Illumi took out a notepad and scribbled something down. "What's that?" you ask, eyes lighting up as you finally made it to the yolk. "Notes my mother gave to me in order to make you accept this family as your own. Step 1: Take them, easy enough. Step 2: a way to a man's heart is through his stomach." Illumi looked up to you with what you could only guess to be pride.

 

"Did you just call me a man?" you asked blandly suddenly wanting to throw something at the skinwalker. "As far as I can see, you carry no masculine features but even if you did, my family has ways of making it work." Illumi says gesturing at the pins adorning his green vest. You internally shiver at the sight of them as you think back to the night you two met. "Why wouldn't you answer my calls?" Illumi asks, black eyes peering down at you as if they could swallow you whole. "Why did you call me while you were inside someone. Aren't I supposed to be your wife?" you questioned sarcastically licking your lips and setting the plate to the side. 

 

You had only finished about 1/8 of the egg but you felt as if your stomach would implode on itself. You jump as you see a pale hand planted on the bed next to you. You gaze up at Illumi as he looks down at you, seemingly to take in all your features. "Would you prefer I were inside you?" You squeal jumping up and out of the bed falling onto the floor. "Where did that come from!?" you yelled pointing an accusing finger at Illumi as he walked around the bed towards you. 

 

"Although I would prefer our lovemaking to be only when conceiving a child, I do not mind indulging in your fantasies." He says sliding a nail down the middle of his vest opening it up to reveal a green shirt underneath. "You stay right there slender man! Touch me and it's on sight!" you say wielding your fork as if it were a weapon. "Onsight? But I can see you just fine, are you perhaps blind?" You look at him with distaste as you stand up lazily throwing the fork in his direction. “You’re so weird.”

 

Illumi looked like a kicked puppy, “I don’t know what was strange, you chose to insinuate that you were jealous of me giving physical pleasure to another woman.” There was a knock on the door and a tall man with a mustache walked in. “What is it Gotoh?” Illumi asks, facing the man. Gotoh takes in your disheveled appearance and Illumi’s rare lack of that ugly ass jacket and smirks. “Look OG I don't know what you're thinking but that ain’t it.” you say rolling your eyes before walking into a closet to see what you could possibly wear. 

 

Illumi looks at you with an eyebrow raised, “What is an Oh Gii? Is it a term of endearment?” You look at Illumi for a while before giving him a thumbs-up, “Yeah totally.” Gotoh pushed his glasses up doing his best to contain his amusement. “Your mother and father request a meeting with you and your fiance.” Illumi nods and Gotoh takes his exit. 

 

You pull out an outfit that looks similar to what Illumi was wearing but instead of green it was red. “That'll work.” you mutter flinching as you feel arms wrap around your waist and you feel Illumi rest his head on your shoulder. “I am quite fond of you Oh Gee.” 

 

You have to close your eyes and take deep breaths in order to keep in the laughter threatening to exit your lips.

Much to Illumi’s outward displeasure yet obvious pleasure, you and him were wearing the same thing. Although his vest was tightly hugging your chest and the pants were getting ready to bust from your ass. You two walked down the corridor in silence as you took in the navy blue walls that adorned the hallways. “I mean, knowing what you people do I wasn't expecting to see any loving family photos but how do ya’ll not get depressed with all this nothingness.” Illumi gazes forward but pulls out a small parchment. “I prefer to carry family memories.” 

 

Illumi holds out a small photo to you. You look at it and it appears to be a child Illumi with his father in the woods. Ordinarily, this would be a sweet and endearing photo if not for the fact that Illumi was covered in blood splatter. “This was my first kill.” You quickly handed back the photo and chuckled awkwardly. “How cute a child murderer.” Illumi nodded, “Grandma thought so too.” 

 

You silently prayed that someone, anyone would come to get you from this nightmare.

 

Illumi opens the double doors and allows you to walk in first. The room was much more lively than the halls but still managed to not look out of place. The room was a deep orange with golds everywhere from the linen to very abstract paintings placed in gold frames.

 

Sitting on a large pillow was Illumi’s mother and if they had your way, your mother-in-law. Illumi’s father of course sat next to her, broad-chested and overall intimidating. “I bet his dick is small.” you mutter trying to ignore how fast Illumi turned his head to gaze at you.  “Illumi my son, come, come, sit!’ The woman cried, throwing her arms in the air in a welcoming manner. Illumi sat down.

