#he had the best marks in their group right up until the “unexplained crash” and white boys don't like indians making them look bad

[potsiefaerie]

My great grandfather was one of these men - he had 3rd degree burns that took away most of his nose and ears and cheeks after a plane crash during training (at 19 I think), and yeah you could see some of the scars but he looked pretty normal, even into his 90s.

It makes me so, so angry when I see those posts that are like "HORRIFYING EARLY PLASTIC SURGERY RESULTS FROM WW2," because all of those lists are full of images that aren't the final result and are used for pure shock value. Harold Gillies, who performed most of those surgeries, was an incredibly talented surgeon. Here are some images of the full results of his surgeries.

I need to emphasize that I can't post the "before" pictures that go with these because the men did not have faces. The injuries were so extensive that these men were missing nearly all of their facial features, and through cutting-edge techniques that "looked scary" at the time (e.g. extensive skin grafts), Gillies saved these men from a medical nightmare.

Gillies performed the world's first ftm bottom surgery for trans man Michael Dillon and pioneered mtf bottom surgery! Respect his legacy.

[nestleeds]

From anorexia to anxiety: my journey through motherhood

Photo by Hush Naidoo on Unsplash

I had anorexia. To be honest, I still have anorexia. I just have it in such a way that you wouldn’t know unless you ‘knew’. A recent forensic psychiatric report described me as “thin but not malnourished”. (Don’t worry, I’m not dangerous, I just get intrusive thoughts that spill out of mouth sometimes so  forensics checked me out)

So, why do you need to know the above? You don’t, but let’s call it context.

As a result of the anorexia I had no periods for 11 years. Then, from the age of 27, I had approximately 3 a year. As a result, I thought becoming pregnant would be difficult. So, when I told my partner that we would need IVF and you have to try for ages to even get onto the fertility treatment ladder he agreed that we may as well start trying now.

You can probably see where this is going. Boom. Baby.

The next 8 months or so were simply horrible. I strongly believed that if I miscarried, I would never get pregnant again. I also believed I would miscarry. Every toilet trip terrified me. When I did have any spotting, I went straight to the hospital to beg for scans. And then the letter came to say my smear test was due. But you’re not supposed to have it done when pregnant so now every niggle was obviously cervical cancer, unless it wasn’t, but how could I find out? I couldn’t have a smear because then my baby would die. The baby that I wanted more than anything. The baby that I would love and would make me the person I should be. The baby that I would love so much it would make all my pain disappear.

I went into labour nine days early. He was stuck so an episiotomy and some forceps later and there was the most glorious sight. My boy. I had been wrong. I wasn’t going to miscarry. So maybe I was wrong about the cervical cancer too (and the brain tumour I had decided on at about 7 months pregnant).

He didn’t want to latch on which I didn’t understand as breastfeeding was what should happen next. And he wasn’t quite the colour I had expected but what did I know about newborns?

At three hours old the midwife came in. She looked at us and flew to the door yelling “crash team”. As she did so she pulled my love from my arms and took him to be resuscitated as 3000 medics appeared in the room. So, I was proven right. Something bad was going to happen, my baby was going to die and I had predicted it.

Except he didn’t die. He got better and better and six days later we were home. But I could not lose that sense that I had correctly predicted something awful was going to happen. So every time I had a niggle or a headache or an unexplained bruise I KNEW it was cancer. Because I can predict death. I went for my eyes testing when my boy had been home three days to see if I had a tumour. I had my breasts scanned, my cervix prodded, my moles scrutinised. I even made my partner look at my vomit on one occasion. And the poor GP who had to examine my rectum for tumours.... My boy had not yet started weaning and I had convinced myself of cancer in every organ. After a couple more months I was referred for CBT with a mental health practitioner who attributed all my health anxieties to my father’s sudden death two years earlier. She was wrong, but I understand why it would have made sense.

When my baby was six months old, on the motorway, I decided to drive in front of a lorry because these thoughts needed to end. But then the lorry driver would have to live with the belief he’d killed someone. So that wouldn’t be fair. What to do? My boy was in the back of the car and I was so distressed I could barely breathe. My best friend collected me from the services and took me to the GP who called the Crisis Team. Their response was to refer me back to my GP. Nothing further was available.

GP, IAPT, Crisis Team, Health Visitor. Not one of these people realised that what was happening was a perinatal mental health disaster and therefore not one of these people referred me into the service that had a fighting chance of helping.

