#he doesn't wanna buy anything [read: a vision] tHANK YOU

[balladccr]

@unpiety started following balladccr

hisses in electro supremacy

[cangelgifs]

Saw some really bad anti-Cordelia/anti-Cangel opinions but I’m being so brave about it. In all seriousness though, what do you say to people who think Season 3 regresses on cordelia’s development for the sake of the romance plot? I think it’s an unbelievably wrong take that clearly has no appreciation for her character whatsoever but I’d like to hear your takes.

So, I do think we lose some of Cordy’s POV in the second half of S3 once she becomes a ‘romance interest’ but I don’t see this as a flaw on Cangel’s part. Moreover, I see it as a flaw of the show itself AKA having too many male writers in the writers room.

However, I don’t think her character is regressed at all. S3 has some of the most amazing growth for her character in the show. "So - demonize me already” is one of the best Cordelia moments across both series.

I'm going to quote Nika_83 here because she said it better than I could:

"I say they also don't know the meaning of the word regression. Which is to go backwards. At no point in season 3 does cordy slide back in to season 1 btvs behavior. So that's pattently wrong. Rather she is way more selfless and giving. This all makes sense given what she has seen and experienced. She literally feels the pain of the visions. She wants to help those people. And selfishly she wants to be important to angel and the cause. And she still maintains that "materialism' she always had with loving nice things, being bought out by clothes, loving being pylea princess, etc. Which is a part of her as a character and can be a flaw but that doesn't override her need to save others, or herself."

I don’t know the posts your referring to specifically but common arguments I see for S3 are:

She’s become a Mary-Sue/Saint Cordy. 

Angel on Top has a good response to that: “She's in this relationship with Groo that we already discussed as being, like, flawed in various ways and has a certain amount of denial baked into it. Like that is imperfect. And she also tries to read what is going on with Gunn and is completely wrong as well. Like, she’s also, like, there’s human error happening still with her. Like I don’t think she is—god forbid I use the Mary Sue word–she’s like not doing that kind of stuff. I do think Cordelia would be inherently less interesting if she was suddenly perfect and never did anything wrong ever in her life. But, you know, she’s still Cordelia. She’s still, like, making some mistakes and being a little too abrasive every once in a while. Like, I don’t subscribe to that.”

“Angel's feelings are the only ones I care about” - The Price; ‘she’s become too focused on Angel’

I think saying ‘oh, all she cares about is Angel’ is oversimplifying it greatly and missing the point. Yes, she cares about Angel and always has (see 1x22 when she buys him art supplies to make him feel better and “Well, he's gonna have to start wanting things from life, whether he wants to or not!”). This is nothing new. I think in the overall context of what’s going on in S3 at that time, it makes sense. I think she is prioritizing Angel and focusing on Angel’s grief over losing Connor to protect herself from her own grief. If she keeps busy taking care of Angel, she won’t have to feel the pain/loss herself. Also we know Cordy is guilty of downplaying her own pain to her own detriment (her hiding that the visions were literally killing her!) so sadly this is in character for her.

Thanks for the ask!

--whatisyourchildhoodtrauma

I also wanna hop in here and say that I completely agree with everything that has been said and I also wanna add that even if you completely strip away the romantic subtext of s3, Cordelia would be the same person that she was in that season because two things are very true. One, that her life would still be very much intertwined with Angel's because that's the nature of him being the protagonist--similar to how Cordy's life was very much intertwined with Buffy's on BTVS--and two, her growth over the last seasons (and arguably since BTVS) would still lead her to the place that she wound up. She didn't grow to the kind hearted, loving person who cares more about the mission than money that we see in s3 because of Angel or for Angel. She grew because she was presented time and time again with a worldview and a mission that was bigger and more important than herself and it shaped her and facilitated her growth into the person she became.

I also gotta point out that the argument in itself feels kind of sexist as if a woman can’t have positive growth unless it’s attributed to shipping her with a man. Not to mention that the "Saint Cordy" moniker also feels sexist because it both diminishes her growth and patronizes her. Essentially it paints her as this super perfect saint of a person instead of talking about how much she's grown or the sacrifices that she's had to make in order to get where she is in canon or even talking about the mistakes she does make/flaws she does have in the back half of s3. Not to mention it also is used to not talk about the real issues of the back part of s3 and how that twisted into the narrative of s4 (which is a very sexist narrative with many flaws). It's just is like "oh she's saint cordelia now" and doesn't leave much, if any, room for deeper discussions. Not to mention it also paints this narrative of "a woman has to be suffering constantly or tormented in order to be viewed as a flawed, complex person" which is both gross and incorrect.

