#he has wanted to fuck one man in his whole life and his weird fuckin great great granpa's fucked up brother killed him before they could

[boimgfrog]

does jotaro have kids ever btw. I cannot possibly imagine that man fucking like jolyne cannot have come from him

I hc jotaro accidentally became a sperm donor and jolyne was an IVF baby. bcos I also think he is incapable of fucking.

[nanaslutt]

Ok so I was thinking about soul swap (??) With gojo. Gojo doing🫣 stuff to his body in which readers soul is from readers body. Or can have reader doing stuff with her body..hope u understand kinda high rn. 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Body swap with Gojo

contains: fem reader, masturbation (m&f), reader & Gojo’s perspectives, perv!gojo & reader, multiple orgasms, “first orgasm” (experienced as the opposite sex), dirty talk, teasing, mutual pining

MDNI

°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･°❀⋆.ೃ

"Gojo this is fucking serious!" You yelled, still getting caught off guard when Satoru's voice could be heard in your ears even though you were the one talking. "Okay okayy, I'll text Ijichi to come to get us, relax your little head." He responded in your voice. This whole thing was so fucked up. The two of you were fighting some curse together-- Gojo had no real reason to be there but he insisted on it for "safety reasons" (he was bored). You had gotten hit once by the curse right before you finished it off, and nothing strange had happened until Gojo came up to you and laid his hand on your shoulder to make sure you were alright, and that's when it happened—the soul swap.

Gojo pulled out his phone and held it out in front of himself, waiting for the face ID to scan him in. The man that currently resided in your body shook the device, frustrated. "Oh, this fuckin'..." He gave up, typing in his password as the device buzzed again and again, refusing to let him in. His antics made you giggle, turning your head to the side you sniffed to conceal any laughter he might pick up before you went back to watching him call for help.

"Ijichi? Heyyy, little problem~" Your higher-pitched voice reverberated through his speaker, no doubt confusing the poor overworked man on the other end. "Why do I have Gojo's phone? Funny you ask.." Gojo went on to pace around the area, throwing your hands up in the air as he explained the situation to Ijichi. You took the opportunity to look down at your temporary body, running your hands down the sides of Gojo's massive coat, which actually fit him. You felt the hardness underneath his clothes, pouting your bottom lip out in surprise, you figured Gojo would be fit, but you never knew for certain.

You had been a teacher at Jujutsu High for as long as he had, and the two of you had gotten quite close—which is why you didn't put up a fight when he insisted on coming on this mission with you, now you were starting to regret your decision. "Checkin' out my body while I was callin' for help? Perv~" Gojo teased, blocking your body off in a cross with his arms dramatically as he spoke. "Don't flatter yourself Satoru, you had something on your jacket." You lied through your teeth.

"It feels weird to hear my own voice chastise myself.." He pouts, placing a hand on his hip. "Yeah, well it doesn't feel great to see you flaunting around in my body either." You respond, holding a dejected look on Satoru's features that he probably has never made in his life. "Oh? you don't like me inside you?" He teased, covering his mouth as he giggled mischievously. "Please don't say gross things in my voice," you responded, rolling your eyes as you started to make your way out of the run-down building so Ijichi could see the two of you from the street.

"You're so serious~" He teased, using your shorter legs to run up to you and wrap himself around your arm, leaning your head against his arm as the two of you walked. "Also why did you not tell me you had to pee so bad." He said, making you choke on your own spit as you stopped in your pursuit of the road. "You are not under any circumstances going to piss while you're in my body." You emphasized, making a point to look into his eyes when you spoke.

"Why? Don't want me to see your cunt? heh." He laughed, once again using his filthy mouth to defile your voice. "What do you think Satoru?" You said, deadpanning at him. "Ahh~ you make my face look so scary~" He teased, curling your body up to his own arm once more as the two of you pushed forth towards society once more.

Once Ijichi's car, and the anxious man himself, came into view, you pushed the body that was clinging too tightly to your arm off of you. "Are you two alright?" He asked, coming up to your body. "Oh, Ijichi ~ you're such a caring man~ why don't you-" "That Gojo Ijichi, don't forget.' You reminded, looking blankly down at the dark-haired man, who had started to blush at your words. After an apology from the nervous man, and a quick slap to your body's shoulder that made Gojo whine through his laugh, the two of you got into the car.

The drive had started off with more shenanigans from Gojo in your body, trying to fluster Ijichi, which you quickly shut down by slapping Gojo's large hand over your own mouth. After that though, the drive started to quiet down, the three of you falling into a comfortable silence save for the radio playing some generic song in the background to fill the void. You noticed Gojo had started to bounce his leg in your body, peeking out the corner of your eye you saw your head was tipped back on the headrest, your eyes were squeezed shut, and your lip was pulled between your teeth; you looked like you were in pain.

"Gojo." You whispered, making him drop his chin and look at you, before he smiled through the uncomfortably, "I wasn't lying about needing to-" You quickly cut him off, waving his hands in front of you, "I know, I know." You said, before heaving out a sigh, "This fucking suuuuck." You drawled, letting your own head tip back agaisnt the headrest as you heard your own voice giggle at your unfortunate situation.

—

"Satoru hurry!" You yelled, tapping your foot anxiously on the ground as you stood in front of the bathroom door with your arms crossed, waiting for Gojo to finish his business. "Don't rush me! It's hard to pee with a blindfold on you know." He sighed, your voice coming through the door muffled. You had tied Gojo's own pitch-black blindfold over his eyes before you let him go into the bathroom, making sure he couldn't see a thing. You wanted him to leave to door open so you could make sure he really didn't peek, but then you put yourself in his shoes and realized you wouldn't want Gojo to watch while you were.. so you abandoned that thought.

Right before you were about to yell at the man for taking too long again, he opened the door, the blindfold off of your eyes and in your hands. Your face tunred beat red, your jaw dropped and your lungs filled with profanities and curses, ready to spill but- "I took it off to wash my hands captain stick-up-her-ass, relax~" He said, giving you a smug look before he pushed past you and started walking down the hallway. You bit your tongue as you watched your body move down the hall, "Where are you going?" You asked, placing your hands on his hips.

"Well~ I was hoping you could show me to your room because.." He held your hands out in front of him before he gestured to your body, which was covered in dirt, debris, curse blood, you name it. You could feel a headache start to come on, rubbing your fingers against his temple you sighed, realizing he was going to have to take a shower. You followed in his footsteps down the hall as you passed him, leading him to your room. "Thank you~" He cooed, a pep in his step as he followed behind you.

Once you reached your room you gripped your hand on the top of the door as he slipped under your arm and made his way into your room. You were caught off guard for a second, you knew Gojo was big, but you never really realized your size difference until now. Feeling yourself grow hot in the face you quickly snapped yourself out of it as you followed him into your room.

"Ahhhhh~" Gojo moaned in your voice, plopping him and his filthy body down on your pristine sheets. "You have two seconds to get off my bed before I use your own technique to kill you." You said with his deep voice, making him sigh as he reluctantly dropped his legs back down onto the floor and dragged his body off the sheets, standing as he crossed his arms at you. "Im tireddd, you seriously need to work on your stamina." He said, rubbing your thighs with your hands, "This body is exhausted, I feel like I'm going to collapse." He complained.

You ignored his comments as you dug through your drawer, trying to find something sufficient for him to change into. You settled on a pair of shorts and a baggy t-shirt, collecting them under your arm you threw them in his direction, the man skillfully catching them in his hands. "You don't have anything a little sexier?" He said, holding up the ragged band tee in front of him while he tucked the shorts under his arms. "Please." You begged, your eye twitching when you turned to look at him.

"You should probably.." You froze, your face heating up at the words you haven't even spoken yet. "Stop making me look so bashful, it's unbecoming." He said, a face of displeasing spreading itself on your futures. "God- Fuck, please just go take a shower and don't.. don't- don't be weird!" You sputtered, throwing your hands in the air in defeat before you opened the door and stepped aside so he could leave your bedroom and head for the shower rooms. "Yes ma'am~" He cooed, looking up at you through your lashes at you while he walked past you and started down the hallway.

Once he was out of view, you shut your door behind yourself as you slid down the wood dramatically, burring your face in Gojo's massive hands as you tried not to think too hard about what he might see, or what he was going to do with your body.

--

Gojo locked the door to the shower rooms behind him, screw anyone else that needed to wash up he needed to be alone right now. Your pleas and begs to not look at your body too long or be weird with yourself getting thrown out the window when your frame came into view in the full-length mirror that was in the bathroom before the shower stalls. He whistled at what he saw, turning himself around he looked over your shoulder and stared at your ass through the mirror.

Gojo was having the time of his life checking out his new temporary body. He was astonished at how pretty you still managed to look with messed up hair and ruined clothes. He stared intently at your body as he turned back around and started unzipping your jacket slowly, biting his lip when your body clad in a tight black t-shirt came into view. "Fuck, this is insane." Gojo laughed to himself, feeling a familiar yet unfamiliar warmth blossom in your stomach.

He let the jacket drop to the floor before he crossed his arms over your body and gripped the bottom of your shirt as he slowly dragged the fabric up and over your head, a shaky breath escaping your lips when he saw your bare flesh, the top half of your figure only being clad in a bra. "She'll never know." He giggled to himself before he turned around again, slipping your fingers under the hem of your pants he slowly and seductively slid them down your body, the heat in his stomach growing when your pantyclad pussy came into view as he kicked the pants to the side.

"Who knew all I had to do to get you naked was to do it myself." He said, watching himself in the mirror. Fuck, your voice was turning him on. He might be the one in control of your body right now, but the soul residing inside was still Gojo Satoru, the man who got hard watching you stretch your arms over your head before you spared. He turned around and reached his hand behind his back to unclasp your bra, biting his lip and smiling when he felt your tits fall freely in the air.

"Fuck." He wined in your voice, making your body grow wet as he slid the garment off your body and let it join the pile that had built up on the floor. He brought your hands up to your breasts as squished them together, kneading the soft mounds in his hands, pinching your nipples, jiggling them around, he touched and manipulated them in all the ways he could thing, all while he giggled at his own ministrations. "Now to see this cunt~"

--

Back in your room, you were still on the floor, your head had left the confines of your hands as it rested against the door with your eyes shut. You were going over in your head the way you looked from his point of view; how much smaller than him you were, the height difference, his deep voice, how warm his body was, how- what the fuck was that? You swore you felt something twitch in his pants. You dropped your gaze hesitantly to his lap and noticed a large tent was poking up right where his crotch was.

You had got to be joking. While fantasizing in his body, you had accidentally riled yourself up to the point you were sporting a boner? This was unreal. How did it go away? How long would it take? Oh god, why was his pervy body so sensitive? You did notice the familiar warmth in your lower regions, only in this body, instead of almost feeling your arousal throughout your whole body, you felt it more focused on his crotch.

You bit your lip, shutting your eyes as you tipped your head back against the door again. You couldn't stop your mind from wandering back to all the little things you noticed while being in his body, you wanted to stop you really did, you could not be like Gojo, you were not a perv, you were not a hypocrite.. but one look couldn't hurt anything right? Gojo would likely be in the bathroom for a while, he would never know if you just looked at it, right?

With a heavy sigh, you stood up and walked up to your full-length mirror, unzipping his jacket quickly and throwing it on your bed you lifted his shirt up on his body and stared at his insane physique. His abs seemed to glow under the light in your room, and the indents and muscles on his frame seemed to go on forever. How did he manage to stay so fit when he was constantly eating all those sweets? Men..

The bulge his body was sporting in his slacks made the whole view look so much more erotic, you bit your lip, your breath picking up the more you shamelessly gazed at his body in the mirror. You lifted his shirt more to get a view of his rock-hard pecs, a shaky breath leaving his lungs at his long and toned torso completely unobstructed by clothes to your eyes. You had already come this far.. looking a little more wouldn't hurt right? It's not like you were going to touch anything and besides! Gojo was absolutely doing the exact same thing right now.

Although the thought of Gojo checking out your body the way you were doing to him right now made your face heat up, you once again felt that same twitching under his pants. "Ugh, fucking quit that!" You chastised his dick, your face scrunching up in annoyance as you spoke to it.

You slipped his fingers under his waistband, you slid the fabric down lower- his v-line became more visible to you, lower- a white happy trail was exposed, lower- the base of his cock was unveiled as you could now see it throb under your gaze. You slid his pants down to about his mid-thighs, biting your lip as a shaky moan left his lips, making you feel dizzy at the erotic sound. His cock dripped a thick drop of pre onto the floor beneath you as you watched it hang freely in the room, twitching in the air.

He was so big it almost made you mad, realizing at that moment his cockiness and confidence not only came from his good looks and impressive talent but also from his massive cock. You dropped to his knees, perching yourself on them as you pulled up his shirt and bit the fabric between your teeth, letting yourself have a full view of his body. "Fuck." You moaned, the sound coming out muffled from the fabric tucked between your teeth as you let his warm hands come up to caress his body.

You felt every indent and ridge his body had to offer as you smoothed his massive hands over his body. Any guild you might've felt earlier being washed away at the unreal sight in front of you. The throbbing in his crotch was becoming unbearable the longer you worked yourself up. You tried to stop your hands from dropping any lower, you really did, but when you felt the way his hand wrapped around his cock, the relief, the pleasure, you had no regrets.

--

Gojo sat on the floor of the shower with a slack jaw as he watched your small fingers piston in and out of your tight cunt, moaning and whining at how warm and wet you felt around your fingers. "S-Satoru, Satoru-" He moaned in your voice, getting himself off on hearing your voice moan out his name. "Fuck- this feels so fucking good-" He whined, tipping his head bak agaisnt the shower wall.

He thought fingering himself would feel uncomfortable, but he was sorely mistaken. Your body was made for taking things inside your tight little cunt, the feeling of pleasure immediately washing over his body from just sliding his fingers inside your cunt. He had already cum twice from fingering your body and rubbing your fingers over your sensitive clit, he just couldn't get enough. He had no idea how long he had been in there for, but the water was still running hot so it couldn't have been that long.

"Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, yesyesyes-" He moaned in your voice, wanting to get the most out of this experience while he could, he didn't know if he would ever get to be this up close and personal with your body again after all. He tweaked your nipples in his fingers, biting your lip as loud moans echoed off the walls of the bathroom, his hips humping into your fingers as he felt himself approach another orgasm.

"Soooooo fucked- heh- S-so fucked up" He groaned, your voice raising in pitch as he fought the urge to keep your legs apart, moaning out his name once more when he came. Your body curled in on itself as he continued fucking his fingers in and out of your cunt, working himself through the orgasm. "A-ahhh ngh- fuck-" He wined, pulling his fingers from your walls as your legs snapped shut, and your cunt clenched around nothing. The friction your thighs brought on your sensitive cunt as you came down from your orgasm felt heavenly.

Your body relaxed under the pelting water droplets hit his body, your gasps filling the bathroom as he tried to catch his breath. Gojo couldn't help but think how much better it felt to come as a woman, he felt like his whole soul left his body each time he came, the electricity that zapped through his whole body and made his mind cloudy was a feeling that could not be beat. He almost started mourning the curse you had killed, he wanted to experience this all the time.

With a sigh he pulled himself off of the floor, standing on shaky legs as he shut off the water and giggled to himself as he took the towel down from the side of the shower. "Fuck, it feels a little sore down there.. hope she doesn't notice, heh." And with that, the white-haired man started to dry off your hair and dress your body back up in the nice clean clothes you had given him.

--

"Fuck- fuck- o-ohmygod" You rapidly stroked your hand over his cock while you stared at Gojo's body in the mirror. It was a weird feeling, being aroused by this body while you had full control over it, but the fucked up situation almost made it more exciting. Gojo's balls felt so heavy and warm under your palm as you massaged in between your fingers. His back arched in the mirror every time you ran your hand over the sensitive tip of his dick.

It had taken you a minute to get used to the feeling and to find the right rhythm, but once you did, you were going fucking insane. You don't know how Gojo had lived his whole life with such a sensitive cock, every time you stroked over his length his body jerked and twitched, pre cum dripped from his dick, and his breath hitched, it was a mess. His needy whines and deep groanes you had occasionally let slip was driving your arousal up the walls, the way his abs clenched under your ministrations, and the feeling of his cock twitching when the stimulation got too much; you were feeling drunk.

"Right fucking- there- yess~" You groaned in his voice, stroking his cock slower but rougher as you squeezed your fist tightly around him. You wished you could fuck someone while you were in his body. If his hand felt this good, could you imagine how a mouth felt around it? Or a pussy? An ass? The possibilities and fantasies you were painting in your head were making his balls tighten, a familiar feeling coiling itself in the pit of his stomach.

"Shit, think I'm gonna cum." You vocalized, wanting to hear his voice, as the effect it had on you was embarrassing. You might be incapable of saying the filthy shit Gojo says on a daily basis, but you were sure as hell good at moaning and vocalizing your pleasure when something felt good. You wanted to hear how his voice sounded when it moaned out your name, but the embarrassment was too much, just thinking about it made you blush.

Your breath picked up as you thrust his hips to meet your strokes, both losing rhythm as you brought his body closer and closer to orgasm. "A-ahhh- fuck its coming its- fu-fuck-" You groaned, watching with a slacked jaw as long ropes of cum spurted out of his dick. Some of the ropes coated his hand and eased the slide on his cock as you stroked him through his orgasm, some being shot out onto the mirror in front of you, making the whole scene look pornographic.

His orgasm felt different from the ones you were used to, but it felt just as good. The heat was stronger in the pit of your stomach, and his cock was ten times as sensitive as your clit usually was right when you came. You felt different afterward too, a wave of shame and realization flooded over you when you realized what you had just done. "Ughhhh.." You groaned, being able to blame the unreasonable hornieness on this new body of yours as you washed the shame from your head, using a nearby towel from the other night to wipe off your dirtied mirror and his sensitive cock.

You winced and sucked a breath in through your teeth at the oversensitivity you felt while you wiped off his softening cock; silently curing him as it was still massive when it was flaccid. As soon as you tucked his cock back into his pants and straightened his apearance back up, you heard a knock on your door that nearly sent your soul flying out of your body.

"Let me innn, it's cold out here~" You heard your voice whine from the other side of the door. You took a deep breath before you walked over to the door and pulled it open, being faced with a damp-haired you. "Why do I look like shit? My face is so red." Gojo complained, walking past you as he dumped your clothes in your hamper before he walked over to your mirror to fix up your still-wet hair.

"Just got hot," You brushed off his remark. "How was your shower?" You asked, avoiding eye contact as you watched him fix your hair in the mirror. "Ohh you know~ Hot." He giggled. You rolled your eyes at his words, dismissing him as you plopped his heavy body on your bed and stared at the ceiling.

"I need to get my body back." You mumbled under your breath, making him look over to you from his place in front of the mirror, "What was that?" He asked, making you bite your lip between your teeth as you sighed heavily, replaying the last couple minutes over and over in your head. "Oh, nothing." You replied, biting the inside of your cheek.

part 2 :)

[evilminji]

You knooooowwww... >.>

The only difference, technically, between a school in the Zone? And on Earth? Is the American government won't recognize your Zone diploma...

Not accredited. But like..... I'm JUST SAYING? If you didn't try to pass your school off as some Big Ivy League type? Pulled the "oh yeah, you'd never have heard of it, it's local." And the COMPUTERS say it's legit?

How many people will dig deeper?

If you legitimately have the knowledge, you legitimately have the knowledge. Not YOUR fault you left out the whole "extra-dimensional" part. It makes folk nervous! And nervous folks get stabby.

So like? If you were ALREADY planning to "Move" as you euphemistically put it? Talked it over with your VERY concerned folks and friends? Who do NOT like the look of the steady but concerning rise of Anti-Ghost Powers That Be? Who finally put their foot down and reminded you that you are a TEENAGER and it's NOT your responsibility to fix the world?

Well...

Fuck those guys, I guess. You'll miss the old house, but Team "Taking our ball and going literally anywhere else" makes some good points. Why ARE you putting up with this?

And honestly, you've never SEEN your dad have so much fun. Him and the Reality Realtor just sorta... Vibe. Himbo to Himbo communications. Smatters of advanced physics. Fudge. It's great.

They move the portal. Collapse the old one in a way that makes it impossible to recover or recreate. You... kinda don't want to ask. They had that "mad scientist glint" in their eyes.

And while everyone's checking out brochures to different realities? You? Head off to the nearest College. It's the Zone, so technically you could go to any of endless billions. But you'd like your education some time this century.

Cue! Danny Fenton! Entering?

Academia's wet dream. A sprawling CITY of a college. Where the classes are on EVERYTHING and the price is FREE. People have Obsessions okay?? They NEED to teach. Debate and discuss! Study! Right papers and read them! It's been going on a while! And what happens when you find a subject that's NOT covered?

YOU COVER IT!

It's like if New York was a College. Good fucking luck find the dorms. Sleep on the floor like the rest of us, you casual.

Danny was Not Prepared ™.

He loves it though.

Classes on aeronautics next making the perfect sandwich, shoved next to historical basketry, stacked above alien slam poetry. But only on Tuesdays! Ever shifting. Breaking his Fenton Born Adhd in to a fine PASTE to be smeared upon bread. Happy mental stimulation chemicals go Brrrrrrrr

If it wasn't wildly inappropriate, he would LICK IT to claim it as his then wrap around it and gaurd like a territorial cat. He thought he HATED school! Turns out he just hated high-school. College though? College, or at least ZONE College, is fuckin AWESOME.

He's sit in SO MANY random classes just cause.

Picked up and dropped them at a whim. When they no longer sparked joy. He's been a flighty bitch and for once? No one CARES. No one says "you HAVE to commit and stick with this FOREVER once you choose this" and? It just? It's so FREEING! He's learned so MUCH!

He's probably gonna come back!

Which? Is how a deeply, DEEPLY weird aerospace engineer from supposedly bumfuck NOWHERE, end up working at Wayne Industries. He's.... a lil crazy behind the eyes. Ha ha... CONCERNING ™!

Dude sleeps on the lab floor. Has weirdly spotty knowledge. Can be an unprecedented genius one second and not know who the current president is the next. Doesn't know what DAY it is. Forgets to eat. Tried to make a fusion reactor out of the break room toaster before Sandra from accounting distracted him with pictures of her cat.

It's like he wanders through life blissfully unaware that he is both terrifying and about three seconds from killing them all. Then FUCKING TRIPS because he forgot to tie his shoelaces again.

Who hired this man?

WHY!?

I mean, we KNOW why. Probably to put him on a watch list. But? He's like a terrifying murder puppy! Built like a tank! That's stoned out of its mind half the time. And have you HEARD his college stories? That CAN'T be legal. Was this guy raised in a cult!? Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!????

@hdgnj @legitimatesatanspawn @babbling-babull @dcxdpdabbles @hypewinter

[noobsoconfusing]

‘heartworm’_hamzahthefantastic

tired and sleepy conversations with your boyfriend who doesn’t shut the fuck up .

fluff, suggestive talk about martin, family ideas, cuddling in bed, established relationship.

>_<

one thing you noticed about your boyfriend is that he has many things inside his head, a raging –almost painful– need to tell you everything he is thinking about, and while you thank him for the trust, you can’t help but wonder if he analyses the things he says out loud before verbally vomiting them.

“y/n, are you awake?” hamzah’s voice came out soft and groggy, his low tone dragging in a whisper made you open your eyes almost so quick that it hurt.

“hmm, yes.” you replied, adjusting your sight to the dark room.

“do you…wanna talk?” he shifted on the bed, turning his body to face yours. he had a small smile as he looked at you. you felt warm.

the way his hair was messy, and his face so naturally familiar to you felt almost dreamy.

hamzah’s big sleepy eyes made your heart feel like a cooker bomb. weird comparison but to be honest you could almost feel the way it was going to explode anytime.

and god, you love him so much. unexplainably so damn much. he thought the same of you.

“cant sleep, huh?” you asked, getting closer to his body under the covers, but then you felt how one of your cats, probably blue, squealed. he was probably sound asleep between hamzah’s body and yourself, always looking for warmth. the protection of his cat parents

“mmm, nope, not really.” he sighed. “have so much stuff going on, you know? inside my mind, i mean.” he admitted, one of his hands travelled to your face, and he stroked your cheek only to feel some sort of contact. “so fuckin’ pretty, huh, you’re my pretty girl..”

you leaned into the touch like a needy pet, and he couldn’t help but smile, heart feeling full.

“whats inside your mind, hamzah?” you asked curiously.

although you were extremely tired and sleepy, hamzah always came first to you. soul intimacy was important, not only sex, and you wanted to know what was bothering him or keeping him awake at such indecent hours.

“you. always.” oh. “like, for real, y/n, and i don’t wanna sound obsessed, even though yeah, i am pretty much obsessed with you–,” he paused to swallow. your heart felt so heavy with a feeling you couldn’t quite describe, but only hamzah made you feel. “i am always thinking about you.”

to be reciprocated, to be seen. hamzah made you feel seen, as he pretty much matched your deep feelings for him. –oh, y/n, you match my freak!– his voice filled your head. so nice.

“i feel the same way” you bluntly said. “each day i feel like we have been dating for my whole life, because this crazy funny feeling never really goes away.” by that you meant, the exciting feeling of expectation and young love.

first love.

he giggled, low tone. “right! i know, it’s like, okay, like i feel like i am a kid in love, you know? all silly and nervous around you, but at the same time i feel like we have been married for ages!”

to be reciprocated, to be seen. to be in love.

“i love you, hamzah.” you admitted, your voice suddenly softer.

and he didn’t reply, instead, he lifted the covers all the way up till they were engulfing your bodies, the closeness was comforting, and his arms moved around your frame until a hug was crafted. so perfect and tender. his body was like a boiler, providing you of heat, almost like a heat pad for cramps… but man sized.

he looked at you, big round eyes silently speaking, hoping you hear them, –god i love you, i love you so much you’re my fucking world, i wanna spend my whole damn life by your side.– silent confession.

instead, he says;

“have you ever had tapeworms?” hamzah asks out of the blue.

you blink. blink twice. then three times. and then you sigh, remembering your boyfriend was just, well, just like that. it didn’t ruin the atmosphere though, you enjoyed… whatever the fuck he was trying to say.

“hmmm, i don’t think i have had tapeworms, no” you answer snuggling up to his bare chest.

hamzah hums. “it’s fine, me neither by the way, i just asked ‘cause whenever i think of you my heart feels like it’s got a tapeworm inside of it…”

silly, you thought. lovely.

“yeah. i think i know what you mean.”

“i think it’s in the way we match each other so fucking well, yeah? i never thought i could find a person that just… loves me… for what i am…” he said and you felt your heart skip a beat.

your eyebrows furrowed. “elaborate.”

“for instance, you’re my friend, but also my girlfriend, but also my wife, but also my best friend, and not only that, you’re also like, my life partner, you know?”

ugh, stupid fucking feelings. you felt so deeply about hamzah that your heart felt like it could burst out anytime.

“hey, i love you so much it’s almost overwhelming.” you admitted, melting into his touch. “for so long i thought nobody would ever notice me or listen to me or even just, be my friend. or try to take the time to understand me…” your voice lowered at the end of your sentence.

he groaned at how close you were. satisfaction, of course.

“you’re so beautiful, y/n.” he kissed the top of your head. “like, i also thought that martin would be my only friend forever, as scary as it sounds.” he laughed and you did too.

“hey! martin’s nice!” you defended your friend.

“i mean yeah, i love him too, but it’s different. not in the way i love you, and i know he doesn’t love me in the way he loves mandy.” he explained.

“yeah, i know.” you laughed sleepily, as you leaned onto hamzah’s body. it helped a ton that he slept shirtless because you liked the raw closeness.

“martin is cool, but if i had never met you, i would have blue balls and an empty heart!”

“and gay allegations, still.” you added, laughing.

“but most importantly blue balls..” hamzah said serious, with a sigh.

“huh?!”

“i can’t fuck martin. i can’t make love to martin, though, just think about it.”

“dude…” you said, trying not to burst out laughing out loud.

“i have thought about it, but only before meeting you, it’s just weird!” hamzah explained, with a nervous smile on his face.

“you don’t have to think about that, hamzah!” a smile creeped up on your lips. an awkward one.

“right, i know.” he defended himself-, “i don’t think about it anymore, i was just a lonely man before you, though.” ah, you knew that.

every time they could, mandy and martin made sure to tell you how much of a loner miserable man hamzah was. a painfully single dude. even the slushies would be constantly commenting jokes about it.

“because you’re weird that’s why…” you joked and he clicked his tongue. “that’s why i love you”

“you know, before you; it was my hand, lotion, tissues and me against the world.” he listed as if it was a great accomplishment.

as if it was something super fucking serious. to be fair, it was very serious to him.