We battled on. I was anxious, low, sad, fearful and deeply unhappy. Going back to work helped a little and with the help of my partner, best friend and Mum I slowly rose back to the surface of functionality. When my son was 20 months old I thought it time we had another baby because I desperately did not want him to be an only child. I would have failed him if I didn’t provide a sibling. I felt scared but it was what should happen next. Again, I became pregnant very quickly. I felt ok about this for long enough to tell a few people but then the fear grew. The health anxiety began to increase to the point of suicidal thinking. I simply could not go there again, I could not have this baby.

I slowly began to raise the idea with close friends that I did not want this pregnancy. The conversation with my partner, when he told me I would be killing his child if I terminated it, has marked my brain like the deepest wound. My Mum suggested she raise the child because she had to know she had done everything she could to talk me out of it. But I knew that if I was to survive the pregnancy must end. Even if it took my relationship with it.

Whilst I was making this decision, my best friend was seeking out any service that may help. She came across the mother and baby unit in Leeds and made direct contact with the unit, explaining the situation. A psychiatrist called me at work and said he could see me that day. As I walked up to the unit from my office I had a sense that finally an expert was interested. Within 20 minutes this man changed my medication and I believed he understood my pain. But there was no magic wand and I could not be fixed.

I had a termination a week or so later. It was an easy decision to make, telling those who needed to know and actually going through with it were the hard parts. But from then on my health anxiety was taken seriously as people appreciated the pain it had caused. I was assigned a CPN and began psychotherapy. The trajectory from hereon was generally positive, with dips but they were dips I could now talk about.

A year or so later I became pregnant again, and was pleased and hopeful. Unfortunately, I miscarried at 10 weeks but that feeling of hope helped me to want to try again. When I became pregnant for the fourth time I was referred through the correct channels. The Mother and Baby Unit took me on and made me feel safe. I knew that when this baby was born there was a safety net and I would be held until I could survive on my own.  I had weekly appointments with my CPN, saw the psychiatrist to review my meds and went to groups organised and run by the nurses. I met incredible women who were also patients of the service.  They had strength you can not imagine and I no longer simply tried to survive.

For the next three years there continued to be dips because that is how illness works. I had more crisis calls, a stint on a mental health assessment ward and a discussion with my, now, eight year old about depression. Many people ask if I want another baby. But I believe that if I become pregnant again I will have a stillborn. I have never said or written those words before because it is not a conversation I want to have. I don’t want anyone to try and tell me otherwise because conversations with irrational beliefs are futile. I have had: poorly newborn, healthy newborn, termination and miscarriage. Therefore, I am now pushing my luck and I believe another pregnancy would not end well. This does make me sad because I don’t feel done, but I am done.

Some days I manage and some days I am drowning. The anorexia, anxiety and compulsive behaviours are as much a part of me as my hair colour. It can be covered and it can alter but it will always be there underneath. But the health anxiety, dare I say it, is ok. Today I am ok. Let’s just stick with that.

[moonprincess92]

To the stars

the titanic au 

1, 2, 3 

Read on AO3 

Chapter 4: The bow 

“You reported me?” Cassian said, barely containing the outrage.

“You broke communication, broke cover, and failed to explain yourself why,” K-2SO pointed out simply. “Of course I reported you. Why are you surprised?”

Cassian just walked away in agitation, running his hands roughly through his hair. Failing to remain in contact was one thing, but breaking cover… K-2 was right, he never should have done it. It wasn’t just reckless, it was downright suicidal. There was absolutely no guarantee that someone who had heard his real identity in that third class common room wouldn’t eventually end up somewhere that Krennic could get a hold of the information. He would be forcibly ejected into the Abyss and Jyn murdered right along with him in a heartbeat. 

He remembered taking her hand and dragging her out onto the dance floor. He shouldn’t remember it fondly, he should think of it as a terrible mistake, but he could still feel her hands clasped in his and it was probably the happiest he’d felt in a long time. She hadn’t exactly known what she was doing, but she had followed his lead as best she could and thrown her head back laughing anyway. They’d eventually given up on trying to follow the conventions. The music had been loud, energetic, a thumping rhythm that hit deep in the chest and she had wrapped herself around him, fingers gripping his shirt collar. At some point someone had even pulled them up onto one of the tables and they’d been roped into a group dance, clasping each other’s hands and spinning, her face the only thing clear in an otherwise blurry room… 

Karking hell. A stupid, stupid idea. 