Again, super agree with everything that has been said and this was a very good question, thank you for the ask!

-- someonefantastic

[googoojeu]

[ untitled, 3:18 am ]

jungwon thinks he's gonna die from the heat.

he swats at a nearby fly while waiting for ni-ki to emerge from their old but seemingly, still there tree house. on days like this, he doesn't mind the summer heat, but when he sees you making your way down the street to fetch your sister from dance class, he's fully aware of what he looks like at the moment. his shirt is sticking to his skin, his lips are chapped and he has a scrape on his knee from when ni-ki pushed him too hard while bickering about which star trek movie was the best. he looks away for a moment, his heart doing somersaults because you looked gorgeous. was it the sun shining down on you as you looked sideways before crossing the street? or was it the heat getting to him?

scratch that.

he thinks he's gonna die from how fast his heart had been palpitating for the past minute.

"hey jungwon!" and you sound like an angel. jungwon feels like he's gonna faint once he looks at you, but when he does, you were gone. you were already halfway down the block and it looks like you weren't bothered that he didn't greet you back.

"that was a sad sight to see." jungwon yelps at his best friend's statement. ni-ki snickers at him as he jumps off the makeshift ladder. "and i thought you told them that you liked them?" ni-ki questions him as they make their way to the lake. jungwon scratches his head. the countless times jungwon tried to confess to you but there's always an obstacle (read: ni-ki), so he prefers to just keep to himself and not say anything. so, jungwon just shakes his head while ni-ki sighs. "you're gonna lose your chance, i tell you. i heard they're really popular at their sister's dance studio." and for the nth time today, jungwon just thinks he's gonna die from the heat.

later that day, he finds himself at the tree house again. as he sits on the balcony, his feet dangling above the ground and his hands busy reassembling the robot ni-ki decided to buy and then break, because in verbatim, "it's my money punk, so why not?"

he's already halfway done when he spots you in his peripheral vision, holding two milkshakes from the local diner. his throat goes dry as he sees you stop at the house next to the tree house, greeting the lady, mrs. jung (jungwon doesn't know her, but ni-ki says she owns a flower shop and has two sons, which heeseung replies with "she's a teacher, nishimura"). you bid mrs. jung a goodbye before stopping again, but this time, jungwon sees you at the foot of the tree.

"hi jungwon!" you chirp. he gives a half-hearted wave and goes back to fixing the robot. "can i come up?" jungwon's grip on the screwdriver comes loose and it tumbles down next to you. both of you eye it before he speaks up, "can you uh, can you get that before you come up?" you nodded, shifting the other milkshake to your arm and picking up the screwdriver.

once you were settled down next to him, jungwon swears he thinks the heat (read again: you) is gonna kill him. as you handed him the other milkshake, his fingers brushed yours and he thinks they were soft. oh shut up brain, he thinks. he thanks you and proceeds to take a sip. "i heard you like me," and then he chokes. you rub circles on his back as he calms himself. "who told you that?!" he exclaims once he was good. you smiled, "riki, he told me while i bought the milkshakes." screw you nishimura, but thank you, he thinks. "i-i do but do you um, do you like me t-too?" you roll your eyes. "duh, i wouldn't buy you a milkshake with my summer money if i didn't like you."

jungwon's brain short circuits and just like the robot he's fixing, it's wires are now tangled and in dire need of help. "you do?" he's confused. he turns to you and finds you looking at him, the redness on your cheeks are evident, mirroring his. "oh my god, you do." you laughed. "of course i do," you say softly. "well jungwon, it's summer, do you… wanna hang out sometime? i know an extra room in the dance studio, i heard you like to dance." he nods his head, "sure, that sounds nice." you smile at him once again before telling him you had to go, your mom is probably looking for you. you kissed his cheek before going down the ladder, leaving a dazed jungwon sitting there, the milkshake sitting next to him is turning warm. he touches his cheek and giggles.

he shakes his head and grabs the robot to continue fixing it. the same robot that witnessed a blossoming summer romance.

shy!jungwon x equally shy but energetic!gn reader | fluff! | warnings: none | 823 words | not proofread, tho im proud of this one,,, jungwon has been coming for my bias list these days lmao, feedback would be much appreciated! my asks and inbox are always open <333

[rose-colored-amy]

So, this is a continuation to my extremely short one-shot Last Moments, Last Regrets, but it can be read as a stand-alone. Regardless, I'll leave the link of that one in here:

Also, thanks to @coeurhh for suggesting I write a second part. You're a sweetheart 🥰

She made a lovely fanart/gif, which I'm also sharing, of course:

Prompt: AU. Sakura's death goes unnoticed to everyone but the squad she protected with her life and Tsunade. Team Kakashi doesn't find out until the very end, when Naruto and Sasuke have already had their fight, and there's nothing to do about it but mourn the absence.