 

You continued to stand because there was no obvious pillow for you to sit on. “Umm.” you scratched the back of your head before walking close to Illumi to sit. “No need for you to sit my dear, you will be leaving soon anyway.” you raised your eyebrow at that and couldn’t help but feel a chill go down your back. “W-What does that mean sir?” you ask. To your left, a small man in a lab coat walked from behind a door holding a clipboard. “We are ready sir.” he says not looking at you the entire time

 

“Y/N can you please go with him.” Illumi orders not even giving room for objection. You put your hand on your hip slapping away the hand the little man offered to you. “Like hell, I’m just going with Dr. Frankenstein over here without having any information!” Illumi sighed, having the audacity to look embarrassed. “You chose yourself a feisty one, my son.” Silva chuckled looking at you with a gleam in his eyes that made you thoroughly uncomfortable.”Illumi!” you warned, tapping your foot on the carpet. “More like obnoxious.” you could hear Kikyo mutter but you were too pressed with Illumi to care.

 

“It is understandable Illumi, I’m sure she would be more comfortable with her husband present during the examination.” You tapped your foot faster, getting anxious at the words 'examination.' 

After a long pause, Illumi get’s up and follows you into the next room. This room was ordinarily dull. The floor was hardwood but the walls seemed to be adorned with expensive fabrics. “Miss if you will, can you roll up your shirt so I can draw blood.” You jerk your head at Illumi who simply looked blankly at you. 

 

Seeing no other choice you roll up your sleeve but before the doctor could put the needle within you, you freaked out and stopped him before holding your hand out to Illumi. Illumi looked at your hand before recognition set in his eyes. He leaned forward and gave you a high-five. “My brother Killua taught me that.” You put a tight smile on your face before reaching over and grabbing the nearest object and throwing it at Illumi’s head satisfied as it hits him square in the jaw.

 

“No dumbass, hold my hand.” you responded. Illumi opened his mouth to say something but decided against it before taking your hand into his. Illumi’s hands were unsurprisingly cold considering how pale he was. The fingers were thin, long, and too delicate to belong to someone that takes lives for a living. You couldn’t quite help but laugh at how your skin tones concentrated so drastically, it was almost comical.

 

Before you knew it the blood work was done but you still didn’t let go of Illumi’s hand fearing what was to come next. “Please take off your clothes.” You Look at the doctor for a second before slowly sliding out of the chair and bolting for the door. Before you could make it you feel the neck of your vest being jerked back. “Don’t make this difficult please.” Illumi sighed. 

 

“Hey you're not the one being asked to strip in a strange place.” Illumi shook his head, “Would you like it if I striped you instead of the doctor?” You smacked him on the back of his head, “No with your weird-ass!” 

 

In the end, you kicked Illumi outside and found yourself propped up in a chair as the doctor took swabs in your cooter much to your discomfort. Illumi comes back in by the time you finally put your pants on and you follow him and the doctor back to the original room. 

 

“How did it go doctor?” Silva asks and as you come closer you notice a large pillow sat out for you. “I’ll have you know my findings are quite peculiar. This woman seems to be a second nen ability within her but it’s dormant. This only happens with twins when one consumes the other.” You knew this fact, your momma always joked about how you were so hungry as a child that you ate your sister. “And what else.” Kikyo said, opening a hand fan impatient. “Is the girl barren and therefore of no use to us?!” 

 

“Oh you won’t have to worry about Illumi’s ability to produce children, this woman is extremely fertile. In fact, I’m sure all it would take would be one time. There is also a high chance they could produce a white-haired offspring.” Your eyes widened, Kids? What the hell are they talking about, it’s been 3 days do you not get a got damn orientation? Silva held his chin in thought, “Though I do not doubt Killua’s loyalty, it’s always good to have a backup.” 

 

You stood up and headed out the door as fast as you could, fists clenched. “Back up my ass, I ain’t having no brat with any of you people!” You walk down the hall, having no intention in mind highly doubting that you could make it to any exit without this damned family allowing you to. “Who the hell are you?” You hear a voice down the hall coming from a small boy with white hair. ‘This must be Killua.” You thought as you continued to walk past him, “A bad bitch who doesn't need no weird-ass fish-eyed man.”

 

Before you take another step, you hear a loud sound coming towards you, “Get out of the way!” Killua said, pushing you against the wall. There is a loud crack then footsteps, “Hello Killua.”  You heard Illumi’s monotone voice say as he comes to be in front of you. Reaching above your head, Illumi picks out one of his pins from the wall behind you. “The hell was that Illumi!’ both you and Killua yell out, pointing an accusatory finger at the man in question.

 

“I see you’ve met my bride.” Illumi continues ignoring the situation. “It was good to see you again, finally tired of your ‘friend’?” Killua scoffed, “No, I’m here because dad called me.” he shrugs, putting his hands in his pockets and walking away, “Hey!” you look up at Killua who had his hand raised in a wave, “Sorry for your loss.”

 

Illumi crowds you back into your shared room with more force than necessary. “Hey watch it!” you snap shaking your shoulder out of his grip. “You embarrassed me in front of my mother.” He replied blandly. You roll your eyes, “Well sorry for you pretty boy, but I have bigger fish to fry.” Illumi looked around the room slowly, “I swear to god if you say-” “What fish?” You groan plopping on the bed burying your face into the sheets. 

