#he deserves a raise and a month of PTO for that alone in my opinion

[izzy-b-hands]

The PP IT guy admitting he's the only one available to help prep and do chart work for telehealth appts is. Something. Makes me feel for everyone working there rn even more than usual

(did also gently say to him to maybe not mention that to anyone else bc like. That's not necessarily on with good practices re: chart work in my experience at the old clinic job, but also I personally don't care bc he's v nice and I trust him with my info. Others might not tho when they're expecting a nurse or a nurse tech/etc role to be calling ahead of the appt instead)

[tifarobles]

Sanity Check: Inside Mental Health

I will be alright. Everything is going to be fine. I promise.

At least that’s what I kept trying to tell myself. I had to. It had to be okay.

That’s how I got through 3 years of turbulent ups and downs and falling deeper into a debilitating anxiety disorder that seemed to be triggered by my miscarriage.

I was 16 when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wanted to do all I could to avoid being dependent on pharmaceuticals. I’d experienced my mother going through a terrible time trying to stop taking Paxil and I didn’t want to go through that. I wanted to find other ways to deal with my disorder. I did a decent job most of the time. In fact, I don’t think many people even knew I was bipolar. It pretty much only impacted my romantic relationships and very close friendships.

I can point to exact times in my life when I knew I’d been depressed and even more times when I knew I’d been in pretty serious manic episodes. It was usually after a huge life change. It seemed like my body’s way of adapting to something new. However, I can’t pinpoint any of these episodes since being married.

I wasn’t sure if my symptoms were less noticeable in a more stable state or if I had somehow outgrown my disorder. I even wondered if Mike had somehow helped me overcome it. But I never really knew why...

Turns out, it had warped into General Anxiety Disorder. I had never experienced a true panic attack before the miscarriage. Suddenly, they were part of my daily life.

I assumed that once I was able to grieve properly and recover from the tragedy, that my anxiety would fade. However, it only seemed to get worse after Xander was born. It didn’t help that shortly after that I unexpectedly lost my job at Xbox while on maternity leave due to the position being eliminated.

This was my dream job. I had left a very stable, comfortable position in something I was very good at to pursue this seemingly perfect for me job. Everyone told me to take this job, even though I was 6 months pregnant. Even though I was on a brand new team for a brand new role with untred territory. I’d worked for 6 years to get into a position like this one. I had to do all I could for this job.

And just like that… it was gone.  

On top of that, Mike was all set up to be a stay-at-home dad, so we had no source of income or insurance for our newborn baby.

The next day Trump was elected.

Let’s just say, that was a miserable week for my emotions. Could I ever feel happy again? I’d look at my son and feel happy enough not to worry.

It wasn’t too long before Mike found some remote work and I was hired at GTS. I had to take a substantial pay cut for this career move, but there were a lot of perks to consider and huge potential for growth. I assumed everything was coming together again and that my emotions would soon follow.

Adjusting to being a working mom was easier than I expected, but still very hard. However, feedback at work was telling me that I was really good at this job. I poured myself into it, taking trips to visit stores, sometimes doing work on weekends, trying to fit the role I never expected to fit. And I liked it. I loved the stores I worked with, and while there were challenging days, overall I felt happy.

As things always do in corporate jobs, things changed. There were some changes for the new year, including a pay cut. I had just switched to commision and was barely making my base salary. Luckily, by this time Mike had gotten a really great job and Xander was loving daycare. I thought it would be okay to make less than I’d ever made if I kept being happy. Was I happy though? I was stressed all the time, always thinking about work, always being completely exhausted from motherhood, trying to maintain so many things every day.

I would look at my life, and outside of raising Xander, I didn’t feel like I was doing anything truly fulfilling. What had happened to my creativity? When was the last time I’d written something? When was the last time I sang a new song? What would 16-year-old dreamer me think of where I was?

I was a good mom. That was the most fulfilling aspect of my entire life. My true legacy and something I had always wanted. He was perfect.

But don’t I deserve more? I’d feel terrible for thinking it. Like, what’s wrong with me? I have everything I’ve ever wanted.

But I knew that was a lie. I’d always wanted more.

Founding LPS came close to what I wanted to do for this world. It scratched that itch for me for years. But it was so much harder now being a mom. It was so hard dividing my time between LPS, Xander, Mike, work, family, friends, and (OMG do I dare think it?) myself! I couldn’t do as much for LPS as I used to and I hadn’t been as deeply involved in a long time. It’s just... different when I can’t go every week. Or maybe it’s different because I’ve been doing it for so long and I’m ready to move on to my next big fulfilling project.