Warning: Mild Sasusaku and lots of angst. Team 7 sort-of-fluff (?)

—Blue Bird, Let Go—

"Hey, bastard... I know they really let us down, the village, I mean."

"Aa... "

"But I really think it's not all that bad. When we were I team, I knew you understood. It felt like having a brother, believe it."

They were watching their lives go by, shadows of unknown faces passing by them, not noticing their pain, or not caring whatsoever. Their backs were touching, but it was all cold and bleak; a bad memory. A clan slaughtered, a demon sealed. Two lonely boys wallowing in their own sadness.

"Well, even if I don't make it, I'm glad it was you, bastard—"

"Shut up, idiot." His voice sounded strained, even for his standards, but Sasuke was so tired he couldn't even bring himself to care.

"We're really dying, ah? Wanna say something? I do have things to say, 'cause there's no way I'm dying—"

"In silence?" Sasuke interrupted, but Naruto payed him no mind.

"Without telling you how much of an asshole you've been! I couldn't even keep my promise to Sakura-chan! She's gonna be so damn mad when she finds out, I'm sure she'll drag me back to life just to cave my face in—" He was rambling at that point, but it was just so comforting and normal to Sasuke that he didn't even acknowledge it anymore.

"Hn. Sakura... She..."

"She still loves you, asshole. I don't have any idea how it can be possible but—"

"I'm sorry..." It sounded rushed, but Naruto heard it perfectly, and in the darkness of their shared consciousness, Sasuke heard a resigned sigh.

"Well, it's not that bad. I cannot imagine dying beside anyone but you, bastard."

"Idiot..." He made a pause. "Me neither."

"You're both a pair of idiots!"

Suddenly, the unreadable mass of unrecognizable faces around them cleared, and one figure stood in front of them, pink eyebrows frowned in annoyance. Though this version of Sakura looked familiar, it was one none of the boys had seen in a long time. Genin, long-haired, Sakura was glaring at them, arms crossed.

"Sakura-chan! What are you doing in here?!"

Her eyes softened. "What, so I'm supposed to let you two die, after everything? No way in hell!"

"Sakura..."

"You!" She pointed at Sasuke, who flinched slightly at her rudeness. "I don't know what the hell happened, but I don't care. Lighten up and start being your moody self. We love you just like that! Don't act so repented and shit! If you're sorry stop looking like a lost puppy and start doing something about it, you asshole!" Her voice was raising with madness and it was slightly off putting to see what used to be a stuttering lovestruck preteen talking to him like that.

Naruto snorted at that, obviously delighted for not being at the receiving end of her wrath for once. It was short-lived, however.

"And you!" She pointed at the blonde; then crossed her arms. He jumped back in fright. "What is this? How dare you even consider dying after you promised to be the best goddamned Hokage in history?! Here I am, rooting for you, while you lay around like a lazy pig with your edgy bro there. You should be ashamed of yourself!" She scoffed.

Naruto's mouth was so wide open he could have caught a fly. "Lazy pig? Are you kidding?!"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, half amused, half annoyed. "Edgy?"

Suddenly, the edges of their vision began to blurr, like a genjutsu being unravelled. "Ah, someone came to help you at last." Sakura seemed relieved. Strangely so.

"Hey, Sakura-chan! You know what? You're right. I'll be the best damn Hokage ever, believe it! Just you watch!" He threw a punch to the air.

Seemingly placated and pleased with his answer, she nodded. "I know so." Then, she turned to her other teammate, who was concentrating solely on her face, mismatched eyes softened as they'll ever be. "And you'll make sure he doesn't mess up, right?"

They shared a long silence. There was something strange about Sakura aside her appearance. He could tell. "Hn. I will..."

"Hey! I don't need him watching over—"

"Sure you don't." He countered sarcastically.

"Also..." They turned to her again. "I'm sorry."

"Wha—" Naruto stuttered. "What the hell would you be sorry for, Sakura-chan?! If anything, it's the bastard here who should be apologizing to you!"