“no video?” you joked. it felt so nice and genuine to talk about silly stuff like this with your man.

he stopped to think for a second. “nah, just my imagination. always imagined you though, even before meeting you i always imagined someone like you.” he kissed your forehead.

“wow, how romantic, it’s almost as if you’re not talking about beating your meat.”

as you both comfortably joked and laughed, a nice silence filled the room.

hamzah pulled you closer, which you thought was physically impossible, but still, your body thanked his devotion for physical affection.

his low voice broke the silence.

“y/n…”

“yes, hamzah?”

he sighed, holding your waist close to his own. you could feel him, feel him merging with your body, but it was nice, not really anything more than intimacy.

“i can’t wait to have a family with you.” he said, the weight of the confession leaving his chest felt so good.

your eyes opened wide. and you stuttered to reply.

“we are a family.” you said.

the cats, him, you. yeah, a family as god intended, right? but still, you knew what he meant. and you wanted it too.

“do you think we’ll be good parents?” he asked, the tone in his voice indicating he was being honest, being hopeful. he hoped for you to say yes so badly.

you thought for a moment…

“i think we’ll be okay, hamzah.” yeah.

“we’ll be okay, love.” he said, but it was almost as if he was trying to reassure himself.

hamzah wanted a big family, and he liked thinking about caring for the little humans you’d create together.

and the room filled with silence yet again, as you heard his calm breathing, you realised he had fallen asleep. the comfort of his embrace made you fall asleep as well.

hamzah felt so safe with you, so understood. never judged at all. he said weird stuff, but you always had a smile on your face. never grossed out by him, never angry, always loving.

it was nice. to be reciprocated, to be seen.

the heartworm inside his heart wiggled happy, eating his flesh and leaving a trace of only you.

>_<

hope u liked this. i did. heh.

[alwaysshallow]

― blood on my shirt, rose in my hand

SUMMARY: Simon Riley knows you have bad experiences with dating, but he also knows you don't really need no one but him. He's gonna provide you anything. So you can imagine how he could change, when for the first time, you think you've found the one man who's right for you. To your surprise, weird events happen during the time you date Nick. Thankfully, Simon's there to help you. (11,4k)

READ ON AO3

A/N: this is SUCH a long piece, so some of it is here, but the full version is on AO3. i hope you're gonna forgive me for this one </3

"It's not like I'm ugly, right? I thought about it. If I'm ugly, so that's why it doesn't work out." you sip your favorite wine, looking right at your best friend, who has been listening for the past hour your ramblings about dating.

"You're fuckin' stupid, but not ugly, pet."

He's the best friend in the world – you can say this, meaning it with your whole heart. In fact, he's the best friend everyone probably wished to have, at least in your mind. Not only here for you, but loyal, you can tell him basically anything. He wouldn't say a thing, even if someone was nagging, and he was mostly a good adviser; all the qualities you looked for in a best friend, right?

And he was brutally honest, like right now, but you don't mind it. Simon Riley had this thing, and even if sometimes you were almost offended at his bluntness (like this one time, when he told you you're a crying mess and you act… worse than a toddler), you mostly appreciated it. Your other friends couldn't compare to his honesty, this man was not the one to lick your ass.

Or, so you thought.

"Excuse me?" you raise your eyebrow, laughing, while shaking your head. "You should, I don't know, tell me I'm amazing and they don't deserve me. Or so." you joke; it causes him to roll his eyes.

"That's what I told you. Different words, but the same thingy."

"Right."

It sometimes sucks for you that Simon isn't a girl. He has this unbelieveably annoying guy thing, where he just can't be delusional with you, and he can't just mourn over some hot guy. His way of thinking is… on the other level, he totally skips the mourn part, the part that is pathetic; he's just saying things like "move on" and "there's a lot of them anyway". Again, you love it, but you really wish you could cry about guy being so pretty that it hurts, without him rolling his eyes.

Yet, when you're more in mad mood than mourning one, his attiude is just perfect. He's the one to encourage you to scream, he even brought you a few times to rage room when you needed to smash a few things, not to mention the attiude he was setting you in. Powerful, not giving a shit about a "piece of a man that doesn't deserve you".

Simon sighs. "You're worryin' too much. Really that desperate?"

You huff, as you sink more into the plushy couch in your apartment. "I'm not desperate. It's just…" you take a few seconds to think "being love starved."

"Sex starved, you mean."

"Love starved." you send him a look.

"Mhm. You fancy plushies, hugs, and all shite like this?"

"You're so fucking British, it hurts" you laugh. "Yeah. Yeah, I want something like this. Someone to hold me, someone that cares about me and I know it. Sex comes in package, of course, but it's just… ugh, I want a man" you groaned.

You feel as pathetic as ever, when Simon doesn't respond – because how exactly should he? He wasn't vocal about things like this, he usually just nod his head, and there it was, another topic. A miracle it was that he was already listening to your date rambling, not cutting it off because he was uncomfortable or something.

Dreams about your love life… more girly conversation.

Mostly – you know guys who loved talking about it, obviously, and you adore it pretty much, especially when you can know their perspective on some things, but… Riley wasn't really one of them. He had "simple hookups" as he said one day, when you asked him about doing double-dates. It wasn't even an option, he just liked to ocassionally fuck and that's all.

So you stopped trying a few months ago for a double-date. Instead, you focused more on finding a man that would meet your expectations at least in the middle, and that was exhausting, to be honest. Tinder dates were just a disaster after disaster – if it wasn't some catfish, a guy that wanted to marry you and have kids after two weeks of writing, it was most definitely a guy with a desire to bang you quickly.

Romance was dead these days, you noticed. That wouldn't keep you away from trying to find someone, though. Patience was a key in things like these.

"Maybe you will set me up with one your friends? It wouldn't suck. You know them." you think out loud.

"Definitely too much wine f'you." Simon takes your glass, and pours all of the liquid to his mouth, swallowing it like it was some kind of juice, not alcohol. "You don't want a guy from military in your life. Trust me."

There's some sternness to his tone, at which you raise your eyebrow. It was just a funny comment from your side, nothing else – you know by the heart that this man doesn't like the idea of connecting his two worlds. "I know, Simon. Just joking, right?"

You place a hand on his. It's a comedic, yet, heartwarming view, when you see the size difference.

"And, you're pretty cool for a military guy."

He huffs. It seems like pretty cool offends him, but he doesn't say it out loud, so it can be only your imagination working. "You met me before I enlisted. 's different."

"How different?"

"You knew me before military."

He doesn't give you another answer that night, nor the continuation of this one – he brushes you off, like you are some kind of bug that is disturbing him, and brings up another topic, about his deployment. He asks if you can watch his apartment when he's gone, take care of it; it's stupid, Simon knows that you will always agree, but it's the need of asking you anyway.

And, he likes coming home, where he can smell your perfume, where he can see that you made some changes. You tend to do that a lot, mostly buying stuff to his apartment. "It looks worse than room in the hospital" you always say, when he cocks his eyebrow with amusement. He doesn't say that, but he finds it really adorable that you care so much, to make his space… cozier, even if he's not really attached to it. Mostly, it's for your comfort when you come to visit him, and that happens a lot; not like he minds it. Anyone else would be banned from his apartment, but you? Oh God, you wouldn't be, not in the milion years.

You could probably be the worst ever to him; call him names, punch, anything, and he would still be your Simon. It's what he was used to, to being by your side, no matter what time, no matter if you were in the good mood or not; your presence was everything to him.

Not like he'd ever confess that, but it is what you know, silently.

Yet, you are so good to him. Always sending him letters or texting him when he is on deployment. A couple of times, you sent him little things too, if he forgot something, photos included too, but new ones; mostly you captured views, but you were here once or twice. His happiness may not be that visible to outsiders, but his heart is full every time.

"My girl", he'd tell boys when they saw a polaroid of you, swiftly tucking it into his vest because no one was allowed to see it more than three seconds.

Often, Gaz joked if you are actually his girl even if you're not dating, but it sounded so bizzare to Ghost. How would you not be his? Thirteen years of friendship counted as something beyond being only his best friend, no? At least in his mind it was like this. He was used to you dating briefly other guys, but it lasted maybe a few months top. Nothing serious, probably his hookups were more meaningful than your relationships.

So you can easily imagine his confusion, when your mutual friends tell him big news about your new object of interest; someone that he doesn't even know yet, but he's not really his fan on the beggining.

It was just a month of being away.

His eyes are on you now; you are embarrassed, looking anywhere but at him. You don't even speak, you just wave your hand in dismissive manner, trying to change the topic because you don't really want to talk about it. Not in the presence of your best friend, at least.

It works for everyone but Simon, and you know it by the way he looks at you, processing what he just heard. Changing a topic, sudden talkativeness from your side is like buying time in that, time precious to think what to say to your best friend later on.

Because you know for the fact that he'll ask. He always does, and now he has a reason.

You have your reasons why you haven't told him. "It's nothing serious. That's why I didn't tell you." your voice is a little more silent than usual, but he can hear it anyway. You two are taking a walk to your apartment with no one around; and it's awkward one.

Simon seems like he doesn't want to say anything about your poor choice of men. It worries you; he always wanted somehow to make fun of you or make comment. Now, it's just a nod, like he gets it, but you know it's not it. He doesn't get it.

But you don't know what it is.

"C'mon!" you nudge him, and when it doesn't seem to affect him, you stand right in front of him. A little wobbly because of alcohol, your vision isn't so great too, but it makes him stop in his tracks. "Say something."

"Somethin'" he grumbles, and you can't help but roll your eyes. "What? Told me-"

"-I know what I told you!" you cup his face in your hands. Your head is a bit hazy, but the intensions are clear; making him talk and soft. It always works, so you have a lot of hope. "He's a good guy, but I want to meet him a bit closer to be… certain about him, you know? You've heard me whining about boys a bit too much."

"You can tell me everything." he muses, and you can't help but smile at that. Of course – of course you can tell him everything. You never doubted it for a second, and you think of yourself as stupid, doubting that he wouldn't want to hear about it. "Ill be the judge of that, though. Good guy thing."

"I can't be trusted?" you tease, and when he lets out a low chuckle, you grin even more. It's like a reward after him being his grumpy self.

"No." he shakes his head. "You don't know what is good for you. But that's why I'm here."

Under the influence of alcohol, you didn't pay too much of attention to his words; probably you wouldn't pay attention to it even if he'd say this when you are sober. Simon as your protector – it's so natural, you don't even need to think about it as something weird. It's just the way things are for thirteen years, everyone knows this.

Your friends, who were a bit reluctant on the beggining, but two parties later, when he joined the competition of drinking on time and wasn't drunk at all, he won over their hearts.

It was tougher with your parents, when you were in highschool. A little distanced at first, they constantly asked where were his parents (which, you told them, was rude asking, especially to his face), telling you how much of a bad news he could be for you. Suggestion of him ruining your future was the worst, you never thought of him this way; that discussion caused you to give them the silent treatment for a few days.

Apparently after that, suggesting that Simon is around you too much, clinging to your side and giving you "weird glances", they stopped the narrative, admitting that the boy might be damaged, but not broken. You still felt like they're judging their every move, but seeing that he had pretty good life plan, seeing that he thought about military and went here actually? Hell, they completely stopped being suspicious in any means.

Riley just had this thing of charming people, even if they didn't like him in the beggining. He had everything under his finger, trying to keep things under control – it was like that… pretty much since the beggining of his life. You met him when he was an adult, but he always liked to keep things under control; people, things that he cared about. What belonged to him was sacred, untouchable for anyone else.

The possessiveness started in his early childhood with toys, when he absolutely despised everyone who just wanted to touch his things, to lay their dirty, filthy fingers here. In early classes, it was considered just rude.

When he was older though, he started fighting for various things. Knowing he has the advantage, he used his legs, fists, when he had to, and no one was looking, besides the actual victim. He wasn't stupid; he knew how troublesome the public can be, he also knew the power of manipulation a bit too well to get caught so easily. Wasn't the plan, getting caught; it once happened, but because he wanted to; he even broke his own nose, making it like the other guy did it, just to get what he needed. The reputation of kid who was broken in the childhood, so he's just not opening on others was… suitable, for him. No one could suspect anything, especially when the kid just happened to be "attacked" by one of the popular ones, right?

The idea of power was something that Simon truly desired from the beggining; maybe it has something to do with the lack of his parents in his life, being transferred from one foster family to another. Maybe it's just him being a little fucked up – who knows.

What mattered, was the fact he had you. You, so sweet, so considerate to be by his side, to be protected by him, to be the person who "opened" because of her. Little did you know, he opened just because he wanted to be closer to you, not those fuckers you hang out with.

If you knew his past, you would have another reasons in mind, why he showed up to meet your potential new boyfriend. Jealousy, posessiveness, power complex, him being a control freak who can't give you to anyone he personally doesn't trust – if ever, considering you were his precious best friend. He isn't willing to share.

You aren't really aware of him being this crazy. You think of his flaws, and you see someone that has been damaged, someone that you can and will help, if he just asks for it – or if you'll see he needs it. So, naturally, you help, and grin the widest you can, when you see him in the door. He shows completely unexpected. It doesn't take you long to wrap your hands around his neck, tight, as you hug him.

Happy as always because you can see your friend, happy as ever because moments like these means a lot to you. When he's deployed, you can't even see him, so you're taking all in when he's right in front of you.

"Hope 'm not interruptin'." he murmurs into your hair, as his head is practically buried in them; he has to bend down a little to be at your level, but it's something he enjoys. The power.

"Never." you say immediately, not even hesitating in your statement. "Actually, you found a pretty good moment."

"That I did, eh?" his eyebrow arches, as he straightens up.

"As always. Nick's here, you have to meet him."

|READ THE REST ON AO3|

[theconstantsidekick]

Everybody Loves A Clown

Pairings: Dean Winchester x Reader, Sam Winchester x BestFriend!Reader

Genre: fluff covered angst

Summary: John died a week ago, and Dean's been weird. Sam's been up his ass about it but it finally comes to a head when Y/n decides to talk to him about the whole thing.

a/n: it has an open ending but i can write more if y'all eat this up

Warnings: Smoking, mentions of smoking, romanticisation of smoking, a lot of that yes, sorry. Don't smoke kids

“You were right,” Sam admits.

“About what?” Dean asks from where he stands over the Impala, wrench in hand.

“About me and Dad,” Sam answers with red eyes and a crack in his voice. “I’m sorry that the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I’m sorry that I spent most of my life angry with him. I mean, for all I know he died thinking that I hate him.” He pauses. “So, you’re right. What I’m doing right now, it’s too little… It’s too late.” His lips tremble. There’s a self-deprecating smile on his lips as he continues, “I miss him, man. And I feel guilty as hell. And I’m not all-right. Not at all.” There’s tears in his eyes now as he stares directly at Dean. “But neither are you. That much I know.” He waits for a second, seeing if Dean might answer, and still knowing that he won’t. “I’ll let you get back to work.” With that he walks off.

Dean doesn’t know what to… do.

He fidgets.

He paces and fidgets.

He clenches his jaw hard enough for it to hurt and then he paces and fidgets some more. 

Until his eyes fall on her.

“The fuck do you want?” He asks her.

In turn for his crude tone and cruder words, he is given half a smile. “Nothing,” she tells him.

“Then what the hell are you doin’ here?” He bites back. 

To her credit, she doesn’t flinch away at his harshness. No, she just smiles wider. 

She gets to her feet from where she was sitting on the steps of the shed behind them and walks over to Dean. She pulls something out of her pocket as she asks, “Asking, if you want a cigarette?”

The lack of pretence throws Dean off completely. “What?” is all that he can bring himself to say.

She shrugs, shaking the pack of menthols in her hands. “You want one?”

Dean, again, is met with the curiously unsolvable puzzle that is Y/N and left struck. “I didn’t know you smoked?” It’s a stupid thing to say, all things considered. But the fact that the answer is stupider consoles him some.

“I don’t!” she exclaims, a little too defensive to be God's honest truth. She pulls one cigarette out of the box. “Do you want one or not?” She throws the box at him. 

Dean catches it on reflex. 

“Fuckin’ menthols,” Dean curses looking at the box, but pulls one out for himself all the same. 

“Might make your swimmers less effective,” she says a little too easily as she lights his cigarette, “but they’re a certified cure to sadness.” She smiles, lighting her own. And standing this close, with the flame from the lighter painting her all shades of yellow, Dean has to physically pull himself away. He has to will himself to take a step back and catch his breath. He gulps and takes a drag. He is clenching his jaw again.

“You should mind what you’re sayin’ while lighting a guy’s cigarette. Talking about my ‘swimmers’ when you’re an inch away from my face?” He shakes his head. “Another guy might take it the wrong way.”

“Or the right way,” she mutters, so jumbled and wrong, Dean’s not even sure he heard it correctly.

“What?” 

“Nothing,” she dismisses him off handedly, a little too easily. 

He decides to let it pass, because again, he’s not sure he heard it right. And if he did, he’s not sure he has the mental wherewithal to be able to deal with that implication. So, he lets it pass. 

Besides, she doesn’t really give him any other option. “You remember how Sam was when Jess died last year?”

“It was last fucking year, yes! ‘Course I remember it,” Dean throws back, exhaling smoke out as he speaks.

She nods, “And?”

He knows what she’s getting at. “Sam was a mess,” he answers the unasked question. “I’m not like that.”

“That’s precisely the point I’m trying to make,” she states, taking a drag. “Not the second half, the first. Sam deals with emotions very openly. He… He lets himself fall apart and crumble. That’s what he’s gonna do now. He’s gonna get sad and he’s going to try and do things that John would have wanted him to do when he was alive. He is going to feel guilty and he is going to be a mess… because he deals with death, like he deals with everything else. He’s not emotionally constipated like you are. He’s normal…” She shakes her head slowly from side to side, reconsidering her words. “Or well, as normal as anyone in this line of work can be.”

Dean takes another puff. “Well, does he have to drag me into it?”

“Yes!” She answers, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

And it fucking isn’t. “Why?!”

“Because he isn’t used to this.”

“What? Death? We just established that—”

She shakes her head at him like he’s being difficult for the sake of it… Maybe he is, but it’s not fair for her to be able to read him that easily. She cuts him off then, with, “No. He’s not used to you being like this.” And the words hit him hard. She must see it too because then she pauses and brings the cigarette to her lips and takes a long drag. “He’s used to the flirty, cocky Dean, who’s an overall dickhead.” When she exhales the smoke, it’s thick and white. Don’t smoke, my ass, Dean thinks to himself. “He’s going to ask you if you need something. He’s going to try to make you feel better and he’s going to keep checking up on you, because he has never seen you—his big brother—bereft before.”

And fuck, if she isn’t talking complete and utter sense. 

He runs a tired hand over his face, cigarette clipped between the index and the middle finger. “And what, you have?”

He’s not very good at people assessing him and his brother emotionally so accurately, okay? He needs to retaliate.

“No,” she replies easily with a smile. “When your mom passed away you were too young, and with everything that followed, I’m not even sure you had the opportunity to deal with it. This might as well be your first time dealing with loss.”

He clicks his tongue and raises his brows briefly in semi-agreement. And having been assess accurately once again, “Well, isn’t that just fucked?”

She nods. “It is.” She brings the cigarette to her lips. “But at least you’ve got me.”

He laughs. 

It’s kind of cruel that he does and he knows it.

But he laughs, because what the fucking hell?

And again, he’s fully aware of his cruelty in this moment and ready for the repercussions. 

What he isn’t ready for is to look at her and see her wearing a smile instead of a hurt look on her face.

“You think you’re gonna save me, sweetheart?” He retorts, adding to his asshole-ry.

She shrugs. “I don’t think I’m meant to save you, Dean,” she says, all too politely while taking a puff from the cigarette. “I just meant…” she looks at him. “I know what you’re going through.”

“No, you fucking don’t.” His words are harsh and cold and painful and mean.

You’ll break her, he thinks. You’ll break her and it’ll hurt worse than anything ever could.

But she doesn’t seem to be breaking. “Your dad died ‘cause of a demon and you feel responsible for it—”

“I don’t feel responsible for it, I am responsible for it. He died to save my life. It was supposed to be me who you salt and burned, not him! It was me who was supposed to be dead, not him!” And he’ll carry that weight with him for the rest of his fucking life. “You have no fucking idea what I’m going through.”

Her eyes are locked to his as she counters without hesitation. “My brother died because of a demon and I feel responsible for it.”

Dean can do nothing but close his eyes and yell out in frustration, “It’s not the same!”

“Isn’t it?” she bites back, standing straight and unmoving in the face of Dean’s rage. She doesn’t let him answer. “It was supposed to be my job. I was supposed to be the one who got possessed by a demon and driven around like a meat-suit. I was supposed to be the one who died in a freakin’ basement like a rat. It was my job, Dean. I was the first call, the second and the third… But I just decided to ignore it. But he didn’t… ‘Cause he’s nicer than I am…” She winces, looking away. She looks hurt for the first time since they began this conversation. And it seems she’d done it to herself. Because then she corrects, “Was nicer…” She takes another drag from her cigarette. “So, fuck you. But I know what you’re going through.”

He bites his lips.

Then he lets his head fall.

Because as much as he’d like to fight her on this, he can’t. 

She’s right… as usual.

He doesn’t know what to say to any of that so he stays quiet. Moreover, he thinks he’s kinda supposed to. Because she doesn’t swear often, even less so at him. So yeah, zipping it might be the right call here.

She takes charge then, as he begins pacing and smoking once more. “This might be your first go around at grief. Sam’s second. But, for once, I’m the season player.” 

When he turns to look at her, she’s smiling.

“Does that mean you’re gonna keep fucking smiling at me like that?” He retaliates, again. He’s already told you the logic behind that one.

“Sorry,” she holds up her hands in surrender. “I don’t mean to. I’m not smiling at you—not really.” She smiles again. “It’s just… It’s just that look on your face. I’ve seen it before.”

“I thought we just established you’ve never seen me like this before?”

“No, not on you,” she clarifies.

“Then?”

“In the mirror,” she tells him honestly. “Every morning for the last three years.”

Fuck him. Fuck this. And fuck everything.

A part of him, a selfless and kind part of him wishes she didn’t get him, wishes she’d rather be hurt at his words than look at him with so much understanding.

But another part of him, the selfish and unkind part of him, is comforted by the fact that at least someone does, in fact, get him. Even more so, he’s comforted by the fact that it’s her.

“So, take it from someone with experience,” she begins then, breaking him out of his mind numbing miserable thoughts. “You’re gonna wanna explode. You’re gonna wanna break something.”

“You got a cure for that, oh experienced one?”

She smiles again. “Yeah, break it.”

“What??”

She shrugs all too easily, taking another drag. “If you can find something you can break, that won’t hurt anyone, that you could ideally fix, then yeah! Break it.”

He stops pacing to look at her and cocks her head. “Will it make me feel better?” He is genuinely curious.

She outright laughs at him then, “No!” She brings her foot up and butt the cigarette on the back of her boot, sending embers falling to the ground like fireworks. “Nothing ever will…” She looks back at him, still smiling, “But it'll help.”

Dean sighs. 

He nods.

And then he throws the cigarette to the ground, steps on it and then walks over to the side. He picks up a crowbar, and then he walks back to the Impala. He grips the crowbar tighter and then he smashes the window. 

Then he starts slamming it into the trunk, over and over and over and over again. It clatters to the ground. 

He keeps at it till there’s a hole in the metal near as big as the one in his heart. 

And when he’s done, he lets the crowbar fall to the ground and pulls the packet of smokes out of his pocket. He grabs a cigarette and places it right between his lips. When he looks up, she’s close to him again, lighter in hand.

She looks at him and he looks at her.

Then she lights his cigarette. “How’d it feel?”

“It didn’t make me feel any better,” he replies, handing her the packet back to her when she smiles at him. “But it helped.”

She nods, and takes the entire packet to her lips, with her teeth she pulls one cigarette out and then lights it, pocketing the packet and lighter in one go. “Look, I know you… You don’t know how to deal with this, and as much as I want to, I can’t really help you with it either but unlike me, Sam’s not gonna get it.”

“I know,” he tells her. Because he knows that his brother means well, but he has a tendency of being too in your face about it. 

She hums in agreement, as if hearing her thoughts. And fuck, if he’s to go by her track record, maybe she can. “You’re gonna wanna get mad, go crazy and lash out. So… I’m suggesting that you do that with me, instead of him.” Her eyes are too fucking kind as she adds, “If you want to get mad, go crazy and lash out—lash out at me, get mad at me.”

Dean can’t fucking breathe.

“Why?” he asks.

“‘Cause he’s grieving too.”

“That the only reason?” he asks, hoping for… well, you know what he’s hoping for. You’re his inner monologue.

She tilts her head with a sweet smile. “You gotta mind what you’re saying, Winchester. Being emotionally vulnerable when you’re an inch away from my face? Another woman might take it the wrong way.”

He can’t help himself.

He snorts.

“Or the right way,” he says then with a smile of his own. 

And fuck it all, her face turns red at the realisation that he’d heard her. 

He loves it so fucking much that he’s not even bummed about her taking a step away from him.

“Asshole,” she curses him, but her heart’s not in it.

“I’ve got one condition though,” he says and watches confusion break onto her face. “For lashing out at you instead of Sam.”

She shakes her head fondly, at his wording. “What is it?”

“You promise to do the same.” It’s the kindest thing he can offer her. His misery, in exchange for hers.

She chuckles at that. Morbid as it may be, their sense of humor was always on par with each other. “Sure,” she says. “You’ve got yourself a deal.”

He raises his hand, cigarette still wedged between his fingers, “Shake on it?”

Apparently, that’s the wrong thing to say ‘cause then she makes a disgusted face like the hand he’s offered is covered in snot. 

Slapping it away, she throws the smoke in her hands away and she steps closer. And then hugs him. 

The action catches Dean off-guard. 

It takes a second for his brain and his heart to have a meeting and catch up with each other. And then finally his brain sends the signal out for his to hands drop the cigarette and wrap around her. 

Probably encouraged by him hugging her back, her grip on him tightens. And fuck if that doesn’t thaw Dean’s cold, broken, blackened heart. He happily does the same, snuggling his face into her neck and breathing her in.

They stay like that for a bit, until Dean realises she’s waiting on him, letting him have his fill.

Reluctantly, eventually, Dean lets her go. 

When he does, if she can spot his misty eyes, she doesn’t mention it. 

Instead she says, “Now, hand me the crowbar.”

“Huh?”

“What, you think I don’t wanna break shit?”

[threepandas]

Sun Burnt: Part 3

When a legendary hitman Eye Threatens to break both your fucking legs?

They Are Not Joking.

FUCKING OW.

Still! Jokes on HIM! I'm in to that sh-! Wait, no, not the time for memes! Or is it jokes? Irrelevant! I can still fuckin RUN, is the thing. Sucks to SUCK, Sun boy! Us Lightnings are BUILT DIFFERENT!

And I BETTER not hear any snide "yeah I BET they are" from the peanut gallery!

My Flame type ROCKS! I am a TAZER who can put my fist through WALLS. Stand dead center of a road and just? Fuckin TANK a speeding car! Can YOU? Didn't THINK so! Lightning supremacy! One of you fuckers gimme a highfive! HELL YEAH!

But also? Like... I take back EVERYTHING I ever said about the Carcassa.

ALL OF IT.

They are the GEMS of the Mafia. The SHINING HEARTS of raw compassion! Skull-sama's willingness to PERSONALLY piss off The "I AM The Dread God Lesser Deity's Fear" Reborn? An inspiration to us all. I... I would steal for this man. Like? For FREE. Not DIE for him or anything, God no, but? I would steal really REALLY expensive shit for him!

The man's an absolute mad lad. A LEGEND.

I will NEVER forget this... assuming I survive.

Because somehow HE already has my name, face, and multiple alias plastered OUT FOR THE WORLD TO SEE. Ha ha... oh god. Thaaaaat is a bounty. BIG bounty. Lots of zeros. G...gonna die.

My phone chimes.

"You know exactly who this is. Pick up." The screen reads, right before it rings.

HA HA, NOPE!

I stand, well more like shoot to my feet, from my seat on the ground. Quuuuick steps too the blimp windows. Wrench those open. Sim card out! Crush the phone. AND YEET!!! BeGONE DEMOOOON!

We shall NOT be engaging with The Devil today! No Sir!

.....Skull's phone starts ringing.

I whine like a cornered animal. So... this is what a real life horror movie feels like. NEAT. I hate it! I watch, probably shaking, as Skull-sama casually drags out his phone. Glances down at it. Then over his shoulder at me. He doesn't even fully turn his head. Just one Cloud flame purple eye that seems to light up from within.

He's a happy go lucky guy. Cool dude. But like all Clouds? Fucking HATES cages. Being or SEEING other imprisoned. Trapped. Cornered and forced to do something against their will. And as the planet's STRONGEST Cloud?