 

In your own world, you ignore the feeling of the bed sink, but you do not ignore the crotched pressed into your ass. “What in the hell do you think your doing nigga?!’ you say not in the mood whatsoever. “What is a ni-” you swing your hand behind you and attempt to slap Illumi in the face only for him to grab it and press it into the sheets above you. You begin to feel uneasy, “What are you doing fish eyes!?” You attempt to lift your hips but he secured them with his own. “Considering the results, I say that now is a perfect time to start consummating.

[queenk00k]

but what if we were pure gold all along? chapter 2

Summary:  Set immediately after the Season 1 finale. JJ finds a way to cope when he feels like he has no one, and finds someone unexpected to enable him.

READ THE PROLOGUE HERE

Chapter 2: the one where pogue promises are bullshit

NOTES: hi here’s the first proper chapter of my fic!!! pls let me know if you enjoy it or not & know that whilst i’m working on this, fic requests are open <3 

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“You mean she can’t hang out with us at all?” JJ asks Pope over cereal late the next morning. It feels almost insulting to John B to be doing something so irritatingly normal but hey, a boy’s gotta eat and he sure as shit won’t be getting breakfast at home.

“Nope. Parents got her on lockdown,” Pope answers solemnly. “They freaked out after the whole running from the cops thing. Not to mention, they’re not keen on Kie ending up like…” Pope trails off as JJ looks up at him sharply.

“They could still be alive man. We don’t know.”

JJ’s sure Pope looks at him with pity as he replies, “Maybe. But I mean, JJ, the Phantom in that storm…Shoupe said it himself, they took an open boat into a tropical depression. I just don’t see how they could still be a-alive.” Pope chokes on the word alive as if it were poison and he sucks in a deep breath as tears fall down his cheeks and JJ can’t take it anymore. He pushes back his chair, the metal legs scraping against the floorboards as JJ rises from the table abruptly.

“I’m going out,” he says as he feels the walls closing in and he just needs to get outside before its too overwhelming and goddamnit he’s sick of crying, will it stop sometime soon?

“JJ-“ Pope starts to rise from his chair but JJ waves a hand at him to sit back down, not looking directly at Pope in case, God forbid, he sees just how broken JJ feels.

“Nah man, it’s fine. I just need some weed. I’ll see you later.”

And with that, JJ makes his way out the front door alone, his feet heavy and his heart heavier still.

JJ’s been staying at Pope’s house for a week now and he can’t help but think he’s the only one struggling. He still hasn’t seen or spoken to Kie who, according to Pope, is still on strict lockdown, and Pope has thrown himself into studying and finding loopholes for other scholarships that would let him interview. This leaves JJ with not much to do but wander aimlessly, not going too far just in case his dad decides to come looking for him.

Pope joins him on the back porch one night where, despite strict orders from Heyward to not get up to any mischief in his house, JJ is surreptitiously pulling on a joint, the smoke curling outwards into the un-seasonally cool evening.  

“Mind if I take a hit?”

Lost in his thoughts, JJ jumps at the unexpected interruption. “Shit man, you scared me. Sorry, I know your dad said not to get up to anything but I just feel like garbage and –“

“Nah, I know. I get it. Pass it here,” Pope replies, sitting down next to JJ on the worn steps. JJ passes him the blunt, the corner of his eyes crinkling in a rare smile.

“Coming back to the dark side, are you?” After Pope’s outburst around the time John B and Sarah went missing, he vowed not to get like that again.

Pope coughed as he blew out the smoke. “Ha, no. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

JJ takes the used stub and crushes it under his boot. “Uh oh. That’s never good.”

“It’s fine. More than fine. They’re letting me interview for the scholarship position again.”

“You’re kidding. Bro, that’s awesome,” JJ replies sincerely, clapping his calloused hand on Pope’s shoulder. “I mean it. Good for you. How did you manage to convince them?’

Pope smiles at him. “I told them about John B and Sarah. They figured two friends going missing at sea counted as ‘extenuating circumstances’.”

“Extenuating?”

“Means they agree it was fucked up and they’re letting me off the hook.”

“Hmm. Well, that’s great man.” JJ smiles. “Why did you want to talk to me about it this way?”

Pope sighs. “I’m just preparing you. I’m gonna be pretty busy trying to figure out how to answer their questions. I wanted you to know now so you don’t think I’m trying to ditch you.”

JJ nods solemnly. “I appreciate it. Thanks.”

Pope stares at him for a moment. “Do you think your dad is gonna come looking for you?”

“I don’t think he’ll try anything with your dad around.” JJ scoffs. “I’m pretty sure he was always scared of him.”