"Sakura..." Sasuke seemed to be searching for the right words, but she couldn't let them go without them listening to her. To what she needed them to know. There wasn't much time left after all.

"I'm sorry, because I wasn't what you needed..." She closed her eyes, her pretty minty orbs. Her appearance suddenly shifted, before then now standing her true self, still dressed in the standard shinobi uniform of the alliance. Her forehead protector lost to whoever knows where. "And thank you. You both made me stronger. You made me appreciate what I had. And I'll always, always love you. Our moments together like team seven... I'll treasure them for all eternity."

"Sakura-chan..."

"I know Konoha wasn't the best to you both, but don't forget the good... The wholesome moments. It's all that matters in the end... Our bonds, the bonds you managed to forge with sweat and blood... The world we live in, the world that gave me the chance to meet you. To me, that's to be cherished. Forever."

The white light started overwhelming the rest. Even Sakura's features started dissapearing.

"Live. Just live." For that, she specifically stared at Sasuke, a soft smile playing on her lips. "And thank you."

Sasuke started racing towards her, hand stretched, a forebonding understanding shaking his bones. "Sakura!"

And then, they both lost consciousness.

When they woke up, aside from feeling like shit, the first thing that crossed their minds what the finality of Sakura's words. Tsunade was beside them, patching them up, with Kakashi beside her, silently watching over them.

"About time, brats! What were you think—"

"Baa-san." Naruto interrupted her, his voice the most serious she had heard him until then.

"Where's Sakura?" Sasuke finished for him, his eyes icy and detached, trying to keep his worry at bay.

But she didn't need to answer. Her chakra flow hesitated, spiking with sorrow. Her eyes glistening with unbearable loss. Kakashi, at her side, stared, eyes widened in comprehension.

She was gone by a long shot.

And they were just finding out.

...

Everybody had different ways of dealing with loss. Naruto helped rebuild the village along with everyone else, but he skipped his usual meals, his ramen left forgotten in his kitchen counter. His movements when sparring were sloppy at best, not just because of the new prosthetic limb, but also because his mind was clearly somewhere else. Usually, Shikamaru would drag him out his makeship house, like he had done when Jiraija was gone for good. Sometimes, he would bring Ino with him, who was suspiciously skinny and messier than normal. No makeup covering the dark circles under her eyes.

Kakashi spent more than usual at the memorial stone every day, tracing the newly marked name of the girl who once remained him of Rin but that had come to claim a place for herself in his heart. Also, he took more missions than it was allowed in a month, going so far as to pick up his ANBU mask again, which caused an altercation with Tsunade, who hadn't been sober in a long time and had been hoping to hand the Hokage seat to him.

Sai avoided the color pink for a long time.

Sasuke... Well, he dealed with loss the same as everyone else... Longing for the missing person to be there, itching to have the opportunity to say what he couldn't at the time. Wanting to be alone whenever they would reach for him... And he built a tomb for her in hopes to find some closure. Not that official, because there wasn't a body to bury, and it had no name, but it was enough for him. He would bring with him camellias every day, buying them at the Yamanaka's, where Ino would always glance at him in silent understanding.

One morning, on his way to her tomb, he spotted a young shinobi leaving a white lilly for her. When he came by, the child spoke without a care, like they were acquaintances. "This is Sakura-san's, right?"

"Hn." It wasn't really an answer, but the child seemed to understand anyway.

"You know? Mama and big sister are also buried in these grounds... I always talk to them and tell them about my day and stuff I want them to know!" He turned to the Uchiha, a smirk on his cherubic face. "I'm sure she would appreciate it as well." And just like that, he left without another word.

Sasuke sat on the ground, just in front of the stone, mismatched eyes half lidded. Sensing no one in the vicinity, he exaled a shaky breath, and his dam opened up, the words longing to be said broke the silence he had been wrapping around himself since he knew of her death:

"I miss you... I've been missing you since I first left."

[bidoldaccount]

Luke Patterson // Miscommunication

"Where are you going?" You ask as you watch Alex fix his hair.

"Me, Julie, Reggie, and Layla are going to the movies," he said distractedly.

"Oh, that sounds fun. Can I come?" You asked with a small, hopeful smile. He had asked you to come over and help him with his math homework but an hour in, halfway through the worksheet he had gotten a text and dropped his pencil.

"Oh, Layla already bought our tickets," he said, sliding his hands through his hair once more.