He's always had exactly zero problems telling Reborn to fuck off to his face. Even when it gets him shot at. Everyone knew that.

"Sempai! Calling the GREAT Skull De Mort just to CHAT~♡? I KNEW you loved me BESTEST!" He PROJECTS into the phone, his speaking cadence shifting.

He'd been gregarious, bombastic even, the whole time I'd been on board. The sort of guy you can't help but want to buy street food with and check out some weird local sight you heard about. The guy that turns an event into a PARTY. A get together into a memory you TREASURE. Larger then life and unashamedly so.

But this? THIS was the SHOWMAN.

And this was the Showman being Obnoxious and MEAN.

Loud, intentionally grating voice. No break in the endless flood of mind numbing chatter that went no where. Bellowing cackling that even the best of speakers would be hard pressed to handle. Standing near machines and windows so the background noise garbled EVERYTHING.

Let no one say Clouds are not PETTY.

"Hmmmmm~? Your WHAT? Sempai! Don't be SILLY! You can't OWN people! That's SLAVERY! It's against~...!" He turned, leaning like a rock star of old against some navigation compartment. Casually examining his nails with a MEAN and wolfish smile on his face. "Waaaaa! Don't be maaad~ Don't be MAAAAAD~!! You know I'd NEVER lie to YOU, Sempai! I'd never DARE! I promise I'll keep a look out, m'kay? What? Don't hang up? Sorry! Can-KRRRRSHK! n't quite KKKKKRRRRRSK! Heeeeear yoooouuuuu~☆!"

Click.

He casually tossed his phone to one of his men. Ignored it even as it rang and rang. With an excited clap of his hand, he hopped up, out of his loose legged splay to stride over. According to him? We should eat! Have I had Burmese food? It's delicious! One of his guys just got "into" the whole cooking thing! So everyone is being supportive!

I can't help but laugh. Everyone politely ignores how wet it is, as Skull-sama throws an arm over my shoulders and drags me from the cockpit.

I know I'm not safe. But for now? Fuck it. Good enough. Maybe Skull-sama knows someplace Reborn might not IMMEDIATELY find me. And who knows? When this all blows over? Maybe I should join up with his crew. Reborn can't be THAT obsessed. Right? It was just the initial harmony high. With no Sky to actually bind us, he'll lose interest.

Behind me... the phone rings.

And rings.

And RINGS.

[ff7-has-taken-me-over]

I suddenly had a thought of GhostSoap being normal human beings and doing normal human being things and wanted to write some stuff for it.

1) Simon always forgets to replace the fuckin toilet paper and Johnny loses his mind over it every single time

2) Johnny has these quiet little snores that whistle out every time he breathes out and while it’s mildly annoying some nights Simon still finds it so endearing

3) Simon hogs the blankets, even in summer cause he’s just always cold, no matter what. Johnny tends to just snuggle in real close to Simon when he gets cold

4) Johnny is the cook of the house. He’s really good at it (his mother refused to let him leave home without knowing how to survive on his own) but he can’t bake. Simon’s the opposite where he can bake (his mum loved baking, taught him everything she knew) but can’t cook to save his life

5) Johnny’s always stealing Simon’s leftovers or hidden treats and Simon has threatened to stab him once or twice over it (it never stops Johnny from doing it again)

6) Simon totally found a stray cat and got the ‘you wanna keep him, you look after him’ talk and he has never been more devoted to looking after another living being after the whole thing with his family

7) Johnny’s got a million and one things in their bathroom all for the sake of looking after his hair and skin and what not and he definitely sits Simon down on the toilet seat every so often so he can do the same for him

8) Johnny seeks validation near constantly. Simon doesn’t know why but he always, always makes sure Johnny knows he’s appreciated and doing good and whatever else the man needs validation on

9) When Simon has night terrors the way to calm him down is to just let him cling to you. Don’t speak or anything just let him hold you and let him reassure himself that your alive and well. Sometimes he’ll be ready to talk about it in the morning, other times he’s content to let the memories go and just keep going

10) Johnny is the worst at taking out the trash. Since they live in a semi-old apartment complex they had to take their rubbish all the way downstairs when the bin in their place got full and Johnny fucking hates it

11) When one of them get put on leave and have to go back to the apartment by themselves they’ll play the other persons music and cook their favourite foods (or try at least) to try and fool themselves into thinking they’re not alone in their home

12) Simon totally has a stuffed toy that belonged to Joseph and while it sits on his shelf he was still terrified Johnny was going to say something bad about it or try and get rid of it (that’s happened once with an ex) but Johnny saw it, called it cute and then proceeded to look after it when Simon couldn’t

13) Johnny may not look it but he’s a bit of gardener. He’s got a windowsill full of herbs in the kitchen and their balcony has some random plants that he doesn’t actually know the name or origin of but he looks after them and has very specific instructions for Ghost to follow when he’s not around

14) Simon’s friends with the old guy that runs the convenience store down the street from their apartment and not because he tried to befriend the guy or anything, but because the guy thought Simon looked funny with his mask and decided he was going to favour him out of all of his customers

15) The neighbours tried hitting on Simon once and Johnny happened to open the door and heard them flirting with his boyfriend. He got so possessive that he made out with the bigger man against their door jamb for like 5 minutes until Simon pulled him inside. The news spread very quickly after that

16) The apartment complex have a betting pool going about what they do for a living because they hold such weird hours and will disappear for months at a time. None of them wanna ask the two though cause they’re all a little scared of the both of them

17) Simon’s a bookworm and if it weren’t for their tiny apartment he’d have his own, personal library filled to the brim with books

[forwhump]

a/n; I have a whole truman show style day in the life thing I did w point that I was trying to find but there’s a lot of creepy weirdness to sort through first to find it & I found this one instead & I feel it’s particularly ugh so <3 couldn’t let it go to waste

enjoy some rambling point introspection :’)

tw/cw: rape, noncon, misgendering, transphobia, dehumanization, kidnapping, captivity, psychological torture, sexual exploitation, degradation, misogyny

creepy whumper, rapist pov, the ramblings of a madman, mentions of a living weapon

“I think I’m in love with you,” Point tells the naked, crying girl shackled in his bunk.

Her wrists are bleeding from how hard she had tried to fight to get them free. She isn’t fighting anymore; he’s tired her out. He likes her tired. She looks up at him with wide, wet eyes and her bare skin is so warm. Quietly, she hiccups, “there’s something really fuckin’ wrong with you.”

She’s got such a stupid accent. A real backwoods aw, shucks kind of accent. She tries to thin it out as much as possible but she hates him so much she can’t control it around him, sometimes, and he knows she hates that, too. He loves it. He loves the accent, too, even if it is stupid as all get out, even if his men make fun of him for it relentlessly. They’re all full of shit — they’d each jumped at the chance to ride the cowgirl, and they each jump, still.

She’s fuckin’ unreal in that lethal, Playboy bunny, girl next door kind of way. A real fantasy kind of way. Blonde bombshell, right? What man in their right mind doesn’t want to fuck a pretty blonde? First time Point had laid eyes on her, sitting on the floor of that trap house, he knew he was gonna keep her. She was special. She had a mouth like Princess Peach and Point could fit both hands around her waist. He was never gonna let her go. Couldn’t.

Then she spoke, and Point had been taken aback by the stupid accent, thick and unexpected, the backwater twang of banjos, denim overalls, and tooth gaps.

The milkmaid braids had been his idea, a branch of two separate, very good ideas. The first was to put her in her place; her accent was stupid, and it was embarrassing, and the hat and the boots just didn’t feel humiliating enough. The second was that she had already gotten under Point’s skin; she spoke, from the floor of that trap house, and he’d just as quickly started harbouring a fantasy of holding the farmer’s daughter by her sweet braids, tied off with ribbon, and fucking her face. Vineyard, the creative bastard, had supplied the milkmaid dress — his niece was twelve, and it had been a Halloween costume. Wren’s a tall girl, long legged, and the dress never fit her, not properly, but it never needed to. They made her wear it for a long time, anyway.

Point has an inkling that might’ve been where his thing for the accent had blossomed, but it’s hard to say. “Oh, darlin’,” he croons, and he’s mocking her. He does it a lot, and doesn’t always do it on purpose but most of the time he does — it makes her flush, and he likes her flushed.

He likes her a lot of ways, really. Tired, flushed. He likes her when she’s crying and when she’s trying to fight him off. He likes her when she’s begging and when she’s sobbing so hard she can’t choke out words. He likes her when she’s barely conscious, all soft and wet and pliant. He likes her when she’s pretending to like him because she knows he’ll kill her dog if she doesn’t. He hasn’t had her in a way, yet, in fact, that he hasn’t liked her; he actually likes the girl in all ways. He doesn’t even like his wife in all ways. It’s why he thinks he might love her — it’s why he knows he does. How typical, right? The handsome jock and the hot blonde. Who could’ve predicted it?

She’s already flushed with crying but she flushes a little darker with humiliation and Point grins.

She definitely isn’t perfect — she gets a bit shrill, and her thing for the dog upsets Point so completely he can’t think about it too hard or he loses chunks of time. But her hair is pretty, and her mouth is pretty, and her cunt is always warm, and she really is beautiful, in that really rare, really impossible kind of way.

Point would keep her all to himself if he could, right here in his bunk. He’d stop applying for leave and she’d stop having to go back to that disgusting doghouse. He’d gotten close, once, but it didn’t last. And that’s not to say he’d stop letting his men use her, either — it’s everybody else. It’s that fuckin’ dog.

He stops grinning and spits in her face.

He doesn’t mean to, not really, but he looks down at her and he sees the way she looks at that thing. Point is being generous every time he calls it a dog, but chunk of meat is just too wordy. Is what it is, though, isn’t it? An ugly chunk of meat a couple of the military’s poindexters had reanimated. She doesn’t look at Point the same way she looks at that thing, and how is that fair? She does it on purpose, just to upset him. He knows she does.

She recoils and he grabs her by the jaw. Holds her still. “Open.” She struggles, trying to lean away, and he presses the back of her head harder into his mattress. “Open,” he demands, and she does on a sob and he spits again, into her mouth. She chokes and he hears himself tell her, “you’re disgusting.” She sobs again and he spits, “stop fucking the dog.”

“I’m not —“

“And stop fuckin’ lying to me,” he snaps.

That’s her worst thing. Worse than the whining, and the fact that she opens her legs for that thing — she’s a liar. She’s always lying.

But fuck, does it almost tie with the fact that she opens her legs for that thing. He hates to think about it but it’s hard not to equate it. Does she get just as wet for him? Does she make the same noises? It would probably make him hate her if he wasn’t in love with her.

“Why can’t you just be a good girl?” He asks, and he doesn’t mean to ask so sincerely. “Why do you have to be a whore?”

She looks up at him from beneath his hand with a hatred that radiates off her like heat. He’s willing to bet she never looks at the dog like that.

He’s also willing to bet the dog doesn’t know. It’s dumb, and he can’t see the girl telling it the truth. It had been wildly protective of her from pretty early into its placement, after however long it had taken the girl to manipulate it into wrapping itself around her little finger. Something about it makes her feel safer, more secure, even if it’s just a cute little lie she tells herself to sleep better sometimes. Even with the added guard dog, she’s still here with Point. She’s still been here with Point for hours.

He doesn’t care for the dog — he thinks it’s a hideous waste of meat and a disgusting fuckin’ science experiment — but he could probably feel bad for it if he let himself. The dog is just so dumb and it has no idea that its little girlfriend is a well fucked whore and if that if Point plays his cards just right he can get her to beg for his cock.

“You could be perfect,” he tells her.

She’s still crying — she’s usually crying — and she’s always doe eyed but when she cries it makes her eyes look a lot bigger and makes her look really scared and really pathetic. Point’s always thought she looks prettiest when she’s scared.

“I fuckin’ hate you,” she tells him, and she enunciates very carefully.

“Shucks,” he mocks, and grins when she flushes, predictably. Fuck, she’s pretty. If nothing else, she’s pretty. It’s almost enough to forget the stupid hillbilly accent and the fact that she fucks dogs.

He puts his hand on her thigh. She tries to flinch away but he holds her there, pressing bruises into her pale thigh in the shape of his fingertips. Vineyard bites her, fucks her up pretty bad sometimes, likes to mark her that way, but Point’s never cared much for biting. Point’s always liked to bruise.

He pushes her thighs apart and the way she trembles in his hands makes him smile. “Stop,” she begs, and the poor girl must be so tired but she makes a valiant attempt to fight him off, anyway. “Please. Please, no more.”

Point clicks his tongue as he settles between her legs. “You know you don’t get to decide when we’re done here, cowgirl,” he says. He holds her down against his sheets, standard issue — black, as opposed to the asset grey. Better thread count, too. The girl should be grateful, he thinks, that he prefers to fuck her here, on the best sheets in their chunk of the district, instead of the shitty sheets in the unit, instead of the concrete of any of the floors.

Point would love, in his wildest fantasies, to get her furlough and fuck her at home. His wife was in charge of the furnishing and all that, because why does he give a shit? But she knocked it out of the park with their sheets. The mattress, too. The whole bed is great, and Point would love to get the girl out of here and fuck her on it for days consecutive. He would love to ruin those sheets. But it would be sticky, ‘cause he’d have to get his wife and all four of the kids out of the house and to stay away from the house at the same time. The neighbourhood is affluent, but that annoying, gossipy sort of affluent that his wife finds so friendly but that makes Point sick and enraged. If he sent his wife and children on vacation, then showed up at the house, with or without a blonde considerably hotter and younger than his wife, they’d gossip. His wife would find out, at the very least, that he took leave and didn’t mention it to her, and that’s a can of worms he doesn’t think he wants to open. That’s the debate, at least.

But it’s an ongoing debate. Every time he’s eligible for leave again, he considers it. Sometimes, in his bunk with this girl, when her skin is especially warm and her cunt is especially wet, he thinks it would be worth it.

“I think I’m in love with you,” he tells her again.

She sobs.

[qcomicsy]

Old Deadpool comics are so fun because it's like having this weird close friend group where people kind of all know each other but don't really know each other. Or even like each other that much.

Like Wade has a kind-of-who-knows-at-this-point "Best" friend tech guy who kind of tolerates him and he tolerates that used to be Peter's college classmate. He almost took a gig from Osborn but actually was Bullseye fucking with him in revenge while dressed up in a Clint old suit. He got on a mission with Black Widow. He got beef with Avengers clones to a point the avengers themselves got to be involved. They don't like him he doesn't like them so they both agree to be civil to do the damn mission so everyone can go their own way. He's having a middle age crisis where he kind of wants to quit being a mercenary but he doesn't know yet who the fuck else he could be and all the reasons pointing up to be a hero are wrong and distorted in his own egoistic views.

A hit monkey want to fuckin kill him. The hit monkey doesn't know he's immortal. The hit-monkey never saw him personally but somehow set him up to get his jaw sucker punched by Spider-Man. Which results in the worst team ever for both of them. I sweat to god except from fucking Old man Logan, I've never seen Wade so stressed in working with someone. And while this whole shit storm works, Wade keeps bullshitting about Peter's life being so fucking easy and loved by the public and Peter has to stay there and listen to it. They bump into each other on the subway out of costume and Peter hates him on sight.

Wade doesn't want to be there and the first opportunity to bail on Spider-Man he takes it and Spider-Man on the other hand learns that Deadpool is immortal and kind of gets "Okay what if we let you get shot" and Wade is so offended he starts calling him names.

Wade goes to bother X-Men, X-men tells him to fuck off. Wade considers blowing up X-Men for full two panels. X-Men sends Domino who's kind of one of Wade's friend to fuck with Deadpool, we're convinced by two pages he beat the shit out of her, just to show up on the next pages that he actually made her fall over a bunch of pancakes.

It's so messy, it's so fucking funny because it's not "oh it's this BIG THING" and this "BIG TEAM UP" it's like they're on the same city, they have similar jobs of course they're going to bump on each other.

[music-orthemisery]

hi, i don’t have twitter, could you explain what happened? i’ve seen lots of people vagueing abt it but no one saying what actually went down (re: the pete wentz post)

hi, friend! sure, i can give you a re-cap. i've received a few asks about this so i'm just gonna use this one to info dump and yap

i am not going to link to the video because i don't want that shit on my blog, but, basically, a girl posted a tiktok talking about how she:

attended the dying inside book signing

that she does stand up comedy and has a bit about pete's nudes leak and how his dick is the first dick she ever saw (which...is already fuckin weird but ok)

decides she WANTS TO TELL PETE ABOUT THIS BIT and takes the selfie photo from his leaked photos (the one where his arm is up above his head) FOR HIM TO SIGN

she literally says "he had been there for about 3 hours and here comes a girl with probably the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to him"

she goes up to pete and tells him she does stand up comedy. and he, being the nice person he is, asks her why she sounds embarrassed about that and that she should be proud of it

she then says "i have a bit about your nudes can you sign this"

to which he responds, "...really? that's really what you want?"

she describes AND SHOW PICTURES of how he went from excited and interested to shocked and disappointed. and his face during the "disappointed" part is genuinely...ouch...

she admits the whole thing was "uncomfortable" like...YEAH GIRL??? YOU THINK?!?

also he still signed the photo which. again. nicest human alive.

her "key takeaway" though is that she took to heart his comment that she should be prouder of her stand up and how that's encouraging to her and "altered her brain perspective" so instead of shame she's going to look back at that moment as the day she realized she should stop feeling shame and be prouder of herself

and she proceeds to frame the photo and now has it hanging in her bathroom

she also TAGGED FALL OUT BOY AND PETE in the comments

so, that fucking happened.

the comments have a fair amount of people being like "this is fucking awful what is wrong with you" but also enough "this is iconic i love you" to be...even more rage inducing.

i also saw comments about how that was "forever ago" and "he's a 40 year old man he could've enforced boundaries if he actually cared." and it's like...ok, and then she'd get on here talking about how he was an asshole and refused to sign the photo and blah blah blah? of course he's just going to swallow his pride and deal with it.

other comments i saw - "they even joked about it in the arms race video it's not a big deal"

is...that what we're calling it...? i don't...that's not...oh my GOD

i cannot comprehend how you could take this shit TO HIS FACE at and event for something he helped create and is proud of and not only shove a piece of his life that was TRAUMATIC in his face to SIGN but then share that you have...A COMEDY BIT ABOUT IT?

genuinely just. fucking abhorrent and insane behavior.

but, sure, let's post a tik tok talking about it like you're some cutesy, quirky girl. and fucking tag him. disgusting.

[goodluckclove]

Movie Night With Your Eccentric Older Brother Simulator (Free Weird Movies Recs)

So I've always had a vague awareness of the archetype surrounding an Alt Older Brother who introduces you to weird media. I have no real-life frame of reference for this person. While I was close to my actual older brother for a long time, I don't think he introduced me to much.

But after finding that list of free movies and realizing the link to Evil Dead II was a podcast video about the movie as opposed to the actual movie, I decided to put together my own list of cult/weird movies. Nothing too intense. It's got some horror, but it's not all horror. Consider this a way to LARP a kind of skeevy older brother with a strange inner world who you idolize despite him clearly not doing super great right now. He loves you in a weird, scruffy way that he doesn't like to talk about in precise language.

(EDIT: Also I did go out of my way to pick kind of shitty VHS rips for some of these. I do consider them the ideal way to view them. For immersion's sake.)

Uh, hey man. So Mom and Dad left for some fuckin' - I don't know, I still had half my headphones on so I wasn't really paying attention. But they're gone for the night and I guess I'm in charge or whatever. They said I could use their card to order pizza which is pretty sick. I'll order one for each of us, and then I'll just hole up in the basement to listen to The Flower Kings and -

What? You wanna hang out?

No, that's - yeah, I guess I did make a face. My bad. Um, sure I can hang. I know you've been kind of bummed lately. I guess we could watch a movie if you want. No, dude, step the fuck away from the DVD shelf. If I have to watch Click one more goddamned time I'm gonna' blow my brains out.

I'm kidding. That was a joke. Don't tell Mom I said that. Also, scroll through this. These are all the deep cuts my friends at community college have been collecting while we stay out late and smoke - meats. Yeah - my bros Skeet and Blazer? They're big...big barbecue fans. Yeah.

Stop looking at me, dude, just pick a movie.

Pink Floyd's The Wall (1982)

Oh fuck yeah. Uh, no it's not the album. I mean, it's technically the album - but remember how I told you that The Wall is a Rock Opera? This is the visual adaptation of that Rock Opera. It's got the whole album - complete with a short song from The Final Cut which is another Pink Floyd that came out after The Wall but has a lot of the same themes. This thing has some fuckin' killer animations by Gerald Scarfe. It's a pretty intense take on modern masculinity and fame in post-war Britain from someone with direct experience in all of that.

Evil Dead II (1987) and Armies of Darkness (1992)

What? It's Sam Rami, dude, of course there's gore. It's a Sam Rami movie that isn't Spiderman, so there's a ton of gore and jump scares. No but like - they aren't good jump scares and the gore is absolutely nonsense. It's a horror comedy but it's pretty heavy on the comedy, you know? In Evil Dead II (No, you don't need to start with the first one. The first act of Evil Dead II is a remake of The Evil Dead.) the main guy Ash has his hand turn evil, so he cuts it off and replaces it with a chainsaw.

Shut the fuck up, man, it's not spoilers. It's barely top five in crazy shit that happens in this movie. It's awesome though Bruce Campbell is like horror Mister Bean. He's also hot as fuck. Nevermind. Forget I said that.

Hellraiser (1987)

Seriously, if you pick this you can't tell Mom and Dad I let you watch it. Well, I don't think it's scary, but the practical effects are pretty hardcore for its time and I remember you were pretty upset when you came in and hid in my room while Skeet and I were watching The Thing.

It's pretty gory. It's a body horror film. But aside from some retro-horror staples it's definitely not - like - realistic gore. It's like a guy will die because he gets exploded by chains from goth BDSM demons. Then he's resurrected but he's got no skin and he's kind of bitchy about it for a while. It's pretty cool. Pretty - um - it's got pronouns, you know? It's - I can't call it gay, right? No, it's literally gay. Clive Barker is a gay man. This is a pretty queer horror series.

Shock Treatment (1981)

So Jim Sherman and Richard O'Brien made Rocky Horror Picture Show. They then made an AU of their own movie musical - which is this movie, Shock Treatment. Call me a contrarian, but I like this one a bit better. RHPS is great, but it's so overwhelmingly Tim Curry that it does drown out everything else. This seems like a bit more of an ensemble cast where you can really enjoy the whole movie. Plus their song "Bitchin' in the Kitchen" is like one of my favorite musical songs.

Paprika (2006)

Satoshi Kon is easily one of the best animators of all time. He's the same guy that did Perfect Blue, but that's a little bit more of an intense watch (Although is you do decide to do it do not watch the dubbed version. I'm not being a 'subs not dubs' weeb again the ending was so subtle that the dub fucked it up). Paprika is fantastic It's a beautifully animated science-fiction adventure akin to Inception if Inception was led by a cool lady. It's gorgeous.

Synechdoche, New York (2008)

Charlie Kaufman is one of those directors who people think encourage Angsty Indie White Guys, even though all of his movies specifically focus on how pathetic Angsty Indie White Guys are. This is a big one, but it's beautiful and I've seen it five times. Every time it leaves me quiet and thoughtful. If we watch this and I cry you aren't allowed to say shit about it.

Sorry to Bother You (2018)

This is a surrealist, sci-fi black comedy by writer/director, rapper, and communist activist Boots Riley. it's pretty crazy right off the get go. It's cool to see a blatantly anti-capitalist speculative fiction story that isn't - like - blatantly ideological. It definitely has the ideology, but not at the sacrifice of great writing and directing and a really fun story.

How's that film major I'm dating? Kai is fine. Kai's cool. Kai's...enough about Kai.

Brazil (1985)

This is like 1984 but in the hands of the most creative Monty Python guys. It is crazy how creative this movie is. Like early Tim Burton. Just chaotic and hilarious and horrifying. It's awesome.

But I'm getting sick of talking. Would you pick something already?

You picked: Dancer in the Dark (2000)

The...the fucking Lars Von Trier musical starring Bjork? The that starts with Bjork playing a poor immigrant mother who's slowly going blind and struggling to make ends meet and only gets far sadder from there?

You're getting into Bjork? Now? In 2024 you're just now deciding to get into - ?

Nope. That's fine. I said you can pick, so you can pick. I'll warn you though. this thing's like two and a half hours long and I'm going to spend most of it weeping. If I see you even quiver a laugh I will doxx you online I swear to god.

[slimybeth69]

Venus in Furs: Part 2

Summary: After saving your life and getting you back to Jackson, things with you and Joel feel different. While navigating this new life, raising a teenager with a man you think you know-- you run into someone unexpected.

WARNINGS: This story contains DARK themes, HIGHLY dubious consent in early chapters. Pregnancy. Pregnancy loss. talks of child abuse. therapy speak. mean!joel, dark!joel, liar!joel. unreliable narration. multiple povs. cheating. mental health- PTSD, PPD. mentions of suicide attempts. highly adult sexual themes.

a/n: I'm not kidding when I say that this shit gets dark. I try and keep this as real as fucking possible. Please be aware of the things you consume and if none of those themes are for you, please think twice about checking this story out. Before you read this, I recommend reading Crybaby and Such Small Hands. You don't have to, but you'll probably be confused.

a/n pt2: No use of y/n. No physical descriptions of the reader. Reader has a pretty extensive background (sorry, it's interesting though), story focuses on Joel and readers relationship, while also following her parental relationship with Ellie.

w/c: ~ 28k~

I did go through his chapter and change some things and fix some stuff. Not all of it though because what's a good slimybeth69 story without some grammatical errors and spelling mistakes and run on sentences.

Joel did fuck a baby into you the next morning.

Neither one of you knew it at the time. But he did it gently and slowly and you really felt the love he had for you when he did it. Slow and gentle thrusts, no force, no jolting movements. His hips were fluid and flush against yours most of the time and you spoke softly into each other's mouths.

You were thankful for Joel for waiting because it was perfect and you were clear headed and not afraid. You didn’t even panic when he was between your legs.

In your weird-not-as-much-blood-as-you-should-have-inside-you, high, fucked up state; your fear of that position had been conquered.

“I love you, Bird.” He whispers into your neck as he finishes inside of you. It’s what you both wanted. Regardless of what Maria said; you cared for him and wanted the same thing he did. You know that in your clear headed state. Even if your leg was aching the whole time. It felt good to feel like a normal person again. It felt good to not have any anxiety. 

“I love you, Joel.” You coo into his ear as he withdraws from you.

Joel kisses you softly before he crawls off the bed completely. Off to the bathroom. This is the new routine now after sex. Sex. Bathroom. Wipes himself down and comes out, dick swinging and then cleans up between your legs.

“You tell me not to stare at it but you just leave it out for me to stare at!” You exclaim when you catch Joel’s eye after looking at it the entire time he walks across the room to his dresser. 

“I like when you look at it. I like givin’ you shit more, though.” Joel says as he tugs on a pair of boxers. 

“I’ve been meaning to tell you to get some less tight jeans, Jesus Christ, that thing is visible all the time! Everyone can see it! ” You point to his groin as he zips his jeans up. He looks down and adjusts it but does nothing to hide it. “See!” 

“I’m not going to find less tight jeans. Let’s all the ladies know what you’re—” Joel snickers but you stop him.

“That’s exactly what I don’t want! Other women lookin’ at it! Get a fuckin apron or a tool belt or something to cover that thing up.” You point at his groin with your open hand.

“Stop talkin’ about it. He’s gettin’ all excited again from your attention! “C’mon, we gotta get ready for worship.” Joel is now buttoning up his nice flannel shirt. 

“Okay! I’ll stop. I have to shower.” You start to stand up but Joel stops you, hands around your waist, pulling you back to him. 

“Keep me in you. Wear me to worship… worship my come. Shower when you get home, baby girl.” Joel kisses the side of your face softly and smacks your ass. 

“You’re a freak.” You look at him with fondness in your heart because so are you. 

"You... uh still want me to... I dunno... want me t'spit in your mouth 'n choke you, letchya spank--"

“Are you trying to prove something? Because all you're doing is proving my point..." You smirk at him.

"Yet here y'are."

Ellie and you walk hand in hand in front of Joel into the House of Worship. You have never been very religious but Joel told you to just give it a chance. So you do. It’s actually nice. No God talks at all. It’s a House of Worshiping the fact that we are all still here and lucky enough to have each other. We worship this colony that keeps us safe. We are all a ‘family’ in a sense when we live here. We worship our neighbors and the food we are given daily. It was nice. It feels like every single person who lived in the colony showed up. 

There is a social hour in the basement after. Ellie wants to go because Dina is going to be there. Oh la la. It must be why Ellie wore her nicest and most clean shirt today. Joel grabs you by the hand and introduces you to everyone. 