“I’m not surprised,” Cassian span back around then to face K-2. “but Draven’s going to question me now and if I give truthful answers, he’s going to pull me off the assignment. I can’t let that happen.”

“Why not?” K-2 moved his arms in what was his version of a shrug. “It seems that we have done what we came here to do. Establish contact with the mark, deem her reliable or not.”

“You’re forgetting get the plans.”

“We have not yet been shown conclusive evidence that these plans exist,” K-2 said. “Nor do we even have confirmation of this Death Star ever being built.”

“The threat of entire planet’s being destroyed isn’t enough for you?”

“No, the word of a woman who has been under Imperial control the last fifteen years is not enough for me.”

“Kay–” Cassian snapped in frustration. 

But there was no point in arguing with him. K-2SO was nothing if not stubborn and logical. Everything he said made sense and in any other situation, Cassian would be agreeing with him. At the end of the day, this assignment did not have enough to justify continuing and by all accounts, they should be sneaking down into holding to climb aboard one of the private shuttles he knew was being stored down there to make their escape. But…

“I’ve been doing some calculating,” K-2 mentioned, then. Carefully, in a voice that Cassian knew he only used when forced to deliver news that wouldn’t be well received. It immediately made his hackles rise. “and trying to come up with reasons for your recent out-of-character behaviour. I decided to dismiss oxygen deprivation and poisoning, so that only left me with one likely explanation… you have a sexual attraction to the mark.”

Of all the things K-2 had said to him over the years, that had to be the most bizarre.

“Kay, did you just say the word ‘sexual’?”

“You are avoiding my point.”

But what the hell was he supposed to say? It wasn’t just a sexual attraction, it was something else more, something entirely and utterly unexplainable. She was someone who actually understood him, someone whose life was as unstable and lost as his was. She heard him, figured out what was going on in his head without him having to explain. She had managed to find the real Cassian somewhere inside him and instead of hating him for the things he’d done, she instead looked at him and was able to smile. Sure, she was an angry, grieving mess, but Cassian looked back at her and felt his chest burn. He wouldn’t leave this ship without her.

He couldn’t.

“Exactly how mad do you think Draven is going to be?” Cassian just huffed, running a hand over his face.

Turns out, it was the exact level of mad that Cassian was expecting.

“WHAT THE HELL were you thinking, breaking cover?!” Draven practically spat through the hologram. “This is fucking basic protocol, what are you, green? You might blow the entire operation!”

“I made a calculated risk, sir,” Cassian lied through his teeth. “We saw the third class as an opportunity for recruitment and I met some people who were willing to join. You’ve always said that there is never one single objective on a mission–”

“There is on one as high-stakes as this,” Draven thundered. His face would have been purple with rage, if the hologram allowed any colour other than blue to come through. “Your objective was to check the authenticity of this Erso’s claims and until such a thing was known, you were to treat it as if they were true. We cannot fuck around with a planet killer!” Cassian opened his mouth to counter, but it would have been useless. Draven had every right to be livid considering everything he said was true.

Draven carried on his tirade, K-2 clearly trying to not look like he was 3 seconds away from saying ‘I told you so’ as he hovered in the background. “As it is, we have no idea whether your little jaunt down to the third class compromised you or not, so I’m pulling you from the mission.”

“Wait, Sir–”

“–DO NOT ARGUE,” Draven yelled. “I am pulling you from this mission effective immediately! As soon as this call is over, you will execute the extraction plan and return at once to Home One. I’ll decide what the hell to do with you once you’re here. K-2SO will remain on Titanic and carry out the mission’s objective.”

“Sir,” Cassian’s hands shook, but he clenched them into fists to disguise it. “The objective still includes the extraction of the mark. She has to be extracted, Krennic will kill her if it’s found out she’s no longer loyal–”

“It is no longer your concern, Captain Andor,” Draven snapped. “Leave it to K-2SO, I’m sure you trust him to carry out the mission. I have nothing more to say to you, transmission over.”

And the hologram cut out.

“Well,” K-2 said into the ringing silence. “all things considered, I think that went well.”

“I can’t leave,” Cassian said at once.

“You will be sanctioned or worse if you don’t.”