"I can buy my own ticket," you laugh breathily.

"Well we're going to get dinner after and Layla made the reservations," he said, not looking up from the laces of his shoes.

"Okay, do you want to hang out later?" You asked.

"Maybe tomorrow. I'll text you, okay?" He ruffled your hair before he was leaving the room, leaving you alone in his space. You felt almost like a little sibling, too young to hang out with the older kids. You swallowed it down, assuring yourself that you were just reading too much into previously made plans. You shake it off as you pack up your stuff.

-

To Julie: you wanna hang out?

From Julie: I kinda already have plans :/

To Julie: okay, maybe another time? :)

Read

To Reggie: you busy?

From Reggie: yeah, got plans.

To Reggie: oh okay :)

Read

To Alex: you wanna do something?

From Alex: sorry babes, plans.

To Alex: wyd?

Read

You throw your phone down and link your fingers on your stomach, staring up at the ceiling as you process. All of your friends are together right now and none of them invited you.

Except Luke.

-

"Babe?" You whispered to yourself. Reggie never called you babe. He called you 'sport' and 'kid' to be a dick because you're the youngest. You shake your head, trying to force the entire text conversation out of your head as you grab your book from your locker.

"Yo," you flinch when someone appears beside you, and your cheeks flare up when Luke comes into your vision. The butterflies in your stomach are very quickly squashed when you remember Reggie's words. "You wanna hang out later?" Luke asked, poking your cheek.

"Um, I can't, my mom needs me to pick up my brother from school," you said, staring into your locker to avoid his eyes.

"I can drive you there," he offered, ducking his head to try and catch your eyes.

"I um, I have a lot on my mind so I'm just going to walk, but thanks Luke," you give him a halfhearted smile, slam your locker shut, and turn to walk away. Luke calls your name but he doesn't try and chase after you.

-

"Where have you been, I feel like I haven't seen you in years," Alex said as he climbed onto your bed and draped his entire body over your back. You grunted, hiding your face under the covers as he took it upon himself to cuddle you.

"I saw you at school today," you muttered into your blankets.

"No, I saw you, I said hi, and you ran away," Alex corrected.

"I didn't run away," you mumbled. Alex tugged the blankets down to reveal your face and he smiled softly at you.

"Whats going on?" He whispered. You sighed, rolling over until you were on your back and he was beside you. He brushed your hair away from your forehead and waited patiently as you worked up the courage to say what you were thinking.

"I feel silly," you covered your face with your hands as you groaned.

"For what?" Alex pushed.

"Cause I feel left out," you whispered.

"What? All you have to do is text me and I'd be here within the minute. You're like my favorite person ever, Y/n," Alex chuckled.

"Alex," you uncover your face to look at him. "I've texted you every day this week and you keep telling me you're busy," you said.

"What?" Alex furrowed his eyebrows. "No, I've been texting you nonstop, you haven't answered." Alex struggled to lift his hips and pull out his phone, then he showed you messages of your name and a long two of texts from him. You click on the contact with your name and your forehead creased.

"Alex, this isn't even my number!" You said.

"What?" He took his phone back. You pulled your phone out and showed him your message thread, with all of your messages. Alex grabbed your phone and tried to call his phone.

His phone didn't ring.

"Okay, this is weird," Alex mumbled.

"Wait," you looked down at your phone, eyebrows furrowed. "Look at these texts from Reggie. I thought it was really weird that he called me 'babe' because he's never done that," you showed Alex the thread and he furrowed his eyebrows. Alex looked up at you with a slack face of realization.

"Layla calls everyone 'babe'," he said.

"Layla? Why would she text me as Reggie?" You asked.

"She likes Luke!" Alex exclaimed, making you flinch. "She likes Luke, you like Luke, and Luke obviously likes you, it makes so much sense," he smacked his forehead.

"Luke doesn't even like me though," you deflected.

"Now's not the time for denial, we have a bitch to bust," he jumped up from your bed and dragged you out of it.

"Don't say anything like that ever again," you laughed as he tried to pull you out of your room. "Alex! Wait, i need clothes!"

-

"Y/n!" Julie cheered as Alex tugged you into Layla living room.

"Hey guys," you wave a bit shyly, which is off character at this point.

"Please tell me you're staying," Reggie pouted.

"Actually, we're here for a bit of an interrogation," Alex said, crossing his arms as he looked over at Layla. She raised her eyebrows with a look of innocence.