But then I found out that I’d be going to GAMA, representing GTS. Maybe I could find my next project through GTS. Maybe it will be at the other end of the show. I felt honored to be selected. While at the show, I networked until 4am, getting up at 7am to be on time to have a few minutes of breakfast with my team. I became close friends with some other GTS employees while at the show who wanted to work with me more. I was excited for those opportunities. What more could I do with this great company?

Within a few weeks, I was in talks with the marketing department. I was told that I had all the skills that they were looking for. It sounded like a role I’d be good at. One I’d get to finally be creative full-time, something I’d never really gotten to try.

But they wanted someone who could travel. A lot.

I suddenly felt like I was suffocating under the choice between this amazing opportunity or being with my son on weekends.

I couldn’t do that.

I didn’t get the job. But I was still in sales. Yay? I didn’t know how to feel. I was barely making enough to pay for daycare on my worst months. I was literally working in order to pay to be away from my son all week. To do a job that I liked, but that I wasn’t really passionate about. Looking at the paychecks was scary. Everything felt scary. Like weirdly scary.

Car rides alone could cause anxiety attacks. And I had to do a lot of driving since Mike was commuting to Seattle and kicking serious ass at his new job. But I couldn’t keep going on like this.

The anxiety was unbelievable. I couldn’t see into my life. I couldn’t define what it was that I wanted. That too was scary. All I saw was being a good mom, but what else was I… good at? What was I passionate about besides my family? Had I lost my defining characteristic of passion? This thought alone could send me into a racing heart and tension headache. This was anxiety. But I didn’t understand it. I’d never felt this before.

I needed help. I couldn’t take off time from work for therapy. I couldn’t find a therapist outside of work hours. The anxiety had gotten worse. I experienced a 20-day headache. I went to the doctor… where I was first diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. I scheduled 6 appointments with therapists. I took time off work to go. I started to take medication for the first time in my life. I had very little PTO for anything. I worked every hour I could to make up for it. I got worse before getting better. I took a medical leave.

On medical leave, I felt like I was seeing for the first time in… years? I would find true happiness in the littlest of things. Xander’s shoes, the smell of his hair, the cat following me around at 1am while I stayed up writing.

I was still passionate. I was still that dreamer. I was still defined by passion. I found passion in my story. I had found my project. It had been in front of me this entire time.

The project I’ve been wanting to finish for over 15 years. Over half of my life.

I looked at my life goals and realized I’d followed the biggest one already by having an amazing partner and child to share my life with. But what was next for me?

Why had I spent 3 years writing instead of having a social life as a teenager? Why had I studied for 4 years with no sleep to obtain a degree in Creative Writing? Why could these characters I created so long ago never once leave my mind? I could see their faces as clearly as the day I created them, drawn mediocrely on lined paper with colored pencils. Now created in every game that has a built-in character creator. Each person that I’d given deep back stories and interesting character arcs, with development far beyond what you’d think a boy-crazy, 14-year-old, awkward, opinionated girl obsessed with video games would be capable of.

I had to follow my dreams. It would never be the right time. “I have to do this before I turn 30,” I thought. As though I’d be able to inform that 14-year-old girl that her hard work would get published before she turns 30. High five her and let her know she makes a great mom and has a husband who knows how to dance, before flying away on a unicorn. I had to make a change. I approached Mike with the idea. He was fully supportive. He’d been with me on this journey through some rough times and questions like “What do I want to do with my life?” at 2am on random nights when I’d wake him up because I couldn’t sleep. He knew I would be happy pursuing this. He knew I needed happiness again. He knew we’d be okay, no matter what.

I don’t know if it’s the medication, my amazing therapist, the life changes, or my luck with having the most amazingly supportive family, but I am so happy. I can’t say the anxiety is gone, that is still a daily struggle. But I know I can be grateful for so many things and that helps calm me down. I am following my dreams. I can’t promise it won’t be a difficult adventure at times, in fact, I’m sure it will be very difficult. But I will be happy while I adventure.