“Ava, this is Birdie.” Joel introduces you to a tall, beautiful blonde woman. She’s probably five years older than you. Closer to Joel’s age. She is almost as tall as he is. Her eyes are an emerald green and she is in great shape. 

You hate her. 

“Hi! It’s so nice to finally meet you!” She hugs you like she is your best friend. You hug her back because you want to be polite to Joel’s friend. You do not like her though. Her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

Not really. It's not terrible, but you already hate her.

“It’s nice to meet you too! I’ve heard so much about Miss. Ava from Ellie, and Joel just loves your jam.” You have acrid bile coming up your throat at the counterfeit kind tone you have.

It must come across pretty naturally because she laughs, and then touches Joel’s arm.

She better remove those pretty fingers from that strong bicep, you know, if she wants to keep ‘em for making jam and everything.

You know the importance of fingers when it comes to kneading bread and making jam.

So why is she touching your boyfriend like that? 

“He was going through,what, a jar every two or three days while you were in the medical center?" She is looking right at Joel when she’s talking to you. Right into his big brown eyes and—

Joel's big, dumb eyes are looking right into her emerald ones! Looking right into them like he’s lost in there and cannot find his way out. 

"Ain't that interesting..." You nod your head and watch as they look at each other intently.

Unspoken words are happening right in front of you.

What the fuck is going on?

"Once I'm able to bake bread and make jam, I'll be sure to send some to school with Ellie. As a thank you, for making sure Joel here was full of it," you smile... maybe too sweetly.

This comment pulls Joel’s brown eyes away from Ava’s beautiful bewitching eyes and looks down at you. 

“I will let you two catch up. I should go introduce myself to everyone.” You sneak away fast with your little limp before Joel can protest.

There are a couple awkward moments of you weaving throughout the crowd of people, trying to put as much distance between Joel and that witch Ava.

You pause and introduce yourself to a young woman who looks about your age.

“Hi, I’m Birdie.” You wave to her nicely and smile.

Her blue eyes light up and she also hugs you like you are best buddies. “Bird! I know all about Birdie! I work down at the market as well as the greenhouse and you are all Joel talks about when he comes in. Bird this. Bird that. I thought he was talking about a real bird at first and I had to ask what kinda bird it was he was taking care of so good up in that house.”

This woman speaks so fast it makes your head spin.

“I’m Connie. It’s so nice to finally meet you. I been waitin’ for you to get outta that house! I need someone to hang out with! Joel said you’re the same age as me and, that’s amazing.” She continues to talk as fast as you have had to run for your life sometimes, and it’s hard to take in everything she is saying. 

“Wow!"

"I know, ain't it somethin'?" Connie is beaming. She seems so sweet and nice.

"Did you say that you work at a greenhouse? We have one of those?” You ask curiously. It would be so nice to have something to do besides just sit at home and wait for Joel and Ellie to get home.

It’s not like there is anything else to do. You could read but there are barely any books. You’d have to go on an outing to try and find some but books are so heavy. So heavy. 

“Yeah! Me and Jacob need help real bad. We run the greenhouse and also the market. It’s gettin’ to be a lot with just the two of us.” And then Jacob turns around at the sound of his name. 

“Ya’ll talkin’ about me? I didn’t do it. I don’t know nothin’ about it.” 

You're not expecting the familiar face that turns around to look at you.

"Jackie?" Your voice croaks the name out as every drop of moisture evaporates out of your mouth.

This has to be a dream-- a nightmare.

Jackie Harris, the only other man on this plant to have seen you naked, to have touched you in ways that no other person has, besides Joel, is standing here in front of you.

"Jackie Harris?"

His hazel eyes go wide when you say his name. You watch the realization, the recognition hit him like then thousand pounds of bricks.

He says your name-- your real name, and it feels like home. His voice, his eyes, the way he smiles when he realizes that this is also actually happening.

“No fucking way. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again. Holy fucking shit.” You don't know how you two started holding onto each other's forearms in this sudden and insane turn of events. “You look just like you did in high school. Except your hair. Your hair is different. You look just like you did the last time I saw you.” Jackie’s eyes scan all over your face and neck and down to your chest. “You look incredible.”

So the fuck does he! With his jet black hair and is fucking beautiful caramel brown eyes. Wow. He just looks like an older version of your high school boyfriend. He doesn’t look aged or haggard. He just looks older. Taller. More handsome and muscular. His arms feel strong under your hands and he’s gripping you so tightly like he cannot believe your real. 

“Wow.” You whisper as your eyes scan his face and chest and neck and down to his middle. You cannot believe he is here either. “How did you get here? When did you get here?” 

“I was part of this original colony, but I had been gone for a while. I was on a scouting mission to Bend, Oregon with some of our military guys. I got back a couple weeks ago. When did you get here?” He is still looking you up and down. 

“I was here before... a couple months ago, and then I left...and then I came back.” You feel awestruck. The words come out of you dreamily, like you're floating.

You snap back to reality. Very quickly.

“I had to help my boyfriend with something.” You add, because you did not forget about Joel.

No. He’s here. Also. As well.

With your ex-boyfriend from high school.

Joel is currently dripping out of your pussy and into your underwear.

  It’s fine. Everything. Is. Fine.

“You’re cheating on me? I didn’t think we ever broke up.” Jackie smiles down at you.

Fuck! Stop smiling.

He used to be so cute in school. He was one of the cute popular boys and now he is a hot, handsome man.

Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!

You look over at the woman who is still looking at you, smiling. It's like she can read the question that's forming on your lips-- even though you have no reason to ask, or care, or even want to know.

Connie drops the smile and shakes her head. 

“Ew. No. We’ve been traveling together…or like… almost ten years? He found me with a broken leg and took care of me while it healed. He’s like my brother.” Connie explains. You nod in understanding. “Ew. No. Gross .” Connie makes a disgusted sound, like she might be retching as she walks away. 

“Hey.” Joel’s voice sounds very unimpressed with the image in front of him. His new girlfriend holding the arms of another man– a handsome man.

Joel is looking him up and down– while this handsome man embraces his new girlfriend's forearms in his strong hands? No. Joel does not like this at all. “What’s goin’ on?” He eyes you up and down now skeptically. 

“Joel, you’re not going to believe this. This is my ex-boyfriend from high school. The one I talked about.”

Because you have talked of him, fondly . He was a good boy. Always nice and respectful. Had a nice big dick too if you can remember correctly but you’re not remembering. Nope. Not even thinking about it.

What is a cock?

Nobody better ask you, ‘cause you don’t know. 

“Oh. Hey–it’s nice to meet you.” Joel offers his hand for a shake and Jackie slaps his hand in Joel’s with some force and they shake…for a while. 

“Joel...we do patrol together on Wednesday nights,” Jackie looks so confused as to how Joel just forgot who he was. 

Joel knew who Jacob was?

Was he was just too flustered to fucking say the right thing!?

Joel’s eyes move back and forth in the sockets while he searches for something to say.

This might be the first time you've ever seen Joel speechless, or at a loss for words in any situation.

"Right." Joel says finally after a painfully long time of silence.

Your stomach cringes up inside of you because what the fuck was that!? Ugh! It makes you wanna die for Joel. That was awful. You wish you could leave. Right now. 

“Jackie, I’ll come see you about that greenhouse job soon. We’ll have to catch up sometime.” You pull Joel away, who is still staring at Jackie, and try to find an exit door or some place that does not have what feels like ten thousand people in it. 

“Oh, you’re goin’ t’work for him?” Joel says as you two walk outside. There are people walking by so he lowers his tone and takes a step towards you. “That really your ex-boyfriend? Are you fuckin’ shittin’ me?” Joel sounds like he’s upset with you. 

“What? You think I called him up and told him about this place, said I missed him, and told him to come over?” You start laughing because now he’s the jealous one!

“No jokes.”

Uh oh.

Joel is serious. “You wanna work for him?” He does not think you’re funny right now.

He must have not smoked your medicine this morning. 

“I’d like something to do during the day. I enjoy gardening. You know this. I’ve told you before. Connie says they need help anyway.” You kiss Joel on the mouth and he stares at you, giving you no kiss back. He’s stone-faced, his eyes follow you around in the socket.

“Connie his ol’lady?"

You want to lie and say yes to make things go easier but you don’t like to lie to Joel. Or anyone really. 

“No. It’s his sister. Travel companion.” You explain. “Joel, I'm not interested in him. I just want something to do during the day. Something I like. How lucky would I be to have that? You get that! You like being a carpenter. I wanted to work in the greenhouse before I even knew Jackie ran it.” 

“His name is Jacob. No one calls him Jackie .” Joel grumbles.

You chuckle softly at his jealousy. “How is Ava?” You flick your eyebrows up to him once and cross your arms over your chest.

Joel rolls his eyes.

“Exactly! You were at her house every two days for jam!? Gimmie a break. And she was touching on you. Joel, she wants to fuck you.”

Joel’s eyes snap back to yours. “No she doesn’t.” Joel says this like it’s something he’s convinced of. 

Interesting .

“Oh? I bet if you tried she wouldn’t turn you down.” You roll your eyes at him now. 

“Oh, like Jacob would turn you down? Did you see the way he was lookin’ at you in there?” Joel points to the door you just walked out of. “Undressing you with his eyes. I do it all the time. I know what it looks like!” 

Joel is big jealous. Big mad. Big feelings. 

“Oh, get over it. I wasn’t undressing him, which is all that matters. Do you not trust me? Have I given a reason for you not to trust me? No. I don’t lie to you. I never have.” You keep your arms crossed and turn your nose up at him. “I never even slept with him.”

Joel is by your side, his nose is in your ear. “You better never, ever do it, either.” He growls. “ Mine, remember?" He sounds so upset. You think he might be growling to cover up the…fear in his tone?" I’m your swinging dick. You’re my ol’lady. Don’t forget that.”

You pull away from him and look up into his brown eyes but they are angry. Narrowed right on to yours. 

“I don’t forget things.” You start walking back towards the building and into the building. Joel stays outside.

It’s funny to you now, walking away because you’ve been forgetting a lot lately– like, so much more than normal.

“This is my Mom!” You hear Ellie’s voice ring out over all the others and then her loud, clunky footsteps but they are accompanied by another set of footsteps. 

“Hi Mrs. Miller. Ellie doesn’t stop talking about you.” It’s Dina! Ellie wants you to meet Dina! Oh this is so—

What the fuck did Ellie just call you?

For the first time? In public and in front of other people?

She planned this so you wouldn’t make a big deal about it…you think. 

“Hi. It’s Dina, right?” You ask, holding your hand out to shake, she shakes it with vigor. Dina nods, and smiles at Ellie. “It’s nice to meet you. She pointed out where all her friends live when she showed me around.” You cover your tracks because you’re a good mom and don’t wanna give away that Ellie talks about Dina all the time. 

“Mom, can I go to the movies with the kids from school? Joel said that I could go yesterday, and I just wanna make sure it’s okay with you.” Ellie is hanging on to Dina��s jacket sleeve.

You’re hanging on by a thread because she just called you mom again. Stay calm, don’t embarrass your daughter.

It’s so hard. You wanna squeeze her until she explodes.

“As long as you’re home for supper, I’m fine with it. Have fun. Make good choices .” You lean in and kiss Ellie on the forehead. “Love you, Squeak. See you later.” You adorn her with the nickname your mom had for you growing up.

Ellie and Dina take off together and are suddenly joined by ten other kids and they all run off.

Joel is beside you. suddenly, his arm touching yours. “Where she goin’?” He asks, all the anger has left his voice. His hand finds yours and he holds it gently.

“Movies. With Dina. ” You bump your hip into his. You want to tell him what Ellie said, what she called you....but she calls Joel…Joel. So you don’t know. Maybe she will always call him that? You don’t know. You’ll wait until you talk to Ellie about it unless she says it in front of him first. 

“Sorry if I was an ass. I didn’t mean to be.” Joel squeezes your hand. He’s trying. 

“It’s okay. I got jealous too. I love you.” You rest your head on his shoulder and watch everyone mingle in the basement of the old church. 

“Love you, Bird. Wanna go for a walk with me?” 

“You’re not going to be mad if I go work, right? At the greenhouse?” Joel’s eyes are on you as you speak, you can feel them but you don’t look up to him. You keep your eyes on the sidewalk in front of you. “I just don’t wanna be bored.” You shrug.

There hasn't been enough time for you to be bored. You just got home from the hospital a week ago.

This life though, this new, calm and peaceful life with no threats feels....uncomfortable. It shouldn't, you should be thankful for the time you get to rest, and relax and sleep with your eyes closed the entire night-- not having to wake up and take watch. Not snapping your eyes open at the smallest sounds, the most insignificant noises because...what could it be?

It's quiet at night. It's unsettling.

All of this new life feels so strange.

“You’re gonna work if we have kids?” Joel asks, squeezing your hand softly in his. 

“I could. I could work in the market with Connie. Bring a baby right to work with me. Strap it right to my chest or back. Women do that in parts of the world, you know. Work with babies wrapped right up to them.” You cradle the air in front of your bust. 

“If that’s what you want, Bird.” Joel doesn’t sound like he’s convinced himself he’s okay with this. 

“Hey.” You finally stop and look up at him. “I was just shocked to see him. A familiar face. It was nice. Reminds me of a time I had almost started to think wasn’t real.” You hold back tears. “Memories of a– a simpler time. You have those memories, don’t you? You get them with Tommy.”

Joel is looking down at you, his face is not soft or understanding. He is listening to you though.

“I don’t know. I didn’t ever think I’d see someone from home– from my childhood? Never. It was just shocking to know he’s still alive. A brain fuck that he’s here in Jackson, of all places.” You take a step forward and press your chest into Joel. “Doesn’t mean you have anything to worry about. Or be jealous of.” You purse your lips together for a kiss.

Joel huffs, rolls his eyes and gives you a peck on the corner of the mouth. “Fine. I don’t like it. Not one bit. I can’t cage my Bird though.” He kisses you on the forehead now, longer than the peck. 

“You don’t have to like it. I don’t like that you still eat Ava’s shitty jam.” You sneer up at him gently, almost playfully. Joel laughs and wraps his arms around your neck and holds you close to him. 

“Shitty jam. You liked it.” He’s still laughing. “Thought it was real good until you found out who made it.” Joel continues laughing. “Brat. You're a lil brat.” Joel growls into the top of your head before he kisses it softly. “My brat. Do you want to go up top? You been up there?” Joel’s eyes shoot to the top of the wall that surrounds the colony. 

“I haven’t been up there. Are there a lot of stairs?” You wrinkle your nose.

Joel shakes his head and then stops. You see the gears turning. 

“Kinda. I’ll piggy back you up on them. Like last night. C’mon, Bird. It’s pretty up there. Pretty sure you can see your old cabin.” Joel grabs your hand and slowly leads you towards the entrance of the giant wall that keeps out all the bad. 

It’s easier to hop up onto Joel’s back today than it had been last night. You actually held on with one arm around his neck and the other gripping his shoulder as he carried you up the two flights of stairs to the top.

“My big, strong future husband.” You whisper into his ear as he nears the top. He likes this. He grips your legs tighter and makes a sound from deep in his chest. 

Things are already feeling different with Joel. Things feel more like they did on the road when he’d be nice to you in front of Ellie and hold your hand towards the end near Salt Lake. You do love Joel. So much. You almost forgot about Jackie already but then he pops back into your head just for a second. His nice smile and beautiful hazel eyes. 

“Bird, leggo f’me.” Joel is at the top of the stairs and you haven’t noticed because you’re thinking about someone else's eyes! No! Don’t do it! Stop! You ease yourself down off of Joel and he takes your hand again. “C’mon.” Joel leads you around the platform behind the outer edge of the wall. There are two sections. The outer part is the defense around the perimeter. The inner part of the wall, it’s hollow the entire way around. Then another wall, the interior. There are five feet between the two separate walls, and a platform around the entire thing for the patrol. 

“How do I get on patrol duty?” You ask as Joe slowly walks you around the large circle. 

“You’d do patrol?” Joel asks like he cannot believe you’d want to do that. 

“Do I get a cool fuckin’ vest like him?” You eye the guard on patrol now in his bulletproof, tan camouflage vest.

Joel and him both chuckle as Joel gives him a nod. “Ken.” 

“Joel.” The man in the vest says. “I got extra, if she wants one!” He calls out as Joel leads you further around the circle. 

“I do want a vest from Ken. I do. Get me one. I mean it." You do your best to keep up with Joel. “Slow down, Jesus. My leg!” You hiss at him. It feels like he’s running.

What is he running from?

You realize in that moment how fucked you’d be if anything happened to this colony. You’d have to hide. Have to. You wouldn’t be able to run for shit. Couldn’t climb a tree. Probably couldn’t even get up the stairs. You’re having a panic attack. 

“Baby? What’s wrong?” Joel is in front of you, holding onto your shoulders as you’re stopped in the middle of the platform. Eyes moving ten billion miles a minute in your head.

It feels like you can't breathe at all.

“Bird! What s’wrong? Are you okay?”

No! No you’re not okay. You are a sitting duck with this leg and you do not like it. Not one bit. You also don’t like the fact that you’d be a sitting duck nine months pregnant. Nope. Don’t like that. 

“No baby.” You whisper. “Bad leg. C-can’t run. Pregnant? Run? Baby? CRYING? ” It just comes out as panicked, incoherent babbling.

Neither of you, Joel or yourself, had put no real thought into what having a baby means. Not even a little. You had at one point, but all the common sense you had was tossed out the window when Joel started calling you a lil girl and telling you he wanted to put a baby inside you .

Mother-fucker. 

Sonofabitch . 

“What are you talkin’ about?”

Joel does nothing to try and piece together the string of words you had let fall out of your mouth.

There is a sentence inside of you that can relay all of the panic inside of you. It goes--

Joel, how could we possibly bring a new life into this world, into this place when we don't know what's going to happen? Nothing is promised, especially not our safety. How would we calm and quiet a cranky, crying baby if anything were to ever happen to these carefully constructed walls? How would we ever get out of here-- all four of us, in one piece?

What you end up saying is--

“Baby!? Crying!?”

Joel stops moving and stares into your eyes. Both of you are silent and still. For several minutes.

You think that he is reading your mind, silently understanding your fears and concerns. He's dealing with all of that in his head right now and you start to relax just a little.

“I don’t hear a baby crying.” Joel says to you so seriously, while still staring at you. 

“Not now!” You bark at him in your panicked state, and you shake yourself free from his hands.

"Watch it," Joel growls at you, narrowing his eyes.

Now is not the time to correct your tone-- not even a little bit.

“We want to have a baby?" The harshness from your voice is gone, but the worry and fear still drip off your tongue.

Joel starts to say something, but you don't let him get the words out before you're speaking again.

"I cannot run on my leg. What would we do if something happened?” You raise an eyebrow at him and cross your arms over your chest. Joel looks around and puts his arm around your shoulders and walks you slowly away from the patrol who is looking at you guys pretty hard.

“What are you talkin’ ‘bout? Nothin’s gonna happen.” Joel sounds like he’s pretty sure of this.

"Oh like you didn't think anything was going to happen on the road!" You exclaim.

Joel narrows his eyes on yours again, "Watch. It."

The intimidating voice and his scary eyes are completely ignored by you and your racing thoughts.

“We never know what’s going to happen out there, Joel. I told Ellie that in the basement of that house when I thought you were going to die! We sound stupid saying that nothing’s going to happen.” You whisper, fully aware now that you’re not at your house and basically on a stage for everyone to look at.

You keep your voice low. “I told Ellie that she needs to remember that she’s not untouchable and look at us: forgetting the same fucking thing.” You’re so disappointed in yourself.

Joel doesn’t say anything for a long time. He just walks you around the entire colony and you never actually stop to look at anything like he wanted. You just walk and think in silence.

It’s like Joel got baby stupid and forgot all these things too and now he’s suddenly remembering that wood walls and guns don’t keep out fires and other things with guns. Or explosives. 

Joel doesn’t piggy back you down the stairs, he helps you get down them carefully like your words did something to him and now he has to get you better. Immediately. No more babying you. No more carrying. You’re getting that leg better or it’s going to kill Joel. 

“Okay. Talk to me calm. Slow. I need to know what you’re thinkin’.” Joel says as you two get home and inside. He leads you to the couch. 

You explain to him everything going through your head. How would you carry a baby if your leg doesn’t heal all the way? How are you going to run from danger and protect a child and Ellie and yourself if you can barely run away? Can’t climb for shit, don’t know if you ever will be able to again.

Joel listens without saying a word. You continue to explain how the wall is a false sense of security. It always is. Maria and Tommy can have their baby. You and Joel need to focus on keeping Ellie alive. 

“Fuck.” Joel rubs his hands over his eyes and leans back against the couch. “You’re right. We got baby fever, got caught up in it.” Joel sighs, his hands still over his eyes. 

“I know. It sucks. I was really excited about it. Maybe it’s not off the table completely but this place is still so new. So fresh. Let it establish, settle a little longer. Then we can see?” You look up at Joel from your place beside him on the couch. “See how my leg heals?” 

“Yeah. Yeah. We’ll get married first. See what happens.” Joel leans in and kisses the top of your head. He wraps one arm around your neck and pulls you close into him. You rest your head on his shoulder and feel like you could cry. 

“Yeah.” You choke out— so sadly. You’re so sad. This sucks.

Fuck.

“So this is where we grow everything for the market out front. It’s all fruits and veggies. Joel and Tommy said they’d work on expanding it for us.” Jackie explains as he walks you through the greenhouse. “Maybe you can get that expedited for us.” He winks at you and you feel all the blood rush to your cheeks. 

“I’ll put in a work order with the carpenters and see what I can do.” You look into all the raised garden beds and all the plants growing out of them. 

“It’d be appreciated by everyone. We’d be able to dig into the ground. The soil is so lush and fertile here. We’d be able to expand what everyone gets weekly. Connie wants to start a pumpkin patch—”

“A pumpkin patch would be such a good idea.” You interrupt on accident but this does excite you. “Sorry, we could do pumpkins and get some corn planted. Some more wheat.” You point to the corner of the greenhouse that is dedicated to wheat and it’s almost depleted. “We could do barley and hops. The guys at the bar could set up a distillery. Make moonshine and beer.” 

“Wow. Look at you with all these good ideas.” Jackie turns, leaning against a table behind him. “You were always full of ideas. Not always good ones. Remember when you tried to back my car out of the driveway and knocked over your neighbors–”

“Mailbox? Yes. I do.” You chuckle and lean against the a large, raised garden bed. “I got into so much fucking trouble for that.” You look up at Jackie, he’s smiling at you. “My dad tried to tell me I couldn’t see you for a month—”

“I saw you that night.” Jackie finishes what you were gonna say. You nod at him. “Sure did see you that night.” He sounds sentimental. It’s making your stomach flutter because you remember what you did with him that night. Got naked in the back of his car and touched. Nothing more. Just touched but he saw you. Really saw you that night for the first time. 

“We did a lot of stupid shit back then.” You’re smirking so hard it’s turning into a smile too. Shit. Stop smiling at him. You probably look so dumb smiling at him like this.

“Sure did.” Jackie is looking at you through his lashes. He doesn’t seem devious. Not at all. Just silly. “Remember the time your mom cut my hair—” 

“And bleached the tips! Frosted tips! Oh my God! Yes!” You laugh again because he looked so fucking cute but he hated it. Hated it so much and your mom wouldn’t die it back or cut it until he grew it out a little. 

“I was so mad at your mom… ” Jackie was laughing but stopped quickly. "She still..?"

“No. I think she got as far as like, Akron Ohio, then she got taken out pretty quick.” You look down to the ground and your shoes. “What about your parents?” 

“Both made it out of Jersey. My mom stayed with a colony down in Texas but it was culty as fuck. My dad and I split and made our way up here but he passed two years ago. Heart attack out in the woods. I think. He wasn’t infected. Not shot. Just died hunting one day.” Jackie’s voice doesn’t quiver once. “Your dad last long? Seems like the kinda guy who would last long.” 

“He did. Died... maybe four years ago? I can’t remember. Got an infection in his blood. Went septic real quick after that.” Jackie nods as you explain. “Sucked to watch him die like that.”

“Damn. Surprised he didn’t shoot himself. Or worse, make you do it.” Jackie chuckles a little and so do you because that is something your dad would have made you do. 

“I was shocked too. I couldn’t believe he suffered like that for so long, ya know? He was such a hard head I thought for sure he’d limp out into the woods and end it before it got as bad as it did. He suffered to the very end.” You remember it like it was yesterday. Listening to him crying and begging to not die.

“Scared.” Jackie is looking at you when you back up at him from your feet again. “He was scared. Normal. I’da been scared. Hell, I’m still scared most of the time. These walls don’t mean shit.” You nod at him when he speaks.

“Yeah, I just had that realization yesterday after worship. It’s scary. Nothing like before the outbreak.” You sigh and shove your hands into your hoodie pocket. 

“Not even a little bit. I like this colony. The people are great but they’re all a little wall-blinded. Too comfortable.” Jackie takes a step towards you, you try to step back but there is the garden bed behind you. “Do you want the job?” He holds his hand out for yours and you nod.

“Yeah, I would.” You put your hand inside his and--

What the fuck was that? That... feeling?

Why are you buzzing the way you are? What did this man do to you? He did nothing. Not one single thing but hold your hand and shake it gently.

His eyes look into yours for a long time, he holds your hand in his as he stares at you. 

“You look so…” Jackie trails off and you pull your hand away from his. “Sorry, it’s just real crazy seeing you again.” He doesn’t take his eyes off your face. They’re focused directly onto your lips and you would kiss him if it weren’t for Joel. 

“I have to get home. Ellie will be home from school soon. I’ll come back in the morning. You can show me what I’ll be doing.” You sidestep Jackie and move as fast as your body will allow you out of the back door of the greenhouse. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. Does Joel have something to be jealous of? No. Not even a little bit. Right? Fuuuck. Shiiit. This is worse than Ava’s dry fuckin’ bread. God dammit. No fucking way.

You find a tiny piece of happiness carved right out in the woods and the two only men who have ever seen you naked are in the same colony? What are the chances? Really? You’d love to fucking know.

This sounds like some fucked up warning that your mom would give you about fooling around. 

"Keep your clothes on. You never know who is gonna see you, and then you have to see them, knowing they’ve seen you with no clothes on. For the rest of your life, Squeak! Keep your bra on! Don’t let the boys see nothin’!"

Now you wish you had kept your bra on. So badly. So, so badly.

Oh dear, it felt like... you might have kissed if you hadn't left when you had. You don’t know for sure, but it sure fucking felt like you guys were about to kiss.

You think about what Joel said to you once. 

“I’d kill anyone who ever touched you.”

Now you are terrified for Jackie!

Joel and Jackie do patrols on Wednesday nights together.

Lest a horrible accident befall Jackie this Wednesday. You’d never forgive Joel if an accident happened to Jackie while Joel was around.

You know what Joel is capable of. You’ve seen it with your own eyes. He’s also told you! He's told you what he did!

Joel told you bits and pieces of the things he did to people he would have considered innocent in this fucked up world of take take take.

Jackie is an innocent!

Fuck! 

“Where ya' goin'?” Joel’s voice booms from all around you somehow.

It's almost breaks your neck how fast you whip your head around looking for him.

Then he lets out a sharp whistle that makes you look straight up.

"Where ya' limpin' off to in such a hurry, baby girl?" Joel is peering over the rooftop of the building you were walking beside.

“Home. I just got the job at the market and greenhouse.” You shield your eyes from the sun so you can see him better. Looking into his face makes you feel better. He’s just as hot as he was before he left for work this morning.

“I bet you did.” Joel rolls his eyes. “Hold on, I’m comin’ down.” And then he’s gone. He reappears from behind the building, down an alley. “Bird. Psst. C’mere.” He nods you over with his head. You limp to him. He pulls you completely behind the building he had been working on top of. 

Joel’s mouth is on yours and his hand is down the front of your pants before you can say hi to him. You’re soaked and he is… curious as to why. 

“Wet?" Joel growls into your parted lips as his fingers thrum against your clit quickly. "Th'fuck did you do for your interview, huh?"

“I was thinking about you.” You lie to him. “Thinkin’ about how you fucked me so good this morning, Daddy.” You whisper into his ear.

Joel loves this, loves the way you’re speaking to him in public. He forces his hands further down the front of your jeans. The fabric stretches so tight that you can hear the faint creaking and ripping of the worn, thin threads keeping them together. This doesn't stop Joel, he doesn't care. His fingers slide between your velvet and into your entrance. 

“My lil girl. You are. My sweet girl.” Joel coos softly. “Come for me before you go home baby.” He pulls his fingers from within you now that they're coated in your slick and circles them around your clit quickly. “Come lil baby. I love hearing you try and hold back.”