“I don’t care,” Cassian rose to his feet, checking that the blaster that never left his side was still hidden away inside his jacket. “Look, I have to go find Jyn, I need to–”

“You need to get down to holding!”

“KAY,” Cassian whirled back as the droid clamped a hand down onto his shoulder. K-2 visibly flinched away as Cassian deflected, the resulting clang of Cassian’s fist hitting the droid’s metal challis ringing throughout the suite. He hadn’t meant to be so forceful, though it at least seemed to have done the job. K-2 was clearly shocked, backing away from him. 

For a moment they stayed silent. 

“Look – I’m sorry,” Cassian said, softer now. “but who do you trust more: me, or Draven?”

“That is an unfair question. Of course I trust you more. But–”

“–then you have to let me do this,” Cassian insisted. “I only need a couple more days. We’ll get evidence that the plans exist and you don’t ever have to tell Draven that I’m still here. We’ll say I ran into technical issues on the journey back to base and that I’m still on route. By the time we’ve stolen the plans and actually arrive back, it will be too late to do anything to me and we’ll have much bigger problems to handle.”

“I do not like this plan, Cassian.”

“I figured, but please,” he said, stepping forward.

K-2 gave a mechanical sigh. “I trust you, and I will do it... but for the record, I am not happy about it. I will never understand organics and their need for sexual fulfilment.”

Beep, beep, beep. Please update your system!

For fuck’s sake, Officer Rohn Macehold was going to die of kriffing boredom on this ship.

“Anything good?” he asked as his co-pilot finally ended his conversation with the navigator, absently dismissing the notification from his control panel. “PLEASE, tell me that there’s something good? A nebula to swerve around? Meteor dust to avoid?”

“Nothing, mate,” Officer Yull’in Maan sighed, collapsing back next to him in his chair. “Captain won’t even let us go off auto until the next hyper-link!”

“That’s in six hours.”

“It was nice working with ya,” Yull’in sighed.

Beep, beep, beep. Please update your system!

“I didn’t go to friggin’ flight school,” Rohn huffed. “To sit on my arse all day playing Dejarik with the engineers.”

“Oh, who’s winning?”

“Bloody Dan, I’m pretty sure he’s cheating though.”

“Look, this is what we got for taking on a commercial job,” Yull’in snorted. “Just be thankful we’re not getting shot out of hyperspace, ok?”

“Would be more interesting than this.”

Beep, beep, beep. Please update your system!

“Ok, how the ever-loving fuck do you turn off notifications,” Rohn finally lost it, furiously swiping at the control screen. “because this is driving me NUTS–”

“Don’t waste your time man, every time I try the system won’t let me disable it,” Yull’in practically laughed. “We’re living in hell.”

“Honestly, who the fuck ever updates their system anyway? We haven’t crashed yet, I think we’ll be fine.”

“Starting to wish you’d taken that fighter pilot opportunity now, huh?” 

But Rohn ultimately shook his head, staring at their control screen without really seeing it. Quite honestly, he’d take the cheating engineers over being forced to shoot at rebels who were really only trying to make the galaxy a better place. He wasn’t strong enough for that. There were plenty others who were far more qualified than him to take on that role.

At least here he couldn’t do any damage.

Beep, beep, beep. Please update your system!

The promenade was probably only one of the few places on the ship where you were likely to encounter someone from literally any walk of life. One of the very few all-access areas, the promenade featured a long street right through the centre of B deck, the domed ceiling giving off the illusion of sunlight beaming down as popular shops, restaurants and entertainment lined the road. Of course, it opened out eventually onto the observation deck, which was mostly used as a wide open area to hang out or a place to host events when the shields were closed.

That’s where he eventually found Jyn, dutifully following Krennic as they casually perused the promenade’s shops. Maybe a little paranoid, Cassian followed at a distance, unwilling to let Krennic see him. If Kes or Shara or any of his other fellow Festian’s saw him up here dressed like this, and Krennic saw…

Finally, he saw his opportunity when Krennic and several of his party stopped to talk to someone who was clearly rather important in the ship’s running. Jyn hung on the edges of the group and he stole forward silently to tug on her sleeve to get her attention. She started, but thankfully didn’t ask questions or hesitate at all, simply let him pull her several feet away into the nearest building. 

Surrounded by what seemed to be lots of elaborate exercise equipment and a receptionist who clearly doubted that they were there to work out, Jyn glanced around at him anxiously. 