[mitchbeck]

CANTLON'S CORNER: DR. JEKYLL AND MR. WOLF PACK

BY: Gerry Cantlon, Howlings CROMWELL, CT - The sprint toward the end of the season normally starts after the AHL All-Star break as well as the February 24th NHL Trade Deadline. It increasingly looks like the Hartford Wolf Pack will still be playing hockey when the calendar flips over to April. However, the past performance over two weeks losing four road games in varying different ways does raise some red flags. The "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" routine is coming not only game-to-game but period-to-period over this stretch. Head coach Kris Knoblauch showed his displeasure over the first loss against Wilkes Barre/Scranton in their second shutout of the season 3-0 as they headed out last weekend. His mood improved a little. The games in Utica, two of them and the finale of the road trip in Hershey point to some underlying problems that need to be addressed. The first period of the first game in Utica the team went down 5-0 easily the worst period of the season as "Dr. Jekyll" showed up. Knoblach pulled starter Adam Huska for just the second time this season he was not alone in the first period debacle, but can’t pull all your players off, although it might have been an improvement. “Yes, it was five nothing, but it wasn‘t five nothing, It wasn’t the full indication of how we played,“ remarked Knoblauch. “It wasn’t a good period. We were turning pucks over and give high marks to Utica, they turned our mistakes into goals. We have to balance our play better an show more urgency.” Then "Mr. Hyde" appeared as the Wolf Pack recovered and roared back to tie the game at five starting with Vitali Kravtsov’s second goal just 10 seconds into the second period and Vinni Lettieri’s goal with 14.8 seconds left in regulation to knot the game and put all the momentum on its side. Kravtsov’s play has markedly improved and Knoblauch thinks brighter days are ahead for the Russian rookie. “He is in a really good spot right now. He is cheerful and working hard getting used to the North American rink. He's realizing there is not as much room out there. It's tighter space. The rinks are smaller and he will get hit more often. When you make the turn there isn’t that extra space, it just the boards. He understands it better now (systems and playing style) and is starting to make a positive impact on our lineup. He’s played both the left and the right side. With Fogarty back, he has shifted to the right side.” The Pack gained a point but lost the game in the three-on-three OT with 34 seconds remaining. Knoblauch, in Charlotte two months ago, after 1,625 Wolf Pack franchise games, pulled starting goalies in back-to-back games. He would shorten that time span in doing it again just 11 games later, as he lifted starter Tom McCollum and inserted Huska. Utica’s Jason Bailey, the ex-Sound Tiger recorded his second hat trick in as many games becoming the first player since Mark Mancari, then of the Portland Pirates on January 22-23, 2011 against Providence and Worcester, to record that feat. Bailey earned the AHL/CCM Player of the Week (primary assist goes to AHL VP of Communications Jason Chaimovitch for providing that great stat on Mancari). The Wolf Pack has been outscored 20-12 in this stretch. “We're giving up too many chances. We have to tighten things up right now,” said Knoblauch. Defensive combinations are being contemplated. “We're looking to change things up. We tried several things in practice. For the first time, we have now three lefties and three righty shooting defensemen, but we haven’t made a decision yet. I’ll have to have something ready by 7 pm tomorrow night.” Then in Hershey again the team's lackluster defensive play cost them dearly with the player suffering most being Libor Hajek, in Hartford on a conditioning stint, was a minus-4 in three games. Certainly not the direction the Rangers were hoping for in this rehab stint with the Wolf Pack. “We all have to realize Libor has missed a significant amount of time with injuries, I wouldn’t call them struggles. He is getting back into game shape, getting the feel and flow of a game. Its not an easy thing to do. It’s a progression for him. It’s a matter of getting his timing down and feeling comfortable,” said associate head coach Gord Murphy. All-Star Joey Keane had a tough night in Hershey too, getting beaten on a one-on-one in front of the net that led to a goal. “You don’t want guys running around trying to make hits, bumping into each other either. To put yourself in the proper position, you've got to move your feet and skate on the right side of the puck. We got away from that a little bit. We have had a couple of good days here to get our skating legs back I think it's going to help us this weekend,” commented Murphy. The team defense took it on the chin as the opponents outscored the Wolf Pack 20-12 “We have a good defensive corps to start. We have to work on the fundamentals that were first looking out for our own zone on out, “ remarked Murphy in charge of the defense “ We gotta box people out better, watch their sticks and keeping them (opponents) to the perimeter. Maybe we’re a little fatigued on the road, back-to-back games. We probably sat back more than we should have and weren’t aggressive enough.” Up-front, Letteri, and in Hershey, Boo Nieves, have maintained their point-a-game