"Raise your hand if you've texted Y/n at all this week," Alex said. Only Luke raised his hand.

"I've tried, but she hasn't answered," Julie said.

"Yeah, same here," Reggie nodded.

"Yeah, I thought it was weird that she hasn't been around so I went over to her house. We made some pretty shocking discoveries too," Alex took your phone from your hand and opened up the messages that Reggie had supposedly sent you. "Do you remember sending these messages, Reggie?" Alex asked, handing him the phone. Reggie read them over and his face twisted up.

"What the hell? No, I didn't send any of these," he said.

"Let me see," Luke reached for the phone.

"No, Luke, wait," you tried to grab it but it was already in his hand and he was already reading them. You muttered a curse as you tried to hide behind your hand, stepping a bit behind Alex.

"Oh," he whispered. "I never said that!" He assured, pointing to the phone.

"I don't think any of us have been talking for ourself. Layla, anything to say?" Alex turned to her with an icy expression.

"Why would I have anything to do with this?" She said, raising her hands and softening her eyes.

"Because you've been trying to throw yourself at Luke since we met you and you knew they liked each other," Julie said, standing up and walking to your side, crossing her arms as Alex was.

"I wouldn't do anything this manipulative or sneaky, that's not who I am! I genuinely like you guys, I wouldn't do anything to betray your trust! Why-" she was cut off as her phone started to ring. Alex smirked, turning Y/n's towards her, Reggies name flashing on the contact.

"You changed our numbers so our messages would go to your phone and had Y/n believing that we were icing her out. As far as I'm concerned, you're a jealous, manipulative bitch," Alex smiled like he'd just complimented her shoes.

"Let's go," Julie demanded, ushering everyone out of the house.

"Whatever! You're all lame anyways!" Layla screamed, her face red.

"Everyone to Y/n's house, we have some serious bonding to do," Reggie said, ruffling Y/n's hair. Luke grabbed Y/n's wrist before she could walk to Alex's car, and tugged her back. He cupped her jaw and held her waist and leaned in to press his lips to hers. She melted into it instantly, trusting that her knees wouldn't buckle and if they did, trusting he would catch her.

"Okay, maybe not that much bonding," Reggie laughed.

"Eh, let them have their moment, they've been pining long enough," Julie said, waving them away.

You wrapped your arms around Luke's shoulders and pressed you chest against his, kissing him harder.

Im sorry if you read this without the visuals, I didn’t realize I didn’t upload them :)

[thou-crusty-batch-of-nature]

The rise and fall of our love

part one | part two

playlist: broken by jake bugg

no.1 party anthem by arctic monkeys

pairing: james x reader, james x lily 

warnings: language, angst, fluff 

A/N: sooo im back with part two!!! thank you for the fantastic feedback and appreciation you gave me on the first part, and i hope this lives up to your expectations!!!! sending all the love xoxo

masterlist

(moodboard made by me)

"How is he?" 

"Y/N…" Remus began, putting down his quill. Your gaze never left the essay in front of him, refusing to see the pity that his stare held. Because that - that glint in his eyes, the way the right corner of his mouth lifted in a poor attempt of a smile - that was pity. 

You shook your head softly. How did it get here? 

"Am I not allowed to know? He won't speak to me or look at me. I almost feel guilty even though I know I haven't done anything wrong." 

"James is…"

"A fool." 

You knew he was trying not to smile. "Yes, that is the obvious answer. But he is still with Lily." 

Of course he is. What he said that day - or rather what he smelt - has been the talk of the school for weeks. People were staring at you in the halls, pointing behind your back - so much that you stopped hanging out anywhere else besides your dorm and the library. 

And James - he never bothered to say anything to you. It hurt more than you expected to, but you didn't let it show. I am fine, you said every time one of your friends asked. Then, you would smile kindly and change the subject. You would see them exchange worried glances - you pretended you didn't notice. Soon they stopped asking, and you stopped pretending. 

"Do they love each other?" Something in your pathetic heart broke at the quiver in your voice. Love.

Love. Never in your life have you heard a more overrated word. So much loss, so much damage made for love. Was it really worth it? The way your stomach dropped and the slight tremble of your lip, the ache that would just not go away - were these the cost of love? 

You lifted your head, meeting his gaze. He watched you in awe - as if he read the truth in your eyes. You felt the tears roll on your cheeks, hitting the parchments sprawled on your desk. You let them fall. He opened his mouth, then closed it. 

"I understand." you whispered. 

You got up, but Remus caught your hand. 