“What is it?” she asked. “Why are you–?”

“Jyn, listen–” He tried to keep his voice low, urgent and yet controlled. “I got myself pulled off his assignment for breaking cover. I’m talking major trouble, my supervisor is probably going to murder me when I finally make it back to the rebellion.”

“But that’s insane – Krennic still has no idea who you are–”

“It doesn’t matter,” he cut in. “I shouldn’t have gone to that party with you, I shouldn’t have told anyone who I was, I knew it was a bad idea, but you–”

“I didn’t make you,” Jyn said.

“I’m not–” He grit his teeth. He didn’t have time for this. “Look. I’m supposed to be on a stolen shuttle literally as we speak, but I can’t leave this mission–” without you. “–with – without knowing that the objective is completed. You need to get confirmation of the plans’ existence.”

“You said you believed me.”

“I do – hell, you’re not making this easy–”

“We had a plan,” Jyn said, a hint of anger now on the edges of her tone. “I told you it’s not safe to access the plans until we’re ready to take them. We’re going to have to force the safe to get it open, and there’s no getting them back in afterwards. Krennic will know–”

“If you want the Alliance Council to believe you then you will figure out a way.”

“What the hell?” she scowled. “I thought you actually cared about more than just the mission, that I wasn’t just another mark – lord, I’m fucking stupid. This isn’t you talking, this is your boss–”

“You don’t know who the hell I am,” Cassian hissed at her. He hastily glanced through the window, though thankfully Krennic’s party still hadn’t seemed to notice that she was missing. How the hell dare she say he didn’t care? He cared way too fucking much, and that was the entire goddamn problem. “Fine. Look, I can’t see you again then. It’s too dangerous, word will eventually get around that an Alliance spy is also on board the Titanic and Krennic is smart. He will eventually catch on and figure out it has to be me.”

He couldn’t let her convince him otherwise. He turned to leave, except of course she said, “Wait!” and grabbed his wrist. 

“I’m serious, let go,” he said without looking.

After a beat or two she did. He walked away, hating himself more with every step.

Jyn Erso was hanging by a thread.

She had been ever since her father had been shot down right in front of her. She wasn’t sure what was going to be the vibroblade that eventually severed that last inch, but she was certain more than ever that she was getting closer to it. Little by little, something would dig in until finally it wouldn’t take much more to make it snap. She’d thought that perhaps losing the only person who had ever bothered to help her would do it, but then she had chided herself for being so damn dramatic.

No matter how many times she closed her eyes, she couldn’t get the image of her father’s dead face out of her head. He had stood right next to her, on the cusp of Galactic domination as the construction of the Death Star was compared one last time to his original designs. Everything had matched perfectly. Nothing at fault was to be found and they were nearly, nearly there, when Krennic had turned around and said,

“Thank you for your services, Galen. I couldn’t have made it this far without you.” 

Before putting a blaster wound through his chest.

Jyn visibly flinched, turning over in bed to try and hide the memory. Her father, who had been nothing but loving and kind, who had been forced to create a monster, was just murdered at the end of it all. She hadn’t cried, or at least she didn’t think she had – the memory thankfully blurred at that point – but every other part of her had been screaming. Krennic had then handed off the blaster to another officer with distaste before looking at her warmly and saying,

“Come on then, Jyn, dear. We have a lot of work to do.”

In other words, say anything and you end up on the floor like him.

She should have just let Krennic kill her. But somehow, maybe idiotically, Jyn had thought that she could still carry on her father’s legacy, succeed where he died and somehow get the damn plans out herself. It had taken five days to steal all the equipment that she had needed in order to send the hologram out undetected, encrypting it at least five times for good measure. At least her father hadn’t taught her nothing. She would make him proud.

She had to.

She let out a frustrated noise, opening her eyes. She wasn’t sleeping. Cassian had walked away from her and it was her own damn fault. The last two days he had avoided her completely. The only reason she knew he was still on board was because she could tell he had gone back to tailing her, always on the edge of her vision, but never approaching. She didn’t know what he was waiting around for. He had to get back or risk getting into more trouble and clearly he was doubting the plans even existed anymore...

She stole out of bed quietly, slipping easily into the shadows behind the one lone guard that Krennic always had posted, even in the dead of the night. She had to get out somewhere, and if she couldn’t leave the bloody ship, then she wanted to be the one place that had actually felt welcoming.