You are trying to hold back the gasps and moans from how fast Joel's thick, strong fingers are pushing you towards bliss. It feels so good. The calloused pads of his fingers rub against you quickly and with force behind them. Joel’s warm breath on your ear and neck as he whispers dirty things.

“Love touchin’ your perfect pussy. Wanna feel you come on me before I go back to work. Hurry lil girl, I don’t got all day.” He growls against the side of your face as he works his fingers against you quicker. 

“Daddy,” you moan breathlessly against his shoulder. "Gotta walk home," you gasp, the tightness in your lower belly feels like it could snap. "Can't--- don't... please," you whine softly.

"Awe, baby doesn't wanna walk home in wet pants?" Joel taunts you, his fingers unrelenting against your aching clit. He braces you against the wall with his forearm underneath your breasts when he feels your knees buckle. "Won't make ya' squirt, just come for me baby girl..."

That exceptionally taut sensation in your belly snaps and your body goes limp against the brick wall behind you.

A string of expletives and his name Daddy, come out of your mouth in a hushed tone as Joel tips you right over the edge.

"Such a pretty girl when ya' singin' my name," he hums, and nips at your earlobe.

You don’t gush but you do come, and Joel can feel how wet you get against his fingers. You’re holding on to his biceps for dear life as he talks you through it.

“Yeah, darlin'... just like that.” Joel pulls his fingers from your pants and sticks them into your partially open mouth, but instead of letting you suck them clean, he leans in and both of your tongues lap and lick hungrily at the juices on his fingers and knuckles. Joel looks into your eyes the whole time, never looks away. “Mine. No one will ever make you feel the way I do, Bird.” 

Holy shit. Why, and how did Joel get so hot? It almost makes you sick thinking about it. He’s so experienced and you’re… technically fifteen…sexually. As weird as that sounds. You’re a grown woman, yes. But you had never even had a finger inside of you before you met Joel. You sure as hell didn’t know how to make yourself feel the way he made you feel.

You never had anything to base it on. 

Why are you even thinking about all that? Doesn’t matter. He’s your future husband. Ya’ll promised. Not that it matters at all about the promise. You love him. You love him so damn much. You again have nothing to compare it to. It’s nothing like the love you have for Ellie. And you were fifteen when you were in love with Jackie, and this feels different from that. 

Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Shit. Fuck. 

Ellie is already home from school when you walk through the door. She’s at the table doing her homework like a good girl. 

“Hey, Squeak. Can we talk?” You ask, sitting down gingerly across from her. Her eyes go sad and she looks down at the table “What’s wrong? What did you do?” You tilt your head to the side and wonder what could have happened. What did she break? She looks up at you, her fingers fidget with the pencil she has in her hand. 

“What’s wrong? Why do you sound mad at me?” She asks in her little tiny girl voice. “Are you mad that I called you mom the other day? I won—”

“Ellie, no. Not at all. I’m not mad. I loved it. I don’t ever want you to stop.” You laugh nervously and give her your concerned eyes. “Why do you look guilty though?” You ask, still nervous.

She shrugs. “You just weren’t here when I got home. Then you walk in and say we need to talk. Don’t even give me a hug.” Ellie looks back down at the table. 

“Pipsqueak .” You stand, even though it hurts. You walk around the table and hold her head into your chest. “I’m sorry. I have so much on my mind right now.” You sigh against the top of her head. “It’s got nothing to do with you though, hon.” You whisper and kiss the top of her head. “I was just distracted. I got a job today.” You pull away, still keeping your arms wrapped around her neck so you can look down at her. “Down at the greenhouse. You can come help me whenever you want, I’ll teach you how to garden.” You kiss her forehead and she finally smiles. 

“Is that what is on your mind?” Ellie asks as you limp back to your chair. You shrug your shoulders. 

“Mostly. Yeah. Just trying to adjust to not having to run away and be on the move all the time.” You lie to Ellie. “Can I ask you something?” She nods. “Why do you call me mom but you don’t call Joel dad?” Ellie drops her eyes to the table. 

“I dunno. It’s just different. He feels like my dad, but he’s just my…Joel.” Ellie’s eyes flick up from her homework. “Should I call him dad? I don’t know. It just feels…different. You never had kids before. You want to be a mom. I don’t know if calling Joel dad would just make him sad about Sarah.”

You hadn’t thought about that.  

“I think you should talk to him. Maybe don’t make that assumption for yourself, babe. He’s never going to ask you to call him dad.” You don’t know this for sure, but you would have never asked Ellie to call you mom.

The rejection if she had said no would have broken your heart in two. Also, that's kind of a weird thing to ask a kid… who is dealing with her own traumas. 

“You do? How would I even bring that up?” She rests her elbow on the table and rests her head on her fist. You lean back and think for a minute, looking down at the table before you answer. 

“Yeah. I do think you should talk to him. Just ask him what he wants. He’s told me he wants a family with all of us. Wants us to have his last name some day.” You reach for her free hand and she holds yours with hers softly. “Just talk to him. Go for a walk. I dunno. Bring him to your clean and tidy bedroom. Talk to him. Cry if you have to. Don’t hold back. Just be honest.” You squeeze her hand. “He loves you so much. So, so much. You didn’t see him doing everything he could to get you ou—”

You’re still speaking but Ellie’s eyes flash and she sits up, pulling her hand from yours. 

“What happened? That day at the hospital. I don’t remember anything. We were all outside and then I woke up in the back of that car.” 

Fuck.

It had only been two days since you and Joel had your talk on the bench outside the medical center. He had told you everything he had said to Ellie about that day, but you were high-- so you don't remember.

Not really. It's so fuzzy and only bits and pieces come to you when you try to recall what Joel had said.

“The doctors were telling us that… that the tests that they were trying weren’t working. They were going to stop looking for a cure. When Joel and I went to get you… the umm– the raiders! The raiders came. I’m sorry Ellie. I lost a lot of blood. I don’t really remember it all that well.” You lie again because you remember every single thing except for the parking garage. You remember everything before that. 

“It’s okay. That’s what Joel said happened. I don’t know. I just feel— feel like something isn’t right.” She looks back at you with skeptical eyes like she doesn’t really believe what you’ve told her but the next thing you tell her isn’t a lie. 

“I feel the same way. Things don’t feel right.” You say it before you can pepper it with some pizzazz to make it seem like you’re not scared. Her eyebrows furrow. You scramble and think of a new lie to cover up what you’ve just said. “We’re getting used to regular life. It’s hard. It doesn’t feel right. Trusting new people. Relaxing at night. It feels weird.” Good one. Good one. She seems less frightened. A little more at ease.

“That makes sense, I guess. I don’t know. Things just feel weird.” You stare at her for a long time. 

“Why do you say that?” 

“I dunno, maybe for the reasons you say? You seem different. Joel is different.” She shrugs but her eyes never meet yours. 

“How are we different? Bad different?” You’re scared now. 

“He just looks at you different. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain. He always used to look at you. His eyes were different then though. He just…looks at you different, now. Sometimes it’s a little scary–”

“It’s scary? The way he looks at me?” Your heart is pounding in your chest. Sweat is dripping down your spine and the hair on the back of your neck is standing straight up. 

“You look at him scary too though.” She looks up at you now.

"What does that mean? Look at him scary?" You're whispering for whatever reason, this feels like it should all be whispered.

"Like...you're scared of him. Like...maybe you don't trust him." She whispers back to you. "You never looked at him like that on the road. Never, ever."

You wonder how much attention she was paying to yours and Joel's faces back then. Jesus Christ.  

“How would you know what I look like when I don't trust someone?” You ask curiously, trying to hide your immense fear.

“I don’t. But I know what lookin’ scared looks like--- and lately... you look scared a lot.” Ellie confesses to you. 

“And Joel looks at me like he’s…scared?” You ask nervously. Why would Joel be scared of you? Ellie shakes her head silently. Her eyes scan across the table in front of her rapidly. “What do you mean he looks at me scary then? I don’t understand…” 

“He looks at you like…” She struggles to find the word she wants to use. “He looks like he wants to tell you—”

The front door opens. It’s Joel. 

“My girls– what are you guys talking about?” Joel looks at the scene before him.

You’re basically laying on the table, trying to coax the next words out of Ellie’s mouth and she’s leaning against the table like you’ve hypnotized her into staring at you. 

“Girl stuff!” Ellie spits it out.

Is she scared? Was she scared just this very second? You were scared and you don’t even know why---you do know why. It's because she was about to admit something terrible. You could feel it in your chest, and you still do for some reason. She just couldn’t find the word for it. Fuck. He must have gotten out early. 

“Yeah. That.” You look up at Joel who doesn’t believe either one of you. It’s in his eyes but he drops the subject and walks further into the house and into the bedroom. “I love you. We’ll talk later. Finish your homework.” You whisper to Ellie before getting up from the table.

With a still racing heart, you walk into the bedroom and lean against the door frame of the attached bathroom as he gets undressed. Fuck, he is so nice to look at. 

“Did you have a good rest of your day after I saw you?” You look him up and down as he slides the flannel off his arms. Joel looks over at you smirking and nods. 

“Could smell you on my fingers for the last hour.” Joel pulls the black t-shirt off and over his head and tosses it at you. “You’re so fuckin’ hot lettin’ me touch you like that in public. I love that shit. I was fuckin’ throbbin’. If I had more time I would have fucked you up against that wall.” Joel’s pulling his jeans off now and you can see his erection in his boxers.

Hard to fuckin’ miss. 

“Come here.” You nod Joel over but he waves you away with his hand. 

“She’s out there. Get outta here, you horny Bird. I stink. I need to shower. You’re distractin’ me.” He gets into the cold shower and shuts the curtain. 

“Yeah but I like bein’ around you. Like talkin’ to you.” You walk further into the bathroom and shut the door. You sit down carefully on the closed toilet seat and Joel looks out at you from behind the curtain. 

“So what you wanna just hang out in here with me while I jerk off and shower?” Joel chuckles but you’re nodding. 

“Yes. Moan for me, Daddy.” You whisper as he closes the curtain again. You do hear him give you a throaty groan from over the sound of the shower. “Yeah. Touch yourself for me. Are you thinking about my throat or my cunt, Daddy?” The shower curtain snaps open and Joel, who is now dripping with water, pokes his head out. 

“Who taught you how to talk like that?” His eyebrows are furrowed. You raise your eyebrows and point to him. His face softens, but not much and he snaps the curtain back to being closed. You laugh as he talks from behind it now. “Don’t stop.” 

“Do you want to go deeper in my throat like you did before? Go as deep as you can? Choke me and make me gag?” You talk softly and a little throaty. Trying to make it sound sexy for him in your jeans and sweatshirt.

“Christ, yes. I do. Keep going.” Joel answers from behind the shower curtain. 

“You can come in my mouth and all over my face. I love when you come in my mouth, Daddy.”

“Jesus H Christ.” Joel groans softly. You hear him panting softly and another soft groan and then he’s quiet. “You’re terrible. Horny as hell. S’one of the reasons I love the shit out of you, dirty bird.” Joel’s laughing from behind the shower curtain. “You got the job? I’m proud of you, baby. I forgot to tell you earlier.” 

“Thank you. I’m going in tomorrow morning to start. Jacob wanted me to tell you that the expansion of the greenhouse would help the colony a lot. Get some more stuff planted. Have more food per house.” You explain, still sitting on the toilet set. “Just passing the word along.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll talk to Tommy about it. We can probably put the bowling alley on hold for a couple weeks.” Joel’s voice carries over the shower curtain. “I’d get to see you too. You’d be there, right?” 

“Yeah. There or inside the market, but I’d be there.” You smirk because he is sweet and kind. Hot as hell, too. Even at fifty-something. 

“What do you wanna do for dinner? I was—”

“I have to go hunting, it’s my turn. I go with Tommy, Ken and Philly on Monday’s.” Joel shuts the shower off. “I’m not gonna be here for dinner. You and Ellie go to Maria’s for dinner. She’ll probably be there all by herself.” He wraps himself up in a towel. “I’m sorry,” He sees the look of disappointment on your face. 

“It’s okay. Don’t be sorry.” You know Joel has responsibilities here.

You won’t be going to Maria’s. You will be staring into Ellie’s eyes and trying to get her to spill the beans.

What the fuck was she going to say before Joel got home? 

Ellie is staring at you from the edge of her bed. She’s got her knees tucked up into her chest. She is looking at you with regret in her eyes.

“I shouldn’t have said anything. I don’t even know what I’m talking about.” Ellie says when you don’t let up the staring contest. 

“ Liar .” You whisper. “Tell me what you were gonna say.” 

“I can’t.” Ellie’s eyes are pleading with you to leave her alone. Stop pestering. You’re not going to like the answer. 

“You can. That’s the thing. You have the mouth and the vocal cords that make it possible for you to tell me.” Ellie rolls her eyes. “Why can’t you tell me? I won’t like what you say?” You ask. Ellie nods. “Is it about Joel?” You lean in. Ellie nods again. “Is it bad? Real bad?” You’re forehead is almost touching Ellie's. 

“Mom, I can’t. You’ll be so mad.” 

This makes you do two things. It makes your heart explode with love for that little girl. So much love.

It also makes your heart and stomach drop into your asshole. 

“Okay. I’m gonna guess– and all you have to do is nod or shake your head no. ‘Kay?” Your words feel like they are getting stuck in your throat as you talk. You think of all the things. “Does Joel look at me like he wants to hurt me?” Ellie shakes her head and furrows her brows. “Okay. Does it have anything to do with what we were talking about earlier?” You ask desperately. She shrugs. “That’s not an answer. Yes or no.” You point your index finger at her. She shakes her head. “But it is about Joel?” You tilt your head to the side, still pointing at her. She nods again. 

Fuck. Fuck.

When Ellie does decide to talk it’s fast. So fast you almost can’t understand her.

“JoelandMiss.AvakissedabunchbeforeweleftforSaltLake.” Ellie throws her hands over her mouth and closes her eyes.

You gasp. So loud.

“See! I knew you were going to be mad! I should have never said anything!"

“No! I'm-- This is-- Don't--You’re fine. I knew about it. I did.” You lie. 

“Then why did you make that sound!?” She exclaims, with a raised eyebrow in confusion.

You have to think. 

“I am just so shocked... that... um... that-- that you know! Why and how do you know that!?” You exclaim. 

“We stayed here in this house before we left and she would come over all the time. I’d see them on the couch before they’d go into your bedro—”

“Stop!” You hold your hand over her mouth. “I don’t want you to tell me anything else. Okay? I love you so very much, you cute fuckin’ baby.” You stand up and kiss her forehead. “I love you.” Your hand is still over her mouth. “You’re perfect and you did nothing wrong. Not at all. I knew all this.” You lie again. 

Oh.

You didn't know any of this shit!

What the fuck!?

You think you might actually throw up.

All of that happened before you guys became official-- at the same time as your little escapades in the woods. What the fuck? Okay. It’s fine. You two were not exclusive then.

You are going to throw up. You actually have to go outside and stand on the porch for fresh air. Your head is spinning.

Of course he wouldn’t tell you.

You wonder where Jackie lives; you wonder why he wasn’t the one you passed on the road the day you met Joel. Hmph. 

You wait on the porch until two in the morning. Joel comes home with a beer in his hand. 

“You waited up f’me?” Joel slurs softly.

You chuckle because you've been stewing in your newfound anger, and it’s very clear headed anger, waiting up for him. Yes. 

“Sure did. Come sit, buddy.” You pat the seat on the bench next to you.

“Buddy? Uh-oh. What’d I do?” Joel smirks and starts up the stairs. You’re so glad that he’s giggling.

You hope he keeps giggling honestly, it’ll make it easier to shove that beer bottle into his urethra. 

“Why don’t you tell me? Since I already know, I’d like to hear it from you.” You’re still smiling. You have no idea why, you’re actually so upset. The smile is coming from the insane part of your brain. You’ve never really ventured there before. Never had a reason.

Joel gives you a big brown eyed look. Not falling for it this time.

“What are you talkin’ ‘bout?” Joel leans back and takes a swig off his beer bottle.

You mirror him and lean back, smiling still, you can’t stop it.

“Why’re you smilin’ at me like that? You sound mad…"

The light leaves Joel’s eyes; you can see it happen. They go dull like the bulb died behind them.

“I know, Joel. I fucking know.” 

He doesn’t say anything, just stares at you.

“Yep. I know about who used to come visit in between our little romps in the woods.” You shake your head at him, the smiles gone now. Long gone. “In our bed?” You ask dully. “Really? You moved me into a bed that you used to fuck someone else on? You couldn’t even get a new house? There are other house— Oh… is it because someone else’s house is two doors down…” The smile is back, why the fuck are you smiling? 

“That had nothin’ to do with–”

“Oh my God. I thought for sure you were going to deny it. Not admit to it first thing. Oh God. I have to go for a walk.” You stand up but Joel tries to grab your hand. “No.” You pull it from his grasp and stuff it into your hoodie pocket. “I’m walking. Maybe I’ll come home tonight. I don’t know.” 

Not only did Joel fuck Ava. He lied about it. You asked. Okay. He didn’t really lie because you asked if something happened between him and Ava while you were in the hospital. Joel with his audacity to have said anything about your cunt belonging to him before you left for Salt Lake while he was already fucking someone else. Did he ask Ava first and she said no? Is she mad that he came back with someone else? If it wasn’t almost two thirty in the morning you would have gone up to her door and knocked because you’re really tapping into that crazy jealous part of your brain— OH! What if Ava is one of those going deepest women Joel said he knew??!! Oh! No! Joel could be going deeper into her throat right now! You think about rushing home but you do not. Your jealousy won’t get the best of you. Not tonight. 

“Bird?”  

Stop. Stop it right now. Why is Jackie Harris out walking around at two thirty in the morning? 

“Jackie?” You turn and it is him. It's Jackie Harris and he’s carrying a shotgun like Joel had been carrying. “Did you hunt tonight?” You ask curiously. He nods, motioning you to follow him. 

“Philly came down with something, stomach bug, food poisoning. Asked if I could cover for him– what are you doing up? Lookin’ for Joel? We all went to Tommy’s house after–”

“I found Joel.” You say curtly. Jackie chuckles. You look up at him. 

“He in the dog house for something?” Jackie looks down at you with his beautiful hazel eyes. 

“Is it that obvious?” You can’t help but smile at the look he’s giving you. 

“Kinda.” Jackie pulls his gaze from yours and stops in front of a pale yellow house. “Me and Connie live here. Wanna come inside?” It sounds innocent. Like just a friendly, do you need someone to talk to? You do need someone to talk to but it’s, like, super inappropriate to be talking to your childhood ex-boyfriend about it? Right? “We can just sit on the porch– I don’t want to put you in a weird position with Joel.” 

“Yeah, we can sit on the porch.” 

Jackie leads you up the driveway. Your house with Joel is on the other side of this house. You cannot see it from your front porch. You could see Jackie’s backyard from yours. But you’re not in Jackie’s backyard. 

“Everything okay?” Jackie asks it hesitantly, like he knows this isn’t a good idea either. You shrug. This is getting dumber and dumber by the second. Why did you even follow him up here? “You don’t have to talk about it. But I am always here to listen. If you ever need a friend in this place. A real one. Connie, too. She’s a good kid. Got a good heart.” 

“You never slept with her?” You give him a knowing look. He shakes his head. 

“Nah, it wasn’t ever on my mind really. I did it a couple times with some girls in colonies and shit we’d find. But when it was me and my dad and Connie all together on the road it was hard.” Jackie chuckles and shakes his head. “Never tried with Connie and then when I was horny enough to ask, it felt weird because she felt like family.” Jackie’s laughing under his breath now. The way his face moves, the lines around his mouth and eyes show the years he’s aged but it’s handsome. He’s handsome. His laughter makes you smile. 

Neither of you talk for a while. Then Jack speaks again, softly. 

“Is Joel…good to you? Nice to you?” His eyes are looking into yours when you look up from the floor. 

“You’re the second person to ask me that in like…three days.” Your eyes scan his face and he looks worried for you. “Why?” Your heart is pounding in your chest again. Jackie seems good at articulating his words. He’ll fucking tell you. 

“I just heard stories. He’s a no bullshit kinda guy, from what I hear. Just wanna make sure you’re safe.” Jackie tries to smile but you can see the fakeness behind it. “He’s a lot older than you. Like, almost twenty years. I know you’re grown but…it’s not like you had a lot of experience before the outbreak.” Jackie looks out into the road, like he’s nervous and checking to see if anyone is coming. No one is. 

“What do you mean?” The words he speaks confuses you. Not as confused as you are to how Joel went through Ava’s shit jam so fast. But you look at him with worry in your eyes because this is your future. You made a promise. 

“I dunno. It’s probably nothing. Forget I said—” Jackie sighs loudly and you can hear the regret in his voice but you want someone to give you a clear answer.

“What do you mean? Tell me. I live with the guy.” You take a step closer to Jackie and he backs away slowly. He didn’t do that earlier, he stepped towards you. The thought of Joel and Jackie in the woods alone races through your head. “Did he talk to you? Did he say anything to you on this hunting excursion?” You raise an eyebrow and take another step towards him, he tries to back away again but the edge of the porch is behind him. He shakes his head but his eyes are staring at your forehead! Not your eyes! “Look’it me.” You stand on your tip toes for two seconds and catch his eye. “What’d he say to you?”

“I’m not fuckin’ repeating what he said. No way. I’d never call you those things. Never.” Jackie furrows his eyebrows. The blood drains from your face. 

“What did he call me?” You ask softly. You feel tears prick at the corners of your eyes. Jackie does take a step towards you and reaches for you but he withdraws his hand at the last minute. You two are just on his front porch, standing inches apart. Jackie is taller than Joel by a couple inches, you have to crane your neck up to look at him. 

“I won't repeat it because it wasn’t very nice.” Jackie whispers. “Why are you mad at him?” He asks just as softly. 

“I found out he was fucking Ava before we left for Salt Lake.” You whisper it to him like he slipped you some kind of truth serum. “We weren’t together then but we were fucking too. And he lied to me about it.” The tears fall from your eyes in big, fat drops. Jackie wipes them away gently with his thumb. 

“I figured you knew about that. Everyone does.” His voice is so sweet as it delivers this heart wrenching news. It makes you close your eyes and lean into him. “I’m sorry, B.” He whispers, wrapping one arm around your back. “That’s real shitty. I’m sorry.” 

“What did he say about me? What did he call me, Jackie. Don’t let me end up with an ass.” You plead quietly in his chest. You feel him sigh softly. 

“C’mon. Sit. I’ll tell you everything. 

After you sit down on the bench similar to the one on your porch Jackie explains what happens out in the woods. 

The Woods 

  “We need to talk.” Joel’s voice is quiet behind Jackie, it startles him slightly but he nods Joel up to his side. Their steps are slow and quiet. They fall into rhythm with each other mindlessly to make less noise. 

“What’s up, man? Everything okay?” Jackie looks down at Joel with concerned eyes. Jackie knew that his ol’lady had been up in the medical center for a while. Jackie just hadn’t known who his ol’lady was. Connie talked about you a lot. Called you Birdie but that’s not what Jackie knows you as. Nope. Now, he’s worried something’s wrong with you the way Joel is talking. 

“That’s up to you.” Joel doesn’t look at Jackie when he talks, just keeps his eyes scanning the woods in front of him. “You still got eyes for Bird or did I make that up yesterday in the church basement? The way you were lookin’ at her?” Joel still doesn’t look up, but his voice is steady and low. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. “Her cunt was all wet when she left the greenhouse today after seein’ you. You know anything about that?” Joel does look up at Jackie now, to gauge his reaction. All Joel sees is shock.

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Joel. I wouldn’t touch her. I know she’s not available.” Jackie whispers after a couple moments of scanning Joel’s face to see if he was going to smile and laugh and slap his back, say just kidding or something but Joel stays stone faced. 

“If she was available you’d touch her though right? See if that pussy tastes the same as it did in high school?” Joel isn’t looking at Jackie anymore, he doesn’t need to look at him. He knows that this handsome young man didn’t touch his Bird in that greenhouse but Joel knows that he wants to. 

“You’re reading way too much into it. We haven’t seen each other in over twenty years, Joel. It was shocking– to say the least– to turn around and see her standing right in front of me. Regardless of what you two got going on now. I did care for her a lot at one point and it is nice to see her.” Jackie explains calmly, also with a steady voice. Both men are poised out here in the dark woods. “I’m not like that kinda guy, Joel. I can care about someone and not want to fuck them.” Jackie isn’t lying. His mom raised him to be a respectful, caring young man. He respects women. Joel is sounding like he doesn’t. Jackie doesn’t like that. Knowing he’s going home to you later. 

Joel doesn’t interrupt or anything. Doesn’t make a sound. Just listening to the confidence in this boy's voice. Jackie waits for a response because he yes, he can care for someone without wanting to fuck them. Sure. But it’s all he’s fucking thought about since he’s seen you. Had to go home and jerk off twice after worship. All knowing you were Joel’s ol’lady. 

“Is all you had to say?” Jackie says after a painfully long bout of silence. Joel chuckles. 

“No.” It’s short and Joel turns his head to look at Jackie and stops walking for the first time since they met up. Jackie stops too and looks down at Joel in the light of the moon. He looks skeptical of Joel and the older man can see it all over Jackie’s face. “She’s mine. I mean it. I’m putting babies inside her. Right before worship I filled her right up to the brim. She had her hands on your arms but my come was leaking out of her pussy. Remember that next time you wanna stroke one out to my cunt. My baby factory. ” And then Joel walks off without another word. 

Jackie is left standing under a giant tree, completely stunned and honestly disgusted that Joel would ever say that about anyone. Let alone you! The first woman Jackie had ever seen completely naked. The image of you with your knees spread, fingers inside of yourself in the backseat of his Dodge Neon the night you ran over your neighbor's mailbox was burned into his brain. Jackie had so much respect for you, the way Joel spoke about you made him angry. 

Once the hunt was over Tommy invited everyone over for a couple of beers before everyone went home, including Jackie. They all sat around the fire and talked about the bounty they had been able to bring in tonight. Tommy got a couple rabbits, big ones. Ken got a deer a couple miles away from the colony and Tommy and Joel had to help him bring it in.

Jackie got a deer too, after the talk with Joel. But he was able to carry it in on his own. They skinned the animals, bled them. Ken stayed back and butchered everything up for tomorrow at the market. There was a big deep freeze he would go put everything in when he was done. Jackie would be showing you how to organize it all for everyone in the community tomorrow. 

Joel’s eyes never left Jackie. Not one time. Even Tommy noticed when he tried to pass him a joint and Joel never noticed. Tommy had to tap him on the shoulder twice. 

Jackie smoked, like to smoke and drink. Eased a little of the trauma he was dealing with himself. Quietly. Eventually, when Jackie had his fill of weed and beer, he said his good nights and headed home. He lived the furthest from Tommy and was going to take his time. He had a lot to think about and was tired of going home to an empty bed.

Joel had followed him out, with a beer in his hand. Jackie cut down towards the medical center, in the opposite direction of the housing tract to avoid talking to Joel again.

Now especially because Joel had been drinking. Jackie sat on the bench outside of the medical center, in front of the park for a while before he decided it was safe to head home. That’s when he ran into you.

“He said all of that?” You cannot believe your ears. No way. Joel wouldn’t speak about you like that to someone else, would he? You clearly don’t know that man at all! Or…Jackie could be lying– but Jackie has never lied to you and Joel is caught in a whole new lie about Ava right now. Jackie just nods his head solemnly. 

“You can stay here tonight– no funny business, really– I’d sleep on—”

“Joel might actually burn your house down if I do that.” You say. There was supposed to be humor wrapped up in those words but no humor came out. Just fear. 

“I was thinking that too. With us in it.” Jackie chuckles softly. “You’ll be alright– going back there tonight?” You nod. You don’t really ever think Joel would hurt you. He might yell at you and call you terrible things but now you know where Jackie lived. You’re honestly surprised Joel hasn’t come looking for you yet. 

“Yeah. I should go home now. Before he comes looking for me.” You chuckle nervously. 

Jacob Harris leans in and kisses you softly. A soft exhale of breath from his nose tickles your upper lip when he touches you, like he had been wanting this. You let out the same exhale from your own nose because it does feel good. It ended as quickly as it had happened and you are left blinking at a blinking Jacob Harris. 

“I’m so sorry.” He whispers. “I don’t know why I did–”

“I have to go.” You stand and limp away as quickly as you can. 

Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

There is a light on at Ava’s house when you walk by and panic strikes your heart because why is she awake? Did Joel go over there? 

No, he did not. He’s still on the porch. You had been gone for over an hour, close to two honestly and Joel hadn’t moved an inch. 

“Where’d you limp off to for so long?” Joel asked like he already knew. He doesn’t look at you when you stand in front of the door to go inside.