"Do you…?" 

You smiled softly. "Does it matter anymore?" 

He let go of your hand and you walked away. 

×××

"Hogsmeade, today?" Sirius asked as he plopped down next to you. He took a big bite of your sandwich - and noticing your icy glare, he put his hand over your shoulder and pressed a sloppy kiss on your cheek. You pushed him off you and wiped your face. 

"Bloody hell! You even kiss like a dog!" you retorted. 

"No, I don't." 

"No, he doesn't." Marlene smirked and you rolled your eyes. 

"Hogsmeade, you were saying?" 

"Yes - Remus and Lily are busy with their important top-secret prefect duties and James has quidditch practice, so it'll be just us. I guess you don't mind third-wheeling for a bit." 

"Can't wait!" you feigned excitement. 

×××

It was freezing, to say the least. You were glad you had two pairs of socks on, otherwise you might have had to postpone the trip and pay a visit to the hospital wing instead. 

"I don't sound like that!" Sirius whined, handing you and Marlene your butterbeer - you've decided to stop at The Three Broomsticks. 

"Of course you do, darling. And may I add that you look ravishing." you purred in your best impression of Sirius' voice. Then, you turned to Marlene and winked. "You are the most gorgeous person in here."

"Careful, that's not true." a voice caught your attention. No, no no no.

"Oi - Prongs, mate! Thought you had quidditch practice!" Sirius clapped him on the shoulder. 

"Got cancelled because of the snow. Hello." he nodded and smiled towards you and Marlene, then pulled a chair at the table. It was the first time he's talked to you in weeks. 

You didn't bother to answer. In fact, you didn't even look at him. The rest of your stay at the pub passed in a haze, with careless answers and quick nods. 

×××

Before you knew it, you were left on a bench with James, waiting for the others to "buy some quills from Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop", as they were in big need of "quills" and "didn't have any left to write the Transfiguration essay we had due Wednesday". Oh, if only you had Transfiguration on Wednesdays! 

"So… how have you been?" James trailed off, rubbing his neck. Ah, so that's how he wanted to play this game.Too bad. 

"Why, James?" you ask, gazing at the shops in front of you. "Why did you ignore me? What happened that day?" 

He sighed. "I don't know. I- I made a mistake. You shouldn't have found out, not like that." 

"You have some guts, don't you?" you spat. 

"Excuse me?" You faced him. That face - the face you dreamt about, the one you kept telling yourself you hated - you missed that face, you missed him so much that you were glad you were sitting down, for you might as well have fallen to your knees. 

"Do you know how it is," you started, feeling the tears pooling in your eyes, "to feel so alone that you find yourself crying without a reason? Do you know how it feels to spend your nights wondering why you weren't enough - what you did to deserve this? Even if you did nothing wrong?"

"Do you know how it's like to watch the person you love drift away from you? To watch that person become a stranger? Do you know how it felt to know that you wouldn't even look at me?" You were now shouting. "Tell me, James! Look me in the eyes and tell me!" 

Silence. You watched him trying to find an answer and you silently begged him to say something. 

"Do you love me?" he whispered incredulously. Not that. 

"Would it change anything if I said I do?" 

"I don't know."

"Do you still love her?" You couldn't say her name. 

"I don't know." He let his head fall in his hands. For the first time in weeks, you laughed. You laughed until your vision went blurry, until you felt the salty taste of your tears. 

"You know nothing, James Potter." you sneered, then got up. 

You made your way back to the castle alone. 

×××

"Guys guys I have the most amazing idea." Sirius came rushing in the Great Hall, managing to trip and almost fall. He quickly regained his composure and continued running as if nothing had happened. 

"That's new." Remus said while reading the prophet. 

It's been weeks since that night in Hogsmeade, weeks in which you've avoided James at all costs, despite his numerous attempts at conversation. 

"I'll choose to ignore that." Sirius glared at his friend, then continued. "Don't you all want to go for a dip?" 

"I think I speak for all of us when I say that I do not intend to die in the freezing lake on a lovely day of winter." You scowl, munching on your pastries. You loved pastries. (mood) 

Sirius smirked. "I'm glad you are all so joyous so early in the morning, but for your knowledge, I wasn't talking about the lake. My dear, smartass friends, I was thinking of crashing the Prefects bathroom!" 

That got your attention. You looked at Remus full of hope and he shrugged. 

"And how exactly are we going to do that? "

"Well, this is where our prefect friends come in handy."

