#he gets better! tho this behavior sees an uptick during and post-tresspasser

[gutshift]

alexei doesn't tend to read to others as someone with a lot of pathos — not that he doesn't obviously care about the things he cares about, but he moves through the world a little like he's untouchable. like the bad stuff rolls off his shoulders.

but the thing is, the most identity - defining moment, for him, is when he failed to save his baby sister from being imprisoned by people he knew would hurt her. the moment he most defines himself by is the moment he failed to save his baby sister.

he kept tabs on rowan, after she'd been exiled alongside him. he tried to keep tabs on inessa, though the ostwick circle was strict enough he wasn't able to do much. he needs to take care of them. he believes he needs to take care of them. they reunite in inquisition and it just gets worse — believing that rowan's died protecting haven destroys him, and cullen and cassandra both have to physically drag him out because he intends to stay and die with her.

alexei doesn't — other people describe him as funny and smart and loving and incorrigible and a flirt and everyone's big brother. but alexei doesn't consider himself those things, or at least he doesn't care about them. alexei considers himself a protector, a shield for his sister and his cousin, and he's failed both of them at least once, in major ways. he swore on his head that he could keep the two of them safe and he let them down. he's walking around and living and, behind the ease and the arrogance and the smile, he is carrying around so much guilt and so much fear. fear that he'll keep failing, and next time inessa or rowan won't survive it.