“I ran into Jackie.” You do not lie. Joel’s head snaps to you. “We talked for a while.” You lean against the door frame and cross your arms. Joel’s eyes are locked onto yours and he looks panicked. Like he did in the hospital when the first shots were fired in your direction. When he realized how much blood you were losing. He has those same eyes. 

“What’d you guys talk about?” Joel asks. He doesn’t sound curious. He sounds again, like he already knows. 

“Old times. Being dumb kids.” You don’t really lie. “Talked about our families.” You pepper in some of the conversation from the greenhouse earlier to give it some flavor.

Joel just nods.

“Talked about what you guys shot in the woods.” You drop your tone a little, and make him have to strain to hear you. “Told me what you said.”

Joel chuckles and shakes his head in disbelief. “What’d he tell you? I didn’t see that kid all night. I was with Tommy and Ken most of the night.” Joel rolls his eyes and turns away from you now, looking back out into the front yard.

You nod at him slowly. “What about before that? You didn’t talk to Jackie? Didn’t call me your cunt. A baby factory?” You sneer at him.

Joel shoots up off the bench and is in front of you before you can react. 

“I never fucking said that. I never would say that shit. Anything he said to you was a bullshit excuse to try and fuck you. Don’t be so fucking gullible.” He’s growling. Angrily. 

“You only like it when I'm gullible for the lies you tell me.” You pull away and look up at him. “I believed every fucking word you said to me about Ava. You looked me right in the eyes and said nothing happened. When something clearly did happened. Whether it was before me or not. I had a right to know and you had a very good opportunity to tell me about it and you didn’t.” You’re angry. So angry you could hit him but you keep your emotions level, surprisingly. You did just kiss Jacob Harris and it felt good. 

“So now what? You’re done with me?” Joel doesn’t move when you go for the door handle. 

“I don’t know. Maybe. I’m sleeping upstairs tonight. I’ll never sleep in that bed you fucked Ava on ever again. Never.” You snap at him. That’s exactly what you do too. Upstairs in a little twin bed. 

You don’t cry. You are too busy touching yourself, thinking about Jackie touching you. You wish you had stayed at his house but you knew Joel would have come looking for you eventually. Better to not get caught with your pants down with another man. If you had stayed you would have kept kissing Jackie. You know it in your heart. Your pussy knows it too, it was leaking when you got upstairs. 

The only reason you don’t cry when you’re done coming…twice is because you know you get to see Jackie tomorrow at the market and that makes you excited in a different way. If gives you butterflies in your belly.

Joel is gone and already at work when you wake up in the morning which is unusual, he usually eats breakfast with Ellie in silence but he’s gone. Fine with you. Ellie is still getting ready for school in her room when you come out of the bedroom across the hall. She pokes her head from around the door and gives you suspicious eyes. 

“Joel was snoring so bad last night. Had a couple of drinks at Uncle Tommy’s house after the hunt.” You hate lying to Ellie. It makes your heart heavy.

She seems to believe this so you go downstairs slowly. Your leg is fucking aching. You make Ellie eggs and toast. You leave off Ava’s shit jam. You actually throw it right in the trash. Fuck Ava. Smiling all nice in your face the other day and then touching Joel’s arm?

Fuck. Ava. 

“Are you mad at him?” Ellie asks with eggs in her mouth. You shrug. 

“I’m not exactly happy that you know about all of this.” You sigh and drink your instant coffee. “I don’t know what I feel, Squeak.” You look at her pretty face and smile at her and think about how much you love her. You’d never leave Ellie. Never. 

“Are you going to sleep upstairs again tonight?” It’s like she had time in between seeing you upstairs and coming down here to think about things and not accept Joel snoring as a good enough excuse. 

“I don’t know.” You don’t lie to her again because you don’t know. You don’t really want to, but you meant what you said to Joel about never sleeping in that bed downstairs ever again. Never. “Do you want me to walk to you school?” You flick your eyebrows up at her and she nods excitedly. You change your clothes and brush your hair.

“Do you like school?” You ask as you and Ellie walk hand in hand. “Like really like it? The classes and stuff. I know you like hanging out with your friends. Do you think you learn a lot?” You’re curious about her little life outside of your house. 

“It’s okay. It’s boring most of the time but I like having somewhere to go. Something to do. I do learn a lot. I felt like I learned more on the road with Joel.” She looks down to the gound, “Where was he this morning? He usually walks most of the way with me.” Ellie looks up at you with a hint of sadness in her big brown eyes but mostly she sounds curious. 

“Had to work early. I’m not sure where though.” You passed the bowling alley and they weren’t there on the roof like they had been yesterday. You drop her off at school and all the other parents are waving goodbye. You kiss Ellie’s forehead. “Good choices. Love you. I might be home when you get out. Might not. Dunno yet. Snack and homework. Stay home!” You call to her as she runs to meet her friends. 

Joel and Tommy are at the greenhouse, expanding. You chuckle to yourself when you see them out back behind the market but head inside. Jackie is standing behind the counter, already smiling before you come in. 

“Morning.” Jackie keeps smiling as you come around the counter to stand beside him.

“Mornin’. I’m ready to work. Tell me what to do, boss.” You look up at him with the least amount of lust you can. You try and make your eyes look dead but it doesn’t work because Jackie keeps smiling down at you. He has a clipboard in his hand.

“Everything gets distributed by person. If someone lives in a house alone, they don’t get as much as a family of four. But everyone gets some of everything.” Jackie runs through the list of all the families and households and how much everyone gets by weight. “We have a scale here. You weigh it out. Toss it in a bag, throw it in the fridge. We distribute it as it they come in. It used to be self serve but people kept taking the wrong bags.” Jackie looks down at you as he hands you the clipboard. “You can hold on to that. Come on, I’ll show you how and when we harvest.”

Joel’s eyes are on you as soon as you step outside. Both of you. Tommy has to tell him multiple times to stop looking at you and get back to work. Tommy just think’s that his brother’s got a hard on for his ol’lady but Joel’s thinking about driving a hammer into Jackie’s skull. You can feel it in the way his eyes are burning holes into the back of your head. 

“We harvest as the fruits and veggies come in. Families put down their preference of stuff we’re short on, so we aren’t giving blackberries to a family who would prefer blueberries in a shortage of blackberries. We could be giving those to families whose kids only eat blackberries and won’t touch blueberries. You gotta pay attention— look it says right here..” Jackie stands close to you, so close you can feel the heat radiating off of him. He points to a couple families who have different color asterisk next to their name. Their preferences are color coordinated down at the bottom. 

“I can see why you and Connie need the help.” It’s a lot. Way more than you expected. Not just gardening. 

Jackie heads back inside and this is when Joel finally comes over and stands in front of you as you read the clipboard. You can see him but you don’t look up. He clears his throat and finally, you shoot him a glance.

"What?"

“Knock it off. You still mad?” Joel doesn’t sound like he has time for your attitude and that makes you even more angry.

“Yeah. I am. Are you going to be a dick about it?” You look up at him now and drop the clipboard between you to your side. “You fucked up, what are you mad at me for? Holding you accountable for it?” You narrow your eyes onto his. “I’m still on the fence about you. I don’t know what I want but you’re doing a good job of pushing me over to the other side.” You whisper it to him so that Tommy can’t hear. Or at least hear you yelling at him. 

“What’s waiting for you on the other side, Bird?” Joel’s eyes are softer now. “You don’t know that guy. You think you, do but twenty years went by. I did fuck up by not telling you about Ava, yes. I’ll admit that, but Birdie. I didn’t say any of those things about you in the woods. I swear.” Joel’s eyes never leave yours and they never waver.

Something ticks inside of you, like he might be telling you the truth. 

“Why would he say that then?” You whisper even quieter now. Joel answers almost before you can finish your sentence. In his own strain whisper he leans into your ear,

“Because you’re a beautiful Bird. I’m not the only one who thinks so.” Joel kisses the side of your head quickly before you can pull away. “I mean it, baby. I would never say that shit about you. I like to say that shit to you. Not about you. I’d never talk about you like that. Ever.” Joel does sound like he’s being genuine. Hurt that you would even believe those things. 

“Despite however I feel about that, I still am upset about the whole Ava thing. Real mad and I don’t know how I’m going to get over that. I really don’t. I need some time to think. Really think.”

Joel looks worried as you speak, the worry growing more and more. “Okay. You know where I am when you’re ready. I love you.” Joel leans in and kisses you gently on the lips. You let him. He smells like home. 

You didn’t really listen to Joel last night, you were too upset but now. He has a point. You don’t really know Jackie. At all. You think you do, because he feels like home. But that home is just a memory and not the right now. Joel is your home. Has been since before you got back to Jackson.

The rest of the day goes by alright. Nothing to crazy. All you can think about is what Joel said and now you’re desperate to talk with him. You feel like an ass for believing Jackie right off the jump. He kissed you right after! He was obviously thinking about it! Jackie has reason to lie to! And now you really miss your cabin in the woods. This wasn’t something you’ve ever dealt with as an adult. Not a grown woman! This was child's play! Schoolyard bullshit. Fuck. 

Ellie is home when you get back from work. You give her a big hug, the biggest hug you’ve ever given her and don’t let go until she is pulling away from you with protesting sounds. 

“Mooooooooom, stop. What is wrong? Jeez, almost popped my fuckin’ head off.” She smirks while she grumbles and you sit down across from her at the table. “Did you see Joel today?” She asks softly, like she’s nervous he ran away and left you two. You nod. Ellie’s eyes light up. 

“He’ll be home soon.” You scan her face with your eyes. She’s too grown. Has gone through too much for almost fifteen. You did too for your age, though. It still isn’t fair. “Did you have a good day?”

Ellie runs through every minute of her day from when you left her at the school until you walked through the door.

You smile through the whole thing. 

“Did you have a good first day at work?” She asks, returning to the homework she has in front of her. 

“Yeah. It was good. There’s a lot more to getting food from the market than I thought.” You sigh softly and lean back in your chair. “I need to ask you something and I really don’t want to. But I know you’ll tell me the truth if you know it.” Ellie’s eyes shoot up to yours from the table. “Did Joel ask Miss. Ava to come with you to Salt Lake?” Ellie thinks, you can see it in her eyes; how hard she's really thinking, but she shakes her head quickly from side to side and sets her pencil down on the table gently. 

“She was sad he was leaving. I remember hearing her crying. Asking if she could come and Joel said no.” Ellie looks at you with very serious eyes. “He said to her real loud– I could hear him from upstairs– they both knew it was going to end. She shouldn't have gotten attached."

Oh. Joel asked you to come though. Joel protected the shit out of you too minus the stabbing and getting shot. It’s fine. You wanted to go. Joel kept you alive. Fed you. Snuggled you up in the woods. 

Fuck. Nothing makes sense anymore and might never again. How could two things feel so right at the same time and also so very, very wrong. Kissing Jackie last night did feel good. You don't feel so good about it now. Not at all, actually.

The front door opens and it’s Joel. He walks in silently, gives Ellie and long kiss on the top of the head and goes to the bedroom. You do exactly what he did and follow him. 

“Thought you were mad at me.” Joel says from the bathroom as he gets undressed. It’s fucking hard to stay mad at him when he has no shirt on. Jesus Christ. The man is perfect in every way. 

“I am. For not being honest with me.” You murmur, it's true you are still mad. You have new questions for Joel. “Why’d you ask me to come to Salt Lake?” You drop your eyes to the floor because you feel dumb and don’t know why you’re asking dumb questions. This feels like a dumb question because he told you. He said to you one night shortly after you departed that he was going to “fuck you every night until ya’ll got to where you were going, because he’d be cranking his hard cock thinking of that pussy every night” but that was bedroom talk. You think. “Really, why'd you ask me?” You ask after a minute of silence 

“Bird, look’it me.” Joel says softly. He’s in just his jeans, leaning against the sink. “You’re fun. You make me laugh. We stayed together that last night and havin’ you pressed up against me in your bed– I stayed up all night wonderin’ how I was gonna leave you behind. Watch you get snatched up by someone else?” 

“While you were fucking someone else already?” You like Joel’s answer, but you are still extremely pissed that he wasn’t completely honest with you.

Joel says against the sink, which you’re thankful for because if he came over here, you’d lose all your trains of thought. Lose ‘em or they’d all start crashin’ into each other. Whatever. 

“I was fuckin’ Ava. Yeah. We weren’t dating. I didn’t like her. She just kept comin’ over. Showin’ up with jam and bread, bein’ real nice. Hard to say no to. Specially when you only wanted to see me every—”

“I never set that rule up? That was all–” Joel drops his chin into his chest and looks at you through his lashes. “Did I set that rule up?” It was so long ago you can’t really remember. 

“Yeah, I was gettin’ ready to leave after that first time and you said as I was walkin’ away, wanna meet back here every four days when the sun goes down?” Joel pulls his chin up and looks at you with his big, perfect brown eyes. “Like I said before, I assumed you had a husband, someone you didn’t want me t’know about so I never pressed it.” 

Fuck, it’s coming back to you now. You were so desperate to see him again when he left and he never told you how to find him, you never told him how to find you either so you just called it out over your shoulder. You do remember now. Fuck. You could have been the one here with Joel and not Ava. Fuck. 

“I felt like an asshole once I realized you had been alone out there in the woods the whole time.” Joel runs his hands through his hair. It’s getting a little shaggy. You like it. His facial hair is coming in a little thicker. He did follow you home the night you told him you didn’t in fact stay with the colony and were in the woods alone. 

“Okay. I am sorry for bein–” You start but Joel does take a step towards you and cuts you off.

“Don’t be. You got nothin’ to be sorry for. I was an asshole. I was, really. I told you I am not good at this boyfriend thing but I do not want you to walk away from me.” Joel sounds like he means it.

But you do have something to be sorry for because you did kiss Jacob Harris while you and Joel were still together. 

“Why did Jacob know I was wet after the greenhouse?”

Joel’s eyes fill with panic and he’s back leaning against the counter with his hands over his face, pulling his cheeks down slowly. 

“I might’a talked to him.” Joel admits without looking at you. “I did ask him what happened at that greenhouse, what made you so excited– you were fuckin’ drenched when I saw you yesterday afternoon– you know what he told me?” Joel looks at you now with very serious eyes. You don’t say anything but you continue to stare at him. “He told me that you two kissed.” 

“What!? I didn’t kiss him until after the hunt–” You bite your lips between your teeth and close your eyes and sigh. 

“You did kiss him...” You can’t see Joel’s eyes but you can hear it in his voice that he’s…a mixture of emotions. “You kissed him. Last night?” 

“It was after I had found out about you and Ava! I was mad! I though–”

Joel is in front of you, leaning down so he can be level with you. “Did he kiss you or did you kiss him?” The way Joel is asking makes you nervous. 

“Joel. Does that matt—”

“Yep. Did he kiss you? Lied to you about what I said in the woods, made me look bad, made you not trust me and then he kissed you?” Joel’s voice is gravel. “Told you not to be so gullible, Bird.” Joel leans in kisses you softly and goes back to the shower to finish undressing. 

What? Is Joel not going to kill you and Jackie and bury your bodies in the woods or was he going to shower first? Then kill you guys?

Nothing made sense anymore. Joel finishes undressing and gets into the shower, closes the curtain and then looks out at you. 

“Come talk to me. I can’t really look at you right now, but we’re not done talkin’.” Joel growls and snaps the curtain shut quickly. This makes you sick. That he can’t look at you. “You wanna know what happened out in those woods? I’ll tell you what really happened.”

The Woods 

“We need to talk.” Joel’s voice is quiet behind Jackie, it startles him slightly but he nods Joel up to his side. Their steps are slow and quiet. They fall into rhythm with each other mindlessly to make less noise. 

“What’s up, man? Everything okay?” Jackie asks steadily. Joel had known Jackie since before he had left for Salt Lake. Jackie and a couple guys had done a scouting mission for supplies to Oregon, left a couple weeks before Joel himself left the colony with Ellie and you. Jackie knew that Joel had a woman up in the medical center, Joel talked about you on patrol sometimes. It’s funny to Joel now because Jackie had known you all along.

“That’s up to you.” Joel doesn’t look at Jackie when he talks, just keeps his eyes scanning the woods in front of him. “You still got eyes for Bird or did I make that up yesterday in the church basement? The way you were lookin’ at her?” Joel still doesn’t look up, but his voice is steady and low. Jackie doesn’t really know what to say. “She was soaked after seein’ you at the greenhouse. You get her all warmed up for me?” Joel partially teased. “I don’t want no trouble. I’m wantin’ to start a family with her. We’ve been trying. Tried before worship the other morning.” Joel gives Jackie a knowing look. 

“Alright.” Jackie says, dropping his eyes to the ground in front of him. “We kissed in the greenhouse the earlier. I must’a gott’er all warmed up for you. I’ll keep my distance though, knowin’ she’s your old lady. Keep your eye on her though. She’s a sneaky one. Always has been.” Then Jackie walks away.

Joel tells you almost the same exact story except for what was said. 

“Why didn’t you tell me this last night?” You asked, you had just worked with Jackie all day and honestly, felt like he was pretty nice. Didn’t seem to devious or at least you didn’t think he did. 

“You were angry. I was angry. If I had kept talkin’ I would’a said somethin’ terrible– like I always do– so I just kept my mouth shut and let you go to bed.” Joel says from behind the shower curtain. 

Fuck. This is almost as bad as Ava’s jam. 

“Why does nothing make sense anymore?” You ask Joel running your own hands through your hair now. You could pull it out honestly. It’d probably feel better than the mental turmoil you’re in. You have to make a decision on who to trust and you have to make it soon. You’re going to lose something if you don’t. You can feel it. You think it’ll be that little girl sitting at that kitchen table doing her homework. She calls you mom. Joel lets her call you mom. 

“You’re confused and upset. So am I. I still love you though.” Joel says from behind the shower curtain. “Very much. I’m not forgetting about that even though I am fuckin’ pissed.” Joel does sound a lil mad. He’s also been in the shower longer than you’ve ever seen him be in the shower. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper. You do feel bad. Not trusting Joel seems so stupid now. He’s home. Wherever Joel is. “I am. Real sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever do it again. I mean it. I was an ass, but I’m workin’ on it. Don’t give me a reason to be an ass again.” Joel shuts the water off and opens the curtain.

You have to try so hard to keep your eyes on his face because this is a serious matter. “I won’t. I don’t even really wanna go back and work–”

“Yes you will. We don’t back down." Joel gets out of the shower and wraps his towel around his waist. "You’ll go work there and you’ll keep your legs closed, like a good girl. You’ll be apart of this community just like I am.” He stands in front of you, bending to be at your level again. “I’ll take care of Jacob Harris.”

You didn’t think he’d come up here. He was quiet at dinner and mostly kept the conversation held with Ellie. You guys played a quiet game of Sorry!, then Joel said he had a headache and was going to bed. You braided Ellie’s hair after her shower and laid in her bed with her for a while. Then you went to bed. You only woke up again when you heard your door opening. 

“I don't like you sleepin' up here,” Joel whispers crawling over you to press himself into the wall as tightly as he can. The room is dimly lit by the moon and stars. His eyes look so worried. "Don't like how different things are."

You’re pressed into him, stomach to stomach. Your hands are squished between the two of you. “Ellie says we look at each other differently.” You explain to him hushed so she can’t hear if she is awake, listening. Observing. She’s apparently really good at that.

“How’s she know?” Joel gives you a pinched brow look. You chuckle softly and let your hand rest on his side instead of being jammed between the two of you. 

“You’d be surprised at what that girl knows, Joel.” His eyes look across your face as you speak, he watches your mouth move, looks into your eyes. 

“She the one who told you about Ava?” He whispers and rolls his eyes. 

“Don’t be mad at her. She’s all fuckin’ confused. She’s going through it right now. I asked. I shouldn’t have done that. I feel bad but I was desperate for answers.” You whisper back to him honestly.

Joel’s brows unpinch and his eyes soften. His arm wraps around your waist gently, he pulls you closer to him than you thought possible. “M’sorry. I really am. I should have told you about Ava, I really should have. I just didn’t see the point in getting you all worked up over someone I didn’t even care about.” Joel sighs and rests his forehead against yours. “I really fell in love with you out there on the road. I really did. I mean it. I don’t ever want to hurt you. I made a lot of really stupid decisions this last week. Real stupid. From fucking you high and lying to you about it, to not telling you about Ava. I fucked up. I don’t blame you for not trusting me.” He sounded sad. A little broken.

You still don’t trust him. Not fully. You feel like you might never trust anyone but Ellie ever again. 

“I don’t want to walk away from this. You’re giving me everything I ever wanted.” Which was true. You got the house and the fence and the kid. You just need a dog and a cat and things will be perfect. “I’m scared. So fucking scared because I don’t know what to believe.” Your eyes start to water. “I’ve never not trusted what was said to me. My dad never gave me a reason to not trust him. I was alone most of my life with just him.” You do start crying now because you realize how naive you really are. “This is the first time I’m in love. And it's with someone I don’t trust and that scares me.” You see the tears start to pool in Joel’s eyes now too. “Love doesn’t just go away when trust disappears.” 

“I hate myself for that.” Joel sighs softly. “I swear nothin’ happened between me and her after we got back. If I wasn’t up at the medical center with you, working on the house, or with Ellie trying to get her situated– I was asleep. Maybe with Tommy. She’d bring jam over and ask for her jars back, Bird.” Joel is pleading. In his tone and his eyes. “If I was ever over there it was just to give them back.”

“But everyone in town knows you guys used to be a thing?” You ask quietly.

Joel pinches his brows again and pulls his forehead away from yours. 

“Nobody should know about that.” Joel shakes his head softly and you can see the gears turning in his head. “She might’a told some people but I didn’t fuckin’ talk about her. We weren’t a thing. We fucked. That’s it.”

Even though you appreciate his honesty, the words make you want to throw up. We fucked. An admission. It makes your stomach do several flips. 

“It’s what Jacob said. Said I should have known because the whole town–” You start but Joel groans softly. 

“Jacob knows I used to fuck Ava because I told him. Fuck! I used to talk about it on patrols and hunts back before he left for Oregon. It was just guy talk– we all did it. Fuck.” Joel grimaces, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“What would you tell them?” You ask nervously. You don’t really want to know, but it would answer some unasked questions you have. 

“Shit, probably the worst of it. None of us talked nice. We all talked like guys. You know how I talk to you in the bedroom? Probably like that? I dunno, why?” Joel looks at you confused, hoping you don’t push for more examples.

“Just the way he talked.” You say softly. You repeat the whole story that Jacob told you on his porch last night. 

“Jesus.” Joel sounds ashamed. "I just wanted him to know how serious we were. I wanted him to leave you alone. Never called you a baby factory..." 

“I hear the truth in your voice. I do. I want to believe you so badly. You’re such a good Dad. It’s so hot. You have taken very good care of me in the short time that I’ve known you. You kept me alive when you could have left me for dead in that hospital. You could have just left me when I asked you to and just gotten Ellie out of there.” You sob softly and Joel holds you close, his fingertips pressing into your skin as you speak. “You kept me alive. Ran through the woods for me. You’re so fucking hot. Fuck, you’re so hot .” You wipe the tears from your eyes and Joel chuckles softly. 

“I love you. More than you’ll ever know. I never thought I’d want another kid. Not of my own. I’ve met a lot of women over the years. None of ‘em made me want a family like you do. None of ’em. I know we’re not doin’ that anymore. But I do want one. Badly. With you.” Joel presses against your forehead with gentleness. “Bird, do you want me to stay here or you want me to go down stairs?” He whispers, giving the tip of your nose a kiss. 

“Stay. Don’t go.” You whisper against his chin gently.

He nods and relaxes his body the best he can. You try but you’re hanging on for dear life. He’s almost pushing you off the bed but you don’t care. Something about the way he spoke to you is comforting. Comforting enough to close your eyes and try to go back to sleep. You know you have to see Jacob tomorrow and that makes you nervous. You thought you could trust him but he makes up lies? Makes them up out of thin air? At least Joel was trying to protect your peace. 

You think. You hope. 

Joel wakes you up softly the next morning with gentle kisses on the side of your face. They’re so soft. Softer than you ever thought Joel could be with you. 

“Gotta wake up. We gotta work. Walk the girl to school as a family .” He whispers against your cheek. “Let’s go. I’ll piggy back you down the stairs.” He smirks as he crawls over you. You climb onto his back and run into Ellie in the little hallway at the top of the stairs. She beams when she sees you two come out of the room together. 

“Hurry up and get ready. I’ll make us breakfast sandwiches.” You call to her as Joel carries you downstairs. 

“I’m workin’ on a new bed. I promise. Might be a couple more days, but I’ll get us one.” Joel explains as he pulls on his dirty work jeans. “We won’t have to look at that thing soon.” He nods towards the bed you two are standing next to. You’re upset because it was a comfortable bed. But you’ll keep your word about it. Never sleeping it in again. 

“You don’t want to just keep sleeping upstairs? In the twin?” You smirk, pulling a long-sleeve shirt over your head. Joel glares at you softly, it makes you chuckle as you pull on your own jeans. 

“My back is fuckin’ screamin’ at me, Bird. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do another night on that thing. Fuck.” Joel stretches, the flannel he’s about to put on is in his hand as he arches his back dramatically. “I’ll sleep on the floor or something.” Joel smiles at you. “I don’t like not sleeping next to you.” 

“I’ll sleep on the floor with you.” You smile back at him and take a step into his open arms. “I’m glad we talked.” 

“Me too. I really dunno what I would have done if you didn’t want me to stay last night. I was s’desperate to be close to you.” He’s whispering in your ear. You know it. He almost cried last night. 

You make breakfast for everyone. You all eat together as a family. Ellie is sweet and talkative this morning. 

“ Dad , do you think once the bowling alley is done, we could all go and you could teach me?” Ellie asks with her big brown eyes locked on to Joel’s. Your eyes flash to his face but he has no reaction. 

“Sure thing, Bug. It’s gonna be a while. Mom wants me and Uncle Tommy to work on expanding the greenhouse first. More veggies for you to eat.” Joel flicks his eyebrows up at her and she smirks. Joel sips his coffee and takes another bite of the egg sandwich. You’re blinking. What is going on? Why is he not jumping up and down for joy? 

You and Ellie walk hand in hand again to school and Joel follows directly behind you guys. Ava is outside getting all the kids through the door when you drop her off. 

“Hey. Good choices, like always.” You kiss Ellie’s forehead. “I love you so much. I’ll see you after school. We can do something fun. I don’t know what but we’ll find something.” You kiss her forehead again. You step back and let Joel give her a pep talk. It’s short and sweet.

“Don’t get into trouble. Love you.” A kiss on the top of her head and he’s pushing her by one shoulder into the school yard. Joel wraps his arm around your shoulder and kisses the top of your head softly. Ava catches your eye and you wave to her and smile warmly as Joel holds his lips to the top of your head. You can feel him breathing you in. She smiles softly, waves and averts her gaze. 

Yeah Ava, go deepest with that, why don’t you?

She turns her back to the two of you like it pains her to see him touching you. Good. You hope it kills her. Joel laces his fingers with yours as you walk to the market together. Your stomach is in knots. You do not want to see Jacob. Not now. Not again, ever. Honestly, you’re glad it happened. It makes you have a little clarity. 

Not really. It confused the shit out of you. Fuck. You don’t like that Joel lied. You don’t like it one bit but he seems to be doing everything he can to keep you around. It’s not like you’re the last woman on earth! Joel could easily find someone else if he wanted to. But he doesn’t want to. Nope. He could have ran right back to Ava when you went on your walk. The way Joel makes it seem Ava would have done anything to get him back in her house. You’re gonna punch Ava. You’ve decided. You’re gonna hit her. Just like you punched Marlene. Punched her right in the fucking mouth and knocked one of her teeth out.

You wonder what tooth Ava likes the most. You’re knocking that one out first. 

Jacob is inside with Connie when you and Joel walk past the big window out front. Joel pulls you to the side of the building, out of their view and kisses you softly. His hands cup and hold your face so gently. Joel presses his lips to yours for so long. He really does smell like home. He smells like your home. Your forever home. 

“I love you, Birdie. So much.” He whispers softly against your lips. “Please don’t forget that. How much I love you, What I would do for you. What I wouldn’t do to keep you safe and close to me.” Joel sounds like he could cry. He’s got you pressed against the brick building so tightly. 

“Did you two not do enough of that this morning? Joel, get off the girl before you put another hole in her leg with that thing.” Tommy says as he rounds the corner. Joel doesn’t move. He stays pressed against you, eyes locked onto yours. 

“I love you.” He kisses you again gently and finally pulls himself away from you. “I’ll walk home with you today if you wait for me.” Joel calls out as he starts to follow Tommy around back towards the greenhouse.