Pope nods and before he gets a chance to reply, his phone lights up with a new text and he steals a glance. JJ is sure he looks happy about whatever it was.

“Hey, I gotta head out and pick my dad up. Are you good here?”

“Yeah man, I’ll see you later.”

Pope claps him on the back as he bounds down the steps and in the darkness, leaving JJ alone to battle with his conflicting emotions.

On one hand, he’s overjoyed at the prospect of at least one of them having a decent future, considering his was pretty shot to bits and he had no idea what Kie was thinking, but on the other hand…on the other hand, JJ couldn’t help but feel jealous and a little hurt that Pope had something else to focus on other than the fact that one of his best friends was dead.

JJ remains sitting outside for longer than he realises, contemplating rolling another joint to keep him company and scuffing his boot in the dirt, willing himself to stop feeling so fucking emotional all the time.

-----

After a while, JJ is brought out of his own head a second time as the sound of the front door closing causes him to jerk his head up.

JJ stands and makes his way through the back door, stopping abruptly when he realises he can hear Pope’s parents voices, but not Pope himself.

JJ gets the sinking feeling that Pope was lying to him, and he edges forward to make out what the hushed voices were arguing about.

“….and the longer he’s here, the more danger we’re putting our son in.”

“What do you suggest we do then? You know we can’t let him go back home. That boat was his father’s and I know what Luke is capable of. I’m worried for the boy.”

“He can’t stay here…”

“Last time I checked, Luke was scared shitless of me and-“

“You’re not 30 anymore baby, and he’s unpredictable - he could have a gun. JJ needs to leave, go into foster care or something, but he’s not staying here whilst we risk our family.”

A loud, resigned sigh. “Fine, I’ll talk to the boy.”

JJ’s heart races and he breathes heavily, nostrils flared and hands curled into fists. He turns slowly towards the back door, opening it quietly, praying that Pope’s parents don’t hear him leaving, their words echoing in his ears.

“…the longer he’s here, the more danger we’re putting our son in.”

“He can’t stay here…”

“…he needs to leave…”

JJ kicks the wheelbarrow as he crosses the yard, out of anger or fear he’s not quite sure, and ignores the searing pain in his foot. He was used to feeling like a burden, so why did this hurt so much? He wanted to be angry at Pope’s family, and he figured he was a little bit, but he also understood. He wouldn’t want to put Pope in any more danger than he already had.

JJ rounds the corner and runs straight into Pope, who has the decency to look a bit ashamed of himself. JJ can’t help himself as he narrows his eyes.

“Picking your dad up, huh? What were you really up to?”

Pope opens his mouth to stammer out a response but before he can come up with another excuse, JJ notices something in the glow of the street light.

JJ curses and moves Pope’s collar to reveal a dark purple bruise. Pope’s eyes widen as he steps back, faltering under JJ’s cool gaze.

“Is that a hickey?” JJ manages to ask through gritted teeth, his jaw clenching. “Have you been sneaking off to see Kiara?” JJ’s angry, sure, but he’s also hurt because why doesn’t Kiara want to see him and why is Pope lying to him and why does nobody want him?

Pope clears his throat. “I’m sorry man, we’ve just started going out and she needs me and-“

“You’re going out now?”

“I mean yeah, she did kiss me and everything and it just kind of escalated from there-“

“And what about ‘she needs me?’ What about me, bro? What happened to us Pogues sticking together?”

“JJ, I’m sorry man, Kie’s parents don’t want her seeing you and I don’t want her getting into any more trouble-“

JJ interrupts again as he shoves Pope away from him, his blue eyes icy as he struggles to contain his anger. “Yeah man, whatever, I get it.”

JJ stalks past Pope, muttering “unbelievable” under his breath and heading straight for his bike.

“JJ, please,” Pope starts but JJ holds up a hand to silence him, as he hops on his bike and speeds away without looking back.

Pogues don’t leave each other behind, huh? Bullshit, he thinks as he speeds away.

------

JJ finds his way to The Chateau without even thinking, almost as if muscle memory brought him here. He stops his bike out front and heads inside, smiling tersely at the fondness he feels for the place. When his own home wasn’t safe enough, which was often, he felt most at home here with his friends, stealing food from John B and crashing on the futon after keggers.

His throat burns at the thought of John B, at the thought of the Pogues, at the thought of the fact that Pope’s been screwing Kiara and lying to him about it and why the hell is that their priority right now?

JJ walks slowly down the hallway, noticing how the place has been completely trashed and stripped bare thanks to those square groupers and now the cops. God, all of that seems like centuries ago. How did they manage to end up here?

JJ barely makes it to the back of the house before a familiar voice makes him stop in his tracks and his blood run cold.

“Boy, if you’re in here I swear to God I’m going to kill you!”

JJ gulps.

Looks like dad came looking for me after all.