pace of late, but the secondary scoring has been spotty. Shawn McBride has been the exception picking up his first pro goal against Utica and then picking up an assist in Hershey. The team has also been snakebitten as Nick Jones with an open net in Hershey managed to hit goalie Phoenix Copley in the mask as he was getting back to the net. NOTES: Huska was reassigned to the Maine Mariners (ECHL) after practice to continue getting playing time while Igor Shesterkin and Tom McCollum are in Hartford. He will be return next week when Shesterkin is recalled when the Rangers season starts up again when the NHL All Star break ends. A logical move. In a curious move, Maine goalie Francois Brassard, who played in just seven games, and was a training camp invitee this year, signed to a PTO deal. The Rangers assigned him to Hartford. In addition, they sent forward Lewis Zerter-Gossage back to Maine. Talk continues of a possible deal to be announced when the NHL All-Star break ends involving Alexander Georgiev possibly? The Wolf Pack’s leading scorer Vinni Lettieri (42-18-17-35) was rewarded as the Shesterkin replacement in the AHL All-Star Classic in Ontario, CA. “I am obviously very grateful. I appreciate my teammates, the coaching staff, the training, and equipment staff; they all helped me and are part of this too." Knoblauch is his regular season and now All-Star coach. He praised his top point-getter. “He was a possibility of an All-Star, but his play over the last four weeks clearly earned him the honor and unfortunately Igor won’t be going.” Knoblauch was his ever-gracious, self-taking no-victory laps on being named the coach of the Atlantic squad. “The only reason I’m going is because of the guys in that locker room. Joey and Igor were deserving of their selections and we're only limited to two players, but they’re several others in there, in my opinion, who are worthy of being there.” Shesterkin and forward Di Giuseppe were reassigned to the Wolf Pack Wednesday. Di Giuseppe was scratched all four games he could have played since his recall. Meet the new Rangers, same as the old Rangers when it comes to recalls. The Wolf Pack recalled defenseman Jeff Taylor from Maine. He played in three games (now 10 in total) in Maine and scored a goal and an assist after playing just eight of a possible 30 Wolf Pack games. Mason Geersten helped Utica’s Vincent Arseneau earn an unpleasant hat trick. Aresenau, who lost a majority decision in a Hartford scrap two weeks ago to Geersten, got pushed down late in the game last Friday, in Utica. He decided he wanted another crack at Big Gert with nine seconds to go. It was a big mistake getting knocked out with a thunderous right hand from the 6’4 225 lb. Geersten, a defenseman playing left wing. He lost the fight decisively and got an instigator penalty. He was suspended by the AHL for getting the instigator in the last five minutes of a game. See the fight HERE The Islanders sent Bridgeport defenseman Sebastien Aho and sent rearguard Ryan McKinnon to Worcester (ECHL) for the break. Ex-Pack Jordan Owens is playing Canadian senior league hockey with the Brantford Blast (ACH0) that’s Allan Cup Hockey Ontario. Last year he with the Sheffield Steelers (England-EIHL) in Melbourne, Australia (Melbourne Mustangs AIHL) playing hockey. Ex-Pack, Akim Aliu, who made headlines across the US and Canada regarding two months ago about a 10-year-old racially charged pair of incidents with his then, head coach, Bill Peters in Rockford (AHL) in several tweets on Twitter. The firestorm led to the dismissal of Peters by the Calgary Flames. Aliu gave his first full interview with Hockey Night In Canada host, Ron McLean this past weekend. See it HERE. Aliu was signed on Tuesday to a deal to play defense by HC Litvinov (Czech Republic-CEL) for the rest of the season. Ex-Pack, Robin Kovacs, was traded from Lulea HF to Orebro HK (Sweden-SHL) and as expected the team announced, a three-year deal that he was going to get after the season ended. In a sign that we're all getting old, congrats to Easton Armstrong, the second son of the Wolf Pack's original founding member, Derek Armstrong and his wife Shannon. He played for the Los Angeles Jr. Kings U-16 team (TIEHL) signed a standard WHL player agreement with the Regina Pats (WHL) who drafted him as their 10th pick 214th overall in the 2018 WHL Bantam Draft. He could play this weekend in the two Pats home games, Friday night against the Lethbridge Hurricanes and Sunday afternoon against the Saskatoon Blades. Easton will be wearing jersey #37 as jersey #17, Dad’s old Wolf Pack number is retired (Bill Hicke). The Pats GM and VP of Hockey Ops is the father of Derek’s former coach and Wolf Pack great, John Paddock. Older brother Dawson, who was born in Hartford currently plays with the Utah Outliers (WSHL) with 26 points in 28 games. Derek played junior hockey with the OHL Sudbury Wolves and next weekend will be an honorary captain at the AHL All-Star Classic in Ontario, California. He will be joined with former Wolf Pack teammate and former New Haven Nighthawk, goalie Robb Stauber as the other honorary captain. Lukas Sillinger, the middle son of ex-Sound Tiger Mike Sillinger announced his commitment to Bemidji State (NCHC) to join his older brother Owen. Younger brother Cole is with Medicine Hat (WHL) while Dad is a scout with Regina (WHL). Read the full article