Jacob says not one single thing to you the entire day. You and Connie chat a lot. She talks so damn fast. It makes you dizzy how she bounces from one subject to the other. Jacob must be done for the day. You don’t see him after he walks outside with his jacket on.

“He’s been such an ass all day. He was fine this morning when we got here.” Connie says absentmindedly. Hm. Interesting. “So, how did you meet Joel?” Connie asks, resting her elbows on the counter. 

“I was out hunting one day and we just bumped into each other. Literally. We just hit it off after that.” Connie smiles at you while you speak. 

“It’s nice he found someone. He always seemed so lonely last time he was here. I only ever saw him with Tommy. I know Ava used to have a big thing for him. She was real broke up when he left.” She’s speaking so fast and you wish she would just slow down a little bit. Just a teeny bit. 

“Ava?” You cock your head to the side like you might be hearing this for the first time. Just a little lie, Connie doesn’t need to know that you already know about it. She nods and gives you a sympathetic smile but it doesn’t last long. She has her hand on your arm and is squeezing gently. 

“Not like you have anything to worry about, God no. Joel is obsessed with you. Like…obsessed. I’ve never heard a man talk about a woman so much in my life. And it’s always so nice. I felt like I knew and liked you before you even woke up.” She smiles and keeps her hand on your arm, squeezing. 

“How did you know that Ava had a thing then?” You give her a pinched, squinting look and she laughs and slaps your arm gently. 

“Cause she’d follow him around everywhere. Always offerin’ him that nasty fuckin’ jam she makes—”

“I hate her jam too. So much.” You smile and start laughing. Connie does too. 

“It’s not even sweet. It tastes like shit.” Connie sticks her tongue out and gags. It makes you laugh harder. 

“So…Joel didn’t… like Ava or anything?” You ask as nonchalantly as you can. Connie shakes her head no and looks at you with distaste. 

“God no. We’d have big get togethers and she’d follow him around and try to stand next to him but he’d try all night to stay away from her.” Connie laughs while she’s talking like she’s remembering how stupid Ava must have looked. “She seemed real desperate. Must’a turned him off. She’s real pretty but…she was desperate. Now look’it you. Went an’ snatched him right up.” Connie smirks and looks at you through her lashes. “Lucky duck– nothing funny or anything, I ain’t like that— Joel is cute though. You must feel real lucky, specially with such slim pickin’s.” Connie sounds sad. You feel sad for her now too.

“I appreciate you telling me that. About Ava and Joel.” You smile at her and place your hand on top of hers. “I really do.” Connie smiles real wide and squeezes your arm again. 

“Oh of course! I don’t got many friends in the colony. Not many women our age. Couple. I’d be nice to have someone to talk to besides Jacob.” She sighs loudly and looks out the window. “Someone’s waitin’ for you.” She points over your shoulder. It’s Joel. You look at the clock on the wall and you should have left a half hour ago. You ended up waiting for Joel without even meaning to. You were going to, regardless but you made a friend in the process. 

“We’re closed on Wednesdays so you don’t have to come in tomorrow unless you wanna do some gardening.” Connie says as she pulls her hand from your arm. “Come garden whenever! We don’t mind it at all.” 

“Thanks, I might come with Joel and work on the flower beds.” You say, walking backwards towards the door. She clasps her hands together tightly. 

“That would be amazing!” She cheers as you walk out to meet Joel. 

“Gorgeous girl.” Joel wraps one arm around your waist. “Have a good day?” He looks down at you while you walk together. 

“I did. Did you?” You look back up at him and smile because his big brown eyes are the best. You love them. Even if you’re still a little hesitant. 

“I woke up next to my lady. Walked– Did you hear what she called me this morning? I almost fuckin’ forgot ‘cause I was so fuckin’ on edge about seeing that prick this morning. She called me Dad . Did you hear it?” Joel is gushing like you’ve never seen. He never gushes like this. “Called me Dad . Holy shit. Damn. It felt good. I liked it.” Joel is beaming. You’ve never seen him so happy. “You don’t mind that I cal–”

“She called me Mom the other day after worship.” You whisper as he stops you in the middle of the sidewalk, wrapping his arms under yours, you place your hands on his chest. He gives you a confused look. It’s been two days since worship and she’s called him Joel plenty since then. “She was nervous to call you Dad. Thought it might upset you, ‘cause of Sarah.” You kiss him softly on the lips but he doesn’t kiss you back. He’s lost in thought. 

“You talked to her about this?” Joel asks finally after a minute. You nod and he releases you, taking your hand again. “You told her to call me Dad?” He’s confused. You shake your head no and chuckle. “I asked why she didn’t. Asked for my advice– did she not talk to you first?” You ask Joel looking up at him. He shakes his head no. “Didn’t take my advice. But yeah, she wanted to. Just didn’t wanna bum you out.” 

“Bum me out? I love her so much. I love that she calls me that. Holy shit. I’ve been buzzin’ about it all day, Bird. All day.” He squeezes your hand gently. “That and getting to sleep next to you tonight.” 

This is what you want. With Joel and Ellie. All of this feels so right and so good. It almost pushes all the distrust right out of your brain but then you walk past Ava’s house. 

“I hope she chokes on her shitty bread.” You say out loud. Joel laughs loudly and pulls you into his chest 

“Christ. We gotta real bad Bird here. Jesus .” He continues to laugh and holds your head against his chest as you walk up the driveway to your own house. “That’s terrible , Bird.” He’s still chuckling. “You need a spankin’ f’that.” He whispers into your ear as you open the door. Ellie is at the table doing her homework. She smiles bigger than she did this morning when you come in the door all over each other. Joel’s kissing the side of your face, his hands on your hips.

“Hi, Squeak. Did you have a good day?” You and Joel both walk to Ellie at the same time. Joel stands on one side of her, you stand on the other. Without having talked about it first, you and Joel give her a kiss on the side of the head and hug her tight. You press your forehead into her temple gently. “Love you, kid.” You whisper into her ear. Joel whispers something in her other ear but you don’t hear what he says. 

It’s later. After dinner and you and Ellie are in her bed. She’s looking at you but you’re on your back, looking at the ceiling. When she talks, she whispers. 

“You’re not going to leave?” She sounds like she could start crying. You turn your head to look at her and shake your head no silently. “You’re not mad at him?” You keep shaing your head no. “You’re not mad at me?” She does start crying now and she curls her knees up into her stomach. 

“Squeak, no. I’m not mad at you at all. Neither one of us is.” You whisper, wrapping her up in your arms. “You did the right thing telling me. Not lying. Joel and I needed to have a talk. You were right, things have felt weird. Different.” She opens her eyes to look up at you, but she’s still weeping softly. “We needed to talk. And you helped us do that– you shouldn’t have had to. Not one single bit.” You press your cheek to her forehead. “It’s really fucked up that you got dragged into this.” It is, it’s super fucked up that you asked her anything about Joel. At all. You know it. But you were desperate. So desperate for some kind of truth. It made Joel give it to you. It’s still fucked up. 

“I thought you were going to leave us.” Ellie sobs softly. 

“Ellie, look’it me.” You pull your head away from hers and hold her chin in your hand. “There is not a single thing in this world that could keep me away from you. Not one single thing.” You whisper it to you, staring into her eyes so she knows you’re serious. “I would wage war on anything that tried to keep me from you, do you understand that? I will never leave. Ever.” You’re doing everything in your power to make her understand how much you actually mean that. 

“Promise?” Ellie still has tears in her eyes but she has stopped weeping. You nod.

“Keeping you safe and happy is my biggest priority. Will be until the day I die, Squeak.” You whisper softly. 

You hold Ellie like that until she falls asleep and then you sneak out of her room. She isn’t going to want you to do that forever so you’ll do it for as long as she’ll allow it. Joel is in the room across the hall on the floor. Every single blanket in the house is underneath him. 

“She asleep? Sounded like she was cryin’ in there. She okay?” Joel asks as you crawl into the blankets next to him. It feels like when you were on the road. 

“Yeah. She was just a little stressed. Thought I was going to leave.” You run your hands through your hair as you sit cross legged next to him. “Do you wanna smoke, like a tiny little bit?” You can barely get the words out before Joel is up off the floor and running downstairs. He’s so fucking cute. When he returns he shuts the door and opens the window next to the bed. He pats the seat beside him. 

“You made her feel better?” Joel asks about Ellie once the joint is lit and passed between the two of you once. You nod and watch him smoke. “Good. I like that you make her feel safe. Make me feel safe knowin’ she has you.” Joel passes you the joint again.

“I love her.” You look at Joel as you smoke. “I didn’t think I’d ever love a kid that didn’t come out of me so much before.” You mean what you say because you didn’t think this kind of love for someone was possible if you didn’t actually birth them. 

“I know what you mean.” Joel has something to compare his love for Ellie to. You don’t.

Not yet at least.

“I fucking love you.” Joel is on his hands and knees and you’re kneeling beside him, with an old electrical cord in your hand. 

“You sure do. Have you been a bad boy?” You ask mockingly, taking a fistful of his hair in your hand. He nods. “Say it. Use your words.” You spank him softly with the tips of your fingers. He jumps at your touch. 

“I have been real bad.” Joel sniggers as you caress his bare ass with the curve of the electrical cord. You have the cut end and the plug in your hand and it leaves a perfect teardrop shaped whip in your hand. “So bad.” Joel is loving this. 

“And you should be punished for what you did, yeah?” You drag the cord up his naked asscheek now and you see goosebumps rise on his flesh. It’s not even cold in here! Joel!

Freaky-freak. 

“Oh yeah. I need a real good whippin’.” Joel sounds too excited for this. You dislike it now. He should be nervous. You bring the cord back and bring it down quickly onto his bare ass. He lets out a sound between a groan and a giggle softly. It wasn’t hard enough to hurt that bad, but he definitely felt it. Knows what’s coming. You grip his hair tighter, pushing his head forward. 

“Is something funny?” You bring the whip down harder on his bare flesh. This pulls a sound out of him, that’s for sure. Sounds like a small whimpered hum. “Hmmm? Still funny?” You whisper softly, leaning down to kiss the side of his face gently. Joel just hums softly, dropping his head but you pull him back up by the hair. “Use your words, baby.” 

“Nothin’s funny.” Joel’s so throaty when he says it, it makes you ache between your legs. 

“Call me Ma’am.” You caress him with the electrical cord again and he shivers. 

“Nothin’s funny, Ma’am.” He growls up to you softly. He likes this. 

“Ask me for another.” Your grip in his hair tighter, you throttle him softly, pushing his head forward and then pulling it back towards you gently. “Beg me for it.” Joel sighs softly and you can feel him chuckle, even though you don’t hear him. It makes you smirk too because you’ve definitely never done this before. Never ever this. You’re basically just copying everything Joel has ever said to you. “I said fucking beg me, are you fucking deaf? Stupid? Which is it?” You bring the whip down hard on his ass again. Joel pulls his hips away from you, but you pull his head back and lead him to where you want him. “Deaf or stupid?” You ask softly, tapping his now slightly red behind with the cord softly. Over and over again. 

“Stupid, Ma’am.” Joel snickers out. You can’t help but let out a little giggle either. It’s fun. “And I would love another. You can do it harder, Ma’am. I can take it.” Joel sounds eager so you give him what he wants, but you tease him first and drag the loop of the cord up the back of his thighs. This makes Joel sigh softly in anticipation. 

“Say thank you when I’m done.” That one was all you. Joel’s never told you to say thank you. You raise the cord over your head and hold it there. You can see Joel tense for it. His muscles contracting under the pale skin of his bare ass. You smirk and have to bite your lips between your teeth to keep from laughing. It’s too cute. You wait until he’s not tense anymore, he tries to look back at you but you push his head forward at the same time as you bring the loop down on his unsuspecting flesh. You had been spanking him across his whole ass. Now you focus it on the cheek closest to you. It��s the hardest you’ve hit him tonight. Joel doesn’t even flinch.

“Thank you Ma’am.” Joel hisses through clenched teeth. Then he’s up. You don’t even realize what’s happening until his hands are on your waist. “You like spankin’ me? I think you liked it too much.” He’s tickling you. Really tickling you. 

“Joel. No. Stop. Joel, I– St– Jo–” It’s too much. He’s moving his hands too fast for you to grab on to them and try to push them away. Not like it would do anything, he’s so strong. You’re not weak. Not at all. But Joel could overpower you so quickly if he really wanted to. It doesn’t scare you the way it would have when you had just gotten home from the hospital. 

“What? Ya can handle a couple whips across the ass but can’t handle a couple tickles? Are you a wuss or somethin’?” Joel teases you as he lifts you easily, his hands around your waist and quite literally body slams you on the tiny twin bed. You bounce gently and he’s between your legs, looking down at you. His hands on your knees as he knees in front of you.

“What? You gonna keep tickling me?” You stick your tongue out at him but he just shakes his head no softly and you watch as his eyes scan your face. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” You ask, you can feel yourself sinking into the mattress insecurely. His smile is gone, his eyes are so intense. 

“Just thinkin’ about how lucky I got. So many times.” Joel leans down, presses his lips to the spot right below your right eye. He continues to speak, but it’s whispered against your cheeks and the bridge of your nose between kisses. “Lucky I met you. Lucky you said yes to comin’ with me. Lucky you kept wantin’ to sleep with me on the road. Lucky you survived. Lucky Ellie loves you. Lucky you’re still here. I don’t know what I did.” Joel kisses the same spot but under your left eye. His beard tickles your cheek softly when he does it. “I can be a mean bastard. Lucky you still want to be with me. You put up with me. Patient with me.” Joel’s back to memorizing your features. 

Joel had done that already– memorized your face– sometimes when you slept while you were on the road but mostly when you didn’t even know he was looking at you. He does it all the time. Loves to look at you. Loves to see the way your face lights up when you smile, talking to Ellie. Loves when you furrow your brows when you get upset. The small, soft lines around your face when you frown. Joel loves every inch of you.

“I love you.” You whisper up to him. 

“I love you, too.” Joel kisses the corner of each of your eyes. “I’m sorry for making you cry. I hate that I was ever the cause of your tears. Stress. I can’t stop thinkin’ about it. ‘Bout what you said,” Joel whispers, he lays down beside you. He’s talking so much. You have so much you want to say but you want to see where this is going to go, unprompted. “Loving me but not trusting me. That bothers me . I want you to be able to trust me.” Joel kisses your lips now, quickly but gentle. “I told you that I am not good at this. So I might need your help, tellin’ me what I can do. Keep talkin’ to me. That helps me. I can’t figure you out if you don’t tell me what’s goin’ on in your head, Bird.”

“You better never, ever fucking lie to me ever again.” You stare at him, gaze unwavering. “And you should think real hard right now if there was anything else you forgot to tell me or kept from me to keep me from being upset. If it happened, it happened. I get the choice on how I react to the truth. You don’t get to decide if or what I should know. I tell you everything, you tell me everything.” You nod at him. He sighs and nods. 

“If we’re bein’ honest…Ava had… some feelings for me. She wanted to be a thing. I didn’t. She wanted to come to Salt Lake. I said no. The next time I was with you I asked you to come. I had been thinkin’ about it since you told me you weren’t with the colony.” Joel rubs his hand across your stomach and circles your belly button with his index finger. “Ava and I haven’t talked ‘bout nothin’ besides you, Ellie, school and jam. I promise. We didn’t even talk about what happened before I left. It’s old news. She knows your my–”

“Don’t be so gullible .” You roll your eyes at him. “You’re either gullible or lying to me again. She knows I’m your old lady. It’s not old though. Not to her. You left her broken-hearted and show up two months later with an ol’lady? She’s pissed. ” Joel waves his hand at you like you are crazy. “Hey– a woman doesn’t touch a man she doesn’t want to sleep with. She had her hand alllll over your arm at worship. I left so quickly because I was gonna bite each one of her fingers off and then spit them back at her, the way you showed me.” You point at him. He laughs, a real belly laugh, and shakes his head at you. 

“Bird!” Joel sounds like he can’t believe you’d say something like that. 

“Don’t Bird me. You said you’d kill someone for touching me. It goes both ways.” You’re serious. More serious than you thought you’d be if and when you ever said that to him. But you’re so serious. It scares you a little. 

“Oh?” Joel looks at you with raised eyebrows and tilts his head to the side. “Big Bad Bird gonna do whatever it takes to protect her family?” Joel sounds slightly teasing in his tone. You don’t like this because you’ve already given almost all your blood you had inside you…to protect this family before they were even really your family. You press your index finger against his chin and tilt his head so he’s looking right at you. 

“This is the first time in my life I have something to protect that isn’t a crotchety old man on the verge of dying. You or my dad. I love that girl with everything that is inside of me. You hurt me–” You pause because you didn’t really think this through. You just started talking. “I’d take her—” Joel tries to protest but you cover your hand over his mouth and press into him. “I mean it. I’d take her. She doesn’t need to be raised by a man who doesn’t respect women or treat them right.” Joel’s eyes scan your face as you’re speaking. “If you hurt me again… I’ll kill you.” You’re staring at him. “And if Ava’s the one you hurt me with… I’ll kill her too.” Joel doesn’t react. He doesn’t say anything. He stares at you for a moment taking in your very serious words, then he nods. Silently. “Good boy.” You remove your hand and kiss his lips softly. “I love you.”

Now Joel is the one who looks scared! Good! He should be scared because holy shit, you’re scared too! Where the fuck did that come from!? One minute you were spanking your boyfriend, the next minute you’re threatening him with the loss of his life and his past lover… so. That went exponentially well. If we’re being honest. You know. Spanking. Lil murder talk for some flavor. Now Joel should be rock hard, ready to go. 

“I love you too.” Joel whispers, his eyes still scanning your face. “You’re so fucking hot.” Joel chuckles after a minute. “I don’t ever wanna hurt you, Bird. Ever.” He’s smiling and wrapping his arms around you. “Let’s go to bed. We got work to do in the morning. Walking our daughter to school. I like that.” He nuzzles into your neck and kisses under your jaw. You tilt your head up to give him easier access to your skin. His lips and facial hair feel so good. So good. 

You know what happens next. 

The next morning, you fly through your morning routine. You’re going to the greenhouse today to garden. Mostly to watch Joel work. You don’t ever get to watch him in action. You’re actually more excited to see him do what he’s best at than to do anything in those flower beds. 

Ellie’s waiting at the front door for you with her hand outstretched. You place your hand in hers, Joel takes his place behind you and you make your way to drop Ellie off. She swings your arm back and forth with hers as you walk. It makes you smile. You look at the braids she let you put in her hair this morning after her shower. 

“Miss. Ava needs to talk to you guys. They’re doing parent teacher conferences.” Ellie explains as you round the corner to the school.

“I got work, Bug.” Joel says from behind you two. Ellie turns around, shakes her head no and gives him annoyed eyes like he should know that they aren’t going to conference this morning. 

“She just needs to tell you when they are. All the kids' parents go in on different days.” She rolls her eyes like she’s fed up with him. It's seven am. She’s been around him for maybe a half hour. You love Ellie so much. 

“Yea, c’mon, Joel. Get with the picture. Jesus .” You snap back at him, rolling your eyes like Ellie. He gives your ass a soft smack. 

“Gross.” Ellie. “I liked it better when you two just finger fucke–”

“Ellie! It’s not called that. That’s not what wanting to hold hands means.” You put your free hand over her mouth. “It’s just wanting to hold hands.” You and Joel are inconsolable with laughter.

“Then what does finger fucking mean?” Ellie asks, it’s muffled because your hand is still over her mouth and she’s twisting her head trying to get free. 

“Don’t worry about it. Just don’t call it that anymore, Nerd.” Joel sighs, wiping the laughing tears from his eyes. You guys enter the schoolyard and Miss. Fucking Ava comes running over in her cute cardigan and her long skirt. You hope she trips on it. 

“Joel… Birdie.” She smiles at the both of you. You smile back just as nice. It’s dripping off the corners of your mouth. The niceness. “We’re doing parent teacher conferences this month. Do you guys think you could come in toni–” You don’t even let her finish the sentence. 

“Yes! I’ll be here tonight.” You smile even harder now because Joel does patrol on Wednesday’s so he will be sleeping after he gets home from work to prepare for his overnight patrol shift. He will not be able to come. 

“I gotta patr–” Joel tries to interject but you snap your head up to look at him. 

“You are so busy. All the time, like monday and wednesday and then you work.” You put one hand on his chest and look back at Ava. “I’ll be back here tonight.” You keep smiling at her, eyes slightly squinted. “I’m so excited.” Ava seems a little… disappointed. “Can’t wait.” You have to keep talking because she’s just the worst and you’d tell her if there weren’t thirteen teenagers and a handful of little kids all around. You would. Tell her right with your fist. 

“I’ll see you guys around. Have a good rest of your day.” Miss. Ava smiles. You catch her looking at Joel a little too long. Her eyes linger on his arm around your shoulder. You snake your arm around his waist and stare at her, smiling. She nods at the both of you.

“Thanks, Ava. We’ll see you around.” Joel smiles politely. 

“So…you’re going to do this thing by yourself?” Joel asks, putting his hand in the back pocket of your jeans as you turn to walk away from the school. You hope Ava is still watching.

“Yep. Sure am. I am fully capable of relaying everything she tells me to you.” You avoid his eyes because he’ll know what you’re up to, if he doesn’t already. 

“That'll be all you’re gonna talk about, right? Ellie and school? “Cause that’s what you’re going there for. Don’t forget that. Issues you have with her shouldn’t be gettin' brought up. You wanna talk to her about anything that happened between us, I won’t stop you. But you won’t do it at Ellie’s school.” Joel sounds serious. He’s being a good Dad. 

Sonofabitch. 

He’s right. If you’re gonna lay Ava the fuck out it can’t be at Ellie’s school. It also doesn’t make sense to do it after the fact. You will wait to punch Ava until she does something stupid. It doesn’t seem like it will take her long.

“I know. I’m just trying to be an active parent. A good Mom. You know. Things good moms do.” You’re rambling and maybe lying a little.. Trying to stay talking about nothing until you get to the greenhouse so that you can further avoid him and his curious eyes. You did just tell him last night you would kill him. And Ava. So, he is probably a little concerned. But it’s not going to come to that! No! Because you trust Joel. You don’t think anything has happened since you got back from the hospital. You can feel it in your bones, you think. That or you’re willing it to be true; you don’t want to kill Joel. Not at all.

You would kill Ava though. 

Not for fucking Joel before. No. That was Joel. All him. But you came back. You were laid up in that hospital bed for almost six weeks. Joel was running all around town telling everyone how excited he was to bring you home. Connie is proof of that. Ava still came around with her ass jam and her bricks of bread. Still touched on your Joel . Right in front of you. 

Jacob Harris might have been your only boyfriend over twenty years ago. But you fought Ashley Benson in the hallway one day when you found out she invited him to her house after a football game once. Ashley Benson had to have her nose job redone when you were finished with her. You’ll fight Ava for the man you want to be your husband one day. You sure will. It might not be at Ellie’s school, but it’ll happen if Ava ever sniffs around Joel funny ever again. 

The market is locked up but the greenhouse has an entrance from the back, Joel follows you inside after saying good morning to Tommy. 

“I really don’t mind if you have something you wanna say to Ava. I’m sayin’ something to Jacob next time I see him. Don’t do it at school.” Joel warns with a pointed index finger. “I mean it.” Joel presses his lips to yours. You kiss him back gently. “I love you. Come talk to me when you get bored.” 

Then he walks away with his perfect ass that you got to spank last night for the first time and you know he’s still got a nice teardrop shaped welt on his left butt cheek from it. Sonofabitch. You love him. You wonder what he’s got to say to Jacob– Jackie. It feels gross calling him Jackie now. It’s not Jackie he’s Jacob. You don’t know him like you thought you did, so now he’s Jacob Harris the stranger. 

You do a little work around the greenhouse. Tidy. Clean up the garden beds and weed them as much as you can. Water what looks like it needs it. Nothing needs to be harvested, just pruned. You enjoy this. It was something you did with your grandma before the outbreak. She had a huge flower garden in her backyard. You’d spend most of your summers with her in Chesapeake Bay. You miss her more than anyone else. 

“What’re you day dreamin’ about, Birdie?” Joel’s voice pulls you away from the sandy beach and salty misty memories and back into the greenhouse.

“A beach.” You sigh and look up at Joel. He towers over you. “With you and Ellie.” You smile up at him and wipe your hands on your jeans. 

“Oooh. A beach vacation?” Joel extends a hand to help you up. 

“If it wouldn’t take us three months to get there- put our lives and limbs at risk, and then also three months to get back, I’d say let's leave right now.” You do let out a small groan when you get up.

Your leg hurts. Still. You’ve only been out of the hospital now for almost three weeks? You don’t remember. That first week was so damn blurry because of the weed. Leg hurts. Doctor says it’ll probably hurt for a couple months while the muscle tries to fully heal. Keeping active and working it out will help. You’re trying to do those things, but you ache. It hurts. 

“You going back to the school? Ellie should be home already.” Joel kisses your forehead as you stand. 

“Did the whole day go by? I was going to go home and change first. Shit.” You had gotten all wrapped up in your memories of ice cream on the beach with your grandma. Shit. Now you have to go back to the school looking like you gardened all day. While Miss. Ava sits in her cute sweater and skirt. So fancy. Fuck off, Ava.

“You’re fine. Stink a lil.” Joel shrugs his shoulders and you give him a whack on the chest softly. “I’m kiddin’. Go. I have to go home and fuckin’ nap. I gotta sleep in the big bed. The floor, the twin. Fuckin’ killin’ me, Bird.” Joel does have his hand on his lower back like he is in pain. 

“Sleep in your disgusting shame, dirty talkin’ sex bed then. I don’t care. I’m not sleepin’ in it though.” You cross your arms over your chest and turn your nose up to him. Joel chuckles at you. 

“Hey.” Joel tries to get your attention but you don’t look at him. “Psst. Bird.” Joel does it again and you look at him out of the corner of your eye. “She wasn’t as fun as—”

“I don’t want to hear it!” You whack his chest now with the back of your hand. “Ugh. Stop! I gotta go look at the woman.” You roll your eyes. Joel’s laughing like he’s so funny. 

“She wasn’t!” 

“I’ll punch you in the dick so fucking hard all thoughts of a family are off the table.” You growl. It’s a little funny but he’s getting to much enjoyment from the redness forming behind your cheeks. Joel covers his groin with one hand and takes a step back. 

“I mean it. Why do you think I asked–” He’s still laughing, still thinking this is hilarious. You grab a pile of dead flowers and leaves next to you and toss it at him. They go everywhere and land in his hair, on his shoulders. 

“I’m biting it. Next time you try and go deepest or whatever you did–”

“Deep-throat? Face fuck? What do you mean when you say going deepest? I’ve never heard that.” Joel has tears in his eyes. 

Deepthroating! That makes so much more sense. Okay. Did Joel come up with that? Incredible. 

“Is that what you did that one time? Fucked my face deep-throat style? You ask seriously.

This almost puts Joel’s nearly six foot frame on the ground. He’s leaning against one of the raised garden beds. The tears are rolling down his cheeks. He’s trying to talk but words won’t come out of him. You don’t know why it’s so funny. You don’t find it as funny as Joel does. 

“I’m goin’ t’pass out.” Joel wheezes. You tap your foot in annoyance and cross your arms over your chest. You are trying not to smile because his laugh and smile is infectious. “D-Deepthroat s-style.” He’s coughing now. Apparently, laughing so hard it made him choke.

You’re not going to help him. You don’t even offer a comforting pat on the back. “Are you almost done? I have to go talk to your old girlfriend.” You ask dully.

This does end the laughter. The coughing continues but Joel tries to talk through it. 

“Not— my girlfr— friend.” Joel is coughing , coughing.

Good.

You hope he coughs so hard he throws up. Like you almost did getting deep-throated.

“That makes it…not better. Not even a little. So. I’m gonna go. Love you so much. Don’t choke to death.” You say taking backwards steps towards the door that leads outside. “Have a goodnight on patrol tonight. Try not to get locked up in that one jail cell we got for murdering Jacob Harris.” You joke.

Joel’s head snaps up to you and the coughing stops suddenly. What just happened. 

“Don’t say stuff like that, Bird.” Joel shakes his head no softly. “Don’t ever say that again, you understand me? Not as a joke or nothin’. Understood?” Joel clears his throat as he takes two large steps towards you and is pinning you against a wooden table in the greenhouse “I mean it. Don’t. Don’t put the idea in people’s heads. Don’t.” Joel whispers it to you gently. 

“Are you goin–” Joel puts a very soft, very carefully placed hand over your mouth. 

“Don’t ask questions. Don’t talk about this ever again. You understand me?” Joel is so serious. You nod silently. “You thought I was full of empty threats? I mean what I say, Bird."Joel removes his hand and kisses you softly on the lips. You never take your eyes off of him. "Do you?"

