#he followed it up by asking if I wanna work 5-10pm tomorrow despite knowing I take the bus | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

carocat · 6 years ago

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A quick reminder for men: Common events for you can turn into really scary situations for women in a snap. Case in point: This week I listed a clothes dryer on the Letgo app. Because it was a dryer, a neutral meeting location was impractical. I needed it taken out of my house.

To try to stay safe, I decided to only allow people to pick it up after 5 when my husband would be home. But a guy who works nights asked if he could come in the am instead; I said yes as long as you're here before husband leaves for work.

The next morning, buyer isn't here before husband leaves. I message and tell him not to come. He shows up 15 min later. In addition to being late, he has no dolly or help, despite the ad saying the dryer was in a basement & you'd have to remove yourself.

He says he will come back with help, I say after 5 would be great. He then asks if he could just see it real quick before coming back and bringing someone over, in case he doesn't want it. So, now I have a decision to make.

I quickly try to assess my likelihood of danger, as every woman has done so, so many times. It's instinct. First, what's his age? Late 60s, early 70s. He's tall but thin. Wearing a wedding ring. Hasn't smiled at me strangely or looked at me for too long. I make a judgment call.

Feeling like he's more likely to be safe than unsafe, and feeling badly about not letting him see the dryer, I invite him in. Once in the basement, he's POSITIVE he can get it out with just a LITTLE help he says, looking at me. Fuck it. I pick up a side.

Walk to the stairs is fine. We're sharing the work. With each stair, I'm feeling more and more of the weight. I'm sweating. Heaving. Pissed. Halfway up the stairs and it feels like he's doing NOTHING. And then I see it. The look on his face.

He's staring at me, hard. Right in the eyes, sly smile on his lips. My hair is matted to my forehead. I can't get a comfortable grip. I'm just about to ask him what's going on - is he even lifting? - when he starts to speak.

"Damn, girl. Look at you. Man, those thighs. Put em to work, huh? That sweat looks good on you. Workin thighs like that, I bet your husband is a happy man. C'mon, show me what you got." I was mortified. And I'm realizing I can't get out. He & a dryer I'm lifting are blocking me.

So I do what women do, lower my eyes, pretend to laugh a little, start lifting faster. The comments and staring hey worse but I try to block them out. As soon as I am free of the basement I walk straight past him to my phone, wait 5 seconds, and say, "honey, the buyer is here!"

And wanna guess what happened? He left without buying it. Was this guy going murder me? Probably not. But I'm not sure. Am I pissed I had to worry about being murdered in my own home because grandpa creeper likes sweaty women? Yeah. Fucker.

The point - other than my being pissed and wanting to tell people - is that events like this, even when we come out ok, take an emotional toll. I was scared. He left more and more of the weight on me & watched me squirm. And now I have one more "thing" that I have to worry about.

So men, if you want to be allies, then recognizing that assault is bad is just the minimum. For every sexual assault, there are thousands of events that don't lead to violence but which scare the shit out of us, especially after our "assessment" turns out to have been wrong.

And obviously, if you ever are in a woman's home alone, whether during a service call or an online sale like this, accept if she's home alone, she's likely done the assessment. Respect her space, don't do gross shit. The basics. Please.

UPDATE: This man just showed up at my house. It's 10pm. Husband answered doorbell, drunk guy mumbles "wrong house" & goes back to his truck. I looked out the window and saw it was him. Tomorrow I'll be here alone with my 4yo while my husband is at work. Terrified in my own house.

UPDATE 2: called the police, they were VERY helpful & said I'm in a great spot for rotating cars to sit outside as much as they can tomorrow. Going to see about taking my little one & spending the day at a friend's house tomorrow just in case. Thank you to everyone for support.

A final comment about this: when I was stuck on the steps with that dryer & he was saying that disgusting shit, I just wanted to escape. I was scared but was calculating how to get out of the situation. Later, as I typed up this story, my fear had given way to rage & disgust.

And then tonight, when he came back, any fantasies I may have harbored earlier while I was typing this story about telling him to fuck off, leave me alone, etc - ALL of those disappeared immediately. I saw him and felt nothing but terror. This wasn't a man who'd physically hurt

me. He didn't rape me. Never even touched n me, in fact. He just said gross shit as I struggled with a heavy appliance. Not that it was nothing, but in the grand scheme of things, my experience was nothing compared to the evil shit people do to each other every day. And yet what

I felt when I saw him tonight was nothing short of terror. I will never, ever, be one of those movie heroines who seeks revenge and stands up for herself to teach the bad guy a lesson. I'm the girl who starts crying & shaking so badly she can't say the words "that's him" clearly

And if I'm being honest, I'm ashamed of that. For all my marching and fist-waving and dreams about screaming at bastards like Kavenaugh in some restaurant one day, the truth is that in the moment, I crumbled. I cried when I typed this update & when I called the police.