"Lily would never help you do this." James cuts in. 

"That's why I wasn't planning on inviting her." Much to your surprise James didn't object. "You forgot about our other prefect friend - and I'm looking at you, Moony." 

You all looked at Remus who seemed a tad bit uncomfortable. "I guess - alright? But if anyone catches us, it's your fault." he pointed his finger at Sirius. 

"I solemnly swear." He put his hand over his heart, then winked. 

×××

"Looks like your plan to ignore James isn't gonna last." Marlene said while stuffing all the towels she could find in her bag. 

"I'm aware of that." You really were. You've mentally prepared yourself to spend the night in the same room with him for the past week. "Ready? The boys are waiting." 

"Yeah, let's go." You were to go to the bathroom in groups of three using the cloak, then spend the night there. 

"Alright," Sirius' head popped from under the cloak "we'll go together - Remus, James and Peter are already there. Come on." he whispered. 

You got to the bathroom in no time and you could feel the butterflies in your stomach. You felt pathetic - you were all going to hang out as friends. 

Marlene's hand squeezed yours - everything will be alright. It was your thing; back in the day, you used to do this every time the other would be anxious about something. You looked at her and smiled, squeezing back twice - I know. 

You entered and your mouth flew open.  You've never seen a more luxurious bathroom before. The "bathtub" was easily the size of a medium sized pool. Greek caryatids held the archways, and the stained glass windows reflected their patterns on the marble floor tiles. 

"I suddenly feel bad for not working harder to be a prefect - if I had known this would be my bathroom, I would've gladly learnt the entire History of Magic coursebook by heart" Marlene said, with a small pout on her face and her arms crossed. 

"Same here." Your gaze followed the sculptures on the ceiling and slowly fell on him. He looked angelic - the way the coloured moonlight caressed his face, the faint blush on his cheeks - made him part of the setting. 

There was no point in lying to yourself. You liked him, despite everything he's done, everything he's said, you continued to like him. All those comforting lies you've said were trying to cover the inevitable truth, the truth which had been well hidden somewhere deep inside your soul. Until now. 

You stripped out of your clothes, fully aware of his impertinent stare. You stepped into the pool, sighing in pleasure at the warmth of the water. 

"Wanna play anything?" you asked no one in particular. 

"Oh, we should play shoulder wars!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly.

"I think I'm gonna skip this!" Peter announced from his chair. 

You looked at James, then turned to Remus. You rose your eyebrows inquisitively, and he smiled kindly. 

"I guess imma skip this one as well." James said, slightly disappointed. 

"Come on, Marls, we gotta kick some ass."

And so did the games begin. 

×××

You were trying, and failing miserably to keep your balance on Remus' shoulders. 

"Haha- losers!" Marlene laughed. It was your sixth time losing.

"Y/N, I think I'll give up now, before this becomes too humiliating." Remus said while getting out of the water and pulling out his book. 

"No Remus, you can't give up now! I know we can do this!" you saw him sit comfortably in an armchair, and something clicked into your mind. "You ditch me to read? And sabotaged me? Remus John Lupin, I'm disappointed."

"Take Prongs instead, he's far more competitive than I am." he smiled innocently. So this was his plan. 

You turned to James, and he got up excitedly. You got on his shoulders, and his hands tentatively touched your legs. You saw Marlene and Sirius smirking and you glared at them. 

×××

The score was close. It was the match point. Marlene was desperately trying to push you when you came up with the winning idea. You splashed some water into her face, obstructing her vision. Then, you tickled her and she fell. 

"And that's how it's done!" you shout, raising your fist. Marlene's head appeared from under the water, clearly mad. 

"That was not fair!" 

"There's no such thing as fair!" Marlene smirked, as if she was saying oh, really? and pushed James with such brute strength that he fell, taking you with him. 

He caught you before your head could hit the bottom. He lifted you up bridal style and you put your left hand around his neck and moved the other one from your nose to his shoulder. You stayed in his arms, not wanting to let go. You were gazing into each other's eyes, breathing heavily, when it hit you. 

You loved him. 

And he was still with Lily. 

You pulled away from his embrace, breaking the stare. "It's not right - Lily…" you mutter, getting out of the water. 

The others seemed all deeply interested in Remus' book. You could even hear Sirius asking questions about the plot. You turned away; James was still in the pool, in the same place, trying to make out the meaning of what happened. 

It wasn't fair. 

Life wasn't fair. 

<3

stay tuned for the next part and lmk what you think❤️

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