Um. Holy fucking shit. Not only are you terrified– there's basically a water-park in your panties. Something is wrong with you. You need to be evaluated by professionals because that would make a normal person run away in the middle of the night to never be seen or heard from again. Right? Like his ex-wife? But you’re drenched. It’s soaking the front of your panties right now and if Joel didn’t need a nap and you didn’t have to go talk to the desperate jam wench he used to fuck, you’d let him bend you over right here. 

“I love you. Come lay down with me when you get home if Ellie is being anti-social.” Joel kisses your lips softly and then he leaves again. With his cute butt and his sexy…worrisome words.

What does that mean? Do you? 

Does Joel have something to be worried about? Do you have to kill him? Are you going to find out terrible, horrible, gut wrenching news at this parent teacher conference? 

There has to be a word for what you’re going through right now You’re sure that if the outbreak never happened you would know what the word was. But you don’t. There’s a lot of words you don’t know. It makes you feel dumb sometimes but you’re not stupid. You might be. You are sleeping with someone who maybe just admitted to murder in the first degree. A murder that had been planned. The way he spoke made it seem like he had been thinking about this.

The school is empty and Ava is waiting at the entrance for you. She waves and smiles. You mirror her. 

“Hi! You were in the greenhouse today, I can tell!” She looks down at your dirty pants and you wonder if that’s enough reason to punch her but you don’t think it is. 

“Oh yeah. Making sure all the produce and flowers are taken care of. I love to garden so I ended up spending all day there with Joel while he and Tommy expanded the greenhouse for the market.” You very casually pepper in the fact that you were with Joel all day. 

“That’s awesome. I heard Connie talking about it at the bar the other night.” Ava explains as she leads you into the school. “It’s awesome that Joel and Tommy are doing that. Putting the bowling alley in hold and everything.” She looks down at you since she is taller than you, and smirks, “Must’a worked your magic to get that done quicker, huh?” 

You wanna tell her you slobbered all over Joel’s monster dick to get him to come do that for you but you didn't. You just asked nicely and then fought about the woman next to you. So you don’t say that. 

“Oh yeah. Batted the eyelashes, turned on the puppy dog eyes. The man cannot resist.” That was even better. Ava says nothing as she turns into the classroom she teaches out of. 

“Let’s talk about Ellie.” She smiles as she sits behind her desk. There isn’t even a chair for you. You have to sit at a students desk like one of her pupils. You do it, even though you don’t like it. You wonder if other parents had to sit at desks. You look around the room and there are actual chairs to sit in. For adults. With no desk attached to them.

“You lead the way.” You smile nicely, waiting for her to say something about Ellie. “She turns all her homework in and everything?” You ask, waiting for her to say something while she flips through papers on her desk. Ava’s head flicks up at you. 

“Oh yeah. Ellie is one of my best students. Her homework is always done. She asks questions, participates without having to be asked. She is a gem.” Ava explains as she pulls a piece of paper from the rest of the stack. “I’m just a little concerned about her.” Ava hands you the piece of paper. “I’m honestly glad it’s just you. Joel might not understand.” 

The paper in front of you is a poem.

Weight on chest, salty waters in eye. Drowning. Sleeping. Sick feeling inside.  His voice. Your voice. Tangled in one.  Flesh ripping. Soul searing.  Hurting ones I love. 

You have to read it three times. Ellie’s name is written up at the top. 

“We did a poetry lesson last week and this is what she turned in. She got an A. It’s beautiful. Made me cry. But, she’s almost fifteen and I know you and Joel haven’t been with her for long. I just wonder what she went through before–” 

“She dealt with some stuff on our way to Salt Lake. I’ve talked to her about it. I’ll keep talking to her, make sure it’s not eating her up too bad.” You read the poem again. “Can I keep this? I’d like to keep it, if that’s okay.” Ava nods and you fold it twice and put it in your pocket. “How else is she? Good in class? Doesn’t get into trouble?” 

“Well… I do have to talk to her and Dina everyday. No matter how far I sit them apart from each other, they find a way to talk and chit chat. Pass notes.” Ava gives you a knowing look. “It’s innocent but can be distracting. They both have good grades in my class but it causes the other kids to struggle sometimes.” 

“I’ll be talking to her about that.” You nod your head and rest your elbows on the desk. “Dina a good kid? Anything I should be worried about?” You ask curiously because you don’t know Dina at all. Haven’t met her parents or caretakers at all.

“Oh no. Dina is a pleasure. Polite and very smart. She’s a very good kid. Someone you’d want Ellie to be friends with.” Ava is gushing about Dina. Which is nice but Dina might become more than Ellie’s friend…and now you’re sick. Oh shit. This never occurred to you before. At least Ellie is only fifteen— NO! No!! You remember what YOU were doing at fifteen and now you might actually be sick. Shit. 

“That’s amazing to hear. We love Dina in our house.” You say nervously because now you wonder what Ellie and Dina do when they hang out. Oh my God. Having a kid isn’t fun. Not at all. Stressed out. You’re so stressed out and wanting to throw up but you’re holding it back. 

“Yeah, she’s great.”

You meet with Ellie’s one other teacher. A much older woman who goes by Ms. Babs. She’s great. She said Ellie is her favorite and then only wanted to talk about Joel. 

“He’s so handsome. So nice too. Always so willing to help.” She’s walking you out of the school. You think if anyone besides Ms. Babs spoke of Joel in this fashion you’d be jealous but she’s very clearly in her eighties and you’re pretty sure that’s not Joel’s thing. So you don’t have anything to be worried about. “So handsome. His jeans fit just right. Wears them well.” She sounds like she might be from Jersey. The city maybe. She makes you laugh. “I’m at the bar almost every night if you ever want to come join me and Ava and Connie and the rest of us broads sometime. You seem like a nice girl. Joel’s lucky to have you. You’re all he talks about. You and Ellie.” 

“He sure is a good man. I’m lucky to have him.” She touches your back softly as you reach the entryway. “It was really nice to meet you. I’ll come by the bar sometime this week for drinks.” You smile. Ms. Babs seems like she could be a lot of fun, even in her eighties. You wonder how she lasted this fucking long but she seems to be in great shape. 

“Get home safe. Tell Ellie to practice her multiples! She struggles with that!” She calls to you as you limp out of the school yard. 

This wasn’t too bad. Ava is actually not a complete cunt. She seems to be a good teacher and likes Ellie. That’s nice. Anyone who is nice to Ellie is okay in your book. For the mos–

“Hey, Birdie. Mind if we walk home together?” It’s fucking Ava. 

“No. We are neighbors after all.” You wonder where all these nice words come from. They must be from your love for the teenage girl who lives in your house and eats all your bread. 

“Sure are. Nice having them two– and now you—back on the block.” Ava matches her pace to your slow limping one. It’s quiet because you don’t know what to say. You’ve lost the nice in you and now you wanna tell her to never look at Joel again. “Hey, I don’t know if Joel told you or not…” She trails off, like she’s thinking about really telling you. Your heart stops in your chest. 

“What?” You lie. She’s willing to tell you everything right now? Let’s hear it, bitch. 

“Me and Joel used to like… be a little thing, before he left for Salt Lake. I just don’t want you to hear it from someone else if Joel hadn’t already told you.” She sounds like she’s being genuine but you don’t know what to believe anymore. Ellie is the only person you’ll believe ever again. You act surprised though. You want more information than that and you wanna see how much she’s willing to give. 

“Oh really?” You try to sound as surprised as you can. Ava frowns and nods 

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I was hopin’ he told you. We haven’t talked about it at all. You know, he asked me to come with him to Salt Lake and I said no–”

“What?” You smirk now, and try and hold back a chuckle. This is false information. Your sweet daughter told you the truth.

“Did he not tell you that either? Yeah, he tried to get me to come with him, but I couldn’t. I had the kids and the school and everything.” She explains. You both have stopped walking now 

“Oh. Yeah, no he didn’t tell me that.” Your voice is quivering because you have anger and giggles and punches bubbling inside of you. 

“Yeah. He was real upset when I said no–”

“So, lemme ask you something now. Did you know about me before Salt Lake?” You cock your head to the side slightly. Ava pinches her brows together and she shakes her head like she’s confused. 

“No. Didn’t he meet you on the way there or something?” She asks curiously. You shake your head and smile at her with satisfaction because you’re about to drop two bombs on her right now and she has no idea. 

“No. We didn’t. We met maybe six months ago, shortly after he arrived in the colony. I lived in the woods, just outside the wall.” You smile and lean against the iron fence behind you that borders the school. “Joel’d trek his happy ass through the woods every four days to fuck me. Rain? Thunder and lightning? Worst snow you’ve ever seen? Joel was there. Never missed an appointment. You ever wonder where he was running off to every four days?” You can't hold it back now, you are laughing at her. She's staring at you with a dumb, slack-jawed look like she doesn't believe a word you're saying.

“No way. He wasn’t—” She tries to talk but you're tired of hearing her voice.

“Oh yes he was. Walking through the woods to see me. And then after your request to go with him was denied, he slept in my bed. Fucked and licked me all night long. And then asked me to come with him to Salt Lake. Picked me up on horseback the next day.” You nod at her slowly.

“No. You’re fucking lying. He was not fucking us at the sa– What?" She didn't know about you. Which is completely fine. You know she didn't. She does realize that you know something she didn't think you knew "I didn’t ask to go—” She starts but you cut her off.

“So our sweet girl Ellie lies? She heard it all. Heard you crying. Begging to come. Joel had to tell you no. It was just a fling. It was destined to end.” You shake your head at her slowly from side to side. 

“Ellie misheard.” Ava scoffs and crosses her arms over her chest.

“Joel told me everything. I know. ” You take a step towards Ava but she stands her ground which is fine. 

“Told me the only reason he was ever over at your place was to return your jam jars–cause you asked him to.” You scan her face and her eyes flick to the side and then back to you. “Exactly. He wasn’t asking for more of your shitty fucking ass jam. He was being nice to you. He feels bad for you. Feels bad that all you have in your life is jam and bread. So he did what you asked and returned your jars. Did you say that to piss me off or did you actually believe he wanted to be at your house? That something might happen if-. ” She starts to protest but you hold four flat fingers to the middle of her chest and press hard. “I’ll put you on the ground so fucking fast if you don’t shut your cocksuckin’ mouth.” 

Ava does shut her cocksuckin’ mouth and now she takes a step back from you. You follow her and keep your hand on her chest. She tries to bat you away but you grab her wrist with your other hand. 

“I swear, Ava, you try to come between me and Joel. You do anything funny to Ellie and her grades because of this– I will fucking end you . Do you understand me? I will. I’ll bury you so far out in the woods an so deep in the fucking ground no one would ever find you.” You giver a sad smile and sad eyes for what you're about to say next. “And since it’s just you in that big ole house, Ava, who would come lookin’ for you?” 

Ava’s eyes never leave yours. 

“I was just trying to warn–” Ava starts but you take the four fingers on her chest and slap her cheek softly. She gasps dramatically and gawks down at you. 

“Don’t make me slap you, bitch. I will. That was a love tap. Shut the fuck up. Keep you lyin’ jam makin’ ass in your own fuckin’ house and don’t you ever even look at my God damned driveway. Walk the other way. Don’t ever walk past my house or mess with my family ever again. Got it?” Ava nods. “Good. I’ll see you at the bar sometime. We’ll talk about Ellie. The greenhouse. We can talk about your pretty fuckin’ skirts but if I ever hear you say Joel’s name ever again…you know what happens.” You tap her cheek very gently with your hand again. Ava flinches. It’s dark out now and Joel is already probably at the wall. “Go home. I have to go see my boyfriend.”

Joel is up on the wall. You can see him up there before he sees you. You climb the stairs slowly and make your way to where he is posted up. When you get close he notices it’s you and smiles. 

“You were gone longer than I thought. You have trouble up at the school?” Joel drops his chin to his chest and gives you a knowing look. 

“Nope.” Joel smirks and relaxes a little. “Did all the trouble on the sidewalk out front.” Joel’s jaw drops. “Yup. It’s like she was waiting for me.”

You run through your whole conversation with Ava. Joel’s mouth just gets more open as you speak. You tell him how she said he tried to ask her to come to Salt Lake. He scoffs and waves you away like you’re crazy.

“Get the fuck’ outta here. I never asked her. Never.” Joel’s brows are furrowed. He keeps checking over his shoulder because he technically is still working and supposed to be patrolling. 

“I know. I believe you. I think she was just trying to stir shit up between us. If she had done it any sooner, it might have worked.” You explain. You notice a lack of Jacob Harris and wonder if Joel killed him already. It doesn’t get brought up. 

“I’m sorry you gotta deal with all this. I didn’t think it’d be an issue when we got back. I thought she’d have forgotten all ‘bout me. Moved on. I hoped she had.” Joel sighs and kisses your forehead softly. “Glad you came to see me though. Made my whole night. Gonna miss you. Crawl into those blankets with you when I get home.” Joel kisses you on the lips now, softly. “My sweet lil girl.” Whispered into your parted lips so no one else can hear. “Touch that lil pussy for me tonight before you go to sleep. I love you.” More whispered sexy demands that you’ll obey for him. 

“I love you.” You whisper back to him. Joel leads you to the stairs and gives your ass a smack. 

“See you in a couple hours, baby.” He calls as you head down and make your way back home.

“Hey, Squeak. Sorry I’m late and missed dinner. Conference and then I went and saw Dad.” You limp into her room. She’s already in bed. 

“It’s okay. He told me you might be back later than normal.” She pats her bed but you wave your hands over your dirty clothes. “Sit on the chair then. Talk to me like we have the last couple nights. I like when we do that.” You pull a chair over to the side of her bed and look down at her as she snuggles up in bed. 

“How are you doing?” You ask softly. She looks confused. “We haven’t really talked much about what happened on the road. Didn’t get a lot of time to.” Ellie’s eyes avert from yours. It makes you sad. 

“I don’t really like talking about it.” She whispers from behind her blanket covered fists. You nod in understanding. 

“I know. I don’t either.” You think back to that day. The first time you almost lost Ellie to that fucker David . The day the two brothers almost killed you. “I was in the house with Joel when two guys showed up. I left my gun down with Joel and they disarmed me real quick without it.” You nod down at her, she’s looking back up at you now. “Said they were gonna do terrible things to me. Said they were gonna do terrible things to you to make me scared.” You feel tears pool in your eyes. 

“What did they say?” She asks softly. 

“Just not nice things. They wanted me to be scared– that’s all that matters. I was. I was so fuckin’ scared Ellie. More scared than I ever was in the hospital.” You say honestly. No one in the hospital was threatening to rape you. “I know there aren’t a lot of people you think you can talk to but I probably know better than anyone what you went through. I’m always here if you need to talk about what happened when you were captured.” You lean down and kiss her forehead softly. “I won’t make you, but whatever heavy feeling you have in your heart will go away if you stop holding it in. I mean it. Holding it in is just going to make it feel heavier.” 

“Why are you talking about this?” Ellie asks like she’s annoyed. You pull the poem from your pocket and read it to her aloud. She sighs softly. “It’s just a poem.” She is annoyed. 

“Okay, Squeak. I’m just letting you know that I’m here. I understand.” You give her another kiss and stand up. “I have to shower and eat something. I love you.” 

“Love you.” She grumbles and rolls over before you can take a step away from the bed. 

Damn. Teenage girls are the worst. 

tag list: @fairylights-throughthemist @creepycorbeaux

(i'll take anyone off, or add anyone who wants updates for the next part.)

[wystericwoes]

This is kinda a shit post but here we go.

Cursing, sukunas mentions the word assault but no details. Talk of sex but no sex

Are the jjk characters virgins or not?

Students:

Yuuji-

Absolutely. Have you seen him?

Megumi-

Yes. Fight me it’s realistic. Ain’t no way he’s done it with anyone yet, maybe once in kindergarten he held hands with a girl and he counts that as relationship experience

Nobara-

Honestly, I wanna say yes, but I feel like she had some middle school boyfriend that she did it with.

Maki

Pre shibuya arc, yes. After that, idk who but shes pegging someone. I also wanna say she’s a lesbian but Ik her and Yuta gonna be porking in the future if they haven’t already. (He’s the one who gets fucked btw)

Inumaki

Had to think about this one. But yes. He’s kissed people, but he’s def a virgin

Panda…

That’s a bear

Yuta

No 😭 idk if it was with Rita or something but he’s not as innocent as he looks.

Hakashi

Absolutely not. This man is piping down Kirara every night and has had girlfriends before her.

Kirara

You seen her? No. Too fine

Mai

No, probably was to some random boyfriend she had.

Mechamaru/kokichi

Yes. He’s been in a bathtub in bandages his whole mf life 😭

Miwa

Kissed a boy in first grade and thinks that counts but yes

Momo

No, has had a couple boyfriends

Todo

Say what you want but this man is a virgin. And he’s proud. (Saving himself for that idol)

Kamo

100%. A girl asked him out once and that was it.

Teachers/faculty:

Principal Yaga

No, he’s had a long term partner or two, talked about his puppets afterwards.

Gojo

Do I even gotta say it 😭 his body count isn’t in the thousands like everyone jokes, but only because his standards are crazy fucking high.

Shoko

No, has had boyfriends in her life. Now she just does hookups

Utahime

No, one douchey boyfriend she had in college and maybe one or two later.

Kiyotaka

I seriously doubt it. But he seems so damn stressed all the time he doesn’t get much action.

The adults/sorcerers:

Nanami

No, Tried saving himself for marriage but hooked up with some girl in college/early adult life and has had maybe one or two partners that didn’t last because of his work.

Geto

He’s not but his body count is low. They gotta be a jujutsu sorcerer so he’s just narrowed down his options to like 7 people in the whole fuckin country 💀 when he was younger in highschool maybe he slept with some people either via relationships or otherwise. Canonically was a ladies man and is attractive so he’s got options. (Too bad he’s crazy)! And ofc if you’re a gojogeto shipper than there’s that.

Sukuna

No He’s only ever assaulted people sorry 😭 never has had a real “relationship” (unless of course were talking my series on him) maybe one night stands and that one chick that liked him. Idk he was doing some weird fuckery back then.

Naoya

He paid for sex. Constantly wondering why no girls like him and the clan hasn’t assigned him someone yet (or however that shit works) and so he just straight up got a prostitute, it’s a secret he’ll take to the grave. Poor sex worker his dick and ass is probably dirty because washing is “gay”.

Hajime

No, lived a long ass time and definitely did it.

Hiromi

Not a huge priority for him but no

Mei Mei

No and it was to someone other than her brother thank god

Yuki

She is too fine and boisterous not to be. She’s definitely had her pipe work rearranged if yk what I mean. Plus all that traveling gives her options

Ino

No. Def has had a few relationships. He’s the type of guy who scored when he was 13 to someone a little older and thinks he’s a baller when he’s just a victim 😭

Toji

Literally has fucking children. And canonically was a player before he met his wife. Man is ran through

All the curses are virgins because they’re either ugly or choso who hasn’t been alive long enough to know what sex is 💀

[yall-need-a-better-dm]

Honest review of season 8a:

Disappointed tbh. Between the breakup, the THREEE EPISODE LONG BEENADO/PLANE ARC, the random athena copaganda, BRAD FUCKING TORRENCE, no resolution on Denny being hit by a car, NO SOLID RESOLUTION ON EDDIE AND CHRIS, the very sudden madney baby plot line, and making Vincent Fucking Gerrard a “nice person”, it feels like this whole season went off the rails in a horrible way. Gonna tackle each of these one by one.

Read mode for the rest

I KNOW I’m not the only one disappointed by the way the breakup was handled. I do ship Tommy and Buck, but I’m living my myltishipper life. I knew it wasn’t going to be forever, but the idea that this man was willing to date someone for SIX MONTHS and then break it off suddenly bc he realized Evan should have his bisexual journey or whatever, felt like such a shit reason?? Literally anything else would have worked. We JUST had an episode proving he’s in it for a hot minute, he told a fucking GRAVE to drop a curse he doesn’t believe in so it’ll make his man happy again??? Like if ur gonna break them up that’s FINE. Just make it some other reason that doesn’t feel suddenly biphobic?? Idk. Having the actor do an exit interview was weird too, they did NOT do that for the other love interests lol. Idk. I don’t like the way it was handled, I’ve seen fanfics come up w better breakup reasons.

The beenado/plane crash was apparently originally written to be two episodes long. And it really fucking feels like it. The whole thing got stretched to fuck then DROPPED, like wtf r they doing about the rest of the bees??? Did they just. Leave??? Where r the bees Tim. The plane plot line was fun for a bit, but it felt like they forgot they have an ensemble cast??? Like don’t get me wrong the parallels of Bobby standing infront of the plane that she landed safely vs him standing by the ocean infront of a destroyed plane??? So good. HOWEVER. It was so long and they just. Tossed Eddie hen and Chim away, like they wouldn’t have followed bucks dumb ass to go get Bobby, or Buck wouldn’t have TOLD THEM EARLIER that the plan changed so they could get there asap. Idk. Hated it and the end plot were the fuckin. Cop guy man tries to kill Athena and her ex-fiancés murderer. Felt stupid tbh. Drawn out and desperately re-written.

I know this show toes the line a LOT with copaganda. But the ending few episodes having such BUG focuses on how Athena is the “good cop” and no one else to BALANCE it made it feel so fucking awkward. Almost every other time we have a scene about Athena being a cop, there’s usually a balance with another character. It makes it work. Having it be JUST her feels. So weird. ESP two episodes in a row??? Cart cop was funny but please I’m tired of Athena copaganda. I get that they’re setting it up for her to retire but also yall it’s an ENSEMBLE CAST use who u have and give her balance!!

Brad Torrance was funny the first few episodes. But he should have stopped there. Having him be a continuous problem felt like it took a lot away from other characters. I get that ur trying to give Bobby a plot line that’s outside of his family or Athena, but Brad fucking Torrance isn’t IT. I’m not here to watch a snooty actor get a verbal smack down, and then be let to do whatever he wants by the fire chief. Atleast TAYLOR following them made sense and they dealt with it well. Letting an actor who isn’t doing anything to help the firehouse, follow around the crew and letting him help??? No. The jumper plot line matched Eddie SO WELL and it would have been so good to see him talk it out with him, to see Eddie realize how much he fucking misses his family and to have VERBALIZED it. Instead an actor talks him down??? It would have been funnier, if Brad HAD to be there, that once the jumper has been talked down he notices him and loses his shit a little. I will say the final scene was funny, but it shouldn’t have been the LAST THING WE GET from all of them as a main cast for the fall finale.

If ur going to have a character we know and love be hit by a fucking car, nearly die, have to do an on site transfusion, it would make sense that we hear more about him throughout the season?? How is hen handling it? Is he wounded, is he home, did he have to stay at the hospital long? How does Mara feel seeing that. How is Karen, how does she feel about her kid being so hurt and being able to SAVE him. Jee was there too, did that upset her seeing that happen to her cousin(?)??? U hit a kid w a car and then promptly forgot about him. Brad Torrance and his depression got more focus than Denny did and that’s criminal.

YALL STARTED THE SEASON WITH CHRIS AND EDDIES PLOTLINE THEN PROMPTLY SHOVED IT AWAY UNTIL THE FINALE. I get it, the actor is a kid and might have needed to be gone, but the plotline still stands??? It would have been so much BETTER to see Eddie talking to his parents, it would have built up to that final moment where he realizes Chris is building a life in El Paso without him. I know they tried to focus on eddies emotions and I’m fine w that. But the actual storyline not being resolved??? Shit. I loved watching Eddie be happy and talk to the hot priest. But then it got dropped again and it felt pointless. Also why tf is the resolution to move to El Paso. Go pick up ur fucking kid and be his father.

The madney baby plotline is small potato’s. But I’m worried it’ll be repeat of jee-yun. I’m fine w the baby in general, but it felt so sudden for it to just SMACK DOWN in one episode that was already FULL of important plot lines (eddies grief, bucks relationship). It should have had a build up. Let them grow and understand and know. If Maddie is already preggers, and they’re just NOW talking about shit, what?? They’re adults why r they having unprotected sex and pretending they didn’t know the consequences.

VINCENT GERRARD BEING MADE INTO A SOFT UWU BOY WHO JUST WANTS TO LIKE HIS JOB PISSED ME OFF SO BAD. you introduced him in s2 as a racist, sexist, homophobic asshole who made life at the 118 hell. You RE introduced him as not having changed. But suddenly oh, he’s there bc counselled ortiz has a hate boner for hen, and found out how to make her life hell, and he’s not willing to be a pawn, even tho arguably he wouldn’t care??? We also NEVER got to see him talk down to anyone outside of Buck, for whatever reason, except for SMALL snippets. Honestly I feel like 8A should have been dealing w gerrard and getting him out, while handling the Chris subplot. Gerrard has BEEN written as a horrible person, and suddenly it’s changed bc what?? Torrance doesn’t like him??? Please. This is weak as fuck and everyone knows it. If you wanted to say he’s different you shouldn’t have written him into s7 as an ASSHOLE who everyone hates.

In general, there was moments I liked. I had fun with the season for some of it, but a LOT of it just. Made me annoyed or upset w the show. I’ve seen previous seasons, I know it can be written better than this. The pacing feels ABYSMAL and they very obviously don’t know their own continuity??? Chris has been gone since early/mid summer, but suddenly by November it’s only 3 months?? Idk.

I’m disappointed, but hopeful that s8B will be better. Fingers crossed.

[hearts401]

Hai :3 do u have any wacky wild michael hcs

oh do i!

both adult and teen. loser has been on my mind again.

He gets super fucking cold for no reason and blamed it on ghosts until after fnaf 6 where he brought it up as a joke and the ghost kids were like "...none of us did that" and now he's convinced theres a whole extra ghost after him. (it was cc he didnt mean to initially but cassidy thought it was funny)

He talked to the animatronics all the fuckin time. like he just. chatted with them. especially the fnaf 2 ones. charlie had to sit there and watch him talk to actual robots thinking they were kids. they werent and she told him that in fnaf 6 because she found it so fucking funny

clumsy as HELL i know that man was banging his knee in the SL vents and swearing under his breath

teen mike was also clumsy. probably split his lip on concrete all the time as a kid.

he was also the kinda kid to say "nah, check this out!!" and wake up in the hospital

this is a gross one but. he dealt with bugs a lot post scoop (especially. flies. and what comes with them. iykyk). he'd come into work on mondays smelling like a can of bug repellant. you wont believe what he showers with instead of water.

He was williams least favorite but they had a weird relationship between him moving out and elizabeths death. like some days william despised him and michael just wanted to blow them both up with his mind and some days he comes home like "Hey mike whats up want some pizza for dinner tonight?" and michaels like "fuck yeah why not."

he's henrys favorite afton as a teen and he knows it. and he uses it. Henry fuckin loved that kid he had the man wrapped around his finger. William also notices it and he gets mad at henry over it.

in relation to that, henry was really gentle with michael which was. not helpful im sorry 😭

mike sleeps pretty casually. hes not a light sleeper but not a deep sleeper. unless hes tired. if he hasnt been getting enough sleep youll know because he sleeps like a ROCK.

he fucking loves italian food. for no reason. he just does

he unironically eats beans on toast. He tried it as a joke and then just. never stopped.

he still has his foxy mask it just doesnt fit him. he tries it on again and it hurts his head

cannot afford to go out to eat often and GOD does he complain about it. he is SO FUCKING LOUD when he complains about it. he wants his takeout man

Loves animals but they hate him. A crow tried to take a bite out of him post scoop once nad he had to fight for his life. bro saw his family for a moment there

he is so polite most of the time but if you talk to him after his shift he'll fuck you up. rudest bitch on the block and he was an asshole teen so he knows how to run his mouth

he plays solitaire.

does not know about the context but whenever hes depressed he says "tomorrow is another day" because time moves on anyways!!!! also idk i think its neat

he ate shit in the middle of his shift once and bashed his face on one of the counters and his coworker found the blood the next day and managed to start a rumor that someone died there until michael came in to work with his face bandaged up.

these are so rambly but funny so im gonna keep going

skateboards <3 totally tried to show off and ate shit until william told him if he went to the hospital again he'd take the skateboard. he still ate shit. just hid it better.

taught evan to do a lot. If he didnt feel like bullying him (for an array of reasons, but the biggest is just. boredom. or loneliness. or a mix) he'd teach him something just because he could. skipping rocks, flying a kite. michael doesnt remember it very well but evan does

cassidy kicked him in the knee so hard he was limping for an hour and so he found the golden freddy suit and kicked it too at one point. she didnt feel it tho. and jumpscared him out of spite.

he loves dogs and once brought evan to see one because his friends were busy and he hates being alone and the dog bit the shit out of evan. foreshadowing.

oh yeah i totally think he gets lonely btw. do not leave that guy alone he will get very sad and pathetic!!!

im capping myself here because jesus christ.