The rage that I felt earlier when I told this story hay not have been productive, but it felt good. I enjoyed thinking that this rage would protect & strengthen me if this ever happened again. But then when he showed up, that rage turned to mist. Nothing had changed in me. There

was no newfound bravery or empowerment, no matter how much I wanted it to be so. And that's ok. I know it is ok to be scared. But I could've lived without having my fantasy disproven so quickly. It was warm & made me feel good about myself, and I'll miss it. So, attention you

asshole from letgo. It wasn't enough that you said those things & trapped me in my house & scared me & that my back is killing me now from holding that thing & moving it so fast. It wasn't enough that I'd never felt scared on my house before you showed up here tonight. On top of

all of that, you also took from me any hope that I would be one of those women who could turn fear to strength. I'm not one. But I would've liked to believe I was, & you took that from me, too. And damn it, fuck you for that, whoever you are. Just please, please don't come back.

NEXT DAY UPDATE: To all of the men on here pointing out what I did wrong to bring this on myself, please know I am taking articulate notes with your suggestions and cannot wait to follow your instructions and enjoy my new life of extreme safety

Also, lots more was said/done during the event that was utterly disgusting that I didn't discuss in detail here in order to avoid triggering others. Because that is yet another thing that women do instinctively to protect themselves and one another.

To the men who have reached out and told me they're listening to their wives & believing that this happens to them EVERY DAY - your stories warm my heart. And to the male allies on here standing up to other men while also seeking to improve yourselves - I fucking see and love you

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I felt your fear. I feel your fear. Just read this to my husband and got to the point where you (I) feel ashamed of not actually being a badass before I started crying.

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Thank you. It really did hurt to have to admit that to myself. Because when we combine that with the way that our fears impact our relationship dynamics (how many comments on here are about women waiting to do things until their husbands are around, as if we're

helpless children?) you're left with such weighty feelings of weakness and worthlessness. Am I really so unable to stand up for myself? Am I really someone who cries even when speaking to police/public? And I found that I had minimized some of those feelings after he left by

telling myself "never again. Next time I will be prepared, I'll defend myself, I will tell him he is a monster, etc." Except my lie was gone so quickly - that man stripped me of that already-small snippet of pride just by ringing my doorbell. How many other accomplishments will

I now need to achieve in my life to make up for this horrible feeling? Like I am unable to do anything without a trusty man around? That I am like some skittering kitten running from everything in sight, instead of a complex person with many facets to my personality, one of which

is the ability to take pride in and value myself? Because I tell you what, my friend, that was gone the second I realized that I almost peed my pants just from seeing his face. And my husband knew it and now so does everyone here. I don't like feeling this way.

Because I can tell myself all I want that I am Sara, Notre Dame graduate, attorney, published author, except when it counted I turned into Sara, the crying woman who peed down her own leg & who can't stand today because she hurt her back holding a dryer above herself for too long

And when it comes time for the NEXT guy who is looking for an easy mark, when he looks at me, which Sara will he see? And assuming it is the latter, am I actually INCREASING the chances of this happening to me again? And these thoughts will rob me of sleep for the near future.

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weareemilydoe · 8 years ago

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#SurvivorSunday: Fighting for justice