The entire E deck that was mostly made up of third class passengers was basically empty this time of night, but Jyn knew that she would be around somewhere. Shara Bey had told her that she often got up especially at certain times to watch the sights whenever they changed hyper-lanes. If she remembered the schedule correctly, the next was due soon and if Jyn hurried she might catch Shara before she headed on up to the observation deck.

She found her coming up the stairs just as Jyn was heading down.

“Going to see the Villina?” Shara called cheerfully when she noticed her. “Good idea, although you’re going the wrong way.”

“I was hoping to catch you, actually.”

“Aw, I’m touched,” Shara grinned as she linked their elbows together. 

They started the climb back up the stairs through the labyrinth of corridors. For a while they were both quiet, but it seemed that Shara understood the need to let Jyn talk when she was ready, although how she didn’t know. 

“Couldn’t sleep, huh?” Shara eventually asked. 

“No.”

“Wanna talk about it?” she gently prompted. 

She still wasn’t quite sure. Jyn had been so used to always having at least her father around to vent to. He was her one sole person to depend on, to be able to talk about anything with, only now he was gone and she had no one. That was the thing, people always left. Not that she’d had many people to get close to throughout her life, but if there was someone, they were eventually taken away. Her mama was gone. The kids of other high-ranking generals that she played with whenever they visted Eadu would always leave again. And eventually her papa too. The smart thing to do was to stay silent and not risk blowing Cassian’s cover any more than it already was…

But she didn’t want to be smart right now.

“I can’t… there’s a lot I can’t say,” she admitted, slowly. “but I want… Cassian and I had a fight.”

Shara made a small sound of sympathy. “Happens to the best of us.”

“It’s serious. We’re in a tight spot and our lives are in a lot of danger if we don’t tread carefully… sorry I’m being so vague–”

“It’s fine,” Shara said at once.

Jyn nodded in thanks. “Thing is, I encouraged him to do something that was reckless and stupid and now he’s mad about it, pulling away,” She had been so angry at him at that time, his remarks stinging. His words had felt like accusations and she had bitten back, but after stewing in her own guilt, she realised that she probably did deserve part of the blame. He had warned her it was a bad idea to go down to third class, to fuck all covers and be whoever the damn hell he wanted and she’d encouraged him anyway. Maybe it was what he had wanted to do, maybe it was what was good for him, but this wasn’t an ideal world. This was a war, they didn't have the luxury of doing what they wanted, when they wanted, and she had just pushed away the only person in the galaxy who was willing to help her escape Krennic. 

“I want to apologise,” she said. “but for our safety, we need to stay away from each other.”

Shara squeezed her elbow. “Shit, girl. I’m sorry I can’t really help you out. I’d say just apologise, but if that’s going to risk your safety…”

“It’s probably better this way,” Jyn added, agreeing. The longer he stayed away, the less suspicious Krennic would become and the more likely she’d have a chance to do… something. Literally anything other than dutifully go to Scarif. But goddamn it, she didn’t want to. She wanted to talk to him, dance with him, feel his hands on her back again and his breath in her hair. 

There was a reason she kept seeking him out. Turns out she wanted a lot of things that she didn’t know she could ever want. 

“I guess I could just use a friend,” Jyn admitted. “I haven’t really had many of those before.”

“Say no more,” Shara said at once. “Come on, we’ve got a nebula to witness!”

They continued to climb all the way to the observation deck at the bow, catching it just as the shields were opening. For a moment, Jyn was transfixed by the gradual reveal of stars, until her gaze drifted down… and she realised that Shara and her weren’t the only ones up at this time after all. Someone stood right at the front of the bow, leaning against the rails and Jyn stopped dead in her tracks when she realised.

Shara seemed to get it straight away.

“There’s no one around,” she said, quietly.

“But I can’t–” Jyn said. “He doesn’t want me to–”

“Jyn, just go and say what you need to say. I’ll keep an eye out.”

She apparently owed Shara a lot. She turned to her friend and gripped her elbow tightly. 

“Thank you.”

The observation deck was basically empty at this hour. Not many people were willing to stay up, despite the view being the infamous Villina Nebula. The hazy purple cloud spread across the sea of space in front of him, Cassian able to at least get the best view right at the front leaning on the railing. With the glass viewport and nothing in front of him, he could almost imagine that he was actually out there among the stars, feel them skim by his face, run his hands through the nebula cloud. There was no war out here, no Empire, no rebellion, just him and the endless space…

“Hey.”