When I was 14 one of my best friends lived right next door to me, it was awesome, I loved living that close to such a good friend. We frequently had sleepovers at her house, and I spent a lot of time at her house even if I wasn't spending the night. Her mother was married to a Military man who had done multiple tours in Iraq and Afghanistan. I got to know him, I trusted him and I thought he was my friend. When he was on leave we often went to the local lake and swam, talked, watched movie, etc. In February 2008 there was an eclipse and my friend and I stayed up to watch it. There was a hill right next to our houses and we went up the hill despite the snow to get a better view of it that night, her stepfather came with us. When the eclipse was over we went back down the hill and she went home, I stayed out a little longer and talked to her stepfather (remember I thought this man was my friend despite him being 24 at the time and me being 14). He started asking e some really weird questions, and making really weird statements...... "It's been awhile since I've seen anyone's breasts, would you let me see yours?". I said "No" and brushed it off thinking he was tired or just being weird, and forgot about it. Later that year during the summer (I wanna say around June or July) we went to the local lake to swim and he came with us. He was putting girls up on his shoulders and letting them fall back into the water. When my turn came I declined, I'm afraid of heights and I was on my monthly that day and didn't feel comfortable doing it. Needless to say everyone else (including him) spent what felt like a good 10 minutes talking me into it until I finally gave in and did it. After I fell back into the water he smiled at me, and by that I don't mean a normal smile, this was the creepiest smile I had ever seen anyone give someone. In that second I knew that he had felt the tampon I had in to make it so I could go swimming, and I was thoroughly creeped out. Again being me, a very trusting and forgiving person, I thought nothing of it and ignored it, and THAT I still regret to this day. August 13, 2008 was the day my life came to a screeching halt! It was exactly 1 week from my 15th birthday (I was born August 20th) and I decided to spend the night at my best friend's house that night. When we were in her room we started watching scary movies, he came in to join us which wasn't unusual. He was in his boxers which I found weird but it was his house so I thought nothing of it. I was sitting on the end of the bed minding my own business when his foot rubbed up against my genitals, I immediately jumped back further and he continued doing it with his toes, I said nothing. Now to change the subject momentarily, I took ASL (American sign language) the year before in HS as my language credit towards my HS diploma. Now back to that night, he started asking me how to sign specific letters. Me not knowing where this was going I showed him. "How do you sign the letter B?" "How do you sign the letter L?". After I had showed him how to sign all the letters I put them together "Blow Me". It started getting late and we were watching a movie called "Shriek if you know what I did last Friday the 13th". My friend had fallen asleep by this point and her stepfather and I were still awake watching the movie. For some reason he grabbed a blanket, and put it around the both of us. a few minutes later his hand went up my shirt and he started touching my left breast over my bra. At this time he kept telling me "If this makes you feel uncomfortable you can tell me to stop", needless to say I couldn't speak. I started pushing his hand away, but he just kept putting it back. After that his hand went under my bra. He started asking me questions "How big are your boobs?" this was the ONLY time I said anything to him for some reason. I told him I was a D cup, more questions came "Really?" "That's what my bra says"..... I don't know how long this went on for, but eventually I went onto the floor in front of the bed trying to get away from him the only way I knew how, he followed. He continued putting his hands on me. Again I moved, this time back up to the bed in another attempt to get away from him. Again he followed me. After putting his hand back on my left breast he then took my right hand and put it on his genitals. I pulled my hand away multiple times, but I realized there was no point, he just kept putting my hand back on him. He started asking me more questions "Am I the biggest you've ever seen?" To this I said nothing. "Am I the only one you've ever seen?" Again I said nothing. Eventually he went to bed and I layed down and tried my hardest to get to sleep, eventually I did get a few hrs sleep. In the morning I woke up before anyone and went home, I crawled into my mother's bed at 14 yrs of age and bawled my eyes out. When asked what was wrong I lied and said "Nothing, I just missed you". you'd think this would be the end, but sadly it's not. Later that day (around 8pm) I called my dad, his wife (my then stepmother) answered. "You're dad's asleep" she said. I again started bawling my eyes out and screamed into the phone "Well you need to wake him up, I was molested last night". She immediately woke my dad up, and I told him everything through the crying. I then had the hard task of calling my mom at work and telling her she needed to come home. When everyone (both of my parents) finally got to my mom's apartment around 10pm we called the police so I could give my statement. When the police got there around 10:30 I started giving my statement. The man I had once been friends with, the man I had trusted, came down to my apartment in the middle of me giving my statement (around 11pm) to ask if everything was ok and to ask my mother if she could cut his stepdaughter's hair the next day. My dad later told me all the color drained out of my entire body when I saw him at the door. My mom not wanting him to know what was happening told him "It's a family matter, and yes I'll cut her hair tomorrow" (my mom cut hair for a living). After again asking if everything my dad stepped outside with this man and told him yet again it was a family matter and he should leave (I don't know how my dad did this, I could see it in my dad's face he wanted to hurt this man). After finishing my statement the officer said he would talk to the man the next day and get in contact with us about what would happen with the case, we never heard from the officer again. My mom sent me to my dad's house for the remainder of the summer break from school. This man was in the military, had guns, and my mother feared for my life. I don't blame her one bit. Again you'd think this is where it ends, but again sadly no. 2 days after being sexually assaulted my stepmother wanted me to walk the dog. I said "No, I don't want to go outside" she proceeded to tell me to "get over it" I started bawling, and swearing at her, yelling "I just want my dad". I was told if I didn't stop swearing I would be sent back to my mom's house. Years later we finally heard back from the police, more girls had come forward about the same man, and they wanted to retake my statement. I gave them my statement again. In 2014 he was FINALLY arrested abusing another girl. I was contacted and asked to speak via telephone about what he had done to me, I was hesitant, but I did. His lawyer proceeded to ask me questions that I still to this day don't understand. "Why were there 2 different times on each statement about what time you left his house that morning?" I kept calm and said that I didn't know I given different times for each statement. She asked me even more ridiculous questions, she basically wound up making it seem like I had made the whole thing up and that I was just a slut...... He was found INNOCENT! In January 2017 he was arrested yet again for abusing yet another girl. He his now on the sex offender registry. He got 5 yrs ALL suspended, 4 yrs of probation, and has to be on the sex offender registry for 10 yrs. I never got justice for what he did to me, but at least someone did.

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