He gave a start, spine tensing immediately. He didn’t turn, but allowed himself to dare hope even as he closed his eyes at the same time.

“You’re so stupid, Jyn.”

“So are you,” she said. “I guess we’re both being stupid together now.”

“I said we needed to stay away from each other.”

“Yeah, well, I caved. Are you even surprised?”

He turned finally, finding her standing still a few feet away, fingers pulling at the edges of her jacket.  She held back, even as she came to him. If she felt anything like him, then she would be dying to move, to touch, to hold, but still couldn’t quite cross that line until absolutely certain that the other was ok with it. He supposed that’s why he was such a gonner.

“Honestly, I was about two minutes from caving myself.”

“Well, shit. Now I’m just the sad one who caved first.”

He broke into a small laugh. “I’m sorry,” he needed to say. “I was anxious and I snapped at you. All of the decisions I’ve made since boarding this ship I wanted to do, none of this is your fault.”

“No, I’m sorry as well,” Jyn was quick to say. “I knew it was a bad idea, you told me it was, but I encouraged you anyway.”

“Stop that, it’s ok–”

“Only if you stop it!”

He couldn’t help but smile again. He noticed someone a long way off across the deck, someone he suspected was Shara Bey hovering right at the edge as if keeping an eye out. They exchanged looks of acknowledgement but nothing more. He glanced back at Jyn. 

“I don’t really have a plan anymore,” he admitted. “I’m supposed to go back to base immediately, but I can’t leave without you.” 

A flash of emotion hit her face, but it was gone so quickly he couldn’t be sure what he’d seen there. 

“We’ll figure something out,” she said in reply. 

There were so many other things he knew they should be doing. They should re-plan, back off, go figure out what the hell they were going to do, but he ignored it all in favour of offering out a hand to her.

“Come here?”

She carefully moved forward, until her hand was clutched in his. Whispering for her to close her eyes, she did so after only a moment of trepidation and he carefully pulled her in front of him so that she could see the view from the very tip of the bow. He lifted her arms into the air, leaving them drifting through the stars and said,

“Open your eyes.”

Her sharp intake of breath was barely audible, but being right behind her meant he heard everything. She stared at the colourful nebula before them, his hands skimming her sides as they drifted down her arms, down to her hips. It was so quiet on the observation deck that they could be the only two people in the entire universe, and Cassian was quite fine with that idea.

“It’s like I’m floating,” Jyn said. “Part of the stars.”

“We finally got the best view.” 

"It's beautiful." 

He pressed his nose into her hair, hands moving again now, up her waist and down her arms until he could tangle and untangle his fingers with hers as they stretched out. He could feel her pulse thudding in her neck. He didn’t know what was happening, or what she wanted to happen, but he felt her grip his fingers and bring them down, wrapping his arms around her, and he got an idea. She glanced up at him over her shoulder and his entire universe narrowed down.

“I want…” she whispered.

“Yeah, me too,” and he leaned forward the meagre space between them to kiss her underneath the billions of stars and nebulae. She pressed in deep, his arms winding tighter around her waist. It seemed that there could be no in between for them. No easing into it, no taking it slow, it was all or nothing and he gave as good as he got, his entire body feeling like it had gone up in flames. It was all faintly terrifying. He half expected to hear K-2’s disapproving voice in his ear any second and all of his training seemed to have left him completely. He had no idea what was happening in his surroundings, no idea what the dangers were. All he knew was her in front of him as she reached up a hand, fingers raking through his hair so that she could tether him to her mouth (not that he ever wanted to leave it).

This is a bad idea. It should have been ringing through his head like an emergency siren, but he couldn’t seem to stop even when he tried. He pulled back a moment, only she used it as an opportunity to turn around in his arms, back to the stars and chest pressed to his. Her kiss was bruising. He felt his fingers grip handfuls of her jacket at her sides, like if he let go she might drift off into the void of space. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t lose this anymore. He cared way too fucking much. 

But he was beyond the point of pretending that he didn't. 

“Cassian,” she muttered against his lips. In between kisses, she said, “Cassian, let’s go.”

“I… yeah,” he kissed the corner of her mouth, her cheek, her hairline. “Let’s go.”